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Sunlight filtering through a gap in the blackout curtains hit Lucy’s eyelids before she was ready to wake up, grumbling under her breath as the light tore her from a dream. She tried to roll over, looking to hide her face in the back of Julien’s shirt and catch at least another hour of sleep if she was lucky, but a shooting pain had her freezing. Lucy held her breath, eyes still squeezed shut now out of pain rather than as an escape from the morning sun, doing a mental check of her body. She wiggled her toes, flexed her calves; no pain. Carefully tried to shift her legs, moving at the hips, and huffed slightly when she felt the pain move back up her spine. Moving her arms at the shoulder had the same effect, a pulling at her spine that had the muscles tensing and pain emanating from where her herniated discs had long-since stopped giving her issues; or so she thought.
Lucy reached an arm out slowly, fingers searching for the familiar warmth of Julien’s body to gently rouse her from sleep, but she found the mattress on her side empty. She must have gone for a run, something she had taken up again once they had adjusted to their new life in LA, and hadn’t woken Lucy up before she left.
She heaved a sigh, letting her arm fall limp, and tried to shift over onto her other side to reach for her phone, another spike of pain proceeding the movement. Her phone was plugged in on the far side of the bedside table, just out of reach from where she was laying on her back, and the thought of rolling onto her side to get it made Lucy want to cry. She knew this flare up wouldn’t end in just a few minutes, could tell she wouldn’t be moving from the bed until Julien returned home, and the frustration had tears pricking behind her eyes.
“Hey Siri,” Lucy rasped out, “Call Julien.”
Calling ‘Julien’ her phone responded from the table, lighting up with the call screen as it began ringing. Julien answered on the third ring, like clockwork, sounding slightly out of breath.
“Hey, Lu, I’m just on my way back,” Lucy cracked a weak smile at the softness in her voice, “Did’ya want me to pick up tea? I’m gonna run past that cafe you like.”
“Hey,” Lucy tried to hide the waver in her voice, “C-can you just… hurry home, please?”
Her words immediately sent her girlfriend into a worry spiral, “I’m like eight minutes away, I’ll be quick. What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”
“Mm, dunno. Woke up and tried to move, hurts so bad. Back pain flaring up.”
“Oh, baby ,” the concern in Julien’s response brought tears back to her eyes, “Do you need me to pick anything up?”
Lucy sighed shakily, now that she was fully awake the pain had begun to settle into a constant ache, like someone was jabbing their fingers deep into her spine. She could barely think straight, let alone remember what she needed during a flare, and all she wanted in that moment was Julien.
“Can’t think, hurts,” she admitted, “Just need you, please.”
“Okay, Luce, just hold on and I’ll be home soon,” she could hear the beeping of a crosswalk in the background and Julien’s voice was slightly drowned out by the rushing of cars as she continued, “Just breathe, you’re okay.”
“Okay…”
“I love you,” Julien said like a promise and Lucy sniffled, not realizing tears had already started tracking down her cheeks without her consent.
“I love you too,” Lucy whispered, letting Julien hang up after a little more fussing and promising that she would hurry home. Her phone screen went dark again from the bedside table, leaving Lucy staring at the textured ceiling of their bedroom, still too afraid to roll onto her side.
The worst part about pain flares was the helplessness, the overwhelming feeling that she couldn’t do anything on her own. Lucy hated asking for help, a fear of being a burden or asking for too much hanging over her head like a constant threat. She always wanted to give, to be there for others, hell that’s why she had done a whole tour on a couch despite her actively herniated discs. Even then she had been pushing so hard to fight through the pain, to just get through one more show, one more song; just one more until she could fall into bed and let the tears slip down unmasked. Hiding the pain was hard but showing it felt even harder, it made her feel too exposed, too vulnerable, and she hated that. So on days where her body decided for her how much mobility she had, Lucy found herself scrambling to let go of that pride.
She tried her hardest to focus on anything else, staring helplessly at the white ceiling. Lucy’s eyes slipped shut when they clouded too much with tears to focus, taking a shaky breath as if to convince herself she wasn’t going to cry. It felt silly, how much she was fighting the tears alone in the comfort of her bedroom, but she couldn’t bring herself to give in. Instead she ran through the tour setlist, internally begging for that sense of normalcy and routine to ease her mind and drag her away from the pain. She glued her thoughts on that, the lyrics and chords dancing through her jumbled mind as she clutched at the tangled comforter.
It was more than 15 minutes later when Lucy heard the front door click shut, followed by Beans’ excited barking that welcomed Julien home. She let out an exhale of relief, knowing her girlfriend would be walking into their bedroom any moment, and that comforted her slightly. She was still distracted by the pain, which had settled in her bones like a dull ache accompanied by the occasional sharp stab. She wanted to call out to Julien, to welcome her home at least, but she didn’t have the energy.
The bedroom door creaked open and Julien peeked in, eyebrows knit together in worry as she tugged her hair from its haphazard bun. She was clad in her usual running clothes and had a grocery bag dangling from her wrist, looking at Lucy sympathetically. Lucy tipped her head to look at her properly, pouting as she tried to fight the tears that immediately jumped back to her eyes. Julien saw it, though, and frowned, crossing the room to get to her.
“Hey, you’re okay, baby,” she soothed as she set the grocery bag down on the bedside table, “I’m right here.”
Lucy nodded, silently cursing the way her lip trembled as Julien leaned down to cup her jaw, drawing her up to press a kiss to her forehead. She let herself be fussed over for a moment, her girlfriend leaning over the bed to reach her from where she was still stuck laying on her back, before Julien pulled away slightly.
“I stopped at the drugstore by the coffee shop,” she explained as she gestured to the bag, “Got those pain patches you like. Some tea too, and the muscle relaxers you used last time. Do you still have your painkillers, though? The prescription ones?”
Lucy blinked at her, always so amazed at how Julien prepared for every situation so quickly. She made a grabby hand for her, laced tattooed fingers in hers, and brought them up to her lips to press a grateful kiss to her hand. Julien smiled at her sadly, reaching her free hand out to brush Lucy’s hair back from her face, and waited for her to respond.
“You’re so sweet,” she murmured, “The painkillers are in my… black suitcase I think, tiny pocket in the- in the front.”
“Okay,” Julien nodded, “Would they help right now? I can get you one and some water, then we can try sitting up and getting a pain patch on.”
Lucy hummed, nodding her agreement, and let Julien wiggle from her grasp to search for her meds. She slumped back into the sheets, trying to follow her girlfriend’s movements until she moved out of her line of sight. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the stabbing pain that kept shooting sparks down her legs, huffing under her breath in annoyance.
Julien looked over at her, noting her stiff posture and the pinched look on her face, frowning. She hated seeing her girlfriend in so much pain, knowing how frustrated she got with herself when she couldn’t do things on her own. She unzipped the front pocket of Lucy’s biggest suitcase, locating the tiny pill bottle and grabbing it, before turning back to the bed. She rested a gentle hand on Lucy’s arm, making her girlfriend open her eyes to look up at her, lip caught between her teeth in a pained expression.
“Found them,” she explained gently, “Gonna go get some water, do you need anything else from the kitchen?”
Lucy shook her head but caught Julien’s wrist before she could pull back, giving her a gentle tug and puckering her lips for a kiss. Julien laughed lightly, leaning down to kiss Lucy softly, cupping her cheek as she did. Lucy sighed against her lips, soothed by the contact, and left another kiss against the corner of her mouth before Julien pulled away fully. She stroked her cheekbone fondly, an “I love you” slipping from her lips like a promise, which Lucy echoed just as softly.
Julien returned from the kitchen as quickly as possible, a cup of water and two takeout cups balanced in her arms. Lucy shook her head fondly at her girlfriend’s preparedness, watching her set the cups down on the bedside table before she opened the pill bottle and collected one tiny white pill in her palm.
“Are you okay if I prop you up, baby?”
Lucy nodded, knowing it would hurt a little but she needed to take her meds. She let Julien place the pill on her tongue, then she slipped one hand behind her head to prop her up slightly so she could sip from the cup of water. Lucy winced as the movement slightly jostled her spine but swallowed the pill, hoping it would kick in soon enough. She took one more sip of water, thanking Julien quietly as she laid her back down into the pillows.
The cup was returned to the table and the pill bottle banished to the bedside drawer, out of sight. Julien rummaged in the grocery bag for the box of pain patches, presenting them to Lucy with a sad little smile. Lucy nodded, noting that her girlfriend had sprung for the expensive brand because she knew they worked the best last time, and tried to shift onto her side but groaned when it sent pain shooting through her spine. Julien dropped the box, quick to put a hand on Lucy to try to stabilize her and stop her from moving too fast.
“Luce, slow down please,” she spoke softly as if she didn’t want to offend her, “Let’s just be gentle, okay? I don’t want to upset anything if this is your discs again, y’know?”
Lucy huffed a little but one look into those concerned brown eyes had her melting and she sighed, “Okay…”
Julien kneeled on the bed, sliding a hand under Lucy’s shoulder and another gently down her side to slip along her back, “I’ll help you sit up this way and then we’ll prop you up with pillows, okay? It’s gonna hurt at first, but I know the patches help.”
She let her girlfriend’s guitar calloused hands grab at her gently, guiding her up into a sitting position slowly. Lucy tried to follow her movements, a pained moan slipping from her lips without her consent as bending at the waist disrupted her spine. Julien apologized softly as she rubbed her back, drawing Lucy’s legs up so she could lean against her knees, slumped slightly forward into herself as she clutched onto her own legs.
“I’m sorry, baby, I know it hurts,” she soothed as she slipped a gentle hand up the back of Lucy’s shirt, rubbing her skin lightly. She was warm to the touch, almost bordering on feverish, and she groaned a little when Julien pressed a little harder near her lower back. She figured that was the best place to put the patch, fighting to open the box quickly.
Lucy knocked her head onto her arms, biting her lip to keep herself quiet as she tried to ignore the pain. Sitting up was definitely harder, feeling like spikes of pain shooting down into her legs every time she shifted. She heard Julien fiddling with packaging behind her and then felt her hands on her again, pushing her shirt up and pressing lightly on her spine.
“This one?” She asked, feeling for the right vertebrae for her slipped discs. Lucy hummed roughly in her throat, nodding, and felt something cold against her skin as Julien placed a patch over the spot on her spine. She smoothed it down and then opened another packet, counting up two vertebrae and applying another patch, murmuring a soft apology again when Lucy whined under her breath.
“All done,” Julien said as she tugged her sleep shirt back down, pressing a kiss to Lucy’s shoulder. She stacked the pillows up into a slightly more supportive position, a half seated-supine tilt, and then pressed on Lucy’s shoulder gently to urge her backwards. Lucy groaned again at the movement but obliged, letting herself be guided into the pillows and laid down carefully.
“Better?”
Lucy looked up at Julien, who was kneeling beside her with that same worried expression on her face. Her sweet boy, wanting to help in any way possible, she really was so wonderful. Lucy reached a hand out, catching Julien by the cheek and drawing her a bit closer. Julien hummed as she was pulled into Lucy’s lips, a kiss pressed to her cheekbone and a thank you mumbled against flushed skin.
“Better,” Lucy promised, “Still hurts, but the meds will kick in soon. Plus I’m grateful to be sitting up, the ceiling is fucking boring.”
Julien laughed a little at that but nodded, “I’m sorry you’re hurting, love. I’d take it all away if I could.”
“I know,” Lucy caught her hand to give it a gentle squeeze, “You’re the sweetest. Thank you for being here.”
“Always,” Julien was looking at her with those big brown eyes and Lucy swore she could melt into them all over again. She pouted at her, tears welling back into her eyes against her will, and Julien immediately frowned and reached out to hold her face in both hands, asking what was wrong.
“I hate feeling so… useless,” Lucy mumbled, “It hurts so bad for no reason and we had things to do today. Now I’m taking time out of your day so you can fuss over me.”
“Luce,” Julien shook her head, “You’re not useless, you’re hurting. You have chronic pain, baby, it’s okay to need help. I’m always going to be here, especially on your bad days, and if you need me I’m more than happy to help. You’re not taking time away from anything, all I want is to make sure you’re okay.”
Lucy’s lip trembled as she listened to Julien’s words, knowing she meant every one. She leaned into the gentle stroke of her thumb over her cheek, thankful for her comfort as she allowed herself to accept it fully. Julien leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead, trying to bring a smile back to Lucy’s face.
“You’re doing your very best, love,” she promised, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Lucy nodded slowly, knowing she was right. Julien let go of her face and leaned back, looking at Lucy closely for a second before she nudged her gently.
“How are you feeling?”
Lucy took a deep breath, trying to feel her body and see where she was in terms of pain. It was still there, though it had lessened to a slightly duller ache in her spine and she had a bit more range of motion. She focused more on the hot-cold sensation of the pain patches on her back, which carried a camphor scent that stuck to her skin and reminded her of her couch tour. The pain meds had definitely kicked in, she felt sleepy and maybe a little foggy but less pain, less overwhelmed.
“Hurts less,” she answered as she shifted slightly, “Still there but not as bad. Meds kicked in, I think, ‘m sleepy.”
“Sleepy we can handle,” Julien smiled, “What do you need right now, Lu?”
“Just you,” she replied without a thought, “Please?”
Julien chuckled and nodded, “Let me change quick and I’ll come lay with you, hm? We can have a comfy cozy day in, I think we deserve that anyway.”
Lucy shook her head fondly at the way Julien tried to rationalize spending her bedridden time with her, to make Lucy feel better. She accepted the now almost lukewarm cup of tea from Julien, who passed it to her from the bedside table before she dashed over to the closet to find lounge clothes. Lucy took a sip, humming contently at the taste of her favourite earl grey because of course her girlfriend knew her well.
Julien returned in comfy clothes and her hair tied back in another messy bun, climbing onto her side of the bed again. She helped Lucy lay down flat again, propped up with a pillow on her one side to support her spine, and then fit herself against her other side. Lucy pressed a thankful kiss to her cheek as she snuggled in close, murmuring her appreciation. Julien just kissed her back, an arm wrapping gently around her waist, careful not to jostle her body.
“Get some rest, baby,” she whispered against Lucy’s flushed cheek, “I’m right here if you need me.”