Archive of Our Own

Charles follows Edwin up to the roof. 

He knows that Edwin might want to be left alone, but Charles barely wants to let him out of his sight, let alone leave him alone.

Edwin is standing with his back towards the door, looking over the top of the buildings and Charles just stares at him for a long moment, unnoticed.

Edwin's arms are crossed across his chest, and he's holding on to his elbows, like he's trying to hold himself together.

Charles twitches with the urge to step forward to walk until he crashes into Edwin's back and can wrap his arms tightly around him. He wants to bury his face in the back of Edwin's neck and be the thing that is holding him together. The anchor that is keeping him here.

They're not new thoughts that he's had, and lately Edwin has seemed more receptive to his touch, shoulders relaxing beneath Charles' hands, arms coming up slowly to embrace him back before slumping into Charles' hold, hand gentle but firm pushing Charles' fist down, fingers pressing into the fabric of Charles' jacket as he pulls him to a stop to tell him that he's been keeping a secret, that he's in lo-

Charles pushes away from the closed roof door and walks across the space to the opposite side of Edwin, sitting on the wide edge of the roof, in the exact same spots they'd been in earlier.

Edwin barely twitches at his movements, meaning that he'd probably already known that Charles was up there.

Charles had told Edwin that his confession hadn't changed anything between them. And he meant it, but also, how could it not change things?

Edwin is in love with him. The thought sends a funny feeling in his chest, like his heart wants to race and ties his stomach into knots. 

He can't believe it. Because how could Edwin love him like that.

Edwin is the epitome of everything good that Charles knows. 

Sure, there are moments when Edwin is so abrasive and blunt that it borders on cruel. 

But Charles knows him. He's always known him.

He'd been dying, freezing and alone and terrified. And Edwin had appeared, out of nowhere, and he'd been glowing in the light of the lantern he passed over, telling him that he'd brought it over to help keep him warm.

It took him several hours and focusing on Edwin entirely, on staring at him intently, on just thinking about all of the questions he wanted to ask him, on listening to the sound of Edwin's voice, so that he didn't think about anything else.

Edwin had given him warmth and company and a moment of peace, even though he didn't have to.

He'd been through unimaginable horror, after unimaginable horror, and stayed with a scared and lonely boy while he died so that he wouldn't be scared or lonely. He was someone who dedicated his afterlife to solving the cases that would otherwise go unsolved. 

And Charles knows that Edwin believes his reasons for helping to be selfish, but he always ends up doing the right thing, and that Charles thinks is more important.

Edwin is his best mate, but more than that. He's the person that Charles never wants to be parted from. Especially now, after everything that's happened, he's never felt closer to Edwin.

It's almost as though something has shifted between them, and Charles isn't sure when it happened, only that it did, and now why it did.

"Charles?" Edwin's voice startles him out of his thoughts. He looks over to find Edwin standing much closer than he'd been before, hands pressed together, head tilted as he looks at Charles carefully.

Charles stares at his face for a tick. Edwin looks tired, and like he's fading , but also, he looks like there's been a weight lifted off his shoulders.

Like, telling Charles how he felt was what had been weighing him down the last couple of days. And Charles doesn't understand that.

How could Edwin love him? And how could speaking that out loud make him seem so much lighter?

"It is very unlike you to be this quiet for this long," Edwin says, more like he's making an observation than an actual statement.

Charles still doesn't say anything. He's not sure what to say actually, which isn't a problem he usually struggles with.

"Charles?" This time Edwin sounds worried, and Charles feels guilty.

"I'm alright," Charles says, but he doesn't sound convincing to himself, so Edwin definitely doesn't buy it. He would've probably backed off before, but things are different now.

Edwin's frown grows even more pronounced,  and then his face clears, and his eyes go all knowing and sympathetic.

"If this is about hell, you know you can talk to me, I'm not going to fall to pieces if you need to talk about it."

He looks so sincere, that Charles just takes the out, and nods his head.

"I know I can, I'm just processing," he answers, trying to look as sincere as possible 

Edwin doesn't really look convinced, but he accepts it with a nod.

Charles watches as Edwin moves closer and holds out his hand.

Charles immediately puts his hand in Edwin's with no hesitation. 

In the early days of their partnership, Charles had craved touch, while Edwin shied away from it. The compromise had been this. Edwin would hold his hand, pressing Charles' hand between his palms, like that was as close to a hug as he was willing to get.

Charles' hands would tingle for hours afterwards.

This time Edwin rubs his thumb across Charles' knuckles and Charles shudders at the touch, fingers spasming in Edwin's hold.

Edwin gasps quietly and lets go of Charles' hand. 

Charles moves quickly, turning so that he's facing Edwin and snagging his hand back before it can fall to his side. 

Edwin freezes, eyes on their hands as Charles pulls it back up and cradles Edwin's hand in his, pressing their palms together, and feeling Edwin's knuckles along his own palm.

Edwin still doesn't move, but Charles can feel his intent gaze on his face.

Charles turns Edwin's hand in his hands after a long moment, smoothing his thumbs over his knuckles. 

He wonders what Edwin would do if he pressed his lips to the palm of his hand. Another thought that isn't new.

Instead of following that impulse, Charles brushes his fingers across his palm.

Edwin shudders, fingers curling so that the tips of his fingers brush against Charles.'

Charles shivers, and Edwin does too, gasping and taking a step away, pulling his hand back.

Charles lets him go, feeling like he's pushed his luck enough for one day.

He still doesn't look at Edwin as he pulls his feet back up over the ledge and wraps his arms around his knees, looking out. He can just make out the shadows of two cats in the alley below, and it ticks him off that the Cat King is still watching them, even though Edwim managed to get rid of the bracelet.

"Charles," Edwin says, hesitating a little, like he's not sure how to broach the topic. "I meant what I said. You're under no obligation to reciprocate or do anything about what I said. I just wanted you to know."

"I know," Charles says. Because he knows the why. He just doesn't understand the how .

He thinks of all of the examples of romantic love that he's witnessed, lately. His parents. Crystal and the Demon David. Jenny and Maxine. 

And even the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice.

All about love and how it makes you possessive of the object of your affections, that you will even walk through hell in the hope of bringing them back.

Charles sees what that kind of love does to the people who are loved and he doesn't want that.

But he can see that he's already failing.

Can see the cracks in the mirror of the friendship they'd cultivated during the last thirty years. And he's scared of what he'll find if he shatters it completely. 

Will the mirror reveal something worse, or will there be something even better on the other side?

He went to hell to get Edwin back, because he can't, he won't be without him. It's not worth it staying here if Edwin isn't around.

He chose to not cross over because he wasn't ready to die. But he stays because of Edwin, letting his devotion to Edwin anchor him to this place. And he refuses to let anything separate them, be it aggressive Night Nurses or sleazy Cat Kings.

And isn't that already possessive? Already on the edge of too much?

Charles thinks not for the first time that he's glad that Edwin is already dead, because if he wasn't, surely what Charles feels for him would've killed him already.

Charles moves, sliding off the ledge to stand in front of Edwin, who hasn't moved and is just looking at Charles like he's trying to figure out what exactly Charles is thinking.

"How do you know?" Charles asks, eyes flickering away from Edwin and then back.

Edwin furrows his brow, but Charles doesn't elaborate. Because he knows he won't have to. 

Edwin's face clears soon enough, and he opens his mouth and then closes it, and then blinks twice and looks away briefly.

Charles just leans back and waits, trying not to stuff his hands in his pockets or cross them over his chest. He doesn't want to show that he's impatient, even though he is. Edwin would clam up if Charles starts to push.

Edwin looks back to Charles, and exhales.

"Okay, it started with the Cat King," Edwin starts, and Charles can't help the sound that comes out of his mouth.

Edwin gives him a look, but Charles really can't help how much he hates that fluffball.

He'd taken Edwin away for hours and had brought him back different, secretive and defensive and with a shiny new accessory.

"Can't you just listen without making any comments?" Edwin asks, but the look on his face says that he knows Charles can't.

"Like you actually expect me to be quiet," Charles says, scoffing a little.

"Charles!" Edwin says, starting to sound exasperated.

Charles makes a sign that he's zipping his lips shut, and Edwin gives him a look like he doesn't actually believe he'll keep his mouth shut.

"This is difficult for me because for all of my life I was taught that these feelings were things that I should never think, let alone say, which is why I just never thought about it."

He looks down, shaking his head a little, "Or it would be more accurate to say that I never let myself think about it."

He looks back up and gives Charles a self-deprecating smile, "I honestly didn't even consider it an option because I didn't know that there could be more to what I was feeling. I thought that I couldn't be any more devoted to you or feel anything more than what I already did for you."

Charles doesn't move, he doesn't even breathe, he just stares at him, not looking away from Edwin's face, even as Edwin looks away, watching him as he speaks words clear and precise, eyes earnest and serious.

"But then the Cat King happened," he continues, and Charles tries not to bristle, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"And he wanted me," he says, with a look on his face like it's a shock that someone would want him. Charles doesn't know how to feel about that. He's not shocked that other people find Edwin attractive. He had just spent years living under the impression that Edwin just didn't feel like that about anyone.

"He was very aggressive in his pursuit, and I admit it was flattering, and if circumstances weren't what they were, maybe I would've-"

Charles makes an alarmed noise at the back of his throat, not being able to help himself. He refuses to think about a world where circumstances were different, and would prefer it if Edwin never thought about it again.

Edwin clears his throat pointedly, looking away briefly, and Charles fights with the urge to reach out to him and tell him that it was okay to feel these things, but that Charles was still against the object of these feelings being the Cat King, of all people.

"Right, well as you know, Cat Kings are shapeshifters, and during our meeting when we were working on the Case of the Lighthouse Leapers, he made it very obvious that he was watching our every move."

Edwin stops speaking for a moment, like he's waiting for Charles to chime in with something, but Charles just keeps watching him, waiting him out.

Edwin clears his throat again, "He took on the shape of Monty, and then…you, Charles."

Edwin doesn't look down again, but his eyes dart away from Charles' face and somewhere over his shoulder, looking mildly embarrassed.

Charles wants to tell him that he doesn't have to tell him anything else, but Edwin still hasn't answered his question, so he must think that everything he has to say is important to the point he is making.

"I knew that it wasn't you," Edwin continues, still not looking him in the eye. "But it caught me off guard, and then I couldn't stop thinking about it afterwards. About how close I let him get before I snapped out of it, all because he was you."

Charles moves, pulling his hands out of his pockets, and Edwin's eyes snap back to his face. He looks a little alarmed, like he thinks Charles might leave.

Charles reaches out carefully with one hand, at the same time that Edwin lifts his left hand, palm out in a silent request.

Charles can't help but smile as he places his left hand in Edwin's and curls his fingers in the space between Edwin's thumb and the rest of his fingers, squeezing once.

Edwin exhales carefully, "I was telling you before how Monty unearthed some feeling within me."

Charles does remember that now that Edwin mentions it. Edwin is the one to squeeze Charles' hand this time, as though he can sense the path that Charles' thoughts were taking.

"The feelings were the realization that I'm in love with you," Edwin says, and this time the words aren't choked up and terrified. He still sounds a little shaky, but more than anything is the smile that crosses his face once the words are out of his mouth, like it's a relief to say them. To have this acknowledgement between them.

"And even though I know now it was all an act, Monty was sweet and kind and charming and enthusiastic about astrology, and I liked that, but I knew it wasn't fair to him, so I talked to him to tell him that it would be better if we stopped hanging out because I was discovering feelings for someone and they terrified me, and he kissed me."

Charles feels the bitter green jealousy almost choke him, but he manages to keep it down, just barely stopping himself from gripping Edwin's hand tighter. Edwin squeezes his hand back.

"It all just made me realize that I didn't want any of those things with anyone else but you."

The feeling of jealousy that had been choking him disappears, replaced with a slightly vindicated feeling at the thought of Edwin rejecting someone's advances because of him. This is something else that isn't a new thought, and Charles always brushed it off. But with Edwin's new revelation, all of these thoughts that Charles has had before are taking on a different meaning, something that makes Charles feel terrified. 

"You asked me how I knew, and it's not just one thing. It's the culmination of everything. You deciding to stay after you died, the last thirty years of this semblance of a life that we've built together. Crystal making me see that I could lose you."

Charles moves at that, shaking his head, but Edwin just lifts his other hand to stop him from speaking, "I'm not done."

Charles swallows the words he wants to say, the reassurances he wants to give, and Edwin waits for a tick before he starts to talk again.

"Even losing your attention to her was terrifying, so yes, even having that small loss was a wake up call."

Charles just swallows hard, but doesn't try to speak.

"There was also Niko letting me know that it was okay to feel what I was feeling. And Monty and the Cat King making me see that I wanted more."

Edwin's eyes are flaming as he continues to speak, looking at Charles like he needs him to understand this more than anything.

"It was all of that and none of it at all because it's you, and you're…" Edwin breathes out, squeezing Charles' hand. 

"...everything," he breathes out, smiling a little as he takes in what Charles thinks must be a stupid look on his face as he feels almost light headed at the word.

"I don't know if I would've figured it out without all their influences, but I do know that now that I know, I don't understand how I didn't realize it sooner."

Edwin is smiling, and he looks even lighter than before, and Charles is still stuck on Edwin saying that he's everything. That he's everything.

"It's like I've been trapped this entire time, but this feeling, loving you, it's freeing."

Charles thinks once again about everything that he knows about love. In none of the examples that he can think of has love ever been about freedom. 

Even now, all Charles can think about is how he doesn't feel like his own version of love feels like freedom. 

He knows it would be too heavy, like an anchor weighing Edwin down.

He looks down at their joined hands, where they are squeezing each other tightly.

He tries to see things the way that Edwin did, but he'd never been scared that he was going to lose Edwin. He tries to understand what Edwin means when he says that Crystal made him realize that he could lose Charles, because Charles never had any plans of going anywhere. 

Even if Crystal leaves once she gets all of her memories back, Charles isn't going anywhere. 

At least not without Edwin. 

There were only two times in the last thirty years that Edwin had been out of his sight for more than a couple of hours, and they'd both happened within the last couple of weeks.

Charles refuses to go through something like that again. 

If he could figure out a way to tie the very essence of their souls together so they couldn't go anywhere without the other, he would.

Is that what being in love is? And is that what Edwin wants from him? Because as far as Charles is concerned, he already has it.

He thinks about Edwin's words, about how he thought he couldn't be more devoted to Charles than he already was.

And it's the same for Charles. He wonders what it would take to make him see what Edwin sees.

He doesn't think that it would take much.

Edwin must think he takes too long to say anything because he starts speaking again.

"I repeat, I don't expect anything from you. You asked the question and I responded to the best of my abilities."

He tugs on their joined hands, making Charles look at him, which must be what he intended since he keeps talking.

"I understood what you were trying to say," Edwin tells him earnestly, and Charles feels confused, because he doesn't understand what he was trying to say in hell.

He wanted to get Edwin out as soon as possible, but he also didn't want Edwin to think that Charles did not care about his feelings, or that he didn't feel something just as strong. He'd gone to hell to get Edwin back, and he wouldn't do that for anyone else, and Edwin had to know that before.

But, Charles doesn't know if Edwin would go to hell for him.

He knows Edwin loves him, but would Edwin brave his literal worst nightmare to get Charles back?

Charles thinks he knows the answer to that, but there is a small, unraveling part of him that wonders if Edwin's kind of love would let him be that selfish over Charles.

"And I'll get over it eventually," he continues, and Charles' focus immediately snaps back to Edwin, and his wet eyes, and open face. He's looking at Charles like he doesn't mean a word that he's saying but he'll deal with it.

"No," Charles says, and finally moves closer, pushing away from the roof ledge.

"I beg your pardon," Edwin says, sounding taken aback, looking confused.

"I don't want you to get over it eventually, or ever preferably."

Edwin looks confused, and he tugs against Charles' hand like he wants to pull away, but Charles won't let him.

He uses his hold on Edwin's hand to tug back until Edwin stumbles right into him.

They stay like that for a long second pressed close together, breathing in shaky breaths in unison, hands still clasped between their chest. 

Edwin stares at him with wide eyes, and Charles can't look away.

Edwin's eyes flicker down to Charles mouth and up again and Charles thinks, yes , a kiss would definitely help him figure out his jumbled thoughts.

Edwin tries to pull away then, but Charles moves, lifting his hands to place them on Edwin's shoulders before he can get too far.

Edwin freezes at his touch for a single endless second where Charles thinks about dropping his hands, but then he relaxes, exhaling carefully and looking at Charles expectantly.

"There's one more thing I need to know," Charles says, and Edwin nods his head to show that he'll answer whatever Charles wants to ask.

"If it had been me, if I had been the one to get dragged to hell-"

Edwin inhales sharply, eyes going wide and terrified like just the thought was unbearable, but Charles keeps speaking.

"-would you have come after me?"

Edwin blinks rapidly for a few seconds, never taking his eyes off Charles, and the look on his face is incredulous, like he can't believe that Charles would ask him this. 

Edwin lifts his hands then, as a determined look crosses his face. Charles can barely feel the touch of Edwin's fingers on his face. He feels a heady feeling rush through him, from his head to his stomach to his knees to the bottoms of his feet.

"I never want to go back to hell," Edwin says, the words soft and quiet between them. "But for you Charles Rowland, I would drag this entire world with me if it meant I could get you back."

The relief Charles feels at those words, hits him right in the chest, up the back of his throat, down to his knees.

He feels himself stagger, like he's about to fall, wrapping his arms around Edwin and pulling himself against him.

That small, unraveling part of him expects them to fall to the floor, for Charles and all of his unresolved feelings and his anger and the weight of his overwhelming devotion to drag them both down to the floor.

But that doesn't happen.

Instead, Edwin catches him, arms wrapping around Charles' waist as he pulls him securely against him, and keeps them both standing while Charles figures out how to get his feet to work once again.

And Charles thinks, oh , maybe that's what love is, leaning on someone and trusting them to keep you steady.

Charles should straighten up and maybe put some distance between them but he doesn't do that. Instead he leans even more on Edwin, who keeps them both steady, and is looking at Charles with a look on his face that is familiar, eyes fond, lips quirked in a soft smile, like Charles is the best thing he's ever seen. 

Charles has never questioned it, and even now, he doesn't question how he didn't realize what that face meant before.

If Edwin was slow on the uptake, Charles could afford to be even slower.

His eyes drop down to Edwin's mouth, and he thinks again, that if he kisses Edwin all of these jumbled up feelings will become clear.

He sways forward, dropping his head to Edwin's, pressing their foreheads together.

"Edwin, can I-?" He starts to ask, voice pleading and desperate.

"Yes," Edwin says, pressing the word to Charles' mouth, and the entire world goes silent.

Once when Charles was really young, and still alive he'd almost drowned. He'd survived it, but had gotten a fear of water that he still hasn't quite shaken off.

It was the first time in his life that he thought he was going to die. His lungs hurt from the effort to breathe, and his nose stung from the rush of the water he accidentally kept inhaling. The moment he'd gotten out of the water and had managed to breathe the relief that had been so overwhelming that it had felt like something miraculous. He'd never felt more alive than in that moment.

That's what kissing Edwin felt like. Like the first real breath he took after almost drowning.

A sensation that swept through him like a wildfire, leaving him feeling breathless, the tips of his fingers tingling.

The kiss itself was chaste and Edwin pulled away too soon, but it hit Charles with all the subtlety of a cricket bat to the chest.

Oh , Charles thinks again. That's what it is.

It was a sensation that however brief, Charles immediately became addicted to, craving more. 

Edwin had kissed him how he knew how, with all the experience of a boy who's only ever had one kiss before. So now, Charles was going to kiss him like he knew how.

When Edwin opened his mouth, probably to say something that would either make Charles laugh or entirely kill the mood, Charles was determined to give Edwin a proper kiss, so he cups Edwin's face in his hands and tugs him back in.

Edwin makes a soft sound against his mouth, a word interrupted by Charles' lips, and then leans into the kiss, hands coming up to wrap around Charles' wrists.

Charles kisses him over and over, dragging their lips together, snagging his teeth against Edwin's bottom lip, licking into Edwin's open mouth when he gasps.

He pulls back, letting Edwin go, to see Edwin's face, his eyes are half lidded and his lips are parted and he is breathing heavily. He's looking at Charles like he's an unsolved case he's dying to solve, and Charles isn't sure that he's any better.

Edwin moves his hands to Charles' face, pressing his fingers to his cheeks, touching him like he's something fragile, breakable, precious .

Charles sighs, eyes falling shut. 

He thinks about saying something, but Edwin slides his hands to the back of Charles' neck, fingers overlapping his ears, and tugs him into another kiss.

He kisses Charles, like how Charles kissed him, like he'd been taking notes diligently and wanted to show Charles what he learned.

He bites down too hard on Charles' bottom lip, a sharp burst of buzzing pressure that sends shivers through Charles' entire body. He licks into Charles' open mouth messily, until Charles wraps his arms around him, pulling him in even closer.

Edwin leans heavily against him, and Charles stumbles backwards several steps, until he's leaning back on the ledge.

They kiss and kiss and kiss, messy and desperate and out of control, and Charles never wants it to end. 

He's never felt more alive .

He urges Edwin to press even closer, and has half a mind of dragging him down to the floor and crawling into his lap when a loud crashing sound startles them both apart.

They both look in the same direction to spot several cars running away from an overturned garbage can.

They turn back to each other at the same time, still standing so close that their noses almost brush, but Charles can't help the laugh that comes out of his mouth.

Edwin smiles, and Charles nudges their noses together, grinning widely.

"Looks like someone isn't happy with recent developments."

Edwin scoffs, but Charles tilts his chin forward and presses a kiss to his mouth, turning the sound soft all around the edges.

He pulls away, and stares as Edwin slowly blinks his eyes open.

He waits for another second before loosening his hold on Edwin, officially letting him go. 

Edwin takes a step back automatically, but looks at Charles like this is not what he would prefer to do.

"We really have to go back home," Charles says. "I'll feel a whole lot safer once we're out of this town," he continues as he pushes away from the ledge.

He feels as unsustainable as air, like he'll sink right through the floor if he isn't careful. He turns to face Edwin once again, who has one finger pressed to his mouth as he looks back at Charles.

Charles feels a zing of something low in his belly, and he wants to reach out and kiss Edwin once again, something that is even more difficult not to do now that he knows what it actually feels like.

"Will we be joining Crystal going the long way?" Edwin asks.

"We can ask to see what Crystal wants," Charles responds, carefully. "But we shouldn't leave her alone, should we?"

"Then I suppose we'll have to join her," Edwin replies just as carefully.

Charles smiles, and Edwin smiles back at him, small and fond.

They both move to head inside, walking side by side, arms brushing.

Edwin stops, and Charles looks around to see if there is any danger, but the only thing that he can see is that the sky is beginning to lighten up.

Edwin takes several steps away from Charles, almost standing in the exact spot he'd been in earlier, not too long ago, but actually almost feeling like forever with how different Charles feels now.

Edwin's explanation still didn't help Charles understand how Edwin could possibly be in love with him, but it did help Charles realize that the how isn't all that important. What was important was the feeling itself and what Edwin decided to do with it. And he didn't love Charles in a way that kept him small and quiet or confined with no control and terrified out of his mind or made him feel like he was owed something just because Edwin loves him.

Edwin loves Charles, and it makes Charles feel safe and secure and really, really happy. 

Charles would brave his worst nightmare to save Edwin and would do anything to make him happy.

Maybe being in love was just as simple as that. Maybe the mirror didn't have to shatter completely for him to see what was behind. Maybe it was right in front of him the whole time and he just didn't know that he could have it.

"A new day," Edwin says, his low voice startling Charles out of his thoughts. "Brings new beginnings."

Charles focuses back on Edwin, and he's standing the same way as before, arms crossed across his chest, fingers wrapped right above his elbows, holding himself together.

Charles feels the same urge as before, but this time he doesn't stop himself as he walks forward until his momentum is stopped by Edwin's body and they're pressed together from chest to knee.

Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

He wraps his arms around Edwin's arm, fingers pressed to the back of Edwin's hands, and presses his forehead to the back of Edwin's neck. 

Edwin doesn't tense up, just melts into his hold, tilting his head to the side a little, and Charles lifts his head to tuck his chin over Edwin's shoulder as he tightens his hold.

They don't say anything as they watch the sky until it's more light than dark.

Charles closes his eyes and sighs, letting Edwin be the thing that is keeping him from sinking through the ground.