Work Text:
Hey Adora,
I know cheesy of me to write you a letter instead of saying things to your face but if I have to look into your eyes and say all this corny stuff, I think I would die. So please take these words serious and trust me that I put all my heart into them.
Do you remember the first time I realized finally that you love me back. What took me forever and a War. I think even Shadow Weaver knew long befor I did. When the fight was over I knew you cared about me as much as I did about you. The time after, took all the weight of our shoulders and opened my eyes.
It seemed like everyone in Etheria was now ready to celebrate their Victory. The ending of Horde Prime left everyone exhausted, traumatized, hurt, and broken, but stupidly enough, they all already went out of their way to plan a big party. Oh how much i hated it in the past ,seeing them doing these celebrations in the most inappropriate situations but today i understand it and i am here for it. There was nobody left who wanted to fight. I was assuming at least a few of the horde would rebel against peace, but I think in the end, I was the only one pushing this war. With no alternative, our fighters had pushed themselves to the limits of thair powers and exhausted themselves. I pushed them even more, specially those who were closest to me. They thought i was thair friend and i got them acid burned and beaten. Myself and Prime were the only ones who kept going for other reasons, i mean until he did force me too. I wished I could change my skin. And start all over again like this planet. Take a healthy form and grow better. Maybe I was just as hurt by Horde Prime and my past like this land and the living beings on it that did nothing wrong but been born and being made on a targeted planet. We share similar scars and the fact we were being saved by a big blond weirdo and her crew. *catra smirks*
I envied them for beeing protected by you when I was thair threat. I didn't know that I needet saving.
I have to admit that when it all went over, I never thought I felt such relief more than the moment you came to me to hold my hand and look at the world healing. Your hand felt so warm in mine. I didn't know my hand could feel more than the anger in my fingertips and its fear and rage whenever it clawed someone else. I am always ready to use my claws against anyone and everything. I didn't feel my palms for a long time other than on the cold metal of the fright zone between them. Or the painful punches against my knuckles when i hit everything around me. Your hand was lying softly in mine. When they slowly formed around my hand and your thumb emphasised with my shaking hand in a calming movement over my furr. I felt anxious at first. But I didn't want to pull away. I would never ever push you away like this or any other way again. *catra breathes out*
I didn't notice I was holding my breath while writing this. But you can take my breath away so easily. I can't believe that after all this time, I was there with ...... you. In my imagination i always thought it was impossible for feeling comfortable and allowing myself to be curious about how your hand would feel like in mine
There are no doubts anymore. But sadly, some things wouldn't be easier or were going to be resolved so quickly. I still feared touch. Slight movements on my skin made me shiver and jump. I was scared. What my mental health has suffered from would make it more difficult for us and our fresh found relationship. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be held in your arms. A hug was fine for me, but when ever you reached behind my neck, i couldn't help it but shake. I was suddenly back up on that ship. Trapped behind my own eyes and the feeling of someone else having full control over me. It was so much worse than the manipulation I suffered from Shadow Weaver. There was no warmth. There is nothing less than just a cold predicted emptiness with no heart but just calculations. I was a tool with no functionality and a voice constanly trying to erase that bit that was me.
But than there was you.
Telling me everything would be alright. And you looked into my eyes with trust, and I looked at yours. Your stare was full of tenderness. And we settled down to sit on the new grown grass and your hand stil in mine. Your naivety and hope in things to just be okay, I always wanted to punch you for. I think that moment I realized what you truly meant wasn't things to be okay easily but that they will be okay because we are together. I trusted you this time. We just sat there for so long that I think both our feet fell asleep, and when we tried to stand up, we both fell over and laughed. And you held my hand so tight that I could feel it for so long after. The pressure of your touch, imprinted into my skin like a tattoo.
I think since than, I couldn't think of anything else but to spend the rest of my life with you. Holding your hand and following you for wherever you needs to go. I know you are She-Ra and would need to take on responsibilities outside of Etheria. Maybe make it to your home planet you were talking about to me. But I want you to have both. Love and Purpose. I was excited to spend many dates with you, exploring the planet and its new beautiful places.
We would hang out at all these places I been before but as previously as your enemy... And as enemy to the other princesses. Every time I saw the kingdoms and how they blossomed, I knew it was wrong to want to destroy them. I didn't understand that there is beauty and it deserved to exist. I was selfish. Just like I had to learn that it is okay that I exist. I struggle. Memory is my biggest enemy. You made me understand that I have worth without needing to earn it. Scorpia tried to show me but I couldn't.. I just couldn't. Could not be a good friend or support. I am so sorry Scorpia... so so sorry
But Adora. When you look into my eyes.
Oh, these blue eyes... so annoying, "she giggles."
But regardless of my Trauma you didnt give up on me and kept trying and practice with me. I told you I wanted to be in your arms. I don't want this feeling this anxiety to stop me from being with you. We sat together another time, but you said this time. I would hold you instead. You layed down your head into my lap, and I would just put my arm around you and brush through your hair. It was so calm and peaceful. And your hair was so soft. You respected my boundaries and carefully adjusted to how i reacted toward any physical touch. And let me lead instead. It was something else to have you resting on me. I didn't know that I could make you feel safe, too.
And then you said it again. "I love you". What was quite embarrassing when my heart started beating so fast with your ear right next to it. When you were looking into my eyes and had that look. As if you had never seen anything else but me. I held your eyes and mouth shut and said it too, "I love you too idiot" But than you pulled my hands away. Looked deep in my eyes with all love you had felt for me and this time I could let go and let you draw in my head closer for a kiss. It felt like my heart jumping out of me but all I focused on was the softness of your lips on mine. At this moment fear had no power but just love. And i returned your kiss. I wanted to kiss you forever. *Catra smiles to herself* That's one of my favourite Memories.
It's been months after. We would lay down like this whenever we had time for us. And I got more comfortable with physical touch when we would lay together while you would hold me instead. Memories of the past were slowly replaced by the feelings for you. I would let them in and give me the strength to believe that nothing can hurt me like this ever again. I was confident in myself and confident in our relationship. On this particular day, I would finally do it. I would ask you what glimmer asked bow before. It's a weird ceremony thing. One partner asks the other to spend the rest of their lives together. You mentioned that you would soon leave out into space. It was time for you, and I would follow you of course. But I wouldn't let let us leave without having done this bonding thing for us two. I didn't care for it too much in general, but it seemed like the exact right thing to do before we went off of this planet for more adventures. You would become my space wife.
I would come and ask you, Catra style.*she breathes out anxiously* Take you out for dinner, looking cool as ever. Maybe feed you some cherries and than when you were going to be swoon enough, kneel down befor you and ask you to become my wife. The next day after you revealed your future plans we had dinner together, and everything seemed to be going as planned. You looked so beautiful in your dress when you came in. I was a little distracted, I have to admit. I sat down earlier and now lost focus for a bit, and suddenly, you would stand infront of me, and I panicked. Just at that moment, you pulled out a box and I knew exactly what you were going to do. OH HELL NO, I WILL BE FIRST, I thought. I stood up quickly. You saw me clawing for my little box and noticed what this was about. We both slowly walked toward each other around the table. You slowly went down on your knee. I went down a bit quicker. And then "WILL YOU MARRY ME" we both... at the same time. "NO, I ASKED FIRST." "NO I DID."" NO, I WAS ONE SECOND FASTER." We had to laugh so hard at each other expressions.
Typical us.
One had to top the other as usual. I smiled at you and you said "you know I would always say yes to you catra" With this smirk and spark in your eyes. You said it with full honesty but this slight fear of rejection in it too. This fear that usually overcomes me sparked in you. "what about you?" You looked at me with your hopeful eyes. "After all this time, you question me ?" I apologise but i had to tease you, and you grunted, what i enjoyed so much. I laughed because I also could sense glimmer and bow watching us from afar giggeling and I was certain they knew we both were going to ask eachother at the same time " yes I will" I said and you cried and so did I.....
Up until bow and glimmer came up and hugged us both. Oh, I'm dreading this ceremony already.
But for you, Adora, I would endure it. Let this letter be my vow. I vow to you with my words. That I trust you. I respect you. I tease you, and I will love you for the rest of our lives. I will guide you and let you guide me. I want to feel your hand in mine forever, and I will hold it just as hard as you hold mine. I want to kiss you a million times.I will help you and be your support in everything you want to accomplish. And I will always meet your eyes as you always met mine. I will stay with you till the day we die.
I love you Adora
-Catra