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Kiryu was no stranger to sleepless nights. Sometimes it felt that he had more of them than restful nights, which wasn't ideal when he had nine kids to take care of.
Kiryu made it work, though.
He laid on his back on the futon on the floor of his room, a room that felt so empty he might as well not have been in it. The sound of a clock on the wall ticking away the seconds with gunshot decibels. He wouldn't be surprised if one of the children knocked on his door to see if it could be taken off the wall and frisbee'd into the water.
Kiryu would be the first down there to do it.
But like every night he has this thought, nobody else heard the clock ticking.
Kiryu would like to say that the reason he was kept up at night was a solvable issue. He could take a pill for insomnia, he could drink a warm glass of milk, and have a light snack.
Though his guts would disagree with the last part, Kiryu was incredibly lactose intolerant.
Regardless, it would be so much easier if it was a simple issue of just not being able to get tired enough to sleep.
He was plagued with memories, which made it difficult to sleep.
It was the things he never said, mainly.
Things he never told people.
Sometimes he held hypothetical arguments with people in his mind.
He always lost the arguments, letting the opponent win.
He owed it to them.
Sometimes it was Nishiki. He argued with his brother on top of the Millennium Tower until Nishiki came home.
He would have been a good uncle to these kids…
Haruka would still have her mother in this fantasy.
Maybe she wouldn't have been stuck with him, he thought.
Haruka was the epicenter of his universe these days, along with the other children he'd been tasked to take care of. A far more rewarding gig than being in the Yakuza.
Kiryu wasn't sure he deserved the peace.
He spent most of his day worrying about them in some capacity.
Sometimes the worries were minor. Simple things like if they were having a good day or not. Worried if Riona would like the blouse Kiryu picked out at the market or if Haruka would like the new flavor of ice cream he'd picked out.
Sometimes they were more serious. If a bill needed to be paid because it was due and he was coming up short, he worried about how his odd jobs would make ends meet for them. He always made it work, finding a citizen who was willing to trade a good deed for a gold plate or a punk dropping serious cash after attempting to jump him.
Other times the worries were more of remembering his failures and shortcomings.
Kiryu had once been paralyzed in bed with the worst malaise, just staring up at the ceiling until he heard the kids coming down the block. Only then did he quickly change into a fresh shirt and pants so they didn't know he'd spent all day thinking about all the ways he could ruin these children's lives.
He thought of the ways Kazama fucked him up, and while he tried to be the best version of himself for the kids… Hadn’t Kazama tried his best? And look at how that went. Kiryu was the sole survivor of his childhood.
But what came strongest was the regrets.
His regrets kept him up at night.
A few nights ago he'd spent most of his night tossing and turning, worried about Daigo.
He’d seen the boy, now a man, like a son… Should he have forced him to take the position of Chairman of the Tojo Clan? Sure, it wasn't all Kiryu’s decision, but… There were certainly things he wished he could have done differently.
Sometimes he'd wished he'd just kept the fucking job as Chairman.
How much pain it would have saved was almost enough to make him consider it.
But that would mean he wasn't with the children.
He didn't regret not keeping that job.
Kiryu groaned quietly as he stood up and collected a few things, his cell phone, and his cigarettes, and went outside and down to the beach.
When he got there, Kiryu sat down on one of the flatter rocks on the side of the beach, thinking about all the times he’d told the kids not to do that.
Kiryu took out a cigarette and held it between his lips as he lit it, sighing after taking a drag.
Kiryu was trying to cut down on smoking, but sometimes he just needed a break.
Oftentimes, when Kiryu thought of Daigo’s rise to power, and everything he had regretted about that, Kiryu’s mind drifted to another regret of his.
Kiryu wished he'd never forced Majima to go back to the Tojo Clan.
He had no right to ask. He knew that the entire way up to the top of the Millennium Tower.
Majima seemed happy in his life as a blue-collar worker. Kiryu had seen it firsthand working as his foreman.
But he trusted Majima more than anyone else. The Tojo’s survival ran on him agreeing.
He also knew Majima would do anything Kiryu asked of him.
So Kiryu decided to change Majima’s trajectory, sending him back into the Yakuza.
Kiryu slid off the rock and sat in the sand, his back growing sore.
He sat there, watching the waves carry away the water, the hard, wet sand packed tightly underneath it.
He saw a crab scurry across the waterline, when the wave came back, the crab scurried away with it, never to be seen again by the human eye.
Kiryu was jealous of the crab.
He sighed, putting his cigarette out in the sand and tossing the butt into the pack of cigarettes to be discarded later.
Kiryu laid back in the sand and watched the stars for what felt like hours. He didn't know how much time had passed, feeling the cool salty breeze of the ocean pass over him with every gust of wind.
He thought maybe he could fall asleep here, so he closed his eyes. He shortly knew, however, that it wouldn't work. He sighed, pulling out his phone and checking the time.
12:45
Kiryu decided to read through his messages.
His most recent message was to Nakahara, who'd sent him a photo of the dinner he'd made for himself and Saki. Kiryu had responded with a thumbs up.
After that he'd sent messages to Rikiya and Mikio, they both had separately asked the same question.
After that it was Daigo.
He and Daigo didn't talk as often as they should. He'd promised he'd help more.
The message Daigo had sent was a question about paperwork. Nothing life or death. Kiryu had answered professionally, but he'd wanted to tell Daigo how proud he was of him.
Kiryu thought it was inappropriate for that sort of message, so he kept it for himself, hoping Daigo could read between the lines.
He stared at his next message. Majima had sent him a photo of himself doing something silly.
He couldn't bear to look at Majima right now, so he hit the button to exit the application.
Kiryu accidentally hit the call button. Frozen in panic, Kiryu managed to let it ring twice before hitting the button to hang up the call and snapping the phone shut.
It was late, he thought. He knew Majima was either asleep or doing some loud activity to make it so he wouldn't hear the phone until the next day when he'd hopefully just disregard it.
Almost immediately, however, Kiryu received a callback.
Kiryu sighed, flipping the phone back open and holding it up to his ear.
“Kiryu-chan, is everything okay?” The man sounded worried, which made everything feel worse.
No.
“Oh, I'm sorry Majima-no-niisan. Everything is fine, sorry to worry you.”
Kiryu expected to hear the line go dead, but he didn't.
“No, it's fine. I'm glad to hear from ya.” The man sounded exhausted. “It’s been… What? A few months?”
Kiryu pretended to think of the last time the two spoke. In actuality, they both knew the exact date and time.
“Something like that. What are you doing up?” Kiryu asked, his spirit crashing into the sand along with the back of his head. “You sound tired.”
“And ya sound like you’re frownin’.” The fake Kansai-ben sounded like orchestrations over the phone at this hour. He felt his spine start to relax in the sand.
Kiryu just chuckled, “Intuitive.”
“That's why ya love me,” Majima said playfully, or as playfully as he could sound while yawning mid-sentence.
There was silence on Kiryu’s end.
He did love Majima, just another regret that he'd never told him when he’d had the chance.
“Ya doin’ anything fun that's keepin’ ya up?” Majima asked after the silence got too much for him.
“Oh, uh. No. Can't sleep.” Kiryu coughed a bit, clearing his throat.
“Bummer. I’m workin’. Burnin’ the midnight oil.” Majima sighed, “Let me tell ya, I don't blame ya for abdicatin’ ya throne over the Tojo.” He chuckled, though it sounded weak.
I’m sorry you're paying for my mistakes…
Kiryu sat in silence, hearing the pen Majima was using scrape over paper. “What are you doing?” He finally asked, wanting to break the silence.
“Oh, uh.” Majima seemed hesitant to say, he briefly wondered if Majima was paranoid that someone would be listening on the other end. “I don't wanna bother ya about it,” Majima said bashfully.
“I want to hear about it.”
Kiryu wanted to hear Majima’s voice, it didn't matter what he was saying.
“Ok, uh. One of the fringe families fucked up a drug shipment at the port. Five million yen’s worth of amphetamine is sitting at the bottom of the fuckin’ bay. We tried to pull it out but the container is too heavy. Fuckin’ nightmare. Daigo took the patriarch's finger over it.”
Kiryu winced sympathetically. “I'm sorry he had to do that.”
“I ain't. This shits been a pain in my fuckin’ ass.” Majima yawned, apologizing for it halfway through. “Can't stop yawnin’”
“It's kind of cute,” Kiryu admitted without thinking.
The only noise he could hear was the waves crashing into the shore again for a moment as Kiryu kicked himself for saying that.
It wasn't a surprise that Kiryu would think like that. Majima knew Kiryu liked him.
And Kiryu knew the feelings were reciprocated.
They both had a silent agreement that it was too late for them. Life had taken them in too many different directions, and it was a feeling best kept buried deep.
Just another thing for Kiryu to regret.
“Are you at the beach?” Majima asked, clearing his throat.
“Uh, yeah,” Kiryu admitted softly. The waves crashing in the background were probably audible in the silence.
“Lucky duck, I can’t remember the last time I was at the beach.” Majima chuckled, grunting as he stood up.
“You alright?”
Majima chuckled, “Yeah. I'm all good. Just gave my old, aching bones rest on this old, shit couch I still have in my office.” He exhaled a breath, probably a cigarette.
“How’s Daigo?” Kiryu thought to ask, “He's adjusting well, I take it.”
“Mhm.” Majima took a drag off a cigarette, “All good. Think he's seeing someone. I asked but he's all secretive about it. Good for him.”
“Heh. Good for him indeed.” He made a normal note to call and ask about it.
There was silence again for a bit until it was Kiryu’s turn to yawn.
“Go off to bed, Kiryu-chan.” Majima’s voice sounded smooth, soothing a frayed nerve somewhere in his brain. “Gotta get a great night's sleep to deal with nine kiddos in the AM.”
This was the longest conversation the two of them had in months, he wasn't going to give it up just yet.
Kiryu gave a few, humorless chuckles. “I haven't slept great since ‘93.” His voice was quiet as the waves crashed in the background.
Back in ‘93, Majima had been sent by Shimano to oversee a project that Dojima had sent Kiryu to work on, mostly out of his paranoia. Kiryu didn't remember what the work he had to do was, mostly just to shake down a few businesses that owed Dojima money that was just in the Tojo Clan turf boundary.
Though, it was far enough that Dojima rented a hotel room for Kiryu.
After Shimano demanded that his Captain come along, a room he had to share with Majima.
A room with one, full-sized western bed.
Luckily, the two were friends at this point, so there wasn't much pushback.
Kiryu offered to sleep on the floor, but Majima told him to sleep on the bed.
Majima had said it was just big enough for both of them, so he didn't fight it.
That night, when they both settled down to go to bed, Kiryu slept on his back and Majima settled on his side with plenty of space between them.
Kiryu woke up a little after three am feeling Majima’s forehead rubbing into his arm.
Without thinking, Kiryu lifted his arm and placed it behind the superior officer, who made a grateful noise and closed the distance, pressing his face into Kiryu’s chest.
Kiryu fell back asleep, barely realizing what had happened.
However, when he woke up to Majima’s cheek pressed into his pec and an arm slung tightly over his waist, Kiryu made no effort to shove him off. He instead stayed completely still, savoring the feeling of affection he so rarely got.
Kiryu knew he had feelings for his friend, but this only solidified that. Majima knew that, having realized he pretended to stay asleep to let Majima sleep on top of him longer.
“Kiryu…” His voice sounded far away, strained. “Yeah. Me neither.” He admitted quietly.
Kiryu knew Majima liked him back by the way Majima pretended to be asleep a little longer.
The two of them had discussed their feelings briefly, deciding that the two men in their careers were best as friends.
“If it were upta me, I'd give ya a great night's sleep every night.” Majima almost whispered, Kiryu wondered if he was almost asleep. “Maybe even a dream every now and then.”
Kiryu spoke quickly, almost unable to keep the thought inside. “You should come take a vacation. The beach is warm, and the food is good. The kids would get a kick out of you.”
Majima chuckled, “Now, you and I both know ya don't want me near those kids.”
“I'd love nothing more…” Kiryu shut his eyes, his hand holding the phone faltering a bit as he felt exhaustion start to take hold. “I miss you.”
Majima gave a few breathy chuckles, clearly he was in the same boat.
“I miss ya too, Kiryu-chan. But it's like ya said back then, it ain't in the cards for us.”
Kiryu was quiet for a moment. “Maybe it still can be.” He whispered, wondering if Majima heard it.
Kiryu thought he didn't, hearing quiet snores. He'd fallen asleep on the phone. His own cell phone dropped down onto the sand, falling asleep.
-
“Uncle Kaz, are you alright?” Haruka’s voice woke him up. It was morning, and he'd slept on the beach. He looked down at his phone, the battery dead.
“‘m fine.” Kiryu groaned as he got up and brushed himself off, his body killing him from the hard sleeping surface. He snapped his cell phone shut and went inside with Haruka. When he got inside, he plugged in his phone and prepared the kids their breakfast. He powered the device back on as he saw them off, having half a charge.
He had one new message, checking it as the kids waved goodbye.
I heard what you said last night. Let’s give it a shot.
Kazuma Kiryu had many regrets in his life. This wouldn't be one of them.