Chapter Text
Even with the ample time she took to build up her nerves, even after rehearsing every line in her head, one last worrisome thought managed to worm its way into Ragatha’s mind just as she had finally reached her destination.
This may have been a bad idea after all.
The disheartened ragdoll began to sway in place, conflicted between standing her ground and slinking away as she shifted her weight undecidedly from one foot to the other. Quiet had settled in the hallway now that nearly all its residents had retired to their bedrooms. Not a soul was left to witness her strange little dance, and yet embarrassment still crept under her skin. How desperate she must look, lingering in front of the newcomer’s room like a miserable puppy hoping to be let in.
Should I really be doing this? She thought. Is it too soon? Maybe…maybe Pomni just wants to be alone right now.
With doubt continuing to fester, she stood there staring at the jester icon labeling the girl’s door, searching its comically wide eyes, as if she’d be able to find the right answer residing within them. However, the more she looked, the more they appeared to be examining her instead. Ragatha’s eyebrows knitted closer together under their scrutiny. The awful memory of Pomni gaping in dismay at the flurry of confetti that fluttered where her new friend had once stood was still too fresh.
No. No, she’d definitely want to be alone. And who could blame her? Today was just…
There really were no words to sum up how wrong it all went. What could’ve been, should’ve been, one of Caine’s more lighthearted adventures somehow escalated into something worse than the day before. And any effort of hers to improve Pomni’s mood had all been in vain.
Ragatha finally broke off her staring contest with the door to look down at the paper in her hand. A startled gasp escaped her when she noticed that it was now crinkled, no doubt made by the unconscious tightening of her already tense grip. In a panic, she placed the sheet against the wall and began to desperately smooth out the wrinkles with a fist. Being extra careful not to accidentally smear anything and ruin the precious contents that were on the page.
“Please. Please. Please!’ Ragatha whispered, the word coming out as a pitiful hiss in her attempt to stay quiet. She didn’t want anyone to find her like this, least of all Pomni.
After doing all she could to mend her mistake, Ragatha anxiously inspected the gift in her trembling hands. The creases were less prominent, but very much still noticeable.
Now look at what you’ve done!
With a groan, she shut her eyes and pulled the page forward to shamefully cover her face.
And after Gangle worked so hard on it, too. Oh, why did I think I could do this?
As her dwindling courage continued to be sapped away, her mind wandered back to the aftermath of Kaufmo’s funeral. Back to the moment that had led her to Pomni’s door in the first place.
Everyone had gone their separate ways, but she chose to stay behind after the service had ended. None of the others had paid her any mind as they left, save for a wordless pat on the head by Kinger, solemn comfort from the usually scattered older man. When silence was all the company she had left, Ragatha let her legs collapse underneath herself. The deep ache that had been slowly blanketing her body throughout the day finally became too much.
In only two days, their newest member had experienced some of the worst the Circus had to offer. The unexpected abstraction of a former fellow human, followed by the brutal elimination of a self-aware NPC. Then there was Jax’s horrendous behavior in between. It was hard enough to live as a virtual prisoner, but the reckless rabbit practically made it his mission to make all the worst first impressions within record time.
Sitting there on the cold tile floor, Ragatha reflected on every misstep she made with Pomni. Every cordial smile or encouraging word she offered was met with uncertainty at best and displeasure at worst. No amount of good spirits on her part proved effective. Instead, it seems all she managed to do was make Pomni resent her attempts at friendship. So much so that she preferred to befriend someone who wasn’t even a real person.
Ragatha’s good eye widened at her own insensitivity.
Did I really just-? Gosh, what is wrong with me!?
A small seam came undone on her index finger from how roughly she wrung her hands. The loose string dangled uncomfortably from her fabric skin. Tugging at it with a frown, Ragatha tied the thread around her finger to keep it from unraveling even further, making the tip of her digit slightly swell up.
Calling Gummigoo not real, Ragath huffed internally. Yeah, that’s rich coming from someone like you.
Hugging herself, she tucks the damaged hand under an arm and feels her limbs sinking into her plush body.
So what if he was just another NPC? He was real to her, that’s what mattered!
But in the end, it didn’t matter. Not according to Caine. If Gummigoo were real, he would still be with the rest of them. Allowed to exist within the Circus and join in on the occasional adventure if he wanted. She thought, since there were plenty of odd NPCs wandering around the Tent already, what was the harm in one more?
Ragatha’s frown deepened at her own naivety. After all of her years in the Circus, how could she underestimate the unfairness of their situation? At this point, she could've written book after book about all of the things she still couldn’t understand. Trying to decipher Caine’s logic may as well have been its own volume. She had to trust that he meant well, even if he was a bit unhinged at times.
And yet, Ragatha couldn’t deny that his callousness in exploding the character right in front of them without warning felt so…unnecessarily horrifying.
But still, not all that surprising.
So then why did I agree to let him come along?
When Pomni had announced that he would be joining them on their return, Ragatha was immediately concerned about whether Caine would object in some way. But helping the NPC was clearly important to the jester, and Ragatha would’ve done anything at that point to make her feel better after all that had happened. The ragdoll was all too eager to finally make a breakthrough in their friendship, even if it meant breaking the rules a little.
Ragatha’s hopes were as short-lived as poor Gummigoo.
She hates me now. She has to. Why wouldn’t she? It’s all my fault. I should’ve known better. Why did I think he would have lasted longer than he was meant to exist? Why did I think this day could’ve been different? Why, why, why am I so useless?
Kaufmo’s framed portrait beamed at her from his funeral altar. Another reminder of someone else she had failed. As the doll stared back at him, she held her breath. A nervous habit that never left, even after arriving in the Circus. She didn’t need air, not really. Not for the lungs she didn’t have. For a body that’s arguably no more real than Gummigoo was. What mattered to her was the sensation. The simulated suffocation occurred despite having no physical repercussions from depriving her body of oxygen. Ragatha just needed to feel it. Until it hurt worse than the guilt.
Just how long until it’s Pomni’s picture? How long until you’ll have to hold a funeral for her?
Try as she might, Ragatha couldn’t stop her mind from veering in a direction she’d been desperately avoiding.
What if she’s not the one who goes next? What if you break before she does? Surely you can’t keep this act up for much longer.
Letting herself breathe again did the opposite of helping. The first gasp quickly turned shallow and erratic until her chest was heaving.
Huh, what then? When it’s time to say a few words in honor of your sorry excuse for a life, would she say anything good about you? In fact, would any of them?
In a blink, Kaufmo’s face was suddenly replaced with a photo of herself. She was also smiling in her picture. Always smiling as if nothing was wrong. Except, she always seemed to be what was wrong.
…Honestly, Ragatha…
The familiar voice echoed, cold and condescending, and she squeezed her stomach harder.
Is there anything good to say about you?
It was a gentle tug at her dress that pulled her out of her panic attack. After quickly calming herself, she realized that it was Gangle, looking as meek as ever with her drooping posture. Ragatha thought she had only come to help clear out the arrangements that were made for Kaufmo’s funeral, but to her surprise, the timid girl instead presented her with a request. To deliver a gift to Pomni, no less.
“But wh-why me?” Ragatha had stammered as Gangle slipped the page into her hands.
“I’m not as close to her as you are yet,” the ribbon girl explained, her voice slightly congested due to her weepy TragedyMask. “So, I think she would appreciate it more if it came from you. Besides,” she wiped away one of the shiny blue teardrops that dangled at the corner of her eye, only for it to be immediately replaced with another. This caused her to whimper and slouch even more, “I don’t think I’m ready to talk to her when I’m…y’know, like this.”
“Close” didn’t feel like an accurate assessment of Ragatha’s current relationship with Pomni. Far from it. But Gangle needed her help. It’s so rare for her to come directly to the doll for anything nowadays. Ragatha wasn’t about to turn down this opportunity.
So here she was, stalling on the one task that was asked of her. She had to stop herself from just slipping the page underneath the door and being done with it. As nervous as she was about confronting the jester, she knew better than to do something so cowardly. Gangle deserved to be properly credited for her gift; she owed her that much when she hadn’t done anything to help against Jax’s bullying throughout the adventure. Besides, Ragatha had to see for herself how their new neighbor was doing. After all, she didn’t exactly look reassured by the likelihood of Gummigoo returning someday. Even as she had said it, the doll knew the suggestion was in bad taste.
I could just end up making things even worse between us.
Ragatha shook her head, her red hair swishing vigorously. Sucking in one last sharp breath, she abruptly stopped her teetering with a stomp of her foot.
Well, what kind of attitude is that! It’s at least worth a try!
With that, Ragatha lifted a hesitant hand to the door. Wanting to cause as little disturbance as possible, she gave the softest rhythmic tap on the wood. A single second goes by, then a few more. Her shoulders slumped when the door remained closed, filling her with a complicated mix of disappointment and relief.
Whelp, I guess she’s asleep after all!
Ragatha swiftly pivots on her foot to face the opposite side of the hallway, preparing to make a beeline for her room.
Not a problem! I’ll just try again tomorrow morn-
The sound of something creaking open stops her dead in her tracks.
“...Ragatha?” questioned a voice from behind.
Stifling a curse under her breath, the doll puts on her best smile and spins back around.
“Pomni! Hey!” she exclaims with feigned enthusiasm, giving a short wave before catching her arm to squeeze it. “Didn’t uh,” a weak chuckle escaped as she kept her smile locked in place, “didn’t think you heard me knocking.”
A sharper creak echoes throughout the hallway as the shorter woman opens her door wider.
“I almost didn’t,” the corner of Pomni’s lips twitched slightly upwards into an amicable smirk as she spoke. “Thought I imagined it with how quiet it's been.”
“O-oh, hope I didn't wake you or anything. I know it’s been a long day, so if I’m keeping you from resting…,” Ragatha said sheepishly, taking a few steps back.
She was torn between being dismissed before getting the chance to do anything now that Pomni had graciously taken the time to answer, and not wanting to push her luck. However, the jester merely blinked up at her with a slight tilt to her head.
“Not really,” she reassured, her tone light. “What’s up?”
The apparent lack of irritation with her presence ignited a little more confidence in the doll to proceed.
“W-well, Gangle wanted me to give you this,” Ragatha explained, handing over the gift.
She practically freezes in place as the jester pulls it free from her fingers, carefully observing her reaction. Almost instantly, Pomni’s pale face shifted from curiosity to astonishment, going slack-jawed at the modest yet faithful pencil sketch that depicted none other than her dearly departed friend, Gummigoo.
When Gangle first showed it to her, Ragatha was amazed by how accurate the portrait was. After all, they had only known the NPC briefly before Caine had unceremoniously obliterated him. Having known Gangle for quite some time now, she was well aware of her passion for art, though it never seemed to wear out its wonder. As Pomni’s expanding pupils continued to marvel at the page, Ragatha caught a twinkle in her large eyes that made her smile. Taking it as a sign that the gift was being well received, she gradually let the tension leave her body.
“…Gangle did this?” Pomni whispered in awe.
A more exuberant grin crept across Ragatha’s face as she nodded excitedly.
“Yeah! Isn’t she great!” exclaimed the doll. “It’s something that Gangle loves doing for all her friends, and it looks like that includes you now, too! Normally, she’s more than happy to give out these gifts herself, but I’m afraid she’s…feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment.” Ragatha deflated a bit before nervously asking, “D-do you like it?”
Pomni’s breathing subtly quickens for a moment, and her eyelashes flutter in rapid blinks
“...I-It’s,” was all the jester could initially verbalize. Her eyes began to shimmer in the hallway light as a grin appeared, growing with every second she continued looking at the page until she finally breathed out, “It’s great.”
Nothing could have prepared Ragatha for the relief that came with seeing the return of such a genuine smile. She had only seen it once before, when Pomni revealed that she had befriended the very bandit they were tasked to capture for the adventure. It seemed the gummy gator had a knack for bringing that kind of joy out of her.
Without even trying.
Envy pierced her like a needle, bursting her bubble of satisfaction. Suddenly, Ragatha didn’t like the way Pomni was smiling quite as much. The bitterness it brought permeated through her, unpleasant and unwelcome. Clinging inside her like heavy tar and making it difficult to breathe. Even thinking took a great deal of effort as disparaging clouds polluted her thoughts and darkened her mood. Frustration boiled in her gut. The unfairness of it all, she should be pleased with this outcome. It was the best outcome. Ragatha had finally made Pomni smile. She should be happy! And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to smile even half as wide as her.
So that's what it looks like when someone misses you.
“I-I’ll have to thank Gangle the next time I see her,” Pomni said as she turned to look down the hallway, toward her room. Ragatha remains fixated on Pomni’s smile even as she turns back to the drawing in her hand. “And compliment her work.”
“You should,” Ragatha speaks as if on autopilot, “She’d like that.”
Pomni put the paper down, “It was nice of her to do this for me.” Her smile shifted, becoming more bashful. “A-and it was nice of you to come by.”
At that, the doll swiftly returns her focus to the jester’s striking eyes. There was no denying that every one of the Circus residents looked somewhat odd, and Pomni was certainly not spared from being altered into a weird little character upon entering the digital world. Ragatha could only imagine what the initial reaction to her new appearance must have been. To see that her eyes were far from resembling those of a typical human anymore, instead now patterned into pinwheels with alternating colors of carmine and cobalt. They were strange to be sure, certainly unlike anything Ragatha had ever seen. But the longer she stared, the more she found them to be utterly mesmerizing.
... Whoa.
Somewhere within her digital body, she could’ve sworn her nonexistent heart skipped a beat.
“Thanks for this, Ragatha,” Pomni tells her. “I’m…I’m seriously starting to feel a lot better.”
A warmth unlike anything she’d ever felt began to spread throughout the doll until even the canvas of her face began tingling with heat. She couldn’t believe that this was the same Pomni who seemed so uninterested in talking with her just a few hours ago. For the first time since her arrival, Ragatha felt assured that she had done something right.
But the delighted feeling quickly shrivels up when she realizes that their conversation is quickly reaching its natural conclusion. It suddenly hits her that this has been the friendliest exchange they’ve ever had. Unlike their one-sided “chat” that morning, this felt like an honest-to-goodness fresh start for them. It made her believe that things might be ok.
She wanted to hold on to this feeling for as long as possible.
“Ha, y-yeah, well, y’know,” Ragatha responded to the jester’s gratitude, clutching her dress in one hand as she rocked on her heels. “I’m just happy we could cheer you up, even just a tiny bit. It’s always tough after someone…” Unable to maintain eye contact, Ragatha begins to rub her arm a little rougher. “Listen, Pomni. Y-you can always come to us if you need anything. All of this…it’s a lot, I know, but we won’t think less of you for wanting help.”
Ragath had only meant to glance back at Pomni for a second, but was caught off guard by the mere sight of the jester listening to her so attentively. Absorbing everything she was saying with an earnest expression. It was such a stark difference from the frigid demeanor she had been subjected to throughout the day that the doll felt her face quickly becoming flushed again from the unexpected positive attention.
“I-I mean, it’s good to have friends here for you at the end of the day! Especially on days like this one, right? Today sure was a real-,“ an inner voice with more sense started protesting to keep her from finishing her sentence, but it was too late. The word died on her tongue, and she couldn’t keep the corpse from falling past her lips as she lamely blurted out, “-bummer.”
Ragatha’s half-hearted delivery landed with a dull thud. Although she hadn’t said it very loudly, the word seemed to echo into the empty hallway, mocking her. With a wince, Pomni stopped smiling, and the light in her eyes noticeably dimmed as she set her jaw in discomfort. The awkwardness grew more palpable with each silent second that was allowed to pass.
Pomni ended up being the one to finally say something again, giving the doll an uncertain, “…uh huh.”
Placing both hands on her hips in an effort to appear less nervous, Ragatha carried on the conversation, “S-so yeah, um,” she stuttered, “L-like I was saying, the door’s always open for you, haha. Just come a ‘knocking!”
Emphasizing her invitation with an animated swing of her arm, the doll gives her as bright a smile as she could give. But Ragatha soon drops her toothy grin, on account of Pomni’s expression remaining unimpressed by her encouraging gesture. Officially mortified, she looks away and does her best to ignore the stinging behind her eye. The seam on her finger came loose again.
“I’m…I’m sorry. I-I’ll just-” she quickly points back to her room with a thumb, “-yeah...Goodnight.” And begins to turn away.
“…W-wait.”
Ragatha looks back to see that the jester had taken a few steps out of her doorway, fiddling with her gloves as she approached.
“I appreciate it,” Pomni insists, placing a hand against her chest, “really.” She tried tucking a lock of her dark hair behind an ear, only for it to simply fall back into place as she continued, “I honestly think it’s sweet how much you want to help.”
Wide-eyed, Ragatha watches as Pomni rubs the back of her head, looking like she wants to say more.
“And hey, since you offered,” the jester pauses, visibly more nervous now, “c-could I ask you for a small favor?”
Taking a keen step closer to her, Ragatha nods.
“Of course,” came her assurance in a hushed tone, restraining her usual enthusiasm.
Pomni glances at the drawing again before closing her eyes to take a quick breath. “I-I think I…I’d like to do a funeral,” she stammers, “for Gummigoo.”
A pause hangs in the air as Pomni gazes expectantly at her until Ragatha finally processes a reply.
“O-oh!” She clasps both of her hands in front of her. “Well, that sounds like a great idea, Pomni!”
In truth, the idea sounded strange to her. She knew Pomni was attached to the NPC, but he was ultimately just a construct of the Circus. Designed by Caine for them to interact with only until the adventure ended. Although he may have been, for all intents and purposes, deleted, the chances of him returning were undoubtedly higher compared to the rest of them if they were to abstract. Perhaps not as Pomni knew him, but alive nevertheless.
Kaufmo and the rest of the abstracted humans, on the other hand, were gone. And as far as they knew, not even Caine could bring them back. She had to come to terms with this reality long ago. But Ragatha wasn’t about to openly criticize Pomni’s way of coping, not when she had just promised to give her support.
Not when things have finally started to improve between them.
“In that case,” Ragatha continues, “how about we set something up tomorrow? I’m sure I could get the others to join, too!”
To her surprise, Pomni starts to shake her head. “A-actually, I was wondering if we could do a quick one right now,” she elaborates. “Just the two of us?”
Ragatha stares at her, stunned. “…are you sure?”
Looking away, Pomni rubs her arm. “Yeah, I don’t want to make it a whole thing. Something small feels more personal, y’know? I was even thinking of just doing it by myself, but I figured since you’re here-,” she swallows, shaking her head again, and begins walking back into her room. “B-but if it’s too weird for you, we can just forget it.”
When she began to grab the door, Ragatha took a panicked step forward. “No! It’s not…I really don’t mind! It’s just that I-I didn’t even know Gummigoo,” she hugs herself tightly again. “So, if no one else is going to be a part of it, would having me join you even matter?”
To be offered such an invitation felt undeserved. Especially when she still couldn’t comprehend how exactly she felt about the NPC.
Pomni smiled. “Well, I didn’t know Kaufmo, and you invited me to his funeral,” she points out with a hint of amusement in her tone.
Ragatha still wasn’t sure why she had done that. Perhaps she saw it as a last-ditch effort to make Pomni feel included somehow. What was even more astounding was Pomni agreeing to the offer. The fact that she chose to participate in such a solemn affair, to share in their grief for someone she had never technically met. It had meant a lot to Ragatha. She figures she could at least return the favor.
This much she could do.
“Ok then,” Ragatha chirps, hoping the return of her chipper attitude was convincing enough. “Let’s do it.”