Work Text:
Dear Applejack,
How long has it been since we last spoke? Our final memory together being one of anger, frustration, yearning and a deep-seated sadness for what we both knew was over. How could I be so dense and ignorant of the truth that stood so obvious in my face and larger than life?
Do you remember when we first met during freshman orientation? Your beautiful, messy blonde hair caught my attention from a mile away. What I had misunderstood for an insatiable need to be your friend lured me towards you. More than anything, I wanted to brush the out-of-place strands away from your face behind your ears so I could see your striking green eyes better. I have written and erased, typed and deleted, thought and forgotten what I wanted to tell you since we last saw each other. Since we last spoke.
I don't know what it is you're up to. I wonder if you did pursue your business degree or if the burden of the family farm strained your back so hard that you gave up on your dreams. I remember how back then you would relay that desire to further your education and build yourself up from the ground up but you felt trapped in the family business as an obligation placed on you the second you were born. I got accepted into fashion school, graduated two years ago and I'm currently interning at a certain magazine I would rant hours to you about. I know you never really cared for Vogue and Fashion. At least not the concepts, you cared for me. You cared because I cared. How could I be so ignorant and selfish?
I don't mean or want to brag, it's not my intention, I just wanted to update you on my life. My life without you in it. I wonder how different it would be if we even talked at the very least. Would it be vastly different or the same as it has been since then? I can't help but imagine it's probably happier and more fulfilling. No matter how many achievements I gain in my professional life I still feel an apple-shaped hole in my heart.
Everyone here is so snobby and pretentious. Their characters foils to your innate realness and proud sense of self. Applejack. I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry. I wish I never said anything. I take back everything. I didn't understand what I felt until you were long gone from my life. I spent months hating you- wrongfully and seriously believing I was in the right and you were wrong. How could I be so stupid and careless about how you felt? Even of my own feelings as well??
An argument about something so insignificant in retrospect has turned my entire life on its head. Not one day passes that I don't regret yelling and screaming about something as stupid as your prom date. Did it really matter? The world didn't end. At least yours didn't. It was as obvious as day to anyone with eyes that I was jealous. I don't know why that feeling translated to a laughable mask of disgust. I didn't think you taking a girl to prom was “gross” I just wish you had asked ME instead. Even now I can accept that I would have never admitted that, much less understood it myself. I wasn't in touch with these types of feelings at the time. What teenager has a full grasp of any of that honestly?
I'm not excusing my actions, I'm just asking you for understanding. Not that I expect forgiveness either. I just want you to know that I loved you back then and despite not having any form of contact with you all these years I haven't felt that way about anybody since. Trust me, I've tried dating apps, I've attempted to blind dating and even did the good old going to bars in skimpy clothes. It's not a matter of sexuality or lack thereof. I just haven't fully recovered from how we left off.
You don't have to respond to this, it would be a gift if you did but it's fine, I have fully accepted that we may never have actual correspondence again. I just wanted closure to maybe finally move on.
Yours forever,
Rarity