Chapter Text
“No.” The word had come out of his mouth before Eggsy could even ask, and the look of disappointment on his omega’s face was almost enough to make him change his mind. Almost.
“Why not?” Eggsy’s asked petulantly, holding the little bundle closer. “You said before-“
“What I said before doesn’t matter,” Harry snapped, his fist smacking against the wood of his desk. “You don’t just go on a mission to Russia and come back with a baby.” The baby in question had started fussing in Eggsy’s arms, but seemed like he was too tired to work up to a full blown cry.
Eggsy’s face hardened and he held the baby closer to his chest. “I found him in th’ fuckin’ bin, ‘Arry. He… I couldn’t jus leave him there, could I?”
Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose to help fight off the desire to growl he felt rising up in his chest. He was not going to growl at his mate like some beast. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to growl at some helpless pup, no matter how unwelcome he was.
He could feel Eggsy’s eyes on him, watching, waiting to see what he would say. Because even now, even this, Eggsy knows that Harry has never really been able to tell him no. And he could feel his resolve crumbling even as he stood there. His omega wanted this. Eggsy wanted this. If it wasn’t this baby, it would be another. So why not, then?
He sighed and pulled his billfold out of his pocket. “He’ll need clothes of his own.” He held the wallet out and Eggsy took it, a small frown pulling at his eyebrows.
“All new stuff, then?”
Harry felt his jaw tick, and tried to control the tremors that had started in his hands. “Yes, Eggsy, all new stuff. Get whatever you want. I don’t care.” It was the wrong thing to say, he knew that before he had even opened his mouth. But he could only bring up a small twinge of guilt as he watched his husband’s jaw snap shut and nod stiffly. He knew he ought to say something. Apologize, go after him, talk about this like reasonable adults. But he just watched as Eggsy clutched the squirming child to his chest and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him with a sharp click.
Harry moved back behind his desk and collapsed into his chair. He felt like he was going to be sick and he could feel the tell-tale pressure building up behind his bad eye that promised a wonderful migraine. He should probably just go home, but the mountain of paperwork currently on his desk meant that he really shouldn’t. And Bors was due back from his mission in Somalia any minute and they would need to debrief.
The thoughts made his head throb painfully and he pressed a hand to the scar on his temple as he reached for his pain medication. Becoming Arthur was supposed to make his life easier. He couldn’t go out in the field anymore, but this way he could still help with the missions, keep all his fingers in the various Kingsman pies. But it just seemed to add another layer of complication to his life.
He leaned back in his chair as he waited for the medication to take effect. He thought back on his time as an active agent, strong, competent, alone. As much as he loved Eggsy, and he did love him, he couldn’t deny that his life had been easier before the omega had come into his life, smelling so sweet.
Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice as Merlin let himself into the office until his old friend was standing right in front of him.
“You’re going soft,” Merlin said with a smirk when Harry started at his presence.
“I’ve had a bit of a day, Merlin. And why does no one knock anymore?”
“I heard. And I did, that’s why it’s funny.” He didn’t particularly look like he thought it was funny, but Harry didn’t comment because his friend was already moving towards the liquor cabinet. Merlin poured them both a generous amount of scotch and sat down on the other side of the desk with a heavy sigh. Harry sipped at his drink without a word, savoring the burn as he swallowed just a bit too fast.
“Harry, I honestly don’t think you could have fucked up more if you tried.” Merlin set his glass down with a thunk.
“What would have had me do?” Harry snapped. He felt like he was doing that much too often lately. “I tried to tell him no and he looked at me like I just told him he had to shot his damned dog again.”
“Maybe explaining why you don’t want to keep the babe would help! I'm having a bit of trouble understanding that myself, honestly. Especially since you had already-“
Harry let out the growl he had been fighting since Eggsy walked in with the kid. Merlin didn’t seem impressed, and he had to admit that the effect was a bit ruined by burring his head in his hands, but he didn’t care much.
“Is it because he isn’t yours? You would deny your omega this happiness because you can’t raise an adopted kid?”
“No.” The word came out rough and Harry hurried to cover the emotions that had leaked out of his voice. “No, I’ve just realized that I’m too old for pups. Too old to start a family.”
Merlin’s face softened into what might have been understanding, but what Harry knew to be pity. He didn’t want anyone’s pity. “Harry,” his friend said softly, his hand reaching out across the desk.
Harry stood abruptly. “I fear I don’t feel well, Merlin. I believe I’m going to head home for the day. Tell Bors we’ll discuss his mission first thing tomorrow morning, will you?”
Merlin nodded and made no move to stop him as he headed out of the office towards the bullet train that would take him back to Savile Row.
The house was quiet when he arrived. J.B poked his head out from the kitchen to see who had come home before snuffling at Harry and waddling into the sitting room. Harry sighed and made his way slowly up the stairs.
The medication wasn’t working properly, his head felt like it was going to split in two at any moment. He should just head straight for his bedroom and go to sleep, put this whole day behind him. But when he reached the top of the stairs he found himself not in front of his own bedroom door, but in front of the door they never speak of. The door they never open.
He turned the handle and the door groaned in protest, the wood old, the hinges rusty with disuse. Everything was the way it had been, though covered in a fine layer of dust. The walls had been painted a soft blue along with most of the furniture. Eggsy had wanted a theme. He had thought they could turn the blue into space or sea creatures later. But later had never come.
The first steps into the room didn’t feel like anything. Like he had been numb for so long he couldn’t feel it. But he curled his hand around the little white crib and suddenly it was just too much. The pain in his head and his heart was going to choke him and he opened his mouth to breathe but all that came out was a broken sob.
He picked up a little blanket that had been left in the crib and brought it to his face, trying to calm himself. He needed to be strong. He couldn’t break down like this. He was an alpha, damn it, and Eggsy needed him. Eggsy needed a family. He had always known the omega would want children of his own. You couldn’t look at the boy with his sister and not know that. Harry couldn’t take this chance away from his Eggsy just because he can’t be strong.
He set the blanket down with a shuddering breath. He couldn’t do this now. Eggsy would be home soon and if he didn’t lie down he might fall down before he got the chance. Harry stood and straightened his suit before walking out of the room as calmly as he could manage, firmly shutting the door to the room that was supposed to belong to his son.