Chapter Text
The couch he was sitting on was really uncomfortable.
Not to mention full of other celebrity guests.
Still, Gen kept a small smile on his face, laughing at the appropriate times and waiting to snide funny comments, trying to look as comfortable as he wanted to feel right now.
It was the pre-recording for the fourth Thursday of November.
Thanksgiving, he vaguely remembered before he came on the late-night talk show.
Apparently, due to that fact, the entire evening was based on what they were all thankful for.
If he were honest with himself, Gen hadn’t thought about thankfulness too much in the last few weeks.
He was busy, too busy.
Since his successful return to show business three years ago, it had been a stressful task to return to his old, performing self.
But it was like riding a bike, like an old glove, he got right back into it and felt comfortable and nostalgic. Nothing changed. Even if he expected it to change.
And he learned to love it all over again.
It was all he ever wanted to do, even back then with his old manager, he still loved performing, even if it felt more like a chore than his passion.
“So, Gen, most loved magician, crowd shocker, mentalist genius, what is the thing or who is the person you are most grateful for?” the host asked.
If Gen was being totally honest, he forgot which person was sitting opposite of him. He forgot which show he was on, though, he was about 60% sure it was a Jimmy… Most of them were called that anyway.
Now that he thought about it, he was grateful for his new manager, Nikki, he was grateful for his loyal fans respecting his need for a break and anticipating his return.
In the last few years, a lot of things changed.
When he got home that night, he called up his manager and fired him on the spot.
Then the following year he spent in rehab, focussing on his mental health and living off of the money his career gave him.
He traveled around the world for over a year and met new people, learned new cultures, spent time helping those in need, and sold his old equipment.
It was equipment that just reminded him of his past, and he had long let that old him go. He was not the same Asagiri Gen as back then. Alone from the few items he sold, he made millions. His fans and fellow magic enthusiasts must have loved the first sign of life from him in over two years.
When he announced that he was selling a few of his items his fans were devastated, thinking he was finally quitting. That following day he announced that he was still only taking a break, but that his old career was not on his level anymore. In the years he only had his skills to rely on.
The cards in his hands, the audience to shock, the reading of the faces in front of him, the smallest of micro expressions, the props up his sleeves.
It was all that was familiar to him. It was all he could rely on.
During his travels, he met many other magicians, mentalists, and performers. He learned new tricks, in exchange for some of his old secrets. It changed him and made him who he is today. A better mentalist. A better performer. A better person to look up to.
He didn’t keep the money from the auctions though, he donated the money to those in need and to impressive street performers that he thought deserved it.
“I’ll be honest, I haven’t thought about gratefulness in a while. Everyone else would probably say that they are most thankful to their fans… and I am. I truly am. I know everyone says it, but I truly have the best fans” he sighed with a slight smile.
“I appreciate them and am so incredibly thankful for every one of them. They stayed throughout my break and were right there when I had my second debut.” he took a short break, just breathing.
The room was shockingly silent, there was not a single noise in the entire recording studio, and everyone was practically hanging off the words from his lips.
“Some would say they were most grateful to their managers. And I will 100% agree. Nikki, my manager, is absolutely amazing and truly cares about my health, be it mental or physical. She is honest with me and sometimes a bit harsh, but she knows me best and I really am thankful for her in ways that no one would be able to understand,” he looked down at the table and composed himself to speak the truth.
“But I think the person I am most grateful to is a stranger I met on a bridge”
The room was filled with dead silence.
“You see… before I announced my break, my mental health was at an all-time low… I was miserable, stressed, and not in any way capable of taking care of myself. I was spiraling and going completely insane. Performing felt like a chore more than what I love to do and it didn’t give me the same feeling as it did back when I first started. I wasn’t excited about anything, not any shows, any new book releases, or any of my successes.” he tried to keep his voice steady and calm, but even years later he was still not over the painful feelings of the past.
When he looked through the room and at his fellow celebrities on the couch, it was not a rare sight to see tear-filled eyes or tears leaking from their eyes.
“One day I went on a stroll and ended up on this bridge in my hometown, I stood there and realized that when I left home I had no intention to walk back again…” he heard not just a few gasps throughout the room and he already knew that this reveal would cause a commotion throughout his fanbase, “I didn’t lock my doors, left my phone, and left everything behind… I didn’t want to go back to my old life… and while I was crossing the bridge, I made a deal with myself. If I met someone on this bridge, with the same intentions as me, I would go home and start again. I’d quit my old management company and start a new life. I thought my chances were pretty slim…
“I remember it was really late in the night and the sky looked beautiful, and then I met him. Another person with the same intentions as me… He was my age and we started talking. We went to his home that night, ate some bad food, and got totally wasted… Even if he didn’t know it… he saved my life that day” he sighed, finally finding it in him to look up.
“Wow… I’m so sorry this happened to you” a fellow celebrity said.
“I just want to say, watchers, if you ever find yourself in a similar position as me years ago, please, don’t give up. There are people who want to help you and will give you every chance you need, they will be patient with you and hear you out, and they will care for you even if you can’t manage that for yourself.” Gen said, looking directly into the camera, thinking of Nikki and Senkuu “Please, don’t let yourself spiral like I did, and if you are there right now, it is never too late to turn back around. You don’t need anyone to turn it for you, you might just need a push like I did… So please, see this as your push to a better future. There is no need for anyone to live in pain”
The host agreed with him and spoke another few words until a celebrity asked Gen a question.
“Gen, do you know what this person is up to now?”
“He died… Not long after I left that morning. To this day, I try to visit his grave as often as possible.”
So even though he unintentionally saved Gen that night, Gen couldn’t do the same, he still jumped a month later.
“He had no family, his father had died not long before he started to spiral, he only had two close friends… I still try to contact them as often as my job allows it.”
Now that he mentioned it, he really should contact them again.
“His name was Ishigami Senkuu. He was the smartest person I ever met, he was going to be a scientist, the best out there, no doubt. He helped me find excitement in life again, even if he never planned it. He helped me in more ways than you can imagine”
Someone was holding out a box of tissues to him.
All of a sudden he noticed his blurry vision, the tears leaking from his eyes, and the tremble in his voice.
“Thank you,” he muttered. “It appears I still am not quite over it” he laughed awkwardly, not looking anyone in the face, not wanting to see the pitying eyes that he was used to.
The rest of the show went by in a blur. Gen managed to continue going on, even laughing again by the end of the night.
As soon as the cameras were shut off and the crew announced that they had everything for the show, they bid farewell to another.
After that recording many fans came up to him and told him how moved they were by his words, how they were going to better themselves, and how they would try to live life to its fullest.
He was glad that he could at least help some people out there, even if it wasn’t him.
Immediately after the last fan left, his manager came up to him and enveloped him in a tight hug that almost crushed his entire body.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Not really, I’m just tired and want to go home” he sighed.
“I will order you some food to eat… Eat it whenever you want, but don’t forget the picture” She smiled softly, or at least as softly as she could manage.
Ever since Nikki found out he used to not eat three meals a day and tended to go days without properly eating, she made him eat food and made him send her proof.
To some, it might seem controlling, but he knew she meant well. She wanted him healthy, just like he wanted to better himself.
Gen was glad to finally have someone who was looking out for him, to help him, and who understood him with a single glance to his face.
“I’ll drop you off at your place,” she said as they got into the car and started the engine.
Hours after the shoot was over he finally slumped against the door of his flat, tired to the bone.
Tears yet again started leaking from his eyes, but he had long given up on wiping them away. He just let them roll down his face, fall off his body, and drip onto the hardwood floor.
He tore off the suit they made him wear and put on a comfortable pair of shorts and an oversized shirt that used to belong to Senkuu.
After he had died, Senkuu’s best friend, Oki Taiju, called him and delivered the news to him. Gen immediately ran out the door to Senkuu’s apartment. A way he was surprised to even remember.
Taiju said on the phone that he was there with his girlfriend and that they were looking through his stuff and found a note dedicated to Gen.
Barely ten minutes later he burst through the doors of Senkuu’s apartment, finding Taiju and Yuzuriha kneeling in front of a box stuffed with countless things.
Gen was red from running all the way and had tears running down his face.
It was undoubtedly one of the worst days of his life. A day that almost sent him down another spiral.
They had handed him the note with pitying eyes.
‘I want you to live’ was all that was written on that paper.
Now, years later, he still held onto that paper as if it were his most prized possession. Which might as well be as he had nothing else dedicated to him from the man who saved him. It was the last thing he wrote to him. In a way, his last words to Gen.
The three of them started talking and asked Gen how he knew Senkuu. He only told them that Senkuu had saved his life, not wanting to go into too much detail. When they smiled and looked so happy, he couldn’t find it in himself to explain the entire story.
Later that day, the two told him about Senkuu, often crying into each other's arms as they mourned the loss of their best friend.
At the thought of the pair, his heart started to ache.
With a quick check of his calendar, he realized that Nikki had canceled all of his meetings and interviews for the following two weeks.
Just a second later he got a message from her as if he chanted her name in front of a mirror three times at three am.
‘Do what you need to do’ was all the message read.
Shortly after he booked himself a flight back to Japan and packed a small suitcase with clothing, a few necessities, his laptop, and the keys to his flat in his hometown.
With the food that came just in time for him finishing packing he took off to the nearest airport.
In the taxi, he sent Nikki a quick ‘thank you’ text, not specifying if it was for giving him time off or for the food.
Shortly after, he sent the photo of the empty containers in the chat followed by a string of emojis as a reaction from his manager.
The airport was a mess, but he didn’t expect anything other than that from the Los Angeles Airport.
A child was crying on the plane, a woman loudly complaining to someone about her useless husband, a group of girls screaming excitedly about a girl's trip, and a man snoring loudly from the row in front of him.
However, it didn’t bother him too much as he pulled out his headphones and relaxed into his seat to fall asleep.
When he sunk down on the damp grass it was almost midnight in Japanese time. He had been traveling for almost fifteen hours and just wanted to pass out.
“Hey Senkuu, long time no see” he chucked sadly into the cold night air.
He looked down at the flower-filled grave. At the simple stone. At the words engraved on the granite of the Ishigami family grave.
“I hope you’re doing okay wherever you are… be it heaven, hell, or the afterlife, be it in the great endlessness of our universe, be it reincarnated into another world… I hope you’re doing alright.” he paused, “I’m not doing so good right now… I just got here from the US… we filmed a special for this talk show since it will be Thanksgiving when it’s aired and they asked me about the person I’m most grateful to, and I said your name… “
Sudden doubts fill his head.
“I don’t know if this was the right decision. I just wanted to bring awareness to these problems. I just want to help people the way I didn’t help you. I don’t want my fans to dig up your past. Is it selfish that I want to have all of my memories with you all to myself? I only had that night with you. Is it selfish that I never told anyone what you said to me that night? You saved my life without even meaning to… Senkuu-chan, I’m so sorry I left“ A dry sob left his throat, sounding about as pathetic as he felt, “I’m so sorry I left you and never reached out, I’m so sorry I abandoned you… I’m so sorry it took me so long to realize what you meant to me… How could I ever possibly formulate the feelings I have for you into any form of communication?”
A choked sob escaped from his lips, words unstoppably tumbling out of his mouth,
“Why did I have to fall in love with you after you already died? Why did I fall in love with your stories?” he cried into the grass and flowers of the grave that Yuzuriha had planted a while ago.
“Why did you go through with it? Why didn’t you call me? Why did you make me love you only to then leave me forever?”
Tears fell onto the gray stone in the dark night of a cold November night.
A loud sob escaped his lips.
“Why did I have to fall in love with the memory of you?”