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"We haven't lost yet, right?"
Kageyama thinks to himself, staring at his ceiling fan while he hears echoes of those unforgettable words a certain tangerine-hair-colored middle schooler said so the day they had a volleyball match against their team. He knows very well how much he miss this boy. Maybe simple words such as 'miss' would have a lesser meaning compare to what he's feeling.
Kageyama has been like that for quite some time now. Ever since Shoyo left, he couldn't bare to touch— or even to look at a single volleyball ever again in his life. It reminded him all too well of the times Shoyo was still with him— the boy who taught him how to play a much more enjoyable volleyball.
"There's still so many things I have to tell you, Sho." Kageyama whispers, his eyes practically glued to a certain picture of them hanging on his bedroom wall. It was an image of them holding a volleyball together with their Karasuno Volleyball Club jackets back in high school. Hinata looked tiny standing next to Kageyama. Their height difference always made Kageyama satisfied because he could see what Hinata looked like from a high perspective, making him seem like a tiny ball of orange.
Kageyama had always thought of Hinata as an annoying the-little-giant-wanna-be. He viewed him as loud and energetic, a bit stupid sometimes, too. Yet one day, his perspective of him completely changed- realizing what he felt was not annoyance at all and maybe even a thing one could call "love."
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It was finally the day of the graduation ceremony for the third years. Kageyama and Hinata decided to go to the volleyball club gym one more time before they graduate. Chatting along the way and racing who arrives at the gym first like how they used to when both of them were still fifteen. They both took off their coats and Kageyama began to dribble the ball, serving it to Hinata when he perfectly received it properly, the ball not hitting Hinata's face like it used to. There's no doubt both of them improved when Karasuno placed third overall in the nation.
"It's just because I'm wearing my school uniform." Kageyama scoffs, claiming that Hinata received his serve just because of the uniforms.
"Well, what do you plan on doing after this?" Kageyama asks, knowing the answer will definitely be something about volleyball.
He was wrong, though.
"Actually, Kageyama, I don't think I will continue playing volleyball." Hinata says, his tone shifting from excitement to a more somber one. It was obvious he didn't want to quit, and Kageyama knew it from the back of his mind. He knew Hinata too well, there's absolutely no way someone like Shoyo would quit something he loves doing just like that.
"What are you saying? Are you joking?!" Kageyama refused to believe it. He didn't notice the volume of his voice was getting higher, like he was yelling at Hinata.
"I'm not, Kageyama. You know I wouldn't joke about something like this." Hinata claimed, his voice was calm yet it seemed like it was hiding a lot of fear at the same time. It was confusing Kageyama why Hinata would do such a thing.
They made a life-long promise together.
They promised they'd be the only one to beat each other.
They promised—
Kageyama furiously walked across the net, his eyes filled with confusion yet anger at the same time. It was weird. He didn't get this angry with Hinata before. It was different. Everything is.
He raised his hand, his fist was trembling before he punched Hinata on the face with a tremendous amount of force. Hinata's face was bruised, his lower lip was bleeding a bit. It wasn't long when Hinata fought back, just like when they first had a physical fight back when they were practicing in their first years, Hinata launched his whole body to push him back, his head hitting Kageyama's stomach. Hinata didn't stand a chance, though, just like back then when Kageyama grabbed him by his shirt and threw him on the floor, Hinata's back hitting the wall of the gym. Before Kageyama could land another punch on Hinata's face, he violently coughed up an unhealthy amount of blood.
"Hinata?" Kageyama spoke, stopping himself from getting violent again. He realized he had hurt Hinata too much. He didn't intend to harm him that much to the extent he coughs up blood. Kageyama's angry look turned into a worried one, rushing towards the exit of the gym.
Hinata coughs up more blood, making Kageyama panic and immediately run outside to call for help. Luckily, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi haven't left the school yet and was also planning to drop by the gym.
"Kageyama? What's wrong?" Yamaguchi asks, looking at Kageyama with a worried expression on his face. It was clear something serious was going on, otherwise Kageyama wouldn't barge and run all panicked and shouting for help.
"Hinata..! He's coughing up blood!" Kageyama informs both Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. Without another second, all three of them ran towards the gym where Hinata was. They arrived while Hinata managed to sit up, his hands and uniform had blood smudged all over, as well as the floor. Tsukishima took out his phone to call an ambulance while Yamaguchi took a water bottle to hand over to Hinata.
"Hinata, What the hell happened?! Please, hang in there, okay? " Yamaguchi says, making Hinata drink water.
"I'm alright, guys." Hinata calmly says, reassuring his three friends.
"What the hell do you mean you're alright, dumbass?! You're coughing blood! There's no way you're alright! We'll take you to the nearest hospital as soon as possible, you dumbass!" Kageyama yells, his eyes glistening with tears he's trying his best to not fall, his voice were all hoarse, giving it away.
"Weren't you the one who fought me, Bakageyama?" Hinata took a towel and rubbed the blood off of his hands.
"What?! You guys had a fight?!" Yamaguchi, stressed out, yells in a worry, gripping the water bottle rough and tightly.
"We'll talk about that later. For now, we have to bring Hinata to a hospital." Tsukishima says, pointing at the exit of the gym where the ambulance have arrived.
Hinata was rushed to the hospital, his hands still covered a bit by his own blood until a few nurses assisted him and took him to a more secluded room. Kageyama was worried and stayed at the same space as Hinata while they wait for his relatives to come. Worried he might have been the cause of all of this, Kageyama speaks. "I'm sorry, Sho." Where Hinata chuckled a bit. He didn't expect Kageyama to say sorry so bluntly about physically hurting him. He's usually not one to talk and apologize immediately, so it quite surprised Hinata.
"It wasn't your fault, Kags." Hinata reassures the black haired man sitting next to his bed, looking all stressed out and worried while staring at the tangerine boy in his hospital gown.
"Actually, it's about something I wanted to tell you earlier, but you punched me halfway before I could finish it." Hinata looks away and somehow, the usual bright and cheerful Hinata was wearing out a bit; Kageyama could sense it. Hinata's eyes weren't like it used to. It wasn't as sparkly as before. He noticed it for a while now, even. Kageyama noticed Hinata's not his usual self this past few weeks before graduation. It was like something was bothering him. He didn't dare to ask, though, as he thought it might be an intrusion of Hinata's privacy.
"I was diagnosed with stage 3 leukemia."
Hinata's voice echoed, although the room was completely furnished. Maybe Kageyama just heard the echoes in his head. Maybe Kageyama just had not know what to hear. Maybe Kageyama didn't expect it at all. Or maybe...
Innumerable thoughts came across Kageyama's mind after he heard what Hinata just said. He felt an ache in his heart he never felt before. It wasn't an ache that goes 'thump' like you're in love. It was more of an ache that goes 'dun' like your whole world collapsed before your eyes. Kageyama couldn't explain what he felt nor what to react to this information Hinata told. He's confused, mad, worried, wretched, everything.
"H..How did you find it out..?" Kageyama's voice were gloomy, his eyes shifting to avoid Hinata's face because if he does, he might not be able to hold it in any longer and burst out.
"A few days after we lost at nationals, I was experiencing pain. Back then, I thought it wasn't serious because I usually feel pain regularly, but not so much as that day. I felt pain in my stomach area. Like usual, I brushed it off and continued to bike my way to go home from Coach Ukai's store. But before I could return, I felt like the pain suddenly increased without a warning and I fell off my bike. Luckily, Natsu saw me and called an ambulance."
"Dumbass, why didn't you got it checked up when you kept on experiencing those pain in the first place?" Kageyama's fingers fiddled against each other, avoiding eye contact at all cost.
"I thought it was normal—"
Kageyama pulled Hinata close and embraced him tightly. It was the first time they hugged like this. They didn't even want to touch each other at all when they first met, yet now they embrace each other so openly. Hinata wraps his arms around Kageyama's body, hugging him in return. It felt nice. It felt soft. It felt like they both didn't want to let go of each other, because if they do, one would leave the other behind. Kageyama didn't want that. He doesn't want Hinata go first. He doesn't want Hinata to be in any sort of pain at all.
If he could free Hinata from this painful disease, he definitely would.
"Bakageyama.." Hinata mutters, his voice getting muffled a bit from the hug.
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A few months passed after the incident, Hinata was confined in a hospital, his condition was becoming worse faster than expected. His body wasn't as healthy like it used to. His arms turned slim, his muscles were fading away. The arms and hands he used to play the thing he loves the most, volleyball, was starting to disappear like thin air. A bit of his hair started to fall out from the chemotherapy he had been undergoing. His beautiful orange hair was beginning to fall out, Kageyama saw this. He saw how much it affected Hinata even though he always tries his best to hide his own feelings. Even though Hinata still smiles, Kageyama felt like it was off.
It wasn't like it used to.
Hinata's smile wasn't like it used to.
Kageyama knew this. He visited Hinata every single day. He never missed one. He knew Hinata could be lonely staying in his hospital room all day, alone.
"Oh." Hinata mumbles, holding his fallen out tangerine-colored hair between his fingertips. It wasn't fluffy and soft anymore like it used to. He rarely even showers now that he's in a hospital. Even if he did, more hair would fall out he'd probably come out of the shower without it, it'll make him feel worse.
"It's fine. It's just hair. It'll grow out soon when you recover, Sho." Kageyama stated, his soft voice was all Hinata could hear.
"So, did you decide what you'll do?" Hinata asks, resting his hand on his blanket, lips parched and pale.
"I'll play on the V-League soon."
"Really? Which one did you pick?" Hinata, excited, asks Kageyama cheerfully, atleast. His eyes had always sparkled when it comes to volleyball. Moreover when Kageyama mentions it. Although it might have not been the same as before, atleast Kageyama could be of help to slowly bring back that old spark in his eyes.
"Schweiden Adlers." Kageyama answers.
"I'm happy for you." Hinata smiles softly, his gaze was about to be of distance when he came back to his senses as soon as he heard his voice. He noticed it was softer than usual. Back then, he usually just screams and shouts at him with all his might and anger. It pained him a bit, but then he got used to it.
"Yeah." Kageyama smiles back, his gaze softened up.
"Tomorrow...will you accompany me to the garden?" Hinata, eyes locked onto Kageyama's, looking so desperate for him to accept his offer.
"Of course, I'll go with you. I promise." Kageyama holds Hinata's hands that are resting on his blanket, stroking it.
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The next day, Kageyama fulfilled his vow. He even arrived earlier than usual. Kageyama opens the door to Hinata's room where he could see him staring vaguely into the window.
"Are you ready to see the Sakuras blooming this year?" Kageyama says, reminding Hinata of their talk yesterday about going to the garden. It was finally spring, again. The season where they first step foot into nationals when they were still in Karasuno. Spring holds a lot of memories for them both. Their first shot to nationals, their wins and loses, it was mostly within this specific season. So, Kageyama sees it as an opportunity to tell Hinata everything. To tell him how much he cares for him. How much he loves him.
"Mhm.. Let's go, Tobio." Hinata says softly, looking into Kageyama's deep blue eyes with a smile.
Kageyama pushes Hinata's wheelchair to enter the elevator to go to the ground floor where the garden was. The garden had a glass window and a glass door, so the Sakura trees were also visible from the inside of the hospital. Kageyama opens the door and a gust of cold, spring wind welcomed the both of them outside. About four to five blooming Cherry Blossoms surrounded the whole garden, its petals slowly falling to the ground as wind blows.
"I almost forgot how beautiful these trees were." Hinata jokingly said to Kageyama.
"Dumbass." Kageyama continues to push the wheelchair heading closer to a bench underneath a Sakura tree. He placed Hinata's wheelchair next to him while he sits on the bench.
"It doesn't smell like hospitals here." Hinata looks around, eyes wondering through the garden.
"But we are in a hospital still?" Kageyama, confused, looked at Hinata curiously in the eyes.
"I can smell your scent more, not just the Sakuras." Hinata pouted, fidgeting his fingers across each other.
"Well... What do I smell like?" Kageyama shifts his attention to Hinata, taking out his hands in his pocket.
"Hmm...You smell more like meat buns and milk. While in my room, it just smelled like bitter medicines and needles."
"Pfft.. Needles? You can smell needles now?"
"You get the point, Bakageyama."
Hinata and Kageyama laughed. They laughed like they did before. Back when Hinata was healthy. Back when they were both still young and reckless teenagers. It was refreshing for Kageyama to see Hinata laugh again like before. He rarely laughs, or even smiles nowadays. He was happy and felt a sense of arete that Hinata got to smile and laugh again like that.
"Hey, Sho, I have something to tell you." Kageyama's tone of voice shifted, wind brushing against his face and his deep black hair.
"Remember when we had a fight after graduation?"
"Yeah. What about it?"
"Actually, I was supposed to tell you something that day."
Before saying anything, Kageyama stared into the sky, recollecting himself and his courage to finally say it to him. He's kept his hidden feelings for so long. So long it almost felt like a century, or even an eternity. That even the tiniest gestures of him would be enough to make his heart burst out of his chest.
"Y'know, when we first met, I thought you were really annoying."
"Rude."
Kageyama laughs. "I'm not done yet!" He smiles.
"But the more we spent time together, the more I felt like you weren't the annoying annoying type. Without realizing it, I started to see you as not so annoying anymore. And the longer we spend time together, the more I notice these feelings I have. Everytime there's a message from you on my phone, I smile ridiculously wide it hurts my jaw a bit. Your orange hair, your brown eyes, how tiny and adorable you are, and your stupidly high ass jump. " Kageyama paused, fiddling with his fingers yet again. He was nervous yet if he doesn't say it now, maybe he wouldn't get another chance like this to properly tell him what he feels about him. It's a now or never situation, and he's not willing to risk the thought of how if he doesn't say it now, Hinata would never know about it. Ever.
Kageyama looks into Hinata's curious brown eyes. It was like staring into the unknown fringes of the earth, making Kageyama flutter a bit. But it's not enough to make him stop. Though, it sure is enough to gain him courage and finally say it.
Kageyama reaches out to Hinata's hands and says, "Hinata, I know I don't express my feelings usually, but I don't think of you as a teammate anymore. All of those things I just said, I think it's cute. I think you're beautiful, you're handsome, you're talented, and attractive." Kageyama grips tighter onto Hinata's hands.
"Hinata, I'm in love with you."
Hinata's gloomy figure has suddenly had a sense of beaming emotions. Hinata felt nervous, anxious, happy, thrilled, over the moon, everything. At the same time, he felt a sense of relief. He thought he wouldn't know how Kageyama felt until his last breath. He was glad he got the courage to finally say it to him and for Hinata to hear it so delicately clear.
"Silly Bakageyama. I was waiting the entire time for you to finally say it." Hinata chuckles. "I love you too, idiot." Right after Kageyama heard it from Hinata, he quickly turns away and covers his face, making Hinata chuckle a bit.
"Haha! What are you doing?" Hinata reaches out his hand.
"Shut up! I'm just..."
"Aww are you shy?"
"Don't say a word!"
"Hahaha! You're definitely shy!" Hinata laughs again, looking fondly at Kageyama's red face.
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Kageyama, getting back to his senses in his lone apartment in Miyagi, felt his tears falling to his cheeks and later on his pillow.
"That's what should've happened.." He says, his voice trembling and hoarse.
"I should've said it before he left.." For a moment, it was quiet. So quiet you could hear the blood flowing inside your ears. So quiet it didn't feel peaceful, it actually felt more painful.
"I should've said it before he let out his last breath!" Kageyama shouts. He was red with sadness and regret with his face scrunched up, gripping onto his hair, sobbing and has fallen deep in the thought of the what ifs and the should'ves.
When suddenly, a knock on his door emerged through the small apartment. Who would've visited at this hour? Kageyama thought, wiping away his tears.
Kageyama walked towards his front door and opens it to see his senior, Sugawara, carrying food and snacks on both of his hands.
"Sup." Sugawara says, putting out a smile yet his grip to the plastic bags tighten as he do so. He noticed Kageyama's puffy eyes right away. Of course, it made Sugawara worried for this junior.
"Suga-san? What brings you here? At this hour, too."
"Huh? At this hour? It's only 6pm, idiot."
"Oh."
It seems that Kageyama has lost track of time after what happened.
"Can I come in?" Sugawara asks politely. He was always the one to visit Kageyama every now and then after Hinata's death. He knew about Kageyama's feelings and regrets after everything, too. Sugawara was like a brother to Kageyama more than his siblings and families himself. Infact, maybe his family didn't even know he was suffering this much from the death of the person he loves the most.
Kageyama opens the door widely as Sugawara heads inside his apartment. It was messy and dark. It was like a completely abandoned room no one would've guessed someone lived in it. Trash was everywhere and the dishes were left unwashed. It was a mess. Everything was.
"Anywhere to place these?" Sugawara asks, showing Kageyama the plastic bags from the convenience store nearby full of grocery and snacks. He knew Kageyama couldn't get off of bed himself.
"Just at the fridge. I'll eat them later." Kageyama, somber and gloomy, points at the uncleaned fridge.
"Is it even usable at this point?" Sugawara scoffs, trying to lift up Kageyama's mood a bit. But as expected, it didn't work.
Sugawara puts down the plastic bags on the table where it barely has any space to put down on to begin with from all of the trash that was all over the apartment. How is he able to live like this? Sugawara pondered.
"You know, if he's watching you right now, he would be very sad to see you like this." Sugawara, from a cheery tone earlier, has shifted to a more worried and serious expression on his face.
"It's been what? A year since he left, Kageyama. You know he would not like it if you act like this." Sugawara added as he turns to face Kageyama.
"I just... I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. Nobody did anything wrong. It's just that seeing you like this... I'm worried."
Tears fell from Kageyama's eyes yet again, but this time, it was not brought by sorrow or grief. It was because even though he had been through a lot and was not the same as before, a friend still cared for him and is worried about his future.
"I know how much you love playing volleyball and I know that Hinata wants you to continue doing what you love, too. So please, will you let us help you?"
"Us?" Kageyama mutters, confused.
"Us!" A synced voice appeared behind Kageyama. He turns around to see Daichi, Asahi, Nishinoya, Tanaka, and the rest of Karasuno was there to pay a visit.
"We're here to help!" Nishinoya says cheerfully, his small body but rather beaming with energy expression was what brought Kageyama into tears even more.
"I..I thought you were in Brazil, Noya-san?" Kageyama quickly wipes away his tears.
"I just got home last week!!!" Nishinoya runs to Kageyama to pat him in the back teasingly.
"I brought supplies!" Yachi shows off the trash bags, bleach, alcohol, brushes, and other supplies to finally clean Kageyama's apartment after a long time.
"You guys..." Kageyama couldn't help but sob and cry infront of the others. Sugawara quickly pulls him over and gives him a comforting hug, to which Kageyama embraced back and cried. Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and the others joined for a group hug to where Sugawara couldn't help but tear up a bit.
"Let's clean this quickly, okay?" Sugawara says, smiling trying to comfort Kageyama. Although he failed the first time to do so, this time, it was a success and made Kageyama smile slightly atleast.
"Thank you, everyone."
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Two years passed, Kageyama returned to playing volleyball and is now part of the Schweiden Adlers, just like he said to Hinata at the hospital. However, a certain player reminded him so much of Hinata. It was a player who was also invited in the national training camp back when they were in first year high school. This person had white hair and his eyes were like of a seagull's. He was also quite small for a spiker and his jumps were high and mighty, much of like the little giant to which Hinata was very fond of before. Kageyama reminded him so much of the said orange-haired guy. They had so much of a resemblance Kageyama once made a mistake and accidentally called him Sho.
In matches Kageyama participated in, he and that white-haired teammate, in most cases, were often called a duo. Yet again, Kageyama got reminded of the certain orange-haired boy. It hurts him sometimes when he and the white-haired guy was called a duo. It left him to think about "What if Hinata was still alive? Would we become famous as a duo, too?"
It's not like he dislikes the attention and praises he gets, but it still reminds him all too well of the boy.
Kageyama would've been happier if it was Hinata he was famous with as a duo, not with Hoshiumi.
Not long after, though, Kageyama asked Hoshiumi to be his lover. Only after six months, Hoshiumi decided to end their relationship because he noticed Kageyama was muttering Hinata's name in his sleep and probably only dated him because of the resemblance of Hinata he saw in Hoshiumi. Hoshiumi knew it, yet he took the risk and still agreed to become Kageyama's boyfriend, thinking that maybe, if they spend a lot of time together enough, he would fall for him and not think about Hinata at all. But he was wrong in the end and hurt the both of them instead.
Kageyama quit volleyball once again and left the Adlers team, leading to many fans' disappointment and hate.
Kageyama, once again, was left in deep sorrow.
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"Huh? Where am I?" Kageyama looked around where he appears to be trapped in a seemingly endless white place untill he turns around to see Karasuno High School's gym where they had their volleyball practice and training. It was also the place where he met Hinata the second time in his life.
"Why am I at Karasuno..?" Kageyama stands up, shaking off the dirt and dust on his clothes. He noticed he was wearing his club uniform, the Karasuno High School Volleyball Club jacket. His hands looked skinnier and his point of view looked a little lower like he shrunk down.
Kageyama caught sight of an orange-haired boy at the gym's entrance, he knew exactly who it was. Confused, Kageyama still didn't think yet another second and runs towards this said tangerine boy. He ran and ran until he got closer to this boy. Kageyama figured it must be another dream about him. But how come this dream feels so real?
"Sho!" He shouts, he couldn't help his voice as it trembles a bit, longing the sight of the love of his life once more, he reaches out his hand, to which this boy suddenly turned around.
"Tobio—" Without another word, Kageyama pulls Hinata in for an embrace, his tears finally falling freely. An embrace that Kageyama has waited for. An embrace he had long for for three years it almost felt like forever. He missed him so, so, so much. Kageyama caresses his hand on Hinata's soft orange-colored hair.
"You're here." Kageyama says, his voice muffled.
"I'm here."
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"A well known professional volleyball player, Kageyama Tobio, has been found dead in his apartment. Report says that he had died due to a cardiac arrest in his sleep while holding an image of his former teammate in high school, Hinata Shoyo, who had died from Leukemia three years ago."