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There’s a lot that Chris doesn’t know – but he’s not completely clueless, he still knows things. Like the fact that he doesn’t know everything. But he knows that the only thing he can do 760 miles from home is think. And he’s got nothing but time to do just that.
Truth be told, Chris wasn’t that furious anymore. No, right now he was just pissed off. Maybe soon he’ll just feel angry, but for now he was pissed off and he couldn’t even tell his abuelos that, at least not like that. They wouldn’t understand, probably wouldn’t listen to him and tell him how to feel.
And that is the funny part right ? He went to Texas to not talk to his dad, to not talk about that woman, about what happened. He just wanted to not talk about that ever again. So he called his grandparents, which in hindsight, was not his finest moment. He probably should have seen abuela wanting to talk about what happened after the mess that happened.
“You know Christopher, if you ever want to talk about what happen-”
“I don’t. I don’t really want to talk about it” Chris cut her off. Abuela was taken aback by the dryness of he’s answer. She took a second to compose herself before continuing.
“Well you know Chris, talking about what your dad did might be good. And if you don’t want to talk to me” she winced “you could always talk to your abuelo. Or maybe you would prefer to talk to a therapist. Whoever it is doesn’t really matter, but I think talking might be good for you”
Actually, he was right to not have seen this coming. It felt weird for abuela to be this direct about this entire thing. It looks like she might really care about how he feels about mom- not mom, the woman that looked like her.
“Because you know, it’s been almost two weeks since you called us and we’ve been worried that what your dad did to you might trouble you” she continued.
Trouble ? Trouble ? Sure, that’s one way to see it. He’s troubled about her, he’s troubled about his dad, he’s troubled about why the hell his dad would do that, his – okay, this is going nowhere.
“Abuela, I really don’t want to talk about it” to you, or abuelo, or anyone here really.
Oh, that’s an idea : maybe talking to someone from home. But like, who ? NOT his dad, and probably not Buck, he’s too close to his dad … And truly, could he really talk to someone from school ? It’s not like Ayden or Layla would understand, and hurghhh this is all just so complicated.
Christopher’s phone buzzed once, so not a call, just a text. But still, an out. “Can I go to my room abuela ?”
“Of course, just remember, dinner’s in 30 minutes” abuela smiled tightly
***
And that was that. Good, now to focus on what really matters. Christopher is pissed off. But really, he’s sad. And he knows that this sadness probably won’t go away soon, he sure hopes it’s not one of those sadness that won’t ever go away.
A buzz. Oh yeah, that message. Reaching out for his phone, Chris was surprised to see it was from Denny. Not that he wasn’t happy or anything, he liked Denny alright. Just, they weren’t really the closest friends. They’d talk from time to time, usually around when all the people their parents worked with would join to get together at the captain’s house.
So Chris read the first message from Denny.
Hey, wanted to check in. You’ll be there this week-end ?
A second message, the second buzz, read Idk if yk, I mean you probably do, but Athena’s house burned so it’s at Chimney and Maddie’s.
And now he just realized, he told most of his friends from school that he was leaving for Texas, saying he was going there for the summer cause he wanted to spend some time with his grandparents (Ayden was not happy that Chris was bailing out on his sleepover last second).
But he didn’t tell Denny, or Harry. And they were going to notice when he wasn’t going to be there this week-end. So maybe he should warn them beforehand, and maybe he could really talked about why he left. They would understand right ? Okay maybe they wouldn’t understand all of that, but at least they knew his dad, and had talked to him at least one. And they could give him insight on what happens this week-end, about how he and Buck are doing.
Yeah, I won’t be there. I’m at my grandparent’s in El Paso. Chris responded.
Really dude ? Thought you didn’t want to go back there huh, Denny remembered. That feels nice to be listened to. Not many people listened to him - scratch that, not many adults listened to him. But his friends did listen to him, and Denny was his friend.
So Chris pressed his finger to the call button.
“Hey Chris” greeted the other end of the line.
“Hi Denny. Is it okay that I called ?”
“Yeah of course, but like, why ? I mean don’t get it wrong, just usually we just text” Denny was right, although this time, if Chris wanted to explain why he wasn’t coming on Saturday, he couldn’t really do it by text. So he said “I didn’t think I could explain by text.”
“Explain what.” now Denny sounded intrigued.
“Hmmm, my dad fucked up. Like really bad.”
***
“Woah, that’s …”
“Yeah, I don’t know what to do” and really, Chris was confused. He wasn’t stupid, but his dad was. His dad was seeing that woman because she looked like mom. But she’s not mom, so that means that dad was stupid, but also definitely sad. “Actually, can I ask you something ?”.
“Sure, shoot” Denny told him.
“Can you text me how my dad is Saturday ?” Chris asked.
“Of course. Man, this is going to be weird without you. You kinda left me alone, Harry won’t be there either.”
The door opened, abuela peaking her head “Chris, it’s time for diner.”
“Okay” Chris said, before turning back to his phone “Hey D, gotta go, talk to you later okay ?”
“Yeah, latter” Denny hang up. Fffff, no more excuses as to why he should avoid abuela. So he stood up
“Do you want some help to wash off ?” That’s so weird. Chris is used to his abuelos always taking initiative, treating him like a kid. But really ? Thinking he couldn’t even wash his hands on his own ? He’s not a baby.
“No abuela, I don’t need help washing my hands, thank you”
They both exited Chris’s bedroom. Or, should he say makeshift bedroom ? Abuelo cleaned out his office and fitted into a bedroom the second day that they arrived, to make sure that Chris didn’t have to go up the stairs every time he wanted to go to his room. That’s nice, he supposes.
Anyway, abuela made chili. It’s not bisabuela’s, but it’ll do.
***
Saturday came by rather quickly. There wasn’t really anything to do at his abuelos, with the entire ‘not being able to bring his computer with him’. And by starring at his phone for hours upon hours, he magically managed to dry up his feed. Feeds. Tik-tok, twitter, insta and even reddit. Besides, abuelo told him that he should go out of the house. Doing what ? Who knows ? - not Chris, he doesn’t really remember what he did when he still lived here.
So while he awaits for any news about how things are going on at the Han household from Denny, he’s on his phone, shocker, but this time he’s not on his socials. He’s on the El Paso Tour Guide website trying to find something, anything, to do in the days to come. Or weeks, he wasn’t sure yet.
What he was sure about was his boredom. No amount of puzzles is going to help him spend his time here. Although, starring at pieces of paperboard is conductive to thinking. And he came here to think, he thinks ? Think about that night while being away from the house (where it happened) and his dad (who made it happen).
Chris knows he’s pretty smart, and that involves a lot of thinking. And thinking involves a good, calm environment, where he won’t be prayed upon by his abuelos worrying about what he’s feeling – he needs out of the house. So, it’s between the El Paso Zoo and the El Paso Museum of Archaeology. And those two options are really cool. So he should ask his abuelo to take him there today, he probably would love it.
The only problem ? Museums and zoos are Chris and Buck’s thing, as in a thing they do almost exclusively together. Dad sometimes come along and he’s had to go a few times with school, but for the past six years, it’s mostly been Chris and Buck. However, right now Buck isn’t here. In fact, he’s probably preparing something to bring to the get together …
Okay, not talking to Buck is hard - that’s why Chris texted him the same night Denny texted him. Just to make sure that Buck was doing okay ; and he was, from what he texted. But then again, Chris thought his dad was doing fine and the still the whole clone thing happened.
Feeling conflicted, he did what he now think he should have done more than two weeks ago, before calling his abuelos. Hey Buck. Is it okay if I go to the zoo today ?
The answer came not even a minute later Hey Chris! How are you doing buddy ? And I think that something you should probably ask your grandparents
Huh. Buck did NOT understand what Chris asked. Abuelo is going to be okay about it. What I mean is are you okay about me going without you ?
The answer took a little longer this time. Of course Chris, I want you to have fun this summer. And, you’ll probably have tons of anecdotes to tell your dad and I when you come back! wait for it..
Not that you have to come back right now or anything. You can take all the time you need. And if you need anything, you can always ask your dad and I for anything, okay ? Whatever it is, we can bring it to you, or send it. there it is.
Chris knows that. He also knows that even though Buck isn’t necessarily happy with Chris being in El Paso, he wouldn’t tell it to Chris directly fearing it would make him come back out of guilt, sooner than he wanted. Buck is definitely going to pretend everything is fine until either Chris ‘opens up’ about the situation or until Chris comes back.
Now he’s not sure anymore which one to do first. Okay, talk to you soon.
Anytime Chris, love you. Chris may love Buck, but he’s not 8 anymore. He won’t send a text just saying “I love you”. That would be embarrassing, so he’s not going to do it.
Love you too Buck
***
It’s 2:23 in the afternoon and Chris is getting into abuelo’s car. Or at least he would like to, but abuela his orbiting him like she’s the moon and he’s Earth. “Abuela, I can put my seatbelt on myself”. again, he’s not a kid anymore.
“O-Okay Chris” ooh, Chris didn’t realize he sounded angry. Crap, he doesn’t want to make his abuelos the enemy, not while he was sleeping under their roof - that would make this trip away risky, or riskier. Well, at least it got her off his back.
“Are you excited about going to the zoo Christopher ?” abuelo asked while abuela got in the passenger seat.
“Yeah. I wonder if it’s going to be different from the one home”. that last word made abuelo make a face and his abuela stiffen (Chris can see everything in the rearview mirror. They don't know that).
***
Here’s a secret he never told anyone. His dad and abuelos are not really discreet, or even subtle. And some time (or a lot of time for his abuelos), they underestimate him - underestimate what he can hear and what he comprehend.
So he knows his abuelos want him to stay here, in El Paso. Forever. And that is a scary thought because that’s not something he wants. At all. He’s already tired of not sleeping in his bed and it’s only been two weeks.
Back on track, he heard his dad and abuelos arguing before leaving for Texas. He also knows what his abuelos said about his mom. And fuck that hurts. Cause he knows his mom wasn’t happy to leave them. He knows his mom loved him, and that her leaving was because his grandmother was sick and because she was scared, not because she didn’t love them.
Now Chris feels conflicted. He loves his abuelos and he loves him mom.
“But you see, I now understand that my abuelos didn’t like my mom. And I don’t know what to do about that”. Maybe talking to a rhino about his problems isn’t going to solve anything, but at least he’s talking to someone.
“So what do you think I should do ? Cause like, what dad did.. it really put everything in perspective. Sometimes even the people that love you can hide things that would hurt you” he let out in the warm, dried air.
“Christopher, I think it’s time to go” called abuelo from the bench. His abuelos weren’t far, but they were still far enough to give him some privacy. Privacy to talk to a rhino. Maybe Chris is losing his mind. That seems to run in the family.
“I’m coming abuelo”
***
It’s 8:37 pm here, so 6:37 pm there. Which means that the get together (that is apparently specifically a barbecue) has officially started. Chris is tired of waiting for news from Denny, so he takes initiative. Is my dad there yet ?
A minute. Two minutes Three minu- Yeah he’s there. For now he seems normal ? That’s okay. That’s good even. He thinks ?
Okay scratch that, he’s definitely NOT normal. He’s just standing there but he looks like he’s far far away.
Weirdly, knowing his dad isn’t doing great feels a little good. It also makes Chris feels a lot sad. Thanks Denny, lmk if anything weird happens. Btw how’s Mara doing ?
Another minute. Yeah, Mara’s doing okay. I mean she’s better since she’s staying with Chimney and Maddie and not in the group home. But it’s been hard, not having her home with us.
That Chris understands. It sucks not being home. Ik it’s not the same, but I get it.
And Chris was not prepared for the question coming from Denny. Do you miss your dad ?
Did he miss dad ? All the time. Okay the first few days he didn’t. Honestly, he was too furious to feel anything else at that point. But when Chris calmed down, he realised that he did in fact still loved his dad. And that he was sad. Then with a couple days of thinking, he found himself more confused about how any of this happened than anything else.
I do he sent, and then Kinda wish I was there
Wish you were here too. I love spending time with Mara but without you and Harry it’s not the same. Heard your dad talking with my mom, are you really spending the entire summer in El Paso ?
He’s talking about Chris. Unsurprising, he does that a lot. Chris wonders what exactly his dad is talking about with his friends now ? Maybe what happened with the woman, maybe about Marisol, may-
Stop everything. How is it that Chris has not really thought of Marisol once in two weeks ? And why does he not really feel bad about it ? Brain, file that under ‘pending further investigation’ (watching tv shows about detective is one of the only thing keeping him from losing it this week).
Well gtg, I’ll tell you what happened tonight later read Chris. He started typing, then remembered he didn’t answer the first question, erased everything and started again.
No I’m definitely not staying that long. Thanks again Denny.
***
His abuelos rarely raised their voice on him he noticed one morning. As if yelling at him would somehow shatter him. That doesn’t mean that Chris never heard his abuelos scream.
The thing is, his memory about the time he spent in El Paso is .. fuzzy. Chris doesn’t remember much, at least not in details. Although de does remember the day his dad asked him if he wanted to come with him. It was also the day he heard his abuelos say some pretty nasty thing to his dad.
So he’s now sitting on the patio, outside his grandparents’ house, thinking. Chris knows that people don’t act the same way with everyone, and that you have to adapt yourself to who you’re talking to. He also understands that his abuelos were his dad’s parents before being his grandparents. Which means that the way their relationship works is different to the way his own relationship with his abuelos works.
So his abuelos don’t treat him his dad the way they treat him. Probably, they don’t love his dad the same way they love him.
Lately, he’s also put in practice the fantastic thing that is feeling conflicting emotions at the same time : on one hand, he’s mad at his dad a little bit and on the other hand, he also loves him a ton. The more time passes, the more Chris started noticing the hate fading away, making space for anger and hurt, and sadness.
And right now none of it is getting better by just sitting here. He has to do something. And maybe understanding why any of it happened might help him feel less hurt and sad (he reserves his right to stay angry until he talks to dad face to face).
That’s how the best idea he’s had in a long time came to him : what his dad did was unexpected to him. Plus, his dad rarely talked about what growing up here was like. So Chris will try to understand his dad better. And while he can’t talk to him right now, he’s also currently living in the house his dad grew up in.
***
Hurghhh, why do people keep their old stuff in attics ? It doesn’t make his quest any easier, or quieter. And yet, here he is, in his abuelo’s attic, staring at a box of his dad’s old things. More precisely, staring at a very poorly hidden diary (come on dad, hiding a book in another book ?).
The most import part of that : a diary. His dad had a diary ? His dad ? Now that was so unexpected it left Chris spaced out for a solid three minutes.
When he came back to earth, the only logical thought he could manage popped up in his brain : should he read it ?
He shouldn’t, right ? His dad respected his privacy, so he should too. But also, his dad and Buck told him that seeing multiple girls at the same time was bad, and look where Chris is now ? Not home cause dad cheated on Marisol with a woman named Kim (he learned her name overhearing his abuelos), that looked like mom.
Therefor, Chris decided to open the diary. ‘First day of high school’ read the first page. His dad held a diary in high school ? This whole thing is getting better by the second.
“Chris ?” screamed a voice from somewhere inside the house. Crap, he can’t be found here. Putting back everything he took from the box back inside of it, he decided to keep the diary – he simply had to go through it, maybe get some answers ?
He made his way out of the attic as discreetly and fast as possible, somehow succeeding in not being caught by his bisabuela, who turned out to be the voice calling him. And who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
“Bisabuela!” he greeted, hiding the diary behind his back as fast as possible.
“What are you doing up there Christopher ?” bisabuela asked. Shit. Hmm, what was he doing up there ? Let’s go for that one “I-I was looking for abuelo. Have you seen him ?”
“Mijo, your abuelo is outside.” she paused, looking right at him, right through him. “Do you want to help me prepare lunch ?” any other day he would love to, but he had more pressing matters now.
“Sorry bisabuela, I’ve got something to do” Chris said descending the stairs, before making a beeline for his room, locking it the moment he entered it.
***
Time flies by the moment he sat on his bed. Reading through the diary, Chris found himself learning a lot about his dad. Not that his dad never told him anything about himself, but he was still pretty secretive about some things.
Chris didn’t know his dad met his mom when he was 14, that they were best friends long before they were together. He didn’t know his dad didn’t have many friends, only his mom and David (nowadays, his dad seemed to have a lot of friends : Buck, the 118, poker apparently - proof people can change).
Chris also didn’t know his dad could be so … poetic ? Embarrassingly so. That is one thing he didn’t need to know. Hid dad, Eddie Diaz, was a total helpless romantic. The way he wrote about his best friend was like how Layla talked about Emy.
Layla swears she’s not in love with Emy, saying that they’re just “good friends”. Chris has functioning eyes, contrary to what Layla believes. Besides, Ayden agrees with Chris, Layla has such a massive crush on Emy it’s unbelievable that she can’t see it.
Not seeing that you have a crush on one of your best friend seems to be a trait Layla share with his 14 year old dad. The way he wrote about ‘David’ was the same way Layla talked about Emy.
***
Bisabuela’s tamales are really good. The conversation between abuela and bisabuela ? Not so much - just like every other talks ever since he left LA. Right about now, they were trying to talk in code about him staying in Texas.
Trying to talk in code, cause they were absolutely failing. Abuela wants Chris to stay here permanently, bisabuela loves having him here, but thinks he should go back to LA before class starts.
Or so he thinks that’s the extent of what they’ve been throwing at each other for the last half hour, added to the loaded glances.
Thankfully, they’ve finished eating, abuelo’s doing the dishes and Chris will be able to leave the table soon. He can’t wait for that to happen – he’s only been able to read through forty-ish pages of his dad’s diary (out of ninety), and he still discovered things about both his parents.
Turns out his dad likes to read fiction, or at least used to like reading fiction, and his mom apparently was the fastest runner in her class. They used to meet, the three of them with David, after school in the park near his house.
Also, apparently mom had a massive crush on dad, even though he didn’t seem to notice at first. But at the same time, he didn’t seem aware of his own crush on David. The man was clueless. Probably still is.
From all the information there is in his dad’s diary, His crush on David is the one thing he’s not sure how to feel about. He’s 95% this was an actual crush and not just him reading to much into his dad’s writing. Who writes ‘I don’t think I could spend a day without him’ and think their just friends ? Dad, he guesses.
The different entries in the diary he already read spanned through more than a year, and every single one of them mentioned David. Chris is now waiting for the moment in the diary where his parents actually get together (if only to know what happened with David).
While bisabuela and abuela are having this awesome chat, Chris as nothing but time to think about what David means for his dad. A crush doesn’t have to mean anything, Buck ‘taught’ him that. Sometimes we can be ‘attracted’ to someone without it being a big deal, or it having to mean anything.
Although ‘attracted’ sounds kinda weak for the way his dad wrote about David. That’s like, major crush talk kind of embarrassing.
So his dad maybe like boys. Which, is cool, Ayden also likes guys and Buck likes guys, girls and non-binary people. So yeah, guys can like guys, dad can like guys. Chris knows that. He just doesn’t know yet what that means for his mom and dad.
***
“Bisabuela, can I talk to you ?” Chris figured out that sitting by himself with his thought didn’t bring him any closer to figure out how he feels about this situation. So he decided to wait on the patio until someone, preferably bisabuela, found him. And she did, so clearly Chris is a genius.
“Of course mijo, anything” bisabuela was the only one in El Paso who didn’t ask him to talk about what happened with dad, not once since he arrived. That made Chris think he could talk to her, because she didn’t seem to have expectations on the situation and was apparently waiting on Chris being ready to talk.
“What was dad like when he was my age?” Chris started to have a pretty good picture of his dad’s character when he was young, with mom and David. However, dad didn’t write much about his family and how he was with them.
“Your dad was… he always loved his family, and did everything he could to take care of everyone” bisabuela started. “He was a sweet kid always trying to do his best.” bisabuela stared right in front of her, to the horizon line, as if lost in memories.
“Was he close to abuela and abuelo ?” his dad isn’t really close to his abuelos anymore, part of the reason why Chris called them after the whole Kim fiasco.
Bisabuela took a second before answering, like she was trying to find the right words. “Well, you know, your abuelo was away a lot, for work. But your abuela was always there.”
“Did dad ever do something wrong ? Cause abuela and abuelo seem to always be mad at him” Chris already knows the main problem between them, he just needs to know if bisabuela is going to be honest with him.
“Your dad was a kid, he made mistakes, like everyone else. But your abuelos are not mad at your dad because of that.” huh. She’s not denying they’re mad at dad.
“Do they love him ?” Bisabuela turned her head so fast, Chris thought it was going to detached itself from her body.
“Oh Christopher” she looked him in the eye, a soft expression on her face “your abuelos love your dad, and they love you” for a moment, no one moved, no one talked. Abuela broke the silence again “Why do you ask ?”
Under her gaze, Chris found himself unable to lie “They yell at him every time they talk. Before we left Texas, when I was a kid, I heard them talk. I don’t remember what they said but they sounded really mad. And when they came to get me, they looked at dad like he kicked a puppy”
“You know Chris, you can be angry at someone and still love them.” that got a snort out him.
“Believe me, I know.” now, onto how to broach the subject of what he found in the diary. “Did dad always love mom ?”
“Mijo, that’s a question that you should ask your father”. Chris couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Bisabuela, on her end, looked unimpressed. “Christopher, that is not my place to say. I am not telling you to talk to your dad, but if you have questions about your mom, you should ask him next time you do talk to him”.
The wind blowing on their face is still warm despite the late hour. With an easy silence put in place and the sun almost completely set, the moment shared on the patio seems to extend into hours. Eventually, Chris confessed.
“I found dad’s diary” why is bisabuela not saying anything ? “You’re not mad ?”
“And what did you do with the diary ?” he learned some time ago, from Buck, a very weird expression that fits the situation really well. So, in for a penny…
“I read it. Some of it”. at least she still doesn’t look mad. Maybe Chris won’t come out of this talk grounded for the rest of his stay.
“And how much is ‘some of it’ ?” now she just sound amused. That’s confusing.
“Forty pages” winced Chris “I know I shouldn’t have, and-and that’s bad. But I just wanted to know more and … I’m not ready to talk to dad. Not yet”.
“I am not going to lie, you should not have done that. And you should apologise to your dad next time you two talk.” bisabuela’s smile softened “But I understand wanting to learn more about your dad”.
“Can I ask you about something I read ?” Chris knows he’s pushing it, but he has to talk to someone about his dad and the whole crush on your boy best friend.
“Your dad wouldn’t like to have his secrets told” that seemed final. But he actually need to talk about it otherwise he’s going to give himself a headache.
“Okay … I have a question that isn’t related” a little lie never hurt anyone. Scratch, it did hurt plenty of people. Anyway “do you think dad ever loved anyone else ?”
“That question seems related” she laughed “But I can tell you that your dad loves a lot of people. For example, you. But I know you’re not talking about this kind of love. The only answer I can bring you is that maybe he did. But only him knows” from what Chris read, it seemed that not even dad knew he loved someone else.
That’s it, a choice : talking about David and risking outing his dad or not saying anything, but having gained little here. After ruminating about, Chris think he’s a good person : he’s serious in school, has good grades, he’s well mannered and is nice to people. So what is a little bad thing going to change ? Probably nothing.
“What if dad loved another boy ?” Chris is looking straight at the ground, not being able to look bisabuela in the eye while asking the question.
“Then he loved another boy” bisabuela lifted Christopher’s chin, locking their eyes “and that’s okay.” then, letting go and shaking her head, she adds “And not our business. Not if you dad doesn’t talk to us about it”.
Okay. Bisabuela’s wrong. That his absolutely his business. His dad’s love life became his business the day it exploded in his face. But he’ll have to follow that with someone else. Someone who won’t look at him with eyes that’ll push him to reveal all his deep, dark secrets.
“You’re right, thank you bisabuela. For everything.”
“De nada mijo. I love you”.
***
Dude, you won’t believe what I just heard is how Chris was greeted by Denny on Sunday 30th June at 4:16 pm. And then nothing.
What’s up ? Is it about my dad ? Chris answered.
Not directly. Quick question, did you know Buck broke up with his bf ?
Chris did, in fact, know that. It came up during a facetime with Buck that happened two days ago. He also knew that Buck hadn’t told anyone but Chris and his dad. Therefor, it’s a little weird that Denny’s aware of that. Yeah but why do you ?
Buck is here, talking to mom. I think the only reason they’re not drinking is because I’m here.
Isn’t it 2 pm in LA ? this is weird, it didn’t seem to be a I need a drink type of break-up during the call.
Yep. And I heard something drink worthy. the suspense is killing him. They were talking about the break-up. Apparently the main reason they broke up was because he ‘was in love with someone else’
Buck didn’t tell him that. Why wouldn’t he tell him that ? Okay, who is it ?
Promise you won’t freak out. there’s no reason why Chris would freak out, unless it was someone he knows. And even then, it couldn’t be bad, could it ? Wait…
I won’t freak out, promise. he was definitely on the verge of freaking out. He has to know if it’s his..
Okay, well Buck told my mom that he’s in love with your dad
And fuck. Are you sure he said that ?
Yeah man, I’m sure. He said word for word ‘I’m in love with Eddie and I don’t know what to do about it’.
Okay wow. Going straight to love (pun not intended). This is not loving someone as a friend, this is not a crush or being ‘attracted’. This is being in love, romantically. Buck is so screwed and Chris’s mind is stuck, not sure what to answer with. So he lets the first thoughts that came into his mind transcribe in message.
Well good luck to him, my dad is a mess when it comes to love. And isn’t that a heavy truth. One Chris still feels the consequence of to this day.
About that. It doesn’t look like Buck will be doing anything about this. He basically told my mom that he wasn’t going to act differently, like at all.
To be fair, Chris can clearly picture how Buck acts ‘normally’ with Chris and his dad. And that picture doesn’t scream platonic friendship. Chris used to think it was just because Buck loves big and need to expresses it a lot. Now he knows that’s because it probably wasn’t platonic, and hadn’t been for a long time.
If my dad loved Buck, do you think I should try and make them talk about their feelings ? Chris would love having Buck home all the time, not that he’ll ever admit to it. He also was concerned because ever since his mom, every girlfriend that dad had dated ended up leaving.
Weird question. Does your dad even like guys ? And now the dilemma appears again :to tell or not to tell. What are the chances that Denny would ever let that slip ? Basically 0%.
Okay promise you won’t say anything to anyone.
Chris ends up explaining in what looked like a novel the entire story of him discovering his dad’s old diary, how he met his mom and David during their first day of high school, how he ended up developing a massive crush on David and how his parents got together – he learned that reading yesterday, his mom having asked out his dad.
That’s a lot is all Denny responds to the message.
Yeah, ik. I’ve been going crazy thinking about it. I tried talking with my bisabuela but she didn’t want me spilling my dad’s old secrets.
There a pause, lasting no longer than a minute. That’s enough time for Chris’s mind to start overheating. Feeling the vibration spreading throughout the table, Chris looked at his phone, at the meme that Denny just sent him.
It reads ‘sometime a man hurts every woman who enters his life bc his true soulmate is a man’ and Chris can’t stop laughing. A very big, open and loud laugh – something he hadn’t experienced once since leaving LA.
My dad married my mom Chris sent back. Dad and mom both told him they loved each other. All things considered, even with the David of it all, the diary did show how close mom and dad were.
Wild theory, but maybe your dad loved them both and that’s very much possible. It’s even likely. And a little bit heartbreaking considering Chris had never heard of a friend of dad’s named David.
My dad stopped hanging out with David when mom got pregnant. Idk why though, there’s nothing in the diary about it. Dad just stopped writing about him
And it doesn’t check out. Ever since the moment mom and dad got together in the diary, David’s descriptions got less flowery. But dad still wrote about him and from what Chris read, they were still very close friends. Although, to be fair, the diary’s entries got more and more spaced out, to the point where it ends with dad writing about ‘making it right’ by mom – four years after dad started writing in the diary.
Maybe they just stopped hanging out Denny answered. But could they just stop hanging out like that ? They were really close friends, that didn’t make sense. It’d be like dad and Buck just stopped talking.
. . .
I think my dad likes Buck back ? that would be mind-blowing. But it could explain why dad seemed to be sad with Ana in the end. And why it felt weird when they hang out with Marisol the three of them. And also why dad would not want to be with either one of them, cause he really fumbled.
Idk ? Tbf they’re always together, like stuck to each other. And you know how everyone gather once a week now. Well yesterday your dad was kinda weird
At first he seemed to avoid Buck, and then he just followed him like a shadow no no no no
You think they’re together ??? Chris is now aware that Buck loves his dad. If there’s a chance dad likes guys, he would be dumb not to love Buck. But if his dad tried anything with Buck without even talking to him first, Chris is going to - he doesn’t know yet, but his dad wouldn’t like it.
Didn’t look like it, but they could be hiding it ? they could be hiding it. From everyone. From Chris. The last time his dad hid something from Chris, he left to El Paso furious. Honestly, Chris is tired of his dad not talking to him about important things. That is not going to happen again. If dad won’t tell him, Chris will make him confess.
It’ll take a week for Chris to bring up the idea of going back to LA to his abuelos without them completely freaking out. Chris doesn’t have time to care about his abuelos freaking out.
I think I’m coming back soon. Like this week soon
***
So the scene goes a little like this : ‘I want to go home’, abuelo drops a glass in the sink and it shatters. Then came in the concern, the ‘are you sure it’s a good idea’, the ‘don’t you want to stay longer’ and finally, the guilt tripping : ‘we don’t see you much any more’.
Abuela wasn’t better, she went right for the kill with the ‘are you sure you are ready to see your dad’ approach. No, Chris wasn’t sure about seeing his dad, but if anything life altering happens to their family without him there to make sure it doesn’t go to shit, he’s going to loose it.
For the past four hours, Chris has been listening to every argument in the guilt-ridden book about why he definitely shouldn’t go back to LA - the forever part of that only ever implied. By the end of the night, with a little bit of ‘dad said I could call him at any time’, his abuelos seemed to stop trying to plead their case.
The one thing left to do : tell dad to come get him.
***
How to write to your dad, that you haven’t talked or seen in almost a month, that you want him to fly across the country to get you home ? All of that without actually talking to him until you’ve had the chance to sleep in your own bed ?
Apparently, it’s a simple as : Hello dad, can you bring me home Wednesday ? I don’t want to talk until we’re home
The answer was almost immediate, which was concerning. Dad usually answer quickly, but not that fast. Did he spend a month glued to his phone waiting for that specific text ? Not surprising.
Of course Christopher, I will be there whenever you want me to.
In the morning please, I’d like to have lunch at home. an hour and a half flight, which means three hours back and forth, plus arriving at least one hour before flight departure before both flights, … So to arrive at 12:30 at home, counting the commute and loading his stuff into the car, dad’s flight will have to be at around 7am.
“Damn I’m good.” Chris muttered to himself
Is 10am good ? texted dad. sure hopes it is. God he’s finally going to see everyone. A month was a lot longer than he’d expect.
Perfect.
***
The drive home from the airport is awkward, to say the least – dad has been weird all morning. He’s not trying to force conversation even after a month of radio silence, holding up his word on waiting until they’re home. That seemed like a good idea back then, sitting on the bed of a makeshift room in El Paso. Now ? The silence in the car is suffocating – too many things are left unsaid in between the two of them.
“Dad” where to begin ? What did you do for a month ? Why did you talk to Kim in the first place ? Do you know any David ? Do you hate me ?
“I missed you. I’m still mad at you, but I love you”. That feels like the most important thing to say.
“I love you too Christopher. And that’s completely okay if your still mad.” dad was trying to make eye contact in the rearview mirror, which is a little dangerous according to Chris. Please, look at the road while driving.
“Do you promise to never lie to me anymore ?” Chris needs to hear his dad tell him, in very clear words, before they dive deep in all that they have to tell each other.
“Of course Chris, I promise to never lie to you again” before silence had the time to settle, dad added “But you have to understand, there are some things I can’t talk about, even to you. Though I promise to always be honest anytime you ask me about anything, huuh, personal”
Dad may have his flaws, but he would never break a promise, Chris will finally have his answers.
***
After turning everything around in his head for over a month, Chris was pretty sure he was about to develop super-powers. Or maybe chronic migraines. He’s not so sure anymore. The time for thinking is over, now’s the time for talking.
That’s how they ended up shoulder’s against the couch, knees pressing against each other and eyes not locked in the other’s. Lunch had been silent, but stalling was over – so, to talking.
“What did you do since I…?” Chris didn’t know how to finish that question without sounding guilty of something. Considering the look on his face, dad understood what Chris was asking.
“I wanted to talk to you about that. I started therapy again, huuh, twice a week. It’s been helping me think about – well, about a lot of things in my life”.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you Chris, I really am. I never wanted any of that to reach you. I know it doesn’t excuse, or justify what I did. What I did was not right. And, after talking about it with Frank, I realized that I was hurting. I talked to Kim because when I saw her, I thought I was given a second chance.” dad didn’t seem done talking, and Chris wasn’t about to stop his explanation.
“See Chris, when your mom and I had you, we were really young. And we weren’t sure of what we were doing, so we tried to do what we thought was right. And, and – dios this is really complicated to explain Chris.” and it sure sounds complicated, but Chris HAS to know.
“Dad, you don’t have to hold back anything. I’m not a kid anymore.” Chris rolled his eyes, for emphasis.
“Okay. Before that, you should know that I loved your mom. She was my best friend and she gave me the most important thing in my life” he pointed at Chris “you.” dad started rubbing his hands on his jeans, clearly nervous.
“I loved your mom, but I wasn’t in love with your mom. And-and, me not being in love with your mom doesn’t change anything about what we had, or that I love you. It’s just that I realized that I aah” now dad is biting his lower lip.
That is surprisingly not surprising. The differences in writing about mom and David, David disappearing from the diary entries and the sudden stop of the writing when mom got pregnant made the entire situation suspicious. “Dad. Whatever it is, you can tell me”.
“There’s no easy way to say it. I think I like men. Well, I know I like men, romantically. I just don’t know if I ever liked women that way.”
“I think I’m gay.”
Of all the things you should say to someone coming out to you, especially someone you love, ‘I know’ is pretty far down the list. That would be sooo inappropriate. Should Chris pretend to be surprised ? Dad would probably see right through him anyway.
What Chris ended up saying, or rather asking, was probably not that much better. “Do you love Buck ?”
Dad stared at him, looking like he’d just seen a ghost. It didn’t take Chris much to break him apparently – just pointing out dad’s obvious feelings for their mutual best friend.
“Yes Chris, I do love Buck. In-in more than just a friends way.” dad’s face looks so conflicted, between flushed red embarrassment and terrified ? That’s okay, Chris is also supper afraid of what that entail.
Dad loves Buck and Buck loves dad. Chris is good at math, but even someone as bad as both dad and Buck would be able to solve their particular problem. And to be fair, Chris thought about it a lot over the past three days : not a lot would be changing if they both started dating. Except they would kiss, and cuddle, and call each other pet names. Just thinking that made his eyes roll.
It would take time to get used to, but in the end, Chris wasn’t against it. The three of them already are a family, that would just be adding another way to be a family, right ? If dad doesn’t mess this up.
“I’m not mad at you for that dad. It’s okay that you like guys, I don’t care.” Hurghhh, that came out all wrong. “I didn’t mean it like – I’m okay if you’re gay. It’s just, I’m scared if it’s Buck. Everyone you ever dated ended up leaving us.” the look on dad’s face went from scared to apologetic in less than a second.
“I’m sorry Chris. I don’t have a better explanation to offer you other than the reason I think it didn’t work with Ana and Marisol probably was because I couldn’t love them the way I thought I should have.” and now it turned to sympathy.
“But you know that Buck would never leave you. And I’ll make sure that he doesn’t leave me too.” well, that doesn’t sound ominous at all.
“What are you going to do ?” does dad know that Buck loves him too ? Surely he does, he wouldn’t be that clueless.
“Look, I’m not sure that Buck feels the same way, so I won’t take any risk. That way nothing will change, for neither you or me”
Chris couldn’t stop the massive eye roll taking place on his face. Really, dad never seems to learn anything. “You should ask him about how he feels instead of thinking you know how he feels. Last time you hid something, that didn’t end well. ”
Chris was definitely allowed a little pettiness. Besides, this is all really to help him stop being miserable. And maybe Chris won’t ever have to be introduced to people that had no chance to stay in his life.
“Chris I-”
“No dad, you have to tell him - if you don’t, that means you’re asking me to lie to him for the rest of my life.” Chris is also not above manipulation if it means getting his dad’s head out of the sand (and his ego checked out). “Buck loves me, and he loves you. Even if he didn’t love you that way, he would never leave you too. And at least you already know I love Buck.”
And it seemed to work – dad looks resigned. A mixture of relief and sadness. There’s been enough of that lately and Chris needs to check in with Layla and Ayden. Maybe see if they could meet soon, there’s a lot to talk about.
“Can I go to my room dad ? I’m tired”
“Sure, buddy. If you need anything, you can just ask me.”
***
Buck assured Chris he would come over tonight, after the end of his shift. Apparently “tonight” meant arriving home at 4:20 pm. Which, normally, he wouldn’t even know cause he was supposed to be taking a nap. He wasn’t.
He was texting Layla about organizing a sleepover with Ayden, trying to make up for the one he missed last month. And then he heard the front door open, and dad shushing Buck, whispering ‘Chris is asleep” - how considerate.
Unfortunately, with dad and Buck whispering, not a lot of the conversation could be made out. Frankly, not a lot was really all Chris needed to know that dad a decided on the very pro-active course of action that is confessing to Buck like right now.
Adults should really learn that most walls are not that thick, and that conversation can be overheard. They should also learn that making out is a lot louder than whispering. Gross.
***
“Before I come in, please stop kissing.” is how Buck and dad were greeted by a very-much-not-asleep Christopher entering the kitchen. They both put as much distance as was possible in between them.
That sure killed anything that they were doing. The look on them was priceless.
“H-hey Christopher. I’m so glad you’re back !” exclaimed Buck at the same time as dad said “I thought you were taking a nap.”
“Hi Buck ! I couldn’t sleep, dad.” Chris made sure to drag that lost word as long as possible. “Before we talk about it, please don’t make out in the house while I’m in it. Hearing you is traumatising.”
Dad’s eyes were as big as plates and Buck let out a bark of nervous laughter. Chris, on his end, couldn’t stop laughing at the situation.
He wasn’t furious, nor pissed off. He wasn’t even mad anymore, just a little angry. But he loved his dad, he loved Buck and they loved him. And they also loved each other – so he was sure that what remained of the sadness and confusion will soon disappear.
They were never going to go back to the way things were before that night more than a month ago. It will take time to adjust to this new everything, and they were still secret yet to be revealed, hopefully without dad grounding him for forever. But Chris was home, with his dad, with Buck and ready to talk. If only to stop thinking for a moment.