Chapter Text
Sapnap sighed, sitting alone in his room in his game chair. He was spinning back and forth. For some reason, he felt lost. He’s spent so much time planning his life around Dreamie and Georgie, and now he’s lost both. George, after realizing that Dreamie wasn’t coming back, slowed his regression to the point where he stopped all together, and in George’s words “I don’t know why, I just can’t”, and now Sapnap was sitting by himself, staring at a wall, utterly alone and heartbroken.
He heard his door open, and knew by the steps it was Punz, but he didn’t look away from the wall.
“You should eat,” Punz whispered, setting a to-go container of Sapnap’s favorite sushi on his desk.
“What do I do now?” Sapnap whispered, ignoring what Punz had said.
“Eat,” Punz tried to joke, but when he couldn’t even get a crack of a smile he sighed, sitting on the bed and turning the chair to get him to finally face him. “Nick, we’ll figure it out,” He whispered.
“I don’t… it feels like I don’t have anything left,” Sapnap whispered. “I lost both of them. This is what I was terrified of,” He continued.
“I know,” Punz whispered. “But it was our responsibility to address it.”
“I’m so lost,” Sapnap admitted, “It’s not even my coping mechanism, I was just a helper. And I revolved my entire life around them, everything was about them, everything… you moving in, creating this safe space for both of them, these schedules. Everything… and it’s gone. You’re a shell, Luke. I can see it, you look… you look like a stranger walking around here, you act like it.”
“The whole reason I moved in was for this, so I wasn’t sure if…” Punz admitted, swallowing thickly. “I don’t really have a place outside of here anymore. I’ve kinda been waiting for someone to tell me to start looking.”
“No, no don’t leave me alone,” Sapnap whispered as tears streamed down his face. “I can’t… I can’t live here alone with them. All I will ever see is what I’ve lost, and it will drive my crazy.”
“I won’t go anywhere,” Punz whispered, holding Sapnap’s cheek. Sapnap leaned into it, exhaling softly.
“I love you,” Sapnap whispered.
“I love you too,” Punz whispered, “Eat, and then we can lay down, yeah?”
Sapnap nodded, sniffing and wiping his face before turning to his desk to grab the box.
—------
“Hey, what’re you doing?” Dream asked as he leaned in Sapnap’s door way.
“Emailing our merch companies and editing,” Sapnap said as he lifted an earphone off his head and turned in his chair. “Why? What’s up?”
“I haven’t seen you in like four days,” Dream said, his face heavy with concern. “What could you possibly be emailing the companies about? They typically reach out to me.”
“Well, with your regression I told them that I would be the best point of contact if shit was happening, and I just haven’t fixed it,” Sapnap shrugged. “Took some weight off your shoulders and gave you time to… but I just… I don’t know. I don’t mind the work, so,” He smiled softly.
“Okay,” Dream whispered, almost awkwardly. “But I still haven’t… seen you. You’ve barely left this room. I’m missing you, dude.”
“You’re always welcome to come in here,” Sapnap chuckled.
“Kay, but,” Dream sighed.
“Clay… I know I shouldn’t be… but losing little you has really affected me,” Sapnap whispered. “And I was trying to process that, and then they started emailing me with issues, and me and Luke recorded a video and I’m trying to edit that and get it out, so I got distracted.”
“Why shouldn’t you be affected?” Dream whispered.
“Because it’s your coping mechanism, it wasn’t mine. I was just… support,” Sapnap whispered.
“You were a lot more than just support, Nick. And I think you know that,” Dream whispered. “It was more, to you. And I’m sorry…”
“Don’t,” Sapnap whispered. “Please don’t apologize. I can’t cry anymore. I’m not affected in the ways of, we made all these changes and now… I’m affected because I feel like I failed.”
“Failed?” Dream whispered, closing the door and sitting on the bed. “You didn’t… Nick this isn’t your fault.”
“I know I did the right thing, handling the situation and telling you guys. But, I thought this could be the thing, right? The thing I could do, and be good at. Have a little help, yeah, but… I’d finally be able to take care of you for once. Ever since I’ve moved in here, all you’ve ever done was take care of me. Rent, food, hell even gas. I hardly pay for anything around here. Yeah, I’m your roommate and we’re friends, but… you make it really easy to forget about real expenses. I was finally able to take care of you in a way that you needed me to, in a way that mattered. I can’t do that anymore, so now I’m stuck taking, and taking and taking and seeing these comments about me being a leech and not being able to refute them in my head. Because… I don’t do anything. I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I don’t… I don’t do anything. And I think that’s why I keep talking to the merch companies, or the companies that reach out and want to do promos, because at least then I’m doing something. I don’t wanna be a bum.”
“Nick, you’re not a bum,” Dream whispered. “I do these things, take care of everything, because that’s just what I do. That’s what I like to do. I like to make life easy for other people.”
“I know that, and I love that about you, but it makes me feel… useless,” Sapnap whispered. “And when I learned about him, little you, I stopped being useless in my brain. And then I had little Georgie, and I finally was good at something, and I had something that I could do to help take the stress away. I don’t have that anymore.”
Dream inhaled sharply at the word ‘useless’, because he’s never seen Sapnap as someone like that. He blinked, staring at his friend with watery eyes, until Sapnap chuckled weakly.
“But in the end, it’s not about me,” Sapnap continued. “It’s about you. It’s what you’re comfortable with. And I know that.”
Dream swallowed thickly, before nodding. He had another apology in his throat, but he swallowed it down, and he sniffed. “Thank you,” he said instead. “For taking such good care of me.”
“Thank you for letting me,” Sapnap smiled, and Dream weakly returned it before slowly leaving the room. He didn’t bother going back to George in the living room, he just went straight to his own room, laid down in his bed, and started to cry.
Eventually, George sat down next to him, rubbing his shoulder gently. Dream made a weak noise in the back of his throat.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” Dream whispered.
“Do you still feel him? Little you?” George asked softly.
“Yeah,” Dream nodded, “Everytime I pass those rooms. Or that closet with the toys in it, with the little plates and cups. God, he’s still there, and I know I can’t get rid of him.”
“So don’t,” George whispered.
“I can’t hurt you again,” Dream whispered, and George laid down practically ontop of him, pressing his cheek into Dream’s shoulder as Dream was laying on his side.
“Things are gonna happen that scare us. She hurt you, both of you. She destroyed you, ruined everything. But Sapnap was fixing that, and yes, there was a bump or two. But I know, and little me knows, that it’s not because you’re upset with me, or that you hate me. Clay, he’s never going to go away, because you’re not healed. We’re not healed.”
“Why haven’t you been regressing?” Dream whispered.
“Everytime I did, while they took great care of me, they were so sad that I was alone. Apparently little me asked about you alot, and would get really said everytime they told me you weren’t coming back, little you. Now I guess he feels like he can’t either, but I feel him. That headspace lingers, because they’re not done yet.”
“I’m scared,” Dream whispered.
“I know,” George whispered back, “And you have every right to be. But hiding him isn’t going to fix anything. It isn’t going to take that pain away, from any of us. Punz walked around like he doesn’t know what he’s doing here anymore. Sapnap never leaves his room, it’s like we’re alone in this house, and that’s scaring me so much more than you ever could.”
“I don’t know how to bring him back,” Dream whispered after a while of silence. “I think I scared him, in some way, to never come back again.”
“I think you know who to go to,” George whispered. “We both do. But that’s when you’re ready. Little Dream felt comfortable enough to expose you once, he’ll do again.”
Dream inhaled, stuffy and shaky, but nodded. George cuddled up behind him, and eventually they fell asleep like that. Dream knew he was right, though. He just had to find the right time to do it.