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Soobin breathed in heavily, lifting his head from his chest and looking around silently. His gaze rested on his lap, relaxing as Beomgyu squirmed uncomfortably.
It was the beginning of their second week with Beomgyu. Last Saturday was his first seizure-free day in a week. It was Monday now; Soobin was tired, Yeonjun was tired, Beomgyu was tired. They were all in pain, physically and mentally, and nothing could help at this point except for the less than three consecutive hours of sleep they each got every day.
Soobin immediately stood up, bouncing Beomgyu up and down in his arms as the boy started to wail softly, exhaustion evident in his inconsolable cries. Soobin wouldn’t stop, even if he knew his bounces and soft murmurs of “shh, shh-shh, it’s okay, baby. Papa’s right here.” were ultimately meaningless in the long run of Beomgyu’s recovery. If they did help, Soobin would do that every second of every day.
It seemed like an eternity until Beomgyu stopped crying. It always felt like that, but that could be chalked up to his parents’ ever-tragic immediate, unlimited love for the boy.
Soobin yawned as silently as he could, leaning his face into his shoulder to ensure he didn’t accidentally drool on Beomgyu’s face. He slightly sighed, before facing Beomgyu and silently softening. He smiled, Beomgyu’s grimace lessening ever so slightly as he looked at the man tearfully.
Soobin extended his finger toward the boy’s hand, Beomgyu softly muttering out as his tiny hand curled around Soobin’s finger. Beomgyu continued staring at him and Soobin secretly thought that maybe his baby already recognizes him and that all he needs is Soobin's love to survive. He knew that couldn’t have possibly been true; it would be another week until Beomgyu would start to recognize him; he knew this tiny child could never even begin to grasp the everlasting, ever-powerful love that Soobin felt when his gaze first landed on the boy. But, God, that didn’t mean he wasn’t excited. He just had to make it through today. As long as he made it through this night, his baby would heal and they could go home.
💙
Soobin silently opened his eyes, turning his head to gaze at his husband as the older broke down sobbing. He silently turned to the doctor, hazy feeling spreading through his chest.
“I’m sorry. His withdrawal is worsening more than we expected. Our best option might be to wean him off of the morphine fully and hope he survives.”
Tears drag from Soobin’s eyes. He doesn’t register them. Between the soft cries of the NICU and his husband’s muffled cries, Soobin couldn’t register anything.
How could whatever higher power there was in the world be so cruel as to take this baby away from them like this? A certain quote resonated through Soobin’s head.
“Now I have to remember you for longer than I have known you.”
Soobin wasn’t sure where he heard it. Nevertheless, it still cracked his porcelain heart. There were only so many things that could do that.
Soobin sunk into his lap, sobs ripping through his throat as he closed in on himself.
Soobin immediately flinched awake, looking around before relaxing as Beomgyu cried in his arms. He immediately sighed out, tears leftover from his nightmare falling from his eyes as he relievedly looked at Beomgyu. He immediately stood up, comforting his baby as he smiled rejoicingly.
“Oh, it’s okay. It’s okay, baby. You’re still here. I’m still here. We’re okay. Oh, thank god. We’re okay, baby.”
Tears fell from his eyes as he smiled shakily and spoke achingly, rubbing Beomgyu’s back as he bounced him in his arms.
💙
Soobin looked close to collapsing when Yeonjun arrived Monday morning. And, for once, Yeonjun started to worry about his husband. Beomgyu was obviously much more active when the rest of the world was asleep, but that didn’t mean his withdrawal was easy for Yeonjun either.
Yeonjun kissed Soobin on the lips, tenderly, before the other handed Beomgyu off to him, finally asleep. Beomgyu slightly turned as Yeonjun took him, the man ever so carefully tucking him into his arms silently and relaxing as the boy continued to sleep.
“Get as much sleep as you can today, alright? I can stay as long as you need me to.” He rubbed his thumb on his husband’s cheek, the other blinking lethargically as he grabbed his hospital bag.
“I’ll try my best.” He whispered, smiling tiredly at his husband.
“I mean it. If it means taking the night off, I can stay.” Yeonjun looked at him, gravely serious expression on his face. Soobin smiled, before glancing down at Beomgyu, then back at Yeonjun, and nodding silently.
And with that, Soobin left the NICU, and Yeonjun prayed he would get enough sleep for the both of them. He looked down at Beomgyu, the newborn yawning in his arms silently.
“I worry about your Papa too much, Beomie.” Yeonjun looked down at his son, the boy sleepily blinking at him. His eyes focused on Yeonjun’s face before the boy curiously bubbled and gurgled at him as he lifted his arms from his swaddle. Yeonjun smiled softly, wiggling his finger before the boy’s face.
And then Beomgyu started crying. And Yeonjun carefully sighed out, sitting down on a bench right outside of the NICU and preparing his formula one-handedly. The boy’s eating habits were less than stellar, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hungry. Yeonjun concluded he was probably starving whenever he was awake, but his sucking power was weak in general, and sometimes he couldn’t finish without spatting some up and crying for more. Today would be no different, and Yeonjun would smile and comfort his baby boy for as long as he lived.
💙
Most of their days bled together now. Jungkook started to stop by every morning after dropping the twins off at kindergarten to bring Yeonjun coffee. Yeonjun would sit with him, coffee in hand and Beomgyu on his shoulder as they both conversed lightly and occasionally checked on the boy.
They missed the twins whenever their thoughts weren’t occupied by Beomgyu. Jungkook was nothing short of a lifesaver during the couple’s time at the hospital. Sometimes even their Yoongi-hyung would visit Soobin in the late hours of the night, always softly declining Soobin’s offers to hold Beomgyu. Instead, he would just softly gaze at the baby in Soobin’s arms and smile, before patting the back of Soobin’s head and taking his leave.
They couldn’t help but be extra doting to their sons whenever they were home. Whenever Soobin would return home in the morning, the boys would already be at kindergarten, but he was certain they could still feel his love through the lunchboxes he made them the night (really morning) before. He always prided himself on them after Taehyun said everyone was so jealous of our lunches! after the first day of kindergarten, so even through this endeavor he always put in as much effort as he always did despite the limited energy available to the parents.
As for Yeonjun, when he returned home for the night, he would always make dinner for his boys, eat, and play with them before he passed out in his and Soobin’s shared bed. His time with his boys was definitely draining, but also so rewarding at the same time. As long as he had his boys, Yeonjun could brave any storm confidently.
💙
Tuesday comes with a storm. Physically and emotionally.
Beomgyu’s skin started mottling the night before, and rashes formed in various spots on top of that. Beomgyu’s irritability translated into his never-ending crying. The parents' exhaustion translated into the silent tears rolling down their cheeks as Beomgyu cried. And every minute except for when their baby is sleeping, the parents are reminded that their baby is in pain and there’s nothing they can do except console him.
His fever was the worst of his symptoms. Even if his sneezes were cute enough to make Yeonjun want to rip his heart out and serve it on a platter to the boy, it still meant his baby was suffering. The hospital administered the FNASS on Beomgyu four times a day to ensure consistent monitoring. Because of his fever, his score, which was as little as a thirteen on Sunday, increased to an eighteen on Tuesday morning. Just a mere three points away from his original score.
Yeonjun wanted to see his sons so desperately. Together. Not in this god-forsaken room. He wanted them to just be the family they were destined to be. He ached for it in not even a way Beomgyu’s pain could grasp. He so agonizingly wanted to run out of this hospital with his baby in his arms and never return.
Soobin just wanted to sleep a full hour with Beomgyu by his side. He really just wanted to be with his family, but he was patient if nothing else. He wasn’t sure how much longer this ache in his chest would last, but as long as he made it through this night, it would pass and they’d go on living another day.
💙
Yeonjun was currently on his third attempt at getting Beomgyu to finish his first bottle of the day. The boy was irritable and tired, and frankly, they both wanted this to be over with as quickly as possible. It wasn’t Beomgyu’s fault that his sucking reflexes were building themselves as slowly as humanly possible. If he were to blame anyone, he’d blame the person who made Beomgyu like this.
Maybe a part of him did blame her. How could anyone choose to make this boy suffer and instead pump their body with lord knows what for a moment of dopamine? Choose for their child to fight for his life in favor of one more high?
It would’ve been easy for him to resent her even though they had never met. It would’ve been easy to curse the most vicious words in his mind. But it was a disease. He knew that fact all too well. And that made the ache all the more agonizing. He couldn’t blame this situation on anyone. At the end of the day, all it chalked up to was the burden of human weakness and the burning pain of choosing a moment of happiness versus a child’s life.
“Just take it slow, baby. Take all the time you need. Daddy’s going to be right here, forever.” Yeonjun whispered, Beomgyu slowly sucking from the nipple of the bottle as he looked at the man seriously. The sweat from his body was starting to soak Yeonjun’s palm, but the father held his tight, steady grip on the boy nevertheless.
Beomgyu continued to stare at Yeonjun as he ate his breakfast. (More like brunch with the time it took to get through the first two-thirds of the bottle). A tiny trickle of formula fell from his mouth, but Yeonjun didn’t care as long as the majority of it went into Beomgyu’s tiny body.
It took Beomgyu fifty-three minutes to finish the last third of his breakfast. Overall, it took three hours and forty-five minutes to finish his breakfast. That morning had been the shortest time it took Beomgyu to finish his first bottle of the day.
Patience is a virtue.
That’s what Yeonjun reminded himself every time he prepared Beomgyu’s formula. It could’ve been worse; Beomgyu could have not enjoyed the formula. Yeonjun remembers how he had to suffer through six months of that with Kai when the twins were first placed with them; it only stopped when Kai was old enough to drink actual cow’s milk and the boy immediately took a liking to it.
It seemed easy to dissociate when Beomgyu stared at him. It was so incredibly easy for Yeonjun to get lost in his big, round eyes; just like when he first fell in love with Soobin during college and stared at the younger one whenever he wasn’t looking at Yeonjun. He didn’t find it unusual that he had a physical resemblance to Soobin either, especially those big brown eyes full of wonder and life , just like when Yeonjun met Soobin as a freshman and he was so excited to experience everything. The wonder in that pair of eyes had long disappeared by now, but Yeonjun still stared at them all the same– just as though he was a sophomore in college looking at the boy he fell in love with at first sight.
💙
Beomgyu’s fever broke sometime in the early morning on Wednesday during one of the very few minutes Soobin was nodding off to sleep. Soobin cried when he picked the boy up from his bassinet and didn’t have to wipe the sweat off of the boy’s body.
Besides that, Soobin’s psoriasis was starting to act up again. He started suffering through it in college, but it was easily remedied with a medical-grade lotion. But he could no longer rely on that; if he put lotion on there was always the fear of upsetting Beomgyu’s rash, or even possibly exposing him to a chemical reaction, which would set his progress back to square one. Plus, he was tactile with Beomgyu; it was his second nature with the boy. Soobin would much rather take a couple of patches of psoriasis than not touch his son at all.
Yeonjun was overly sweaty. You’d think with him being a dance instructor, he wouldn’t mind that much. But he did mind. Being sweaty and sitting still was one of his worst nightmares. The only soft clothes he had that wouldn’t upset Beomgyu’s skin were fuzzy jackets he’d gotten for Christmas. To remedy this, whenever he wasn’t holding Beomgyu, he would practice the dances he was making for his classes. He took the week off of work, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have a right to devise and practice the dances he was already working on. He really was so thankful for his Hoseok-hyung for being so understanding about his situation; he was such a good person to Yeonjun inside and outside the studio.
After Yeonjun finished his last class for the day, he hesitantly made his way to his Hoseok-hyung’s office. He knocked on the door somewhat guiltily, a slightly sour and serious expression on his face, before opening the door and facing Hoseok.
“Hey, Yeonjun! Did you finish your class for the day? Did you need something?” Hoseok smiled that generally friendly smile of his, inviting Yeonjun to sit in front of his desk with a warm expression.
“Yeah, my class went fine, Hoseok-hyung. Um…I have something I need to ask you for.” Yeonjun fiddled with his fingers, a shy expression on his face as he wasn’t used to asking him for these sorts of things.
“Okay…um, tell me what’s on your mind.” Hoseok smiled hesitantly, leaning his chair closer to his desk.
“I…I need to take next week off.” Yeonjun sighed, a disappointed tone in his voice as he curled into himself.
“Oh. Okay. May…I ask why?” Hoseok immediately understood, folding his hands together and asking with a nonjudgmental tone and soft expression on his face.
“My…youngest son. He’s in the NICU. They’re…treating him for NAS right now.” Yeonjun looked at Hoseok with such a tender, broken-hearted expression that Hoseok felt like crying right there on the spot.
“Oh…Yeonjun. I’m so-”
“I-I have to be there. I-I can’t risk anything happening to him while I’m-” They interrupted each other, the men looking at each other before relaxing and smiling softly. Yeonjun turned serious just as quickly as he relaxed.
“I’m…I’m so scared something’s going to happen to him and I’m not there. I…I can’t bear the thought.” Yeonjun shook his head as he spoke, eyes starting to swell with tears. He was just so exhausted and anticipatory of every moment with Beomgyu.
“Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem here. And…if you need anything, and I mean it, just call me.” Hoseok easily spoke, smiling surely in a way that reassured Yeonjun’s nerves.
“Thank you, Hoseok-hyung. Really. Well, I should get back to the hospital. Jungkook-hyung’s probably going to feed him soon.” Yeonjun smiled, standing up from the chair and slightly bowing.
Hoseok smiled widely, waving from behind his desk as Yeonjun left the room.
They were really lucky to have the friends they had. They were so understanding and gracious through the whole month of Beomgyu’s recovery. They were sure they’d have to plan a welcome home party for Beomgyu when he came home, so they figured it would also be a good time to express their gratitude. But for now, they’d just have to get through these days first.
💙
Thursday feels like the longest day of the year for the parents. Beomgyu barely slept and, as we all know by now, when he wasn’t sleeping his moments were filled with screams and cries.
Nothing could settle him down. The nurse said it was probably a result of the lack of fever, conveying that sometimes babies prefer fevers because it dulls the pain of the withdrawal. And now that his fever was nowhere to be found, his pain was cranked to eleven and nothing could settle the boy.
He couldn’t even finish the first third of his bottle until the late afternoon. It took him the whole day to finish one bottle.
The parents couldn’t help but hyper-fixate on Beomgyu’s recovery. So much of them desperately prayed for this whole ordeal to be over with and Beomgyu would magically be healed.
Soobin’s chest compressed in a way that felt like he would collapse in on himself. As Beomgyu frantically cried himself into a rigor, Soobin felt his heart stop beating, he swore it. He swallowed back the bile rising in his throat, bouncing the boy in his arms despite knowing it wouldn’t help, and instead lifting his head to the ceiling so as not to let the tears brimming in his eyes fall on his baby boy.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, baby.” Soobin sobbed, tears falling as he closed his eyes and continued to look to the ceiling. His arms unconsciously brought the crying boy closer to his stomach, causing the boy to cry louder against his chest; as though he was screaming i’m sorry for hurting so much, Papa. I’m sorry I’m so sick. Please, don’t cry anymore, Papa.
Yeonjun’s body was submerged in waves of tenderness. Beomgyu’s tears only made those waves more restless. He carefully breathed out, an ache spreading across his chest as he closed his eyes and willed the tears brimming in his eyes to not fall. Beomgyu’s screams were growing louder, and Yeonjun felt himself collapsing into himself more and more.
“I…I’m sorry, baby. I wanna take it all away, Gyu. Trust me. All your pain, all your suffering. I wanna take it all away so bad. I’m sorry, Gyu. Daddy’s so sorry, baby.” Yeonjun broke down, an exasperated tone in his words as he held onto the boy for the life of him.
“I’m sorry I’m so useless, Gyu.”
That’s what Yeonjun felt like saying. He almost did, but then he caught himself. If Soobin heard him say that, he would scold the other and slap him lightly on the cheek.
“You’re not. And besides, that’s not what’s important right now.”
That’s what his husband would say. And then he’d gaze at Beomgyu once more, and smile softly, and Yeonjun’s ache would diminish.
But that wasn’t happening, because Yeonjun didn’t say that, and Soobin was at home sleeping, and his ache would never go away until they took Beomgyu home with them.
Thursday is the first-day Beomgyu manages to sleep through the night. Their baby, who was fourteen days old, finally got more than three consecutive hours of sleep. His score stayed at fifteen through the night.
🩵
Friday is a saving grace for the parents. Beomgyu woke up at eight am, as opposed to his normal time of three or four am. When he woke up, he was starving. As Yeonjun prepared his formula, the boy cried for it, something Yeonjun had never witnessed the boy do. He stuck his tiny, frail arms out of his swaddle as he cried, his brown eyes glimmering like jewels, like a tiger’s eyes.
“Okay! Okay! Here you go, baby.” Yeonjun nervously fed the boy the formula, expecting him to drink it slowly, as always.
When Beomgyu began drinking his formula rapidly, sucking on the nipple of the bottle at a speed most babies his age did, Yeonjun’s breath silently caught in his throat as his eyes widened.
“Baby, you’re drinking- you’re drinking it, baby!” Tears instantly swelled in his eyes as Beomgyu continued to drink. He smiled widely, eyes sparkling with unshed tears as euphoria bloomed through his chest.
“That’s it! You’re eating! Ahh, you’re eating so well, baby.” He tilted the bottle up to ease the boy’s sucking ever so slightly.
It took twenty-nine minutes for Beomgyu to finish his breakfast, which was well within the time frame a baby his age should have been sucking on his bottle. And that’s when Yeonjun couldn’t stop crying.
🩵
Friday provided something that had slowly been dwindling in the parents from the beginning of this week. Hope. Although Beomgyu was still the smallest in the NICU, he wasn’t crying every minute he was awake, and the parents considered that a win in their books. No crying meant the suffering was bearable, it meant he was healing, even if he was just creeping up to that threshold.
The weekend felt like that to the parents as well. Their hope poured out of their bodies and into Beomgyu’s. It seemed to translate well with the boy. His score diminished from a fifteen on Thursday to a twelve on Saturday. He still had a long way to go, but it was progress nonetheless. And both of his fathers would be by his side through it all. Through all the restless nights, through all the inconsolable cries, through even the peace of sleep that enveloped Beomgyu. And despite the fact he would never know the sacrifices they made for his comfort, their love for him would remain till the end of their days.
Fin