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Restless movement, shaking and trembling coming from the other side of the bed woke MacCready up with a jolt. The frequency of these fits, or night terrors, had dwindled in the recent weeks, but when they did happen they still bothered him as much as the first time he was witness to it. He hadn't realized how haunted Jay was in his sleep, what with the casual bravado he normally carried himself with. But after the two had opened up and finally admitted their stupid repressed feelings for each other, he was seeing a new side of the man that others did not. He wasn't the invincible General of the Minutemen, not entirely anyways, but rather a damaged man lost in a land unfamiliar to him. How could anyone think a man who has seen what he has could come out unscathed?
MacCready was a light sleeper, always had been since his time protecting Little Lamplight, and almost always woke up the second Jay started having the nightmares. Like he had the other nights, he reached out and grabbed the other man's chest, pulling him back into his own. With his chest pressed to Jay's back, MacCready wrapped their hands together and started speaking softly into his ear.
""Hey buddy, it's okay." MacCready gripped Jay's hand tighter. "Whatever you're seein in that head of yours isn't real."
Jay's breathing slowed down with his words, matching the rate of MacCready's. When Jay let out a quiet sigh, MacCready knew the man was awake.
"Hey. You okay?"
The tension in Jay's shoulders softened and he moved his body underneath the covers to turn around and face MacCready. When MacCready was finally able to get a good look, he could see the dark circles under his eyes and a faint but fearful look behind them.
"It's okay you're not dreaming anymore. I'm real," MacCready said. He reached one of his hands up and held Jay's jaw in his hand, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the patch of stubble.
"It was the dream about the vault again." When Jay finally spoke, his voice was rough and scratchy.
MacCready was all too familiar with this dream of Jay's. It was a recreation of his awakening in Vault 111, watching his wife get murdered and his infant son stolen right in front of him. Trapped inside a glorified coffin, slamming his fists against the glass til they were raw.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," MacCready said, trying to force a smile. "Or, you know, we can. Whatever you need."
"It wasn't Nora this time," Jay said, his eyes distant as if looking straight through MacCready. "It was you. I watched them kill you." At those words, Jay finally made eye contact with MacCready, the two staring in mutual shock.
"Me?"
"Yeah. Shaun wasn't in the dream either. Honestly, I can't even say for sure that it was in the vault. All I know was that I watched them kill you while I couldn't do anything to stop it. I haven't been so fucking scared in a long time." Jay took a deep breath, his lungs catching up with his words. "When it was Nora, the nightmares bothered me, but deep down I knew she was already gone."
MacCready was silent, his words failing the situation.
"I can't lose you too, Mac. I don't think I'd survive the experience." This time, Jay was able to manage a sad smile.
It was all too much. These were things that Jay should have been able to tell Nora. Things MacCready should have been able to tell Lucy.
But maybe they could find redemption in telling them to each other now.
MacCready leaned in and kissed Jay, maybe a little too hard, but he needed Jay to know that everything between them was real, and strong, and not going anywhere if he had anything to say about it.
"It's a good thing I'm such a good shot then. Nobody is getting close enough to either of us to do any real damage, trust me." MacCready let his forehead rest against Jay's.
"Oh is that why you prefer sniping from so far away? Here I thought it had something to do with cowardice and a lack of real combat skills." Jay smiled, a big toothy grin.
Good, MacCready thought to himself, this is the Jay I know and love.
"Yeah sure, because it takes such talent to fire a shotgun at somethin from two feet away."
"Hey, watch it. That shotgun has saved your ass more times than you can count." Jay lightly punched MacCready in the arm. "Five-hundred caps says I can beat you at the shooting range later today."
"Deal." They both knew MacCready was the better shot, although Jay was definitely better in a fight up close, but he would never pass up on an opportunity to take a pile of caps from his boyfriend.
As if they didn't share their stash anyways.
The two men laid there silently for a few moments, just staring at each other, caught in a quiet bliss. The wasteland and all its problems could wait, because lying there together was far more important than anything it could throw at them. They had found safety in each other's arms, something most were not fortunate to have. Something to protect, and someone to trust. It had seemed all too easy for someone who deserved so much less, like MacCready.
But maybe, MacCready thought, they were always meant to find each other. They truly were two sides of the same coin. Both husbands who lost their wives too early on. Both with young sons they would do anything to save. Both felt alone in the world, like there was no one there to watch their back.
It made sense, in a way, that they would eventually come together. They were too similar, and early on they were the only people who could catch certain looks or mannerisms for what they really were. They saw sadness and loneliness when no one else could, because they saw it in themselves too. It let them be open about it, because they were both dealing with the same tragic past, so there was no misunderstanding when old feelings burst forth or nightmares invaded their sleep.
"What are you thinking about?" Jay asked.
"You. Lucy. Everything, and nothing, all at once."
"I know the feeling." Jay pulled MacCready even closer, tucking the smaller man's head underneath his chin. "We should get up soon. The others will talk."
"So? They can go to hell for all I care. Why would I ever want to get out of bed when I've got you in it like this?" MacCready lifted up the blanket, his eyes slowing taking in Jay's body. He raised a single eyebrow and grinned back up at Jay.
"Knock it off, it's fucking cold," Jay said, laughing as he pulled the covers back down around them.
"Alright fine, but I'm coming with you for your morning rounds with the Minutemen. I like watching you boss people around, makes me all tingly inside." MacCready laughed too, tucking his leg in between Jay's and rolling himself slightly on top of the other man. He kissed him, holding Jay down, despite MacCready's smaller stature. "And here I thought you loved me too much to leave me this early."
Suddenly serious, Jay reached up and cupped MacCready's cheek.
"I do, you know that right? Love you too much," Jay said. "I may still get plenty of nightmares, and I will always regret what happened to Nora but..." Jay paused.
"But I'll never regret finding you, or what we have now." MacCready finished the thought for him. "I know, me too Jay."
The two men embraced each other, holding tight. Not afraid to let go, but because they had found something worth holding on to.
They would get out of bed eventually, once Jay had found the willpower to push MacCready off of him, but they would spend the rest of the day walking the walls of the Castle hand in hand. And if they snuck off to the shooting range later for a bit of a competition, well, Preston could handle his daily tasks in his absence.