Work Text:
“Are you alright?”
Chan knows he means well, but tonight Hyunjin’s question feels like a stab right to his guts.
“Of course,” he says through his teeth, despite knowing his lie won’t go too far. Chan bats his eyelids, fighting the prickling tears that are threatening to spill down his cheeks. It’s good luck that he’s already in bed, lying on his side with his back to Hyunjin, hiding his face and giving him a chance to ride this lowly wave without bothering his boyfriend.
It’ll pass, just like the other times did.
“You sure?” Hyunjin presses, settling behind Chan and big-spooning him. He throws an arm over Chan’s side, tucking his hand right under his ribcage, and places a kiss on his bare shoulder.
“Yeah.” Chan’s voice is definitely an octave higher than it should be and he curses himself internally. He really doesn’t want to talk about it, or else he’ll start bawling his eyes out trying to explain something he doesn’t really understand.
For a moment, it seems that he’s fooled Hyunjin.
“I’m glad you’re alright then.”
This would be the moment when Huynjin turns off the lights, they kiss each other good night and fall asleep, but Hyunjin doesn’t move from where he’s lying right behind Chan.
“I’m glad you’re alright because…” Hyunjin says right when Chan was about to question the unusual behavior, effectively stopping him on his tracks. “Well, simply because you deserve being alright.”
Oh, no.
Chan knows his boyfriend well enough to know that he’s about to receive a very unwelcome, very unneeded, very undeserved pep talk that will definitely make him cry.
Because, here’s the thing, Chan does not currently think that any of the words that are about to come out of Huynjin’s mouth are true. Not a single one of them. Other days, when he’s feeling better, he might agree with some or politely decline others with just a giggle and a blush. Today, however, is not one of those days. Today, who knows why, is not a good day and, therefore, the only thing Chan deserves is to carve a hole in the ground and bury himself there until the world forgets about him.
“You deserve more than being alright, you deserve being happy .” It doesn’t take more than that to get Chan crying, because that’s not right, that can’t be right, and the fact that he’s got his precious Hyune sacrificing sleep time to tell him things he should believe in isn’t right either. He sniffs, feeling the tears fall on his pillow and making it wet. “You deserve all the happiness and the love in the world, even if the evil little voices in your head tell you otherwise.” Damn, Hyunjin knows him infuriatingly well. “Mostly because you’re more than a decent human being, and that should be enough to deserve happiness and love.”
Chan lets out a wet chuckle. “The bar is low,” he jokes, his voice sounding strangled.
“I mean, aren’t happiness and love part of the Human Rights Act?”
“Uhm…” Hyunjin uses the few seconds Chan takes to reply to place a soft kiss on his nape. “In a way, I guess…? I think marriage and family are on the list…”
“Uh… I guess I’ll take it for now,” Hyunjin says. He’s taken the hand out from under Chan and has started running his fingers up and down Chan’s arm. Tears have stopped momentarily, giving him a small and welcome reprieve. “I’d say that, if every human being is entitled to a very narrow-minded conception of love and happiness, then someone who is a really, really good boyfriend, a loving son and sibling, a dedicated worker, a generous neighbor, someone who pays their taxes dutifully, cleans after himself, offers his help even when it’s not needed,... I don’t know, I’d say someone like that surely deserves being loved and cherished, wouldn’t you?”
“Hypothetically speaking.” Chan knows he’s talking about him, but taking it as if he’s not helps him keep the tears at bay. He knows Hyunjin is trying to convince him of something he doesn’t agree with, and it would be so nice to change his mind this easily, but that’s not happening. Instead, he lets his thoughts come out. “But how do you know this person is doing all that just because that’s the way he is, and not because he’s compensating for other messed up stuff?”
“Other messed up stuff? Doubt that, but enlighten me.”
“Well…” Chan bites the inside of his cheek. He’s not supposed to voice the answer to that question. Saying that he might be doing most of that to trick people into liking him would definitely blow the façade he’s carefully built over the years. “I don’t know,” he finally says, his voice small and feeling like a coward.
“I’m sure that he’s fine, as long as this person hasn’t actively and knowingly harmed anyone…” Hyunjin gives Chan the opportunity to tell him otherwise. Chan shrugs non-committedly, not ready yet to acknowledge that Hyunjin might be onto something. “Then I bet he’s fine and very much deserving of all the love anyone is willing to give him and even more.”
Hyunjin places another kiss on his shoulder and tightens his embrace, spreading warmth all over Chan. He feels a little bit more settled, but he doubts he’ll be able to fall asleep yet, remnants of guilt and self-hatred tugging at his insides.
“Imagine,” Hyunjin says after they’ve been lying in silence for a few minutes. “if this man, despite all the good he does around him, still thinks he’s undeserving of love.”
Chan bites down on his lip, his face contorting into something awful. Hyunjin has put his finger right in the sore spot, rendering Chan completely unable to keep all the hurtful feelings inside, hidden from his way out of his league, perfect boyfriend.
“But ‘m not,” Chan finally crumbles down, pitiful sobs making his body jerk. “‘m not, Huynjin-ah, how could I ever be?” He knows he shouldn’t be saying all this, he knows he’s breaking Hyunjin’s heart by voicing these thoughts, but he can’t help it, the dam has been broken and he’s incapable to stop it. “I don’t deserve you, any of you, especially you…”
Hyunjin tuts softly and manhandles him so they’re facing each other. A quick look at his pained face is enough to send Chan into another sobbing fit. He should leave, let Hyunjin be and enjoy his life instead of torturing him with a pathetic cry for attention, but he can’t because Hyunjin tucks Chan’s head in his chest, kissing the crown of his head and locking him in a tight embrace.
“You deserve all of us, Channie… I promise you do,” Hyunjin says. The words make it to Chan’s mind, but once there, they fight a losing battle. “You’re so loving, you care so much about us all the time… I don’t know, you always welcome everyone with open arms, you have the best advice and the worst dad jokes, which - and I’ll deny I said this - I love, and you have the best ass I’ve ever seen.” Chan snorts, caught off guard, and his sobs turn into small hiccups. He’s far from being calmed down yet though, so Huynjin keeps going. “It’s both the things that you do and the things that you are. You’re kind, funny and attentive. You also have a temper, but you always come back, apologize and do better the next time. If only you could see how rare that is… You remember all of my favorites and give the best birthday presents ever, and, oh! There’s also the tongue-in-cheek thing that you do when I tease you? Very sexy of you, mister, I hope you’re aware of the power you wield.” Hyunjin pinches him playfully. By now, there’s a hopeful teeny tiny voice in Chan fighting to be heard. It’s saying that maybe, after all, Hyunjin does love him and that he deserves such love. “I love that you’re masculine in a very non-toxic way. Hot as fuck, if you ask me. I love your mouth, all of it, lips, tongue and teeth, the way it moves, the way it smiles, the words and the voice that come out of it. The way it kisses, whether it is softly, chastely or like you’re about to eat me alive. Oh, and, the way it makes me orgasm…!” Chan blushes violently at that, like they haven’t been engaging in such activities for a couple of years now. “Yeah, excellent mouth, ten out of ten would recommend.”
“I love yours too,” Chan mumbles, trying to redirect all the attention that’s currently on him. He’s stopped crying, soothed by Hyunjin’s voice and his endless caresses.
“I bet you do,” Hyunjin says. “I, myself, am also a very good blowjobber,” he adds very proudly.
Chan chuckles and lifts his head from Hyunjin’s chest to look at him. He’s got a proud smirk going on, but under that there is a bit of concern, like he’s evaluating Chan.
“I’m sorry,” Chan says, his lower lip wobbling and tears threatening to appear again.
“Whatever for, love?” Hyunjin’s smile turns too soft for Chan to bear looking directly at it.
“For being like this,” he manages to get out as he hides himself again in Hyunjin’s chest, where he’s created a wet pool of tears and snot that he chooses to ignore for now.
“You shouldn’t be sorry for this, Chan.” Hyunjin places his lips on the top of his head. It’s not a kiss, he’s just in contact with Chan, humming in thought. Eventually, he withdraws and Chan can’t help but miss it. “I’m sorry that people made you believe you’re undeserving of love, because you’re not. You’re perfect, I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, and whoever even suggests otherwise is wrong. It’s not your fault that people failed to see how beautiful you are, I hope you know that.” Another kiss to his hair. Chan’s crying again, but this time feels slightly healing. He’ll be okay because he has Hyunjin on his side. He knew that already, he just forgot it for a moment there.
“I love you, Hyune,” he mumbles.
“I love you too, Channie.”
They stay like that, Chan resting his head on Hyunjin’s chest, while the last few tears are shed. It’s been draining and Chan thinks he could fall asleep at any moment, if it weren’t for his now completely blocked nose.
“Do we have tissues?” he twangs.
Hyunjin nods and stretches out to grab a box of tissues that’s sitting on his nightstand, offering it to Chan who gladly takes a bunch of them and blows his nose noisily.
“Just like the old man that you are,” Hyunjin quips, a blinding smile on his face.
“Hey! I thought you loved me,” Chan whines, swatting him on the chest.
“And I do love you, you’re my sweet old man.” Hyunjin places a kiss on Chan’s nose, who rolls his eyes.
“I made a mess of your shirt,” he says, choosing to let the snarky comment slide. “Sorry… Do you want me to grab you a clean one?” Chan starts to get up but Hyunjin stops him with a gentle hand on his arm.
“Don’t worry, I’ll just take it off.” Hyunjin does as he said. Once settled again, he pulls Chan back into his arms. “If this was your way of getting me naked, you could’ve just asked, you know,” he teases.
Chan pretends to have been caught and plays into the joke. They banter for a while, flirting and giving each other loving kisses here and there until the conversation fades away and Hyunjin finally turns off the lights. Chan feels much better now and it’s thanks to Hyunjin. He knows there’s still a lot of work to do, more bad days like this one waiting for him down the line, but he’ll get there. He’ll get there because he has Hyunjin on his side.
“I love you,” Chan says once more before finally falling asleep.