Chapter Text
Lloyd was taught what insecurities were at Darkley's. Less about insecurities and more how to use insecurities to manipulate people. How to dig into people, make them look at themselves badly and make them depend on you. Lloyd was never good at it, (probably because he was never meant to be bad).
Back then, Lloyd didn’t think it was possible to have insecurities himself. People not liking what they looked like was strange in many ways to Lloyd. He didn’t understand why others didn't like what they looked like. It was confusing and weird. It also didnt make sense, most insecurities just didnt make sense, a lot of others wanted exactly what they had.
That was what they thought untell they got he first scar and didn’t like what it looked like. It was a small scar on the underside of their forearm. One of the other boys had thrown a rock at him in the yard at recess. Lloyd stumbled back so it didn’t hit him, but in doing so they tripped and fell onto their arm right on a sharp stone, trying to catch themselves, it stabbed into him and he started crying. They went to the nurse because it was all bloody and gross. The nurse told them it would be fine as he cleaned it, it would heal quickly, then Lloyd would have a small scar that would likely fade over time, that he could show to his friends (cruel joke, they all knew it, Lloyd didn't have any friends).
It healed within a few days, just like the nurse said, it turned into a white splotch that looked strange on his skin, not right. Lloyd thought that scars would make them feel tough and strong. But that’s not how this scar made them feel. They felt weak. Weak because he let themself get hurt. Because they weren’t strong enough to protect themselves. And now it would be tattooed over Lloyds skin forever, for all to see how vulnerable they had been. How weak he had been.
Lloyd didn’t like feeling weak.
They understood feeling insecure from that day on. No one could ever see them without long sleeves after that, at least not until they found their family.
Lloyd got more small scars, childhood scars that were barely noticeable. A few scratches here and there that most actually faded completely, getting cut on stones, trees, and other objects (cough cough, knives and glass). Lloyd was at a school that taught them how to be evil. Of course, the kids would bully and attack each other with probably/most definitely unsafe things. But each time Lloyd got a scar, he felt worse. They were far from barely noticeable in Lloyd's mind. Each time they looked at them, they felt weak, vulnerable, and inferior. Clothing helped, he could hide them and clothing helped not get scars as easy too.
It only got worse when they became a ninja. Suddenly, every time they messed up even slightly, didn’t react fast enough, weren’t strong enough, or just wasn't thinking, they would get a permanent reminder of it for the rest of their life. Of how they failed or were just being stupid.
It was hard for him to look at his body for a long time, but as the ninja got closer, like only siblings could, it got easier. All the ninja had scars that would never fade. That would be on their bodies forever. Certain scars made the others feel how Lloyd felt, and he understood why. Some were more personal than others, he had them too. But seeing their siblings learn to be ok with those scars, made Lloyd feel less worried about their own scars as well as their siblings seeing their scars. If they were ok with each other’s scars, then it’s ok. It’s ok with being weak around family.
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When Lloyd woke up at the monastery without any of the others around after the merge, the first thing he did was panickly run though the monastery yelling out their uncles, brother’s, and sisters names. They looked and looked and didn’t find anyone. It took a day and a half before Lloyd was piling work onto themselves, looking for answers on what had happened and any signals of the other ninja.
They didn’t leave the monastery for a week straight. He knew because he started counting the days to after the merge, though he didn't call it the merge untell a later. When they did leave, they went out to fight someone, something, anything. Their hands were cramping thanks to unrolling and rolling scrolls. They needed to feel some kind of familiarity. The Monastery was just a bit too different to feel completely normal. And if fighting was the best way to keep their mind from lingering on how they still had no idea what had happened to cause the merge, what had caused Lloyd to be the only one to wake in the monastery, and why the things after the merge happened (the merge quakes). Then he would gladly take the distraction. They needed to keep up their stamina, training, and powers anyway, and fighting something or someone, helping in some way, would likely be good for all of those.
6 almost 7 months had passed, and they had yet to find anything. They were so deep in researching anything useful, then going to look for trouble to give themself a “break” when they got too overwhelmed in his own head, Lloyd didn’t realize how terrible they were taking care of himself. That is, until they walked down one of the monastery’s new halls and found a mirror with someone they could barely recognize looking back at them. It was just a cursory glance but they noticed deep eye bags immediately, although all the ninja had always had eye bags from being ninja’s and, their sleep schedules being one of the biggest battles they regularly lost too, these looking at him were dark, and hung low, making it look like Lloyd hadn’t slept in days or maybe a week? Then they noted how their hair was messy and unkempt, it looked dirty and desperately in need of being brushed out, longer too it almost reached his shoulders. He reached up and tilted his head to look at it, When was the last time he did anything with his hair? He grabbed a bit of it and it felt oily and snarled. He moved it behind his ear and saw a light patch of skin that was a lighter shade from their normal skin tone poking out from his gi on his neck. Under their chin, above their collarbones, on his right side. It struck a memory from before.
Lloyd pulled off the top of there gi setting it down properly on the ground next to him with his rash guard’s atop of it. He stood and, they looked rather small without that layer of clothing, hm weird.
That scar above his colerbone, not a particularly brutal one. It was a clean cut, a clean line of scar tissue. Didn’t even bleed much, they didn’t dodge fast enough at the Corridor of Elders, the canyon where they stopped Chen and his army before he took over Ninjago. Lloyd was so full of emotions, distraught, angry and scared all at the same time they weren't in their right mind to be fighting anything and they knew that but they still did, he did NOT want to lose their father again. Lloyd had just got him back and only for a year, that’s wasn't enough time! Lloyd started attacking the false snakes without hesitation, not worrying about if he would get any injuries in return. And eventually that’s just what happened. It was a simple slash Lloyd could have dodged, he didn’t. It hurt, of course, but not as much as they expected. A cut from one of the sharpest blades in the world, they'd expected much more pain, but no, it went through Lloyd's muscles smoothly, almost hitting a few very important things, but just by luck and him reacting late, but enough to stop it from cutting all the way through. The shock from it brought them back to himselves. It didn’t rip his gi they were wearing as most of it was already pulled and ruffled up , so they Pulled up there rash gard to stop some of the blood, though it wasn't even enough blood to even worry about, and covered it up and returned to the bounty to say goodbye and curse their father. If he had payed attention to anything but the panning gilt and lonely little child that was screaming in them not to let their father go, maybe they would have stopped Morro from slipping out when they did the spell, and that would have stopped a lot of the scars on their arms and chest.
Each time he disobeyed Morro and started to fight his possession. Each time, they tried to take their body back. Morro would go into a secluded spot where they could force Lloyd to the front of their mind. Not enough to be able to take control, but enough to feel the weeks of starvation Morro forced their body to endure, the dehydration making them instantly disoriented. The worst part was when he would take a knife to their skin and have Lloyd feel every cut, every slice, every scar they made. Unable to stop it and far to able to feel it. He could read Lloyd’s thoughts so he knew very well how much Lloyd hated their scars. Morro would laugh at their pain and tell them again and again how pathetic they were. How useless they were. How WEAK they were.
Lloyd felt something hot on their face. Lloyd reached up slowly, something wet. It took him longer than it should have to realize it was tears. They flinched back when they saw the reflection again. Smaller, no wonder they had a smaller frame. They looked smaller, just like when Morro was in control, not eating enough.
Why weren’t they eating enough? Why would Lloyd, no one is here to care about them. Morro told them before that it was because it took too long, a waste of precious time. He was right, it's wasted time. Time he didn’t have. They need to be more useful, work harder, maybe then they would earn enough time to have a snack. Maybe they could convince Morro to let them sleep for an hour if they worked their body to its limit. Or if they were really lucky, Morro would be in a good mood and let them drink a little bit of water. Just a glass. Just one, they could be better, they would be better, they would go until their body collapses, just for one glass, please, that’s all he needed.
They almost heaved over when a gasp tore itself from their lips. Hyperventilating, they’re hyperventilating?! Each breath coming out faster than the last. No air was getting to his lungs, and no air was going out.
Lloyd stumbled away from the mirror, trying to focus on anything to keep them from spiraling further. Suddenly, they were in their room. When did they get here? It was too big and too small at the same time. Too big, too open, not small enough to know they were safe but at the same time too small, like the walls would close in on them and crush them any second if they moved too much. He was scrambling for something to stop this spiraling and he eventually settled on an old memory of Kai leading them into Lloyd’s room not the same as this one but close enough after a particularly bad day of sparring that triggered a panic attack. At first Kai let them cry, holding them up as they shook and could barely stand on their own but when Lloyd started to hyperventilate, Kai got worried. Lloyd knew in the way his constant warmth turned more prominent in the room making it feel softer like a comforting and familiar blanket.
‘Hey, It’s ok, you're safe’ Kai said as he pulled back from the hug to look at Lloyd still holding them up so Lloyd wouldn’t sway but now letting Lloyd support their own weight some. It took a second but they were able to.
‘Can you hear me?’ Lloyd nodded along with their past self even though Kai was not truly here.
‘Ok, follow my breathing’ Kai gently took Lloyd’s hand and placed it on his chest. They could feel the even rise and fall of it before Kai started to count for Lloyd to follow.
‘in 1, 2, 3, 4” Kai breathed as they felt Kai’s chest rise and their past self tried to follow but only made it to 3. Kai rubbed their back in small circles ‘it’s ok, just keep going, out 1, 2, 3, 4’ he felt Kai breath out under his hand
Lloyd started to copy it before they heard Morro’s voice shattering the calming false presence of Kai.
‘YOU COULD NEVER DO IT ALONE! COULD YOU! YOUR WEAK! YOU NEED OTHERS!’
It all fell apart, the illusion of Kai sitting beside them shattered and Lloyd felt himself becoming more distant from there body. They couldn't control their body, it went stiff, and then mind numbingly still, similar to how their body reacted for weeks, no months when Morro was in control.
He scrambled for something to keep him grounded. A memory of Nya forced its way into the front of their mind, and it started playing like a broken disc. On the bounty, they are on the bounty with Nya at the wheel going who knows where. It was pleasantly quiet with lloyd going around and checking anything that needed to be done before Nya’s voice cut the silence smoothly just like the wind that had slowly been making Lloyd more anxious, dragging up memories he didn't want but her voice was far kinder than the biting cut of the wind. ‘Morro was wrong, it’s not weak to rely on others, you're strong enough to ask for help when you need it, that's worth a lot more than you think’
Lloyd had hesitated for along moment before turning to face Nya ‘But-‘ Lloyds former self tried to say but was cut off by a firm glance from Nya looking down at them with a sharp in familiar gause, probably not the safest to not be looking at the front of the ship but Zane wasn't on the deck to lecture them so it was fine they were too high up to hit anything anyway. ‘relying on each other is what makes us a good team, Morro could never be as strong as us when we are together because we can trust each oth-’
‘You can trust me’ Harumi’s voice cuts through the memory in an instant, like a hot blade to the skin and Lloyd was suddenly in Primeval’s eye with her sitting at their back helping sling their arm with the only thing they had (a map). Lloyd hit a branch when falling, it hit their shoulder out of place. It was way too swollen to try to put it back in place yet and any movement pulled all the muscles in that arm in every wrong way possible which made them have to really try to not grimace in front of the princess every time he moved. Even back then they knew it would be a while before that healed completely, it ripped some kind of muscle in their arm deeply.
She made them feel like it was ok to open up, so they did. Lloyd told her about their father, their insecurities, just about everything.
‘I knew to keep you close’. Only for her to cut a deep scar into him, both mentally and physically, physically on their right side in the Oni temple. The dagger she used was rigid, not a clean cut, it snagged and pulled at their skin and muscles. If it was just their arm getting snapped out of place and their muscle getting ripped they would have eventually healed but Harumi cut right under their arm that had just gotten forced back into place with a harsh hit to the ground when the strangled weed grabbed Lloyd’s leg still very swolen, witch was good in the short term very bad in the long term but then made all they worse by that dagger.. That cut made their already injured arm at least a hundred times worse. It made the muscles even weaker, especially when trying to lift things up above their head. The tug at their shoulder often reminded them of Harumi. A reminder that often made a perfect day stained with memories.
Harumi made a much deeper scar to their mental state later on and that's where most of the memories came from. Lloyd had lost just about everything, all their brothers, Kai, Coal, Zane, Jay and on top of that lil’master Wu, and for a few agonizing days that turned into a week, they thought all of them were gone. Not trapped in the first realm but dead, crushed by The Colossus under their father's control, never coming back with no hope of ever finding a way to free Ninjago.
‘This, this is what I wanted, to see your fathers return and for you to lose everything. How does it feel to see the end’. But they wouldn't let their emotions show, if he did he wouldn't be able to stop and Harumi would win, so he forced his emotions down for the time being and went on. Only later when they were safe in their sister's arms did they both break, Lloyd sobbed into Nya’s shoulder wall Nya did the same to his. They were both desperately clinging onto any type of hope. Nya had found it in fake confidence and tried to go on for her brother, boyfriend and friends. Lloyd on the other hand could barely hold onto their own mind, it kept slipping way back into the past. They felt as though a part of themself was ripped out and killed. Only when they found the bounties crash sight and traveler tea leaves did Lloyd have the strength to force their mind back on straight and push forwards.
Then it happened again. Back in that dam Oni cave now flying because he failed again to finish the overlord. They watched as their family tried to run, get away, get out of the tunnel. Trying to dodge the falling debri, as the passageway collapsed. The camera got smashed before Lloyd could see them make it safely to the trolley. Between Lloyd’s pain, Harumi's taunts and pushing down their sadness, and desperation for their family, the only thing they could feel was a burning white anger, one they had never felt before. It felt as though if they stopped they would be burned to ash by that same anger. An unstoppable force, they weren’t in control of, when his body started moving on its own they honestly did not care enough to try to fight it, they were far too gone to feel anything more than grief, loss, and so, so much anger. They unlocked their oni powers but not in a way they would have ever wanted them to be unlocked. They got two deep scars into the palms of their hands because they lost themself to that anger. He pushed against Harumi with a sword in between them except the sharp side was facing Lloyd and the other Harumi. They pushed her back making blood soak into their gloves before thier Oni powers cauterized the wounds making them scars they would stare at later on. They only remind Lloyd of how they watched as their family almost (in the moment not almost) died, and the twisting entanglement of all the suppressed emotions coming out as nothing but anger.
How they managed to keep control over themself when going through Primeval’s eye with Harumi again was a miracle from the first spinjitzu master themselves. The amount of times Lloyd thought of slitting Harumi’s throat then his own, crossed their mind more than it should have. After all Lloyd had no one left, everyone was gone, and they couldn't do this on their own. So why not take out one of The Overlords favorite pieces in his games with him. It's not like he would have missed her either way, he didn't care for anyone but himself. So taking her out with themself, would just be protecting a few last people before Lloyd died.
And hey! Here they are again! Wondering if thier siblings are dead or not. They could all be dead after going through the merge. What a GREAT time for deja vu. They think as bitter sarcasm drips into thier head and they start to laugh at how ironic it is. Lloyd’s breathing was far too fast for it to actually sound like a laugh but they truly could not care less right now. Not that they could hear anything ether. Lloyds ears were ringing far too loudly to hear anything. he could feel his chest and lungs convulsing with struggling to breathe and laugh. So who knows what it sounded like, certainly not them.
Jay would say something like that, some part of their mind tried to say. Something that was dripping in sarcasm and trying to make them laugh in the most shity of circumstances, or panic for them so they all would be thinking of ways to calm him making them all think more logicly. it would make Lloyd clear their mind and focus on making a plan if they were in the field. He has done that before many times over, when they would be in the most crappy situations. Jay would make a light joke that eased the tension even if just a little, it always helped Lloyd calm down. They should have told him more often how much they appreciated those little things Jay did to help the team. But now they would likely never get the chance, Jay could be dead and he would never be able to joke around and break the tension like he used to. He would never throw his arm around Lloyd's shoulder and lean all his weight on them, almost making them fall while doing so, and being overly loud just to annoy Lloyd like any older sibling would.
Kai used to do the same thing but normally didn’t put as much pressure as Jay. Instead he would hold Lloyd tighter and ruffle their hair making it stick up in every direction. They used to hate it but now they were desperately craving kai to come in jokingly mess up their hair and give a half hearted jab that would have Lloyd giving some kind of light jab back. Then after a few more joking insults being thrown around, Kai would pull Lloyd into a hug or at least a side hug and laugh. And if they needed it he would lay down with Lloyd and run his hands though lloyds hair to get them to relax. It was a comforting thought, Kai running his hands through Lloyds hair again. They could almost feel it. Kai always radiated heat just enough to be warm without being hot, it would have them almost melting into it when they started to drift off.
There's no warmth here they think as they comes back to themself just a bit more. There were no fingers in his hair or arm around his back. Their tears were strangely hot but nothing like the warmth they wanted, so they ignored that as they realized it was getting harder and harder to open their eyes at all. They tried for all of 3 seconds (or what they assumed was 3 seconds) before giving up. In between those blinks however they realized, he was on the ground, not standing anymore. They must have collapsed. When did that happen? he didn’t notice thier body moving at all. It didn't matter much anyway because his body was numb and not in a good way, like it shut down, it was already doing that beforehand but now that they were focusing on it. Their body relaxed in a way that was most definitely unnatural and was now completely unmoving, frozen, dead. He couldn't even move their hands or eyes.
Cold, their cold, their brain supplies barely keeping track of what was real and what wasn't. Was that their imagination or did it just get really cold all the sudden?
Too cold to be Zanes' comforting chill, that would sometimes make goosebumps on their skin. Or when other times Zane would be patching them up from a mission or something, one of the others had roped them into doing that was probably really stupid in hindsight. Zane would put their cold hands onto a bruise or tight muscle to help it go numb in a way that could only be described as comforting. When Zane would hug them, which on its own was a rare thing, it was like their entire body would go numb from all the aches and pains that constantly decorated their body from being a ninja.
But this cold was not that light chill, this was like the unforgiving winter, like an accusing finger pointing out all the times Zane was hurt and Lloyd had failed to protect them.
When Zane had sacrificed themself to save them all when Lloyd failed to defeat The Overlord. All of the time on Chen’s Island. When they almost lost them when they infiltrated the Sons of Garmadon, because Lloyd said to let them go. And because they were so very easily tricked by Harumi. When Zane jumped in front of Uncle Wu when Aspheera tried to attack him. Because Lloyd was uselessly sitting off to the side, instead of helping. Zane, who lived through decades not knowing who they were nor what they were doing, wall being controlled like a puppet by Vex the Formless. Zane, who was so determined to be more human and show emotions, only to turn them off when trying to deal with the grief of Nya turning into the s-
Nya
‘As long as I have my power and breath in my body I’m going to protect you’ when Nya said that Lloyd was at one of their lowest points. And she proved that to be true with her actions protecting them every chance she got, but then . . .
Nya became the sea
‘As long as I have my power and BREATH in my body I’m going to protect you’
She gave her last breath protecting Lloyd and the others . . .
but she came back! Everything worked out! Everything was ok! She got her body back and then got her powers back. And everything turned out ok.
But now Nya is gone again! And they are alone again! And has been suppressing their emotions! Ha, wonder if their oni form is going to take over again. Blind them with rage and make them almost lose themself again. Lloyd would need something to ground themself if that happened. Pain was their first thought but then quickly crossed that out as it would likely need to be a large amount of pain and for that to happen it would likely cause a scar, and more scars would just make it easier to lose themself. Their next thought was Cole.
Cole was always grounding, and knew how to keep Lloyds head from getting away from them. He just about used a calm quite, a strong and stable, immovable pillar when they needed it, one Lloyd could lean on when desperate or not in their right mind. Cole was strong enough to carry the team when Lloyd was slacking, helping them with leadership while also never taking over. Or when Lloyd needed comfort, a hug from him always worked, Cole's hugs were a combination of bone crushing comfort-ability and grounding stability. Able to hold Lloyd together no matter what came, no matter what happened, no matter how many pieces they broke into. Cole would hold them together until they were able to put the pieces back together themself and even then, Cole would help put them back together.
But no one was here to pick up their pieces tonight, not even themselves.
Lloyd didn't remember their head hitting the ground as they had already passed out before their head even touched it.
After not getting enough air for over an hour, who knew they would pass out due to lack of oxygen.