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The sound of the bell blasted through the speakers of the firehouse, and at this point Buck didn’t even try to stand up and get his gear, he’d be man-behind anyways, so was point was there in making the effort?
Buck could count on two hands the times he had been allowed out on the field in the months that Gerard had been captain.
At first he had been upset by it, the painful memory of the months he spent as man-behind after Bobby let him back on the team despite his injury bubbling back up every time he heard Gerard scream “Buckley, you stay here” as if he was a misbehaving dog. But by the end of summer he had, unfortunately, resigned himself to it.
Tommy told him it was normal, Gerard was just testing him, and if Buck behaved he’d let him back on the field sooner rather than later — the true problem was that Buck had no intention of behaving. He had no intention of standing down whenever he heard Gerard say something out of pocket to his friends, and if that meant that he wouldn’t see the inside of an engine until Bobby finally managed to make his way back to the 118, so be it. Tommy could call him a child all he wanted, but he wasn’t about to turn his back on his friends, no matter what it meant for his career.
So Buck lazed about the station, getting a head-start on lunch as he let his mind wonder to what might be happening on the call, when a voice he didn’t recognize suddenly broke though the silence.
“I-Is anyone in here? I- I think I need help.”
The voice was young, and terrified, words broken up by wet sobs.
Buck didn’t need to think on it before he shut off the gas on the stove, and rushed down the stairs to find himself face to face with a girl, no older than twenty, black hair sticking to her tear-stained face, and holding a quilted bag close to her chest.
“Hi” Buck said, telegraphing his movements as he walked up to her “Hi there, I’m Buck, I’m a fireman. How can I help?”
The girl was shaking like a leaf as she used one hand to try push the hair away from her face the best she could, while still clutching the bag close.
“I— I can’t… I need you to take them.” She said, and suddenly the bag was getting pushed towards Buck’s chest, and that’s when he realized that there was something moving inside of it, his heart dropping down to his stomach as he heard the soft cry of a baby coming from it.
Buck knew the Safe Haven law. He knew the concept, he knew the procedure, he knew what he was supposed to do. And he also knew that he had hoped to never find himself in the position of having to know it.
“Are… “ he started, securing his grip on the bag, slightly reassured by the movement coming from it’s contents.
Now that she wasn’t hiding behind it, and Buck could get a good look at her, he could see that the girl was thin — too thin for someone who had just given birth.
“I- I read on the internet that you can take them. Right? You can— I need you to…”
“I got them. They’re safe” he said, the woman who had shown up to train them on this at the academy told them to never ask questions. The mother was going through the worst moment of her life, she didn’t need someone to ask her if she was sure.
“I s-saw the box but — I needed to see you, I needed to see that they would be— are they going to be safe now?” She asked, arms wrapping around herself as thick tears kept rushing down her pale skin.
“They’re safe. I’ll keep them safe, I promise.” He said, and instinctively took a step towards the girl, who took two steps back. “But are you safe? I can help you… we have first-aid stuff, I can—“
The girl shook her head, and glanced back at the door to the firehouse.
“Just keep them safe, please. They deserve… they deserve better.” She said, and just as silently as she had come in she disappeared, leaving Buck standing in the middle of the fire station, holding on to a green quilted bag, and the newborn wiggling inside of it.
Three days.
That was the maximum age permitted by the Safe Haven law in California.
74 hours.
That was too little time for a baby to be away from his mom, they needed their mom was the only thought screaming over the mess in Buck’s brain.
But then a cry broke through the fabric of the bag, and suddenly Buck crashed back to earth.
He pressed the bag against his chest, but still careful not to hold it in a way that would hurt the baby, and rushed to the med bay. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat as he very slowly placed the bag on the table and opened it, he tried to remind himself that the baby was crying — dead babies can’t cry — but it didn’t do anything to alleviate the pressure choking his lungs.
Two.
The babies inside the bag were two.
Two little heads, and two little bodies swaddled carefully in pink blankets that they were trying to wiggle out of.
“H-hi” Buck said, his voice coming out broken as he lifted the first one out of the bag and placed it down gently on the exam bed next to him, and then did the same with the other.
74 hours, maybe less.
These babies were too small, too fragile, too delicate in Buck’s large hands.
He had no idea what to do.
He took a quick look at them, they looked perfectly healthy girls, if only a bit small, two tiny little things, with the stub of their umbilical chord still attached, mouths wide as they cried for their mom. They were scared, probably hungry, and maybe a bit cold, but he didn’t see any injuries.
He knew that at some point soon he would need to call the hospital to get them looked over by a pediatric team, as well as CPS involved, but right now all he could do was pick up the babies, whisper sweet nothings to them, and try not to let emotions overtake him.
Suddenly his whole word became just him and the two babies in his arms, the promise to keep them safe burning like an oath on his tongue.
“I’m here, I’m here, I got you sweet girls. It’s going to be alright, little ones.”
…
By the time the rest of the team came back Buck had moved to the upstairs couch, and he was holding one of the girls in his arms while feeding her some formula from their supplies, while he used his foot to gently rock the other baby inside of a makeshift bassinet he had fashioned out of a supply box, a blanket, and the rocking chair that they got Bobby as a joke when he turned 55 the year before.
“What the fu—“ It was Eddie who spoke, the words dying in his mouth as Buck’s eyes met his. Chimney liked to joke that they had some type of weird telepathic connection, Buck usually scoffed at that and said something on the lines of “Eddie wishes he could share a brain with me”, but it was in moments like this, when all it took to speak was their eyes meeting, that he thought that maybe Chimney wasn’t completely wrong.
“I already called the hospital.” He explained, as the rest of the 118 gathered behind Eddie and was promptly silenced by his raised hand “They said that if they didn’t show any sign for concern I could wait for you guys to come back to take them there.” He whispered, as the baby in his arm decided she had enough of the formula and cooed as she let the bottle slip from her mouth.
“There you go. Good job, Emma.” He said as he placed down the bottle and pulled the little girl again his chest to burp her.
Meanwhile his entire team hadn’t stopped staring at him for a moment, and as his eyes met Eddie’s again he found something indecipherable in them.
And then Gerard’s voice came through.
“Buckley!”
His booming voice reverberated through the walls of the building, making Buck’s blood boil, and waking up Lacy who until a moment before had been sleeping, warm and content, next to to him.
“Buckley, I didn’t know being gay made you into a girl. Are congratulations in order?”
If Buck didn’t have a baby in his arms he probably would have punched him.
He wanted to tell him to shut his fucking mouth. But Eddie preceded him.
“Let’s go” he heard Eddie said, pushing his way past Gerard so he was back in front of Buck, and stretching his hands out — a gesture which took him a moment to realize was a way of asking him to give him Emma. “I’ll drive you to drop them off.”
Buck nodded and slowly handed him the baby, who was starting to fall asleep, before picking up Lacy from the supply box and holding her close to his chest, soothing her cries.
“Where do you think you’re going, Diaz?”
Captain Gerard crossed his arms and stepped in from of them, but all Eddie said as they dodged him and made their way towards the parking lot was “this is part of my job, and you know it. Try and stop me.”
He didn’t add motherfucker, but it was implied in his tone.
Buck had never been prouder of having him as a best friend.
Arranging themselves in the car took some maneuvering, given that they didn’t have an appropriate car seat and Buck would have to hold both babies, but they eventually managed, and thankfully the ride to the hospital was short.
They didn’t speak as Eddie drove, slower and more careful than he had probably ever driven before. The girls were sleeping, and Buck was too busy making sure the occasional bumps didn’t wake them up, all the while pushing away the thought that with every turn of the wheels he was getting closer to having to hand the girls over to some strangers, closer to the moment they would leave his arms and he would never see them again.
He gently kissed Lacy’s head, and tried not to cry.
Eventually, too soon, Eddie parked in front of the pediatric wing of the hospital.
Buck wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
“Buck…” Eddie’s gentle voice startled him out of his thoughts, but he couldn’t stop looking down at the girls.
“I know” he said, his large thumb coming up to brush against Emma’s blanket, a clean one he had picked up from the stash near the baby box, as the sleeping girl made a noise that melted his heart “I know, just… one more minute?”
“Ok” Eddie said, the reassuring pressure of his hand on his thigh slowly bringing him back down to earth enough to nod, and get out of the car. Eddie offered to take one of the girls from him, but he wasn’t ready to let go yet, even thought he knew that it was probably going to be less painful to give her to Eddie than to whoever was going to actually take them from him.
Someone from the station must have called to let the hospital know that they were on their way, because a doctor, a nurse, and a woman Buck guessed was from CPS were already there, waiting.
“Fireman Buckley, I presume?” Said the doctor, an older man, probably around Bobby’s age if not older, as he stretched out his arms for one of the babies.
Buck didn’t want to hand them over, he didn’t want to say goodbye.
“Firemen Buckley and Diaz, Doc.” Said Eddie, one hand coming to press on Buck’s lower back, telling him that he was there to catch him if he needed.
Eddie would always be there to catch him.
“Good, we can take the babies from you, mr. Buckley” continued the doctor “Then Mrs. Rosales here will take a statement, and you can go back to work.”
The doctor’s face was kind, he was probably a good person, but that didn’t make it any easier.
‘Will I…” Buck started, eyes moving back down to look at the girls “Can I call to check on them, later I mean, after you’re done examining them? I just want… I promised their mom I’d keep them safe and…”
The nurse stepped in then, a tiny woman around Buck’s age, and rested her hand on his arm “You can stay for the exam if you’d like. Right doctor?” She said, and the doctor nodded. “Sure, you might actually be able to answer a few questions for us, since you saw the mother.”
He eventually managed to hand Emma off to the nurse, but he kept Lacy in his arms.
Eddie’s hand never left Buck’s back as they moved to the corridor, and then into one of the exam rooms in it. It didn’t leave when the nurse put Emma down on the clear plastic bassinet, nor when Buck had to finally let go to Lacy too. It stayed there, strong and steady, keeping him up as his arms felt emptier than they had ever felt before.
He stood in the back of the room as the doctor worked on the girls, occasionally answering some questions, although there wasn’t much he could actually say.
The mother was young, probably white, Buck couldn’t tell for sure. She was small, and way too thin. She looked afraid. No, she didn’t look like an addict. Yes, she had surrendered the babies willingly. No, there wasn’t a birth certificate in the bag, he got the names from the blankets.
The blankets.
Buck had forgotten the blankets at the station.
They would need their blankets…
“We can drop them off by your office after our shift ends, right Mrs. Rosales?” Eddie said. Buck hadn’t realized he had said it out loud.
“Sure. I’ll leave you my card, fell free to stop by at any time before 6pm tonight, or after 8am tomorrow.” She said, and then the exam was over, and Buck had answered all of the question, and they needed to leave.
“Can I… Can I have a minute to say goodbye?” He asked, he knew that he probably sounded pathetic, his voice small, eyes fixated on the two girls who looked too tiny, too fragile, too delicate in their sterile plastic bassinets.
They shouldn’t be here, they should be in a warm pink room, with flowers stenciled on the walls and a night light projecting starts on the ceiling. They should be warm, and happy, and cared for. Buck’s heart couldn’t take the idea that he would leave them all alone in that room.
The doctor nodded, and everyone left, everyone but Eddie.
“Do you want me to go too?”
Did he?
Eddie looked up at him, big brown eyes meetings his, telling him that he would do whatever Buck needed, that no matter what, he would be there.
“No, no I… stay.”
Eddie nodded, and walked with Buck up to the girls, who were awake but calm, small eyes darting around the room as their small arms reached up.
Buck’s hand reached down, it looked too big next to Emma’s small face as his finger brushed over her soft cheek.
“I promised their mom I’d keep them safe.” He said, almost to himself. “She… oh God Eddie, you should have seen her” he continued, picking up Emma as he moved over to Lacy, who made an happy bubbly sound as he gave her his finger to hold, and she wrapped her small hand around it.
Buck was about to cry.
“She said that she wanted to see who she was giving them to, make sure they would be cared for.”
Buck bent down again, lips pressing on Emma’s forehead, and remained like that for a moment.
“I don’t want to let go of them, Eddie. I can’t. I can’t just leave them here, all alone.”
Eddie’s hand returned to it’s spot on his back, and probably it should have been weird, maybe it was, but there was nobody Buck wanted with him more in that moment. He thought that he probably should have wanted his boyfriend, but the image of Tommy only served to make his stomach turn. He could see him, standing there in the back of the room with his arms crossed — not close to him like Eddie, not warm and reassuring like Eddie — he could picture him with his usual bored face, telling him to stop being so soft and go back to doing his job.
”you’re not getting payed to cuddle babies, Evan.”
But Tommy wasn’t there, Eddie was, and Eddie was brushing a finger over Lacy’s cheek just like he had with Emma.
“They’re still so little. I’m sure they’ll get adopted in not time.”
“But what if they don’t? We have no information on the mother, that makes it harder. And twins in general are harder to place, less families want two babies in one go. What if they get separated? What if they end up in a bad family? Eddie, I— I can’t.” Buck’s eyes searched Eddie’s and found that the other man was already looking up at him.
“Buck…”
Telepathy. That’s how Chimney called it. Their freaky telepathy thing.
“I can though.” He said, just as Lacy let out a happy noise, and wiggled her arms, as if she understood him too. “I got certified as a foster parent a few years ago.” He said as his eyes left Eddie to look back down at the sleeping baby in his arms, tucked in close to him as if he was safe. “I watched Hen and Karen with their kids and, I don’t know, I thought I might like to do that too — help kids, you know? I thought that one day maybe I could do that too.” He said, and there was no other way this story ended, not really.
He knew then that there wasn’t a universe where he would go home and leave these two tiny, precious little things, there all alone, in that room that didn’t have enough love in it.
“Are you sure about this, Buck?” Eddie’s voice was soft, “children, they… they’re the most amazing thing in the world.” He continued, and between the haze of emotions that was clouding his mind, Buck was still able to pick up the sadness in his tone — he thought of Christopher, away in Texas, away from his father, not picking up his calls — and he shifted just enough to give his friend’s shoulder a little nudge he hoped showed that he was also there, just like Eddie was there for him.
“I wouldn’t give up being a father for anything, but I didn’t get a choice.” He added after a moment “You do.”
“I’m pretty sure the universe made that choice for me the moment I first held them.”
And then there was silence, broken only by the sound of four people breathing.
“Ok.” Eddie said, and when Buck looked at him again he found him smiling “Ok, let’s go see about making you a dad, then. Shall we?”
Buck could cry, or maybe he was already crying, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that the words had slotted in like another piece of the puzzle that was his heart.
He was a brother.
He was a friend.
He was an uncle.
He was a firefighter.
He was a boyfriend.
He was bisexual.
He was a dad.
Going to talk to the social worker involved putting down Emma, but this time as she left his arms, still asleep and contempt, he didn’t feel like he was leaving a piece of his soul with her.
Adopting a child is not how you see it in the movies, you don’t just walk into a building and come out with a kid. It takes weeks, months even. It takes home visits, supervised visits with the kids, so much paperwork, and so many hoops to jump through. It’s not something you do lightheartedly, and adopting as a single parent it’s even more complicated. But as the social worked explained this to him over a watery coffee and a dry muffin in the hospital cafeteria, all Buck could hear was that at the end of it — after he jumped through the hoops, and gotten past all of the barriers, obstacles and red tape — he would get to go home with Emma and Lacy, and that was all he needed to know to shake her hand with a big smile on his face.
“You mentioned that you have a partner, right Mr. Buckley?” Said Mrs. Rosales as she stood up from the plastic chair.
“Yes ma’am.”
“So I’m assuming this person will be part of the girl’s life.” He said, and only then did Buck release that she had been talking about his boyfriend, and he was talking about Eddie.
“Oh… I haven’t— I guess I should talk to him first.” He said, the image of Tommy, his often cruel smile and bitter jokes, crowded his mind “But I’m gonna say it’s a pretty safe guess that he won’t be.”
…
Buck had guessed right, and he was glad, because he knew that all it would take was one snarky comment from Tommy towards either of his babies to throw him out on his ass.
It was easier this way, letting him do all of the work.
It didn’t even take much convincing, all Buck had to do was tell him that a woman had surrendered a pair of twins to the station that morning, and Tommy could already guess where the conversation was going.
“Oh for fuck’s safe, let me guess, Saint Evan saw it as a sign?”
“Exactly.” He said, quietly sipping his red whine.
“Now, be serious. You can’t be a father.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re a child, Evan! I know you have daddy issues — trust me, I love them” God, he hated it when he talked like this. As he watched him wink Buck wondered how he could had been attracted to him “but let’s not let it get too far. Also, I don’t want children, so how about you be a good boy and call that social worker to tell her you changed you mind?”
He hated the way he smiled as he said that, he hated how his foot under the table started to creep up Buck’s leg.
“We can pretend through, if that’s something you’re into.”
And he really, really, hated how with him everything, always, lead back to sex.
Buck wanted to kick his leg off him and tell him how gross he found him, but instead finished his glass, set it back down, and leaned back on the chair.
“I don’t remember asking you to do this with me.”
Tommy laughed, but Buck didn’t.
“I’m your boyfriend, Evan. Did you forget?”
Buck wondered how life is when everything is either a joke or an innuendo.
“Not anymore” he said, finally pulling away his leg from the other’s touch “And my name is Buck.”
Tommy laughed as he picked up his jacket and left Buck’s loft, there was nothing of his he needed to take with him, no point where their lives had melted into each other, no strings to untangle as Tommy walked out, and away from Buck’s mind, muttering something about how he’s an “idiot kid, in way over his head”.
As Buck texted Eddie to tell him that Tommy wouldn’t be an issue in the adoption, he smiled thinking about how Lacy and Emma weren’t even officially his yet, but they were already making his life so much better.
Eddie didn’t text anything back. He simply showed up twenty minutes later with a six pack of beer and a knowing smile on his face.
“When I told my friends about Chris they got me drunk, how about we keep up with tradition?”
Eddie didn’t need an invitation to walk into Buck’s house. He smiled, pressed one of the beers to his chest, and then walked to the kitchen were he knew exactly where Buck kept his bottle opener “And we also have to celebrate you getting rid of that old rat you called a boyfriend,” he added, and for the first time since Tommy had shown up at his door, Buck laughed.
“Oh shut the fuck up, you were his friend first.”
Eddie shrugged as he opened his beer and reached over to the same with Buck’s “You’ve got to watch you language, you’re a father now. Children pick up anything you say, you know.”
“I reckon it’ll be a while before I need to worry about that” he smiled, clinking his beer with Eddie’s before taking a sip.
“Hey Eddie” he said eventually, leaning back against the fridge as Eddie took the opposite spot against the counter “I’m gonna be a father.” He said, unable to restrain the smile covering his lips.
“Yeah you are, man. Welcome to the club.”
Eddie’s smile was matching his, and so much of this felt right.
“You’re gonna have to buy a proper couch now.” Eddie added after a moment, eyes darting behind Buck, who as a way of replying gave him a playful slap on the chest.
“Fuck that, I’m gonna have to move. We can’t fit three people in this house.” He said, looking around his loft. It would be fine now that the girls were not even a week old — when he had gotten his certification he had explained to the social worker how the study shooting out from the living room could be turned into a room in a pinch, but once he’d decide to start fostering properly he’d look for a bigger place — this house wasn’t made for a toddler, let alone two. He looked at the rough brick walls they could get scratched on, the sharp countertops, the gaps in the stairs where they could trip and fall, the small step to the living area that they’d need to maneuver over. No, this wasn’t a house meant for a family. It was time to make good on his promise and find a good place to raise children in.
He would have a family of his own, that needed a house to match.
“You could always move in with me.”
As his eyes snapped back over to his friend he found him shrugging.
“I have space, way more space that I know what to do with.” He continued, Buck checked his beer to see if he had magically gotten drunk on one, but he wasn’t even halfway thought it. “And even if — when — even when Chris comes back home, we’ll still have two rooms that nobody is using.” He said, and sat down his beer so he could cross his arms over his chest.
There was something swirling in Buck’s chest, something deep, and powerful, something so close to love and yet he couldn’t put his finger on it. He knew what love felt like, he knew how it felt like to love his sister, his friends, Chris, he remembered what it was to love Abby, and then Taylor. This wasn’t it.
“I can’t ask you this.”
“you’re not asking, I’m offering” Eddie continued. “Think about it, it makes sense: You already practically live over at mine’s, all you would need to do is bring over the rest of your clothes and books.” He said, looking around the apartment — Buck had lived there for over six years, and somehow he didn’t add anything that wasn’t there the when he signed the lease, he had never felt the need to make that place his — “you could stop paying rent here and we’d split the mortgage on my house, so that’ll save us money, and trust me, with two children you’ll need way more than you can imagine now.” Eddie went on, and the more he listened, the more he found himself thinking how it all made so much sense.
It all clicked into place, easy as breathing.
“And to top it all off, I could help you with the babies.”
“Eddie…”
“Just listen to me,” Eddie raised his hand to stop him “sure, I wasn’t there when Chris was that little, so I don’t actually have first hand experience. But four hands are better than two, right? Especially with twins.”
“Eddie I can’t… you already have Chris.”
“You also have Chris”
“That’s not the same thing.”
“How is it not?” Eddie looked genuinely confused, and continued talking before Buck could reply.
“You’re my best friend, and you’re helping me raise my son — for fuck’s sake Buck you’re his guardian in case I die, “ Eddie laughed as he shook his head “anyways, this would be me paying you back for all of the years you helped me raise my son. Let me help you raise your daughters.” He said, and as Eddie looked up in his eyes, Buck felt another surge of that same strange feeling.
He imagined how his life could be, he imagined Chris coming home, and making breakfast for him and Eddie every morning. He imagined Eddie holding baby Emma and Lacy as he walked into the kitchen, all three of them still adorably cranky from having woken up early. He imagined their house, movie nights surrounded by children, he imagine complaining about the PTA to Eddie over beers at the end of the day. He imagined Lacy and Emma in Eddie’s house, he imagined them going up knowing something as big and loving as the Diazes could be. He could imagine it all, and most of all he could imagine how normal, how natural, how right it would feel. He imagined it, and once he had, just like that morning as he held the girls in his arms, he couldn’t imagine not having it.
“You’d really do that, for me?”
Eddie smiled, and as his hand squeezed Buck’s shoulder, and their eyes met, Buck knew that there was nobody he’d rather raise his children with.
“We got each other’s backs, don’t we?”
“Always.” Buck replied, and there was no force in the world that would stop him from pulling his best friend in for the tightest hug he’d ever given.
One week later Buck’s name had been added to the mortgage, and he had officially move in to Eddie’s spare room and they were busy remodeling the study into the girl’s nursery. They still needed to tell all of their friends, but he figured they’d drop it along with the news that Buck was adopting twins, you know, to soften the blow.
…
Buck had known there would be many challenges to this entire process.
Telling Gerard came with a colorful string of homophobic jokes, jabs at how he was getting “crack babies” and so many other insults that if he didn’t need to keep his job to get the girls he would have punched him in the face — and he still might have once the adoption was finalized, but thankfully Bobby managed to finally get reinstated as captain a few weeks into September, so he didn’t need to. — Telling his parents was possibly even worst, and something he did only with Maddie by his side to act like a mediator and keep him from slamming the computer closed in their faces and never speaking to them again.
They had to tell Christopher, obviously, first because CPS would need to interview him, but most importantly because this was a family matter — as Buck had put it, and watched something shine behind Eddie’s eyes as he did — and they wanted Chris to have a say. He didn’t take it well, but he didn’t take most things well lately, so they had tried to not have it hurt too much. And then he decided that that was the moment to tell his father that he would stay in El Paso for at least the fall semester, and Buck had spent the rest of the night holding Eddie as he cried on the couch.
Buck and Eddie had slept in the same bed before, they had shared Buck’s during quarantine, and the had fallen asleep together on the couch — both at work and at Eddie’s place — so many times. But that night, when the sky got dark, their backs started to hurt, and Eddie asked Buck to come to bed with him, Buck didn’t say no, it felt different, felt easy as breathing.
There was so much paperwork, so many phone calls, and interviews, so many questions poking and prodding at any aspect of his life.
He had social workers come into the station, show up at his house — well, Eddie’s house, their house now — unannounced, and turn over every singe corner of it.
They interviewed Abuela, Pepa, and Eddie’s family in El Paso, and obviously Christopher, who was a teenager, sure, but the Chris Buck knew was still in there somewhere because he didn’t say anything about Kim, and instead told the social worker just about how important Buck had been in his life growing up.
The day Chris got interviewed Buck and Eddie couldn’t be in the room, but Buck stood with his ear to the living room door anyways, and listened to the kid he had listed grow up into a young man tell stories about how Buck took him to the zoo anytime he asked, brought him countless books about any topic he had even the slightest interest in, and then listened to him talk about it until even Chris got sick of it. He told her how whenever anything happened with his dad, Buck was the first person he went to, and about how much of a role model he had been in his life — Buck had no idea. He always thought, deep down, that Eddie exaggerated when he told him he was family, but as he listened to Chris talk, he almost found himself believing it. And then Chris talked about the Tsunami.
Buck remembered that day clear as if it was yesterday, it didn’t show up in his nightmares as often as it had once, but it was still a constant presence, it was still what made him give Chris an extra tight hug whenever he said goodbye, and what had made him obsessively check any emergency report from El Paso all summer. Chris had been so little, he didn’t think he’d remember.
“Buck was a hero, he saved so many people that day…” he heard him say through the door and the computer screen “but I don’t think I understood that at the time. All I remember is the way Buck saved me, and then when I got lost I knew it would be ok because Buck was out there, saving people, and he’d never let anything bad happen to me. I had nightmares about it for a very long time after, but never about getting hurt myself, Buck was always there so I knew that I would be fine…”
Buck stopped listening then, and promised himself that whenever he was allowed to see Chris again, he would hug him so tight they’d need a crowbar to pry him off of the kid.
The hardest part about the whole process, however, was not getting to see Emma and Lacy.
Mrs. Rosales explained that they had been put in an emergency foster home, someone trusted, who she had given a lot of newborns to through the years, and she showed him pictures of the girls whenever they met, but it wasn’t enough. He was watching them grow from a screen, getting bigger every day. He knew he was missing milestone, so many firsts, and all he wanted was to hold his babies again. But once supervised visits started he discovered that that was even harder. He got to hold them, sure. He could bring them toys, cuddle them, and read them stories. He got to kiss their soft cheeks and listen to their baby laughs, but then he’d need to give them back to their foster family, and go home on his own.
Those nights it was his turn to ask Eddie to sleep with him.
And then, after two long months, it finally happened.
It was a Tuesday morning, he was flipping pancakes and telling Bobby about some dumb reality show he and Eddie had started watching following Chris’ suggestion (who had recently started talking to Eddie a bit more, things were still nowhere near good, but it was something at least.) when he got the call.
Bobby watched him puzzled as he closed the call, and let the ladle drop while wearing the biggest smile on his face, and then he got it.
“Oh, is it happening?”
Buck just nodded, too happy to speak, and Bobby had pulled him in for a hug.
“I’m so happy for you kiddo, congratulations.”
“Thanks Bobby, for everything.” he said eventually, only pulling back to turn off the stove once they realized that the batter was burning.
“You’re going to make a great father, Buck. I’m so proud of you.”
His biological parents had told him that he was making a huge mistake, but it didn’t matter, not in the way bobby’s words did.
“I get to take them home Friday.”
“Then Saturday you’re at our place” he smiled “I can’t wait to meet your girls”
Margaret and Philip Buckley could think whatever they wanted, they weren’t the grandparents that Buck wanted his girls to meet anyways.
When Friday finally arrived Eddie went with him to the court house, he took pictures as Buck, wearing his best suit, signed the papers that made Lacy and Emma officially his, and when Buck got to hold them, this time with no time limit, and with nobody he would need to give them back to, he turned to Eddie to find him smiling bright as the sun, his hands shaking slightly as he took a video.
“Look” Buck said, holding both girls as tight as he could in his arms and nodding towards the camera “thats Eddie, he’s you daddy’s bestest friend in the entire world. We’re going to go live with him now.” He said, and once he had kissed both of his daughters’ heads, he turned towards Eddie again and smiled, tears flowing down his cheek, and blew a kiss to the camera.
Many years later, when they were old, and the girls were off living their lives, they’d look back at this video, and Buck would argue that this counted as their first kiss.
…
Buck didn’t leave the twins’ side for twenty four hours once they got home. Whenever they weren’t sleeping he’d have them in his arms, it was like the weight of them was addictive, and every time he put them down all he could think of was when he’d get to hold them again.
In the constant anxiety of the last two months he and Eddie had done a complete makeover to what once was the studio, to the point where there was nothing left of the old room.
They had panted the walls a dusty pink that Jee had helped them pick up, and used a stencil to add yellow ducks and blue flowers in (somewhat) neat rows on it. They had picked out two cribs and spent a weekend trying to figure out how to build them before giving up and calling Bobby, who also gave up and called Athena. Hen and Karen and given them an old play rug that Danny and Mara — who was finally back with them, where she belonged — were too old for, and it now sat in between the cribs, ready for when his girls would be old enough to run cars over the drawn on streets, or play with dolls on it, or do whatever they wanted to, because the moment that that green quilted bag had been handed to him Buck had made a promise to God, the universe, whoever or whatever was in control of his life, that he would do all in his power to be the best father Lacy and Emma could dream of.
He had kept that bag, just like he had kept the two pink blankets where the girl’s names had been written in blue sharpie, and now it lived inside of their off-white closet, so that he could show it to them one day, and tell them about their mother.
When Eddie walked in with a bag overflowing with Thai takeout, Buck was busy holding Lacy — who was wearing a yellow footsie pajama handed down from one of Eddie’s cousins — and he was pointing at the painted ducks, giving them all names.
“Uhhh, Eddie got dinner” he cooed in the baby voice that he had not been able to shake off ever since that morning at the courthouse, and rubbing his nose on the baby’s cheek to make her laugh. “Do you want to come have dinner with daddy, baby Lacy?”
He watched as Eddie laughed fondly at the scene, and used his free hand to pick up Emma. “Tudaddy está loco, querida. Te lo digo, totalmente loco.” he said as the girl’s arm stretched out to grab hold of Eddie’s mustache. And now it was Buck’s turn to lough, that same feeling of — something — that crowded his chest every time he looked at Eddie flaring back up at the scene.
“Have we decided that this is a ‘one parent - one language’ household then?” Buck asked once Eddie had managed to free his facial hair from the baby’s grip, and they were walking to the kitchen, shoulder to shoulder.
“That’s how we did it with Chris.” He explained as he sat Emma down on her portable bassinet and he did the same with Lacy “I wasn’t there a lot, so it was mostly my parents doing it, but he speaks it so I say a win is a win.”
They never actually talked about it, what it would mean raising these girls together, they just did it. Buck was daddy, in charge of bedtime stories, in the splash zone during bath time, and who got up to feed them from 10pm to 2am, and Eddie was Eddie, who spoke Spanish, sang lullabies, and had the 2am to 6am shift, and they slept in the same bed to make keeping up with the shifts easier, to make everything easier. And then, once Eddie had to go back to work — because despite how wrong it felt to them, Buck was technical the only new parent there — Eddie was the one that got home after a shift and had dibs on cuddles and kisses for at least two hours, three on particularly hard days. They didn’t need to talk, it just worked, they had slotted in each other’s lives as if they had always meant to fit just right.
Easy as breathing.
Outside of their little bubble Bobby and Athena were over the moon, Bobby especially would find any and all excuse to invite them over, or come over to their house himself just so he could claim grandpa rights and give them both some time to breathe, which Buck would usually use to tidy up the house, and Eddie would use to call Chris.
Ever since the girls arrived home, Chris’ absence, already so painful on a normal day, had grown as big as it was the first few days of him being gone. Buck wanted to see him, to hug him, he wanted him to meet his girls. But most of all he just wanted him back here, with them, where he belonged. Eddie almost never talked about it with Buck, it was the only thing they didn’t talk about, when he called Chris he’d usually disappear in the kid’s room, and reemerge a few hours later, eyes red, and shoulders sagging. Those were the nights where Buck would take special care of him, he’d make him an extra fancy dinner, and they’d watch some telenovela that he couldn’t understand, but knew Eddie loved. Those were the nights where the mystery feeling in his chest would grow loud and insistent, and it would tell him to reach out and grab his hand, and Buck listened to it.
One night, deep into November, Buck walked in from getting Emma and Lacy down to sleep to find Eddie holding a picture of Chris and Shannon hugging next to the Christmas tree that Eddie had build in their front yard.
“Hey… everything ok” he asked, voice soft, just letting him know that he was there.
Eddie shook his head, his hands were shaking as he brushed his thumb over Chris’ small face “I feel like I fucked everything up, and I have no idea how to fix it” he sighed, and even that came out shaking.
Buck didn’t speak, he simply found his spot on the couch next to him and started rubbing his back, slow and steady, until Eddie finally relaxed under his touch.
“Do you think he’s not coming home because he thinks I replaced him?”
“Eddie what—“
“With the girls, I-I’m not sure he knows that I didn't replace him, that I could never replace him.”
Eddie let go of the picture and leaned into Buck’s chest, and then it was as natural as breathing for the other to wrap his arms around him and pull him closer “oh baby…” he whispered as his lips brushed the top of the other’s head, the pet name slipping out like it had always meant to belong to Eddie.
“What if he doesn’t want to come home for Christmas?” He said, the words coming out muffled by Buck’s shirt. “I don’t want to do Christmas without him, Buck. I don’t want to have a Christmas without my baby.” Eddie was crying, and all Buck could do was hold him, and pull him down on the couch with him.
“If he doesn’t want to come back here then you got to him.” He said.
Holding Eddie was easy as breathing.
“And if he doesn’t want me there?”
“Then you go anyways, and you show him that you’ll be there when he’s ready to let you back in.”
Natural as loving.
“I miss him so much. I miss him every day.” Eddie said, and all Buck could do was nod.
“I know sweetheart, I miss him too.”
“I want my baby back, I want us all to be a family again.”
Both Eddie and Buck had started talking about themselves a family at some point, neither of them was really sure when, but at some point in the process of Buck moving in and getting the house ready for the girls the house and become their house, and this had become their family, even if Buck was Daddy end Eddie was Eddie.
That night in bed Buck kept holding on to Eddie, took care of the girls anytime they cried, and then in the morning, once Eddie had left for work without grabbing his usual breakfast wrap, Buck did something he had never done all of the months that Chris had been away, and called him without Eddie.
At first he thought that the kid wouldn’t pickup, but then, when he had almost given up hope, Chris’ worries face popped up on the screen.
“Hey kiddo!” He said, even though he looked so much older now, so much more grown than the seven-year-old boy he had met all those years ago.
“Buck. Is dad… is he ok?”
The worry filling Chris’ words startled him. He looked at the kid, and found his eye’s searching Buck’s face for answers, for a reason why he was calling him, at 9am on a Saturday, and his dad wasn’t there.
“Yes — oh God yes, Chris, he’d fine, he’s just at work.” He said quickly, and immediately watched the tension melt from his shoulders. “I’m sorry I scared you.”
“You never call” was the kid’s only response.
In his defense Buck tried, he had tried calling all the time that first month Chris was away, but at some point he took the lack of reply as an answer, and stepped, decided to wait for him to be ready to call him himself — he took for granted that Chris knew he still wanted him to.
“I’m sorry, I’ve even stupid. Sometimes adults are stupid.” He said, and he watched Chris think for a second before nodding.
“You stopped calling because you’ve got real kids now?”
“No… Chris, no, never. I stopped calling because I thought you didn’t want me to. I never should have stoped until you picked up.”
Chris looked away for a moment, then shrugged “I didn’t, at first…” he said, and then after another pause added “but then I started missing you. Grandma and grandpa aren’t as good at listening as you and dad are.” He said, looking away from the screen and fidgeting with something Buck couldn’t see.
“I miss you too Chris, every day.” He said, wishing so badly that he could reach out and touch his cheek like he had done so many times “and your dad…”
“I don’t want to talk about dad” Chris said suddenly, still not looking at the camera.
“Can I know why?”
“He… I just don’t.”
“Talk to me, Chris. Come on.”
A long minute of silence stretches between them, and then Chris said something Buck wasn’t excepting “Can I see the babies?”
Buck knew that Eddie had sent him the video from their day in court, and a few pictures of Buck with the girls, but Chris had never seemed interested before.
“Sure, they’re sleeping now tough…” he said, as he stood up from the kitchen island and started making his way to the nursery.
“Oh, nevermind then, I don’t wan to wake them” he said, but Buck shook his head.
“I just meant that we’ll have to be quiet” he smiled at the kid, and then carefully entered he pink room. Chris, on the other side the call, was patiently waiting for Buck to move the camera.
“Here’s Lacy” he whispered as he flipped the camera around and showed the sleeping baby, three months old now, who was kicking her legs as she slept. “And this is her sister Emma.”
Chris was silent, and Buck let him look for a few minutes, before quietly leaving the room and closing the door behind him.
“They look so little… are they that little in real life?” Chris said once Buck turned the camera back around and walked back to the kitchen.
“Yes, they’re very tiny. We think that their mom was homeless, or living in some similarly unsafe situation, and so they probably didn't get enough nutriments as they were growing in her.” He explained.
“But they’re— they’re not sick, right?”
Buck smiled and shook his head “Not at all, just very little. The doctor said that with good food and lots of love and cuddles by the time they’re two years old you’ll never be able to tell than they were so small at birth.”
Chris nodded, taking in the information, and going back to fidgeting off screen.
“And dad, is he…”
“Your dad is just helping me, two kids are a lot when you’re on your own.” He said, once again wishing he could reach out and touch him, hold him close. “They’re my babies, like you your dad’s baby” he added.
“And we, I mean, me and you?”
Buck smiled, and when he couldn’t squeeze Chris he squeezed his phone “I’m your Buck, always.”
“So you didn’t adopt them with dad. He isn’t…”
“You dad misses you every single day, he hasn’t stopped missing you a minute ever since you left for El Paso.”
“He seemed so happy when he told me about the babies.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you. Chris, you’re his son, there’s nothing in this would that would make him stop missing you.”
Chris moved back in the frame, settling more conformably in bed, and Buck could finally see that he had been fidgeting with the a toy Dalmatian in a fireman’s hat. He knew that toy, it was the first thing Eddie had bought him when they go to Los Angeles, he had used it to explain him what his job would be from then on. Buck had no idea that he had brought it to El Paso with him.
“Come back home for Christmas, Chris.” He found himself saying, because he knew Eddie would never ask, no matter how desperate he was to see his son again. “This will be my first Christmas in this house, my first Christmas with my daughters, and you’re the only piece of the puzzle that’s missing.” He continued when the kid looked up, plushie still clothed in his hands. “Come home Chris, let’s have Christmas all together as a family.”
There was another long stretch of silence, and Buck watched Chris as he wrapped his arms around the plushie and hugged it to his chest, and then finally he said “ok.”
Buck felt like he could breathe again, it was the same way he had felt when he signed the adoptions papers and got to hold his daughters for the first time without the fear of someone taking them away form him.
“You know that I would love you even if you didn’t want to come back, right?”
Chris nodded. “I want to. I miss… I miss you guys.”
“And we miss you too, more than you can ever imagine, Kiddo.”
Chris told Eddie the next morning, he called as his father was walking through the door from the 24h shift, and Buck could swear as soon as he closed the call Eddie looked like he could do another 48 and not feel them.
“He’s coming home” was all he said, and then he was in Buck’s arms, holding on so tight it felt like Buck had been the one coming home.
“Our baby is coming back.” Eddie mumbled into Bucks’ chest.
Easy as berthing.
. . .
Chris arrived on December 17th, and after a long debate — mostly from Buck, Eddie never doubted his position — they decided that they would all go pick him up, the four of them.
Eddie had been there when Buck got his girls, so to Eddie It seemed only fair that Buck would be there when he got his boy back.
They moved like a well oiled machine, partners on and off shift, they didn’t need to talk to know that Buck would strap Emma to his chest, and then help Eddie with Lacy — because he could never figure out the right way to buckle the carrier — they already knew how to move, what to get, what they had in the car and what went in each diaper bag. They spoke without speaking and they moved like two people that were always meant to do this.
Easy as breathing.
They didn’t need to speak to knew that Buck would drive, and Eddie would sit next to him, picking just the right music so that the girls would not fuss too much.
They didn’t need to speak when they got to the terminal and Buck maneuvered the girls into the fancy twin stroller that Bobby had gotten them as an early Christmas gift, and Eddie ran to the arrivals gate to get them a good spot.
They didn’t need to speak when Chris arrived, and Buck watched Eddie rush over and hold on to his son like he was holding his only reason to be alive. And they didn’t need to speak when Eddie finally pulled back, and pulled Buck, stroller and all, into their hug, and then as the girls woke up, and started fussing, and Eddie quickly unbuckled them so they could join in properly on their reunion.
“Lacy, Emma” Buck said once they finally pulled apart, and Chris tried stealthily to conceal the tears that any self-respecting fourteen-year-old boy would wouldn’t be caught dead showing, “that’s your brother, Christopher.”
“Hi” Chris said, hand reaching over to touch Emma’s wobbly hand, as his father slotted behind him, holding on to his shoulders as if he still didn't believe he was there. “You’re even tinier then you looked on the phone” he laughed, eyes tilting up to meet Buck’s.
It was all easy as breathing.
And as Chris finally walked through the house door, he kick off his shoes the same way he always had, and headed to the kitchen asking what Buck had made for dinner, the last piece of the puzzle slotted in place over his heart.
Belonging was easy as breathing, when he was holding his daughters, and watching Eddie kiss his son’s head before telling him to go wash his hands and unpack, Buck was making lasagna.
Suddenly, with the noise of Chris’ crouches back in the house, and the wam weight of two sleeping girls in his arms, Buck looked at Eddie, and made sense of the feeling that he had tried to name this entire time. Finally the off-tune symphony playing in his chest quieted, and he could name it, the feeling he got every time that Eddie leaned against his shoulder, every time their legs touched wen watching a movie and neither of them moved, every time Buck was cooking dinner and Eddie was looking at him, smiling and leaning against the counter, every time he watched Eddie pick up one of his daughters and speak Spanish to them, every time he walked in on him bent over the crib, singing some made up song about how cute Emma’s belly was, or how much he loved Lacy’s button nose.
It wasn’t love, no, but that was only because love was too reductive. He looked at Eddie and love felt easy, mundane, he looked at Eddie and love didn’t even begin to describe it.
No, Buck looked at Eddie, and what he felt was Home.
Buck, the lost boy who never had a place where he felt like he belonged, had finally found a home, and turns out that this home wasn’t a city, or a house, or a job. No, Home was a person, a family. Home was Eddie. Home was Chris, and Emma, and Lacy. Home was the universe that they had created by existing in each other’s lives. Home was the way that Eddie opened the cabinet and said “Mi amor do you know where Carla put the baby formula? I swear we had two more things of it the last time I checked — oh wait, found it.” And the way that when Eddie looked back at him he, holding the unopened container, he knew, without Buck having to say a single world.
Home was the way he didn’t need to say anything, Eddie simply came up to him, kissed both of their daughters on their forehead, and then finally, as if they had been doing it this for years, as if it was as natural as breathing, kissed Buck.
…
TEN YEAR LATER
“Daddy! I can’t find my pink shoes!”
Lacy’s voice came barreling down the corridor.
“They’re at the door, Button” called back Buck, currently fighting for his life against a tie.
“Not those shoes! The pink ones with the ribbon!” Which was immediately followed by Emma echoing with “Daddy! If Lacy wears the shoes with the ribbon I want to wear them too!”
“Oh for F—“ mumbled, slipping off the tie and throwing it on the bed “I give up.” He said, and went out in the corridor right as Lacy screamed again. “Daddy!”
People talk a lot about the terrible two’s, and they’re right, but nobody tells you the hell that is raising two ten year old girls.
“Lacy, I’ll get you the shoes in a minute, we left them in the car — Emma, you love your sparky blue ones.” He said, catching the girl in his arms right before she crashed against his legs.
“I want to match with Lacy!”she whined, and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Isn’t it better that you both wear the shoes you like best?” He asked, and while this girl might not be biologically related to Eddie but she sure got his stubbornness, so he wasn’t surprised when she shook her head.
“Ok, fine. Let’s all change shoes.” He gave in, because he always did in the end, and put Emma back down. “But girls, we have to be super quick, Papa and Chris are already on their way to Bobby’s.” He said, resigning himself to a losing battle.
“Daddy, my shoes!” Lacy was wearing a tutu over pink jeans and a t-shirt from the surfing day-camp she and Emma had gone to in Malibu that summer.
“Baby, you can’t go out like that, you’re going to be cold” he said, moving his attention from Emma to Lacy.
“I want to.”
Buck had started to gray, and honestly, he didn’t really have many doubts as to why.
“At least wear a sweater over it? You have that super cute one auntie Maddie got you, the one with the snowflakes?” He asked, and begged any saint, entity, and pagan divinity he could think of that she would listen to him, and he would have to pick between having his daughters get pneumonia — because if Lacy didn’t wear a sweater neither would Emma — or wrestle them into one.
“I bet auntie Maddie would be super happy to see you in the sweater she bought you, so happy that she might sneak you a piece of cake before dinner” he winked, it’s not like Maddie would need an excuse to spoil them anyways.
Lacy thought for a moment, and if he wasn’t so exhausted he’d cover her in kisses because her thinking face was the exact same as Eddie’s, and then finally nodded.
“Ok. But I want to wear my blue shoes then.” She said, disappearing back into her room, a room that Buck would wait for Eddie to come home to check the damage done by having his daughter pick an outfit for Bobby’s Christmas party unsupervised.
“I also want to wear the blue shoes and auntie Maddie’s sweater!”
They needed to get a new house, with thicker walls.
“Ok baby.” He said, to no girl in particular.
Once he finally managed to get them fully dressed, in the car, and to Bobby and Athena’s, he was only forty minutes late, a personal record.
Inside the girls went straight to Chris, tackling him into one of their crushing hugs which — since he was in the middle of talking to Danny — caught him off guard, and almost felt him flying down on the snacks table.
“Girls! Slow down!” He said in vain and turned to find Eddie, laughing, and handing him a glass of water.
“Next year I’m going to get Chris at the airport, and you’re getting them ready” he said, and in reply Eddie kissed him
“Not.”
A kiss.
“A.”
Another kiss.
“Chance.”
One last kiss.
“You’re the worst, why did I ever marry you?” Buck joked, rolling his eyes as Eddie fixed the neck of his shirt and then brushed his fingers over it.
“Because you love me?”
“Yeah, yeah…” Buck smiled, and it won him another kiss.
Meanwhile the girls had moved on to show Maddie their sweaters, twirling in some kind of rehearsed dance he had no idea when had been choreographed, only to be interrupted by Bobby scooping them up and kissing both of the cheeks.
Buck thought back at the kid he had been art nineteen. Alone, just Maddie’s old jeep and a duffle bag of stuff, and as his eyes moved over the room, and he took in all of it: the way Eddie made a big show of complimenting there daughter’s outfits, Chris’ laugh as he talked with Danny, Maddie fixing Jee’s hair and kissing her forehead before joining Chimney who was talking with Hen and Karen, May and her husband Tom listening to Mara explain the research project she had just started working on, he wished he could send him a message.
He wished that he could show him Bobby’s smile as he waved him over with a “come on, kid. Food’s getting cold” and tell him that he’d find a home one day, and when he did, it would feel easy as breathing.