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Tsukishima Kei wasn’t the best at communication, Tadashi knew that better than anyone. Despite being Tsukishima's best friend, it still felt like pulling teeth sometimes when Tadashi tried to have a conversation with Tsukishima that involved feelings. He got used to it eventually though. Tadashi learned as they grew up, without even trying. He noticed all of Tsukishima's tells and expressions and ticks and signs, and he felt so proud about the fact that Tsukishima let him close enough to let that happen. It was exhilarating.
Music, however, became a part of their complicated language system way later. Tsukishima got his first expensive pair of headphones when he turned thirteen. He carried them everywhere with him and often got into trouble for it with teachers and his parents. At first it bothered Tadashi because Tsukishima barely payed him any attention with the headphones on, but later he learned that Tsukishima just liked spending time with him without the need to fill in the silence with constant conversation. As they grew older, Tsukishima started letting Tadashi borrow his headphones. He played him his favourite songs and cool guitar riffs and Tadashi loved it. He loved listening to Tsukishima talk about music in those rare moments when he rambled on for minutes.
When Tadashi turned fifteen, he unwrapped a present from Tsukishima in his childhood bedroom. It was messily wrapped in wrapping paper with a star pattern on it that made Tadashi's heart skip a beat. Tsukishima watched in nervous silence as Tadashi pulled out the little box of wired headphones and a headphone splitter in the shape of a heart out of the mess of the wrapping paper. Tadashi looked at the red, heart shaped object in his hand, his own heart trying to beat out of his chest as the thought of does this mean anything to you? rushed through his mind.
“They didn’t have a different shape. Believe me, I asked.”
“Oh.”
“I- I can return it if you think it's… weird. I just thought- Since you always ask to borrow my headphones, I thought we could listen together. But it's fine, it was stupid any-“
“I love it.”
“What?”
“I said I love it. It's a great gift, Tsukki, thank you. And I- I love that it's a heart.” Tsukishima smiles. It’s a rare smile Tadashi doesn’t see too often these days. It's genuine and warm and Tadashi's heart feels like it's going to explode.
“Of course you do…” Tadashi smiled back, bright and beaming.
They used the cheap headphone splitter so much it stopped working after a year and they had to buy a new one.
Then came the playlists. At first, it was just a way for Tsukishima to keep his music organised. And since Tadashi basically listened only to what Tsukishima listened to, he shared the links to the playlists with him when he made them every few months. Then, when Tadashi turned sixteen, Tsukishima sent him a link. It was almost eleven in the evening when Tadashi got the message. It just read 'hbd.' Tadashi rolled his eyes at the straightforward wording, but he had to bite down on his bottom lip to stop the huge smile that was threatening to spread over his face. He clicked the link.
Tadashi was always called a crybaby by his bullies when he was younger. It was something that stayed with him after all this time and he always felt so self-conscious about how easily his tears came to him. But as he scrolled through the playlist, in the safety and solitude of his room, he let the tears freely fall down his cheeks. It was all of Tadashi's favourite songs in one place. All the songs Tsukishima showed him and Tadashi begged him to play over and over again until they both got sick of them. It was the rare songs Tadashi played to Tsukishima and that his best friend actually liked enough to put on his- their playlists. Tsukishima remembered all of them, and he put the time and effort into gathering them all in one place for Tadashi to listen to. That night, as Tadashi laid there, heart aching, he realised what he felt for his best friend was far stronger than a small childhood crush.
Then it became a tradition. Every birthday, Tadashi got a playlist along with a real, wrapped gift. When Tadashi found out he would become captain at the end of their second year, Tsukishima made him a cheesy playlist full of songs about not giving up and working hard and Tadashi laughed so much his ribs hurt that night.
On the day of their high school graduation, Tadashi's world tilted on its axis. When he came home, he found a letter in his bag. A white envelope with nothing but Tadashi written on it in the thin, broad handwriting of Tsukishima that Tadashi easily recognised.
Tadashi, the letter read, you know I am not good at expressing what I feel, so I apologise if this is too embarrassing for you to read. But, as is tradition, I made you a playlist to commemorate our three years together at Karasuno. When you're reading this, it should be waiting for you in our chat. I chose twelve songs that remind me of you in some way and I have added a list of the songs with the explanations on the back of this letter. Let's never speak of this ever again and if it really is too embarrassing, you can burn this piece of paper immediately after reading, I will not be offended (but I have a sneaking suspicion you will like this stupid gift anyway).
- “Tsukki.”
Tadashi snorted out a laugh at the usage of the quotation marks around the signature. Tsukishima never referred to himself with the nickname and the only person allowed to use it was always just Tadashi. He tried not to think about it too much. With shaking fingers Tadashi turned the paper in his hands over and scanned the page quickly.
Last Train At 25 O’clock – you made me play this song so much I couldn’t listen to it for like 6 months because I was so sick of it.
I Hate Everyone but You – Kuroo sent this one to me with just “you and freckles” and I absolutely hated that he was right.
Eclipse – I hated it at first but after you fell of your bed while trying to do the dance, it kind of grew on me…
Drool – I think this one is obvious...
When Tadashi listened to the playlist from top to bottom, he couldn’t help the tears that started flowing down his face. He called Tsukishima later that night.
“If this is about the playlist I’m hanging up,” said Tsukishima before Tadashi could even get a word in.
“Not the playlist, but the letter, Tsukki! Why did you-“
“Yeah, I’m hanging up. Don’t cry too much, Yamaguchi.” And then he hung up. Tadashi laughed at his dark phone screen in disbelief, but he also understood that this was just too much for his best friend. Tadashi found himself wishing it wasn’t because at that moment, alone in his room, he felt so full of love that had nowhere to go and he was bursting at the seams with it all.
And then, university came. Tadashi can’t really blame either of them for growing apart. They got assigned different roommates in the dorms, then Tadashi moved into a student apartment with Yachi while Tsukishima opted for a tiny studio apartment closer to the museum where he was working part-time, and it was fine. They met-up regularly for coffee and lunch and study dates and movie nights and parties and it was all fine.
Until it wasn’t. Until Tsukishima just… stopped responding. It didn’t happen overnight. It was subtle and it felt plausible – they were both busy with assignments and exams and work, so it was fine that Tsukishima was busy, they were getting closer to graduation after all. And so, before Tadashi even noticed that something has changed, it was already too late. He was already trapped in the constant loop of he’s probably busy and he probably doesn’t even want to hear from me. And it all felt so… inevitable. Like his worst fear has come alive. Like Tsukishima finally got sick of him. He knew this was dumb, of course, Yachi let him know as much, but deep down he still felt like he should’ve expected it.
So, he did nothing. He stopped trying, he stopped calling and texting and Tsukishima, his best friend, fell off from the face of the Earth. It hurt less, now that he had other friends and no bullies pushing him down onto the sidewalk after school. It was easier, but it was also harder. Because Tsukishima was never just a friend. Even after all this time, Tadashi still held onto the hope that Tsukishima, somehow, at least a little bit, felt the same about him. He knew it was childish, he knew he was too old to hold on like that but sometimes, it felt real. Yachi told him once, that Tsukishima probably does like him back but that he just doesn’t know how to show it. Hinata told him that “Obviously he likes you, too. Have you seen the way he looks at you. He’s not very subtle about it at all.” And Tadashi’s first year roommate thought for full three months that Tsukishima was his boyfriend.
These were outsider opinions, of course, but sometimes, Tadashi saw it the most of all. The way Tsukishima cared for him, in his own subtle ways, the way Tadashi sometimes caught him looking with that distant look in his eyes before Tsukishima quickly looked away, the way he wouldn’t let anybody else close to him, except Tadashi. He let him wrap his fingers in athletic tape, he let him call him Tsukki, he let him sleep in the same bed during sleepovers, he let him borrow his headphones.
And the playlists. Then there were the playlists, that sometimes felt like the closest thing to a love confession Tadashi was ever going to get.
Tadashi lets out a frustrated sigh into his empty apartment as he stares at the bright screen of his phone. It has the chat between him and Tsukishima on it. The last message from Tadashi reads “hey, wanna get lunch sometime this week? Lmk if youre free :)” with a glaring Seen written under it. No response. This was two months ago.
He locks his phone screen and throws his phone down his bed into the blankets. It feels ridiculous to feel so nervous to send Tsukishima a message. He used to send his best friend every thought that crossed his teenage mind but now he’s mulling over a polite happy birthday text to someone he’s known for most of his life. It’s frustrating, the way he can’t read Tsukishima’s emotions anymore like he used to. And Tadashi knows Tsukishima is (mostly) polite and that he would most likely get a “thanks” back anyway, but Tadashi isn’t even fully convinced if he wants to give Tsukishima the satisfaction. Because, as cold as Tsukishima Kei can be, not getting a text on your birthday from your best friend for the first time has to get even to him and his stone-cold heart.
Tadashi sighs again at his own dramatics and sits up. Once he finds his phone in the mess of his bed, he opens the music app and combs through his playlist library until he finds exactly what he’s looking for. The title, for Tadashi, still makes his heart feel heavy, because it’s one of the rare few times Tsukishima actually used his given name. Tadashi hates admitting it, but he still listens to the graduation playlist often. When he feels stressed or lonely or nostalgic, he puts the playlist on, and it soothes his aching heart like an instant remedy. And on those nights when Tadashi thinks about Tsukishima the way he isn’t really supposed to, the way that will most likely never come true, about holding his hand and kissing him and touching him, he listens to it and thinks about how this is enough. Friendship has to be enough. Now he barely even has that.
He presses play, but as soon as the speakers of his phone start playing the music, he freezes. The thing is, Tadashi knows this playlist like the back of his own hand. It has only twelve songs on it and he could name them in order. So, when a song that isn’t supposed to be there starts playing, Tadashi has to do a double take.
As the first few notes of Fallingforyou by The 1975 come out of his speakers, Tadashi checks if he’s playing the music from the correct playlist, and when he sees that he is, his stomach turns.
Tadashi's mind is running a mile an hour. This song is new. He knows that. He didn't add it. Tadashi doesn’t even know if he has the ability to do that since it’s technically still Tsukishima's playlist made on his account.
Tadashi hurriedly scrolls down to the bottom of the playlist and his eyes fall on five new songs with a little 'added 5 days ago' next to them. Tadashi feels like he cannot breathe.
Fallingforyou – The 1975
could cry just thinkin about you - Troye Sivan
I’m in love - Yerin Baek
North - Clairo
It’s U – Cavetown
Tadashi plays all of them. Then he plays them again and reads the lyrics. Then he listens again and just stares at the screen of his phone, shaking in his hands. He knows what the songs are about, and he knows what it means. What it should mean. What it would mean if things between him and Tsukishima weren’t so fucking complicated. Tsukishima probably didn't know that Tadashi still listens to the playlist. He probably didn't think Tadashi would ever see this, but he did and now he feels like his whole world has been turned upside down. Tadashi doesn’t know what to do. He wants to cry and scream and throw his phone at the wall.
Pour my love out
Spill it all on the ground
Is it all in my head? What are you saying?
It's not like him and Tsukishima never listened to love songs together. They did, a lot of songs are about love, Tadashi discovered that around age thirteen when almost every song Tsukishima played him was about love and all Tadashi could think was do you think about me, too, when you listen to these? He never got his answer and eventually just pushed the thought out of his mind because it was eating him alive. But right now, reading the lyrics of the only five songs Tsukishima decided to add to the playlist- his playlist, playlist titled for Tadashi, he thinks it has to mean something.
But life's a blackening way of drifting us further than we are
And now we're knee-deep in this mess
I could cry just thinkin' about you
Tadashi opens up his contacts list and he scrolls until he sees the familiar 'tsukki!!!' and his finger hovers over the call button. But the more he thinks about it, the more Tadashi realises this isn’t something he wants to discuss over the phone. He needs to see Tsukishima.
To be perfectly me, myself
To be clear that I could breathe alone
Want to be with you
I'm in love
As he gathers his belongings and leaves his apartment at almost midnight to take the late metro to his best friend's apartment, Tadashi thinks about their last meeting. They met up for a quick coffee and it was kind of awkward and Tadashi ended up having to leave early because of an emergency at work. That was months ago. That day, Tsukishima seemed… quiet. Quieter than usual. Tadashi thought something was wrong, like there was a storm cloud above them during the whole encounter, threatening to spill its cold water over them. If the songs mean something, anything, then maybe what has been troubling Tsukishima, what has been driving him away, is-
I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck
Don't you see me? I
I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you
When Tadashi gets out of the subway and heads towards the familiar apartment complex, he’s suddenly hit with the question if Tsukishima still even lives in the same apartment. Maybe Tadashi should have called first after all.
He shifts nervously at the entrance to the building and looks over the names at the intercom. Tadashi finds Tsukishima’s quickly enough, like his eyes are drawn to it, and before he can change his mind, he takes a deep breath and presses it.
Tadashi fully expects Tsukishima to not answer. He’s not one for uninvited visitors, so it wouldn’t shock Tadashi if Tsukishima simply ignored the doorbell. Or, maybe he’s asleep, Tadashi thinks as he looks up at the pitch-black night sky. It’s so late.
"Hello?" Tsukishima’s tired voice coming in through the static of the intercom tears Tadashi out of his thoughts. It’s been so long since Tadashi’s heard his voice.
"Uh, hi, Tsukki.”
There is nothing but the crackle of electricity for a moment before Tsukishima speaks again. "Yamaguchi?" Tadashi can almost imagine the wrinkle between his brows forming as he frowns.
"Yeah, hi." There is more silence, and Tadashi wishes he prepared something to say.
"What- Are you okay?" Tsukishima’s worried tone makes Tadashi's heart spasm inside his chest.
"Oh, I just- Can you let me up? I need to… talk to you."
"Sure, I guess." A loud buzzing sound signals the door opening and with a quiet “thanks” Tadashi pulls on the handle. As he enters the building and checks his hair in the elevator mirror, he thinks about how easy it was to convince Tsukishima to let him inside his apartment in the middle of the night with no explanation, he barely had to convince him at all. But as the numbers on the dingy old elevator screen climb up, he knows he would do the same thing for Tsukishima, no matter their communication status.
Tsukishima is already standing in the open doorway to his apartment when Tadashi takes a turn in the hallway. He’s leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his broad chest. He’s wearing an offensively green Sendai Frogs hoodie and a pair of sweatpants he’s had since high school that Tadashi has personally borrowed at Tsukishima’s house many times. He looks comfortable and tired, like Tadashi woke him up, and he’s fidgeting with his fingers, as is his nervous habit. Tadashi briefly wonders why Tsukishima could be nervous before the other man spots him.
"Hey. Is something wrong?" Tsukishima asks, genuine worry twisting his tone. Tadashi has to calm down the ache over his heart because he knows Tsukishima worries, he just usually doesn’t express it out loud like this.
"Oh, no, everything is fine,” Tadashi rushes to calm him down as he stands infront of Tsukishima, who’s gaze is piercing him from behind his glasses. Tsukishima looks Yamaguchi over, like he’s checking if he’s actually okay and not missing any limbs. When he looks back up into Tadashi’s eyes, there is something unreadable there, in the gold. Tadashi smiles at him, suddenly overwhelmed by the feelings expanding heavily in his chest. “I hope I didn’t wake you up, I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine, I couldn’t sleep anyway. I was honestly just surprised someone was ringing my doorbell at one in the morning…”
Tadashi laughs nervously because… This is a little crazy, isn’t it? Coming to somebody’s flat un-announced in the middle of the night, especially if you’re not really on speaking terms with the person… He almost feels like calling this whole thing off and booking it right back to the elevator and blocking Tsukishima’s number, but he also knows his best friend and Tadashi is sure if Tsukishima truly minded this intrusion into his Friday evening, he would kick him right back out onto the street. Tadashi ignores the small voice in the back of his mind chanting he would never do that to you, you’re special.
They stand there in the hallway for a while. Tsukishima is backlit by the soft golden glow of his apartment, and it makes him look even more beautiful than usual. Their eyes are locked onto each other and there seems to be a silent conversation taking place that Tadashi isn’t really sure he understands. When he feels himself growing hot in the face from the heavy look in Tsukishima’s eyes, he breaks the fragile silence.
“Tsukki?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I come in?”
Tsukishima breathes in sharply and his eyes widen as he suddenly realises that he’s been staring at Tadashi this whole time. He shakes his head, like he’s shaking himself out of a daze, and steps back. “Yeah, sorry. Come in.”
Tadashi walks into the warmth of the tiny apartment Tsukishima has lived in since his second year of university. Not much has changed here, he notes as he surveys the one room, maybe except a few new plant additions to the already full windowsill.
“So…” Tadashi starts, as he stands awkwardly in the middle of the room infront of Tsukishima.
“So…” Tsukishima repeats flatly. He’s sitting on the armrest of the brown couch Tadashi helped him pick out when he moved in.
“How have you been? We haven’t seen each other in a while…”
“Three months,” Tsukishima replies quickly, maybe too quickly. He closes his eyes briefly, like he didn’t mean to say that. Tadashi considers asking have you been counting, too? but he decides to spare Tsukishima. He’s here on a mission, after all.
“Yeah… three months. So how are you?”
“I’m… fine.” Tsukishima sighs and looks down at his fidgeting fingers. “And I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you in a while, I’ve just been busy with work, and, you know… It’s complicated.”
Tadashi almost scoffs at that because, really, he doesn’t know. Until today he had absolutely no idea what was keeping his best friend from reaching out to him and even right now, standing here under Tsukishima’s searching gaze, Tadashi realises he isn’t really sure about anything.
“That’s fine. I… I get it,” Tadashi lies. “Oh, and happy birthday.”
“Thanks. Even though it was yesterday, technically.”
“What? No. It’s the 27th Tsukki. That’s today,” Tadashi says, slightly offended. Like he could forget something like that.
“It’s past midnight, Yamaguchi, remember?” His tone is slightly condescending, but the humour doesn’t really reach his eyes. All Tadashi finds there is some kind of a resignation. Over what, Tadashi isn’t sure.
“Oh. Right, I’m sorry…” Tadashi shakes his head, suddenly overcome with the tension in the room and the feeling telling him he shouldn’t really be here. “I just barged in here so late, I’m- Maybe I should-“
“No,” Tsukishima cuts him off. “I mean- You don’t have to. It’s fine.”
Tadashi nods. The tense silence stretches over them. “I’m sorry I didn’t wish you a happy birthday on time. It’s just- To be honest, I didn’t know if I could.”
“That’s okay,” Tsukishima says and nods. He looks down into his lap again, his fingers absentmindedly tugging on a hangnail. “That’s mostly my fault, anyway.”
“It’s both of our fault, I think,” Tadashi says to try to soften the blow, but he doesn’t think he really believes that. Tsukishima huffs out a quiet laugh, like he doesn’t believe him either. His lips part, like he wants to say something, but he closes his mouth again, shutting the words back in. Tadashi hates that.
“So, how have you-“
“Tsukki, I- I actually came here to tell you something,” Tadashi blurts, because he just cannot take the awkward atmosphere in the room. He grew up with this boy, they slept in the same bed almost every weekend for years, they changed infront of each other a million times, they shared the most embarrassing hobbies and interests with each other, and yet, a few months apart has done all this damage, made Tadashi feel like he’s in the presence of a complete stranger.
“Okay?” Tsukishima says, clearly stunned over Tadashi’s sudden surge of urgency.
“Well, more like- I need to ask you something. And- and you can definitely tell me to fuck off, really, I would understand because-“
“Yamaguchi, if this is about us- me not talking to you, I can explain.”
“No, no, it's not that,” Tadashi replies. He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Well, it is, but not really. I just- I didn't know that was a part of it until today. B-but even that is just me probably reading too much into everything…” Tadashi shakes his head to clear all the words suddenly fighting their way out. When Tsukishima doesn’t say anything and just stares at him with that searching, sad look in his eyes, Tadashi continues: “It’s just- It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while- Years, honestly. And I just- I can’t let it go without finding out the truth. And I was- I think today might’ve been, I don’t know, a sign from the universe telling me it might be my last chance to ask, so I just came straight here, and I- I can't believe I’m actually doing this-“
“Yamaguchi…” Tsukishima interjects into Tadashi’s nervous rant. He looks a little alarmed, like he did the first time Tadashi has a panic attack in his presence. That was a long time ago.
“Sorry, Tsukki, I’m rambling, I know. I’m just- I’m nervous. Scared. Terrified. It’s fine.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tsukishima asks. He stands up and Tadashi wishes he would cross the space between them and hugged him. But this is Tsukishima, so he dismisses the idea immediately.
“Yes. Well, I’m not really sure. I guess we will see,” Tadashi replies honestly. He knows that he is just freaking Tsukishima out for no reason, but he has no idea where to really start.
Tsukishima pushes his glasses up his nose and measures him with his gaze. Tadashi feels like the room has grown significantly hotter during their conversation. He can feel the damp sweat on the back of his neck and his hands are shaking, because he knows what comes next, but Tsukishima’s sad looks and what Tadashi thought was drowsiness, which might just be his discomfort with Tadashi’s presence here, took all the confidence and determination out of him.
“Tadashi, why are you here?” Tsukishima finally asks.
Tadashi feels almost relieved when he has a question to answer. He takes a deep breath as a new wave of nervous energy suddenly washes over him and throws him back into reality. He has no choice, under Tsukishima’s piercing eyes, but to start.
“So… This is going to sound… crazy. Believe me, I know. But- Tsukki, do you remember the playlists you used to make me? For my birthdays and stuff?” Tsukishima winces at the mention of the playlists but he nods. “Well, I- I like them, you know. They’re from you and they mean a lot to me and I just- What I’m trying to say is- I still listen to them” Tadashi rambles on. “Yeah. I’m- I’m sure you know where this is going but- I, um, I was feeling… sad, I guess, tonight. It was your birthday, and I was trying to decide if I should text you or not and I just kept opening our chat and thinking how stupid this is because I used to never be that nervous texting you but- there I was. Looking at the last message I sent that you left on seen thinking that you hate me or finally got sick of me or something-“
“Yamaguchi-“ Tsukishima interrupts, his eyes wide, but Tadashi doesn’t let him.
“No, let me finish, please. I, um… So, I was sad. And nostalgic. So, I pulled up one of those playlists… The, um, the graduation one.” Tadashi swallows, his throat feels tight and he’s pretty sure he has the heartbeat of a prey animal being hunted right now.
There is a moment of silence as Tsukishima’s brain finally, truly, connects the dots. “Oh,” is all he can manage to choke out. Tadashi marvels at this, he’s never seen Tsukishima this… scared.
“Yeah. I- I didn’t expect anything to happen, honestly,” Tadashi continues, because he doesn’t know what else to do, he can't back out now. “But I just put it on shuffle and there was a song I didn’t know, which I thought was weird because I listened to that playlist so many times and I still listen to it all the time so, I thought I must’ve accidentally played a different one or something, but no- It was the right playlist… playing a- a- a love song,” he spits out and then he looks at Tsukishima, who looks utterly afraid right now.
“Yamaguchi, I can explain-“
And Tadashi really wants him to, but he has to finish his thoughts first, or he knows he probably never will, so he continues: “And there were a few more, Tsukki. Five total and I listened to them all, I listened to them so many times and I read the lyrics, and I just can't figure out what else it could mean other than- than… you know…” Tsukishima is avoiding his eyes now, looking anywhere but at Tadashi. He’s fidgeting with his fingers again. “So, I came all the way here. At one in the morning. Because I- I think this might be my last chance to ask you how you feel. If- if the songs mean what I think they mean, then… I just- I need to know, Tsukki.”
Tadashi finishes, his chest heaving and his head spinning from the adrenaline. Tsukishima is searching his face for something, Tadashi doesn’t know what, and it’s infuriating.
“Know what, Yamaguchi?” his best friend finally asks, quiet in the tiny room. Tadashi takes a breath.
“If you love me back.”
A heavy silence settles over Tsukishima’s small living room. Tsukishima stands frozen, still a few meters of empty space between them, and he’s gaping at Tadashi like he just grew a second head and Tadashi waits. Seconds tick by as his best friend lets the question hang in the air and Tadashi decides that that’s an answer enough.
“Yeah, I- I’m sorry…” Tadashi says and finally breaks eye contact with Tsukishima’s bright, golden eyes. “I knew it was… dumb. It’s just- it’s fine, Tsukki, nevermind. Let's just forget this happened, okay? I- I will be fine, I will get over it, I just- I had to know.”
Tadashi looks at Tsukishima one last time. He still looks shocked, stuck standing there, eyes flickering all over Tadashi, like he’s making sure he’s real, his hand stretching slightly towards Tadashi in a spasm, like he wants to touch him and- Tadashi can’t take the sight anymore. He nods, more to himself than anything, and heads towards the door.
He doesn’t even make it to the genkan before a hand, Tsukishima’s hand, wraps around his wrist and tugs him back and around towards the room again. Tadashi comes face to face with Tsukishima. He’s standing close, close enough that if Tadashi took a small step forward, their chests would touch. Tadashi’s heart is beating so loud and so fast he’s sure Tsukishima can hear it, meanwhile Tsukishima is- He is looking down on Tadashi, eyes intense, something like resolve swimming in the gold. Tadashi feels fragile hope stretch inside his ribcage.
“Tsukki-“ is all Tadashi manages to get out before Tsukishima leans in and kisses him.
For a short moment, when Tsukishima’s lips touch his, Tadashi freezes. Not so much from the shock and surprise, even though that definitely has a part in it, but more so from the crushing feeling of relief spreading through his body. Relief in the thought that even if he was hurting and repressing his feelings for his best friend for years, he wasn’t alone in it after all, because Tsukishima might’ve felt it, too. There is reassurance in the feeling that while Tadashi waited years for this moment, Tsukishima probably did, too. Solace in the realisation that if Tsukishima is it for him, Tadashi might be that for Tsukishima as well. And it was all worth it.
The haze is fleeting because Tadashi has more pressing matters at hand, like Tsukishima kissing him like his fucking life depends on it. The pace set is quick and hungry and hot, full of impatience and the need to get closer, faster. All Tadashi can hear are their heavy breaths, the wet noises of their lips and the sounds Tsukishima is making into it all, almost like whines, like he can’t get quite close enough to Tadashi. Tsukishima’s right hand rests just under Tadashi’s jawline, caressing the skin, and then it slides into Tadashi’s hair, down to his nape and tugs. His left hand is holding Tadashi still by his waist, Tsukishima’s grasp is strong, and Tadashi aches with the need to have those long, pale fingers on his bare skin.
Tadashi tilts his head to deepen their kiss and just when his nose bumps into Tsukishima’s glasses and he moves to remove them, it all hits him all of a sudden. They’re kissing, he’s kissing Tsukishima Kei and he didn’t even- He doesn’t even know if-
Tadashi moves his hands from Tsukishima’s shoulders and with probably more force than is necessary, he pushes into his chest. Their lips disconnect and Tsukishima stumbles backwards, eyes wide and worried and-
“Wait, Tsukki, wait,” Tadashi says in between his heaving breaths. His thoughts are quicker than he can grasp on right now, adrenaline coursing through his veins. “I- No, you can’t just… do that.”
“What? What do you mean?” After seeing the look on Tsukishima’s face, Tadashi genuinely feels bad for his own reaction. Tsukishima looks scared, like he expects Tadashi to laugh and tell him this was all a joke.
“You can’t just kiss me out of nowhere like that!” Tadashi rushes to clarify, to clear the air. “I need- You have to, I don’t know, explain yourself or something!”
Tadashi can feel the pressure of the room change when Tsukishima scoffs and the tension melts out of his body all at once when Tadashi explains himself. “I think it’s pretty clear what I’m trying to convey here.”
Tadashi lets out a frustrated sound, somewhere between a sigh and a growl, and he runs his hands through his own hair, undoubtedly messing it up even more than it already was from Tsukishima’s fingers running through it earlier. “You’re such a smart-ass, Tsukki, god. No, I- We’re not doing this again. You can’t just do that and not even answer my question.”
“What question?”
“If you love me back.”
Silence settles over the room once more. Tsukishima blinks at Tadashi from behind his glasses, which he pushes up his nose with a sigh. When Tsukishima’s bright eyes land back on Tadashi, he feels a shiver run down his spine.
“Tadashi, with all due respect, I have been actively trying not to kiss you for like twelve years now. So, you can’t really fault me for being a little… excited when I get the green light.”
Tadashi rolls his eyes. “I know, Tsukki, but-“ and then his brain freezes as it catches up with what Tsukishima Kei just said to him with a completely straight face, like it’s no big deal. “Twelve years?! You’ve liked me for twelve years and never even said anything? That’s like, half of your life, Tsukki!”
To his credit, the words only seem to dawn on Tsukishima as Tadashi repeats them back to him as well. His face and the tips of his ears start turning pink, visible even in the soft, warm glow of the apartment, and he looks embarrassed. Tadashi’s breath hitches because he so rarely gets to see Tsukishima embarrassed, and he can swear he can recognise a hint of a pout forming on his best friend’s lips.
“Yeah, and a half of yours,” Tsukishima says, avoiding his gaze.
“Wow, that’s one whole life.”
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima says, like he always does, but this time its softer, much softer, and he does a bad job of hiding the smile that is fighting its way onto his beautiful face.
Tadashi smiles, his cheeks hurt with the force of it, because he missed this. He feels the sorry, Tsukki settle on his tongue, but he doesn’t say it. Instead: “So, you do?”
“I do… what?” Tsukishima repeats, playing dumb.
Tadashi smiles, feeling giddy with the power of making Tsukishima flustered. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Tsukishima sighs again and looks somewhere to the side, at the shoe-rack, where Tadashi placed his shoes right in the spot Tsukishima keeps empty, so Tadashi always has a place here. He didn’t even realise when he came in at first, that even after a year of barely talking, it still remained bare.
“Yes…” Tsukishima says into the quiet apartment.
Tadashi takes a step forward, suddenly feeling too far from Tsukishima, who’s gravity always seems to pull him in, no matter what. “Yes, what?”
Tsukishima looks straight at him, cheeks red and an embarrassed look on his face. “Yes, Tadashi, I love you. I’ve loved you since… probably since we met. I’ve dreamt about this since I was a fucking teenager, and this is probably the best birthday present you could’ve ever given me.” Tsukishima’s voice is quiet, like his confession is too precious to fall on undeserving ears. He reaches his hand towards Tadashi’s face and hesitates for a moment, but then the long, pale fingers, that Tadashi spent years wrapping in tape, gently tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear. “Happy?”
“Very.” Tadashi thinks he’s never felt happier, and he can’t help the smile that stretches across his face. He watches Tsukishima’s eyes fall to his lips.
“Can I kiss you now?” Tsukishima whispers into the small space remaining between them.
“Please.”
They kiss again, pulled together by some invisible force, maybe the years of unsaid confessions and ignored tension, and this time the kiss is slower. It’s almost exactly like Tadashi always imagined their first kiss would be in the early stages of his crush. Gentle, tentative, and careful. As Tsukishima licks into his mouth, Tadashi can’t help but think about the words exchanged between them earlier. He backs out from the heavy heat of the kiss, still staying close to Tsukishima, who follows his mouth forwards, like Tadashi stole all of his oxygen with the kiss and he wants it back.
“Tsukki.”
Tsukishima sighs, eyes still closed, and rests his forehead against Tadashi’s, still holding his face in his palms. “What is it now?”
“I didn’t get you anything for your birthday,” Tadashi whispers in between them.
At this Tsukishima frowns and backs away a little bit so he can look Tadashi in the eyes. “I… know? I just said you don’t have to get me anything, Yamaguchi. This is enough.”
Tadashi pouts. “You’re very sweet, but I can’t believe I didn’t even get you a present. I will get you something tomorrow."
Tsukishima fights a smile, Tadashi can tell, and he rolls his eyes. “How about you get me some peace and quiet and let me kiss you for more than five seconds after I literally poured my heart out to you.”
“But Tsukki…” Tadashi whines, genuinely frustrated now. He loves this man, but the constant disinterest in communication is concerning to Tadashi. “We have so much to talk about. Are you not even curious about how long I’ve liked you?”
“What, like a year? Two years?”
Despite himself, Tadashi feels offended at the assumption. He always thought his feelings for Tsukishima were obvious. They definitely were to other people, at least - he got teased enough for it for a lifetime. “Two years?! Are you serious?”
“How am I supposed to know?” mumbles Tsukishima as he looks away again.
“Since I was sixteen. When you made me that first playlist for my birthday,” Tadashi says and Tsukishima’s eyes snap right back to Tadashi in shock. “Yeah,” Tadashi confirms smugly, and he pokes Tsukishima in the chest for good measure.
“Wait. You’re telling me I could’ve been kissing you since we were sixteen?” Tsukishima breathes out, frantic eyes searching Tadashi’s face for… something. Maybe a sign that he’s kidding and he actually just realised today and they both weren’t wasting precious years dancing around each other for no good reason other than fear. Unfortunately, Tadashi realises, that’s exactly what they have been doing.
“You’re really fixated on the kissing thing, Tsukki,” Tadashi jokes instead in an attempt to change the subject from their own useless game they’ve been playing for years. What matters is that they got here in the end, anyway. “Are you sure you even like me and not just-“
Tsukishima interrupts his witty remark with a quick kiss. Tadashi is blown away with how right it feels. The simplicity of the act crashes into him like lightning, like they were supposed to be doing this their whole lives.
They separate again, and before Tsukishima can voice whatever smart-ass reply he’s thought of, Tadashi decides the quick connection of their lips wasn’t enough, and he leans in and kisses him back. It stuns Tsukishima, no doubt because all of their kisses so far have been initiated by him, but he kisses back with as much passion as Tadashi is giving him. This kiss is sweeter, making up for lost time, and Tadashi feels weak in the knees from it.
Another thought suddenly pops into Tadashi’s mind just as Tsukishima’s hand slides underneath his shirt.
“Tsukki-“
“Oh, what now?” Tsukishima interrupts, seeming honestly irritated now. Tadashi wants to smooth out the frown line between his eyebrows.
“No, shut up, this is actually important,” Tadashi argues, because despite what Tsukishima thinks about his ability to talk about his feelings, Tadashi needs to ask at least some of these questions or he will not be able to sleep tonight, he knows. “What was going on with you in the past year? Why were you avoiding me?”
The red of Tsukishima’s cheeks gets even more intense now, if that’s even possible. “Oh. Well, in the light of recent events it might seem a little… stupid.”
Tadashi squints, already suspicious of whatever dumb idea his best friend got into his head. “Go on…”
Tsukishima watches Tadashi for a moment, then he sighs and in a nervous tick pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I was trying to get… over you.”
Tadashi is not as surprised as he probably should be, but regardless, he still feels something heavy and irrational sink down in his chest. “Wait, really? How did that go?”
Tsukishima huffs out a quiet laugh. “What do you think?” he challenges and then he looks at Tadashi with so much love in his eyes it almost knocks him down to his knees. Tadashi can’t help but laugh.
“So, you spent a year literally ignoring me-“
“I wasn’t ignoring you,” Tsukishima mumbles, that small pout back on his face.
“-and it did nothing. Wow, am I that hot?” Tadashi finishes and leans towards Tsukishima, so close their noses almost touch. He’s red in the face and on the tips of his ears again, visibly frustrated at how easily Tadashi can make him flustered.
“You’re that annoying.” And Tadashi can feel the tension between them again, like the calm before the storm, because he knows Tsukishima is about to kiss him again.
“Tsukki, what about the playlist?” he asks as he hooks both of his arms around the back of Tsukishima’s neck. Tsukishima needs to tear his eyes away from Tadashi’s lips to even register the question and this makes the swarm of butterflies that have seemingly taken up permanent residence in his stomach go wild.
“Oh, uhm, I was just listening to it, thinking about you, and I thought it was missing a few songs that always remind me of you, so I just added them in. It honestly didn’t even cross my mind that you still listened to it.”
Tadashi laughs, bright and happy. “We are both really dumb, aren’t we?”
Tsukishima smiles and nods. “None of our friends will ever let us live this down.”
And it’s true, Tadashi already knows that Yachi will be so happy for him but he’s already shivering at the thought of all the teasing he will have to endure for the foreseeable future. He doesn’t even want to think of what kind of torture is probably waiting for Tsukishima with Kuroo.
“Okay, you can kiss me now,” Tadashi decides, finally done with the questions, at least for tonight. He leans closer in, but he barely has to because of how close they’re already standing, like not touching the other would physically hurt now. Tadashi wonders how he survived without this, the warmth of his best friend's body and the love in his eyes, for so long.
Tsukishima squints at him from behind his glasses in suspicion, but his hands, one touching his hip underneath his shirt and the other brushing his hair from his face, give him away easily. “Are you sure? Because you’ve interrupted me three times now and I-“
Tadashi rolls his eyes and kisses Tsukishima again. Like he was always supposed to.
It's always been u (It's always been u)
It's always been u
Is it me for u?