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“Hey, Lex, are you alright?”
That was Clark’s voice. Clark was behind him and he, Lex…he was in the Kent barn, he’d…he’d just been visiting Clark, making sure he was alright and…and…
“I just…remembered.” Lex could feel tears, hot and burning his eyes, and he didn’t want to cry, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d cried and god, he didn’t want to do it here, not in front of Clark of all people but…
“Clark. Clark I didn’t do it.”
“What? You didn’t do what Lex?”
“I didn’t kill my brother, I didn’t kill Julian!”
Clark’s eyes were huge and wary as he cautiously reached a hand out to grip Lex’s shoulder.
“Of course you didn’t, Lex, you told me he died of SIDS…”
“No, Clark, that’s what we told everyone else…but my father, he thought I did it, he thought I’d accidentally killed Julian when he wouldn’t stop crying, my father…” Lex could feel sobs beginning to fight their way out of his body, but he had to finish, he had to make Clark understand, “My father was so angry, but I was his only son, so he couldn’t do anything to me, he wouldn’t, I was his only heir! Don’t you see, that’s why I did it!”
Clark’s hand froze on Lex’s shoulder. “You just said you didn’t…”
“No! No, Clark, I didn’t kill him,” Lex grabbed Clark’s hand and squeezed it, pressing it back onto his own shoulder. “But I told my dad I did, to protect my mother, because she…she was the one…” Suddenly, Lex’s voice failed him. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say it. All these years of repressing her guilt, taking it in and having it manifest as his own and now he was free of one pain only to be crushed under another, and it was too much…
The world blurred with tears, and he found himself held tightly against something strong and warm, and there was a soothing hand on his back, and a voice he intuitively trusted murmuring in his ear, all the things he wanted to hear…
“Oh, Lex, I’m so sorry…that’s so awful, I can’t…your own mother…your brother…all these years…I can’t even….Lex…”
And so Lex allowed himself to fall apart.
~~~~~~~~
Some indeterminate amount of time later, when Lex had managed to sort through the mental deluge of images and emotions, slotting the missing pieces of his mind back where they belonged, and beginning to clean house on the demons that had decided to roost there, he managed to come back to himself.
He took stock of the situation as his senses returned in full. He was 1) not actually crying anymore, 2) still breathing, and 3) held up by impossibly strong arms…ah, yes. Right. He hadn’t had the good sense to collapse when he was on his own, he’d went and done it in the Kent barn.
When was the last time Lex had opened up to someone like this? Had he ever opened up to someone like this? It made sense, though, that if he was going to come undone this way, that Clark would be the one to pick up the pieces.
Finally, with what felt like a monumental effort, he pushed himself off of Clark’s shoulder, sniffing and pawing at his eyes, trying to collect himself behind at least a façade of control. He couldn’t quite meet Clark’s eyes, but he was deeply grateful for the firm grip Clark kept on his shoulders, steadying him, and possibly still acting as one of the main factors keeping Lex upright.
Lex coughed gruffly, still looking decidedly anywhere but at Clark, wondering who was going to be the first to talk.
As the silence stretched on between them, Lex finally resigned himself, straightening his shoulders and mustering up the courage to look Clark in the eye as he said, “I’m sorry, Clark. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Clark’s eyes were so unbearably sad that it took all of Lex’s remaining will to not let any more tears spill over at the sight.
“Lex…don’t be sorry. There’s nothing for you to be sorry over. I feel sorry, sorry that you had to go through that…no one should have to go through that.”
Lex nodded curtly, still trying to gather the shattered bits of himself back into some semblance of order. “Well, thank you, then. For being there for me.”
“Of course , Lex. Anytime.” Clark reached out to squeeze Lex’s shoulder, and Lex once again had to yank the reins on his galloping emotions before he did something stupid like bust out crying again, or collapse back into Clark’s warm embrace.
“Seriously, Lex,” Clark added, “I’m really glad that you chose to open up to me. Especially about something so, you know, intense. Personal. It means a lot.”
“Well, Clark, no matter what, you are my best friend. And even though we disagreed over…” Lex flapped his hand vaguely to indicate the unfortunate mess with Dr. Garner, “that, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re my best friend. And I trust you more than anyone.”
Lex glanced up to gauge Clark’s reaction, and was surprised and then alarmed to find his friend looking positively guilty, his stare boring a hole up in the dusty rafters above his head, as he very obviously avoided Lex’s gaze.
“Clark? Is there something wrong?”
“Huh? No, no, nothing’s wrong,” Clark answered in possibly the least convincing manner possible, his eyes starting to skitter wildly around everything in the barn that wasn’t Lex.
“Really. Cause it sure looks like something’s wrong. Was it something I said…?”
“You! No, gosh, Lex, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Clark nearly seemed to bring himself to look at Lex, but his gaze ended up landing just short of Lex’s chin, apparently intent on scrutinizing his coat collar quite closely.
“Alright…so, by a small leap of logic…did you do something wrong?” Lex felt utterly in the dark, thoroughly confused as to how his actions of bursting into tears like a child and confessing that his mother had – no, Lex couldn’t quite think the words just yet – how his mother had done what she did, how any of what had just happened had prompted this bizarre reaction from Clark.
“Lex, I…” Clark heaved a great sigh, and finally met Lex’s probing stare. “Lex, I want to tell you something. It’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, and I really should have told you a while ago and….Lex I want to tell you but I don’t think I should, at least not now, not when you’re…” Clark visibly struggled for words, finally managing to say, “…not when you’re still hurting.”
Lex was taken aback. He’d already had one wild turn of fate that night, one revelation that changed his life, so perhaps he wasn’t quite ready for another, but still…
“Clark, what is this all about? You can’t say something like that and then just expect me to walk away?”
Clark hung his head, his hands coming up to hide his face, and Lex’s already high sense of trepidation skyrocketed.
“Clark…” Lex began slowly, stepping forward to lay a hand gingerly on Clark’s forearm, “you know you can tell me anything right? I mean, I just confessed my deepest and darkest secret to you, and then cried like a baby in your arms, so there’s not really much you couldn’t say to me…”
Clark barked out a laugh from beneath his hands, and Lex relaxed fractionally.
“I mean,” Lex continued in a conversational tone, “if you murdered someone, I do have people for that sort of thing…
That got another, marginally more genuine laugh from Clark, as he let his hands fall to his sides, though he kept his gaze still fixed firmly on the ground.
“No, Lex, I didn’t murder anyone…but I did lie. To you. A lot.”
That brought Lex up short. Was this….was this the moment? The moment when Clark told him whatever it was that he’d been hiding all this time? Lex’s heart beat erratically in his chest as all the theories he’d come up with throughout the years, from the fairly believable to the wildly illogical, took turns spinning through his mind.
“Clark,” Lex chose his words with the utmost care, “I think you’ve just seen more clearly than anyone ever has how damaged I am…” At that, Clark’s eyes snapped up to meet his. “And that kind of damage means that I lie. I’ve lied to everyone I’ve ever met, including you. So, Clark…” Lex reached out with his free hand to take Clark’s other arm, so they were standing in a no-man’s-land somewhere between holding hands and hugging. “If anyone could understand and forgive a lie, it’s me…especially considering how forgiving you’ve been with me in the past.”
“Lex…” Clark’s voice cracked, and now he was the one who looked like he was on the verge of tears. Lex watched as Clark clamped his eyes shut, his posture clearly indicating he was steeling himself for something. But what?
“I never thanked you for saving me. For getting me out of that tank, that memory machine…”
Well, that wasn’t what Lex had expected. Softly, softly, he counseled himself, wary of scaring Clark off before he admitted anything.
“You’re welcome, Clark. Though I think if we’re keeping score, you’ve still saved me a good number of times more that I’ve saved you.”
Clark’s lips twitched in a shadow of his usual smile. “You have no idea…”
“Oh no?” Lex asked, trying a little desperately now to hide how deep his curiosity ran.
“No, Lex, because you thought that when you saved me, it was just from drowning. But it wasn’t the lack of air that was going to kill me, it was the Kryptonite.”
“The, uh, the what now?” Lex asked, not sure if he’d heard correctly.
“Kryptonite. It’s what the meteor rocks are – they’re fragments of the planet Krypton…my home planet.”
Lex could see Clark’s brows draw together nervously as he searched Lex’s features for a reaction, but Lex was too busy trying to figure out what in the world Clark was saying to bother controlling what his face expressed. Clark had just declared that the meteor rocks were from an alien planet, and that that planet was called Krypton, and he knew this because he was from Krypton, which made him…
“Clark, are you trying to tell me that you’re an alien?”
“Yes.”
“Like, an outer space alien, not the kind from Mexico or Slovakia?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re honestly not joking right now?”
“I am honestly not.”
“Okay.”
There was a beat of silence as Lex tried to absorb this information. Part of him was still scoffing, trying to toss this hypothesis out the logical window along with his own, other ridiculous theories, like Clark being affected by radioactive waste, or the result of an illegal government cloning experiment.
But didn’t it make sense, he argued with himself. Didn’t this explanation fit the facts as well as any other? It certainly would explain the occasionally unearthly quality Clark had about him.
“So, uh, what does being, a, uh….” Lex struggled for words as his mind wrestled with accepting something as preposterous as aliens walking among humans, walking around Smallville, as being true.
“A Kryptonian.”
“A Kryptonian. What does being a Kryptonian entail, exactly?”
“Well…” Clark’s grave expression took on a suddenly playful note, and then, in a rush of air, he was gone.
Lex froze, before whirling around, looking for – there he was. Right up there. Grinning shyly down at Lex from the upper level of the loft, like he’d been up there the whole time.
“It means I’m very fast,” Clark called down, and then he was in front of Lex again, the only indication of movement an electric blur of red and blue and a whoosh of wind.
“And very strong,” Clark continued, reaching casually over for a cast iron wrench, twisting the heavy metal into a neat curlicue like it was a bendy straw and not half a dozen pounds of solid metal.
“And –” Clark made to continue but Lex held up a hand.
“Wait, Clark…” Glee thrilled through Lex as one of his favorite details from the stories of the man from the skies inscribed on the walls of the Kawatche caves suddenly occurred to him. “Can you shoot fire from your eyes?”
Something that looked quite a lot like a smirk tugged at Clark’s lips, and for a moment his eyes seemed to glow, and then he gestured for Lex to look behind him. Lex spun around, and saw that a taper candle resting in a tarnished silver dish about ten feet away was sputtering to life.
“Oh my god…” Lex breathed, the amazement on his features making him look almost childlike with honest wonder. Clark was really grinning now.
“There’s more,” he piped up excitedly, “I can hear things, like a dog barking from miles away, and I can see through things, it’s like a sort of X-ray vision…”
Whoa. Lex forcibly repressed the urge to cover himself up at that particular revelation, largely because: what the hell could he cover himself with, if the alien standing across from him could see through everything? He was also briefly very glad that his obsessive tendencies meant that he’d been sticking to a fairly strict exercise regime through the years, and so he was, to be honest, quite fit, so if Clark had ever decided to peek…aaaand those were not the kind of thoughts he needed to be entertaining at the moment. Focus, he mentally reprimanded himself.
“This is…” Lex tried valiantly to string together a whole sentence worth of words into some form of coherence, “the craziest day of my life.” Lex spotted Clark’s previously rather proud demeanor begin to droop into something closer to shame, and quickly added, “and the best.”
“Oh?” Clark looked honestly surprised, “really?”
“Clark! You’re…you’re a miracle. And this explains so much. And you’re my best friend and that’s so…so…” Lex cast about for a word other than the obvious to describe how he felt, but finally gave in, admitting, “at the risk of sounding like a preteen, it’s just so cool.
“Haha!” Lex laughed aloud, uncaring of the fact that he probably looked at least a little crazy. “Clark! All this time, I couldn’t figure out what the hell you were hiding and it drove me insane! I was, metaphorically speaking, tearing my hair out!” Clark started to giggle, and then laugh, with just a touch of hysteria, but mostly with clear joy – a joy that was flooding through Lex, too.
“Clark!” Lex exclaimed, feeling honestly giddy for perhaps the first time in his life in which no mind-altering substances were involved, “you’re a superhero!”
Clark started to blush, but Lex wasn’t done. “And you don’t have to worry Clark, I would never tell anyone, remember, I grew up on Warrior Angel comics, I get that you have to keep your secret identity safe.” Clark laughed even more, his big toothy smile seeming to light up the barn, and Lex couldn’t believe this. Of all the possibilities he’d considered when it came to uncovering the mystery that was Clark Kent, he hadn’t imagined that what he’d find was actually what he’d already seen – a life saver, a hero.
“God, Lex, I thought you’d be so mad,” Clark confessed as his laughter subsided.
“Oh, I feel like I should be mad that you’ve been lying to me but…” Lex shook his head, not sure why he didn’t feel any anger at what could be seen as an awful betrayal, why he could only feel relief and delight. “I think that I’m just so excited to finally understand…Clark.” Lex reached out to take Clark’s arms again. “I’ve told you, you were the only real friend I’ve ever had. But I always felt like there was something holding us apart…and now, it’s gone.” Lex grinned widely, but his smile wasn’t matched on Clark’s face.
Instead of expressing any sort of similar happiness, Clark stepped out of Lex’s reach, angling his body away from Lex’s as he began to speak again.
“You see, Lex, my parents raised me to think – they engrained it in me – that no one could ever know my secret. No one, ever. And, and I don’t want to blame them, because it’s not their fault, but I…I just want you to understand why I did what I did.”
“It’s alright, Clark, I do understand.” And Lex did, he understood, he felt light and dizzy with the knowledge, not just of the wondrous powers that Clark possessed and their many and varied uses – and there were so many uses – but of the fact that of all people, Clark had told him his secret.
“No, you don’t, not yet. Because, Lex…I saw you at Summerholt. You were obsessed, and ready to die to remember that time you lost. That’s when I realized I should have told you the truth.”
“And you did tell me the truth, you just did…” Lex couldn’t understand why Clark looked so pained, or why there was a growing pit of distrust and fury coiling in his own gut.
“But the thing is, Lex…you already knew this. About my powers, you already knew almost all of this –”
“Those seven weeks,” Lex cut him off brutally, pieces snapping together in his mind and utterly dissipating the high he’d felt upon the reveal of Clark’s secret. Now he was feeling that anger he’d been missing, that betrayal, in spades. “Something happened in those seven weeks, where I found out about your secret and you…” Lex’s head was already swimming but now he could feel his heart aching, only moments ago filling with love and wonderment and now threatening to crack in two. “What else happened during those seven weeks? You know, don’t you! You know what happened that my father was so desperate to hide!”
“I…I do, Lex. I was there, for most of it…it’s how you found out about my secret…and how you found out that…that your father killed his parents, your grandparents, for the insurance money.”
Lex waited a moment, watching Clark watch him, apprehension in every line of his body.
“Yeah, I know that little gem about my father,” Lex stated, his tone arctic. “I put the pieces together a few weeks ago with the FBI. I just didn’t actually remember, I didn’t have any details, any proof…I don’t suppose you have any of that, do you?”
“No, Lex, I…I just know what you told me.”
“Right. Of course.” Wrath and betrayal and a taste for blood roiled inside Lex, but he tried to fight it, he tried to because Clark was telling him the truth now, wasn’t he? He could have kept hiding it, he could have gotten away with it, and things would have continued on like normal, he needn’t have brought this down on himself…
“Why now, Clark? You know I’m working with the Feds to bring down my father, memories or not. Your secret was safe. Why come clean?”
“Because of Julian. Lex, I just saw you…” Clark stopped, dragged his hands through his hair and took a slow, deep breath before continuing, “I watched you talk about him, about what happened, and it was like for a moment I could actually see some of that pain and anger you drag around with you getting lifted away and I…” Clark swallowed hard. “I realized that I had been adding to that, and that maybe if I…if I told the truth, finally, I could help lift that weight from your shoulders. The weight I put there.”
“Alright.”
Lex saw Clark searching his face again for a clue as to how he was feeling. Well, Lex would let him know when he knew himself.
“Alright?” Clark’s eyebrows had shot up nearly to his hairline, his expression utterly dumbfounded.
“Alright, Hercules, so start lifting.” Lex crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes and hoping that Clark could still be intimidated, even if he was technically indestructible. The way Clark ducked his head to avoid Lex’s stare seemed to indicate it certainly was possible. “How did I lose my memory?”
“Your father,” Clark admitted to his shoes.
“Of course.” Lex nodded, chewing the inside of his cheek to keep from shouting, “And you let him do that to me?”
“No!” Clark’s head shot back up, the desperation in his eyes clear, “Lex, no, I tried to stop him, I came to break you out of Belle Reve, I tried to rescue you, but some of the other patients, the ones I’d helped put in there, they attacked me with Kryptonite, they dragged me off to try and steal my powers….” Lex’s expression must have been pretty incredulous, because Clark waved his hands and plowed on, “It doesn’t matter. The only important thing is…I was too late. By the time I got there, they’d already given you the treatment. It was too late, I’m so sorry.”
Lex avoided Clark’s pleading gaze, trying to remain calm and logical above the red haze that threatened to descend on his vision.
“Okay. So, I can accept you were too late, that you tried to save me…no hero’s perfect, not even you. But why didn’t you tell me afterwards? Why didn’t you save me from my father, and tell me what I’d forgotten?”
Clark’s eyes fell away again, and Lex spotted the glint of tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Clark?”
“Lex, I’m so sorry…”
“You already said that, what you haven’t said is why you didn’t tell me!”
“Lex, I…I didn’t want you to regain your memories.”
There it was. Lex could hardly believe it, but at the same time, he felt it in his bones. Of course Clark didn’t trust him, he never had, from the beginning…
Clark had started speaking again, and Lex struggled to hear him over the roaring in his own ears.
“I was so scared, I was so selfish, that I hoped I could erase what I’d done –”
“You mean erase your mistake? The mistake of trusting me?”
“No, Lex! That’s not it.”
Lex scoffed, turning away. Clark reached for his shoulder, but Lex shook him off, subjecting him to his coldest, most disdainful glare. Clark pulled away like he’d tried to grab a hot poker, the hurt on his face almost enough to make Lex consider forgiving him – almost.
“Okay. Okay, yes, that is part of what it was. Even knowing how you reacted the first time you knew my secret…I just didn’t feel I could be sure that you’d keep it forever. And Lex, I couldn’t be sure it was fair of me to make you keep it forever – it’s a burden, Lex, and that’s the last thing you needed in your state.”
“Oh, I see,” Lex exploded, “so this was all just to protect me and my fragile mental health! Well, thank you so much, Clark, for your concern –”
“Lex, please! I know it was wrong! I knew it as soon as I found out what you were doing at the Summerholt institute! I almost told you, right there outside that building, I almost told you everything. But Lex, please,” Clark implored, but Lex just turned his back to him. “Lex, I’ve spent every minute of my entire life doing everything in my power to keep my secret safe. I’ve only ever told one person, and a few months later, he told me it was too much and he left! He left Smallville, and he left me, when he’d said he was my best friend.”
That gave Lex pause. He turned halfway back to Clark, still not actually looking at him as he asked, “Pete? Pete knew?”
“Yes. He did. And at first, he was happy to be part of it, to know what I’d been hiding for so long, but then he…Lex, there was a time he tried to abuse my powers. I’d known him practically my whole life, and he tried to use me! Get me to steal for him when he had screwed up and owed money to some bad people…And then, then he doesn’t even have the guts to stick around, he just uproots his life and leaves and…and I can’t even blame him.”
Lex finally turned back to Clark, and it was such a sorry figure that greeted him: the only true friend he ever had, with his head hanging and his eyes red, his shoulders sagging with far more weight than any young man should have to carry.
“I’m sorry,” Lex said in a voice much calmer than he thought he’d be able to muster up. “About Pete trying to…use you. I never would have believed he’d do that.”
“Neither would I,” Clark nearly whispered.
“But I would blame him for what he did,” Lex continued, hardly able to believe what he was saying, but knowing in his heart that he meant it. “Because no matter how he felt, no matter how much trouble he was in…it was unforgivable for him to try and abuse you like that.” Lex breathed deeply through his nose, trying to calm the hot, acidic flares of anger that kept sparking in his gut. “And I think…I think I can understand, after something like that, how you would have trouble trusting me…or anyone.”
Clark peeked up, his bright eyes dulled with sadness from under his thick lashes. “Lex, I can’t expect you to forgive me, not for what I did. Because you trusted me Lex, and I trusted you…and then I broke that trust, and I let your father fill you up with his evil lies again and I…I didn’t try and stop him and for that I’m so sorry, Lex, I’m so sorry…”
Lex realized just then that for perhaps the first time in his and Clark’s relationship, it wasn’t him begging forgiveness – it was Clark pleading to be given a second chance. So, the question was, would he give Clark that second chance?
Lex only needed to look into Clark’s eyes for a fraction of a moment before he realized that he already knew the answer to that question.
“I forgive you, Clark. Of course, I forgive you.”
“You…you do?”
Lex wanted to be a little insulted at the incredulity on Clark’s face – was it that hard to believe that Lex could be forgiving? But, taking even a glancing trip back down memory lane, he knew that he hadn’t exactly shown himself to be the type to have mercy.
“Yes, Clark, I do forgive you.”
Clark’s frame relaxed minutely, though his hands remained clenched in tight fists at his sides. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to let down his guard just yet.
“So…you’re not mad?” Clark probed tentatively.
“Oh, I’m still mad, and if I didn’t know all I’d get was a broken hand for my troubles, I’d definitely have punched you by now. But Clark…” Lex stared up at the ceiling, willing gravity to force back the tears that were making a sudden, unwelcome reappearance in his eyes. “Clark, you told me now, you told me everything, even though you didn’t have to…and you told me for me, because you’re worried about me and…god, you’re just too good a person.” Lex laughed sharply, suddenly, and Clark started visibly at the sound. “Clark, I think you are literally just too good for me to stay mad at you. And besides,” Lex smiled as brightly as he could at Clark, considering he still felt a little volcanic, and tears were still pricking at the corners of his eyes, “you’ve forgiven me so many times, I think it’s high time I return the favor.”
The thoroughly stunned disbelief on Clark’s face was enough to jolt some real, honest laughter from Lex.
“And there’s the added bonus that I now get to feel generous and magnanimous by accepting your apology. Hmmm…” Lex made a show of leaning back against the nearest handrail and tapping his chin with one finger, as he wondered loudly, “Is this what it feels like to be you?”
There was another foreign rush of wind, and Lex unexpectedly found himself with an armful of big, strong, and slightly shaking alien farmboy. The sound of muffled sniffling floated up from where Clark had shoved his face against the side of Lex’s neck.
“Thank you, Lex,” Clark whispered, gratitude pouring from every syllable. Lex started to feel a little floaty again as he wrapped his arms more properly around Clark’s shoulders, and twisted slightly to get more comfortable in the rather tight embrace. Lex hoped Clark was aware that if he squeezed even a little more, Lex’s internal organs would be forced to relocate – a fact Lex probably should’ve been more worried about, but couldn’t bring himself to be concerned with, heady with the endorphin rush Clark’s proximity had set off.
Clark pulled back, at human speed this time, swiping away the tears that had slipped down his cheeks, but not moving too far out of Lex’s space.
“Lex, I can’t say how much it means to me…I mean, I honestly cannot believe that you’re forgiving me, and this fast…”
Lex sighed, wondering at how rapidly all the hateful feelings that had been trying to claw their way up his throat had vanished. He might have thought he’d feel empty in the absence of the usual rage or despair that lingered behind most every other emotion he had but he didn’t – he felt right. Like everything was the way it was supposed to be.
“Well, think about it,” Lex began, his tone even and reasonable, “I blame my father for a lot of my own issues –”
“And rightfully so, he’s usually to blame,” Clark cut in.
“– yes, he is. And while I don’t mean to malign your parents to his level…I think that maybe growing up with two people who love you so much, and are so clearly good, but who tell you day in and day out that you have to hide who you are…well, it’s actually pretty understandable that you’d have some issues telling the truth.”
Lex patted Clark’s shoulder gamely. “Seriously, Clark, if anyone can understand what it’s like to fight years of parental programming for dishonesty, it’s me.”
Clark looked a bit uncomfortable at that parallel between his parents and Lex’s, but when he opened his mouth to reply, he didn’t contradict it: “I’d never thought about it that way, but…yeah.” Clark squinted thoughtfully over Lex’s shoulder, clearly still turning over the implications of those similarities in his mind. Lex was about to say something mollifying, after all, he still believed the Kents to be fundamentally good people, and he hadn’t meant any real harm with his comments…
But then a new and horrific realization crashed down on Lex without any warning, as he abruptly remembered the existence of a room in his mansion. A secret, locked room that, in many ways, matched point for point the elaborate deception that Clark had executed over the years. The more diabolic side of Lex’s mind wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have let Clark off the hook so easily, not when he could have held out, faked annoyance, and bartered his own forgiveness of Clark’s lies for Clark’s forgiveness of his own.
No, he firmly argued with his darker tendencies, that’s not how we do things. Not anymore, not with Clark. Honesty, dammit, that was the only thing that would be able to keep their relationship together.
“Clark.” Lex’s voice wavered damningly, even as he tried to steady himself. “Your honesty has been…truly, incredibly appreciated. Even if it was…painful, at times. It’s better that I know.”
Clark nodded, remnants of dread and grief still lingering in the lines of his beautiful face.
“And I’m hoping…god, I’m hoping so very much that you feel the same, because there’s something that I think you need to know. A place, actually, that I think you need to see.” Lex squeezed his eyes shut, this admission more painful and terrifying that he’d imagined it would be.
“What place, Lex?”
Lex tried to steel himself, prepare for however Clark was going to react – with rage, maybe, or worse, sorrow. “It’s a room. In the mansion. I think you need to see it for yourself…”
Lex’s words died in his throat as he was thrown suddenly into a tornado of motion, his eyes flying open to find the world exploded into a surreal blur of whirling color, with only the sensation of strong arms around him remaining constant as his surroundings seemed to melt and flow past him at inhuman speeds. And suddenly, the world snapped back into focus, and he was standing in front of the door to his study in the mansion. After a moment of honest consideration that his mental illness had returned with a serious vengeance, everything clicked and he turned to stare wide-eyed at Clark.
“You…?” he tried to ask, but couldn’t find any words that seemed to fit the situation.
“Uh, yeah, sorry.” Clark blinked innocently at him, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.
“You are…very…fast.”
Clark nodded kindly, biting his lip in what Lex now suspected was an attempt to conceal laughter.
“Well.” Lex tried for an airy tone, and missed it by a few hundred miles, “One of the perks of having a super-powered alien as a friend, I suppose.”
“Yeah. You’ll get used to it.”
Lex doubted that very seriously, not least because he still wasn’t sure he wouldn’t topple over if he tried to move.
“So where’s this room, then?” Clark waved vaguely down the hallway behind Lex, and the crushing anxiety of showing Clark his most terrible and personal secret came hurtling back down on Lex’s psyche.
“Right. Right, um…” Lex turned down the hall, taking a few cautious steps, still mindful of his lingering dizziness. “This way.”
Lex led Clark through the meandering halls in silence. He didn’t dare glance back at his friend to see how he was reacting, and when they finally reached the door of the room in question, Lex forced himself to grab the key without stalling and shove it in the lock, turning it roughly and throwing open the door.
Like ripping off a band-aid, he tried vainly to console himself. A band-aid whose removal might then expose a gaping, aching wound… But this is Clark, he reminded himself firmly, and for the first time since he realized what he had to do in this attempt to heal their relationship, he felt the beginnings of a sense of calm. This is Clark, and if there was anyone in the whole world who could forgive Lex, and maybe help suture this hole in his heart, then it was Clark.
“What is this place?” came Clark’s voice from beside him.
“It’s…it’s my sanctuary. And some days,” Lex stepped into the low-lit, cavernous space, “my hell.”
Clark followed him in and down the small set of stairs, letting the door swing shut behind them with an ominous clang. Lex listened carefully, waiting for the moment – and there it was. The sharp intake of breath as Clark’s eyes adjusted to the gloom, and the backlit images and glowing tableaus began to come into focus.
“Lex…” Clark started, taking an aborted step forward, before almost stumbling back, the shock palpable in his tone.
“I can’t say that I know what this looks like, Clark, except that I imagine it probably looks pretty crazy, and probably obsessive.”
The silence coming from Clark was like a physical force, pressing against Lex, pushing words out of his lips before he’d even thought them through.
“And I know it might look like it’s all about you, but it’s not, it’s about me.”
“Oh, yeah?” Clark challenged, rounding on Lex from where he’d been turned, examining a flattened bullet suspended from the ceiling on wire. “Because I don’t see any blown up, six foot tall pictures of you hanging around here.”
“Alright, yes, it is in part about you. But not directly, Clark. This is the place where I hide away all the unexplained mysteries of my life – and can you really blame me that so many of those mysteries start and end with you?”
The glare Clark was giving him seemed to indicate that, yes, in fact, Clark could blame him. But, there was also a distinct, underlying note of guilt coloring his anger, and to that sign Lex held on with a vengeance as he endeavored to further explain.
“Clark, you see, after all of the things that have happened in my life, the unexplained things – the meteor shower, my brother’s death, the dozens of times my dad has twisted his words to make it seem like I’m imagining things... I needed something real, something physical, someplace where I could keep everything, including my sanity, safe.
“This place…it’s like a physical manifestation of my mind, and of my past. It reminds me that the things I remember aren’t just in my head, they really happened.”
Lex fought down the desperation building inside of him as his explanations seemed to bounce off of Clark as easily as the mushroomed bullets that hung beside him had.
“It all started with Julian, you see…something had just…cracked inside of me…that my mother could…” Lex had to stop and suck in a deep, steadying breath as the newly reformed memory of that awful night washed through his mind yet again.
“That was the first mystery that I needed to solve. Because, I think part of me knew that I was deluding myself about what had happened. That it was so awful, the idea that I accidentally murdered my own baby brother was less horrible by comparison. So, I started to make…this. It started with just a journal, a place to write my thoughts and experiences, but then words on a page weren’t enough, and so I started collecting evidence.”
Lex watched as Clark began to stride slowly through the room, his face as impenetrable a mask as Lex had ever seen it. And that absence of emotion frightened Lex so much more than any fury or rage ever could.
“Jeez, Lex,” Clark began abruptly, his cold stare fixed on the animation of that fateful crash on the bridge that stood against the far wall, “why’d I even bother to tell you my secret, seems you figured it out all on your own just fine.”
“I just had pieces, Clark, I couldn’t see the whole.” Lex swayed towards him, fingers reaching out to touch his shoulder, but halting at the last moment.
“There’s so much of my own life that I can’t explain, surviving countless brushes with death…I think part of me just knew that it was you, that you were my…my own, personal, guardian angel,” Lex couldn’t stop a wistful smile from twisting his mouth as he contemplated the image. “But Clark, you just kept feeding me these lies; ridiculous stories and claims that it was all a coincidence, an accident, luck, but…”
Clark’s chin dropped to his chest, and the guilt Lex had spotted before bloomed in earnest in his expression.
“Clark…” Lex began again, working desperately to try and find the right words – the words that would help Clark understand why Lex had done what he did, but didn’t make Clark feel even guiltier than he already did – because as easy an out as that would be, to simply play the ‘you lied to me and so really this is your fault’ card, that wasn’t the foundation he wanted to rebuild their relationship on.
“I want you to know…I really don’t blame you for keeping your secret from me…seeing this place probably just confirms every mistrustful thought you’ve ever had about me. But Clark, it just seemed like no matter what I said or did, you wouldn’t help me solve these mysteries, so when I started building this room, I hid it from you, because I was so afraid that you just wouldn’t understand…”
Again, again, he was doing it. Emotional manipulation was just second nature at this point. Or maybe first nature, if it was in his genes…would he forever be trapped by his father’s blood and breeding?
“But it’s alright,” Lex finally admitted. “You know now. And even if you don’t understand, even if you can’t understand, and even if you don’t believe another word I say, please just believe this: if the existence of this place, and my unquenchable obsession with the unexplained means that I lose your friendship, well. Then I wish I could raze this room to the ground, or better yet, have stopped it from ever being built. I wish I could tear out that part of me that ignores boundaries and rules and morality to chase theories and ideas. Because there is no mystery, no answer, that is more important that you.”
Lex felt his hands start to tremble as the weight of his words lifted from his shoulders. What he’d said was the most honest truth he knew, and if that couldn’t salvage any remaining feelings of friendship Clark may have for him, then he didn’t know anything that would.
“You know, Lex…” Lex tried not to jump as Clark started to speak, his words measured, and still addressed to the looping animation in front of him, “I used to watch Lana through my telescope.”
“Yes, Clark, I know,” Lex answered cautiously, confused as to where this conversation was headed. “She knows. I think everyone knows.”
“Oh. Well. That’s…” Clark shook his head, turning slowly back towards Lex, “that’s not my point. So, I used to watch Lana, and I always justified it, saying that it was alright because I cared about her. And I’d watch her at school, and I’d keep track of what classes she was in, and sometimes I’d look at her picture in our yearbook for way too long…”
Lex was honestly not sure what the point of this uncomfortable admission was, except to spark a jealous fire in Lex’s gut, but he figured it was a safe bet that that was not Clark’s goal.
“What I’m trying to say,” Clark finally declared, frustration clear in his tone, “is that…okay, yeah, it’s a little weird, or a lot weird, that you sort of stalked me, but really, what right do I have to be mad at you for it when I basically did the same thing to Lana? Just…on a smaller scale. With fewer life-size replicas and less spooky lighting.”
Clark cracked a teasing little grin, and Lex laughed loudly at the sudden, unexpected levity, the sound echoing in the huge space.
“Well, maybe if you’d also been raised in a series of eerie old mansions and grown up emotionally stunted, using money to replace actual relationships, you’d have yourself a Lana-room too.”
“Ehhh….honestly, I might have,” Clark agreed unconcernedly, glancing around and nodding to himself.
“Well…” Lex cut himself off before he actually said anything, realizing he had been about to draw attention to the rather obvious parallels between his own obsession with Clark, and Clark’s obsessive crush on Lana, and that that conversation probably wouldn’t end well, even if Clark had been the one to draw the connections in the first place.
“So, Lex, just out of curiosity….” Clark coughed awkwardly, and scuffed his shoe against the ground. “I mean, this is kind of personal…”
“Yes, Clark? I think you can ask just about anything you like. I mean, look around, my curiosity got the better of me and did the worst – it’d certainly be your turn to make an uncomfortable exploration into something personal.” Lex tried to make his smile light and welcoming, but it was lost on Clark who couldn’t seem to take his eyes from where they were apparently riveted by his shoelaces.
“It’s just…with Lana, like I was saying…the reason I was so…curious…was because I, well, I….”
Uh oh. So, Clark was gonna be the one to mention the proverbial elephant in the room. Maybe Lex should nip this conversation in the bud with a well-placed comment about his ravenous curiosity about scientific mysteries, or his past, or the meteor shower –
Clark suddenly tore his gaze from his shoes to stare deeply into Lex’s eyes, his stare gripping and intense as he stated calmly, “It was because I used to like her, Lex.”
“I, uh…” Used to?
“Do you like me, Lex?”
Oh god. Was there an answer to that that wouldn’t get Lex super-smashed into a wall?
“Because…” Clark dragged in a deep breath before declaring in a clear, cool voice: “because I like you, Lex.”
Huh? What? Had Lex developed serious hearing issues? Or perhaps, he was relapsing into his delusions? And…and when had he installed rotating lights in this room, because he didn’t remember doing any such thing, but the place was definitely spinning…
“Whoa, Lex!” The whirling motion of the room stopped suddenly as Lex found himself clutching at Clark’s chest, tilted at an odd angle as if he’d tripped and been about to fall. Or, perhaps, he realized with a prickle of embarrassment, faint.
“Are you alright?” The concern in Clark’s eyes was utterly debilitating at this kind of intense proximity, and Lex certainly couldn’t be faulted for getting a bit dizzy when…when Clark….he’d just…
Lex’s mouth opened and he heard himself say in a distinctly dazed tone of voice, “you’re really strong.”
“Uh, yeah, Lex. I am. Pretty sure proving that is the entire point of this whole room.” Clark glanced deliberately around the room in question, but Lex couldn’t tear his eyes away from Clark’s face, his strong jaw, those lush lips…
“Clark, you were…you were saying something…”
“Ummm…” Clark ducked his head to the side, suddenly avoiding Lex’s gaze. But Lex released his grip on Clark’s t-shirt as his legs steadied underneath him, and reached out to tilt Clark’s face back towards his own.
“When you say you ‘like’ me, Clark, do you mean…” Lex wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence, but he thought Clark got the message.
“I mean…I like you. Like you, like you, you know.”
“Well, Clark, then you should know…” Lex cast about briefly for a way to respond to that without using the same, juvenile phrasing but quickly gave up in favor of expressing himself as swiftly as possible. “I like you like you too.”
The wattage of Clark’s smile as his face lit up at Lex’s words was astonishing, easily enough to power all of Metropolis, and it was blinding, but Lex couldn’t bear to look away.
And then, once again, Lex found Clark Kent suddenly in his arms in the space of a blink, but this time, the intention in Clark’s eyes was eager and unmistakable. Lex nodded, just a subtle movement, but a clear one. Clark’s smile grew impossibly brighter and then –
Holy hell. This was happening. This was very much happening, right now. He, Lex Luthor, son of one of the most purely evil men ever born on this Earth, was kissing the son of the stars, an impossible man whose destiny was larger than Lex could even comprehend, but in this moment, Clark had chosen to make Lex part of that destiny, and Lex could imagine no better fate.
Lex sighed into the kiss, tilting his head to get a better angle, letting his fingers slide and tangle in Clark’s thick, dark hair. Clark made a pleased little hum in response, pulling Lex tighter to his chest, and Lex was pretty sure his feet left the ground for a moment.
From a purely practical standpoint, Clark was actually a pretty mediocre kisser – no technique, no finesse. But Lex could very simply not care less, except for the fact that it meant he’d hopefully be allowed to teach Clark some of the finer points of the art.
And Clark was so big and warm – Lex wondered if Kryptonians usually ran hot, or if it was just Clark’s natural radiance. He’d ask Clark later, or possibly never, since he didn’t plan on breaking this embrace ever, if at all possible –
He should have known that that was a hopeless dream, as he was jarred from a pleasant exploration of Clark’s mouth by the unwelcome ring of his cell. He tried not to actually growl as he disentangled himself from Clark’s grasp just enough to dig his phone out of his pocket.
“Board members,” Lex grumbled, “I should probably take this.”
“Oh…okay. That’s fine, I –” Clark made to step away, but Lex quickly grabbed hold of his shirt front, hauling him back in for a searing kiss.
“Too bad for the board members,” Lex murmured roughly against Clark’s mouth, “I’m busy.”
Lex enjoyed the sight of Clark breaking into a pleased grin (a phenomenon even more beautiful when observed at close quarters, he learned) for a moment, before leaning back in.
But then Clark ducked away at the last second, his eyes widening as if something unfortunate had just occurred to him. Lex followed his gaze as it flickered guiltily over to the door.
“Speaking of interruptions, or whatever, shouldn’t we be more, you know, careful? Couldn’t someone walk in on us?”
“Clark,” Lex raised one dubious eyebrow. “Are you worried about someone managing to walk in on the secret, locked room of obsession that I successfully hid in my mansion from an alien with X-ray vision for three years?”
“Oh. Right.”
“Yeah.”
“Then…” Something shifted in Clark’s smile, it took on a slightly predatory note, and the tempo of Lex’s heart began to beat in double time. “…we have this place all to ourselves.”
“We certainly do.”
“No one will come looking for us here?”
“Nope. So, if you were planning on assassinating me to keep your secret safe, this would actually be a really good place to do it in.”
“Hmmm…” Clark raised an eyebrow as if considering the possibility, the playful twinkle in his eye the only real indicator that he was not, in fact, about to commit a homicide. And Lex definitely shouldn’t have found that to be attractive, but alas, he most definitely was.
“No,” Clark pretended to decide after a moment, “there are plenty of other things that could be done in dark corners.”
“Clark Kent,” Lex chuckled, “where have you been picking up this noir-style innuendo?”
The mysterious persona Clark had been affecting cracked as he let out a distinctly youthful sort of giggle. “I can’t tell you all my secrets in one day, Lex.”
“I suppose not.”
“But I have to admit,” Clark leaned in close and Lex tried to focus on the words he was saying and not just the unearthly beauty of Clark’s eyes, “I’m suddenly finding the fact that you sort of built a shrine to me to be really hot, instead of really creepy.”
“Aha! Maybe that was my true goal all along. Seduction through stalking.”
“I’d make fun of you for that, except that clearly I’ve totally fallen for it, so, I guess, maybe it’s not such a bad method after all.”
“Maybe not. I’ll have to take note for the future.”
Clark’s features hardened slightly, his eyes narrowing as he almost growled, “Except you won’t need to do anything like this in the future, because you’ve already got me, right?”
Oh hell, speaking of things he shouldn’t be finding hot…the just-shy-of-too-tight-grip of Clark’s hands on his biceps and that possessive glare were stirring things in Lex that made him very glad indeed that they were hidden away, alone in a dark room.
“Right, Clark.” Lex let his tone soften, forcing the barriers behind his eyes down, trying to let Clark know how totally defenseless Lex was right now, and how he trusted Clark entirely with that vulnerability. He reached out to trail his fingers along the flawless line of Clark’s cheekbone as he murmured, “You know, I’ve been yours since that day on the bridge when you breathed life back into me.”
Clark’s arms froze around Lex, before, in a motion too fast for any human being to comprehend, Clark had pressed his mouth back to Lex’s, and maybe he wasn’t actually breathing life back into Lex this time, but Lex had never felt more alive.
Lex gasped a little when the pressure of Clark’s mouth was suddenly gone from his own, traveled over to press against the pulse point in Lex’s neck. A moment later, Lex recognized the unexpected vibration against his skin as Clark trying very hard not to laugh.
“What’s so funny,” he murmured against Clark’s ear, letting his fingers reach out and explore the muscled expanse of Clark’s back and shoulders.
“It’s not actually that funny, it’s just…” Clark leaned back, recapturing Lex’s gaze. “That time after the accident was kind of our first kiss.”
Lex rolled his eyes as Clark started to laugh in earnest.
“You know, Clark, as much as popular entertainment media likes to romanticize CPR, performing life saving measures doesn’t generally count as a legitimate kiss.”
Clark shrugged magnanimously through his giggles, “Have it your way then.”
“Well, since you were the one doing the actual life-saving, I think I’ll leave it up to your interpretation.”
“Ah, but, though I may have saved you then, it wasn’t long after that that you saved me, when I was strung up in that field.”
“Right! That was actually one of the many, many things that I’ve been wondering about: why you didn’t just tear yourself free? And, actually, how could a couple of meathead football players have gotten the jump on you in the first place?”
“Kryptonite. They had Lana’s necklace with them…I could barely lift a finger, much less hurl them into the corn.”
“Of course.” Lex’s eyebrows drew together, and he mentally began to plan how to execute an in-depth removal of every last trace of meteor rock in Smallville, starting with the hunk of the stuff that he kept in this very room. The warm smile that bloomed on Clark’s face, however, derailed any thoughts of strategy, or really anything that wasn’t just pure awe at the fact that someone this beautiful not only existed, but apparently had chosen to make Lex part of his life.
“I guess maybe we were destined to save each another,” Clark mused.
“Hmm, I like that. Especially since I’ve heard…other theories about what we’re meant to be to one another.”
Clark nodded solemnly, and Lex surmised that he was also probably aware of the Kawatche legends – and wow, there was something to think about. Clark was literally a…a prophet, or a savior, or even a god, his arrival painted on cave walls centuries before he was even born…and here he was, this incredible being, standing in front of Lex and agreeing, no, choosing to be his….well, his something.
“To take a brief detour back into adolescent vernacular for clarification…are we dating?” Lex asked cautiously, “Boyfriends, etc.?”
“Oh! Um. Hmm.” A flurry of varied emotions chased each other across Clark’s open features as the implications of that statement seemed to settle in.
“Yes, hmm,” Lex agreed, wondering what would piss Jonathan Kent off more: that he was dating his son, or that he knew his son’s secret. Either one would probably be reason enough for the man to make a grab for his shotgun.
“Well…I think that this whole, crazy day has shown us, once and for all, that honesty is the best policy,” Clark began, his tone measured.
“True.”
“But telling people…telling my parents…” Clark shivered slightly, horror growing in his eyes.
“Telling your parents would most likely end in some form of violence, and almost definitely tears and shouting.”
Clark nodded, looking a bit queasy.
“And that’s not even considering how my father might react…” Lex continued, wincing at even the thought.
“Oh my god.” The horror in Clark’s eyes was joined by stark terror.
“Right, so, maybe hold off on making any grand announcements just yet.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Clark’s eyes glazed over as he considered the (admittedly fairly alarming) possibilities.
“But that’s alright, isn’t it?” Lex inquired gently, stepping closer so he could wrap his arms around Clark’s waist. “I think we’ve both demonstrated that we’re good at keeping secrets.”
Clark’s gaze slid slowly back to meet Lex’s, his head tilting thoughtfully as he replied, his words coming slowly as if he was thinking carefully about each one, “And, maybe secrets aren’t so bad…as long as we keep them together?” Clark’s voice lilted up at the end, his words a question, or maybe a request.
“Together. Sounds good to me. Great, actually,” Lex amended, unable to force back what he was sure was a terribly besotted grin.
“Great. And actually,” Clark ducked his head closer to Lex’s, his voice dropping as if he was going to share some particularly juicy gossip, “I think it could be kinda fun. Forbidden romance, you know, like in the movies, or in Romeo and Juliet.”
Lex winced. “Ugh, Clark, not Romeo and Juliet – you do remember how that ended, don’t you?”
“Ummm…” Clark scratched the back of his head, squeezing one eye shut as he attempted to recall the information. "I…don’t actually. I never got to the end of it. There was an…incident, that I had to take care of.”
“You mean, you had to go play hero?”
“Yup. There were killer bees involved that time, I think.”
Lex shuddered slightly. “Glad I wasn’t there for that one.”
“Actually, I think you might have been, but you just didn’t know it.”
Lex stepped back a little. “Really? I feel like I would definitely remember killer bees.”
Clark’s expression turned teasing almost instantly. “Lex, you don’t remember half the times I’ve saved you. You are always getting knocked unconscious, or getting temporary amnesia…”
“Or not-so-temporary amnesia,” Lex reminded him pointedly.
“Erm, yeah,” Clark shuffled his boots awkwardly, “sorry about that. Again.”
“Well, I think if you’ve been saving my life on the sly even more than the dozen or so times that I actually consciously remember, I can forgive you for one little indiscretion.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call it little.”
“Maybe not, but still – I think we can call it even.”
Clark smiled a lopsided little smile and Lex didn’t even try to stop his heart from going wild in his chest at the sight. To hell with it, Clark was his now, and he had every damn right to be excited about that.
“Oh, I just remembered,” Clark snapped his fingers, “Romeo and Juliet – they died, didn’t they.”
“That they did.”
“Right. So, no, we’re not going for that. Can you think of any forbidden love stories that have a happier ending?”
“Well…” Lex cocked his head to the side, considering. “The genre tends to favor tragic endings, as a rule.”
“Hmm…” Clark’s thoughtful expression suddenly took on a flirtatious note. “Then I guess we’ll have to write our own ending.”
Lex found himself pulled abruptly in, pressed snugly up against Clark’s firm body. He let his hands rest on Clark’s chest, his head spinning a little at the sudden movement, but grateful for the opportunity to investigate the chiseled muscles. His reply came out a little breathless as his fingers danced across Clark’s collarbone, “Mmm, break the rules, as it were.”
Clark dipped his head, lips brushing against Lex’s jaw as murmured in a low, warm voice, “screw destiny, I think we deserve a happy ending.”
Just before Lex closed the distance between their mouths, he whispered back in total, passionate agreement: “to hell with destiny, let’s get started on that happily ever after.”