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Fugaku (narrating): "Yes, this is me. Your eyes are not deceiving you...and I assure you that there is a perfectly valid reason to explain why I'm currently walking alongside of the river, on what would otherwise be a pleasant afternoon stroll, while eating sandwiches with one Namikaze Minato, aka the "Yellow Flash" aka "Housewife Supreme". And that reason can be summed up in one phrase..."
Minato: (very obviously trying to pretend that this awkwardly silent walk has not been happening for the last thirty minutes by alternating between eating his sandwich and picking up random rocks to skip across the river)
Fugaku (narrating): "..."the shit I do for you, Red"."
[Yeah, no. You're not getting out of this that easily. Cue the ultra-epic context-providing flashback!!]
[One Hour Ago in Fugaku's Office at the Uchiha Police Department...]
Kushina: (slams both hands down onto Fugaku's desk--paperwork goes flying) "Fugaku! I need a huge favor!!"
Fugaku: (awkward look around) "...How...how did you get in?"
Kushina: "Not important!" (clasps her hands together) "Now, favor please!"
Fugaku: (sighs) "Every time that you ask me for a favor, I end up having to do something potentially embarrassing."
Kushina: (hops up to sit down on Fugaku's desk) "Love how you say that like you've still got some dignity left to be stomped on."
Fugaku: (leans back in chair) "Between you and Mikoto convincing me to disguise myself as you so that you two can ditch your guards to have your weekly shopping trips and spa days, Obito's general chaos, Shisui's pranks, and Itachi...yes, I surprisingly still do."
Kushina: "Love that Itachi-kun is his own warning."
Fugaku: "Itachi is a thirty-year-old man in a toddler's body and I have yet to figure out how that actually happened."
Kushina: "Eh, I'm sure it's fine and he'll grow out of it before you and Mikoto go gray." (pause) "Huh...that was a weird feeling..."
Fugaku: "Yeah...like glimpsing a forbidden scroll or something." (shakes head) "Anyway...?"
Kushina: "Right. So, I need for you to do your best friend duty and vet Minato to see if he's worthy to date me."
Fugaku: "...You don't need me for that. If you want to bang him like a screen door in a hurricane, then have at it, have fun, and make sure he wraps it before he sticks it in since you have no clue where he's been."
Kushina: (swipes at Fugaku) "Fugaku! It doesn't work like that! As my best friend you totally have to hang out with him to see if he's worthy."
Fugaku: "No, I don't...especially since you've been pining after him almost as long as he has been for you."
Kushina: (faux-scandalized gasp and point) "I have done no such thing!!"
Fugaku: "Really?" (leans forward on desk; steeples hands under his chin) "So I haven't spent the last several years listening to you repeatedly waxing on and on poetically about wanting to, quote, "kiss his stupidly handsome face" and "get a piece of that unfairly hot body", end quote? And I didn't have to sit through your many, many attempts at writing ballads that'd give Jiraiya-sama pause, about Namikaze's, quote, "abs and ass sculpted by the gods", end quote?"
Kushina: (clearly no longer paying attention as she contemplates those images)
Fugaku: (bestie-only-reserved "annoyed-with-your-life-choices" face) "...You don't need me. Just go...if he fumbles this whole thing, I'll help you get rid of the corpse."
Kushina: (snaps out of daze) "That last part's without question. But you still need to vet him for me."
Fugaku: "Make me."
[End Epic Flashback]
Minato: (skips rock) "...So...why are we doing this?" (takes a bite of his sandwich)
Fugaku: "Truth? Red wants me to make sure you're just a dumbass instead of actual ass."
Minato: "WHAT?!!"
Fugaku: "I didn't stutter." (takes a bite of his sandwich)
Minato: "Ugh...why is she friends with you?" (picks up a rock; skips his sandwich on the river; bites into the rock)
[...let us pause here for a second so that you all can truly appreciate the image in your heads of Minato's soul leaving his body at realizing exactly what he just did]
Minato: (turns to look at Fugaku...sees the sharingan staring back at him) "...Oh fuck me."
Fugaku: (smirk) "Not even in one of Jiraiya-sama's most alcohol-induced books."
Minato: (glares) "You're not telling Kushina about this."
Fugaku: (walks away; finishes sandwich) "Namikaze, I'm telling everyone about this."
Minato: (squawks; panics; chases after Fugaku) "Damnit Uchiha! I'm not gonna beg!"
Fugaku: (runs) "Good! I'm impervious to your influence anyway!"
Minato: "Would you consider a bribe?!"
Fugaku: "Can't meet my price, Namikaze!"
Minato: "Extortion?!!"
Fugaku: "Got nothing on me!!"
Minato: "Threat?!!"
Fugaku: "Red'll kick your ass!!
Minato: "DAMN YOU, UCHIHA!!!"
Fugaku (narrating): (internal laughter) "The shit I do for you, Red!"