Chapter Text
Tuesday 27th August.
When Oscar wakes up he's disoriented.
His head is pounding and it feels foggy, like his brain is working at half speed and although he's never experienced it, it feels like he's been hit by a bus. Letting out a low groan he throws his arm out to the side, expecting to find Logan but he finds just cold sheets.
Cold empty sheets.
Groggily he pushes himself up into a seated position and looks around.
Logan's not in the bed. Not in the bedroom at all and there's no light coming from the ensuite.
That's when he realises that the bond is pulsating with wave after wave of grief and pain but despite the strength of the emotions, the connection feels weak.
He reaches for it, just being able to tell that Logan is alive through the intensity of the pain. Just touching it made his head swim and he fought back a wave of nausea.
What the fuck has happened?
That's when he remembers that Logan isn't there.
Logan's at home in London and Oscar is in Monza.
Logan had spun him what he now realised was bullshit about some extra simulator time, kissing Oscar softly as they parted at Amsterdam airport and promising to see him in a few days.
He wiped a hand over his eyes as he fumbled for his phone, the last of his sleep haze clearing.
His lock screen was filled with notifications but there were only two that he focused on.
Williams Racing:
Franco Colapinto to race for for the remainder of the 2024 season.
Logie 💙 🩵 💙
I'm so sorry Osc.
I need time
I'm safe, I promise 🧡
“No no no no no,” Oscar whispered, “fuck please no.”
He clicked on the Williams link, praying that it was some kind of joke. It had to be a joke.
Skimming the article he starts to feel sick and he drops his phone as he instinctively reaches towards the bond, letting out a wail as he is met with a mostly closed door. The bond was basically shut.
He mentally yanked on it, trying to make it open even a centimetre more but it didn't budge. He tried sending…something…he wasn't even sure what he was doing but he wanted to send something to make Logan know that he was there.
It was a mental beg for Logan to open his side of the bond but nothing happened.
He let out a loud sob as he curled inwards pressing his hands to his chest to try and stop the pain. It felt like someone was trying to claw his heart out of his chest and he couldn't differentiate between his emotions and the slivers coming through the bond.
All he knew was that it hurt.
Logan was hurt in the worst way.
And he wasn't there to help him.
He should have never let Logan go home alone. He should have put up more of a fight. He should have known that Logan was lying when he said that he and James had talked it over and it was fine.
Logan hadn't been fine since free practice on Saturday.
He'd tried so hard to hide it that Oscar had let him, believing that they'd talk about it when the weekend was over. He reasoned that Logan was just trying to focus on making the best of a bad situation but now he had to wonder whether Logan already knew. Had James pulled him aside at the end of Saturday and told him that it was over?
Or had something else happened?
Either way, it was done and now Logan was hurting and he wasn't with him.
Logan said he was safe but what did that actually mean?
Where would he have gone if not to Oscar?
Grabbing his phone again he clicked onto Logan's profile and tapped the ‘call’ button, holding his breath as it rang.
And rang.
And rang.
“Hey this is Logan, I can't take your call right now. If you leave your name and number, I might get back to you.”
He didn't bother leaving a message. Instead he just clicked redial.
It rang.
And rang.
“Hey this is Logan-”
Oscar ended the call and started the cycle again.
He had to know where Logan was. Had to make sure that he was actually safe and being looked after.
“Hey this is-”
Oscar's world narrowed to just his phone and the redial button.
Redial.
Ringing. Ringing.
“Hey this is Logan-”
Redial.
Ringing. Ringing.
“Hey this is-”
Redial.
Ringing. Ringing.
“Hey this-”
Redial.
Ringing. Ringing.
“Hey-”
“Please Logan, please please. Please pick up,” Oscar mumbled as he tapped the end call and redial button automatically.
This time it went to voicemail without ringing.
Logan had turned his phone off.
Letting out a gut wrenching scream he threw his phone at the wall, hearing the screen shatter and watching as it dropped to the floor, out of sight.
He screamed again as he grabbed the closest thing to him - his metal water bottle - and threw it at the wall. Then the alarm clock. Then the desk lamp but it didn't come free from the plug.
He yelled as he yanked it again but it still didn't budge.
His scream was continuous as he jumped up from the bed and pulled the entire side cabinet down, not even flinching as it hit the floor with a heavy crash.
It was a nice hotel room, Mclaren's ones always were especially when compared to the William's ones but after a few minutes it resembled more of a rubbish tip than a fancy hotel.
He sank to his knees as his scream petered off into sobs.
What was he supposed to do?
If he knew where Logan was he'd already be there. Did he risk going back to England? But there was no guarantee that Logan would be there.
He didn't know where Logan was.
He almost certainly wouldn't be at the track this weekend, so how was Oscar meant to be at the track? How was he supposed to act like nothing had changed?
He thought he'd have time to prepare for not having Logan around, he thought Logan would still be there to support him in some way.
But he'd be alone.
He whined pitifully as he bent in two, pressing his forehead into his knees.
He hadn't felt alone since the day Logan had bitten his neck, it was part of the beauty of being mated, someone was always there. But now he felt alone. He didn't know why Logan had practically closed the bond but he didn't think it was going to change any time soon.
He was alone and his reaction was just proving his fears were right. He wasn't strong enough without Logan.
Tears still flowing freely down his face, he crawled to his suitcase which was still half unpacked and rummaged through to find one of Logan's hoodies. The omega had scented it Monday morning so it was still fresh with his peachy scent.
Oscar held it to his face as he climbed onto the bed, curling up into a small ball as he shut his eyes. It wasn't a complete fix but at least he had something of Logans and he felt some of the fog in his head clear, some of the rage slipping away.
Mclaren would have to keep him far away from Williams and James during the weekend. As much as ripping James' head from his shoulders would be cathartic, he didn't think the Italian police would look the other way.
He tentatively brushed against the bond, screwing his eyes up tighter as he realised it hadn't changed. He knew Logan would have felt his burst of rage and he'd half hoped that Logan would've opened the bond more in response, to try and calm Oscar but he hadn't.
Had Logan thought he was mad at him?
The thought sent terror through him and he desperately sent wave after wave of love Logan's way but still nothing changed.
The bond started to feel numb from the high emotions funnelling through it. Logan was still emitting a sense of despair so great it made Oscar's entire body ache and once again Oscar just wished that he was able to comfort him in some way.
He just wanted to hold him.
He just wanted to tell Logan that he's better than Williams, that Williams never deserved him in the first place, that he'll go on to bigger and better things and that Oscar will support him every step of the way.
But he couldn't.
He knew Logan would come back to him, he trusted that Logan would never truly leave him, the ring on his finger was testament to that. And God, how had it only been two weeks since the best day of his life?
He wished he could go back in time and never let Logan leave their little Greek cottage, keep him cocooned away from the world. He would have made sure both those pregnancy tests were positive and let Logan choose to leave Williams rather than be shoved out. Let him leave on his own terms, which was the minimum he deserved.
More than anything he just wished that Logan would open up the bond. He wished he could tell Logan that he doesn't care how strong his emotions are and that he can't control them, he doesn't care about that. He just wants to feel Logan properly.
He distantly remembers that this was how Nico spent the majority of 2016, cut off from his mate in the worst way. When Nico had initially told them, it was after they'd shut their bond for a few moments and at the time, Oscar couldn't have imagined what it had felt like.
Now, Oscar wasn't sure how Nico was able to drive, to win.
It seemed impossible.
He wasn't even sure he'd be able to get out of bed and the bond wasn't even fully shut.
Distantly, he could hear a thumping noise but it didn't rouse him from his stupor.
Nothing short of Logan would do that.
He figured it might be his heart beat but even when he forced his body to relax slightly, the noise continued.
Maybe the world was actually ending?
A muffled shout reached his ears
Someone was knocking on his door.
It was relentless. And fucking annoying.
Oscar sighed heavily but didn't move apart from bringing Logan's hoodie closer to his nose and starting to cry again when he realised that already, his scent was starting to overpower Logans.
“Oscar! Can you let me know you’re okay? Anything mate, just a sign of life.” He dimly recognised George's voice but it was muffled, he guessed he was the one knocking on the door.
“Oscar, we’re getting the key card from reception. If you don’t come to the door, we’re coming in anyway.”
Oscar sighed again. Could they not tell that he just wanted to be left alone? And how could he possibly be okay? He didn’t have Logan and instead of the usual warmth and comfort that he got from the bond, he just felt emptiness. It felt like half his brain was missing.
“Oscar? Last chance mate.”
“Alright Osc, we’re coming in.”
He heard the door beeping as it registered the key card but didn’t roll over. He continued staring blankly at the wall, silently crying.
“Oscar?” It was definitely George, the other alpha’s scent leaking with concern as he stepped into the room and he wasn't alone, “Oscar?”
There was a crunching noise as someone stepped on glass or plastic, the remnants of an innocent object.
“Oscar?” That was Alex. “George is-”
“’Lex? Can you stay by the door a moment?”
“But-”
“Please?”
There was a huffing noise from the general direction of the door but Oscar’s attention was caught by George stepping into his line of vision. His eyes focused on the older alpha but he didn’t react as George cautiously knelt by the side of the bed.
“Oscar? Can you hear me?”
He reached out a hand, almost touching Logan’s hoody and Oscar snarled loudly, his knuckles turning white as his grip tightened on the item of clothing. It was last thing he had of Logan’s and no one was going to take it from him.
“Okay Osc, I wasn’t going to take it,” George soothed, “I just wanted to check on you. We want to make sure you’re okay, we’re worried.”
Oscar scoffed. Okay, what a stupid word. How could he be okay?
“Yeah I know,” George gently rumbled, “stupid thing to say. Of course, you’re not.”
Another figure appeared in Oscar’s line of sight, hovering just behind George.
“Alex,” George whisper hissed, holding a hand out to stop him coming any closer, “I asked you to wait.”
“Oscar’s not going to hurt me George,” Alex ignored the warning hand and dropped to his knees beside his mate. He slowly reached out a hand and placed it on Oscar’s ankle. “I don’t know what you’re feeling right now Osc but we’re here for you. We’re here for you and Logan.”
Oscar snarled again as a burst of fury shot through him and he kicked out his leg, dislodging Alex’s hand. The touch felt like it had burned his skin, the only touch he wanted was Logan’s and how dare Alex say Logan’s name, he probably knew what James was planning and didn’t try to stop it from happening. He was part of the reason Logan wasn’t with him. He was part of the reason Logan was hurting so much.
“Easy Osc,” George warned, “we’re just trying to help. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, what Logan is feeling right-”
“No, you can’t” Oscar shouted, startling George enough that he lost his balance and fell backwards, “you can’t because I can’t!”
“Oscar come on-” Alex tried but Oscar snarled, sitting up and glaring down at the couple.
“I don’t know what Logan is fucking feeling because he won’t answer the phone and he’s muted the bond and it’s your fault.”
“Oscar-”
“Yours and your fucking teams’ fault. You never stood up for him, you never believed in him. You ruined him!” Oscar screamed and George pushed Alex back, moving in front of his mate as Oscar continued, “you crushed him again and again and again. It’s your fucking fault.”
He launched himself off of the bed towards Alex but George grabbed him before he got close, the older alpha slamming him into the ground with a snarl. “Don’t you dare touch him Oscar, it’s not Alex’s fault.”
“George please-”
Oscar growled in Alex’s direction and struggled against George’s hold. The touch felt wrong in every way and it was holding him back from making Williams pay for what they’d done to Logan. In that moment he couldn’t differentiate Alex from the rest of the Williams team, couldn’t think of him as a pack member and someone both he and Logan respected. In that moment he was just part of the group of people who had systematically stripped Logan of his confidence over a year and a half, who turned their back on him when he was struggling and abandoned him to the wolves.
“Alex you need to get out!” George cried as he struggled to keep Oscar pinned down, he growled at the younger in an attempt to assert dominance and break through Oscar’s rage but he was too far gone. Oscar managed to get a hand free, lashing out and catching George’s nose, blood immediately beginning to flood out.
“Shit!”
“George!”
“Alex get out now!” George ordered, spitting blood to the side as he doubled to efforts to keep Oscar down. He was dripping blood on Oscar but he didn’t seem to care. In his peripheral vision he saw Alex running towards the door and so did Oscar. The Aussie made a last-ditch attempt to get free and that time succeeded in rolling the pair over, Oscar flailing his limbs to try and catch any part of George that he could. He heard him cry out and the hands vanished and Oscar wasted no time surging after Alex.
He didn’t get far as George managed to grab his ankle, pulling him down again.
“Enough Oscar! Alex hasn’t done anything, he cares about Logan. You know that!”
He manged to wrap his arms and legs around Oscar, holding him tight against his chest. Oscar tried to throw his head back but George managed to jerk it to the side just in time.
“Enough Oscar!” George growled, putting a hint of his alpha voice into it but Oscar continued to struggle so George sunk his teeth into the back of his neck, scruffing him and Oscar instantly fell still. He'd never tried it before, usually only a pack alpha could make it work and he felt echoes of Oscar’s rage and pain, which were strong enough to make George tremble.
He held still for a minute, making sure the forced submission worked and both he and Oscar were breathing heavily. He carefully pulled back, ready just in case Oscar tried anything but he didn’t move.
“I can barely feel him,” Oscar whispered, his rage vanishing as quickly as it had arrived and now he was back to feeling numb. He couldn’t even bring himself to be upset that he’d attacked and hurt his pack. “I just feel numb.”
Slowly, George relaxed his hold on Oscar, the younger slumping back against him. There was no fight left in him now.
There was nothing in him right now.
“Osc…Alex didn’t know. As soon as James told him he tried to call Logan but he wasn’t answering. We were…we are worried about you.”
“He’s shut me out,” Oscar whispered, pulling away from George and falling to the side, his limbs not holding his weight. He crawled back onto the bed, George watching him wearily as he curled up into a small ball and stared blankly ahead, just like how he’d been when George and Alex had arrived.
“George? Oscar…” Lando trailed off as he stopped in the doorway, taking in the scene in front of him, “what happened?”
“Where’s Alex?”
“He’s next door with Carlos, he’s fine,” Lando looked between the two alphas, “what happened?” he asked again.
“I’ll tell you later, can you just stay with him? I need to check on Alex and clean up.”
“Sure mate,” Lando hesitantly walked around the bed, dropping into a crouch next to Oscar.
Oscar didn’t show any sign of acknowledgement, his eyes slipping shut as he held Logan’s hoodie close. It didn’t do anything to sooth the ache in his soul. Nothing but Logan could do that.
And Logan didn’t want him.
Logan had run from him.
And he didn’t know when Logan would come back.
Until then, he was alone and it hurt far more than he was expecting.
Wednesday 28th August.
“Come on Osc, you need to eat something mate. Look we got you some pasta, mmmm yummy yummy.”
“George he’s not a five.”
Oscar snarled at Alex’s voice and George rolled his eyes, “calm down Osc, it’s literally just Alex. You know, your friend? Your pack mate?”
“He can’t help it George, I’m just a negative association to his brain at the moment.”
Oscar snarled again as if to prove his point.
“I don’t know how he’s reacting to you but won’t even look at me,” George sighed, sitting back on his knees and putting the pasta to one side, “Oscar!” he snapped his fingers in front of the younger alpha’s eyes but nothing happened.
“George!”
“What? He can’t just lay here.”
I can, Oscar thought, letting his eyes slip shut again and hearing another sigh from George. I can and I will because what’s the point of doing anything else? If he didn’t have Logan, there was no point doing anything.
Nothing had changed overnight although Oscar had been desperately hoping to wake up and find the bond open again. It was still mostly numb, though Logan's pain was still coming through as strongly as ever. At least he could feel something, it was the only way he knew Logan was actually alive.
The numbness from the bond had spread out into his brain, making it hard to think. It felt like his head was being submerged in an ice bath and his skin itched, like it was too tight.
He just missed Logan so much. He just wanted to know if he was safe.
“Have you tried calling Logan again?”
“His phone is still turned off. James said-”
Oscar growled loudly, the name breaking through his brain fog and he half rose, eyes scanning the room for the Williams team principal.
“Woah woah,” George cautioned, “he’s not here Oscar, it’s just us.”
Oscar growled lowly as his eyes locked on Alex, watching as the omega took a step back.
A small part of his brain recognised that it was Alex but it was moving too slowly to matter. His brain remembered Logan with Alex, remembered Alex with Williams and him and that was enough for Alex to fall into the same category so he snarled in warning.
“Don’t you dare,” George warned, rising from his knees and moving to stand next to his mate. “We’re not doing this again Oscar, I will scruff you again.”
Oscar growled again but it petered off as George shifted to be in front of Alex and snarled back.
He huffed loudly but laid back down, hearing George let out a breath. “I think you should go ‘lex, at least for the moment.”
He heard more murmuring but he tuned it out as he clutched the hoodie closer. At this point Logan’s scent was all but gone, overpowered by his own rotten mouldy scent but there was still enough there to offer even the smallest amount of comfort. The bed dipped behind him and he heard George sigh as he settled down.
“I guess we’re just going to sit here then. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. Although I draw the line at carrying you to the bathroom.”
Oscar grunted in response and the two slipped back into the same silence that had periodically settled over the room since the previous day.
For Oscar, time slipped away.
It felt like he was slipping away.
“Oscar? George?”
“Oh hey Lewis,” Oscar felt George shifting to greet his teammate, “you alright?”
“Is Oscar? Are you? What happened to your nose?”
He heard George whisper something but his brain was too murky to understand it. He whined as he pulled the hoodie close again, somehow it seemed like Logan's scent had gotten stronger.
“Hey Osc,” there was shuffling behind him and the scent of Logan intensified. Faster than he could comprehend, he rolled over and let out a distressed whine when he saw that it wasn't Logan.
“I know, I know,” Lewis soothed, tucking a blanket around Oscar that he recognised as normally being in Logan’s nest. He also held out the small Mclaren teddy bear that Logan had squealed excitedly about when Oscar first gave it to him. Logan had taken that bear everywhere with him, making sure that both he and Oscar nuzzled it enough that their scents were left on it so if Oscar could feel any emotion, it would be surprise that Lewis had the bear.
In fact, it would be a surprise that Lewis had one of Logan's nesting blankets.
Why did Lewis have one of Logan's nesting blankets?
Logan would never part with them.
He blinked blearily at the alpha, trying to peer round him to see if Logan was with him and he whined again when his mate failed to materialise.
“Oh Osc, I know mate, I'm sorry I'm not Logan,” Lewis rumbled, laying down on the bed next to Oscar and starting to wrap his arms around the younger but stopping as Oscar growled weakly and wriggled away.
“He's done that with everyone,” George commented, “won't let anyone actually touch him."
“It's okay Osc, I bet that's just because we're not Logan, so you just cosy up in the blanket yeah?” Lewis sat up, staying close but making sure not to touch him.
Oscar nodded and pulled the blanket tighter, holding the bear close and letting out a mournful whine when they did little to soothe the ache.
“I know kid, I know…” Lewis kept talking but Oscar’s brain turned itself off and Oscar stared uncomprehendingly at the older alpha.
He nuzzled the bear, revelling in the sweet peachy scent attached to it. With his eyes shut he could almost pretend that Logan was with him.
Someone shook his shoulder and he opened his eyes with a hiss, jolting backwards to get away from the touch.
Lewis retracted his hands, repeating something over and over and eventually the words ‘Logan is safe, he’s with Nico’ broke through the fog and jolted Oscar back to a semblance of awareness.
“He’s okay? His voice sounded rough from the dehydration and being unused but Lewis seemingly understood what he was trying to say.
“Yeah Oscar, he’s okay. He’s with Nico, he’s safe. Nico is looking after him.”
Oscar let out a relieved sob at knowing that Logan was actually safe, he knew Nico would take good care of him.
“He misses you and he's sorry but he just needed to be away from all of this,” Lewis continued, “he needs some time.”
“I miss him,” Oscar sobbed, all of his emotions bubbling over, “I feel like I can't breathe without him.”
“I know, I know.”
“Where is he? I need…I need to go,” a frenzy came over him suddenly and he wriggled to try and get free of the blanket, “I need to go to him.”
“Shh Osc, easy easy, he doesn't want you to miss the race. I know it's hard pup, I know I know but I can't tell you where they are.”
“I don't care about the race, please Lewis, I need to see him, I need to speak to him, I need to feel him again.”
“Wait…what do you mean feel him?”
“He's closed the bond off, I can barely feel him.”
“Shit shit,” Lewis stood and pulled his phone out, “George get back here, I need to call Nico now.”
George obligingly took Lewis's place on the bed, careful to not touch the blanket as he didn’t want to set Oscar off. The alpha’s body was tense and his eyes were locked on Lewis as he paced, waiting for Nico to answer the phone.
“Nico hey, no no listen to me, this is really important love,” Lewis walked further away from the bed as he spoke, “you need to get Logan to open the bond.”
“No, I know you wouldn’t have known Nic but,” Lewis glanced back at Oscar, “you need to get him to do it now or I’m getting Oscar on the next flight. Yes, it’s that bad, worse even.”
He went quiet, nodding to whatever Nico was saying. “Okay thanks Nic, speak soon.” Lewis pocketed his phone and moved back to sit on the edge of the bed next to Oscar, “Nico’s going to speak to Logan okay Osc? He’s going to get Logan to open the bond up, that’ll make you feel a bit better. It’ll probably clear up that headache of yours, you’ll be okay.”
Oscar nodded, blinking slowly at Lewis, “He’s really okay?”
“Yeah Oscar, he’s okay. He’s hurt and confused but he’s okay. He asked us not to tell you where he was because he didn’t want to distract you from the weekend,” Lewis scoffed, “not that I think he thought that through.”
It was on the tip of Oscar’s tongue to defend Logan but any thoughts of that evaporated as he felt the bond open. At first just a little, just a crack and then a little more. Oscar moaned as the numbness receded and his brain started to speed up, gasping as Logan returned to his designated corner of Oscar’s brain. With the opening came a fresh wave of hurt and pain but also a sense of relief and regret that Oscar’s brain struggled to process after a day of being isolated from his mates’ feelings.
“There we go,” Lewis praised, “just ride it out Osc, it’ll settle quickly.”
And the older alpha was right because after a few moments, Oscar felt everything slow down again and slot into place. He still felt foggy and dazed but it was miles better than a few minutes ago. He was able to feel more of Logan’s pain now but he was also able to feel more of Logan in general, so the pain was worth it. The bond was nowhere near being fully opened but after the past day, Oscar would take anything. With the clarity the bond brought, his brain replayed his actions from the previous day and he flushed deeply.
“Lewis? George?”
“Yeah mate, we’re here it’s okay.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“What why?”
He rolled over, meeting George’s eyes and baring his neck in submission, “I attacked you, I tried to attack Alex. God George I’m so-”
“Hey hey hey, you’re okay mate. No hard feelings from our side.”
“But I-”
“Osc, it’s fine okay. I’m just happy to see a little more of you behind those eyes.”
“Does it still hurt?” Lewis questioned.
“A little. I feel more like me, less feral raging alpha.”
“Did he open it all the way?”
“No, it’s maybe about sixty-five percentage shut.”
“Jeez kid. We’ll need to tell Mclaren, you need to take it easy this weekend.”
“Hmm okay.”
“Get some rest Osc, sleep is the best medicine right now. We’ll be here when you wake you,” Lewis gently urged and Oscar nodded, already feeling his body dragging him under as his eyes shut.
‘Thank you ,’ he sent through the bond, ‘miss you .’
There was a brief brush of fondness in response which Oscar clung to with every fibre of his being. He hoped it was a step in the right direction.
Friday 30th August.
“Oscar? Mate it's time for debrief,” Lando knocked on Oscar's door and poked his head in, “Oscar?”
His teammate was sitting on his small couch, silently staring at his phone and hadn't reacted to his presence.
“Oscar? Osc? You're kinda scaring me now,” Lando slowly crept forward, not wanting to startle the other alpha. Oscar had been distant all day and although Lewis had prepared him for it, it was still jarring.
The swap had taken everyone by surprise, that had been the consensus at their emergency pack meeting before media yesterday. The timing, the chosen replacement, it had thrown them all for six. Lando had felt vaguely bad that they'd excluded Franco but it hadn't been enough for him to voice his concerns. He'd probably said less than five words to the young beta whereas Logan was pack. Logan had wriggled his way into everyone's affections, despite him thinking the opposite.
His first instinct upon hearing the news was to hug Carlos tighter, it so easily could have been their reality next season and he was thankful that he got to keep racing with his mate for another year. His next action had been to call Logan, he hadn't been expecting him to pick up so it wasn't a surprise when it went to voicemail. He'd left a message and sent Logan a text, checking in and making sure Logan knew he could call whenever.
Then, he'd been about to call Oscar when he heard the alpha screaming from the next room, loud enough to wake Carlos from his afternoon nap. The screams were mixed with sounds of crashing and Lando was halfway to the door when they stopped and he could just about hear sobbing
And then silence.
He'd hesitated, unsure of what he should do and eventually he went to knock on Oscar's door, the dank mouldy scent of an upset Oscar was seeping out from under the door. He only knocked twice, getting the sense that Oscar would prefer to be left alone and so had gone back to Carlos. Not long after that, George had called asking for Oscar's room number and then there had been a fresh commotion that ended with Alex trembling in Carlos’ nest.
It had been hard to believe that Oscar had been the cause of George’s broken nose and the scratches running down his neck but he could see the blood staining Oscar's knuckles and had dutifully taken his turn holding Oscar and trying to get through to his teammate while George cleaned himself up. Although holding was a loose term because Oscar had whined and groaned like he was in pain from their touch so it ended with Oscar curled up on the bed and Lando and George taking turns just sitting near the younger alpha.
On Wednesday, he'd again taken turns with George until Lewis had arrived and at that point the grid alpha had politely banished them all from Oscar's room.
Mclaren had excused Oscar for Thursday, stating sickness that most fans had immediately seen straight through. There had been a massive outpouring of love and support for both Oscar and Logan and he'd tried to show Oscar while hoping that someone was showing Logan but Oscar had remained disinterested.
During their meeting Lewis reported that Oscar had been much the same the rest Wednesday, switching randomly between being despondent and angry. For Thursday he'd had to leave him in the hands of Kim, checking in frequently but Kim stated that if left to his own devices Oscar probably wouldn't have moved from the bed.
Lando had thought that being back in the car, back into a rhythm would help Oscar but three days after the news had dropped Oscar was still mostly catatonic and shying away from their touch.
He wasn't sure how and when Lewis and Kim had smuggled Oscar into the paddock, he hadn't been present for their morning debrief but had appeared at the back of the garage ready for first practice and then he'd vanished straight after.
“Oscar? Mate?”
Lando inched forward, reaching the couch and carefully lowered himself down next to Oscar.
“He's so full of shit,” Oscar whispered.
“What? Who?”
In response Oscar just handed him his phone and through the mess of cracks on the screen Lando could just about read the statement.
Autosport:
James Vowels on Logan Sargeant, “he's reached the limit of what he's able to achieve in F1. The performance wasn't there.”
“Fuck sake,” Lando shook his head, “he needs a serious lesson in PR. First all the shit with Carlos making it seem like he was trying to court my mate and now this. God and he also calls Mick ‘not special,’ what the fuck has Mick done.”
“I want to rip his head off,” Oscar stated calmly, his fingers twitching as if to back him up.
“Okay but you can't.”
“Why not?”
“Because that's murder Osc.”
“And?”
“Ah murder is bad?”
“He hurt Logan, he's hurt Logan all year and I didn't do anything to stop it. I should have done something?”
“Like what? You couldn't have stopped Logan from racing and he wouldn't have wanted to.”
“I should have done something,” Oscar repeated, “I should never have let Logan leave on Monday. I should have…I should have done something.”
“You can't change the past Oscar,” Lando shifted, tucking one leg underneath him and half reaching out to touch Oscar but thought better of it, “you just need to be there now. We all do.”
“We?”
“Course, he may not be…” Lando sighed, “Logan may not be on the grid anymore but that doesn't mean he stops being pack.”
Oscar nodded again and Lando could almost see the rage receding from Oscar's eyes, being replaced with a familiar one of apathy before they shut and Oscar curled in on himself.
“Oscar, we've got debrief,” Lando reminded him, desperately trying to keep Oscar grounded.
“I don't care.”
“You should care,” Lando bit his lip in a moment of deliberation, “Logan would care.”
Oscar's eyes snapped open again and Lando held his breath but Oscar just nodded, “he would care.”
“Come on then,” Lando tentatively brushed his hand against Oscar's as he stood up, a sense of pride building at getting him to engaged
The feeling didn't last long because in the time it took for them to walk down to the briefing room, Oscar's eyes had completely glazed over once again.
Lando smothered a sigh, catching Andrea's eyes as the alpha entered the room and minutely shook his head to indicate that he shouldn't expect too much from Oscar and also that they shouldn't let him be around the cameras just yet.
Hopefully tomorrow would be better.
Saturday 31st August.
“So Oscar, front row lock out for Mclaren, you must be happy?”
Happy? Fat chance of that but he forced the edges of his mouth up in a rough imitation of a smile.
“Sure, it's great for the team.”
“Just great? You're the fastest car on the grid at the moment, you must think you've got a decent chance of a win tomorrow?”
Oscar shrugged and Jenson jokingly groaned, “come on Oscar, you've got to give me something? I'm sure Logan is happy for you?”
In Oscar's opinion, he did a fantastic job in holding back his snarl, his only give away was the way his lip curled in pure annoyance.
He saw Max side-eying him from his own interview which only made him more annoyed. He knew the grid was working to keep constant tabs on him, just in case he exploded. Which, he had to admit, was a fair fear. His emotions were all over the place which Lewis blamed on the bond issue but despite Lewis’ repeated calls to Nico to tell Logan to open the bond, his omega had so far refused. At least in opening it fully.
It had inched towards openness over the past couple of days and each time he felt it move, it felt like he could breathe again, like his lungs were able to hold more oxygen. He didn't feel as foggy and dissociated as he had on Tuesday and Wednesday but he still wasn't firing on all cylinders which meant he had no capacity to care about what he said to the media.
He had no idea why Mclaren were letting him do interviews. Maybe he'd fooled them into thinking he was alright, after all Logan had chosen just before qualifying to open the bond which had given him a little spring in his step. He took that as a sign that Logan wanted him to do well and that was echoed in the pleased feelings that had momentarily overridden the pain in the bond.
“Oscar?”
Oh yeah, Jenson was interviewing him.
“I'm sure Logan is happy. Not that I've spoken to him in days.”
He could see in Jensen's face that that wasn't the answer he was expecting and the beta swallowed heavily, “ah, well I'm sure he'll want to talk to you after that? Maybe we'll even see him in the paddock tomorrow.”
Oscar snorted, “fat chance of that happening. He's devastated Jenson, he got fucked around by the team that were supposed to be supporting him.”
Jenson stammered as he tried to apologise for Oscar's language but Oscar paid him no mind. The rage was building again, the words were flooding out and Oscar made no attempt to hold them back.
“Williams screwed him over all year, from taking away his car, to making him drive Monaco with a 2023 spec wing for fucks sake. Logan will probably admit he wasn't on form when he should have been but the team should have helped him and for James to fucking say he ‘reached his potential’ is bullshit. Ask anyone who drove against Logan in the junior series, he's rapid and if anything Williams were limiting his potential, he's got so much more in him. And to say that he'll stay ‘part of the family,’” Oscar mocked, “I mean what a joke, they clearly don't care about him, they've made that very clear over the past few months. Not that I want Logan to stay associated with Williams, fuck no. He deserves better than them.”
“Ah Oscar-”
“No you asked so I'm gonna answer,” Oscar snapped but before he could keep going he felt an arm around his waist and he was yanked away from the camera, the microphone plucked from his hands.
“Here, you take that back Jense,” Daniel chucked the microphone to the former driver and pulled Oscar away, “let's get you away from the camera shall we?”
“Get off,” Oscar wriggled in the omegas arms but Daniel just continued to drag him away from the press pen, “Danny for fucks sake, I'm not a child,” he finally pushed Daniel away, the omega letting him but staying close just in case.
“Never said you were. I think you made your point though-” he broke off as Oscar gasped loudly. “What? What's wrong?”
“Nothing,” Oscar whispered because it was true. Nothing was wrong, everything was right.
Because the bond had just jumped even further open. It now only felt about a quarter closed, not far off what he and Logan usually did during races and he felt himself immediately calming down. The scales of his emotions were tipping back towards the centre and holding steady.
There was a lot of praise coming through, with a strange undercurrent of amusement.
“Was that live?” He asked Daniel, the older Aussie watching him wearily.
“The interview? Yeah mate, It'll be everywhere now.”
Grinning, he poked at the bond, ‘was that a reward? For shouting at Jenson about Williams?’ He thought, pushing it through the bond like Nico had started to show them.
A swirl of amusement was his response and he could imagine the grin on Logan's face.
‘Maybe. Don't do it again.’
‘No promises.’
“You seem a lot happier all of a sudden,” Daniel remarked and this time Oscar's smile was real.
“I'm one step closer to this weekend being over and getting back to Logan.”
“Have you managed to speak to him yet?” Dan led the way through the crowds towards Mclaren, hissing when a couple of people got too close.
“No but-”
“Hey look over there,” Dan suddenly grabbed his arm, ignoring his harsh flinch and spun him around.
“Dan what the hell!” Oscar pulled his arm free, glaring at the other driver, “can you not touch me? I thought Lewis would have mentioned that in his ‘Oscar briefing’ the other day.”
Dan had the grace to look ashamed but still tried to make himself large in Oscar’s eyes and it wasn’t until Oscar caught a flash of dark blue behind him that he understood. Dan saw where his eyes were looking and he shifted, trying to block him. Oscar felt the familiar bubble of anger brewing in his stomach but he was able to hold it down, focusing on the pride and amusement he could feel.
“Despite what you may think,” he forced out between clenched teeth, “I’m not going to randomly attack Williams employees if I see them in the paddock.”
“Can’t blame me for being cautious, you did just scream at Jenson.”
“That’s because he asked stupid questions. He deserved it.”
“Alright fair point but he didn’t deserve to be screamed at on live TV. He was close to Logan as well.”
“Fuck off Dan, none of them actually cared about Logan.”
“Hey! That’s not true. You can’t blame them for something James did.”
Oscar growled, feeling his tenuous hold on his anger slipping as the sense of relaxation the bond opening gave him started to abate, “I can and I will. They all contributed in some way.”
They were gaining attention now, cameras pointed their way and Daniel shifted uneasily. “Let’s just get somewhere private, yeah? How does a nesting session sound? Yuki got these amazing fluffy blankets-”
“No. I’m going back to my room so I can finally have some peace and fucking quiet. Feel free to walk me back so you can be sure I don’t kill a mechanic on the way.”
“Oscar!” Daniel called after him as he roughly shoved through the gathered crowds, the touches doing nothing to help his mood. He gritted his teeth as he made his way over to the Mclaren building, trying to shake off the anger and focus on the scraps of lightness he could feel through the bond, trying to get himself back to neutral but he felt himself slipping too far the other way as the anger subsided. The fog was settling down over his mind again and he felt himself slipping away, distancing himself from the world around him.
The Mclaren team members gave him a wide berth as he trudged into the building, no doubt his interview had spread through the paddock and beyond already. Not that he could bring himself to care. If he got fired, at least he could be with Logan, wherever he was.
There was a flash of concern through the bond which startled Oscar enough to stumble into Zak as the CEO came out from one of the meeting rooms.
“Steady there Oscar,” Zak’s hands hovered, not quite touching but ready to jump in if ability necessary and Oscar wondered if Lewis had sent a memo to the whole paddock. How to deal with a depressed, half feral alpha, a guide by Lewis Hamilton.
“Sorry,” Oscar managed, his tongue heavy but Zak just smiled kindly, a contrast to his normally boisterous energy.
“Don’t worry about it. Hey I saw your interview with Jenson.”
Here we go, unemployment here I come.
“Not exactly how I would have phrased it but it’s about time someone answered those stupid questions bluntly.”
“Huh?”
“Seriously, ‘Is Logan happy?’ What kind of ridiculous question is that? I’m sure he is happy for you, I’m sure he always is but honestly,” Zak shook his head, “Jenson was asking for it, literally.”
“Oh.”
“I don't know what Logan is thinking for next year and beyond but if he wants to think about Indy, let him know I’m up for a chat. I can set him up with some good connections in that world.” Zak smiled again, a hint of sadness in it as if he could tell that Oscar was barely paying attention. “Alright you head off now, debrief in forty minutes so get some rest kid.”
“Oh, and Oscar,” he called out as Oscar turned to leave, “I hope you know we’ve got your back. Whatever we can do to help, we will.”
Oscar nodded robotically, more focused on the steady stream of concern now working its way through the bond. Concern for him.
I miss you Lo , he thought , I need you.
The concern turned to sadness and longing and Oscar let it swirl around him as he once again felt himself slipping away.
I miss you too.
Sunday 1st September .
Oscar, as he had done for most of the weekend, drifted through the paddock towards the media pen.
The adrenaline and the sharpness it brought was fading away until once again he felt like he was drifting in fog. It was better than it had been but the stress that basically closing the bond had done to his body was taking its toll. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't around his mate. He craved Logan's touch, Logan's scent, nothing else came close.
He needed his mate. He needed Logan.
He missed him dearly and he hoped that now that the race was done, Logan would let him know where he was, let him go to him and comfort him properly.
Lando and Charles were shadowing him as they walked, both close enough to touch but neither doing so. He'd probably scared them from the amount of times he'd flinched away from their well meaning hands over the week. Normally he would have craved the lingering touches and crushing hugs but it felt like every touch burned. If it wasn't Logan's hands he didn't want anyone touching him, it just felt wrong and he didn't know when he would ever feel right again.
He felt detached from the craziness of the paddock, the world around him muted.
He knew Lando was pissed at him for his move at the start of the race but Oscar had been racing in the purest form, there was nothing else in his head apart from finishing the race as soon as he could. He knew that some people had said he shouldn’t be racing, his despondence and anger had been clear for the world to see over the week and he knew people were arguing that if he couldn’t control himself, he shouldn’t be driving but as far as he knew, nothing had even been whispered in the garage.
If anything, while he was driving he found the most peace. His brain had switched to automatic and everything had quietened down and in actual fact it had probably been the most focused he’d ever been during a race weekend.
The adrenaline had carried him through the post-race celebrations and he knew that the memory of standing on the podium at Monza while the Tifosi screamed for Charles would stay with him forever. He just wished Logan was here to celebrate with him. The bond had been quiet during the day apart from a spike of longing just before the race started which he’d taken as it hitting home for Logan that he was no longer a F1 driver.
It still felt weird to even think those words.
“Oscar?”
He glanced over at Sophie, the communications director sticking close to him in an effort to try and avoid another Jenson scenario.
“Are you up for an interview with Rachel?” she nodded over to where the sky presenter was waiting, “it’s okay if not. If you don’t want to, we can just head back to the hospitality,” she offered.
Oscar took stock of himself as he gazed around the pen, quickly diverting his eyes from Franco who was happily chatting away, a bright smile on his face. He wondered how long it would take before that smile was forced, how long before Williams ruined someone else. He guessed he should have cared but then again, no one cared about Logan when the light in his eyes was dimming race by race. Of course Franco could succeed but that was something Oscar didn't want to think about.
“Oscar?” Sophie asked again and Oscar felt himself nodding as he wandered over to Rachel. “No personal questions,” Sophie stated, “let’s just stick to the race please.”
Rachel nodded as she handed over a microphone, “Hey Oscar,” she greeted, “that was a great race for you but are you disappointed to not come away with the win?”
“Yeah course,” he forced a small smile, “this one does hurt, it feels like we really let it slip away. Ferrari out did us today and we’ll need to look back and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“When you were asked about the possibility of doing a one stop, you told the team it wouldn’t be possible, was that down to the tyres?”
“My front left was done, I think if we’d committed to a one stop before the race it would have been different, maybe I would have been able to manage them better, make them last,” he shrugged, “but it is what it is. Shoulda woulda coulda I guess, hindsight is always the worst critic. I’m happy for Charles though, he drove a great race and deserved the win.”
“What was it like being on the podium with him? I mean as you can hear, the crowd is still going.”
“It really was insane. I guess Will was right, there are two religions in Italy, Catholicism and Ferrari. After today I guess Charles is like the pope.”
Rachel laughed and Oscar could see Sophie smiling, obviously pleased with that he was saying.
“So, you’ve got a week off now before Baku, any plans?”
He saw Sophie’s frown slip away at the question, it wasn’t personal enough for her to jump in but he knew she would if he wanted her to.
“Eh no. I just need to be away from all of this and back to what really matters.”
Rachel hesitated, it was clear that she wanted to follow up and ask about Logan but didn’t want a repeat of what happened to Jenson. He gave a tiny nod, letting her know it was okay. He was in a better place today. Plus, Rachel had never been associated with Williams.
“And what does really matter?”
“Logan,” he said immediately, “I haven’t seen him since the news broke and I miss him like crazy. It feels like someone has chopped one of my limbs off. It’s been a hard week and I’m just looking forward to holding him…” Oscar trailed off as he saw James arrive at the other side of the pen, making a beeline for Franco and pulling him in for a hug. He knew the rest of the drivers clocked it as well, Pierre even shuffled back a few steps to try and block Oscar from seeing. The lid on his anger shook slightly as he forced himself to look away.
“Oscar?”
He looked back at Rachel who looked nervous now and he forced himself to drop his shoulders, trying to compose himself.
“I just want him to know that it wasn’t his fault,” he continued, “and whatever he chooses to do next, I will wholeheartedly support it. He deserved better than what he’s been dealing with and although I’m not happy about what the team did, I’m happy Logan is out of that environment.” He made sure to pitch his voice higher for the second part of his statement, not looking over but hoping it reached James.
“We’re certainly going to miss him around here,” Rachel said tentatively but Oscar could smell that she was sincere.
“Thanks, see you in Baku I guess.”
He handed back the microphone and turned to Sophie suddenly exhausted from holding his composure, “can we go now?”
“Course Osc, you did good,” Sophie praised, gesturing for Oscar to leave the same way they came in. It was the longer route back to the Mclaren building but meant that he didn’t have to walk past James which was probably a good thing. “There’s just a few things the team would like to do now…”
Oscar stopped dead, letting Sophie walk on for a few steps as above the chatter of the pen a voice reached his ears.
“Of course we were hoping for points for Franco, that obviously would have been the best result but it was a really strong drive and it really proves to me that I made the right choice in swapping him and Logan. We can build on this now and I'm very excited for the remainder of the season. Franco had some amazing moves and good saves, whereas if we'd kept Logan we most likely would be looking at another large repair job.”
The last thin piece of string that was holding the lid on his rage snapped and he distantly heard Sophie swearing as he started moving towards James. Pierre made a lunge for him which Oscar easily dodged, his vision tunnelling on his target.
The crowds parted around him and within seconds he was within touching distance of the Williams principal. He saw James double take and try to get out of the way but it was no use. Oscar had just one thought swirling around his brain.
Shut James up.
He slammed James up against the wall, snarling at the older beta.
He was distantly aware that the media pen around him went silent, everyone holding their breath.
“Oscar…”
“Shut the fuck up,” Oscar growled, pulling James foward to slam him back again, “just shut the fuck up. Do you know what you've fucking done to him? Do you even care how much you've hurt him? Did you ever even care about him or was it all just a facade, wanting to keep the American sponsors on side?”
“Oscar-”
“Just shut up! I should rip your fucking head off and play padel with it. You never deserved Logan, he's better than you in every way. You destroyed him and you keep doing it, you keep digging at him again and again. I never ever want to hear Logan's name from your mouth again. I swear to god if I hear you talking about him one more time I'll-”
“Oscar, Oscar,” Lewis appeared at his shoulder, just hovering and not touching him, “listen.”
He held out his phone and Oscar glanced away from James, his grip relaxing as he saw the name on the screen.
Nico 😈🫶
And Logan was with Nico.
“Oscar?” Logan's voice came from the phone and Oscar dropped his hands from James’ shirt, grabbing the phone from Lewis.
“Logan,” he breathed, “Logan baby…”
“Shh Osc I'm sorry baby,” Logan's voice broke and Oscar’s heart broke with it, “I need you Osc. Please come.”
“Where are you?”
“Monaco.”
“I'm on my way.”
The bond sprung open again, fully open for the first time since Tuesday morning and Oscar braced for the pain but although it was present, the overwhelming feeling was relief. Oscar felt the last of the cobwebs in his mind clear and he felt the most aware he had all week.
Stepping away from James, Oscar didn’t spare him any more attention, the need to comfort Logan overpowering his anger.
He did glance at Lewis, nodding his thanks at the older driver for his support over the past few days and then turned and headed towards the Mclaren hospitality, all the while rumbling gently down the phone to Logan.
“I'm coming darling, just give me two hours.”
