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Terror coursed through Imogen, carving into her like the grooves of her scars. Her own words rang in her head: There’s also a chance that if I go in, I might have trouble comin’ back out.
Imogen took a breath.
I might not come back, I might not come back, I might not come back.
Those five words swirled around her mind like dust in one of Ruidus’ red storms.
I might not come back, I might not come back, I might not come back.
She glanced at Laudna who slept only a few feet away. Imogen’s fingers twitched; she longed to take Laudna’s hand, but something stopped her. It almost felt like a rift, a distance between them. Not physically, but emotionally. She didn’t know what to make of it.
Imogen pushed past the barriers of the circlet, and like dropping a coin into a fountain, released a gentle message into Laudna’s subconscious. I love you, Laudna.
I might not come back, I might not come back, I might not come back.
She pushed those thoughts aside and said again, I love you, Laudna.
If there was one last chance of bringing Liliana to their side, then Imogen had to take it. She had to, no matter the cost. Imogen took another breath, deeper than last. She hoped the risk was worth it.
Huddled on the dirt in their little cave, FCG at her side while she prepared to delve, Imogen recalled Ashton’s words: “An estranged parent is just a stranger who can make you believe any bullshit.”
Imogen knew nothing about her mother. Liliana was a stranger with whom she shared blood and nothing more. She had no memories, no good times she could recall, and certainly no trust between them. She could not trust Liliana. Imogen reminded herself that. She may love her, but Liliana was a wild card and Imogen didn’t know the rest of her hand.
As Imogen’s thoughts wandered, she slipped into sleep and that red world approached. It drew her in and embraced her like a warm bath. It was a familiar false comfort, one that prodded Imogen with promise of belonging and safety, though she knew better.
Well, she assumed she knew better. Giving in to Predathos, especially after all Bells Hells had learned about being Marked and the Weave Mind, couldn’t possibly provide the freedom Imogen sought. She didn’t know for sure, but that knot in her gut tightened whenever some small part of her even considered letting go.
Otohan’s silver blade slashed through her mind and her words echoed. You don’t just give in. You let go when the time is right.
Blood and whirling dust, Orym, Fearne, Laudna, all dead, debris, skeletons of dozens of buildings—it all bombarded Imogen.
She’d let go and destruction and death had followed in her wake. Imogen couldn’t imagine the ruination she’d cause if she gave into Predathos and no longer had any agency, no longer could tell right from wrong. She couldn’t imagine being like her mother.
Her mother.
Imogen opened her eyes to the lights of the Ruidusborn flickering like starlight, so she thought of Liliana. A small light in the distance flared. Imogen focused on it and pulled the little orb towards her. Without knowing how near or far her mother may be, in an instant, Liliana’s energy lay before her.
She was dressed as Imogen had seen her last in her simple pants, button-up shirt, bandana around her neck, and long coat, but Liliana sat curled up in an empty space.
“Mama,” Imogen whispered.
Liliana looked up and her eyes locked on Imogen’s. “Imogen.” She looked so small, so human huddled on the ground with her knees tucked to her chest. She didn’t look like a sorceress who could level a town block or raze dozens of soldiers with a thought. Liliana unfurled slightly and the light of her spirit seemed to grow a little brighter.
Imogen glanced down at the tether which connected them, even in the dream. The space between them thrummed with their shared energy and warmth.
Like an embrace.
She had maybe one vague memory of Liliana holding her.
Imogen shook her head and forced her thoughts back to the present. “I’m here.” She wasn’t sure what else to say.
Liliana nearly smiled. “You’re as stubborn as your mother, you know that?” Imogen could only release what was almost a laugh from her nose. “It seems the harder I try and push you away, the faster you run towards me. Maybe that’s my fault.”
Imogen blinked a few times and leaned forward as she tried to come up with words—questions, accusations, pleadings—anything which would make this risk worth it. Instead, what she said was, “You make me want to help.”
It was true, Imogen realized after she’d said it. She did want to help her mother. She’d written Liliana off—had settled on labeling her a lost cause, on labeling her a danger which had to be stopped, yet now a spark of doubt pricked at her.
Imogen didn’t want to kill her mother. She loved her. Despite not knowing her, and despite knowing the awful things she’d done for Ludinus, Imogen loved her.
Or perhaps she just loved the idea of someone Liliana could be—someone she used to be 25 years ago before Ludinus dug his claws into her and twisted her mind. If the things she’d sensed at the Key were any indication of her mother’s intentions, then part of her wanted to fight whatever force pulled her away.
“I know you don’t want to be here,” Imogen said. She hoped. She prayed Liliana wanted to come back to her.
Liliana’s expression scrunched into one of pained contemplation. “It’s almost over. It’s almost over and you won’t have to worry about any of this.”
“Nobody will.” The truth came to the surface again. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You don’t have to lose me. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Liliana sighed. “I just—I didn’t want this to be a burden thrust upon you.”
Imogen gave her a small, thin-lipped smile. “It’s already happened whether you meant it to or not, Mama.”
Liliana nodded. “Yeah. I guess it found you anyway. Maybe that’s my naïveté.” She shook her head and added, “I’m sorry.”
Imogen tried to discern Liliana’s energy, her emotions, and sensed waves of kindness, pain, curiosity, wariness, and...absolution. She proceeded carefully. “You said before you were tryin’ to make a difference from the inside.”
Could Liliana still be useful to them from Ludinus’ side? Could Imogen convince her to help change the tide for the Volition?
“I am.”
“In what way?”
Liliana tilted her head. “He listens to me.”
Ludinus.
Imogen shook her head. “You said so yourself that he’s cunnin’.”
“He is.”
“Do you think—” Imogen bit her lip. “How do you know he’s actually listenin’ to you?”
“Because I’ve seen his behavior change.”
That look in Liliana’s eyes—there was the absolution. Imogen tilted her head. Along with a new emotion—uncertainty. It was barely there, but it existed.
“I’ve pulled him from the edge a few times and he’s done some good after.” Liliana believed what she was saying, Imogen realized. Truly.
Imogen scoffed and rolled her eyes.
“I’m not sayin’ he’s good, but I’m worried what would happen if I wasn’t there.”
“So you think you’re actually doin’ us a favor by remainin’ with Ludinus?” Imogen tilted her head. “Why not fight him? If you’re worried about how he’s affectin’ people, why attempt to do damage control? Why not stop him?” Part of Imogen didn’t want to know the answer to her next question. “Do you even want to?”
After a moment, Liliana muttered, “I don’t know.”
Somehow, that was worse than if she’d said no. Because that just made Liliana’s alliance even more questionable than before. But perhaps that meant she’d have a better chance at changing her mother’s mind.
“This is all so much bigger than either of us, but here we are.”
Here we are.
Here we are.
Here we are.
Yes, they were here. Talking. Just talking. Something Imogen hadn’t been able to do before. She’d only had one face-to-face conversation with Liliana and that was right before she failed to convince her mother to—
Imogen closed her eyes when a flash of black sliced across her vision.
Despite trying her damnedest to appeal to Liliana’s conscience, she’d trapped that black-winged man into the lens.
But she was here now. Alone. Just sitting there. There was nothing at stake. Just…them.
And at this moment, an overwhelming yearning washed over Imogen. She just wanted to collapse into her mother’s arms. She wanted to feel her touch, smell her coat, be coaxed into sleep by her voice.
You can’t trust her. She’s your mother, but you don’t know her.
Imogen ignored the voice and reached out a tentative hand. “Can I touch you?”
Whatever Liliana had prepared to say died on her lips. Her eyes scrunched into something like distressed yearning, and for a moment, she just stared at Imogen’s scarred hand. Then, she mirrored the motion.
Their hands passed through one another, but a feeling of warmth, connection, and nostalgia nearly overwhelmed Imogen. It was like walking through the pastures in Gelvaan on a warm spring day. She sensed memories she didn’t remember having, yet the emotions the feelings evoked were nearly tangible. For a breath, Imogen closed her eyes and soaked in the years she’d missed with her mother and what it may have been like if she’d had the chance to live them.
Imogen didn’t understand how Liliana could have given up that feeling of freedom and peace to serve Ludinus. How could any of this be worth leaving her and Relvin? Imogen hadn’t been worth fighting for to Relvin. Perhaps Liliana viewed her the same way.
Imogen shoved that thought away.
She said softly, “Are you doin’ this all for Ludinus, or do you also feel that pull from the Sleepin’ One?”
“I’m not doin’ any of this for Ludinus,” Liliana sneered. “I’m doin’ this because I didn’t have a choice.”
Didn’t have a choice.
Didn’t have a choice.
Didn’t have a choice.
Inside, Imogen’s mind raged. Didn’t have a choice? Nobody dragged you away from me and Daddy. You CHOSE to leave—She slammed a door on the end of that thought.
You can’t trust her, you can’t trust her, you can’t trust her.
“Neither of us do,” Liliana continued.
She couldn’t stop the next word that escaped. “Bullshit,” Imogen whispered, quiet venom in her tone.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
You can’t trust her, you can’t trust her, you can’t trust her.
“We’re here,” Liliana said, folding her other hand on top of their connected ones. “I tried to keep this from pullin’ you, but you’re here nonetheless and now we’re both at the center of it all.”
Tried to keep this from pullin’ you—
Tried to keep this from pullin’ you—
Tried to keep this from pullin’ you—
“Oh, by tellin’ me to run?” Imogen cocked her head as fury began to bubble like hot, caramelized sugar. Sweet to taste, but nasty to touch. “That’s all you said for ten years, Mama. Run. What was I supposed to do with that? Run where? From what? Or to who? You left me with so many questions and you weren’t around to answer any of them.” She shook her head. “The only time I could glimpse you was when I faced those terrifyin’ storms, and even then I thought I was hearin’ the voice of my dead mother.”
A shadow passed over Liliana’s eyes. “You thought I was dead?”
“That’s the excuse Daddy told me. I believed you were dead up until a few months ago.”
She nodded slowly. Liliana was quiet for a moment before she said, “Perhaps it should have stayed that way.”
Perhaps it should have stayed that way.
Perhaps it should have stayed that way.
Perhaps it should have stayed that way.
“It sure would make my next steps in this journey a hell of a lot easier,” Imogen mumbled. “I mourned you, Mama. I’ve been mournin’ you for years and now—” She cast her eyes up, huffing. “It’s strange knowin’ you’re alive even though my heart still believes you’re gone.”
Liliana glanced away. “I tried to keep you away. Tried to warn you.” Her gaze found Imogen’s. “I wanted you to be free of it.”
Imogen scoffed. “Good fuckin’ job.”
She’d never been farther from freedom. She’d never been so close to being entirely consumed by Predathos. It was a mighty thin line Imogen walked—one that kept her from barely being sucked in.
I might not come back, I might not come back, I might not come back.
I love you, Laudna.
“Imogen.” Liliana made to squeeze Imogen’s hand, but her fingers curled around her own palm. “Once this is over, all of us will be free—those who were not given a choice but be born into this red light and changed.”
“Will we be free, or will we just be servin’ a different authority under the guise of freedom?”
Liliana shook her head. “Free like the birds in the sky.” She exhaled and her eyes became distant. “You know how much I miss just takin’ care of those horses?”
There. There was a glimpse of the mother Imogen remembered. The woman she was before Predathos and Ludinus had consumed her. Gentle, bright, kind.
“You know how much I dream of just walkin’ the fields and makin’ breakfast at sunrise?” Liliana closed her eyes and inhaled as if she could smell the pastures of Gelvaan.
There were days when Imogen missed it too. The Taloned Highlands were beautiful, but along with the beauty was the pain of the past. She’d been ostracized from there. Even if Liliana did change sides, Imogen didn’t think she’d ever go home with her. Gelvaan wasn’t her home.
Bells Hells were her home.
Laudna was her home.
I love you, Laudna, I love you, Laudna, I love you, Laudna.
“All that was taken from me.”
Imogen dragged her thoughts from Gelvaan and Laudna and focused on the words Liliana had just said. She couldn’t help the edge to her tone. “You left, Mama.”
“All I could think about was makin’ sure I didn’t take it from you.”
“What, my childhood?” Imogen scoffed. “I grew up terrified of who I was, Mama. You left me and Daddy without you. You let your personal need for answers override your judgement. You left physically twenty-five years ago, and Daddy left mentally not too long after. Sure, he was there, but he was as absent in my life as you. As soon as my powers started comin’ in, he pulled away. Do you have any idea how isolatin’ it was to hear the worlds’ thoughts yet always be on the outside of them?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Could you imagine how much easier that could have been if I’d had you around to teach me?” Imogen exhaled. “Daddy isolated himself from me because of my powers. I had no idea how to control them or what they meant. I’ve lived most of my life alone because I was as scared of interaction as much as people were scared of me.” She glanced at Liliana. “I almost killed a dozen people back in Gelvaan. I didn’t start livin’ until a few months ago.”
“So I failed at that too, it seems.”
Imogen reigned in her anger. It wasn’t entirely aimed at Liliana. Most of it was because of Ludinus. “Mama, I want you to leave him.” Liliana licked her lips but didn’t manage words. “There’s a fight comin’,” Imogen said, leaning forward. “I don’t want to fight you.”
“Imogen, there are children here that rely on me.”
Children here that rely on me.
Children here that rely on me.
Children here that rely on me—
“And what about me?” Imogen said, sharp eyes slicing to Liliana. “What about me, your own child? Did I not need you?” She shook her head, angry tears welling behind her eyes. “Are these Reiloran children more worthy of your love and protection?”
“No, Imogen,” Liliana breathed. “No, that’s not—”
“Yes,” Imogen huffed, slapping a hand against her thigh, “please explain.”
“I never got the chance to protect you from this,” she said softly. “I tried to keep you away, but you’re stubborn and smart.” Liliana gave a small smile. “You’re very smart.”
Imogen’s brows furrowed and she gave a slight shake of her head. “You don’t know anythin’ about me, Mama.”
“That’s not entirely true,” she replied. “I know you’re smart, fierce, capable—”
“Don’t say that,” she hissed. “Not that word. Not from you.”
Liliana’s throat bobbed. “I failed at protectin’ you, so now that I have a second chance, I’m goin’ to take it.”
“So that’s what this is? Atonement?”
“No. No, I care, Imogen. I care about these people. I feel as though they’re part of me in some way. Well, they are part of me. They’re part of you, too. We’re all Ruidusborn.”
“Can’t we just make sure he never wakes up? Put him to sleep. Get rid of Ludinus and keep him asleep.”
“I don’t know if that would just be delayin’ the inevitable. Bein’ so close to this, I feel like I can guide this the best way it can be. I’m surrounded by some very dangerous people.”
Imogen lifted her chin. “You’re also lookin’ at one.”
Liliana chuckled. “I don’t doubt that. You’re like me, after all.” Imogen could almost sense the warning woven in those casual words.
“We share the same blood, Mama. That’s it.”
Her mother lowered her eyes and whispered, “They need me, Imogen.”
“So did I.” Liliana seemed to be ignoring any and all of Imogen’s attempts to humanize her, reason to her mother as her daughter. “I needed you,” Imogen snapped, tapping her index finger against her chest. “Is that not enough?”
“You’ve always been enough.”
Imogen couldn’t stop her breath from shaking. “Then why did you throw us away like garbage? Why did you leave me alone as the maddenin’ noise of the world slowly suffocated me? Why were the answers to your questions more important than watchin’ me grow up? How was that more important than stayin’ with Daddy and gettin’ to love him?”
“I do love him,” she muttered.
I do love him.
I do love him.
I do love him.
No, you don’t. Love is stayin’. Love is perseverin’. Love isn’t fuckin’ leavin’—
What Imogen said instead was, “Abandonin’ your husband and daughter sure is a funny way of showin’ that love.”
“Imogen,” Liliana breathed, “I can’t take back what I’ve done. I can’t. Even I don’t have that kind of power. But trust me when I say my presence here matters. I have influence.”
Imogen couldn’t look at her. “I’m sure you do,” she mumbled.
“They listen to me. I’m scared of what would happen if I wasn’t here. What would happen to these children.”
“Saving these children won’t atone for abandonin’ me.”
“No, it won’t.” Liliana sighed. “It will, however, save that many more innocent lives.”
“You’ll save these just to end how many others?” Imogen shook her head and glanced at her. “Think of the children that will die if you set him free.”
Liliana shook her head. “I don’t know why you think people will die for this.”
“People already have died, Mama!” Imogen yelled, waving a hand. “Children, too!”
Liliana backed away slightly, shaking her head. “Predathos doesn’t want to destroy the world.” She sounded as though she were convincing herself more than Imogen.
“Just the gods,” Imogen said. “Who do you think those gods protect?”
“That’s a good question, isn’t it?”
Truthfully, Imogen knew next to nothing about the gods. She’d prayed to the Dawnfather once regarding Laudna and Delilah, and she’d received no response.
“Fine. Tell me what you know. I’m here to convince you the other way, but if you have somethin’ that could bring me to your side, I need to know it.
“What is a god but a tyrant that’s always been? They protect those who give themselves to them, just like any other king. I know that change is hard, and I know that—”
“This isn’t change, Mama. This is extermination. This is genocide.”
“Part of me just wants to run away from it all, but I know I can’t. It’s too late, and I—”
Imogen shook her head. “It’s not too late.” The ghost of a smile appeared. “It’s not too late.”
“You know I love you, right?”
Imogen knew that, just as she loved her mother, yet at the moment, those three words felt…empty.
“I love you and I’m so sorry.”
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Imogen turned her head from the memory. Liliana’s apology held no weight to it. It floated past Imogen’s heart on a red breeze.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”
“Are you?” Imogen hadn’t entirely meant to say the words, but they were out of her mouth before she could stop them. “You made the choice to leave us. To leave me. I was three. I was three years old, Mama. Neither Predathos nor Ludinus made you leave your family. You did that all on your own.”
“I had to—”
“That’s fuckin’ bullshit,” Imogen growled, “and you fuckin’ know it.”
Liliana opened and closed her mouth several times before she said, “Maybe one day when you have a child of your own, you’ll understand.” She shrugged. “Or not.”
“Are you prepared to take my life? Keep that child from bein’ born?”
“Don’t say that, Imogen.”
Imogen shrugged. “It could happen. We’re on opposin’ sides here, Mama.”
“You just need to run away.”
Run away.
Run away.
Run away.
That’s all her mother ever said, and Imogen had had enough. She tilted her head and said slowly with serious calm, “I’m not runnin’ anymore.”
Liliana actually looked…hurt. Tears glistened in her eyes.
“I love you.” It was true. Imogen hated what her mother did, how she’d abandoned her, yet she still loved her. “Daddy still loves you.”
“If I do this right, maybe we can all go home.”
“No, Mama,” Imogen whispered. “You’re lyin’ to yourself. They’re lyin’ to you. Ludinus is an evil, evil man, and he’s gotten into your head.”
Liliana’s expression hardened. “History is filled with evil men, but few have the courage to stand up and try and stop them.”
“You’re not stoppin’ anybody. You’re helpin’ Ludinus persist. You’re helpin’ him succeed.”
“Where I’m standin’, I don’t think we’re on the opposin’ sides like you think we are. We just have a different method. That’s all.” She lifted her chin. “That’s all.”
“As long as you’re servin’ someone like Ludinus Da’leth,” Imogen breathed, “we’ll always be on opposin’ sides. It doesn’t matter the method if the end goal is the extermination of the gods and in the process, innocent people.”
“Please, Imogen,” Liliana breathed. “Please see it in yourself to understand why I’ve done and given up all this.”
"I hope losin’ me all over again is worth it in the end, Mama.”
“Please, Imogen.”
Imogen stared Liliana in the eyes as she pulled her hand away and stood tall.
Liliana hesitated, hand still lifted, before she drew in on herself.
She muttered with composed indifference, “Maybe it’s your turn to run.”