Chapter Text
The minute it happened, Sirius knew he would regret it for the rest of his life. When he saw James run after Snape towards the tree he knew. He’d broken something between the four of them that would never be repaired.
He remembered the noise he choked out in surprise at the fact Snape had shown up at all. The confusion morphed into a horrible realization as Sirius whispered, “I’ve ruined everything."
He saw it in Remus’s eyes the day after. The betrayal, the hurt…the emptiness. James yelled at him, calling him selfish and impulsive for his actions. Peter cowered in fear away from him, his eyes asking if Sirius was a Black after all. Sirius didn’t blame any of them for their reactions.
Remus looked at him blankly that day, his brown eyes searching around Sirius’s as if trying to make a puzzle piece connect that did not fit. As if he’d done a spell wrong after reading it word for word in a textbook, but it still wasn’t working. He saw the confusion slowly harden into a grief stricken realization when Sirius owned up to the act. He watched Remus run out of the room, and made no move to stop him. What would he say? What could he say?
He could handle yelling, and he was used to people fearing him, but watching the heartbreak in Remus’s eyes destroyed him. He knew when Remus returned to the dorm that night, Sirius staying up waiting to hear his curtains shut, that he’d lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He remembered the sounds of screams and sobs breaking through the messily cast silencing charm.
He was right then. He’d lost everything.
After another night smoking late in the astronomy tower, he slipped into their room quietly. All of the other boys were in bed, which was fine by Sirius. It meant less questions. It meant he wouldn't have to see the look of pity in their eyes.
The glances from Peter and James that were once glares morphed into worry. Remus, on the other hand, didn’t bother looking up at all. As if Sirius couldn’t bear to look over to that bed anyway. The silence that stretched between them had lasted for two months now, but he knew it was bound to be longer.
He was trying to make peace with the fact he probably wouldn’t be back next year at all, not that he would ever tell them his suspicions. He’d heard the whispers - a sacrifice needed to be made to the Dark Lord to prove the Black family’s loyalty to blood purity. Who better than the next head of house. The heir?
Sirius shivered at the thought.
Anyways, he preferred sneaking in. It was easier that way for everyone.
He looks at James’s bedside table for the map. He didn’t ask for it anymore, only tried to sneak a quick glance at it at night in hopes he’d catch a glimpse of his brother safely in bed and at least fall asleep with that piece of mind. His sleep was fitful at best, so this was something like a grounding routine for him. He casts a quick lumos , but the map isn't where it usually is.
He sighs, deciding it’s not worth his effort to search through James’s or the other Marauders’ things. He’d done enough damage to all of them already. The least he could do was not give them another reason to want him dead.
He flops back into his bed when his thoughts begin to spiral steadily downwards. Maybe he hadn’t smoked long enough to clear his head after all. He felt panic beginning to set in. What if they’d chosen Regulus to take the mark? He was the golden child in their eyes after all. What if they took him away from him?
Remus’s words circle in his head. The last time he had a breakdown to this extreme, he could turn to him, but now…Well. Now he’d have to go without it. His brain repeats something about the consequences of his own goddamn actions and Sirius has to resist the urge to scream.
Always selfish. Always wanting what you can't have. Always needing more. Always needing...
Sirius shakes his head, trying to push the memories from his mind, but they come rushing back far too strong for him to control it. Sirius liked water normally. He used to joke that it must be the canine in him that was attracted to it, but right now he felt like he was drowning. He was screaming for air, wishing that he could go back and change everything, but the storm around him was unforgiving. Blacks don’t care how much you scream, they need more.
You’re just like them, aren’t you?
He clutches at his hair, begging the universe to make it stop, but he can’t. He rummages through his brain frantically, trying to find something to ground himself. In an instant he remembers the last time he felt like this. His friends were rushing to his side. He could still picture the worried looks on their faces.
“Hey, I read it’s easier to process emotions in your animagus form,” Remus said as James was panicking next to him, at a loss for what to do. “Maybe try turning into a dog?”
“Do you really think it’ll work?” Sirius asked through strangled breaths.
“It’s worth a shot.”
“What if he gets stuck?” Peter asked from behind the other two.
“Eh, maybe he should make the change permanent. He has a rather nice disposition as a dog,” James tried to joke.
“Piss off.” Sirius groaned as James gave him a worried smile. James took the hand off his shoulder and Sirius closed his eyes. He imagined a wave rushing over him and felt the second heartbeat grow nearer. When he centered back to reality he was curled up on the bed.
Padfoot whimpered and Remus pulled the dog into his arms.
“Shhh, it’s okay, Padfoot. We’ve got you. You’re safe here.” Padfoot continued to whimper, but soon accepted the pets and cuddles of a favorite human companion. He remembered the sound of his tail wagging against the bed.
“There you go, shhh, it’s alright. It’s going to be alright,” Remus whispered. “We’re here. You’re safe here. I’ll make sure of that.”
Sirius shuddered as Remus’s voice became farther away. The only times he heard it now were in class, or if he passed him by in the hallways. He tried to keep his head down and out of his way, but he could feel Lily Evans beside Remus looking at him in curiosity. He used to find that piercing gaze funny, he nicknamed it the prefect-look, but then it had centered on him and he’d never wanted to melt through the floor more. She wasn’t the only one who liked to stare. He used to love the attention, but these days he’d never wished to turn into a dog and hide in a broom cupboard more.
Before Sirius can think more about it, the water rushes over him again and he lets it drown him. He supposes James's right. He did have a rather kind manner as a dog. According to James, his puppy eyes were murder. He wasn’t planning on using them any time soon though…
However, his dog form did have a rather interesting side effect. Remus was right, it did clear his head, but it also made his thoughts extremely tunnel vision. Sometimes, all he could think of was what he wanted to do, and not exactly the consequences of his actions.
Well… as recent actions would prove - maybe that transcended past his dog form.
He wasn’t sure if Padfoot processed why he shouldn’t be doing this, but maybe a part of him needed it as well. He hops up in between the crack in the curtains on Remus’s bed and curls up at his feet. His tail thumps a few times against the comforter.
Moony. Mine. Safe. Protect.
Sirius lets these thoughts lull him into a feeling of security. He begins to close his eyes when he hears movement. He sniffs and feels his fur rise on end.
Something was wrong. It didn’t smell right.
The door creaks open and he nearly growls.
Mine. Protect.
His mind repeats this over and over as he inches towards Moony more. He nuzzles his feet through the sheets, trying to get him to wake up.
“What are you doing?” He freezes hearing his brother’s voice hiss through the silence of the room. “That’s the wrong bed.”
“No it isn’t.” He feels his blood run cold.
Snivellus.
“We’re trying to find Sirius’s journal, remember? To figure out what’s wrong with him,” a voice he thinks may be Evan Rosier hisses.
“Oh, I could tell you why he’s being shunned,” Snape says and it’s in a way that makes his blood curl. His protective instincts heighten in response to that open threat. He moves closer to Remus, lying down over his legs. Suddenly the curtains whip open. Sirius closes his eyes, grimacing at the light flashing into his eyes.
“That’s Remus’s bed,” the voice from earlier says.
“What… What are you going to do to him?” Regulus asks, sounding…worried?
“Show you what he really is.”
Sirius moves his head slightly from where it perches on his paws to see what’s going on. He feels himself growling lowly at the wand pointed at Moony’s body.
“What do you mean?” Evan asks, sounding confused.
“I made a new spell. I think it’ll do the trick.”
Sirius thinks the growling in his mind has started to shake through his body. He could feel Padfoot nearly vibrating with rage.
“Wait-you’re saying-” Regulus is cut off by someone else.
“-I want to see!” A new voice says. One that Sirius definitely recognized.
So he brought the whole crew, didn’t he?
“Barty,” the voice he is now sure is Evan, scolds. Snape takes a deep breath.
Before he can utter a word Padfoot has jumped up. He snatches the wand in his jaws and runs around the room. He knocks over someone with a resounding thump against the floorboards and it gives him an idea. Alert.
Padfoot slams his body into the dressers and desks, making things fall to the ground with a resounding crash. He was sure he’d practically woken up the entire tower at this point with the amount of things falling around him.
He slams into Remus’s nightstand and a piece of paper falls on his head. It quickly fans out and he recognizes their map. He looks around confused and tries to shake it off when the wand is snatched back out of his mouth. Padfoot quickly shakes the parchment off and growls at Snape.
Must Protect.
“Padfoot, heel,” a sharp voice cuts through the room. Padfoot whimpers, looking over at Remus. He was standing now and was pointing next to him. Padfoot lowers his head in shame and slowly walks over to his side.
“Bloody hell, what on earth is going on?” James asks, shoving his glasses onto his face. The light clicks on from Peter’s side of the room as Padfoot sits next to Remus.
“What the fuck is going on here?” Remus looks between the other four boys. “You’re Slytherins. What the hell are you doing in our dorm at…”
“Four in the morning,” James helpfully provides. Sirius must not have gotten his alarm clock.
“Four in the bloody morning?!” Remus cries incredulously. “How the fuck did you even get in here?”
“Fat lady thought I was Sirius,” Regulus mumbles. “I told her I forgot the password. She seemed to feel sorry for me for some reason?” Sirius narrows his eyes and looks up at Remus who sighs heavily.
“Alright. That explains three of you. Why the fourth?”
“He said he knew which bed was Sirius’s.” Barty says.
“Well, clearly he found the wrong one,” James snaps, earning him a glare from the slimeball.
“Doesn’t matter. Get the fuck out of our dorm. Don’t think I won’t tell McGonagall about this.” Remus crosses his arms and glares at the four of them.
“But-Severus didn’t get to show us-OWE!” Evan nudges Barty hard in the ribs.
“Show you what?” Remus asks, obviously irritated.
Snape raises his wand with a smirk. “Oh I think you know, Lupin.” Sirius looks over and sees Remus pale quickly. “I’m sure this spell will let everyone know.”
Logically, Sirius probably could’ve thought that James or Peter were near their wands and could have easily disarmed the man in front of him.
Logically, he could’ve turned back into himself and disarmed him on his own.
But logic didn’t matter to a dog. All a dog does is feel - and oh how much Sirius felt.
Mine. No one hurts my Moony.
He growls loudly before pouncing on Snape knocking him to the floor. He bites down into his leg and shakes it growling the entire time. He hears yelling all around him, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how Snape screams, and maybe he should. Maybe he should care, but he doesn’t care how loud he yelps in pain. Not if he wanted to hurt Moony.
His Moony.
“What is the meaning of this?” The voice of Professor McGonagall immediately shakes him out of his haze. He backs up, still growling angrily. He reels inside from seeing the deep bite marks on the other boy’s leg. He feels the human part of him slowly returning to his brain crying out in fear of what he was capable of, but also the deep rage within him that yelling that the bastard got what he deserved.
Snape wanted to hurt Remus. He wanted to hurt him. Sirius didn’t want to hurt Remus. He didn’t even think Snape would be dumb enough to go. It wasn’t an excuse, he knew, but he hoped for intimidation. An ominous warning with the intention of making Snape leave his friend alone. Snape pointing his wand at Moony wasn’t intimidation though, it was an active threat.
“They broke into our room Professor,” Peter says instantly, and for a moment Sirius wonders if he’s happy that someone else, for once, is in the wrong.
“I’m sorry. I know it was wrong, but I wanted to figure out why everyone was ignoring Sirius,” Regulus admits. Padfoot slinks down slightly, sitting down. “I… I was worried. He wasn’t showing up at quidditch practices anymore and I was afraid our parents had…”
Padfoot whimpers softly and looks over at Professor McGonagall. Something clicks behind her eyes and she sighs. “We’ll deal with this tomorrow. I expect you three to have a conversation with Professor Slughorn tomorrow about your actions. At least 50 points from Slytherin.”
“But-” Evan gives Barty a look. “Nevermind.” They slink out of their mumbling apologies.
“But Professor, they let this dog attack me!” Snivellous complains. Padfoot’s attention is brought back to him and instantly starts growling again.
“And what would’ve provoked that attack, Mr. Snape?” Professor McGonagall asks. “Or better yet…” She looks at Padfoot. “Mr. Black, will you please turn out of your animagus form.”
Sirius closes his eyes and lets the waterfall pass over him again. Soon he’s standing over Snape, breathing heavily and still practically growling. He sees Snape’s eyes widen in surprise as he grabs him by the collar.
"Go ahead,” Sirius hisses. “Tell her, you son of a bitch. Tell her what you were going to do to him if I didn’t stop you.” He nearly growls at him and relishes in the small hints of fear he sees in the other boy’s eyes.
“Sirius,” he hears James say in surprise, but there was no way he was backing down now.
“I-I wasn’t… I mean I really wasn’t going to.”
Sirius tightens the grip on his collar. “Oh really? You weren’t going to?” Sirius laughs coldly. “So when you aimed the wand at him twice, taunting to the others ‘Oh I’m going to reveal his secret’, you didn’t really mean it? You weren’t going to hurt him? Really? How do I not believe that for a second.”
“I… I was the one who hurt him?” he asks snidely. For a man who was currently being towered over, and easily overpowered for that matter, he sure had a mouth on him. “I would argue Lupin is doing an incredible job at ignoring someone in this room for that exact reason and it’s not me.”
Sirius tightens his grip on his collar. “Listen, you piece of shit. Remus is the best person on this earth. He would never hurt anyone . I hurt him. I wanted to hurt you and I hurt him. It was an accident, and not one I ever expect him to forgive me for - but the audacity you have to tell me that after you tried to hurt him on purpose ? Trust me, I know a lot more about how this actually works than you do and I promise you that spell was going to backfire. If it didn’t irrevocably hurt him, it would’ve hurt you. So you should be thanking me right now for saving you from that - or better yet James for saving your stupid arse.”
“But… I was going to hurt him,” Remus says softly from the other side of the room. “He’s right.”
“No!” Sirius cries and shoves Snape down with a thud. “He was, at best going to maul you with a human fucking consious and at worst try and make you kill him all over again. Just for some stupid satisfaction - without the effects that an animal’s mind has on his behavior. Doesn’t anyone see that?!”
“A lot of talk from the man who did maul someone.”
Sirius takes his wand out of his back pocket and puts it at the other boy’s throat. "Listen you scum , I could’ve done so much worse that first time when I took your wand and you know it. So why don’t you just stop your whining and go back to the dungeons where you belong?”
“That is quite enough, Mr. Black.” Sirius jumps, nearly forgetting Professor McGonagall was there. “100 points from Slytherin. We will decide how many points from Gryffindor in a moment. Mr. Snape. I expect you to head to Madam Pomfrey. I will check in on you in the morning for your side. However, you four, you will need to follow me.”
“No, Professor.” Sirius shakes his head. “I’m the only one here who was awake for this. No one else here really knows what happened.”
“Are you sure that’s true Mr. Black?” She asks as she helps Snape floo to the hospital wing.
“Certain.”
He floos out of there and she turns back to them. She looks at the three other boys and pauses for a moment looking over Sirius’s head.
She sighs heavily. “Very well, come with me then.”
Sirius follows her, but pauses in the doorway. “Sorry about our stuff… I-I can pay to fix whatever I broke if we can’t mend it.” He smiles sadly at his three bewildered and shocked roommates before shutting the door behind him. He takes a deep breath, resigning to his fate before he follows Professor McGonagall down the dorm stairs.