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Eddie thought he'd have more time. Call him selfish, but Christopher being back in Texas was actually working wonders for him. He was absolutely heartbroken at first, wondering if his son could ever trust him again, would continue to love him. But, the time had given Eddie the ability to work on himself.
“I never found myself beyond being a father,” he told Frank at his second therapy session after Chris left. “Everything has been about Chris for so long, I don't know how to survive without him.”
His honesty was rewarded with a lot of hard work & a full summer of finding himself. He spent so long looking at himself as Edmundo; the father, veteran,widower, & firefighter. But he hadn't really looked at himself as Eddie. He didn't even know if he had a favorite movie. So, the summer, it was decided, would be Eddie's time to find himself.
Of course, Buck was more than happy to indulge Eddie in all of those little things he'd never done. Each week they'd pick one activity Eddie had never tried. “You have to find your purpose!” Buck had said after Frank suggested a self discovery journey. And who was Eddie to deny Buck a summer of fun things & best friend hangouts? Especially after he & Tommy had broken up citing differences they couldn't move past. Eddie figured a summer of them having fun nights out would let him find himself & get Buck to talk more about all of that.
He gets his first call from Chris when they're in the middle of Return of the King. He's never sat down & watched Lord of the Rings all the way through, & Buck had taken it upon himself to “right this terrible wrong.” They're about halfway through the movie when his phone goes off, shocking both Buck & himself out of their popcorn coma. The comfort of lounging on the couch suddenly replaced by Eddie's need to pick up the phone.
“It's Chris,” Eddie stated as he stared at the phone, almost terrified of hitting the answer button.
Buck had immediately paused the movie & turned himself towards Eddie with a small smile. “Answer him!” Big blue eyes looked expectantly at Eddie, who could do nothing but hit the button & answer in a shaky voice.
“Hey mijo.”
“Dad!” His son's voice came through the tiny speaker full of life & joy in a way that he hadn't heard since before the lightning strike the year before. It makes him feel equally happy, yet sad. He wanted his son to be happy, but he almost couldn't stomach the idea that he wasn't enough. That it took Chris going to El Paso to find his happiness again.
He listened intently as Chris talked about going to the zoo with his grandparents & bonfires with his new friends from the park. He listened to the new book he had decided to read & about the new matching school supplies Helena had purchased & would ship back for the beginning of the school year.
It's almost like things are normal again, that he can almost forget that his son is hours away being looked after by the same people that essentially ruined his own life. It feels like Christopher is right there between him & Buck, enjoying a family movie night. But, he isn't. There's a cold space between them where his son would fit perfectly, but he's not there to occupy it. Eddie wonders how long it might be before that cold space is warm again.
“I think I wanna stay a little more,” Chris said at the end of the conversation. “I want– I want to be back for school though.”
Eddie sighed. “I'm glad you're having fun.” He tries to keep his voice light, to not let his melancholy attitude about it all seep through the phone. “You can stay as long as you need to.”
He cried himself to sleep on the couch once the call ended, the move forgotten & Buck rubbing calming circles on his back.
“Ha, suck it Diaz!”
“You're such an idiot.”
“An idiot who's winning.”
Eddie just rolled his eyes as he tossed the controller behind him onto the couch. “You want another?” He gestured to the empty beers on the table in front of him as he got up.
“Sure,” Buck passes him the two bottles with a smile. “Heard from Chris?” He asked tentatively as Eddie ducked into the kitchen.
He shook his head as he passed his best friend his beer & popped open his own. He took a long drink, trying to formulate some type of answer that wouldn't cause him to break down in front of Buck…again.
“I uh– no.” He says quietly. “Heard from him about 2 weeks ago. Said he was having a great time. Not quite ready to come back yet…still.”
“Hmmm.” Buck took a sip out of his own bottle. “He'll be back, Eddie. At the latest it'll be September since school starts after Labor Day.” Then he gave Eddie the look. The one that's so uniquely Buck that it just makes Eddie stop dead. Big blue eyes so full of hope that it makes something ache in Eddie's chest & makes him believe literally anything that comes out of Buck's mouth. He could lie through his teeth, but the look in his eyes would make Eddie believe him without a second of doubt.
He wants…something. He's not sure what the feeling is deep in his gut, but he knows that he wants Buck to stay, stay here with him & help him with Chris. Stay with him & cook dinner & help Chris with homework & just… be .
He sits in Frank's office, playing with the hem of his worn out t-shirt. It doesn't matter how many times he sits in this office, therapy still makes him uncomfortable.
“How's the week been, Eddie?” Frank looks up from his notes, attempting to catch Eddie's gaze, but he averts his eyes. Too afraid that his therapist will be able to see too much in his expression.
He coughs, adjusts in the chair before answering. “It's been…” he trails off thinking about his answer. He wants to say it's been okay, but it hasn't been. He has all these wants suddenly, all these needs. It's things he hasn't really thought about before. “It's been okay I guess, not great “
“Nightmares?”
“No, none of those.”
“Work related stress?”
Eddie sighs. It's like going through a checklist sometimes. Kid, work, love life, personal growth. He checks them off in his head as Frank does on the book in front of him. It feels ridiculous sometimes, the way that Eddie wants to come in, check the boxes, & leave. He knows this is work, knows he has to do it. Today though? He just doesn't want to.
“You don't want to be here today.” Frank doesn't phrase it like a question so Eddie can't weasel his way out of his answer.
“Not particularly, no.”
“Any reason why?”
“I just– I want things, okay? I want Chris to come back. I want to get on a plane & drag him back here even if he doesn't want that.” He pauses but doesn't let Frank interrupt. He knows himself. He started this & he needs to finish before he loses his guts. “I want to learn that new mac & cheese recipe without burning my house down. I want to, I don't know, learn something? Maybe a language or take some martial art classes? Things I didn't have time for before.”
Frank nods encouragingly. “And I want– I want Buck to stay.”
“To stay?”
“I want to know that I have someone there with me no matter what & I feel like he's that person, ya know? The person I go to. The other night I just had this…I had this feeling,” he gestures to his chest vaguely. “When he left I wanted to say ‘no stay,’ but I couldn't get it out. And I don't know why I feel like this.”
Frank stays silent for a moment before laying down his notebook & pen. He sighs before leaning forward, keeping his eyes trained on Eddie's. “I think it's time we finally talk about your relationship with Buck.”
It's videogame night. That's become a thing for them. Eddie stocks up on beer & provides the games while Buck cooks a meal for them & sometimes he'll bring a game or two he hasn't gotten to play in a while. He still hasn't mastered the art of cooking for less than the station so there's always enough to gorge themselves on while having leftovers for the next day.
It's become a routine for them on Friday nights. They only work 12s on Fridays right now so there's more than enough time for them to hang out & sleep before going back on Sunday. These were the days that used to belong to Chris, that used to be “buckley-diaz" trips to the zoo or aquarium. Buck had been the one to replace Fridays with video game nights for just the two of them. “You shouldn't be alone,” Buck had said that first night. Eddie thinks he might not want to stop this even when Chris does come back home. His son is a teenager, he'll have plenty to do on Friday's that doesn't involve his dad.
“So you said last week you wanted to do more fighting games but I've only got Mortal Kombat or COD,” Buck smiles as he drops a casserole dish on the kitchen counter. “Something tells me that you'd be more into Mortal Kombat than the war game.” He smiles the smile that makes Eddie's insides turn mushy. He loves that Buck thinks about his trauma & what he might be able to handle or not handle based on previous conversations.
“Good call.” He lifts the foil off the dish to start dishing out some of whatever smells good onto two plates. He's not sure what's in the dish but he can definitely tell that it's going to taste phenomenal. It smells amazing, & Eddie knows that without Buck he likely would have starved by now.
They eat in a comfortable silence, Buck's feet hitting against Eddie's calves under the table from time to time. They play their games until they both doze off on the couch.
When Eddie wakes up Saturday morning to Buck's head on his shoulder, he feels like he could sit there forever, basking in the them of it all.
“I'm in love with Buck.”
He watches as Hen nearly drops her fork, but recovers quickly. Her face going from shocked to impassive in a matter of seconds. “Okay?”
Eddie nods & just says it again. “I'm in love with Buck.”
“And…how do we feel about that?”
Eddie shrugs. “I don't know but…”
Hen lays a hand over his across the table. “Thank you for trusting me with this, Eddie. I know it's a difficult thing to come to terms with yourself let alone letting someone else in.”
“I just–” Eddie shrugs again. “I talked with Frank about it last week. I've been struggling with feelings for a while, but I figured it out & I just–” he sighs, trying to find the words. “I don't know what to do!”
“Talk to him?” Eddie glares daggers at her. “Or…not?”
“I can't ruin this, Hen. I can't. Everyone I love dies or leaves or just– they disappear. It's not fair to me or to Chris to risk that. Especially with Chris being gone. What is he going to do when he comes back & learns that I fucked it up with Buck? That we can't be a family anymore because of me. Because I can't keep a relationship together!”
Hen just smiles & keeps holding his hand in a vice grip. “If you don't think that Buck is also hopelessly gone on you, then you're an idiot.”
“I can't lose him. I won't do that to us.”
I'm so in love with you I could die if you don't kiss me right now, is what Eddie wants to say, but he won't.
I'm so in love with you it physically hurts, is what Eddie wants to admit, but he can't.
So instead, he sits at his kitchen table nursing a crappy can of beer while Buck cooks in his kitchen. He's sweaty with an apron tied around his waist & tomato sauce in his hair. He's focused so intently on the chili recipe he's trying out & Eddie is so in love with him. So in love with him that it hurts him, causes an ache in his chest like there's physically something stabbing him.
The feelings have only gotten stronger over the last month. It's August now & Eddie feels like his insides are a permanent knot. Everytime Buck looks at him a second too long or lets his hand rest on his shoulder for slightly longer than be seen as platonic; Eddie has a personal crisis.
That seems to be a near daily occurrence at this point. Buck rubs a thumb down his shoulder? His stomach drops. Buck gives him those big blue heart eyes as he leaves the Diaz house? Eddie falls to the floor once the door clicks closed. Buck makes a recipe only because Eddie says he misses something abuela used to make him as a kid back in Texas? Eddie has an almost panic attack about it, about how thoughtful it is, how loved he feels.
His internal thought process is only derailed by the ringing of his phone from the counter. “Hey Chris!” He hears Buck's cheery voice as he picks it up, the spoon he's using to stir, splattering some sauce onto the counter as he sets it down.
There’s a pause before Buck speaks again, but Eddie knows it isn’t to Christopher. He can only hear bits & pieces of conversation as his best friend paces around the kitchen. “Yea.. sure. I mean—okay. If that’s what he wants. No I–Yea let me get– I said hold on!”
“Eds!” Buck calls out to him & waves him over, a hand over the speaker as he passes him the phone. “Your mom,” he mouths.
Eddie takes the phone, listens for a moment, says okay, & hangs up. When he looks up from the darkened screen the only thing he can say is “Chris is coming home,” before he collapses into Buck’s arms.
He’s pacing & he knows it’s driving Buck crazy. He isn’t the restless one in this friendship & he knows it. He’s supposed to be the strong one, the one who is an unmovable mountain. It took him a long time to relax from his army training, but it still did come out from time to time. But, right now, Eddie has no instincts that he could fall back on. His son, his only child, was flying alone from El Paso to LA. He hadn’t seen Chris in nearly 3 months & they’d only talked a handful of times during those months.
Eddie knew that Chris would be proud of his personal progress. He was ready to be a full time father again & the work he had put in with Frank & his own head was really going to mean a more stable environment for Chris going forward.
But, he was still nervous for his now teenager to step off of that plane & integrate back into their home. Especially when Eddie had gotten so used to him not being there, so used to this new dynamic with Buck that gave him butterflies & made him want to block them both from the real world whenever he could. Because at least then, he could pretend he was actually getting everything he wanted.
“There he is.” Buck grabbed his arm & spun him so that he could have a clear view of the escalator. There, in a faded yellow t-shirt & blue jeans was Chris. He was leaned against the side of the moving stairs, crutches balanced against him, & his head looking down at his phone.
Was it possible for a teenager to grow that much over 3 months? He looks distinctly different, older, while still simultaneously being Christopher. And, God, there's a pressure in his chest & moisture behind his eyes because he's missed his son. He's felt like a piece of him was missing the entire summer. And he's tried to fill it, but the Christopher sized hole can't be filled by anyone or anything else.
Eddie took a step forward with Buck on his heels & when Chris got to the bottom of the escalator he couldn’t help but run straight to him. “Mijo,” he whispered as he grabbed his son & pulled him close. He could tell that Chris had missed him too by the way he hugged Eddie close & squeezed as tight as he could.
“Buck!” Chris’s eyes lit up when he saw the older man & without warning he threw himself from Eddie straight into Buck’s arms.
Buck barely had time to catch the kid before he was slamming into his chest, “hey Superman!” leaving his lips with ease. It was as if Christopher had only been gone for a week, not nearly the entire summer.
That’s how it happens. As Eddie watches Buck interact with Christopher; the two of them standing close, his son talking in excited whispers about his trips to the zoo & the new YouTube gaming videos he just had to show Buck.
He hears Chis say “thanks dad,” in a small voice & Buck’s face goes so red that Eddie is sure they could cook an egg on his forehead with how warm it looks. It’s a good look on him, Eddie thinks, as he watches his son admit that he has two dads who love him & were waiting for him to come back home.
As Chris is walking ahead of them, jabbering on about his time back in El Paso, is how Eddie does it. “I’m in love with you.” He says it plainly, his eyes never actually leaving Chris’s back in front of them, but his hand slipping into Buck’s with ease & certainty.
He hears the intake of breath from beside him, but he’s too afraid to look. Too afraid that he just ruined yet another thing in his life. At least he knows that Buck could never leave Chris, would not abandon a child who was as good as his own. It pains Eddie to think that someday he might lose Buck, but he’s happy to know that Chris never will. Even if that means weird almost custody exchanges in the station parking lot.
But, his fears fade away as he chances a glance at his best friend, their hands remaining linked. Because Buck is looking at him with the fondest expression Eddie thinks he’s ever seen & a dusting of pink covering from his collar bone to the tips of both ears. “Yea?” He asks Eddie with a small smile.
“Yea, Buck.”
So, that’s how they end up in love, with their son back in their house, & a big announcement to make that would cause Ravi to choke on his bacon during their first shift back at work the following week.