Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You ever get that feeling that the universe is out to get you? Like no matter what you do the universe is just gonna say “No” and then make something terrible happen to you for even thinking you could do anything good?

No? Lucky you.

I say this cause for the past couple months I’ve been punched, stabbed, kicked in the balls on multiple occasions, blackmailed, been accused of things I’ve never done, and almost eaten alive…twice!

So yeah, not the best couple of months. So you can see why I think the universe has decided that I’m it’s punching bag.

You know what, before I go any further as to why the universe sucks, I should probably introduce myself.

The names Chris “Joker” Sullivan, and I’ve been trapped on the world of Remnat for who knows how long now.

Now I know what your all thinking something along the lines of:

“No way! You get to be a Hunter!”

“You get to meet all the Main Characters and be their bestest friends with them!”

“You can stop Volume III from happening!”  

Now let it be known that all of that is complete and utter bull. I don’t know what kind of fanfiction you all have been reading, but news flash people! No one from good old Earth would survive a day here if they weren’t born here!

I mean seriously, unless you were from the military or apart of some sort of secret government project, you’d be eaten alive by the first Grimm you saw! Don’t even get me started on how unlikely it is to get excepted into Beacon unless you forged your transcript, and we all know how well that’ll go thanks to a certain blond knight.

So yeah, being stuck in a world infested with plenty of monsters and people who are out to kill you is not fun. So that’s why the first thing I thought when I woke up in some random alleyway, besides the usual “what happened” and “did I get mugged again”, and saw that the moon was cracked was,

Oh hell no!

I then proceeded to run around the ally like a headless chicken screaming my head off. Not the most rational moment of my life, but when you get teleported from your room while watching t.v to some random alleyway with the moon cracked in half your allowed to have some freak out time.

Anyway, after I calmed down I decided that the first thing I should do was to retrace my steps on how this happened. As I said before, I was just watching t.v when out of nowhere there was this blinding light. Next thing I know I’m in an alley in Remnat.

After that not so helpful recount, I decided that the next best thing to do was to avoid the main characters and the plot as if they were zombies and I was a tasty, juicy, living brain during the apocalypse.

…

What?

…

Oh! Your probably confused as to why I’d want to avoid the main characters and the plot right? Well besides the obvious reason of not being helpful at all since I can’t fight for the life of me, there is another quite obvious reason as to why I should avoid them.

The reason why you ask? Why because of the Butterfly Effect of course! You know, the theory that if we were to travel back in time and step on a butterfly we would cause mass changes in the future.

 I never really believed in that theory back on Earth, but I figured that since I’m on a world where people have natural shield generators in their bodies, monsters with no souls walk the earth, and fairy tales tend out to be the truth half the time, that it wouldn’t be too bad of an idea to play it safe and not do anything that can mess up the timeline.

I mean for all I know my presence here could have already messed up the plot enough, so there’s no way I’m taking a bigger chance of messing it up by involving myself in the lives of the main characters and the plot. Who knows, I could make Volume III be ten times as worse than it already is if I so much as talk to the main characters! So yeah, not taking any chances there.

After that I decided to take a check-up to see what I had on me, which wasn’t much to be honest. All I had on me was my wallet, a pair of aviators, and some gum. Besides that, I had nothing. I was still wearing what I had on me when that bright light happened, a normal pair of jeans, an orange zip-up hoody, and a Red vs. Blue t-shirt. I know it’s ironic but if I knew this was gonna happen I would have worn a different shirt.

Anyway, after that inventory check, I decided to look around the area, see if I could get a grasp on where and when I was at. I mean I knew I was in RWBY, but where and when in RWBY was what really mattered. For all I knew I was in Atlas 10 years into the future of the show.

Thankfully after a few hours of walking around and asking some of the locals (the less said about those conversations, the better) I figured out where I was.

I was sadly in Vale, a few months before the Vytal Festival. From there I assumed that it was a few months before Volume I. Bad for me since it meant I was in the main location for the plot. So that meant that I had to be extra careful when it came to avoiding the plot and characters.

Anyway, after I found out where and when I was, I decided to see if I could find a job. I knew the chances of me finding a way home were slim, so I figured I might as well make a living while I was stuck here, except I realized one huge problem during my search for a job.

My identity. Now I’m not saying I had amnesia when I first woke up here, that would be way to cliché. No, the problem was that I didn’t exist here. No background information, no birth certificate, no nothing. If I were to try and get a job now it would bring up problems, problems that would attract unwanted attention from the law.

So with that I decided to head to the less lawful side of Vale to see if I couldn’t find someone to forge me an identity. Considering I had no idea as to who to look for I decided to go to the best info broker I knew, Hei “Junior” Xiong.

Now before you all go on a rant about how I was going to meet a character that is in the show after I just made a huge deal about making sure I never ran into a character, let me explain. You see my reasoning back then was that since he wasn’t that big of a character, it wouldn’t cause too much trouble to the timeline. Maybe a few extra henchmen for Yang to beat up, but that’s it.

Besides, it’s not like getting information from him would lead me to meeting any of the main antagonists, right?

Oh how wrong I was, but that’s a story for another day.

So after managing to somehow convince him that a penny is some super rare material and worth a lot of lien. Don’t ask me how he bought it, or why his face looked like he just struck gold, all I know is that I must have gotten really lucky. That or he was really drunk considering how much his breath smelled of alcohol.

After our exchange he set up a meeting between me and one of the best forgers in Vale. We met up at some run down factory a few miles away from Junior’s place. The dude was covered head to toe in black and was wearing a mask, so I had no clue as to who he was.

Now the deal itself was simple. He’d make me a fake identity, with background information and a birth certificate, and in exchange I would have to owe him a favor. Now this may sound ridiculous, but I tried to negotiate using my pennies. Yeah, no luck there. Apparently I really was just plain lucky when I talked with Junior, not that I’m complaining or anything. The guy, however, laughed off my poor attempt of bluffing and said how he’d usually get rid of people who tried to rip him off, but since he was having such a good day he’d let it slide and decided to throw me a bone.

To this day I don’t know if I should consider that as lucky as all hell or a sign of bad things to come. But considering I now know who that dude was, I’m starting to lean towards the latter option.

So, a few days later I had my fake papers and was ready to make a living. So I got a job at a dust shop, but not From Dust Till Dawn mind you, that’s a sure-fire way of getting involved in the plot if only for a little bit. So for the next couple of months’ things were good. I was making a decent amount of lien and I almost had enough to buy an apartment.

…Yeah I may or may not have been living in a cardboard box for the while, but that’s beside the point. Like I said things were good…until a certain red hood wearing Huntress walked into the shop. Now that’s where this whole story started.

How my whole plan to “avoid the main characters and the plot like the plague” got thrown out the window like last week’s tuna.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Now the day my whole plan went down the drain started out as a normal day. Woke up from my cramped little box in an alley. Checked all my pockets to see if I was robbed in my sleep and then headed to a nearby gym for a shower.

A shower, by the way, that takes ten times as long to do since I usually smell like alleyway trash.

On my way to my shower I would usually get yelled at by some passerby who didn’t know how to mind their own business. I would then get into a shouting match with said passerby which usually ended with me running for my life because some random thing they were holding turned out to be a weapon.

I’m serious. For some strange reason (probably the Grimm now that I think about it) everyone in this stinking world has some sort of weapon on them. I remember this one time I saw an old lady pushing a shopping cart full of food in the red-light district (the part of town where all the less law abiding citizens live). These guys dressed up in stereotypical thug clothes tried to rob her, but boy where they in a shock when she pulled out a god freaking tommy gun out of her cart.

Let’s just say I’ve learned to be very careful when it comes to walking around the streets. I mean that doesn’t stop me from getting into a shouting match with random strangers, but I know better than to go through with any threats.

Anyway I’m getting off track here. After my shower I would put on some cloths that I’d stash nearby since I couldn’t exactly keep a bunch of clothes with me in a box, unless of course I wanted them to get stolen.

I think I was wearing the clothes I had on me when I first appeared on Remnat, minus my Red vs. Blue t-shirt. Instead I had a plain black t-shirt with a Pokeball on it.

Oh yeah! Apparently Remnat has a lot of the stuff we have on Earth. Entertainment wise at least, as advance technology tends to make stuff from our world not exist. And get this, apparently Atlas is where the consoles from our world come from.

I don’t get it either, but I just assume that since they are the most technology advanced in Remnat that that’s the reason why they invented video games.   

Anyway, off topic again. Sorry about that, I tend to ramble…a lot. But still, after getting changed I still had a good couple of hours before I had to go to work so I decided to stop by a nearby library. I had figured that it would be a pretty good idea to know as much as I could about the history of Remnat, current and past, so that I wouldn’t look dumb by saying something that had or hadn’t happened or has happened.

After a few hours of reading I would head off to my job, part-time worker at Ye Olden Dust Shop.

Strange name I know, but it was the nicest shop I could find that was hiring. It’s on the border between the red-light and the more lawful side of town. Strange placing for a dust shop I know, but you can blame my boss Old Man Fuller for that.

You’re wondering why I call him Old Man Fuller huh? Well he’s old and his name is Fuller so…yeah. I’m not the best at making nicknames for people okay!

Ahem…anyway,

I guess the best way to describe my boss is…well…you know that cool grandfather all families have? The one that is surprisingly active for someone their age and has muscles that haven’t gotten weaker due to old age. Yet at the same time you would never introduce your friends or significant other to cause they’d just think he’s weird. That’s Old Man Fuller.

He’s owned the shop for a very long time, apparently this place has been owned by his family for generations now. It’s also tradition, apparently, to hire random ‘hobos’ (I’m not a hobo dang it! I just so happen to live in a box and be really low on funds is all!) off the street to work at the shop with low pay that could be considered forced labor.

…

Yeah I don’t buy it either, but I’m not gonna complain. As far as I’m concerned he only hired me cause I looked old enough and was desperate enough for any kind of pay. But as much as I complain about the low pay and the labor, he’s still a pretty cool guy. He lets me spend the night at the shop when it starts to downpour and lets me use his fridge he keeps in the shop (for some reason) to store all my food. 

Overall a pretty good guy, if a bit eccentric. If there’s one bad thing I can think about him is that he makes very poor decisions when it comes to his shop. I don’t mean like how he spends the money he gets or anything like that, I mean with how he displays his products. For some strange reason he’s got an obsession with having the dust be stacked on top of each other pyramid style and by the same type of dust.

Which leads me to what I was doing at work that day. Old Man Fuller had just gotten a new shipment of highly explosive fire dust. So it was my job to get them on display, and thankfully they were sealed in clear cylinder containers so it would be easy to stack them.

While stacking them, I had gotten into The Zone. You know that feeling you get when you focus really hard on something and you tend to ignore or barely notice your surroundings cause you’re so focused on what you’re doing? That’s The Zone, and boy did I get into it way too often for my job.

It was for my own safety rather than anything else. I know just how explosive dust can be, and how easy it is to set it off. May I remind you all how Ruby set off a whole load of dust just by sneezing? So you can see why I would go into The Zone every time I had to handle this stuff.

Plus I’d read up on all things dust related when I got this job. I figured it’d save my life if I knew what I was doing with the dust. There are some things that the show failed to mention about it. Like how if you mix dust the wrong way you can create an explosion that’ll wipe out a city block, or how if you consume gravity dust somehow all your internal organs go into your legs from the pressure of the dust!

Yeah…dust is a really scary thing. It’s why I was so against Old Man Fuller’s ways of stacking them for display. All it would take is someone accidentally knocking down a pyramid and then BOOM! No more shop…or the next few blocks either. But apparently, it’s tradition or something like that to stack them and he’s dead set on keeping his ways.

Thanks to his old ways I’d almost died via dust explosion at least eight different times! If it weren’t for the fact that he was paying me I swear I would have left a long time ago.

Anyway, back to that fateful day. I was stacking dust, in the Zone and all that, when I barely registered the door opening behind me with a chime of a little bell the old man had put up.

Now trust me if I had known who exactly walked through that door, I would have booked it out of that shop as fast as possible. But sadly I was too into the Zone to bother looking behind, I did however give the customary greeting while lazily waving my hand behind me to get whoever had entered my location as I said,

“Welcome to Ye Olden Dust Shop. Supplying dust to Hunters and Huntresses since you were a baby. How may I help you today?”

I had heard an adorable little “eep” sound come from behind me before hearing some footsteps come my way. Soon whoever had entered was right behind me…and was not saying anything. After a few minutes I had sighed in annoyance before saying,

“Look buddy, I’m kinda busy trying not to blow up the next couple blocks. So could ya kindly tell me what you need so I can keep my focus?”

Mean? Yes, but I couldn’t afford to get out of the Zone unless I had wanted to take out a few blocks, so I had figured that getting straight to the point would get whoever was here out fast so I could focus more. Or get them to leave due to my attitude, whichever worked at the time.

It took a few more minutes before whoever was stuttering to finally calm down enough to speak their mind as they said,

“Um…I was wondering if you could tell me about how dust works? I have this huge test coming up you know and my sister is too busy hanging out with her friends and my uncle is handling detention at my school and he has my scroll so I can’t just look it u-“

At this point I should have recognized her voice, but I was too annoyed at her rambling and too into the Zone to really care as I kindly interrupted her,

“Okay okay, jeeze lady no reason to tell me your whole life story. Look I’m a little busy at the moment as you can probably tell, but lucky for you I’m a master at multi-tasking. The first thing you need to know about dust is-“

And from there I gave her the whole rundown on dust, the different forms of it, how to handle it, the types of dust, the whole deal. Of course, I probably gave her the simple and dumbed down version of it since I only knew from what I read in books, but I like to think I did a good job of explaining it to her.

After my whole explanation I had figured my job was done and had gone back to putting my full focus on stacking the dust I had left. Sadly, for me that wasn’t the case as I had just put down one more container of dust when the girl asked,

“So from what you said, does that mean fire dust would be the best at taking done the Grimm?”

Looking back at it, if I had just said yes I wouldn’t be in this situation. But sadly, hindsight is 20/20 and I could never keep my mouth shut when it came to correcting people. With that said I just sighed before saying,

“While fire dust itself is just fine with taking out a Grimm, it would be better used as a long-term effect on big Grimm. You know, damage them over time so they’re easier to take on if they are too powerful. If you really want to do some damage to Grimm, always go for a combo dust attack.”

I could imagine a confused expression on her face as she asked,

“What do you mean?”

At this point I had stopped stacking dust completely and had gone into the Zone for lecturing the poor naïve hunter-to-be behind me. I never actually bothered to turn around, however, in fear that the incomplete pyramid of dust would fall if I took my eyes off it.

Anyway, I had just sighed again before saying,

“Well let’s look at an example. Let’s say you were fighting a Nevermore, you know the giant bird Grimm, and you only had a short ranged melee weapon that turns into a long-ranged gun. Shooting it with normal dust will damage it, but it won’t really bring it down fast. However, if you were to combine a gravity dust round with a fire dust round, you’d be putting a major dent in it’s armor, as well as leaving flames behind in the wound. It’ll grow weaker from the constant burning and fly closer to the ground, where you can then slash and stab it to your heart’s content.”

When I didn’t hear a response from the person behind me, I continued.

“Look, it’s like this. Combined dust equals double the damage and effects, and signaler dust is just normal damage and effects. So by that logic, double is better.”

A few seconds of silence passed, and I had thought I would need to go into another lecture before I had heard a…I think squee would be the proper term to describe it. Honestly it was so high pitched I thought a bomb was being dropped or something. The squeeing had finally ended after a few seconds before the person said in an excited tone,

“Oh that makes so much sense! I’ll pass that test for sure! Thanks mister!”

With that said I felt a gust of wind and the door slam open; I just assumed the girl had left. With a contented sigh I finally gotten back to stacking the dust. It was a few moments later that I finished and finally got out of the Zone when I noticed my boss looking at the door with an amused expression.    

I gave him a confused look, which he probably noticed as he responded by saying,

“Did you scare off another costumer again Chris?! She ran out of here so fast her red hood almost flew right off! And what’s with those rose petals all over the place! I just cleaned in here dang it!”

I was going to respond to my boss’s comment in some sort of sarcastic remark, but I stopped dead when I registered his words. I remember thinking in a dreading tone,

Did he say just say red hood…and rose petals?

And like that it all started coming together. How nervous that girl sounded, how familiar she sounded, the red hood, the speed and the rose petals. It all led me to one thought.

“You’re cleaning up this mess Chris! Cause if you think for even one second that I’m cleaning up then your de-huh? What’s with that mortified expression on your face, it’s just cleaning? Not like I’m asking you to swipe off the old dust storage…again.”

I barely even recognized what he said as what just transpired replayed over and over again in my mind. There was only one way to express my sheer terror….

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Yeah…may not have been the best way to express my terror, but at the time I thought the world was gonna implode or Grimm were gonna breach Vale early. Then again with that thought process going out screaming isn’t the proudest thing to do…

…

Like I said, not the best way to express my mortal terror.

________________________________________

It was a few days later after what I dubbed the ‘Ruby Incident’ when she showed up to the shop again.

I had calmed down a while after the incident. The only reason being that nothing bad had happen yet and I’d assumed that I didn’t break the timeline with that interaction with Ruby.

Of course, I did realize that I must have done something with what I told her about dust, but I was hoping that I didn’t have that big of an effect. Maybe she was supposed to study by herself because she was all socially awkward and all that, but maybe because I was in her world she instead got a little braver and decided to go out for help.

Why she went to a dust shop near the red-light district instead of the library is beyond me through. The Butterfly Effect is a quirky little thing I suppose; the tiniest changes have the biggest effect after all.

Anyway, I’m rambling again. So, I was just doing some stock in the back of the shop, categorizing the newest shipments of dust before they went on display. I was still wearing the clothes I had on a few days ago cause the Laundromat I went to got shut down by a safety inspector (something about powered water dust mixed with water not being a responsible replacement for detergent) I was just finishing up and looking forward to my break time, when Old Man Fuller came into the back with a look on his face that I have come to fear. It’s the ‘I am going to force you to do something now’ look.

Every time he had that look, I had to do something that was way beyond my paygrade, and usually almost killed me too. So when I saw that look I knew I was in trouble as he said,

“Chris, we’ve got a customer in the shop. Go deal with them.”

I gave him a confused look as I asked him,

“Why can’t you deal with them? I’m just about finished, and my break is gonna start soon.”  

The old man just gave me a mischievous smile as he said,

“Just Little Red Riding Hood, apparently you didn’t scare her off last time.”

I remember making an “urk” sound at the mention of Old Man Fuller’s little nickname for Ruby.

I gulped nervously as I said,

“Uh…tell her I’m not here! Better yet tell her I’m dead, killed in a dust explosion cause of poor display judgment by the owner of the store!”

The old man just gave me a glare as he said,

“Now I know you have some strange phobia of girls, and I can understand that. Women can be pretty scary, especially if ya make them mad. But ya got to listen to the customer boy. And if the customer asks for a no-good hobo, then ya give them a no-good hobo. Plain and simple.”

I remember my eye twitching in annoyance as I yelled at him,

“I’M NOT A HOBO DANG IT!”

The old man just snorted at my outburst and said,

“Last I checked, you are still living out in the streets. Pretty sure that’s what a hobo does, even if ya happen to be cleaner than most hobos.”

I was going to lash out at him again, but I figured that there were more pressing matters at that moment than whether or not I was a hobo. Which I’m not by the way.

So anyway, I just sighed in annoyance before I said,

“Look, I don’t have some girl phobia or whatever. I just have a legitimately good reason as to why I can’t talk or even go near that girl!”

The old man had given me a suspicious look before asking me,

“Oh really? Pray tell, what is this all so good reason to ignore a girl?”

I had gulped in fear there before saying in a questioning tone,

“Uh…it’s a personal reason?”

The old man just gave me a flat look…before he proceeded to lift me up and throw me out of the back room and into the main part of the store. I did tell you all he was ridiculously strong right?

After I had gotten up and dusted myself off I had decided to politely tell my employer,

“ARE YOU CRAZY OLD MAN! WAIT, YOU PROBABLY ARE CONSIDERING YOU JUST THREW ME INTO A ROOM FULL OF POWDERED DUST! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!”

I got no response, so I decided to just grumble in anger about how stupid the old man was. As I looked around the store while pouting, I found the reason of my ejection from the safety of the back room.

Ruby, in all her red hooded glory, was standing patiently by the counter. She was even rocking back and forth while whistling. This all stopped when she saw me as she had begun to wave at me while smiling widely. As I gave her a lazy wave and kept a calm expression, on the inside I was having a major panic attack and was trying to think of any way to avoid her.

I could just make a beeline for the front doo-no that wouldn’t work she’s right in front of it! She’ll think I’m running at her or something! Maybe dash back to the backro-no the old man is still there, probably to stop me from running back there. Fake a heart attack and pretend to die?

…

…

Nah, not that desperate.

After all that thought I had just decided to give up and let the universe blow up or something. Bedside’s, how bad can one more talk with the main protagonist of the show be?

Oh if only I had known…

Back to the matter at hand, I had given a dejected sigh and had begun to walk over to Ruby.

When I reached her she got an awkward look as she said,

“Uh…hi! You probably don’t remember me but I was that girl who came in a couple of days ago asking about how dust works?”

Even though I knew who she was and more of what she would be, I knew I had to keep up the appearance of someone who wasn’t from another world where this one was just a web series. So I played dumb by putting on a thinking face and saying in a thoughtful tone,

“Hmmmm….now that I think about, ya. I remember you, ran out of here leaving rose petals all over the place. I had to clean it all up cause my boss is too lazy.”

Ruby gave a sheepish chuckle before saying,

“Ya…sorry about that. I don’t know why that always happens when I use my Semblance.”

I had to remind myself to play dumb so I just gave her a questioning look before I asked,

“Semblance? What’s that?”

Ruby gained a look of…excitement(?) before saying,

“Oh! It’s this super cool trick that people can get after they unlock their Aura! Not immediately though, you have to work really hard to get it…at least that’s what my uncle Qrow told me. Anyway, my semblance is super speed!”

I only gave her a nod as I digested the information. I didn’t bother looking too much into Semblances and Auras since I knew I would never get one, either due to being from another world or because I would hopefully never be in a situation where I needed it unlocked. Even though Ruby’s description of it wasn’t the best definition out there, it still was something to go on.

After her little explanation an awkward silence fell upon us. This lasted for a while until I couldn’t stand it, so I decided to make the first move. I thought that if I was gonna mess up the timeline somehow by talking with Ruby, then I was gonna do it my way!    

So I put out my hand for a handshake and said,

“The name’s Chris Sullivan, but my friends just call me Joker. What’s yours?”

Ruby seemed to snap out of it as she took my hand and shook it while saying,

“Ruby, Ruby Rose.”

I just smiled at her as she let go of my hand and I said,

“Well Ms. Rose, what can I help you with at Ye Olden Dust Shop?”

My words had apparently sparked some realization for Ruby as she gasped in surprise before pulling out a piece of paper from her skirt. Handing it to me after unfolding it, I saw…a high school test about dust with an 85% on it?

I gave Ruby a questioning look,

“Uh…what exactly am I looking at here?”

Ruby gave me a confused look before making an “oooh” sound before she said,

“That’s the test I told you about! The one you sort of helped me study for! I came down here to thank you for the help! It’s the highest grade I’ve ever gotten on a dust test!”

Ruby giggled after she said that before she continued,

“The look on my teacher’s face was priceless!”

I had to hold back a smile at Ruby’s actions. Real now or not this was still the little girl who I had watched the adventures of before being sucked into her world. So to see something as adorable as this…well you can see why I had to hold back a smile.

Ruby’s giggling had calmed down and she gained a nervous expression, she also started shuffling nervously. I gave her a confused look, and upon noticing she said,

“Also…another reason I had come down here was…well…I NEED YOU TO BE MY DUST TUTOR!!!”

I jumped back from Ruby’s outburst in shock. I knew the girl had a good pair of lungs but dang could she be loud. I thought she saw a Grimm or something and yelled out in shock, and considering the Butterfly Effect and my luck I was surprised that that wasn’t the case.

After I had calmed down from her outburst I decided to play it cool so gave her a blank look and simply said

“What?”

Ruby then gave me the most desperate look I had ever seen as she began to explain,

“Well you see it’s just that my uncle and dad were so proud that I had gotten such a good grade for once that they took me out to buy some sweet weapon mods for Crescent Rose. But then they asked me how I did so well. So I told them about you and then they told me that maybe it would be a good idea that you should be my tutor! They said that they will pay for it and I’ll be able to go for more weapon mod shopping if I keep getting good grades!”

I honestly thought that Ruby was gonna pass out after she said all that. I mean she said all that without stopping and in rapid succession. But like I said, she had a strong pair of lungs, so instead of passing out she gave me the look all men should fear. The one look no men can say no too, no matter how cold hearted or evil they are. This is the look that can strike down gods and demons alike with its power! That look is…

The dreaded Puppy Dog Eyes!

*dun dun dunnnnnnn*

“Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease say yes to being my tutor!”

I remember trying my best to resist the look, trying to avoid the future of destruction that could happen if I continued to interact with Ruby. But like I said…no one can resist the Puppy Dog Eyes.

So after saying yes and a rather awkward hug, that marked the day of my tutoring sessions with Ruby. She would come in twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays to be precise. She would usually come by afterhours to avoid disturbing the customers, but that didn’t stop Old Man Fuller from nicknaming her the Red Hooded Mascot of Ye Olden Dust Shop since she was here so often.

I was a nervous wreck during the first few weeks as Ruby’s tutor. Every day I thought I’d wake up with The Breach happening early or the White Fang taking over the city, but it appeared that the Butterfly Effect was going easy on me and decided to not destroy the entire city cause I was tutoring a little girl.

…

Now that I said that, it sounds ridiculous. But I still stood by that the Butterfly Effect would cause some sort of disaster. In fact, it was about a month after my tutoring sessions with Ruby started that the Butterfly Effect reared its ugly head.  

It was a Thursday night, and I was just about to close up shop. The old man was out on business to try and get a new supplier. I had finally gotten used to Ruby’s visits and had gotten over the whole Butterfly Effect induced paranoia.

I had thought that the tutoring session was just going to go as normal. Ruby comes in, I start going over some dust related subject for her next test, and then she’ll leave after paying me (25 Lein for 2 hours of tutoring isn’t so bad).

But nope! The Butterfly Effect and the universe decided to be huge jerks, cause instead of that happening, no guess what happens?

I’ll tell ya, I heard the door chime and get up from behind the counter to greet her, only to have the barrel of a gun get shoved into my face. As soon as I saw it I heard the voice of one Gray G. Haddock say,

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a Dust shop open this late?”

If I wasn’t so terrified at that moment, I would have sighed and said,

“Did you dye your hair that color or is it natural?”

…

I’m a fan, cut me some slack, will ya?

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

You know how in movies where a person gets held at gun point? You know those scenes where the good guy is surrounded by guys with guns and he’s slowly putting his hands up to surrender, but it’s only a trick to get the bad guy's guard down before he pulls off some awesome trick to kill them all?

Or those scenes that has the bad guy held at gun point by the good guy, but he’s all cocky and just asking to get shot (sometimes literally) to rile the good guy up so he makes a mistake? Then he does make a mistake and the bad guy takes advantage of that to wound the good guy and run away, you know those scenes?

Well, this was not one of those scenes. In fact, if I were to describe the predicament that I had found myself in that night I would describe it as the complete and utter opposite of those scenes.

I was a complete and utter mess. I was sweating up a storm and was looking around at everything but the guns staring down my face. I remember thinking something along the lines of ‘Oh God I’m gonna die’ over and over again like a mantra.

But could you really blame me? There I was, a normal everyday joe from Earth in Remnat being held at gunpoint by one of Roman Torchwick’s goons; with said man in the same room with his bazooka cane in hand.

Oh, and let’s not forget that there were at least four goons with guns that looked like they would rather kill me than hold me hostage. Add in the fact that I had no aura so instead of shrugging off any bullets, I would have died instantly if one of those guys had shot me.

So yeah, I had plenty of reasons to be in ‘piss pants’ mode that night. Not that I did piss my pants that night, far from it!

…

Okay so maybe a little came out, but that’s beside the point!

So yeah, there I was. Being held by gunpoint by an infamous crook and his cronies and maybe pissed pants. So want was the first most ingenious thing I did? Well I threw my hands up into the air and practically yelled,

“DON’T KILL ME PLEASE! I MAY LOOK YOUNG BUT I HAVE A WIFE AND THREE CHILDREN TO FEED! TAKE THE DUST AND LEAVE!”

…

Yeah…I’m not so good under stressful situations, so I had thought playing the panicked sympathy card would work. Then again, now that I think about it, I should have said I was just a homeless guy who came in to rob the joint considering how bad my clothes smelled, but oh well.

Anyway, Torchwick gave me a sly smirk before he said,

“Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, calm down, we're not here for your mo-wait a second.”

Torchwick gave me a confused glare before he said,

“How did you know we were here for the dust and not your money?”

I remember my eyes widening in shock when he had said that, and I had realized I had goofed. I had said dust instead of money. And as far as I knew nobody knew it was Torchwick who had been stealing only dust from shops and leaving money.

I remember panicking internally as I thought,

Not good not good not good NOT GOOD! What the heck was I thinking!? Now they’re kill me for knowing it’s them! Think Chris, think! What can I do to save my own hide!? Wait…maybe if I…

Luckily for me I was a fast thinker, the only problem with my little plan was I didn’t know if there had been other dust shop robberies. The downside of not having enough money to afford a scroll or t.v. But I had figured that I might as well give it a shot since I was dead either way if I was wrong.

So with a plan in mind I said,

“W-well there have been a lot of dust shops being robbed recently, right? The reports said that they only stole the dust, and left the lein. S-so I just assumed it was you guys, cause usually only really desperate people rob a shop so close to the red-light district. You guys look way too fancy for that so ye-yeah.”

Torchwick just gave me an amused look before he said,

“Well aren’t you a clever little shop keep. Now what was I saying...oh yes,” he turned to the other henchmen as he said, “Grab the dust already.”

When he said that two of the grunts went to some of the displays and had begun to fill some bags with the dust. The other two stayed behind with Torchwick, one was aiming his gun at me while the other slammed a briefcase on top of the counter.

He opened the briefcase to reveal places to put crystal dust as he said,

“Crystals. Burn. Uncut.”

Since I didn’t feel like dying I complied with the henchmen's demand and started to put in the crystal dust from behind the counter into the briefcase. This went on for a while and the whole time I thought for sure I was gonna die if I so much as spoke.

Of course the universe just hates me and decided to make things worse.

Halfway through filling the briefcase I heard one of the grunts shout out in alarm. I glanced out from the corner of my eye to see what had happened, and I almost passed out from what I saw.

One of the grunts taking the powder dust had knocked down one of the pyramids he was working on. Lucky for him and everyone else in the room there was only a few left from his ransacking and he managed to catch them before they hit the floor. While the rest of the grunts let out a sigh relief and Torchwick just made an annoyed tisk, I did something completely stupid…

I stopped putting dust into the briefcase…and yelled at him.

“ARE YOU A BLOODY IDIOT?! YOU COULD HAVE GOT US ALL KILLED!”

In hindsight, yelling at the scary robber who wouldn’t mind killing you probably wasn’t the best idea at the time. But in my defense he had done something incredibly stupid, two somethings now that I think about it.

The first thing he did was be careless around dust and almost got everyone in a three-mile radius killed. The second thing he did to piss me off was messing with my work.

Now I may not act like it, but I take great pride in everything I do. Especially when it involves something I put a lot of time and care into. So when some idiot decides to mess up that work, I get pissed and vent out my frustrations on the poor sap unlucky enough to piss me off.

In this case, a dumb grunt knocking down one of my dust pyramids that took forever to stack.

So you can understand why I decided to yell at the idiot, but you should also probably realize that was probably not the smartest thing to do. I wish I did, since the grunt had gotten an annoyed look on his face and started to walk over to me. I, on the other hand, was too busy mouthing off to him to notice it.

“Seriously, are you an idiot? If you’re robbing dust, then you must know just how unstable it is! I mean I know grunts aren’t the smartest people out there, but come on! It’s one thing to be dumb, another to ignore common sense. Just how dumb are yo-”

*Whack*

It was at that point the annoyed grunt had reached me, and decided to shut me up with a good old pistol whip to the face.

Now let it be known that being hit with pistol like object, especially if it’s the barrel they hit you with, hurts like hell! It feels like you’ve just been punched by some guy with a metal hand who’s also wearing brass knuckles.

So it’s understandable that when the guy hit me I fell onto the ground while shouting in pain.

Now most people after being pistol whipped would probably go into shock, shut up, and stare blankly into space for a few moments before getting up and listening to what the nice gentlemen who hit you says to avoid another whack.

Sadly, for me, I’m not like most people. I was shocked, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t shut up.
Oh no, I just kept going on and on as the reality of the situation hit me as I was slowly getting up.

“Oh god…I just got pistol whipped by a low-tier grunt. This is real…I’m really getting robbed by Roman Torchwick and his goons on Remnant. This…this is unreal. This is just impossibl-“

“I said SHUT UP!”

*Whack Crack*

Apparently while I was having my mental breakdown the jerkbag of a grunt got impatient and decided to hit me with the barrel of his gun again. The second hit actually managed to crack my skull that time and drew some blood.

Now that got me to shut up real quick. I had fallen to the ground again, but the grunt had other plans in mind as he lifted me up and aimed his gun at me. I wasn’t really all there at the time, cracked skull and all that, so I don’t remember exactly what the guy said. I think he mentioned something about tanks and a girl named Shelia.

Well, whatever he said must have been pretty threatening since he was aiming the gun at my face. I think he had a sadistic smile, but like I said, having a cracked skull makes things hard to concentrate on.

He was probably going to pull the trigger and kill me right there and then, if it weren’t for Torchwick smacking the back of the henchmen’s head. Pretty sure the henchmen dropped me in fear at this point. I mean if Roman Torchwick just slapped you on the back of the head, I imagine you’d be pretty freaked out.

I was still pretty dazed, so I don’t really remember what happened after that. The grunt was staring at Torchwick while said man was glaring at him while talking. This went on for a while till finally the grunt just nodded and walked out of my downed view, probably went back to stealing the dust now that I think about it.

Anyway, Torchwick stared at me for a bit before looking off to the side and calling out to someone. A few moments after that one of his goons was next to me with his hand over my face.

Few moments later I felt less groggy and was able to stand up on my own. When I looked around I saw that the henchmen were back to robbing the joint, as if what happened never…well happened.

Torchwick noticed my confused look and told me,

“Sorry about all that. You see he has some…anger issues, please do try not to anger him anymore unless you want a bullet in your head.”

I remember just giving him a confused look as I asked,

“Wh..why did you have one of your grunts heal me? Wouldn’t it make more sense to kill me, you know, no witnesses?”

Now I know saying that was probably not a good idea at the time, but hey I figured if they bothered to heal me they must want to keep me alive for at least a couple more minutes.

“Oh that’s quite simple really. You see I am a businessman, and therefore I must abide by the terms set by my partners. One of those rules being not to harm the shop clerks, something about ‘instilling fear into the hearts of citizens’ or something like that. I would hate to have to ruin that partnership by leaving a body behind.”

I figured he was talking about Cinder, but I couldn’t really wrap my head around the fact why she wanted him to keep people alive. I mean if she wanted to strike fear into the people of Vale, wouldn’t it make more sense to kill people?

Oh, you’re all probably wondering how that grunt healed me right? While I didn’t find out until later, the dude used Aura to seal up my head wound. From what I’ve been told you can train your Aura to not only heal your wounds, but others as well.

The dumbed down version I’ve been told is that you have to imagine that your Aura is like a Band-Aid and that you’re just putting it over a scratch. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but then again I’m from a world where high school students are hanging out at the mall and not training to hunt monsters. For all I know that explanation is what they tell little kids when they ask.

Anyway, back to being held at gun point. I was just about to ask Torchwick another question when he interrupted me by saying,       

“Besides, Grunt already has four murder charges on him, I’d rather he not get anymore.”

Any and all questions I had for Roman about how keeping me alive caused more panic were thrown out the window when he said that. Instead the only thing I could say was,

“Wait…Grunt? Your henchmen’s name is Grunt?”

This actually caused Torchwick to send me a confused look before he said,

“Er...yes. That is his name.”

Now I know what you’re thinking, probably something along the lines of “what’s the big deal about this guy’s name?” Well it’s just that this guy’s name was Grunt, and his job was being a grunt for Torchwick. I mean you can’t just make this kind of perfection up!

I had decided to share my astonishment with Torchwick when I said,

“Wait, so your telling me that your henchmen’s name is Grunt, which is also a synonym for henchmen.”

Torchwick just continued to have a confused look on his face when he said,

“Yes, that’s his name. What is so strange about that?”

I honestly started to question if this was really happening. I mean a grunt’s name being Grunt, there was just no way. As I was questioning this in my head, a thought occurred to me. One that was just so beautiful that I needed to see if it was true. So I asked Torchwick with a completely serious tone,

“What *snicker* what’s Grunt’s full name?”

I remember Torchwick just giving me a suspicious look before he said,

“Well…not like knowing his full name will do any harm. He’s already on the police’s wanted list. His name is Grunt L. Henchmen.”

I will admit when I heard that I started to laugh uncontrollably, tears and all. Torchwick just gave me a weird look as I continued to laugh my heart out. I know I should have been scared and not laughing at the scary grunt’s name, but I couldn’t help it! I mean when are you gonna meet someone who’s name pretty much destined them to be some low-life’s goon. It’s too good a laugh to pass up!

Of course I eventually wised up when Grunt started to give me a glare that would most likely freeze hell. So when I did eventually stopped laughing Torchwick just gave a sigh before he said,

“Right…well the show’s over! Get back to grabbing that Dust!”

And like that the goons, who had stopped loading Dust due to my outburst, went back to work. Grunt continued to glare at me for a while before he too went back to work.

After that the next few minutes went by slowly as the grunts did their jobs of stealing the dust. Torchwick would go from watching me to making sure his men were working.

While all this was happening, I couldn’t help but feel like I was forgetting something important. The little laughing fit I had managed to clear up the rest of my senses and I also calmed down enough to think rationally.

But as I was saying, it felt like I was forgetting something. You’ve all probably realized what that something is, but sadly for my past self he didn’t figure it out till the front door opened and all the grunts and Torchwick stared at the entrance as the bell chimed.

And who walked in but Little Red Ridding Ho-I mean Ruby.

If I recall correctly she looked just like she did in the first episode, wearing her trademark red hood and her headphones blaring music so loud I could hear it! She didn’t appear to notice the robbery going on as she had her head stuck in a Weapon’s and You magazine.

As she came into the shop she called out without looking away from her comic,

“Hey Chris! I’m here for my Dust lessons!”

There was a tense silence that follows before Torchwick gestured to one of his grunts to handle Ruby.

The grunt he gestured to, let’s call him Grunt #1, walked over to Ruby and pointed the sword end of the gun at Ruby before he said,

“Alright kid, put your hands where I can see 'em!”

Clearly this grunts IQ wasn’t very high considering the fact the idiot couldn’t tell that Ruby couldn’t hear him nor see him I was going to comment on that but the stupid grunt said this before I could,

“Hey, I said hands in the air! You got a death wish or something!?”

That must have been the last straw for Torchwick as he said,

“Oh for the love of-She can’t see you you idiot!”

Grunt #1 looked at Torchwick before he grumbled something I couldn’t hear and then proceeded to smack the magazine out of Ruby’s hands.

Now if there’s one thing I’ve learned about Ruby in my time here is this…

Don’t.

Mess.

With

Her

Weapons magazines.

I’m serious! I don’t know if this was an actual part of her character or if it’s the Butterfly Effect messing with people, but Ruby get’s freaky scary when you mess with her magazines!

Case in point, one-minute Grunt #1 was standing there about to yell at Ruby, the next she’s behind him with the barrel of her sniper-scythe pointing where the grunt was and said grunt was set flying out of the store window.

The remaining grunts had gone on the defensive when she did that and aimed their weapons at her. I’m pretty sure I even saw Torchwick’s eyes widen in surprise at what happened!

Ruby, on the other hand, just took off her hood and headphones before she shouted at the most likely unconscious grunt,   

“AND THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH A GIRL’S MAGAZINE!”

I remember Ruby huffing after that and turning to face the rest of the grunts. From what I remember her eyes widened in shock when she saw me and the armed henchmen.

Apparently I still had a trail of blood from my injury on my face so Ruby started to freak out, but before she could actually say anything Grunt grabbed me and pulled me over the counter. He then proceeded take me hostage as he said,

“Alright girly, why don’tcha drop the big gun and put’cha hands up in the air. Unless yous wants your friend here brains blown out his head. But by all means don’t, cause I’ve been dying to blow this punk’s head off! Just give me a reason!”      

I still to this day can’t figure out what kind of accent Grunt had. It sounded as if some Italian mobster was trying to sing a punk rock song and failing miserably. It honestly made it kind of hard to understand him, but I guess Ruby did since she started to put down Crescent Rose.

Now when that started to happen, I knew I had to do something and fast. By this point I knew anything could happen but canon. The Butterfly Effect made sure of that with having Ruby facing off the grunts toward the store, plus me being a hostage wasn’t helping.

What I mean is that in the show Ruby sent the grunts flying outside and away from the shop. The grunts inside followed her out and proceeded to get their butts kicked. You’ve all probably seen that episode by now so you understand what I’m getting at.

Thanks to the Butterfly Effect, not only was Ruby unable to fight back due to the risk of a Dust explosion from the fight happening in the shop, but she also had a hostage that could be killed if she made the wrong move.

To sum it up, the situation was pretty bad. But luckily for me I had a bad case of paranoia.

You see back on Earth I was a whiz when it came to chemistry. It just came naturally to me when it came to mixing them up. I always knew just the right amount needed to make sure nothing exploded and knew what chemical combinations made what.

You needed a stink bomb to prank someone? I made ya a stink bomb that can cover the entire building that took three days to wear off.

So yeah, I knew my chemicals. So when I found out through constant research that Dust is pretty much chemicals in powdered form, well let’s just say I had a blast.

Now add in my natural paranoia and the Butterfly Effect paranoia I gained since I got to Remnant, and you had one dangerous combination. You see I always made back-up plans when it came to everything. So I figured that something like being robbed would happen to me, so I came prepared.

Now you all know how ninjas used smoke pellets right? Well I took that concept and applied it to Steam Dust. Now it took me awhile to make it work, and a lot of burns, but I finally managed to replicate them.

I would have used them before when Torchwick first showed up, but I was too scared to do anything. I may have planned for the situation, but I hoped I’d never have to go through it. That’s why when it actually did happen I was too panicked to use them. That and I forgot about them after the whole pistol whipping incident.

I only remembered they existed when I felt them move around in my pants pocket when Grunt grabbed me. So when Ruby started to surrender, I knew what I had to do.

So while Grunt was distracted with Ruby I slowly reached into my pocket and pulled out one of the pellets. Now I should probably mention I had never tested them before, I figured after the dust stopped burning the outer casing it would work.

Now you’d think I’d say some badass one-liner before I dropped it, but this was reality. So instead I just shouted at Ruby while flinging the pellet down,

“RUN FOR IT RUBY!”

When the pellet hit the ground, I had honestly thought it was just gonna blow up and kill us all. But to my surprise it had actually worked! Smoke went flying everywhere as soon as the pellet hit the ground. The grunts and Torchwick started coughing, which also meant that Grunt loosened his grip on me.

I took the advantage I had and elbowed the jerk in his ribs. He let go of me and I made a run for it. I had never run so hard in my entire life, and if it weren’t for the smoke you’d probably have seen that as I was breathing really heavily.

When I ran out of the store I dashed towards a nearby alley and hid behind the corner. Ruby on the other hand had gone straight out in the open. I was gonna try and tell her to hide as well, but Torchwick’s grunts had already exited the store and began to attack her.

Now their attack went just as you’d expect, they got their butts’ handed to them. And let me tell you it was freaking AWESOME! It was just like in the show, but ten times as awesome. I mean I thought it was awesome when I saw it on my laptop back on Earth, but seeing it for real was just freaking awesome!

It was so awesome that when Ruby was done kicking their butts I ran out to congratulate her. But of course I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and ended up being grabbed by Torchwick and got used as a hostage…again!

In fact, if I remember correctly, the exact words I said when he grabbed me were,

“Oh you have got to b-I’M A HOSTAGE AGAIN?! I JUST ESCAPED ONLY A FEW MINUTES AGO, HOW THE HELL DID I GET CAPTURED AGAIN?!”

To which Torchwick replied,

“Cause you’re an idiot who ran right by me, now shut up!”

I of course listened to the orange haired robber as he looked at the knocked out grunts before he said,

“You were worth every cent. Truly, you were.”

I remember him dropping his signature cigar and crushing it with his cane. It looked like he was about to say something, but was stopped from the distant sound of police sirens. Now I was both happy and upset at this.

Happy cause this nightmare would be over soon, and sad cause I knew what was coming up and I did not want to be around anymore than I had to. Being held hostage, twice, by Roman Torchwick is one thing. But having to deal with Cinder Falls is something I had hoped would never happen.

Sadly, for me the universe just loved to make my life a living hell and that she-devil would cause trouble for me. But that happens later, back to being held hostage by Torhwick.

So yeah, sirens in the distance and all Roman can do is sigh before aiming his cane at Ruby as he said,

“Well, Red, I think we can all say it's been an eventful evening, and as much as I'd love to stick around...,” the bottom of his cane opened up when he said that to reveal a rifle with a cross grid, “...I'm afraid this is where we part ways.”

I remember he smirked as he looked at me and then back to Ruby as he said,

“Unless, of course, you want your little friend here to be hurt.”

I remember Ruby grimacing at that. I also remember freaking out a little bit as I asked Torchwick,

“Bu-But you said your partner didn’t want any killings!”

Torchwick just smirked at me before he said,

“Situation’s change. I’m sure my partner would understand if one death occurred. Causalities are only natural when civilians get caught between two fighters.”

I remember just gulping in fear at his statement. I mean who wouldn’t when the guy holding you hostage just said he could kill you and label it an accidental death?! So it’s pretty justifiable that I made a very unmanly ‘eep’ sound.

Anyway, Ruby lowered her weapon as Torchwick began to drag me towards the ladder that led to the rooftop where Cinder would pick him up. This is where I had the terrifying thought that if Torchwick did manage to get away with me as a hostage, I would have to deal with Cinder face to face.

Now seeing as I had the natural drive to live to see another day, I tried to think of a way to get out of this situation,

 Oh god I need to think of something quick or Miss ShipRuiner is gonna kill me for sure! Maybe I could try the pellets again? No that wouldn’t work, he knows I have them so he can prepare a counter attack. Maybe I could…no that wouldn’t work…but what choice do I have?

And what brilliant plan did I come up with you ask? Well it started off with one brilliant question, and that question was…

“Hey Torchwick, you’re a dude right?”

Now it’s understandable that Torchwick stopped dragging me and gave me an ‘are you stupid’ look before he said,

“Wha-of course I’m a male! What kind of question is that?”

With his response I proceeded to do what I still consider the stupidest yet awesomest thing ever since I got to Remnat. I gave a nervous chuckle before I said,

“Oh just making sure, also please don’t kill me for this!”

“Kill you for wha-*smash*”

That smash would be my head colliding with Torchwick’s face.

Now let me just say that headbutts never win. It may hurt your opponent, but it also hurts you. Plus, I still had that whole head injury, so let me say that it hurt like hell when I did that. On the plus side I broke Torchwick’s nose, so I added that to my list of accomplishments.

Anyway after I headbutted him he let me go to hold his face in pain, and when he did that I turned around and kicked him in the balls.

…

…

Look I was desperate to get out of that situation so I went for every man’s weakness! I have no regrets! None I tell you!

Now my karma may say otherwise as you all will learn later, but I still regret nothing!

Anyway, there was a tense silence after that till Torchwick let out a high pitch scream. I used that to my advantage to run away and get over to Ruby, who was holding in her laughter.

When I reached her she was giggling like mad and she had this to say,

“That was hilarious! You just kicked Vale’s most wanted criminal in his private place! Oh I can’t wait to tell Yang, she’s gonna love this!”

I would have responded to this if it weren’t for the large explosion that almost killed us if Ruby didn’t tackle me out of the way. When we got back up we saw Torchwick standing on top of the rooftop with a glare my way and a hand cradling his balls.

I’ll admit I laughed at that, but I quickly shut up when his glare got even more intense. But luckily for me he hobbled off on the roof. Ruby gave me a determined stare as she said,

“I’m gonna go after him, okay?”

I just nodded dumbly as she sped up the ladder. Now after that I sort of just stood there as the events from the show played out. There were explosions from the roof, the Bullhead with Cinder driving showed up, Glynda shows up, and awesomeness happens.

After everything died down and the Bullhead left I decided to go and check on Ruby and Goodwitch. When I got to the top of the ladder I saw Ruby giving Goodwitch her puppy dog eyes.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the scene, which made Goodwitch notice me. She glared at me and asked,

“Who are you and what are you doing here?”

I’ll admit I made another ‘eep’ sound, but only because Goodwitch is really intimidating and I was scared of her little wand!

Ahem…so I answered with this,

“O-oh me? I’m just the part-time worker at the shop that was getting robbed, that’s all! No need to bring me into questioning seeing as how the shop is still standing and all the Dust is accounted fo-”

*BOOM*

And that is when Ye Olden Dust Shop was blown sky high by a dust explosion. I would later find out that Grunt had left a little “surprise” for me when I threw down the smoke pellet. He apparently left a lit match next to some Dust containers and well…boom.

Luckily the explosion wasn’t as big as I thought it would be. It only took out the shop and half of the buildings next to it, which were abandoned so thankfully no one was hurt.

Well…I lost all the food and clothes I kept in there, which was also everything I owned at the time.

…

Yeah, I really hate Grunt.

Anyway, after the explosion I just chuckled awkwardly before telling Goodwitch,

“On second thought, I’d like to report an incident. My place of work just went up in flames along with all my food and clothes. Who do I meet to report this to?”

And that’s how I ended up in the back of a squad car with Ruby to meet Ozpin for the first time….

Anyway, after some boring police stuff that I won’t bore you with me and Ruby were escorted to an interrogation room with Goodwitch.

After that the episode played out from there. Ozpin showed up, mentioned Ruby’s eyes and all that. I kept quiet most of the time to avoid saying or doing anything to make Ozpin notice me. Cause you see I had a list of people I wanted to avoid no matter what, and on the top of that list is good old Ozzy, Cinder in second.

Sadly, for me, Ozpin decided to bring me into the conversation when he asked me after allowing Ruby into Beacon,

“Now that that’s cleared up, let’s move on to our quiet shop keep. Now Mister Chris,”

I will admit to gulping in fear when he said that, and even started to sweat when he started to read off his scroll,

“According to your profile you used to live with your family in a village from the Outer Wall. After graduating High School, you left your village for Vale to get your dream job as a private investigator. You left behind your signal mother and a younger sister, and you haven’t made contact since your bankruptcy due to very few people hiring you. You’ve been living on the streets ever since and have recently gotten a job at Ye Olden Dust Shop, which to my knowledge was destroyed tonight by a Dust bomb.”

For all you wondering about what the forger made of my background, here you go! Anyway I sighed, and tried to ignore the pitiful stare Ruby was sending my way, and said,

“Yes, that’s all true. Thank you for bringing up my past in front of my friend Ozpin, would you also like to mention my deepest darkest secret to the entire Vale Police Department while you’re at it?”

I know snapping at Ozpin wasn’t the smartest idea, but I didn’t like how he brought up my fake past that I had to explain to Ruby later. Which by the way was very awkward by the way! But I digress, apparently what I had said just amused Ozpin as he just chuckled before he said,

“I’m sorry, but I was just checking the facts. Now a-days it’s very easy to fake someone’s identity. Now if you could just give use a recap of what happened tonight. Ruby you are free to leave.”

With that said Ruby left with a reluctant look, and I spent the next five minutes stuck retelling the events of Torchwick’s robbery to the headmaster of Beacon and one of its teachers.

At the time I was wondering why they needed to know all this, but I just thought it was because Cinder was involved.

If I had known the real reason, I would have lied by ass off.

But I didn’t, so I answered to the best of my abilities and then they let me leave.

But that wasn’t all that good either. My place of work got destroyed and Old Man Fuller wouldn’t be back from his trip for another month, so I was stuck without a way to earn money for awhile. And with all my food and clothes, which I had to store there after the laundromat closed, gone I was in a tough pickle.

It wouldn’t be till a week later that my salvation came in the form of our favorite Red Riding Hood and her team.  

It wouldn’t be a week…till I got kicked in the balls, slapped, and almost stabbed.

….

Yeah that week really sucked.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Remember when I said that it wouldn't be a week till Little Red and her team found me on the streets? Well in the time it took for them to show up, I went through hell!

I'm not kidding or exaggerating either, that week was hellish from beginning to end. It was as if the universe wanted to gain some overtime hours so it made my life even more difficult than it already was.

I mean it was bad enough that I was out of a job till Old Man Fuller came back to handle the repairs to the shop, but I also was stuck wearing the same dirty clothes the entire time. You think your clothes smell terrible after wearing them for a couple days straight?

Ha!

I wished my clothes only smelled that bad. My clothes smelled so bad that I could see the stink coming off them! I don't even understand how that's even possible, but apparently it is as I've seen it! Wherever I went people ran screaming in the other direction just to get away from the smell!

I was bloody banned from a homeless shelter once cause, and I quote, 'Sorry sir, but we only accept the homeless, not the dead.'

I mean how freaking dumb is that?! So what if I smelled so bad that I could be mistaken as a corpse, that doesn't give them the right to deny a homeless man shelter!

I swear I'm half tempted to go back to that stupid shelter now an-!

*deep breath, exhale*

Ahem…sorry about that, got a little carried away. Now where was I?

…

Oh right! I was talking about how hellish that week was.

Well, besides the smell problem, I also had a little trouble getting food. You see I used to just use the bulk of my lien I got from my job to buy some food, which I would either eat right away or store in a mini-fridge in the Ye Olden Dust Shop.

But as mentioned before, the shop was blown to hell by a stupid grunt whose name was actually Grunt who didn't like being elbowed in the ribs and had some matches. So all the food I did have went with it, and the last of my lien was used to renew my library card.

…

…

What? Knowledge has and will always be more important than food. At least when you're trapped in another world that you only know future events and nothing else and are trying to blend in.

So yeah, it looked like it would be impossible to get food that whole week. To be honest I thought I was gonna die from starvation, but luckily for me the universe decided it didn't want it's punching bag getting killed just yet.

What I mean is that I met the most annoying little brat in all of Remnant!

…

…

…

Okay now I know that doesn't make any sense, but trust me when I say it isn't as bad as it sounds.

You see it was around midnight on Sunday, three days after the shop blew to hell, and I was walking around the red-light district trying not to pass out from hunger.

Now the reason I was in the red-light district in the first place was because I heard some rumors that a food supply Bullhead was hijacked by some White Fang members, but before they could get far they got shot down above the red-light district. The White Fang that survived the crash and were arrested while the crash site was made into a crime scene.

The best part of all that was the food would still be there since the police would be too busy taking care of the White Fang grunts to care about any of the food. So, me being the starving man that I was, decided to risk it and nab some food while I could.

In hindsight I should have been wondering why the White Fang would try and steal a food Bullhead in the first place or why some company decided to transfer their food via a Bullhead at all, but my stomach was in more control than my brain at the time. So it's really not completely my fault that when I got to the supposed location where the food was and all I found was an empty lot, that I may or may not have thrown a fit.

"OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!? WHERE THE HECK IS ALL THE FOOD! THIS IS SOOOO NOT FAIR! WHY MUST YOU TREAT ME SO CRUELLY AS TO DENY ME THE FLOOR FOOD FOR ME TOO LIVE! WHYYYYY!

…

Okay maybe it was more of me whining like a toddler than anything else, but can you blame me?

I'd been starving for three days straight and hearing about this crashed food Bullhead raised my hopes to finally eat something to an all-time high.

I also risked my neck going to an area where the White Fang got arrested and might come back to clean up any loose ends. So I think I had the right to complain about it to all those in the area.

Sadly for me the downside of having a mental breakdown caused via starvation and extreme annoyance is that people will no doubt hear you. Now if you're lucky, whoever hears you will try and find you so they can help. They'd offer you their help, feed you, and help you regain any lost strength.

When you finally regain your strength, you'll thank them and be on your way

But since this is reality and not a fantasy, the person who found me wasn't so nice as to lend me a hand. Oh no, they put a gun to my back and tried to mug me.

…

Yeah it appears that I have a bad habit of being held at gun point. Trust me when I say this little instance wasn't the last time a gun was shoved into the back of my head.

Anyway, back to me getting mugged.

I had stopped ranting over the fact that the food I oh-so wished to have didn't exist when I felt the barrel of a gun on my the back of my head. I almost stopped breathing in fright when I heard the gun's hammer click.

I planned in that moment to not do anything stupid and to just do whatever the mugger demanded from me to survive. Hopefully if I followed every word without question they'd let me live.

Sadly, that plan went out the window when the mugger spoke.

"Jeeze man, you have got to be the loudest hobo this side of the Vale. I could hear ya a mile away."

At that point I assumed from the tone of the mugger's voice they were female, and young one at that, probably a pre-teen judging from her tone.

None of that information made it past my subconscious though, as I had been too busy fuming over being called a hobo again.

"I'M NOT A HOBO DAMMIT!"

I felt the disbelief coming from the mugger as she said,

"You sure stinky? You look *sniff* urk…and smell like a hobo to me."

That only aggravated me even more as I ranted,

"I'm not a hobo! I just so happen to live in a box and have no money to my name is all! And you can blame the smell on that stupid Grunt who blew up my clothes!"

I'm positive the mugger just gave me a deadpanned stare as she said,

"I'm pretty sure that's the definition of a hobo dude. Anyway, I could care less about your living situation or why you smell like a dead guy who's on fire. Just hand over what little lien you got and you'll live to beg another day."

By then I finally managed to get my annoyance under control enough to just grumble angrily as I started to search my pockets for any lein I had.

"Not only is there no food here, but now I'm getting mugged! Stupid universe, when will you let me catch a break!?"

The mugger snickered at my annoyed grumblings before she said,

"Man I can't believe you fell for that scam!"

My eyes widened in shock at this declaration.

"Whoa whoa what!? What do you mean this was a scam!?"

The mugger just laughed again before she said,

"This whole food Bullhead crashing was all a trick by those White Fang guys. They lure homeless saps here to recruit them if they're Faunus or kill them if they're human. You know, the usual White Fang business."

Now that got my attention. Not only was this some trick by the White Fang to get starving Faunus into their ranks, but also to kill starving humans too!

Now I know at that point I should have been counting my blessings at not being killed immediately, or I should have been questioning just how dumb I was for falling for such an obvious trap (I mean come on, a food Bullhead!? I should have known those didn't exist).

I should have been wondering why no White Fang had sprung out the minute I stepped into this trap, or just why this mugger knew so much. I should have wondered why she sounded a little too…young to be a mugger. And more importantly, I should have realized that I still had my Steam dust pellets in my pocket and could use them to get away.

I should have realized all of this...but I was too annoyed and hungry to really notice. Annoyed cause this mugger kept insisting that I was a hobo, which I clearly wasn't, and annoyed at how my hopes for eating were dashed to cinders due to this all being some big White Fang trap. The hunger was pretty general since I hadn't eaten in three days and we humans tend to do really stupid things after starving for so long

So instead of doing the more logical thing of using the Steam dust pellets or just letting the mugger take what little lein I had and hold onto the hope that they'd let me live, I instead did something only a very starved and annoyed man would do.

I turned around and tackled the would-be mugger.

She let out a startled yelp as I tackled her and we hit the ground hard. We then struggled with the gun, but she had a pretty weak grip and it went flying.

I think it hit a trashcan or something like that cause there was a loud *clang* sound that echoed around the area. Thinking back on it I never did find out just where that gun landed, but considering how the rest of this played out I should have dived for it when I had to chance.

Speaking of how this played out, the mugger and I struggled on the ground for a good few seconds. Eventually I had managed to pin her down and get a good look at just who tried to mug me.

And boy was I shocked by what I saw.

The person who had tried to rob me was a Fanus for one thing. At the time I was more shocked that it was a Fanus in the first place since she'd just told me this was a White Fang trap.

I mean just cause she was a Fanus doesn't mean she was a-part of the White Fang, but considering that this was all a supposed trap set by the White Fang it was very suspicious.

There was no way it wasn't a coincidence either. But my starved mind and annoyed self couldn't really put all that together at the time. All I saw was fox ears and my brain kinda turned off for a good couple seconds.

It would have saved me a major headache if I had made the connection then rather than later, but I'll get to that eventually.

Anyway, back to the 'finding out my mugger was a Faunus' debacle. Like I said before my brain kinda shut down from shock at seeing the fox ears, which gave my mugger enough time to kick me off her. That snapped me back into reality as I smashed into some trashcan's nearby. I got a little dazed from that but I shook it off as I saw my mugger get up.

I started to get up as well to make a run for it, but I was a little too slow as the mugger got up first and charged at me.

Thinking fast I managed to barely dodge her and she ended up slamming into the same trashcans I had. I took my chance to book it and I was almost out of there…but then I got nailed in the head by some sort of hard object.

Said object was heavy enough to send me tumbling to the ground into even more freaking trashcans. Thanks to that blow, my head was killing me, and I was covered in more garbage juice. I think she hit the same spot Grunt did before, but I was too focused on getting out of there to care at the moment.

I tried to get back up and run but it was too late as the mugger managed to find her gun and aimed it at me. I had heard the click of her gun and froze in fear.

The girl, who despite having a weak grip was surprisingly strong for her age (I blame Faunus heritage to this day), flipped me over and aimed the gun at my head.

"Alright buddy, I was gonna be nice and just rough you up a little after I got your lein. But now since I'm covered in garbage I'm not. Now give me a good reason why I shouldn't make you into an actual corpse besides just smelling like one?"

Now I had no clue if she was bluffing or not, but I knew that a person desperate enough to mug wouldn't mind leaving a corpse behind. I mean have we learned nothing from Batman's childhood!?

Besides, even if she was a little kid, that didn't me she wouldn't pull the trigger. Not only was she born in a world where kids were raised to use weapons and kill monsters, but she was also a Faunus.

That's not me being racist or anything, I honestly think it would be cool to be part animal. I mean come on, natural night vision, how cool is that!?

What I mean is that she could have been a part of the White Fang or raised by anti-human parents or something. So with all that in mind I kept a calm and even tone and explained the very important reason why I should live.

"I'M GREAT AT MULTI-TASKING AND I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT I'M REALLY SMART! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME I HAVE A WIFE AND CHILD!"

…

Okay so it wasn't even remotely calm, or even close to being a good reason to live. It did cross my mind to tell the mugger that I could see into the future or something like that, considering I know what would happen. But even in my panic I knew saying that would just sound crazy and get her to pull the trigger faster. So yeah, the excuse I gave seemed to be the best option I had.

It also somehow managed to work as she gave me a questioning look before asking,

"That's your reason? That you're a good multi-tasker and that you have a decent education?"

I just nodded my head thinking it was better to shut up and listen than talk and get shot.

She sighed at that, and I have a feeling she would have done so no matter what answer I gave.

"Look buddy I'll throw ya a bone. I won't kill you and you can even keep your lein…under one condition of course."

Her offer managed to snap me out of it. I was still scared out of my mind since she still had her gun pointed at me, but I managed to calm down enough to ask,

"What kind of offer?"

I wanted to also ask her why she suddenly went from 'kill the idiot' to 'make you an offer you can't refuse' but I also wanted to keep living so I decided to throw that question to the back of my mind.

She gave me this smug look before she said,

"Well you see, I'm in need of a lackey who can go into places I can't. As you probably noticed I'm not old enough to enter any of the more 'dangerous' shops around here. Dust stores, weapon shops, you know the usual places kids can't go into. So you will go in my place to buy all kinds of dangerous goodies."

"Why would you need an adult? You look like a teenager and I'm pretty sure you can just pass off as a student from Signal Academy or one of the other schools that train teenagers to kill monsters," I pointed out.

The mugger in turn gave me a deadpanned look before replying,

"Clearly you're new in Vale if you honestly believe it's that easy to impersonate a student from Signal. The Hunter schools hand out special ID cards to their students. The stores ask to see them so they know they're giving dangerous merchandise to actual students. I don't go to school, so I got no ID card, which means the stores won't sell to me. Get the picture?"

In hindsight, I should have realized that too, but then again having a gun pointed in your face tends to make people not think straight. For example, after her little explanation I said this,

"Okay, since I really don't have any choice in the matter I'll be your lackey. But on one condition."

Of course, the mugger with the gun just gave me a deadpanned stare again.

"Uh buddy, you do know that I'm the one with the gun here right? You don't get to have a condition. If anything, the only condition you have is your life."

She had a very valid point. I had no room to make demands or anything, you know since she had a gun and I didn't. But I was still slightly delirious from the whole starvation thing so I wasn't exactly thinking in the most logical sense at the time.

Anyway, when she said that I gulped in fear and said,

"I know I know! But hear me out! You need an adult to buy you stuff right? Well as much as I would love to do that I wouldn't be able to get within five feet of any store before getting ushered away."

She gave me a confused glare and asked,

"And why is that?"

Gulping again, I explained,

"Well you said so yourself remember? I smell like a walking corpse. There's no way I'd be let into a store of paying customers smelling like that. Plus with my dirty clothes they'd just think I was trying to rob them."

Her face took on a look of surprise to this logic.

"I…guess that would be a problem."

"Exactly! That's why you have to get me enough lien to buy a trip to the showers…and for new clothes and food as well please?"

The mugger gained a thoughtful look and her face before sighing.

"I guess I don't have much of a choice…but…"

Her thoughtful face turned into one of malice as she grabbed my shirt and pulled me up from the ground towards her face before she said angrily,

"If I find out that you spent more lien on things I didn't ask you to pay for, then they won't be able to find your body when I'm done with you. Understood?"

Since I had a drive to live I nodded my head rapidly in order to not enact the scary teenage Fanus's wrath.

And yes I know it's not very manly that I had been forced to work for a teenager considering I was older then her, but I was weak from starvation so I doubt anyone else would have done any better.

Anyway I'm getting off topic. The little menace dropped me and put her gun away. She then proceeded to throw a small pouch on me and started to leave. As she left she told me to buy her some supplies from a local dust shop and to drop them off there in that alley way in the morning.

The pouch she had given me was enough for the supplies and for what I needed; a shower, some clothes and of course food.

I picked myself up and looked back and forth from the pouch to the girl's fading figure and thought only one thing…

Just what have I gotten myself into?

For the next couple of days leading up to my reunion with Ruby I was turned into that mugger's lackey just like she said. I was also told to call her 'Foxy' which to this day I think is a fake name. She made me go to multiple dust and weapon shops and buy small things. Things like ammo, powdered dust, and throwing knives to name a few.

I would then have to drop them off at the same alley we 'met' in. She'd show up, insult me, and leave.

Now you all may think that isn't too bad since she gave me money to buy clothes and food…well you'd be wrong. You see that sly fox only gave me enough lien the first time around since that was my one condition to become her lackey. After that she decided I had enough.

Basically, the only time I ate and got a decent shower was the day I became a teenager's lackey. So all in all you can understand why I said that week was hell for me. Plus I couldn't afford to buy new clothes since I wanted to eat more, so I was still stuck wearing the same smelly and by then even more tattered clothes. I mean I got my shower, but still wearing smelly clothes doesn't help you know? Luckily the universe decided to go on break three days later…well I guess break depends on how you define the universe throwing me a bone dipped in poison.

…

…

…

What's with the look? I told you how my week was hell so why the lo-oh! I never told you all how I got kicked in the balls, slapped, and almost stabbed didn't I? Sorry about that I guess I was too caught up in the events leading up to that. I was gonna end this part of the tale here, silly me.

Anyway, the day that all went down was the day I ran into Ruby, as well as the day when my plan to avoid the plot got even more shredded.

}Line Break{

It started out as a normal day, at least normal for a man stuck buying dangerous materials for an underage street-rat and said man is from a reality where this world is a web-series…

So yeah, I had just dropped off the latest batch of goods for 'Foxy' and I was on my way back to my box. I would have gone to the library to grab more books about Remnant or the history of Vale, but I was too hungry to bother going to look up stuff.

That sucked since Vale as a real interesting past, apparently it's been the hotspot for world-changing events for the past few centuries. A bunch of wars were started and ended here, heck there have even been peace treaties and assassinations happen in this very city!

Considering what happens in Volume III I'm not that surprised, but I also can't help but feel like that crazy Salem chose Vale as the starting point just so she could continue the tradition of Vale being the center-piece of world changing events.

That or that bitch just really wanted to screw Ozpin over since he had the Fall Maidan in his school's basement, but I wouldn't be surprised if she would have still had everything happen in Vale regardless if Cinder got all the Fall Maidan's powers or not.

Anyway I'm getting off topic again.

Like I said I would have gone to the library, but I was too hungry and didn't have the urge. I only had one decent meal that week, give me a break.

I swear I thought my stomach was gonna shrivel up and turn into dust if I didn't get food into it soon, but since my 'boss' decided she liked seeing me starve…yeah…

I was starting to feel less and less energy to do things every day. The only reason I still bought the stuff Foxy told me to get was because of the whole threat of death thing.

Again not the manliest thing to say since she was a tiny teenager, but I was malnourished and way too weak to survive her if she decided to 'fire' me. So I decided to try and keep her happy till I could get enough strength back to have a decent chance to run for my life.

So as much as I wanted to pull an Aladdin and sing about it all while stealing bread I didn't feel like getting shot at or arrested, nor did I feel like I had enough energy to pull it off.

Anyway, I was super weak and starving and I didn't wanna do anything and all that jazz, so I was heading back to my box when I heard someone yell out,

"EXCUSE ME! COMING THROUGH!"

The next thing I knew a red blur shot by me and around the corner and I fell on my butt from the force of the run. Grumbling in annoyance, I had half the mind to yell at the jerk who nearly blind sided me.

But before I could, I noticed a trail of rose petals leading around the corner where the red blur went. Confused, I picked up one of the flowers and examined it.

A rose petal? Why would there be a rose petal in the middle of-wait a minute…!

It was at that moment I realized that a very fast person had just ran by and left a trail of rose petals behind. We all know that there's only one person on this planet who can do that, so we should all know why I then turned around and walked in the opposite direction.

…

…

…

Okay so we don't all know. Let me explain, you see because I had already interacted with Ruby by becoming her Dust tutor, I had already changed the story. Torchwick decided to rob Ye Old Dust Shop instead of Dust Till Dawn because of me. It was a small change, but a change none the less.

So I figured if I avoided her and the rest of the major plot characters for the rest of my life I would be able to avoid causing any more changes, big or small.

I was wrong of course, because the universe just loves breaking it's punching bag after all.

Anyway, so when I realized that it was Ruby who rushed by me I decided to get out of there before she came back.

Okay…Ruby just ran by me and hopefully didn't notice me. Let's not jinx it through and leave before she comes ba-

"CHRIS! I FOUND YOU!"

Yeah you all should have seen that coming. Apparently she saw me when she ran by but was going too fast to stop, so she had to slow down run back. Sadly for me, I didn't move fast enough and she caught up.

"God dammit universe do you want to explode?" I muttered under my breath, "Cause you keep making me interact with major characters and causing the Butterfly Effect to happen so I can only assume that's what you want."

With that rant out of the way I plastered a smile on my face before turning to Ruby and saying,

"Hey Ruby, how ya be-*urk*!"

Now that is a sound a man makes when a tiny little girl tackles him to the ground. Apparently Ruby was so happy to see me she decided to introduce my back to the sidewalk.

As I groaned in slight pain Ruby remained oblivious to my plight as she did what she did best when excited, ramble.

"Chris where have you been?! I've been looking all over for you every time I got the chance to leave Beacon since I haven't gotten a chance to thank you for tutoring me and I'm so so so so sooooooo sorry about what happened to the shop it's all my fault I should have attacked them when you threw down that awesome smoke pellet thing. Oh what was that by the way cause I figured it was something dust related but my partner Weiss said that was impossible and-"

"RUBY!" I shouted to end her spiel.

The sad look she gave me was almost enough to make me regret it. It felt like I had kicked a puppy or something. I swear that kid is too adorable for her own good sometimes.

Anyway after I got her to stop talking I calmly sighed and said,

"Look Ruby I would love to answer all your questions and catch up, but could you please get off me? People are starting to stare and laying down on concrete isn't exactly the most comfortable experience."

After I said that Ruby gave me a blank stare, likely trying to process what I just said. It took a few seconds but eventually she looked around to see all the people staring at us. This quickly caused poor Ruby to jump off me beat red while spewing out apologies like a machine gun. I grumbled slightly getting up while dusting myself off as I thought,

God dang-it why does she have to be so adorable!? It makes it so much more harder to be annoyed at her than it should and just makes me want to apologize to her over and over again!

With that thought I opened my mouth to cease her rapid-fire apologies when the voice of Barbara Dunkelman yelled out in her usual fiery tone that we all know,

"GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER YOU HOBO CREEP!"

Eye twitching, I managed to keep calm as I turned to face everybody's favorite pun-obsessed blonde.

When I first saw Yang, I will admit I was shocked. I mean she looked so…well real is the best term that I could put it. Her hair was much more life-like and she didn't look as cartoony as she did in the show. And I may or may not have stared at her chest area a bit longer than I should have, but in my defense...

…

…

…

Shu-Shut up I am not a pervert okay! Look just give me a day or two and I'll give a good excus-reason! I'll give a good reason hehehe…

Ahem, anyway as much as I wanted to go nerdy over seeing one of the most badass characters ever in front of me, I very much wanted to live. For you see if it wasn't obvious Yang was in pissed off red-eyes mode because she thought I did something to Ruby.

I still don't blame her. I mean when you see your younger sister blushing like mad while getting up from groping a dirty, and totally not a hobo guy, wouldn't you get pissed off too? I know I would, and I would probably kick that jackass in the balls before sending him off to a nearby dumpster. I would then proceed to lift the dumpster and spin it around and around till the sleaze-bag puked up what little food he had in him. I would then take him out and prepare to smash his face in with my fist only for my sister to save him last second and explain the misunderstanding.

…

Wait did I say me? I meant Yang, she did all of that too me and then some. The 'then some' being too graphic for the likes of which non-have ever seen or should see. To this day, I don't know how I survived that onslaught of torture, but let me tell you I am glad Ruby stopped her when she did. Otherwise I might not be writing this for you all.

But hey that's how I got kicked in the balls by the badass brawler blonde herself. I might have slightly blacked out too, but still, I survived.

Anyway after Ruby explained what happened Yang gave a half-hearted apology and I grumbled something that sounded like 'Wtefw rewfaw fewwa' but meant 'screw you ya blonde bimbo.'

With that said Ruby decided to take me and Yang to a nearby ice-cream shop to make up for the beat down. Yang was hesitant but I jumped on immediately since I needed food and I figured I was already this far down the rabbit hole that there's no way it could get worse.

I was wrong, naturally.

}Line Break{

We ate at some ice cream shop near the red-light district. I didn't get the name of it then since being kicked in the balls and beaten up tends to make one forget some details, but I would later find out (or remember depending on who you ask) that the place was called Sweet Sweet Ice Cream. The place wasn't too bad, kinda looked like a 70's diner on the inside.

How an ice cream shop on Remnat can look like an American 70's diner I have no clue, but it did give it a homey feeling for me. I always enjoyed going to places that were decorated like the past decades, made me feel like I was there ya know?

Anyway Ruby had a cookie dough cone (and yes it was as adorable as it sounds), Yang had some banana split and I had a chocolate milkshake because a milkshake will always beat ice cream any-day!

We had been talking for a while and by 'we' I mean Ruby and Yang since I was still recovering from the assault on my manhood and entire body. After introducing me to Yang (even though I knew more about her then she did, it was still awkward being introduce to someone you technically know) they talked for a while about some random Hunter stuff that I couldn't care less about, but eventually I had to stop my sulkin-I mean focus on my recovery when Yang asked Ruby (in a poor attempt of whispering),

"So Ruby, who's this hobo guy anyway? I know I wanted you to make some friends but not some dirty slob off the street. I mean isn't Beacon a big enough place for you to look?"

Ruby gained an angry pout from this and was going to retort but I beat her too it with a grumble of,

"I'm not a hobo dammit…"

It may have come out at a slightly higher pitch than normal, but it still got the point across. Or at the very least Yang heard me since she started laughing.

"Bwahahaha! You're not a hobo!? Dude your clothes smell terrible and have holes all over the place. Not to mention you must have been starving considering you're on your fifth milkshake."

Having recovered decently enough, I grumbled in anger and gripped my milkshake like a life-line as I compla-retorted,

"I'm not a hobo! I just happen to be very hungry and my clothes are only this bad because I'm low on funds is all!"

Yang just gave me a doubtful look as Ruby said,

"But don't you live in a box since you went bankru-"

"RUBY!"

This little knowledge slip and my outburst just caused Yang to laugh again.

"Bwahahahaha! Oh you are clearly not a hobo Mr. Boxman! Hopefully you don't have to put your box on sale for not paying any bills, that would just be terrible!"

Groaning into my milkshake, I hoped for the mocking to end, but it looked like Yang had one more trick up her sleeve.

"Ah come on Mr. Boxman, don't tell me you're Card-Bored already?"

Now, let it be known what I did next would lead to many, many problems. I mean most of my bad luck can be contributed to this moment. For you see while Ruby just groaned at the pun, I laughed.

…

…

…

What? I like puns okay! Good or bad a pun is a pun and they are all funny!

Anyway, both Ruby and Yang's face became blank as I laughed. After a few moments of awkward silence Yang looked over to Ruby and said,

"Ruby, I changed my mind. You can be friends with the hobo. In fact I will allow you to be best-friends with him. Do not let this one get away, understand?!"

While Ruby just looked at her sister in a mix of confusion and I think understanding I had enough of being called a hobo as I slammed my milkshake down and said.

"God dammit I am not a bloody hobo! My name is Chris 'Joker' Sullivan and I a-was Ruby's dust tutor! Now will you please get off my back?!"

Yang looked at me in shock and it looked like she was about to say something, but before she could an ever-recognizable snobby voice yelled out,

"YOU'RE RUBY'S DUST TUTOR!?"

Oh god not another one! I internally groaned.

Apparently Yang had texted Blake and Weiss to meet up with her and Ruby at the ice cream shop and sadly for me they walked in to me yelling at their friend. They were right behind me, and I hadn't noticed due to my freak out. Ruby had a look of excitement on her face while Yang looked annoyed at being interrupted, so I plastered on a look of surprise. Turning around, I had to act like I didn't know the two as I replied,

"Uh…yes I am. At least I was for couple of weeks when she was at Signal. Who are you two?"

Blake just ignored me and sat down next to Yang while reading one of her books. Weiss on the other hand got an annoyed look as she asked,

"You don't know who I am? I find that highly doubtful."

Now I know I should have just said her name and how she was a Schnee and all that jazz. But I decided to have some fun. My thinking was that if the universe was gonna screw me over by having all of team RWBY show up and ruin my day then I might as well seem as unlikable as possible to make sure they didn't try and find me later.

With that plan in mind I said,

"Uh…you look like a spoiled princess with an inferiority complex who also has a stick so far up her ass that it would take the world's most powerful microscope just to find the beginning of it."

There was a snort from Yang and muffled laughter from Ruby. I think Blake might have smiled but it was hard to tell since she was reading her book. Weiss on the other hand was bright red in anger as she said with barely contained rage,

"Why I never! I am Weiss Schnee, heiress to the Schnee Dust Company!"

I faked a look of realization as I borrowed a line from the show.

"Oh, you mean the same company infamous for its controversial labor forces and questionable business partners? Must be real proud of that background princess."

I heard Yang whisper 'ouch, burn' but most of my focus was on Weiss at the time. She was super red faced and looked like she was about to explode, but before she did she took a deep breath and said,

"I'll have you know tha-"

This is where I did something really stupid. I interrupted Weiss's tangent before it could begin.

"Flat chest says what?"

"What?" she responded immediately. I didn't think it would work, but Weiss proved me wrong.

This is where Yang began to laugh very loudly at the Ice Queen's mess up, and I'm pretty sure Blake chuckled too, but again, book in the way.

Of course, angering a Schnee usually ends with someone getting hurt, as evident when Weiss slapped me across the face before huffing and walking away. Sure it stung, but compared to the beat down I'd gotten from Yang earlier, it was a cake walk, so I just shrugged and went back to my shake.

Yeah go on Blanco, get you some ice cream for that burn, I thought vindictively.

Oh if you're all wondering why she was so mad at me in the first place, it's because of my Steam Dust pellets. She was all mad because she thought I made them up and was tricking Ruby by giving her false Dust information. But trust me when I say that I'd prove Weiss wrong soon, and it'd be one of my greatest accomplishments since being stuck on this world.

Anyway, back to me being slapped, or what I did after being slapped.

I went back to drinking my shake as Yang's laughter finally came to an end.

"Oh Chris buddy, I knew you must have had a pair on you."

"After earlier, I'm not so sure anymore," I snarked back.

This got her to chuckle again as she continued her thought,

"I'm sure they're still there. Heck, not only did you kick Vale's most wanted criminal in the balls, but now you call out the Ice Queen and make her mad enough to slap ya! Oh you must be a special kind of ballsy huh?"

I chuckled slightly at that.

"Oh I'm not, I just don't like rich snobs. They think they know better than everyone else cause they're rich, but they don't know nothing. I've lived on the streets longer than those jerks have lived in a single penthouse. Sometimes it takes a man on the streets to bring them down a peg so they can see how the poor life is."

Now this is technically a lie. I have a dislike for snobs sure, but that wasn't why I said all that stuff to Weiss. I really said all that just to piss off Weiss to get her and the others to leave. I figured if I insulted one of their own they get pissed off at me and leave. Sadly, I was thinking of near end of Volume II RWBY, they were a lot closer during that then when they first met so it didn't really have the effect I wanted.

But I still got to piss off Weiss in the end, so hey a win's a win.

}Line Break{

The rest of the day would go by with me, Yang, and Ruby chatting about what happened at Ye Olden Dust Shop while Blake and Weiss ignored us (one reading and the other still pissed off, guess who). Eventually it started getting late and the team was leaving.

I was happy for this for two reasons.

One, them leaving meant no more interacting with them. No more interacting with them meant no more chances of the Butterfly Effect happening and causing Vale to be breached early or something like that.

The second reason was that I had just finished my twentieth milkshake and I was starting to feel the effects of eating, well drinking in this case, too much after starving for so long. I didn't want to stick around any longer to be labeled 'Vomit Boy 2.0' so them leaving saved me from that.

Good thing I took advantage of their tab.

Anyway, back to them leaving. Yang had just left and Ruby was about to join her, but I noticed a conflicting look on her face. Against my better judgment to stay out of their problems and avoid the plot I got drawn in by the adorableness that is Ruby so I ended up asking,

"Hey Ruby, what's wrong?"

She jumped slightly at my question before she turned to me and said,

"Well…you know how Ye Olden Dust Shop blew up and you don't have a job anymore because of it?"

"Well yeah," I nodded slowly, "I mean until Old Man Fuller gets back in a few weeks to pay for damages and then a few more weeks waiting for the store to be rebuilt."

Ruby nodded her head at that before she said,

"And remember how it was sorta kinda my fault that you lost your place of work in the first place?"

"Ruby it wasn't your fault. You were stuck in a hostage situation and couldn't fight back unless you wanted to inadvertently cause a bigger dust explosion then what happened," I said with a roll of my eyes.

This didn't appear to convince her through as she continued,

"Well even so, I felt guilty so I decided to talk with the headmaster at my school to see if there were any job offerings for you. I figured you could be a teacher or something since you know so much about dust!"

While Ruby's face glowed in excitement, mine did the opposite as I thought about where Ruby was going with this. Working at Beacon was a sure-fire way to getting involved with the plot, as well as getting closer to Ozpin, the one man who could probably figure my entire situation out and use me as a pawn in his little chess game.

Of course, I couldn't exactly voice all this as Ruby's excited face kept me from saying anything as she continued,

"But he said you need some sort of 'teaching degree' or something. Which I don't get since you're a great tutor and you shouldn't need a degree to prove it. Anyway, he did say that there was a janitor position open and that he'd be glad to let you work at the school! All you have to do is show up for an interview before the end of the month!"

I looked at Ruby's bright eyes filled with hope and tried very hard to say no, but all that came out was,

"Gre…great! I'll check it out when I can. Thanks Ruby."

She proceeded to give me the most adorable smile ever and gave me enough lien (from the ever-thoughtful Ozpin) to board a Bullhead to Beacon before running off. After I was sure she was gone I let out a sigh and began to leave myself.

Don't get me wrong, I was grateful that Ruby would go so far to make sure I didn't have to live so poorly anymore. It was just that there was a major risk taking a job at the hotspot for all things plot related and I didn't know if it was a good idea or not.

On one hand, I could afford to eat, shower, and buy new clothes and not have to work for a mean fox girl anymore. On the other I ran into the chance of upsetting the timeline even more and causing drastic changes to the future of the and the characters at Beacon.

That's what was going through my mind as the 'almost stabbed' part of that week happened. It seemed the universe didn't like me trying to make my own decisions so it decided to chuck a dagger right next to my head on my way back to my box.

I of course ducked and screamed proudly like a man should as I felt the blade barely miss my skull. I looked around trying to see who threw it, and then that's when another knife almost hit my head…and another….and another.

So I ran for my life as a hail of knives started to embed themselves in the wall where my head would be. I of course kept a calm head throughout all of this…

"OH DEAR GOD SOMEONE HELP ME! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE MY HEAD IMPALED ONTO THE WALL! OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!"

Yep…completely calm.

Anyway this went on for awhile till it stopped suddenly, and by suddenly I mean it. One minute knives were being thrown at me the next nothing. That did not stop me from running away screaming all the way to my box, which I proceeded to hide in for the rest of the night.

I wouldn't find out till later that some White Fang jackass who was on patrol for incoming dust shipments near the red-light district had seen me during his patrol and decided that I'd make easy target practice after the team of Huntresses-In-Training were gone. The grunt got bored eventually and left me alone, apparently I was too much work.

That and the douchebag ran out of knives to fling at me and decided to cut his losses.

When I later encountered that grunt, let's just say I had my revenge, but that comes later. I eventually passed out, and when I woke up the next day I decided to make a very stupid decision…

It's just a janitor position, how bad can things turn out?

Like all my thoughts, I would later come to regret that.

The next day I boarded the next flight to Beacon, that is after getting into an argument with the Bullhead attendant. When purchasing the ticket I had to convince the jerk that I indeed had money and how it wasn't stolen, and how I was NOT a hobo. But anyway, I was away from the streets, my box, and the menacing Foxy, whom I hoped to never see again.

When the Bullhead landed at Beacon I will admit that I was awed. You think the school looks awesome on a screen, then you should have seen it up close and personal. It was so…majestic is the best word I can think of. I swear I thought I was seeing things with just how beautiful the whole place is.

Of course I had gotten so lost in thought that I ended up bumping into someone. The person didn't budge an inch yet I got forced a good couple steps back. I chuckled nervously and was about to say something when the person spoke,

"What is a hobo doing on campus?"

I froze in pure fear from the voice. Not because it sounded intimidating or threatening, through it did help in making me want to run and hide. It sounded strict, yet with some sort of hidden malice behind it at the same time. No, I froze in fear because I recognized the voice, and the person it belonged to. I slowly looked at the person who I ran into…

And I will admit I may have audibly gulped at the sight before me. For standing in front of me, staring with their amber eyes, was the most hated character in the fandom.

Cinder, God Damn, Falls.

…

…

…

Oh god I'm screwed! I mentally screamed.

Looking back at it now…I can't help but agree with that thought.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

There were many many many many many reasons why I wanted to scream in a very unmanly way, hijack the Bullhead that brought me to Beacon and fly to the nearest deserted island to live out my days as a hermit.

Most of those reasons all came from the fact that I had run into Cinder freaking Fall who was giving me a glare ever since I had bumped into her.

Logically she was probably just annoyed that some guy, who just so happened to look like a hobo and totally wasn’t one, had just ran into her. The fact that she asked me what I was doing there can prove that.

But you see, I was a little distracted at the time because I was thinking of all the painful ways I was about to die and how most of them involved fire. I mean can you really blame me considering just who I had run into?

This was the woman who would bring the fall of Beacon in a few months if I had the timeline right. This was the woman who would cause a breach in Vale that would cause thousands of innocent civilian deaths at the hands of the Grimm and could care less about it.

For the love of God people, this was the women who literally turned Pyrrha to ash! After shooting her with a god damn fire arrow! So excuse me for wanting to run for the hills the moment I saw her.

Now somewhere in my panic induced mind I had another realization. Not only did I bump into Cinder, but she was at Beacon! She wasn’t supposed to sneak into Beacon until the Vytal Festival, but there she was glaring at me months before it.

After I made this realization, my panic began to sky rocket. My eye started to twitch madly as I figured that there was no way Cinder being here early was good. In fact I think my exact thoughts were,

WHY THE HELL IS SHE HERE NOW!? This is soooooo not good! The only reason she would show up at Beacon early is because her plans are coming together faster than in the show! How is this even possible!? Don’t tell me the universe decided to screw the entire world over just because I had some ice-cream with RWBY!?

Yeah, not good. I mean it made sense at the time. Cinder only showed up at Beacon because her plans were coming together and she needed to get rid of whoever was to inherit the Fall Maiden’s powers so she could claim them for herself.

So, her being at Beacon then meant all of that was happening much faster. Which means I not only put Pyrrha into danger faster, but I somehow managed to cause the Breach to happen sooner than before!

While these scenarios danced in my head and my mind slowly fell down the pit of insanity, Cinder apparently had enough of the silent treatment.

“Did you hear me? What is a hobo like you doing on campus?”

I was so caught up in my panic induced thoughts that the only words I registered were ‘you’ and ‘hobo.’ Needless to say, I reacted as expected.

“I’m not a hobo! I just decided to wear some damaged clothes today!”

Of course, as soon as I said that I remembered just who I was talking to. When I did I wanted to cry and smash my head against something hard for the stupidity it had made me do. Of course that would only happen if Cinder decided I didn’t need to be ash at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew she couldn’t kill me right then and there. It would look pretty suspicious if someone caught her with a charred corpse on campus, but that didn’t mean she could just dispose of me when I was back in Vale, or even better have one of her groupies kill me and hide the body on campus.

But surprisingly Cinder’s glare did not deepen, in fact her eyes widened slightly, and by slightly I mean for a micro-second before they went back to being a glare. After a tense, brief moment of silence in which I was mentally writing my will, she just sighed in annoyance and said,

“My mistake then, but you still haven’t answered my question. Why are you here when you are clearly not a student or part of the faculty?”

“What about you? You look too old to be a student here, how do I know you’re not just some pilot trying to hassle me after landing,” I replied.

…

…

…

Now I know what you’re all thinking. Something along the lines of “you must have some sort of death wish for insulting the women who would bring an end to Beacon” right? But you see, me insulting her was a part of my plan to survive!

Now I know that doesn’t make any sense, but let me explain before you claim that I need to be put into an Asylum or something. Too many people have claimed that and it gets old real fast. Remember a while back when I said I had a stupid amount of natural paranoia which only increased with the Butterfly Effect hanging over my head?

Also remember when I said I’m always making plans, then backup plans for those plans, then backup backup plans due to said paranoia? Well this was one of those plans.

You see I figured with my luck I would end up running into Cinder one way or another. Either I would run into her during the Breach or I would stumble onto her when she was scheming or something. The universe hates me, so I figured it was a possibility, and lo and behold I was right. So with that in mind I planned out the best way to survive an encounter with her with at least three of my limbs intact.

And just what was this brilliant plan you may ask? It was simple really, all I had to do was show no fear or hesitation around her. Now you may be thinking that it would be a better idea to show that I was afraid of Cinder, but you would be wrong.

If there’s one thing I learned from binge watching RWBY far too many times for my own good, it’s that Cinder loves it when people cower before her. She loves the feeling of being the most powerful person in the room and having people serve her out of fear rather than respect. Fear is what gives Cinder her power, that and how good she is at manipulating others.

With this in mind I decided that if I didn’t show her fear, then one of two things would happen. She would either see though my plan and just write me off as someone trying to look cool, or she would decide that I was hiding something and needed to be taken care of.

Obviously I preferred the former rather than the latter, and yes I know that this whole plan was a major gamble on my part. There were so many things that could go wrong, not to mention the fact that I was terrible at hiding my fear. In fact, I had to focus really hard to just keep my body from not trembling in terror.

However, despite all that, my plan worked. A little too well to be honest considering all the stuff that happened later, but hey I survived in the end so a win’s a win.

Anyway, now that we have that little explanation out of the way, let’s get back to my struggle to survive by not saying anything stupid, shall we? There was a couple of seconds of silence after my gamble before she responded,

“I’m the Politics and Kingdom Relations teacher here at Beacon, now will you tell me why you’re here or are you going to ask me my gender too?”

That last part immediately reminded me of how I asked Roman that exact question before kicking him in the gonads. With that in mind I wisely decided to back down and not have my balls destroyed…again.

Also, I sadly had to ignore the fact that Cinder of all people was teaching politics at that moment in the name of self-preservation, but I did file it away to make jokes about it to be used at a later date.

“N-no mam! My name’s Chris Sullivan and I’m here to see the Headmaster about a job opening.”

She gave me a suspicious glare (abet barely noticeable from her usual one) as she asked,

“Oh really? I don’t remember Ozpin mentioning any job openings at the last teacher’s conference. What’s the job?”

Chuckling nervously, I answered,

“It’s a janitor job Ms. An acquaintance of mine recommended me and I needed a job so…yeah.”

I’m pretty sure Cinder actually lost her glare and gained a doubtful expression for at least a second before it returned with a vengeance. 

“I…see. Well if that’s the case you wouldn’t mind me escorting you to his office then? Make sure you don’t try to do anything that could cause harm to the school and its students. You understand I’m sure?”

“Pot meet kettle, it says you’re black…” I didn’t actually say this since I didn’t want to alert the highly dangerous criminal that I knew she was a highly dangerous criminal, even though the timing would have been perfect. No, in reality what I wisely said instead was,

“Thanks lady but I think I can find his office myself, it’s at the top of the huge tower, right?”

A surprised look actually adorned her face for a few seconds at that declaration.

“Yes...how do you know that?”

“It’s one of the oldest clichés in the book. The big boss is always in the highest tower, you really need to get out more if you don’t even know that,” I explained since saying that I saw it from my laptop screen a few dozen times and practically memorized the layout of the entire school wasn’t an option.

Once again, I was surprised at how easily Cinder gets annoyed when her eye twitched slightly. In fear of my knees buckling from being around her for too long I quickly began to walk away while lazily waving my hand behind me as I said,

“Welp thanks for the talk Cindy, but I need to get going. Oh and work on smiling, you’re gonna scare every guy off if you only glare at them.”

Thankfully before Cinder could say anything in retaliation I turned a corner and was out of her sight. Of course, as soon as I did I lost my cool facade and leaned onto the wall for support as all my pent up fear started rushing back to me.

“Oh…oh god I can’t believe I just mouthed off to Cinder Fall and lived. I…I can never sleep again…or be alone in public…or alone at all for the rest of my life. I’m…I’m a dead man walking hehehehe…” I muttered, falling into insanity once more. And again, I don’t belong in a dang asylum, falling into insanity doesn’t mean you’re permanently insane!

But yeah, even though it was my plan all along, actually mouthing off to her had taken a lot of effort, and my body was paying for it with the shakes. So focused was I on steadying my body and mind, I didn’t notice the incredible source of heat coming from behind me until a scorching hot hand touched my shoulder.

Crap! My Gamble Failed! I’m so freaking dead! I screamed in my mind as my shoulder felt like it was melting.

As painful as it was, I only let out a quiet hiss of pain because I figured that if she was going to end me right then and there, then I was gonna go out with a straight face…and maybe get a desperate punch in before the end.

Either way I would get the last laugh before I died, so I figured why the hell not?

But imagine my surprise when instead of burning me to a crisp Cinder instead walked to my side and gave me a menacing glare.

“Mr. Sullivan I would appreciate it if you did not make jokes at my expense. If we are to be future co-workers, we should start off our relationship on a positive note after all. I also must insist that I go with you to the Headmaster’s office. Wouldn’t want anything…bad to happen to you on your way there would we?”

I knew I was beat, and I very well didn’t want my shoulder melting, so I just sighed and nodded my head in reluctance. I swear I could feel the smugness rolling off her as she gave that glare.

“There, was that so hard Mr. Sullivan? This would have been so much easier if you had just decided to agree with me from the beginning.”

I decided to ignore the threatening undertone of her comment as I stiffly began to walk with her towards Ozpin’s office. To make the situation worse she never bothered to remove her hand from my shoulder, so I was getting extra crispy the entire walk there.

I ignored it to the best of my abilities, but the longer I did I swear the hotter my shoulder got.

Thankfully Cinder didn’t seem to be in the mood to talk so we walked the whole way in silence.

When we eventually got into the tower and stood in front of the elevator leading to Ozpin’s office Cinder finally let go of my shoulder.

Say what you will about her, but she knows how to hide her work. There wasn’t a single burn mark on my shoulder, even though it felt bathed in fire. Stifling a sudden urge to jump for joy, I called the elevator down and gave Cinder a small nod of thanks. This served to cause her to have an…intrigued look to come across her eyes, which promptly caused me to internally scream.

Anything that caught that mad woman’s attention was bad news.

Thankfully before anything could happen the elevator doors opened and I rushed in while practically slamming my finger down on the button.

As the elevator doors began to close I swear I saw Cinder’s lips twitch upwards slightly.

“Good luck with the interview Mr. Sullivan.”

I just stiffly nodded my head and kept a straight face as the doors closed. As soon as they did I gripped my shoulder and let out a sharp gasp of pain.

“Son of a bitch! I thought my shoulder was gonna melt off or catch aflame! I knew that lady was messed up but god damn it this hurts like hell!”

Okay, maybe gasp isn’t the right word, but come on, that evil bitch made my skin feel like it was on a stove top. I continued moaning, and cursing whatever deity decided that the universe needed help in torturing me for a few minutes before calming done as the pain slowly left me. I decided then and there to never let Cinder get into my personal space ever again, no matter what!  I wanted to avoid looking like an extra crispy tanner thank you very much.

After that I began to plan out by battle plan for dealing with Ozpin.

…

…

…

What? You’ve all seen the show. You all know just how manipulative that old bastard can get. I was not about to become another one of his pawns for his little chess game with Salem. I would try and get the job, since I desperately needed the cash (and totally not because I was afraid of Ruby cornering me and giving me a disappointed look that would rack me with so much guilt I would die, totally not the real reason why I assure you), but there was no way in hell that I was gonna get wrapped up with Ozpin and his cronies.

I mean it was bad enough that I was tempting the Butterfly Effect by staying in the center of the plot in the first place, I was not about to dig myself a deeper grave thank you very much!

Besides, I did not need my life ending up like that one character from that My Turn fic. I did not need that in my life.

…

…

…

You know it just occurred to me that I’ll never see the end of that fic now. Or any of the other stories I followed when I read fanfiction (there’s no shame in that dammit! There just stories using characters that aren’t yours is all!).

…

OH SON OF A BI-

}Line Break{

Ahem…sorry about that. Now where was I?…Oh yeah!

After a few more minutes on the elevator (which had some surprisingly catchy elevator music that didn’t make me want to bash my head against a wall) I finally arrived at my destination.

The doors open to reveal the ever-iconic room that was Ozpin’s office.

Man, I thought this place looked awesome before! It really is like stepping into the inside of a clock…jeeze there’s even tick-tock sounds all over the place! I mentally fangasmed.

I would have analyzed the room more if I didn’t remember why I was here. That reminder came in the form of Ozpin himself sitting at his desk with Goodwitch behind him at the end of the room.

In front of them was a lone chair, which I could only assume was meant for me. Gulping nervously, I made my way over to the chair. Extremely nervous, I tried to not stare at either of them but whenever I took a glance, it was always the same expression.

Ozpin had a look of pure and utter calm on as usual, as did Glynda, but I swore I saw some anger behind her eyes. I promptly decided to ignore it as I didn’t feel like being flung out of the room and falling to my death.

Anyway, I sat down on the chair and tried to get into a calm position. I don’t think I did that good of a job to be honest, but I couldn’t tell as the always blank face of Ozpin did not help.

After a few moments of silence, I decided to try and break the silence.

“So…lovely weather we’re having today, right?”

That…got no reaction out of them. At all.

Ge-geeze tough crowd! At least glare at me or something for the terrible ice breaker! I mean come on just staring at me is creepy as all he-

Before I could finish my thought, Ozpin took a sip of his ever-present coffee before saying,

“Yes it is. Hopefully it’ll be like this for the rest of the week. The students always seem to do better during combat class when they aren’t fighting in the rain. Isn’t that right Ms. Goodwitch?”

Glynda just nodded her head at this.

If this is your attempt of calming me down then it’s not working! At least have some emotion on your face when you talk dude!

My thought went unheard as expected as Ozpin took another sip of his coffee before saying in his annoyingly calm tone,

“I must say I’m surprised Mr. Sullivan. Given our last interaction I would assume you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

“Hahahahah what!? What could have possibly given you that idea?” I chuckled nervously.

Ozpin just continued with his blank look as he continued,

“Your response to me reading out your profile aside, I do recall you grumbling something along the line of ‘damn annoying manipulative old man’ as you left the station.”

Yeah…I may have left that part out of my little recap of the shop robbery.

You see I had been a little more annoyed at Ozpin for telling Ruby my fake backstory than I let on, and I may or may not have stormed out of there grumbling a bunch of insults at said man when they let me go.

…

…

…

Okay in my defense that was a really bad day for me! I mean my workplace got blown to shreds with all my food and clothes in it, and I almost died. I was allowed to be annoyed at an old man if I wanted to dang it!

Anyway, I tried to keep the surprise off my face when he said that as I quickly tried to cover my mess up.

“Oh I wasn’t talking about you! Hehe, I was talking about that douche who robbed me! I mean I know mister fancy-pants may look young but I was betting he was pretty old. He got my place of work blown up and all that. Hehehehehe…”

Nailed it

Yeah…I did not ‘nail it’ as my mind claimed, but I guessed it worked out in the end.

“Ah…I see. Well sorry about that misunderstanding,” he said in his usual blank tone.

“It’s fine. Happens to everybody right?”

“Indeed,” he nodded, “Now then I suppose we should get along to the point as to why you’re here. I assume Ms. Rose managed to finally hunt you down correct?”

“Yeah, she and her sister ran into me. After an…interesting meeting with her sister w-“

I was cut off when Ozpin actually freaking chuckled, which took me aback.

“Oh yes. The ‘Accidental Ball-Busting’ Ms. Xiao Long told me about,” he replied with a smirk.

“That was no accident! That she-devil almost killed me over a simple misunderstanding!” I snapped.

This simply made Ozpin raise his eyebrow as if to give me an ‘are you sure’ look. I just huffed in annoyance.

Figures my misfortune is what makes this jerk wad show emotion. Stupid troll. And why in hell would she tell him about that? What possible purpose other than to torment me?! I mentally anguished.

“Anyway,” I began, trying to get back on track, “after that totally not an accident event happened we went to get some ice-cream. The rest of her team showed up and I-"

“Proceeded to embarrassed Ms. Schnee by using some ‘sick burns’ and making her indirectly call herself a ‘flat chest.’ I do believe she slapped you after that.”

While I was silently cursing Ozpin with everything I could think of, Goodwitch proceeded to glare at me while silently bringing up her riding crop in a threatening manner.

I (wisely) decided to end my cursing of Ozpin and speed up the conversation before Goodwitch could do anything.

“Sir if you already know all this then you clearly must know why I’m here,” I grumbled.

Thankfully that seemed to do the trick as Ozpin regained his look of no emotion before clearing his throat.

“Ah yes, I just wanted to validate that the information my students gave me. Judging by your reactions I’d say they were spot on. Now onto the matter of your janitorial job…”

He then proceeded to reach his hand under his desk. When he brought his hands back out he was holding…

A chess set.

Oh god danmmit!

“Now, Glynda and I will proceed to ask you a series of questions to see if you’re qualified for the job.”

“And the chess set sir?” I asked, glaring at the damn annoying thing.

“Merely to pass the time while we talk Mr. Sullivan,” he answered with a glint in his eye. “I always found that chess was a good way to judge a person’s character. So with this and the questionnaire, we’d be able to kill two birds with one stone.”

I wanted to call him out on his bull-shit right then and there. I knew the real reason he wanted me to play chess. He didn’t want to use it to pass the time at all.

No…he was gonna use it to analyze me, to judge me if I was a threat or not. Because Ozpin wasn’t lying when he said chess is a good way to judge a character.

It gives you an insight into how your opponent’s mind works. How willing they were to take risk by how much they put their pieces up for grabs. How patient one is by how long they take to make a move.

If they were a strategizing genius, or just a dullard…and if they could be used on the battlefield.

Anyway, like I said I wanted to call him out on his BS, but I went against my better judgment with the angry lady in the room.

“Uh…sure. I used to play on my school’s chess team so I know a thing or two, but you are older than me. They say wisdom and patience comes with age after all.”

Ah…getting a crack at Ozpin’s age still feels good to this day. I would make plenty of more cracks later, but this one still holds a special place in my heart.

But yeah, my little jab didn’t have an effect on Ozpin, but it seemed to effect Glynda pretty hard as her eye began to twitch angrily. But before she could do anything Ozpin simply held his hand up, and she backed down almost immediately.

She would continue to glare at me for the rest of the day and week, but it was totally worth it.

I won’t go into too much detail on the interview/chess match. The questions were the standard ‘any past experience/criminal record’ kind of stuff. The match however was close as Ozpin (the white pieces) and me (the black ones) went at it and came down to a victory for Ozpin.

But I was close I tells ya! I was close!                            

Anyway, for those interested in how Ozpin beat me he managed to corner my king with his rook and queen, while all I had was a rook and knight trying to checkmate him. But he had the lead and got me first.

And I know you’re all gonna make a big deal out of me almost beating Ozpin in chess of all things, but I had a feeling he wasn’t going all out. The only reason he had the game was to analyze me after all, so there wasn’t a real reason for him to put all his effort in.

At least that’s the best reason I can come up with.

So yeah, after he won there was a few minutes of silence before Ozpin took a sip of his coffee and said,

“Well Mr. Sullivan I must say I had my doubts about you, but after this I do believe that you are perfect for the job.”

Gee, way to make janitorial work sound so important Ozzy. Almost makes me forget how much it’s gonna suck to clean up all the puke from Vomit-Boy. Almost.

Ozpin stretched out his hand before he continued,

“Welcome to Beacon.”

I couldn’t keep the smile off my face as I stood up and shook his hand while saying,

“It’s a pleasure to be here sir.”

After our handshake, Ozpin sat back down and took another sip of his coffee before he said,

“Well I think it’s best to let you get to work right away. Glynda if you could please escort our new janitor to the Maintenance Room so he may grab his equipment and uniform.”

Goodwitch nodded her head at this and began to head for the elevator. I started to follow her, but as I started to get on the elevator Ozpin called out,

“Oh, one more thing Mr. Sullivan.”

I felt some dread when he called out to me. I mean it’s never good when the character who just got hired’s boss has one final word to give them. Usually it’s a 50/50 if it’s good or bad advice, but I figured with my luck so far it would be the latter.

So with reluctance, and ignoring the idea to just pretend I didn’t hear him, I turned my head back to Ozpin.

“Yes, sir?”

Then Ozpin did the unthinkable. The old bastard gave me a smile! Not just any smile mind you, he gave me one of those smiles that a grandfather usually gives to their grandkid when they do something they liked.

So basically, the old-man I just met was giving me a grandfatherly smile, which is totally not creepy. Not at all…if you couldn’t tell, that was sarcasm. It was creepy as all hell! I just met the guy after all. Maybe given a few months with him then I’d have found it only slightly creepy, but right off the bat it was pure creepiness people.

So yeah, he…THAT, and said,

“My office is always open if you need any help, and I wouldn’t mind having another match against you. This match was very…interesting and I’d like to try my hand against you again.”

Plastering on a smile as I replied,

“Sure thing old man. But I’m warning ya, next time you’re going down.”

On the inside, however, I couldn’t help but think,

Geeze old timer! Isn’t analyzing me once good enough for ya?! I swear if the next match has Ironwood there I am soooo quitting!

Ozpin just kept that smile on his face as he nodded. From that I assumed that was all and I got on the elevator with Goodwitch. She sent me a not-so-subtle glare for my comment on Ozpin’s age, and the elevator ride down was one of silence…minus the catchy elevator music that is.

}Line Break{

To say that the walk to the Maintenance Room was awkward would be an understatement. Goodwitch glared at me the entire walk there. And trust me when I say having Goodwitch glaring at you is almost as scary as Cinder glaring at you.

Since I dealt with both of them in the span of a morning, I could honestly say they were equally terrifying. The fact that one of them could burn me to death while the other could lift me up with BS telekinesis powers did not help down-play the terror I felt.

I mean you’d figure I’d be more relaxed with Goodwitch’s glare than with Cinder’s, she is one of the good guys after all.

Well if you figured that, you’re dead wrong.

You see the fanfics weren’t wrong with depicting Goodwitch as a woman who has an aura that just makes everyone around her want to cower in fear if they got on her bad side. To make matters worse I just knew she was gonna lecture me, so the fact that it hadn’t happened yet was not doing well for my psyche.

But thankfully the mental torture ended when we arrived at the Maintenance Room door. “How did I know this?” you ask considering it was never showed in the show? Well that is quiet simple my friends, there was a huge ass sign above the door that stated, in bold, that this door was the Maintenance Room.

Leave it to Ozpin to make a simple Maintenance Room entrance to be all flashy and out there, I thought as I chuckled nervously.

With that thought I turned towards Goodwitch and was about to thank her for the escort when she beat me to it.

“Here we are Mr. Sullivan. This will be your place of work during your time at Beacon. You shall arrive here in the morning, grab your equipment and uniform, and then proceed to do rounds around the building. More detailed information shall be provided to you via the Scroll among your equipment.”

Now that got me out of my funk of being terrified. My own Scroll! The one thing I thought I’d never get while I was stuck here due to low funds.

I mean, why wouldn’t I be excited? Putting aside the fact that it is literally a smart phone made with far more advanced technology, there’s also all the information I could look up! I mean a library is useful and all for historical information, but not about recent trends or news.

With a Scroll I would be able to access this world’s version of the internet, and with that all the recent news, trends, and events that a library wouldn’t have. Not to mention the fact that I’d finally be able to read fanfiction again!

…

…

…

What? I missed reading cheesy fanfiction okay! It sucks that I wasn’t able to read any RWBY fanfiction anymore (for obvious reasons), but surely I could read other kinds of fanfiction right? This world had stuff like Pokémon and even Halo (saw a few games for sale at a store I went to for Foxy) so surely there was fanfiction!

Look I know it’s pathetic but let a man have something for once in a world were literally none of his past hobbies exist, or are even accessible to him.

Anyway, with a wide smile on my face I began to open the door for the Maintenance Room, but it was rudely slammed shut thanks to some strange unseen force.

Oh right. She hasn’t lectured/threatened me yet, I thought wearily as I turned around.

Sure enough Goodwitch was glaring at me with her little riding crop slightly pointed at the door.

I would have groaned in annoyance if it weren’t for the terrifying look she was giving me.

“Now I don’t mean to be rude Mr. Sullivan, but I must remind you that you are now a part of Beacon’s staff. While your position in it is not so noteworthy as a teacher, it still is a part of Beacon. You now represent Beacon, and with that you should make sure not to do anything that will damage our school’s reputation. That includes making remarks against your fellow faculty. Do I make myself clear?”

I shook my head up and down as fast as I could to avoid Goodwitch’s wrath. I did not feel like being thrown out of a window thank you very much!

My panicking nod must have been enough for her as she nodded and left. It would take a few more seconds after that before I let out a sigh of relief for not being flung around like a ragdoll.

However, in the midst of my relief a voice spoke behind me,

“Dang man! First day on the job and you’re already on Goodwitch’s shit list. Tough break man.”

Ah, now there was a voice that I did not want to hear…Funny how that kept happening in the span of a few hours. I kept a calm expression while panicking on the inside as I turned around to face the owner of that voice.

Now while she might have looked like an average tanned skin burnet woman with blue eyes wearing a Beacon janitor jumpsuit, in reality she was everyone's favorite illusionist, Emerald.

How did I know? I recognized her voice. I’d watched the show so many times, I’d know her voice actor anywhere. So even though she had an illusion up making her look different, I recognized her.

So yeah, there she was in all her fake glory. She had a cocky smile but I couldn't tell if she was faking it or was actually amused that I got lectured.

Probably the latter.

I decided it would be best not to make a scene and alert Emerald that I knew who she was.

“I'm sure she was just stressed about something and me annoying her just got her extra mad. I'm sure she won't be that bad next time,” I replied scratching the back of my neck nervously.

Emerald just chuckled in a way that screamed ‘oh you poor fool’ before she said,

“Whatever you say man. Anyway the name’s Zatanna , nice to meet you.”

Ignoring the fact that Emeralds alias was one of DC’s most well know magicians, as well as the irony with it, I shook her hand.

“Name’s Chris, and before you ask no I am not a hobo. I just so happen to be low on funds and can't afford to buy any clothes or food at the moment.”

Emerald snickered at my intro as the hand shake came to an end.

“Wasn't even gonna ask. Anyway I gotta go, some kid decided to empty his breakfast and I'm the lucky gal who has to clean it. See ya around.”

With that Emerald left with a mop and bucket in hand.

I made sure to wait till she was completely out of view before I let out a sigh of relief.

“Should have known Cinder’s lackies would be here too. I swear if I find out Mercury is a mechanic here I'll…”

I grumbled about this for a good few minutes before I just sighed again and entered the Maintenance Room.

}Line Break{

Now you’re all probably wondering why I wasn’t freaking out as much as I did when I ran into Emerald like I did with Cinder. Well, besides the obvious point of how Emerald is nowhere near as dangerous as Cinder is, around her I could worry less about dying… at least from fire that is.

It’s like I said, I figured her two lackies would be here too. Cinder always had them with her on the show, so it made sense. So I prepared myself to not freak out as much as before if I ran into them. Luckily for me Cinder only brought Emerald with her, which meant no robo-legged assassin to deal with. 

Though I have to say, the way Cinder and Emerald got in was brilliant. Cinder managed to make sure there was no direct connection between either of them. If one of them got caught then the other wouldn’t draw suspicion on to them via association.

Sadly this also meant I couldn’t ‘find’ any evidence to get both of them kicked out, or better, arrested without the other coming after me.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. It’s time I tell you all the wonders of the Maintenance room.

Now while the Maintenance room itself looked like any normal one from Earth, with your standard shelves with supplies, tables to work on repairs, and a little workshop area, it also had plenty of Remnant add-ons.

There were piles upon piles of dust containers, ammo bags and even some first aid supplies. The workshop was equipped with weapon cleaning tools, even more dust containers, and some robot maintenance guide books.

The last one did cause me to raise my brow, since I had no experience with robotics and I doubt any other janitor did. But I just assumed that this was set there for the actual mechanics to fix up any training bots they had here.

There were also bookshelves stocked to the brim with books on how to properly dispose of dust, how to treat minor and major wounds, and even a Grimm encyclopedia!

Needless to say, I spent a lot of my break time reading and memorizing them.

Anyway, after I was done with exploring the room I found my janitor jumpsuit waiting for me at the back of the room in a locker with my name on it. The jumpsuit also had my last name on a nametag.

At the bottom of the locker was my Scroll, but sadly it was pretty much just like an Iphone but with holograms…and this could be folded.

Holograms are cool and all, but I was expecting…more.

After that I took off my hoodie (woulda be kinda stuffy wearing a jumpsuit over it after all) and put the jumpsuit on.

“Wait a second…why did Ozpin make a suit in my size with a nametag on it along with a locker if he didn’t know I would take the job or not? Unless…”

There was a good couple seconds of silence before I shouted, apparently loud enough for the whole school to hear,

“OH OZPIN YOU MINIPULATIVE SON OF A BITCH!!!”

I swore I could feel his amused smirk from all the way in his office.

Also, I ended up getting another lecture from Goodwitch, which was so much fun.

That was sarcasm if you couldn’t tell.

But that came later. While I grumbled, I looked at my scroll for the info Goodwitch said would be there. Sure enough, I found out that I would come in during the morning and work till a good three hours after classes were left out. I could work overtime for more pay if I wanted to.

I would be patrolling the different parts of the school with a janitor cart and instead of being called via a walkie talkie or the intercoms, the teachers would send a message to my scroll about any mess that occurred.

There were a few more legal things in there, but I don’t want to bore you guys with all the details.

After putting my Steam pellets and scroll into the jumpsuit pockets, I rolled out a janitors dolly after adding a few…extra things to the normal stuff on it and left the Maintenance Room.

Sadly, while I hoped I wouldn’t run into anymore main characters that day, my first clean up duty ended up with me having to deal with everybody’s favorite bully, along with Vomit Bo-I mean Jaune and his team.

…

…

…

And before you ask, yes. I did make Cardin look like a idiot, And boy did I enjoy the hell out of it.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Now before I go into exactly what happened during my first janitor clean-up, I should probably explain what happened leading up to it.

It was just a few minutes after I suited up and started doing my rounds around the school with the janitor cart. Thankfully my constant binging of RWBY, as well as the map Ozpin was kind enough to add to my Scroll, made it easier to navigate the halls.

All I have to say about the map, is that Beacon is much, much larger then what the show portrayed it to be. If it weren’t for that map and my prior knowledge, I would’ve probably gotten lost and would never be found for three years.

Anyway, I arrived just after the period started, so there weren't any students in the hall, which was fine by me. It gave me some time to think my situation over, and by that I mean ignore everything while surfing the internet for information while trying to look like I was working.

Now that may sound bad, but it made sense at the time. I knew almost nothing about the current events of Remnant what with me being too broke to buy a newspaper and everything. I know I probably could have grabbed one from a stand, but in this world I wouldn’t put it past the owner having a Rocket Launcher or something. And I didn’t read any discarded trash papers since they were used more effectively as pillows, blankets, and kindling for my (Not) Homeless lifestyle.

So yeah, while I had time, a roof over my head, and the return of the internet, I decided to catch up on the news. Glynda said they’d call me if I was needed, so it’s not like I was slacking.

And it started out well too! I was reading an article about dust sales, but then I saw an advertisement for the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie and well…

I kind of wasted thirty minutes gathering info about movies, TV shows and videogames

…

…

…

Look don’t judge me okay?! I’m a nerd! I hadn’t been able to scratch that nerd itch for three whole months! Almost everything I knew was gone and I needed to find anything even slightly related to Earth to cope. Constantly having to pass by and leave cool media in stores because of my bratty Fox Girl Overlord took a toll on me. So excuse me from trying to drown my sorrows with Earth Entertainment while trapped in another world!

You all try going three months without video games or TV! I bet you all wouldn't last one fu-

Ahem…

Sorry about that. I know I have a quota for tangents, but that one got a little defensive…Heh…

Anyway, I found Remnant’s equivalent of Google (Gooogle, go figure) and searched up every single TV show, movie, book, anime, manga, and video game I could think of.

Good news: Star Wars, Rick and Morty, Doctor Who and a whole slew of anime and cartoons still existed.

Bad news: The DC movies still existed along with the Star Wars prequels and Transformers Movies.

Now I’m not going to bore you all with a list of things that did and did not exist. That would take far too long and I really don’t feel like explaining it all. Let’s just say a good chunk of bad and good media resides in Remnant.

What I will tell you is something I found very interesting, and mildly disturbing.

There was no sign of Rooster Teeth anywhere.

I’m not kidding! I searched everything from Red vs. Blue to their Immersion videos. Nothing, notate, nilch, zero.

It made sense that RWBY wouldn’t be around since having a web show depict the future of your world would be pretty weird, but for the entire company to not exist!?

I still don’t know why this was. Maybe the universe just didn’t like the idea of two people sharing the same voice and decided to erase Rooster Teeth from this world’s existence. I know it sounds a bit farfetched, but so does a normal person from the real world being transported via bright light to a fictional world.

With that little bombshell I decided to continue my research later, and chose to actually do my job. As I wandered the halls looking for any messes, my thoughts drifted back to my encounter with Emerald, or ‘Zatanna’ as she called herself.

Mainly, I thought about her illusion or whatever her ‘changing appearance’ semblance thing is.

I remembered that her semblance could only effect two people at a time, and that it left a major strain on her if she tried to do it to more people. So that left the question of how she could have possibly kept hers up for so long.

I theorized that maybe she had some sort of aura storage dust on her, which is one of the dust types that the show either failed to mention or get to before I got sucked into this world. It’s basically this grey crystallized dust that you can pour aura into to use later, kind of like an extra battery to refill the Hunter or Huntress if they run low on the battlefield. It’s useless in powdered form, and it’s pretty rare to find.

That last point is why I discarded that theory. The amount Emerald would need to keep her semblance going all day would be too costly to obtain for Cinder’s scheme to succeed without running into budgeting problems. Not to mention it would be pretty obvious if she was carrying around a bunch of dust crystals.   

So with that theory debunked I continued to ponder and, then it hit me…and I mean that literally. As I was doing all this theorizing a passing student threw something at the trashcan part of the cart, but it missed and hit me in the head.

Before I could even yell at the student, or even question why she was in the halls during class in the first place, I noticed what she had thrown at me.

I grumbled while rubbing the sore spot on my head as I picked up the object an empty makeup container.

Wait a second…makeup! That’s it! That’s how Emerald is disguising herself! I thought as the dots connected in my head.

Now I’m by far no expert on makeup, but I knew that with enough of that stuff and skill you could become a whole new person, just like in the movies! It was the only way Emerald could disguise herself without using her semblance.

I hate to say this even now, but Cinder was bloody brilliant with this idea. Not only would Emerald be close by to her gathering intelligence, but she would be incognito, and still have access to her semblance.

A double disguise, triple if you count her real face really, the perfect spy technique!

With this revelation my shoulders slumped.

“Oh, why can’t she be a good guy? My life would be so much easier if she was,” I muttered in a defeated tone.

Sighing, I tossed the discarded make up container into the recycle bin (It’s plastic so it counts!) But before I could locate the previous owner, my Scroll went off.

“Hey! Listen!” chanted the ear damaging voice of Navi.

…

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I changed the default alert sound with that annoying fairy’s sound clip. I found it during my earlier ‘Research’ and it was free, so it was a win-win. Why was subjecting my ears to torture a win-win? Because it gave me the incentive to check my messages as fast as possible so that I wouldn’t hear it again.

So yes, I opened my Scroll in record speed and found a message from an ID labeled ‘Faculty.’

It read:

To any nearby janitors,

There has been an incident in the west wing Dust Studies classroom. Just one of you should be able to handle this mess. If you are near please respond.

From, Professor Peach

I smiled slightly at the professor’s name as I thought,

Well…I am nearby. I guess it’s time to actually earn my wages, AND get to meet the illusive Professor Peach. Now if only it didn’t involve Dust…  

I responded to the message and she in turn gave me the room number, and with that I wheeled my cart at mach speed to the Dust Studies Room.

}Line Break{

After a few minutes of navigating the halls I eventually found the Dust classroom. However instead of Peach waiting for me outside the door it was everyone's favorite polarity user.

This is usually the point where I comment on how life like she was compared to the show, but I think I've done that enough times already that you can all get the gist.

She was standing awkwardly next to the door scanning the halls as she tilted back and forth on her heels with her hands behind her back.

I figured she was probably looking for the janitor (me) so I stopped gawking from the corner and headed her way before I came off as a stalker.

I did not want to have that kind of reputation at a place where literally everyone could kill me with sharp stabby weapons, or even just their fists.

I mean some of them still tried that, but that came later.

So yeah, I started to head towards the red head. She eventually saw me when and let out a sigh of relief.

Dang, how bad is this mess that Pyrrha of all people is relieved to see a janitor? I mean I know it’s Dust related but seriously, what happened? I thought with a raised brow.

I also couldn't help but notice the strange look she was giving my maintenance cart, but I brushed that aside since I had a million add-ons attached which wasn’t the norm.

“Uh...where's Professor Peach?” I asked in confusion when I finally reached her.

She let out a sigh before she replied,

“Professor Peach ran off as soon as she sent the cleanup notice. She didn't tell us why either, she just left.”

It took all of my willpower not to audibly sigh at the fact that I couldn't meet Peach. She’s never been onscreen, and the thought of me being the first fan to see her kinda got me hyped up.

Then again even if I had seen her, there was no one to brag to about it, so I guess it wasn't that big of a deal. Still would have been awesome though…

I would eventually meet her, but the manner of which it happened...well let's just leave it as ‘interestingly terrifying’ and leave it at that for now.                                             

So yeah, that aside I just decided to leave my anguish for later and tried to see if Pyrrha could give me any details that the message left out.

Which by that I mean actually tell me what the mess was and not just some stupid cryptic message!

“Well can you tell me what the big deal is? The professor only told me it was a mess in the Dust Studies room.”

Pyrrha gained a sheepish look for some reason before she said,

“Well there was a little accident with some Du-”

“I kinda figured that since this is a Dust Studies room,” I interrupted her. “What I wanna know is what kind of Dust are we dealing with, how long it's been active, and if anyone was stupid enough to make things worse? You know, the very important details.”

I probably could have said that in a nicer tone considering it was Pyrrha, but since Dust was involved I needed to know these things and quick or else the entire room could burn.

Or freeze.

Or be torn to shreds.

Or just plain blow up!

Seriously people, dust is like a reactor core. You take your eyes off it for one second and suddenly half the mid-coast is gone!

“Oh, sorry,” she stuttered with her sheepish look.

Ah there's her catchphrase. The ever-adorable sounding ‘sorry.’ I mentally cooed as I suppressed a smile.

But with her apologizing, and the details not coming fast enough, I figured I had wasted enough time and, after lightly nudging Pyrrha out of the way, I opened the door.

“Look I'll just take a look for myself. Hopefully it's not...too...bad…”

I was expecting some small problem like a spill or some ash from a fire dust reaction.

I was not expecting to see an entire lab table encased in ice glowing like a light bulb. I was also not expecting to see a bunch of students crowding around it as another student prepared to touch the table.

Eyes widening in panic, I gave the appropriate response.

“STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE NOW!”

They were all surprised at my outburst, and some of them instantly backed off from the table too, but a few of them still lingered near it, including the idiot whose finger was inches away from it.

Said idiot gave me an angry look and growled,

“What's your deal asshole? It's just a crummy lab table Vomit Boy froze solid. The look on his face when the du-”

I kept a deadpan look on my face as the idiot talked while I went through a mental checklist in my head.

Annoying attitude? Check. Voice that screams ‘douchebag?’ Check. A very punchable face? Double check. Yep, just my luck Sir Cardin of Duchebagia is in this class.

I have never particularly liked Cardin. I mean most people in the fandom don't either, but I had a more...personal reason for disliking him. Let's just say I despise bullies of all shapes and form and leave at that for now.

So while Cardouche flapped his gums, I took in the rest of the faces in the crowd, looking for familiars.

Besides the rest of team JNPR though, I didn't notice anyone else. I sighed once more at my luck for running into even more plot relevant characters, but I managed to get over it quickly.

I was working at their school, of course I was going to run into them eventually. I just wished I’d had more of a breathing room after all the ones I’d run into since that morning.

So yeah, I had about a three second pity party, and the dumbass was still ranting.

Rolling my eyes, I thought,

Might as well shut this jerkwad up before the urge to punch him gets too strong.

So I got his attention, I sighed really loudly and put my face in my hand in disappointment shaking my head back in forth.

That shut him up, more likely thanks to confusion more than anything. When I looked back up with steely eyes, I saw that the other students were looking at me curiously.

Well when you got a crowd…

“Look kid, are you done yapping your fat mouth off? If so then this ‘asshole’ can tell you why you shouldn’t touch the frozen table.”

The little punk glared at me, so I returned it in kind.

“Good. Now you see the reason why you shouldn’t touch it is…well it’ll be better if I showed you.”

With that said I walked over to a conveniently placed apple on what I assumed was the teachers desk. Ignoring the cliché of a teacher having an apple on their desk for later I picked it up and tossed it at the frozen lab table.

I got some confused looks for this, and Cardipshit even gave me a smug look as he started to mock me again.

“Oh no, you threw an apple at the table. What, is it suddenly goanna shatter it into a million pieces or someth-*Freeze Sound*”

Cardin’s little spiel was interrupted as the apple hit …and instantly froze solid. As much as I wanted to savor the stupefied look on him and his friends’ faces, I knew I needed to continue my little demonstration.

“Ice dust, once energized like this to actually freeze things, is highly sensitive to organic material,” I lectured in a smug tone as I walked towards them. “Anything organic that comes into contact with it will instantly freeze, and even with your Aura you’d still end up being a nice new ice sculpture for people to gawk at.”

My little lesson managed to get nearly every student scrambling as far as possible from the table, all except Cardin and his team, because of course they’d be the only ones. Their faces looked so stupid that I couldn’t resist the smile spreading across my face as I reached the table and said,

“This is all dust 101, but I guess you were too busy trying to act tough to pay attention in class. If I didn’t stop you, you’d be on the front page of the Vale papers. I can see the headline now, ‘Huntsman-In-Training Dies Due to Careless Misuse of Dust!’”

This managed to snap Cardin and his goons out of it as they all took a huge step back, but Cardin being Cardin decided he still needed to act all tough by glaring at me.

“Why would you know all this huh? You’re just a dirty janitor who’s supposed to clean up after us, not some dust know-it all.”

I just gave him a deadened glare at this “Burn.”

“That says a lot more about you than me kid. A dirty janitor has more knowhow and common sense than you do. Sad isn’t it?” I mocked causing him to grit his teeth in anger and embarrassment. Before he could retort, I continued.

“But to answer your question blockhead, I used to work at a dust shop before it blew up. I figured knowing how to handle the very dangerous materials I worked with would save me from an untimely death, but I guess it only served to save you.”

Some of the students murmured about that, I even heard some of them say Ye Olden Dust Shop, but I ignored them.

He took in my info, which caused him to twitch, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but he just growled a ‘whatever’ before stalking off with his team in tow to the back of the class.

Ha! Suck it Cardin, you just got owned by a janitor! I smirked.

With my victory over a young prissy child passed, I remembered why I was here in the first place, as well as who Cardin put the blame on. Composing myself, I called out,

“Well now that the meathead is not frozen beef, would the one know as Vomit Boy please step forward? I need to have a word with him.”

The students all murmured at that, making me roll my eyes, but eventually Jaune himself let out a sigh and walked over to me. The kid looked like he was on death row as he came over.

Dang man! I’m not Glynda, no need to look at me like that! Jeeze do I even look that scary? I’m way to skinny to be even remotely intimidating.

I pushed those thoughts away when Jaune finally stood in front of me.

“Uh…I’m Vo-Vomit Boy…sir,” he admitted sadly.

“What’s your actual name kid?” I asked in bemusement. “Because I highly doubt it’ll look professional on my report if I wrote down Vomit Boy as the person who caused this.”

Oh right, forgot to mention that. The school had a pretty tight policy with the janitors. We had to make a report for every incident we cleaned up. Apparently it’s to help keep track of property damage reports since it happens so often, but I just think it was Ozpin’s way of avoiding extra paper work.

Anyway, Jaune looked at me questionably before saying,

“I’m Jaune Arc sir! Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue, ladies love it.”

I had to hold back my laughter at him actually introducing himself with that line. I mean it was bad in the show but to hear it in person is just pathetically funny!

“I’m sure they do, now what the hell did you do to cause an entire lab table to freeze over?”

“I guess uh…I put in too much ice dust and it went off when I put in the energy dust powder like Professor Peach said to.”

Ah energy dust, Remnant’s version of the battery. Always causing problems when too little or too much is used no matter the situation. But in this case it was more of having too much ice dust than energy, but it still is a pain to deal with.

"*Sigh* Listen Jaune, I’m gonna let you off easy this time since it was an accident. But keep in mind that dust is a very, very dangerous material that should never be taken lightly. If you cause another incident like this again and I have to clean it up, then you’ll be helping me. Understand?”

He nodded in shame before he went back to his team. Pyrrha gave him a sympathetic pat on the back, Ren gave an encouraging nod and Nora…well Nora was just being Nora. And by that I mean she was staring at my janitor cart and the frozen lab table in wonder and mischief. 

Now considering I knew how crazy Nora was, and the many dangerous things she was capable of, I naturally treated this as a bad sign. So I decided to slowly back towards my cart and push it as far from her as possible, the strange looks they gave me for doing so be damned. But I knew I made the right call as disappointment crossed her face.

So with that out of the way I finally had room to focus on the problem at hand, and so I entered The Zone.

I knew I needed to come up with a fast solution so that I wouldn’t be near main characters for much longer, but it wasn’t till my eyes fell on a shelf full of dust that I realized something.

Wait a second! I’m in a Dust Studies lab, so obviously, they must have a lot of dust on hand. If so then maybe…

I began to make my way towards the dust shelf which earned me a few confused looks.

“Hey! Anyone of you students got a shield making semblance?” I asked casually.

I’d come up with a quick and easy solution, but I sure as heck wasn’t going to go through with it without having some sort of protection.

“Um…I-I do,” a girl called out.

“Oh good,” I said as I looked through the shelf. “Can you project your shield over others or just yourself?”

She was silent a moment before she nervously admitted,

“Um…I can put it over other people if I focus enough. But I can only do for a couple of se-”

“AHA! There you are!” I yelled out as excitedly as I found exactly what I needed.

Turning around the class saw what I had grabbed. Some of them gave me questionable looks, while others who actually paid attention in class looked at me like I was mad. Which is understandable since I had a bag of fire and wind dust in each hand, two of the most unstable dusts out there, and a test tube.

But in The Zone, you don’t exactly care about what others think. I took my ingredients to the table nearest the frozen one and began to place small amounts of both dusts into the test tube with some tweezers that had been left there.

“What are you doing?” gasped the shield semblance girl, along with several of her classmates.

Now, while The Zone may cause you not to care about what others think, it is not above allowing you to lecture the simple-minded beings who could never hope to enter it.

“Well as you know, fire and wind dust are the most unstable, yet powerful, types of dust. So I’m making sure to be extra, extra, extra careful when putting them together in order to not blow us all up.”

The girl made an ‘eep’ sound and it looked like she wasn’t going to say anything else, but to my surprise she asked,

“But…why are you doing that?”

Still focused on the almost finished test tube of dust I answered,

“Well the best way to fix the desk is to melt the ice, but all the more sensible ways would take too long. So I’m going to just let dust do what dust does best, cause mass destruction!” I declared.

Suffice to say, my insane little chuckle after that statement was met with more weary looks.       

With that, I held aloft my finely balanced test tube which held more fire dust than wind. This would cause the explosion to be mostly flames, but also it would spread thin and eventually be put out thanks to the wind dust, but due to the mixture, the flames would have a chance to burn longer. Plus since their so unstable they’d just go off themselves after a little stimulation, no energy dust required!

At least that’s what I theorized, for all I knew it would blow me up. But I had a good deal of trust in both my chemical and dust knowledge, so I figured it’d work out in the end.

Smiling at my concoction like a mad scientist, I turned to the frozen table and noted that all the students were hiding behind the desks in the back of the room, tipped over as if they were barricades.

I guess some people see a guy laughing while making what amounts to a bomb and get the wrong impression.

I held the tube over the chilly surface and looked to the shield girl.

“Now this is very important. When I say now you have to put a shield around the table, or else we might all die in a fiery explosion of death. Okay?”

“Uh..uh right…” she squeaked.

Now before you all accuse me of being an arsonistic pyromaniac that needlessly puts children in harm’s way…well…I was in The Zone! Truth be told, I was actually pretty scared about what I was doing, and even I knew this was a dumb idea, but The Zone keeps you calm and focused in the sight of danger, and not focus too much on the bad stuff…like consequences. It makes you think that the dangerous quick solution for avoiding the Butterfly Effect is the better option than NOT potentially blowing up main characters and yourself.

The Zone is Love, The Zone is Life. But still, Fear The Zone People…By God, Fear It!

…

…

Anyway, with her confirmation I put my plan into motion…

I shook the test tube like there was no tomorrow before quickly, and gently, putting it onto the desk. I then proceeded to dive away from the table ala superhero style.

“NOW!” I shouted as I hit the ground and turned to see a clear purple dome surround the table. I quickly got up and backed as far away from the shield as possible to observe what happened. I also may or may not have hid behind my janitor cart, but who knows?

At first the test tube was fine, but then it began to shake. It started to shake and shake and shake till it eventually looked like it was jumping. Black smoke started to leave the top of the tube as it looked like it was about to explode. I couldn’t keep a mad maniacal grin from forming on my face as I saw that my idea was working (I’m Not Nuts I Swear!)

“Are you insane! Do you even know if her shield thing can handle the blast at all?!” cried out one of Cardin’s lackeys.

“I have no idea!” I shouted in a mad German accent and laughed again…Okay, maybe I do have some problems, but cut me some slack, I was living in a cardboard box and was a slave to a Fox girl for a month.

But whether it was my words, or comedic timing, the test tube went full on crazy as it danced the smokey cha cha. The students quickly ducked their heads behind their desks for safety and I covered my ears as the test tube went off…with a pathetic frizzle.

Silence filled the air as I slowly felt the excitement leave me, and students began to poke their heads out from behind the desk. My hands fell to their sides as I said in disappointment (while also quoting one of the best cartoons ever),

“Ah man! I was sure that was going to work! Where’s the kaboom!? There should have been a Remnant shattering kabo-“

*BOOOOOOOM*

Yup. Comedic Timing For The Win!

Let me just say that what I saw was absolutely beautiful. The colors of the flame filled the entire shield and dance madly inside it. It looked like a living inferno was caught in a bubble and was desperately trying to get out.

Out of the corner of my eyes I noticed the shield girl (brown hair, dog tail, normal student uniform) closing her eyes in concentration and struggling to keep the shield up. For a brief moment, I thought it would drop and kill us all, but luckily my wind dust theory was right as the flames went out not a moment too soon.

The shield girl fell to her knees and was breathing heavily as her shield went down and black smoke filled the room. Luckily the windows were open and some of the students who weren’t in shock managed to blow it out before it could cause too much trouble.

Now that the high of completing my plan had taken me from The Zone…I kind of felt guilty about what I had just done to the shield girl.

“Hey, you okay?” I asked her as I walked up to her and gave her a hand up.

She looked at me with wide, deep ocean blue eyes before sighing and saying,

“N-no I’m good. Just a little exhausted is all. Who knew dust could pack that much of a punch? Hahahaha…”

I nodded at her before looking over towards the desk. It was now completely covered in ashes as well as the surrounding floor

“You know I had no idea that was going to work, but hey it did and we’re all still alive,” I admitted causing her jaw to drop. “Plus, you all just saw a great example of how dangerous dust can be so there’s something! As an added bonus the table didn’t get destroyed, even though I thought it would for sure. Just needs a little polishing and it’ll be as good as ne-”

*Poof*

Yeah…needless to say what once was a lab table was now a pile of ashes.

Oh that’s coming out of my paycheck for sure. God damn it all!

“Great! It went from one mess to another. Why did I have to use the stupid awesome fiery explosion way again? Why?!” I grumbled as I made my way back to my cart, head bowed.

I grabbed my broom and dust pan, I heard the gossip come in.

“The hell kind of janitor is he!?”

“I am mad scientist! So cool! Sonofabitch!” I quoted one of my favorite lines from a certain sci-fi anime. Maybe not the best thing to say after my earlier madness induced meltdown, but I couldn’t help myself.

Of course the bell rang as soon as I said that, so the students all made a beeline for the door. I don’t blame them, I was having an off day, of course they all would run.

Well…almost all the students. The shield semblance girl kinda just walked out with a dazed look, team JNPR walked out with Ren dragging Nora out who had stars in her eyes, and Blake just calmly left.

Left alone in the bigger mess I created, I shrugged and started sweeping up the ashes.

I wonder how mad Glynda will be for this? Hell I wonder how bad the lecture will be? Maybe if I just try and hide from he-WAIT WHAT THE HELL?! BLAKE WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME?!

Go figure, apparently her being a ninja cat wasn’t too far off the mark after all…

}Line Break{

So after I finished cleaning up the ashes that were once a lab table and throwing them away I quickly left the classroom in a vain attempt to not get into any trouble with whatever teacher had the room next.

Why is there one less table? Oh I blew it up endangering students after verbally abusing one. No big deal.

Somehow, I knew they wouldn’t understand my reasoning, so it was best to be gone.

After sprinting a good distance away from the Dust Studies lab, I finally slowed down. As I did I noticed how all the students around were either giving me or my modified cart weird looks.

Trying to ignore them, I forced myself to an even slower, almost lazy like speed, and in attempt to cover my tracks, I did the usual janitorial duties that don’t involve explosives. I went around emptying the hallway trash cans and recycling bins, picked up trash on the floor, the usual.

Surely the slow moving boring guy couldn’t be the one to torch that table. He’s noboby, don’t look at him! I thought as some kids still stared. A modified cart shouldn’t have been that tantalizing!

I also couldn’t help but think on how weird it was that I didn’t know Blake was in that class at all.

Sure I was busy shutting up Cardin, and then I had a mini psychotic episode, but a cute cat-eared girl still tends to stick out, even if I wasn’t properly paranoid and always looking for hidden Faunus (Blame Foxy).

So the best I could figure was that she either deliberately hid herself from me, or she clawed in through the window to check out the noise and smoke from my explosion.

I was leaning more towards the latter, but my paranoia wouldn’t let me just drop the former option.

But why would she hide from me? It’s not like I’m secretly a White Fang member or undercover super villain. I had Ice Cream with her for God’s Sake, I tried and failed to rationalize my paranoid thoughts.

Thankfully before I could lose myself too much in my thoughts my Scroll went off with the ever-annoying words of Navi, which brought on a different kind of dread.

Well I mean there were plenty of reasons why I was being messaged, but with my luck I knew better.

I contemplated just ignoring the message, but the constant annoying chirping of “Listen!” and the looks it drew from the students smothered that idea.

So with a sigh I gave into my fate and pulled out my Scroll to see what the message was. As expected, it was from everyone’s favorite whip user.

Mr. Sullivan,

I understand that you lack experience as a janitor, but destroying school property is not in your job description, not to mention your reckless endangerment of the students! I will be deducting the cost of a new lab table from your paycheck, and if this happens again then your next meal might just be your last. Understood?

From, Professor Goodwitch

*Thunk*

That’s the sound your head makes when you slam it into your janitor cart in both frustration and defeat folks, the resulting murmurings from class going students usually follows soon after.

Cursing every deity I knew, the Universe, and my poor luck, I slammed my head once more before forlornly bringing it up in defeat.

Damn Kids must have tattled on me…or Ozpin’s got camera’s set up in the classrooms…or both. But come on, how come I’m found out immediately while the crazy fire lady and her friend are waltzing around here waiting to bring grimdarkness?

Sighing once more, I decided to respond to Glynda before I got into more trouble.

After that I moved onward. Just because I screwed up didn’t mean I didn’t have other responsibilities. I’d just show them I was still a diligent worker and save face.

This determined plan lasted all of thirty seconds before I was distracted by something that made me drool and my stomach to have a mini-earthquake.

Is…is that food I smell?! I must be close to the mess hall…

I hadn’t eaten anything since the milkshakes from the other day, so I was pretty starved. I had been able to ignore it for the most part that day, but when I caught a whiff of the mess hall food it came back in full force.

I grabbed my stomach in slight pain as it growled yet again.

“I guess now is as good as time as any for a lunch break. Hopefully no one will notice a few sandwiches missing.”

With that said I began to push my cart in the direction of the delicious aroma, and after a few minutes I made it to the mess hall.

I parked my “Mesmerizing” cart outside the door and walked into an awe-inspiring mess hall.

It was far bigger than what the show showed, and the tables seemed to be much more spread out as well. What caught my eye the most was the whole section stocked to the brim with food that the students could take, buffet style.

I gracefully made a bee line for that glorious food, and totally did not push students out of the way I swear…though there were some students who picked up their plates and moved to the far end of the room when they saw me coming. Students from the classroom I’d just terrorized as a matter of fact.

When I got close enough to grab some grub, I noticed something horrible, something so soul crushing and evil it almost made Cinder’s presence here seem welcomed by comparison. What did I notice you may ask?

Price tags. Price tags with lots of zeros that I wouldn’t have for some time thanks to the table incident. Add to that the scary looking lunch lady holding a giant ass ladle (when I say giant ass, I mean anime levels of giant ass) that was probably also a gun.

So when faced with such horribleness, I reacted in the only logical manner.

“Uh dude…you okay?” asked a concerned voice from above me.

“No, I’m going to die right here while salvation is within my grasp!” I bawled as I hugged myself closer in the fetal position. “The Universe Hates Meeeee…”

…

It really was the only logical reaction.

“Uh, okay…You’re kind of making a scene dude, you sure you’re alright?” she said again and my eyes widened when I realized who it was.

Mentally facepalming I immediately stood up and faced Emerald, mostly so that I wouldn’t have to see the gawking students.

“I’m fine! Everything’s Fine!...How are you?”

And add another mental face palm.

“Uh…fine?” she responded taken aback before an amused look came across her face.

“So…did Glynda mess you up that badly for the Dust Studies room?”

I groaned and looked to the students who went to the other end of the room.

“You tattle-tales!” I chided causing some of them to wince, before I turned back to the amused lackey. “And no she didn’t, but the same can’t be said for my first paycheck,” I bemoaned.

She giggled at this.

“Well then why are you crying and carrying on then buddy?”

“Because I haven’t really eaten in a week and I can’t buy any grub because I’m broke, and the lunch lady scares me,” I admitted as my stomach growled for emphasis.

“Uh…you know staff gets to eat for free, right?” she asked with a raised eyebrow, causing me to gape. “I guess that’s a no then. Ozpin figured that since we risk potential accidents daily then we should at least get some free food.”

That is the moment Emerald went from my “Hate” list to my “Worship Forever’ list. For she saved my malnourished body with the two most beautiful words in the English language.

FOR FREE!

Needless to say, I was very happy about this information

“SERIOUSLY! The hell am I doing here when there’s free grub to nab?! Hold on stomach, we just got a one-way ticket to paradise! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!”

Okay, maybe very happy was a bit of an understatement.

And if you ask anyone else they may claim that I ecstatically hugged Emerald so hard that I lifted her off the ground, but those people are lying. It didn’t happen no matter what those pictures show! They’re Fake I tell you! FAKE!!!

Ahem…

Anyway, I began my quest on grabbing any and all food that wasn’t claimed. By the time I was done I had a mountain of food stacked on one plate. I even grabbed a swordfish! A Swordfish! They had a surprisingly large stockpile of it for some reason.

After a quick flash of my Scroll ID to the scary lunch lady I was at a table putting together the ultimate sandwich that would pierce the heavens with its tastiness! The unwashed masses of the students gazed upon the glory of my masterpiece, but it was too pure for their lowly eyes, only I was worthy of its grace. I smacked my lips, I open my maw and reached out for a heavenly bite.

Nothing could ruin this mome-WAIT NO DON’T FINISH THAT SENT-

“CHRIS!”

I could feel the universe laughing at me at that moment as I slowly put down my ultimate sandwich and turned towards the voice while silently cursing my tempting of fate.

Across the room was team RWBY. Ruby was looking at me with excited eyes, Yang was just smirking, Weiss looked like she was going to blow a gasket, and Blake…Blake was reading a book.

I slowly turned back to my sandwich and only thought of one thing…

Is it possible to kill only the Universe while sparing those that live in it? Because I’m getting sick and tired of this bullcrap!

…

…

…

What? I never said that thought was a sane one. 

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

As the four girls with varying emotions on their faces continued to head my way, I couldn’t help but wonder if the universe just wanted me to starve. I mean all I had wanted to do was eat the greatest sandwich the world had ever known, yet before I even had a chance to take a single bite, they had to notice me! Sometimes I really do think I’ve been cursed with bad luck, I wonder what it is I did to piss off the powers that be in the Universe.

So yeah, here they were heading my way, and I figured I had two options. One, pretend I didn’t hear them, wolf down the sandwich like the starving man I was, and then make a run for it, Or Two, accept my fate and speak with them thus ensuring even more deviations. You already know which option got chosen, I won’t even pretend to make you think otherwise.

Running off like that would have been rude, and as much as I wanted to avoid the plot, a part of me also didn’t want the main characters hating me.

Well…mostly just Ruby, but in my defense, having an adorable person hate you is worse than any torture out there! Have you ever seen an adorable puppy snarl at you, or a fluffy kitten hissing at you? It hurts man, it hurts a whole lot.

I did not want the adorable love child of Red Riding Hood and the Grim Reaper to hate my guts, so just up and leaving was out of the question…though I bet the look on Weiss’s face would have been semi-worth it.

Speaking of which, said Ice Queen was glaring at me as she walked with her group towards my table, and if looks could kill, I would have been atomized.

Geeze, you make a girl mad enough to slap you and suddenly you’re on her hate list. Some people…

My ironic thoughts aside, I couldn’t help but notice how they didn’t have any lunch trays. Instead they were walking towards me empty handed (besides Blake with her book).

This means one of two things. Either they just got here…or they waited for me to show up! Damnit Blake, did you blab too?!

As you can tell my paranoid filled mind was still working even with the lack of substances in my stomach. Looking back on it, they probably just finished their lunch and were leaving when they noticed my little…episode and decided to chat.

 No…she couldn’t have blabbed because then they’d be with the other sellouts, I reasoned as I cast a glare to the little sni-I mean students from Dust Studies across the room. Team JNPR was there as well, probably in fear of my totally-not a psychotic breakdown earlier…or they were trying to keep Nora from breaking something in my presence. One of the two really.

Now that I think about it acting like a crazy person who would most likely blow everybody up actually helped me avoid the plot better than when I was actively doing my job…Huh…

Anyway, back to the universe denying me from eating the glory that is food.

So yeah, after I tried and failed to push my paranoid thoughts aside I sighed and gave into the inevitable.

Even if I wanted to be a dick and ignore them to eat in peace, it wouldn’t have worked. Just like how a nerd in a sitcom can’t ignore the popular kids/bullies, I knew I couldn’t escape. Hell, my entire plan to avoid the plot in the first place was crumbled up and burned to ashes, so why would I have thought that would change?

So, as a whoosh of air caught my long hair and beard (I still hadn’t had a chance to tidy up...or shower for that matter) and rose petals landed on my plate, I held in a sigh, put down my sandwich and plastered a smile on my face as I turned to face Ruby (who was of course now sitting next to me).

“Hey Red…how ya been?”

“I’ve been great! Well I mean not great great, but just normal great!” she responded with that nerdy little smile of hers.

“That sounds…great,” I said in monotone, desperately keeping in my gushing at her adorableness.

She nodded rapidly at that, but before she could say anything else I felt a hand slam down on my shoulder. I had to hold back a yelp as I looked over at the blonde brute who had her trademark mischievous smile.

“Hey Mr. Boxman! I’m surprised to see ya here! Last time I saw you, you were Iceing some wounds at the Sweet Sweet Ice Cream with us!”

While everyone in the vicinity groaned at the pun, I proudly gave into laughter.

This is the point where I usually say something about people giving me weird looks for my laughter, but I was already getting weird looks after my (not)Psychotic Episode, so that point is kinda mute. I guess I could say their weird looks doubled, but that just sounds stupid.

Anyway, after that Yang just smirked and sat next to her sister.

“Ah, nothing like making a fellow pun lover laugh. Feels like I’m contributing to the world in my own, special way.”

Of course everybody’s favorite kill-joy just had to comment as she sat down with Blake on the opposite side of the table.

“The only reason you could ever make a person laugh with your…unique sense of humor was if their brain was the size of a peanut.”

Deciding to ignore the comment in favor of-oh okay you all know me better than that by now. Of course I didn’t let that slide.

“Hey! Puns are one of the most unappreciated forms of humor out there! It takes a true lover of comedy to understand their brilliance!”

Weiss of course just rolled her eyes at this and Yang just gave me a high-five (and I swear there were tears of pride in her eyes).

“What are you doing here anyway?” the Ice Queen continued, “I highly doubt the school would let a homeless person in for any reason.”

Rolling my eyes, I gained a smirk as I said with a voice dripping in snarkyness,

“Well if you must know princess, little ol’Red here was kind enough to give in a good word for me to Ozpin after my last place of work…er blew-up. Thankfully the old man was kind enough to consider me and he hired me after a quick little interview. You’re looking at Beacon’s newest janitor!”

While Weiss just sent a look towards Ruby, Yang decided to join in on the conversation by saying,

“So Ozpin decided to hire you after all huh? Let me guess, he hired you because he still remembers how you defeated the vile crook Roman Torchwick by kicking him where the sun doesn’t shine right?”

While the memory of that moment gave both me and Ruby a chuckle, Weiss just gained a belittling look as she commented,

“Oh please, you expect me to believe that he managed to beat a notorious crook by attacking his…unmentionables?”

As much as I wanted that to be true, if only to see the look on Weiss’s face, I decided I needed to straighten things out about the whole fiasco. That and I really didn’t want Cinder or Emerald to find out I was the poor sap who did kick Roman in the nads.

“Actually no, I did kick him in the balls for sure, but I didn’t really do any kind of… defeating. I just didn’t like being held hostage and I decided to fix that situation. Ruby did most of the work, she was kicking ass and taking names with all of his henchmen.”

Ruby gained a sheepish look on her face at my praise, but sadly for her, Yang added to it. The blonde amazon smiled proudly and wrapped an arm around her younger sibling.

“That’s right world, fear the rosy cheeks of death herself. Witness her and despair, or she’ll beat your ass seven ways to Sunday.” she gushed in a teasing tone.

As Ruby tried to get her sister off of her, while adorably telling her to shut up, Weiss decided to speak up in an annoyed tone,

“Ugh, must you two be so vulgar? There are plenty of other ways to describe Ruby’s achievements without having to use such language.”  

“Listen princess,” I responded with an eye roll, “I call things as I see them. This little girl right here managed to kick the shit out of a couple of grown men with guns without breaking a sweat. She also managed to save my damn hide from becoming the next police homicide case. If ya got a problem with how I talk then I highly advise you to suck it up and deal with it. Understand, princess?”

Now you’re all probably wondering why I was constantly being so hostile towards Weiss, and honestly the reason why is kinda petty.

You see I hated her character back in Volume one. Always being so snobby and uptight, and don’t get me started on how she acted towards Ruby when she was named leader. I just didn’t like characters like that, so naturally I wasn’t quiet keen on her as a character.

But as you all know she got better as the volumes went on. Near the end of Volume III I actually enjoyed her character development a lot and didn’t dislike her as much. The problem was, this was still Volume I Weiss, and even though I knew it wasn’t her fault due to my time and space travel shenanigans, it felt like her character had regressed.

So yeah, I was kind of a dick to a 17-year-old girl because I’d arrived before her character development. It was really petty of me and I do regret acting how I did, especially considering what happens later on, but there’s nothing to do about it now. This was how I acted back then, for better and for worse.

Anyway, my snarkiness did its job as she became really annoyed with me.

“I am not a princess! You know full well that I am an heiress, so if you must insult me at least use the correct term!”

I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that, it certainly wasn’t what I expected her to say. Judging by the looks the other girls gave, I think they were just as confused. Well, Blake was still reading and I couldn’t really see her face, so who knows on her, but the other two definitely.

“Wait…so you’re fine with being insulted as long as I use the proper term?” I asked as it was the first thing that popped into my head.

Apparently Weiss didn’t really recognize what she said till I commented on it, as evident by how she slowly grew as red as a tomato and cried out in embarrassment,

“Wha-!? No I’m not fine with you insulting me! I was jus-”

Before she could finish Yang decided to stop torturing Ruby in the way sisters do and started to focus her teasing on the now embarrassed Weiss.

“So Ice Queen gets your goat, but you’ll be alright with Ice Heiress? That doesn’t roll off the tongue as well.”

“I’m not OK with either Yang! What I meant was-”

“Better slow down heiress, you get any more steamed and you’ll melt,” she teased which only caused Weiss to become more red in the face and groan.

There was more, but I tuned out most of the exchange since I finally had a chance to eat my sandwich while they argued. The sooner I ate it the sooner I could get away from the main characters to avoid plot shattering problems.

I was already failing at the whole ‘avoid the plot’ thing tremendously at this point, but a man can have dreams, right?

So with that plan in mind I began to lift my sandwich towards my mouth so that I may taste it’s deliciousness once and for all, but the cruelty of the universe decided to make itself know again.

“So why’d you come in for the interview so fast? I mean it’s not like I don’t like you working here or anything but it’s just I told you that you had till the end of the month to come in, and you showed up the next day. So what’s the deal? Were you that excited or was it something else?”

This time I didn’t even try to hide my sigh at once again being denied my sandwich. I put it back down and turned to answer Ruby.

“It’s simple really Ruby, I really needed the money. I would have come in later this week, but I was cold, tired, and hungry living in a box for so long. Not to mention I wanted to get away from that fox eared little brat and all her schemes, and I absolutely did not want whoever was flinging knives at me to find me again, so-”

“WHAT?!” I actually bent backwards slightly at Ruby’s alarmed shout because I honestly didn’t expect it.

Yikes! What’s with the screaming? This is Remnant, people trying to kill other people with sharp objects is kind of common kid, I thought in alarm.

Ruby’s shout got the attention of both Yang and Weiss, and I think Blake too cause I swore I saw her bow twitch.

“Whoa where’s the fire sis? I mean, aside from inside the Heiress’s head?”

Ruby ignored her trolling sister as her focus was all on me.

“What do you mean someone was throwing knives at you?!”

At that declaration, Yang looked alarmed, Weiss looked shocked, and Blake actually closed her book and set it down. She still had on her casual/bored look on her face, but still, SHE CLOSED HER BOOK! Once more, all of team RWBY’s sole focus was on me and I sighed in annoyance.

No one noticed me in the real world, but now it seemed like I had a freaking neon lit billboard above me that just screamed, “Notice this guy! Everything he does is interesting. Never Stop Staring!”

Coughing slightly into my hand I decided to explain the whole knives thing before things got even more blown out.

“Uh yeah…it’s not that big of a deal. Some jerk decided he needed some target practice and I just so happened to be in the area. It was actually right after we left the Ice Cream store.”

This clearly simple and easy explanation apparently went over Yang’s head as she said,

“Dude, how can you be so calm about some nut throwing knives at you!”

Seriously? This is Remnant! I’m not special! I only seem calm because my life is in constant danger of the Butterfly Effect bringing this world’s existence to an end, and I’ve accepted that fact. Just talking with you all can probably cause some huge disaster, so let’s stop and never speak to each other ever again.

If only I could have actually said that, things would have been so much simpler. No, what I actually said was,

“Eh, after being held hostage a good three times in a row you tend to be kind of num to everything else. Besides the dude had lousy aim anyway.”

And I totally didn’t scream bloody murder the entire time. Nope, I was as calm as an actor in a horror film.

Ruby and Yang looked doubtful at my answer, but thankfully Weiss spoke up.

“Your alarming callous tendencies aside, do you at least know who attacked you, or were you too desensitized to notice?”

Okay, so the next thing I said was probably the dumbest thing to say. Seriously there were a thousand different things I could have said, but me being me I went with the dumbest. Like it was so dumb that I deserved a dunce hat and my own corner, that is how dumb I was to say what I said.

So the thing I told her was,

“No clue who in particular, but I’m leaning towards it being a White Fang member.”

As soon as I said this I wanted to sew my mouth shut and spontaneously combust, because I had just broken one of the major rules I made for myself.

Never, ever ever mention the White Fang in Blake’s presence.

Seriously you all saw how obsessive she got when the White Fang came into the picture during the show. Saying so much as a peep about them would make me end up on her radar, and not in the way that I would have liked.

So of course I idiotically blew it THE SECOND CONVERSATION I had with her. This is what happens when you deny a man food for so long! He gets stupid!

So yeah, Blake’s reaction was exactly how you’d imagine it. Her fists tightened slightly and an obvious glare came to her face. Trying to avoid that glare, I looked to the other girls for their reactions. Ruby looked oblivious, Weiss looked annoyed (as usual), but surprisingly, Yang had a knowing look on her face.

Before I had a chance to decipher the blonde’s look, our favorite Faunus spoke up.

“Why do you think it was them?” she asked, her voice tense and dangerous, which caused me to gulp.

“Uh well, the area I walked by on my way to my humble home was White Fang territory. Since the knives were coming from that area I just made an assumption that some member saw me while on patrol and decided to have some ‘fun.’ It never happened before, so who knows why they did it.”

She raised a brow at my explanation.

“Have you done anything to get on their radar?”

“I don’t think so. I haven’t really hung around with any Faunus aside from Foxy, and I don’t think she was a member, evil though she may be,” I grumbled.

They seemed confused at that last part.

“Who?” asked Ruby.

“Yeah, who you talking about bud? Is this the same “Brat” you were ranting about before dropping the knife bomb on us?”

Oh right, I haven’t actually talked about her to you guys yet…

“Um, she doesn’t matter, I don’t think she-”

“Oh on the contrary, it should be no coincidence that someone you proclaim to be an Evil Faunus would not be in some way connected to those monsters,” Weiss cut me off with a glare.

I saw Blake giver the silver haired girl a quick annoyed glance.

Oh crap, I’m bringing up drama and anguish early! Divert! Divert!

“N-No, I’m sure it was a coincidence, she never had a mask or anything. Also I hadn’t given her a reason to want me dead! Well I mean maybe she does now that I skipped town without warning her, but at the time there was no way she could have known I was dissolving our agreement!” I reasoned.

“Agreement?” asked Blake.

“Yeah, I’d go into stores and buy her stuff that they wouldn’t normally sell to kids, and in return, she didn’t kill me and once in a while would give me a scrap of food.”

Again, this took threw them for a loop.

“How…How old was this girl?” asked Yang.

“I don’t know. Younger than Ruby maybe, like 12 or 13? All I know is that she is the most evil little fox girl in the world and that I hate her from the depths of my soul, but I know it wasn’t her throwing the knives. She had a gun.”

They didn’t say anything to that and just gave me incredulous looks.

“So Torchwick you can take on, but a little kid is too much for you?” snarked Yang.

“This little girl is ten times worse than that stupid Clockwork Orange cosplaying son of a bitch!” I growled trying to preserve my dignity. It didn’t work as she snickered.

“Why didn’t you tell us yesterday you were being abused Chris?” asked Ruby with a look of worry.

“Because I was high on milkshakes and it didn’t occur to me,” I answered simply, not having the heart to tell her the real reason, that I was trying to avoid them and the plot.

“So,” Weiss interjected, “You don’t think this little thief had anything to do with your attempted murder?”

Before I could respond one way or another, Blake spoke up.

“Actually, she might very well have been the cause, and it was more than likely the White Fang.”

Surprise doesn’t even begin to describe my face at that moment.

“How do you figure that?” I asked.

She just raised an eyebrow like it was obvious.

“If you had been “helping” this Foxy for a couple of days, then more than likely someone from the White Fang would have seen you.”

“And?” I asked in obliviousness.

 Blake looked hesitant and a little nervous about what she said next.

“And…well, a human of your...unique way of life, in the presence of a young Faunus girl, buying her things someone her age can’t get in certain stores…”

“That wasn’t my fault, how can I be faulted for being an unclean servant?” I asked, still oblivious.

They all gave me cringing looks since apparently I hadn’t gotten the picture.

“Um…Chris? How did Yang first greet you when you met?” asked Ruby as a nervous knowing look came across her face.

“She kicked my ass because she misread the situation when you were hugging me and…Oh…OH…OH COME ON!!!” I shouted in annoyance as understanding dawned on me.

“I will admit, someone of your…look giving illegal substances to a minor wouldn’t look good no matter who it was,” Yang admitted.

“Normally I wouldn’t give a second thought to what those brutes think, but I guess I can kind of see it from their angle,” Weiss added.

“Seriously? A bunch of terrorists think I’m some sort of Pedophilic Drug Dealer?! Really?”

That statement certainly turned some heads, including Emerald’s.

“Shut Up! Nobody heard that! Eat your damn food!” I yelled to the assorted eavesdroppers.

That got the eavesdroppers to snap back to their plates, while I in turn slammed my head down onto the table (avoiding my sandwich of course).

“Great!” I groaned “I have to pay for that stupid lab table that I blew up, those snitching traumatized students are spreading gossip, and now I have the White Fang hunting my ass because of that damned brat! Can this day get any worse?”

 Oh God why did I say that out loud!?

“Wait…you blew up a lab table?”

I could only groan into my arms at Ruby’s question, and it was then that I decided enough was enough as I lifted my face up and said,

“Yes I did, and I’m not apologizing for it! It’s why a good chunk of the students in here are giving me looks,” I pointed to the offending parties.

“I was wondering about that,” I heard Yang mumble.

“Yes…” Blake muttered quizzically, “Why exactly did you go through with using dust to-“

“That doesn’t matter right now little miss ninja!” I cut her off causing her eye to twitch. “I’m more worried about Faunus Terrorists trying to shank me like I’m on Chris Hansen’s hit list than what they think of me.”

“Look, all you need to do is tell Headmaster Ozpin or the police what’s happening,” Weiss said actually sounding genuine and helpful. “I’m sure either one of them would be able to protect you.”

The mention of the police snapped something in me at that moment. Some memories from my first few weeks in Remnat started to surge forward at the mention the police helping me out.

I actually laughed a hollow laugh at that, which only caused Weiss raise an inquisitive eyebrow.

“What’s so funny? What I said makes perfect sense!”

I wiped a tear from my eye as I said,

“That’s the thing princess, it does make sense…for a financed person at least.”

Weiss gained a confused look as she said in a confused tone,

“I don’t follow.”

“Look, you’re rich and everybody here has parents or at least a well paying job behind them, but me?”

I pointed at myself to emphasize my point as I continued,

“I’m homeless, Leinless, and only recently got a job. I have neither the backing to support my claims of being in danger nor any background that the police could care enough about.”

“You’re being ridiculous!” Weiss argued. “Being homeless should have nothing to do with your situation at all! I’m sure the police would understand since your being targeted by a known criminal organization and the danger to your li-”

I put my hand up to stop Weiss before I said,

“Listen, do you guys know the story of the boy who cried wolf?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, my Dad used to tell me that story,” Ruby piped up. “Some bored kid kept claiming a Beowolf was coming into town to kill livestock and-”

“Yeah, alright so you get the point of the story,” I cut her off causing her to giggle nervously.

“But what’s that have to do with-” Weiss started, but I continued.

“Look, on the streets there were a group of guys that were in the same boat as me. They decided to pretend to be criminals, or do petty crimes just so they could get arrested. This would give you a safe place to eat and sleep for at least a few days. Eventually the cops caught on and they decided that street rats weren’t worth the trouble, and would ignore anyone that looked like me, whether we claimed we were in danger or not.”

I subconsciously banged my fist against the table, making my sandwich tray rattle and slightly startling the girls, but I couldn’t really care, old memories were making me pissed.

Let’s just say I left out details from my first few weeks in Remnat for a reason. Not because it wasn’t necessary…

…

…

…

But because some things are best left forgotten.

Anyway, my explanation made Ruby and Yang look disgusted at the implications, Blake to twitch, Weiss to look completely aghast. She was so dumbfounded apparently that she actually stuttered out her reply,

“Well…I mean…surely you must just be over-exaggerating!”

“That’s just how the world works princess,” I chuckled darkly. “A few jack-offs do something stupid and they ruin it for everyone. Besides, what am I going to tell the police? A bunch of terrorists are after me because I was coerced by a 12-year-old girl into buying her weapons and other substances that kids shouldn’t have? Like they’d buy that!”

This left an awkward silence at the table for a good few seconds before Ruby spoke up,

“Well…what about Ozpin? I mean he seems really nice and all, I mean he let me into the school without having to register and everything. He’ll help you for sure Chris! He did hire you after all.”

I had to resist the urge to pat her head as I said,

“Nah, no need to drag the school into my problems. Don’t worry Red, I’ll think of something,” I said, resisting the urge to pat her head.

Oh God I sound like Jaune during the whole Forever Fall arc! Why must protecting the universe from imploding make me say such cliché things!?

In reality my motive for not involving the old guy was so that he wouldn’t watch over me more and make the White Fang gun for me even more so. That, or have him drag me into his little game with Salem.

So instead I opted to deal with the White Fang on my own. Maybe fake my own death or something, or bribe Foxy when I actually had money to say she got rid of me. Anything to get them off my back and stop their untrue accusations that they were surely spreading about my character.

Thankfully before this awkward talk could go on any further, the bell went off, signaling the end of the period and by extension my self-employed lunch break. Letting out a sigh I stood up and looked to Team RWBY.

“Listen I’ll be fine. Can you four please not let Ozpin know about this? I really don’t need him-I mean want him being bothered by this.”

Before any of them could answer one way or the other, I left the four girls in an awkward silence which I was fine with. Of course as I exited the cafeteria doors my stomach growled and I was reminded why I came to there in the first place.

I kinda just stood their awkwardly for a few minutes debating if I should go back to get my sandwich or not considering the mood I left at the table, but hunger won out over logic in the end as I went through the sea of exiting students back to my table. The good news was the girls were gone, so awkwardness was averted. The bad news was, so was my sandwich.

“No, no, no, no, NO!” I panicked as I searched high and low for it. I eventually found it in the most obvious place for food left unattended. Some stupid do gooder litter cleaner had seen fit to throw my creation into the freaking trash can!

I fell to my knees as tears came to my eyes.

“It’s not fair…It’s just not fair…” I wept as I saw the remains of my sandwich, plastered with other uneaten food scraps and napkins.

Looking around and not seeing any students I yelled, “SCREW IT!!!” and dug my hands into the trash, fishing out my dilapidated masterpiece.

I was NOT going to let hunger win out on me and so I started eating that trash sandwich like there was no tomorrow. It was cold, messy, and tasted horrible, whether it was always that bad or it was the garbage’s fault I don’t know, but I still ate every last bite of it. It was the principle of the matter that I finish it! I was homeless for months, it’s not like this was the first time I’d done this.

What I could have done without was the sound of a camera click.

I looked up from my trash meal, sauces and bits of food staining my beard, and I saw Velvet, (The Bunny Fanus Girl), recording me with her Scroll. Her eyes widened in panic when she found out I’d spotted her.

Caught eating out of the trash can, with food still over my face, and half a soggy sandwich still in hand, I calmly and rationally explained the situation to the startled girl who was recording my every actions…and by that I mean I hissed at her like a cat while bearing my teeth, and holding my ill-gotten food to my chest.

…

…

…

I know I’ve been saying it a lot recently, but I swear I’m not crazy. And no matter how many times they try to drag me to that therapist, I refuse! It’s not like I’m legitimately worried about what they’d diagnose, NOPE! Totally not! It’s just…that they’re too expensive…yeah…

…

…

Shut up!

So after I emotionally scarred her, she let out a genuine,

“EEP!” and bounced out of the cafeteria. That’s not even a joke about her Bunny ears, she actually bounced away from me.

Groaning I finished off my terrible lunch and attempted to clean up my beard as I quickly left the cafeteria.

What the hell is wrong with me? I asked myself as I made it to my cart (which was thankfully still in its modified state with no parts missing) Keep it together Chris. Keep! It! Together!

I then I made my way to do a couple more rounds around the building. If you’re curious, that video of me DID make it on the Internet, and it was in the top ten trending videos for a month. Just Gooogle Crazy Janitor Eats Out of Trash Can. You’ll probably see other links for many other exploits I’ve done. Careful though, they contain spoilers.  

}Line Break{

A few hours later I found myself doing some last minute trash clean-up in the South Wing of the school. It was the middle of the last period and I had managed to avoid RWBY and other main characters for a good while.

Not though a lack of trying sadly. I had to dive into a few classrooms and lockers, and maybe an occupied stall or two, to avoid some of them. Mostly I was avoiding Ruby, who had a concerned look on her face, which wasn’t surprising considering the bomb I dropped at lunch, but I knew I couldn’t let her help out.

Because if she helped out, then the rest of her team would follow, and then that’d mean Blake would be dealing with the White Fang way before the end of the first semester, and then all kinds of Butterfly Effect hell would occur. I did not want to be the cause of a heavily injured RWBY or heaven forbid a dead RWBY thank you very much.

I mean I knew what was gonna happen to them in Volume III, and as much as I hated it I knew I couldn’t change anything to stop it from happening. I could’ve ended up making it worse.

Back home, I’d only gotten to the halfway point of Volume IV before my impromptu world warping, and that’s the template I had to follow for better and for worse. The path to hell is paved with good intentions and all that.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic again. Bottom line was I couldn’t allow any of them to help me with the White Fang in fear of the Butterfly Effect causing massive damage.

All I had to do was hope none of them were too stubborn or reckless to do anything too stupid…But of course I shouldn’t have underestimated Yang to cause problems, but that comes later.

So yeah, after avoiding main characters for the rest of the day, I also spotted Velvet down one of the hallways, and she was going all out to avoid ME. Right then and there I decided I wasn’t going to be eating in the Cafeteria anymore.

 I’ll just grab some food at a later time than RWBY and JNPR and take it to the Maintenance Room. That way I’ll be away from nosey kids and Main Characters and be able to do Remnant research in peace…and catch up on some reading.

I also got it in my head that I could use that time to make some sort of weapon or something. At the very least sneak some dust to resupply my Steam pellets when I needed to. If my reputation after one day was anything to go by, then it’d be the perfect solitary sanctuary.

With this in mind, I doubled my efforts to finish my trash route before classes were over and main characters tried to seek me out. But that took a back seat when I found something really interesting.

I was cleaning out the trash in the Record’s Room when I got it in my head to go snooping. Making sure I wasn’t watched by any camera’s (Bunny Girl or Hidden Otherwise) I went through the staff records to look up Cinder and Emerald. I knew it was a risk, and if caught, Ozpin might think I was a Salem Spy, but I had to find out more. If I had to accuse Cinder of something, I had to figure out why she was here and HOW she was a teacher now.

Turns out this wasn’t new. Cinder had been a teacher at Beacon for five whole years before I even came to Remnant. She was well respected by the students and her fellow teachers. I of course knew she was tricking them all for her evil purposes, but what I couldn’t figure out was why she was doing this. “Ms. Fall” was here before I could even have caused any changes this drastic.

So this brought me to the most logical conclusion, when I arrived here whatever force brought me sent out some sort of…time ripple or something that changed the past slightly.

…

…

…

Okay so it wasn’t the most logical conclusion, but that was the only reason I could think of that could cause Cinder’s, and by extension Salem’s, plans to change so much.

I wasn’t just transported to another reality, I also time travelled to right before Volume I started. And if Barry Allen ever taught me one thing, it’s that Time Travel has far reaching consequences that you wouldn’t even think of.

Heck Emerald only recently got hired last year, so something in the past must have changed things and it was more than likely my fault.

With this in mind, I decided that I would research Remnant’s past more thoroughly to see what that change was and how it affected the here and now.

If only I knew just how much changed, then maybe I would have been less stupefied by what I found out.

Anyway, so that’s what I found out from my snooping. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to get me worried and put my paranoia on overdrive.

So it’s understandable that when I heard sounds of fighting going on I started to panic.

The hell!? Why is there fighting going on now? Beacon shouldn’t be attacked till later, so why…shit! Is Cinder attacking now!?

So while I would usually run away from the sounds of combat, my paranoia needed to be assured that the worst case scenario wasn’t happening. So I rushed off with my cart to the sound of fighting. To my relief, when I got to the source I saw it was coming from a door marked “Combat Training Room B.”

“Oh thank God it’s just Goodwitch’s combat class. For a second there I thought crazy fire lady was commencing her plan early,” I sighed out in relief.

And while I should’ve just turned around and left…my curiosity got the better of me.

“You know…getting to see one of the classic RWBY fights in person without the risk of injury or death would be pretty awesome. And classes are almost over anyway so it’s not like anyone will be causing any big messes too soon…Ah what the heck might as well!”

So like the battle crazy fanboy that I am I entered the Training Room doors and was greeted to the sight of a bunch of students sitting in stadium like seats. Ahead of them was an arena with Goodwitch watching over it with a huge screen behind her. Luckily she didn’t notice so I took the chance to see who was fighting…and was instantly disappointed.

Ah hell it’s just Jaune getting his ass kicked by Cardin…wait is this the one we saw in the episode or the one of the ones leading up to that one? Eh doesn’t matter, might as well lea-

My thought was interrupted, however, as I noticed that Cardin…well, noticed me. It was subtle mind you, but I saw his eyes look towards me for a moment before going back to Jaune.

I know for a fact that that jackass had evil shine in his eyes! You know why I think that? Well after he saw me he just so happened to ‘accidently’ smash Jaune’s shield right out of his hand…and straight towards me! As Jaune’s metal, heavy and more than likely painful shield made its way towards me there was only one thing I could think of…which I proceeded to yell at the top of my lungs…

“HOLY SHIT-MONKEYS ON A STICK!!!”

…

And yes, that video is also on the internet if you’re curious. Damned adorable nosey bunny eared brat…

}End of Episode{

Chapter Text

So if you watched Rabbit Girl’s video, you know what happened next as Jaune’s shield made a bee line for my delicate face. If not, then I bet you will watch it to prove I’m not lying by what came next.

So there I was, screaming my head off as the shield was slowly flying towards me…well…it wasn’t actually slowly flying towards me. In reality I only had about a second and a half of reaction time, that’s what happens when giant meat heads strike an object with heavy force. But you know how movies and some people seem to claim that in a death defying scenario everything seems to move in slow motion for the person involved? Well they were kinda right.

When faced with death, the brain processes information at such a high speed, it seems as if things are going slower than they are. So yeah, everything was in some sort of slow-mo for me as I entered into a split second version of The Zone when the shield was flung my way.

With my brain processing into overdrive, a million different scenarios played out in my mind almost instantaneously, each and every one trying to figure out the best course of action. And in that tenth of a millisecond, one thought stuck out above the rest.

What would Keanu Reeves do?

It may sound random, but The Zone is not to be trifled with. With this thought, the answer became obvious and I did the one thing I could do to avoid decapitation.

I, Chris ‘Joker’ Sullivan, somehow managed to pull off the Matrix bullet dodge scene to avoid a shield flying towards my face.

I have honestly no clue how I even did it so don’t bother asking. I had little to no physical strength thanks to my previous inactive life, and even then I wasn’t exactly at my healthiest. One disgusting trash sandwich after months of street living does not an athlete make. I don’t even know how I managed stay balanced and not fall on my ass when I bent backwards. What I can tell you is that it is not a comfortable position, AT ALL!!! If you don’t believe me, then go watch Velvet’s Video!

 So yeah, I somehow managed to avoid the shield via some impossible bullshit as it flew through where my head used to be and imbedded itself into the door I’d come through.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I ALMOST GOT DECAPITATED BY A SHEILD!!! A SHIELD!!! My mind screamed as my heart started doing gymnastics along my ribcage. That sucker was imbedded a good couple inches in, so yes, I’m not exaggerating when I say that it would have cut my head off.

As my mind came back into the regular time zone, I realized how badly my lower back and knees were hurting staying in that Keanu pose. So, with some effort, I grunted and groaned as I brought my upper half to it’s more appropriate position. As I did so I found I was receiving, you guessed it, more stares.

The most noticeable one’s being Glynda’s look of fury, Cardin’s look of disappointment (suck it Cardin!), and team JNPR’s look of relief (with Nora still being plenty of excited like normal), but the biggest relieved face belonged to Jaune.

Can’t really blame him, the fine for your weapon killing a staff member must be huge. That, or jail time, but who knows how this stupid world actually works, I thought as I saw him wipe sweat from his brow.

With everybody giving me more stares that would last a lifetime, I decided to break the awkward silence as I chuckled nervously.

“Hehehehe…good thing I took those extra Yoga classes huh?”

That seemed to snap Glynda out of her fury, which turned to mild rage as she said,

“Mr. Sullivan! Do you have any idea how much danger you just put yourself in for entering a Combat Classroom in the middle of a match!?”

I looked at the impaled shield and then back at her with a blank look.

“Yes… yes I do,” I said with a rub of my throat. “But in my defense dumbass over there decided my head looked like a bull’s-eye in need of a hole!”

“I highly doubt Mr. Winchester had anything to do with your poorly timed entrance,” she said in doubt. “Also, please refrain from insulting the students with such vulgarity.”

“It ain’t vulgar if it’s true! This idiot tried to touch a dust frozen table earlier with his bare hands!” I argued.

 “The same table you destroyed with explosive dust not five minutes later?” she countered.

“Well…yeah…but…”

“Mr. Sullivan, you are the adult here so act like it. Or shall I add the door’s repair to the deduction in your pay check?” she threatened with a raised eyebrow.

I really wanted to argue, I really did! I know what I saw, and the smug look Cardin was sending me only doubled my belief that the block-head did it on purpose. But I couldn’t risk any more attention being drawn on me then there already was. Being known as the crazy janitor who actually stood up to Glynda and tried to beat her in an argument would not help me avoid the plot.

Or maybe it would have. Maybe the students would’ve avoided the crazy guy who constantly butted heads with the scariest teacher in the school…Crap!

Well that option wasn’t even on the board at the time as I was extremely worried about my paycheck, and by extension my ticket out of the slums away from crazy terrorists with fluffy ears and tails.

 “Yes Ms. Goodwitch,” I grumbled with a heavy sigh.

That seemed to satisfy her, but her stern expression remained.

“Good, now please make yourself useful and retrieve Mr. Arc’s shield so that we may continue the match,” she ordered.

Grumbling, I turned around and began yanking on the hunk of metal that nearly killed me with all my might. As I said earlier, it was really embedded in there.

Stupid Cardin! I tell you off and make you look stupid just once and you try to kill me!? I expect something like this from one of Salem’s goons, not you! Well two can play at that game! I thought bitterly as a mischievous grin crossed my lips.

“Do you require assistance Mr. Sullivan?” asked Glynda in an annoyed tone as all my yanking proved futile.

“I got it, I got it!” I waved her off as I opened the door and grabbed one of the add-ons from my cart. A trusty crowbar.

True it’s not standard Janitorial Equipment, but you never know when you need a crowbar in life. Whether to pry your way out of a sealed room, open a treasure chest, or if you need to whack some space zombies attached to scientist heads’, a crowbar will always come through in the end!

With such a helpful companion in my hand, my grin doubled as I attacked the problem anew. Some of the students caught my grin, and those who were from the lab table incident or who saw my breakdown at lunch (the hunger one, not the garbage one) all gained looks of unease. Once again Nora proved to be the exception. I dare say her look of excitement only got bigger. Poor nosey Velvet who had seen both lunch incidents continued to record me with awe and trepidation, which is how I even knew what the other students were thinking, because at that moment, I was too involved planning out my revenge to notice them.

Planning a prank on the fly is one of my many talents in the art of messing with others. So much so in fact that it doesn’t even require the mental fortitude of The Zone. Of course some (many) would see this talent as either ‘annoying’ or ‘wasteful’ but I see it as a way to get back at the jerks and jackasses of the world via the ultimate kind of punishment. Embarrassment!

When I finally liberated the shield from its door prison I accidentally folded it into its skinny form (I hadn’t known where the switch for it was) and fumbled with it for a bit. The look of genuine shock brought much enjoyment to my apprehensive audience, so much so that they didn’t catch the sly grin that crossed my lips. I knew exactly how I was going to get back at the moron.

After putting my crowbar back on the cart, I headed towards the stage, keeping an annoyed look on my face the entire time. I couldn’t let them get suspicious.

As I passed by Cardin I ‘accidentally’ opened the shield to its full size and ‘clumsily’ bumped into him. He grunted in annoyance while I mumbled an apology at my ‘clumsiness’ and others in the class giggled.

I then handed Jaune his shield. He looked like he was going to say something to me, but before he could, I quickly whispered to him,

“Hit Right Knee, kick his ass when it goes off,” and I walked back to the door and my cart.

Jaune was rightfully confused at my grammatically incorrect advice, but I only had so much time to get the info across. For you see, I may or may not have snuck a Steam pellet into Cardin’s knee guard when I bumped into him.

And before you all start asking, “But Chris, isn’t that cheating?” I’ll just stop you right there and say, yes. Yes it is. But that little prick deserved it. I figured the best way to get back at him was to hit him where it hurt the most, his pride. What better way than to have the worst fighter in Beacon beat you? No offense to Jaune, I know the kid could kick my scrawny ass without effort, but compared to the other super-powered teens…yeah…On the plus side a victory would also double for improving his confidence.

I hope you follow through and kick his ass kid, I thought to myself as I pushed my cart out the door before closing it. Then I stealthily looked through the door’s thin new window to watch the madness unfold safely.

I knew everyone would get suspicious if Cardin suddenly exploded into steam, but since I wasn’t in the room anymore, I doubted I’d be the first suspect on their list, at least until I was safely on the other side of the campus.

With me out of the room, Glynda sighed before announcing to the class,

“Well with that distraction out of the way let us continue the match. Mr. Arc and Mr. Winchester assume your combat stances.”

Even though I wasn’t a fighter and I knew video games didn’t count, I could still tell that Jaune’s stance was lacking in…well everything. He looked way too stiff and he was wide open all over the place. Cardin wasn’t much better, but in his case it was just him being a cocky little douche who was far too relaxed than he should have been.

That’s right dick-weed, underestimate your opponent. If my experience in all things action and cheesy pop-culture have taught me anything, it’s that you’re leading to your own downfall, I thought vindictively.

After a few seconds of Glynda checking their stances (a disappointing look on her face the entire time) she sighed yet again before announcing,

“Right, well you all remember the rules. When the timer goes off you must either fight your opponent till their Aura is in the red or till they are knocked out of the ring. If I believe the fight has gone on too long or it begins to go out of control I will step in to stop it. Are we clear?”

A nervous and cocky nod were all that answered her, and with that she started the timer.

As the ding sounded off, the two fighters clashed…or well clashed in the sense of Jaune trying to attack and Cardin just smacking him around like a dead fish.

This would go on for quite a while. It was actually hard to watch, just seeing Jaune get knock around like he was just yesterday’s garbage was brutal.

Come on Jaune! Where’s that underdog strength when you need it?!

Thankfully, a certain hyperactive teammate of his shouted at the top of her lungs,

“COME ON JAUNE! BREAK HIS LEGS!”

That seemed to get Jaune’s attention as his eyes suddenly widened and he started to stare…right at Cardin’s right knee guard.

Yes! Thank you Nora!  Now he has the necessary encouragement and information to win like the protagonist he is! I thought in pride as I grinned happily. Glancing her way I saw her continuing to cheer where for some reason Ren was giving her an inquisitive look.

Huh. Wonder why he seems so confused, she says stuff like that all the time. If this pans out, I should do something nice for her. Like make her pancakes…or put a picture of a baby sloth in her locker. Yeah… Less awkwardness involved in that choice, I reasoned as I considered what rumors the White Fang were spreading about me. And baby sloths are adorable, I will fight you if you say otherwise.

As I looked back to Jaune, I thought that I saw Nora look over to the crack in the door with a huge grin on her face. But when I blinked her eyes were back on the fight.

Wait…Does she know the plan? Or am I just seeing things?

Before I could focus too much on that thought, Cardin’s annoying laugh turned my attention.

“What’s the matter Jauney? Finally giving up?” he taunted mistaking Jaune’s tactician face for one of doubt. I on the other hand could all but hear the gears turning in his head as he came up with a plan, which is what he did best. The guy was a leader for a reason after all.

But no one saw what he did next coming. He threw his freaking sword at Cardin!

It was a strange and yet bold tactic that confused practically everyone in the room and myself, and even Cardin was so dumbfounded by it that he didn’t even bother to dodge. The sword struck him right in the right knee guard.

“Hell Yeah! Great Shot Kid, One in a Million!” I cheered aloud at how good his aim was.

Cardin on the other just looked at the sword on the ground before laughing.

“Hahaha! What’s the matter? Did you actually think that was going to hurt me or som-What the!?” He cut himself off as steam began to steadily rise out of his knee.

Suffice to say, there were audible gasps from those inside.

Huh…I guess the pellet was only cracked by the impact, I thought inquisitively. If that’s the case then it’s only natural to assume that the dust will begin to build up before it completely explodes. Interesting…

Cardin meanwhile was having a coughing fit.

“*Cough* *Hack* What the hell did you do Arc?!” he yelled as his eyes watered and he started clawing at his knee pad.

“I…Uh…” Jaune stammered before gaining an uncharacteristically stern look. “Let off some steam Cardin.”

The whole arena went quiet at that quip as they gave him deadpanned looks. Somewhere in the distance I swore I heard Yang laugh in joy. I myself felt a swell of pride for the blonde haired audience surrogate.

Oh I don’t even care if that was out of character! You just referenced Commando of all things! Welcome to the dark side Jaune, we have bad puns and jokes waiting for you to learn… I squeed internally.

As if comedic timing had a mind of its own (which it does) the steam pellet decided that Jaune’s pun was its que to go boom as suddenly Cardin was encased entirely in steam.

“But Chris!” I hear you scream. “Isn’t steam very hot water vapor?! Isn’t that dangerous?!” And to that I say, quit interrupting my damn story with your valid concerns!

Yes steam can be so hot as to cause severe burns on human flesh but…

…

…

…

Okay, maybe I didn’t think about that in my quest for vengeance when, say, a ordinary smoke pellets could have done the same job.

I mean, the steam dust was modified to how saunas and spas used them for their facilities, so I assumed that it wouldn’t be hot enough to melt the moron into goo but…

Look, he wasn’t screaming in agony or anything so my gamble paid off OK?! I wasn’t actively trying to kill the students, and I’d like you to take those accusations elsewhere!

It was just a prank!

I DON’T WORK FOR SALEM!!!

…

…

…

Sorry, force of habit.  

Back to my PRANK, Jaune realized his chance as he gave a war cry, brought up his shield and charged into the dust like Captain America. A loud meaty thunk then filled the air and Cardin flew out of the cloud and over the edge of the arena where he landed flat on his back, Knocked Out.

Once again silence filled the air, before Team JNPR began whooping up a storm for their leader who came out of the Steam cloud with both his weapons and a confident smirk on his face. The other students applauded along, mostly dumbfounded at this turn of events.

Wiping a tear of joy out of my eye I quickly left the scene of the crime, my chuckles resounding down the hall. Vengeance is pretty awesome sometimes. I totally recommend it.

Of course I didn’t get off scot free though. Goodwitch made sure of that. And in handing me down my punishment, she ensured that not only would I not be avoiding the plot, but that I would be conflicted on my feelings towards one of the key players.

}Line Break{

I thankfully had a good few hours before this came about though.

The combat class was one of the last for the day, but a janitor’s hours are different than a student’s, so I still had to do my trash duty even after everyone else got off.

In that time Velvet had posted not only the two videos of my exploits, but also of Cardin getting his ass kicked by Jaune. I couldn’t really blame her, Cardick's the guy who was always tugging on her ears in the show after all, but still that girl works fast. An hour after classes had let out, Jaune’s victory video had been seen by practically every student on campus and Cardin had become one of the biggest laughing stocks of the school.

I knew the humiliation would only drive him more into douchiness. Cardin was a bully, once a douche, always a douche, and in order to recover his pride, he would double down. Still it did give others confidence that he wasn’t invincible, and for weeks to come, he would be licking his wounds in embarrassment. Plus Jaune seemed a lot happier. The only reason that match didn’t become viral was because of my other two aforementioned Crazy Janitor videos.

But yeah, while Cardin was hiding away from his damaged pride with his goons, and Jaune’s spine was growing more solid, I was busy doing my actual job not realizing my newfound internet celebrity status. And while I cleaned up an empty classroom, my paranoid mind was harshly berating me for going through with my vengeance.

You Idiot! Jaune wasn’t supposed to do anything to Cardin till the Forever Fall Arc! But now he’s gone and gotten a confidence boost and won early!

“I know, I know, but I couldn’t help it. I hate that meat head’s face,” I whined aloud as I swept up some chalk dust.

Do you have any idea how much you’ve changed the plot? What if he and Pyrrha don’t have their intense bonding moments because of this? She’s supposed to be the one to make him grow as a character!

“Well is that even gonna matter in the long run? That ship does not sail! Stupid Grimdarkness!” I growled dumping the chalk into the trash can.

Don’t remind me. And whether that’s the case or not, it’s how the story is SUPPOSED to go. Think of the Butterfly Effect Man! The Butterfly Effect!

“I got it, I got it! I know I screwed up, but I had a very good reason for it..”

…

…

…

“Okay so they were very petty and selfish reasons but give me a break! It’s not like I can fix this. Anything that would put things back on track would mean helping Douchey McDoucherton, and I’m gonna give a big HELL NO to that plan!”

Ugh! Stupid valid points! Alright, just don’t do anything else stupid today.

“What, like argue with myself aloud in an empty classroom like some nutjob?” I asked in annoyance…just as I heard the telltale sound of a Scroll text message.

Looking to the door of the classroom I saw Velvet recording me once again and gritting her teeth in annoyance and shock at her sudden text.

“Oh my god are you serious?!!!” I yelled as she eeped, and shut the door, bounding away. “I will get a restraining order you little stalker!” I called out after her. Sighing, I put my face into my palms.

Ugh. Today has not been my day. I’ve got so many people watching me now it’s ridiculous. Besides my Bunny Paparazzi, I’ve got Ozpin and his machinations, Goodwitch because of my incompetence, The Freaking White Fang thinking I’m a Loli-Con, and the list just goes on and on! I bemoaned.

Yeah, I felt pretty low. Also add in all the students who thought I was insane and Cinder Fall and Emerald being my coworkers, and you had a recipe for extreme self-reflection.

Hell, I was still worried about Blake if you can believe it. This was still early in Volume I, so she was most definitely still semi-supportive of The White Fang. I was worried that she felt those Faunus were justified somewhat by the Foxy situation in regards to me.

“Uuuugggghhhh…” I groaned as I laid my head upon my tricked-out cart and let the pressure of my actions build up on my shoulders. I sat there for a long time freaking out about the Butterfly Effect and what sort of unholy terror it would bring upon the world because of some idiotic action on my part, (Which sadly would turn out to be a typical work day for me). My melancholy was simultaneously broken and added onto when everyone’s favorite cry of ‘Hey! Listen!’ started to come from my pocket.

Sighing so hard I could have cracked a rib, I took out my Scroll and read the message. And let me tell you I did not like what it said.

Mr. Sullivan,

See me in my office immediately.

From, Professor Goodwitch

Now to the rest of you this might seem like just a simple, ordinary message that would mean nothing negative in the slightest. But then you have to remember this was Goodwitch that sent the message. I had interfered with one of her classes, and it was only a matter of time before she figured it out. Basically those eleven words were Goodwitch’s polite way of saying ‘you done messed up, get your ass to my office so I can fire you.’

Well…this is it Chris. Not even a day in and you already got yourself fired. You just had to prank that douche bag and blow up that lab table didn’t you!? This is the Wal-Mart incident all over again!

Resigning myself, I stuffed my pockets full of things I could sell when I got kicked out before I wheeled my stinky, hairy, unkempt self towards my fate.

If only that had been the case…

}Line Break{

Goodwitch’s office was located in a room across from the elevator leading to Ozpin’s.

Makes sense, she is Ozpin’s second in command both for the school and for his war with Salem after all, I mused.

Getting there wasn’t too much of a hassle either as it was away from the dorms and bullhead docking area, so I didn’t have to deal with any students or main characters along the way.

That being said my walk there was nowhere near as relaxing as I made it out to be with the absence of students. The entire way there I had a face of a man on death row, cold, sober, and filled to the brim with dread.

As I approached her office door, I parked my cart off to the side and gulped in dread.

This is it. Time to face her Riding Crop, Whip, Wand Thing of Doom before she suplexes me into the unemployment line. This is probably for the best though, at least now I won’t be in the middle of ALL the plot. On the flip side though, now I won’t have a safe haven from the White Fang. Man I hope I can somehow sneak a ride to Menagerie before the Fang get me first.

Yeah, you see my back-up plan for if I ever found myself in a dangerous situation in Vale, no matter the circumstance, was to make a break for Menagerie. Out of all the regions of Remnant that one was used the least in the series and was mentioned very little when it was brought up. I figured that it was where the least amount of plot could happen so I’d hide out there till I found some way home…or at least live there in peace.

Heck my original plan when I started working at Ye Old Dust Shop was to save some cash up to move there… But then Ruby showed up, and my inability to hold onto my money for a sustainable period of time got in the way and that plan and sent it down the drain.

Anyway, with a deep breath I opened Goodwitch’s door and prepared myself for the worst.

…

…

…

What I got was a very calm Glynda filling out some papers on her desk. I had honestly thought that I would be entering the layer of a pissed off demon, so I was a little stunned to see how calm she was. My shock wasn’t very apparent as Goodwitch just looked up from her work before looking back at it and saying,

“Don’t just stand there Mr. Sullivan. Please come in and have a seat.”

That snapped me out of my shock as I just nodded dumbly and entered her room. As the door shut behind and I made my way to a chair in front of her desk I decided to look around Goodwitch’s office.

It was honestly…pretty average and boring looking. It looked like every vice-principle office in every school ever. Just some bookshelves in the back, a bunch of filing cabinets, some lamps and a few mini-tables and that’s about it. The only things of note were her desk which had a picture of someone I didn’t recognize on it, and the two windows that sat directly behind her.

Geeze…this place has to be the dullest office I have ever been in. Seriously not a single motivational poster or some school propaganda stuff? Talk about no personality.

….

I really hope Goodwitch can’t read minds.

With that ingenious thought I sat down in the chair opposite her desk. There were a few awkward minutes of silence as she finished up her papers. Just when I opened my mouth to break that gnawing silence, she spoke up in an eerily calm tone.

“Reckless Handling of Dust, Destruction of School Property, Two Accounts of Student Endangerment, Several accounts of Student Harassment, Disrespectful Conduct Towards Fellow Faculty Members, and Egregious Personal Hygiene...” she listed off before lifting her head and gazing right at me. “Those are just some of the many infractions you have committed at this school on your very first day of employment.”

I wanted to speak up on my behalf, mostly for that second to last charge, because I fully acknowledged that I did all the other stuff, but I didn’t remember disrespecting any faculty. I wanted to ask her to clarify…but that look she was giving me shut me up.

And let me tell, it was the same look a parent would give a child they were severely disappointed in.

…

…

…

Not gonna lie, that look kinda hurt. The flashback I got from my own parents didn’t help, but luckily before I could go too far down memory lane Goodwitch continued with her lecture.

“Do you know what I would normally do to a person in your situation Mr. Sullivan?”

I have a pretty good idea, let me guess the word your about to say rhymes with dire?

As if reading my thoughts Glynda continued,

“I would have you fired from this campus and have security escort you off the premises post-haste and wipe all records of your involvement with this school from the record.”

I couldn’t help but wince at how plainly she said that.

Damn that’s harsh. I mean I get the whole firing thing but to wipe your record from it!? Does she really have to explain what’s gonna happen to me, can’t she ju-

“But…”

That sent my thoughts to a screeching halt.

“Taking in your current situation I will have to push the usual solution aside for the time being.”

I couldn’t keep the bewildered look off my face, and Goodwitch certainly noticed as her voice took on a…sympathetic tone.

“Believe it or not Mr. Sullivan I was once in a similar position as you are when I was younger, so understand that I know it is tough for you to reintegrate back into society and act rationally.”

Where the hell is this coming from!? Goodwitch was a hobo!? When the hell did this happen!? Was this even apart of the original back-story or is the time changing thing happening again!? AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN REINTERGATE INTO SOCEITY!?

All these questions went ignored as, well, I didn’t exactly voice them since they would sound insane to her. That and I was too shocked to really talk.

Here I was learning something new about a character I thought I understood, and instead of geeking out I was having an internal panic attack wondering if this was canon or not.

…

…

…

Truly the paranoia of the Butterfly Effect severely messed up my priorities.

As I was having this internal panic Glynda continued on.

“That said, I still disagree that Ozpin should have hired you right on the spot. If anything you should have been given a trial period to work out and avoid these…eccentricities,” she then let out a sigh. “But he is in charge, and his word is law. Even if I did fire you I feel as though he would negate it. Once he takes interest in a person, Ozpin hardly lets them go. Especially those he’s keen on playing chess with.”

I won’t bother you with what I was thinking, but let’s just say there were a lot of ‘shits’ and ‘Why Me’s?’ in most of my thoughts during the Ozpin part

“And as such, if you are to continue working at this Academy I cannot allow you to continue with this kind of behavior, so a punishment must be given in order for you to learn.”

“P-P-Punishment?” I stammered. “Are you going to take off even more from my paycheck?”

Raising an eyebrow she answered,

“Not quite Mr. Sullivan. You will still be charged for the destroyed lab equipment yes, but the punishment is more of the loss of your independence at this academy.”

“Huh?” I dumbly grunted.

“I shall be assigning a senior maintenance staff member to chaperone you as you work. From now until I am satisfied you can properly carry out your duties without being a liability to yourself or others, this colleague of yours will be your partner and immediate superior.”

A babysitter? She’s giving me a freaking babysitter?! I thought in annoyance and groaned.

Well there goes my self appointed breaks and research time.

“Do not fret so Mr. Sullivan, this option is really for the best considering the alternatives. I dare say it will help you in many regards, the least of all being respectfully working with your fellow Faculty members.”

“I…Look, I’m sorry if I upset you Ms. Goodwitch. I usually get along well with co-workers, and I don’t actively try to-“

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to Mr. Sullivan, you have done nothing malicious towards my own person today” she cut me off causing me to raise my brow in shock.

“You’re not?” I asked. “Then who?”

“Why Professor Fall of course,” she responded simply.

For a few good seconds there my mind kind of melted.

“What?!” I gasped out.

“I received a complaint from Ms. Fall this afternoon that upon your arrival this morning you personally insulted her before suspiciously running off into the campus. Now I know you weren’t hired at the time, but we still have to adhere to the concerns of our faculty...”

“I What?!” I sputtered as I couldn’t believe the words I was hearing.

When the hell did I insult her? I was too scared to do that! And I’m suspicious? Really?!

“I…but…She burned my…I don’t…!” I sputtered as I rubbed my shoulder.

“Ah yes, she did mention that. Well it is policy for faculty to escort suspicious individuals to the headmaster, but believe you me Mr. Sullivan, you’re lucky you complied and went with her. Cinder takes the safety of Beacon and it’s students very seriously.”

…

…

…

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!!!

That sentence has no business being uttered by Glynda Goodwitch of all people! And with such a straight face no less! Cinder cares about the students?!

BULLSHIT!

While I mentally screamed and anguished, Glynda continued her spiel, unaware of my screaming brain.

“But I digress. She’s been informed of your unique circumstances, and though her temper may be fiery, she’s not one to hold a grudge. I’m sure you two will start anew given time and the guidance of your chaperone.”

BULLSHIT!!!

I heard the door to Goodwitch’s office open, but I didn’t bother to look as my internal screaming took precedence.

“Ah, speaking of which,” she said as she stood up from her chair, “Mr. Sullivan, I’d like you to meet your new partner and chaperone. She will be sending me weekly reports of your progress. Until the time in which I see fit to let you work on your own, I hope that you will get along with Ms. Zatanna.”

WHAT?!!! I mentally screamed and turned around. My jaw was damn near to the floor as I saw Emerald in her disguised form smiling at me as she stood in front of Goodwitch’s door.

“Hey Starving Man, looks like you’re gonna be stuck with me for a while huh?” she chuckled as my brain started to boil. “Just try not to do anything too crazy and you’ll be on your own in no time. Easy Peasy Right?”

You know in cartoons how they show a thermometer bursting when a character hits their breaking point and explodes in anger.

“OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME! GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!!”

Well let’s just say I hit mine.

Oh and I didn’t say freaking… .

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

I wish I could say the following weeks of me being under Emerald’s watch was terrible. That she worked me into the ground and then some. That she made my life a living hell and that she was a sadistic crazy nutbag.

I really, really, really wish I could say all that, I honestly do! But I…I just can’t! If anything those few weeks were actually quite pleasant and…enjoyable.

(Sigh), I guess I should explain things huh? Well you better sit back cause this is gonna be a doozy.

Ahem…

So as you all probably remember when I first found about Emerald being assigned my supervisor I may have had a tiny, itsy-bitsy little freak-out.

…

…

…

Okay, so maybe it was more than a little freak-out, but the point is that after I managed to calm down, I was able to explain how I wasn’t mad that Emerald was my supervisor but that I needed a babysitter.

Truthfully Emerald really was the reason, but I didn’t have any reasonable excuse that wouldn’t make me sound insane. I mean what would I tell them, that Emerald was an evil henchman working with one of the most respected teachers at the school to destroy the world and bring about Grimm Darkness?

Not only would they throw me in the loony bin for that (among other reasons) but that would also get Cinder and her goons on my trail. That or a visit from everyone’s favorite tiny ice-cream themed sociopath to introduce her umbrella to my neck!

So yeah, they seemed to accept my answer, but Goodwitch still lectured me about watching my tongue and language and not to have outbursts like that in front of the students, and Emerald just laughed it off. She’d seen my freak-out at lunch, so she wasn’t really all that surprised.

And so began my forced tutelage/monitoring by Emerald.

The first week after my first eventful day of work, nothing really happened. Emerald and I went about our duties as janitors, and no opportunities really presented themselves for me to have “an episode.” Though that didn’t stop Hoppity McStalkerton from trying to record me doing something crazy, but for that week she would be disappointed.

I did my damndest to be just an ordinary janitor because I had Cinder Fall’s most loyal soldier watching over my every action. Any communication between us was meaningless small talk and business workplace chat, which I would only give small replies to. I kept it that way out of my insane paranoia so that I wouldn’t accidentally say anything that would pique her interest.

On the bright side I didn’t really run into team RWBY during that time, so I figured they stopped trying to seek me out. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to feel relieved since they wouldn’t get involved with White Fang early, or saddened since they gave up on me. Either way, I felt a little of both.

I tried not to think too much on it, I didn’t need the extra stress. No, Instead I put all my focus on trying to secure my daily meals without any trouble. Secretly living in the school was hard enough as it was, but trying to get my food without any complications was just a whole other level of hard.

…

…

…

Oh right…I haven’t explained the whole ‘secretly living in Beacon’ thing have I? Let me rectify that.

So another good thing in those few weeks was that I had some of the best sleep of my life…well, comparatively to my old box.

See, I did not want to head back to Vale, not with the White Fang on the prowl for my hide. It’s not like I had anything to go back to, my box wouldn’t miss me, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to go anywhere where Foxy might find me again. That little brat was the reason I was in this mess in the first place.  

So no, I decided that I wasn’t going to be a hunted hobo anymore, I was going to be an in-hiding squatter! And my hideout naturally was the maintenance room.

Janitors had later hours compared to the rest of the staff, and while nearly everyone else would get on a bullhead into town, I would just clock out, go the room to retrieve my belongings and just not leave. There was a nice little corner between the wall and shelf that held our sanitation chemicals that I claimed for myself. It was dry, not to warm or cold, and smelled faintly of oranges. You’d be surprised how comfy a corner could be, especially with the padding I tripped it out with.

Since it was a boarding school and the majority of the students lived there, there was a full maid service. On my rounds during my very eventful first day, I had taken the liberty to…borrow some bedding and pillows.

Hey, it’s not stealing if it never left the grounds alright?!

But yeah, they had bedding and stuff specifically for lying on the floor. I’d always assumed that Ruby and the gang had just brought their own sleeping bags or something for that sleepover before their first test in Volume I, but I guess it’s nice to be proven wrong once in a while.

That night, after my bed had been secured, I took a whole gallon of hand soap and snuck into the Locker Rooms and I finally, finally got to take a shower after two months!

Let me tell you I had no clue water could turn such a deep shade of brown. I’m pretty sure two pounds worth of dirt fell from my beard and hair alone. I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it for myself…and I did feel lighter after it too.

I stayed under that glorious water for at least an hour, and only after I had exited did I realize how truly horrendous I had smelled. The smell on my clothes was so bad, I couldn’t even believe I had gotten used to it, or how Ruby and the rest could have stood being so close to me. Looking into the mirror, I still looked like a Mountain Man with my scruffy beard hanging a good three inches, but at least I was a clean mountain man again.

After that, I burned all my old stinky rotting clothes in the furnace and sent their ashes up to the old gods. My hoodie was the only thing to avoid this fate (I loved it too much) so I put that through the communal Laundromat the student’s used with a whole jug of detergent, and a healthy dose of bleach for good measure. After that, I assembled a new mix matched outfit from clothing I picked up from the lost and found.

Hey! It was Lost and I Found it! It’s all in the name! Aside from the two pairs of baggy green track pants I’d acquired, I also had a hot pink shirt that said Princess on the front in gold lettering that perfectly fit my malnourished form.

And yes, I wore that outfit proudly under my jumpsuit because it was soft, clean, breathed easily and felt good against my skin. I still wear it even now as a matter of fact, despite the holes, scorch marks and blood stains.

…

…

…

I will not apologize for comfort.

So with my new green and pink, but very comfortable outfit, I slept upon my borrowed bed, and it was glorious.

It’s amazing what getting a good night’s sleep can do for your mental well being…well it certainly doesn’t hurt.

And so for that first week, I would implement this system of living in the school, sleeping in my corner, taking hot showers, etc. On my off days, I would just wear my uniform and pretend I was part of the weekend crew and hang out in the maintenance room for most of the day. I don’t know how I didn’t get found out by the higher ups. I mean, there were cameras everywhere in that school. Maybe they just didn’t care enough about what I was doing, but for whatever reason I wasn’t harassed about it.

There was still one problem though, and that was acquiring food.

Even though I hadn’t been found out, I was still ever paranoid about my unique living conditions, and I still wanted to avoid attention.

In the early mornings I would wake up just as the kitchen was opening and before any normal students would arrive, grab my food and haul ass back to my room. After the day was done, I would wait till near closing time of the cafeteria to snatch up whatever leftovers were left when there were fewer students.

Lunch however was out of the question. I refused to go back to that cafeteria when everyone in the world and their dog was there. I was too paranoid that someone was gonna interact with me due to Velvet’s dumb videos.

I mean I doubt any of the students (sans Cardin) would actually attack me, but even still I had already garnered too much attention. I wanted to be just a simple background character that no one noticed unless they spoke, but instead I was practically known though-out the whole school as the insane trash eating janitor who would blow you up in a second.

It kept people away, and that was all fine and dandy for me since it meant less chances to accidently spill plot info or screw up the plot any more. No, really what it came down to was the stares.

As I’m sure I’ve pointed out, and will continue pointing out from here to the end of time, I am a very paranoid person. This paranoia stems from one simple thing, crowds. And I’m not talking standing with a group of people, no I’m talking about being the center of attention.

Everybody looking at you, silently judging your every action like you’re on some sort of talent show or something. I hate it so much. To suddenly be receiving mass amounts of stares was a nightmare for me, so I chose to avoid it at all costs.

Which brings me to the Friday of my second week as a janitor and how my life took another unexpected turn.

}Line Break{

 It was my lunch break, and there I sat in the Maintenance Room reading a book on Grimms while I was starving and dreaming of Dinner Time leftovers. (Incidentally that book had a lot of interesting information that the show never mentioned. Some of that info would actually save my life a few times down the road).

So as I read, and tried to ignore my stomach I was interrupted by the sound of the Maintenance Room door opening. Looking up from my reading I saw…Emerald holding two trays of food.

I was naturally confused at this so I asked,

“What’s with the double trays, extra hungry today?”

Emerald smirked at this as she walked over and sat on the opposite side of the table from me.

“Me? Not so much. You on the other hand…” she trailed off as she placed the extra tray in front of me.  

I dropped my book into my lap as I looked upon what was on that tray of food. A fully loaded foot long turkey sandwich, a mountain of tater tots, a chocolate cupcake, and a can of soda.

To say I was drooling would be an understatement.

“Just don’t go nuts and hug me like last time or I’ll have to tell Goodwitch,” she chuckled.

I looked up at this chuckling evil villain with confusion etched on every layer on my face.

My confused look deepened at that as I stared at the tray of food in front of me. Shoving a paranoid thought that it might be poisoned aside I instead asked,

“W-Why?” I asked.

“Um, well, because it technically counts as excessive affection, which isn’t allowed during school hours and-“

“No, I mean, why are you giving me food?” I clarified. Don’t get me wrong, I was starving mad, but this was still a villain after all, I couldn’t overlook the chance that she was going to poison me or something. Although that kind of thought got overwritten when she smiled back at me and said.

“Two reasons. One because it’s my job to watch out for you, and that includes making sure you don’t starve.”

She took a bite from her sandwich and swallowed before continuing with a softer look,

“The second is because I heard your little rant outside Goodwitch’s office yesterday. I figured some food would be a good pick-me-up for you.”

Rant is kind of a strong word.

You see, the day before had been payday and Emerald and I had both been handed our checks for the week the only problem was the number displayed on mine.

I was supposed to receive 40 Lein a week, which is more than generous considering we worked in a school where explosions could happen at any minute, but due to my Day 1 Shenanigans, I had only received 5 on my first paycheck. So when payday numero dos came about, I was more than a little miffed that the sum still read 5 Lein.

I of course brought my complaint to Glynda in the most perfectly calm manner possible.

“To be honest, I can’t believe she let you get away with yelling, ‘What The Hell’s With My Check Goodwitch?’ right to her face,” Emerald giggled.

As I said, perfectly calm.

After my outburst, Goodwitch merely adjusted her glasses and explained to me that my balance had not just been for the table, but for the dust samples and pieces of lab equipment I’d blown up also.

Faced with that, I accepted my pitiful check gracefully.

“And look,” Emerald said with a put off face, “I know our little situation is unique, but I don’t want you to feel as though I’m actively looking to punish you. I’m not out to get you or anything…”

Alright, I didn’t actively accept my check, I started doing what I do best. Ranting. I ranted to Goodwitch how I hated that I needed a babysitter, how stressed out I always was, and how I couldn’t go to the cafeteria anymore for fear of kids pulling out their weapons because of that stupid Rabbit’s videos. I even kicked my cart for emphasis.

All Goodwitch did was look at me as if I was a child throwing a tantrum, asked if I was done, and then told me to attend to my duties.

Apparently, Emerald had heard all that.

“I-I’m sorry,” I apologized humbly. “It’s not you, it’s just getting crummy pay kind of tipped me over the edge a bit. Th-Thank you for lunch, I really appreciate it.”

To this, Emerald smirked and replied,

“No worries man, we all have bad days now and again. Now go on, dig in before you wither away.”

I nodded at her words as I dug into my food. I didn’t even care if that I was displaying terrible table manners. And the food? It was delicious, with no hint of poison whatsoever…not that I would have known anyways, but still.

As I ate, I couldn’t help but ponder the woman in front of me in my usual paranoid manner.

Okay, what’s your game? Are you just being nice as a cover? Did Cinder put you up to this for some reason? God why can’t I read minds? Life would be so much easier!

Honestly I was surprised that I didn’t think up a whole list of reasons on why she was being nice to me. I guess hunger will do that to you.

Anyway, we ate in silence for a good couple of minutes, or as silent as my frantic chewing could be, before Emerald suddenly asked,

“So, Chris, I have to ask, What’s the deal with you and the students?”

CRAP! Did she see me with RWBY? Is she fishing for connections?

“I-Uh…*Gulp*” I swallowed my food. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what’s the deal? You never go into the cafeteria and you told Goodwitch you were afraid of them. Are you embarrassed because of the videos?”

“Well…not exactly. I…I don’t want to face too many of them if I can help it…I don’t like the stares…” I admitted.

She raised an eyebrow at that.

“Ah, I see. Can’t handle being the center of attention can ya? Yeah, I know the feeling,” she nodded as she took a bite of her sandwich.

I all but did a spit take upon her conclusion, and how quickly she had come to it.

HOW TH-!?! Dang she’s sharp for a henchmen! Cinder must have given her some lessons in perception or something!

Emerald apparently found my bemused look funny and laughed.

“Dang man, it’s not that hard to tell. Whenever the students start staring at you you get all clammy and you get this look in your eyes that screams ‘ah too many people.’”

“Hehehe…is it that obvious?” I chuckled in embarrassment.

“Yeah, kind of,” she deadpanned. “Which is surprising considering how often you become the center of attention with your…um…”

“Craziness? Insanity? Mad Scientist Antics? High Functioning Sociopathic Tendencies?  All of the above?”

And now it was her turn to do a spit take as she started choking a bit from laughter. She caught her breath after a few moments and said

“I was going to say personality, but hey those work too,” and giggled again causing me to join her.

“Yeah, my wonderful charm is both a gift and a curse…mostly a curse though. The amount of times I got kicked out of an apartment or fired can stand by that.”

Emerald chuckled again before saying,

“Oh I know the feeling. I once got fired from this fancy diner place I was waitressing at because one snobby rich dude said my hair style messed with the restaurant's beauty. The manager ordered me to change it, but when I told him no he canned me.”

“Dang that sucks,” I sympathized as I took a sip of my soda. “I don’t know about you but there would have been a stink bomb waiting in his office if that happened to me.”

“Actually, I did get a bit of revenge…” she chuckled mischievously, causing me to lean in with fascination. “Never doubt what time and four pounds of jam can do.”

My eyes widened as a huge grin crossed my face.

“Oh God don’t tell me…”

“Yup. I coated his entire office like it was a piece of bread.”

I started cracking up at that mental image.

“And not only that,” she continued, her shoulders shaking from laughter, “But he also had a sticky situation when he got into his car after work.”

And we both lost it at that, filling that Maintenance Room with merriment.

“Oh that is freaking brilliant! I can just imagine the look on the guys face! You know, as long as we’re exchanging prank stories how about I tell you about the time I…”

And so for the next couple of minutes Emerald and I talked about our various adventures in the art of pranking. There were no shortage of laughs during that break, just shortness of breath.

For the first time in a long time, my large scale paranoia wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Dangerous yes, but with it pushed back, I actually felt a little lighter.

We joked, we laughed, and we had an all around good time. At one point I unzipped my Jumper I was sweating so hard and she saw my Princess shirt and about died.

“AHAHAHAHA! Is Tha-Is That-Why are you wearing a pink shirt?” she cackled.

Without missing a beat, I declared in a serious manner.

“It’s Not Pink! It’s Lightish Red!”

And that set us off on a whole new level of guffaws as it should have. Donut is hilarious.

By the time we had finally calmed down, our lunch break was almost up and my sides hurt so much I felt as though I’d run a mile.

“Here, let me get that for you,” I declared as I picked up her tray and trash and emptied it with mine into the garbage can. I am a gentlemen to some degree…I AM!

When I came back around to the table, I saw her smirking at me once more.

“Hey what’s with the smug smile?”

Instead of answering me, she just nodded her head and said in determination,

“I’ve decided.”

“You decided what?” I asked in confusion. “That I make this shirt look good?“

“From now on I’m gonna bring you lunch!” she declared as she stood up from her seat, causing me to step back a little.

“Huh? Wha…why?”

“Because like I said before, it’s my job to watch over you, and when you’re properly fed, there’s a whole new you that shines. Since you aren’t good with all the staring kids, it’s my job to make sure you’re comfortable and fed….that and it would be nice to have these lunch chats again with you. I can’t even remember the last time I laughed that hard,” she finished with a smile.

I knew I should have just declined her proposal and told her not to bother. I knew I should have avoided her so that I had less of a chance of Cinder finding out more about me. I knew I should have distanced myself because I knew what she would be a part of. I knew all of that but…

That smile, and that grateful look in her eyes…

“Yeah…that sounds good,” I replied with my own smile.

…

…

…

What!? It was nice having a chat with someone without having to worry about The Butterfly Effect suddenly happening. B-besides I reasoned that if I could keep an eye on her, then maybe she might slip up and give me proof that Cinder was evil. If we were having lunch every day, I could keep tabs on her as well.

And…I really just needed a friend to talk to… Even if I suspected it was a façade…

…

…

…

I miss those lunch breaks with her…

}Line Break{

And so began my new daily routine.

Emerald was true to her word, and every single day she would join me in the Maintenance Room for lunch.

I…I found myself actually opening up more and more each day.

For a good three weeks we talked and laughed, hell we even shared stories about past employments. We conversed about our favorite movies, hobbies and other unimportant stuff that felt grand at the time…but you all don’t want to hear about that. Instead I’ll tell you guys of when I truly couldn’t figure out where I stood on her.

It was around the fourth week of her being my supervisor, a day before my next paycheck. The deductions to my previous check had been less substantial than the first two, but it was still pennies for the work I put in. (Thankfully, secretly living at the school allowed me to save those pennies.) Emerald and I had just finished our daily lunch chat when it happened.

“Look, you have a right to be annoyed. If some douchebag keeps tagging your apartment then you just need to make a complaint to the land owner,” I reassured her as I threw away the napkins and plates.

We had been discussing Emerald’s apartment problems, specifically how a couple of punks had been spray painting it recently. Normally a minor annoyance to the general population, but Emerald just so happened to be a neat-freak, which meant this problem was up there with gang land violence for her. I on the other hand was more surprised that she lived in an apartment at all, and one so close to the red-light district.

For a master pick-pocket and henchmen to the big bad you’d think you could afford a snazzier place…or maybe that’s part of your cover, I pondered.

“It’s not that easy Chris,” she said exasperated. “I have gone to the old geezer and she told the cops, but they’ve done squat in catching the brats. Sure the wall gets cleaned up, but the next day it’s just something else!”

“Not much you can do,” I told her with a shrug. “The cops could care less about a couple of greifers, especially when it’s so close to the red-light district.”

“I know, it just sucks,” she grumbled with a sigh.

I just patted her back in comfort as I said,

“Hey at least you got a place to rest. I’m still sleeping in a box in some alley till my old boss gets the shop rebuilt.”

Not technically a lie since I was still homeless, but I couldn’t have Cinder’s henchmen know I was staying at the school no matter how much I grew to trust her.

She looked at me in confusion for a bit before her eyes widened in remembrance.

“Oh right! You used to work at that Dust shop that blew to kingdom come right?”

I just held a small glare as I remembered how Grunt blew up all my clothes and food that night along with my place of work before I shook my head and said,

“Yeah I did,” I punctuated as a small glare came across my face.

Stupid Grunt, blowing up all my food and clothes. If I ever find you again, I’m coating your underwear with Icy Hot, I thought vindictively. To those that are ignorant of that cream’s effect on your nether regions…let’s just say it’s not very pleasant.

Putting my plans of vengeance to the back of my mind, I glanced back at her and continued.

“The boss finally got back from his trip, should be up and running again in three to four months, so who knows, maybe I’ll have a place to crash again.”

Would take less if the old man just hired a construction crew and not insist to rebuild it himself. Stupid family ‘traditions’ and his pride!

And to those wondering how I knew about my former boss’s return? A Phone Book. Yup, they still had those. I just looked up his number, called it, and he now had my Scroll number. He’d actually thought I had died after not hearing from me for so long, so I put his mind at ease.

Back to Emerald, she nodded at my explanation before looking to me in a strange manner.

“How…what is it like? Being homeless I mean,” she asked tepidly.

I couldn’t keep the confused/shocked look off my face at her rather out of nowhere question. I mean it’s pretty well accepted among the fandom that she was a street rat, so suddenly being asked how I handled the streets seemed pretty weird.

My confusion aside, I walked back to the table before resting my hands on it opposite of Emerald. I gave a heavy sigh before answering.

“Well…it was-isn’t the greatest experience of my life. Every day is another fight for survival and I feel like the whole world is out to get me. Trying to salvage food and sleeping in the cold sucks, and don’t even get me started on how everybody treats me. Some people act as though I’m a freaking Beowulf or something that will attack or rob them at the drop of a hat,” I then sucked in a shaky breath as I finished up my feelings. “It just sucks…and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy.”

Emerald was uncharacteristically quiet after I said that. None of her usual jokes or witty cracks at what I said that I had gotten used to.

It…honestly worried me. I know I shouldn’t have felt anything for why a villain was acting like that, but I had grown accustomed to her and I couldn’t help it.

So, being the kind friend that I am, I tried to change the topic.

“B-But things are looking up thanks to this job, and I won’t be in that situation for long. But enough about that, did you hear about ho-“

“How do you deal with it?” she interrupted with concern in her voice, causing me to blink in confusion. “I mean…how do you handle living like that? Don’t you ever feel hopeless, or want to give up?”

I had no clue at the time why she was asking this, but looking back on it the answer was obvious.

Clearly Emerald’s life on the streets was far…different compared to mine. A young girl by herself without a home for far longer than what I had gone through…yeah, she probably had it a hell of a lot worse than I did. She’d have had a whole new level of problems to face that I never had to go through.

I chose not to ask her about this, as I’m sure it was a sore spot for her. At that moment, I was a friend she was seeking an answer from, so I gave her one.

“I won’t lie, there are plenty of times I do feel hopeless. I want to give up almost all the time, but I don’t. I keep on trucking along, not because I’m determined or stubborn or anything like that, but because if I did, then I’d never see my family and friends again. If I give up, then the universe would win. I won’t let that happen.”

Flashes of my mother and sister back on Earth appeared in my head when I said this, and I could feel my resolve to find a way home harden once again.

Don’t worry guys…I’ll get home. I promise.

Apparently my answer wasn’t enough to snap Emerald out of it as she was still quietly staring at the table. As both our Scrolls went off I just sighed before walking over to my cart and calling over my shoulder,

“Come on Zatanna, we have work t-”

“I was homeless too you know…for awhile at least,” she all but whispered causing me to freeze and my tracks.

Holy mother load! The fandom was right, she was a street rat! I thought in glee before frowning at another realization. Wait a minute, why are you telling ME this? Aren’t you supposed to be undercover? It’s only been a month, why would you trust me this much?

My thoughts, as usual, went unheard as Emerald continued,

“I was like you, always trying to survive to fight another day. I would pickpocket just to make ends meet; it was the easiest way to earn some food. Then one day I got caught…and when I did, I gave up all hope of survival...” she admitted as she stared through the table and into the past in melancholy. I dared not say anything, but her mood changed as a small smile came to her lips.

“But then they showed up...”

I couldn’t stop my eyes narrowing in suspicion at that.

Ship-ruiner Fall no doubt. But she said them as in plural, did she get recruited with someone else too?

Thankfully she wasn’t looking at me to notice my look as she continued.

“If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here. I keep on living so that they will be proud of me, even though I know I can never repay that debt. Chris…” She then looked at me with a look that threatened to melt my heart. No tears fell from her eyes, but I could see them trying to escape.

“Sometimes all you need is a little help from a friend to find your hope again…”

“I…um…”My mouth tried and failed to function.

And yeah, that line may sound sappy, but it was also quite inspiring…

She looked at my sputtering and looked away for a second with a small smile.

“S-Sorry if I kind of sounded corny there,” she laughed softly.

“N-No, it was…nice,” I admitted.

“No need to lie man. And look, the point I’m trying to make is, I got by with the kindness of some friends. If there’s anything you need, I want you to know that all you have to do is ask me for help.”

“I…Thanks Zatanna. I appreciate it.”

And I did. In the months I’d been there, that was the nicest thing anyone had said to me.

“B-But I can’t really ask much of you. Like I said, I won’t be in my position for long.”

“Yeah I know, but still, I hate thinking of you leaving this place every day and living in a box…If you want, I could let you crash at my place,” she offered causing my eyes to widen.

Wait, What? Did she just…?

“I mean, it’s not a very big place, but I do have a couch, that’s gotta be comfier than the sidewalk right?”

I couldn’t believe it. Emerald, THE Emerald that would help ensure the death of some of my favorite characters was offering me a place to stay. The offer was genuine and sweet, but I couldn’t accept for two reasons. One, my usual paranoia, and two…well…I’d been in this world for many months, and the clothes in Remnant were ridiculously skimpy. Emerald is a very attractive woman, and I didn’t know if I could truly handle myself living with her. The last thing I wanted was to try and make a move on her and get my throat slit…

“I, uh…” I stammered before coughing into my hand. “I appreciate the offer Z, but I wouldn’t want to impose on you like that. I promise you, I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, Okay…” she said a bit dejectedly. “Well if you change your mind, the offer still stands. I’ll help you in a heartbeat man,” she said as she slugged my shoulder.

Laughing nervously I half heartedly punched her back.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Alright, let’s move on from this sappiness. The call of the dirt is beckoning,” she declared as she walked to her cart. I smiled and followed suit as we both got back to work.

With everything said and done I couldn’t help but feel like we were a little closer after the whole background drop and couch offer. But then I remembered who she was, and I couldn’t keep one thought from entering my head as we left.

God Damn It Emerald! Why are you confusing me like this?! Are you the same character from the show, or are you different? I want to believe you’re good…but I have no clue if you are or not! Who are you?!  

}Line Break{

Now I really wish emotionally confusing and morally questioning thoughts were the only things I had to deal with that day, but we all know the universe hates me to the point of making everything suck somehow don’t we?

Now what happened next is truly the definition of bad luck, and I fully believe that the only reason it happened was cause of the universe decided I’d had a long enough break from suffering.

You see me and Emerald were walking to storage in the East Wing. The Forever Fall field trip was coming up and Goodwitch had been working everybody overtime to make sure all preparations were set for the trip. So much so that she was short a few hands, so we janitorial staff got conscripted to take stock of the supplies for the trip.

Easier said than done since taking stock takes forever if you’re Semi-OCD like me and triple check everything. On the bright side, I finally had a good idea of where I was in the show’s timeline.

Anyway, as we walked there Emerald and I moved onto a more upbeat topic, my hair.

“I honestly don’t think you need to cut it. You pull off the shaggy style quiet well, and it compliments your beard” she chuckled.

“Yeah, because the Charles Manson look is sooo in right now,” I grumbled in response.

“Ah lighten up, it’s not the worst thing pulling it off.”

“You say that now, but when I get cornered by a bunch of cops and get arrested for looking like some escaped convict then we’ll see who’s laughing!”

“Honestly Chris? Knowing you, you would laugh while the cops dragged your sorry ass out to jail,” she said in a deadpanned tone.

I actually stopped the cart when she said causing her to look back at me with a raised eyebrow. After thinking it over, I nodded at her assessment.

“…Yeah you’re probably right. They don’t call me Joker for nothing you kno-”

And that’s when the universe reared its ugly head.

“Ah! Mr. Sullivan, Ms. Zatanna what a pleasant surprise.”

I all but froze like a statue when I heard that voice, but I rapidly got through my paralysis as I recited a little mantra I had created if I ever ran into her again.

No burning, there are witnesses. No burning, there are witnesses. No burning, there are witnesses.

Not a pleasant mantra but an effective one. Especially when Cinder Freaking Fall was right behind me!

Emerald, oblivious to my mental plight simply gave a wave as she said,

“Ah, Ms. Fall! Hello, nice to see you again.”

I just nodded as I turned around and avoided eye contact.

Cinder probably noticed since I saw her smirk from the corner of my eye, but she made no comment as she simply addressed Emerald.

“Actually, Ms. Zatanna I could use your help. Some of my students made a bit of a…mess in my last class and I need you to take care of it. If you can of course, I know Glynda has been running you all ragged lately.”

“Sure thing Ms. Fall,” Emerald said enthusiastically before looking to me. “Guess I’ll see you in storage later Joker, tell them I’m gonna be a little late.”

Before I could even say anything she was gone like a cartoon character, dust cloud and all.

Left alone with the bitch that would ruin everything I began to sweat nervously as my mind screamed and tried to stay rational at the same time.

Okay, so Cinder is on a first name basis with Goodwitch-THERE’S NOT WITNESSES I’M SCREWED!- and Emerald just acted like an obedient lapdog happy to serve its master-SHE’S GONNA ROAST MY ASS!!!- Talk about obvious signs of bad news- GET BACK HERE EMERALD, I’M GOING TO DIE!!!

There was one thing both my warring psyches could agree on though.

I should probably GET THE HELL OUT of here…

And so I tried to listen to the voices in my head and stealthily leave, but Cinder stopped me before I even took a single step.

“Ah, Mr. Sullivan, a moment please?”

Gulping I desperately put on a blank, casual look as I turned around and said,

“Uh, sure Ms. Fall. What can I do for you?” I asked, as I tried not to look at those eyes that held a glint in them. (No doubt an evil one)

“Well I just wanted to apologize for our initial meeting,” she said casually.

ArgleFlargleBlargle?! My mind crashed at that sentence.

“I was probably a little too…forward when I confronted you,” she continued as my mind rebooted. “I was only doing my job after all, so I hope you understand that it wasn’t personal.”

“Objection!” I cried out, pointing my finger at her like an idiot. Common Sense.exe was not found.

She raised an eyebrow at this and asked,

“What?”

Before I could even stop myself I stared her down and called her out on her little contradiction.

“If it wasn’t personal then why did you file a complaint against me to Ms. Goodwitch? Surely if it was just your job and if it wasn’t personal as you said, then you wouldn’t tattle on me right?!”

What are you doing!? Are you trying to get yourself killed!? Shut up shut up shut up!!! My brain finally came back online, and with it common sense.

Oh crap, what did I just do?

Cinder actually looked taken aback by my sudden claim, her eyes were widened and everything. Which I honestly wasn’t surprised by since this probably didn’t happen often to her. An idiot speaking out against her I mean.

Sadly for me she was only stunned for a second before she was back on the offensive. By that I mean she had gotten close enough to get her had on my shoulder. The same one she burned in our first meeting.

Needless to say all bravado left as she touched me again. She didn’t even heat it up this time. She didn’t have to. The sinister meaning still remained. My stoic face also started to crumble, but I struggled not to lose it.

“Mr. Sullivan, you’ll have to forgive my earlier…forcefulness” she looked at the effect my hand on her shoulder was giving me with a smirk, “You see, I lodged that complaint because I felt…insulted by you. Surely you of all people understand that if one is insulted they must do something in order to even things out. My complaint was merely me doing just that...So consider yourself lucky…”

I started to sweat slightly at that.

 “I…OK, but If I may ask, what did I do to insult you?”

Cinder simply gave a smirk that just oozed arrogance as she let go of my shoulder and started to walk away.

“You called me by a name I don’t take kindly too, and with too much familiarity,” she then turned back around with a hint of a glare in her eyes, “Now you know better than to do so...” And with that, she turned around and left me alone.

When I was sure she was out of range I grabbed my chest and began panting as if I’d run three miles.

“That crazy flaming nutcase! All of that because I called you Cindy? Really? Note to self, ask Emerald what’s up with that…”

I then wheeled my cart over to a nearby water fountain and drank like my life depended on it as I tried to catch my breath.

“Seriously, what’s wrong with Cindy? It’s a normal name compared to you who’s named after a Killer Instinct character,” I grumbled.

And then it happened.

You all know the saying ‘lightning never strikes twice?’

Well if you do, it’s bullshit. If you didn’t, now you know. It’s bullshit. Why is it bullshit you ask? Well because having one encounter with a person I didn’t want to see wasn’t good enough for my suffering, so the Universe delivered.

While I drank, I realized too late that an empty hallway shouldn’t have heavy footfalls heading towards me at a rapid rate.

Before I could do anything, I heard a certain voice say

“There you are!” and the next thing I knew I was stuffed into a laundry bag and carried away.

“Oh What The F-*BONK* Ooooohhhh…” I yelled and tried to struggle, but my head was suddenly struck by something hard.

I heard the person carrying me curse, but I was losing focus so I didn’t hear what they said.As my mind started to go black, there were only two things that flashed through my head. One was how I hoped no one touched my cart or stole anything from it. The other…

God Damn it Yang! What the hell are you doing?!

 I sure didn’t like the answer to that question upon waking up. NOT! ONE! BIT!

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

“Come on, do something interesting already!”

There were many ways to describe one Velvet Scarlatina. She was resourceful, respectful, kind, caring, and above all an upstanding student of Beacon Academy.

“Do something! Anything! I’ve been following you for weeks so just do something already!”

…And apparently a stalker. It is always the quiet types as they say.

We now find Ms. Scarlatina hiding behind a corner as she watches the newly hired janitor Chris Sullivan, who is currently walking with Ms. Zatanna. She has been following this man for quite some time now, her Scroll always at the ready.

Now most people would go with the cliché reasoning of her having a crush on Mr. Sullivan, but considering his style and… unique personality that is not the case.

No, to Ms. Scarlatina, he is a source of entertainment waiting to give her glorious views on her blog. Sure the blog was first started as a means for her to escape the jerks and racists, but now it was her means of being recognized with admiration and fame.

Truly the only thing a girl needs in life.

“Eating Trash, screaming at yourself, and helping Jaune beat that jerk, you’re a gold mine. So give me some gold already!”

However, lately her source of newly found internet fame has been inactive, not so much as a shouting match or an explosion. Truly this may just be the end of her blog.

“Oh he’s just talking to Professor Fall now, Ugh! As if that’s going to be good,” she groans as she lowers her scroll.

“What’cha looking at Hops?”

Ms. Scarlatina, more annoyed at the janitor than anything else, simply huffs in annoyance at the overly cheerful female voice as she tucks her Scroll away and walks off while saying,

“Nothing apparently. You’d think he’d do something crazy already, but no! Mr. Sullivan is just standing around doing his job and acting normally! Ms. Zatanna is ruining him. The nerve of some people…”

Even when annoyed the bunny girl kept her respect for officials, no matter how strange they were. Part of her charm of course.

“Oh…The Box man is over there is he? Well then…”

Ignoring the heavy footfalls, Ms. Scarlatina was almost completely out of the hall when she heard the janitor shout in alarm. Now while most people would rush to check on the situation and offer help, Ms. Scarlatina rushed to get her next scoop.

However, all she would find was the janitor’s cart, with no janitor in sight.

“OH COME ON!!!” she shouts over missing something juicy.

The bunny girl sighs in annoyance, before walking over to the strange, and in her opinion awesome, modified cart and pushing it away from the drinking fountain. The intent to return to the Maintenance Room so no one could steal anything from it.

“Geeze Mr. Sullivan, if you’re gonna have another freak out at least take your cart with you…and make sure I can get it on camera.”

Truly Ms. Scarlatina is beyond respectful to return another’s abandoned property, even if her priorities are a bit skewed.

}End Omake{

Chapter Text

So you ever wake up from being knocked unconscious before? Because the movies tend to over exaggerate the experience. I mean yeah your head hurts and you’re kinda dizzy, but it’s not so much agonizing pain as more of an annoying tic.

Of course I only found this out when I woke up, half lying on a table, with a mild headache.

I remember lifting my head from my arms, and opening my eyes only to shut them from the sudden brightness of the room I was in. I rubbed my head to try and ease the pain as I waited for my eyes to go back to normal.

Oh, where am I? And why does it smell like piss, vomit and shame? Ugh, I could use some Aspirin. Geeze, did she really have to hit me that hard? Then again this is the Blonde Brawler I’m talking about…

After that quick thought and once my headache subsided I eventually opened my eyes to get a look at where the hell I was.

I was in what could charitably be called a rundown bar. The place looked like it had more rats than customers the last few years, and the fact that the only other patron here was a passed out drunk snoring under my table didn’t help liven up the place’s rep.

There was rotten wood, blood and beer stains all over the place, and somehow the place smelled worse than me before my shower. Probably the only reason I didn’t pass out from the stench was because I was used to smelling terrible things. My tolerance for smelly things would actually help me in the future believe or not, but at the time, all it helped me to do was not throw up in that place.

As I lifted myself off the table, I accidentally stepped on the drunk’s stomach which caused him to grunt in his sleep.

“Sorry, Sorry!” I apologized before a thought came to me.

Wait a minute...Yang knocked me out, put me in a sack, and now I’m in a bar. Is that…?

I stuck my head down under the table to get a better look at the snoring drunkard.

Oh thank God, it’s not Qrow, I thought with a sigh of relief.

That guy’s always in a bar, so I wouldn’t have put it past the universe to make him wind up in the one I woke up in, especially after being knocked out by his niece. The niece who was nowhere in sight I might add.

Rubbing my head I looked down at the table more properly, in front of me was a glass of murky water, and across from me was an open bottle of soda.

I’m not touching that, I thought looking at the glass of “water” And wait, did she knock me out just so she could dine and dash and leave me with the bill? Why would she do that? And in a place like this?

Deciding I wasn’t going to get answers from the disgusting looking water, or the passed out drunk, I got up from the rickety table and made my way towards the empty bar. The bottles themselves looked grimy too. Heck, the ceiling had mold on it for crying out loud.

“How the hell does this place survive a health inspection?” I asked aloud in disgust.

 “Bribing the health inspector usually works, isn’t that obvious punk?” came a deep gruff voice out of nowhere.

Now I will admit to slightly jumping at the sudden voice, but I by no means screamed shrilly like a little girl.

“*whistle* Are you actually a guy? Cause what’chu just let out ain’t very…manly.”

I MADE NO SUCH SOUND DAMNIT!

Ahem. So when I turned to the source of the noise I found a gruff looking old man with a eye patch cleaning a beer mug like any typical bartender does. Now I should have been questioning why he had an eye patch, or why he had hair that looked longer than mine, or how I had completely overlooked a dude that looked like Hell’s Angel, but instead I chose to focus on him cleaning the beer mug with a rag.

Seriously? Literally every bartender ever is always doing that. Do they teach that at bartending school? There must be some sort of hidden skill to it or something. I’d probably just break the mug somehow. Maybe I should get a job as a bartender to learn how to-

“Oi princess, you still with us or are you off in la la land again?”

The bartenders interruption of my thoughts managed to snap me out of my internal questioning of the mighty beer mug cleaning technique that all bartenders hold. I quickly shook my head and coughed before answering with a steady tone.

“Yeah, I’m here, was just thinking about something. And wait, what did you call me?” I asked.

Raising an eyebrow he pointed at my chest. Looking down, I realized I was in my “civilian” clothes.

“What the hell? What happened to my jumpsuit?!” I yelled as I looked back at the table, seeing no sign of it.

The bartender just shrugged indifferently.

“You got me Pinky. And I don’t care how you make cash, but I’ll tell you this, there ain’t gonna be no funny business in my bathrooms. You take that shit outside, Got it?”

“What?!” I replied indignantly to his insinuations. “It’s just a shirt man! I’m not a...I don’t…EW!” I facepalmed and shook my head.

“I’m not one to judge,” he shrugged again, “Just don’t need the extra cleaning.”

“I’m NOT a male prostitute. And Cleaning? What cleaning?! Is that a joke or something?” I huffed before changing the topic. “Anyway, where even am I?”

The bartender gave me a deadpanned stare as he responded with a monotone voice,

“You’re in the Winking Skeever, home of decently cold beer and “anonymous meetings.”

I almost faced palmed at his answer, but the look on his face was completely serious..

“Great…now I’m in discount-Skyrim,” I mumbled.

I don’t know why this place was named after a place in a game that was used as a cash cow for too long, nor did I care to find out.

“No, I mean that’s nice and all, even if I wish that Bethesda would make the next installment already, but where the heck is this place at? What city am I even in?” I clarified

“You’re in the red-light district of Vale pal, pretty knee deep into it too,” he responded as his eye went back down to the mug he was cleaning.

“Well that explains the state of your bar…” I pondered. “Wait…is there a gas station a few blocks from here that has porn videos displayed out front?”

“Ayuh, that there is. Why, you a regular?” he asked.

“No no, just trying to get my bearings,” I explained. And thanks to that shameless gas station, I did have a pretty good idea.

I haven’t mentioned this yet, but during my first weeks in Remnant I spent a good amount of time exploring the red-light district. While a good amount of it was because I was mapping out escape routes and hideaways due to my paranoia and the eventual breach, I also still had a lot of excitement for being in Remnant in the first place and wanted to check it out. (That was back before reality kicked me in the balls)

So yeah, I had a decent understanding of where things were in the red-light thanks to those little trips.

And past that Gas Station full of porn, I did remember seeing a neon sign with a one eyed rat on it. I naturally never went inside since, you know, money and all that.

 So I’m in the north part of town huh? At least I can make it back to the Bullhead port from here pretty fast. Probably should leave now before Yang…wait a second where the hell is she?

With my location now known, I realized I still didn’t know where the pun-cracking blonde who brought me here was. Looking around, there was no hint of that golden hair.

 “Hey buddy,”

“Ayuh?” he asked as he was suddenly right next to me.

“EEEEEEEE!!!” I cried out in shock.

“You might want to get that checked out, can’t be healthy if you still claim to be a man of your age.”

“Oh shove off creepy Watson,” I grunted clutching my chest. “Now, let me ask you this. Did a girl bring me here? Blonde hair, has an ahoge, looks like she’ll kick ass first and ask questions later?”

The bartender immediately nodded, though he never looked back up at me.

“Ayuh,” he huffed grouchily. “She came in here, carrying your sorry ass, threw you on the table, ordered a soda and water and then headed to the can,” he listed off.

“Wait, she just threw me on that table?” I asked and he grunted in affirmation.

“Rude one she is, the minute I laid eyes on her as she’s walking by she threatens to punch my lights out.”

Probably cause you were most likely staring at her boobs…that or Yang just doesn’t like you at all…which makes sense since we are in the red-light district.

“Ya, sounds about right…Do you happen to know the time by chance? My Scroll was in my jumpsuit and…”

The barkeep grunted, looked at his wristwatch and declared,

“11:45. Lunch crowd should be coming soon.”

“What?!” I yelped. “Shit!, Goodwitch is gonna dock my pay for this and I’m gonna miss lunch with Z!”

I then stood up from the bar, after balancing myself since my legs were still a little wobbly from being K.O.’d, and told him.

“Okay, do me a favor and tell the crazy blonde girl that I went back to work. And to expect a nasty surprise the next time she does laundry. A very, very nasty surprise.”

With that said I began to make my way out, only to be cut off as a body went flying by me and through the wall leading to the street. Curious bystanders peered into the building via the hole, but soon lost interest, either cause of the bar’s condition or because it was normal for people to go flying out of buildings in this district. Or both.

Before I had time to process what just happened I heard everyone’s favorite brawler shout after the thrown man who was now limping away.

“NEXT TIME KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF BUDDY!”

I gulped in slight fear as I turned around to see Yang in her rage mode, but when she saw me she a flip got switched and she went back to normal.

“Oh hey Boxman, going somewhere?” she asked as she placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Um, actually-“

“Good, let’s sit back down. Now that you’re awake we can talk,” she ignored me and led me back toward the table.

I considered making a run for it, or just telling Yang to leave me alone or calling the cops on her for kidnapping since it’s illegal and all, but I didn’t. None of those options led to me living a healthy, not to mention, long life, so I decided to resign to my fate as I took a seat, making sure my feet didn’t hit the drunk man.

“Oh sweet, don’t you just love when your drinks come right after you get out of the bathroom?” Yang smiled as she picked up the soda bottle and downed it in three big gulps.

“Uhhh, sure…” I trailed off as I pushed the disgusting looking water away from me. “What’s going on Yang? What do you want?”

Yang just smiled conspiratorially at me before she called out,

“Barkeep!”

“Ayuh?” he answered from right next to me.

“EEEEEEEE!!!!” I screamed in a VERY reasonable and manly pitch! “Why do you keep sneaking up on me?”

He didn’t answer me, and while Yang smirked from my manly scream, she passed him a baggie full of lein. Judging from the bartender’s eye popping out of his skull I guess it was a lot.

“Why don’t you go clean out the back buddy? Me and my friend have some private matters to discuss.”

Before I could even object to Yang’s bribery or try and convince the bartender to stay in some vain attempt to avoid talking to Yang, the guy was gone in the blink of an eye.

“How does he do that?” I muttered as I just stared at where he was just standing. “And do I even want to know where you got enough money to bribe him?”

“Oh I have my sources Mr. Boxman. When I want privacy with someone, I have the means to get it,” she smirked causing me to sweat a little.

“Ummm…” I pointed down at the snoring man at our feet.

Smirking, she bent her head down and shouted right into his ear.

“Oh No! That girl’s top fell off! Don’t look!”

The man didn’t even flinch. He just kept snoring along, deep in slumber.

“See, totally alone. Now then how have you been? I haven’t seen you in weeks! How’s the family? Did you get that promotion you wanted? How’d that date go?”

I could already tell that this conversation wasn’t going anywhere pleasant. Her tone was strained and her face was eerily cheery and she was asking all the questions pissed off people ask sarcastically in movies.

So being the brave man that I am, I tried to avoid my most likely painful future.

I threw my arms up to protect myself as I shouted,

“Oh God, I don’t know what I did to piss you off but please don’t hurt me again! I’m very fragile!”

…

…

…

Okay, I was more cowardly accepting my death then bravely trying to avoid it, but cut me some slack. A girl who could probably bench press an entire building kidnaps you and brings you the most lawless side of town, who gets rid of all witnesses and is being eerily cheery after kidnapping you? That just screams pain and death!

Also did I mention the kidnapping part? Because that happened and I had every right to be scared as hell!

To my surprise however, Yang did not beat me to an inch of my life. Instead she started laughing like a hyena. This only led me to my utter confusion.

Uhhhh... Should I be relieved or terrified that she’s laughing? For all I know she has a sadistic side or something and is laughing at the image of my broken body! Stop laughing and confirm or deny my fears already Chesty Larue!

As if reading my mind Yang finally stopped laughing as she grabbed my shoulder and said,

“Oh Boxman, the look on your face was priceless! I should have brought a camera! Seriously I didn’t even get to tell you my plan and you’re already breaking!”

My confusion only skyrocketed at that.

“Wait…so you’re not gonna beat me to a pulp?”

Yang wiped an imaginary tear from her eye and said,

“Well I hadn’t planned on it,” she chuckled. “I mean, I am a little pissed at how you’ve been acting for the last month, but that’s a separate issue.”

 “Oh…” I said looking away guiltily. “Is this about me avoiding you and your team for the past couple weeks?”

“Well it’s not why we’re here today, but that was a total dick move man. Dropping a bomb shell like that then running away from us? Ruby has been worried sick about you, and it’s kinda getting repetitive telling your sister her friend is gonna be fine over and over again.”

“Wait, hold up! Back it up a second there. Ruby thinks I’m her…friend?” I asked in confusion.

 “Well…yeah,” she answered with a confused look. “She’s always going on and on about how awesome you are, how you helped her get into Beacon, and all the cool stuff you know about dust. Also I gave her my sister approval of you when we first met remember? Plus, you get bonus points for annoying Weiss.”

With this new bit of information, I tried to keep a stoic look on my face as my mind split between glee and panic.

Oh my god Ruby considers me a friend…that is freaking awesome!

No dumbass it isn’t! Her first friend was supposed to be Jaune not some random hobo Dust tutor she had!

I’m not a hobo! And so what? She’s still friends with Jaune, and by extension Pyrrha. So the plot should still be good when the ‘End of the Beginning’ happens.

That’s not the point! Self help books state that your first friend is the one you always go to for advice and for a shoulder to lean on! That was supposed to be Jaune, not us!

Oh, and we’re the ones to take advice from those pieces of trash?

You’re the one that read the book idiot!

Ha! You just called yourself an idiot!

Doesn’t matter, what matters is that we managed to change the plot again! We’re setting this world up for disaster and you know it!

Look maybe we should all just calm down an-

“Hey Boxman! You still in there or do I need to crack your noggin again?” Yang asked, waving a hand in front of my face.

That managed to snap me out of my internal debate

“Uh sorry about that, I was… thinking,” I answered nervously. Raising an eyebrow she asked.

“Were you actually upset that my little sister thinks you’re her friend? Cause if Mr. Boxman thinks his little hoboness is too important for my little sister…”

As Yang cracked her hands angrily I quickly tried to patch up the situation before I turned into extra crispy bacon.

“No no no! I just think Ruby should have friends her own age, not some washed out homeless guy who just so happened to be her Dust Tutor for like a couple weeks.”

Yang pursed her lips and just rolled her eyes.

“Oh buck up man. You’ve clearly made an impression on her. My sister considers you her friend so you better act like it, or I will reenact our first meeting.”

 “Yes Ma’am,” I squeaked.

“Good, so stop spacing out, you and I have to talk business.”

Thankful for the change in topic I sighed and rubbed the sweat off my brow, and in the process brushed the bump that’d been forming.

“Oh yeah, about that, if you’re not going to beat me up then why did you stuff me in a sack and knock me out?!”

Now it was Yang’s turn to laugh nervously.

“Ehehehe…about that. You see the whole thing was kind of spur of the moment. See I needed to get alone with you, and I figured the school would be the worst place for that since you’re always around that lady janitor, and your Velvetty Press is always around. So I improvised when I saw that laundry bag on your cart, and here we are now.”

I simply raised my brow as I pointed to the noticeable bump on my head. Yang again chuckled nervously as she continued.

“Oh, that was an accident. I wasn’t looking where I was going while carrying you and I accidently slammed you into one of the fire extinguisher cases.”

“Oh Gee, thanks for that. I got work still you know?! You may have many sources of income, but I don’t! And thanks to you I’m going to be short on my check, AND I’m going to miss a lunch date!”

“Whoa whoa, Relax Boxman, I got you covered. I’m not heartless you know” she said as she brought out 60 lein and placed it in front of me. That sure shut me up.

“And sorry if I messed up your date, but hey, now you might be able to take them somewhere fancy,” she smirked.

“It’s not that kind of…uh…Thank you,” I sputtered as I took the money and placed it in my track pant’s deep pockets.

Money is money, and I desperately needed some!

“No worries pal. But yeah, it was spur of the moment. After I accidentally knocked you out I-“

“Let me guess, you stripped me out of my jumpsuit and propped me on your motorcycle right?”

She was taken aback at this statement.

“Yeah…How did you know that? How did you even know I had a motorcycle?” she asked suspiciously.

Oh Crap! I mentally screamed over letting a detail like that slip.

“Uhh…it’s, uh. It’s quite obvious really. Seeing as how I don’t have on my jumpsuit and you don’t have on your school uniform, you obviously didn’t want anyone to know we’re from Beacon while we’re out,” I theorized. “And as for the motorcycle, uh…Your hair!” I pointed.

“Huh?” she asked as she felt it. “What about it?”

“It’s showing obvious signs being flattened by a helmet, and I doubt you’re the kind of girl who still uses a pedal bike,” I bullshitted in what I hoped was a confident voice.

“Wow…” she said as she looked me over and I mentally panicked. “That’s some pretty good sleuthing there Boxman. That’s exactly what happened,” she said impressed and I sighed in relief.

“Well it’s just basic deductive reasoning that any idiot detective would use heh heh,” I chuckled, absolutely relieved I’d been able to pull that out of my ass.

“Whoa wait a minute, you were a detective? Well that just makes things easier!”

 “Say what now?”

“You just said you were using skills that any idiot detective would use, so that means you used to be a detective right?” she said enthusiastically.

“Umm, no, actually, but I have studied hundreds of hours worth of the information…”

And by that, I mean I watched a lot of detective shows, like Psyche and Sherlock.

You’d be surprised how many times a lesson in a TV Show or Movie has saved my life.

“Oh, well still, you obviously got the skills for one, and we can use that skill in my plan,” Yang exclaimed, not losing her confidence.

“I don’t think you really should. And what plan?! We still haven’t gotten around to explaining that!”

Yang stood up from her chair and gave me a smug look as she said with confidence,

“Look, Ruby considers you her friend and so do I because of our mutual love of the wonder that is puns. So when you told me the White Fang were after your ass I knew I had to help, but when you told us to butt out I was pissed.”

Why do I not like where this is going? I cringed as I felt the dread slowly climbing up my back.

Ignorant to my thoughts Yang continued her spiel.

“But then I figured you just didn’t want Ruby involved, which I can respect.”

How’d you figure that!? I clearly told all of you to not get involved!

“And since you didn’t want my little sister involved, and you so clearly need some muscle on your side, I decided to sneak you out to Vale during school hours. Me and you, Mr. Detective Boxman, are going to find the White Fang members hunting you, beat the crap out of them, and thus get you off their hit list!”

I just stared at Yang for a good couple of minutes trying to process the ridiculousness of what she just said.

When I finally did…

“ARE YOU CRAZY!?!? Where the hell is Yang?! You’re just Nora in a blonde wig aren’t you?! AREN’T YOU?!!!”

I took it pretty well, all things considered.

}Line Break{

So after my little…outburst Yang decided that I was right and that she was acting crazy. She apologized for kidnapping me, gave me even more lien for all the trouble, and we went back to the school.

When we got there Cinder was being carted off by the police for embezzlement, Goodwitch was demanding Ozpin to increase my pay, and I had a mountain of food waiting for me. Delicious, delicious food all payed for by the Schnee corporation which me and Emerald shared, and I even saw Pyrrha and Jaune kissing under a Sakura tree!

…

…

…

Okay yeah that didn’t happen. As much as I wished that that was what happened, It couldn’t be farther from the truth.

You see instead of that wonderful scenario occurring, Yang completely ignored me and dragged me out of the bar, chuckling the whole time. I figured that she was going for Bumblebee, but she just walked right past it.

A bike like that in this neighborhood? You’re just asking for it to get stolen. I thought as she led me by the arm. Then again, anyone stupid enough to steal her bike is just asking for an ass kicking. I didn’t voice these thoughts aloud due to, you know, being dragged and all.

She then proceeded to ignore my multiple shouts of ‘OW’ as she tugged me for about a mile down the road until eventually we stopped in front of a shady looking building with a café across the street.

Yang was smiling all smug like, while I on the other hand was gripping my forearm in pain and groaning.

You crazy blonde bimbo. I think my freaking bones have your finger indents in them! Yang simply rolled her eyes at my groans.

“Oh come on man, I didn’t pull that hard on you.”

I simply glared at her and didn’t bother giving her any response. Instead I gave the shady looking building, called Pawners, a confused look. The place looked abandoned, with crumbling walls and way too many spider webs for my liking, there were even parts of the wall missing from the place.

The only indication that it wasn’t an abandoned haunted house was the rare body coming in and out.

If this is Remnant’s version of what a typical pawnshop is, then I’d hate to see what a run downed one looks like.

Yang noticed my confused look and smiled smugly before saying,

“Now I was going to tell you why we’re here, but where’s the fun in that? Since you’re the big ol’ detective why don’t you tell me instead?”

Oh sure, totally fun! Drag me by the heels for a mile after saying we’re going to track down terrorists and make me rationalize it why don’tcha? Doesn’t that just scream fun?! I’m having the time of my friggen life!!! I grumbled angrily. I swear to God Yang, you’re gonna kill me one of these days.

And truth be told, she got close to fulfilling just that. Multiple times in fact. But that comes later.

Now I will admit, it took me longer than it should have to figure out just why she brought me there. It was pretty obvious looking back on it, but in my defense I was annoyed and hungry, never a good combination if you’re trying to figure something out.

Anyway, I started looking around the café for any reason as to why Yang brought me here. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, besides a sign out front saying ‘No Faunus Allowed’ that had a crude picture of a bunny Faunus with an X through it. In response, I gave the most justifiable response.

“Really? What is this 1950’s Georgia Bullshit?! Who the hell wouldn’t want adorable animal eared girls in their esta-*Muff*”

Like I said, a very justifiable response. In all honestly I would have said a lot more and given those bastards a lot more of my mind if Yang didn’t stop me by covering my mouth with her hand.

And yes you read that sentence right. Yang, of all people, was stopping me from doing something hotheaded. If I wasn’t so pissed at the time I would have questioned reality and if it was breaking…again.

Yang gave me one of those ‘Are you serious’ looks, to which I only shrugged and tried to say something. But considering Yang was still covering my mouth all that came out was muffles. After that Yang sighed and simply shook her head before removing her hand form my mouth.

“Look man, I know it’s disgusting and all, but don’t fly off the wagon. You wanna blow our cover?”

“What cover? You’re a blonde amazon jailbait with your tits hanging out, and I’m an ax murderer looking nutjob in bright green and pink! Inconspicuous we are not!” I huffed, which caused her to scowl. Not a safe move getting snippy with her, but damn it, I was annoyed.

“Look just tell me why we’re here!” I slumped, giving her and the racist café a glare. “I didn’t even want to follow your insane plan in the first place, but if you’re gonna drag me into this at least make sense woman! Why would we look for the Fang at a place that doesn’t serve…Faunus…wait a minute.” My eyes widened in realization, too which Yang’s smug smile only grew.

“Oh what’s this? Does Mr. Detective Boxman have an idea? Well come on man, share it with the class already!”

 “You don’t think…the Fang are going to attack this place do you?” I asked giving the café an uneasy look. If Yang’s smirk could have gotten even bigger, it would have.

“Oh Mr. Boxman I don’t think so. I know so.” My eyes widened in fear at her confirmation as I started to look around in panic.

OH WHAT THE HELL BARB!?! You really must be crazy if you think waiting for a terrorist attack counts as investigating! Even crazier if you think I’m going to stick around!

With that thought I began to bravely flee the soon to be war zone…only to be stopped by Yang grabbing the collar of my pink shirt and pulling me back. This in turn led to me struggling uselessly.

You know if it weren’t for the fact that I know she’s got super strength and that I weigh almost nothing from lack of food, I would feel really unmanly for her being able to restrain me with only one arm.

After a while I tired myself out trying to break free from Yang’s ironclad grip and slumped to the ground gasping for air (yes I was that out of shape).

“Relax Mr. Boxman,” she chuckled. “My source told me that they wouldn’t hit this joint till they closed. Which should be in about 20 minutes or so.”

“What kind of *gasp* café closes *wheeze* in the middle of the lunch rush?” I panted in confusion.

“The kind of café that only serves breakfast obviously. Geeze Mr. Boxman, I know you live on the streets, but to not even know what a breakfast café must suck,” she teased causing my eye to twitch.

“Ha ha, very funny. Do you know how dangerous your little plan is Yang?! These guys blow trains and shit up on a daily basis. Plus they want to kill me because they think I’m a pedophile! If we wait for them here, they’ll kill us both before we can even blink!”

“Really? Before I can blink? Give me some credit man, I’m a Huntress in training after all,” she crossed her arms in disbelief. And with that gesture, I knew I’d lost.

“Okay, look,” I sighed in dejection. “As much as I don’t want to end up dead in a gutter thanks to some extremists, I know nothing I say will convince you to leave it alone short of a lifetime supply of shampoo.”

“Awww…” she smiled smugly. “We’ve only known each other for a few weeks and you already know me so well! If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were stalking me, but we both know how’ll that’ll end.”

Rolling my eyes I chose to ignore Yang and her teasing ways yet again.

“So how about instead of doing your insanely dumb plan, we do something a little bit more…strategic instead?” To this Yang just gave me a challenging grin as she said,

“And what does the all mighty Mr. Boxman have in mind? We gonna hide in some garbage cans and blend into your natural environment?”

I stole a glance towards the run-down pawnshop before saying with a smug smile,

“Well, they do say one man’s trash is another’s treasure.”

}Line Break{

And that is how I found myself and Yang hanging out in a run-down Pawnshop across the street from the café. Luckily the owner of the place was an elderly lady whose sight was going, so we didn’t have to deal with being kicked out for loitering. Besides, we were paying costumers after all.

“Remind me again why you made me buy this junk?” Yang groaned in annoyance now sporting a trench coat and shades.

“Again, the busty blonde schoolgirl look sticks out too much. And why aren’t you wearing your hat?”

“I’m not wearing the damn hat! If you ask again, I’ll make you eat yours!” she growled.

“Okay, okay. Geeze,” I backed off. I too wore a trench coat and shades. But at least I had the decent God Damned courtesy to wear my fedora. It completed the undercover look.

And yes, I know it sounds cliché, but come on, the outfit is just designed for stalking or gathering information. Plus fedoras are awesome head wear, especially if you want to remain hidden in a crowd. Not to mention I was just kind of desperate for more clothes, even if the faded brown clashed with my pink and green get up.

Although I’m pretty sure the previous owner of my trench coat died in it. The stink on it reminded me of my poor hygiene from a month ago, but it wasn’t quite as rank as I’d once been so I was able to stomach it. Yang on the other hand.

“Ugh, this crap smells like Sour Milk. I was joking earlier about hiding in garbage,” she gagged.

“This is your karmic punishment for kidnapping me earlier so just get over it. They’ll be showing up any minute now,” I said looking out the window at the café.”

“Okay, I get the part about hiding out before jumping them, but in the end they’re gonna see our faces right? Why do we need a smelly get up?”

“Because Blondie,” I groaned pinching my eyes shut. “This is a stake out. We’re not gonna jump them here, that’d be suicide. Especially for me. We’ll just wait for them to hit the place, then stalk them in the crowd back to their base, and once we know where that is, we can make a clean get away. No needless endangerment of our lives.”

If you couldn’t tell, this was me trying to keep some sense of canon going. I had all but given up on Yang not interacting with the White Fang till the end of Volume I, so I was hoping that by hiding her identity from them, they wouldn’t get interested in Team RWBY.

Of course knowing my luck that wouldn’t happen, but at the time I was high on living a childhood dream of going undercover so I wasn’t really thinking too much on it.

Anyway, Yang just gave me a blank look before saying,

“So what, you expect me to sit back while the Fang destroy some poor saps café?”

“It’s fine. It’s going to be closed in a few minutes, and to be honest, those racist douchebags have it coming. What’s wrong with animal people?”

“I’ve only ever heard you complaining about Faunus actually,” Yang pointed out.

“That’s different! Foxy is an evil little girl, and Velvet is essentially TMZ! I’m not racist! I’m an equal opportunist hater!” I defended, which only made her chuckle. “B-Besides, that’s not the only reason why we should sit back.”

 “Oh yeah, and what’s that?” she asked with a cocked eyebrow.

“Because I’m not a fighter. Sure I want these guys to stop hunting me, but seriously, if you wanted to take these guys on you should have brought at least Blake along. Me? What the hell am I going to do? Yell at them to death? The best thing we can do is find their HQ and then make an anonymous tip to the police.”

“Dude, seriously, I can handle a few thugs myself,” she boasted. “Besides, how else are we supposed to find the Knife throwing guy who started these rumors?”

“We don’t! We hope for the best that he gets taken in by the cops, and if not, then hopefully he’ll have other things on his mind besides hunting a suspected pedo!” I yelled in frustration.

“What was that?” the pawn store owner spoke up in alarm having overheard that last bit.

“Nothing! You heard nothing! It’s all nasty rumors anyway!” I defended.

The old woman squinted in our direction, clearly not assured.

“How old is that girl with you?” she asked in suspicion.

“17 Ma’am. Just having a nice day with this older gentleman while I should be at school.” Yang answered giving me a troll look.

“It's not how it sounds!" I shouted shooting her an angry look. "B-Besides, this has no bearing on my current situation! I’m not into young girls!”

“Oh really? Weren’t you just calling me Jailbait earlier?” Yang trolled.

“Shut the hell up blondie! You’re not helping!” I chided.

While Yang chuckled, I noticed that the old woman was picking up the phone.

“No wait no! Don’t call the cops! It’s all just a joke! Really Do-”

*BOOM*

I was cut off as the sound of a small explosion and screaming could be heard.

Whirling around I saw that while I’d been arguing, a small group of White Fang members had shown up and had begun their attack early. There were still people inside the café.

And with people in danger, Yang didn’t even hesitate to throw my plan out the window as she rushed right out the door.

“Wah-! Yang where are you go-”

“Hey Assholes!” Yang called out to the group. “Heard you were looking for a homeless guy that likes hanging with Fox kids?!”

The White Fang members whirled around at that declaration turning their backs to the Café.

“What do you know about The Creeper?” asked one of them with some sort of dog ears.

The Creeper? Really?

“Well why don’t you stop picking on the diners and face ME if you want to find out?!” she challenged and brought her fists up.

In response, every single one of them took up a fighting stance immediately.

Holy Shit. How many of these guys want me dead? I thought in terror.

The old woman behind me was completely frozen in shock, with her phone still in her hand.

“Um, why don’t you forget what I said earlier? Call the cops! Call them right freaking now!” I implored her.

And so, my first encounter with the White Fang began…and it went about as well you think.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Okay, so I know what you’re all probably thinking.

You all think that seeing Yang fight off a bunch of White Fang grunts in order to save some civilians (read: racist douchebags) from being turned into bullet hole displays gave me some sort of out of nowhere courage.

That I gained some sort of inner realization and decided to screw canon in order to help her. That I grabbed the nearest weapon like object and charged out of that pawnshop swinging like a madman while yelling at the top of my lungs.

I bet that's what you all are thinking, and I'm sorry to report but you're all thinking wrong.

No, instead I did the sane and logical thing of hiding behind the nearest large object and hoped to God I’d live. I was not getting killed by any stray bullet that day, thank you very much!

…

…

…

What's with the looks? It's not like I could have actually done anything useful to help her! If anything, I would’ve ended up just getting in her way, and with my luck it would literally be me getting in the way of one of her punches.

I know that it was cowardly to hide and let Yang risk her life to fight those Fang grunts, but what was I supposed to do?!

I'm just a normal everyday guy with no special powers or some secret over-the-top edgy backstory that can suddenly kick major ass when people are in trouble.

I had no Aura, no weapons training, and I wasn't exactly the picture of physical fitness after my months of homelessness. The best I could do was throw down some Steam pellets to make a quick getaway if things went south.

This isn’t some fanfic where the teleported hero gets amazing powers and is able to beat all the bad guys up after some training! This was (for me anyway) real life, and in real life a guy with little to no physical power going against a bunch of terrorist is gonna end up dead. No question.

I’m not the hero of this tale, those are all the high schoolers who can somehow defy physics and gravity. I’m the background character who speaks a few lines from time to time. It wasn’t my fault I kept getting thrown into the lime light.

So with all that in mind it makes sense that I would hide rather than fight don’t ya think? And if you think you could have done better, then by all means, try it yourself if you can figure out how to world hop. I’ll get front row seats to your funeral.

Now, back to me hiding for my life and having a mental breakdown over canon being completely obliterated so quickly.

You had one job Chris! One job! Keep canon on track and avoid the horrors of the Butterfly Effect, but nooooo you just had to piss of the only terrorist cell in the ENTIRE CITY and get one of the main characters involved before they’re supposed to!

My thoughts would continue to go further and further down the pit that is my paranoia for a good while. In fact the only reason I managed to snap out of it was when the display window I was hiding behind shattered into a million pieces as a White Fang grunt flew through it.

I of course reacted to this in a perfectly logical way.

“GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!”

…

What? Not a Big Bopper fan?

Luckily none of the broken glass managed to cut me, the same can’t be said for the poor giant stuffed wolf that I was using as my hiding spot.

Thank you Mr. Fang, your sacrifice as my meat shield won’t be in vain, I thought mournfully to my taxidermied savior.

What can I say? Even in this kind of situation I had a flair for the dramatic…that or the situation finally hit me full on and I finally snapped…Nah, then the therapists would be right. So it was definitely the former, rather than the latter…Definitely.

Anyway, after my little eulogy to the stuffed wolf I looked back over to Yang to see her finishing up the White Fang grunts.

I wish there were words that could describe just how pulverized the downed grunts were, but I’m pretty sure I’d run out and have to start using ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs to explain just how beat up they were.

There was only one grunt let standing now, and he looked worse than the rest of the poor sods. From what I remember, his right arm was hanging limply besides him, there were burn spots all over his clothes, and I’m pretty sure he had two black eyes and a swollen lip.

Yet somehow the crazy grunt was still fighting on. Every time Yang knocked him down he would just get back up and keep on fighting. I honestly started to think the dude had a death wish at the time…Actually I’m still pretty sure he still has one now.

Still, I couldn’t help but give him some respect. Even though he was a crazy nutcase fanatic who was more than likely wanting to kill me, he still had a whole lot of determination to keep on fighting. Gotta respect a guy who never gives up even when he’s getting his ass kicked after all.

Still, whatever respect I held was secondary to my wincing every time the guy got knocked down by Yang. Seriously, some of those hits looked like they could've killed him if it wasn't for the miracle that is Aura shielding him...if only slightly.

I particularly remember wincing and covering my male pride when Yang did one devastating punch to the guy’s lower region.

Ohhhhh...I can feel that all the way from here. I groaned, the phantom pain returning from when I was on the receiving end from her. And despite even that, the dumbass slowly started to get up again!

Dear lord when will this guy dr-

*Flop*

Oh... I guess no matter how tough you are, a hit to the balls will be your downfall. I thought with a sigh of relief since all of the White Fang were finally down.

Yang apparently shared my relief as she sighed and swiped her brow before saying something I couldn't here. After that she started heading back my way, and as she did I thought,

Geeze...canon is screwed for sure now. Curse you Yang and your impulse to help everyone even if they are a racist dou-wait a second. I feel like I’ve forgotten something.

Of course the minute I thought that comedic timing took effect as I not only heard a groan from the White Fang grunt Yang punched through the window, but also the distant sound of sirens getting closer.

OH CRAP THE POLICE!!!

Now you’re all probably wondering why I was freaking out over the police showing, and not the immediate problem of the awakening Faunus, especially since I was the one who told the old shop lady to call them in the first place? Well you see it's like this, not only did Yang break a decent amount of property in her fight with the Fang, but she also did something far stupider.

She singlehandedly won.

Now my call to the cops wouldn’t be to help her out, but would lead to questions. Yang and I would be interviewed, I’d be in the police report, and that would lead to more questions on my involvement and why the Fang were after me, and I’d never escape being integrated into the plot. And knowing my luck I would somehow take the full blame. That was what went through my mind rather than the Faunus who might bite my face off when he awoke.

The minute I decided to focus on them as a threat, I was already in full blown panic mode and frantically looking all over the place trying to figure out how to salvage the situation.

Come on Chris, think! You've gotten out of worse situations before! Remember the IHOP incident? Just use what you have on you and get the hell out of dodge!

My frantic searching slowed down at that thought as I tried to calm down and take a better look of my surroundings for ideas.

Come on, this place is a pawnshop there has to be something I could us-

*Ding*

That would be my idea noise folks, for thankfully I had spotted a couple of items that I used to save myself. Both at that moment and in the future.

I quickly grabbed my salvation and got to work. Two of the gathered items were a rope and a blindfold, and I put them to good use. I may not have joined the fight, but there’s nothing particularly heroic or dangerous about tying up a semi-conscious enemy.

It was as I finished tying up the grunt that Yang walked back into the shop.

“See Boxman, told you I could beat those jer-the hell!? What are you doing?” she asked as she stared at the grunt who was trussed up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

I remember just giving Yang a blank stare before calming saying,

“I’M CLEANING UP YOUR MESS IDIOT!!”

…

…

…

Okay…so maybe I didn’t calmly say it, but to be fair I was struggling to keep calm on the outside. Anyway, Yang just gave me a stupefied look that to this day I wish I had had a camera to use it as my screen saver for my Scroll.

“Wha…?” I don’t know whether it was because she was still tired from the fight or if she was just that dumbfounded from my shout and the weird way in which I tied the guy up, but I continued.

“Look, as much as I would love to explain my last-minute plan to you, we don’t have the time. The police will be here any minute and I don’t want to have to explain to Ozpin or Goodwitch why we were arrested for vigilantism!”

Yang didn’t respond to my outburst, which was all fine with me since the following silence allowed me to add the finishing touches. A single ball gag.

…

…

…

There’s all kinds of weird things in pawn shops.

“Look just grab the grunt and head back to that bar you dragged me to. I'll catch up as soon as I grab a few things.”

“Wha-Why do you want me to take the grunt!?!” she snapped out of it and asked.

“So we can interrogate them obviously,” I sighed.

“Why? You wanted to just call the cops anyway, and I can hear them coming.”

“THAT WAS BEFORE YOU HAD TO GO AND PLAY SUPERHERO! SO NOW WE HAVE NO WAY OF FINDING OUT WHERE THEIR FREAKING BASE IS TO GET THEM CAUGHT! I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NOW...now…*sigh*”

I took a deep breath to try and calm down, while Yang just looked at me with a cocked eyebrow and a shocked face.

Another thing I should mention about myself is that I hate it when a plan goes wrong. I mean I do have dozens of backup plans because of my paranoia, but that doesn't mean I don't get annoyed when a plan goes south. Especially if it's because someone involved in my plan messed things up. So add in that, plus my already established annoyance from being kidnap and my empty stomach, and you have one pissed off Chris who has no problem yelling at a teenager who can punch a hole in his chest.

Speaking of her, she lowered her eyebrow and looked like she was going to say something, but I just held up my hand and said,

“Save it, we have to clean up your mess first before we can talk about my issues. So please Yang, just help me kidnap this terrorist already?”

Shaking her head and shrugging, she picked up the bound and gagged grunt, and booked it out of the store.

After staring at her fleeing form for a couple of seconds I collapsed to my knees as my panic started to take over.

“Ah hell! I mouthed off to Yang! Forget the White Fang, she’s gonna jam my teeth down my throat after all this is over!” Flashing lights and the increasingly louder sirens got my head back in the game.

Grab stuff and avoid cops now, question life standing later.

With that thought I stood up, grabbed the stuff I needed, and threw the Lien bag Yang gave me at the still stunned old lady with a shout of “Keep the change”, and I left the store. Just in time too as the cops showed up and started subduing the knocked-out terrorists.

Probably not the smartest idea throwing all that wonderful money I had just gotten, but I felt bad for her filthy disgusting shop. Needless to say, I would regret it later, and the school would get a nice new impression of my forehead on their wall.

If you watch the News Story from that day, you’ll find that they got so many facts completely wrong. Almost as if they did that on purpose…

}Line Break{

So after that little...incident I met back up with Yang at the Winking Skeever. After another bribe courtesy of Yang the sneaky bar tender let us use his back room for our interrogation.

No surprise that the back room was just as bad as the actual bar, if not worse. The bar at least had more than one dingy light hanging in the room that didn't buzz in and out, nor did it smell like piss. I mean it did, but the back room somehow had a stronger scent of it!

Ugh...just remembering that place makes me feel like bathing for five days and taking every shot know to man. I swear I saw something brown and mushy move in the corner while we were there!

Ahem, right getting off topic here. Basically, the back room looked and smelled disgusting and looked like a cliché interrogation room from the 80’s.

We tied the Faunus to an old wooden chair in the center of the room, and after that I awkwardly told Yang the plan on how we should interrogate the grunt. I say awkwardly since we hadn’t talked to each other the entire time we were at the bar.

I know, Yang being awkwardly quiet? I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't there to see if for myself. I guess being yelled at by a guy you sorta are friends with can even make Yang of all people silent. Whether in anger or shame, I didn’t know.

Of course, by then I had calmed down enough to realize that blowing up like I did wasn't necessary. I mean yeah, I was pissed off that my plan went down the drain and she now was in deeper trouble with the Fang way before she was supposed to, But I mean…

…

…

…

What was I trying to prove again?

Ah whatever, point is I realized I messed up so I had decided to make amends before the hostage could wake up.

So after I told her the plan, and she nodded her head in confirmation, I decided then to apologize. But of course the minute I opened my mouth to say something the grunt let out a groan and started to shift around in their chair.

“MMMM! HRMMM!!!” the grunt groaned around their ball gag in panic, whipping their head back and forth. Nervously I undid the buckle, and the red piece of rubber flopped out.

“Ugh…” they gasped, revealing themselves to be a woman. “What’s going on? What happened?! Last thing I remember wa-Oh God what’s that Smell?!”

She then started gagging and thrashing around.

“H-hey! What’s going on here!? Why am I tied up!?”

Being the gentlemen that I am I decided to hold off on apologizing to Yang for later and answered the Faunus’s question.

“Why my furry friend, you are in an interrogation room at the Vale Police Department.”

I made sure to deepen my voice to try and disguise it. Can never be too careful after all.

She stiffened at that and let out an almost silent,

“Oh Shit…”

“Oh shit is right you piece of furry trash,” I said toughly.

“Why am I tied up and blindfolded?!” she asked and struggled. “I have rights you know?!”

“The hell you do you damned dog eared bitch!” I growled causing her to flinch. She wasn’t the only one. Yang looked at me in surprise, but I waved her off. “You’re lucky you’re even breathing after that stunt you pulled today.”

“After what WE pulled?” she asked indignantly. “That café had it coming.”

“Why? Because we wouldn’t let filthy animals like YOU eat at the table?”

“You bastard!” she snarled and started wriggling. “Let me out of here right now!”

“Or what? You’ll struggle uselessly?” I said cruelly. “Well it ain’t happening sweetheart. You and your kind won’t be hurting anymore innocent humans again.”

“Innocent?!” she shouted. “You wanna talk innocent? How about the fact that-“ I slapped her across the face shutting her up.

The Faunus clenched her teeth and growled at that, but before she could even say anything, I grabbed her by the cheeks.

“I’d put the canines away if you don’t want your brains to mix with all your friends, or haven’t you figured out what that smell was?”

She hesitated and the snarl left her mouth, replaced with one of panic.

“Y-You’re bluffing…” she said uncertainly.

“Are you willing to take that bet bitch? Your friends screamed real good when we spayed and neutered them like the wild animals they were.”

It was then that I was yanked backward by my partner in crime.

“Dude, what the hell are you doing?” she spit out while looking at me as if I’d kicked a puppy in front of her, and then proceeded to eat it alive.

I’m sure you all are wondering the exact same thing. What the hell was I doing? Well the answer’s fairly simple.

I grunted and leaned in close to her and whispered,

“I’m playing the Bad Cop dummy. She’s got to think I’m a corrupt murderous cop.”

Yang raised an eyebrow in doubt, “Okay, but what’s with the hitting and casual racism?”

“I’m the bad cop! That’s how bad cops act! Have you never seen a cop show in your life?” I huffed.

“Yeah I have, but seriously, you’re playing the part a little too well.”

“It’s just an act you bimbo! Now quit breaking character.” Yang scowled deeply at me for that, and I backed off a bit, but my own eyes went nearly as scarlet from what I heard next.

“Umm, you guys know I could hear that right?” I looked back to the faunus in shock, noticing her wriggling ears.

“DAMN IT!” I shouted and kicked at a table, stubbing my toe in the process.

“Ow Ow Ow!” I hopped up and down while Yang snickered and the grunt looked around in confusion.

“Alright, enough of this! Who are you really?” she demanded. Knowing the gig was up, I gave Yang a reproachful look as I decided to switch gears.

“Alright fine, you got us. We’re not cops, but we’re still dangerous, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll tell us where your hideout is.”

“Ha! As if I’d betray them you stage actor. Why should I fear you when you and your partner there can’t even stay in character?”

“Because…” I paused and let out a sigh, “Because I’m The Creeper.”

“WHAT?!” she shouted.

“That’s right. I’m the homeless guy that…” I cringed, “That likes stalking Faunus girls…”

“YOU FREAKING PERVERT! You’re high on our list! Let me out right now so I can rip your throat out, and then find that blonde bitch that you sent after us!”

She continued to shout and threaten me and all that I held dear for a good long while, and in that time Yang asked.

“Okay, now I’m confused. What’s the benefit in admitting that?”

“Because someone ruined our last plan, so now I’m no longer the bad cop. I’m gonna have to be the creepy cop…”

“Huh?”

I didn’t answer her, because what I was about to do next, I knew she wasn’t going to like. I clapped my hands to get the hostage’s attention and asked.

“Are you done?”

“No I’m not done! Just let me out of here, and I’ll ensure you die quickly and-“

“Yeah, look that’s not going to happen. You see, I’m tired of you White Fang jerks hunting me. Now give me what I want, or what happens next will scar you for life.”

“As if you could do anything you pedo. You have no power over-“

“I am The Creeper right? Well who said Faunus girls needed to be little?” I asked coyly and she stopped dead in her speech.

“Wh-What?” she asked fearfully.

“I mean, you’re a Faunus girl, and you’re helpless and tied up at my mercy…” I said in as creepy a voice as I could muster.

“Where are you going with this?” asked Yang, she herself creeped out. I again ignored her and started loudly walking towards the hostage.

“Now tell me where your base is, or I can’t be held responsible for where my hands wander…”

“St-Stay back! Stay away from me! NOOOOOO!!!” she screamed to the heavens.

…

…

…

Alright, before anyone gets the wrong idea, NO! I didn’t do anything unsightly. I barely caressed her cheek before she was shouting any and all information that she had. I was just playing a part people! They all called me The Creeper, so I used that to my advantage! Even I was disgusted by the things I said and threatened to do, but it was necessary.

If that’s still not good enough for you, then just know that Yang certainly got pissed at my actions. It doesn’t matter what world you’re in, there are just some things you don’t say and do in front of a woman…Alright fine, I apologize. Are you happy now?

Anyway, after traumatizing our hostage, Yang knocked her out, and we threw her in the nearest dumpster to where the ratted out HQ was. A old, run down warehouse near the docks.

…

…

…

What? We weren’t gonna just keep carrying her!

“Well I guess that was a bit of…dirty business eh Yang?” I joked as I covered the bound woman in more trash. The blonde reacted in typical cold shoulder fashion with a glare and a huff. I couldn’t help but slump my shoulders at that.

Ah man. Looks like not even puns can solve this. Guess I’ll just work it out later or something. For now I gotta get that evidence so the police can save my hide without knowing it.

With that thought I looked up to a rusty looking window. Aside from going through the front door, it was the best chance for snooping.

“Okay Yang, I know you’re still a little peeved at me for my fake racism and slight molestation but I need you to help me out here, Here’s what you need to do…”

}Line Break{

*Snap snap snap*

“That should do it, enough photographic evidence to prove this run-down place is a Fang HQ.”

“Great, now can you get off my shoulders? You may be pretty light, but your shoes are going to leave stains.”

Rolling my eyes at Yang’s comment, I couldn’t help but sigh in relief now that we had the pictures. That and the fact that she actually said something to me without glaring afterwards, for a short while at least. But still, by some random stroke of luck no one ever looked at the window when in all probability we should have been caught.

Honestly if it weren’t for the fact that they didn’t have any guards on the outside we’d never have gotten this far in the first place. For a group of terrorists, they sure did have lousy security.

Anyway, after those final shots I got off of Yang’s shoulders and stuffed the disposable camera I got from the pawn shop into my trench coat pocket.

Yang rolled her shoulders a bit before saying,

“I still don’t get why we couldn’t just charge in a capture these guys. I could still take ‘em you know.”

I simply choose to ignore Yang’s comment in favor of making my way out of the side lot of the rundown warehouse. Not the brightest idea, but I wanted out of there before the White Fang decided to go on a smoke break or something.

Thankfully Yang seemed to accept my silence as an answer and sighed before following me out. As we walked out she nudged me with her elbow and asked

“So now all we have to do is get the film developed and off to the police station right?”

“Yep,” I nodded. “Along with the warehouse’s address too. Then we can finally call it qui-”

“RAGAMUFFIN!”

We had just left the side lot when I was interrupted with a nickname that I hate with a passion. One that I wished was physical so I can beat it, drown it, then bring it back to life and drown it again!

…

…

…

Look I know it sounds cute and that I’m just over exaggerating, but trust me I’m not. You know why? Well simply put the person who gave it to me was pure annoyance incarnate, and the nickname was just a tool in her quest to drive me nuts, and make me nearly piss myself in fear. Case in point, as soon as that nickname was said, I stiffened up and my teeth audibly clenched as I began to shake.

To add insult to injury, Yang bumped into me after I froze and knocked me to my knees.

“Oof!” she groaned as she tried not to fall herself. “What are you doing?”

“It’s her…” I wheezed as my face went pale. Yang immediately brought her fists up and looked to the quickly approaching figure, before she paused in confusion.

“Where? Behind the kid?” she asked as the little girl with the scowl on her face got even closer.

“It is the kid,” I whimpered as my worst nightmare approached. Yang did nothing at all to protect me.

“But she’s just a kid Bo-“

“OOF!” she was interrupted by my grunting as the evil little girl kicked me in the stomach and put a gun to my head.

“Where the hell have you been Ragamuffin?!” she shouted, her red canine ears twitching on her head while Yang looked on in complete shock.

At this point, do I even have to be coy about who this was? It was the little brat who started it all. My former “employer”/hostage taker. I of course only had the most reasonable reaction to her presence.

“Oh God, Please don’t kill me Foxy! It wasn’t my fault I swear!”

And before anyone gives me any crap, remember this little brat used me as her lackey for a whole damn month while I was starving on the streets. I’d like to see you not freak out when reencountering your tormentor.

She of course just bared her little fangs and growled.

“The hell it wasn’t your fault! Do you know how many M Rated Games and risky anime figurines I’ve missed out on because of your disappearing act!? I have half the mind to shoot you now for that injustice!”

…

…

…

What? You all thought I was buying her alcohol or drugs or something? Well screw you for thinking just like the White Fang did! The kid was just using me as a middle man to get trivial stuff. Evil though she was, she still was a kid. Even at gun point I probably would have felt scummy if I’d had to buy her that stuff. True I did get her some Dust that I didn’t know what she used it for, but everyone in the world and their dog had Dust. Don’t jump to conclusions is all I’m saying!

Anyway, before Foxy could make due on her promise to blow my brains out she was suddenly lifted off me by her pistol courtesy of Yang.

The little brat struggled to get out of her hold, but Yang just held a smug smirk as she held her up to her face.

“Okay cool it tyke. The Boxman needs a good thrashing for some messed up stuff he said and did earlier, and he kind of needs his head for that.”

“Oh come on!” I groaned.

“However, I’m surprised you’re the one he’s so scared of. You look pretty cu-OW!“

Yang was interrupted as the young Faunus bit her hand, causing her to open it and drop her. Foxy gracefully landed on her feet and pointed the gun at Yang.

“Shut up you cow! This is between me and the Ragamuffin here for ditching out of our agreement! So why don’t you just butt out before I blast you too?!”

Of course, Yang being Yang didn’t take her threat seriously. Instead she only laughed at Foxy’s name for me.

“Oh I just can’t get over that nickname you have for him. It’s just so adorable!” the fox girl growled at Yang’s aloofness and cocked her gun.

“It-it’s not adorable! It’s supposed to be demeaning! In my family that’s the worst insult you can give someone!” While this served to only make Yang chuckle harder, all I could think was,

Since when did you have a family you evil street urchin?! Spared from my thoughts Yang’s laughter came to an end and she gave me an aside glance.

“Ya hear that Ragamuffin? That’s a big insult appar-*THWACK*”

Yang’s sentence was interrupted as the little girl pistol whipped her across the cheek. More surprised than anything, Yang took a few steps back.

“That’s my insult you cow, get your own!”

Yang stared dumbfoundedly at the kid who had the gall to strike her in the face for a few seconds before her own temper flared and her eyes went red.

“Call me a cow one more time you little brat, and I’ll break that toy and make you eat it!” she growled.

“I’d like to see you try Dairy Queen. That was just a love tap, the next attack is blasting off one of your udders!” Foxy spit back causing Yang to clench her fists.

“Someone needs their mouth washed out with soap. That mouth might be missing a few teeth though. I don’t take kindly to being hit, and even more so to anyone who threatens and forces one of my friends to do something.”

As if you’re one to judge! I thought at the hypocrisy.

“Oh shove off! This is MY Hobo. I fed him like the good dog he is, and he gives me what I need. Some mooing prostitute isn’t taking that from me!”

“PROSTITUTE?!!!” Yang shouted in outrage.

Now, as amusing as this shouting match was, or how Bipolar it made Yang seem towards me, or how funny it was to see Yang and a small child about to throw down, they were loud. Really, REALLY Loud! And we were still right next to the Hideout full of terrorists who wanted to turn me into a bullet hole art piece.

“Girls! Calm down! We can yell and threaten each other all we want as soon as we-“

“I have no qualms hitting a small child in public!”

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is then?!”

As their voices echoed, I panicked and grabbed both of them by the shoulders.

“For the love of God! The White Fang will hear you if you don’t-

“STAY OUT OF THIS!!!” they both yelled as both of them roughly punched me off of them.

And when I say roughly, I mean it. I was thrown backwards with such force that I went THROUGH one of the boarded-up windows of the warehouse. Termite ridden it may have been, but it still hurt.

“Son of a Bitch!!!” I yelled as the wood splintered around me and cut at my coat. I landed roughly and loudly before I came to a halt.

“Ooooohhhh,” I groaned as I held my side.

What the hell? Why am I getting hurt for trying to calm things down? Why are their two immature girls yelling about me and causing me so much pain? When did my life turn into a fricken Anime?

Yeah…My head was kind of loopy after that crash. Though it did clear up fast when I noticed about two dozen masked people surrounding me.

“Ooooooohhhhhh Crap…” I drawled as I raised my hands up slowly. “Would you all believe this was just an accidental chance encounter?”

They would not believe that. Not one bit.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Weiss Schnee has had to put up with a lot thing these past few weeks.

She’s had her dust blown up in her face by an inexperienced girl two years her junior

She’s had that same little girl not only become her partner, but also her team leader.

She’s had to reject the constantly annoying advances of a blonde doofus who can’t take a hint.

And she’s had to deal with one of the most annoying, rude, disgusting, and downright confusing janitor hobo with questionable sanity she has ever had the displeasure of meeting in her entire life! And all because her younger team leader is ‘best friends’ with him!!

The mere thought that she had to think that description alone was enough to drive her crazy!

But she has managed to deal with it all. For she is a Schnee, and Schnees are able to deal with the most stressful and annoying situations in a calm, cool manner.

She can deal with it all...but this! This is just so…so-

“Frustrating! Why are you making us ditch class to find your brute of a sister!?”

Indeed, her young team leader has dragged her and their fellow teammate Blake in search of her missing sister.

Currently the team of RWBY minus Y were looking through the (conveniently) unlocked Maintenance Room. Why they were here looking for Yang of all people was beyond Weiss.

“Because Weiss, my ‘Yang did something illegal’ sense is going off, so we need to find her before she goes too far.”

…

That didn’t explain anything you little dunce!

Keeping her anger bottled Weiss sighs before saying,

“As much as I would love to know how that even works, I know it’ll just give me a migraine so I won’t ask. What I will ask is why we’re looking in here for her?”

This time it’s Blake that answers from her side of the room,

“Because of what that janitor said, Ruby thinks Yang did something to ‘help’ him. So we’re searching for clues here.”

Weiss can’t keep from face palming before muttering,

“Of course it’s that ruffian’s fault. Why couldn’t we just-”

“Ahem”

Weiss’s, as well as her teammates, backs all stiffen from the small cough coming from behind them. Turning around slowly they all see the other janitor that ruffian is always hanging out with, or at least the one that has to watch over him due to his countless mess-ups.

Her arms folded over her ample chest, she stares down the girls with a bored look as she says,

“You know I could tell Goodwitch that you’re all here, or I could pretend I didn’t see anything if you all get out with a little fee for the kind janitor who didn’t see you.”

There is a moment of silence before both Blake and Ruby look over at Weiss expectedly, and once again the fair lady has to control herself before she loses her cool as she slowly takes out her purse.

I swear when I get my hands on that janitor I’ll-

For the lady’s reputation, I shall reframe from repeating the rest of her thought. Instead I shall end this little insight into the young Schnee’s life for now.

}End Omake{

Chapter Text

So, after I got slapped through a God Damn Window by two arguing anime-esque girls, I was surrounded by a bunch of pissed off animal people.

…

…

…

Where did I go wrong in life where that sentence doesn’t sound weird to me anymore?

Needless to say after this little fiasco Yang owed me a lot of favors, and I would make sure to remind her every chance I got. Not to mention the adorably cute lecture from Ruby she received. I swear that little munchkin can make anything sound adorable. I mean seriou-

Ahem, sorry getting off track there.

Anyway, I kinda just stood there, still as a statue, surrounded by terrorists as my body screamed in agony. I mean while I didn’t break anything, that didn’t mean I didn’t feel anything. Getting punched through a window hurts a lot, and my body was responding in kind to all the pain.

Of course this is usually the point where I’d be cursing up a storm in pain, but for once I managed to keep my cool in front of the unamused terrorists, not due to toughness, but because of practicality.

I swear those guys in anime and cartoons must have damaged nerve cells or something. Moving around after a beating is a pain, literally!

…

…

…

I said my body was in pain, never said anything about my never ending random thoughts stopping. They exist even when I’m in pain and surrounded by certain doom. They are my ultimate weapon!

Let all those near tremble in fear at my mighty random tho-

Ahem, geeze I just can’t stay on track today. Maybe I did hit my head too many times like those doctors said, or maybe remembering all this is causing some sort of phantom pain and it’s making it hard to focus.

Whatever, anyway after that thought I began to think through the pain of a way out of the situation without becoming terrorist chow. After a minute or two my brilliant mind came up with such an ingenious plan that I knew it had to work. The plan had been simple, all I had to do was open my mouth and say,

“Uh...Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition?”

…

…

…

Yeah…that was the dumbest thing I could have said. Contrary to popular belief, references can’t help you out of every jam. Especially since the minute I said this all the Fang pulled out swords, guns, sword-guns, etc and aimed them at me. Since I had my hands up from before, I was already in the correct position, but now that the weapons were out, the situation truly dawned on me and the pain fled in favor of terror. I even started to hold my breath I was so scared.

Eventually one of the grunts remembered that he could talk as he demanded,

“Alright human, just what the hell are you doing here? This some sort of sneak attack you’re trying to pull? Because if so you failed tremendously at the sneak part.”

Shit shit shit SHIT!!!! I mentally panicked. Come on brain think of something quick before I turn into human shaped Swiss cheese! Should I just tell the truth and say I won’t tell anyone they were here?

No you idiot, that won’t work you know where their base is! Terrorist don’t let people who know where they are go!

But I haven’t seen their faces! Maybe I could convince them to take me as a hostage an-

My thoughts were interrupted by the cock of a gun as the leading Fang member spoke again,

“Well human? You going to answer me or am I going to have to shoot you? Either way I win really, but I’m really hoping you stay quiet so I can do the second option.” Needless to say, his threat ceased all action in my brain as I tried to stutter out a response,

“I-I…well you see...the thing is...it’s actually a pretty funny story...I uh...I…got nothing.”

I swear I could feel the grunt’s glare deepen behind his mask, but before he could do anything a voice called out,

“What’s with all the racket?! I leave for five minutes and…well what do we have here?” Turning towards the voice I saw another White Fang grunt walking towards me. Now this guy really stood out to me. Not because he had fox ears and a tail or the fact that he had on a black version of the Fang’s uniform. No, he stood out cause of all the goddamn knives he had!

I’m not kidding, the dude had two ammo slings on his chest full of knives, two pouches on both of his hips that look like they were about to burst, and he was even wearing a knife necklace too for God’s sake!

Dear lord man are you compensating for something!? No one needs that many stinking knives! Not even The Joker went this overboard!

As if sensing that thought, he started laughing evilly just like the crown prince of crime.

“Oh this is just too convenient,” he tapered off before turning to the Fang who had spoken before. “How’d he even get in?”

“Well he...uh he kind of burst through the walled-up window over there,” the terrorist explained, pointing the gun toward the hole I’d made.

The knife guy looked over to the newly made hole in the warehouse courtesy of my body before looking back at me and smiled cruelly.

“Now that’s just priceless. We’ve been looking for you for over a month, and now you come to us.” He chuckled again which set my hair up on end. “I guess that’s good in the long run though. You are pretty fast. The last time I saw you Creeper you dodged all of my blades even as you screamed like a baby…”

Yeah...you guys probably put two and two together from his description alone that he was the White Fang nut job who tried to use me as target practice. Of course He had to be the one in charge of the ONE warehouse I’d been snooping around.

Hell, the minute he called me Creeper, and I swear this really happened, there was somehow MORE weapons drawn by the others. It was like that cool as hell John Wick poster, only instead of grizzled badass Keanu Reeves, there was unshaven, unkempt me.

I, of course, reacted to this in a completely reasonable way.

“That was you? You douchebag! One of those knives nicked my ass! And why the hell do you have so many?! Even Rambo only needed one! AND I’M NOT A CREEPER DAMN IT!!!!”

Like I said, a very reasonable response. Of course, my outburst was met with silence as the Fang members continued to aim their weapons at me, although I suspect a bit confused by my words.

“Did you just say you’re not the Creeper?” Mr. Knifey asked incredulously. Gulping at his dead serious tone, I nodded my head.

“So you never bought any questionable items for a Faunus minor, or had a lecherous intent with said minor?” he asked again in deadpan.

If it weren’t for the fact that I was trying to move as little as possible to avoid countless bullet holes in my body I would have snapped my neck trying to nod my head at his question.

There was, once again, silence from the Fang grunts before the knife jerk sighed and slumped his shoulders.

“Well that’s just a shame. I could've sworn you were him.” He almost sounded disappointed. “All you hobos look alike after all.”

“I’M NOT A HOBO DAMMIT!! I just happen to be low on funds due to a series of unfortunate events is all!”

Stupid of me to say? No duh. But defending my societal status was becoming second nature at that point. I could feel the blank unbelieving looks the Fang we’re giving me through their masks.

“You’re not? So you’re just wearing a decaying trench coat for the heck of it then?” the knife nut drawled.

“Trench coats are awesome! This one just so happens to be an extremely old one is all!” I replied. Even with a mask, one of his eyebrows raised so high in disbelief it could have been visible from space.

“Oh it’s just old then? Why not get a new one with the ill gotten gains from the Faunus girl?”

And to this, my dumb ass mouth opened and words came out before I even realized what I was saying.

“What gains you knife throwing maniac! That little fox brat would only ever let me buy stuff she needed. If I even so much as thought of buying anything else she’d-*Thwack*" I crumpled to the floor holding my forehead in pain. The guy had expertly thrown one of his knifes, hitting me with the weighted grip, and it hurt like a bitch.

Oh God my everything hurts. What is with people always smacking me in the head!?

Before I even knew it, the fanatic was standing above me, with his fangs clearly visible in his snarl.

“So you admit you HAVE been in her company! What was that about NOT being The Creeper?” he growled as my eyes widened.

Ohhhhhhhhhh Shiiiiitttt… I mentally groaned as I realized I’d fallen into a classic word trap. That guy was clever. Being a fox Faunus probably had something to do with it, but damn did I fall for one of the oldest tricks in the book.

With grace and quickness, he grabbed the collar of my shirt and brought and yanked me into a sitting position. All I could d was gurgle in fear.

“You should have kept running you piece of shit. I won’t have you stalking little kids anymore. But I do have to thank you for hand delivering yourself to me.”

“Look man, I swear to you, I’m not a ped-GLK!!!”

That sound happens, ladies and gentlemen, when a knife is pressed up against your neck. Now I need to make this clear right now, I did not piss myself when this happened. No matter how much Yang claims I did I did not you got me?!

…

…

…

Okay maybe a little...shut up!

Ahem, anyway back to near death experience number whatever.

“I am going to enjoy ending your life human. But first…”

The Fang member took off his mask to reveal a fanged, red eyed guy in what I guessed was his mid-twenties. There were gasps all around me, causing me to tear my eyes off the knife on my neck to look around.

You know I almost forgot I was surrounded by crazy animal people. Wonder why they’re so shocked?

My question was answered when one of the grunts, a rabbit eared one, called out.

“Corporal *Koku you know the rules! No removing our masks in front of non-Fang members!”

Koku… I’d thought Foxy was going to be the most troublesome Faunus I’d ever had to deal with while I was struck in Remnant…until this guy showed up. Seriously this pain in the ass…ugh it annoys me just thinking about him. I mean sure I incited half of his attacks and sure I got back at him more often than not but still.

Now something that surprised me was how the grunt had addressed Koku with a rank. I had always thought that the White Fang was just a large group of grunts lead by that limb cutting jackass Adam.

These guys have a chain of command!? I mean I guess that makes sense since they’re a terrorist organization and all, but come on! How many psycho leaders are there? That’s the problem with RWBY, way too many villains!

“It’s not like that matters anyway, considering Creeper here isn’t going to leave here alive. Speaking of which…”

I was still lost in thought at this point, but I was soon snapped out of it when I felt the knife against press harder into my throat.

My eyes widened in fear as the sadistic smile on Koku’s face got bigger and bigger. I was paralyzed by fear, and I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes as I felt some blood start to drip down my neck.

This…this is it. I’m going to die at the hands of some psychotic knife lover for a false accusation. This…this sucks…

I had stopped struggling at this point and was accepting my fate. This only caused Koku to laugh sadistically again.

“This isn’t going to be quick predator. I hope you enjoy hell, because it starts now…You will never lay a finger on her again. In fact…”

Koku removed the knife from my neck, as he grabbed my hand and placed the knife against my thumb and pointer finger.

Oh God Please! Not Like This! Not Like Th-

“CHRIS!”

“RAGAMUFFIN!”

My eyes snapped open when I heard those two familiar, and let me say very welcomed, voices coming from behind me. The shouts managed to shock the Fang members who looked behind me, and it even managed to shock Koku enough that he stopped the knife right before it could maim me.

“What the-!?” Ignoring Koku’s muttering I yelled back at my two saviors who had just stopped my death with the greatest amount of gratitude I could muster at the time,

“WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU TWO?!”

“Ah well…we may have gotten a little too heated in our argument, so we didn’t notice you were gone,” Yang responded sounding nervous.

“You both slapped me through a window! HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE THAT!?!”

This time it was Foxy who responded with her usual bratty tone,

“Well it was more like Goldilocks punched you. I’m just a little girl after all so I don’t have the monstrous strength Shameless here has.”

“WHAT’D YOU CALL ME YOU LITTLE BRAT!?!” Yang snarled.

And like a broken record the two of them went back and forth insulting each other again, completely forgetting the shocked and confused terrorists in front of them.

One of the future saviors of the world everybody, getting in an argument with a brat who hadn’t even hit puberty yet while I lay with my neck bleeding. With friends like these eh?

“What’s she doing here?” Koku muttered in surprise, seemingly forgetting about me.

“LADIES! YOU CAN KILL EACH OTHER LATER! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST SAVE ME ALREADY?!” I shouted. I did not want Koku to remember he was supposed to be cutting me. Thankfully, that snapped them out of it.

“Grr…this isn’t over lady. I’ll get back to you after I get my ragamuffin back.”

“Right, after we get my friend back you mean.”

After that declaration I heard the two start running towards me and the Fang, but to my surprise a good couple of Fang members had dropped their weapons before running TOWARDS the charging duo.

What the…Why’d they throw their weapons down? This makes no sense. I wasn’t the only one who was confused as Koku let out a growl before saying,

“What are you idiots doing!? Get back here and arm yourselves!”

Now the next thing that happened was really weird considering I couldn’t see what was going on. All I heard was Foxy letting out a startled yelp, Yang laughing, and Koku actually dropping his knife to facepalm as he muttered,

“Unbelievable…”

The next thing I heard was a bunch of people all talking at once followed by Foxy’s shout of annoyance

“Hey! Put me down! Let me go!”

This was followed by several grunts and few screams of pain. Yang’s laughter only got louder after this, and knowing what did happen now I probably would have joined in on the laughter too.

So apparently those White Fang members who had charged at the girls were a part of the White Fang that held a more intense interest in destroying The Creeper. So when they saw the minor who the Creeper was supposedly corrupting, their instincts switched from kill to protect and they dived bombed Foxy.

They then proceeded to, and I quote, ‘hugged and kissed the crap out of her and told her that everything would be fine in gushing baby talk like voices.’ They also started to ask her questions ranging from ‘Where did the evil human touch you’ to ‘Would you like to stay at my place for protection?’

Needless to say this pissed off the brat enough that she started squirming in their death hugs and proceeded to kick the crap out of the Fang via low blows and eye pokes.

“Listen up you weird smothering assholes!” she cried out as she got loose of their grip and stood atop a crate. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t care who you blow up or why, but you will release that Hobo!”

There were sounds of surprise coming from the still conscious grunts, which sadly was still a lot. Koku even let out a tick of annoyance at Foxy’s declaration. I, on the other hand, was holding back tears of joy at her defense of my character.

Foxy…maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you’re not such a brat after all, and maybe I jumped to conclusions too soon about you. I swear after this, if I’m still alive, I’m going to buy you the biggest gun or bloodiest video game I can afford for ya. Foxy you magnificent, wonderful, awesome...

“He is my Ragamuffin and he gives me what I want! He does whatever I say when I say it because I own him! He serves me obediently and without question like any good dog should!”

…dumbass, annoying, deranged, NO GOOD BRAT OF A FOX GIRL!!!!

Yeah, needless to say Foxy needed to work on her tact, as well as when to keep her mouth shut.

“PHRASING YOU DAMN BRAT! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY BEOFRE YOU SAY IT!!!”

Sadly my shout of anger was of no use as the murderous intent in the room somehow tripled after Foxy’s little speech. How can I tell you ask? Well when half the room starts growling in rage and the guy holding up your pained body starts to grip harder you tend to notice this kind of stuff. Hell, the only reason they all didn’t start dogpiling me was that Yang finally stopped giggling and attacked while all eyes were on me.

“Gives her what she wants huh?!” growled the ever lovely Koku bringing my attention away from the fight.

“It’s not like that I swear!” I defended for the fat lot of good it did for me. He raised his knife up in a shaking hand.

“Sh-She was always free spirit, but this…How could you?!”

“Look man, It’s not like that! I like Women! WOMEN! College aged or higher!”

“Nobody, Man or Faunus touches my….” He growled in near unhinged rage. It was then that I realized something. This was personal to him. Maybe I would have put two and two together earlier if I wasn’t so terrified, but he had the same shade of red hair, ears and tail as she did.

“You two are related, aren’t you?” I asked and his eyes widened a bit answering my question. “Look, I don’t know if she’s your daughter or little sister or whatever, but I swear to you that I didn’t-“

“Aaaahhh *WUMP*” I was interrupted as a Fang member flew over the both of us and hit a table full of playing cards.

“That the best you got?!” Yang boasted. Koku looked up and growled at her progress through his goons as he put his mask back on.

“Keep the blonde and…Foxy busy while I take care of this trash!” he ordered as he dragged me to my feet and hauled me further into the warehouse.

“Chris!” Yang called out in alarm as she ducked and uppercutted a terrorist.

He threw me against a stack of boxes and held the knife above my head, and I knew that Yang or even Foxy wouldn’t be able to help me before I was gutted.

“Unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of taking my time anymore you filth!”

“Please man. I’m the victim here!” I begged.

“The victim?!” he snarled through clenched teeth and raised the knife higher.

“You humans are all the same. Committing atrocities, and yet crying that it wasn’t your faults!”

This ass hat was beyond the point of reason, and if Yang hadn’t done a ground pound that shook the floor, I wouldn’t be alive. The shaking distracted him into looking back at the battle long enough for me to enact the one plan that had saved my life months ago.

They say people in intense situations have a large surge of adrenaline in their systems. It’s called the flight or fight response. Either you face down your opponent, or you run the hell away. In my predicament, I couldn’t exactly choose one. So I chose both.

“WHEYAH!!!” I cried out in my best Bruce Lee impersonation as I snap kicked as hard as I could. Since he was still holding me so close he didn’t have any time to dodge as my foot hit him right in the-

}Insert high-pitched scream of anguish here{

And that’s how I kicked a White Fang Corporal in the balls.

I know it was an underhanded tactic, but hey if it worked on Vale’s most wanted criminal then surely it would work on a White Fang member. And wouldn’t you know it, it did.

Koku dropped to the ground holding his balls in pain, and by doing so dropped his hold on me. I quickly put my hand around my neck to stop whatever little blood that was coming from it to stop as I made a mad dash for cover.

As soon as I did that…well let’s just say all hell broke loose.
Koku’s shriek had caught the attention of the other Fang. They turned their attention away from Yang and Foxy, and several of them picked back up their guns and started firing at me.

Oh what the hell?! REALLY?! I anguished as shots rang out all around me, and bullets whizzed by. Yeah, these guys hated me more than the high school girl who was kicking their asses.

Thankfully the grunts must have gone to the Stormtrooper school of shooting because I managed to take cover behind some storage crates relatively easy. Peeking up from one of the crates I saw Foxy hiding behind her own as Yang beat down many of the guys who had the gall to ignore her.

Though, as expected, she was having a blast charging into the thick of it and punching the daylights out of the Fang.

I can only hope none of them hit her hair. God save us all if they manage th-OH SHIT!

Before I could finish my thought I had to duck as a knife just barely missed my head and took off a chunk of the box behind me instead.

Oh God! If that had hit me… I gulped in fear.

Thankfully I managed to snap myself out of it before I could delve too deep into my almost death again. Good thing too since a very pissed off Koku was huddle walking towards me with knives drawn.

He looked like a feral beast honestly with how big his snarl was, and what he said next didn’t really help change that image either.

“I am going to gut you like the filth you are Creeper! I’ll chop you into pieces while you scream! Your arms first! Then your legs then your-”

*Pow*

Before Koku could finish his threat, a gauntlet covered fist met his face sending him back a good couple of feet. Koku growled in anger as he glared over at the smugly smiling Yang.

“Sorry buddy, but I can’t have you dismembering my pal here. So why don’t you CUT it out?!”

Even in a dangerous situation Yang still managed to make me laugh with her puns. Of course, she and I were the only ones to actually appreciate the joke as everybody else stopped fighting to groan at the pun…or maybe that was because she’d beat them. Either or really.

Koku himself just growled at Yang as he got into a fighting stance with two knives at the ready.

“Fine! I’ll take care of you first blondie, then I’ll keep you alive long enough to watch me gut the Creeper inside out!”

And like that the fight was on again, only this time Yang and Koku were in a heated battle while the other Fang groaned and tried to stand up.

As Yang got into another quick but exhilarating fight, I crouched down and held pressure on my neck. It wasn’t deep, but it still bled, and now that the adrenaline had worn off, the throbbing pain returned.

After not finding anything to staunch the bleeding I looked at one of the sleeves of my trench coat in dread.

Well…its either risk the wound opening more or stopping the bleeding. Oh God I hope I don’t get an infection from this.

With that thought I quickly tore off a large part of the right sleeve and tied it as tightly as I could around my neck. Not the safest nor best solution I know, but I didn’t have much choice. With my new bandage, I surveyed the scene, and while Yang and Koku fought, more grunts had recovered and started to gather their guns. I even saw Foxy scrambling away from Fang members who were still trying to “Protect her’ from me. Some of them were even clutching their feet where the little brat had apparently shot them.

This sight more than anything made me feel really useless. Here a little girl had done more than I had. It’s not like I could exactly do anything in the first place since I had no experience with fighting or shooting, but now I was injured and heavily fatigued, so I was doubly useless. Yang was tough, but she was by herself and guys with guns only needed one lucky shot as she fought a knife nut with superhuman reflexes. And if Foxy fired any more, it was only a matter of time before someone shot back. They were only there in the first place because I had screwed up the timeline with my presence, so it was literally all my fault.

What do I do? What do I do? Come on brain think of something before you get blasted or Yang gets killed! Hell before Foxy gets a bullet to the brain! COME ON YOU USELESS ZOMBIE CHOW, THINK OF SOMETHING!!!They are going to die and it’ll be your fault unless you can think of a way out of here damn it! COME ON AND THINK OF SOMETH-wait a second!

That’s when I noticed the busted open crate that Koku’s knife had hit. Or more accurately, what was inside the crate.

You see throughout the chaos that was going on I had forgotten that the Fang had been stealing dust for a while. Where else but a warehouse would you store your stolen goods? My jaw dropped as I saw that the crate contained medium sized glass containers filled with powdered fire dust, and a few single canisters holding gravity crystals tied together with some rope.

After the shock of seeing the contents of the crate passed, I started to form a plan in my mind. Said plan needed me to be in The Zone to carry it out, but since I wasn’t exactly in the calmest situation or state of mind at the time I started to breathe deeply in and out.

Remember Chris, one, two, three, four, exhale. One, two, three, four, inhale. Calm down, and enter The Zone. I’d realized pretty quickly that Remnant and calm environments don’t go hand in hand, so I ripped off the breathing technique B.J. Blazkowicz uses in Wolfinstein: The New Order. It surprisingly works pretty well in most cases, and even though I was in pain I still somehow managed to pull it off.

This situation required my full mental focus. The panicked split-second survival instincts like when Cardin threw Jaune’s shield at me wouldn’t cut it.

Eventually after a few more breathes I managed to calm down enough to enter The Zone, ignoring fear, and even pain, so I quickly got to work. With my mind completely focused, I was able to pick out blind spots with ease and so was able to sneak around the fighting to enact my plan. The reason being that I can pick out their blind spots better through the use of The Zone. So I was easily able to sneak by the fighting Fang to enact my plan.

Anyway, the plan was simple. I took one box of flame dust and put it next to one of the support beams of the warehouse. Then I stuck about two to three gravity crystals at the bottom of the boxes. Thankfully gravity dust was one of the few dust types that doesn’t set off flame dust as soon as it touches it, and since I was in The Zone I was dexterous enough not to set it off myself.

After that was all done, I took the ropes used to tie up the gravity crystals and doused them in gasoline from a few barrels that all warehouses seem to have for some reason. I put one end of the rope in the box, and put the other end in front of the crates I was hiding behind.

I did this a few more times with the other support beams having to bust open some more crates for supplies, but when it was all said and done, I had a perfectly executed get out of jail free card. The only problem was, I kind of needed to be the center of attention in order to execute it, but my Zone amplified sneaking skills had gone unnoticed.

Now how do I get their attention…aha!

Thankfully two of the assorted items I’d taken from the pawn shop would finally come in handy. What items you ask?

Why, a dog whistle and match box of course!

You see when I saw it in the shop I remembered that skit from RWBY Chibi and it got me thinking that maybe it would work in the better animated world as well. That and I figured it would be a good idea to have against evil animal people. I didn’t use it before because, you know, knife to throat and al. But as for the match box…well it’s obvious right? Fire Good.

With my tools set, I put the whistle to my lips and blew into it with everything I had, hoping against all odds that it would work. And sure enough…

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Almost as one the White Fang soldiers started to drop their weapons and grip their animal ears in pain. Koku was no exception to this, but his pain led to Yang getting a clear shot at his nose, which cracked his mask a bit.

The Corporal Fang member went skidding across the ground and back to the center of the room, still gripping his ears in pain. Yang looked around at all the others writhing on the ground in confusion until she caught site of me, cheeks puffed, with my mouth over the whistle.

“Whoa, are you doing this?” she asked as she jogged up next to me. I nodded my head, still expending the air from my lungs, and she suddenly smirked at me like she was proud.

“Well well well, guess the Boxman can defend himself huh? What’s with the sleeve scarf though? You trying a new style or-“ her praise/teasing was cut off as Foxy’s voice rang out,

“KNOCK IT OFF WITH THAT DAMN NOISE BEFORE I CLAW YOUR EYES OUT RAGAMUFFIN!!!”

Taking that as my cue to stop I took a couple of deep breaths to regain some air. As I did Koku started to weakly get up and growled in anger as he demanded,

“Where…where the hell did you get that disgusting device human!? Have you no honor?!”

“I have my secrets to keep, and who needs honor when there’s survival!” I told him with a roll of my eyes. “Honor just gets in the way of living to see another day because you needed to give a fair chance or whatever. Speaking of which.”

I could feel a smug smile spread across my lips as I played out the speech The Zone helped me create.

“If you would kindly look around you will see a few new ‘decorations’ I’ve made to the support beams of the building. Go on, I can wait.”

My smug smile grew larger as the still conscious Fang began to look around, and it just about split my face apart at the sharp gasp of surprise they all gave. Koku’s eyes had widened in disbelief before he growling out,

“Just what kind of sick joke are you playing hu-”

As I was in The Zone I completely ignored what he was saying and continued my speech,

“You’ve all seen the dust crates then? Good, now if you haven’t noticed there is a piece of rope sticking out of all of them. This piece of rope ends right at my feet, and as an extra fact for you all the ropes are doused in sweet delicious gasoline.”

I have to admit I took a little too much joy in seeing Koku’s eyes widen more and more in horror as I held up my match and continued,

“Now if you do not stop fighting and give in to my demands, I will strike this match here and light this giant fuse which will set off the flame dust inside the crates. The explosions will be enough to take out the support beams, this whole building, and all of us inside.”

“Uh…Chris? I think maybe-” I gave Yang a quick shushing glare.

“Quiet Yang, I’m negotiating their surrender here.” I turned back to the now beyond horrified Koku as I continued,

“Now before you try and say I’ll take out innocent pedestrians as well, I took the added measure of placing gravity dust into the cases. This will keep the explosion in the building and only the building through dust logic that you wouldn’t understand, and I don’t have time to explain. Now…”

I lit the match dramatically.

“Surrender now or prepare to be an extra crispy pancake.”

There was total silence as Koku looked at me and to his men for a solid minute before gaining a determined look.

“The White Fang will never surrender, especially to some no good pedophilic human!”

I just gave him a blank look at his defiance.

“Pity,” I said with no emotion and dropped the match.

There were shouts of “No!” coming from both sides (which is when I realized that Foxy had snuck up on and was standing behind me). They all reached out, as if they could somehow will the match to not end their lives.

Luckily for everyone involved, I’m not THAT crazy…or crazy at all for that matter. To everyone’s relief the match missed the ropes by a few inches, which is what I’d planned. However that relief was soon replaced with fear as I lit another match.

“Ragamuffin, What the hell?!” Foxy squealed in horror, holding her hands to her mouth.

“Now that was a warning, so let’s try that again,” I said coldly. “Surrender now or I will take you, me, your men, and this warehouse to the other side.”

Koku only had one thing to say to that,

“You're…you're no Creeper! You’re insane!!”

“In the Membrane,” I agreed with no emotion. “So should I take that as your surrender?”

…

…

…

“The White Fang under my command surrender you bastard...”

“Good...” I smiled like a Bond villain. “Blondie, please be a dear and knock them out please? We need to make a pile outside the warehouse for the police to take care of.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, fear The Zone. For it can take the wimpiest of men and turn them into the cold depths of borderline insanity. Though that tends to be more fun than anything else really…

}Line Break{

After Yang had finished knocking out and piling the Fang outside the warehouse across the street, I finally exited The Zone. Of course the minute I did the pain from my body came back full force and Yang had to catch me before I could fall.

So with her supporting me, and Foxy by our side, we looked over pile of Fang grunts in triumph and relief. Foxy had been kind enough to call the police, so we were just basking in the moment of our achievement before making ourselves scarce.

“Chris, can I ask you something?” Yang said breaking the silence.

“Would I have actually blown all of us up back there?” I said, causing her to nod. To this I began to laugh.

“Please Yang, I’m not that crazy.”

“Are you sure?” asked Foxy who was giving me a wide berth. “Because I saw your eyes. There was nothing there…”

“I was in The Zone kid,” I reassured her before my face took on a scowl. “And seriously, all of that was your fault anyway!”

Her fearful expression went away as she scowled back.

“My fault?! How is this my fault?!” she demanded.

“Because you don’t have the brains that God gave corn to realize how to properly phrase things!” I growled back.

“What are you even talking about?! I helped rescue you!”

“Um, I believe most of that was me?” Yang chimed, but we both ignored her.

“You just wanted to your slave back!”

“No duh! I don’t know what those White Fang guys wanted with you, but I protected what’s mine!” she huffs.

“It’s only because of you that they thought I was a predator!”

She looked confused by this.

“What, like a Beowolf?”

“Oh My God! How can you be so evil and yet so naïve at the same time?” Not liking my tone, she pulled out her gun.

“Dog’s shouldn’t bark at their masters like that Ragamuffin!” she threatened.

“Oh get that out of my face, you already used up all your shots.”

“I did not! I only shot five weirdoes!” she countered.

“Bullshit!”

“Um, I think she’s right. Only five of those guys were sho-” Yang was interrupted yet again.

“I counted! I’m not stupid!”

“That’s debatable. I know you’re out of bullets kid, and without that, you have no leverage. I’m not going back to working for you. I have a real job now…one that I still haven’t really been paid for, but it’s better than working for you!”

“Oh Really? Then why do you still look and smell like a hobo?!”

“I’m not a Hobo Damn It!” I shouted as I slapped her gun to the side, where it suddenly barked and a shot went back into the warehouse.

We all froze at this.

“Holy Crap!”

“Why would you just hit a gun like that! I told you it was still loaded!” she shrieked.

“I thought you were bluffing!” I yelled back.

“I…I almost shot you…” she said shakily, and I noticed that she seemed to be trembling a bit.

The hell? You shot five other people in the foot cool as a cucumber. Why are you all freaked out now? I wondered as the fox eared little girl looked guilty and scared. Before I could wonder more on that, Yang yelped.

“Oh Crap!” At her horror stricken face I just gave her a confused look before turning my head to see what she was looking at,

“Okay, what’s with the….look….oh shit.”

You see, that wild shot had hit the floor and made a spark near the gas soaked ropes. Said ropes were now on fire and quickly spreading towards the dust.

“RUN FOR IT!!!!!”

With that proud shout Yang scooped me up bridal style and ran like hell away from the warehouse with Foxy tagging along. We made it further down the street just in time as the dust went off, but thankfully my gravity dust idea worked, and the explosion was contained to the building. Strangely enough the warehouse did not fall like I thought it would.

“Huh…I could have sworn that would have knocked it down,” I muttered, somewhat disappointed as we watched the smoking building. “Maybe the support beams are stronger than I thought?”

“I got no clue Boxman,” Yang shrugged with me still in her arms.

“Hey Ragamuffin, what about all the other dust in there? Won’t the fire set it off?”

“What other du-Oh Shi-”

*BOOOOOOOOM*

And that was how I quiet literally blew the roof off a warehouse, as well as cause a mushroom cloud to appear in Remnant for the first time. Apparently, it could be seen for miles, even all the way to Mistral.

Half of Vale thought they were under attack, and the other half were too scared to think. Ozpin may or may not have suffered a mini-heart attack, and a classroom or two may have been incased in ice due to the force of the explosion being felt all the way in Beacon.

…

…

…

Okay maybe I’m over exaggerating a little with what happened at Beacon since an explosion that big would have vaporized us, but the cloud was still huge, and the city did panic I swear!

Needless to say, this was one of the biggest ‘oops’ moments of my life on Remnat. The fact that it isn’t THE biggest just goes to show how screwed up my life has become.

As we all stared at the blooming pile of ash and smoke, Yang decided to tempt fate, because I guess she hadn’t had enough of ruining my day.

“Well…things could be worse.”

The minute she said that a dozen police cars showed up and surrounded us. Countless cops piled out with their guns drawn and ordered us all to raise our hands. Yang instinctively did just that, and my sorry hide fell to the street head first.

At this point the pain was too much for me and I thankfully began to pass out, but before I did I could only think of one thing.

God Damn it, Goodwitch is going to kill me, I thought in anguish before all went black.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

On account that I was unconscious for a while after the police showed up I don’t really have much of a grasp on what happened.

From what Yang told me is that while she and my unconscious body were hauled off to the police station, Foxy somehow managed to escape before the cops could get her.

Lucky little brat probably ran off the minute the second explosion happened. It would be a while before she showed up again, and the chaos that followed still gives me a headache to this day.

Anyway, as for the Fang grunts, they were hauled off to a local jail. Apparently since they were wearing White Fang uniforms and were Faunus the police didn’t need to hold a trial before they got jailed.

Not really fair and I’m pretty sure it was just the cops being racist, but they are terrorists that tried to kill me, so I guess it balances out slightly.

Koku himself, and a few other grunts, came back to the land of the living when the explosion went off, but since they were all tied up they couldn’t do much.

According to Yang, Koku was cursing my name, or rather that annoying Creeper title, the entire time. He swore revenge for his damaged Faunus pride or something like that. I didn’t think too much of it since he was going to be in jail for a long time.

Clearly, I forgot how much the universe loves to prove me wrong. Though I do still wish I was awake for that to see the look on his face, and maybe taunt him some more. Then again taunting a crazy terrorist who was out for your blood probably isn’t the greatest of ideas, so maybe it was a good thing that I passed out from the pain.

Speaking of pain, as soon as we got to the police station, they tried to get me to some medics they had on standby to help, but according to Yang she didn’t let any of the cops near me. I guess my tale of the police’s treatment of the homeless affected her more than I thought since she didn’t trust any of the police medics to handle me.

Now this isn’t really the smartest thing Yang could have done since I was in need of medical attention no matter who was giving it, but it’s the thought that counts.

Eventually the police managed to talk Yang down and the medics got to work while Yang was questioned on just what happened. This is around the time I finally came to. The medics had performed some minor aura healing to help lessen the pain and had patched up my neck. Thankfully no stitches were needed since the cut wasn’t too deep, just some disinfectant and proper bandaging.

But let me tell you disinfectant hurts like hell! I swear I thought they were trying to cauterize my wound when they started. I never wanted to deal with that again, but my luck made sure never was replaced with always.

After that I was still sore all over, but like I said the aura healing they did help lessen it. They told me it would be a few days before I was in the all clear. I was just glad I didn’t break anything, so I was perfectly fine with a sore body.

After I was given the go ahead to move around, I was escorted to an interrogation room where some detectives ‘asked’ me some questions.

And by ask I mean demanded. Figures when Yang gets questioned they’re all nice about it but when the healing hobo looking guy gets questioned suddenly the heat is on. I mean what gives!?

…

…

…

Okay, I think I just answered my own question.

Ahem, anyway after that was all over with, the cops put me in the same room as Yang. She looked pretty happy to see me alright, but before she could say anything the detectives from before showed up with, guess what, our arrest warrants.

That’s right, apparently capturing a bunch of terrorists doesn’t negate all the illegal stuff we did, like blowing up a building. I had figured as much, but Yang seemed pretty pissed about it. What other reason would she punch a hole into a concrete wall and curse like a sailor? For those curious about what exactly our charges were, I’ll tell you.

Yang was charged with destruction of property and first-count vigilantism. Pretty light honestly.

Me? Oh boy well that’s a long one. I was charged the same as Yang, along with one charge of improper dust usage, three charges of theft, five charges of public disturbance, another charge of public endangerment, another few minor charges, and the cherry at the top being twenty-six counts of attempted murder.

…

…

…

Yeah...I’m pretty sure my face paled till it was see through when I first heard that.

Most of this stuff is pretty self-explanatory really. The theft charges are from that old lady at the pawnshop, apparently, she doesn’t accept cash from “no good hobo’s running from the law” so she didn’t accept the cash I threw at her.

If that wasn’t annoying enough since I’m not a hobo, the money she didn’t accept was taken as ‘evidence’ and I never saw it again even after the case was closed! I just know one of those cop jerks ‘misplaced’ it during transportation! I bet it was that stereotypical fat one too!

If I could just get my hands on that thieving fat jerk I wou-

Ahem, sorry. I can rant about my mur-I mean confrontation ideas with that cop later. Anyway...

All the public and dust charges were because of the whole warehouse explosion incident. Apparently, people really don’t like it when you blow up a warehouse on accident with high amounts of unstable dust that could have hurt innocent bystanders. Never mind the fact that I had precautions in place! Truly this is something I will never understand. What’s wrong with blowing stuff up once in a while anyway? Besides I made sure no one would get hurt outside the building with the gravity dust crystals.

Anyway, you're all wondering about the whole twenty-six counts of attempted murder huh? Well simply put the police thought I was actually trying to kill the Fang with the explosion!

I, of course, went on to try to explain to them that I had no intention of killing anybody.

“So you’re telling me you didn’t intend to blow up the warehouse? Just scare the Fang to surrender?”

“For the last time yes! If I wanted to blow up the warehouse on purpose I would have done it after we left the district! Why is that so hard to understand!?”

Needless to say I didn’t get very far in convincing them.

However just as they were about to slap the cuffs on me (and possibly subdue Yang considering how angry she was) and throw us into the hen house, our knight in shining armor showed up.

The door to the interrogation room opened slowly as a visibly scared cop gestured into the room before sputtering out,

“He-here they are ma-ma’am!”

The four of us (the two detectives, Yang and I) looked over to see who scared the poor cop so badly. Really it could have only been one person.

“Mr. Sullivan, Miss Xiao Long. I see you both have been busy.”

There, standing in the door like death itself was Glynda Goodwitch, and I could physically feel years of my life exploding in pure terror.

I’m serious! The woman had this aura surrounding her that just screamed anger and promised nothing but pain! It felt like I was staring at my own executor who I pissed off just before my execution!

The others in the room didn’t fare better as we all just silently stared at Deathwitch in fear. Our silence only caused the nightmare in human form to sigh before she told the detectives in a calm voice (that had an almost unnoticeable tone of rage hidden in it),

“I apologize for my student and fellow...coworker gentlemen. Rest assured that we at Beacon will have a fair punishment awaiting them when we return. Beacon has also generously donated money to pay for damages, and since no harm has truly been done the police chief has decided to drop the charges.”

Now that managed to snap Yang and I out of it, but while we breathed a sigh of relief, the detectives were less than pleased with this outcome.

“Now you listen here lady! You can’t just go and end the case for us! These are some serious charges and-”

The dangerous aura surrounding Glynda somehow managed to strengthen as she gave the detectives a (malicious) calm smile before interrupting him,

“They will be handled by the Beacon staff and the case will be investigated fully. I’m sure I don’t need to repeat myself about the chief’s decision Detective Burg. Do I?” The detective’s mouth clamped shut for a good couple of seconds before he stuttered out a response,

“U-uh no ma’am, everything is crystal clear. You can have the suspects.” With that Goodwitch’s aura all but vanished as she turned to us.

“Good, now come along you two. We have plenty to...discuss about back at the school,” she commanded in a treacherously calm manner.

Too scared to even say anything we both just nodded our heads and followed Goodwitch out. As we were exiting the room I happened to hear the other detective mutter under his breath,

“Another damned case that Beacon’s covering up. Just what the hell is going on?” I would have thought more on this interesting little tidbit, but my fear of pissing off Goodwitch even more kept me from doing so. Seriously, that woman is terrifying when she gets angry!

Still even with fear gripping my mind, I still managed to store that tidbit for later. After all, I figured that if there was one thing to help me figure out what changed in the past, Beacon’s cover-ups would be the perfect place to look.

What I found out...I really wished I didn’t.

}Line Break{

The ride back to Goodwitch’s office was one of silence. She didn’t want to talk then, and we were all but happy to oblige. When we arrived back at Beacon there were a good chunk of students waiting for us there.

Apparently, the mushroom cloud caused by the explosion made enough ruckus to get classes put on hold until the situation was handled. The students waiting for us apparently saw Goodwitch leaving and figured she knew what was up so they waited for her to get back. Among the crowd were the rest of RWBY, JNPR, and of course that paparazzi rabbit with her scroll up and ready.

“I’m never getting that restraining order now. Not with my legal problems,” I muttered and facepalmed, causing both women to give me an aside glance.

What can I say? Even my fear takes a backseat ride when I get annoyed enough. An inconsistent, yet oddly helpful, trait. When the crowd of students saw how eerily calm Goodwitch looked, quite a few of them instinctively took a step back from her. The rest, (freshman considering their lack of a survival instinct), just looked confused. Of course, those looks of confusion turned to understanding and even humor when they saw me and Yang trudging behind her with grim looks.

I’m pretty sure bunny girl actually jumped a good few feet when she saw me, and I swear I saw her scroll screen frizzle out from how hard she hit the record button.

“He now has a one sleeved coat on and appears to have wet his pants at some point,” I heard her report to her stupid phone.

I covertly gave her the bird by placing only that finger upon my beard and glared at her, but she either didn’t notice or didn’t care.

As Goodwitch led as through the gawking crowd, ignoring them and focusing solely on the two idiots behind her, I tried my best to keep my head down and prayed that no one did anything stupid.

“CHRIS! YANG! You’re okay!”

God dang it you adorable reaper!

Of course, the universe heard my prayer and decided to do the opposite of what I wanted, as is its custom.

Ruby burst out of the crowd and rammed right into Yang, leaving a rose petal trail as usual. Yang managed to hold her ground and not go flying from the adorable missile that was her sister, but she did start to turn blue from how tightly she was hugging her.

“Uh Red, you might want to let go before Yang turns into a blueberry.”

...Is what I wanted to say. But the steely look Goodwitch was sending the two sisters locked my jaw up tighter than Fort Knox.

What is with strict teachers having terrifying looks?!?

My thoughts aside, it really did look like Goodwitch was just going to let Yang pass out from her sisters’ hug of doom. But of course, that meant Yang would be able to escape her lecture, so eventually she interrupted the soon to be accidental homicide with an irritated cough.

That cough alone managed to stop the hug, as well as cause Ruby to jump off her sister with a fearful ‘eep’ that sounded adorable as hell.

You know, I guess Goodwitch’s anger does have other uses besides giving me nightmares. I mean seriously that eep from Ruby was just so Squee worthy that making Goodwitch angry on a daily basis might have been worth it!

…

…

…

Okay on second thought pissing her off on purpose just for that is a terrible idea. Not to mention the emotional trauma Ruby would suffer…

Anyway, Goodwitch just raised brow at the main protagonist before sighing.

“Miss Rose, while I know you must feel relieved that your sister and...friend are okay, you must understand that they are in serious trouble. You may speak with them after I have talked with them. Understand?” Ruby just nodded her head shyly while poking her fingers together in nervousness.

I have such an odd mix of terror and gushiness right now. Damn you Goodwitch for ruining this adorable moment!! As soon as I thought that Goodwitch’s head snapped towards me. I couldn’t stop myself as I jumped back slightly in fear of my life.

Hell! She CAN read minds! Probably satisfied with my reaction, she turned back to Ruby and the rest of the students.

“That goes for all of you as well, now get back to your classes. The hold on teaching should be lifted soon and you will be counted as tardy if you do not get back before then!” There was murmuring from the crowd at Goodwitch’s order before they started to head back to their classes.

Ruby sent me and Yang one last worried look before joining back up with Weiss and Blake and heading off, JNPR not far behind.

Velvet looked somewhat disappointed that I didn’t do anything crazy, to which I managed to send her a smug smile, and a quick Blep of my tongue like an immature kid.

After that, the walk back to Goodwitch’s office was yet again filled with silence, and an ever growing feeling of dread in my gut. You have to understand that this was a pretty bad situation for me. Not only had I messed up royally in Goodwitch’s eyes, but Yang got into trouble as well. Don’t get me wrong, I was gonna make sure she’d get pranked hard for her little kidnapping stunt, but that was it. Now she was in deep trouble with the school for breaking the law.

I could handle getting fired, after all it wouldn’t be the first time. Plus I would only have to hide out for a while till either Old Man Fuller got the shop rebuilt or till I could hitch a ride out of Vale. Sure there was the Fang to worry about, but the jackass behind my wanted status was in jail, and I had faith in my ability to hide from people trying to kill me.

The real problem in this mess was Yang. The plot had probably already been thrown out the proverbially window since she messed with the Fang too early, and now she was looking at suspension, or worse, expulsion from Beacon because of this. I mean I doubted Ozpin would do that, the manipulative old bastard that he is, but it was still a possibility with the Butterfly Effect involved! In the end, whatever would happen would be my fault entirely for existing in this world.

With my paranoia flooding my mind and overriding my fear, scenario after scenario filled my head. Each one worse than the last. How could RWBY exist without their Y?

So as we finally entered Goodwitch’s office, my panicked brain could only think of one thing…

Universe I’m begging ya, for once in my life please do something that won’t screw over the plot anymore than it already has!

And for once the universe did listen...of course it screwed me over in the process, but hey a win’s a win.

}Line Break{

You ever get called down to the principal's office, and when you get there you're asked to sit in those uncomfortable chairs in front of their desk? Then for some ungodly reason they don’t say anything for a couple of minutes and just stare at you, making you feel more and more ashamed at what you did? Well apparently Goodwitch really loves that cliché, as Yang and I were forced through that hell. Only it was multiplied by ten since it was Goodwitch.

I thought that if I even moved then her eyes would disintegrate me on the spot. My nerves were through the roof and I felt like just crawling into a hole to live the rest of my life away from those eyes. And no matter what Yang says about how she kept her cool the entire time, she was just as terrified as I was!

After a few more minutes of the torture I dubbed the Goodwitch Stare Down she finally spoke with a voice heavy in disappointment,

“I honestly don’t know what to do about you two. Not only have you almost tarnished Beacon’s reputation with this little vigilante stunt, but you have also caused massive property damage that’ll have to be paid with Beacon’s own budget. Just what were you two thinking!?” I just stuttered nervously at her question, while Yang, who was now more angry than scared, did every teenager’s trademark scoff before saying,

“Look teach, they’re the ones who started it!”

“Oh really?” she raised an eyebrow before looking at a paper on her desk. “According to the police report it was you, Miss. Xiao Long, who charged at the White Fang members and attacked first.”

Oh Crap! The Fang she beat up at the diner! I thought in dread. They more than likely had woken up and pointed their fingers at her.

“They were attacking innocent people!” Yang declared. “I had to do something, and punching their lights out was the best option!”

No calling the police or tailing them was the best option, what you did was the worst possible option!

“No, the best option was to call the police and wait for the proper authorities to arrive,” Goodwitch echoed my thoughts. “What you did was reckless and could have made the situation worse for all parties involved.”

Goodwitch’s reasonable explanation fell on deaf ears as Yang just closed her fists in anger before growling out,

“What I did was my job teach! I’m a Huntress! I couldn’t just stand there an-”

*Whip Noise*

Goodwitch’s riding crop slammed onto the end of her desk, effectively interrupting Yang and causing me to jump in my seat at the sudden noise.

Oh God she’s bringing out the riding crop! If she gets mad enough, will she use it on us?!! I don’t wanna go through that feeling again!!!

Yeah...well before I came to Remnant, I’d had…There was this one time…She…Okay no, I’m not finishing that. Let’s just say that it was college and she was an interesting character. And by ‘interesting’ I of course mean ‘bat shit insane. She just so happened to be a big fan of RWBY, and took a little too much liking to Goodwitchs character so…College…

…

…

…

Anyway, the two blondes didn’t seem to notice my little jump as they continued to stare each other down.

“You’re not a Huntress Miss Xiao Long, you are a Huntress-in-Training. Your job, if any, is to attend class to learn the proper ways of our society and of hunting the creatures of Grimm. Not to get into fights with terrorists!”

*Slam*

Yang’s fist slammed into the chair arm as she angrily stood up and yelled,

“WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO!? Just stand aside while some creeps killed people knowing I could do something to help?!?”

Whoa, calm down blondie. I know you got the hero complex, but now’s not the time to be yelling. Especially at her!

“Miss Xiao Long,” Goodwitch sighed, “I understand how you feel, truly I do. But rules and laws exist for a reason. To keep everybody safe. Taking the law into your own hands can only end in disaster. You’re inexperienced, untrained, and young.” Yang’s glare only seemed to harden at this, but before she could say anything Goodwitch continued in a much somber tone,

“All traits that can lead to disaster unless properly handled. Those White Fang may have only gotten off with bruises, but what if next time you go overboard? What if next time civilians get caught in the crossfire? What if those you attacked went after your loved ones? Would you be able to handle going through all that?”

Yang’s face of anger slowly morphed into one of realization...and something else I couldn’t discern. She eventually sat back down without another word, clearly affected by the teacher’s wisdom. Honestly, I wasn't faring any better. Goodwitch’s words hit me pretty hard as some...unpleasant memories surfaced from it.

I’d...rather not say what. They’ll come up eventually, bit by bit, down the road. But for now...I’d rather not talk about.

…

…

…

An-anyway! I managed to burry those memories once again, but I couldn’t help but think,

Just...just what the hell kind of backstory do you have Goodwitch?

The instructor studied both of us for a bit, before sighing and setting the riding crop down.

“Vigilantism was outlawed for a reason. To protect civilians from the crossfire, but even more so to keep young people like yourself from doing anything you can never take back.”

There was a bit of silence as Goodwitch’s words rang throughout the room. It didn’t look like Yang was going to talk back, given her now blank face hidden under her hair, so Goodwitch’s attention turned to me.

And like a switch she was back to her cold self.

No! Bring back solemn Goodwitch, this one is too cold an-eep! I stiffened up when her eyes met mine.

“As for you Mr. Sullivan, it appears I must once again question Ozpin's decision to hire you. Causing damages to the school is one thing, but destroying an entire warehouse with dust is a whole new level of incompetence.”

“Th-th-th” I gulped nervously, “That was an accident I swear! I was just trying to get the Fang to surrender is all. I didn’t mean to-” Goodwitch held her hand up, stopping my explanation.

“Yes yes you didn’t mean to I know. I read the police report already. That’s not what matters, what matters is that you purposely created a dust bomb with the intent to harm others. The fact alone you had the knowledge to create such a dangerous bomb to begin with is worrying!” I could only blink owlishly at that, and the only intelligent thing I could respond with was,

“Huh?”

“You’re lucky that Ozpin managed to get all your charges dropped,” she said as she rubbed her eyes in annoyance. “If it weren’t for him you would be spending the rest of your life in a jail cell.”

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I owe Ozpin for saving my hide or that this is the second time he’s done it?

I honestly had no clue why Ozpin had decided to be so helpful to me. It wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart considering everything he does always involves an ulterior motive. Of course, I did find out later why he was so helpful, but honestly the reason just confused me more than anything else. It also made want to punch the old geezer really hard in his wrinkly face, but that’s for later.

Goodwitch took my silent confusion as an OK to continue.

“I personally believe you should have had to pay for the damages yourself with your checks…”

Of course you would. Do you just hate the idea of me having money so much that-

“Of course, taking into account how you weren’t entirely willing to start this whole mess in the first place, I can understand why Ozpin decided against that idea.”

-Crazy Riding Crop Lady says what now?

My surprise must have been pretty evident on my face for she continued.

“Considering how Miss Xiao Long did indeed kidnap you, which we will have a discussion about later young lady, and since she was the one who instigated the whole thing in the first place, Ozpin has decided that your punishment won’t be as severe as hers. If only because you are just barely another victim in this mishap, but not by much mind you.”

Yang seemed pretty indifferent about what Goodwitch said, which I can only assume was due to her still being deep in thought, while the only reaction I could muster out was,

“Wha…”

How do they know Yang kidnapped me?! Is Ozpin actually tracking me or something and saw the whole thing? That crazy old bastard! When I get my hands on him for snooping on me I’ll-wait a minute. The cameras! They must have just watched the security feed to figure things out when I went missing. So no creepy stalking old man...wait no focus! Gotta keep Yang from getting suspended!

Ignorant to my thoughts Goodwitch looked between me and Yang while saying,

“As much as I want to keep you both here longer to get across how tremendously bad your choices were today, you both still have responsibilities to take care of today. So for now I’ll simply hand off your punishments, but do expect a visit to my office in the near future for you both.”

I couldn’t help but gulp at that. The thought that this was only the beginning of Goodwitch’s lectures did not sit well for me.

Sadly I couldn’t avoid it, and those four hours (yes, I said four hours) were hell...and made me feel highly inadequate for living on my own.

But before that came to be, Yang just kept her blank face as Goodwitch prepared to hand down our punishment. I, on the other hand, was having an internal panic trying to think of a way to lessen Yang’s punishment.

I mean I didn’t know exactly what it was at the time, but I was assuming the worst like usual and thought suspension or expulsion were gonna happen. The fear of the Butterfly Effect causing untold amounts of damage, along with a mental image of a depressed Ruby over Yang being gone, made me do what I did next.

What did I do? Well….

“WAIIIIITTTTT!!!”

I stood up and yelled as loud as I could with my arms out.

That seemed to knock Yang out of her thoughts as she looked at me in confusion, while Goodwitch herself kept a neutral face.

“Yes Mr. Sullivan?”

Gulping slightly at her lack of emotion, I took a deep breath and did yet another stupid thing to end that whole stupid day.

“Listen Ms. Goodwitch, there’s something you need to know before you can punish us. You see you got something wrong and I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t correct it.”

Goodwitch simply raised her brow at that before asking,

“And what did I get wrong exactly Mr. Sullivan?”

I quickly glanced at Yang who seemed very puzzled.

Whelp...this is gonna suck.

With that thought I took another deep breath and resolved myself.

“While it’s true she hauled me out of the school, that was for a completely different reason. This whole thing with attacking the White Fang wasn’t Yang’s idea. It...it was mine. I forced her to help me, not the other way around…”

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

It is a well-known fact that one Chris ‘Joker’ Sullivan has the worst luck in the world. Every day is a new struggle for the hobo turned janitor to survive what his luck and the universe has in storm that day.

Today’s dose of bad luck and universe meddling just so happens to take a turn for the strange and unreal.

It all started with the exhausted janitor stumbling into the girls bathroom early in the morning by accident...while it was occupied.

“GET BACK HERE YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT SO I CAN KILL YOU!!!”

“FOR THE LAST TIME IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!”

Yes it seems that poor Chris has managed to enter anime cliché central. Truly his luck is terrible beyond measure.

If I survive this, I swear to God I’m installing a portable bathroom onto my cart! Or something like that!

Poor Chris, so caught up in his plans for survival, did not notice the strange green portal appear in front of him till he was already through it. The girls that were chasing after him could only look at the now smoldering spot with confused looks before shrugging their shoulders and leaving.

Meanwhile with our dear Chris, he has yet to notice that he went through a portal. Instead he is focused on running, yet oddly enough the hall he is in is identical to the one he was just in before the portal. Perhaps it was a dud porta-

*BWEEEEEEP! BIP, BIP. BEEEEEEEP!*

Ah, it appears I spoke too soon.

The sudden noise caused Chris to stop in his tracks to turn towards it.

What the hell? Since when did angry girls sound like si…rens…what the!?

Chris’s confusion is easy to understand as he was staring at a child bunny Faunus wearing adorable hall monitor like gear heading towards him while riding a big wheel trike. Now usually the site itself would be cause for flabbergasting thoughts, but the fact that it was a certain familiar rabbit kid that really threw him off.

Is that…Violet!? B-but she was a fanfic character! How the hell is she-

Before Chris could finish his thought, the adorable little rabbit girl mumbled into her Scroll,

“This is Officer Violet! I am in pursuit of a runner, appears to be a Hobo dressed as a watermelon! Request to use Mr. Taser?”

Before the adorable bunny could hear (or as we know, create a response) our protagonist Chris yelled out,

“I’M NOT A HOBO DAMMIT! I’M JUST LOW ON FUNDS DUE TO SUDDEN DIMENSIONAL TRAVEL!”

The bunny girl wasted no time as she suddenly sped up with Mr. Taser in hand as she gave a war cry of,

“SWEAR!”

Chris, being the reasonable adult that he is, responded in a responsible mann-

“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPER! I’VE OUTRUN COPS BEFORE, AND MR. TASER SHALL NOT CLAIM ANOTHER VICTIM TODAY!”

…or he responded like he usually does as the chase ensued, causing untold amounts of property damage. I swear of all the protagonists I have to narrate…sigh, this one is the weirdest.

}End Omake{

Chapter Text

I have done plenty of dumb and reckless things before I somehow got to Remnant. Plenty of accidental explosions, intentional explosions, vicarious explosions…Okay, a lot of explosions were involved as many of my prank victims can attest to. The point is I was and am a reckless person if I don't have enough time to plan and prepare due to my paranoia. Being stuck in Remnant did not change that fact. I tend to regret these rash actions and can't help but curse my stupidity for not thinking ahead, but taking the blame for this whole debacle with the Fang and Yang...well this is one of the exceptions.

The room was in complete silence as my words started to register with the two blonde women. Yang had a look of shock plastered on her face while Goodwitch had her usual calm look. The only way I could actually tell that my words had any effect on her was the slightly raised eyebrow she had, which didn't really help my confidence as it looked like she was thinking 'Oh Really?'

Oh come on I haven't even explained why yet and you're already doubting me! I'm not that untrustworthy, am I? I panicked as she stared at me in silence that felt like hours, but was only a few seconds.

"Care to repeat yourself Mr. Sullivan?" she finally said after an eternity of a few moments.

"Yeah, what are-" Yang started but I held out my hand to shush her.

"Wel-Well you see Ms. Goodwitch," I gulped. "Yang nabbed me for a completely different reason, and I actually forced her to help me deal with the Fang. This whole thing is my fault." Silence once again reigned in the office, but this time it was shorter as she broke it with a sigh.

"Mr. Sullivan while I admire that you are trying to cover for a student's mistake I have to remind you that all evidence points to the contrary. You have no obligation to help her as you are simply a janitorial worker who got dragged into this mess, nothing more."

"No no no I'm serious Ms. Goodwitch, this whole mess is my fault!" I shook my head quickly and waved my hands back and forth for emphasis. This earned me a slight glare from Goodwitch, before her usual calm demeanor returned.

"Okay Mr. Sullivan, if you are truly the one at fault here then please explain to me what actually happened." Nodding my head I sat back down and began to explain my B.S. version of what happened.

"Well you see Yang here decided to kidnap me as you know, I'm not even denying that part," I emphasized, to which Goodwitch waved her hand for me to continue. "Well she kidnapped me because she thought I was intentionally hurting her sister's feelings and she 'wanted to set the dirty hobo straight' ya know?"

Goodwitch's eyebrow twitched slightly at my words before nodding her head for me to continue.

"Well since I wanted to live and all I told her I had no intention of doing that, deliberate or not, and a couple punches to my ribs later she believed me." I earned a red eyed glare from blonde for this, but I continued on.

"So that should have been the end of it right? Well, it should have been, but…" I trailed off looking at Yang who was equal parts confused and curious. "I kinda sorta blackmailed her into helping me get the White Fang off of my back."

"Blackmail?" Goodwitch and Yang both said at the same time.

"Yeah," I doubled down. "I told her I would report her kidnapping to the faculty, AKA you, if she didn't help me get them to stop hunting me."

"Hold that thought Mr. Sullivan," Goodwitch cut my lie off. "What's this about the White Fang hunting you specifically?"

Oh hell I done goofed! I panicked, my eyes widening at my slip up. I can't tell her the Fang are after me because they think I'm a pedo! Gah quick brain I need an idea!

Thankfully my brain decided to work fast for me for once as another lie popped out of my mouth.

"Well you see I may or may not have got a few of them behind bars during my stint as a P.I. and they wanted a little revenge for 'ruining their Faunus honor' or something."

"Is that so…" she said, the disbelief all but dripping from her tongue. In hindsight, that explanation never would have worked. They looked up whatever small past I had in Remnant before, and obviously they never found any records of me working as a Private Detective, but it's all I could think of to say. Again, I regret many of my ill thought out decisions, explosions or otherwise.

"Yeah! I guess crazy terrorist like to hold grudges," I nodded and lied through my teeth. Ironically I had no idea just how true that statement was at the time. But after my unknowing foreshadowing Goodwitch gestured for me to continue my fantasy narrative.

"So yeah, the animal people terrorists can't let things go, and I'd seen Yang in action before, so I used the situation to my advantage. I know my decision wasn't exactly a morally good one, but well…I was desperate, and I used blackmail like a freaking coward."

"Chris! What the hell are you talking about?! You Di-"

"It's okay Yang!" I interrupted her as I physically placed my hand over her mouth which surprised her enough to give me a few moments to set my pants on fire even more. "I feel guilty enough about dragging you into this in the first place. The least you can do is let me make it up to you by telling the truth."

Yang eyed me quizzically with my hand over her mouth, as she appeared to hear what I was actually saying inside.

Shut up Yang! I'm giving you an out! Let me take the fall!

Still curious, confused, and now frustrated, Yang placed her hand over mind and squeezed it till I swear the bones cracked.

"Eeeeeeee," I groaned as my hand was nearly liquefied. She then roughly shoved my hand off of her mouth and back towards me before huffing and turning away slightly.

"Y-You see? Clearly blackmailing her was a bad thing, heh heh," I chuckled nervously and massaged my squished appendage.

There was a good couple of seconds of silence after that as Goodwitch continued to stare at me in severe doubt.

Come on please fall for it! It's a chance to dock my pay again, you love docking my pay! You can't resist it Goodwitch! Hurry up and believe my Bullshit already!

While I was busy mentally begging the strictest and, in my opinion, sanest teacher in the school to believe my lies, she turned her attention back to Yang and asked,

"Ms. Xiao Long, I would like for you to give me your own perspective of what happened. Is what Mr. Sullivan saying true or not?"

"Ms. Goodwitch I swear I'm telling you the truth!" I interjected. "I was the one who caused this whole mes-"

*Thwack*

I flinched slightly at the sound of Goodwitch's riding crop hitting the end of her desk and effectively shut up as she turned to glare at me.

"That question was not directed at you Mr. Sullivan. I believe I was asking for her side of the story. If you attempt to interrupt again I will have no choice but to silence you myself, am I clear?"

I just nodded my head franticly in fear at Goodwitch's sudden threat because what else could I do?

What the hell do you mean by that!? Are you gonna kill me or something!? Just how much do I piss you off lady!?

My thoughts, of course, went unheard as Goodwitch returned her attention to Yang.

"I-I, well…" Yang gulped under the scrutiny. She threw a quick glance at me, as if I could help her.

Don't. Tell. Truth. Just. Play. Along. You. Dumb. Blonde. I thought with all of my might, hoping my thoughts would penetrate that thick skull of hers somehow. I don't know how she knew I was insulting her just from my facial features, but she threw a subtle kick under the table that hit right in the shin bone.

AHHHH! Why? First my hand and now my leg? Why is a brawling specialist so good at kicking anyway?! I screamed internally as I tried not to let the pain register. I failed of course, but Goodwitch either didn't notice, or didn't care as she awaited Yang's response.

"My perspective huh?" Yang said after taking a deep breath. "Well let me tell you Ms. Goodwitch everything Boxman over here just said was…"

No! Don't go for the truth Yang! Go with the lie you idiot! If you don't the universe might actually explode and- AHH! Quit Kicking Me You Stupid-

"Was mostly the truth," she finished, a sly smirk on her lips.

…Wait you're playing along? I mean-yes you're playing along! Suck it universe! Wait…What did she mean by mostly?

"What do you mean by mostly?" Goodwitch asked, echoing my thoughts. Yang just shrugged her shoulders before she said,

"Well Mr. Boxman here thinks he blackmailed me into helping. That's not exactly true since he only had his word that I kidnapped him, and, well, he doesn't exactly look like a trustworthy person so I didn't really think anyone would believe him."

Hey! I am too trustworthy! If anyone's untrustworthy here it's the illuminati headmistress over he-eep!

My rant on Goodwitch was interrupted when her head snapped towards me with a glare that I swear could scare a ghost into the After-After-Life! I actually held my breath in fear that if I so much as moved she'd use her riding crop on me!

Holy crap do you have sort of sixth sense that tells you when someone's bad mouthing you or something?! Seriously lady that is just downright cree-AH OKAY I'LL SHUT UP I'LL SHUT UP JUST ENOUGH WITH THE PIERCING STARE OF DEATH ALREADY!

"So yeah, there was no way anyone would ever believe him," Yang continued oblivious to my mental turmoil. "But since he mentioned kicking some terrorist jerk's butts I figured I'd play along."

Goodwitch stared at Yang for a few seconds before she took a deep breath of frustration.

"So let me get this straight. Mr. Sullivan was the one who blackmailed you, and even through you knew he couldn't follow through with it you still decided to attack the White Fang?" Yang glanced back at me before she nodded her head and plainly said,

"Yep, only reason I tried to cover for him in the first place is because he's friends with my sister. Can't let her be disappointed that her first friend was just a sleazebag ya know?"

Okay first off, ouch. Second off, Yang that story isn't gonna get you off the hook! If anything, you're just sharing the bla-and suddenly I know what's happening. Yang you sneak!

Yeah, by then it hit me that Yang wasn't going along with my plan to let me take all the blame, and instead she was trying to split the blame again. Naturally I couldn't let that happen so I tried to intervene.

"Wait Ms. Goodwitch she-urk!" Before I could even finish, Goodwitch sent me another one of her death glares, which honestly considering all the times she gave me those I should really get a trademark on it. But yeah, she managed to shut me up once again before she looked between me and Yang. One of us stoic faced, the other nearly pissing their pants. No mystery to who was who. Eventually she closed her eyes in frustration before letting out that deep disappointed sigh of hers.

"Truth be told I doubt both of your version of events."

Well…that suc-

"However, since you both seem so adamant about your side of the story I shall take your word for it."

Wait what!? You're choosing to believe us even though you don't believe? Why would y-Oh God That Look!

The look in her eyes was the same one my sister would get whenever she had some conniving plan to torture me. Incidentally it's the same look I would see in Ozpin's eyes later down the line. The look of a Troll who just found some new targets to torture.

Oh son of a bi-

"That being said I shall be changing your punishments in light of what you've told me. I was simply going to have Ms. Xiao Young give up her free periods for the next couple weeks, but it appears that will be too light of a punishment."

I swear to this day I heard glass shattering at the truth of what would have been Yang's punishment.

Wha…My mind failed to process just how badly I'd screwed up.

"Mr. Sullivan, not only will I be deducting your pay once again to cover the cost of your bail, but you will also have to do double the regular hours of janitorial duty for the next two weeks. In addition, instead of a lunch break you will be cleaning out the Disposery instead of the regular cleaning crew."

Ah the Disposery, the most disgusting filth pile in the entire school. It is literally just this giant hole in the trash disposal building that is filled with broken weapons, run-down training bots, and whatever other teaching materials that can't exactly be thrown away like usual trash. Before the material can be melted down to avoid scavengers getting dangerous tech,

a crew goes in to see if anything is still functioning or not. Can't let good tech be burned to molten slop, now can they?

The thing is, a trash heap is still a trash heap. The ungodly raw egg soup mixed with decaying corpse smell permeates everything, not to mention the eternal mushy gunk that never quite gets burned away. All in all, not a pleasant place, and I had to take care of it for two whole weeks during time I'd much rather have spent hanging out with a maybe-evil maybe-henchmen Emerald.

For once I kept mouth shut at this declaration, not for any smart or reasonable reason, just that I was too shocked to utter a syllable.

"But do not worry Mr. Sullivan, you won't be alone. For Ms. Xiao Young will be giving up her free time, as well as her chances to go on the Forever Fall trip with her team, to clean. Your supervisor Ms. Zatanna will watch over the both of you and take daily reports on your progress. Starting tomorrow you two will blah blah blah"

And so Goodwitch droned on and on with one of her lectures. Really it just boiled down to, you're doing this, no ifs ands or buts.

Yang and I had dug our own graves for this punishment, and in the depths of that stinking filth hole we would lie in them.

}Line Break{

"Well...that could have gone better." What I said was a total understatement. Like of all the things I've said before can't even compare. Not only did I manage to get myself into a bigger punishment than what I was going to get, but I also managed to change the plot.

Yang got banned from the Forever Fall trip! I mean sure she didn't do much during that whole thing, and really in the grand scheme of things it probably wouldn't have made that big of a difference if she was there or not. Sure she was missing out on some team bonding, but to me, that was sufficient enough to have another mental breakdown. Which would make that the, what, fifth one I had just that day? I kinda lose track since it happens so often…

…

Look when you're being attacked by soulless monsters, OP hormonal teenagers, and the ever-present fear of accidentally causing the whole world to crumble from timeline changing BS you tend to lose your mental faculties.

…

That said, that's still not an admission of being crazy, so put the sleeveless jackets away!

Anyway, moving on!

My mental breakdown consisted of me trying to keep a straight face while dozens of scenarios played out in my head.

Oh God Jaune's gonna die! He's gonna get eaten by a god damn Ursa and Pyrrha's gonna turn evil from heartbreak and work with Cinder! Blake is going to join the White Fang permanently, Weiss is going to drop out and become an evil business tycoon, and Ruby is going to be all alone and heartbroken!

Needless to say, none of my meltdown thoughts made any sense, but again, a butterfly flapping its wings will cause a hurricane that destroys Japan. One little change can be catastrophic! If you're wondering why I'm emphasizing this, it's because I've had to explain this far too often and it really gets repetitive. So we all good? Yeah? No? Ah whatever, moving on!

While I was having a panic attacks, Yang was just standing off to the side deep in thought.

"Why'd you do that?" she asked, interrupting my 87th and a half scenario involving Ruby becoming the head of Salem.

"Huh?" I replied unintelligibly.

"I said, why did you do that?" she repeated. "Why did you try so hard to get me off the hook for something that was clearly my fault?"

Because my paranoia about the Butterfly Effect makes me do really dumb things to keep the plot in line.

"Just returning the favor for saving my life is all," I actually answered so that she wouldn't try to plop me in an insane asylum.

"Really, that's it? You risked your job just to pay me back for saving your life?" she asked doubtfully.

And that sounds weird to you how?

"Yes Yang, that's all. I don't like being in debt to anyone no matter what. Especially life debts, those really tend to be annoying if you don't take care of them quickly."

Of course I was just spewing BS, but it sounded pretty reasonable all things considered. Really when it got down to it, I only attempted to save Yang from what I thought was a harsh punishment for Ruby's sake. The thought of how depressed Ruby would be without Yang being around was something I didn't want to deal with. Trust me, a depressed Ruby is enough for me to contemplate taking on the entire White Fang to make her feel better.

…

…

…

Okay no I do not have an obsession with Ruby! She's just an adorable little cinnamon bun who should never be depressed! Just because she can kick all kinds of ass doesn't mean her feelings aren't vulnerable!

Ahem, moving on from that rant, it looked like Yang was still doubtful, but she couldn't express that though because an unexpected occurrence happened.

"CHRIS!"

"Huh? Wha-Oomph!"

The next thing I knew Emerald showed up out of nowhere and hugged me.

…

…

…

Yeah you read that right and trust me I don't get it either. I mean sure we were friends and cool with each other, but aside from that one time during my first Beacon Lunch (Which DIDN'T Happen I Swear!) We never really hugged it out. Hell, she's the one who pointed out that it was against school regulations.

So imagine my surprise when I got glomped mid breakdown by the same very, very attractive woman who may or may not be evil.

"Ummm…Hi Zatanna. What's up?" I said dazed and confused. Yeah…I don't take too well to sudden surprises from pretty ladies. My dumbass tone seemed to go over Emerald's head though as she let go and looked me over.

"You're okay! I thought for sure something happened to you when I couldn't find you after I was finished with Ms. Falls' errand and that giant explosion went off."

"Okay I blow up one lab table and suddenly all explosions are my fault?" I replied indignantly.

"Well was it?"

"…Yes, but it was an accident I swear!" I ruefully admitted.

"You know how many broken windows I had to sweep up?" she said sternly with hands on her hips.

"Less than five?"

"Not even close. But still, I'm glad you're not hurt…aside from that bump on your head," she said pointing to where Yang cracked my noggin on the fire hydrant.

"It's not the only injury," I said rubbing my hand and thinking of my shin, "But it could have been a lot worse," I admitted.

"I bet. You've got to tell me everything later. I'm on my way to Goodwitch's, does it have to do with what happened?" she asked.

"Unfortunately," I nodded, my shoulders slumping. "She's cooked up a fresh new Hell for me, and you're invited to oversee."

"Again?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "She'll fill you in, but me and blonde here are gonna be on literal shit duty for a few afternoons.

It was then that Emerald took notice of Yang, who seemed just as perplexed as I did over Emerald's physical affection.

"Oh hi, I'm Zatanna. I work with Chris," she waved at Yang. "You must be Yang right? Chris talks a lot about you and your friends.

"He does?" Yang said.

"Z!" I cried out.

"Oh yeah, you guys apparently give him a lot of anxiety, even though he thinks you're all pretty cool," she trolled.

"Oh he does, does he?" Yang said with her own smirk.

"What the hell? Why would you say that?!" I demanded of my lunch buddy.

"What?" she said 'innocently' "You said it yourself, you're already on shit duty, can't go any lower right? Besides, you do still owe me for those busted windows."

"I don't know, I've seen him go pretty low today. Child endangerment, arson, threatening to molest a tied-up woman…"

"YANG!" I screamed while Emerald chuckled.

"Oh wow, I can't wait to hear you explain that one," she said slugging my shoulder. "But yeah, I'll see you around, don't want to keep Glynda waiting."

"But-"

And before I could say anything else, she ran off down the way I'd come from. Needless to say, my mind was a mishmash of confused emotions after that exchange.

"Heh, I like her," Yang said smirking at you. "Didn't know when you said you were missing a lunch date it was with your coworker. You better keep that on the down low though, before Velvet finds out. Luckily I'm not the kind of girl that blabs because I'm so cool right?" she insinuated giving me a 'playful' elbow in the ribs, which still hurt like a bitch.

"Oh God you're insufferable," I groaned and pinched my eyes.

"Oh lighten up Boxman, I'm sure you can make it up to her with those Lien I gave you."

"…I threw those at the old lady at the pawn shop," I admitted sadly. She seemed surprised at first before she started laughing.

Well at least you're off my back wondering why I tried to save your ungrateful hide. Still, the idea of you and Emerald being chummy at my expense seems worse than you being enemies…

In some regards, I do still stick by that sentiment.

}Line Break{

The next day just seemed to prove my running theory of how the universe never wants me to catch a break. You wanna know why? Well the quickest way to the trash disposal building is past the cafeteria. Aside from missing lunch and smelling all those wonderful smells while hungry, I had to deal with all of those staring eyes by myself. Yang and Emerald didn't have to show up till after their own lunch.

Emerald did offer to skip lunch to walk with me, but I was still a bit anxious about her after yesterday's glomp, so I declined.

…

What? I still didn't know what to think about her as a person at that time. We were chummy sure, but don't forget I'd seen her help cause the death of Pyrrha, and Penny in Season Grimdark. This timeline had changes sure, but I couldn't know for certain if she was the same. Hell, I still don't…

But yeah, on that day, which was already going to be a crappy day, guess what line from the show I heard? Go ahead, guess!

…

…

…

"Ow! That hurts! Please stop."

And low and behold when I peeked into the cafeteria I saw Cardouche pulling on Velvet's ears while his idiotic posse laughed.

And well…as much as I wanted to keep the plot stable, especially after my major F-up with Yang, seeing this play out in front of me with none of the other students helping…

"Hey Dick Head! Hands Off My Paparazzi!"

…

…

…

Let's just say some plot elements were about to be broken.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Remember that whole plan I had? You know the one that involved me not messing with the plot or interacting with any of the main characters? The plan that would help me avoid total universal destruction due to the Butterfly Effect, you know that freaking plan!

Whelp, by this point you can consider it beaten to a pulp, burned to a crisp, thrown into acid, and then spit on by the universe…more so than it already was anyway.

Forget the Breach happening earlier than it should, I might as well have invited Salem for a steak dinner over the ruins of Vale at that point with all the plot mess-ups I caused. And you know what? I couldn’t have given a damn at the time.

I’ve said this before, but I hate bullies with a passion, so I’d be damned if I didn’t try and stop some prick from bullying an adorable bunny girl just because I had the Butterfly Effect to worry about.

He was yanking on her ears and it WAS JUST SO FUC-

…

…

…

Okay, got a little heated there, but I’m all good now. The point is I wasn’t about to stand by like a complete idiot while some poor girl was being physically bullied like that, even if she had been an annoying stalker paparazzi leech.

But yeah, like all of my heat of the moment decisions, and trust me there would be plenty more, I could have handled it better.

…

Okay, so here’s what happened.

After my little shout all eyes in the lunchroom snapped towards me, which I’ve told you I don’t do so well with. So while I managed to keep it together on the outside…

Ah too many eyes! What’s with all the looks? Can’t a guy yell at some douche without being the center of attention!? Seriously stop staring damn it!

Yeah, you get the gist. To make matters worse Cardin ignored me! He and his stupid friends just kind of stared at me along with the rest, but he still had her ear in his hand.

And if the stares weren’t bad enough, the entire lunchroom started to freaking gossip of all things!

“Hey, isn’t that the crazy guy who blew up one of the lab tables?”

“Doesn’t he eat out of the trash?”

“I heard he caused that huge warehouse explosion in Vale yesterday!”

“Yeah, and he’s also apparently a hob-”

“I’M NOT A HOBO DAMN IT! I JUST HAVEN’T HAD THE MOST STABLE FINANCIAL SITUATION LATELY!” As per usual, my need to correct people on my non-hobo status caused me to create a bigger scene. Cause of my little outburst all chatter in the cafeteria had gone quiet, and anyone who hadn’t been paying attention before sure as hell was now, and that included RWBY and JNPR.

Blake was not so subtly peeking out from her book and Weiss looked annoyed as hell that I had caused another ruckus, or as she liked to call it, another ‘crazed hobo outburst’ to disrupt her peace of mind. She was completely inaccurate though because my crazed outbursts aren’t because of my hobo status…which I’m not by the way because I’m not homeless or crazy!

…

Anyway, Yang looked like she needed to grab some popcorn to enjoy the show and Ruby had a look that was some weird mixture of awe and giddiness, which kind of confused me.

Is that because I called Cardin out?...Nah, she’s too busy eating those cookies like the adorable munchkin she is, so it must be something else, I thought offhandedly.

As for JNPR, they just kind of looked apprehensive and tired.

They’re probably annoyed that Jaune doesn’t ask for help…or is that plot point even still in effect after winning? Are they mad he’s the one not stepping in?

Contemplation would wait however as I saw just how excited Nora looked, and when I say excited I mean really excited, like she just found a nature preserve full of sloths kind of excited. Either she was excited for more shenanigans, or she thought she’d have another chance to steal my cart. And you’d think I’m joking about that, but man that girl really wanted my cart for some reason. I mean I know the modifications I gave it made it badass for sure, but still it was just a janitor cart at the end of the day. But whatever, Nora being Nora and all that.

Since I had caused the cafeteria to not so subtly shut-up due to my outburst and Cardin was still holding Velvet’s ear, I decided to take advantage of the silence while I had it. That and I had to distract myself from all the stares before I lost my nerve.

So yeah, I took a deep breath before I angrily called out to Cardin again,

“Hey! I’m talking to you jackass, let the adorable bunny girl go!”

Did I forget to mention that when I get pissed off I don’t have any control over what I say? Cause if not, then yeah I have no control over what I say when I get pissed. Thankfully, insulting him again got the turd to finally acknowledge me.

“Well if it isn’t the crazy janitor,” he said smugly letting go of Velvet’s ear. “Here to clean up some of Vomit-boy’s lunch, or are you just here for an afternoon snack from the trash?”

Honestly after being glared down by crazy animal terrorists and Goodwitch just the day before, a glare from some bully didn’t do that much to me, though the memory of his attempted decapitation of me via Juan’s shield was still fresh in my mind enough for me to be cautious.

“Ha ha ha, very funny. Almost as funny as how that haircut makes you look like a bratty redneck who just escaped from an Atlas military camp.” Of course being cautious of a kid that can kill me with just one punch didn’t stop me from running my mouth and making rookie mistakes when confronting a bully.

You’re not supposed to egg them on and escalate the situation, even more so if they can punt you into the stratosphere. De-escalation or misdirection is the key…but I was pissed so…

“What did you say you Damned Bum?” he growled as he got up from Velvet’s bench and glared at me.

“You heard me neck beef, and I’m not a bum ya hear?!”

Now here’s where I made my second mistake, I didn’t go into The Zone like I should have. You’d think that would be the most obvious plan considering my situation, right? Since the Zone, as you’ve no doubt noticed, allows me to think clearly and single mindedly on solutions to problems and give me a much needed confidence boost. Sure I kind of became a little cold, calculated and maniacal as well, but it all balanced out in the end.

…

…

…

Okay, okay enough with the judgment! Yeesh you try to explain how your awesome mental state works and suddenly ‘you’re a danger to the community’. And for the last time, no I am not insane nor am I an escapee from a mental institution! You visit one time and suddenly you’re insane! I swear some people…

…

Ahem, anyway so yeah I didn’t go into the Zone despite it being the best possible idea for my confrontation with Cardin and his goons, as evidenced when I started walking toward them.

“And I wouldn’t be insulting Vom-Er, Jaune either. He’s already kicked your ass once before,” I jabbed causing him to become beet red and Jaune to slouch a little in his seat.

Oh Come On Jaune! Where’d your spine go? Hell, where did all of your spines go? I thought looking at our audience. Letting a fellow classmate get bullied and…Really bunny girl, you’re recording this!?

Sure enough, the minute Cardin had let her go, Velvet had her scroll out and was recording away as usual.

I’m trying to help you here you obsessed little-you know what never mind! If anything I now have video proof of Cardin being a dick.

My thoughts aside I reached Cardin and his glaring stereotypical goons, and Cardin for his part had seemingly willed his anger out of his face which was no longer red.

“Okay you explosive loud mouth, exactly what are you gonna do to me? Blow me up? Yell at me some more for calling you a hobo, which you are? Or are you gonna get your hot babysitter to give me a time out? I wouldn’t mind that last one,” he said with a smirk.

That little shit, saying those things and laughing with his buddies with that smug demeanor pushed me over the edge, but by then I was at that level of pissed where you’re eerily calm, the kind of calm where you feel like a Tiger about to pounce even though you look as cool as a cucumber on the outside.

Alright you little punk, you wanna play hardball? Fine! I reached my hand into my pocket, which caused Cardin to actually start chuckling.

“Oh so you’re gonna draw a weapon on me huh? Is the little janitor gonna fight the big bad Hun-”

“Two weeks detention, you and your team report to Goodwitch immediately,” I interrupted pulling out my scroll as I began searching for a specific window.

There was silence once again in the cafeteria after I said that. Aside from Cardin and his team’s slack jawed expressions, everyone around us looked confused and surprised by this turn of events.

Sheesh, it’s like these guys have never seen someone getting detention before. Maybe that’s a rarity he-

“WHAT!?”

Now you’d think that loud shout of ‘what’ was just from Cardin and his goons, but actually that was almost everyone in the cafeteria who yelled it out. It was so sudden and loud that I actually jumped back slightly from it as my ears ringed in pain.

Holy-What the hell is up with these kids?!

“You can’t give us detention! You’re just a scummy janitor!” one of Cardin’s lackey’s whose name I couldn’t care less about shouted.

This only caused me to smirk smugly, as I turned my Scroll around to the page I’d opened and showed it to Cardin and his idiot posse.

“Actually I can. According to the employee guidelines that you can see here any staff member working at Beacon has the authority to hand out detentions to students they deem are in violation of the schools' rules.”

“Oh yeah, and just what exactly were we doing that you think should give us detention!?” Cardin asked, having the gall to sound outraged and confused.

Gritting my teeth and forcing myself not to slug his stupid chin, I answered.

“Oh I don’t know dumbass, how about physical assault and sexual harassment?”

“What?!” he said dumbfounded. “I Wasn’t-I-It wasn’t like that!”

“Four guys surrounding a girl, physically accosting her while she tells you to stop? You can sell that with less. Hell, she’s Faunus, you don’t know what customs or taboos they have about their animal parts,” I said like a lawyer going in for the kill.

Cardin became extremely annoyed at this, while his buddies became nervous at the implications. In his anger, he pointed at the still recording Velvet, which caused her to ‘eep’ slightly in fear.

“It wasn’t like that! I’ve got no interest in freaking animals!”

“Oh, so it was a hate crime then? Then I guess that means three weeks!” I said gritting my teeth at his blatant racism. I wasn’t the only one, in the corner of my eye I saw Blake lower her book faster than lightning.

“Wh-What?! No, that’s not what I-" Cardin stumbled over his words.

“Listen here you racist waste of space, that animal as you so called her can kick your ass ten times over before you can even pull out that overcompensating weapon you call a mace! So how about you shut up, and take the detention with some dignity?”

And with that, I got too big for my britches and poked him in the chest to emphasize my point, which put me within grabbing range.

“ULP!” I gasped as Cardin grabbed me by my jumpsuit and lifted me off my feet with one hand.

“Alright you asshole, I’ve had enough of you mocking me!”

I lost a little of my composure after this, since being lifted by a roided out teenager who could slap my head off didn’t exactly put me on the high ground I wanted.

“This is assault on faculty! You’ll get four weeks for this if you’re lucky! Jail time if you’re not!” I gasped and grabbed at his hand. My words actually managed to make Cardin fumble slightly and for his grip to loosen, but it wasn't enough as he just glared at me harder.

“So what! I’m a Hunter-in-Training, and you’re just some no good janitor whose a hobo! Like any court will actually follow through with it! Besides when I’m done with you-”

“Read the room dumbass!” I shouted and pointed around him. Cardin, confused at first, did heed my warning and he saw what I saw. Team RWBY and JNPR had surrounded his group like wolves going in for the kill. They all had scowling features, even Weiss had come to defend me. Though the scariest sight both me and Cardin shivered at was Nora.

Pyrrha and Ren looked like they were holding her back from pouncing like Wolverine. Hell, even her teeth were bared. And let me tell you, a normal Nora was bad enough, but a pissed off Nora is pants wetting terror.

I haven’t even talked to you yet kid, why do you want to defend me!? Do you just hate this guy that much?

It was then that Jaune stepped forward.

“Cardin, just let him go, there’s no use in getting into more trouble,” he warned pointing at Nora and then at Velvet who he finally noticed was recording everything. Cardin looked at his situation nervously, then back at me before he huffed in annoyance and dropped me.

“Whatever, a few weeks in detention isn’t that big a deal. But you better watch yourself janitor, cause next time you won’t get so lucky,” he warned as he motioned for his toads to leave the lunch room.

Wow, way to sound like a stereotypical villain Cardin. Then again you’ve acted more like one then the actual villains at this point so who knows? You might actually be the bad guy of this Remnant, hell maybe you’re Cinder’s henchmen!

Letting out a sigh of relief as they exited the room, I opened my eyes and glared at everyone, including RWBY and JNPR which took them all aback.

“I hope you’re all proud of yourselves! You all jump in to help some crazy nutjob, but not your classmate? You’re all supposed to be the future protectors of the world, but yet none of you can grow some balls to help out someone being hurt who doesn’t make a scene!? Honestly, to think that the fate of the future rest in your hands makes me worry about my chances of survival.”

I shamed them all with my disappointment, and many of the backgrounders took it to heart. RWBY and JNPR sure did, even if they looked a bit crestfallen at my berating after helping me not die and all.

I know this sounds harsh, and it really is, but you all have to understand that I’d had thoughts like this long before I ended up in Remnant. This episode, this whole series of episodes, really pissed me off because of how the students acted. Never mind Jaune’s inability to ask for help, you’d think that the future protectors of the world could handle bullying of all things, but they did nothing about it! Seeing it happen again firsthand really got my goat.

Anyway, after I said my piece I sighed and looked to Yang.

“I’ll see you in the Disposery Blondie.” I then grabbed my cart and walked away from the shocked teens. About halfway between the garbage hell and the lunchroom I paused and planted my forehead against a wall.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I MESSED WITH THE PLOT AGAIN! AND I MADE MYSELF A TARGET FOR CARDIN AND HIS GOONS! SON OF A BITCH!

With the adrenaline gone, hindsight hit me like the bitch it is. However before I could fall too deep into my mental panic a voice I was not expecting called out to me.

“Wait! Mr. Sullivan!”

My eyes widened slightly at the sound of a certain bunny girl’s voice from behind me. Turning around I saw Velvet holding her Scroll with a nervous blush on her face.

“Oh, hey paparazzi bunny… Did you need something or…”

My questioning statement seemed to snap Velvet out of it as she said,

“Oh! Ummm…I just wanted to say thank you for helping out with that jerk! So uh…thank you very much!”

I had to hold back a fan attack from the adorableness that Velvet had displayed when thanking me. Seriously people, a cute face and bunny ears is a very deadly combination!

Gah! That’s too adorable you stalking rabbit! I’m supposed to be annoyed at you for constantly putting videos of me on the internet, stop it!

“Don’t mention it,” I coughed to halt my inner fan out. “No seriously, I mean it. I’m gonna get enough attention when you post that video.”

Velvet looked confused for a second before she let out an embarrassed ‘eep’

“Y-you know about the videos I posted!?”

“I haven’t actually seen them, just heard about them from my partner and students talking about it in the halls,” I then gave her a slight glare, “Speaking of those videos, what’s up with that?”

Velvet, instead of answering my question, actually clammed up and started to stutter nervously. Considering I didn’t want anyone to think I purposely made her this nervous, nor that my heart could handle the admittedly adorableness of her stuttering, I said,

“You know what, never mind. I’m sure you have your reasons bunny girl. Anyway I need to get going before Goodwitch finds out I’m late to my assignment and docks my pay…again”

With that said I made my quick leave of the scene before anything else could happen. However I didn’t get too far before Velvet suddenly shouted,

“V-Velvet!”

“Huh?” I asked turning to her.

“My name is Velvet! Velvet Scarlatina,” she said, the whole time recording me.

Huh…weird way to introduce yourself but okay. Least I can stop referring to you as ‘crazy stalker bunny’ to Emerald now.

“Oh! Well you already know my name, but to keep things fair I’ll introduce myself too. The name’s Chris Sullivan, but my friends call me Joker…sometimes at least. See ya around Velvet, and for the love of god please don’t videotape my freak outs anymore.”

With that said I turned back around and made my way to the Disposery with my janitor cart in toe. Little did I know that little interaction between me and Velvet would open a whole new can of worms, specifically with a certain mini-gun wielding fashionista.

…

…

…

What’s with the looks? Ah whatever, moving on…

}Line Break{

I didn’t have any more interruptions on my way to the Disposery that day. Honestly with how things had been going I had expected Cinder to pop out of nowhere and burn my other shoulder or something.

Luckily, for my sanity at least, that did not happen. Instead, I was assaulted with the worst smell in the history of bad smells.

Take a skunk’s gas, mix it with rotten food and sprinkle in some diarrhea and you can get close to just how bad the Disposery smelled like. I’m pretty sure I saw flies actually die when they got too close to the pile of garbage in the center of the room.

Speaking of the room, as I had mentioned before that is was just a giant hole in the trash disposal building filled with broken weapons and training bots and junk right? Well to go into a little more detail it’s a pretty deep hole, with the center of it being relatively free of junk besides a coating of what I hope to god was just slime for the cleaning crews to walk in.

And I know that sounds weird but trust me when I say there is a far worse option than slime in that building and leave it at that.

Anyway, the trash piles were pretty tall since there was so much junk all over the place. The random training bots that I could see kinda gave the Disposery a graveyard sort of feel to it, but you know if a graveyard smelled worse than death.

Of course, just because there was a pseudo-pathway for the usual cleaning crew to walk on didn’t mean it was actually used for that. In actuality, the paths were used for the recollection bins the staff used to reclaim any functioning tech. So usually the crews had to physically touch the garbage piles by walking on them to rummage around and look for anything that still worked.

Not to mention how you had to mess around with the tech too. You know press buttons and activate switches to see if the junk worked or not. Sadly for all it’s worth it sounds like a simple enough job in and of itself, but the smell makes it a living hell for anyone working it.

Case in point, the minute I walked into the room I gaged at the smell and had to plug my nose for a good couple of minutes just to not add vomit to the list of smells the place had.

Oh dear god on holiday what the hell!? I thought I smelled bad before I started taking showers again, but this is a whole new level of stink! No wonder why the show never mentioned this place, the smell might have broken the barriers of dimensions with how bad it is!

You’d think after months of actually smelling like a corpse a guy wouldn’t be as affected by a smelly junk room, but you’d be wrong. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for this kind of smell. Luckily for me my paranoia had prepared me for this because one of the modifications I added to my janitor cart was a nice supply of biohazard suits!

…

…

…

Yeah I don’t know why Ozpin had a stockpile of these things in the Maintenance Room, nor am I willing to find out. Because no doubt the reason behind it will give me a headache and make me want to question just how in the hell he keeps this school running decently.

But yeah, I had stocked my cart with a couple biohazard suits in case of a situation where they were needed. One for myself, and a few spares in case something happened or other janitorial workers were nearby who needed them. You never know when you’d need a hazmat suit when dust is involved after all.

And Emerald thought it was a weird idea to have these, ha! In your face you potential evil henchmen and/or possible maybe friend!

After that thought I got to work putting the biohazard suit on, and after a couple of minutes I grabbed a recollection bin and dropped down into the muck of the Disposery…and I stepped on something that made a disgusting *squish* sound the moment I did.

Don’t look at it. Don’t look at it. Just assume its melted metal that’s cooled off and whatever you do don’t look at it!

After that wonderful experience I had gotten to work on finding any usable tech. I had only found a few working training bot arms (they were still sparking slightly and were twitching) and admittedly made a few tasteless Yang arm jokes when I heard the door open from above me.

The Disposery’s door is meant to be very loud at all times to alert any cleaning crew that someone is entering or leaving the building. A safety feature Ozpin had installed in a year or two before I had shown up. Apparently, there had been some accident that no one, and I mean no one, ever wanted to talk about.

Looking at my watch, I saw that it was still lunch time, so I assumed it was Emerald, and I made my way over to greet her.

“Hey Z! About time you got here, I swear I wouldn’t be able to handle the smell of this shitty place alone. I’ve got an extra suit if you wa-”

I cut myself off when I saw that it wasn’t Emerald who entered, but instead Yang and Ruby.

I of course was confused because while Yang might have come early, Ruby wasn’t even supposed to be down here. Though I pushed my confusion aside in favor of gushing when I saw her.

Ah, who knew holding your nose in disgust could look so cute? Dang it Ruby can you not be precious for one second? Why are you even here!?

…

…

…

I repeat, I do not have an obsession with Ruby. She really is just too adorable for her own good is all!

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

Ms. Goodwitch has been called many things in her time as a teacher.

Intelligent.

Strict.

Intimidating.

Crazy She-Devil.

Obviously that last one was from one of her…less than supportive students. But that didn’t truly bother her, as her job wasn’t to get along with the students.

Her job was to discipline them in the ways of fighting, to insure they had what it takes to fight both the Grimm and those who decided that the laws meant nothing to them.

Over the years of her stay at Beacon she has had many moments of frustration, in no due small part from the Headmaster’s choices on how the school should be run. She can never fully understand some of the choices he has made, but she knows that he understands what he is doing so there must be a reason for some of his decisions.

That doesn’t mean she can’t be frustrated with some of his choices, far from it in fact. They still have daily arguments on why a quarter of the budget should not be spent on coffee of all things!

But usually Goodwitch can tell when one of Ozpin’s choices is understandable or just downright ridiculous. Usually she can manage his outlandish request and move on with her day with only a slight migraine.

But it is as she watches his latest ridiculous choice tell off the students for being inactive on the cafeteria security camera, Ms. Goodwitch finds herself at an impasse.

For once in her life at Beacon, she could not tell if Ozpin’s decision of hiring Chris Sullivan was ridiculous or not. The amount of damage he has caused to the school would usually make her consider it one of Ozpin’s spontaneous choices, but the manner of these damages has her confused.

His advanced knowledge of dust usage, his supposed connection with the White Fang, his records disappearing after a few months, blatantly living on campus in the Maintenance Room, and how apparently he is best friends with a silver eye of all people.

It honestly confuses her to no end, even if she does empathize with some of his behavior. Not everyone can readjust to the civilian life after witnessing the horrors of the world, and despite his mysterious past, it’s clear to her that Sullivan has witnessed hardship.

Perhaps for once she shall clear up this confusion herself. If Ozpin wants to keep a tight lip on why he was so deadest on keeping this homeless man here, then perhaps the man in question can spark some light as to why.

Finding out his reasons behind his usual extreme actions can be just the knowledge she’s looking for.

Perhaps visiting the janitor before his supervisor were to arrive at his latest punishment could help open her eyes to just what Ozpin sees in him…

The doors open however and Team CRDL walks through looking sullen.

…Perhaps giving that much authority to the janitorial staff should also be brought up to Ozpin.

}End Omake{

Chapter Text

As I said before I was beyond confused as to why Yang had brought along Ruby to the Disposery of all places. It was mine and Yang’s punishment for the whole warehouse situation, so why would she bring her little sister along?

Are those fan theories of you being a Sis-Con true? I thought randomly before banishing those thoughts on the off chance she could read my mind and kick my ass again.

Nah, that’s dumb. I never believed that theory anyway. Besides, anime tropes don’t exist in the real world…well aside from getting pulled into another world and all, but that’s different.

Sadly for me, I would come to find out that for every non-anime trope that existed, another was right around the corner…

…

…

…

*Shiver*

Ah sorry, just remembered something…unpleasant and got a bit distracted. So where was I…oh yeah! As I shoved my introspective thoughts aside, another possibility entered my mind.

Wait, did she bring Ruby along because of what I said at the cafeteria?

At this point I had time to go over what I said to the students after my little ‘showdown’ with Cardin and his goons. And while I still stood by what I had said, I did realize that I could have gone about it a whole lot better.

By that I mean I could have scolded them for not helping Velvet in a much more reasonable way that didn’t involve me getting pissed and yelling at a bunch of teens before storming off in a fit. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt they were in the wrong, whether directly or indirectly allowing the bullying to go on, and that they needed some tough love to learn, but maybe I shouldn’t have implied that the world would end because of it.

With this introspection, I feared that Ruby probably took my words a little too hard to heart since she was younger than all the others. It probably didn’t help that her first friend was the one shaming her.

“Uh, hey Ruby, how ya doin?” I asked awkwardly.

“I’m alright…You?” she said apprehensively and my heart sank.

Oh God dang it I really messed up here didn’t I?! Damn your personal rage, you made Ruby question herself...probably!

With that in mind, I decided to do damage control

“Uh, hey, why don’t people like to talk to garbage men?”

Yang and Ruby gave me a confused look so I dropped the punch-line.

“It’s because they mostly talk trash.”

There was a few seconds of silence before Yang started to muffle her laughter with her hand and Ruby let out an adorable ‘boo’ at my joke. Of course I wasn’t finished there as I continued,

“Aw come on Red, don’t trash my joke like that! It puts me down in the dumps.”

Yang’s attempts to muffle her laughter failed as my puns broke her and she laughed like a loon.

“Oh God, there’s two of them,” Ruby groaned and mumbled under her breath.

Okay, so awkward tension has been taken care of! And for once I didn’t need to do something crazy to do so, score! Now to just figure out why Ruby is here in the first place.

“Well now that I’ve got you in a good mood, why are you down here in this smelly trash hole Red?”

And as soon as I had said that the awkward atmosphere returned as Ruby looked nervously between me and the ground while Yang calmed her laughing fit.

What!? Oh come on I just got rid of the awkwardness dang it! What did I sa-

“Oof!”

My thoughts were interrupted suddenly when Ruby tackle-hugged me, which surprised the hell out of me. Don’t get me wrong getting hugged by the adorableness that is Ruby Rose was pretty awesome, but she is quick and super powered, so it did feel a bit painful. If it wasn’t for the fact that I had grounded myself beforehand to avoid falling into the muck, I probably would have been bowled over into that garbage. Still, despite the pain, I did feel giddy and had to force myself to not have a fan attack.

Gah! Must…resist…urge…to hug…back!

I really didn’t want a repeat of Yang’s and mine first meeting, especially since she was right there and still sore at me over what I’d said and done to that White Fang woman we’d taken hostage.

…

Maybe I was a bit paranoid, but I really didn’t want those eyes to go scarlet while looking in my direction, so I thought it was better to be safe than sorry. So instead of giving into my weakness and succumbing to the adorableness, I beat my feelings into the dirt and asked,

“Uh Red, what’s with the sudden hug?”

“I’m sorry for not helping out faster in the cafeteria! And for not helping that bunny Faunus faster, and-”

Ruby proceeded to go onto a long tangent of over-apologizing for what had happened in the cafeteria that was muffled via my hazmat suit. Of course despite her apologizing to make me feel less angry at her, it did the exact opposite and made me mad at myself.

God dang it, its junior high all over again! Haven’t I learned anything from that? I mentally kicked myself as I flashbacked to my own little sister crying. I quickly pushed that memory back to the depths of my mind before I could succumb to sadness and let out a sigh.

“Listen Red, what happened back there wasn’t your fault okay?” I said as I gently pushed Ruby off of me and got down at eye level with her, “I just…overreacted to the situation like I always do. I just really don’t like bullying, so when I saw Cardin picking on Velvet I got a little too heated that’s all.” She looked at me questioningly and responded,

“But you said that if we’re going be protectors of the world we should be able to help our classmate even if they’re not making a scene! And I didn’t-”

“Yeah I did say that, and I stand by what I said,” I cut her off with a shake of my head. “But in the heat of the moment, I forgot that you’re all still kids. You’ll be the saviors of the world one day, kicking all kinds of Grimm ass, but you’re all still learning, and you don’t have to grow up so soon.”

“But the bullying-”

“Is gonna happen no matter what. It’s how teens act, and I can’t exactly force all of you to act more mature then your age allows you to.” I gave Ruby what I hoped was a gentle smile before I continued, “It’s part of growing up, as sucky as that sounds, but that’s how the world works, but right now, you guys can still be kids. Adults like me are supposed to guide you along, but I lost my cool and took it out on everyone so don’t take my earlier berating too badly” Noticing that Ruby still looked confused and sad I gave another smile before I said,

“The best thing you can do Red is be there for your friends when this stuff does happen. My method doesn’t always work, in fact sometimes it makes things worse. So just stand by them, support them, and make sure they know someone is there to help them out. Just that little bit helps fight the bullies, and who knows, maybe Cardin will get it through his thick freaking skull that his actions have consequences.” With that said I stood up and pat her on the shoulder.

“Sorry if you thought I was looking down on you kiddo. Don’t ever let a nutjob like me make you feel like that again, because you are pretty much the strongest person I know.”

I gave a side glance to Yang, figuring she would counter that statement, but she didn’t. She had a strange smile of appreciation and…something else I couldn’t quite read on her face.

Geeze…I feel like I just gave one of those bullying PSA’s. Ugh, it feels so weird considering my solution is always to get revenge. Hah, the things I do to make people happy.

“Okay, that’s enough of the sappy stuff. Grab a hazmat suit Blondie we got work to do-oof!”

Seriously!? Again! What is with all the surprise hugs lately!?

“Okay Red I literally just said enough with the sappy stuff,” I said with a smirk. “Wait don’t tell me, that bunny put a ‘hug me’ sign on my back without me knowing didn’t she!?”

I ignored Ruby’s giggling as I tried to look on my back for the alleged sign, but upon not finding any I look back at Ruby, who had let go of me.

“Nope! I’m just giving a sorry hug for not visiting you sooner after Yang got you into trouble. She sure can be a handful sometimes can’t she?”

“Oh that is the understatement of the century,” I agreed with a chuckle.

“Hey!” Yang shouted in annoyance while Ruby and I giggled.

“Again sorry for her getting you into trouble,” she apologized.

“Are you sure you aren’t the older sister Red, because you are far more mature than Blondie over there.”

“Hey! What’s with the tag-teaming teasing, that’s supposed to be my job!” Yang pouted with her hands on her hips to which we both laughed at.

Phew…situation avoided skillfully! Now, back to messing around with dangerous tech that could possibly blow up in my face!

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…

On second thought why can’t I just keep telling jokes with these two again?

An image of Goodwitch waving my check in front of me while laughing evilly appeared in my mind at that moment, and I instantly remembered why I just couldn’t skip out on my work.

Oh right…

“Well as much fun as this has been, your sister and I have a job to do before Goodwitch can ki-I mean make my punishment worse. So get on back to lunch Ruby, and I’ll see you later,” I said as I ruffled her head and looked to said older sister.

“As for you Blondie, grab a hazmat suit off my cart and get a recollection bin. I’ll be further on in,”

With that said I turned around and jump back into the garbage pit, eventually making my way back over to the recollection bin I had earlier. As I went back to work I heard the Disposery’s door loudly close as well as someone landing beside me.

“So uh, what am I supposed to do Chris?” came a muffled female voice through the hazmat’s filters.

Is that how I sounded to them? Huh, they just got a feel good lecture from Darth Vader, I chuckled at the image. Not turning around, I continued to work as I answered the question.

“I thought Goodwitch told you alrea-nevermind. You have to look around for any usable tech and put it into the recollection bin for some later staff to grab it and fix whatever we find. I swear Blondie you need to listen more to Goodwitch…if more for your health than anything else.”

There was some silence behind me before I heard the voice say,

“Uh Chris? I’m not Yang, it’s me Ruby!”

“Yeah yeah, just get to work will ya,” I said, not really paying attention.

“Roger that Chris!” she said and dashed away, scattering rose petals around my area.

Whoa, déjà vu much? Also, what!? Ruby?!

So yeah, apparently Ruby saw this as an opportunity to ‘hang out’ with me since we never did it too often. I tried to explain it to her how this was supposed to be me and Yang’s punishment for the whole warehouse debacle, but she wasn’t having any of it.

I even tried to explain to her how skipping class and missing important team bonding time just to hang out with some crummy janitor wasn’t a good idea, but then she brought up that she was only sacrificing her lunch time and brought out the puppy dog eyes and I blacked out for a good couple of minutes from the adorableness of it all.

So reluctantly, I allowed Ruby to stay. Yang, I might add, was no help at all in trying to dissuade her little sister. When I asked her for help, all she did was shrug nonchalantly and start working.

I also need to mention that, unlike me and Ruby, Yang refused to wear the mask/helmet part of the hazmat suit because she didn’t want it messing with her hair.

Really? You’d rather have stinky hair than messed up hair? To quote Ron, you really need to sort out your priorities.

Anyway, that’s how I ended up working with both Yang and Ruby to look for unbroken tech in the Disposery. But while I was working I realized something, something that should have occurred to me sooner actually.

Wait a minute…if Ruby is still in here, who the heck closed the door to the Disposery!? Did Emerald come early?

I looked around for my lunch buddy, but could find no signs of her.

Shrugging, I figured either she was probably stuck elsewhere in the slog, or that the door was faulty and went back to work. I found out later though that a certain scary blonde whip enthusiast had been the source.

When Emerald had finally come through, she told me that Goodwitch of all people had been observing us, before she made her leave, which really confused the hell out of me. I don’t know why she was there, or why she didn’t bother to come in and berate me like normal, but for whatever reason she was watching us like a sneaky hawk.

What I would question is why the next time I saw her, she seemed more pleasant than normal and actually smiled when I entered her office for my paycheck that week. I mean it was strained but it was still a smile, and it was so off-putting! For the next couple of weeks it would be the same scenario, and needless to say, I was severely confused and terrified.

Somehow Goodwitch was a lot scarier when she wasn’t taking my paycheck away, if only because I had no idea what was going through her head.

At the time though, I wallowed away in the pit oblivious to my horrifying overseer.

}Line Break{

Nothing really interesting happened at first in that pit. Ruby, Yang, and I each took our own side of the Disposery to help speed up the recollection. As we did me and Yang would make puns back and forth, which would then cause Ruby to groan. We’d also just joke around normally without the puns, for Ruby’s sake at least. Couldn’t have that adorable munchkin dying from overexposure to puns after all!

It was pretty nice, and it reminded me of my first couple days of living on my own with a few of my friends back home. Just a bunch of jokes, puns, and groans of annoyance as we all went around picking up junk to see if we could still use any of it at the local dump. You would not believe the things we found! I swear we found a half dozen usable game systems and actual working games. It was such a blast, and working in the Disposery with Ruby and Yang reminded me a lot about those times…

…

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…

I wonder how those idiots are doing? Probably having a party now that my room is finally vacant. Those jerkwads always wanted to turn it into a gaming center after all…

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…

…

Anyway! It was near the end of the lunch hour for Ruby and Yang when something interesting happened. Well, two something’s to be more precise.

The first thing was when Yang and I went to get new recollection bins after filling up our originals and leaving them at the drop off point. As we walked to get our fresh bins, Yang turned to me and said

“You know, she really does look up to you right?”

I was a little too into my thoughts when she said that, thinking about potential ways to make Arkos happen faster (because sue me, I wanted that ship to sail before Grimdarkness), so Yang’s sudden comment wasn’t entirely heard. That said I made the most intelligent of responses to her comment despite the fact that I wasn’t listening,

“Huh?”

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…

…

Like I said, the most intelligent of responses. Of course Yang didn’t really see it that way as she simply rolled her eyes at me and punched my shoulder playfully (which still hurt).

“Geeze Boxman, I try to say something important and you're off in your own little world again.”

“What can I say, I have a lot on my mind all the time,” I snarked and rubbed my shoulder. “So what’d ya want?” Yang rolled her eyes again before she said,

“I said, you know Ruby really looks up to you right?”

Now that caught me off guard and I couldn’t keep the dumbfounded look off my face, which caused Yang to of course laugh as she is want to do.

“What is with that face Boxman? You look like you were just told where the Grimm come from hahahaha!”

Oh I have a few ideas on that, but if I told you Ozpin would have me locked up in his basement before I could even blink, I thought with an eye twitch.

“Can you blame me? I mean look at me. Why would anyone in their right mind look up to me? Sure I’m her friend, but even I had friends that I wouldn’t be caught dead emulating.”

Yang’s laughter had subsided at my question as she gave me a serious look.

“Honestly Boxman, I have no idea as well, but my little sis is always going on and on about how cool you are, and she practically fan-girled after I told her what you did at that Fang warehouse yesterday.”

“Huh…I honestly don’t know how to respond to that.”

“Yeah, though I’m sure Ice Queen would know how to respond. Ruby’s constantly bugging her about your formulas and teachings and whether they actually work like how you said,” she chuckled. “So at least she’s being smart about it, because otherwise I would be a little worried, especially after what happened to the warehouse.”

And while an image of chibi Ruby bugging a chibi Weiss about dust entered my mind, I continued to evaluate the pedestal Ruby had put me on. Aside from the usual freak outs of how non-canon this all was, I felt both awkward and elated. I mean it was like being told your favorite celebrity came all the way to visit you just to be your best friend or something like that. It was unbelievable, and jarring at the same time.

It looked like Yang wanted to say something else to me as I had my introspection, but before she could that second interesting thing I mentioned happened. What was that thing you ask?

“YANG! CHRIS! CHECK OUT WHAT I FOUND!”

Looking behind us to see what got Ruby so hyped-up, we saw her running (non-semblance obviously) carrying what I believed to be one of the greatest things ever. What was she carrying you ask? Well simply put it was an axe, but it was no ordinary axe.

Ohohoho. It was far, far better than an ordinary axe!

For one it was entirely mechanical like most of the weapons on Remnant were, even if it was the same size and length of your average fire axe. It was mostly silver in color, with the bottom of the hilt and outline of the head being black. But that’s not what stood out the most.

The thing that stood out the most was the large, circle thing that connected the blade of the axe to the handle. It looked like one of those Game of Life spinners, but with a lot more colors and even some spaces cut into two different colors. It was built inside the handle and a glass casing was blocked anyone from touching it. There were a total of fifteen color slots, but the slot the pointer was on was blank.

Yang and I could see the stars in Ruby’s eyes as she reacted like normal over encountering a new weapon, but this time she seemed more intense.

“Whoa sis, where’s the fire? I know the axe looks cool and all but what's with all the excitement?”

“Yang! Can’t you tell from dial!?” she pouted. “I mean Chris should know for sure, right Chris!?”

Both Yang and Ruby looked over to me expectedly, giving me a better view of the axe, and sure enough I realized what got Ruby so hyped.

“Holly hell this is awesome! Ruby where did you find this thing!?” I yelped and grabbed the axe from her, my own hype escaping into the atmosphere.

“It was under a bunch of broken training mechs! I thought it was just another arm but once I saw the dial and the blade I knew it was a weapon!”

Nodding my head at that, I took a few steps back from the two girls and gave the axe a few test swings. I had to use two hands for it since I wasn’t exactly back to my original weight yet, but that didn’t seem to matter since the axe made some pretty clean swipes.

“Oh man Red you hit the jackpot!” I smiled wider, “I’m soooo keeping this thing! I might have to train with it a few times, but I’ll get the hang of it!”

“For sure Chris! I can give you a few pointers if you want! It may not be a scythe, but I’m sure I can help you at least get a good frame of balance!” she agreed, nodding her head up and down rapidly.

From here onward Ruby and I started to go into a borderline ramble on training methods and stuff like that. It wasn’t until Yang, who we had both forgotten was there, shouted that we snapped out of it.

“ENOUGH! What is so special about this freaking axe!?”

Me and Ruby shared an awkward chuckle at that before I decided to show off to Yang what got us all excited.

“Well my dear Blondie, if you must know I shall show you! Just…hold on a second.”

I made my way over to my modified janitor’s cart and after a few seconds came back with what I needed. When they saw what I had Ruby grew excited while Yang grew apprehensive.

“Uh…why do you have fire dust on your cart?” Yang stammered.

“Oh you know, this and that,” I said dismissively.

I had created a small little stockpile of dust in my cart after the lab incident, mostly as insurance to keep students off my back, but also for a little pet project I had going on at the time. You see I was still messing around with dust like the chemist hobbyist I was, and I never knew when inspiration would strike, so I had a ready source available to me.

Now that may sound like a bad idea, and the amount of burned/frozen/electrified parts of the school I had to clean up before Goodwitch noticed could be proof of that, but like I’ve told people time and time again, it’s all in the name of science!

“But anyway, here’s why this axe is so badass!”

Not giving Yang any time to comment I quickly inserted the fire dust crystal into the empty slot of the axe, closed it, and clicked the button underneath it. What happened next was just pure badass incarnate.

First off, the dial thing of the axe started to spin around in circles as a deep, robotic voice said,

[Dust Crystal Inserted. Identifying…Identifying…]

Then suddenly the dial stopped on the red part of the circle pad and the entire circle started to glow red till you couldn’t see the dial anymore as the robotic voice spoke again,

[Flame Dust Identified, Commencing Operations]

And then, oh man, then the entire blade of the axe lit on fire!

Ruby, Yang and I all ‘oohed’ in awe at the sudden display of dust power. Clicking the button again, the flame immediately snuffed out as the robot voice spoke again.

[Ceasing Operations]

I then looked over to Yang and said,

“And that is why this axe is so awesome! It runs on dust crystals and creates a coating of whatever type of dust is being used around the blade. In this case, a fire axe.” Ruby groaned at the pun while Yang and I shared a quick laugh before she asked,

“Okay, this is cool and all but why would someone throw this away? From what I just saw it works pretty well doesn’t it?”

That…is a good point actually. Who in their right mind would want to throw out such a perfectly good weapon!?

Before I could come up with any conspiracy theories as to why, Ruby answered.

“Oh, it’s probably because its morphing function isn’t working. I tried to see what type of second form it had, and all it did was spark like crazy.”

“So you’re telling me someone threw away a badass weapon like this just because they were too lazy to get the morphing function working again!? That’s so stupid!”

“It’s sad but true Chris,” she nodded sadly. “It costs a lot of lein to repair weapons, even more to repair morphing functions with dust focused weaponry. Whoever threw it away probably figured it was a lost cause and just got a new weapon.”

“I may not be as passionate about weapons or dust like you two are, but even I find that to be incredibly dumb,” Yang said with a snort.

I couldn’t help but nod my head at that before I went over to my cart and put the axe away. Specifically where no one could see since I didn’t need passing students in the hall thinking I was an axe murderer on top of my already crazed antics. But as I was putting it away I made a promise to the weapon, and to myself.

I swear I’ll fix your morphing option, and then kick your last owner’s ass for not realizing your awesomeness!

And while it took a while, I did eventually manage to fix the axe’s morphing function. As for kicking its last owner’s ass…well let’s just say things got complicated and leave it at that.

Anyway, nothing of interest really happened after that besides Emerald finally showing up, letting me know about Goodwitch, and tag-teaming with Yang to tease me and Ruby.

I swear I preferred it when those two were out to kill each other like in canon sometimes, especially when they worked together to jape.

Anyway, the next couple of days were pretty much a repeat of what that first day of the punishment was. Yang and I looking for usable tech while Emerald helped along with some teasing and puns.

Sometimes Ruby would come by and help, and she even talked about trying to convince Blake and Weiss to help. Considering how Weiss wasn’t partially interested in helping me and Blake…well Blake was an enigma at the time, but still I was glad they weren’t there to help.

I don’t think I would have been able to handle so many main characters in one room after the couple weeks I had been having.

In my off time, I would practice with my axe to build up strength in my arms by swinging it downward in the air and stopping it midway, before repeating. Let’s just say, I felt the burn alright.

Aside from strength building, it wasn’t until two weeks later, a day before the final day of our punishment and the Forever Fall trip when something…unique happened.

}Line Break{

I woke up that day prepared to face the smell that was the Disposery, and yet on my way there I was knocked out from behind. I woke up some time later with a bag over my head and tied to a chair.

…

…

…

Yeah you heard me, I was kidnapped again for the second time that month! You can understand my frustration about it since, I repeat, this was the second kidnapping that month.

So needless to say when I woke up I let my captors have it.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN!? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!? I SWEAR TO GOD IF I FIND OUT THIS WAS YOU AGAIN YANG I WIL-”

My shouts of understandable rage died in my throat when the bag was lifted off my head to reveal my captor.

“Hi Mister Explosion, nice to meetcha! Sorry about the knocked out and kidnapping thing, but if it’s good enough for Yang, its good enough for me! I’m Nora by the way!”

The crazed read headed girl held out her hand with the biggest smile on her face I had ever seen.

“Wha?” I stammered to which she giggled.

“Oh right, you’re still tied up and all, we’ll shake hands later,” she said pulling her hand back. “But before that, let’s talk business before Pyrrha and Ren figure out what I’ve done and get upset at me.”

“Wha?” My mind still refused to cooperate with the insane scenario.

“You see, Jauny Boy has been in a funk lately, and since its kinda your fault, I want you to fix it! If you don’t I’ll break your legs, okay?” she punctuated with a closed eye smile.

…

…

…

“Wha?”

Yeah, my mind pretty much exploded and stopped working after that. Would you believe me if I said this was the first time that happened?

…

…

…

No? Yeah I wouldn’t believe me either.

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

I want to say a million thoughts passed through my mind when I saw that it was Nora who kidnapped me…but even at the time it seemed obvious since, well, it’s Nora. I’d bet my nonexistent paycheck that she’d kidnap Ren into marrying her if he never bucks up and asks her out…Or maybe he already has, I don’t know, I got transported to Remnant when only half of Season 4 had aired, but he’d better damn it!

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…

What? Everybody knows those two have a thing for each other, and since Arkos literally burned up and died it’s the only meaningful ship to hope for. But yeah, whether it happens, (or has happened) I would never put it past Nora to kidnap anyone. And lo and behold, there I was tied to a chair in some random classroom with her grinning at me like she was the most innocent thing in the world. I would have found her smile adorable if it weren’t for the fact that I knew she could literally break me into a human pretzel if she so wished.

That, and the fact that my brain had pretty much shut down at that point were the only reasons I didn’t start screaming at the top of my lungs. The brain drain wasn’t for the obvious reason either, because of course Nora equals kidnapping. No, my brain crashed because of why she kidnapped me. Of course I’m talking about how it was supposedly my fault that Jaune was in a slump and that I had to be the one to fix him up.

I didn’t even know Jaunedice was still going to come into play because of my Timeline meddling, let alone how it could have been my fault. I’d already changed so much in the story, and yet that was the one thing to still occur? I had been trying, and failing horribly, to avoid the plot for months and suddenly it’s my fault that a canon event happens?! It’s like the universe was trying to course correct things around me, and the implications of that on my kinda-unstable mind caused me to have a brain crash, which was only reasonable.

So as my brain started to reboot, the unhinged teen before me giggled at my dumbfounded/mortified face and said,

“What’s with the look Mister Explosion? You look like I just dropped some huge bomb on you without any warning or something.”

“Mister…Explosion?” I asked as my mind sluggishly came back online.

“Hehehehe, do you like it?” she beamed. “It’s what all the students have started to call you, among other things. I may or may not have been the one to start the whole trend in the first place.”

Wha…? I’m getting nicknames now school-wide? What sort of high school sitcom BS is this? I don’t want to be noticed damn it! I thought in frustration.

“Okay…but why are you calling me that?” I emphasized. “I mean sure I blew up a lab table and maybe an entire warehouse but I doubt that means I need to be called ‘Mister Explosion.’”

“Oh you’d rather we call you Yang’s lame nickname, Boxman?” she giggled and I scowled.

“Anything’s better than that name. I swear, you live in a box once and you never live it down,” I grumbled.

“I thought as much,” she nodded. “And since I’ve never seen you in a box, I’m going with the awesome destruction you produce. Ever since you showed up Cardin and blew up that table, I’ve kept my eye on you because it was so much fun. I mean sure if it wasn’t for Lily we would have all died but it was still awesome!”

Oh great, I’ve turned her into a pyromaniac fangirl…well, more so than usual, I shuddered before I latched onto something else she’d mentioned.

“Wait, you’ve been keeping an eye on me? As in stalking?” I accused.

“Of course not silly,” she laughed. “I mean I tried too, but Ren said that would just give you more stress than you already had and that I shouldn’t do it, and besides Velvet already had that corner marketed.”

Oh thank God for Ren, I sighed in relief. Who knows what kind of chaos Nora would cause without him.

“But that didn’t stop me from keeping tabs when I saw you messing around with dust in the hallways. Have to say my favorite moment was when you covered the entire corridor with electrified ice, man the look on your face was priceless!” she laughed in remembrance while my face went pale.

Shit! I’ve been had! I panicked since my secret (most likely) against policy dust experiments had been found out by the hyperactive gossip machine.

Whelp, I lasted here longer than I thought I would. I wonder if my box is still in that alley? It would be nice to have it when I’m back on the streets with broken kneecaps via Goodwitch.

Nora must have noticed my panicked look as her laughter subsided.

“Aw don’t worry Mister X! Me and Lily promised not to tell anyone, and we haven’t told anyone else about your dust mishaps. Not even Ren.”

Now that surprised me for sure. I mean Nora of all people not telling Ren, her total boyfriend despite her saying otherwise, was completely unexpected. But she had told somebody.

“Wait a second, who the heck is Lily? That’s the second time you’ve mentioned her, and I’ve still got no clue who she is.”

By now the entire conversation of Nora kidnapping me in the first place was sidelined as we got off track. If you couldn’t tell, getting sidetracked happened often, no matter the situation.

Anyway, at my question Nora’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“How could you forget Lily!? Remember, she was that Faunus with the shield semblance that you asked to help keep everyone safe when you blew up that lab table?”

Oh right, the dog Faunus girl. So that’s her name huh? Lily…I guess that counts as a color on some level…And can we please stop mentioning the lab table?!

I was still confused on why she was helping Nora with the whole ‘sorta stalk the janitor’ plan she had going on. After all she seemed pretty shaken up after the whole lab table incident. But those where questions for later, and my brain was finally working at full capacity again and it knew we had to get back on track.

“Wait we’re getting off topic. Why would the two of you not tell Goodwitch or Ozpin about what I was doing? I doubt both of you are pyromaniacs after all.”

“Well its cause you seem like such a nice guy,” she said giving me a big smile. “And the explosions do look awesome, I’m not going to lie, but mostly because you seem like a nice guy to hang around with. So no snitching on our part.”

“Yes, because the axe-crazy hobo looking guy totally looks like a trustworthy adult who you should spend time with,” I deadpanned at her reasoning.

I’d like to say this bit of sass was my attempt to stop interacting with Nora somehow despite being tied to a chair, but in reality I just couldn’t stop myself at poking holes in her logic when it came to my appearance.

I looked like Charles Manson’s long lost mountain man brother despite my best efforts to keep myself nice and hygienic. I was clean sure, but not getting paid meant no money for a Barber, and I wasn’t about to do it myself, or God forbid, let one of the students do it. So yeah, anyone telling me that I looked like a nice guy to hang out with would get only sass in return. Of course, Nora being Nora, she just chuckled at my sass.

“Hey, just because you look like a crazy hobo doesn’t mean you are one. I mean not just any hobo blows up a bunch of terrorists after all right?”

My eyes widened at that, and for good reason too. See a few days after I blew up that White Fang HQ the police finally released an official statement about the whole situation. The only reason they didn’t release a statement sooner was that Ozpin had to straighten out a few ‘details’ about the case with the police first. And by that I mean tell them what they could and could not say.

Say what you want about that manipulative old man, but you can’t deny that he is pretty good at covering things up. Almost disturbingly so, but then again this is the guy who’d been waging a secret war against the mother of all Grimm for who knows how long, so of course he’d pick things up.

Anyway, when the police released the statement they omitted any and all involvement of me, Yang, and even the White Fang had in the incident. The official statement was that it was an accident due to unsafe storage of dust materials. While I was thankful my name wasn’t making headlines, I was at first confused on why the White Fang weren’t mentioned.

The best I could figure was that the Government didn’t want a panic on their hands since a terrorist organization setting off an explosion in the middle of the city right under their noses wouldn’t make the cops look good. This little gambit, if that was the reason, wouldn’t amount to much though when freaking Grimm entered the middle of downtown, but I digress.

The point is, no one was supposed to know the full truth, and the only reason the students thought/expected I was involved was because I was escorted by Goodwitch with Yang that very same day, and because I blew up one lab table one time…lousy deductive kids. But that still didn’t explain how Nora knew about the Fang.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just blew up a warehouse on accident, that’s all,” I stammered, trying to play stupid. Sadly this didn’t work.

“Really? You don’t remember how you blew up a bunch of White Fang because they thought you were some little kid lover?” she insinuated giving me a knowing grin. “Yang kept on bragging about it in-between sparring sessions during Miss. Goodwitch’s class.”

God damn it Yang! I raged as all of my panic turned into annoyance and my eye twitched uncontrollably.

“Okay, so maybe I did blow up some White Fang for their false accusations,” my voice was drowning in a mixture of annoyance and deadpan as I continued, “But that just means I have some anger issues, not that I’m a good guy.”

“Oh please, like that changes anything,” she rolled her eyes ignoring all logic. “I also know you scrub off any racist graffiti in the classrooms, as well as leave some ‘surprises’ in the desk of the jerks who wrote that stuff.”

Okay, some background on that. You see while most of the classrooms in Beacon are like a college auditorium classrooms, there are still a few rooms here and there that are like your average high school room, desks in rows ya know?

Well whenever I had to clean those rooms I noticed how some desks had graffiti on them and some had…less than stellar words drawn on them to which I would always wipe away. Of course the very next day the grafiti would be back in full force, and 9 times out of 10, it was the art by someone who really didn’t care for Faunus.

After a couple more days of this happening I decided to take action…mostly because it was starting to piss me off on how damn persistent these jerks were. I staked the place out, found out who the “artists” were and I placed a little surprise in their desks.

And no, the surprise wasn’t a turd, I’m vindictive, not gross…Or that gross anyway because the surprise was garbage. Rotten garbage right out of the Disposery with an added pinch of wind dust. The minute they opened their desks to find the smell, Whoosh! Instant garbage shirt.

A couple of days of this ‘torture’ and the douches finally stopped making graffiti and left those students alone. Of course that didn’t stop me from re-trapping their desks every couple of days to keep them in line, or on the ones who kept just doodling on their desks instead of paper.

Ah…good times.

Anyway, no one knew it was me except Emerald who was my partner in crime and she would never tell…though I’m pretty sure most students already knew even though there was no evidence, but no one ever confronted me about it until then.

“So, that’s my job to clean up graffiti!” I monotone. “Besides those pranks on those jerks were nothing more than coincidental events that just so happened to align in time to when I cleaned that room.”

Now it was Nora’s turn to give me a deadpanned glare of her own, which genuinely surprised me since I didn’t think she could actually make a deadpanned face. And yes, before any of you ask it was adorable. Not as adorable as Ruby’s of course, but still pretty adorable.

…

…

…

I know what you’re all thinking, and for the last time no I am not obsessed with Ruby! Now moving on…

“Whatever you say, but I know for a fact you’re a good guy because you showed that Cardin jerk whose boss. Course I would have just broken his legs, but hey giving him detention works too!”

At this point I had just decided to admit defeat. It was clear that Nora was dead set on proving to me that I was a good person, and despite all my rebuttals I couldn’t get her to back off.

So after accepting the fact that I couldn’t win this argument I sighed and said,

“Okay fine, I’m a good person or whatever! Now can you please untie me now, my hands are starting to go numb here!”

You see, this was before I got used to being tied up and could be comfortable with it for prolonged periods of time. And I know that getting used to your hands being tied sounds like a bad thing, but believe it or not it actually became quite a useful skill. Of course that didn’t stop me from complaining about it every time my hands were tied up, and it certainly didn’t mean I actually started to like having my hands tied.

Seriously, I didn’t! No matter how many times a certain someone said otherwise it's completely and utterly false! You hear me!?

I’M NOT INTO BONDAGE DAMMIT!

…

…

…

Ahem, moving on…

Nora’s sly smile didn’t falter at my question.

“Nope,” she said simply.

“Nope? What do you mean nope?! I gave in admitted I’m a good person to you. Why wouldn’t you…Wait a second, What the Hell Have We Been Talking About This Whole Time?!” I shouted, finally realizing how off the rails we’d gotten.

“I thought we were just getting to know each other better. But you’re right MXP, you still haven’t agreed to help Jauny out yet so I can’t exactly untie you until you do.”

“Okay fine! I’ll help this Jaune guy out, so hurry up and untie me!” I yelped after a few seconds of blankly staring at her.

Nora gave me a huge ass smile before she started to…well you know, untie me. When the last knot came undone I sat up and began to rub my wrist as I angrily grumbled,

Great, now I have to get involved directly with a canon event that I somehow caused unless I want Nora breaking my legs. Who knows what the Butterfly Effects gonna do, ugh can this day get any worse?

Of course as soon as I thought those words…

“Great! Now I don’t have to use plan B of blackmailing you into helping me out,” Nora said cheerfully.

I’m pretty sure my eye reached a whole new level of annoyed twitching as I dreadfully asked Nora,

“I’m gonna regret this, but what exactly were you gonna blackmail me with? My reputation isn’t exactly the brightest around, and I sure as hell know that nothing can make it worse.”

Nora, of course, just smiled before she said,

“Well if you didn’t agree to help me I would have threatened you with telling the headmaster that you’ve been sleeping in the Maintenance Room ever since you started working here!”

Now you’d expect me by now to have some major freak out over how Nora knew I was living secretly in the school, probably run around in circles trying desperately to come up with a plan to keep her mouth shut. You’d expect all that…but in reality Nora managed to mentally exhaust me to the point that I just didn’t give a damn about her knowing. Also I was pretty sure the old man already knew.

“Dare I ask how you know that Nora?” I asked with a sigh to which she giggled.

“Well Mr Boomshakalaka, let’s just say I know a ninja who gathers information like nobody’s business and leave it at that!”

Despite my best efforts I couldn’t stop my eye from twitching in annoyance at what had to be the worst possible bit of information I had ever heard since I came to Remnant.

Great, just great! The only two ninja’s I ‘know’ are Blake and Ren, and since Ren’s rational on not stalking people, that leaves one person…Blake.

At that realization, I lost any and all hope of ditching the plot, at least involving Blake.

So she’s also keeping tabs on me, and the only reason she’s doing that is because of the Fang hunting my ass. Ugh…better add ‘talking to the cat ninja’ to the list of things I didn’t ever want to do while working here.

And we did talk…eventually. And sadly for me when we did talk it wasn’t under the best of circumstances…nor did we ever actually get around to talking about her spying on me either. Instead the two of us having a chat lead to a whole new can of worms that caused me such a major headache that I actually considered taking medication to subdue it. But that came later, for now let’s get back to Nora shall we?

“Okay, random ninja’s aside, you mind telling me what exactly I’m supposed to help Jaune with?”

“I told you Mister Explosion,” she pouted with puffed out cheeks. “You and me are gonna help Jauny get out of his funk which you helped put him in! Simple and easy right?”

“Alright, let me rephrase that,” I facepalmed. “What I want to know is why he’s in such a funk to begin with and how is it my fault?”

To my question Nora put on, what I dub, her ‘Nora Serious’ face. You ever have a friend who is always joking around and seems to never take things too seriously. But then one day they have this super stern expression out of nowhere when everyone’s having a good time and starts talking about the mysterious of life and the universe and if we’re all just dreaming our lives.

…

…

…

No? Just me then? Weird. Ah well, you all get the point don’t ya?

Anyway, Nora went from her usual bubbly self to suddenly being super serious. So naturally this caught me a bit off guard.

Whoa, now that’s a look I didn’t expect to see on a pre-Volume III Nora! It’s actually a bit…disconcerting to see that face in real life and before that disaster happens.

Oblivious to my thoughts Nora began to explain the whole Jaune situation to me.

“See the thing is Jauny has been feeling all down-in-the-dumps because he thinks he’s useless, which he totally isn’t by the way! He’s one of the best leaders I’ve ever had! Well I mean he’s the only leader I’ve ever had, but he’s still the best you know!?”

I nodded dumbly at Nora’s question, still slightly put off by Nora’s serious face…as well as how she still talked like a bubbly Nora while having said face and tone going on.

“Well anyway, he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be a Hunter because of this, and he is all mopey and hardly tries as hard as he used to during class and training! If he doesn’t get his act together soon Goodwitch might expel him, *gasp* or she might even make him take extra classes to make up for all his lost progress! Which is even worse than being expelled!”

I pretended to nod my head in new-found understanding while I actually thought,

Okay, so basically it’s Jaunedince but with a little more angst. But that doesn’t make sense since me butting heads with Cardin should have increased his confidence, not lowered it. So what’s causing him to feel so down?

Now just so you all know, I had come to terms by now with my plot breaking actions of messing with Cardin by now and how it had affected Jaune. Although, I had always thought maybe it was for the better.

“Okay, I can see why he’s in a funk, but again, how is any of this my fault?”

“Well that’s because you’re the one who gave that whole anti-bullying speech during lunch after he didn’t do anything and how you’re the reason why he even won that time against Cardin in the first place. Which was awesome by the way! The look on Cardin’s face was hilarious!” she giggled in remembrance while all the puzzle pieces finally fit together.

Okay…Jaune was originally depressed because he forged his way in and couldn’t win at all but now because I helped Jaune win once, he thought he wasn’t good enough to hack it on his own, and me yelling at the lunch room made him feel even more inadequate. He probably hasn’t won a sparring match since, and a taste of victory followed by many defeats sucks more than always losing. And it was a janitor, a freaking janitor that insured he won in the first place. Shit, I have made things worse!

Once realization dawned on me I was now one-hundred percent on board with helping Nora. In fact I had already begun to formulate a plan to cheer Jaune up, and also possibly make something else happen, even if only briefly. There was just one thing I needed to know before I put anything into action…

“Okay Nora, I’m all in to help Jaune. Just one question, how the hell do you know all about his insecurities specifically?”

I could understand Nora noticing her leader being depressed and working less during training and classes, Jaune isn’t exactly the greatest person at hiding his emotions you know? And he also isn’t too keen on talking to other’s about his problems if the show is anything to go by, so how did Nora know all this stuff!?

Of course I wasn’t the least bit surprised when, in answer to my question, Nora smiled impishly as she held up a notebook with the title ‘Jaune’s Journal’ on the cover.

I only gave Nora a deadpanned stare at her little reveal, to which she just shrugged her shoulders.

“What? It was lying right in his drawer with a coincidently broken lock on it and my leader was acting sad. What’s a good teammate to do but to open a journal of their leader's personal feelings to find out why he’s so sad in the first place?”

I should be surprised by that line of logic, but it’s just too Noraish that I can’t, I sighed.

“Whatever, it's time to put together my plan that I literally just thought up,” I told her. “If this works then he’ll get his confidence back and maybe the S.S. Arkos can sail a little bit before it burns and sinks and takes every bit of joy with it.”

“Alright! That’s the spirit! Banzai!” Nora cheered throwing pumping her fist in the air.

…

…

…

“Wait, what’s an Arkos?”

}Episode End{

Chapter Text

As Leo stands atop that podium of his, and the villains face off against the heroes, all is silent as the tension ri-

The huge doors open with a mighty bang as Chris runs into the room, fighting for breath as he rests his hands on his knees. He quickly checks something, mouth open as he gasps for oxygen, even as everyone stares at him in complete and utter confusion.

"...Who the hell are you?" It's Qrow who speaks first, prompting Ruby to get out of her stupor.

"This is Chris! He's that hobo-janitor I told you about, remember, the one who caused all of those explosions?"

"I... am not... a- oh forget it." Chris panted before, with a deep breath, he drew himself up to full height, still swaying slightly. "I'm here... to save everyone." A pause. "Who's against Salem." A pause again. "Not including Raven, Vernal or Leo."

"Really?" Questioned Hazel, his impossibly deep voice rumbling across the room, "Does Ozpin have no shame over who he brings into the fight? First children, now... this?"

"I take offence at that," declared Chris, his finger pointing in a determinated pose before dropping from the still lingering fatigue. "Besides, I'm the one who's going to save everyone. Except you guys that is. 'Cause, you know, you're evil." His hand reached for his pocket before he hesitated, as if considering something.

"You know Hazel, there's something I still don't understand," began Chris, who seemed to have the power to prevent people from interrupting his conversations. "All this time you wanted to kill Ozpin because he's a manipulative bastard who let your sister die... but didn't the Grimm kill her?"

"No, it was actually-"

"Eh, that was all I needed to know." And with that, he reached into his pocket, pulled out a detonator, and detonated the floor beneath the villains. Not just as in, the floor falls away, but as in there was a massive explosion that threw them all into the air before the villains who happened to be closer to the gigantic lift to the relic toppled down while the heroes merely suffered minor burns.

"Quick!" yelled Chris, scurrying to his feet before racing back to the doors, throwing them open before rushing outside. "I gathered up all of the White Fang explosives to dump down on them, if we're lucky we can-!"

As one, all of Adam's troops turned to face Chris, guns raised. Without even stopping, Chris pulled another detonator from his other pocket before activating it, causing a hidden compartment in the courtyard to release lightning dust to stun them before gravity and wind combined to blow them away. Chris rushed to a wheelbarrow, grabbing it with both hands before racing back to the hall.

"IS ANYONE GOING TO HELP OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO KEEP STARING AT ME!"

Shaking themselves from their stupor, Ruby was the first to reach him, Qrow a close second due to his huntsmen training. "I'm going to need one of you guys to get that other wheelbarrow by the entrance. The rest of you, watch out for Cinder or Raven shaped like a bird!"

On que, Cinder did her weird flying thing that really doesn't seem to look as good as it should while a bird flew up next to her. The bird was immediately shot down by Ren, only for a raven to fly up after it.

This raven transformed into the real Raven, who looked positively furious before she was engaged by Yang while Jaune transformed his sword into an even BIGGER sword. At this point Chris had reached the massive chasm that had formed due to his plans, and he called Weiss over.

"Okay listen, I'm going to chuck these down, and you’re going to throw a fireball at them, sounds like a plan? Sounds like a plan."

To make a long story short, Hazel, Leo, Emerald and Mercury fell to their deaths/got blown up after falling from a huge height which occurred after they were blown up the first time, Adam was captured because he flew into the middle of Blake's army, the good guys win, and Chris fell unconscious after a rock fell down to the ceiling due to his own bad luck mixing with Qrow's.

}End Omake{