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- Does it hurt?
Kunikida perked up from where he was sitting, with his notebook half-written in his hands.
- What?
- The stab wound… Is it still painful for you, Kunikida-kun?
The blonde-haired man took one look at his partner who was sprawling out haphazardly on the bed, like a black cat lazily enjoying its slow days. Huffing in disapproval (and mildly in humor), he let out a sigh.
- No… not anymore. Why’d you want to know about that?
Hearing this answer, Dazai sighed exasperatedly (in a theatrical way) as he rolled on the bed and loudly lamented.
- Waaaaaa Kunikida-kun, I envy you so much.
- What? Why?
Kunikida raised an eyebrow, already dreading where this conversation would go. He knew exactly what his suicidal partner would say, and yet he still hoped that it wouldn’t be the case anytime he decided to be dramatic like that.
- Because it would never be me to die a peaceful, painless death.
“Here we go”, he thought idly as he reached out and knocked on the brunette’s head, “he started this again… I knew it”. Dazai then became even more of a pain in the ass for him as he faked a cry of disappointment.
- Too cruel, Kunikida-kun. Too cruel. How could you refuse your beloved partner such a simple request like that?
- Because I don't want to hear your morbid fantasies about death every single day like it's a stroll in the park, Dazai. Some of us are actually trying to live our lives, you know.
Dazai pouted, sitting up and clutching his bandaged arm to his chest as if it were wounded by Kunikida's words. In response, the man could only push up his glasses and sigh.
- It is not something inevitable if you stop trying to find a way to die just because you hate the fact that you fucking exist on Earth...
The brunette man smiled at him, albeit a bit more… sad this time upon hearing the answer. They just looked at each other in silence for a long while before he finally murmured in a soft, almost unintelligible way.
- If that’s the case, then why did you stand in the way of Ame-no-Gozen, Kunikida-kun?
Ah, it was that question again. It had been months since the chaos happened, and they have discussed the incident many times already, with little to no progress on both ends. Kunikida felt like he didn’t need to explain himself further other than “it was the only option I had”, while Dazai wanted to push for more answers on his side, which was to be expected from the man due to how curious he was about almost everything.
- We have talked about this before, Dazai. I have told you my reasoning before…
- I know I know. “I did it to protect people under my care” and “I did it for my ideals”, all those words I have heard to the point I could learn them by heart already, Kunikida-kun.
It was surprising to hear his partner interrupted him, which was a rare, once-in-a-blue-moon thing for the bandaged man to do in a discussion like this. And clearly, it didn’t help the blonde-haired man with his frustration either.
- Then why do you keep bringing it up if you’ve already heard my reasons? You already know my ideals; you know what drives me. Why question me again then? Was it simply because of your selfish curiosity?
- Yes it is, Kunikida-kun. If that’s what you think about my intention, I accept it… I just hope you could… be honest with me…
The blunt (and rather emotional?) answer stunned him into silence. From the look on his face...
- Please, love? Can I know why?
Was it due to sadness? Pity? He really didn’t know, but it seemed like he really couldn’t give him the same answers anymore.
- I… I didn’t know why I did that, but… I didn’t regret it either. If I had to choose, I would do it again.
They fell into silence again afterwards, both were deep in their own thoughts. The blonde-haired man noticed that his partner’s hands were slightly trembling, just like what happened that day, when he cracked open one of his tired eyes and found himself landed in a pair of bony, bandaged arms that was still hugging him tight.
- It was very cruel of you to do so without me joining you on your way to the afterlife as well, my dear…
That was what Dazai had told him, with mirth eyes and a cheeky smile, upon seeing him waking up (for a brief moment). He was giggling and teasing and joking like the war never happened in the first place, like it was just a normal day of filling out paperworks in the office for them, but Kunikida could feel tears dampening his cheeks. His partner’s slender yet calloused fingers that danced on the skin of his face were so, so cold, and he had this urge to hold and warm them in-between his gentle grasp. After that, he was in and out of sleep for the next couple days, but somehow Dazai never failed to stay. The brunette man was always there to greet him during his lucid moments, and was the last face that he saw before he drifted off into the dreamland.
And for that, he had a question to ask.
- You were glued to me when I was on bedrest during those days. Why then?
Another silence.
- Do you want to know?
Kunikida swallowed the lump in his throat.
- You wanted me to be honest, and I have been honest. Now is the time for you to return the favor you asked of me.
Dazai sighed and patted on the bed, signaling him to sit down, and he did just that, as he normally would do. Once settled, the bandaged man brushed away a stray lock of blonde hair on his right shoulder, gentle yet wary.
- You were… slipping away from me that day, Kunikida-kun. I had to check and make sure that my partner-in-life and in-crime wouldn’t just…
Those words then fell into silence as Kunikida surged forward and hugged the other man tight in his arms, placating his partner’s trembling frame with his embrace as they both fell on the soft mattress behind them.
- I’m… I’m sorry… I didn’t know…
The blonde-haired man murmured, his voice muffled and thick with emotions that were close to bursting in his heart. In response, Dazai only chuckled, his bandaged hands finding their way to rub his back in a comforting circular motion.
- Don’t apologize, Kunikida-kun. Just…
A moment of hesitance, then the brunette man let out a heavy breath that he had held on for so long.
- Let me follow you. Whether it is to the moon and back or to eternal hell, let me go with you. Don’t leave me on my own… Please…
“He was still shaking", he sighed at this thought, and the fact that Dazai finally uttered the word “please” afterwards as his body trembled even more made the glasses man feel an immense amount of guilt rising in his heart.
- Dazai… I…
Dazai Osamu rarely said “please”. His usual politeness didn’t extend to that term. And yet here they were, with both of them bearing the most vulnerable part of themselves to each other.
- Please… Let me go with you, should you choose to go that route.
Bandaged arms tightened around him as Kunikida let out a ragged gasp.
- Dazai, you know I would never…
- I don’t care, Kunikida-kun. I refused to let you go without me. If you want me to accept it, make me.
The fact that the man in his arms snapped at that moment rendered him speechless, and Dazai also quickly schooled himself before murmuring an apology to him (which he quickly brushed it off, knowing that his partner wouldn’t say so without his own reasons). The room fell into silence again afterwards, and it took them a long while before Kunikida found the words to let his thoughts be spoken out loud.
- My only regret at that time was to not be able to see you again… Other than that, I would still do the same thing to protect the rest of the Agency.
- I know… I know…
Dazai shushed him, patting and rubbing his back as gently as he could.
- But… It pained me knowing that you were hurt and I couldn’t do anything.
Kunikida hitched slightly as he felt those cold, slender fingers hover on the spot where the sword used to pierce through, hesitant and tentative.
- Does it hurt you anymore, Kunikida-kun?
He held his breaths and let them out in a way to try and control his erratic heartbeats. One, two, three, four…
- No, it doesn’t. Not physically, at least.
The brunette man rubbed his face on Kunikida’s shoulder as he sighed.
- I see… That’s good, then.
Dazai looked up at him, brown eyes full of stars and tenderness that made him wish he could drown in them for an eternity. Kunikida knew he couldn’t do that, however, so he chose to caress the face of the man he loved in the palms of his hands instead.
- I can’t promise you anything…
It was true. Their line of work would always be like that, unpredictable and chaotic, with heartbreaks a permanent possibility in every choice they made.
- But I… swore to stay with you, for as long as time allows me to do so.
His partner then broke out into a genuine smile, and he smiled in return before closing in for a kiss for them, and them only.