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Tony’s ‘little side’ was something that had always been a part of him, even if he didn’t fully understand it at first. He’d gone through phases of indulging it and pushing it away, only ever allowing himself to explore it behind closed doors. There were times when he’d felt ashamed, but over the years he grew to accept it as just part of who he was.
That didn’t mean he ever told told anyone about it. Oh, god no. The only one who knew about it was JARVIS, and that’s only because JARVIS knows everything. He’d actually helped guide Tony in his research when he wanted to know more about his little side. But it was to stay between the two of them. Nobody could ever know that Tony was a little, and it was like that for years. Until somebody found out. Of course that somebody was Steve.
Tony had always been very young when in his headspace. He didn’t like to think too deeply about why that was, but he figured it had something to do with the fact that once he was a certain age, his father had really put the pressure on him. Any semblance of what should’ve been a happy childhood was crushed under Stark-level expectations, so though he couldn’t remember much of being a small child, something in his subconscious probably had his headspace gravitate to that age-range so he could play on what was really the only ‘happy’ part of his childhood. But he didn’t like to think too hard about that.
There was only so much that could be written off as ‘billionaire eccentricism’, and Tony had a feeling that the whole infantile thing was a few notches above that limit. He figured if it came down to it, he could try passing it off as having had ‘one too many’ but that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take in case that story didn’t sell. No, it was better to just not take any chances for once and only slip into his headspace when he knew he was safe from being found-out.
Tony could swear that once upon a time, you could be safe in your own home.
Between Avenging, having responsibilities to the company, and managing two hours of sleep at the most (on a good night), Tony took whatever little time he could get. So it totally figured that when he’d finally found time, the call to assemble went off, filling the workshop with a flashing red light. Had it been an hour earlier, there wouldn’t have been a problem. But no, he was so far gone into his headspace when that alert went off, and it ripped him right out of it. Well, mostly out of it. He took a moment to try to compose himself, to bring back the mind of the forty-five year old he was, and not the child he wished he was. He made quick work to shove the collection of colorful plastic toys and soft fleecy baby blankets as far into the utility closet as he could, like a metaphor for how he was shoving his headspace away too. He stripped out of the sweatpants and t-shirt he was wearing as an extra precaution, changing back into the jeans and layered shirts he’d left in a heap on the floor, throwing the ‘play clothes’ into the closet with everything else and shutting the door.
There was banging at the door of the workshop. Tony had JARVIS tint the glass door and windows whenever he was going into his headspace so no one could see in or out, and under no circumstance was anyone allowed inside. Because of the blacked-out glass, he couldn’t see who was on the other side of the door, but he could hear.
“Stark!” It was Steve.
Tony hit the switch to get the machinery that put him in the suit booted up. “Yeah?” He got into position and started suiting up.
“Are you coming? We should’ve been gone by now, we’re waiting on you.”
Tony sighed. “J?” JARVIS took the cue and unlocked the door, and Steve opened it. “Don’t get your spandex in a bunch, Cap, I’m almost there,” Tony said as the back of his helmet came up.
Steve’s focus was off to the side, behind Tony, and his eyes were narrowed like he was in thought. He blinked and looked back at Tony with furrowed eyebrows. “Well, uh, hurry, wheels up like five minutes ago.” He turned and walked away, not looking back.
Out of curiosity Tony looked to where Steve had been staring and it felt like his entire world shattered around him. There, sitting on one of his work tables, was a blue pacifier. It’d fallen on the floor when he was playing, so he’d set it aside to clean it. As his faceplate slid into place, he briefly considered the consequences of flying away from the tower and never coming back.
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The mission really could’ve been handled by anyone else, the police probably could’ve done it by themselves. There’d been a lab-incident at a local college. The science students were experimenting and managed to somehow create a few dozen tiny...things, they kinda looked like a cross between a guinea pig and a lizard, maybe? Whatever they were ended up being more of a pest than a threat, so it didn’t take long for the team to take care of them. As soon as the last creature was wrangled, Tony was out of there, not even sticking around long enough for debriefing. He was back at the tower and locked away in his workshop in record timing.
Tony sunk into a chair at his table. It was scattered with tools, papers, and pieces from a dozen different projects, but what stood out was that damn pacifier. Tony groaned and smacked it off the table, and put his head down.
“Sir, are you alright?” JARVIS asked.
Without raising his head, Tony answered, “You saw what happened, there’s nothing ‘alright’ about any of it.”
“Sir-”
“Please. Just, let me sulk in peace.”
“If you insist, but I thought you would like to know that the others have returned to the tower.”
“Awesome,” Tony said sarcastically. “Can’t wait to not go and show my face in front of them.”
“Sir, I think you should talk to Steve. My scanners indicated that when he was here earlier, he was mainly feeling confusion, not any anger or disgust. It might be helpful to discuss this matter with somebody.”
“Wow, you know, I had no idea that I created you to be a therapist.”
“I was merely making a suggestion.”
Tony sighed, “Yeah and I appreciate your suggestion, but you know as well as I do that I can’t do that. I just, I can’t do that.” There was a whirring sound behind him, and he turned to see Dum-E holding his arm out to him, and he was holding Tony’s pacifier in his claw. Dum-E dropped the soother into Tony’s hand. “You too, huh?” He muttered.
Now it seemed that it was two-against-one, and Tony was on the losing side.
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If anything, Tony Stark had guts. Guts, and not nearly as much shame as a person should really have. After a week of keeping himself hidden away from the rest of the team, he thought he was finally ready to come clean. He had JARVIS ask Steve to come to the workshop. He sat at his table, absently fiddling with the pacifier that had gotten him into this whole mess in the first place, and he wondered how he could get himself out of this. Before Tony could even weigh his options for escape, Steve was walking through the workshop door. He quickly closed his fist around the pacifier and stood.
“Stark,” Steve said by way of greeting.
“Cap,” Tony said back. “Thanks for coming down here.”
“No problem, JARVIS said you had something you wanted to show me?”
“Yeah. Well, kinda.” Tony took a deep breath. “I, uh, I think I owe you an explanation.” Steve’s face pulled a confused look, and Tony held open his hand.
“Oh, that.” Steve’s eyes fell to the floor. “I take it this means it’s yours then?”
Tony nodded. “Unfortunately, yes. It’s mine. So go ahead.”
“Go ahead and what?”
“Go ahead and say whatever you’re thinking- that I’m disgusting, I’m messed up, whatever’s on your mind.” Tony closed his eyes like he was bracing himself for the impact of Steve’s words.
“I’m not thinking anything like that.”
Tony’s eyes shot open. “What?”
“Look Stark, you do a lot of things that I don’t understand. But I think you always have a good reason for everything, and I don’t think it’s my place to question.”
“You really are too good, a real golden boy,” Tony muttered under his breath. “So you didn’t tell anyone else about it?”
Steve shook his head. “What’s there to tell?”
Tony ducked his head and shrugged. “I don’t know, but thank you.”
Steve nodded. “If you ever need to talk though,” his voice trailed off, but the invitation he was offering was clear in his tone. Steve and Tony didn’t always get along, but there was a sort of unspoken rule that teammates look out for each other, and nobody was an exception. Tony never really opened up about his private life, and Steve understood that whatever this was must’ve been something important for Tony to even consider talking about it, and talking with him of all people.
“You got time now?” Tony’s voice had a softer tone to it, one that Steve had never heard coming from him.
“I think I can swing it.”
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“So after I got back from Afghanistan,” Tony said hesitantly. He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “I just…”
“You needed it more?” Steve supplied, and Tony nodded. “That makes sense. You needed to cope.”
“Yeah, I guess so. I just wish it came in a different way.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s so many other ways to get through things, and this just has to be what I’m drawn to.”
Steve crossed his arms. “Well this seems like a pretty good way, you could do a lot worse.”
“But I could do a lot better.”
“Like what? Are you telling me you’d be willing to go to therapy like the rest of the team? Or do you have other means of coping?” Tony cast his gaze to the floor. “Can I ask you something, Tony?”
Tony looked up at him, and said in a quiet voice, “Shoot.”
Steve spoke slowly and carefully, “After New York, was it like when you came home?”
“Yeah. There’s just something about the whole thing, being able to not be me , even for just a little bit, it makes me feel okay again. And it’s weird, and messed up, and I know I need to stop but I-”
“ Tony .” Steve’s voice was stern, but he maintained a tone that meant that he cared, it was a voice that Tony figured only Captain America could manage. “ There’s nothing wrong with you for needing this . And if this is what you need to cope with everything that’s happened, I want to help you. I won’t force myself into your world if you don’t want me there, but if I can help, I will. You deserve to have someone with you.” Tony’s mouth had been open up until that last sentence; he’d been waiting to pose his argument but Steve’s words had stopped him in his tracks, and he was left just staring at Steve, trying to find a tell. There had to be something, Steve had to be lying. He couldn’t really want this .
“You don’t even know what you’d be getting yourself into. You don’t want that.” Tony crossed his arms, looking away. Tony would never admit it to himself, he probably didn’t even realize it, but deep down he really did want someone to be a part of this with him. He’d read about it, how some people like him had someone to take care of them when they were little, and he craved it. To have someone love him and take care of him the way he should’ve been all those years ago.
“You know, a lot of people think you’re selfish, but you’re actually one of the most giving-people I’ve met.” Steve said thoughtfully.
Tony stared at him blankly. “Alright, you’ve officially lost me. What’s your point?”
“You let the team live in your tower rent-free, you design and make our weapons and gadgets, you’re always making donations to charities and speaking at colleges; but I think you’re only ever selfish when it comes to yourself. So maybe I don’t know the full story of what you do in your spare time, but I do know that you should let someone help you , instead of you just always helping everyone else.”
“You drive a hard bargain, Rogers,” Tony said, shaking his head awe. “Look, I appreciate that you wanna help me, I really do. But nobody’s ever had any part of this with me, nobody even knew about it until now. So forgive me for not wanting to jump into this idea head-first.”
“I’m not asking you to do that. I just think you should consider it.” Steve shrugged. He carefully picked up Tony’s pacifier from the table and held it out to him. Tony put his hand out and Steve pressed it into his palm and guided Tony’s fingers to close around it.
Tony took a deep breath. “Alright.”
“‘Alright’, you’ll think about it?”
“‘Alright’, I’ve thought about it. So, alright. Let’s do it.” Tony said nonchalantly, but inside he was a nervous wreck.
Steve blinked and tilted his head in confusion. “Really?”
“What, already change your mind?”
“No, of course not. I just wasn’t expecting to hear you say that, honestly.”
“Yeah well I guess I’m just full of surprises. I thought you would’ve figured that much out after this conversation alone.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “Oh believe me, I figured that out a long time ago. But I’m glad you’re giving the idea a shot.”
“Well first, we’ve got a lot more to discuss before we give anything a shot,” Tony said.
“Of course,” Steve nodded. “Do you wanna talk about it now, or-”
“Are you kidding me? All I wanna do right now is open my liquor cabinet and think about what I just got myself into.”