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Dean stared down at the tiny, black box in his hands, wandering how something so small could mean so much. The damn thing was near weightless, after all. So simple, so pure.
Was it enough?
He cleared his throat, kneeling down with practice to address the only photo of Cas he owned. It was a capture from years back, something Sammy had taken without Dean realizing. The colour was orange and faded in places, but the picture was clear enough; him and Cas, backs to the camera, just watching the sun set beyond the horizon.
"Hey, Cas." After talking to the same photo twice in the past hour, he didn't feel that stupid anymore "It's Dean. But, uh… you already knew that."
Damn it.
His hands were sweating like a bitch, he realized; he was so goddamn nervous. It felt like there was this weird, sticky paste clogging his throat, preventing him from swallowing properly. He couldn't breathe, for Christ's sake!
He rubbed his clammy palms on the backs of his legs, exhaling a shaky breath "Okay, okay. I'm good, Cas. Don't worry 'bout me."
Man, that was creepy.
"Stop thinking! Shit. Just… just tell him how it is. Say whatever comes to mind!"
He stared at the photo. Even through the back of Cas' shadowy head, he could practically feel the soft curve of a smile warming the angel's face. The thought relaxed him slightly.
"Right," He dropped his head to his knee, breathing in deep to calm the tight bundle of nerves writhing in his stomach "I'm just… I'm just gonna wing it, okay? You know me, Cas. Always making it up as I go along."
He paused; Cas would maybe chuckle at that part, he imagined.
"Anyway. The thing is… you and me? We've only been together for, what? A couple of months?" It was probably more like a month and a half, but he was nervous and the minor details weren't really concerning him right now "But, I mean… we've really been together for years."
He thought back to their first meeting in that barn. The lights had popped, the doors flung open; it was all very dramatic and Dean never failed to tease the angel about 'making an entrance'. He remembered solemn, blue eyes searching his face. The askew, navy tie and bullet-pierced trenchcoat.
His chest swelled with a strange kind of fondness for the olden days, even if they were on the brink of Armageddon.
"Okay, so… maybe you were a bit of dick back in the day, but… but I guess I changed you, right? Some John Green crap like that?"
'I don't understand that reference.' Cas would say. The thought made him chuckle.
"Just some angst-fuelled teenage love guru, Cas." He grinned, for the moment forgetting he was actually alone in the room "S'not important."
The corners of the picture creased under his tight grip. He grimaced, settling the photo safely back on the nightstand. Why did he always seem to break everything he touched?
"Nope! Nuh uh, Dean." He chastised himself with a forceful shake of his head "Less of the self-pity parade, alright? That ain't you anymore."
And it really wasn't. In the past, he'd hated himself, always balancing the weight of blame on his own shoulders, save the people he loved from suffering such a burden. But now? Damn… He couldn't remember the last time he'd reached for a bottle of whiskey to numb the pain. There was no need for that sort of thing, not with Cas around.
He grinned, thinking back to that day. Sammy had still been hauled up in bed, resting a broken foot and a consistent headache after his second run-in with Lucifer. For a long time, Dean had been pissed – pissed that Cas had said yes, pissed that the angel had indirectly gotten his brother possessed yet again, pissed that Amara's death had left him feeling strangely empty for days after the big boss fight.
But, mostly pissed that Cas had fallen for that 'expendable' bullshit' in the first place.
It stung like a sonofabitch, knowing that his best friend thought so little of himself – presumed that they thought so little of him, too. He somehow felt betrayed, like Cas not understanding that, besides Sammy, he was Dean's frickin' everything was almost sinful in a way.
But after bidding goodnight to his recuperating brother and finding himself alone, yet again, at 8pm on a Friday evening, the relief at seeing Cas – his angel – sat at the table in the bunker had been overwhelming.
"Dean," Cas had started, looking much older and lost than he'd ever seen him before "I'm sorry."
The memory of Cas' trembling hands and sunken eyes pinched at Dean's heart. The guy had looked pale and desperate, half drowning in that stupid trenchcoat of his. He smiled to himself; it really was a miracle how that ratty coat had lasted this long.
"For what?"
"For everything."
It was so simple, honest, easy; how they ended up in each other's arms that night, drinking everything in. Their touches had been hot and frenzied, neither one of them wanting to part ways without memorising every little detail first.
Waking up together had been a surprise, as if they'd mutually accepted that this thing would be a onetime deal only. But then it just sort of… grew – blossomed into something wonderful and scary and perfect.
He cleared his throat, snapping back into reality when his knees began to ache "You said you were sorry," He shrugged "Sorry for everything? Well, shit… I'm not. Really, Cas. I'm not sorry."
He couldn't quite look at the photo on the nightstand for this next part, instead opting to focus his attention on the box in his hands. It was much easier, he realized, proposing to an inanimate object. Not that the photo was alive or anything, but still.
"Saying yes was a bad call, alright? I think we've established that. But… Hey! Do you remember when Kevin died?" He winced; of course Cas would remember that "Well, do you remember what you said to me? About being stupid for the right reasons?"
"You were stupid for the right reasons."
"Yeah, like that matters."
"It does. Sometimes that's all that matters…"
Like every memory involving Cas, that moment was still vivid in his mind "You were trying to save the world, Cas. Me, Sammy, the angels… You were just trying to put things right, to make up for all the dumb crap you've done in the past!"
Nice, Dean. Real smooth.
"N-Not that I'm saying you – That's not what I meant, I – You were just… Goddamit."
He leaned forward, placing the box on the nightstand beside the photo with an audible clunk. If he couldn't get through this damn proposal without Cas in the room, how the hell was he supposed to last five minutes with those blue eyes boring into his soul?
"Let's the cut the crap, okay?" He folded his hands comfortably on his knees "I ain't one for talking about my feelings, Cas. You know that better than most people. But this is how it is:" He breathed in deep, steeling himself for the three little words he hadn't dared utter in the angel's presence yet "I love you."
Now that it was out there, Dean felt a hundred pounds lighter.
"We've… sorted out a couple of things. I know that. I-I let you hold my hand and stuff now. Oh, and the kissing. That's nice… uh, good. You're a natural kisser, man."
Stay on track, Dean!
"But! But that's not why I… you know… feel the way I do about you. About us."
He spared a glance at the photo, box sitting proudly beside it. Hopefully, by the end of the night, the two would be a package deal.
"After the Darkness and Lucifer… I was angry, Cas. Really fucking angry." He sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration; these words sounded much better in this head "But when I saw you sitting on the table, you looked so, I dunno… lost? Ashamed? That's kinda like a primary aspect of my personality, so it wasn't hard to spot."
That was stupid. Cas would call him out on that, lecture him on self-depreciation again.
"But this ain't about me! I… That night? You let me in. I let you in. We just… worked, ya know? Like it was always supposed to be that way, from the moment you dragged me from the pit. Maybe even before then.
"You were broken, thought you were worthless to me and Sammy. But that was a bunch of bull, alright? You thought that if you… well, you know. You thought that I wouldn't give a damn? Wouldn't care? A-And I know we've already been through this. I know you still blame yourself. But… but this is the part where I come completely clean, yeah? This is meant to be like a, uh… time-lapse of our relationship, right?"
He winced; 'relationship' sounded way too formal for his liking.
"And when I think about you – us – I… I don't think about the bad crap, Cas. I mean, it crosses my mind from time to time, but that's not what matters. I dunno, I… I think about everything you gave up for me. How you looked at me on the highway, after saving my ass from Zachariah? A-And about how you're always… there, when I need you. Stuff like that.
I mean, don't get me wrong! You can be a stubborn sonofabitch when you want to be. Your taste in music, movies – especially cars – is, well… pretty damn awful, man. But I don't care about that. I don't – Where am I going with this?"
Tell him why you love him, idiot.
"Oh, yeah! Uh… You – Cas – you, uh… You make me feel almost good about myself, ya know? I mean, I'm not about to go join my adoring fangirls on the 'pro-Dean bandwagon' or anything, but… yeah. I don't feel like so much of a monster with you around."
He was blabbering. He'd completely gone off on a tangent, for Pete's sake!
"Time to wrap this thing up," He sighed "So, Cas… fancy becoming a Winchester?"
Oh, damn. Now wasn't that romantic? Simple. To the point. Succinct. Cas was totally gonna fall at his knees with a question like that.
"I am so screwed."
"I rather liked it, actually."
The sound of another voice piercing the quiet of the room made him jump. He twisted around from his position on the floor, staring face to face with the very man he'd just been practice proposing to. He could feel his cheeks flaming up instantly.
"Shit! Cas, I –"
"If the offer still stands," The angel came to kneel by his side, warm hand touching his left shoulder affectionately "I would very much like to become a Winchester, yes."
Dean choked on nothing, eyes bugging out like some wildish cartoon "You –? How long have you –?"
"Long enough," He smiled softly "And I can safely say that I am familiar with John Green. He's a popular American author of young adult fiction. His works include 'The Fault in Our Stars', 'Paper Towns', –"
"So not relevant, Cas." Dean interrupted, though the grin splitting his face in two hardly gave his words any weight.
"My apologies."
"Are you really accepting my proposal, Cas?"
"Do you really love me, Dean?"
He cupped the angel's face, fingers shaking slightly as he swept a thumb across Cas' cheekbone "You bet your sweet ass I do."
"Then, yes." He nosed at the collar of Dean's shirt, the lingering scent of gasoline probably tickling his nostrils "I will marry you, Dean."
Dean didn't know what to say. It wasn't supposed to go like this; he was supposed to make dinner, strengthen his speech a little. His husband-to-be (damn, that was scary) wasn't supposed to walk in on him proposing to a picture, like some creepy ass nutjob!
But Cas had said yes, which was definitely a plus. Like, a huge plus. So, instead he just said the first thing that popped into his mind.
"Awesome."
Cas smiled fondly at his fiancé (okay, that was still scary) "Is that for me?"
Dean followed his gaze, eyes latching onto the black box beside the photo. He jumped a little, completely forgetting that he had a ring and everything.
"Yeah!" His knees clicked a little as he leapt to his feet (old age, ya know) to grab the box "This is for you. It's, uh… it's human tradition."
The amused twinkled in Cas' eyes suggested that he already knew that "Aren't you supposed to get down on one knee, then?"
A nervous blush stained Dean's cheeks "Uh, yeah…" He mumbled "Yeah, just… ah…"
"Dean," The angel's hand had slipped down to his forearm, squeezing gently in a soothing manner "Calm down."
"I –"
"It's just me, Dean. You don't have to impress."
"But I do," He breathed, acutely aware of the hitch in his throat "This has to be perfect."
Cas smiled again, something soft and secretive that turned Dean's insides to goo "It will be. No matter what."
"But –"
"This is all I've ever longed for," Cas admitted quietly, his eyes downcast in a bashful way "To be with you. And Sam. To be a Winchester…"
"You are," Dean shrugged helplessly "Us putting it on paper ain't gonna change anything. I'm seriously only doing this for the wedding cake."
Cas chuckled – something low and throaty and sexy as hell. Making Cas laugh would never not be the most rewarding thing on the planet.
"Don't you mean wedding pie, Dean?"
He blinked at the angel stupidly, heart stuttering in his chest.
Okay. This was it. This was the one he was gonna spend the rest of his life with, alright? His fate had been decided.
"I fucking love you right now."
Cas glanced aside, visibly flustered "Only right now?"
"Always. Forever."
So what if it was as cheesy as stuffed crust margarita?! Dean got a free pass when he was frickin' proposing, alright?
"Your ring!" He suddenly remembered, thrusting the small jewellery box out in front of him.
Cas pulled back, startled, but smiling still "Dean, I –"
"I-I'll open it." He swallowed thickly. That was part of the tradition as well, right? "Ready?"
Cas nodded, his eyes wide and full of awe as he watched Dean pry the box open slowly.
The ring was a tiny sliver of silver against the black padding. He hadn't wanted to pick out anything too flamboyant; that wasn't Cas' style, he presumed. The only significant aspect of the ring, besides the C&D engraving on the inside, was the little blue jewel in the centre.
"Your grace," Dean waved at the jewel, noticing Cas' eyes fall on the tiny gem in wonder "I know your biggest fear is falling… losing your grace completely, ya know? I-I never really saw your grace, personally, but… but Anna's was blue, I remember that. And I figured all angels were the same, so… so, yeah. Now you won't have to worry about losing it again."
He snapped his mouth shut. Cas was staring at him, an unreadable expression on his face.
"It's stupid. You don't have to – I can get it changed, no problem. Just –"
"Dean," Cas pressed a finger to his lips with a laugh, looking so uncharacteristically happy that Dean had to bite down the urge to pounce on him "Please, be quiet."
"But –"
"I love it," He grinned, slipping the ring onto the right finger (much to Dean's surprise) with a sigh "I love you."
The words made his chest constrict with a thousand different emotions. That, and watching the delighted little smile on Cas' face as he studied the ring under the light. Suddenly, everything just seemed to make sense.
"You seem to be awful familiar with this whole 'proposal' malarkey, Cas."
He didn't miss the tinge of pink dusting the angel's cheeks at that statement. Cas dropped his hand over Dean's and shrugged, ducking his head to hide his blush.
"Well…"
"Had you already looked into this?"
The guilty look on his fiancé's face was answer enough. Cas had already considered proposing to him, the sneaky sonofabitch! The thought made him giddy, though he couldn't help but feel proud of the fact that he'd beaten him to it.
"Aren't we a pair?"
The worry drained from Cas' face instantly, relaxing into something warm and fond "We are."
"Dean and Castiel Winchester. Hunting husbands."
Dean snaked his arms around Cas' waist, pulling him in for a gentle kiss to the lips. He pulled back when he felt the angel grinning against his mouth, not wanting to miss the contented smile gracing his soon-to-be husband's face.
"Castiel Winchester," He tested the name out, eyes brimming with wonder at the foreign title "I like that, yes."
Dean chuckled lightly. It was true; Castiel Winchester just seemed right.
"Get used to, Cas. You're stuck with it for life."
The angel buried his head into Dean's shoulder, mouthing lightly at the bare expanse of skin his collar exposed.
"With pleasure."