Chapter Text
I’m Half Doomed and You’re Semi-Sweet (What a Match)
/ / /
Eddie takes another sip of his beer, trying and failing to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks, which is getting darker by the minute.
“Oh! What about this guy Eddie?”
Chimney shoves Eddie's phone into his face.
He gave up trying to get it back a while ago, not long after Buck and Hen snatched it to make him a dating profile.
They'd been bugging him about it for days and Eddie finally slipped, agreeing to be set up which they took as permission to make him a dating profile on some app Eddie had no intention of ever using.
“He's a baker and Olympic weightlifter!”
Eddie didn't see the point of using dating apps. Everyone always seemed to be pretending to be something they're not–if the stories Buck used to tell are anything to go by.
Besides, Eddie had already met someone.
Granted he’s known that someone for nearly seven years, have been raising a son together and have technically lived together off and on over the years as well.
Oh.
And they have no idea about Eddie’s feelings towards them.
Any by They Eddie means Buck .
Hen grabs the phone to look, saving Eddie from having to respond.
While Hen reads, sandwiched between Buck and Karen, Eddie glances around the table.
They’re all gathered at Bobby and Athena’s for a BBQ.
Maddie and Chimney with little Jee.
Hen and Karen with Denny and Mara.
Ravi’s here as well which is nice. He hasn’t been to too many of their 118 get-togethers and Eddie’s more than happy to admit that he’s a welcome addition to their little family.
Karen reads over Hen’s shoulder, scrunching her nose at Maddie, a silent conversation passing between them.
Eddie's relatively confident that at least Hen, Karen, and Maddie know he's in love with Buck.
He’s done his best not to let his feelings for his best friend be too obvious, but if anyone was going to figure it out, it would be those three.
Knowing that they likely know about his feelings however, Eddie can't help but secretly hope that one day one of them will tell him to go to this restaurant on this day at this time and find Buck waiting for him.
In your dreams Diaz
Buck leans over Hen’s shoulder to look, frowning at what he sees.
“I mean, he's not terrible…” Buck says, looking up to glance at Eddie and give a small shake of his head.
“He's a baker, weightlifter and he has a snake –NEXT!” Hen declares in a tone that is not to be questioned.
Snakes are definitely a deal breaker.
Before Chimney can defend his choice, Buck pipes up.
“Yeah there's only one kind of snake Eddie likes,” he says with a cheeky grin.
It takes a second but the moment Eddie catches Buck's meaning he's standing up faster than should be possible, chair scraping across the deck.
Sex jokes have always made him uncomfortable.
It's the Catholicism.
“Who needs another drink? Nobody, just me?” Eddie asks, laughing nervously.
And his parents.
He's working on it.
Eddie all but runs into Bobby and Athena's new kitchen, after shooting Buck a glare, his face going even hotter.
This new house has a more open layout, meaning there's not really a place for Eddie to hide in the kitchen, or anywhere really, so instead of grabbing a beer he changes course and makes a beeline for the bathroom.
He can probably hide in there for a few minutes before anyone gets suspicious.
Looking in the mirror, Eddie sees just how red his face is and he groans, annoyed with himself for letting all of this get to him.
But having a Gay crisis in your 30s is embarrassing and frustrating, despite how light and free it's made Eddie feel.
And how does it feel now, sharing this part of you with your friends and family?
It's hard to unlearn a lifetime of repression and shame, however.
And while Eddie doesn't think his parents did everything that happened during his childhood on purpose, he knows they still meant a lot of it.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Edmundo.
Most of it.
No son of mine is going to–
Meanwhile, his very well-meaning, supportive friends who love him and accept him for who he is, are helping him try to undo all of that and it leaves Eddie feeling loved and embarrassed all at the same time.
And it doesn't help that he's in love with one of those friends who keeps making sex jokes that make Eddie imagine things he should go to Confession just for thinking.
“I never should have come out,” Eddie laughs to himself.
He won't go to Confession of course.
Hasn't been to Confession in years.
Instead, he'll talk to Frank.
Explaining this whole evening to Frank will be awful but at least he's not going to make Eddie feel guilty for imaging how big Buck’s–
Nope
Frank spent most of his summer helping Eddie come to terms with three very important things:
- Christopher can't stop hating him if Eddie doesn't stop hating himself
- He is a very catholic, very repressed, Very Gay man
- It's important to do things that make you happy
And if Eddie's being honest, he still hates himself.
A little.
And Christopher still hates him a little bit too.
But he's back in LA and they're both working hard on getting to a place they both want to be in.
Eddie also does things he likes more.
Things that are his.
Not his and Christopher's or his and Buck's.
Just Eddie's.
It doesn't have to be something big like skydiving.
So he goes to the record store twice a month and the comic book shop once a week, doing the things he wanted to do as a teen but never got too.
I want you to try something smaller, something you can do at least a few times a month.
And then there's the rainbow elephant in the room.
What would you like to discuss today, Eddie?
The very very very large gay elephant that Eddie's somehow kept in a very small closet his whole life.
Just because you've been in one place for a while doesn't mean you have to stay there.
It's been there ever since he kissed Marcus Williams Sophomore year of high school.
Eddie! See you at practice later?
Same week he threw his CDs and soccer cleats into the back of his closet and asked Shannon out.
I'd really like that, Eddie.
That session had been a lot.
You're not 15 anymore Eddie. You did what you had to do to protect yourself but I think if you wanted to stay in that place we wouldn't be talking about it now.
And the next several sessions consisted of Frank telling Eddie he could come out in his own time, but also encouraging him to come out to someone so he could have the support system he's been looking for since that kiss.
You don't need to do this on your own.
Need was the word Frank used.
I told them yesterday. During Bobby's Welcome Back lunch. It was…not as bad as I thought…
It took less time than Eddie thought it would to come out and Frank practically hugged him when Eddie walked in one week and said that he had told Christopher and his family at the 118.
And what did Buck say?
Buck.
I'm so proud of you.
Buck had hugged him so tight Eddie had actually cried.
This doesn't change a thing.
He didn't let Buck go.
Thank you.
Not for a long time.
I've got your back, remember?
By the time Buck let go Eddie had resized two things.
- He liked how small and safe he felt in Buck's arms
- And he was very very very very much in love with his best friend
Looking at his watch, Eddie realizes he's spent far too much time in the bathroom so he splashes his face with cold water and then heads for the kitchen.
He finds Bobby there, clearly waiting for him.
“I can tell them to stop if you want.”
Eddie laughs, opening the fridge and reaching for a beer.
“Nah. Let them get it out of their system so they'll get bored and leave me alone.”
Bobby gives him a look and they both laugh.
As if they'll ever quit.
Bobby's laugh dies down and he gets this soft look in his eyes before grabbing Eddie by the shoulder and pulling him into a hug.
“I'm not sure I've said it yet but I'm really proud of you Eddie, I hope you know that.”
And if Eddie tears up just a little as Bobby hugs him, that's between them.
His parents were never going to be fully supportive, but having Bobby's support meant more to Eddie than he could probably ever tell him.
“I better get back out there and see if they've set me up with someone yet.”
Bobby chuckles, turning towards the fridge, pulling out some sparkling soda.
“When I left they had three options for you and Buck was getting to have the final say.”
That makes Eddie let out this weird half-groan-half laugh that causes Bobby to snort and shake his head.
Finishing the beer Eddie came in to get, he grabbed another one for good measure.
He's gonna need it if the best friend he's in love with sets him up on a date with someone from Tinder.
“There he is!”
Chimney's overly enthusiastic voice tells Eddie that he should have run when he had the chance.
“Come look at the fine men of LA we've selected for you, Diaz!”
Maybe he can fake a Christopher emergency.
Hen smacks Chimney's arm ignoring his indignant Hey!
“Ignore him, Eddie. He just wants to play matchmaker since things didn't work out with Buck and Tommy.”
Chimney had been rather proud, somehow claiming he brought Buck and Tommy together when everyone else agreed that if it was anyone, it was Hen.
Details Chimney would shrug.
But with Buck and Tommy calling it off 17 days ago (not that Eddie's been counting) Chimney's set his sights on his newly out friend to redeem himself.
I broke up with Tommy.
If Buck and Tommy broke up 4 days after Eddie came out, that's also just a coincidence.
He didn't seem surprised.
One that Eddie refuses to look at too closely because the last thing he needs right now is something that looks like it maybe could be hope and love and joy hiding in a trenchcoat and–
“You know Chim, you might actually be more upset about my break up than I am,” Buck smirks.
What do you mean you guys broke up?!
As far as breakups go Buck has taken this one the easiest by far.
Dude, seriously, I'm fine.
Maybe because he's the one who broke it off.
It just wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want to keep dragging it out.
But still.
Trying to get them back on track, despite putting the attention once again on himself, Eddie closes the distance between himself and the table, coming to stand next to Buck.
“I heard something about my so-called friends picking up guys on Tinder for me?”
His chair next to Buck is still free but when Eddie moves to take a seat Buck pulls Eddie down to sit in his lap instead.
“ Out. We're picking Out guys on Tinder for you.”
Buck wraps an arm around Eddie's waist as if to keep him from running.
Which Eddie very much doesn't want to do but he knows he would if Buck wasn't holding him in place.
“We can go to a bar next week and work on your pick Up skills, Diaz,” Buck says with a smirk.
“I even know just the place.”
Eddie nods, refusing to look Buck in the eye.
He's pretty sure you can see his blush from space right now.
In addition to avoiding Buck's gaze, Eddie also absolutely refuses to make eye contact with anyone else at the table but he can feel them all watching him nevertheless.
Buck doesn't seem to notice, scrolling through the Tinder profile he and Hen made Eddie trying to show him how it works.
It's hard to focus though, with Buck's warmth against him and despite knowing he'll regret it, Eddie chances a look at the rest of the table.
Bobby and Athena share amused smiles, Chimney looks smug while Ravi looks confused.
Maddie has a rather intense look in her eyes while Hen and Karen look like they’re on their last work day before a month-long vacation.
An arm tightens around Eddie's waist.
“Eddie, I need you to focus.”
Eddie's eyes snap to Buck and then down to his phone.
Buck has a profile pulled up.
It's just, some guy.
Decent enough looking. Brown hair, green eyes, smiling in all 12 of his pictures.
That seems excessive given that each picture looks exactly the same.
Blake, 37, Gay
High School teacher
2 dogs, 1 cat
Likes to hike and surf
Hates danishes and sparkling water
“What kind of psychopath hates danishes?”
The whole table laughs, and Eddie tries to ignore the way Buck's arm around him tightens for just a moment.
“Must like bakery items, got it,” Buck says with a smile that would send Eddie to his knees if he weren't sitting in Buck's lap.
“What about Kyle?” Chimney asks excitedly.
“I have a good feeling about him.”
Buck huffs and swipes a few times before stopping in a new profile.
Tall, blonde, blue eyes.
Looks a little too much like the best friend he's in love with.
Eddie looks at the first picture featuring Kyle holding up a rock that Buck could probably tell him all about and then looks at the profile information.
Kyle, 29, Bi
Gym Owner
1 dog
Likes to rock hound and camp
Hates video games, reading
“Why the fuck is he even an option?”
That makes everyone cackle, including Chimney.
“We're trying to find your type right? So is there anything you like about this guy?”
Eddie opens his mouth to answer and then stops.
It's a trap, he thinks.
Not that that's stopping him thanks to the 4 beers he's had already
“He's decent enough looking… I guess.”
Buck's arm tightens around his waist– He really needs to stop doing that– and everyone shares a knowing look with one another.
Dread starts to creep into Eddie's gut but he does his best to ignore it.
“Okay, what about this next–”
Eddie's phone rings, Christopher's face lighting up the screen.
Thank god
Eddie grabs the phone, answering before Buck can, practically leaping out of Buck's lap.
“Hey, buddy! What's up?
_________________________
Christopher's ‘emergency’ turned out to be wanting to go to a friend's house for a gaming tournament that's definitely not a sleepover Dad but it still got Eddie out from the prying eyes of the 118, so he’ll take what he can get.
Buck drives him home and together they pick up Christopher and drop him off.
It's only once they're back at Eddie's that he decides he's hungry and wants burgers from that place they passed on the way home.
Twice
Buck just rolls his eyes at him and grabs the keys, heading out the door with a smile and a wave before Eddie can even get off the couch.
Eddie laughs quietly, shaking his head.
He really didn't want to get back in the car and Buck just knew –because of course he did–and he left without even asking if Eddie wanted to come or even what he wanted.
You get the same thing every time and you always steal my fries.
The boredom sets in pretty quickly however and there's nothing on Netflix or Hulu that Eddie wants to watch without Buck so he turns the TV off and opens up his phone.
And there's nothing interesting there either except…
Except that stupid dating app he didn't even want.
Eddie's not even sure what Hen and Buck put in his profile and he reasons that he should probably make sure it's actually not terrible and embarrassing.
Eddie's opens the app before he can think about it too hard.
It takes him a few seconds to orient himself within the app and to find his profile.
Eddie notices that he has a few messages already which makes his stomach turn with anxiety.
That's a different problem for a different day, Diaz.
Moving his attention back to his profile Eddie feels…complicated about what Hen and Buck have written.
Eddie, 32, Gay
Firefighter
Dad
Loves movie nights, and basketball. Hates cooking.
Eddie huffs out a laugh.
Of course, Buck would include his supposed hatred of cooking.
He really doesn't mind cooking.
Buck's just better at it and it's hard to concentrate around Buck so Eddie tends to burn things around him more.
I swear you could burn water Eds.
Oh, he has!
Christopher!
Eddie smiles at the memory and scrolls through the photos next.
His profile photo is one Buck took. He's laughing at some joke either Buck or Christopher made during their last trip to the planetarium before Chris went to Texas.
Eddie looks happier than he should in that photo, given the Kim of it all that was happening at the time.
Buck doesn't know about that though–doesn't know quite how long Kim was in his life–so Eddie can't blame him for picking this photo.
The next is one of Eddie in his dress uniform at the medal ceremony.
Buck's cropped himself out and Eddie wishes he hadn't.
The one after that is Eddie sitting on the couch, getting ready to throw popcorn at Christopher who's holding the camera.
This one Chris took shortly after he came home.
It gave Eddie hope that they could find a new, happy normal for them
And finally, there's a photo of Eddie after one of his bi-weekly basketball games.
He's sweaty and smiling and he guesses Buck chose this photo for a reason that he can't quite bring himself to think about.
Not wanting to think about the photo too hard leads Eddie to swiping through profiles.
He figures at least this way he doesn't have to lie when Chimney asks if he's found anyone he's interested in.
Or when Hen asks if he ever looked at it.
Eddie very quickly figures out Tinder isn't for him.
He hardly concentrates more than a second on a profile before swiping left.
No
No
Definitely not
Nope
Not in a million years
Why would you
Nope
No
wtf–NO
No
No—
Eddie's about to swipe left again when he sees a pair of familiar blue eyes
Buck's smiling in the selfie and when Eddie looks harder he can see the blurry almost completely out-of-frame figures of Christopher and himself.
And that makes that complicated feeling Eddie can't name come back in full force.
He's almost afraid to swipe through the rest of the photos.
But the next one is from a camping trip Buck made Eddie tag along on while Chris was in Texas.
And the next is from the medal ceremony. Eddie's arm just barely visible.
There's one of Buck with the engine, polishing it and Eddie can't help but think he's the one that took the photo.
You gonna help me or not, Eds?
There's a few more photos that Eddie quickly swipes through, trying not to think too hard about why Buck chose them.
And then he's back to looking at what little he can see of Buck's profile and maybe he's not thinking, or maybe he is thinking but it's still a reckless thought and then he's swiping right, his heart pounding in his chest not quite knowing what to expect and then–
The front door opens and Eddie scrambles to hide his phone.
Throwing it to the armchair across the room, Eddie prays for it to fall beneath the cushion.
“Okay I know you like stealing my fries but I got two extra large ones this time so you better keep your thieving fingers to yourself tonight Diaz.”
Eddie doesn't say anything, still reeling from almost getting caught, but Buck's too busy setting the food down and getting them each a beer to notice and Eddie had the sense to start taking the food out of the bag when Buck walks back into the living room.
“Have you been sitting here in the quiet this whole time while I was gone?”
Eddie can hear the amusement in Buck's voice and he tries to match it.
“Couldn't find anything to watch you wouldn't yell at me for watching without you.”
Buck almost seems embarrassed by the comment but before he can say anything Eddie quickly intervenes.
“I'm only in the mood for that mystery show you got me hooked on and on I want you around when it turns out I'm right about who the murderers are.”
Buck rolls his eyes grabbing a bag of fries.
“I was right the first two seasons and I'll be right this season too,” he smirks.
And Eddie has this overwhelming urge to kiss that stupid smirk right off Buck's stupid face.
Instead, he says:
“In your dreams, Buckley.”
The rest of the night is like any other night.
Buck's right about who the murderers are, and Eddie resigns himself to doing the dishes for the next week.
After that, they start a movie in which Buck predictably falls asleep halfway through, and after Eddie covers him with a blanket he finally retrieves his phone from where it fell under the armchair.
Eddie closes the blinds and makes sure the front door is locked before starting to turn off the lights.
The lamp next to the couch creates a warm glow around the room–
Around Buck
And before he can stop himself, Eddie snaps a picture.
This could be enough, he thinks.
Having this life with Buck.
The one they've had for years.
Just because Eddie wants more doesn't mean they can't still have this.
It's you, and me, and Chris, Eds–always.
Unless, his traitorous mind thinks.
Unless Buck finds someone else.
Climbing into bed, Eddie bites his lip, thinking about Buck's profile.
He wouldn't have one if he weren't looking for someone.
And if he were interested in Eddie, Buck would just say something to him.
The man has basically no filter.
There's no way he could hide anything from Eddie–especially if he had feelings for him.
Which clearly he doesn’t.
If Buck wanted a relationship with Eddie he would have just, said something, and certainly wouldn’t have helped Hen make a dating profile for Eddie.
Buck may not be a genius when it comes to relationships but he’s not that bad either.
Eddie turns off the light, trying to push down the knot in his gut.
It’s fine that Buck doesn’t want their relationship to be romantic.
It’s fine that Buck is looking for a romantic relationship.
And it’s fine that Eddie’s essentially living on borrowed time.
It’s fine Buck.
Eddie lets out a quiet, sad laugh, and turns out the lights.