Archive of Our Own

Maybe it started with a relative of Jay’s moving to California.

It was his aunt—he remembers wishing her an emotional goodbye in the airport, his mom in tears at the thought of her sister living across the country. He remembers hugging his little cousin and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

But most of all he remembers the drive back home and how grey it was. Looking back, it was probably a foreshadowing of what was to come.

Jay didn’t want to think about that. So maybe it starts with the sea. Or rather, the proposition of a road trip.

On day one of summer break, Jake and Heeseung both bust into Jay’s apartment, smiles wide and car keys in hand. “Pack your bags,” Jake says, out of breath.

Heeseung cuts in with, “we’re taking a road trip!”

It takes a moment for Jay’s brain to catch up, but when it does, he’s still left stuttering. His laptop still sits open on his desk. “Road trip? What—What do you mean road trip?”

Doe eyes meet Jay’s and sigh. “Well, it was Jake’s idea, but it does sound fun,” he explains. “Come on, we could all use a vacation.”

He’s hesitant, but he gets up and shuts his laptop. “Alright. Give me twenty minutes.”

In reality, it only takes him around ten. Most of his clothes are back home in Tacoma with his grandparents and it’s only a few-day road trip, anyway (he hopes). His suitcase grows only halfway full, mostly taken by various chargers and books.

“I’m borrowing my mom’s car,” Heeseung tells him after he locks his apartment door behind him. “She usually takes a subway to work, or something.”

Jay thinks about the size of the car—no, van, and his mouth drops open. “...Just how many people are you planning on bringing?”

Heeseung laughs like he’d expected that. “Only one more. He’s a friend of me and Jake’s, I’m sure you’ll be okay with him.” The tone’s off, but he doesn’t think too deeply about it.

“Does Jay even know who you’re talking about?” Jake says, eyeing him. His tone is off, too. “For all we know, they’re complete strangers—”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Jay interrupts. One new person isn’t going to throw off his whole vacation. “Come on, let’s go already. There’s no use waiting.”

He walks down his building stairs, leaving Jake and Heeseung to follow. The van is indeed sitting outside—a dark blue metal with a sleek and sporty design. He wonders why they need a van when there will just be four of them in it.

Although, since Heeseung doesn’t have his own car, it’s out of habit.

In the back lie the other two suitcases. Jake’s is bulging, and Jay wonders how he managed to fit everything in without having it pop open. He puts his bag on the other side of the trunk, as far away as possible, purely out of fear. This is going to be one hell of a road trip.

“Jay, get in!” Jake says from the front seat. He takes the passenger, and Heeseung sticks the key in the ignition, which means Jay is stuck in the back for miles and miles of road with no leg room. He already regrets agreeing to it.

At least he has his headphones. It could be worse.

They’re on the highway not too long after they leave, the sun at the very top of the sky. “He lives about twenty minutes away,” Heeseung tells him. “But we’re going to a Maine beach.”

Jay blinks. “Why go to Maine for a beach?”

“I’ve never been,” Jake says after putting his own music on the speakers. It’s a cheesy romance song by someone he shares a name with. “Heeseung promised to take me one day and our friend wanted to go too!”

The smile that appears on Jay’s face grows wide. He shakes his head. “Of course.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Heeseung meets Jay’s eyes from the rear-view mirror. He squints.

“You know you’d do anything for Jake. Don’t try to pull that tone on me.” Jay leans back in his seat with his hands behind his head. “Just let me know when we get there.” His eyes shut to focus on his own music. Jay refuses to listen to romantic “bullshit,” as he calls it, the whole trip there.

It’s so relaxing that he almost thinks he’s on the waves already. Bouncing up and down, like a float in a whirlpool. The soothing music rings out somewhere in the back of his mind, but the rest of him lies in the ocean. He knows they’re not at the beach yet, but he’s still relaxed like they are.

That is until he opens his eyes and sees exactly who comes trotting over with a bag in hand. Jay freezes in place. No.

“Jay, can you help him put his bags in the back?” Heeseung asks. It’s almost as if he’s taken a double-barrel shotgun to the chest, several times over. His heart once again lies in pieces at the bottom of his stomach and for a few seconds, he can’t bring himself to move.

Reluctantly, he does end up getting out of the car. Another wide-eyed face meets his, and now he knows he’s not the only one whose brain is having trouble grasping everything.

“Jongseong?” the boy whispers, unsure. Jay stares ahead at the luggage already in the car.

There’s no way this is happening. Not today. “Oh, hey Jungwon,” he says out loud, even though his mind is screaming out, because what is he doing back in DC?

Jungwon also turns his eyes in front of him, at the luggage Jay has just laid down. “Funny seeing you here, huh?” The air fills with a thick awkwardness, and it’s heavy enough to infect his lungs with thorns.

“Uh, yeah.” The thud of the trunk is almost too loud as he walks back to the side door. When he gets in, Jungwon sits down beside him in the right-side seat. “It’s… been a while.”

Jake turns his head from the front, looking curious. Jay winces and grips his seat. Oh god.

“You two know each other? I thought you’d be strangers!” His smile is wide. Too wide—matching his too-cheerful tone. “That’s a relief.”

“...In a way, you could say we are,” Jungwon says. There’s still something Jay can’t pick up. The car grows more silent than it was the whole time, and no one dares to speak. The only thing Jay can hear is the low hum of the engine.

Jake only shrugs. “Well, we have the whole trip, then!” Jungwon’s face looks… green.

Nothing about this needs to go on longer than it already is, so Jay speaks up for once. “It’s nothing, don’t worry. Let’s drive.” He buckles himself in and slips his headphones back over his ears. Yep. What a hell of a road trip.

If he’s honest with himself, he thinks vacation will be more taxing than if he’d just stayed home. Something about the aspect of being around Jungwon every waking moment scares him to death, and yet the other two have no idea. This is between him and Jungwon—something they have to solve themselves. Jay doesn’t know if he has the strength to confront that, let alone the strength to stop second-guessing his actions.

At first, he’s confused, because they pull up to a small coffee shop on a street corner. Its outside is made of a medium-brown brick, almost like it came straight out of New York. The windows show a cozy inside with tables, chairs, and some couches.

“Heeseung, what are we doing at a café?” Jay asks. Jake is already getting out of the car with a backpack in his hand. He guesses not everything fit in that suitcase.

“We’re discussing where we want to stop on the way there,” Heeseung says. His eyes find Jake’s and Jay can tell it was his idea. He almost giggles to himself when Heeseung rolls his eyes.

And as expected, when they all get out, the eye-rolling earns him a kick to the shin.

The atmosphere inside is better than it looked on the outside. Mugs clink, keyboards clack, and the coffee machines are whirring in the background. It’s the most relaxed Jay’s been since Jungwon arrived.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” Jake says, sitting at one of the few empty tables. “Heeseung and I already picked out an arcade on the way, closer to the beach.”

Jay scrunches his face. “Why an arcade?”

The look it gets him is scary, to say the least. It seems Jake is very passionate about this.

“Because, you uncultured swine, arcades are fun!” Jay looks over at Heeseung, who’s learned to stay out of it. He’s messing with the spoon in the coffee he ordered.

It’s not that he doesn’t like arcades, it’s just—he doesn’t go to them anymore. He remembers the last time he went, and yes, he had fun, but…

His eyes drift over to Jungwon and he wants to sigh, but he doesn’t. That was years ago, and it’s all over. He still hasn’t been back to that arcade. In fact, he hasn’t set foot in another one since.

“Alright,” Jay says, resigned to his fate.

Jake perks up at that. “Yay! Okay, but first, we’re stopping at a gas station. Heeseung needs to refill and I want a slushie!”

Of course, Jay wants to say, but he doesn’t want to get glared at again. Instead, he stays silent the rest of the time, yearning to get back in the car and reunite with his favorite pair of headphones.

When that time comes, he couldn’t be more grateful to be on the road again.

Soon, they pull up to a small gas station, hidden behind a few trees. Jay can see the unassuming stains on the outside walls and the brick they use to prop open the door. There’s a cold slush drink advertisement in the window.

“I’m getting gas. Jake, you get us all slushies,” says Heeseung, who promptly hands over a 50-dollar bill. “Get me a cherry!”

Jake motions for the other two to follow him inside. There, in the corner, sits the machine—three sizes of cups sit beside it.

Jay picks his first. His eyes fall on the Coca-Cola flavor, which he’s never seen before, and wonders about it. It sure does catch his eye, so he grabs a large cup and starts filling it. He has a goal to try every strange one he finds.

“You’ve always had the strangest tastes,” he hears Jungwon mutter, and it brings a smile to his face. No matter what they’ve been through, Jungwon’s always been right about him.

Jungwon goes next and he picks the blue raspberry. “And you’re as normal as ever,” Jay comments back, still smiling. Jungwon turns around to flash one back.

They all fall into silence again when Jake pours his. He fills a medium and a large with cherry. Now they’re refusing to look at each other and their eyes are on the floor.

At some point, they find themselves exiting the store to find Heeseung relaxing in the driver’s seat. When he sees them, he says, “refreshment, finally,” and his legs get to work to retrieve his large cherry slush.

Then they’re all back in the car and Jay does not stare at Jungwon. He makes a point of stirring his drink until it thaws enough to become half-liquid. He does not stare.

On the highway, he hears Jungwon whisper, “cows.” And he’s right—there’s a farm across from him on the other side of the road, Jay’s side, and it makes him wonder if Jungwon tried not to stare as well.

“Cows,” he agrees.

When Jay falls asleep an hour later, the day goes on, and the sun dips below the horizon to send them into the darkness. He awakens, slowly opening his eyes and Heeseung yawns in the front seat while Jake is already snoring.

“Do you want me to take over?” Jay asks. He’s a little worried.

He feels Heeseung’s eyes on him through the rear-view mirror. “How much sleep have you gotten?” Heeseung asks.

“Plenty.”

It’s enough for Heeseung to pull over to the side of the highway. It doesn’t wake the sleeping passenger—he’s still snoring by the time the car is stopped. Jungwon, however, hasn’t closed his eyes once.

“Be careful. My mom barely trusts me enough as it is,” Heeseung says sleepily. His fingers come up to rub his eyes, and yeah, Jay’s happy he spoke up.

The front seat welcomes Jay as he sits down. “You’re lucky I woke up before you fell asleep at the wheel,” he jokes. Then, the passenger seat opens, and Jay looks at Heeseung who’s lifting Jake into his arms. He still doesn’t stir, only babbling in his sleep. Jay smiles.

Until someone else walks up to the passenger door. It’s Jungwon—bag in hand, looking as awkward as ever. Jay’s stomach becomes something akin to a black hole.

“Alright, Jay, start driving,” Heeseung mumbles. He sounds already half asleep with his words slurred. But still, Jay pulls onto the highway and starts back toward Maine.

For a while, everything is quiet. He focuses on the road while Jungwon focuses on his music playing through the radio. A few minutes pass and Heeseung is snoring in the backseat.

Something is pulling at the back of Jay’s brain. He can’t ignore it any longer—it’s bothering him. So he bites back all his nervousness and says, “when did you move back to DC?”

Beside him, Jungwon murmurs, “do you ever miss high school like I do?” His cheek is in his hand, and he stares out the window. It’s a miracle that Jay even heard him.

“Sometimes,” he admits. “I miss how simple it all was.” I miss you, his brain says. His mouth doesn’t.

Jungwon hums. “University up in Vermont felt too complicated. I started missing high school, so I moved back down here by myself. It’s less complicated like that.” It sounds like a quiet confession. Jay can feel his heart speed up in his chest, and there’s no way this is happening.

Somehow, he manages to keep himself under control. “I’m glad you came back.” Jungwon looks at him, and he knows. They both know. Neither of them say anything.

The car fades back into quiet, and yet again, Jay is left alone with his thoughts. It's almost two in the morning now. There are still miles of highway left to drive.

Jay doesn't know how much time has passed when he zones back in. He doesn't even remember zoning out—only staring at the highway until the moon grew high above.

He looks over and Jungwon is asleep. Jay’s the only one awake, maybe, he thinks, he should find them a motel for the night. He pulls into the next one he sees. There’s paint chipping off the outside walls and one of the letters on the sign is burnt out.

Still, he gets out of the van, walks up and opens the office door. The worker glances up from her phone and stares through her eyelashes.

“We have two rooms left,” she says in a thick, raspy voice. “How many do you need?”

Jay smiles and takes out his wallet. “The last two, please.”

In reality, he wants just one room to himself. But he supposes he can’t complain on a road trip with three other people—the car is barely comfortable enough as it is. She takes his card and scans it.

“Have a good night, sir.” The woman drops the keys in his hands and he heads back to the car.

It never takes long to wake Jungwon up. From what Jay remembers, he’s always been a light sleeper; in his high school days, Jay used to call him after dark. Even though he could hear the sleep still clinging onto Jungwon’s voice, he answered within a few rings. It isn’t a surprise to him that it only takes one tap on his shoulder to get him up.

Heeseung and Jake, however, are a different story. It takes them two nudges, five shoulder shakes, and a light slap to the face each to make them open their eyes. Even then, they groan and try to go back to sleep.

“Get up or I’m leaving you in the car and you won’t get the keys to your room,” Jay says. Heeseung’s eyes shoot open.

“Give me the fucking keys,” he slurs, grabbing at air. He swats at nothing for about thirty seconds before he grabs Jay’s wrist, taking the keys from his hand. For a moment, Jay worries if he can even get out of the car without falling on his ass.

He does stumble a bit but regains his balance eventually. It’s impressive how fast he seems to be fully awake, but it’s likely the promise of a bed. Sleeping in a van cannot be comfortable.

Not long after, Jake stumbles out of the other door. “Heeseungie, are we rooming together?” he asks, rubbing his eyes. Heeseung nods, and Jake mumbles a quick, “yay!”

So those two get one room, and Jay and Jungwon get the other—

Oh. Oh no.

Jay hopes and prays to whatever deity is listening that their room has two beds.

The two rooms Jay got are right next to each other on the outside corner of the motel. The paint is almost entirely chipped, save for a few spots around the doors, which creak when they open.

Heeseung and Jake go in their room first. “Goodnight,” one of them mutters—he isn’t sure who. The door shuts and they’re left alone, key in Jay’s hand.

“Come on, let’s rest,” he says. The key enters the lock as his hand shakes. Please, he prays.

His thoughts are interrupted by the opening door. There’s a bed. A singular bed in the center of the room, perfectly made.

Shit. It’s not even a king.

Jungwon is the first to speak up. “I can sleep on the floor if you want,” he says. “I don’t sleep well, anyways.”

“No.” Jay drags his suitcase to one side of the bed. “You’re not sleeping on the floor. We can deal with this.”

Neither of them says anything else. It’s quiet until Jungwon ventures into the bathroom and the shower water starts running. Jay even hears Jake and Heeseung talking through the wall—their voices are muffled.

He’s only just sat on the bed when Jungwon opens the door. And all over again, Jay is reminded of why he asked Jungwon out in high school.

His hair’s still wet, and his shirt hangs off his shoulders to hide what Jay knows is underneath. Jungwon’s perfect eyelashes blink against his cheeks. The blush from the steam still clings to his face, making him look… angelic.

Holy shit. Jay is not going to survive this.

“I’m going to bed.” It’s said as quiet as it now is next door.

They don’t talk about whose side is whose. They don’t even discuss separate blankets—they slip under the same top sheet and comforter. The air in the room hangs thick with tension, but Jay does his best to ignore it.

There’s no light left in the room anymore. “Goodnight,” Jungwon whispers.

Jay returns it and flips over on his side, but his eyes won’t close. He’s stuck staring at the Monet-style painting hanging up on the wall, analyzing every brush stroke.

He thinks he’s stared at it for about thirty minutes when Jungwon moves. The bed creaks and an arm drags across his stomach, leaving tingling electricity across every inch. It stops along his side, pulling Jay closer until his back hits Jungwon’s chest.

He is for sure not surviving this night.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, Jungwon throws a leg over Jay’s, effectively trapping him in place. His light snores rustle Jay’s hair.

Jay thinks it’s ironic that he’s seen him shirtless, but they’ve never shared a bed. Either one or both of them were always too awkward to ask—and Jungwon’s mom didn’t let Jay sleep over, anyway. It was always a far-off, distant fantasy that Jay thought about to sleep at night.

But now, after they haven’t seen each other in years, they’re here. And Jungwon is dead asleep, limbs tangled around him. Jay’s eyes are heavy and droop until they close; he figures it’s because Jungwon is keeping him still.

“Go to sleep, Jeongie.”

He almost falls until he realizes. Jeongie is a nickname Jungwon hasn’t used on him since they broke up, and he just used it again, for the first time in years. Tears prick from behind Jay’s eyelids.

Jay can tell now how much he missed him. After high school, he didn’t want to admit it—he kept convincing himself he’d moved on, yet something was still there. Something was tugging him back there.

He doesn’t want to think it’s fate that they’re here right now, lying in the same bed, but what else could it be? He’s been wanting this for years—for Jungwon to come back, for Jungwon to be in his arms again. And he’s finally back in his arms.

But if he doesn’t believe in fate, then it’s nothing. It’s a coincidence, he tells himself. The world is cruel and unforgiving as he learned it was years ago. This is nothing.

The lethargy in his body finally catches up to his brain and he can’t keep his eyes open. So he falls asleep shutting down his own emotions as they try to march their way up to the surface.

When Jay wakes up the next morning, he wants to go back to sleep.

It might’ve been the best night of sleep he’s ever had. Usually, he wakes up feeling exhausted already, but he feels… rested. Like he actually slept, despite not getting as many hours.

Even Jungwon isn’t awake yet. And Jungwon is the lightest sleeper Jay’s ever known. He’s still snoring—in the same position he fell asleep in, wrapped around Jay and nuzzled into his hair. The light snores still echo out across the room.

It feels like it’s been about an hour when he does wake up, by himself. Jungwon groans and stretches, which cuts off quickly once he realizes where his leg is. Without a word, he retracts it.

“Good morning,” Jay says. Jungwon doesn’t answer for a few moments.

“…Morning.”

The air in the room is awkward until they pack their stuff back in their suitcases and open the door to see Jake and Heeseung waiting outside. Their smiles clear it out in an instant.

Jake asks, “How’d you sleep last night, Jungwon?” He seems to think it over—brows furrowed and biting his bottom lip.

Jay makes a point to look in the other direction.

“Actually, I slept pretty well.” He giggles. “I don’t feel tired at all, and I fell asleep relatively fast.”

This seems to confuse the other two because they both look at each other like Jungwon was replaced with some weird alien.

“Aren’t you an insomniac?” Heeseung asks like he’s trying to confirm it.

The group is quiet for a few seconds. Jake and Heeseung are waiting for an answer, while Jungwon seems to be caught off guard. Last night won’t leave Jay’s mind, however—he might be thinking about it for the rest of his life.

What’s weird though, is that the other two are smiling like they wanted this to happen. They seem to have a knowing look in their eyes when they look at Jungwon, and Jungwon seems… scared.

However, Jay acts clueless. He doesn’t want to know.

“I am,” Jungwon says. His voice is trembling like an earthquake. “I don’t know what was different this time.”

And Jake starts laughing. Through the giggles, he says, “I know what it was! Heeseung, can you believe it?! I’m a psychic!”

As seconds pass, Jay continues to grow more worried about whatever they’re saying. Jungwon himself looks mortified, face beet red, and does his best to explain himself.

“Nothing happened!” he assured. “Like I said, I have no idea what was different. Let’s just get to the road again.”

They all start down the stairs like they did back at Jay’s apartment, and when they get to the office, Jay hangs back to hand in the keys. Jake stays with him, antsy and excited.

“Have a good day,” the woman says. They start back to the car.

Jake waits a few seconds before he asks a question. “Did you sleep in the same bed last night?”

Jay blinks. How did he know that? He turns to Jake, eyes squinted. “I don’t think it’s that important,” he replies. “Why do you even want to know?”

He groans. “Because you two need to fall in love!” A hand slaps over Jake’s mouth and his eyes grow wide. “I… wasn’t supposed to say that. Forget I said anything!”

Then he runs off to the car and jumps in the passenger seat, effectively calling shotgun. Jay’s left in the dust, eyebrows furrowed and mouth hanging open.

Fall in love? Do those two know something?

They can’t know, he decides. They didn’t know each other in high school. There’s no way they know what happened back there.

Besides, he’s never told them. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.

When he makes it back to the car, everyone is silent, which is almost scarier than it would be to hear them joking. Jungwon puts his earbuds in and effectively ignores the rest of them, yet he looks over for a second to smile at Jay.

It’s not an awkward smile, like he caught Jay staring. Something about it said, thank you for staying with me last night. Jay doesn’t want to get his hopes up, but maybe Jungwon missed him, too.

The spark Jay felt when he first saw him has grown its roots back into Jay’s heart. He does his best to ignore it.

“We’ll be at the beach in two hours,” Heeseung says.

From the passenger seat, Jake glares at him. Heeseung looks back to the road. “…But first, we’re going to that arcade. Jake will kill me if we don’t.”

It’s only now that it clicks in Jay’s head. Arcades, beaches. All the places he took Jungwon when they were still together. He finds it a tad bit strange that Jake’s plan involves so much of what they did, but it could be a coincidence like everything else probably has been.

Keyword: probably. He knows Jake likes to meddle in people’s love lives.

"I’m blowing all my money on the claw games,” Jay declares as if nothing happened. The others look at him like he has two heads, but he responds with, “not all my money. That’d be too much to carry out.” He winks.

Jake ignores his quip and turns to Heeseung. “Start driving, Heeseungie.”

The car starts down the road again and everyone quiets down. Maybe, Jay thinks, this trip won’t go as bad as he expected. And if last night is anything to go by, it’ll end up miles better by his standards.

He cringes at himself and shakes the thought out of his head. He really needs to get over high school.

About ten minutes later, they pull into a parking lot marked by a glowing neon sign that reads, “Starlight Arcade.” Jake and Heeseung jump out of the car quicker than Jay can blink.

"Hurry up or we’re leaving you behind,” Jake shouts. He’s already at the door. How fast did he run?

Even though he only knew Jungwon back then, it reminds him of high school. There’s 8-bit style music playing in the distance—like their first date. Jay knows he has the same idea because they look toward each other, sad yet resigned. Jungwon breaks eye contact and walks through the doors.

It’s bright and there’s the smell of pizza lingering in the air. Claw machines line the front, yet despite his comment earlier, he’s drawn towards the racing games.

Jay looks up to claim a partner only to find that Heeseung and Jake have disappeared, leaving Jungwon in their place.

“They left to find DDR,” he says after reading Jay’s face. “Pretty sure they saw a couple of dance pads online when they were looking at this place.”

A smile creeps up on Jay’s face and he laughs. “Well—since they’re god knows where, wanna race me?” Jungwon laughs back.

“Oh, you’re going down!”

Regrettably, Jay does end up getting beaten, pretty bad. He leans back in the chair in defeat while Jungwon giggles and teases him. “How’d you only get to the second lap?” he asks between breaths.

There’s a pout creeping onto Jay’s face when he says, “You know I’ve always sucked at these.” The moment between them is light and airy, and for once, nothing is pushing at the back of anyone’s mind. Even though they’re in college, it feels like they’re back in their high school selves, and the glint in Jungwon’s eye says it all.

It’s only when Jungwon looks away that Jay holds up more tickets. “More games?” he asks.

Jungwon doesn’t answer. Instead, he walks off, dragging Jay by the hand with him.

For a while, they bounce around several different games, never settling down to just play one. Their scores for wins are tied until they eventually find a karaoke game hidden in a corner, and Jungwon grabs the microphone.

To say his voice is beautiful is an understatement. Jay’s left in awe as he watches Jungwon hit every note. By the time he’s done, he gets a 98.

“Beat that,” he says. There’s a spark of light in his eyes.

Jay doesn’t end up in a tie with Jungwon again. Before the song ends, he sits the microphone back down and says, “alright, you win.”

Jungwon hums. “Since I win, you need to buy me a slushie.”

“Won, you had one yesterday—“

“Don’t care,” he chimes. It sounds dangerously close to flirting. “You’ll get me one anyways.” He states it like a fact.

And maybe it is—Jay doesn’t hesitate to start walking that way. The grin on Jungwon’s face turns to a satisfied smirk as he trots along. “You’re easy,” he says, so quiet Jay wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear it.

Either way, he agrees. He’s always been easy when it comes to Jungwon.

The thing is, he’s only supposed to get one slushie. Turns out, it’s burning up in the arcade, and Jay wants the flavor labeled ‘ocean waves.’ Jungwon eyes him and laughs.

“Couldn’t resist, huh?”

“Weird flavor,” Jay replies. “My lifelong goal is to try every one.”

Another smile blooms on Jungwon’s face. “I know.”

They get about halfway down their cups before they decide to switch and drink each other’s instead. Jungwon uses the excuse of “I want to try yours, what does it even taste like,” but Jay has a feeling that’s not the real reason. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to hear the truth.

It’s quiet for a moment before Jungwon says, “…this is just blue raspberry.”

“You can keep it then,” Jay says, laughing. “I prefer cherry, anyway.”

What they didn’t know was how purple their tongues would be by the time they finished it all. Jungwon catches a glance and starts cracking up.

“I think we messed up,” he giggles. “Oh my god, your tongue—“

Two pairs of silent footsteps creep up behind them. “What did you two do?” one of them says, and now it’s obvious who it is.

Jake gasps. Jungwon’s face is now one of horror.

“Jake, no—“

“Did you two make out?” Jake asks, ignoring his plea. His smile is as wide as Jay’s eyes are the moment the words reach his ears.

What the hell?

He looks at Jungwon, who currently has his head in his hands and looks like he’s on the verge of a breakdown. “Jake.” His voice strains around his words.

“No?” Jay finally offers. “We just switched drinks.”

There’s a pause. Jay uses the moment to fully turn around, and it looks like Jake’s brain is trying to catch up. Heeseung is as normal as ever.

And by normal, his face pretty much reads I’m not buying your bullshit.

“…Okay,” Jake responds. “Well, Heeseung and I are gonna try to win something from the front. Have fun!”

Just like that, they’re off, without a word to spare. Jungwon still looks mortified, looking up with his face beet red. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“Don’t be. I don’t even know what happened.”

Jungwon sighs. “They’re just being weird, trust me.” And it makes Jay laugh.

“When aren’t they?”

This time, both of them laugh. It’s been so long since they were comfortable around each other enough to let their guards down, and Jay savors every second of it. Sometimes he forgets how much he still likes Jungwon.

But, of course, he won’t say it out loud. He’ll take it to his grave, as is with all things Jungwon-related.

Once Jake comes back with a stuffed panda in his arms, they all decide it’s time to leave. Jay wants to get back to another hotel room so he can sleep somewhere nice again, and none of them are arguing with him.

When they get back to the car, Jungwon isn’t talking again. Jay wonders what’s going on in his brain sometimes.

He knows better than to ask, however. The last time he did, he was left heartbroken, and he doesn’t want to think about it.

An hour goes by in a flash, mostly due to staring out the window listening to music. It’s one of his high school playlists called your love is a forest fire. Jay remembers making it. Jay remembers listening to it thinking of Jungwon.

And if that’s what he’s doing right now, it’s only for him to know.

Jake has fallen asleep again in the passenger seat. He’s snoring, holding on to the panda Heeseung got him. Probably pretending it’s Heeseung, Jay thinks. Those two are… something. Something that should be contained within their relationship alone.

Jungwon’s still awake; that’s not surprising to any of them. He has his headphones on, too—but instead of looking outside, he’s looking down at his own feet. His expression looks somber. Jay wants to hold him in his arms again.

That thought gets pushed away as soon as it arrives. He refuses to let himself live with heartbreak and yearning. He’s grown since then, and so has Jungwon. They could both be different people by now.

Another hour passes and he starts seeing the scenery change and smelling the salty air of the sea. Jake is wide awake now, rambling on about how excited he is, and Jungwon’s put his phone away in favor of watching the trees pass.

Heeseung pulls onto another road and a hotel appears in the distance. The salty air is stronger, and the ocean is finally visible—it feels like the actual vacation has finally started. Maybe this time, Jay will get his own room.

Of course, he’ll use it to work on things that don’t actually matter, and Jake will probably drag him away to the outside. He regrets not packing more sunscreen than he did.

The car pulls up to the hotel and he starts wondering how Heeseung managed to afford it. It’s bigger than the ones around it, and each floor is accompanied with several balconies. The inside is clean when they go in.

However, the receptionist only hands over two keycards, like the motel worker handing over two keys. Jay’s heart stops in his chest. Not again, he thinks.

It seems Jungwon has the same idea—he’s looking over towards Jay, but his face is unreadable this time. Whatever happens, Jake and Heeseung will not give up sharing a room. Jay’s resigned to his fate.

It takes a few minutes to get to their floor from the elevator, and when they do, the doors finally open up to a hallway with just a few rooms lining the sides. He and Jungwon got handed the card for room 716, at the very end.

But maybe fate is on his side after all. The door opens, and there are two pristine beds, each a queen size, blankets perfectly made. If there’s a pang of sadness in Jay’s chest, he ignores it. There’s also a full-sized kitchen, a bathroom the size of his entire dorm room back at college, and a balcony overlooking the ocean.

He steps outside to feel the breeze on his face. Despite his internal battle with emotions, it feels… nice. He’s calm.

And he’s still calm when the door opens and closes again behind him. Jay doesn’t have to turn around to know who it is; Jungwon always smells like strawberries.

“I’ve always loved the beach.”

Jungwon’s voice is quiet when he says it, but when Jay turns around, his eyes are loud. They’re turned towards the blue-tinted horizon, watching the waves in awe. Jay’s watching him.

His voice is strained when he says, “I know. I took you to one back in DC.”

The laugh it pulls from Jungwon resembles the splashing of the waves. “I can’t believe you agreed to that. It was winter.”

Jay shrugs, and maybe now he understands how you can fall back in love so easily. “You had fun,” is all he says. Jungwon turns his head around. Their eyes meet.

All he offers is a quick, “maybe we can have more fun here,” before he goes back inside.

Everyone spends the rest of the day unpacking before they meet up again for dinner in Jake and Heeseung’s room at nine that night. The hotel provides it all; Jay gets a burger, Jake and Heeseung both get noodles, and Jungwon gets chicken wings.

It feels like any other night out with friends. They’re eating, talking, joking around. Yet, for some reason, Jay can’t stop thinking about him. He can’t count the amount of times he takes those stolen glances you hear about in books. He can’t keep his eyes away from Jungwon’s lips, knowing how they once felt against his. He wonders if it’s any different.

“Jay?”

A voice snaps him out of his stupor, and he blinks up at Heeseung, who looks worried. “Hm? What is it?”

Now that he’s responded, Jake laughs. “What planet were you on, dude? We’re all done eating.”

He looks down at his own plate, and it’s noticeably empty. So is everyone else’s, and yet he was… thinking about Jungwon. Jay’s starting to pick up on a theme with his own brain.

“Oh,” he says out loud. “Um, are Jungwon and I going back to our room?”

Jungwon meets his eyes again, and this time he swears he can feel that spark. “If you want to,” he says to Jay, ignoring the others.

The prospect of being alone with Jungwon again makes him feel something he can’t place. It feels something akin to fear, but maybe the turning in his stomach is instead butterflies, just hatched from their years-old cocoons.

Instead of using his voice, Jay nods. He doesn’t trust it not to break.

He’s lying down in bed now, and it feels colder without Jungwon to hold him still. Jay can hear him tossing and turning in the other bed. He can also hear the crash of the waves, but it does nothing to soothe his racing mind. After that night at the motel, he needs Jungwon again, as much as it pains him to admit.

But then he hears something move. It’s been about two or three hours, and the other bed creaks. There are footsteps tapping against the floor, around his bed and ending in front of him. When he opens his eyes again, Jungwon’s standing there, looking at him.

“Jay?” he asks, voice trembling. Just the sound of it activates the most protective parts of him, and he darts up.

“What’s wrong, Jungwon?” Jay’s hands almost reach forward to grasp his, but he stops at the last second. Self-control, he thinks to himself. Even through the veil of night, he can see Jungwon shake. Yet Jungwon says nothing. “…Are you okay?” he adds, trying to get a single word out of him.

It’s silent enough to hear the crickets outside. Silent enough for Jay to almost miss what he says.

“I can’t sleep.” It’s barely even a whisper.

The implications of his words don’t sink in right away. They fade into silence again before Jay finally realizes why he’s standing there.

“Oh,” he says, quiet. After a few seconds in silence, he moves over to the other side of the bed to let Jungwon lie down. Jay watches as he pulls the blankets over himself and adjusts the pillow to cradle his neck.

When they both fully lie down, they’re facing each other. Even in the dark, Jungwon’s just as beautiful, and his eyes shine with the light of the moon through the balcony behind them. His eyelashes bat against his flushed cheeks.

“Is this weird?” Jungwon asks like Jay’s going to kick him out. Like he doesn’t want to reach over and cradle Jungwon’s face in his hands.

“No.” The words come out as soft as he can make them. “’S not weird. It’s nice.”

Whatever Jay thinks will happen next is entirely subverted by how bright Jungwon smiles. “Goodnight,” he says, and then he rolls over.

It isn’t the weirdest thing that’s happened to Jay, but it’s up there. Sometimes he feels like he’s never truly gotten a grasp on Jungwon, or that he’s never fully known him inside and out. He feels a pang in his chest, because has he ever truly known him? Even when he’s been head-over-heels in love?

He knows he shouldn’t spiral, not now. But his head keeps chattering on about high school, and all the weird quirks Jungwon had that Jay never found the answer for. All his weird expressions, and how he never found what they meant.

Has he ever loved Jungwon the way he thought he did?

There are a million questions racing through his head when he feels a hand, gentle against his shoulder. He looks over, and Jungwon’s looking at him again, brows knitted up in a worried expression.

Jay opens his mouth. Nothing comes out.

Neither of them say a word, even when Jungwon pulls him in, wrapping his arms around Jay. His face is in Jungwon’s chest, and he’s trying his best not to cry. It’s hard to put into words how much you’ve missed something until you have it again.

Even now, his mind is still racing, and he thinks Jungwon can tell. He doesn’t speak another word, yet he starts humming—it’s an old tune he can’t place. Maybe he heard it from his mother first when she sang him to sleep.

Not too much later, he starts drifting off. The humming has become distant, like he’s listening through a wall. His eyes are too heavy to keep open, so instead he lets them shut. Something about the softness in Jungwon’s touch leaves him drowsy.

There’s nothing left to think about. Instead, he stops clinging to consciousness and lets himself fall.

The next morning, Jay wakes up in Jungwon’s arms.

Neither of them moved from the positions they were in the night before; instead, it’s like they became impossibly tangled on an atomic level. Jay finds his hand in Jungwon’s hair. Strands of it are wrapped around his fingers.

Although, it seems he was the last to wake up. He hears the faint tapping of Jungwon’s fingers on his phone, probably scrolling through Tumblr.

When Jay untangles his hand from the hair wrapped around it, Jungwon looks down at him. “Oh, good morning,” he says. There’s a slight surprise in his voice. He pulls away and takes his phone with him, and Jay almost whines at the lack of touch. God, he’s pathetic.

“Morning,” he mumbles back.

“How’d you sleep last night?”

In all honesty, he slept better than he ever has. All he says is, “good.” Jungwon smiles at him. That bright, sunny, genuine smile. Jay’s heart thrums in his chest.

Then the door opens, and Jake can only get one word in before he gasps. “Um. Sorry,” he stutters. “Heeseung and I are going to get breakfast. Let me know if you guys wanna come, too.” The door shuts. There’s nothing left in the room except silence.

It stays that way until they go back to Jake and Heeseung’s room and laughter fills the space. Neither of them notice Jay and Jungwon until they finish laughing and look up at the two of them. Jake gestures to the two other plates.

“I got your food,” he says. The look he holds on his face is… strange. Like he knows something Jay doesn’t. And it stays there until they sit down, until Jake looks over at Heeseung. Heeseung mouths something Jay can’t understand.

He decides to ignore it. It’s the first full day of their beach vacation, and he wants to enjoy it. Enjoying it, by Jay’s standards, means reading while sitting on a towel. He hates sand, and he’s brought several books.

Not to mention the food he wants to eat. There’s a restaurant nearby that makes some damn good Italian.

When they finish eating, Jake says, “go back to your room and change, we’re going to the beachfront!” Heeseung nods in agreement.

Of course, Jay is planning on taking a book. He doesn’t like the water—he’d rather relax in the shade and get lost in another world far away from his own. Recently, he’s been working on reading House of Leaves, so that’s the one he grabs when he’s dressed.

Jungwon is the next to get dressed. When he walks out of the bathroom, Jay’s heart almost stops. He doesn’t have a shirt on. Instead, he’s holding a bottle of sunscreen, looking at the floor. “Can you help?” he asks, meek. “I couldn’t get my back.”

And obviously, Jay would be a fool if he said no. The muscles on his back are firm, yet his skin is so soft that he almost wants to ask Jungwon what he does to achieve it. Cold sunscreen glides over his skin like a knife cutting paper.

Jungwon whispers “thanks,” when he’s done. "Sorry, I just—“

“Don’t apologize.” Jay smiles at him. “Come on, let’s go before they come looking for us.”

The beach is beautiful. There’s a line of rocks more towards the land, but past that, there’s white sand that meets the pretty teal water. Jungwon and Jake go running for it, but Heeseung stays back with Jay to set up the towel and umbrella.

“Thanks,” he says once it’s all done. Out of his backpack comes the book, and Heeseung snorts.

“Dude, we’re at the beach.”

“Doesn’t matter to me.” The bookmark sits beside him as he starts reading something about a guy getting fingered for the first time. What the fuck?

Heeseung takes the book from his hands and puts it back in the bag. “No reading at the beach.”

Somehow, he knew this would happen, so it doesn’t make him as angry as it should. It only makes him annoyed.

All the annoyance melts away once he looks ahead, though.

Jungwon’s smile could put the damn sun to shame. He and Jake are splashing around in the waist-deep water, and Jay can hear their laughter from the shore. It brings a smile to his face to know Jungwon’s having fun. He likes seeing Jungwon have fun.

And the feelings—the ones he’s had since high school—are still there. He knows that for sure now with the way his heart flutters.

When he looks away, Heeseung is looking at him, face yet again unreadable. There are a few moments of quiet before he says, “what happened between you two, man?”

Jay looks down at the sand in front of him. “Too much.”

Heeseung sits beside him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “I got time. Tell me the story.”

“You know we dated in high school, right?

“He was my world, dude. I mean it. When I asked him out, I was on cloud 9. Jungwon… he meant everything to me. We went on dates, and I thought we were gonna last forever. I took him to arcades, beaches… hey, did you and Jake know this?”

“…Maybe,” Heeseung giggles. “Go on, finish it.”

Now it’s his second time thinking ‘what the fuck?’ In the span of ten minutes. Regardless, he continues.

“Anyways, he loved it. I gave him everything I had. He gave it back. We were in love, at least I think we were. Then…” His heart sinks to his stomach. “Then my aunt moved away. Moved to California.”

The look on Heeseung’s face is one of confusion. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“I think that was the beginning of the end. It was so gray outside, like it was about to pour down on me. Of course, I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Until a few weeks later, he was acting weird, so I asked him, and he started crying and telling me he was moving to Vermont.” Jay takes a breath, tears filling his eyes. He remembers that day so clearly.

“He told me we couldn’t be together anymore. The distance was too much for him. I pleaded for him to stay, but… his mom already bought the house, and he was leaving the next day. I don’t think he told me a word after that.”

“…Dude,” Heeseung says after a few seconds. “Holy shit. I’m sorry.”

Jay laughs, more to himself than anything. It all feels so far away now, yet somehow like yesterday. “It’s alright.”

Heeseung looks away, but keeps talking. “Do you still have feelings for him?”

In the water, Jungwon’s neck deep. The wind blows his damp hair across his face, and he sputters for a moment. He’s still attractive, no matter what he’s doing. Jay feels like he’s drowning in the same ocean with no one to save him.

When he takes a breath, it’s one of thorns that crackle in his lungs. “I think if I answer that, it’ll be like digging my own grave.”

Jungwon’s turned the other way now, eyes towards the oceanic horizon, and Jay wants to mouth love me. Every ounce of love he feels is flooding his lungs like blood. Maybe he’s dying. Maybe it’s all a dream, and he’ll wake up in bed back home, and it’s just hoping. Maybe he hopes he can see Jungwon again.

A pinch to his arm tells him he’s wide awake. He’s awake, and Jungwon’s ahead of him, still smiling that same smile he remembers from high school. Heeseung gives him a look of pity he isn’t used to seeing.

“I’m sure he still loves you,” he whispers, but Jay doesn’t believe it.

He still doesn’t believe it when they get back to their own rooms that night and Jungwon crawls into his bed again, the other one going untouched. He doesn’t utter an excuse—in fact, he doesn’t say a word.

Jay thinks about having to leave Jungwon again and his heart sinks. Even though they’ll only be twenty minutes away this time, he’s reminded of Jungwon leaving for Vermont. It’s a cruel sort of feeling that burrows in his heart. He can’t sleep.

His eyes well up with tears. Jay doesn’t want to go back; not when he can stay here, right next to Jungwon. He needs to stay here. Fuck, even thinking about it has him crying. Why is he crying? High school was so long ago, yet the wound is still fresh. It’s leaking bright red.

“Jay?” comes a whispering voice. A hand follows suit, crashing against his cheek like waves on a shore. “Jay, are you crying?”

He sniffles but says, “no,” even though he knows Jungwon can feel the tears against his fingertips. They’re gently wiped. His hands feel like cotton.

“You’re crying,” he says. “Come here.”

Yet again, Jungwon pulls him in until he’s curled up against his chest. Whatever was holding him back from full sobs is gone now; he can’t stop crying. A hand combs through his hair while Jungwon whispers, “it’s okay, I’ve got you, cry all you want.”

And he does. He cries like it’s the only thing he knows how to do because right now, it is. It comes in waves but always goes with a whimper. He cries until he can’t anymore; until the only noise he can make is one of defeat.

“What happened?” Jungwon asks when he’s done.

Instead of answering Jay stays silent. It’s less to protect his dignity and more to protect his own heart.

“I need you to tell me,” Jungwon says again. “Come on, I want to make it better.”

Something holding him back finally breaks. All his words flood out like the water behind a broken dam. “God, Jungwon, you still mean so much to me, I—I can’t escape you. No matter what I do, I feel like I still—“ he takes a shaky breath and swallows, “—I still care so much. I care about you. And I think I always have.”

Now that he’s stopped talking, Jungwon has stopped moving. He’s frozen solid; even the hand in his hair has paused its movement.

“I’m sorry,” Jay adds through more falling tears. “I’m so, so sorry.”

For the second time, he feels like it’s over. Everything he knew is gone, and it’s him alone, standing in front of a behemoth he cannot face. He can’t face it alone. Not again.

“Jay,” says Jungwon, finally speaking after a minute. “Oh my god, did you ever think I stopped loving you?”

The world tilts on its axis, tossing Jay around. Somehow the implication of it hits him first. I never stopped loving you. His breath catches in his throat and he almost starts coughing as he chokes, “what?”

“You always meant the world to me.” It’s said through tears that aren’t his this time. “I broke my own heart that day, Jeongie. I shattered it.”

He wants to make sure. “So you still—?”

Both of Jungwon’s hands cup his face in a way that almost brings him to tears again. He’s so gentle with everything. “Yes. I love you, so much.”

Jay beams, bright as ever. “I love you, too,” he says. “God, Jungwon, I love you so much. You are my everything, you know that?” He laughs around his words, and they’re touching noses now. The moment is filled with so much emotion that he’s breathing it out.

Jungwon’s face is wet but it’s undeniable that he’s happy. That smile. “I missed you,” he sobs. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it earlier.”

“This is perfect,” Jay says. “It’s perfect. It doesn’t matter now.”

Instead of saying anything else, Jungwon kisses him. It feels so familiar, yet it fills Jay with a feeling so foreign. It’s sweet like two lovers greeting each other after a long trip apart. Maybe that’s exactly what it is. There’s no desperation, only love. They laugh into each other’s mouths.

“I love you,” Jungwon repeats. “I love you, I love you.”

That night, like the last, they fall asleep entangled with each other. There’s no fear. No awkwardness or holding back. Just two boys in love and enjoying every moment, even though they’re asleep.

There’s no fear the next morning when they wake up together. None when Jungwon presses a kiss to Jay’s forehead and greets him with a good morning. They don’t untangle until Jake comes to get them for breakfast again, and they don’t act awkward when they’re caught.

They know they’ll have the rest of their lives to experience loving someone, even if they don’t say it out loud. It’s said enough through the amount of times they tell each other I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

It’s like a spoken poem upon blank skin. I love you.