Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

If you asked Eddie what happened in those first few weeks after Christopher left, he honestly couldn’t tell you. The mornings mostly look the same - his own personal, nightmarish Groundhog Day. He wakes up right before Christopher normally does, walks into the hallway mentally prepared for school morning madness - then immediately gets bowled over by the silence in the house. No sleepy teenage grumbling about the day ahead. No knocking of Chris’s hands against the walls, keeping himself steady. No sunny smile and “morning, dad” undercut by an obnoxiously teenage eye roll at Eddie’s grunt in response because Eddie is many things, but morning person? He is not.

That’s about the point where Eddie’s heart shatters over again.

Shannon is dead and Christopher is in Texas and Eddie has never, ever been so alone.

He’s still working, but Bobby had insisted he at least cut his number of shifts down to get some proper rest in between and sort his head out. The days between them become a blur, broken up only by appointments with Frank, and Pepa, Abuela and Buck knocking on his door, dropping off groceries and keeping him company the way Eddie doesn’t deserve.

Sometimes Buck and Tommy both come by and the three of them go through the motions of watching a game and having a beer together. Eddie doesn’t quite know how to feel about it. He needs the company, but after they leave, the loneliness seems to echo through the house even louder - and he can’t ever say that to Buck, because it would break his damn heart. Eddie’s heart, meanwhile, seems to have endless capacity for breaking. So here he is again, watching through the kitchen window as the Jeep pulls up in his driveway.

He hears the knock at the door and takes a bracing breath, plasters on a smile that cracks at the edges, but Buck and Tommy are always too polite to point that out.

“Hey, man!” Eddie watches Buck disentangle his hands from Tommy’s at the last possible second before he engulfs Eddie in one of those patented Buckley hugs. He can’t resist burying his face a little in Buck’s neck - it’s been too long. Buck always says he never lets go of a hug until the other person does, so Eddie usually starts a 10 second countdown in his head, to remind himself to pull away.

Tommy pulls him in for a hug next, claps his hand on his back and offers a “good to see you, man” before the three of them head in.

Eddie watches Tommy and Buck gravitate together again in the hallway, Tommy’s hand casual against Buck’s lower back. He keeps catching himself lately, watching them like that and he has to swallow down the guilt every time. Because he can’t deny feeling kind of - off balance around Tommy nowadays. They don’t quite have that ease they had before and Eddie doesn’t know why, or how to find it again.

Regardless, Eddie finds himself bantering with Tommy about the latest in MMA, while Buck sets up the lounge room, so comfortably you’d think he were hosting, not Eddie. And soon it’s time for the conversation they have every time, when Tommy and Buck sit on the couch and Eddie heads to the armchair.

“Excuse me, sit down with us!” Buck insists, sounding borderline offended. Like every other time, Eddie looks at the too-small space next to Buck. The thing is, if it was just him and Buck, or the two of them and Chris, he wouldn’t think twice about it. But with Tommy there, it feels… something. He can’t put his finger on it.

“Nah man, you two should have your space,” Eddie replied.

“How many times do we have to have the same argument? Come and sit down. It’s okay, we’re not here on a date - we want to hang out with you,” Tommy says in that serious way of his.

Buck looks from Tommy to Eddie with this flushed, pleased look on his face that screams ‘my best friend and my boyfriend are getting along!’ - and how can Eddie say no? The three of them squeeze onto the couch under Buck’s direction, and after a few minutes of grumbling and elbowing for room, settle down to watch. Buck’s arms are draped obnoxiously wide over the back of the couch, his left hand falling to rest possessively on Tommy’s pec, while his right settles lightly on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie valiantly ignores the urge to curl in closer.

MMA is more Eddie and Tommy’s thing, although Buck seems determined to catch up. He comments on the game, asks questions and swears at the TV along with Tommy and Eddie. He gets excited and jostles around and he uses the arm on Eddie’s side to reach for beer and snacks, so he can keep the other arm on Tommy. Eddie puts it down to being lonely and touch-starved that he’s aware of every movement Buck makes. That’s the only reason he notices when Bucks wrist brushes against Eddie’s facial hair, and suddenly Buck startles and draws away from him.

Eddie runs his hands over his jaw, suddenly self-conscious.

“Ah, sorry, did I scratch you?”

He has gotten pretty unkempt recently, come to think of it - it’s been a solid while since his last shift. Particularly because he had to call in sick to a few of them and see Frank instead.

Buck shakes his head and laughs. “Don’t worry about it man, it just - took me by surprise I guess.”

“Well, I’ll have to shave it all before our next shift, so enjoy it while it lasts I guess.”

“Oh, but it’s - uh, I mean -“ Buck is oddly tongue-tied. Eddie looks to Tommy for help, but he only shakes his head and laughs.

“Have you thought about keeping some of it? You’ve definitely earned the moustache by now. And he’d rock the look, don’t you think babe?”

Tommy nudges Buck and there’s definitely something weird going on; Buck is flushed bright red. He doesn’t seem sad or upset, though, so Eddie just shrugs.

“Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Could be good to have a change,” he muses.

“I’m gonna top up the popcorn,” Buck announces. He stands up and points at them “Don’t go anywhere!”

Eddie watches him go before looking over at Tommy. He catches the fond look in Tommy’s eye, and you know what? It’s nice. Buck deserves something nice for once.

“What was all that about?”

Tommy laughs again. “Don’t look at me - you’ll have to ask Evan,” he says.

It must be some in joke between him and Buck, which twists something inside Eddie, so he shoves the feeling down and takes another pull from his beer and refocuses on the TV.

For a few blissful hours, he lets himself forget about the quiet night that lies patiently in wait for when he’s alone again.

By some unspoken rule, they have agreed that Eddie is allowed to pretend it’s all fine when the three of them are together. But as soon as it’s just Eddie and Buck, the pretence falls away. And Tommy had an early shift, so he left, and now it’s just Buck and Eddie and they’ve turned the TV down and Buck’s thumb is soothing up and down Eddie’s shoulder and he’s turning to look at him-

“So… you doing okay?”

Eddie nods yes on instinct, but Buck waits him out.

“I - I’ve been seeing Frank a lot.”

The sympathy on Buck’s face is almost too much to bear. Eddie picks at the label on his beer and sends his thousand-yard stare towards the TV.

“He’s been telling me for a while now that I need to name my feelings. Actually name them, not just interpret them as anger, find something to punch and move on. Even if I can only name it in my head or on a piece of paper to burn later. Even if naming it makes me feel like just, the absolute worst person in the world… Frank said I should name that feeling, too.”

Eddie scoffs at himself, almost loud enough to conceal the small, hurt sound Buck makes.

“Dr Copeland makes me do that too.”

“I know. You’re so good at it.”

“Not really.”

“You are,” Eddie insists. “You’ve been getting so good at it. You know I’m so - I’m so proud of you.”

Eddie turns to catch Buck blushing and ducking to hide his smile.

“See, you’re doing fine,” Buck teases. “Pride is a feeling.”

“Yeah, but that one’s easy. I’m always proud of you. I’m proud of Christopher every day.”

It’s not quite as easy as Eddie claims to actually say the words out loud, but it is definitely one of the easier ones. But he can tell Buck won’t be deterred and so he’s almost ready when the next question comes.

“Would you tell me a harder one?”

Eddie’s breath comes out shaky. Sad. Relieved. Overwhelmed. Lonely, guilty, ashamed. Fucking bereft, sometimes. **How can he even begin to explain all of that?`

“I’m - I miss Christopher.”

“That’s another easy one - you’ve said that almost every day since he left. So have I,” Buck points out.

“I guess I - fuck why is this so hard?”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to-“

“No, I - I want to, and I want to get an A+ from Frank, so-“

“Just gotta be top of your class in everything, don’t you, Diaz?”

They both laugh for a moment and Buck squeezes his arm. Eddie’s feels the warmth from it right down to his bones.

“Lonely. I feel lonely. Every day, this house is just so damn empty, but then some days when I realise there’s nobody relying on me I feel relieved, and then that makes me feel like a terrible father and then I just spiral -“

Suddenly Buck is pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. Eddie snaps his mouth shut, his breath caught in his chest.

“You’re the best dad I’ve ever seen, Eddie, and I promise you - taking some time for yourself doesn’t take away from that. Do you hear me?”

Eddie nods into Buck’s neck. His throat goes tight in an effort not to cry.

“Every single thing you’re feeling is completely understandable. It’s okay to be relieved that some of the responsibility is off your shoulders right now. It’s okay, Eddie, I promise you.”

Eddie nods again and this time he feels a slight tremor go through Buck. Buck pulls back, taking Eddie’s jaw in his hands, rubbing slightly at the scruff there before he pulls away, leaving Eddie feeling cold.

“Seriously dude, have you always had the softest facial hair known to mankind? What conditioner are you using? You must share your secrets!’

Eddie shrugs helplessly. “I guess I’ve just grown it out longer than usual? Haven’t been this long between shifts in a while.”

“I know, asshole, I’ve missed my partner at every shift,” Buck teases, elbowing Eddie before he settles in to the couch against him, shoulder to shoulder. It’s an easy segue into Buck complaining about life at the 118 without Eddie, and Eddie feels the tension bleed out of him as Buck talks.

Buck is even more tactile than usual, and suggests podcasts for Eddie to listen to so maybe he won’t feel so alone when he leaves for Tommy’s. And isn't that a kick to the guts.

Eddie hates himself for missing the days when one of them was hurt or injured and the other would stay overnight, no questions asked, but he knows that's not fair to expect of Buck - or of Tommy.

Buck gives him another hug before he leaves, and Eddie counts down from 20 seconds this time. Then he's gone and Eddie rubs at his facial hair. He doesn't know what Buck was talking about - it's not soft at all.

When Maddie asks him to look after Jee for a few hours, Eddie agrees before he can really think about it. He’s trying to take time for himself, speed-run this whole ‘sorting his head out’ thing, but díos it can get monotonous sometimes. And watching Jee would give him an excuse to send an update to Christopher, he’d have something more to say on the phone and maybe it wouldn’t be so stilted and awful and maybe Christopher would decide to-

Anyway.

Babysitting.

Maddie tells him to come over early so they can have breakfast together before she heads out. The first thing she says when she opens the door is, “Wow, Buck really wasn’t kidding about the moustache, huh? It looks great on you, Eddie!”

Eddie can’t help but smile. He and Frank had agreed that part of sorting his head out would be actually taking care of himself a little bit. So today he actually styled his hair and trimmed his moustache, even if he was just seeing family. That is - Buck’s family.

“Thanks Maddie - hi Jee!” He gives the kid a wave which she returns shyly.

“Come through! Chim’s not here - I’m meeting him later.”

They head into the apartment and set up a breakfast spread together, taking turns keeping Jee entertained.

It’s not long after they sit down to eat that Maddie asks, “so, are you doing okay with everything?”

Eddie sighs. “What has Buck been saying about me?” He doesn’t mean for it to come out so plaintively, but there it is, and it seems to set off older sister mode in Maddie because she fixes him with a look that sees right into his soul. It makes him startlingly homesick for a moment, thinking of his own sisters.

“Evan didn’t have to say anything to me, Eddie. You’ve been through a lot.”

Oh God, he can actually feel a lump forming in his throat, already. He wants the earth to swallow him up. Name the feeling, Frank’s voice says in his head and he thinks it’s embarrassment or shame, but they don’t quite fit. Maddie seems to be waiting for a response so he just stutters out, “Um - yeah, I mean, it’s been a lot. But I’m okay.”

Maddie nods. “I remember saying that when I wasn’t okay at all,” she says. “So I might not believe you right now, but I do believe you will be okay some day.”

Eddie isn’t really sure how to respond to that. He tries to remember what happened back when Maddie disappeared but he only has the broad strokes - the big things that upset Buck. To be completely honest, he hasn’t thought too much about Maddie’s experience of it all, beyond basic sympathy.

“Are you? Okay, now, I mean?” He asks, before he can talk himself out of it.

“I’m better than ever.” Maddie gives him an appraising look for a moment before she continues. “I think I’ll always be a little - I don’t know, I think I’ve always been a bit prone to depression. I didn’t think much of it until they asked me at the hospital. There was Daniel, then Doug, you know, I always had an obvious reason for it. Then post-partum just - it made no sense to me, because Jee was everything I could ever want. She was everything to me.” Her eyes are shining when she looks over at Jee. “But I was convinced that she would be better off without me.”

Eddie palms a tear off his cheek. “I know that feeling.”

Maddie smiles gives him a sad smile. “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

“Christ, neither would I. You know, I feel like I fail Christopher every day of my life. Especially recently. But the one thing I didn’t fail at is - not giving in to that feeling.” The sentence comes out shaky and his throat clicks shut as soon as it’s over. It’s the closest he’s gotten to admitting to someone outside his therapist’s office, how bad things had gotten for him after the shooting. He hadn’t even talked about it with Buck, although Eddie is sure Buck just got it on some level, the way he always does.

There’s just something about the Buckleys, he supposes.

Meanwhile, Maddie only nods. Her next words come out in a whisper.

“Jee could’ve been hurt, she could have - grown up without her mother. And I missed so many firsts… it feels like such a betrayal. Like, how can I possibly deserve to just walk back into her life after all of that? But I’m working on accepting that it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t myself, and it won’t do her any good for me to punish myself forever. I have to get myself to a better place, for her.”

“I’m sorry you went through that,” Eddie whispers. There’s not much point hiding the tears now and they’re both crying, anyway. Somewhere along the way Maddie clasped his hand in hers and she squeezes it now, once, before she lets go.

His heart hurts for her, and for himself, he just kind of - aches all over, like he’s pressed on a bruise to remind himself it still hurts. He swipes a hand down his face and coughs in an attempt to collect himself.

“I missed a lot of Christopher’s firsts when I was on tour. There’s gonna be so many more.”

“You must miss him.”

“So much. He’s all I have. For a while there I was all he had… I guess I should be glad he has somewhere else to go now. But I just want him back. I wish I could take it all back.”

And he’s a lost cause again, hiding his face in his hands and letting his shoulders shake with tears. Maddie pats his back.

“God, sorry Eddie. It’s just like me to invite you over to breakfast only to make us both cry.”

They both laugh and Eddie gathers himself enough to say, “it’s okay, I’m just a little - I’ve been going to therapy a lot and I basically cry at the drop of a hat now. God, sorry I’m such a mess -”

“Don’t you dare apologise!” Maddie swats him on the shoulder. She smiles at him through her tears and Eddie realises it wasn’t embarrassment or shame he felt before, it was some un-nameable thing he felt at being seen, being cared for, that for some reason made him want to hide away.

“It’s good to talk about it sometimes. And I know we don’t know each other that well, but I just want you to know you can talk to me, okay? I can almost guarantee, when it comes to parenting, nothing you can say will shock me.”

“Thanks, Maddie. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Of course Jee chooses that moment to send her cereal bowl flying - and the day begins in earnest.

Eddie to Christopher: Jee says hi!

[selfie of Eddie and Jee covered in the remains of her cereal, Maddie throwing in a peace sign from the background]

[Seen.]

Maddie to Buck: the stache is stache-ing

[candid of Eddie playing with Jee, a huge grin on his face, glowing in the morning sun pouring in]

omg

maddie

are you actually trying to kill me

because it’s working

Chapter Text

Eddie’s not sure how many weeks have passed before Frank makes him talk about dating.

He could feel it coming. It was lurking underneath the things they’d talked about - what Eddie saw his future looking like. What went wrong with Ana, and Marisol even before Kim showed up. How, even though the situation with Kim had been a complete and utter debacle, it did give him a way to let go, in some strange way, say the things he needed to say to Shannon. Her memory didn’t hold on to him the way it did before.

Frank asks him what he wanted in a partner.

Frank asks him, with a kind of gentleness that made Eddie squirm, if that partner strictly needed to be a woman.

The thing is, if Frank had asked a year - maybe even six months ago - Eddie would have said yes, obviously? Christopher needed a mother and Eddie wanted a girlfriend, maybe a wife one day, and - and - he didn't like men that way anyway, not really, and even if he did, just a little, it was kind of late for that now, wasn't it?

Frank says, “I'm not asking you a year ago, Eddie, I'm asking you now.”

“Well I - maybe I'd say the same thing,” Eddie mutters.

Frank tilts his head. Eddie definitely isn't getting an A+ in therapy today.

“Eddie, your best friend just came out and he's what? 30-something? Did you tell him it's too late for him?”

“Of course not!” Eddie snaps. “But it's different for him.”

“How?”

“He - hes Buck, and, I don't know, he found someone who made it worth all the trouble.”

The answer hangs in the air between them and Eddie's stomach swoops with a vague, panicky understanding that he shouldn’t have said that out loud. Now that it’s out in the universe, it’ll take on a life of its own. He won’t be able to put the lid back on it. It’ll claw its way out of him and leave carnage in its wake.

Frank seems to sense his hesitation and pauses.

“Would you prefer to come back to this later?”

Eddie grits his teeth. “Nah, come on Frank. Do your worst.”

And Frank does, but he saves his absolute worst for the last few minutes- he's evil that way.

“I'd like us to return to your intention for being here. Why do you keep coming to see me?”

This routine; Frank asks him every few sessions when he gets that uncanny sixth sense that Eddie needs… re-centering. This time, it feels a bit like a set-up, but Eddie answers anyway.

“For Christopher. So I can be a good dad, and a good example for him. So he can be proud of me.”

“And all this trouble you’re going to - coming here to therapy multiple times a week, trying to ‘speed-run’ getting your head together - you feel like it’s worth it? For him? Even the parts that aren’t strictly about him?“

“Of course it is.“

“So when you said earlier, that it was different for Buck, because he had someone who made it worth all the trouble…”

Eddie crosses his arms, feeling raw. But he allows Frank one singular nod.

“Eddie, look. There's no rush to work this out, okay? There’s no time limit, at all. I just want you to remember you already have someone who makes it worth the trouble. It's not someone you might date one day. It's the family you already have. It’s Christopher, who - I’d be willing to bet - just wants you to be happy. And he deserves to see you happy, whatever that means for you.”

Maddie’s voice echoes in his head, I have to get myself to a better place, for her, along with Carla, that day she told him to stop dating for Christopher’s sake rather than following his own heart. And it probably means something, that the idea of ‘following his heart’ has him scoffing internally, that it’s always been a concept that applies to other people, not himself.

Eddie can’t pretend that this - whatever this is - doesn’t affect Christopher, not when his failed attempts at relationships keep upending his son's life.

What if it actually is because he’s…

When his appointment ends he asks Bobby for a week off.

Then he goes home, turns on Incognito mode, and starts googling.

Eddie to Christopher: I got a new houseplant. Want to name her? [Picture of a cactus on the windowsill]

Scrunkle

… do I need to check urban dictionary before I agree to that?

“Skibidi?”

Eddie to Buck: Hey, I’m gonna be off work a bit more this week. Sorry. Probably means more quality probie time for you.

all good man

you okay?

you need anything?

I’m okay. Just therapy stuff to process.

as long as you’re okay 🫂

Promise I’m alright 😀

okay boomer. There is a time and place for that emoji and

this is not it

Christopher thinks I should name the new plant Skibidi. [photo attached]

asfsdkjfhsdkjh do not do that

message me if you want company okay? any time. i’m serious.

I know. I will.

<3

[seen.]

Eddie to Christopher: Buck says no to Skibidi. Sorry bud.

so that’s a yes to Scrunkle then

Eddie to Hen: hey have you got time to catch up some time soon?

Of course i do, boo. I’ll check my calendar. You ok? ❤️

Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just Frank, my therapist, he said some things that got me thinking about sexuality. But it’s not urgent

EDDIE!! I am coming over after this shift. You’re lucky gay fairy godmother duties outrank actual parenting

And don’t worry, i won’t mention to anyone.

We all love you, you know. Even if it turns out you’re straight after all 😉

😂 ❤️

It’s Hen who suggests Bobby’s church. She says the priest there is young and queer-friendly and Eddie hasn’t been to church in a long while but he figures if there was ever a time, it’s now.

Eddie wasn’t expecting… him.

The thing is, Eddie has been testing out looking at people - men - differently. It was something Frank suggested. Just as an experiment, without jumping to the reasons why - he’s meant to be curious about how he sees people. He’s meant to practice not shutting it down with those well-worn excuses, trying over and over to get back to how things were supposed to be. He’s meant to name the feeling - even when the feeling is more along the lines of ‘horny’ than ‘depressed’.

The priest has a jawline that could cut glass and blonde stubble that frames delicate lips with a perfect little Cupid’s bow. He’s pretty, and it’s all somehow intensified by the priest collar, and Eddie, uh - he kind of loses the ability to speak for a moment.

The priest only quirks his eyebrows in concern and ushers Eddie over to the confession box.

In the dark, Eddie feels like a kid again. The sign of the Cross comes to him in muscle memory.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he murmurs. The priest’s lips flash in his mind again and he swallows, nervous. Yep, that was definitely a sin.

“When was your last confession?” The priest asks.

“I, uh… a few years ago.”

“It’s good to have you here today.” His tone is mild and non-judgmental and somehow eases the guilt that is attempting to tear Eddie up from the inside. Still, he chews the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out what to say. As bizarre as this is to do in a confession box of all places, the words come out easier when he doesn’t have to look someone in the face.

“I came to ask you. Um. My friend said this church is queer-friendly and I guess I’m trying to figure out if I might be bi, or gay, or - something, I’m not sure.”

When he was googling, he came across the term demisexual and that honestly sounded pretty accurate, but it feels too… obscure, too fussy, somehow. Take it slow, Hen had reminded him when his breath started coming in too short. Don’t worry too much about labels right now.

“We are definitely queer-friendly here. Unconditionally so. Also - in the interest of full disclosure Eddie, I’m actually gay.”

Eddie blinks into the darkness. Fuck, he really loves LA sometimes.

“You are?”

The priest huffs a quiet laugh.

“Yeah. So whatever you came here to say, trust me, I’ve most likely heard it before. Probably even from my own mouth.”

“Oh.” Eddie’s head is spinning a little. “So does that mean - you don’t think it’s a sin?”

“Hmm. What do you believe?”

Eddie has the eerie feeling he’s sitting back in Frank’s office.

“Well… some of my best friends in the world - the best people I’ve ever known - are queer. And I just can’t reconcile that there is some kind of Hell waiting for them. They’re just good, to their core, all of them. So I know… it can’t be wrong, really.”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

“I can’t shake the feeling that it’s different for me. Like - my parents raised me to know better, somehow.”

“So your friends can sin and still be worthy of God’s love, but you can’t?”

“They’re not sinning,” Eddie protests, automatically coming to his friends’ defence. He rubs his eyes, frustrated. “Fuck, I’m not making any sense, am I. This is partly why I left the church in the first place.”

The priest hums, thoughtful. “I understand. This isn’t an overnight process, okay? Based on what you’ve said today, it might help to start by unpacking what your faith looks like to you, and see how it differs to your parents, or your family.”

Eddie frowns. He’s been doing that. It’s part of why he and Chris don’t go to Church so often as Eddie did, growing up. He didn’t want Chris growing up with all the same pressures Eddie did.

Maybe that’s how he ended up here.

He heaves a deep sigh. “Back to therapy I go,” he jokes, but his voice comes out a little weak.

“You’re not alone in this. We have a support group here, every Friday, for men in similar situations to yours. You’re very welcome to come. In the meantime, is there some way I can help? What were you hoping for when you came here today?”

Eddie is silent for a long while, searching for an honest answer. He feels tears gather and fall down his cheek in the darkness. Confessional is for confessing your sins and seeking God's forgiveness, but he doesn’t think penance is what he’s looking for, not really.

“I think maybe I was hoping for… reassurance. Permission,” he whispers.

The priest makes a sympathetic sound.

“I can reassure you that it’s more than okay to be queer. In fact, your sexuality is part of God’s gift to you. Connecting with that part of yourself is another way of recognising that all that He creates is perfect. As for permission…” the priest sounds almost apologetic. “I believe that can only come from you.”

Eddie is straight-up weeping now and gives up trying to do it quietly. He sniffs loudly instead of saying anything.

“Would it be okay if I lead you in a prayer?” The priest asks.

“Yeah,” Eddie chokes out.

“God of community, encompassing all that was, that is and that can be, who brings to birth each precious being in your creation; we thank you for our capacity to love, and for your love to be poured out on us. We pray for your blessing on us and our community. May our lives be enriched by their presence, and blessed by their gifts. Grant us grace and humility to heal past hurts, and transform us, that together we may take our place in your Kingdom. Amen.”

The ritual is calming, and by the end Eddie’s breathing is under control and he’s not crying quite so hard. He feels more centered than he has in a long time.

Then the priest’s phone rings through the confession box and they both jump about a mile in the air.

“Oh, wow, I am so sorry,” the priest apologies, audibly fumbling to shut his phone off.

“Don’t be,” Eddie laughs, standing up to leave. He wipes his face clean and he thinks, this place is perfect.

Eddie to Hen: You couldn’t have warned me the priest is gay? And GORGEOUS?

Nope 🙂

Chapter Text

Eddie heads back to work a week after visiting the church and his sexuality crisis is still looming over him, but he thinks he managed to get it down to a simmer. He's early to the firehouse because his brain still hasn't figured out how to account for Christopher not being around. He gets changed, heads up to the loft and finds a patch of sunlight to sip on his second coffee of the morning while B shift wraps up.

When Buck arrives at the top of the stairs he waves at Eddie absent-mindedly. Then, he does a full-on double take and trips on nothing, only just catching himself on the rail before he hits the ground. Eddie laughs, a little meanly, but gets up to greet his best friend - Tommy and Buck had gone on some couples getaway so Eddie hasn’t seen his best friend in over a week. Soon they’re laughing and hugging and God Eddie has missed him.

Buck steps back, keeping an hand on Eddie’s shoulder and flicks his gaze over him, clearly checking for some indication of how this week has gone. Eddie is suddenly all too aware of his pulse beating steady against Buck’s thumb.

“How have you been?”

“Honestly, not too bad.”

“Yeah? You look good. I - I’ve missed you.” Buck is so painfully earnest, something lurches in Eddie’s chest. He loops his fingers over Buck’s wrist, feels the strong pulse there and responds, “you, too.”

“Eddie are you aware some kind of creature has taken up residence on your face?” Chimney cuts in as he slumps into one of the kitchen chairs.

Eddie just rolls his eyes. “Ha, ha.”

He figures Chim has got a few shifts’ worth of moustache jokes up his sleeve. Actually, he’s kind of looking forward to hearing all of them.

Eddie and Buck plan to get breakfast after their shift and when they get to the diner, Eddie orders the big breakfast and Buck orders pancakes which they’ll split between each other, and they both order milkshakes. After that initial flurry of activity, Eddie is left for a few moments to watch the morning sun form a halo around Buck while he texts Tommy good morning, with this unbearably fond smile on his face.

He promised he’d be curious about how he saw men, so he’s trying, he is, and. (Honestly, fuck you Frank, because -) Buck is beautiful.

He’s really fucking beautiful, anyone with eyes could see that, in fact Eddie wonders how he never noticed before.

Then again, his favourite version of him was always this soft, sun-kissed Buck.

Before he can follow that train of thought any further, Buck looks up, setting his phone face down on the table.

“Sorry, sorry - where were we?”

Eddie quirks his eyebrows towards the phone.

“How are things with Tommy?”

Buck gives an easy grin. “Yeah, man, things are good. We’re - he’s - um, are you sure you want to hear about this?”

Eddie frowns, confused. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Things have been so hard for you lately. I guess maybe I’m more accustomed to us both being miserable and lonely at the same time?”

That gets a laugh out of both of them. He has a point, though Eddie hadn’t thought about it before - in the past they had been oddly in sync when it came to dating.

“Buck, come on. Just because my life has gone off the rails, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about yours.”

Buck’s grin comes back in full force.

“Oh you’re so going to regret that…”

Eddie listens to him ramble with an indulgent smile. Tommy and Buck seem like they’re good together; Eddie would never admit out loud that he doesn’t think it will work out long term, especially since he’s not entirely sure why. He can only hope it doesn’t shape up to be another Abby situation.

After a while Buck seems to be running out of things to gush about Tommy, and Eddie frowns, because he hasn’t mentioned their sex life even once. And they aren’t the type of friends to overshare, really, but it was never just - ignored like this. So he waits for the moment where it looks like Buck will change the subject, and he tries his best to ask the same way he would ask about any one of Buck’s past partners. He puts on an over the top leer and leans in over the table, wiggling his eyebrows.

“So I take it things are going well in the bedroom, too?”

Buck blushes red so quickly that Eddie can’t help but laugh. “Yeah. Really good. Uh - no complaints at all. I guess it’s all been pretty new to me, and Tommy has been, um, patient.”

“Good. I mean he’d better be, or I’d have to follow through on that shovel talk I gave him. And I don’t fancy trying to hide a body his size.”

Buck chokes on his milkshake and they both shake with laughter. Then Eddie goes and ruins the moment by saying -

”You never told me much about how you knew you’re - you know, um, that you like men.”

He winces internally. It’s not the first time that’s happened this week - he’s so awkward talking about sexuality that he somehow goes full circle to sounding homophobic. It’s only made worse by Buck fidgeting awkwardly in return.

“Umm, no , I guess I didn’t?”

He looks so unsure, Eddie scrambles for a way to dial it back. “Sorry, we can forget I said that-“

“No, Eddie, it’s okay. I actually want to get more comfortable talking about it. And my best friend is probably a good place to start with that, right? So… what do you want to know?”

“Did you always know?” Eddie blurts it out.

Because that’s what’s been weighing on him - how could he have never known?

Buck hums, gathering his thoughts as he slouches a little in his seat, his knee knocking, reassuring, against Eddie’s under the table.

“You know, it’s funny. I kind of did, in a way. I would check out a hot guy’s ass, or even make out with a guy on a night out. But I definitely also like women, so I just… thought I was straight. Like, I genuinely believed your average straight guy thought the same way as me, and nobody talked about it, because it would make them sound gay? But - and this may come as a shock to you - it turns out straight men actually aren’t attracted to men.” Buck grins ruefully.

“I think I also actively ignored it. I mean, I was usually seeing a girl one way or another. It’s hard to explain, but somehow, it didn’t seem like it mattered, so I just didn’t think about it. And you wouldn’t believe the kinds of signals I missed. I barely even realised Tommy and I were flirting until he kissed me, but looking back now, it’s so obvious.”

Eddie only has to nod his head show he’s listening, and Buck continues.

“Tommy and I talk about it a lot - his experience was so different. He knew it would never work with a woman. He couldn’t convince himself he was just another straight guy, like I did. He knew who he was, but he felt like he had to bury it to survive. Had a fake girlfriend and everything.”

Buck gets this maudlin, far-away look on his face for a moment before he shakes it off. Then he gives Eddie that look that always just has Eddie spilling his guts, and Eddie’s mouth is opening before he even knows what will come out of it.

“I know it’s not the same, but all those years that Shannon and I were basically separated… I never once considered dating. I just thought, ‘I’m married and I’m a single father’, and I put it all in a box, and got on with things. I didn’t think at all about what else I could want - it just didn’t seem like it mattered. I already had my narrative and I was sticking to it.”

“Yeah, that's exactly it. It’s crazy how Olympics-level mental gymnastics can feel totally natural in the moment.”

“Amen to that,” Eddie says, and they clink their milkshakes together in a toast. It gets Buck to smile and Eddie can’t help but smile in return, even though his insides are swirling uncomfortably.

“One of the most unsettling things is looking back at myself. I mean, it’s one thing to miss signals from other people, but then to be oblivious to your own behaviour - like, you know when we went to Texas for the wildfires?”

Of course - Eddie could never forget. At times, it had felt like the closest thing to a warzone he’d experienced since his tour.

“I was talking to TK and I said if he ever finds himself in LA, we should catch up. And he basically said, ‘sure, but you should know I already have a boyfriend’. I was totally confused at the time, but looking back - from his perspective it must have seemed like I was flirting with him. And then I think about it a bit more and I’m like… maybe I actually was flirting? Is it even possible to come onto someone without knowing you're doing it?”

This is clearly something Buck hasn’t quite figured out yet, because he looks totally flummoxed.

Equally at a loss, Eddie nudges an extra bit of bacon over to Buck’s plate. It puts a smile back on Buck’s face so he counts that as a win.

Eddie takes a bracing breath. The question on the tip of his tongue feels too revealing, somehow, but he feels compelled to ask.

“You don’t have to answer this, and it’s going to sound stupid but - how do you know you’re not actually… gay?”

Buck laughs. “Did you miss the part where I said all that stuff about liking women?”

“No, I heard you, I just - how do you -“ Eddie is in too deep, he realises. There’s no way to rephrase this because really, what he’s asking is -

“So what you actually mean is, how do I really know I like women?”

Eddie feels terribly, horribly seen.

“I mean… the same way any straight person would? How do you know you like women?”

Scratch that - Eddie feels terribly, horribly misunderstood.

“I-“

Eddie’s words dry up entirely. Buck’s big blue eyes look at him for a moment as if he’s a puzzle to work out. Then Eddie detects an almost imperceptible shift in his expression - it’s the tiniest thing, something Eddie couldn’t even describe to another person, but somehow, it feels like a turning point.

“Ah, sorry, I’m just a little touchy about it because I question myself constantly. I’ve gathered that kinda comes with the whole package of being bisexual. But… I’m like 99% sure I’m not gay.”

Buck’s voice takes on a gentle quality, slightly to the left of his usual ‘2am Wikipedia deep dive infodump’ tone. “I’ve been reading up on it, and I know I can - and have - loved women in all the ways - sexually, sensually, emotionally, romantically. I can imagine myself falling in love and growing old and sharing my life with a woman. So - yeah, I like women. And that all goes for men, too. And, I guess I haven’t met that many people who are nonbinary or anything, but I don’t see why not?”

Eddie manages a nod and a sips his milkshake to get his tongue working again. “That, uh - yeah, that makes sense.”

Buck searches his eyes for another moment, a slight crinkle of concern between his eyebrows. Then his gaze flicks down and it smoothes out into amusement.

“You’ve got a little -“ Bucks’ thumb brushes the edge of Eddie’s moustache and the touch leaves him tingling. Burning with sudden, uncharacteristic embarrassment, Eddie hurries to grab a napkin and wipe his face down.

“Gone?”

Buck reaches out again and Eddie's breath catches in his throat because Buck just fucking - takes Eddie’s jaw in his fingers and tilts it under his assessing gaze. And it says something about how codependent they are that Buck has actually done this exact thing before, mostly on ice cream outings with Christopher, but this time it feels -

Fuck, it feels electric.

Now he knows to look for it, he recognises the instinct to tamp down on the feeling. But he promised Frank he’d be curious. So he clenches his hands under the table and makes himself tune in to the sensation. He feels the way his jaw moves, obligingly, under the warm press of Buck’s fingertips. He feels the tingling awareness of Buck’s full focus on him; his gentle care, his careful attention. And with every detail Eddie drinks in, he finds himself more helpless against a building tension inside him that, knowing it has no chance of release, makes its home somewhere behind his navel.

“Yeah, it’s gone now.” Buck says. Then his fingers move to lightly cup Eddie's cheek. “Eds, you know you can ask me about this stuff any time, right?”

Buck waits for Eddie to nod affirmative before his hand drops back to his side of the table. Eddie blinks dumbly down at where it rests on the table.

He thinks, if that’s how intense just a few seconds felt, a lifetime of Buck touching him would probably send him to an early grave.

Eddie to Christopher:

[picture of Buck posing with their breakfast]

Just got off a 24-hr. Missing you <3

If I came home tomorrow, would you take me to the diner for breakfast every morning?

Dream on, kid.

Chapter Text

Eddie to Buck: Christopher just called. He’s coming home.

!!!!!!

When??

Just let me know what you need, and when - I’ll be there

I’m so happy 🥹🥹🥹🥹❤️❤️❤️❤️

Christopher comes home. Christopher comes home. It all happens so fast - like Eddie blinks between the phone call and his parents knocking on his door.

Suddenly his little boy is in his arms, and sure, he’s not exactly little now, being 13 and all, but he’s here. Eddie buries his face in Chris’s curls, breathes him in, and the best part is, Christopher hugs him back.

“I missed you so much,” he says to Christopher. His voice sounds all distorted by the tears he can’t seem to suppress. Eddie pulls away a little just so he can look Chris in the face. It’s important that he hears this. “It’s okay to still be mad at me, you know that right? I always want you here with me, no matter what happens, mijo. We’ll talk about it some more whenever you want to, okay?” Eddie promises.

Christopher nods. He’s a little more reserved than Eddie is used to which just makes Eddie's tears fall harder. He says, in pure teenage boy speak: “Are you crying?”

“Yeah. Happy tears, though, Chris, I’m so happy to see you.”

Christopher just nods and leans in for another hug.

“I’m not really mad at you any more. I know you were sad about mum.”

God, how did he raise the best kid in the world? Eddie holds him close and cries some more. The lead weight of the last few weeks lifts off him bit by bit, until he feels so light he could be floating.

Buck is there to run interference with Eddie’s parents - taking the bags, exchanging pleasantries. They could be on the moon for all Eddie notices. But he does notice when Buck’s eyes cast over to Eddie and Chris, checking up on them, with this unbearably soft expression and a sheen of unshed tears making his eyes all glossy-blue.

In seemingly no time at all, Chris is unpacking his things in his room. Eddie leaves the tear tracks on his cheeks when he thanks his parents for taking care of Chris. He’s put so much work lately into not turning out like his father, and it’s strangely satisfying to have the red rimmed eyes, the sniffing and the tears to prove it. A passive aggressive comment or two can’t touch him right now.

They endure the conversation before Buck gently shepherds his parents out the door and nudges Eddie over to the couch. He goes to the kitchen to fuss over some sandwiches for the three of them. Eddie watches him idly, eyes catching on the way his shoulders shift with his movements under his LA Zoo shirt. Buck hasn’t visited since their conversation over breakfast. Before Christopher called him, Eddie had been chewing over every word he had said.

One of the most unsettling things is looking back at myself.

Eddie couldn't agree more. Small memories rear their heads at the most inopportune times, and he cringes every time, but he can’t help turning each moment over in his head, like picking up a stone and looking, nose scrunched, at the bugs crawling underneath it. Oddly, the moment that rears its head now is the one where Eddie’s lawyer gave him a piercing look and said, “you’re absolutely sure about this?” And Eddie nodded and signed the dotted line to say that in the event of his death, Christopher - his son, his reason for everything, his entire heart - was safest with one Evan Alexander Buckley.

Christopher comes back into the room then. Not having said hello properly to Buck earlier, he goes over and leans in, and Buck crouches to his height and reels him into a hug. Eddie can’t take his eyes off where Buck pats Chris’s curls down over and over as if to make sure he’s still real.

Eddie gets a pang of overwhelming fondness that almost bowls him over, and he catches himself burying it, as if it’s a long-formed habit. He’s starting to think there’s actually something in this whole ‘feeling your feelings’ thing though, so he breathes through the ache as the three of them set up on the couch. Buck keeps up a steady stream of conversation with Christopher and Eddie is just content to listen to the two of them. Christopher fawns over "Skrunkle" the house plant as if it was a kitten and they put a movie on with the volume down low. Chris curls up against Eddie as if he’s 8 years old again.

Buck stretches his arm over the back of the couch, letting his fingertips come to a careful rest against Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie can practically feel Buck’s urge to pull him and Chris in tighter (although there’s always a chance Eddie’s projecting, because he wants nothing more).

Chris - the most empathetic kid on this entire planet - sighs suddenly and nudges his head back into Buck’s arm, casting him a sideways glance.

“Why’re you so far away?”

It’s all the permission Eddie needs to shuffle him and Chris to lean towards Buck, rather than away.

Buck huffs in amusement. “Come here then,” he murmurs, and he scoops them both up in a hug. He’s squeezing his left arm around Eddies’ shoulders and his right arm loops around to hold Chris tight.

Chris gives a satisfied nod and Eddie lets his head rest against Buck’s bicep, and just - lets himself look at the both of them. 

“It’s good to have my two favourite Diaz boys back in LA,” Buck announces.

“We’re the only Diaz boys in LA,” Christopher laughs.

“Your abuelo hasnt gotten on that plane yet!” Buck protests, and soon enough, the two of them are off on some tangent, while Eddie watches and feels his heart grow about ten sizes too big for his chest. 

Eddie to Hen: Do you remember when Tommy took me to that boxing match on his helicopter?

Yes?

Was that a date???

Baby i am so sorry I cannot answer that for you. Why do you ask?

I told Christopher I think I like men, and asked if he’d be okay if I dated one. He said that’s fine. Then he asked me if I figured it out because Tommy took me on a helicopter ride.

I have no words 😂 😂 😂 That kid is too smart for his own good

You’re telling ME

He also said that it’s cool, and he doesn’t think anyone will be mean to me if I tell them.

Okay i was already crying laughing but now i’m just crying. You’ve done so well with him, Eddie ❤️

Chapter Text

Eddie is good, he really is. He and Chris go to a family therapist a few times to talk through things, and that helps them settle quickly into a new routine. It’s nice having Carla around again, Buck and Tommy keep coming around and he and Chris visit Maddie and Chim, and Hen and Karen more often than they used to. He takes up more shifts, but Bobby sits him down and helps him work out a schedule that allows for a bit more rest, without sacrificing too much income. The new schedule even leaves Fridays open for Eddie to go to the church support group.

The feeling of overwhelm is still there, but not as severe as it had ever been before. Eddie tells Frank as much, and Frank actually grins at him.

So things are great.

Except.

Eddie is - Eddie has a crush on Buck.

Really, he was screwed the moment he admitted it to himself. Before, he could have buried it. Now, it’s impossible not to notice himself turning to Buck every time he enters a room like a flower turning towards the sun. The way his pulse quickens when Buck trains that fucking blinding grin at him. The way he physically can’t tear his eyes from the sight of Buck cooing over Jee, how his heart flips in his chest when he sees Buck ruffling Christopher’s hair. The feeling of wrongness when Buck waves goodbye and leaves with Tommy after they visit - a feeling Eddie eventually admits to himself is jealousy.

And there’s more. He watches Tommy walk Buck out with his hand on the small of his back and imagines his own in its place. He finds that he already knows what it might feel like, because he knows Buck almost as well as he knows himself - or maybe he’d just imagined it already, in some buried recess of his mind. Buck’s muscles would shift, warm under Eddie’s hand, and he would look back at Eddie with a bashful grin every now and then, which would soon edge into something seductive. Buck would be confident, probably, and he’d press them against the wall in Eddie’s hallway and kiss him until he couldn’t think properly, six feet of heat and weight setting him alight and soothing him all at once, hands running down torsos…

Eddie’s brain usually kind of short-circuits around that point.

Eddie hasn’t come out to anyone beyond Frank, Hen, Christopher and the priest. With every day that passes he admires Buck even more for telling people the way he did. He tries to imagine announcing it to people and it makes him want to die, but he can kind of imagine himself just introducing someone - Buck, his mind supplies unhelpfully - as his boyfriend, and letting them draw their own conclusions.

So he hasn’t come out to Buck or Tommy but Eddie is sure he revealed too much that morning at the diner. In his worst moments, he’s convinced Buck must know about his crush and is just being polite about it. Nothing has changed between them, exactly, but sometimes he imagines there’s a certain glint in Buck’s eye, or even a look between Buck and Tommy, and… they have to know, right?

“It doesn’t matter, though,” Eddie tells Frank the day after a particularly long night spent pressed ankle to shoulder up against Buck on the couch, trying to stay focused on some stupid boxing match. “They’re happy together, and I’m in a better place than I’ve been in for years. I’m not going to mess that up over a stupid school-boy crush. I’ll just have to… get over it.”

Frank gives a non-committal hum. “What makes you say it’s stupid?”

Eddie’s mouth clicks shut. “Um.”

Frank doesn’t seem to need an answer, moves on quickly. “I’d like to make a small suggestion. Instead of trying to quickly get over this feeling, just pause every now and then and try to enjoy it. Not all the time - don’t torture yourself - but sometimes. You could even set a timer for ten minutes once a week and just, try to explore the feeling.”

Eddie rubs his eyes with his knuckles, feeling a headache forming.

“But I shouldn’t feel - that - for my best friend. I shouldn’t be imagining him… you know?”

“Do you think Buck would mind if he knew?”

“That’s the worst part! He’d be so understanding. But he deserves better than to have his best friend… objectifying him like that, and Tommy is my friend too.”

Saying it out loud, the guilt chews at Eddie. God, he just keeps finding ways to mess things up. What is he doing?

Frank blinks slightly and jots down a small note, which is usually code for, wow, there’s a lot to unpack there. Eddie sighs inwardly.

“Okay. Just remember, it’s okay to have a crush. It’s even okay if the person is in a relationship, obviously as long as you don’t cross any boundaries. I’m not asking you to confess feelings, here. I’d just like you to keep paying attention to how you feel, that’s all. And Eddie, I have to say, I’m really impressed with how far you have come with tuning into your emotions and changing that habit of pushing everything down. I think if you try it here, as well, you could really learn a lot about yourself and what you want.”

Eddie to Buck: I totally got an A+ in therapy today.

LOL

‘Course you did

Diaz boys, always top of the class!

 

 

Eddie to Diaz LA Family: Hey Pepa, Abuela. Chris and I are going to mass this weekend at this church: [link]

I know you already have your congregation Abuela but you’re both welcome to join us, if you’d like.

Oh niño, I would love to.

Pepa: Ooooh, I’ve heard their priest is very easy on the eyes. I’ll be there!

Pepa! I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that.

Chapter Text

Frank is right, again. It is kind of fun having a crush. After trying and failing to find that fluttery, giddy feeling with people these last few years, it’s nice to find that Eddie is still capable of it. It makes him feel like he could have something, some day, that doesn’t feel like a performance.

And while he might fail slightly on the ‘don’t torture yourself’ part of Frank’s suggestion, he can’t quite bring himself to regret it. It's like he's suddenly on this different frequency, a direct line to and from Buck. At work, they somehow move together more seamlessly than ever before. At home, they move around the kitchen and banter so easily it steals Eddie’s breath a little. Wherever they are, he’s attuned to Buck’s every little movement and touch.

Like - right now for example, he’s in the car with Buck on the way to school pick up. Buck is driving, even though it’s Eddie’s car, which already has Eddie sending him embarrassing heart-eyes - and he’s messing with the radio dials as they drive.

“Stop it,” Eddie scolds, reaching out to slap Buck’s hand away. Their fingers brush and it sends and honest-to-God thrill through Eddie. He changes the radio channel to the awful advert-riddled one Buck seems to like.

“Thanks,” Buck acknowledges.

“How are you holding up?” Eddie asks. Their shift had been a little rough. Not the worst they’d ever seen, but not great either, and Buck in particular doesn’t always handle it well when he can’t save someone. Sure enough, Buck lets out a long, tense breath.

“I’m okay. Just grateful to get to pick up Chris and go home, you know? How ‘bout you?”

Eddie practically glows at the way Buck says home like it’s his, too. “Yeah, same.”

They fall into silence for the last bit of the drive, snatching a little peace before they have a teenager in the car with them. Buck taps away at the steering wheel in time to whatever is playing and Eddie tries - and fails - not to stare at the flex of his forearms. They’re a little late by the time they pull up to the school and there’s a teacher waiting with Christopher, but at least the parking lot isn’t the complete chaos it would be if they were on time.

The parking lot is bathed in afternoon sun so Eddie puts his sunglasses on, straightens his LAFD t-shirt and - since he’s practically a certified masochist now when it comes to Buck - asks before he gets out of the car, “how do I look?”

He watches Buck’s lips twitch up and a light blush rise on his cheeks.

“Immaculate as ever,” Buck assures him. “No need to whip out the ‘stache brush just yet.”

Eddie laughs and launches himself out of the passenger seat before he can say anything more stupid, while Buck busies himself parking the car.

“Sorry we’re late,” he calls as Eddie hurries up to the pickup zone. “Shift ran over.”

“No worries. Good to see you Mr. Diaz,” the teacher responds. She’s the English teacher, Eddie is pretty sure. “We missed you at the last PTA catchup.”

Ah, of course, she’s also one of the PTA teachers.

“Ah, sorry. It’s been a bit busy lately,” Eddie says weakly. “You ready, Christopher?” He makes eyes at Christopher to say let’s get a move on, but Christopher just smiles innocently.

The teacher’s eyes flick over the LAFD logo on Eddie’s shirt. “Of course, everyone understands. Your dad has such a cool job, doesn’t he Christopher?”

“Yes, Miss,” Chris agrees dutifully.

Thankfully, Buck saunters up then, twirling the car keys on one finger, and that finally gets Christopher to start walking.

“Hey, Buck,” Christopher says cheerfully to Buck, while he hands his backpack off to Eddie with barely a hello, which figures, really. His kid has been trying on the whole ‘surly teenager’ routine but Buck seems to have a secret cheat code to get around it.

“Hey bud. You ready to head off?” Buck asks, reaching out to ruffle Chris’s hair in greeting.

The teacher watches the interaction, with this misty-eyed look that Eddie worries might be mirrored on his own face.

“You’re Buck?” she asks.

Buck nods and holds out his hand for her to shake. “Yeah, that’s me. Nice to meet you.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you - all good things of course,” she says. “You two are doing so well with Christopher. You’re welcome at PTA meetings too, you know. We welcome families of all shapes and sizes.” She puffs her chest out at that and a little pride flag pin on her lanyard glints in the fading light.

Eddie feels his face flame red with embarrassment. He runs his hand through his hair, a nervous habit he’s picked up as he’s let it grow out a bit. God, she clearly thinks Buck is his boyfriend. He glances at Buck for a panicked moment, hoping for some kind of help, but Buck only looks back at him looking slightly dumbstruck. Christopher is watching the whole scene with barely disguised amusement.

He should deny it. He has to deny it. If he doesn’t deny it, she and the entire PTA will think Buck is his boyfriend.

Instead, he stammers “Uh - good to know, thanks. Come on, time to go, guys,” and the three of them beat a quick retreat.

They’re silent until Buck drives them safely out of sight of the teacher. Then Buck and Christopher burst into peals of laughter while Eddie hides his face in his hands.

“Why did I say that?” he groans, and that only makes Buck and Christopher laugh harder.

“Hey, look on the bright side,” Buck says once he gets his breath back. “Maybe the single PTA mums will leave you alone now they know you’re spoken for.”

He drops his voice down to an over-the-top possessive growl and Eddie is going to die. He’s going to fucking spontaneously combust and just die on the spot.

“Oh my God, don’t,” is all he can say as he feels his blush travel down his neck.

From the back seat, Christopher is laughing so hard he can barely breathe, and Eddie -

Eddie regrets all his life choices. Because he wants to be spoken for. He wants the hot shiver when Buck’s voice sounds like that, for real. When he knows he is Buck’s, and Buck is his in return.

He is so, so fucked because - he’s in love with Buck.

He has been in love with Buck.

And he’s only realised it now, when he’s too fucking late.

Later when Christopher has gone to bed, Eddie and Buck start on the dishes. They’re on that Eddie-and-Buck frequency again, so in sync, and every time Buck brushes past him to put a dry dish away, Eddie feels his heart pound a little harder in his chest. Which he's mostly used to, except for the fact that now, it’s tapping out a rhythm that says, I love you, I love you, I love you while Eddie tries to breathe and be fucking normal.

He’s not going to tank Buck and Tommy’s relationship over this. He just won’t. He refuses. He’ll find a way to be okay with what he already has.

Of course the minute he finds some kind of equilibrium, Buck has to go and tip the scales again.

“So that PTA lady seemed nice,” Buck starts.

Eddie groans. “Man, I’d only just got past the humiliation, why bring it up again?”

“Actually it, uh, reminded me of something I never really told you about.”

That has Eddie looking over at him, curious.

“Remember that time we took Christopher to see Santa? It was a few years ago.”

Eddie remembers, it was the Christmas he decided to ask Shannon back into their lives. It seems so far away now.

“Yeah,” he says after a moment. “I remember that night.”

Buck nods. He seems subdued. Eddie is glad his hands are preoccupied with washing dishes, this way it’s easier to resist the urge to pull Buck into a hug to make that little frown go away.

“There was this woman dressed as an elf, and she saw us walk past and she said to me, ‘you two have an adorable son’. I don’t think you heard. I kind of - panicked and just said thanks, and walked off.” Buck gives a hollow-sounding laugh.

Eddie blinks down at the suds. He could try to laugh it off too, but the moment feels heavy, somehow. “No, I don’t think I heard that,” he says eventually.

“I felt guilty for it later. Like I was overstepping. But then I kind of forgot about it until recently.”

“Buck, idiota. I wouldn’t have minded - I don’t mind.”

Buck has a wry smile on his lips. “I know. That teacher just reminded me of it again. It’s kind of funny how that keeps happening to us, is all.”

“Yeah,” Eddie forces out a faint laugh. Probably because they could always see how fucking gone I am on you, he adds privately, even if I couldn’t.

“Eddie, you’d tell me if I was overstepping, right?”

“Of course I would. But you don’t have to worry about that with me. With us.”

Eddie watches, satisfied, as some of the tension bleed out of Buck’s shoulders.

“Okay. I do worry sometimes, I guess. Like with Chris’s teachers assuming I’m his - I’m your -”

“I don’t care what people assume.”

The dishes are done and Eddie steps into Buck’s space to take the tea towel from his hands. He allows himself a single breath in, soaking up Buck’s heat and heady scent, before he steps back to dry his hands.

For a long moment, Buck’s mouth is open and his brow is furrowed like he’s trying to find the words to say something. But he only gives himself a small shake and opens the fridge up to grab them each a beer.

When they make it to the couch, Eddie tries to relax, but it doesn’t help that Buck’s hair is all soft and curly and his birthmark brings out the pink in his lips in the flickering light of the TV. When he lifts his beer to take a sip, Eddie’s eyes trace the veins up his wrists with a kind of fruitless desperation. When he leans his head back against the couch, exposing the delicate curve of his neck, Eddie can imagine his lips on it so clearly it makes him feel dizzy.

And surely Eddie has to be imagining the way Buck’s eyes keep flickering to his lips when he takes a drink.

It happens enough times though, that Eddie wipes at his mouth. “Have I got something-?”

“Nah.” Buck huffs out a laugh. “Sorry - guess I’m just not totally used to the moustache yet.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “I really didn’t think it’d be such a controversial choice with everyone. I haven’t had a minutes’ peace since Chimney saw it.”

Buck laughs, low and soft. His eyes are fixed on the TV and Eddie could swear his voice drops a whole freaking register it comes out so deep, when he says, “don’t listen to them. I think it looks good.”

The words rumble through Eddie, all syrupy and warm.

But Eddie can’t let himself hope, he can’t.

Their next few shifts at work are exquisite torture for Eddie. Watching Buck work, confident, competent, just a little reckless, more himself than ever. From the amused looks Hen throws him, he’s being too obvious.

But he can’t help it okay? He knows he loves Buck now, knows it down to his marrow. It’s a truth that has the potential to fuck everything up, but simultaneously makes him feel more centred in himself than he can remember. With Buck, he feels happy. Content. Loved, safe, cared for.

And he gets accustomed to the dull ache of knowing he can’t have Buck the way he really wants. It becomes a part of him, and he. Doesn’t. Hope.

Until.

Buck knocks on his door unannounced, and when Eddie opens it, he looks wrecked. Eyes puffy like he’s been crying, hoodie sitting off-kilter like he threw it on in a hurry.

He curls into Eddie’s hug and sniffs and says “Tommy and I broke up,” and starts to cry again.

And it’s fucked up, Eddie hates himself for it because Buck is heartbroken and just needs a friend right now, but - that little curl of hope gains strength in Eddie’s navel.

And now he really can’t snuff it out.

Maddie to Eddie: take care of Buck will you? Of course he and Tommy had to go and break up during my honeymoon

He’s in good hands. Enjoy your honeymoon :)

I know he is.

 

Chimney to Eddie: I spent years searching for the perfect moustache…

?

It was right under my nose the whole time!

Chapter Text

Eddie has a question for God, the universe, anyone who will listen. If your best friend just broke up with his boyfriend, how soon is too soon to tell him you’re in love with him?

It’s on the tip of his tongue when Buck tells him about how he and Tommy broke up and how he worries nobody will ever stick around. It gets stuck in his throat when Eddie takes a minor fall at work and Buck goes in the ambulance with him to get checked out at hospital. The words are just fucking - clamouring to get out of him and Eddie almost says it when they're in front of people, when they're alone, over the phone and he knows it’s in every look and touch, whether he wants it to be or not.

He’s so scared of messing this up, is all.

In the end, it happens in Eddie’s kitchen. Christopher is at Hen and Karen’s for the night, so it kind of feels like a date, but it’s not, or at least Eddie doesn’t think it is. Sometimes Buck looks at him a certain way, and for a split second he feels like they're on the edge of something, but by now, Eddie is used to being delusional. He keeps reminding himself that Buck is still getting over Tommy and he probably doesn’t see Eddie like that, in fact Eddie hasn’t even come out to him yet, for God’s sake. He still doesn’t know what he would he even come out as.

So Eddie has his heart under control, all through the night. He does, he swears.

Right up until they’ve finished up with dinner and they’ve cracked open beers and put some popcorn on the stove. When Buck laughs at some stupid thing Eddie said and looks up at Eddie through his godamn lashes, and suddenly Eddie just can’t do it any more, okay? He’s bursting at the fucking seams with the need to tell Buck how he feels. He needs Buck to see the truth of him in this one last way - even if it means upending everything.

He says, “Buck, there’s something I need to tell you.”

For a long moment they just stare at each other. The smile slowly slides off Bucks face, he sets his beer down on the counter and for some reason he looks as nervous as Eddie feels.

“You know how in therapy, I’ve been working on naming my feelings and just - being less repressed in general?”

Buck goes still as a statue. Eddie can actually see the sudden tension in every muscle, in the jerky way he nods.

“Well - there’s something I need to say to you, but first I just. I need you to know I don’t expect anything from you. It’s like I said to Christopher, I… I want you around, even if you’re mad at me, okay?”

“Eddie,” Buck breathes the words so softly they’re barely audible. “I’m not going to be mad, I promise. Please, just tell me-”

There’s a pause where Eddie’s heart thunders in his ears, he thinks he might give up on this whole stupid idea, but somehow he believes Buck when he says he won’t be mad. Then Buck gives him this wide-eyed, beseeching look, and the words just - tumble out.

“I’ve been trying to put words to what I feel when I’m with you. It’s contentment, but also excitement. I feel so happy, and so seen. You always seem to get me without me having to explain a thing. Honestly, I’ve exhausted my damn vocabulary trying to name all the ways you make me feel.”

He takes a bracing breath, and he thought it would be hard to get the words out, but it’s not. It’s really, really not. “What I’m trying to say is - I love you.”

Buck blinks at him, frozen still like a deer in headlights. “D’you mean like, in a friend way or-”

“No, idiota,” Eddie takes Buck’s hand and lifts it to his own chest, hoping Buck can feel the frantic beat of his heart, where it tries to leap out and straight into Buck’s palm. “Cariño, baby, listen to me. I’m in love with you.”

Buck’s eyes fill with tears and Eddie starts to pull away, alarmed. Before he can even spiral properly though, Buck follows him, keeping his hand firm over Eddie's chest.

“No, no, these are good tears, I-”

“You mean-”

“Eddie, Eddie please, I love you too, I love you so fucking much, and I know we need to talk about this properly but I just really, really wanna kiss you right now - please -“

Eddies lips quirk up and he nods once and he’s not sure who moves first, but Buck kisses like he wants to devour Eddie, both hands firm on his jaw and salty tears pressed between their lips. The heat that rushes through him makes Eddie’s legs go weak and his mouth parts on a sound he’ll be embarrassed about later, but right now he - he can’t even finish a thought, he -

Buck murmurs, “God, your fucking moustache has been driving me insane,” and Eddie almost wants to laugh, but each word makes Buck’s lips brush up, plush, against his and Eddie is honest-to-god melting. “The way it looks on you, and with your hair all, I don’t know, swept up like that, and the way you’ve been carrying yourself lately, all self-assured and just so - yourself, and I just - can’t even begin to tell you how much I fucking I love you -“

Eddie finds himself blushing furiously, and they both groan as Buck repositions them so he is just a long line of heat pressing Eddie up against the kitchen counter. It’s just how Eddie had imagined, at once setting his nerves alight and grounding him, leaving him warm and pliant.

“I wanna mess your hair up, Eddie, can I?”

It’s unfair that Buck is still able to form a sentence, it really is. He even says it right into Eddie’s ear and the words shiver all the way down his spine. Eddie can only moan and nod frantically, then moan again, even louder, at the feeling of Buck running a shaky hand through his hair once - twice - seemingly just to feel it - then gripping tight. He actually whines when Buck uses his grip to tilt Eddie’s head to his liking and kiss him again. Deeper and slower this time, but no less ravenous.

Eddie tries to give as good as he gets. He tries to feel his feelings, name his feelings, etch his feelings with his fingertips and his tongue right onto Buck, and he hopes to God the message sinks in. He gets his hands in Buck’s curls, like he’s been craving for weeks now, tugs a little just to hear the whimper from Buck’s lips.

Everything is hot, and slick, and fuck they’re moving too fast probably but Eddie needs to hear that sound again, he needs -

“Shit, the popcorn,” Buck mutters against Eddie’s lips. Eddie reluctantly tunes back into the outside world and notices now how the popping sound has slowed. Why the fuck he had started this while the popcorn was on, he will never understand, but yeah - the kernels are going to burn if they keep ignoring them.

Eddie exhales a shaky breath, unwilling to move more than an inch from Buck and he feels Buck’s breath on his cheek in return. Heat is still throbbing through him but Eddie is suddenly grateful for the break. He wants Buck to know, to really understand all the different ways Eddie wants him. So he slides his hands down from Bucks’ hair to rest on his neck, feels Buck’s pulse race against his thumb, and goes up on his tip-toes to place a chaste kiss right on his birthmark. He looks into Buck’s eyes for a moment just to make sure he gets it. And he knows Buck does, because his ocean eyes go impossibly soft and fresh tears bead prettily on his lashes.

“Move over, I’ll get it,” Eddie murmurs. Buck shifts out of his way and Eddie turns the stove off, lifting the lid on the popcorn and breathing in the buttery scent. After a moment he feels Buck’s hands on his waist and lips at his nape, sending a shiver through him.

“I really want to keep kissing you,” Buck presses the words, along with kisses, into Eddie’s neck. “But maybe we should slow down for a moment, eat our popcorn and… talk about this?”

Eddie releases a long breath and nods, leaning back into Buck, knowing he’ll counterbalance his weight without even thinking.

He drops one hand to cover Buck’s at his waist and settles into the feeling.

He feels like he’s home.