Archive of Our Own ^beta

Turning thirty meant Kaveh’s friends all came together to celebrate with him. They rented out Lambad’s for the night and held a party of sorts there.

Usually, Kaveh wouldn’t be so accepting of people going to great lengths for him as he would feel guilty for not being able to fully reciprocate the effort given his current financial situation but his friends were insistent in holding celebrations.

The night was fun and Kaveh didn’t even get that drunk by the end of it despite all his friends indulging his alcohol obsession for the night.

Even though his life might not be ideal, he’s truly grateful for his friends. With all that he’s got going on financially, it’s nice to know he has people who genuinely care for him, people who want the best for him.

He also has to be thankful for his improving relationship with Alhaitham.

Just a year ago the two of them could barely hold a conversation without arguing or bickering with each other. It even became common for people around the Akademiya to speak about their relationship. You wouldn’t believe how terrible their relationship is some would say. Kaveh wouldn’t say everything is resolved but ever since the Interdarshan Competition there has definitely been a clear improvement. He no longer feels that Alhaitham had some ulterior motive in allowing Kaveh to stay with him and Alhaitham has surprisingly become a lot more tolerable in that he no longer throws jabs at basically everything Kaveh does and now works with Kaveh in a way that somehow began to make their house a bit more like home. For both of them, Kaveh likes to think.

So, all in all, Kaveh had multiple things to be thankful for.

He only really had the time to reflect on all this on his birthday. That day was a moment of peace, it seemed.

It was probably boring of him to spend half of his birthday celebrations thinking about the ups and downs of his life instead of fully immersing himself in the celebration but he was overcome by love and appreciation for his friends.

And yet, his birthday also reminded him of the aspects of his life that made him completely and utterly miserable.

Towards the end of the night nearly the entire group was drunk, save for Alhaitham, Nilou and Collei. But that meant Tighnari and Cyno and Dehya and Candace were drunk. With them being couples that meant that they became more and more touchy with each other.

Kaveh thinks that’s where it began.

He remembers a moment where Dehya sat herself down on the seat next to Candace, drunk as hell and bottle in hand, before she went to pull Candace closer so she had better access to pepper short, loving kisses to her neck and shoulders. He remembers the mock irritated look Candace gave Dehya before cupping her face and pulling her in for a kiss. He remembers the lovestruck look on their faces, a look that he’s heard about in all sorts of romance stories and a look he’s seen on multiple of his clients who wanted houses built for their partners.

There was a point in the night where Tighnari and Cyno got drunk enough to loudly proclaim their love for each other as if nobody knew they had been in a happy relationship for years. They both laughed together about how they were basically Collei’s dads and how they should just get married to make their family unit official. At some point, Tighnari began laughing along whenever Cyno would tell his jokes— something that nobody else had ever done. And, god, the looks they would give each other made their love so loud and true.

Then there was Kaveh.

The oldest out of all his friends and in a worse situation than all of them.

He holds no anger in his friends’ relationships— that would be horrible of him. He’s overjoyed for the happiness of his friends. Seeing his friends find and be in love was beautiful to witness. But seeing all that meant he is reminded how alone he really is. He has single friends, yes. Collei is still young and had her whole life to explore romance, Nilou isn’t interested in romance at all and Alhaitham is single (unless that man is hiding some lover from Kaveh but he doubts that is the case). He knows he doesn't need romance to be happy; Nilou is more than happy and she has no romantic partner there to help improve her life. He assumes Alhaitham is also happy but he’s also technically married to his books so maybe he doesn’t completely count.

Anyway, romance was not needed for happiness in life.

But Kaveh so desperately wants it.

It’s a wish that most probably had; experiencing a love that’s all-consuming in the best way possible, being on the receiving end of heartwarming love declarations or confessions, a relationship that grows and flourishes for all time.

He never referred to himself as a hopeless romantic but it seems that it’s becoming a reasonable label to put on him.

He rarely thought of things such as this before his thirtie birthday— it was meant to be a day of celebration but in reality it felt like a wake up call which showed him just how depressing his life had become. He’s thankful for what he has with his friends but that doesn’t stop the worry of having completely lost any chance at finding a partner to settle down with and enjoy a quiet, fulfilling life with.

He hasn’t spoken to anyone about how he’s feeling. He doesn’t want their pity and doesn’t think he could even admit to the desperation he’s fallen into.

He doesn’t think he could admit to praying that true love will appear on his doorstep all of a sudden, couldn’t admit to dressing up whenever he goes out in hopes of catching someone’s attention enough that they begin to fall for him. And he can’t admit that he holds out hope that maybe when meeting with a client he’ll experience something as unlikely as love at first sight.

But it’s all in vain.

Because who would want him? Who would have him?

He’s a mess— broke and a borderline alcoholic who lives in another man’s house. And the other man just happens to be someone who Kaveh has the most complicated relationship with because nothing can be simple for him.

It’s not like he’s completely undesirable or something like that. He’s been complimented countless times during his life about his looks with some calling him handsome, some calling him beautiful. He’s intelligent and holds a real passion for his work. His past partners must’ve found his personality enthralling enough to be romantically involved with him, so that’s something.

But he can’t pretend that his good qualities will outweigh the many reasons why someone won’t fall in love with him.

Thirty isn’t an ancient age so maybe he’s worrying over something unimportant but he’s so scared. Thirty is still young. He has time. The gods may take enough pity on him to send him a partner who truly loves him with all of his qualities, the good and bad.

He’s had experiences in relationships, he’s felt the rush of romance overtake him before but those relationships don’t hold up to the truest love he knows exists. A past partner making Kaveh feel butterflies during a first kiss could never rival the simplest look of adoration that Tighnari gives Cyno. He used to think he knew what love was, used to think he’s had experience in love but after seeing true love like that, he knows he hasn’t experienced it and now all he can think about is how he might never experience it.

The desire to have someone who he’s just destined to be with gets stronger by the day but he has to live his life without any signs of that person existing. He’s repeating himself, but he doesn’t know what else to think about, can’t distract himself.

Best thing to do is find Alhaitham, get annoyed by something he does and then Kaveh is miraculously distracted from his thoughts. Momentarily.

Yeah, life is getting really depressing.

“Are you and Cyno gonna get married, then?” Kaveh asks Tighnari a few days after their bit of declaring their marriage.

Tighnari coughs lightly, “Oh, um, we were both drunk then but— maybe. I’d like to. And, this might sound presumptuous, but I think he’d want to as well.” He smiles when he’s talking and blushes after just talking about his partner.

Kaveh now also has to worry that he’s no longer able to function as a person— he fixates so strongly on the idea of love, obsesses over the things love does to people and lives through the love he can see after being devoid of it for so long.

He also has to worry that he’s a failure of a friend. Just at the mention of a potential wedding between his friends— his best friends— he allows a few seconds to mentally celebrate for his friends’ happiness and the rest of the time to be selfish. He thinks about how he’s going to survive seeing a wedding between two people he knows are very much in love. Lord, he’s going to break out into tears if he hears any heartfelt vows.

He’s being so extremely selfish and he doesn’t know if he can even stop it.

So, he just nods along instead of forming a proper response for Tighnari.

“I know the storybooks say that you’re meant to be worried about whether your partner would want to marry you, but what do the storybooks really know about love?” Tighnari goes on to say.

“A love that transcends romance stories.” Kaveh smiles while mentally being in awe. Oh, the things he’d give to have a love like that. But this moment isn’t about him. “Question is, am I gonna be your best man or Cyno’s?” He teases. He may be feeling bad for himself but he’s still going to prioritise his friends and their happiness.

“Mine. Obviously.” Tighnari says with no hesitation and Kaveh hugs him.

He’s able to push through his own self pity when it comes to his friends but he’s not strong enough to hold that sentiment for clients.

There was an occasion where Kaveh met with a man who was engaged to his long term partner but he kept complaining about his partner and about how his freedom would be restricted once he’s married and ‘forced to be domesticated’. The man told Kaveh, maybe as a joke, that relationships were torturous but Kaveh didn’t care much for the joke and instead told the man he was taking love for granted and pulled out of helping him.

He begrudgingly told Alhaitham about what happened after Alhaitham asked him why he was acting off after returning to the house, expecting Alhaitham to tell him he let personal feelings sabotage his financial benefit but was surprised when instead he supported Kaveh.

“Love shouldn’t be taken for granted.” He agreed and Kaveh almost fell off the sofa after hearing Alhaitham actually agree with him on something.

“Yeah, it shouldn’t.” Kaveh replied quietly.

Alhaitham would then go on to say that Kaveh should still have done enough of the job to be paid for his efforts but having him agree with anything was good enough for Kaveh.

That conversation sparked up Kaveh’s interest into how Alhaitham viewed love.

“Have you ever been in love?” Kaveh asked Alhaitham one day. Alhaitham was brewing some coffee in the kitchen while Kaveh was sketching a drawing of a home for a newly married couple he met with earlier in the day. Another way Kaveh is tortured by love.

Alhaitham turned around, gave him a puzzled look before answering. “Yes.” Then turned back and didn’t elaborate.

That encounter made Kaveh wonder about what would happen if Alhaitham got into a relationship. Eventually he and his partner would want to live together so what would that mean for Kaveh? A year ago Kaveh would have thought that Alhaitham would kick him out but he’s now aware that he didn’t give him enough credit. Now, he’s fairly certain that Alhaitham wouldn’t kick him out in a scenario such as that but his pride wouldn’t allow still living in that house while Alhaitham and some faceless partner of his begin attempting to make that place a home. The idea of it was next level humiliating— his current situation is already humiliating but if this scenario were to become a reality he might just go and try his luck with living in Lambad’s or something.

Then after wallowing in more self pity, Kaveh began wondering just who Alhaitham’s been in love with. It’s curiosity. It’s natural. It’s more selfishness. He wants to know if Alhaitham has felt the type of love that Kaveh craves so deeply. He wants to know if someone has felt love like that towards Alhaitham. He wants to know if yet another one of his friends was lucky enough to experience romance like that.

He wants to know and yet he doesn't pry any further. Didn’t think he could bear hearing about it.

But he still wonders— who managed to get Alhaitham feeling something as strong as love? Does Kaveh know them? Maybe not, there were a few years of separation between the two of them where Alhaitham could have fallen in love so perhaps Kaveh doesn’t know them.

He begins to feel nauseous when he thinks too hard about Alhaitham marrying some faceless stranger with him being forced to watch. Wants to cry when he thinks of Alhaitham getting to live with someone he’s madly in love with instead of being stuck with Kaveh.

He’s a bit more sane when he thinks of hypothetical weddings for his other friends. Maybe because Alhaitham is different to the rest of them in ways that Kaveh doesn’t know how to describe. It’s infuriating, sometimes, when Kaveh is reminded that the only person who truly knows him is Alhaitham. He wonders if that goes both ways.

Anyway, Kaveh gives it a month before Alhaitham picks up on what’s gotten him so depressed. Then, he expects that Alhaitham will tell him he’s wrongly determining the quality of his life by his relationship status. Past Kaveh would then get drunk and complain about him to his other friends but he doesn’t know what present Kaveh would do. Maybe he would actually listen to what Alhaitham said.

Hm.

A week into being thirty and Kaveh is commissioned by an engaged couple to design a house for them. In an effort to not have a mental breakdown upon seeing a couple in love, Kaveh works up the courage to meet them before making his journey over to the cafe they agreed to meet at.

“Well, we’ll need a room for music. That’s for sure. She just plays so many instruments.” The man smiles, offering a loving look towards his bride-to-be.

“Mm, and a big study for him. I’d rather his papers don’t mess up the rest of the house.” She smiles back, nudging his arm with her elbow playfully.

It’s all just too sweet.

“How many bedrooms?” Kaveh asks, making a bullet point list of all the requirements they’re laying out.

“A master bedroom and, well we are planning to have kids in the near future so maybe 4 bedrooms? One for us, two for our future children and another as a guest room?” The man— Amith says.

“Definitely. As long as we can afford that.” Niya responds.

Kaveh allows them to continue to speak as he notes down all the details they want in their home.

“If you give me a few minutes to come up with a sketch, I’ll see if you have anything more you want to add or change before I go to work on proper blueprints and such?” He asks them. They both nod and buy themselves and Kaveh some tea.

“I can’t believe this is really happening.” Amith says in awe as Kaveh begins his sketch.

“Who knew we’d finally get here.” Niya teases, bringing a hand up to caress his cheek.

“How long have you been together?” Kaveh asks just to hold up the conversation, refusing to look them in the eye in case he catches one of those looks of love that always make him feel uneasy.

“Since our time in the Akademiya actually.” Niya answers.

“Yep. Akademiya sweethearts.”

Kaveh needs to stop meeting with couples.

“Never knew the Akademiya could brew up relationships that actually last.” Kaveh lets out a small laugh.

“Bad experience with romance in the Akademiya?” One of them asks, Kaveh doesn’t pay enough attention to who.

“Hm? Oh, uh, romance for me during my days there wasn’t anything special really. A few relationships here and there.” Honestly, he doesn’t remember much of his romantic relationships from his time in the Akademiya. Most of his memories about his Akademiya days are taken up with Alhaitham so it’s hard to remember much else from those times.

“Love catches people out at various times.” Kaveh hums along in response. He doesn’t relate but he doesn’t want to show how miserable discussions about love gets him right now.

“Ah okay, here’s a small sketch: it’s nothing special but just tell me if there’s anything you want changed.” He turns his sketchbook around so they could catch his drawing.

They both beam when they see the drawing.

“It’s perfect!” Niya exclaims in delight, reaching out to trace her fingers over the design.

“Don’t change a single thing. You’ve managed to capture exactly what the two of us want.” Amith and Niya smile at each other in happiness. Kaveh’s heart warms seeing their reactions. He likes it when things like this happens.

“You have such a romantic vision. Even your sketch shows a true understanding of love.” She compliments and Kaveh isn’t too sure how to respond to that one.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” He rubs his neck awkwardly and drops the book down in front of them so they can take it into their hands to inspect the drawing even further.

“Are you married?” The man asks.

“No.” Don’t cry.

“Are you romantically involved with anyone?”

Don’t break down. “Sadly not.” He says.

“You should be. You deserve it.” Niya gleams and Kaveh wonders if they’re beginning to pity him.

So he makes up some excuse about how he has to leave but assures them that he’ll come up with some more designs for their home. They give each other quick glance, maybe in confusion or regret but Kaveh wasn’t focused enough to notice which.

Anyway.

He knows this is getting ridiculous. Maybe he doesn’t cry when seeing a couple together, but he does feel his heart drop, crack or shatter whenever seeing romantic affection. It’s stupid. How could he be so negative in regards to other people’s happiness?

Maybe he should trust that faith would bring him someone but he feels like he’s waited for too long already. Maybe if he put himself out more he’d be more successful— he hasn’t really been going out to taverns or bars to find a date or anything, he mainly just goes to meet up with friends.

Which is what held doing now. He’s at Lambad’s, as he usually is on a Friday evening. Playing TCG— he’s losing spectacularly but it’s okay because Alhaitham is also doing terribly. Cyno looks as if he were in love with the cards and Tighnari looks as if he was hiding any jealously he felt as Cyno caressed those cards with some strange affection.

Once Kaveh loses he goes to buy himself a drink— his first of the night, mind you. He isn’t planning to get drunk tonight and he’s sure he can uphold that plan.

While he’s waiting for his drink, someone approaches him.

“Fun night planned?” Some guy, possibly in his thirties asks. Kaveh takes a moment to respond; he had zoned out for a moment and isn’t sure whether the man is asking him or someone else the question. Once he realises the question is aimed at him, he puts on a weak smile just for some pleasantries.

“Here playing TCG with friends. You?” He sounds painfully bored but he had a long day of working so yeah, he’s a bit tired.

“Just here for some fun. I have some friends around here somewhere but I thought I’d get a quick drink.” Kaveh notes him slyly moving closer.

A bartender comes round then to give Kaveh his drink and Kaveh smiles at the bartender as he takes the drink into his hands.

“Your hair is… I don’t think I’ve ever seen hair this luscious and gorgeous before.” The man says in awe as he stares adoringly at Kaveh’s hair.

He takes a sip of his drink while looking at the man. He’s attractive, Kaveh can’t deny that. He’s been in this situation enough times to know that the man is subtly (or maybe not so subtly trying to hit on him). Kaveh doesn’t particularly mind, though. He likes it when other people make the first move when it comes to pursuing him.

“Nice.” Is Kaveh’s response. God, he sounds so boring. After spending a decent amount of time recently crying over nobody showing interest in him, the least he could do now, when someone is actually showing interest, is to sound a bit more into it. Mayb his skills are rusty or something.

“I’m attracted to you.” He states simply and Kaveh almost finds it funny how this man is carrying the whole conversation because Kaveh just completely forgot how to flirt.

“Oh?” Kaveh smiles. It’s been so long since he’s experienced anything like this.

“You look incredible.” He moves closer. “Pretty. Handsome.” Kaveh blushes at that. Not exactly because of the man in question but because he likes being referred to as both pretty and handsome. Normally people strictly refer to him as one or the other and there isn’t really anything wrong with that, but he likes it when people see him as both.

Kaveh doesn’t really know what to say in response so he just goes with, “Nice hair.” He knows he could have come up with something better— he’s experiencing a stroke of luck with some good looking man come up with him with initiative and yet he sounds so inattentive.

“I know.” Bit presumptuous but oh well. “So…?” He questions and Kaveh isn’t sure where he’s going with this.

“Buy me a drink?” Oh, how is he meant to keep the conversation flowing naturally.

“You have one already.” He points out.

“Another can’t hurt.” He shrugs.

“Why don’t we skip that?” He reaches forward and encases his hand around Kaveh’s which’re cupping his half-empty glass. He moves his gaze back to Kaveh’s eyes with a suggestive look.

Ah. That’s what he wants.

Kaveh looks at their hands and then back at the man. “So fast?” He’s not interested in hooking up with anyone tonight and, honestly, he’s never really interested in one night stands or casual hookups. Maybe it was his love for romance stopping him.

“I’m not complaining if you’re not.” Shrugging, he gives a small smile to Kaveh. “So… fast?” He proposes but Kaveh stands firmly on his beliefs.

Kaveh sighs while pulling his hands out of the man’s grasp. “Uh, sorry. But no.” He says defiantly and maybe he’s getting defensive out of nowhere but he can’t help but feel stupid for thinking that maybe he struck romance gold when some good looking stranger approached him and complimented him. That’s what basically everyone who’s looking for hookups at bars do so maybe Kaveh shouldn’t be shocked that that was this man’s motive as well.

“Wha— I thought you were into it?” The man looks confused. Oh, Kaveh should’ve just gone back to his friends straight away instead of indulging this at all. It’s not this man’s fault— just misread signals. So he doesn’t get unnecessarily angry at the man himself and more so at himself and the universe for baiting him with the thought of romance.

“For a bit. But I’m not interested in hookups.” Maybe that makes him look boring but, for him, a night of physical intimacy and pleasure isn’t enough. He wants an emotional connection and relationship with someone as well. Plus, his friends would judge him if they found out. Also he has the whole not actually having his own house problem so he can’t exactly bring anyone back otherwise Alhaitham might fine Kaveh for bringing company over or something. And the alternative, if Kaveh were to spend the night with someone else, Alhaitham would probably berate him for that somehow.

“Oh,” His face falls as he understands, “I’m sorry for the… mixed signals?” He doesn’t really seem to know what to say but Kaveh tells him it’s fine or whatever before leaving to go back to his friends.

He doesn’t know why but he feels a tear fall down his cheek after he leaves the scene and immediately wipes it away before he gets to his friends again. The effort is in vain because a couple more tears have cascaded down his face by the time he gets into their vision. Wow, he’s gotten so sensitive.

“Kaveh.” Tighnari says with worry. “Are you okay? Did something happen?” He makes a move to stand up but Kaveh wipes away the tears and waves him off.

“I’ll be fine. I just wanna call it a night now.” He offers them a smile but pauses when he looks at Alhaitham.

Alhaitham has yet another unreadable expression on his face and Kaveh almost laughs at how he may never be able to fully understand Alhaitham’s body language.

“Goodnight.” Alhaitham says to Tighnari and Cyno before standing up. It takes a few moments for Kaveh to gather that Alhaitham is most definitely going to walk back with Kaveh.

“I’ll see you guys soon.” Kaveh sniffs. He hopes he managed to convince his friends that he’s just fine because his reasons for not being fine were borderline pathetic. He refuses to allow those looks of pity to come into fruition.

Tighnari offers him a small see you soon! but before Kaveh turns around to leave with Alhaitham, he sees Tighnari and Cyno share puzzled glances with each other. Maybe he’ll just tell them he was fed something spicy enough to bring him to tears. That sounds believable enough and less humiliating still.

“What ha—“” Alhaitham starts but Kaveh isn’t going to be that willing to answer him so quickly.

“Ate something spicy. You know how I get when I'm overloaded with spice.”

“Lie.” Alhaitham says with no hesitation.

Kaveh scoffs. “And just why do you think that?” He sounds a bit too defensive as he speaks which isn’t really helping his case and is probably why Alhaitham gives him a that’s why look.

He expects Alhaitham to keep pestering him or annoy him into spilling everything but instead he continues walking, going extra slowly so Kaveh can catch up easily.

“Huh?” Kaveh mutters to himself.

“I thought you wanted to call it a night. Did you really change your mind that fast?” He sounds vaguely annoyed but it somehow made him less annoying to Kaveh.

“I don’t understand you.” Kaveh sighs as he walks to catch up with Alhaitham.

Alhaitham narrows his eyes and stares at him for a good awkward second before speaking, “At least I don’t fabricate lies blaming spices for my misery.” And suddenly Alhaitham is back to being annoying.

“So why do you think I’m upset, then?”

“Are you honestly returning the reason behind your sadness to the main topic of conversation? I’d have thought after you decided to make up some unintelligible lie that you would’ve wanted to not talk about it so I refrained from continuing that discussion. Did I read the situation wrong?” Kaveh feels regretful; sometimes he worries that he’s too frantic or all over the place which results in Alhaitham having difficulty understanding him.

He knows Alhaitham sometimes struggles with interacting with others, specifically in understanding the tone of a conversation or how to appropriately respond to people. Alhaitham has told him previously that he finds it easier to interact with Kaveh compared to others simply just because of him having spent masses of time with him but he still occasionally struggles. It used to be worse when they first began living together because their communication skills with each other were six feet under but Kaveh can proudly say that now, things had definitely improved.

“No, no, you didn’t read the situation wrong. I’m sorry. I’m being ridiculous. I guess I’m just being overly sensitive tonight.” At least he’s being honest here. Initially he was deeply opposed to letting Alhaitham know absolutely anything into why Kaveh’s been miserable for the past few weeks and this specific cause of his misery was going to undoubtedly going to make Alhaitham look down on him. But he’s also curious on what Alhaitham would say. “Since you just have to be so damn perceptive and saw through my lie, I might as well just tell you.”

Alhaitham scoffs next to him. “That was hardly perceptive. Your lie was simply just weak. In addition, I was able to understand that you were upset.”

Kaveh ignores the jab at his lie, choosing not to bicker with Alhaitham anymore and, instead, laughs. “Getting better at reading people, are you?” He jokes.

“No. Just you.” He replies simply and Kaveh finds his heart warm by that admittance.

“You’ll think it’s silly.” Kaveh says, maybe as a way to stall the moment where he spills out his pitiful reasons for being upset. He thinks he says it mainly so that Alhaitham will know that he is fully aware how ridiculous he is being.

“I thought it was silly when you bought all those keychains thinking that you’ll somehow improve the lives of struggling children in Sumeru while knowing that Sumeru does just fine on it’s own to manage children in poverty.” Alhaitham looks amused and that was enough for Kaveh to whack his arm. Alhaitham only looks more amused. “The point was— I think you’ve done numerous ‘silly’ things but after all of them, I’m still here, aren’t I?” Alhaitham says in what must’ve been the softest voice Kaveh’s ever heard. Distant thoughts of how Alhaitham is so intrinsically intertwined into Kaveh’s life come rushing back into the front of his mind.

Kaveh fails to repress the smile that makes its way onto his face after hearing Alhaitham’s words. “I guess you are.” He agrees.

There’s a few moments of silence after that but it feels peaceful in a way.

“Are you planning to leave me in suspense for much longer?” Says Alhaitham after he probably thought the silence went on for long enough.

“Just a, um, disclaimer— it’s honestly nothing serious and I know I’m getting worked up over nothing so uh, try not to judge me too profusely.” Alhaitham doesn’t give him a verbal answer and, well, Kaveh isn’t really surprised by that. He gives a go on look which isn’t a perfect response but Kaveh’ll take it.

The house is nearby but just long enough for Kaveh to let Alhaitham know the most surface level reason for why he’s upset currently. Also, if Kaveh needed to, he can run into his room the second they reach the house.

“So, back at the Tavern when I went to get a drink this guy came up to me and, well, I guess he flirted with me? I think that’s the best way to describe it. Oh, this is such a pointless thing to be upset by—“

“Kaveh.” Somehow Alhaitham cutting him off and just saying his name was enough to assure Kaveh it was okay, that Alhaitham was still willing to hear it despite how pointless it might be.

“And I was kind of responding in turn. It was all a silly misunderstanding, really. I thought he approached me because he was interested in me and, um, he was but not in the way I thought. I thought he wanted to ask me out but all he wanted was to sleep with me. I honestly should’ve seen that coming because that’s normal for people at bars but, I don’t know, I got my hopes up I guess.

I told him I wasn’t interested in that sort of thing— you know, like casual sex or one night stands— and he respected that but didn’t have any other intentions with me other than that. I think I was just upset by getting my hopes up for a relationship and also because I completely misread the situation.” He rants and hopes that Alhaitham doesn’t think he’s too pathetic. He specifically leaves out the extra I’m so worried, so scared that nobody will be interested in me enough to want to have a proper relationship with me, I’m terrified that people would only ever care about being physical with me, I fear I’m going to live my whole life not experiencing true love.

“I’ve also been stressed because of work so that might have factored into my little crying fit, as well.” He offers feebly, trying to save grace after Alhaitham stays quiet.

“Do you know how many times I’ve misread situations?” Alhaitham asks instead if spitting out a wallowing over something as insignificant as this is a waste of your time, and by extension, mine.

“Huh? Oh uh, well I know you sometimes—”

“I do it often, don’t I?”

Kaveh sighs, “Yes but there’s nothing—”

“—Wrong with that?” Alhaitham looks smug as he finishes and Kaveh can’t even be annoyed by it.

“Well, yeah.”

“So did you truly think I’d look down on you for getting upset after misreading a situation?” Moments like this, which are becoming frighteningly more frequent, further break down any of Kaveh’s previous interpretations of Alhaitham being this robotic character.

“I-I don’t know. I really don’t consider you to be that shallow but— I just thought you would think there’s no point in getting upset over something like that.” Kaveh stutters out and he’s not sure if it makes any sense.

“Rarely is there any point in getting upset as it’s unlikely to get you anywhere but that doesn’t mean it has to immediately be pointless. There can be a midpoint or a halfway point, can there not?” Kaveh can’t believe he used to think Alhaitham was a terrible person to go to for advice before. “I think you were justified for getting upset after getting your hopes up for something and then realising you misread the situation. Even though I haven’t experienced that specific interaction, I don’t see it as something that you should be ashamed of being upset over.”

“So you think I'm in the right?” Kaveh smirks just as they reach the house. He crosses his arms expectantly, waiting for Alhaitham to pull his keys out. He does this partly just to be annoying and partly because he has no idea on if he even has his keys with him currently.

“Even you know that this particular situation doesn’t have anybody in the right or not.” He shakes his head while unlocking the door.

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for hearing me out, Alhaitham.” He sees a smirk make its way onto Alhaitham’s face and before that bastard can even get his mouth open to say anything, Kaveh speaks up again. “And no, I am not repeating that another two times to satiate your desire for earnest thanks to be given thrice!” He adds but he begins to laugh before he finishes his sentence and that allows Alhaitham to look at him with the most infuriating grin imaginable.

Kaveh finds his heart warmed by it, though.

And thus, Kaveh was spared from his depressive thoughts about eternal isolation. He has to give thanks to Alhaitham for managing to somewhat unknowingly distract him from thoughts that try their best to drown Kaveh in them.

Alhaitham, after getting a glass of water for himself, retreats into his room and so Kaveh lets himself stick around in the living room. There’s a pile of letters on the coffee table in front of the sofa and the letters are a mix between being labelled to Alhaitham or him. When Kaveh first moved in, he never checked through the mail— not that there was much in the first place— as nobody knew he lived here at first but now that it somehow became more common knowledge, he finds that now they have to sort through the mail to find out who’s whose.

Most of the mail addressed to Alhaitham is from the Akademiya which Kaveh supposes is sent out to all people who are in employed in positions of importance in the Akademiya but he doesn’t think they’re important enough for Alhaitham to actually spend his time reading. The rest of the mail is likely mail sent in the hopes of trying to scam him into giving some money to whatever cause or investment they’re advertising.

Kaveh’s mail consists mainly of clients, occasional letters from the Akademiya (although not the same as Alhaitham’s Akademiya mail), art supplies, construction tools or anything he might need for his line of work and letters his mother sends him from Fontaine.

As he’s sorting through the mail, he sees an invitation from the engaged couple who commissioned him to help design and construct a home for them once they got married. They’re inviting him to their marriage and Kaveh lets a little laugh out thinking about just how they knew to send the letter to this address. They’re a lovely couple and even though they evoke this response in Kaveh that makes him feel like he’s going to be sick, he has to go. The wedding is pretty soon and the home that they commissioned Kaveh for won't be nearly ready by the time the wedding is done but they state in the letter that they managed to schedule a long honeymoon which seems to be more than enough to finish designing and constructing the home.

Kaveh makes a mental note to reply to the letter tomorrow when he has more energy. Also, he doesn’t want to spend the entire night in self-pity after thinking about their love, their true love.

Selfish, or whatever.

Alhaitham is always quick to point out that Kaveh is selfless and often puts the needs of others over himself. To this day, Kaveh still doesn’t agree with Alhaitham’s ideologies and this is fully reciprocated but at least Kaveh could feel like a good person if he was selfless. Now, he feels so incredibly selfish. He was meant to be selfless. Even though that trait of his would often cause harm to himself, at least he felt good to others.

Just where did his altruism go?

He continues checking through the letters, separating them into two piles. One for him and one for Alhaitham.

As he nears the end, he sees a letter addressed from Fontaine and immediately takes it into his hands. It’s a letter from his mother, obviously. He quickly opens up the envelope, promising that once he reads this letter he’ll go to bed.

My dearest son,

How is life treating you, my boy? Life here is stagnant, I’d say; there’s not much for me to share. Oh, I feel like such a bore!

Of course, I miss you terribly. Although I have Henri to keep me company, I do hope that we can make a trip to Sumeru soon or.. maybe you could come here!

How is your work going? You mentioned in your previous letter that you were designing a retirement home with some other architects, yes? I hope that turned out well! I fear I haven’t been doing much construction lately (don’t tell anybody from Kshahrewar about this!), although Henri and I did recently build a few birdhouses in our garden. I think he’s showing commendable improvements in his woodwork! We are both now very invested in naming each species of birds that come into our garden and despite there not being as much species richness as there is back in Sumeru, this activity is something I, and Henri, have come to enjoy.

In truth, I feel balanced in life. This domesticity brings true peace and, even though the journey was tough, I feel peaceful. So you don’t need to be worried about me, Kaveh. Henri is a wonderful partner, as you know, and he’s also looking forward to seeing you again soon!

How is Alhaitham doing? I still have yet to meet this ‘infuriating’ roommate and yet I have heard so much about this young man! I was delighted to read your last letter and be told about how your relationship was improving and that living with him has become easier! I hope you both haven’t been feuding still, he sounds like a genuine friend of yours (no matter how complicated and even if you might deny it).

You know, Henri was joking around the other day about how one of these days I’m going to receive a letter from you telling me that you have fallen deeply in love with someone and found yourself a partner for life. He said that soon enough, I’ll even get an invitation to your wedding and I truly think I might collapse if I was ever given the confirmation that my baby boy found someone to spend his life with and lead a life full of happiness. You deserve nothing less and I’m sure you are drowning in romantic prospects because who wouldn’t love someone as darling as you?

I hope you don’t feel pressured to find someone, I’m just merely saying that I’d be overjoyed if you found someone you feel hopelessly devoted to because, from experience, the serenity life brings then is absolutely wonderful!

Please, tell me any and all life updates and

I love you, my darling boy.

From, your loving mother.

Once Kaveh finishes reading the letter he begins tearing up, it feels similar to how he’d react after he first received letters from his mother and he was overcome with emotions during that time.

He supposes that maybe he shouldn’t get this emotional or upset because his mother is technically giving him hope. She and Henri both seem so certain that Kaveh is going to find love and they’re both so excited for it. She also says there’s no need to feel pressured, only that she wants Kaveh to feel that type of love. Lord, if only she knew how much Kaveh had spent the past few weeks of his life fantasising over that very prospect or how much he desires it.

Serenity. Kaveh wants that in life. He wants to continue working on his passions, and wants his partner to do the same. He wants to know that he has a safe place at home with his partner, wants to build a safe haven with them, wants to have someone who enlightens his life in the most illuminating way possible.

Once again, he’s happy that so many people in his life have found love. His mother and her husband. Tighnari and Cyno. Dehya and Candace. He thinks there’s also something going on with Sethos and that Hat Guy? He’ll have to check the details on that later. Love is truly one of the most beautiful gifts to exist and he knows that his close ones graciously accepted that gift and are forever thankful for it. And he so desperately hopes that it’ll finally be him who gets the gift of love. Preferably sometime in the near future or he might just go insane.

Maybe he can see that as enough for now.

But he doubts it.

How is he meant to spend his whole life only getting to hear about true love without fully understanding or experiencing it himself? How much longer can his heart be warmed by only reading romance stories? Will people pity him when he reaches old age and still have no one he’s devoted to?

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to be tinkering away on any projects tonight.” Kaveh flinches out of shock as Alhaitham walks out of his room, now in his nightwear, holding a now empty glass of water. He almost laughs again at how Alhaitham somehow manages to unknowingly stop Kaveh from thinking about this love thing too much.

“Just sorting through the mail, don’t worry. That’s your pile.” He gestures to the pile of letters next to his.

Alhaitham walks over, picks up the letters and quickly scans over where each letter came from and then, with no hesitation, walks over to the bin and throws them all away. Kaveh watches in shock.

“They’re all unimportant.” Alhaitham says, probably to stop Kaveh looking so shocked.

“You get away with far too much.” He sighs but Alhaitham looks devilishly smug after hearing that remark. “My mother sent me a letter. She asked how you’re doing. So, how are you doing?” He likes it when his mother asks how Alhaitham is doing because then that gives him a free pass to ask how he’s doing and get a small glimpse into his mind.

Alhaitham picks up a book he left on the counter and carries it over to the couch where Kaveh is sitting. “I’m well. I believe she recommended a book for me to read in her last letter, yes? Let her know that I read it and found it just as enjoyable as she said I might.” Kaveh laughs— he didn’t ever think that his mother and Alhaitham would casually recommend books for the other to read but he somehow got here.

“I think my mother wants to meet you.” Kaveh announces, waving the letter around. He’s thankful that Alhaitham does try to make a move to grab it.

“That’s nice.” And Kaveh can tell he’s not opposed to it.

“I think she’s also waiting for me to settle down with someone.” God, he doesn’t know why he said that.

“Is that what you want?” Alhaitham asks.

“Maybe.” He replies. If he was being a bit more honest the answer would’ve been YESSS!!! but he refuses to let Alhaitham know just how disappointed and depressed he is with his lack of a romantic partner. Their conversation earlier was enough dipping into that topic for now. “But uh, not right now because, well— I’m not exactly in the best financial situation and I’d rather allow myself to get more stable in that aspect before trying to uh, settle down.” He’s being vaguely honest here. He does want to be financially stable before settling down but that doesn’t mean he can’t still be in love currently. It’s unrealistic for Kaveh to find someone who has absolutely no problem with his current situation. But he’s strong enough for his hope to hold out a bit longer.

“Right.” Alhaitham says shortly. His answer doesn’t really say much but then again Kaveh doesn’t know what he could’ve really said in this situation.

“Do you want to settle down?” Kaveh asks in the hopes of maybe understanding Alhaitham a bit more.

Alhaitham raises his eyebrow but answers anyway. “Yes but in the sense that I want a quiet, reliable life. And I can achieve that life in multiple ways. I believe that I can settle down with myself and my books. Settling down with someone else depends.” Kaveh waits for Alhaitham to continue, thinking he has more to say but instead he goes silent afterwards.

“Depends on what?” Kaveh asks eagerly.

Alhaitham blinks at him then shrugs.

“Come on, Alhaitham! You can’t leave me on that cliffhanger!” Kaveh sighs dramatically while Alhaitham sits up, still holding his book and decidedly not looking at Kaveh.

And that was that.

Spiralling.

That’s what Kaveh did after that night.

He has the day off today and Alhaitham is at work so he’s even more alone than he normally is.

Luckily, even though they had two conversations dancing around the topic, Kaveh managed to not let Alhaitham know that he’s essentially praying for a soulmate.

Regarding the first conversation— he didn’t expect Alhaitham to sympathise with his situation that much but he’s grateful that he was. He also notices that Alhaitham focused more on comforting (?) Kaveh for misreading the situation. Now, Kaveh was upset by misreading the situation but he was more embarrassed by that. Really, he was mainly upset that he wasn’t approached by someone who wanted a real relationship with him. Was upset that the first time in ages that someone tried to hit on him wasn’t made in an attempt to date him. But Alhaitham had no way of knowing that. He doesn’t know whether that’s good or not.

First thing in the morning, he wrote his mother a letter back.

He tells her about his life, his work, lets her know that Alhaitham is doing well, tells her that he loves her and he very much does not say anything about any romantic prospects for him.

He decides to do some tidying as the house was looking a mess with Alhaitham’s books everywhere and Kaveh’s sketches everywhere. God, they truly do make a messy pair. It would be a miracle if either of them could manage to bring a potential romantic partner home to this place. Kaveh doesn’t even think he’d be allowed to bring someone over. Alhaitham would probably berate him endlessly if he so much as had dinner with a date or something here.

Of course, Kaveh would also get annoyed if Alhaitham were to bring some stranger home for a date or um, anything else. He doesn’t need or want to think of that.

But apparently it depends on if Alhaitham wants to find a partner or spouse to settle down with.

Honestly, just what did he mean by that?!

And wandering off while Kaveh was still speaking to him wasn’t exactly the nicest thing either. Bitch move.

Trying his luck, he attempts to guess whatever he meant by that.

Could Alhaitham simply just be unsure of whether he really wants that life? That’s probably not it because it seems he’s thought a decent amount on what he would need to be happy in life and he didn’t discount a partner as something he doesn’t want.

Maybe he’s very picky with his type and is unsure whether he will find someone who fits whatever criteria he has. That sounds a bit more plausible. Alhaitham is pretty picky and Kaveh wouldn’t be surprised if there was a very small number of people who fit into his very specific type.

Or maybe he’s thinking like Kaveh is— maybe he thinks that he’s lost any chance for romance and doesn’t think he’ll be lucky enough to be in love. He doesn’t think that’s likely because just what reason does Alhaitham have to think that he won’t find love? Alhaitham is objectively attractive with a flawless physique, there’s no denying that. He’s incredibly well off in life with a stable job and Kaveh personally knows just how appealing that has to be. He’s also very intelligent and although not everybody is interested in their partner’s intellectual side, he does have to commend Alhaitham in that aspect.

Then again, Alhaitham can be one of the most irritating people in existence, so probably knock off a few points for that. But Kaveh supposes that he’s definitely going to tone down his annoying side when he’s around someone he’s in love with, right?

Kaveh laughs lightly, thinking about a future occurrence where he witnesses Alhaitham stutter and blush around his potential future partner. Despite the thought making Kaveh feel a bit uneasy probably because that’s just another one of his friends falling in love but also because there’s just no way some random stranger can come into Alhaitham’s life and turn him into some romantic, right?

There’s no way that someone will come along and just leave Alhaitham lovestuck. That can’t be possible. Not that Kaveh doesn’t want Alhaitham to be happy. It’s more in a I had to deal with him being insufferable for the entire time I’ve known him and yet someone new comes along and gets the best version of him despite the fact I’ve seen all sides of him. Is that jealousy? It probably is. In a way.

He’s not letting any future partner of Alhaitham live the luxury of not seeing that man at his worst.

Because, yes, he’s seen Alhaitham at his worst. Someone who appears as stoic and calm as Alhaitham may not seem like the sort to even have a ‘worst’ or even ‘best’ but Kaveh is pretty sure he’s seen Alhaitham at his worst. People may also think that Alhaitham is always at his worst with the way he interacts with others sometimes but that isn’t Alhaitham’s worst, that’s just his normal self. Nobody else knew the Alhaitham that Kaveh had fallen out with back in the Akademiya so therefore nobody else has seen his worst. He’s certain, however, that he hasn’t seen Alhaitham’s best. It goes the same the other way round. Alhaitham has seen Kaveh’s worst and ugliest side, a side that not even his other close friends have seen but he hasn’t seen Kaveh’s best. If Kaveh even has a best side. Hm.

Wondering about the topic still he comes to an idea that makes him want to throw up a little. Could Kaveh be a factor that determines whether or not Alhaitham gets to settle down with a partner or not?

He thinks about it: Alhaitham likely doesn’t see romance an option while Kaveh is still living under his roof and due to it being very unclear on whether Kaveh would move out anywhere in the near future, Alhaitham probably doesn’t see the option of him settling down with someone else as something that’s very likely right now. And Kaveh feels absolutely horrible about it. He knows full well how immense the desire for a lifelong partner can be so even the thought of him being something of a barrier to that prospect for Alhaitham makes him shrivel up in guilt.

Oh Lord, he’s going to start crying and thinking more and worrying that maybe he’s this major burden to the person he’s closest to.

Being in this situation just makes him feel helpless. He doesn’t want to be a burden, doesn’t want to do anything to get in the way of his friends’ happiness.

It’s pitiful. How he thought his life was travelling along on the best and most luxurious path when he first began working on the Palace of Alcazarzaray but instead everything had to fall apart. He thinks that his blunders and misfortunes regarding that project might just have sealed off any chance for the life he wishes for. Perhaps he’ll only get to access that life through dreams or by hearing about others’ experiences. It’s a depressing conclusion to come to but a feeble attempt at a compromise after having sealed his fate to this.

God, he has got to do something to slow his thoughts down.

So, a few hours later he’s wandering around Sumeru City with Nilou. He went out in hopes of finding her somewhere around the bazaar and, luckily, he did. She said she was going to be lounging around the city for a few hours and so Kaveh asked her if he could tag along. Nilou, the angel she is, said yes.

“Empty house felt too daunting?” She teases, bumping her hip against Kaveh’s.

“What? No! I just, I felt like I was going to start spiralling or something if I didn’t speak to someone. I’m just fine being in an empty house. Lord knows I don’t get to be in an empty house enough.” He argues. In the nicest way possible because he could never let his full argumentative side out with Nilou.

She pauses and looks at home, face full of concern. “Are you okay? Is it work? I’m happy to help if you want to talk about whatever is bothering you or making you spiral.”

Kaveh hesitates as he considers his options.

He can shrug it off and tell her it doesn’t really matter or make up some lie about him being stressed with a commission for work then he can get away with it easily. And his dignity stays intact.

But if he tells her, he can basically guarantee she won't tell anyone (if he were to tell either Tighnari or Cyno then it's likely the one of them would hear about it from the other or, if he swore them to secrecy, they’d still probably tell Alhaitham). Telling her may open up a chance for her to give him some advice. She can understand his situation a bit more than Tighnari or Cyno or any of his close ones in relationships. Despite Alhaitham being single, he’s more opposed to him knowing.

She gives him an encouraging smile and that’s all it takes for Kaveh to spill everything.

So he tells her.

Basically all of it.

“So, um, really this is all just because I’m so— lonely.” He finishes. She’s looking at him with this sweet but worried expression that almost makes him regret even saying anything.

“Oh Kaveh,” She pulls him in for a hug as Kaveh begins to tear up, “you’re going to find love, I just know it. It’s never too late. Plus, who wouldn’t love you? Please don’t think you’ve missed the opportunity to fall in love or that you’re unworthy of it. You deserve it and I’m so sorry that you’ve been worrying over this for so long, I— maybe I’m not the best person to give advice on this, I’m sorry I’m rambling.” She panics once she sees tears threatening to fall down.

“No, don’t apologise. I’m sorry I think I’ve become so weak whenever I think about this. Also, I’d hate to insinuate that someone can’t be happy in life unless they fall in love, I know that’s not the case but oh— it’s all so stupid!” He rubs his eyes before rubbing away any tears that came falling down his cheeks as a result of the previous action. “Please don’t pity me.” He adds.

“It isn’t stupid. Happiness is different for everyone and it seems that you’ve reached a stage in life where you want a partner to love and have beside you through life. That’s natural and I don’t pity you for wanting it or for worrying about whether it’ll happen or not.”

“I’m not even sure I’d be a good partner. I just feel like I might not even get the chance to see if I would be.”

“When the time comes, you’ll make your partner very happy.” She assures and for a moment he feels like he can believe it’s true.

“Thanks, Nilou.” He smiles at her. “I feel as though this has been all I can think about recently. I just need a distraction, I think.”

She looks around to think for a few moments. “Why not read some romance stories? I know you said you get uneasy around romance currently but aren’t books a good way of escapism? You can maybe live vicariously through the characters or storylines in books. Maybe it’ll distract you from worrying about the current lack of romance in your life.” She offers and at first the thought of reading about random characters fall in love makes him want to sob but… maybe Nilou had a point.

He was devoid of romance in his own life but could he maybe get that thrill through immersing himself in storybooks about romance?

Well. He’s just going to have to try and see.

So, after eventually continuing his walk around the city with Nilou, he rushes back to the house and bombards into the study. There’s still about an hour before Alhaitham is due to come back so he won't get any complaints for barding into his study (despite the fact the two of them basically share this study now).

Smiling to himself, he rushes to the romance section of Alhaitham’s books. He’s smiling and thanking the gods because the books are all still arranged as Kaveh had done them the previous week.

A lot of the books he sees under the romance section are incredibly long and he’d rather start off with a smaller one, so he picks out the shortest one he sees (the book is still extremely long) and reads the blurb. It’s some story about these childhood best friends who end up on opposite sides in a war. Hm, sounds interesting enough.

It’ll do.

He’s a few chapters in when he can hear Alhaitham open the door and he lets out an audible sigh at maybe having to take a break from the book as he’ll have to decide with Alhaitham who will cook dinner.

“Were you sleeping?” At first Kaveh wondered why Alhaitham sounds so surprised but then he remembers that he’s not exactly known for getting sufficient sleep.

“No. I was, um, reading.” He admits and it really shouldn’t be that shocking because he honestly does read books semi often.

“Reading what?”

“A book.” He answers, not sure what else he could’ve meant but then he realises that maybe Alhaitham wants to know whether or not he took a book from his collection. “Sorry, I found it in your study and took it to read. Is that okay?”

“As long as the book doesn’t receive any damage during the time it’s in your possession, I don’t mind.” Alhaitham shrugs. “Which one is it?” He asks out of curiousity.

“The childhood best friends one where they end up on opposite sides in a war.”

“Ah,” Alhaitham nods slowly.

“Does it have a happy ending or not?”

“Read it and you’ll see.” The bastard says. He’s smirking which doesn’t help him get any closer to an answer.

Turns out it has a sad ending— one of them had to kill the other despite the both of them still being in love by the end— and Kaveh has already spent the past half hour crying over the ending. It did distract him from his own loneliness and he wonders if maybe that’s why Alhaitham is so content with his life even though it may seem boring from an outsider’s perspective; he probably gets everything he’s missing in his own life from the various books he reads. Now that the book is finished, he doesn’t immediately plummet back into his spiral of loneliness but rather he thinks over the book.

Part of the reason he enjoyed it so much is because the bond between the characters felt genuine. Even though they were technically enemies at war, they still held this bond with each other throughout it all. Being childhood best friends hurt all the more because they just didn’t know that this would be their fate. They had no idea that, later on in life, they’d end up fighting each other with little to no choice in the matter. Despite the depressing nature of the book, he thinks that there was something comforting about it— the main characters had this closeness with each other that they very clearly didn’t have with anything else, like they were only ever made for each other.

That’s nice Kaveh thinks. To have there be one sole person in your life who has undoubtedly impacted your life in ways that you can’t even describe. To have there be one person who completely understands you, someone who knows not just how to make you happy but someone who’s not afraid to urge you to be a better version of yourself. Someone who just can’t be replaced, who just stands out from everyone else in your life, who you just know is your one and only.

It’s probably stupid of him to start obsessing over having someone like that when’s almost definitely lost the chance of having anything that’s vaguely similar to a partner like that. He’ll possibly have to settle for anything he gets (if he even gets that) but he can’t deny how appealing having someone like that is to him. Fine, maybe he is a hopeless romantic who wants someone who could classify as his soulmate. Or something hopelessly romantic like that.

A soulmate.

God, Kaveh wants someone like that, someone who completes him, someone who his life wouldn’t be the same without, someone who challenges him for the better, someone who’s his counterpart—

Wait.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, come on.

Yeah so, he hates Alhaitham now.

Because how dare that bastard be the only person who fits into Kaveh’s silly little soulmate criteria.

Right. So he’s going to kill Alhaitham.

Because this is just unfair.

No way did Kaveh just list all that criteria for an ideal partner of his just for the only individual to come to mind be stupid, stubborn Alhaitham. The only one who fits all of it as well. That little fucking bitch.

Okay, yes, Kaveh has kind of stated before that Alhaitham is the only person who truly understands him and how he has undeniably been intertwined in Kaveh’s life for many years now but he meant that in a ugh, it’s so annoying that person closest to me is this irritating friend I have and we have this kind of unstable friendship. He did not mean it in a oh, Alhaitham knows me better than anyone, he’s basically my one and only, my soulmate. Mwah.

But now that he’s seeing Alhaitham’s involvement in his life under a romantic light, he indulges in those thoughts for a few moments.

Ignoring the pain, annoyance and whatever else that entailed from befriending Alhaitham all those years back in the House of Daena, Kaveh thinks their story (no matter what lens you use to view it) is truly quite beautiful. Not nearly enough does he appreciate that. He tries not to most of the time. He’s not sure why.

But there certainly is some beauty in having someone who’s life is so intrinsically linked with his own. Even though he and Alhaitham have some ups and many downs which cause him to rarely ever see the good side of their relationship, it does exist.

Right. He has to stop here before he keeps thinking like this.

Update:

He is very unsuccessful in stopping to think like that.

It’s been a week and he has now somehow deluded himself into thinking that he and Alhaitham are essentially the perfect groundwork for soulmates.

Great, he’s actually going crazy.

And he knows it full well. He completely understands that it is not normal of him to take a platonic relationship of his and weave it into something of a drawn out romance story— something which, in reality, it very much is not. God.

So he’s never going to read a romance book again. Or any book for that matter.

Because now he has to avoid Alhaitham which is, unsurprisingly, very difficult when he lives with the man. Alhaitham is probably going to get suspicious soon and Kaveh should probably start coming up with excuses for avoiding him but he thinks that a simple I’m really busy with work will suffice. Recently he's gotten better at hanging around with Alhaitham despite whatever he may be thinking of the man but now?? Now, when he’s literally made Alhaitham into this love interest for him?

Wow. Kaveh is actually (and accidentally) making Alhaitham into his love interest. And all of this is happening just because he’s so lonely and single and depressed that he’s now selfish enough to use Alhaitham as if he were just a character to satiate Kaveh’s desire for some romance story spectacular or something stupid like that.

But now that he's thought about it, he just can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s unique and it has to be special. The two of them had such a casual meeting, one neither of them thought would lead to both of their lives being forever linked together in some way or the other. But it still started all of this. It’s funny, because as time goes on he regards their initial meeting as more and more significant whereas back then he didn’t really see it as anything noteworthy. Their meeting fits them so well, somehow. It wasn’t a perfect introduction to each other but then again, it was. He didn’t exactly have to pry to figure out what Alhaitham was like when he was immediately shown his bratty side from the very first moment and Alhaitham was also able to understand a decent amount about Kaveh from it. Doesn’t matter how short the actual meeting was.

So if they understood each other well from the first moment, their initial friendship just blossomed more. It was real, because they showed each other their true sides and were drawn to each other in some unexplainable way. Their fallout, no matter how much pain it brought, managed to help each other grow as individuals. While he still wishes he could go back in time and change what happened then, he knows that their relationship wouldn’t be the same without it and removing anything from his and Alhaitham’s story seems wrong.

Their years apart may make it seem as though they weren’t important to each other’s lives anymore but Kaveh knows he thought of Alhaitham more than just a decent amount during those years. Of course, he was still very mad at Alhaitham because of their argument but he still held appreciation for their close friendship while it lasted.

It had to be fate when Alhaitham saw Kaveh at that bar and offered his house to him. The stars must’ve aligned or something to make the two of their lives lock together in an embrace again. He can’t be who he is without Alhaitham and isn’t that exactly what he wants? Someone who is so valuable to the core of his life?

Now, the two of them are roommates and Kaveh knows for a fact that that is a… popular romance trope. Which just makes this all the more worse for him because he just can’t stop thinking about how perfect their story could be if there was any romance on top of their friendship.

It’s not like you have to fall in love with someone you’ve known for years, it's not like your partner has to have seen you through various stages of your life but the thought of having someone with you through it all, seeing you through it all and still wanting you makes Kaveh feel a bit weak.

And yet, no matter how much he’s deluding himself. Romance is not the nature of his and Alhaitham’s relationship and that’s the honest truth no matter how much he romanticises everything. Plus, he really shouldn’t be thinking too much about how their relationship, under different circumstances, could most definitely make a beautiful love story. It’s certainly not good for whatever relationship they do have. Can’t be healthy.

“So, did you finish that book you borrowed?” Alhaitham asks him one day as they’re eating dinner. Kaveh’s slightly taken aback because rarely is it Alhaitham to be the one to spark up a conversation or small talk during meal times.

“Oh, yes. Sorry I completely forgot to return it to your study, I’ll do that right after eating.”

“Doesn’t matter. As long as the book doesn’t get damaged I don’t mind where it is.” He replies.

“But organising books neatly reduces the chance of them getting damaged.” Kaveh points out and Alhaitham shrugs.

“Valid point.” He commends and Kaveh takes it as a win. “How did you find the book?”

“Are you going to judge me if I say I cried after reading it?”

“No.”

“Did you cry after reading it?” He wonders if Alhaitham has ever cried after reading a book. It can’t be that unlikely, right?

“No.” Oh, of course he didn’t because he’s lucky enough to not be a slave to his emotions.

“Obviously.”

“I didn’t see any reason to be sad when the love still continued despite one of them being dead. They loved each other till the end, correct? And the one who lived continued to love and cherish the other despite the other being dead. The story is already quite emotionally heavy with the characters significantly hurting each other while harbouring feelings for the other but the story is made more so with one of them dying. I’d say more weight was added to the story by all the emotion the author brought in.” Yeah, he just hates Alhaitham more and more because why is this man talking about that stupid story like this, talking about their love transcending time, hinting that it doesn’t matter that the characters hurt each other because they still loved each other throughout—

Fuck, he going to burn that book before he begins to romanticise another aspect of his and Alhaitham’s relationship.

“Bet you cried like a baby when you first read it.” He responds, not bothering to argue with Alhaitham on whether or not a book had a sad ending when one of the main characters literally died

Alhaitham’s lips upturn slightly before they flatten out again.

Proof enough.

Oh, Kaveh wants to cry.

He’s putting on an outfit to wear for the wedding of that couple who commissioned him to design a home for them.

Looking in the mirror, he’s confident enough in his looks to know he looks good but what even was the point in looking good when he has no one to actually look good for? Yes, he knows that he could just want to look good for himself but really, he wants someone there to appreciate his looks, someone who he wants to impress. God, he just keeps asking for more. Because although he wants someone to feel deep physical attraction to him, that’s not enough. He wants someone who’s equally emotionally and physically attracted to him. Wants someone who falls in love with his personality, with every side and aspect of him.

With standards this high, he finds it comical he hasn’t immediately spared himself the pain and given up on them.

Wow, he just can’t stop thinking like this.

He’s thankful that he made the decision to bring Tighnari along as his plus one to the wedding instead of Alhaitham because he genuinely thinks that if he hears the happy couple talk about how they were Akademiya sweethearts, Kaveh’s mind is going to start coming up with storylines where he and Alhaitham were Akademiya sweethearts or something like that. At least with Tighnari he knows that he is not going to begin romanticising their interactions.

Fuck, he genuinely sounds dangerous when he thinks about stuff like this.

How messed up is it for him to be unable to stop thinking of Alhaitham through this rose-tinted lens? Very. But Kaveh doesn’t need to be told that when he knows it well enough already.

Anyway, he is very thankful that it is Tighnari who is by his side when he enters the venue. The venue just happens to be the Akademiya and more specifically— the House of Daena because of course it has to be. Wow, he really can’t get even a moment's peace. He doesn’t know how much money this couple must have to afford renting out (and possibly bribing) the Akademiya.

It’s only a specific area of the Akademiya which has been cleared out for the wedding but still, Kaveh hasn’t exactly heard many stories of weddings in these walls. Something he does find funny is that the people who work on the side of the Akademiya where the wedding is taking place, were spared a day from work but Alhaitham’s work area isn’t affected by his wedding so he still has to come to work. And best believe that Kaveh laughed at him when he made his miserly way out the door early in the morning while Kaveh snuggled up in a blanket, coffee in hand with the knowledge that he won't have to leave the house until much later in the morning.

Tighnari still seems a bit sceptical and unsure of why he is the one Kaveh’s bringing and okay yes, under different circumstances he would’ve definitely brought Alhaitham with him but in light of recent events (and feelings), it is definitely for the better that Alhaitham is not here.

Whenever he sees a couple, he ignores them and looks away because he refuses to spiral and stumble over his stupid thoughts at a wedding of people he isn’t even close to. He can’t ruin anything for them like that. Can’t let his weak emotions get in the way of this couple’s happiness and perfect day.

“Kaveh! We’re so happy you could make it!” Niya exclaims after the main ceremony is over and the couple are free to talk a bit more freely to their guests. She’s dressed out in a red and gold saree with countless gold necklaces and bangles adorned on her. Her hair is tied up and chains of jasmine flowers are surrounding her hair. When Amith comes into view, Kaveh notices that he also has his mehndi done and it’s in the same design as Niya’s.

“It’s such a pleasure to be here, really. Oh— this is my friend, Tighnari. He’s a forest ranger! I know you said that I could bring someone with me so I dragged him away from his work to come here.” He explains while grabbing Tighnari to bring him closer.

“Ah, did you happen to be an Amurta scholar? It’s a very good Darshan, isn’t it?” Amith asks.

“Yes, I was! I find Amurta to be an excellent Darshan! My boyfriend thinks that Spantamad is better and this maniac is true to his love for Kshahrewar but I’ll never get behind either of them.” Kaveh does not think about how sweet it is that Tighnari can just casually bring up his boyfriend.

“My wife,” Amith wraps an arm around her waist as he brings her closer, “is under the impression that Haravatat is the best Darshan, I fear there’s nothing I could do to change her mind.”

Tighnari hums, “It seems people from Haravatat can be particularly stubborn, can they not Kaveh?”

Kaveh perks up after having zoned out for a bit too long, “Oh… yes.” He answers feebly. He doesn't need to think about Haravatat scholars and their stubbornness right now, thank you very much.

Tighnari narrows his eyes at him, possibly attempting to read him so as to understand his current attitude in the conversation. “A wedding at the Akademiya, though? Haven’t heard many doing that.”

“Well this place holds many important memories for us and I guess we’ve always been thankful of the Akademiya for bringing us together.” Oh, shut up the gods are actually plotting against him. That has to be it. Oh, he's going to be sick.

“So did you and your boyfriend meet at the Akademiya, then?”

“Yes, we did! We weren’t together during our time here but we did meet during our student days!” Tighnari seems so elated that he gets to talk about Cyno that it makes Kaveh jealous that he doesn’t have anyone to talk about like that. It only makes it worse when he and this, uh, unnamed individual would fit so perfectly into the discussion, if only they were a couple as well. Someone please stop him from thinking, seriously.

“Nevertheless, we wish the best for you and your boyfriend!” Niya says.

Tighnari gives them both a radiant smile. “Actually, me and him, we’re kind of discussing marriage right now. We’re not engaged or anything yet but we’re sure that marriage is a step we want to take. Soon.” Kaveh suddenly feels like an odd one out in this conversation.

“That’s lovely to hear! Gosh, we’ve only been married for like an hour and it already feels like so much. I hope you and your boyfriend get to experience it too!” She offers him a little thumbs up and Tighnari looks grateful as he looks at the couple.

“Oh, we should probably go say something to our other guests but it was lovely talking to you both!” Amith says, eyeing a few guests standing nearby.

“Yeah, sorry, but uh, Kaveh we’ll see you when we come back from our honeymoon! You have to come to our house welcome party once we get back. And, Tighnari, you’re welcome too— and your boyfriend. Also, Kaveh, if you’re in a relationship then you have to bring your partner along.”

Kaveh offers them the best smile he can muster up. “Of course!’ He gives a small wave to them as they walk off to talk to other guests.

“What a sweet couple.” Tighnari states once they leave.

“Mm,” Kaveh hums in agreement.

“Say, Kaveh, do you think you could design a home for me and Cyno for when we get married?” He’s not really asking seriously but Kaveh is more than willing to do that for them.

”Definitely. Unless Cyno doesn’t accept your proposal.” Kaveh teases and Tighnari slaps his arm.

“Shut up.” Tighnari mutters while Kaveh is snickering away next to him.

They both go to get some drinks and find a place to sit.

“Hey… did you always want to fall in love?” Kaveh asks once they’re both sitting down.

“Hm, I think I always just hoped that at some point in my life I’d find love and, well, I was lucky enough for that to actually happen. So, I guess that means I did want to fall in love?” Tighnari sounds so appreciative as he speaks and Kaveh can tell just how grateful he is to have found love.

“Aw, look at you being a hopeless romantic all your life so Cyno and all his jokes got chucked in your direction.”

Tighnari laughs and looks as if he’s in fucking dreamland when he continues speaking. “Gods, even though Cyno is… a character, I don’t know, I just— I feel way too much when it comes to him and we’ve been together so long that it really shouldn’t still feel so overwhelming but it does.” It can’t possibly be possible for Kaveh to sense the love radiating around him just from Tighnari talking about Cyno, but somehow he thinks it is.

The things Kaveh would do, the things he’d give up for someone to talk about him like that. Has he done something horrible enough that warrants him being forever punished by not having somebody love him like that? He must have.

“Soulmates.” Kaveh says, partially in response to Tighnari and partially just because he’s voicing what he wants. Oh, he’s actually going to start sobbing. He looks down at the glass in his hands to distract himself but instead he sees his reflection in the liquid and feels as if he's divining an incoming classic Kaveh meltdown because how can he just maintain composure while being surrounded by all this love that he’ll never have?

“Hm, I like the thought of that. Soulmates. It feels almost silly to refer to us as soulmates but, I guess love does make you feel like that—”

And Kaveh cuts him off by immediately bursting out into tears.

God, he doesn't even know why.

“Kaveh?” Tighnari asks; he's evidently and rightfully confused but he seems to conceal that for a moment as he prioritises Kaveh’s well being.

“I want that,” Kaveh probably whines, which should be pathetic— is pathetic but he just can’t care about that.

“Want what?”

Well, since he's already embarrassed himself enough he might as well just go for broke.

“A soulmate.” He sputters out while trying not to choke on his tears. He refuses to look at Tighnari who probably has some grand pitiful expression on his face already.

“Kaveh, where is this coming from?” He’s most likely trying to comfort Kaveh or, at the very least, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with him that’s causing him to break down into tears at someone else’s wedding but Kaveh’s so worried that he’s judging him or looking down on him for this. He can’t really blame him if he is but it’ll still pain him.

“You don’t get to judge me, Tighnari. You’re happy and domesticated and whatnot in your long-term relationship and I’m just depressed and lonely so you can’t judge me if I—” He’s moving around so frantically that he somehow manages to spill his drink on himself. He’s lucky that the colour of the drink mainly blends in with the colour of his outfit. A win where he can get one. Forget that the feeling of being drenched in any sort of drink is extremely uncomfortable.

Tighnari takes the empty glass out of his hands and places it on the ground away from both of their feet.

“I’m not judging you. I promise.” Well, he sounds sincere but who wouldn’t judge someone as pitiful as Kaveh? Kaveh scoffs in response and he feels terrible for it. He feels like a horrible friend— no good friend starts whining about themselves being single after hearing about their friend’s joy in their relationship. “I think we should leave here and then talk. Is that okay?” He’s sort of half hugging Kaveh now and it feels slightly awkward but he doesn’t think there’s a way this situation couldn’t be awkward. “Is Alhaitham still at work? We could go to his offices since its not far from here and maybe—”

Kaveh’s astounded that Tighnari even considered taking him to see Alhaitham in this state. Of course, Tighnari doesn't know about the whole ordeal of Kaveh being so desperate for a sign of a soulmate that he looked over his life’s story and rewrote Alhaitham as his soulmate slash counterpart but he does know that Kaveh is very reserved in allowing Alhaitham to see his vulnerable side. Something which is terribly ironic considering that Alhaitham is literally the only person to see Kaveh at his most vulnerable.

“I am not seeing Alhaitham right now.” He states very clearly.

“Your house?” That sounds marginally better and even though he has to worry about Alhaitham having to eventually come home, he’s pretty certain that he can get Tighnari out and his emotions back in check before that happens.

He notices a few people around them begin to stare at his current state so he’s quick to exit with Tighnari after they both agree on going to Kaveh and Alhaitham’s house.

“So, Kaveh, could you tell me what exactly that was about?” Tighnari asks cautiously once they both step through the door— Kaveh remembered his keys this time.

Kaveh plops himself down on one of the divans. “Wasn’t it obvious? Do I really have to humiliate myself further and clearly lay out all the ways I’m spiralling in sorrow for myself because I’m lonely and will probably never find or fall in love?” He feels awful for his harsh tone but he simply can’t gain back control of his emotions as of right now. It’s too much for him to even attempt to.

Tighnari observes him for a moment and during the time that takes, a whole waterfall of tears comes cascading down Kaveh’s entire face.

“Do you feel this way… because of me and Cyno? Are we causing any pain for you?” Kaveh swears that more tears threaten to fall down after hearing Tighnari’s words because, oh, he can’t believe he made one of his best friends think that their happiness is causing him pain.

“No! You guys haven’t done anything at all. I feel awful about all this but I guess I’m jealous of what you two have? I’ve only been feeling this since my birthday, really. I feel like everyone around me is falling in love and settling down while I’m still here with the same old struggles. And I know that I shouldn’t follow along with what everyone else is doing but I’ve always wanted to settle down eventually and, I don’t know, given my current situation and shortcomings, I don’t think I’ll ever get the luxury of settling down with a partner. I just feel unlovable.” He hopes he’s explaining his thoughts in a way that doesn't make him too humiliating. “Fuck, I’m getting so desperate. I feel pathetic.”

Tighnari moves to sit down next to him. “The timer hasn’t run out or anything, Kaveh. You have so many years ahead of you to find love. Who knows, maybe you won't even have to look far at all. There’s going to be someone who loves you very dearly and, Kaveh, you should let them love you like that. I know you’re saying now that you’re ‘desperate’ but you have a tendency of pushing away affection. So when the time comes… just accept the affection willingly, okay?” Either Kaveh is going insane or Tighnari is making a reference to something that Kaveh doesn’t really understand.

His words just make Kaveh sob more. Good tears, this time.

“I don’t know, ‘Nari. I— I’m so scared that I’m going to be alone forever and I’ll… I’ll die before I can feel something that vaguely resembles the love you and Cyno have for each other. I know I’m only thirty so worrying about things like this is possibly asking for too much and perhaps some greed on my side but… I can’t help it.” He brings up one of his sleeves to wipe away the tears on his face before Tighnari pulls him in for a tight hug. “I just want to be in love.” He cries.

They both kind of sit in silence for a few moments then.

“I’m sorry for offloading on you like thi—”

Then Tighnari starts bawling too.

“I’m so sorry you‘re feeling like this, Kaveh,” Tighnari chokes out, sniffing heavily as they both continue sobbing, “you’re gonna fall in love, I know it and someone is gonna love you so much that it becomes all they know—”

Tighnari’s cut off by the jangling of keys and the opening of the door.

Fuck.

Kaveh forgot about his initial plan of chucking Tighnari out before Alhaitham could get home.

Once Alhaitham notices the two of them in their current state— both crying, hugging each other and also staring blank-eyed towards his directions— he pauses in his steps.

“I’m assuming the wedding was emotionally taxing, then?” Alhaitham kicks off his shoes, doesn’t even make a move to stuff it on the shoe rack, before grabbing a glass of water from himself. He then looks observantly between the two men but his gaze is more fixated on Kaveh which doesn’t exactly surprise him at all. He can see that Alhaitham is worried that he's upset and is trying to slowly break the ice so Kaveh can tell him what’s going on in his own words and time.

Kaveh doesn't really know what to say but he figures the safest option is to probably just agree with him so he goes to do that but he’s prevented from doing so when Tighnari gets there first.

“Quite. Anyway, Kaveh, go get changed and shower— you’ve got your tears and my tears all over you. I’ll take my leave soon as well.” Kaveh can’t deny that he’s shocked when Tighnari seems to be trying to immediately get rid of him. Of course he knows that Tighnari was being completely sincere earlier in his little speeches to Kaveh so he's even more confused now with Tighnari ushering him away.

“Alhaitham, you’re making dinner.” Kaveh sniffles as he stands up to go to his room.

“Dishes for you, then.” Alhaitham snips in before Kaveh closes his bedroom door.

Once Kaveh emerges from the shower, he’s adorned in his night robes and feels inexplicably more cosy. He’s still kind of panicking over everything but Tighnari’s words really are helping.

Tighnari’s still sitting on the divan and this time, he has a cup of what Kaveh assumes to be chai in his hands. He almost scoffs at the thought of Alhaitham learning how to be a hospitable host as he brews up a beverage for Tighnari.

“Alhaitham,” Tighnari starts, fixating his gaze entirely on the cup in his hands, “this tastes incredible.”

Alhaitham gives him a nod as an appreciation of his compliment before going back to cooking whatever it is he wants to make for dinner.

“Oh, is that his masala chai? God, I could live off of it.” Kaveh smiles as he enters the living room.

“Here.” Alhaitham puts a cup forwards on the kitchen counters, presumably a cup for Kaveh. While Kaveh may be a bit more of a coffee person, he does have a particularly big soft spot for any tea Alhaitham makes.

“Thanks.” He mutters before going to sit next to Tighnari again. He swears he heard Tighnari whisper something along the lines of domestic bliss but shrugs it off as him fantasising about seeing Cyno again or something.

Once they’re both done drinking their tea, Tighnari announces that he’s going to head out. He pulls Kaveh in for another hug before he leaves, though.

“I’m sorry.” He says.

Kaveh laughs lightly. “It’s not your fault I’m so painfully single.”

“Wasn’t talking about that.”

“Then…?”

Tighnari waves him off. “You’ll see.”

Kaveh’s a bit confused but doesn't question him further.

He gets a bit more confused when Tighnari give Alhaitham some form of a glare before he leaves.

Huh. Interesting.

Now, the rest of dinner and the dishes went by as normal.

Everything after that kind of goes to chaos.

The perfect serenity of the scene, which is; Kaveh sketching a few designs in his sketchbook and Alhaitham reading a book next to him on the divan, gets completely destroyed the second Alhaitham opens up his mouth to speak out the most stupid thing that this stupid man has ever said—

“I’m in love with you.” Alhaitham says casually and Kaveh almost falls over.

Hah. He must be hearing him wrong or maybe Alhaitham is just quoting something written in his book because no way were those… words he spoke actually meant in relation to Kaveh. Oh, he’s hallucinating love confessions now.

Kaveh goes back to sketching. But he can feel Alhaitham’s gaze on him.

Then, he feels something (Alhaitham’s index finger) poke his shoulder. Kaveh turns back to him and offers him a confused look as Alhaitham gets comfortable again after leaning forwards to poke Kaveh.

“Kaveh,” He calls out for no reason, it seems, “I’m in love with you.” He repeats.

This time Kaveh actually falls over. He’s not sure if it’s even physically possible for him to do so but oh well.

“You— huh… uh what?” He blabbers as he tries to compose himself and lift himself up off the floor.

“I believe you are hearing me.” Alhaitham has the audacity to sound bored as he watches Kaveh scramble back to his place on the divan.

Kaveh’s head is spinning as he sits back up. “I uh… I’m confused.” He expects Alhaitham to quip in a small there is quite literally nothing confusing about what I just said but instead he stays silent. Maybe he’s generously giving Kaveh a few moments to gather his thoughts together. Thoughtful, kind of.

Is Alhaitham testing him or something? Does he know the ways Kaveh has been thinking of him as of recent? Did he somehow find out what Kaveh’s been so depressed about and is trying to—

Suddenly he cuts off that trail of thought as he thinks of what Tighnari said to him before he left. He mentioned something about being sorry and Kaveh initially took that as him expressing sympathy for the reasons behind Kaveh’s current depressive spiral but then he confirmed that he wasn’t apologising specifically for that…

Ah.

Oh, nothing goes well for Kaveh because did Tighnari seriously just tell Alhaitham everything? Yeah, he should never have left the room and allowed Tighnari to speak to Alhaitham without supervision.

Kaveh scoffs with doubt at the sincerity of Alhaitham’s words.

“Did Tighnari put you up to this?” Kaveh asks and he’s not really sure why he does because it’s fairly obvious that he did but—

“No.”

Kaveh rolls his eyes. “Mm. I bet he didn’t.” He says with sarcasm.

“I’m confessing out of my own free will.” ‘Confessing’, this idiot.

“Shut up.”

Alhaitham raises his eyebrow. “You can’t just ignore my confession, Kaveh.” Why is he speaking so seriously? God, Kaveh will truly never know peace.

“Why? Because nobody else is confessing to me so I just have to listen to you? But does that make you better than anyone else—” Kaveh cuts himself off because it does. Alhaitham is better for him than anybody else could be and he’s been thinking that on the down low for the past few weeks and Alhaitham is casually dropping that he apparently loves Kaveh and…

Kaveh is trying to reject that advance. And doesn’t know what to do next so he just sits, tries not to cry and tries to not crumble when making eye contact with Alhaitham.

“Tighnari merely mentioned a few recent causes of… disturbance in your emotional wellbeing. He did not put me up to this despite your accusations and belief that he did.” Kill Kaveh now because how is he going to move on with life knowing that him basically brooding in self pity for being single for over a month has seriously become a disturbance in his emotional wellbeing?

“Are you pitying me, then?” Kaveh crosses his arms.

You’d think that after complaining about being single and worrying that he's unlovable, he would’ve jumped for joy at the first confession he gets but instead the confession happens to come from Alhaitham so Kaveh has to obviously refute it. Which only becomes more stupid when you think about Kaveh having spent a decent amount of time dreaming about an alternate reality where his and Alhaitham’s relationship is romantic. Oh, he’s stupid, oh Alhaitham’s stupid.

“I’m not pitying you. I’m in—”

“—Love with me?” Kaveh guesses. He thinks for a moment how someone saying ‘I’m in love with you’ should be self explanatory along with being simple to understand but then again this is Alhaitham so it’s confusing and this is Kaveh so it’s even more confusing.

Alhaitham pauses for a moment and looks at him in a way that says yes.

“W-why are you saying this? Y-you don’t—”

“You aren’t unlovable,” Alhaitham, the most infuriating man Kaveh has ever met, says with this look that maybe makes Kaveh think he’s not that infuriating after all but then he just keeps speaking and, “I love you.” He lets out softly. It’s less matter-of-factly compared to his other attempts and more like Alhaitham just wants to get his point across which is that he apparently loves Kaveh.

Kaveh stares at him blankly. He doesn't know what to say and doesn’t know how to react now that this has gone on long enough for him to realise that maybe Alhaitham isn’t doing this out of obligation or out of being forced by Tighnari. The thing he should be doing is tearfully announcing his reciprocation of Alhaitham’s feelings because there’s no platonic way for Kaveh to repeatedly imagine him and Alhaitham in a romantic light in his head without those feelings overflowing and leaking out of his dreamland.

When Kaveh doesn’t speak, Alhaitham continues speaking which seems so foreign as Kaveh is used to the Alhaitham who practically waits for conversations to die out. Maybe Alhaitham is finally encountering a conversation that’s important enough for him to fight to keep it going. Gods.

“I can’t ensure myself to be the one who proves to you that you will fall in love with someone as that relies solely on your own feelings but… I can prove your assumptions of yourself as unlovable are wrong. Wholeheartedly and excessively wrong, in fact.”

There are far too many thoughts swirling around in Kaveh’s head and far too many feelings that are drowning him under. Failing to gather himself together enough to form any coherent response, he continues just sitting there as he melts from emotion overload every time a sentence leaves Alhaitham’s lips.

“I’ve been in love with you since the Akademiya. And my love for you has been strikingly strong from the start and its strength has never faltered, not once. I’ve only ever been in love with you, I have never felt anything remotely like this for anybody else and I never will. I am not telling you this with the expectation you will reciprocate these feelings and I am not using your current emotional turmoil to incentivise you into returning my feelings either.” Alhaitham continues on, not hesitating even once and Kaveh feels overwhelmed enough by the ‘since the Akademiya’ that he doesn’t even have the time to process anything else said.

His arms are still crossed but they slowly begin falling to his sides as even holding them in that position becomes too much. He’s still not coherent enough to know what facial expression his body has put forward.

“I… um, thank you?” Someone slap him, please. Being told by your roommate, who you’ve been thinking of romantically for the past few weeks, confess their long lasting and deep feelings to you like that should be met with a response way better than a feeble thank you.

If Alhaitham is disappointed with the answer, he doesn’t show it.

“Now if you ever come up with the ridiculous idea that you are unlovable, just know that you are utterly and factually incorrect because I just so happen to love you very much.” Kaveh finally gains enough coherence to let out a small huff as he thinks about Alhaitham’s motivation from confessing likely stemming from his incessant need to always prove Kaveh wrong in some way or the other.

“Right…” Alhaitham, a man who loves linguistics and language, is most certainly not going to also be in love with Kaveh if he continues to speak like this.

Alhaitham observes him for a moment more and Kaveh offers him a weak smile before Alhaitham looks over at his book, mentally stores the page number he’s on for later and shuts the book. “Goodnight.” He then stands up and Kaveh doesn’t even know if he should be surprised by any of this man’s actions anymore. He might be getting desensitised to it.

“Wha— no Alhaitham! Where are you going?!” Kaveh exclaims and his sketchbook falls onto the ground as he perks up. He’ll pick that up later.

“To my room. Before the chances of you taking your claymore and bludgeoning me to death increase.” Oh, he did not just fucking shrug. “Judging by your expression, those chances just got a lot higher so… goodnight.” And then he trudges back into the confines of his room while Kaveh is left with a bit more space and time to process it all.

So. Alhaitham just confessed to him. Confessed that he loves Kaveh and has done so since their days at the Akademiya and has admitted that he has never loved anybody else and never will love anybody else. In classic Alhaitham nature, he did this all to prove Kaveh wrong in his beliefs that he’s unlovable. Then after he finished his confession, he called it a night and retreated to his room. And all Kaveh did the entire time was stare at him blankly.

After spending a fair amount of time thinking about Alhaitham romantically, it’s not like he’s currently taking time now to process a new vision of him in his head; he’s already familiar and well acquainted with an Alhaitham who loved him in his imagination so he’s not quite sure what he’s waiting for.

For a long time now it seems he was begging any greater being out there to send him on a path that’ll bring him love, he’s been longing for someone to love him unconditionally, he’s been yearning to have someone who’s life and soul intertwines with his own.

And now the things he wants are right within his reach. Everything he wants, all of it, resides behind the door to Alhaitham’s room.

So just why is he still sitting here?!

Now, he knows that he’s loved, the chance for true love is so close to him but here he is sitting so still he may as well be a statue.

Alhaitham loves him.

Kaveh’s been thinking of Alhaitham in that way for a good while now but—

Does he truly love Alhaitham or has he deluded himself into thinking he does because he needed to shove all his feelings somewhere and Alhaitham was the best candidate?

Alhaitham admitted to knowing he was in love with Kaveh for many years but Kaveh hadn’t ever thought of him being in love with Alhaitham until he was spiralling and desperately searching for a sign that he has someone in his life who could work as a romantic partner. Then only he begins to see Alhaitham in a romantic light. Sure, those feelings hit him like a punch and they feel very real but are they genuine? Does he love Alhaitham in a way he deserves to be loved? Or is Alhaitham just convenient to love?

Their story is beautiful whichever way you look at it. Their relationship is powerful no matter what nature it takes.

Kaveh’s always admired that even when he swore he hated Alhaitham. He’s always known Alhaitham is different from anyone else he’s ever known and he’s always been aware that nobody is going to challenge him and impact him more than Alhaitham.

His one and only, if you think about it. It sounds far too good if it’s looked at in a romantic context so Kaveh can’t believe it’s real. He can’t process something going well for him, doesn’t think something so perfect could be laid out and waiting right in front of him.

Never has he been lucky with luck (hah) and now it seems like he’s struck gold. But that just can’t be right. There can’t be someone in this world who truly loves him, the chance for love shouldn’t be this clear when he’s so used to only seeing fog.

He laughs to himself as he thinks of Alhaitham’s effort to convince him that someone does love him just for him to disregard all of that not even ten minutes after their conversation. But then he thinks a bit more about Alhaitham’s words…

‘I just so happen to love you very much’, he said and it’s overwhelming, it’s sweet, it’s too much.

How is it that he’s wanted something for so long, is offered the chance to have it all and only now he pauses? He’s going to sabotage this and the opportunity is going to leave him because nothing goes right for him and he runs away from good things because he’s scared of them and now he’s not answering Alhaitham’s confession because he’s probably going to sabotage yet another good things coming his way and—

So when the time comes… just accept the affection willingly, okay? Tighnari had said to him and at first he didn’t think much of it but, oh gods.

Alhaitham loves Kaveh. And Kaveh… loves Alhaitham.

He’s in love with Alhaitham, truly and deeply in love with him. He’s in love with their relationship with all the ups, downs and in betweens it has. He wants everything Alhaitham is offering him, wants to take it all, wants to share his love with Alhaitham. He just wants, more and more but maybe that’s not so bad if Alhaitham is generous enough to entertain him.

A million new thoughts come rushing through his brain. A million new wants and desires make their way to the surface after Kaveh suppressed them for far too long.

He loves Alhaitham, not because he’s lonely and thinks he doesn’t have any other options, he loves him because he’s everything to Kaveh. No way can he survive another moment not being able to call Alhaitham his, can’t survive this isolation any longer, can’t survive sitting here while everything he wants is right there.

So he frantically jumps up off the divan, almost trips over his sketchbook, but it doesn’t matter because it’s all going to be okay— it will. He rushes over to Alhaitham’s bedroom door, feeling lightheaded and slightly dizzy as he does so but he’s counting on Alhaitham to make it all okay.

Standing outside Alhaitham’s room, he lifts his hand up to the door, closes his eyes for a moment and inhales deeply before he knocks a few times in quick succession on the door.

He hears shuffling inside and a few seconds later the door opens to show Alhaitham standing there for him, close enough to touch.

Okay so Kaveh kind of begins crying again. Looking into Alhaitham’s gorgeous green eyes caused his demeanour to falter.

“Kaveh? Are you okay?” He raises his hands and makes a move to rest his hands on top of Kaveh’s shoulders but stops midway, possibly remembering that everything regarding the two of them is kind of up in the air right now.

Kaveh looks up at Alhaitham and although his vision is blurred slightly because of the tears, he needs to take a moment to appreciate how glorious it is to have Alhaitham standing in front of him, looking like that and speaking to him in that voice.

“I’m in love with you,” Kaveh marvels at how he managed to get that out without choking or stumbling over his words, “I-I love you, Alhaitham. I do, I truly do, I—” He stops himself because now he’s really ugly crying and Alhaitham is looking at him as if he can’t believe what’s happening which directly parallels Kaveh who can’t believe what’s happening either—

“I love you and you… you love me so…” He trails off, doesn’t think he has the strength to say anything more. The need to hear Alhaitham speak causes him to halt as he stares expectantly into his eyes.

“So…” Alhaitham replies. Kaveh would berate him for the short response if he hadn’t been in his situation earlier and if Alhaitham didn’t have this stupid delirious look on his face. Like, he’s in dreamland or something.

They’re both not doing anything, just looking at each other which should be enough but it’s not because Kaveh just wants and wants and wants.

He wants happiness, he wants stability, he wants love, he wants Alhaitham and it’s all terribly, horribly, excessively selfish but it’s held out right in front of him and he wants to take it so badly.

But Alhaitham takes first as he pulls Kaveh into a hug.

And that is enough. It’s enough for Kaveh to be wrapped around in Alhaitham’s embrace. It’s enough for him. After wanting for so long, he finally gets to have something and in this moment, he wants nothing more.

Kaveh’s crying into Alhaitham’s shirt which he would feel bad about but he hears Alhaitham sniffing and he knows for a fact that Alhaitham isn’t sick right now so that could only mean Alhaitham is crying too.

“Am I enough for you?” Alhaitham mutters and Kaveh’s heart shatters a bit when he hears the weakness in his voice.

He holds Alhaitham closer and tighter to him, so much so that he doesn’t think he could bear ever letting him go. “Yes, Alhaitham.” He should say more, offer more words of encouragement but he feels so weak, his voice so shaky.

“I love you, Kaveh.” He repeats and it still hits Kaveh as hard as it did the first time. “If you want me, I’ll do my best to—”

“I love you.” Kaveh says to tell him he doesn’t need to do anything for him, not now.

Kaveh slowly pulls out of the hug and once he sees Alhaitham’s some teardrops trickling down Alhaitham’s cheeks, he can’t help but reach out to cup his face. He moves his thumbs so they can wipe away his tears and blinks quickly himself so any more tears in his eyes can fall down so his vision gets less blurrier from tears in his eyes.

He still can’t quite believe that Alhaitham is crying. Is love so strong that it managed to make someone as stoic as Alhaitham crumble? It must be because there’s no other explanation for it. The last time Kaveh saw Alhaitham cry was during their argument back in the Akademiya but Kaveh himself was also crying uncontrollably during that fight that he was barely even able to process the fact Alhaitham was also crying. Then, after the argument happened, Kaveh tried his best to forget it and so any memories of Alhaitham crying got buried alongside memories of their fight.

Now, as he’s standing in Alhaitham’s doorway, looking eye to eye with Alhaitham with both of them having laid themselves bare, Kaveh knows he doesn’t want anything more. But as he studies Alhaitham’s face, he realises that he needs more. It’s deeper than simply wanting, he realises. Alhaitham is still looking at him like he’s in disbelief they ever found themselves standing here at this moment but Kaveh is itching to move ahead. Together.

“Alhaitham,” Kaveh says, moving one of his hands to thread through Alhaitham’s hair, “can I kiss you?” A question that doesn’t portray Kaveh’s need to kiss Alhaitham at its true magnitude at all.

Alhaitham grins, looking like a school kid who was offered candy before he moves his hands to rest in Kaveh’s hair. He moves closer and Kaveh expects him to pull them together into a kiss but instead Alhaitham closes his eyes and goes to kiss Kaveh’s forehead. Since they’re both not wearing footwear (because who does that in a home), they’re both almost the same height although Alhaitham has the tiniest bit of height over him so he steps up a bit of his tiptoes to complete the action. Adorable, Kaveh thinks.

“I don’t know how to kiss.” He admits while resting his soles back on the ground. He doesn’t sound embarrassed but still looks a bit shy to say it. Alhaitham doesn’t know how to kiss because he’s never kissed anyone before because he’s only ever wanted to kiss Kaveh and now he’s here, about to kiss him.

Kaveh feels like he’s too weak to be in love like this.

“Well if you wanna learn, my dear junior, I’m happy to indulge you.” Kaveh drops both of his forearms onto Alhaitham’s shoulders and tilts his head to the side. Turns out Alhaitham has the stupidest dream boy smile to exist and Kaveh loves him a bit more for it.

They both stare at each other’s lips for a moment before Kaveh leans in slowly and Alhaitham copies the action. They close their eyes and meet each other in the middle. It feels all-consuming, Kaveh can barely think but he’s able to recognise this was years in the making and it all feels as if it’s paid off in the best way possible. This is, without a doubt, what Kaveh has been dreaming about. Though Kaveh has kissed others before, none of his previous experiences come remotely close to this; the feeling of his and Alhaitham’s lips locked in a culmination of a confession. Admiring love pales in comparison to experiencing love. This is what love is and after spending so long wanting to understand it, all that knowledge seems to come flooding through his mind. All from a kiss.

Kaveh moves to tilt his head to the other side but Alhaitham doesn’t catch the motion quick enough and so their noses crush slightly against each other. The action feels like something people do during their first kisses when they’re teenagers and it makes Kaveh feel younger as he thinks of his and Alhaitham’s love being something so young despite developing for a long time prior to this. Kaveh breaks off with a laugh and Alhaitham still looks lost in a daze from the kiss. Oh Kaveh needs to kiss him stupid. Later.

“Love isn’t real. It can’t be real.” Kaveh says in awe as he scans over Alhaitham’s expression.

“That’s factually incorrect.” Alhaitham retorts and the look on his face is enough to prove Kaveh wrong. That’s the look Kaveh’s seen on so many people in love and this time, this time it’s being directed at him for once.

“Mm, I bet you feel great right now. You now know I reciprocate your feelings and you got to prove me wrong multiple times. I wonder which was the bigger win.” He just can’t stop smiling.

“Proving you wrong.” Alhaitham says without hesitation but he’s already pulling Kaveh in for another hug and Kaveh starts walking forward while they’re embracing until they reach the bed and the both of them topple over onto the bed.

“Thank you,” Kaveh sighs once they’re both laying on their sides and facing each other on the bed, “for loving me and giving me the chance to love you back and have this.” Kaveh interlocks their fingers together. “I may not have realised it as early as you did but you’re the only one for me.” He turns his gaze away from their interlocked hands and goes back to looking into Alhaitham’s eyes.

Alhaitham brings their hands closer to himself and plants a kiss on Kaveh’s hand.

“Don’t thank me. You deserve all of it and more.”

Kaveh’s going to cry again if he keeps this up, “Don’t say that.” He sighs.

“Why?”

“Because, Alhaitham, I’ve spent over a month thinking I’m unlovable and was never going to find or fall in love and you saying things like that is kind of breaking my brain a bit.” Kaveh covers his face with his hand that’s not interlocked with Alhaitham.

“I’m just proving you wrong.” Alhaitham shifts closer.

“So romantic.” Kaveh says sarcastically and some distant memory of thinking that Alhaitham would be an angel to someone he’s in love with comes into his head. Well he was wrong about that because Alhaitham is probably even more annoying to Kaveh than anybody else. “I can’t believe I get to have you.”

“Can I make you happy?” Alhaitham asks as a final test to see if this is truly and fully what Kaveh wants.

“I know you will.” Kaveh replies.

They then both share this giddy look with each other and Kaveh knows that his fate has completely turned around from what it was just a few hours ago. He’s going to be loved, he’s going to love and he thinks he could live off that high forever.

Alhaitham loves him and that might just have been Alhaitham’s biggest impact on Kaveh’s life.

“Were you ever going to confess your feelings if you didn’t find out I thought I was unlovable?” Kaveh asks out of curiosity because how did that man manage to live silently with feelings as strong as love for so long?

“If I could use my feelings to prove you wrong in any other situation then, yes.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Kaveh mutters, shaking his head but he can’t be serious.

“Maybe.”

“But I want all of you.”

“And I’ll give you all you want.” Alhaitham offers sincerely and it truly feels like everything is going to be okay. For Kaveh and for this relationship.

Kaveh thinks it’s been long enough since their first kiss and that isn’t okay when kissing someone you’re in love with feels so exhilarating.

So, he relishes in this new-found haven he has with Alhaitham and takes a small offering in the form of a kiss.

And Kaveh is home, with everything he needs.