Work Text:
“Taesan,”
The said boy blinks, trying to stay conscious in his own mind. He doesn’t know when or how it happened, can’t pinpoint the exact moment he decided to give into the warmth of the summer heat prickling at his skin. He remembers the uncomfortable feeling of his mattress digging into his legs and the taste of cherry popsicle on his tongue, remembers trying to get rid of the stickiness that stayed on his fingers after grasping at the popsicle stick for too long.
He remembers a lot, from what he had for breakfast to cherry-flavored popsicles but somehow, ending up under Myung Jaehyun as he hovers over him with an unreadable expression is the one thing his brain fails to process.
He feels the world spin, click into place when his mind catches up to him. Jaehyun has him trapped under him for whatever reason, and Taesan’s heart feels like it’s about to beat out of his chest. His ears are ringing and there’s a dull ache at the back of his head.
Taesan knows Myung Jaehyun. Has known him for a good part of his life–having lived in the same neighborhood ever since they moved here for his father’s promotion. It’s a typical process, Jaehyun’s parents welcoming them into the neighborhood by showing up on their doorstep and giving them homemade food. He knows Jaehyun.
They’re friends, but aren’t exactly the best of friends despite living near each other for three years. Their personalities are what people call opposites. Jaehyun is loud, brash, and knows what he wants for himself. He’s not a troublemaker but not exactly a saint either. He’s interesting, Taesan concludes. He’s also developed a small crush on the boy, as much as it pains him to mull over.
Jaehyun is also nice, too nice for his own good. He smiles at Taesan when they see each other on the streets, offers him an umbrella if it’s pouring, and tries his best to talk to him. Jaehyun is as nice as he is beautiful.
Taesan’s first meeting with Jaehyun isn’t exactly grand. He commits it to memory, however. Looks back at it with a cruel amount of fondness.
He opens the door at the same time Jaehyun is about to knock, causing him to freeze with an arm awkwardly hovering on the air in a knocking manner. Taesan takes note of wide eyes which vaguely reminds him of a puppy, dark windswept hair resting a little over his eyes and mouth pulled into a lopsided, embarrassed smile.
“Hello,” Jaehyun greets, straightening his back and arm falling back to his side. “Taesan, right? New neighbor?”
Taesan nods slowly. He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t really know what to say. He was about to go outside to buy bread but he can’t exactly leave Jaehyun here. Jaehyun seems to take notice of his inner turmoil and clears his throat, pushing an arm out to present a clear container to him. Taesan blinks, staring at it. He didn’t even notice the other was holding anything.
“Mom said she forgot to give you guys a batch of cookies, so… here.” Jaehyun finishes lamely, unoccupied hand coming up to rest at his nape.
“Oh,” Taesan takes the container from the boy, looking up to meet his eyes. He forces his lips to smile and hopes it doesn’t look like a grimace. “Thank you.”
Jaehyun nods, starting to back off to leave. “Anytime. Don’t hesitate to talk to me, by the way. I’d love to be your friend.” He gives Taesan a grin before taking off to his own house. Taesan watches him go until he can’t see his body anymore and looks down at the container in his hands. He sees a note taped on top of the lid and peers at it carefully to read the near gibberish written on it.
‘i actually baked this myself for you since mom said the new neighbors have a son my age :D enjoy plz don’t throw them out i will be upset -mjh’
Taesan feels his hands tremble but thinks nothing of it, going back inside to store the container into a suitable space and notes to himself that he’ll eat the cookies later in the evening. And if he ends up ripping the note from the lid and putting it on his bedside table, that’s between him and the sudden hammering of his heartbeat he refuses to acknowledge.
“Taesan, look at me.” Jaehyun says, sounding breathless.
Taesan blinks more, eyes finally focusing on the boy above him. His body feels foreign to him, can’t feel anything except for the combined heat of the season and the burning desire simmering from his flesh. Taesan swallows, finding his throat dry despite willing himself to hydrate moments ago. He opens his mouth, not failing to notice the way Jaehyun’s eyes travel to catch the movement. The desire burns hotter and Taesan is nothing but a weak, weak man.
“Jaehyun,” he manages to croak out. The other boy cocks his head to the side, face softening. He moves an arm to tuck Taesan’s hair behind his ear, touch lingering on his jaw. His touch comes off as cold and tacky from the popsicle and Taesan almost shivers.
“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks and Taesan feels a bit pathetic. He feels like he’s running a fever but it’s just because he wants the man in front of him so much it hurts.
It hits him, then. Why they’re suddenly in this position in the first place.
(Jaehyun came over because none of their parents were home and it’s summer. Summer means they see each other often and over three summers since Taesan first moved they’ve gotten closer and he doesn’t know if it’s a good thing.
His crush grew into this weird secret third thing that’s neither a small crush nor obnoxious love–it’s in the barrier between what he allows himself to have and his own selfishness. He wants Jaehyun, in a way he wants to pursue music production. A steady stream of want but not knowing where it goes from there.
They then stay in Taesan’s room, playing video games with his PS4 console he doesn’t use unless Jaehyun asks to play with him, exchanging stories from their experiences and scrolling through their phones while basking in each other’s presence. Jaehyun got restless and claimed that they should eat popsicles– because it’s summer, duh– so Taesan rolled his eyes at him and told him they have popsicles in the freezer. Jaehyun went to retrieve the popsicles, and afterwards they ate in comfortable silence and–
“You’re a messy eater, aren’t you.” Taesan heard him say, turning his head just in time for the other’s hand to come in contact with the corner of his mouth, wiping away a remnant of the popsicle but the touch shocked him so much it caused him to flinch away and hit his head against the headboard, failing to register Jaehyun’s shocked gasp that caused him to hover above him to check on him and– well .)
Maybe Taesan is overthinking this. His head still feels fuzzy from when he bumped his head, thoughts jumbling together without really forming a coherent thought. He can’t think clearly because the moment Jaehyun crawled over him the mirage of his very desires manifested in front of him and formed an image he thinks he’ll never forget even if he wants to.
His mouth feels like cotton and it makes him feel stupid, he was fine moments ago and now he can barely remember his own name.
“Taesan? You didn’t crack your head open, did you?” Jaehyun’s voice floats above him and he barely manages to catch his words. His hand burns from where he keeps it resting on the side of Taesan’s neck. Maybe he’s overthinking everything, maybe this is a divine intervention, he doesn’t know.
Taesan shakes his head, “No,” he croaks out.
He instinctively darts his tongue out to wet his lips because everything is just overwhelming that it feels like he needs to ground himself somehow. Jaehyun’s eyes flick down again to track the movement before meeting his eyes back up. His eyes look considerably intense and his mouth is pressed into a tight line, far from the carefree expression he almost always has.
It makes Taesan relax a little, relieved that Jaehyun is also affected by whatever's circulating them right now.
Distantly, at the back of his mind, a lone thought manifests itself that he can hope. That in some way, Jaehyun wants him too. His selfishness goes to dismiss the thought, thinks that he doesn’t have it in him to be reckless enough to hope.
Jaehyun is nice to everyone, he reasons. The boy has a big heart that he doesn’t hesitate to use, offering his love with open palms to the people he cares about. Taesan isn’t like that with his feelings–prefers to present himself piece by piece and hopes it’s enough.
He also knows Jaehyun doesn’t hold back in his affections, keeping an arm around a friend as he laughs with them carelessly. He has seen him hug his friends, whether it’s for comfort or just because , and he sees the way he molds into them perfectly, as if there’s a Jaehyun-shaped space reserved in their bones for him.
Jaehyun isn’t really like that with Taesan, not exactly. He bumps their shoulders together when he can and presses their knees together when they're sitting side by side. However, it stops at that. Taesan thought Jaehyun did not like him that much, but his smile is too sweet when directed at him for him to mistake his goodness for hatred.
And is it so bad for Taesan to yearn for more? Is it so bad that he wants Jaehyun to also make a space reserved for him in the crevices of his being?
Taesan never thought of himself as a good person, but he wants to be good. He wants to be good enough for Jaehyun to differentiate him from everyone else. He wants his name written in bold in Jaehyun’s heart, so he’ll know exactly where to place himself. This time, maybe, he can pretend. He can pretend to be someone good enough, someone who allows themselves of every good thing in the world without guilt wrapping itself like tendrils around his brain, gnawing at his thoughts until he’s nothing but a materialization of desire.
“Jaehyun,” Taesan calls out, “kiss me.”
A beat passes, then a second, and Taesan thinks he’ll explode if another one passes but thankfully he won’t, because in the next second, right before he thinks of becoming one with nebula, Jaehyun dips down to press his lips against his.
They stay unmoving for a moment, just taking in the feeling of skin against skin. Jaehyun’s lips are slightly chapped and sticky from the delicacy they were eating earlier, and Taesan finds that he doesn’t want to be anywhere else in the world rather than here; under Jaehyun’s presence. His thoughts feel like they’ve been tampered down by a hydraulic press, mushing together and becoming one– he can’t think of anything else other than the boy above him.
Their lips, admittedly, are placed awkwardly and crookedly. Taesan also realizes his arms have just been laying on his sides the whole time, bent a bit uncomfortably to accommodate Jaehyun’s weight. He soon becomes aware of the summer heat and how it’s prickling irritably at his skin, can feel the hotness of the air and how heavy it is. Taesan raises his arms to put his hands on Jaehyun’s shoulders, tapping him lightly to cause him to pull back.
Jaehyun looks at him, eyes blinking owlishly as if confused. “Sorry, did I just mishear you? Was I not meant to do that? I’m sorry, Taesan, you can forget this ever happened–” his rambling is cut off by Taesan placing a hand on his nape and pulling him back down, conscious enough to angle his head a bit to the side to grant them a smoother glide of lips.
Jaehyun lets out a muffled exclaim of surprise but soon recovers, shifting his body so he can hover over Taesan properly. Still keeping their lips locked, Jaehyun’s knee nudges Taesan’s legs apart so he can make space to slot himself in between them.
The action surprises Taesan, causing him to break away from their kiss. “Wha–”
Jaehyun shuts him up this time, the hold he has on his jaw becoming firm as he angles Taesan’s head to kiss him again.
It feels good, now that their bodies are fit together like puzzle pieces. It feels remotely like it’s too good, even, to be able to hold Jaehyun like this, to kiss him like it means something. He can pretend about this too, pretend that the absurdity of desire can be something akin to the growing hope in his chest he refuses to acknowledge even now.
He can act like this is nothing all he wants, but he knows deep down it’s all true. His feelings for Jaehyun are true. Under the blinding sun when he first met Jaehyun, an equally blinding smile on the other’s face, he knew his fate was sealed.
Jaehyun pulls away, laughing when Taesan chases after him. He feels embarrassed, dropping his head down with a frown.
“What?” Taesan asks, willing his mouth to not pout even though he wants to. Is he not a good kisser? Should he run away?
“You’re thinking too much,” Jaehyun says, causing him to frown deeper. The man above him hums, cupping his cheek with a (now) warm hand and sweeping his thumb right under his eye. The action is gentle, like it’s taking everything in him to be careful. Taesan’s eyes flutter close at the sensation, as if he can shield himself from the way a rush of delight runs through his nerves if he can’t see Jaehyun.
“Can you focus on me, hm?” Even Jaehyun’s voice is gentle. His thumb continues its ministrations, as if he’s appreciating Taesan. Maybe he is. Taesan kind of wants to die.
He can only nod, eyes still closed and wills his mind to stop running multiple visions of yearning at once. One day, he’ll have the courage to admit that the only thing occupying his mind at that very moment (and most of his days) is Jaehyun. Once he stops being a coward.
Jaehyun kisses him again and this time, Taesan allows himself to just feel. Jaehyun’s lips are still chapped, but the stickiness is long gone and is replaced with the lingering taste of cherry. The other starts to move his lips after a while, and the want that’s been stored deep in Taesan’s chest threatens to burst. He thinks he sees stars behind his eyelids and briefly wonders if this is what the books mean with fireworks and magic.
Taesan composes himself so he can kiss Jaehyun back, moving his lips tentatively and trying to match the other’s pace. It does both of them good, they find their rhythm and the palpable tension on Taesan’s shoulders lifts up and he can breathe again.
Everything feels right and good and perhaps this can be something he deserves, allowing greed to seep into his guts and make its way into his little heart he has protected for so long.
Taesan’s hands move to cradle Jaehyun’s face, feeling the softness of his cheeks and the satisfied hum coming from him, the sound vibrating into his lips and causing Taesan to smile a little into the kiss. Jaehyun’s other hand travels down to grasp at his waist, pinky finger catching the silver of skin that showed up from where his shirt has ridden up throughout the kiss.
He gasps from the sensation of Jaehyun’s hand pressed against waist which gets swallowed into the kiss. He feels giddy and nervous at the same time it sets his nerves alight. He can feel buzzing from the top of his head all the way to the tips of his toes. He’s aware of every little thing that’s making contact with him and it’s overwhelming in the best way possible.
Really, he can keep kissing Jaehyun but his lungs are starting to tighten and the prickling becomes more prominent, so he uses the hands on Jaehyun’s face to gently push him away.
Jaehyun has the audacity to look like a kicked puppy, lips forming into a pout and Taesan can’t help but laugh at him. He’s so fond of this boy he scares himself sometimes.
“This concept might seem foreign to you, but humans need to breathe.” Taesan says with a grin and Jaehyun scoffs at him, playfully letting out a ‘hmph’ and making a show to look away from him.
“Am I not human to you?”
“No,”
“What am I, then?”
“A dog.”
Jaehyun pinches his waist at his remark and causes Taesan to let out a giggle. With the air now cleared and he’s more comfortable in his own skin, all that’s left is a ticklish sensation. He thinks he likes them just like this, playful and easy, and ignores the continuous nagging at the back of his head that he wants more.
Who is he to want more, anyway? Where does he place in Jaehyun’s life?
Taesan doesn’t have the time to spiral into the manifestations of his yearning because he feels Jaehyun before he sees him–the other has dipped his head back down but instead of kissing him, he presses his lips against the side of his jaw, right above the sensitive patch of skin. Taesan feels the alarms in his mind go off, and the only thing he can do is to rest his hands on Jaehyun’s shoulders and lay as still as possible.
“Taesan,” he hears the other call from where his face is buried in his shoulder. He feels Jaehyun’s lips move against his skin, and the rush of blood that goes straight to his face makes him lightheaded he almost forgets to respond.
“Yes?”
“Can I?” He doesn’t know what Jaehyun’s asking for. It can be anything– Can I run away? Can I cut off any contact with you? Can I consider you a stranger again?
He swallows any fear building up inside him and takes a leap, “Yes.”
He can’t deprive Jaehyun of anything, he realizes. Even if it means what he’s asking for can single-handedly ruin everything. He’ll let him have it, because Taesan just wants Jaehyun to be happy.
Taesan doesn’t know what to make of Jaehyun kissing his jaw again, but he supposes it’s enough. If he can be someone to Jaehyun just for this little, private moment, he’ll let him.
Greed causes Taesan to tilt his head to the side to grant more access to his neck, and the way Jaehyun’s hand on his waist tightens its hold remains a territory he doesn’t know if he can cross.
Jaehyun is both forgiving and unforgiving with the way he presses kisses on Taesan’s neck, lips grazing his most sensitive spot but never giving it more attention and straying further away. It drives Taesan crazy, a desperate whine ripping out from his throat before he has any mind to stop it. He clasps his mouth shut and closes his eyes, not wanting to acknowledge the bud of want that laid itself bare for Jaehyun to see.
Jaehyun continues to pepper kisses on his neck, undeterred. Maybe he thinks it’s ugly for him to ignore it– the physical manifestation of Taesan’s feelings. The thought nearly suffocates him, and greed threatens to turn into regret–
“Taesan,” his name starts to sound like a prayer coming from Jaehyun’s mouth. The said boy wants to deny his presence, wants to be clean from the conscience that he wants the other to only say his name and hopes it doesn’t taste like the bitterness he feels.
“Taesan,” Jaehyun repeats and stops kissing his neck. “What do you want?”
Taesan feels his breath hitch. Directed right at him, the inevitable question he's had to face over the years of picking pieces of his heart up and turning it into a Jaehyun-shaped collage. He wonders if it's easy to just relearn himself to understand himself better.
What does he want?
Everything.
He figures that if he voices it out loud, Jaehyun might run away. Who is he to want everything and more?
Taesan notices that Jaehyun has lifted his head to peer down at him. The older is stroking the bare skin of his waist with his thumb, the touch grounding him. He exhales, the fight leaving his body.
“If I say what I want, will you still be here?” He asks, voice barely above a whisper. He forces himself to keep an eye contact with the other and watches Jaehyun pause, before tipping his head into a firm nod.
“I asked you, didn't I?” Jaehyun gives him a smile. His thumb never once stopped caressing his side, and maybe that was it. That lowered everything in him, because he feels cared for, in his most vulnerable moments, Jaehyun is still here.
“I want you, Jaehyun.” I want everything, and you are everything.
Jaehyun gives him a reassuring smile, bright and satisfied and gorgeous, before kissing him again. Taesan feels like he's being devoured but not the overwhelming kind–he feels everything at once because Jaehyun is apparently passionate in everything, including kissing him. Taesan struggles a bit at matching his pace but it's okay, because Jaehyun starts kissing down his neck again. Everything is white noise at that point, only focusing on the feel of Jaehyun against him.
Jaehyun finally presses his lips against the sweet spot on his neck which punches out a choked noise out of his throat. Taesan closes his eyes and grips at the back of Jaehyun’s head, briefly wondering if this is how it feels to hold the world in his hands.
Taesan feels teeth nipping at the skin right under his ear. The other could gnaw at his very being in that moment and he'll allow him. Jaehyun can tear at his skin and kiss it better and he'll ask for more. He yearns, yearns, yearns.
“You're beautiful, Taesan.”
He barely manages to register Jaehyun’s voice and understand his words, a bit muffled as his mouth is still pressed against his skin. When he realizes what Jaehyun is trying to say, he feels himself flush. He tries to hide, raising an arm to cover his face but a hand stops his attempt.
“Everything about you is beautiful. Your soul, your heart, and you.” Jaehyun continues, mouth stopping at the hollow of his throat, as if embedding his words into Taesan.
Jaehyun raises himself to look at Taesan again, still keeping his hold on his arm, and the younger has never felt so exposed in his life. He feels like his insides has been transparent the whole time, with the way Jaehyun is looking at him like he knows exactly what he longs for. It should scare him, because he hates being known.
Or does he?
Taesan feels like he could cry, Jaehyun’s words chipping away at the doubts he holds far too close and replacing it with sweetness. The dam bursts before he even gets a hold of himself.
“Jaehyun, I like you. I like you, and it hurts because I feel like I'm not supposed to like you. You're everything good and–I'm just me.” His voice trembles, slurring a bit at the end as he struggles to keep his voice even. There's stinging at the back of his eyes tries to ignore it.
Jaehyun’s eyes soften, smiling in the way that makes his cheeks look soft. He looks young like this, looks perfectly content like he's at home.
“You deserve everything, Taesan. Everything you want, you can have it. Because you're also good, because you're you.”
Jaehyun removes his hold from his arm and cups his cheek to wipe away a stray tear that escapes his eye. Taesan doesn't even realize he's crying, too caught up with the space they have reserved for themselves.
“I like you, too. I want everything with you, I dream of you, I long for you.” He ends with a soft kiss on Taesan’s cheek, uncaring of the saltiness that stains his lips from his tears.
Taesan clings to Jaehyun, because he can, and because the world beneath him might shatter if he doesn't hold him at an instant. He wraps both arms around Jaehyun’s shoulders and presses against him, burying his face on the other’s shoulder.
He knows he's trembling, from the overflowing river of emotions or the relief of knowing that he's wanted too, he can't tell. Jaehyun holds him tight, rocking them gently as best as he can in their position. The world could crumble around them and he won’t care, because he's got his own world within his reach. He's allowed to reach–and the grief vanishes with the realization.
He doesn't know how long they stay tangled together, maybe between ten minutes and ten hours. He stops caring then, thinking that he'd stay in Jaehyun’s arms forever if time allows him.
Jaehyun tries to pull back when he supposes Taesan has calmed down, laughing when Taesan still refuses to let go of him. “Taesan, come on, my knees are starting to get numb. I fear I might break them and you'll have to carry me around.”
Taesan stubbornly stays clinging to him, even tightening his arms more. “I won't mind.” He reasons.
Jaehyun chuckles, holding his arms to try and loosen them. “I know, but it's seriously starting to hurt.” His voice rises up into an annoying whine and Taesan grumbles, finally letting his arms drop and rolling over to his side, back facing Jaehyun.
Jaehyun laughs at him again and settles behind him, arms coming to wrap around his middle. Taesan gives in and presses back against the warmth radiating from the other’s body, sleep starting to seep into his bones.
“You know, when we first met during the first summer you moved in, I thought you hated me,” he hears Jaehyun say, and musters enough consciousness to respond back.
“Maybe I did. You were pretty annoying,”
Jaehyun playfully jostles him a little with his arms to be exactly annoying. “You're lying! I bet you thought I was so handsome it made you lose your mind,”
Taesan huffs. Not exactly far from the truth.
“Surely. Can I sleep now?” He exaggerates a yawn which causes Jaehyun to whine again. He hides a fond smile into the pillow and closes his eyes.
He's about to give in to unconsciousness when Jaehyun speaks up again.
“The note. You kept it,”
That causes Taesan to jolt awake, heart hammering in his chest. He never really hid the note, the paper looking faded and worn from where it's just sitting on his table. He completely forgot about it just being there for Jaehyun to see.
He feels his face heat up in embarrassment, curling more into himself. “I'm going to sleep,” he announces loudly and Jaehyun cackles, tightening his hold around him.
“Whatever, you better tell me everything tomorrow.”
Tomorrow, the day after, and the years that will go by. Taesan smiles again, eyes falling shut. His hand comes up to tangle his fingers with Jaehyun's, then holds their joint hands against his chest. He feels Jaehyun kiss his hair in response and the summer air wafts around them in a warm embrace.
The sun continues to set, the world doesn't end, and summer belongs to both of them.