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Jesse opens his eyes, groaning, and looks around at where he is. Sunlight is streaming through his dusty living room windows, exposing the beer bottles and chip bags on the floor, along with Skinny Pete and Badger, who are passed out on the floor. He looks around, expecting to see a whole host of other people, druggies and hobos and hookers, but the room is startlingly bare. The three of them must have slept through everyone leaving.
He rubs his eyes and slowly sits up, planting his feet on the floor and rubbing the back of his neck, working his jaw. His whole body was exhausted. He could feel the ache in his bones, the heaviness in his eyes, and his body was practically screaming at him to go back to sleep. But even more than that was the unsettled, restless feeling. The remembrance of what he did, of Gale-
“Yo,” he suddenly calls out. They needed to keep this party going. “Guys. Wake up.”
“Yo…” Badger mumbles in response, half asleep, before flipping over onto his other side and going still.
When neither of them move, Jesse stands up. “Guys. I’m serious.” He’s wide awake, keyed up, nervous, and as he looks around the room, the lack of people causes his gut to twist in anxiety. “We gotta start planning.”
“Planning?” Badger answers, and Jesse’s grateful he’s awake.
“Yeah. Planning.” He rubs his chin, walking over, and now Skinny Pete is waking up too, groaning.
“Man, what time is it?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Too fuckin’ early,” Skinny answers his own question.
“Nah, man. Too fucking late,” Badger jokes, sitting up before flopping back down. “I gotta get going home,” he says to the ceiling.
“No!” Jesse says, too quickly. The urgency in his voice causes both Skinny and Badger to raise their heads to look at him, and Jesse blanches. “I mean, nah, man.” He scratches the back of his neck, turning away. “Nah, we’re just getting started, you know? For tonight.”
“Jesse, it’s been three days,” Badger rasps, and Skinny laughs.
“He’s right, yo. My body is like, pushin’ daisies over here bro. I’m not proud of it, but…” Skinny slowly stands up, his joints popping, and stretches. “I gotta sleep, man. In my own bed.”
“Crash here.” The words come quickly. “I have a bed.”
“Nah, I can’t do that. You prolly gotta start cleaning up n’shit. And hey, I can come back and help later.”
“Yeah, me too,” Badger adds.
“Guys, the party’s not over.” Jesse looks between the two of them desperately, his gut twisting with a combination of anger and fear. “Alright? Just- just stay here. Sleep. I was going to order a pizza anyway.”
“Nah, man.” Skinny puts a hand on his stomach. “No more of that greasy shit. I need, like, broccoli and shit.”
Badger nods sleepily from the floor. “Broccoli would slap right now, bro.”
“I’ll get you guys broccoli.”
He’s serious, but Skinny laughs like he made a joke, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Jesse, you are one hell of a host, man.” Then he turns away, walking over to a chair to grab his hoodie. Badger stands up too, yawning.
And Jesse just watches, frozen in place, as they both sleepily make their way toward his front door. When Skinny puts his hand on the handle, he says, “Wait.”
“What?”
And Jesse can’t even say anything, his eyes pleading at the two of them, but they just stare back, polite and well-meaning, but tired. “Forget it.”
“Wassup, man?” Skinny pushes. “Cuz you look, like, terrified right now.”
“Nah.” He waves his hand, blinking hard. “Nah, I’m- good. Sorry.” He clears his throat, already feeling the panic rise in his chest. “Sorry. You guys can go.”
He turns away from the two of them, staring at his stereo system, waiting for the moment the door clicks shut and his thoughts overwhelm him. But the sound doesn’t come, the door still not opened. He turns back around to see Skinny and Badger giving each other a concerned look.
“What?” he asks, irritated.
“You good, man?” Badger asks him, and this is not what Jesse wanted either. He wants lights and music and pretty girls. Not Badger and Skinny giving him sympathetic looks at 9am while he’s stone cold sober.
“Yeah.” He rubs a hand over his face. “I’m good, man.” When they don’t say anything, he removes his hand, looking at the two of them. “Really. I’m good.”
“Alright.” Badger looks at Skinny and shrugs, and he shrugs back at him, before Skinny opens the front door again.
At the sound of the front door opening, of it being real that he’s going to be completely alone, panic leaps in his chest and the words are out of his mouth before he can stop it. “I mean-”
Skinny’s hand freezes again, and now their attention is back on him. And he can tell it won’t be going away anytime soon.
Stop being a little bitch. “Sorry, I’m fine,” he says. “Just fucking go.” But Badger and Skinny are still looking at him, which isn’t good, because Jesse is about to have a full-fledged freakout. Just at the thought of being alone.
When he wasn’t even alone yet.
Pathetic.
“Jesse, man, really.” Badger takes a few steps toward him. “You alright?”
“Yeah, you’re looking a little, like-” Skinny holds out his hands, tilting them. “Unsteady or some shit.”
“I’m good,” Jesse grits out. “Seriously. Just, coming down or whatever.” When they don’t say anything, he looks back up at them. “Drugs. You know? Ever heard of them?” He fishes for his lighter for a distraction and finds it in his pocket, but his hand is shaking so violently that he just puts it back in his pocket.
“Bro, what the hell? You’re shaking.”
Badger nods quickly. “Real bad.”
Skinny’s eyes are wide, his shoulders hunched forward. “Yo, was your shit from last night laced?”
Jesse scoffs. What he would give to have a bad drug experience over the actual events that happened. “Laced, must’ve been. Yeah,” he mumbles, turning away again and digging his hands in his hoodie pockets.
“If it was, that’s like serious, man.”
“No forreal. The stuff out there nowadays is crazy.” Badger throws his hand forward. “Like, new shit every day type shit.”
“That’s what’s up!” Skinny exclaims alongside him, then freezes, looking at Jesse. “But not if it got our boy Jesse.”
“Yeah, that’s not cool.”
Jesse closes his eyes, because his heart was starting to pound and his ears were filling with white noise, and now he actually wanted them to leave because it was all bubbling to the surface. All of it. Everything he’s tried to ignore the past three days.
He can’t do this right now.
Badger starts to pace back and forth like he does when he’s on a rant. “We could take you to a doctor, man. You don’t even have to tell them that you took something. My friend said that if you tell them you have this real specific seizure condition that takes too long to explain, and that you’re sensitive and don’t like talking about it, they won’t ask questions, man. None! They’ll just treat you like normal.”
Skinny pounds his chest. “Monitor your vitals n’shit.”
“Yeah. Vitals.” Badger nods encouragingly. “What he said.”
Jesse doesn’t say anything, exhaling a shaky breath. “I need you guys to leave.”
“Seriously? Bro, you’re looking even worse than you did a minute ago.”
Jesse scrubs his hands over his face, agitated, his eyes burning with tears. “Leave,” he says through a clenched jaw. “Seriously. I can’t-” His voice cracks and he closes his eyes, tilting his head, cringing. He was about to lose his shit.
“Hey man, you okay?” There’s sympathy in Badger’s voice and Jesse can’t even talk, his chest tight and his breaths coming out shallower and faster and he really wants a cigarette, but he can’t get a cigarette without grabbing his lighter, and he can’t grab a lighter because his damn hands won’t stop shaking and his heart is pounding and he can barely see straight just like when Gale was in front of him-
Right before he-
He-
He inhales sharply, staring up at the ceiling.
“Jesse, you’re scarin’ me, man,” Skinny chuckles nervously. “Looking like you’re about to have a heart attack.”
“Yeah, like, a big one,” Badger adds. He steps forward and places a hand on his shoulder, but Jesse flinches and shrugs him off, backing away a few steps and looking at them defensively, his eyes full of tears. Badger reels back, confused, but his gaze quickly softens when he sees his face.
“Jesse…” Badger’s voice is gentler than he’s ever heard it. “What’s goin’ on, man?”
Skinny is looking at him with the same concerned intensity as Badger and Jesse just cracks under it, his face screwing up as he shakes his head, planting his hands on his hips and staring at the floor. He opens his mouth to say something but sobs instead, and he feels Badger and Skinny exchange a concerned look.
“Yo is this still the drugs, or…”
Skinny swats him. “No it’s not the drugs! Bro needs our help right now.”
“Shit, yeah, sorry.” Badger blinks quickly, extending his hands. “You wanna sit down man? We, uh-”
Skinny cuts in. “We can order that pizza.”
“Yeah!” Badger snaps his fingers. “We can order that pizza. From that one place, right? Where they do that thing.”
Skinny nods animatedly. “Where they pass the savings on to you.”
“I can call them right now.”
“I don’t want the pizza,” Jesse grumbles miserably, and he sits down on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as sobs tear out of him. He laces his fingers across the back of his neck, staring at a piece of torn cardboard on the floor, everything quiet except for the sound of him crying, his shoulders shaking.
“Okay. That’s cool. That’s cool.” Badger sounds downright panicked. “Maybe if you’re not hungry, you’re thirsty? Or tired? Skinny, what the hell do you think it is?”
“I’m not a newborn baby,” Jesse snaps. “Jesus, I’m just-” He presses his palm against his mouth, muffling sobs, hating that this was happening in front of his friends.
The cushion on his right dips and he hears Skinny’s voice. “Did something happen recently?” When Jesse doesn’t say anything, he continues. “Is… is that why you had this three-day party? Because I’m not gonna lie man, it was epic, but also…” He trails off, looking at Badger. “Like, concerning?”
“Yeah.” It sounds like something else is clicking for Badger too. “Concerning.” He sits down next to Jesse too.
“If you wanna, y’know, talk about it, I’m all ears man. Badger is too.”
Badger nods quickly from next to him. “Yup. All ears.”
Jesse was quiet, but then he starts silently sobbing again because he doesn’t deserve this. At all. If Badger and Skinny knew what he did, they’d be afraid of him. Because he’s a monster. A cold-blooded killer.
And Gale was dead. He wasn’t humming to himself as he walked around his apartment, making herbal tea and listening to eclectic music. He wasn’t at the lab, meticulously taking notes and drawing doodles in his notebook. He wasn’t even with any of the friends and family who have probably known him for his entire life.
He was dead. In the ground.
Because Jesse had taken a life.
Taken a soul off this earth.
He couldn’t even call it justice, because Gale wasn’t a bad guy. Not even close. He was a good guy. He was nice and polite and in the name of self-defense, or saving him and Walt’s lives, Jesse had to do it. Feel the cold, hard metal of the gun and raise it and look Gale right in the eyes as he-
As he-
Shot him.
Jesse lets out a sigh, because that was the first time he’s allowed himself to mentally walk through it since it happened.
It didn’t even remotely fix anything, but it was a start.
The sobs are over as he leans back, staring up at the ceiling, tears still making their way down his cheeks.
“Do you, like, want us to leave?” Skinny asks carefully, and Jesse can tell it’s not because they’re uncomfortable, but out of consideration for what he might want.
His chest constricts at the idea. And as embarrassing as it would be to say no, the silence stretches long enough that Badger and Skinny get what he’s saying, both standing up, and he can hear one of them saying something about “making tea.”
He just stares emptily ahead, ignoring the clanging in the kitchen and the sound of Badger cursing, because he’s lost in thought. Hearing it all again. Seeing it. Apartment No. 6. The bang of the gun. The thud as Gale’s body hit the floor. The blood. All the blood.
He squeezes his eyes shut, remembering.
The walk back to the parking lot, his hand shaking so bad he thought he would drop the gun. Rushing into his car only to sit there motionless. Victor running up to him, crowding into his car with a gun to his head telling him to drive. And then driving down the clean, empty streets to the lab, like it was any other day, except it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. Because he’d lost his humanity.
He slowly opens his eyes, and he’s back.
He’s back because it already happened.
He’s on the other side now.
“I made you some tea.”
He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but Badger is in front of him now, holding out a mug, and Skinny is on the other side of the room shoveling things into a trash bag.
“What?”
“Hey man, I know it’s, like, stupid, but it’s what my Grandma always did for me. And it works, man!”
“Okay, okay.” Jesse relents and takes it from him, and then peers down at it, at the completely clear liquid. “Yo,” he says with a rasp in his voice, “this is just hot water that doesn’t have anything in it.” He glances closer and then takes a sip. “And it’s lukewarm, actually.”
“Badger, what the hell?” Skinny chides him from across the room. “Did you even boil it?”
“I got hot water,” Badger says, confused, “from the sink.”
“What, you just turned the tap to hot? Give me that.” Skinny starts to walk over, but Jesse shakes his head.
“No,” he says, staring down at the mug, because he felt lightness in his chest for the first time in a while. “It’s funny, y’know?” There’s a ghost of a smile on his lips.
“Funny, yeah,” Badger says unsurely, looking at Skinny. “Yeah, which was the point. To make you laugh.” He makes finger guns. “And it worked, yo! Suck on that, Skinny.”
Skinny socks him on the arm. “Joke my ass. You suck at making tea.”
“It worked, didn’t it?” He turns his attention back to Jesse, and Skinny does too, both surveying him.
“Yeah,” Jesse says weakly. “Yeah, it uh, worked. Thanks guys.”
They both nod, and then stand there for a second awkwardly, as if they don’t know what to do with themselves.
Jesse sighs heavily, scratching his eyebrow with his thumb. “Look. Thanks. For, um, this. But you guys don’t have to stay.” When they don’t say anything, he looks up. “Really. I’m good.”
“Jesse man, that’s cool and all, but we’ve, like, never seen you like that before,” Skinny says.
Badger nods. “Yeah I mean, if that wasn’t a wicked comedown, then you got some heavy emotions bro.”
“Heavy emotions,” Jesse repeats to himself under his breath.
“Hey.” Skinny holds up his hands in surrender. “You don’t have to talk about it. We all got our dark shit man. But just know…” He brings a fist to his chest. “You’re never alone. That’s what the youth group says.”
“Church, yo,” Badger exclaims.
Jesse’s mouth twists, suddenly emotional. “Thanks.”
“And we got, like, mad love for you, bro,” Skinny says.
“I get it.” His voice cracks as he says it and he wipes his eyes, his throat burning. “Shit, guys. Cut the sentimental crap already.” He gives a watery laugh and then takes a sip of the lukewarm water to distract himself.
Skinny and Badger seem satisfied.
“Shit,” Badger suddenly says, bringing a hand up to his forehead and cringing.
“What?”
“I got a cat.” He seems genuinely apologetic.
“Cool with me…” Jesse says, confused.
“I have to, like, feed it. I think.” He looks toward the door.
“Oh.” Jesse gets it. “Yeah. Go ahead.”
“You sure?”
“I’m not going to be responsible for the death of your cat, yo.”
“No, I mean, like-” He looks toward Skinny.
“Jesse, you’ll be good, man? If we leave?”
Jesse feels embarrassed at the question, even though it’s valid for them to ask it. “Yeah.” And he means it. Imagining them leaving this time was different. There wasn’t panic swelling in his chest. His brain wasn’t spinning with ways to keep the party going. And he was actually feeling kind of tired. He yawns. When neither of them move, he repeats it. “Yeah. I’ll be good.”
“Okay.” Skinny’s posture relaxes. “But we’ll be back tonight.”
Jesse rolls his eyes. “Guys, that’s not necessary.”
“Hey, man. It’s not like, a wellness check. What if we just want to hang out?”
“Yeah,” Badger adds. “It’s been forever since we just kicked back and smoked to some Sabbath. And hey, maybe we could even try to get the band back together.”
“Really?” Jesse raises his eyebrows. “You want to get the band back together?”
They were definitely trying too hard.
“Yeah. Or play Mariokart or eat Funyuns or something.”
Jesse looks at them, skeptical. “Just all of my favorite things?”
“We could even talk about how much Walt sucks.”
He laughs out loud. “Okay, deal, yo!”
“Cool.” Badger laughs too, then nods at Skinny, and together they start heading toward the door. Jesse gets up to follow them out, still smiling.
Talk about how much Walt sucks. His friends really knew him.
“See you tonight?” Skinny asks once they’re standing outside.
“Yeah,” he says, his hand on the door handle, wanting to say more, some combination of thanks for saving me from myself and thanks for showing me there’s still good in the world, but he doesn’t know how, so he doesn’t say anything. “Yeah. Um. See you guys tonight.”
“Cool.”
Jesse watches as Skinny and Badger amble down the driveway, looking like they just got out of an intense workout. Or were freshly beat up. Or some combination of the two. Effects of a three-day party.
He lets out a breath, shutting the door behind him and turns, facing the mess of his living room. The mess of his whole house, really. Papers and trash everywhere, empty pizza boxes, graffiti on the walls. The smell of stale smoke. The stickiness of the floors. He sighs. At least cleaning up would give him something to do, a way to distract from his thoughts.
As he cleans, his tells himself it’s fine if something changes, if Skinny and Badger can’t show up. If they forget or oversleep or have to postpone or something. It’s fine. He’ll be fine.
But when the doorbell rings at 8 p.m., relief washes through him like he’s never known before.
And it only increases as the night is spent exactly as planned: listening to albums, smoking whatever’s left from the party, racing each other on the counsel, and a few digs are thrown in about Walt for good measure, mainly about his nonexistent hairline and his teaching style back in the day, because that’s about all Badger and Skinny know about him.
At 2am, when the house is completely quiet save for the snores of his friends next to him, Jesse stares up at the ceiling.
Things still weren’t completely okay. Not at all. He still saw Gale’s eyes when he closed his own, he still startled when he heard a sound too similar to a gunshot, and the idea of hosting another party didn’t sound too bad.
But instead of running from the memory, it was next to him. With him. Still painful, but at least it wasn’t chasing him anymore. He was able to at least think about it without completely losing his shit. Well, mostly.
He knew that from here on out, things might not get easier. In fact, they probably weren’t. They were probably going to get a lot harder.
But in this moment, at 2am with the pause screen frozen on the TV, lying on the couch with Skinny on the chair and Badger on the floor, he was okay. He even felt safe.
And for right now, that’s all he could ask for.