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* * *
Tongue piercing (Dean)
Sam knew he couldn’t hide the modifications he had done while at Stanford. He knew that at some point at least his brother would come back into his life and notice the small tattoo behind his right ear, the piercings in his ears, and the tongue ring. He planned on hiding them, not that he was ashamed to have them—he never regretted getting any of them done—but he didn’t know how Dean would react at first; probably an endless amount of teasing and if his Dad found out, displeasure.
And he thought it’d take longer for Dean to notice but it was hardly the next day after they got back together in the wake of four years of being separated. His older brother lowered the volume of his music to say, “Dude, you got a tongue ring?”
Sam paused, and the clink of the metal against his teeth stopped. He had grown used to playing with his piercing, especially when he was lost in thought. He couldn’t figure out what to say.
“When did you do that?” Dean continued.
Sam shrugs. “Year and a half ago,” he said honestly.
Dean snickered. “So you did do something other than study. You get drunk or something?”
“No. I choose to have it done,” he said proudly.
“Come on, Sammy, open, let me see it.” Sam debated then stuck his tongue out at his brother. He was only wearing his basic black metal ball.
Dean grinned. “Must be great for that girl you go down on, huh?”
Sam’s face flushed, but he gave his brother a bitchface. “Don’t be gross, Dean! I didn’t get it for sexual purposes. Plus, that’s none of your business.”
“Then why did you get it?”
Sam shrugs again. “It was interesting and I just wanted to and anyway focus on the damn road.”
* * *
Butterfly Tattoo (Dean)
Sam rubbed at his head to soothe the ache where the ghost had yanked. “Oh, I nearly forgot!” Dean said.
Sam looked over at him moodily. “What?”
“You got a tattoo, right here,” Dean says gesturing to the back of his right ear. “I hadn’t noticed it until that bitch nearly pulled all your hair out of your skull today. What is it? You obviously got it back during Stanford, right?”
Sam ducks his head. It still hurt to think about the three watercolor butterflies that he got done with Jess— for Jess. She had picked it out and Sam was happy to get it done because he wanted a symbol of her on his body. He had it done three weeks before she died.
“Sam?”
“Leave me alone,” Sam snapped. “It’s none of your damn business.” He got up and left the motel, slamming the door. He knew he shouldn’t be so angry at Dean about it. He was just curious and for all Sam knew Dean didn’t have a tattoo. After walking aimlessly around for two hours he returned and apologized to Dean, but still refused to show or tell him about it and Dean didn’t push.
* * *
Tongue, ear piercings, and tattoo (Castiel); ear piercings (Dean)
Sam looked up from his book as he felt eyes on him. He startles at Dean’s angel staring intently at him. “Uh, hi, Castiel,” he says awkwardly.
“Jesus, Cas, how damn long have you been standing there!” Dean snapped.
“Hello, Dean, Sam. Not long,” he answers Dean but turns back to face Sam, tilting his head. “What is that?”
“What is what?”
“The thing… in your mouth. You keep clicking it against your teeth.” Dean snorts and goes back to… whatever the hell he’s doing on Sam’s laptop. God, Sam hoped it wasn’t more anime porn.
“Uh… it’s a tongue ring,” Sam says blushing. He rubs his neck awkwardly, did God or the angels have something against body modifications like tattoos and piercings?
“A tongue ring?” The angel walked over curiously. “What is the point of having this ring on your tongue?”
“Well, I mean, it can be a ring but mine’s a ball.” He stuck his tongue out to show Castiel, who looked intrigued. “There really isn’t a purpose for it, except, you know, accessorizing or expressing yourself. Although there used to be a lot of religious symbolism in tongue piercings like in the Aztec and Mayan cultures.”
Cas nods. “I remember that it was a ritual to honor their gods… Are the piercings in your ears also self-expression?”
Sam blushes darker, Dean chokes and looks up from the laptop. “You, uh, you noticed that?” Sam brought his hand up self-consciously to touch the industrial and helix holes in his left ear.
“Yes. As well as the tattoo there as well.” Sam tenses. Castiel looks a bit concerned, looking back and forth between him and Dean. “Did-did I say something wrong?”
“No,” Sam croaks, tugging his hair to hide the tattoo. “No, you didn’t say anything wrong, just… I, uh… I’m gonna go get a drink from the soda machine.” He hoped Dean would explain to Cas that it wasn’t his fault Sam’s still too pathetic and sensitive about the tat.
* * *
It was so much later when he told and properly showed Castiel his tattoo behind his ear. It was well after they started dating, which still continued to baffle and surprise Sam.
He hadn’t known why he mentioned it at that moment. He and Cas were sitting pleasantly in the library in the bunker, despite the quiet between them.
“I wanted something of her on me at all times,” Sam had blurted. Cas looked up from his book and tilted his head slightly in confusion.
“What?”
Sam blushes and falters. “I, uh, er, my, uh… the tattoo. The butterflies behind my ear. J-Jess, uh… sorry.” He ducks his head, he shouldn’t have said anything. Cas was his current boyfriend and here he was talking about an ex.
Castiel waved it away. “No need to apologize, Sam. I would like to listen if you feel comfortable enough to tell me now.”
Sam clears his throat. “Uh, I, um, dad had a, uh, a tattoo, well he had several, but there was one on his arm for-for my mom. I liked the idea that he got that for her after… so I, uh… I really loved Jess and I wanted to get one for her. We talked about it and she… she laughed at me,” Sam snorted, remembering it. “And called me a love-sick dufus but she went right to her computer and started looking up tattoos and searched for something she liked. She-she liked butterflies, she hated bugs but she loved butterflies. We didn’t want words or names. It was clichéd and although we loved each other we didn’t want to chance it that we would break up in the future but still continued to carry around the tattoo, you know?”
“That’s very sweet, Sam.” Cas smiled at him. “May I look at it?” Sam gulped but nodded and the angel got up and went around the table slowly as if giving Sam time to back out of it if he wanted. Castiel was always considerate like that.
Sam held his hair away to let Cas look at it. The angel’s fingers brushed delicately at the blue, orange, and pink watercolor butterflies. “It’s beautiful, Sam,” he said, skimming his thumb over it causing Sam to shiver. He bent down and kissed each insect. “Very beautiful.”
Sam huffed a laugh, his shoulders trembled and he ended up sobbing in Cas’ arms.
* * *
Free-BEE
Sam knows the way he thinks is partially fucked up, but he can’t get over the fact that he’s cursed somehow, that his love somehow kills people. There are many examples to show for it too; starting with his own mother when he was only six months old. Jess, for another. His father, his brother, Bobby, a few loves, and now… Castiel.
A long time ago Dean had once joked about it, unknown to him how Sam was so aware of his curse, that since Cas was an angel, since he was built strong and was hard to kill, that he was the perfect candidate for Sam’s unfortunate love life.
Now the curse caught up, and the angel was gone and Sam couldn’t help but feel it was all his fault. He can’t help but hate himself and the way he thinks and plans, because mostly he blames himself for the reason for Cas' death because merely a week before Cas died, Sam was going to bring up getting a tattoo just for the angel, much like he did with Jessica. He should have just ended the thought right there considering how well that worked out for Jess. He had gotten anxious about it, and had put it off. And now there was no way to talk to Cas about it.
It haunted him, day and night. Should he have brought it up? Should he have erased it from his mind the second it entered it? There was no way to tell now. There was no point in dwelling over it, considering Sam’s curse can’t hurt what’s already gone.
So Sam, suffocating in guilt and sorrow, decided to follow through with his fatal thoughts. He owed Castiel it because he was quite possibly the thing that killed him.
* * *
Dean was drinking in the library, sick to his stomach with worry when he found out Sam had snuck out of the bunker at some point. He had immediately bombarded Sam with texts and calls to find out where he had gone.
Sam texted him back merely stating he wasn’t doing anything stupid, that he was safe, and would be back in a few hours and not to worry.
Dean scowled into his glass at the thought, he was Dean fricken’ Winchester of course he was going to worry about his little brother! Getting hurt, or worse, is never damned planned, it happens suddenly and out of nowhere. Whether by monsters, freak accidents, crazy people, or because of the damn weather. So fricken’ sue him for worrying!
At the sound of the bunker door, Dean blew out a breath. He met Sam at the bottom of the steps. “Sam, where’ve you been?”
“I told you.”
“You actually left that part out.”
“Guess it’s none of your business then.” Sam heads toward the bedrooms, and Dean notices a bandage behind Sam’s left ear.
“Sam! What happened? How’d that happen?!” Dean rushed to his brother and reached out to move his hair out of the way, ready to peel back the tape and assess the damage.
Except Sam slaps his hands away, a wild look in his eyes. “Don’t!” he snarled.
“Sam?”
Without another word his brother disappeared into the hallway to hide in his room, much like he has been doing since Cas died, leaving Dean worried.
* * *
Sam was looking at his new tattoo in the mirror. It was healing nicely and the art was very beautiful, but Sam frowned at it. It was just another mark to show his love kills people.
He turned at the knock on his door frame, he hadn’t bothered to shut his door with Dean checking in on him so often. Dean gave him a small, sad smile. “Lunch is done if you’re up for it.” Sam just turns back to the mirror. He can see Dean shift awkwardly in the doorway. “I, um… can I see? Your new tattoo. I mean, uh, that is if you want to show me? I get it if you want to keep it to yourself.”
Sam swallows around the lump in his throat that seems to never go away now. He turns his back toward his brother and tugs his hair away silently. Dean moves closer to get a better look at the watercolored honeycomb with three little bees. “It looks good, Sammy. Real good. Does it hurt? It’s a bit red.”
Sam didn’t know where it came from but he choked on a sob that rattled his entire body and broke the dam of grief he was holding back. He nods his head. “It hurts,” he gasps, “It hurts so fucking much!” He’s not entirely sure if he’s talking about the tattoo anymore, and wonders if his brother even knew.
“It’s okay, little brother,” Dean says quietly, pulling him in. Sam clutches onto Dean like he’s the lifeboat that he always has been for him. Dean squeezes him tightly and rubs his back. His fingers grazed another tattoo he had gotten done when Dean and Cas disappeared to Purgatory. It was an inch above the knife wound that ended his life decades ago and caused his brother to go to Hell.
“It’s alright, Sammy. I got you. It’s okay, just let it out, little brother.”
“I-I wish he was here. I want to show him,” Sam sobbed.
“He would have loved it, man. I know he would have. Christ, remember how he fucking wandered off and followed a bee and we had to chase after him for several hours?”
Sam laughed wetly and nodded. “He was so confused about why we were chasing him. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just walk across people's backyards and into the streets.” He pulls slightly away from his brother and looks into his green eyes. He wants to show Dean’s tattoo to Dean now. To show him how much he loved him and appreciated how he was here now. To show him before his curse came back around for Dean. “I have one for you too.”
Dean is startled at that. “A-a tattoo? For-for me?”
Sam nods and pulls away farther to turn and lift up his shirt to expose the replica of Dean’s Colt and the amulet Sam had given him wrapped around it. Above it, it read: My Brother. And underneath continued to say: My Hero. Dean chokes up too. “God, Sammy, w-when did you get this?” He felt his brother’s fingers hover above the scar that seemed to forever stay on his body even after several revivals.
“Purgatory.”
“W-what? When I was in purgatory?” Sam nods. “Jesus, Sam, I… man, I got after you for not caring and you-you…”
Sam laughed. “This one I actually got done while I was drunk. I was hungover and in so much pain when I hit Riot.”
“The dog?”
“Yeah.”
“Jesus, Sam, why didn’t you tell me this? I was such an asshole to you the whole time cause I thought you just abandoned me.”
“But I did.”
“No, Christ, Sam, no. You were grieving and you lost everyone. I would have been out of my mind.”
“But you would also have searched forever and found a way. I just… gave up.”
Dean pulled him into his arms again. “We’ll find a way to get him back, Sammy.” He pulls away slightly to look at Sam’s pale face, in his glassy, heavily bagged eyes. “But you gotta start taking better care of yourself, man. You gotta start eating, you gotta sleep. You gotta get out of your room, outta bed, I know it’s difficult and you miss him, but he wouldn’t want this for you, Sam. He would want you to keep going.”
Sam nods as tears roll down his cheeks. “I know, I know he would, but I just… I feel so… I’m so tired, Dean, why does… Why does everyone around me die? Why am I cursed?”
“What are you talking about, Sam? You’re not cursed.”
“Yes, I am! Everyone around me dies, everyone I love. First Mom, then Jess, Madison, Dad, Bobby, Sarah, you—multiple times, and now Cas is gone, again. And I can keep going, Dean, so yes, I am cursed! What am I going to do when it comes back around for you?”
Dean cupped his cheek. “You keep living, okay? I’ll want you to keep living, and you kick that so-called curse in the ass and show it who it’s really dealing with.”
* * *
Sam thinks he’s going to get whiplash from the emotional roller coaster when Cas is suddenly back. He supposes he shouldn’t be too surprised considering Winchesters don’t typically stay dead and Cas had been revived twice before at least that he is aware of.
He followed the angel around like he was the pied piper, never letting him out of sight. He was pretty sure Cas and Dean were fully aware of this; Cas indulged him, holding his hand and stroking his face, while Dean was kind enough to keep his mouth shut.
“So, hey, have you shown him yet?” Dean smiles, scratching just below his left ear as a hint to what he is talking about.
Sam blushes. “N-no, not yet.”
“Show me what?” Cas wanders looking between the brothers, his thumb caressing Sam’s hand.
“What? But you got it for him!” Dean exclaims. “I demand you show him right now!”
“Sam?”
“Cas, I, uh, I got, um…” Sam felt foolish now but he turned slightly and pulled his hair away to show his boyfriend the watercolor honeycomb and the bees. He hears Cas inhale a small gasp.
“Sam,” he whispers. “That’s—it’s—”
“It’s great, isn’t it?” Dean grins like a proud father. Sam snorts because Dean hadn’t had any part in it.
“No, it’s more than great, it’s—it’s beautiful, Sam! You-you got this for me?” Sam’s eyes flooded. “Sam?”
Sam sobbed then lunged at the angel, wrapping his arms around him tightly. It was the third time today he cried in his arms. “Of course, I got it for you! You-you brilliant, loyal, gentle, magnificent angel!”
Cas raises his brows in amusement and Dean snickers. “I love you too, my treasure,” he says, pulling him in tighter.
“I’m so fucking glad you’re a Winchester! We just don’t seem to stay dead!” He’s pretty sure he’s said that before, but he didn’t care, he was so fucking glad Cas was alive.
“As am I ,” he sighs, kissing Sam’s forehead. “All I was thinking about was getting back to you, love. Annoying the being from the Empty was the very least I could do.”
Dean snorted. “Putting the ass in Cass.”
Castiel gives Dean an unamused look, while it causes a laugh from Sam.
* * *
That night Castiel held Sam close and stroked the bees gently as Sam curled into his side.
“I showed Dean his tattoo,” he mumbled sleepily.
“You did? That’s wonderful, what did he say? He liked it, didn’t he?”
Sam nodded. “Don’t tell him I told you, but he cried.”
“I told you he was going to love it. They’re beautiful, Sam, all of them. You are beautiful, all of you.”