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Concussions are a buzzkill.
It’s not Tommy’s first one. But it’s definitely the worst he’s ever had.
They were fighting a fierce structure fire and he didn't see the danger coming until it was too late. Tommy vaguely remembers someone calling out his name in warning, before something connected with the back of his head in a very sudden and very painful way. Apparently, the culprit was a heavy piece of debris. Heavy enough that his helmet didn't make much of a difference. After the impact, Tommy found himself on the ground, stars appearing in front of his eyes. Someone helped him out of the building and almost immediately, a headache crept in and stayed. It’s still there now. A constant pulsing ache.
Tommy doesn’t even remember how he got to the hospital.
But now he’s in a bed, with his head stitched and bandaged, and a doctor is there to tell him something about several tests they ran. Fortunately, they didn’t find any swelling or bleeding in his brain.
The doctor says more, but Tommy can’t focus anymore. Everything is too bright and too loud. Everything hurts. His head is heavy and his floaty thoughts seem to hit an invisible wall whenever he tries to form them into something coherent. Feels like his mind is filled with fog.
Tommy just wants to close his eyes and go to sleep. But then, Evan appears in the room and Tommy’s mood brightens immediately. Evan is like the sun, pushing through the clouds inside his mind.
“Ev,” he croaks, raising his hands and reaching for his boyfriend.
Evan looks worried. Why does he look worried? It makes Tommy feel concerned too. Oh. Right. Tommy is injured and in a hospital bed. That’s why.
“Hit my head,” Tommy tells Evan, pointing up to that aching pulsing thing that must be said head.
“I can see that,” Evan says softly, hugging him and exhaling shakily. “I’m so glad to see you awake. You will be alright.”
Tommy frowns. Has he not been awake at some point? He really can't remember. “Can we go home now?” He asks hopefully.
He doesn’t want to stay at the hospital. Not again.
Evan studies him, his brows furrowing. “I don’t know. You don’t look … well. And you can barely keep yourself upright. Maybe you should stay here at least for overnight …”
Tommy starts to shake his head, then immediately stops because it hurts too much. “No. Please.”
Evan chews on his lip. “Alright. Let me talk to the doctor.”
The doctor doesn’t approve. He says Tommy should be under observation for at least 24 hours. But Evan tells him he can do that at home. The doctor sighs and asks Tommy if he can get out of bed without any help.
Tommy can. At least he thinks he can. He can see that they are both watching him. It feels like a test, so he does his best to get himself out of the bed. Everything is fine until he tries to stand. A wave of dizziness and nausea hit him. The world sways. Feels like flying a helicopter through a hurricane. Tommy grimaces and reaches out for something to hold on to. He finds Evan’s shoulder, which is solid enough. There. He's standing. He can do it.
The doctor raises a doubtful brow and clears his throat. “I still wouldn’t recommend you to go home, but in the end, I can’t force you to stay. Just let me explain some important things you should think of concerning this concussion and the next few days of your recovery.”
It’s Evan, who listens to the doctor. Tommy just tries to not fall. Evan stands there, with his hands on his hips, nodding along with a very serious expression on his face, clearly memorizing everything the doctor is telling him.
Tommy looks at his boyfriend, his chest glowing with happiness. God. Evan looks so good. Oh. Did Tommy say that out loud? Because Evan and the doctor fall silent for a moment and throw him a glance, before continuing talking. Huh.
“He definitely shouldn’t be alone tonight,” the doctor finishes with a sigh that seems to say: I'm done with stubborn firefighters for the day.
“He won’t be,” Evan says firmly. “In fact, he won’t be alone at all. Not until he’s doing better.”
Tommy frowns. What is that supposed to mean?
He immediately forgets about the words again though because it’s hard enough to follow Evan out of the hospital. He holds on to Evan’s arm with one hand, squinting his eyes and keeping his head down, since the lights only seem to turn brighter around him.
The car ride is a nightmare too. He has to close his eyes for the entirety of it because every time he sees a glimpse of the moving world, he’s hit by a wave of violent nausea. A groan escapes his lips and Evan puts his free hand on one of Tommy’s, holding it. An anchor in this stormy ocean that throws him around. Tommy holds on to it as firmly as he can.
It’s a relief when they finally arrive home. Evan has to support him the few steps to and into the house.
“Bed,” Evan says sternly as soon as the door closes behind them. “Right now.”
Tommy doesn’t protest. He’s glad when he can finally lie down. When the world stops moving and he doesn’t feel like he’s the captain of a ship that has to navigate through a storm. He closes his eyes and grimaces when dizziness is replaced by pain. It starts in the back of his head and stretches until it’s everywhere.
“Hurts,” he mutters.
Evan’s fingers run through his hair. Slow and gentle. “The doctor said you can have some Tylenol. And I’m going to make you a cold compress, alright?”
Tommy just hums, sinking into the comfort of being touched. It feels nice not to be alone. The last time he returned from hospital he was alone. Soon enough he’s had a few pills and has a cold towel on his forehead. The pain slowly fades into a numb pulsing. Tommy feels pleasantly floaty, especially with Evan’s warm body beside him. Eventually, he falls asleep.
The next morning, Tommy feels a little better. Still foggy and dizzy, but at least he can think clearly and string words together again. His symptoms didn’t get worse which means he doesn’t have to go to the hospital again. He’s glad. He hates the hospital with its flickering neon lights, squeaking plastic shoes, horrible food and never-ending surprise visits by nurses or doctors.
This situation has its ups and downs.
The upside: He can stay at home, where he has his own bed, his own food, his privacy and, most importantly, his Evan.
The downside: He has to stay home all the time and do nothing that might risk him falling and injuring himself further or tearing any stitches.
For at least 48 hours, he will be bound to his bed. And he will be trapped in his house for almost a week. No exercise. Not even a walk. Also, he shouldn't be doing anything that requires concentration, like video games, watching TV, reading, texting or using a computer if it worsens his symptoms.
Evan stays with him for the first 24 hours, making sure he’s not getting any worse or exerting himself too much. But after that, he has to go to work.
And suddenly, Tommy is alone. He tries to look at a few videos on his phone but that makes him nauseous after a while. Watching TV is making him nauseous as well. He ends up back in his bed, on his back, staring up at the ceiling while his head is pulsing and pain and hating everything. How is he supposed to spend almost a whole week like this?!
A knock at the door - a very enthusiastic one - interrupts his depressive thoughts. Tommy frowns. He isn’t expecting anyone. And he doesn’t look very presentable either. Maybe it’s just the postman. He gets up with a grimace, dizziness making him sway and he has to catch his balance before he can walk slowly - very slowly - to the door and open it. He blinks in surprise.
It’s Maddie. With Jee-Yun. “Hey,” Maddie says, smiling at him. “I brought cake. I heard it’s a good sweet cheer up in case of head injuries.”
“Oh. Thank you,” Tommy says, accepting the box she hands him.
Jee is holding on to her mother’s hand, with her free hand she points at Tommy’s head and says, “Ouchie”, her eyes widening.
“Yeah. Big ouchie,” Tommy says, touching the bandage wrapped around his head. "But I will be fine."
“How are you feeling?” Maddie asks while they’re slowly walking into the living room. Jee stays close to Maddie’s leg, her fingers brushing against her mother’s pants as she looks around a bit shyly.
Tommy shrugs. “Dizzy and nauseous, but the pain is a little better today. I have a feeling that this piece of debris really wanted me to remember it.”
“Well, we are here to distract you a little from it,” Maddie says with a chuckle. They sit on the couch and Maddie pulls several things out of her bag. A colouring pad and pencils. A plush elephant. And a few small bottles of nail polish. Jee climbs on the couch and looks at all the things Maddie has brought as if she’s trying to make a very hard choice. Finally, she points at the nail polish. Then at Tommy, her expression serious.
Maddie chuckles. “Jee painted my and Howie’s nails so often, I think she needs a new model.”
“And I even get to choose the colour,” Tommy says when Jee presents him with three different options. He chooses blue.
It’s relaxing. He just has to sit there and hold still. Jee is very focused. The tip of her tongue is visible between her lips as she paints his short nails with the tiny brush. While she’s working, Maddie and Tommy talk. She tells him about what's going on at the dispatch centre and asks him about what he's doing at Harbor Station which leads to him telling her about some of the more interesting calls. She also asks him if he's always wanted to be a pilot and he ends up telling her a bit about his past. She listens attentively.
When Jee-Yun is finished with Tommy's nails, she shows him that he has to shake out his hands to let the paint dry and he does it with her, chuckling.
“Should I paint your nails now?” Tommy asks Jee. She beams at him and laughs, holding out her small hands.
It’s a bit difficult. From time to time, Tommy is still hit by a wave of dizziness and focusing sometimes leads to double vision. But Jee holds perfectly still, even when he has to take a break.
“Et voila,” Tommy says when he’s done. Jee inspects her now purple nails and gives him a bright, tooth-missing grin.
Maddie smiles. “Very pretty.”
They all eat a piece of the cake Maddie brought. Soon, Jee is yawning and rubbing at her eyes. “Guess I will take her home now for her nap,” Maddie says. “I hope you will feel even better tomorrow.”
“Thanks for coming by and thanks for distracting me. Now I have my pretty nails to look at when I don't feel so good,” Tommy says, smiling at Jee-Yun, who waves him bye, not so shy anymore, and follows her mother out.
Soon after Maddie and Jee leave, there is a knock at the door again. Tommy raises his brows. He opens. This time, it’s Karen with Denny and Mara. “Hi,” she beams at him, raising two plastic bags. “I brought dinner. Buck said you like Chinese?”
“I love Chinese,” Tommy says with a smile, letting them inside.
Hen and Evan join them later, marvelling at Tommy’s nails. They’re all playing a game of Monopoly later and everyone is laughing at Tommy because he constantly manages to land in prison while Denny somehow builds enough houses to make them all go bankrupt.
Later, Tommy is a little exhausted but he also realizes he barely noticed his head for a long time. He remembers Evan’s comment on how he won’t be alone at all, and he thinks he understands now. Evan must have created a schedule, determining who is going to visit Tommy when.
And it’s just the beginning.
Every time Tommy starts to feel antsy over the next few days, there’s a knock at the door and every time he opens it, it’s a member of the 118 family. He always has someone sitting on his couch or at his table.
Ravi brings cookies and wants to know a lot of things about flying.
He asks so many questions that Tommy is wondering if he is considering a career as a pilot. Or maybe he’s just as fascinated as most people are. For a lot of people, flying is a mystery. To them, it seems like magic, when it’s actually physics.
How can a heavy plane or helicopter stay in the sky? How does it get into the air at all? How does it move forward?
“That’s so cool, man,” Ravi says after a while, taking a bite from his cookie. “For the first time ever, I really understand why a plane manages to fly.”
“Are you thinking about flying a helicopter or plane in the future?” Tommy asks, intrigued.
Ravi looks taken aback for a moment, then clears his throat and looks a little … embarrassed. “To be honest, I have a fear of flying.”
“Oh.” Tommy didn’t expect that. But it’s not unusual. Many people have a fear of flying. He doesn’t know what it feels like, but people he knew told him how uncomfortable they feel while being on a plane. Tommy guesses it’s the same thing as with sharks. Media makes flying look like something risky and highly dangerous because every time something does happen, it’s all over the news and people who have no idea about the science behind flying share their wrong opinions.
Ravi grimaces and scratches the back of his head. “Yeah. I kind of inhabited it from my family. Constantly had to listen about how dangerous flying is in general and that I shouldn’t ever enter a plane. Theoretically, I know it’s not dangerous. But my mind is not that convinced. And now I know you, and you’re flying all the time and I thought it might be a good idea to learn a little more about it from someone who is a professional, you know?”
Tommy clears his throat, feeling a little embarrassed now. “I don’t know if I would call myself a professional …”
Ravi raises a brow. “Please. You flew a helicopter into a hurricane and landed it on a capsized ship. Buck couldn't shut up about it for an entire week. After a while, I almost felt like I was there."
Tommy chuckles. “Ok. You have a point. Well, if you want to, I can always take you on a flight once I recover from this concussion, to show you how everything works and why it’s not dangerous. That might help with your fear. Someone once told me we have to do the things that scare us to show our mind that nothing happens.”
“That’s awesome, thank you,” Ravi says with a bright smile. “I’m absolutely going to take you up on that offer!”
When Ravi leaves, Bobby and Athena arrive with lasagna. It's so delicious Tommy kind of never wants to eat anything else ever again.
While they're eating, Bobby remembers a few crazy calls they had back when Tommy was still part of the 118 and they all laugh about them. Especially about Maurice.
"Can't believe the first thing I did was handing you a traumatized rooster which tried to kill us all," Bobby says, reaching for Athena's hand and squeezing it. She smiles and they look at each other so fondly ...
Tommy's heart warms for them and he's so glad Howie called him back then. He still remembers how worried he was when he heard that Bobby and Athena were missing. And he remembers the moment when he saw them hugging. When he was so relieved that he had flown into that hurricane and that they had found them. And of course, he remembers Evan's hand suddenly touching his shoulder, remembers Evan's smile and his bright eyes. The moment that made his breath hitch and his heart jump.
It's a little crazy, Tommy thinks, how much impact Bobby had on his life. Bobby was the one suggesting the transfer to Harbor because he believed Tommy needed a fresh start. (And he was right about that.) It was Bobby who gave Evan a second chance at the 118. And it was Bobby - plus Athena - who needed a rescue and made Tommy meet the love of his life that way.
Sometimes, the world seems incredibly small and it feels like we're all connected by invisible strings, Tommy muses, taking another bite of the amazing lasagna.
“No,” Christopher says patiently. “You have to press this button to jump. Not that one.”
Tommy feels old. So old. He keeps on dying. And every time he does, Chris gives him advice on how he can avoid dying the next time. But Tommy keeps messing it up. The video game is too fast for him. And the little figure on the screen never really does what he wants it to do.
“I’m really bad at this,” Tommy sighs, looking at the screen where another “you died” appears. In big red letters. Great.
“You can’t be the best at everything,” Chris says seriously.
“True,” Tommy says, putting the controller down. “Come on. It’s your turn. Let me watch the professional.”
Chris chuckles. “Okay.”
He easily jumps over all the obstacles and eliminates all the threats his little figure encounters while running through a pixeled world in search of … Tommy doesn’t really understand what the goal of this game is. But well.
He leans back on the couch and watches. His head got a lot better. The screen’s light doesn’t give him a headache anymore and the dizziness as well as the nausea are almost gone.
In the evening, Eddie and Evan arrive with food and Eddie thanks Tommy for watching Chris.
“Are you sure he didn’t watch me?” Tommy asks with a glance at Evan, who sits on the couch with Chris, trying the video game too and being way better at it than Tommy. Eddie just laughs and hands him a hamburger.
Anxiety and insecurity hit Tommy the next day when he’s watching a movie with Howie and - because he’s taking meds - not having a beer like usual, but instead tea, which Howie made.
The week passed so fast because he’s never really been alone. And it’s been so nice to have all of them there. Still. There’s a part of him that isn’t entirely sure about all of this. A part of him tries to convince him that they are only here out of pity. Or because Evan told them to come. Not because they really care about him.
“Y’all don’t have to do that, you know?” He says, glancing at Howie. “Being here. It’s not like I can’t take care of myself.”
Howie takes a sip of his tea. “Tommy, we all want to be here. Trust me. Buck insisted on making a schedule, because, well you know what he’s like when he gets a chance to go full clipboard mode, but we all would be here anyway because you’re family. And we take care of family.”
Howie’s words make warmth spread in Tommy’s chest. “Alright,” he says, his throat a little tight now. “Thank you.”
“Not for that, man. But please. Be a little more careful with that head of yours in the future. Because I can only stand Evan 'my boyfriend is injured and we’re all going to take care he won’t do even more damage to himself' Buckley one time in a year," Howie says with a feigned pitiful expression on his face.
That makes Tommy laugh.
Tommy wakes up in fractions, blinking into the sunlight. Evan’s face is hovering above him, a smile spreading on it, as he looks down on Tommy, with his head tilted to the side and his hair still tousled. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Tommy breathes, smiling sleepily. It’s the weekend and this is his favourite way of waking up.
“How is that pretty head of yours today?” Evan asks, running his fingers through Tommy’s hair. The bandage is gone now.
“Better,” Tommy says honestly. “Barely feeling it anymore.”
“I'm glad to hear that,” Evan says, kissing Tommy’s forehead.
“Whose turn is it today by the way?” Tommy asks teasingly.
Evan chuckles. “Only me today.”
“Good,” Tommy says, wrapping his arms around Evan’s body with a content sigh, enjoying the warmth and the morning softness. “As nice as it’s been to have everyone around, I’m happy when I get to have you all to myself."
Evan smiles. “You know, they all were worried and wanted to be there for you while you were recovering, but I also think they loved the chance to get to know you a little better.”
Tommy thinks back to what Howie said and for the first time, he can allow himself to accept that he’s a part of this family now.