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Charles laid out on the couch, there was a lull in cases and they’d all decided to take a much needed break from all the craziness. Charles was throwing his ball up and catching it repeatedly as he tried to gather all his thoughts swirling in his mind like a storm.
Despite all his years dead, he was only 16, he was completely out of his depth, grappling with a concept that seemed so easy and natural to everyone else but so complex and elusive.
Love.
At home, the word had been as dead as he is, never spoke of and even more rarely understood. His dad, a towering figure in his life, never dared to utter it. It was too soft for a man who always prided himself on his use of strength and anger towards his son. The idea of his dad loving him left a bitter taste in his mouth, something unbelievable and so untrue.
His mum had approached love like it was a secret, she’d whisper the word, when she was icing a bruise or cleaning a lash, but it always was said like an apology, a recognition of the poor family dynamics. A sorry for ever new mark that graced his skin.
Charles grew up with no understanding of love. His dad didn't love him or his mum yet his mum was so clouded by her own love she couldn’t leave. Love was something that he knew off but didn't know.
That was until Edwin. From the very moment they met, an easy affection formed for Charles. Ignited by Edwin’s quick wit and small sweet smiles. Edwin was elegant in his emotions, guarded from his upbringing and Hell. He was blunt and often sharp but his heart was undeniably kind. It was effortless to love him; every gesture, from Edwin’s over the top hand movements when he talked to the way he could make Charles smile from his simple presence. Edwin was safe to Charles.
Yet, that lingering question gnawed at him. Was this just love or was it deeper, was he In Love with Edwin? How could he differentiate the two? Where was the line that marked the difference between friends and lovers? How was he meant to know if this was love in the romantic sense of simply the profound bond of a decades old friendship?
He sighed, stopping throwing the ball up and raked his fingers though his hair in frustration. Constantly thinking about this was making him mental, he needed help. But who could he go too?
Niko!
Niko loved love, she set up a date for Jenny and while that didn't go great it still was something! And Niko was bound to know something more than he does about the subject.
He sat up from the couch and put the ball down on the seat. He looked up to Edwin who was sitting at his desk reading quietly. His eyes were tracking each word, lips slightly parted in awe at the information he was reading and he looked completely bewitched by his book.
“Edwin?” He broke the peaceful silence.
Edwin looked up. “Yes Charles?”
“I’m gonna go talk to Niko about something, be back soon, okay?”
“Yes, yes, go right ahead.” Edwin’s hand waved him along, too busy absorbing the information in the book to really care too much about what Charles was up to and doing.
It was sweet, how much Edwin loved to take in information like a sponge then recite it all to Charles later as his hands flapped or made a cute crab-like motion.
He smiled to himself before going through the mirror to Niko’s apartment.
“How do you know if you’re in love with someone?”
Niko looked surprised by his sudden presence, she was sat cross legged on her new bed in London. A bowl of cereal in her arms and her decorated laptop infront of her.
Her face lit up at the question.
“Oh! Uh lemme look up the whole thing!” She said hurriedly putting the bowl on her bedside table and dragging her laptop onto her lap. She typed quickly as Charles walked over to her, stopping her typing to pat the bed for him to sit, and he did so.
“Do you enjoy being around them?” she piped up, tilting her head at him.
Charles liked how Niko didn't ask why he wanted to know, just gave him the help and information that would aid him in figuring things out. It was nice, there was no push to find anything out, just a kind acceptance.
Charles nodded. “Yeah.”
“You notice all the small details about them?”
“Well yeah, I’ve known him for 30 years.” Charles looked at his hands and looked at them confused. This wasn’t helping much.
“You value their opinion.” Niko spoke again, choosing to ignore the statement.
Charles nodded this time.
Of course he valued Edwin’s opinion, they’d been best mates and work partners for years. He knew Edwin better than he knew himself, he also knows by now to trust Edwin’s opinion or at least try and understand it. How else would they build an entire business together?
“You don't mind doing favours for them?”
This feels as pointless as all his thinking has been. These are things he’s been doing for Edwin for decades, of course he’d do Edwin favours. He’d do the same for Crystal and Niko! This just feels like he's in a constant cycle of is this friendship or is this romance? What actually marks the line? What makes it clearly seen that he’s In Love with Edwin? Because this still sounds like their friendship to him and it's driving him round the bend.
“Charles?” Niko asked.
Charles jolted to look at her, she smiled kindly.
“Sorry, lost in thought.”
“Oh, I know that most people feel butterflies in their stomach when they’re around them, like feeling nervous?” she offered, looking at him hopefully.
“Thanks Niko, I’m gonna go think about all this.” Charles didn't wait for a response before leaving through the mirror back to the office.
Well that didn't work well.
He didn't want to hurt Niko’s feelings but fuck that had barely done anything to help him with his feelings. This was so incredibly frustrating.
Sure some of them were yes, well nearly all of them. But most people feel butterflies around them, Charles has never felt like that with Edwin, it's always been so easy to be around him. Being around Edwin has always been easy, calming. Edwin was his anchor.
But fuck who else could he go to about this?
Niko tried her best but now Charles feels even more confused. Edwin? He wishes but if he got Edwin’s hopes up only to crush them it would hurt even more. Crystal? Absolutely not, not after Port Townsend and their whole thing it would be mean to go to her about this. Fuck who else?
Tragic Mick? No, definitely not. Cassandra? No she’d just look at him confused and demand he get out of her shop. He wasn’t even going to entertain the idea of going to the Night Nurse. That left Jenny.
Hmm. That actually isn’t a bad idea. Jenny is an adult, she’d know things about relationships, right?
Next place, Jenny’s shop.
“Charles, are you alright?”
Edwin was there, concern highlighted in his voice. He stood by the door of the office, evidently having just walked in. His presence is grounding. His head was tilted ever so slightly, it made the worry on his face stand out. He held an open book in his arms, pages fluttering with the air drifting through the open windows. There was a noticeable crease in Edwin’s brow, and lips turning down slightly in a frown.
From the moment they first met, Charles found himself drawn to Edwin. There was something heavenly about him that gave him comfort, a lantern in the sea of the mess in his head. Charles had thought Edwin was an Angel, someone sent to guide him through his darkest moments. The way Edwin carried himself- with a grace that was truly divine- was enchanting.
Edwin was something else entirely.
“Yeah, I’m all good mate, just thinking,” He admitted.
“Is it something I can help you with?” Edwin offered.
“Nah, not currently, just need to figure something else, then I’ll tell you all about it, okay?”
Edwin nodded and smiled softly, ever so sweetly. No one gets to see this smile but Charles.
“Alright, I’ll be here if you need me.”
Charles nodded before dipping into the mirror.
He came out in the mirror now placed in Jenny’s hallway. He walked around trying to find her before going down stairs, she was in the back chopping meat.
“Jenny!” Charles made his presence known.
“Holy shit!” Jenny jumped and luckily managed to miss cutting herself. She glared at him.
“Sorry, Sorry!” Charles apologised sheepishly, holding his arms up.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked.
“I wanted to ask you a question, or a few, please?” Charles gave a hopeful smile.
“Why do you want to ask me something?” Jenny looked very confused. “I mean- like no offence- we’ve barely spoken.”
“You’re kinda the only other person I can go to,” He admitted. “Can’t go to Edwin cause it will get his hopes up, can't go to Crystal cause of other reasons and I tried Niko but it didn't help.”
“So I’m your last resort?”
Charles nodded with a small wince. “Yeah.”
Jenny rolled her eyes before grabbing a new piece of meat and preparing to cut it. “Go on then.”
“How do you know if you’re in love with someone?”
The knife slammed down a lot harder than expected and Charles flinched. Jenny was looking at him with wide, and confused, eyes.
“What the fuck kind of question is that?” she asked she set the knife down before going to rinse her hands.
“Sorry! I just-fuck I died at 16 okay! I don’t know what being in love feels like or what it even involves fuck I’ve never even had a crush on someone! But I just-I need to know.” He looked away, his gaze dropping to the floor unable to meet her eyes any longer. “It was never a possibility for me until recently and I just want to know.”
“Oh shit, look kid, it's fine, it's fine, but the sounds of what you just said I think I know what you’re on about,” She was rinsing her hands in the sink, her voice anxious but her eyes showed a hint of empathy. “I’m gonna be shit at this conversation, and my love life is shit,”
Charles nodded, his expression a mix of gratitude and hope, he was relieved that she was taking him seriously, even if her own experiences weren’t great.
“Just go sit in there, I need to get coffee for this.” She gestured with her head over to the small table in the corner of the Tongue & Tail before hurrying out to make her drink.
He settled into a chair, feeling a bit lighter, finally getting closer on a path he’d long avoided. He was glad Jenny was able to have some sort of idea of what was going on with him.
Jenny returned shortly and sat down opposite him, taking a long swig of her coffee.
“Fuck this is so awkward, please tell me you’re talking about the other ghost and not Crystal?” Jenny blurted out.
“Uh, Yeah, its about Edwin.” he confessed.
“Thank god,” She hesitated before asking “Did you know you like boys?”
The question was said so awkwardly they both winced at it.
“Uh, yeah, I’m Bisexual, I know that, it's more the whole ‘Love’ Thing.”
“Yeah, sexuality is complicated.” Jenny added. “So what even bought this up?”
“Uh, Edwin, my best mate, he told me he’s In Love with me.”
“Okay, how does him being In Love with you feel?” Jenny asked.
“Flattered? I guess, Edwin’s the best person I know,” He smiled at the thought of Edwin.
“Great, fuck I don't know- what do you know about love and relationships?”
“What do you mean?” Charles asked head tilting.
“For me, Love if difficult, I know it, but it always leaves me quickly or tries to kill me. It's difficult, hard. I can never seem to make it work. It leaves me wondering if I’m doing something wrong or if love itself is just too much. Every time I open myself up, there’s that fear that it might turn painful or just go. It’s exhausting, to be honest. It’s like I’m running in circles, chasing something that feels just out of reach. It’s frustrating to feel like I’m constantly on this rollercoaster—moments of joy followed by long stretches of confusion and hurt. What is that like for you?”
“I don’t really know what love is. I know I love Edwin, but it's trying to find the line between us being friends for 30 years compared to something romantic, I’ve never really experienced it, I thought I did with Crystal but looking at it, I liked her but I still can’t even tell if that was romantic and I kissed her!”
“Okay, it's not uncommon for queer kids to mistake platonic and romantic love, it's also okay to feel Love in small amounts,” Jenny explained. “Some people are aromantic, meaning they don’t experience or experience little romantic attraction or love.”
Charles didn't say anything, just taking the information in so Jenny continued.
“You said earlier you’re Bi, do you know how attraction can separate and differ?” Jenny asked. Charles shook his head. “Right, some people might be romantically attracted to girls but they experience sexual attraction to both boys and girls.”
That was new information. Charles had never really thought of them having a difference before, he hadn’t really thought overly much about his sexuality other than knowing he was Bi.
“I didn't know about that,” Charles admitted.
“Most don't. I’m romantically and sexually attracted to women but you can have people who don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction,” Jenny explained. “That’s called Aromantic Asexual.”
“But, quick question,” Jenny added quickly. “Fuck this is gonna be weird but-Do you think Edwin is hot?”
Charles thought of Edwin. The way his eyes brightened like emeralds when he ranted about whatever topic he was currently obsessed with. The line of his sweet smile- the one that curled up at the corners. The simple beauty of it is enough to make Charles completely speechless. The softness of his pale skin and his broad shoulders carrying the strength of his time in Hell and Alive. The slight sway of his hips as if each step was a dance just for him to admire. It wasn’t just his physical appearance that made Charles struggle to look away; it was his quirks, his laughter and the way he made the most boring topics come alive.
So yeah Edwin was pretty Fit.
“Yeah.” Charles admitted almost hesitantly, knowing there's nothing to fear but still having it ingrained into him.
“Well you know there's sexual attraction,” Jenny awkwardly pointed out. “What was your homelife like, kid?”
“Why do you need to know?” Charles asked a bit harshly, feeling slightly defensive.
“Fuck that was rude, it’s just we learn a lot from our parents with Love ‘n shit so it can also affect all this. She explained waving a hand around.
“How?” Charles questioned.
“My experience sucked, my dad was a dick, flaming narcissist and my mom died when I was young. My dad was also an alcoholic and when he drank he got angry, he didn't like me when he got angry,” Jenny confessed quietly, eyes staring daggers into the table before she took a sip of her drink. “When it came to Love I struggled, couldn’t figure shit out and ended up trying to force myself into shit I didn't want.”
“My dad was a dick, to me and to mum. Mum was just- just quiet and I knew she loved me just not more than she feared him.” He looked down at the table as he spoke, memories pooling into his eyes as he felt the sting of tears. “Niko- Niko said most people feel nervous around those they like, but I feel nervous around everyone, my dad- I was never enough for him, couldn't stop him from hurting me and-” Charles cut himself off.
“Chill for a minute,” Jenny said pointedly.
Charles took a tick to focus on his breathing and everything else other than his dad and his shitty homelife. Thinking of home, the office and Edwin, and being sat here in the present now. He gave Jenny a nod to let her know he was okay to continue.
“Growing up in an abusive household is gonna make you anxious all the time around everyone. Walking on eggshells around someone who was meant to protect you is gonna give you trust issues and make you wary of just about everyone. It can also make it easier to fall for the wrong sort.” Jenny looked over to the knife sitting on the counter before jerking her head back and looking at Charles. “I had an issue with Love when I was your age,”
Jenny didn't meet his eyes. “I struggled with knowing what the hell I was feeling and to know if it was different from wanting her to be my friend or not. I learned over time that for me being In Love with someone is similar to safety. I didn't have it growing up but I had it with her.”
“You don't need to experience love the same way everyone else does, you don’t need to pressure yourself into being just like everyone else.”
“That's good to know but how do I figure out if I see Edwin as a friend or more?” Charles asked, getting slightly frustrated.
“Do you need to?” Jenny asked. “Wait, tell me about Edwin, how do you see him?”
“When we first met, I was dying,” Charles began, his voice steady but filled with emotion. “Edwin knew I was dying but never told me. He sat with me as I died, reading to me, answering my questions. It helped me to escape the pain. I thought he was some form of angel, my very own Guardian Angel, his kindness was a light in my life that was dark before him.”
Charles pauses briefly, his mind going back to the beginning of them. “After I died, he let me hang around with him. Sure he had his moments- his blunt honesty catches me off guard still. But underneath that stoic, coldness is a heart desperate to do good. He is still trying to fix what he believes he's done wrong, carries the weight of it like a badge of honour, even though he never should have to.”
“Edwin never deserved Hell, never a second did I ever think he did, something in me knew he was good. I always want to protect him, keep him from any more harm. I demanded to go to hell for him, just to get him out. I’d do it again, over and over as many times as he needs me to.”
“That sounds like Love.” Jenny smiled. “Charles, Edwin isn’t just your friend, he’s yours, and it doesn’t have to be romantic, it can be, it can also not be, the Love you have for him is bigger than anything else and that is something. Your relationship is whatever you two want it to be.”
“Stop caring what other people think, your relationship doesn’t need to fit into a category of Friend or Lover. It's yours .” Jenny added. “Fuck what everyone else does, you two are already different.”
Charles smiled. “That sounds aces.”
“Does that help your question now?” Jenny asked.
“Yeah, it does, Thanks Jenny.” Charles cheerfully nodded to the both of them. “I’ve gotta go talk to Edwin,”
“Okay great,” Jenny said, shaking her head with secret affection.
Charles brightened when he saw Edwin, the boy was in just his button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his trousers, Charles still had no idea what they were called. He was sitting on the floor, a small pile of books on his side and when he looked up at Charles it was like looking into heaven.
His smile was relaxed and content, his eyes were shining with new knowledge and his hair was slightly ruffled.
“Edwin!” Charles rushed over to him, flopping to his knees and bouncing excitedly.
“You seem in a better mood.” Edwin noted, grabbing one of the many bookmarks from his pot and sliding it in place before shutting the book and putting it down.
“So I’ve been trying to figure out the rest, like if I’m In Love with you or not but I couldn’t figure out how to separate my friend's feelings from romantic, right? So I went to Niko but I just ended up in circles so I went to Jenny! Jenny helped me-”
Charles was stopped with a hand covering his mouth.
“Charles, I understand what you have to say is very important but breathe for a tick and let me catch up with what you’re saying.” Edwin looked at him pointedly before removing his hand.
Charles nodded and took in a deep breath and waited for Edwin’s nod to continue. Once he got it he carried on.
“I went to Jenny, and she explained shit about Love and attraction and there's this thing called Aromantic and we talked about love and how I experience love differently because of my homelife, and they explained to me that Love is Love, love isn’t this structured concept that has rigid rules to follow its whatever I, we , want it to be. And Edwin-”
Charles took Edwin’s hands in his and rubbed his thumb over the knuckles. “- I Love you more than anything, Loving you is so easy and so unconscious, I Love the way you smile after a case well done. I Love the way your hands make a little crab motion when you get really excited and I Love how you look when you’re dressed down like this. When I first met you I thought you were an angel, and I think I was right, You’re my Guardian Angel and I just completely and utterly Love you, in every single way possible. Our relationship can be whatever we want it to be and as long as you want that, I want it too.”
Edwin’s eyes were glassy, his perfect lips parted in awe, he was looking at Charles like he was the only person on earth.
“I want that too,” Edwin admitted. “I Love you so so much, Charles,”
Charles used Edwin’s hands to pull him closer, wrapped his arms around Edwin and held him, even at the awkward angle it was the best feeling in the world.
They pulled away and looked at each other, smiling dopily with tears in their eyes.
“But, I am still like figuring my own shit out, so I don’t know if I can get myself fully into a relationship just yet,” Charles admitted with a wince.
Edwin only smiled. “I agree, in a way. I still have only just realise my preference, there is still so much of Hell and myself I need to learn and think about, I-I have only just come to the knowledge that I am allowed to want and too much too quickly will surely overwhelm me, no matter how badly I want,”
“I still wanna be with you though.” Charles added as a reassurance.
“What if you were to Court me?” Edwin asked.
Charles raised an eyebrow and grinned. “What? Don’t want to court me yourself?”
“No! No! I just always thought it would have been quite nice to be courted.” Edwin admitted softly, anxious eyes looking down.
“Hey,” Charles said, tipping Edwin’s head to look at him. “I will court the shit out of you, it will be Brills,”
“Are you even aware of what goes into a courting?” Edwin asked with a matching grin.
“Nope, but I’m sure, you’ll tell me,” Charles said sweetly.
“Well, first you have to place your intention to court me, then it is Activities, like walks, galleries, going to the opera or sporting events as well as gifts like flowers and books,” He explained softly, nervously as if he was waiting to be shut down.
“I’d be quite happy to do all of that.”
“The intention of courting is essentially a long proposal, however, since it is our courtship I’d imagine the intent would be to be us once we are ready.” Edwin looked at Charles, waiting for his approval.
Charles smiled. “Edwin Payne. I am going to be courting you until we are both mentally okay to be us .”
“Charles Rowland, I accept.”
They grinned at each other, drunk off happiness.
“There’s one thing I’d like to do though,” Charles mentioned. “I’d quite like to Kiss you, if you’re ready for that?”
Edwin’s eyes widened and he breathed heavily. “I-I think I am, however I’m afraid I do not know what to do,”
Charles did the only thing he could do when it came to Edwin, He smiled even brighter.
“Don’t worry, Angel, I’ll guide you.”
Charles placed his hands on either side of Edwin’s face, leaned up further on his knees to get closer to him as one of Edwin’s hands wrapped around his wrist and the other landed on his chest, a comforting grounding connection. Their faces inched closer together and Charles tilted his own head to create the perfect angle. He looked into Edwin’s captivating eyes, feeling as if he was being pulled closer and closer by them.
In this moment, he closed his eyes, allowing himself to be fully present in the feeling of what must be heaven. He pressed his lips against Edwin’s ever so softly, savouring the sweetness. As their lips met, Edwin’s hand around his wrist tightened, his other hand scrunching the red fabric of his polo shirt as if he were anchoring himself.
Charles couldn’t help but grin against Edwin’s lips, a tidal wave of happiness crashing into him. He could tell Edwin shared his happiness as his lips also turned into a grin. Eventually they pulled away, laughter bubbling up and beaming at each other. Delightful laughs escaped from their lips, a shared melody of pure elation filled the air around them. They stayed in that blissful moment until Edwin moved away, the closeness becoming too much for him. Even as he moved back, his smile so carefree Charles saw a glimpse of something divine. Edwin was a true Angel in every sense of the word.
“Would you like me to read to you?” Edwin asked, breaking the lingering silence and nodding his head towards the couch.
“Absolutely,” Charles agreed.
They both got up, Edwin grabbing the book he had been reading and heading over to his place on the couch, sitting with his back straight, the book placed balancing on the arm until Charles got into the right position.
Charles stretched before pulling his polo shirt off and toeing off his shoes, he sat and kicked his legs into Edwin’s lap, a hand went around his ankle and rubbed gently while another opened the book and Edwin started to read.
Perhaps they didn't need to define their relationship just yet; perhaps feeling it was enough for them.