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Eddie had seen a lot in his few years as a firefighter. Hell he saw a lot in his first year as a firefighter, things he never could have imagined seeing. He'd seen zoo animals on a rampage, he'd seen a guy literally choking on his own fecal matter (while being insanely racist and homophobic at the same time, which was a baffling experience all in it's own), he'd seen people go absolutely apeshit over the possibility of hidden treasure somewhere in Los Angeles, getting themselves into insanely unimaginable situations. All in all, he had seen a lot of weird shit.
And then there's the terrible things he wishes he had never seen. The sight of his own blood splattered across Buck's face, the sight of finding his wife (soon to be ex-wife) laying in the middle of the street after being hit by a car, the sight of too many friends (too many family members) lying in hospital beds. The things he wishes he could forget, but was burdened with the memory of. This is one of those things.
Arson isn't really something Eddie can say he's used to, the deliberate setting of fires is reserved for once in a blue moon type of deals. So when the first fire they put out is deemed to be arson, it throws him off kilter just a bit, but he powers through. He closes his eyes and acknowledges that this is a probably one off thing (closes his eyes and tries to forget the cries of the woman who got trapped in the building, the same woman who later died in the hospital), and tries to go about his day.
When yet another deliberate fire is set the following week on the same day within miles of the other, Eddie feels his world shift just a little more. The sight of yet another burned building and another dead person searing itself into Eddie's soul, just one more thing to add to the already expansive plethora of nightmare material he has.
It's not until another fire is deemed an arson that people start freaking out. Word begins to spread about three arsons in LA, on the exact same day, spread out amongst three weeks, all within a few miles of each other and things begin to truly spiral. Two days before what everyone is speculating to be the next fire (and fuck does Eddie hate that that's something people actually have to say, all because some sick asshole found enjoyment in setting fires and killing people), the unthinkable happens.
Of all the ways Eddie figured this would be resolved, bringing the Federal Bureau of Investigation in to catch this guy was quite possibly the last thing he would've guessed. Why in the world would the FBI get so involved in something like this? Maybe he didn't know as much about the FBI as he thought he did, but it still felt pretty crazy.
He (and the entire 118) learn the reason pretty quickly. When the Behavioral Analysis Unit (a unit in which Eddie didn't even know existed) shows up at the station during their shift to ask them a few questions since they were always the first on scene to the fires. They explain that they deal specifically in understanding the behavior of serial killers and figuring out who they are and how to catch them based on this behavior. Since they're on the third arson and one person has died at each scene, they were asked to come in and help.
Eddie sat through their questions no problem, trying not to let his dread get the better of him as he answered every question with the same affirmation that he doesn't know anything. He feels absolutely useless, but the agent who interviews him (a dark haired woman who introduced herself as Agent Prentiss) assures him that he did great and was of help. He's 90% sure she totally lied to his face but it made him feel a fraction of a bit better.
Once they wrap up all their questioning they informed everyone they were going to be stopping by, probably often, to see if they could find something they were missing or making connections that they hadn't considered before. Bobby had assured them that the 118 doors were wide open and they were welcome whenever.
So their lives for the past week have been a near constant influx of FBI agents in their station. Eddie doesn't have the slightest bit of problem with. Anything that would get this guy caught faster is totally fine with him (especially after another fire and another victim). It's only a tad bit unnerving to walk into your station and find two intimidating FBI agents standing in the loft, staring at the little board that had been set up.
They've done a pretty good job at working around each other, the 118 going about their usual routines while the BAU filters in and out constantly. Today is one of those such days. It'd been pretty slow (a word he only dare to utter in his own head, lest he cause panic amongst a bunch of insanely superstitious nut cases), so for the most part they'd attended to miniscule tasks. Sporadic sweeping, wiping of the truck, restocking of the ambulance. Once those things had all been done about three times, they gave into the urge to just sit and chill out. Well, Eddie gave into the urge to sit and chill, the rest of them decided to start playing video games, which means absolutely zero chill from the group.
Eddie does a pretty good job at drowning out his surroundings, given that he's not particularly in the mood to deal with Buck and Chim's constant jabs at each other, Ravi's cackling at both, and Hen's admonishment after particularly unnecessary insults. On any other day, he'd typically indulge in the chaos, thrive off of it almost, but today is just not one of those days. Today is one of those days where he sulks and has an existential crisis over every little decision he's mad in his life, particularly regarding his son.
And he's doing a pretty damn good job at it too.
That is until a figure comes up from behind him, causing him to turn his head to the side. He straightens up a little when he finds JJ, one of the members of the BAU, with two steaming cups of coffee in her hand. “Mind if I join you?” She asks, before gesturing towards the coffee. “I bring gifts.” She smiles softly at him and he can't help but smile back at the gesture.
“Of course.” He motions towards the open chair in front of him. She nods, setting one of the cups down and making her way to her own chair. Once she sits she gently cradles the coffee cup in her hands. Eddie nudges his old cup to the side, taking a sip of the new one before setting it down in front of him. They lapse into silence for a moment before it's interrupted by Chim exclaiming something about Buck cheating before both descend into loud arguing.
“They always like this?” JJ asks, letting out a small laugh when Chim reaches behind Hen to wack Buck on the shoulder.
Eddie smiles fondly and nods, looking towards the group before looking back at JJ. “Yeah, pretty much.” He affirms. For as much as he acts annoyed with his team's nonsense, he knows he couldn't possibly survive in a boring station. “Your team ever act like that?” He asks, with a laugh as another resounding smack echoes through the loft, followed by Buck declaring that he will slap Chim in the face if he hits him again.
“When we can, absolutely. Kind of crazy how easy it is for a group of grown adults to start acting like children.” She has a fond smile on her face that most definitely mirrors one on Eddie's.
“Especially when the group of grown adults are FBI agents. I thought you guys were legally obligated to be terrifying 24/7.” JJ lets out a proper laugh at that, taking a sip from her coffee to seemingly cover it up.
“God no, we hardly manage the scary FBI agent routine while on cases. Except for Hotch, it comes naturally to him.” Eddie shuffles through the faces of each of the team members they had been introduced to, quickly picking out who identified himself as Agent Hotchner.
“He seems the type.” Eddie replies, taking a drink before they both fall back into silence. His mind almost immediately drifts back to the case, to the sight of the child they were unable to save. His heart clenches at the memory before he finds himself blurting out a question he had meant to keep to himself. “Do you have kids?”
The blonde seems slightly caught off guard by the question, but answers it regardless. “Yeah, two. Henry and Michael.” She answers, eyes almost glittering with pride as she does. Eddie knows he gets the same look in his eyes when he gets to bring up Christopher. That dreamy proud gleam that comes specifically from having kids. “What about you?”
“Christopher.” He informs her, immediately reaching for his phone. It would take a monumental force to ever stop him from showing whoever it is a picture of his son. He clicks his phone on and turns it to show JJ, the picture of him, Buck, and Chris that he's had set as his lock screen for several years now shining brightly at her.
“He's adorable.” She beams at him, such sincerity in her tone that Eddie couldn't possibly mistake it for forced complimenting. In return, she pulls out her own phone and flashes him her screen. A beautifully photographed picture of JJ, what he assumes to be her husband, and their two boys is displayed proudly. The little blonde carbon copies of their mother are absolutely beautiful and Eddie relays as much. “Thank you.” She accepts the compliment, placing her phone down on the table. “They're my everything.” She sighs almost dreamily and Eddie nods at the sentiment.
“Mine too. He's my entire world.” He adjusts in his seat a little, breaking eye contact with JJ to stare down at his coffee. “How do you-” He starts before cutting himself off and restarting. “It can't be easy, leaving all the time, seeing the things you do. How do you stay sane?” It's not what he means to ask, but it comes out of his mouth regardless of what he wants. He looks back up and the smile from earlier has been replaced by an almost grim look of indifference.
“It's hard. I ask myself every time I leave for a case if I'm doing the right thing, if it really matters to my kids if I'm making a difference by helping put away monsters. Kids don't really think about why you're gone, just that you're gone. Eventually they'll learn, Henry understands better than Michael right now, but that doesn't make it any easier. And seeing the horrible things people do on a daily basis, it just makes me question everything constantly.” And Eddie really shouldn't be surprised by the answer, he already figured as much, but actually hearing said with such sincerity, with the weight of years and years of struggle lacing her tone, it's a lot. “Still I know there's nothing else I could possibly do. I love my job, and I love my team, there's nothing that could take me away from them. No matter what I do there will be a part of me that's questioning everything I do. Questioning if leaving my children to catch the people that could possibly hurt them is the right thing to do. I've just learned to be more accepting of that.”
To say Eddie is stunned would be a slight understatement. That really was not what he was expecting. Part of him wonders if she's had this talk before, but another part of him is convinced that this is years of build up that she's kept stored away.
“Wow.” He breathes out, attempting to find any words for the situation. “That's-”
“Terrible?” She asks, grimacing slightly. Eddie automatically shakes his head.
“No, no, just intense. I mean I don't think I could possibly do what you do.” He elaborates, pushing the coffee cup to the side a little. “I'd be buried in guilt, hell I left for three tours in Afghanistan and thought I was going to suffocate with just how much regret I had for leaving Chris and his mother.” Eddie isn't sure why his brain has decided this is a good moment to be particularly vulnerable, but he could come up with a number of possible reasons. The heaviness from the arsonist weighing him down, causing him to rethink every life choice and further dig himself into a hole of guilt and self doubt regarding his parenting, a big possibility. Or maybe it's the overall comforting aura that JJ gives off, or maybe the fact that she had started this whole spill your guts train. Regardless, he gives into it. “And even now, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning when I walk out that door, knowing that there's a small possibility that I'll never walk back through it, never be able to see my son again. It's-”
“The worst feeling in the world?” JJ finishes with a smile. Eddie returns the gesture, and nods his head.
“Truly the worst.” He confirms, placing both of his arms on the table. He grasps his hands together, rubbing the thumb of his left hand over the skin of his right. “I thought maybe, after a while, I'd get over it, but- It just lingers. ’
“Oh yes, I'm quite familiar with that. I'd done my job for a few years before I got pregnant, and I'd somehow lulled myself into this mindset that nothing was going to change after I had my first son. Oh, how wrong I was.” She lets out a small laugh, bringing her coffee to her lips and taking a sip before setting it back down.
“I never really got the chance to do much before I had my son. Both me and my wife were just 19, and utterly terrified. If terrified could even begin to cover it. The second I found out-” He pauses and thinks for a second, trying to decide if this is a good enough time to come out to this woman he met only a week ago, but he figures that he's already been insanely vulnerable about of bunch of other stuff that this is almost nothing, “The second I found out I was pregnant, I just wanted to run. Run away from home, run away from myself. But you can't exactly run away from an issue that grows inside your own body. Especially if you come from a semi conservative family living in Texas.” Sometimes it pains Eddie to think about that time in his life, when everything was so terrifying and uncertain. The time where he even considered the possibility of giving up his son (not that he had much of a choice in the matter of keeping him , which while he was peeved at the time, he has grown to be infinitely grateful about). It's difficult to think about, and Eddie knows it does nothing but cause more seeds of doubt, guilt, and inferiority to plant itself in his mind.
JJ, for her part, doesn't seem surprised by Eddie's admission that he was the one to carry their son. He tries to not be relieved, but after so long of being terrified of people's reactions regarding his gender identity, anyone confirming that they couldn't give less of a shit makes him feel like he's floating on cloud nine. Eddie sucks in a deep breath before continuing to spill his guts. “I don't regret a moment I've had with my son, but there's always a part of me that wonders if he would have had a better life if I hadn't made half of the decisions I had.” A heaviness washes over them, and Eddie realizes just how deep he went. He quickly tries to recover, letting out an awkward cough and leaning back on his seat. “And that's something I should probably admit to my therapist, not an FBI agent trying to hunt down an arsonist.”
JJ laughs and shakes her head, placing her cup down. “Hey, I opened the door. You've heard more about my insecurities than some of my best friends have. It's nice to be able to talk in a judgment free zone with someone you know who can relate. I love my team to death, but the only one who had kids is Hotch, and I think even you could tell he's not the most emotionally vulnerable guy.” And yeah, Eddie definitely could tell. The unit chief basically screamed of emotional repression and a habit of bottling things up until it eventually exploded (Eddie is pretty good at recognizing the demeanor, given his own penchant for repressing his own emotions until they got volatile).
“Really? Could've sworn he was the kind of guy to talk the next available person’s ear off about whatever it is bothering him.” Eddie quipped back, lifting the mood a little bit. He truly hadn't meant to make it that depressing, but there was just something so calming and open about JJ's presence that made Eddie want to tell her his entire life's story.
“Oh yeah, total open book.” She responds with a smile, sarcasm dripping from her tone. “Trust me,” Her voice grows a little serious once more and Eddie feels the shift back into their previous conversation. “I may not have had the same exact experience you did, but I know what it feels like to be terrified that you're not doing enough for your family. I know it's not going to do much to say to not sweat the stuff you can control, but I will say, I think you're doing pretty great.” And that- means more than Eddie ever considered the kind words from a stranger meaning. He's had people tell him he's doing great, especially after Shannon died, but they never felt- real. It was as if they were telling him what they thought he needed to hear, when really at the time all he needed to hear was that he was surviving and that's good enough. He didn't want to be doing great. He wanted to be doing enough for both him and his son to survive, but everyone just insisted that he was doing so much better than he actually was, and it tacked on a layer of expectations he didn't need. Like he had to force himself to be doing great so that he could live up to everyone's view of him.
But now, doing great means more than unrealistic expectations. Now it feels- right. Like he actually is doing great, now that he's no longer drowning underneath the weight of everything. Even with all the doubts and insecurities of his past (and what may happen in the future) longer over him, right in this moment, he's happy, his son is happy, and that's enough. That's great.
“Wow-” He breathes out, trying to stop himself from getting choked up. “Thank you.” He finishes, not quite able to put every emotion he's feeling into words. He's not sure JJ needed him to, so he feels a thank you is good enough for the time being. “You should be a therapist or something, you're really good at talking to people.” Eddie compliments with a laugh, and JJ joins in.
“My main job for several years was focused on talking to people, I got pretty good at it.” She winks and Eddie can't help but wish this woman wasn't an FBI agent living in Virginia, and instead lived here and could be his best friend forever. “Plus, like I said, I understand some of your struggles. I know what I've wanted to hear so many times in the past.”
Eddie nods in understanding before an idea pops into his head and whips out his phone. He quickly goes to his contacts and opens a new one, handing it to JJ. “I'd like to stay in contact, if you do. I know you guys will be leaving soon, but I don't want this to be the first and last time we talk.” JJ takes the phone almost immediately, typing in her information before giving the phone back.
“Of course, this was really nice.” She confirms, easing the little inkling of Eddie's fears creeping in, telling him that he was wildly overbearing and came off too strong. “I'm sure we'll be back in LA at some point, and the next time we are, I'd love to meet Christopher.”
Eddie beams at that and nods. “I'd absolutely love that. Maybe we could get him and your sons on FaceTime. Chris is always down to make new friends. And he's way more charming than I am.”
JJ laughs and ends it with a soft smile, before starting up a new conversation, segwaying into talking about Henry, Michael, and Will (giving Eddie the perfect opportunity to gush about Chris and Buck). Something warm blooms within Eddie’s chest, allowing him to bask in in the joy of a welcome, yet unexpected new friendship.