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“see you later,” jecka said as she finished getting dressed. nicole didn’t even get the chance to say it back before the door slammed on her, jecka’s footsteps getting quieter and quieter. left alone in this shitty photography room with a bunch of shitty photographs, nicole fell to the ground and sighed, tired out of her fucking mind.
ever since nicole ate jecka out in her room, they kept doing it, adding it into their friends-with-benefits routine. it was a little more messy, sure, but fuck, nicole would be a lying piece of shit if she didn’t find it hot as hell. getting to see jecka all disheveled and needy from just her touch was something nicole took extreme pride in, burning the image into her mind.
but as good as it felt, their actions only added fuel to the fire that is nicole’s heart, bringing her more heartache than pleasure. after the first time, she realized that she couldn’t keep running away from the truth, that she was truly, madly in love with jecka. knowing it still bothered her, but coming to terms with it was less terrifying and soul-crushing than she thought it’d be.
of course, there was still one thing that bothered her more than she wanted to face: “nicole, what the hell are we doing?”
what did she mean by that? the eating out? the whole friends-with-benefits thing to begin with? nicole ransacked her mind for an answer, trying read jecka’s in the process. but every second spent wasted on trying to single-handedly solve all of this, the more she felt herself slowly going crazy.
what did any of this mean? what could any of this mean? nicole didn’t know, all she did was that she didn’t want to hurt jecka, to lose her and treat her like a random nobody in the halls. sure, the sexual gratification was great, but nicole wanted to hold her too, to kiss her forehead as their hands perfectly intertwined with one another’s.
but was that something jecka also wanted? was that even possible? again, nicole didn’t know. true love wasn’t something she believed in, and neither was love as a whole. her parents divorced, her dad killed himself, her mom is too desperate for a husband to keep one, and her brother’s a pedophile. love wasn’t made for her; she wasn’t made for love.
and it wasn’t like meeting jecka changed nicole’s whole perspective on love. it was still the same shitty feeling that’s been haunting her since she was born. it hated her guts, and nicole hated it too. love was never going to be beautiful in her eyes, but jecka always will be, and in a sense, love felt incomplete and wrong without her.
loving her wasn’t easy at all, it was actually one of the hardest things nicole’s ever done and had to admit to. jecka was the thorn in her side, the salt in her wound, and everything horrible in the world. there wasn’t anything good or fulfilling that was going to come out of this, and nicole knew that pursuing this would only ruin her life more than she already has.
but that doesn’t stop nicole from wanting it, from wishing that they could have each other at least in some capacity. and maybe from what they were doing almost everyday, nicole already had her. but was this how she wanted to? to have jecka like some sex buddy with no feelings attached? it was already too late for that, might as well double down and ask for more.
but that was easier said than done. their relationship was strained enough, nicole didn’t want to be the one to break it. but deep down, she knew she had to. nicole wanted jecka the same way the stars complimented the moon, gentle and fair, kind and soft. she wanted there to be love, not lust; she wanted jecka, and it was killing her.
but that’s just how love is, right? as long as it was with jecka, nicole didn’t care what love was like. if it was with her, then it was everything nicole could ever ask for.
-
at nicole’s house once again, nicole found herself on her knees again, licking the inside of jecka’s pussy as she moaned and groaned. guttural and low, high and whiny, nicole drank all of it in. she may have said that she didn’t want jecka just like this, but that didn’t mean that she still couldn’t find it insanely hot.
it wasn’t long before jecka reached her climax, orgasming all over nicole’s face. normally, she would’ve made some shitty joke about jecka’s pussy being like a waterpark, but this was different, it was going to be different. wiping the fluids off her face, nicole took a deep breath. she could do this, she had to do this.
“jecka,” nicole called out, trying to stop her heart from jumping out of her chest.
“yeah?” jecka responded, cleaning herself up.
nicole took one last deep breath. “what the hell are we doing?”
jecka froze, her breath hitching as she looked everywhere but at nicole.
composing herself, jecka wore her usual annoyed-looking expression, coming off as nonchalant as ever. but nicole knew her better than that.
“whatever you want us to be doing,” jecka answered, cool and collected. her eyes were bleak and void of any light, like she truly couldn’t care less about this.
but if that were true, why’d she ask that exact same question in the first place? if it was true, she would make some snide remark about nicole being a hypocrite. she’d swear and curse, comparing nicole to some clinically insane and clingy ex-boyfriend. she’d say some morally-gray shit that nicole would probably reciprocate.
but jecka didn’t do any of those things. she just spoke, she just said things, she just let words that didn’t mean anything or reflect her true feelings spill out of her mouth. that wasn’t the jecka nicole knew, and she knew that it was her fault. all of this was, and so were these cursed feelings of her’s.
“why are you doing this with me?” nicole pushed further. she knew there was something more than this, she knew that jecka had more to say, more to tell behind her sad amber eyes that nicole wished to see herself in again. she didn’t know what answer she was looking for from jecka, but anything that wasn’t this weak, bland shit was good enough for her.
“because guys suck at doing literally anything and i would rather kill myself than let a man even touch me the way you do.” jecka scoffed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. and maybe it was, but there was more to it than that.
nicole sighed. “that was the beginning. what about now? why are you still doing this with me?”
color draining from her face, nicole watched as she broke through jecka’s barrier, coming undone as fear and uncertainty replaced the frigid look in her eyes.
“because that point still stands, men are fucking gross,” jecka groused, putting up a front again. she stood up, trying to leave only for nicole to grab her hand, begging her not to go.
so she didn't. she stood unmoving with nicole still holding her hand. she stayed, and maybe against her better judgment, but jecka stayed, she stayed because nicole asked her to.
“...because i don’t know what else i’m supposed to do.” jecka doesn’t cry. she’s a stone-cold bitch who has better things to do than shed a few tears.
and that same logic applied for right now; except jecka cries in her own way, spilling her heart out, open for display and to be messed with. her feelings weren’t meant to be taken seriously, only something to be toyed with and used. she’s never looked more vulnerable than she did now, and nicole was going to love her because of it.
“what do you want to do? or at least, what do you think you want to do?” soft and quiet, nicole reached up, wiping a non-existent tear away. she knew that there was nothing there, she just wanted to hold jecka’s face with nothing but love on her fingertips. she hoped jecka felt it.
“i want to kiss you,” jecka said, shy and pleading. it both hurt and healed nicole to hear it.
“ok,” nicole said breathlessly, “ok, i’ll kiss you then.”
she didn’t know why she felt the need to answer it, to announce her actions before doing them. maybe it was because she just wanted to fill the silence. or maybe she just started talking and couldn’t stop herself.
or maybe it was because she knew jecka needed the reassurance, the safe feeling that lingered in her words and followed through her kiss.
straining her neck up, nicole savored jecka’s taste, but not in the usual desperate and needy manner. she took her time, a gentle reminder that she was here, that jecka had nothing to worry about. slowly memorizing all of her so she could do it again, nicole prayed that she could do it again. she wanted to love her properly, but would jecka let her?
they parted ways to find each other wanting more, their eyes reflecting their true desires. but as much as nicole wanted to kiss her again, she waited, tearing her eyes away from her.
“can i just… have you?” nicole asked, pleading and begging. “i don’t need to have sex, i don’t need to let out my sexual frustration or whatever it was that made us start this.”
taking all her courage, nicole looked up at jecka, her pathetic expression clear as day in her eyes. it was sad and pitiful, but it had to be or else it would be nothing.
“i just want to be with you, jecka,” nicole said ever-so softly, crying in her own way. “i just want to love you. please let me.”
at first, jecka didn’t respond, and nicole almost looked away again, her heart shattering into a million pieces. it’s been broken, but she would’ve hoped that it was going to jecka to put it back together. she should’ve known better than to have thought that her feelings were going to be reciprocated; or maybe she didn’t.
“it’s gonna hurt, you know,” jecka said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. and maybe it was, but there was more to it than that.
“i know,” nicole replied, pressing her forehead against jecka’s torso. “i know it is, i know that better than anyone.”
hesitant, jecka ran her hand through nicole’s hair, smoothing it out. nicole wished she could see what kind of expression she was wearing right now.
“...then why do it at all?” jecka asked, but it seemed like she already knew the answer. if she didn’t, why was she still here, trying her best to love nicole like they were made for it?
lifting her head up, nicole took jecka’s hand off her head and pressed her palm to her lips, her eyes never leaving jecka’s. letting her kiss linger, nicole moved jecka’s hand down, encapsulating it with her own.
“because you’re worth it. because i don’t care. because i want to.”
standing up, nicole closed the distance between them, wanting to feel jecka’s lips on hers again. and jecka let her, even wanting it herself. it was bittersweet, full of dread, and fearful as ever; but above all, it was theirs, it was a future they were going to make together, through the pain and all. nicole would suffer through it in every lifetime if it meant she could be with jecka.
moving away, nicole felt as breathless as she did the first time. “you’re the only god i want to worship, so please, jecka, let me. hurt me if you need to, it’ll be ok.”
it was clear that jecka wanted the same thing, wanting it more than anything she’s ever wanted in her entire life.
but how could she be so sure that everything would be ok? “i can’t promise you that anything good will come out of this.”
closing her eyes, nicole pressed her forehead against jecka’s, quietly yearning for it all. “i don’t need it to, i just need you.”
neither of them said a word after that, and they didn’t need to; they just needed each other.