Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“W-what do you even mean by that… Anna-san?”

She wasn’t even facing me anymore. She leaned against the railings, her face pressing against her arms.

The only evidence of what she had said was her visibly red ears.

“KA-ZU-HI-KO-KUN!”

“Ye-yes, Anna-san!?”

Anna spoke with a bite to her words, a 180 shift from how she'd been before. Dammit girl, don’t give me whiplash like that!

“Has beautiful consultant Yanami Anna taught you nothing? High school girls are soft, delicate things! Your words can scar them even if you don’t mean to! They’ll hole up in their room, eat nothing but mochi ice cream, melonpan, and frozen taiyaki for days, and then dehydrate themselves with how much they cry! Do you want that to happen?! What’s with that non-answer?! You know exactly what I mean!”

…I thought that you dropped the consulting business a while ago. Also, what’s with the scenario you described? Such a detailed list of foods, is that what you do when you’re sad? 

No wonder her room smelled like sweets…

“You’re not even taking my words to heart, are you?!”

They would be more convincing if you made eye contact!

I let out a grumble. Luckily, Anna didn’t appear to hear it.

She seemed to bury her face deeper into her arms, intent on ignoring my presence. Who does this to the guy they just- nevermind. Whatever.

I decided to lean against the school rooftop’s railings as well, less than two meters from Anna.

The sunset in front of us was beautiful- the lowering light painted the gray, cloudy sky with warm brushes of yellow and orange. It was an ideal setting for the story’s climax.

No, that’s not right. There is no “ending”, there won’t be a single, happy epilogue chapter and then a cut to black. Myself, many decades from now, will have to live with the consequences of my present actions.    

… Cautiously, I looked at Anna with the side of my eye, hoping to not catch her attention.

She wasn’t crying, what a relief.

Her face was still half obstructed, but I could clearly see her furrowed brows and slightly flushed cheeks. Angry and embarrassed, it was honestly a relief to see such a familiar sight.

…I know I shouldn’t be thinking in those terms-ah-

I must have been staring for too long because Anna noticed my gaze. After our eyes made a brief contact, she quickly turned away from me.

She kept one hand on the bar while her back was turned against me.

Sousuke gets to see your flustered face while I get this? Talk about a difference in treatment. 

“D-do I need to repeat myself, Kazuhiko-kun?”

“No!” I answered abruptly at Anna’s unusually meek voice, she even flinched a little. Crap, I didn’t mean to do that.

“Just…just…” I scratched my cheek in embarrassment, forcing my eyes on anything that wasn’t her. It’s a useless pursuit - my gaze inevitably fell back on her in time.

…

…Honestly, isn’t this girl a huge pain in the ass?

Just as I’d been about to leave for home, she’d ambushed me on the school rooftop and dumped those absurd words on me out of nowhere.

Plus, she was always stealing my food, inviting herself over to my house, and making Kaju call her “Nee-san” for no reason. Everything about her is irritating…

Just then, Anna whispered something- small mumblings that I barely caught:

“It’s yes or no…”

That’s when I realized that this girl’s legs were shaking.

Despite everything, Yanami Anna wasn’t stupid.

She knew how she was coming off, how abrupt her confession had been, and how awkward the air between us was. 

She probably had known it’d be like this beforehand, she’s the type to overthink this kind of thing.

Still, she’d expressed her feelings honestly and clearly. No matter how scared she’d been, this cowardly, often idiotic girl had confessed to me- telling me her most earnest, humiliating thoughts.

“Why now?” 

I wish I could return the favor.

At my selfish question, Anna did nothing… for about three seconds before she slowly turned towards me.

I frowned. “What’s with the face?”

Anna looked at me like she just found an ant colony in her jumbo-sized, mixed banana and strawberry parfait.

She sighed in an exasperated fashion, all traces of her nervousness gone. Isn’t it concerning how fast this girl’s mood changes?

“Two years, Kazuhiko-kun!”

Huh?

“It’s been exactly two years since we’ve officially become friends. You said two people need to be friends for at least two years before… um, you know! You should be grateful I even gave you a few extra hours to prepare your heart!”

“Wait, hold on! That wasn’t an expectation of anything, and I thought you considered me a friend before that?! Also, how do you even remember the date?!"

Just to double-check, I checked the date on my phone. Just as Anna had said, it was exactly two years since that day… Why do I remember it as well? 

“Ahh, I remember adorable, 1st year Kazuhiko-kun. Honestly, what happened between then and now? Well, even though your display two years ago was cute, it’s safe to say I’ve blown it out of the water!”

Anna seemingly puffed out her own chest with a self-satisfied grin plastered on her face. Seriously, why did I bother to remember that day’s date?! It pisses me off.

“Don’t compare them…”

“Hah?”

“Don’t compare them! Back then, I subtly asked you if we could talk alone and then I even asked you permission to talk about something important! You just randomly dropped this on me! You skipped so many steps that I didn’t even know how to react! My confession was way better!”

I shouted my frustrations until my voice let out. Anna just stared at me blankly.

“Kazuhiko-kun, are you really getting competitive over this?"

…I might be pathetic. How did this conversation devolve into this? Am I on the same level as Anna?

“Also, you’re aware of what your actions seemed like back then?”

Anna looked a little miffed- I'd screwed up with my wording.

“In retrospect, I might have given off the wrong hints...”

“Pft-” 

At my admittance, Anna couldn't seem to control her laughter. I felt my face heat up slightly.

Shit, why am I the flustered one now? Stop that, Anna!

It was my turn to turn away. I mirrored Anna’s actions from before- laying my arms on the railings and burying my face in them. Beside me, Anna was still laughing at my expense.

…Is it really that funny?

It was a comfortable situation, despite how it looked: me, completely embarrassed, with Anna enjoying every moment of it. 

Knowing she couldn’t see it, I weakly smiled. I wish it could stay like this forever.

As if to deliberately break my desperate peace, Anna gently tapped on my shoulder.

“I like you. Please go out with me.” 

My expression soured. 

I really hate her right now.

I stood up and turned to Anna: her face was completely beet red, and her arms were stuck to her side with fists desperately clenched. As before, she was fidgeting with anxiety.

She clearly didn’t expect me to get up, so she averted her eyes once again.

She was trying to be strong but couldn't help looking completely helpless.

“I-”

“ALSO!”

I yelped as she rushed at me. For whatever reason, Anna grabbed my tie, holding it with a death grip.

“I know you considered it when dealing with Chika-chan and Lemon-chan, so don’t say “yes” out of pity! I’ll know, Kazuhiko-kun!”

“Wh-I w- I mean-”

Ignoring my words, she continued with a gusto:

“Though to be honest, I might fold even if you’re insincere! But I’ll think less of you and myself, so don’t do it! And like, I have this heartbreak plan all planned out so you’re free to reject me, Kazuhiko-kun! Just give me like 2- no three months, wait, is even three months too little? I should have thought of this sooner…”

Oversharing there, Anna. Also, does this heartbreak plan involve a bunch of sweets and tissues? It doesn’t seem well planned out.

She’s so clumsy even now. This might be the worst confession in history.

…That being said, Anna didn’t let go of my tie. Instead, she pulled on it more, making me look right into her, deep, dark blue eyes.

Her cheeks were still completely flushed.

I felt the urge to pull back…Are you trying to make me uncomfortable, girl?

“H-honest thoughts K-kazuhiko-kun, nothing more, nothing less. I’ll stop trying to delay it.”

Our breaths were so close I could feel her take a deep sigh.

I know you want to pull back too. I know you’re wishing right now that we could both forget this ever happened. But you’re not going to let go, no matter what.

You’d already crossed that line a long time ago.

Honest thoughts Anna? I think you’re unfair, a cheater.

All that talk about me not getting ahead? You'd used that to trick me into losing before I’d realized. So don’t make assumptions about me- especially don’t think I’m caught up to you.

Please.

“I-”

I woke up from the same dream I’d been having for a while. Unfortunately, it wasn't my fantasy, just an unwelcome memory.

My back was drenched in sweat and my body felt utterly drained…

Weakly, I reached for my phone and brought the screen to my face:

It's a week until the graduation ceremony and the subsequent graduation party.

-wait, give me some time.

It's been months since then. No answer from me.

I’d asked her for space, and she’d freely given it. I was abusing her kindness to the end.

My grip on the phone slipped -the device fell flat on my face. It hurts a lot.

I knew I had to leave soon but I let myself drift back into sleep. Hopefully, Kaju will let me skip today…

…

How am I supposed to respond when I don't know my own feelings?

Chapter Text

Anna groaned in annoyance as she sat down on the rooftop floor, quite a distance from where she had held me.

“Anna-san?”

Cue much more, much louder, groaning from Anna…

…

…Is this her way of saying she wants a clear answer?

My heart tightened at the possibility.

Or was it her giving up? Should I just say something then? W-what would I even-

“Kazuhiko-kun!”

Anna's voice broke me out of my stupor. She shot me a bitter glare. 

“Unbelievable.”

The blue-haired girl clicked her tongue in frustration. Am I being scolded?

“I had to run through the entire school to find you, Kazuhiko-kun. Why the hell were you reading on the roof anyway? With a dead phone too?!”

Her eyes narrowed even further. It wasn't dead...

“...Anyways, I'm really tired right now so I'm resting. That's it.”

She then patted the bit of surface right beside her, signaling me to sit next to her. I allowed myself to enjoy a moment of relief before ‌walking over to her.

I sat down beside Anna, still not ‌believing her words. 

She hadn’t responded to my plea yet.

I would be mad if I were her- she’d been clearly expecting something substantive. 

Gathering all the courage I had, I hesitantly turned to her.

“[cough]! [cough] [cough]!”

Disregarding my worries, Anna broke into a violent coughing fit. She was really going at it too- like she had multiple hairballs in her throat or something.

“...Are you okay?”

I reflexively started patting her back. She’s not going to throw up this time, is she?

After a while, she finally fizzled out. She looked more haggard than I’d ever seen her, like she just ran two marathons, or went two full hours without eating.

“I- [cough] ran… and talked too much…held it all in until-eh?”

I realized I still had my hand on her back.

“Ah-sorry!”

I quickly withdrew it and scooted away from her for good measure. Anna was not amused.

“Kazuhiko-kun…you don’t have to worry so much. I know you’re not a creep… probably.”

Hey, I heard the last part.

“But you’d still give me grief for it, right?” I said wistfully.

“...You really are unbelievable, Kazuhiko-kun.”

Before I could retort, Anna abruptly and intentionally fell sideways… in my direction. Less than a meter and her head would’ve fallen on my lap.

“What are you doing?”

“Cool Anna-chan is over, ok?”

“Nothing you have done in the past 20 minutes has been “cool”, oka -”

“- Starting now, I’ll go back to normal: I’ll be as much of a beautiful, yet tragically unattainable school idol as I was before-”

I want to pop this girl’s ego so badly-

“-and as much of a nuisance to you as before, of course… heh heh.”

She flashed an unserious, mischievous grin, clearly visible to me as I glanced down at her side profile.

Great, more torment-  

“Why?”

The question had slipped from my mouth.

I hadn't intended to ask. I'd messed up when things were finally going my way... 

In response, Anna rolled her eyes. While puffing out her cheeks ever so slightly, she answered my question:

“Argh…isn’t it obvious? It’s giving you time to... to… come up with something, Kazuhiko-kun.”

-! 

With a haste that surprised me, I quickly rose to my feet and bowed deeply towards Anna.

“Anna-san, t-thank you very much!”

…

…I heard her roll over. No verbal response though. 

Timidly, I opened my eyes.

Of course, given how close she’d been to me, the view that greeted me was Anna, now lying flat on her back and apparently shellshocked given how she looked at me.

“Kazuhiko-kun, why are you so happy? It feels like you were the one who was confessing. Are you that glad you get to delay it? You scumbag…”

Caught red-handed, I didn't speak as I straightened up and took a few steps back from her. Ack- why the hell did I do that...

Still clearly displeased, Anna stood up as well, dusting off her summer uniform as she did so... You don’t have to look at me like I’m worth less than the dirt you're currently wiping off- I have feelings too you know.

“Frankly, given it's Kazuhiko-kun, I should've expected this outcome.”

Anna sighed with a prepared disappointment, her expression turning from near disgust to forced seriousness. 

She pointed at me, then herself, then me, and then herself- repeat, repeat, etc. For some reason, it even looked like she was less sure of herself with every time.

What the hell are you doing girl? 

She eventually stopped, crossing her arms instead.

“S-same thing between us, remember? If you want to get closer, just say the word. Also, I almost forgot, you can’t tell anyone else about this!”

You really went nowhere with the finger pointing thing, did you? I'm disappointed.

Plus, what she'd asked of me was a fool's errand. People were going to find out -two-no, three in particular.

“I’m serious! I don’t want anyone treating us differently because of this you-caused situation. Your response should be 100% you and stuff! I mean, you can ask for advice but be subtle about it! D-don’t give me that look Kazuhiko-kun!”

“Fine fine…” t hough, shouldn’t this be at least half your fault? 

Seemingly satisfied, Anna clapped her hands together, her eyes closed. 

She took one big breath of air in and then a big exhale of air out…

...

...

...

“...Good. Okay, we’re done here.”

She turned to leave, just like that. I was really a moron for thinking anything else could happen. 

Despite my better instincts, as I watched Anna go, I felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders. 

I knew I should've felt ashamed- it was immature, and it was disrespectful to Anna’s feelings-what Sousuke had tried in our first year couldn’t even compare to it. 

Worse than being dense, that’s the best way I could put it- the way that’s nicest to me.

I knew all that, yet I couldn't help myself - the feeling of normalcy between me and Anna was creeping up again, and I instinctively purged any thoughts that might've threatened it.

…It felt good. I was finally at ease.

I followed Anna to go down the emergency stairs.

“Oh, and one last thing.”

“What is it?” does she want food on her way home or something?

While not even turning her back, she casually asked something of me.

“Just be a little aware of me from now on, alright?”

“-Onii-sama?”

…I felt someone tugging on my sleeve.

“Onii-sama?”

It was probably nothing.

“Onii-sama!”

Kaju’s cry jolted me awake. 

“A-wha-whe-”

I took a quick look around me.

Train, I was sitting inside a train. 

Kaju was right beside me in her Tsuwabuki uniform, complete with her green and hazel bow ties. The train was moving, and it was… empty, besides me and Kaju.

Right, we were headed to school early today. 

I must have fallen asleep.

I sighed in relief and fixed my posture. Good, it’s nothing serious…

However, Kaju still looked worried. She leaned over towards me, carefully examining my face. It felt like I was at a medical examination or something…

“Look, you’re still sweating, mou...” 

Like a concerned mother, Kaju took out her handkerchief and started to wipe my forehead. Sorry your older brother is such a bother.

“You know you didn’t have to come if you’re that tired, right?” 

That’s true. 

I had seriously considered not coming today, but earlier, I’d promised Riko and Kaju that I would help out. So, in the end, my honorable guilt had won out, dragging me from bed.

“It’s fine,” I answered Kaju weakly; she didn’t seem convinced at all. 

“Your second stage exams for Nagoya are tomorrow as well. Then one for Aichi 2 days after that... Is it really going to be alright?”

“I had the full eight hours last night… just lazy I guess.”

It wasn’t good sleep thanks to a certain someone, but I wasn't going to tell my little sister that.

Kaju shook her head.

“I seriously doubt that Onii-sama, you’ve proven to be a hardworking person in these last few months.”

The way she said it didn't make it sound like a compliment.

“...How so?”

Kaju showed me her phone.

“Look, this is your personal schedule since July. Simply put, there’s too many events on it!”

Sure enough, everyday was packed- studying, writing for the club journal, helping with StuCo events, helping out in the library for Lit Club, and a few other events I didn’t even remember. 

I hadn’t used to be so detailed with my schedule, but the last few months had really pushed me.

“You even turned in your submissions for the club magazine in time, every time! Do you know how much that freaked out Chika-senpai?! She sent me over a hundred messages about it!”

Kaju, freaking out, leaned into me, shoving her Chika message chain in my face.

Hey, wait a minute, there’s some really mean stuff about me on there! Chika!

…Well whatever, I’ll have to deal with that later- present situation for now.

While Kaju was ranting, I calmly reached my hand out and started to gently stroke her head.

I can’t be too indulgent about it, or else she’ll notice right away. On the other hand, I can’t do it too softly and give her time to pick up on what’s happening.

Gentle, gentle, but steady pace…

Slowly, as I patted her head, Kaju went from completely stirred up, to pretty flustered, to slightly worried, then to an almost drowsy state. She turned away from me and deflated into her seat.

I sighed in relief. This was my best work yet. 

I’d only thought about the theory behind it for a few months now, but the underlying skill was honed through years of calming Kaju down. I should really tell Gondo-san about this…

“Onii-sama… you have a lot of people around you right now.”

While I had been basking in my own glory, Kaju had recovered and even spoke to me with a serious face.

I shivered with unpleasant surprise. Dammit, I didn’t expect her to regain hp so quickly.

“K-Kaju, have I told you that you look especially cute today?” I attempted my coolest, most ikemen-like smile as I tried to evade. 

She only sighed in disappointment at my weak effort.

“You’re ten years too early to get anything through flattery, Onii-sama.”

See, she said that, but I didn’t fail to notice how she quickly turned away from me, covered her mouth for a few seconds, and then turned back to me with a stern expression.

You were smiling, weren’t you? 

Well, dishonest Kaju is cute as well, so I don’t really mind.

“As I was saying, Onii-sama, you have a lot of people around you right? And all of them want you to succeed and be happy right?”

“...Yes.”

That response of mine, at least, was genuine.

A previous me might have tried to avoid the question or have even outright denied it. However, the universe seemed to love beating that fact into me over and over again-so much so I had to acknowledge it.

“What does that have to do with me working hard though? I sleep normal hours, brush my teeth, and eat three square meals a day. I even ask for help when I feel it's too much.”

My clubmates, Tiara, Chihaya, Mitsuki, Hiroto, Karen, Sousuke, all my former senpais- I'm deeply in debt to my friends in terms of favors. Hopefully I could make up for it at the graduation party.

Kaju shook her head.

“It doesn’t really have to do with that, Onii-sama, but just remember this-”

She suddenly poked the center of my chest, keeping her hand there as she continued.

 “-Even with all those who want to support you, at one point, they’ll all be too busy with their own lives, dealing with things both important and trivial. That time might come years from now or it might be tomorrow, but just remember, by then, the only person left who can help yourself...is you.”

She withdrew her hand.

“You’ll just have to rise to the occasion then.”

…

“...What brought this on?”

Kaju took a deep breath, turning away from me once again. Her gaze retreated to her own hands, now laying together on her lap, holding onto each other. Kaju’s grip on either of them was noticeably weak, the slightest pressure from her could split them apart.

“Woman’s intuition,” she answered simply, not betraying her emotions.

“So even Kaju won’t be there for me?” I teased nonchalantly, somewhat annoyed at her strange answer. 

A wave of pain rippled across Kaju’s face. She grabbed at her own heart in an exaggerated fashion. At least, I think it’s exaggerated. It doesn’t actually hurt, does it?

“Don’t say that Onii-sama!”

“Eh-but-”

She then started violently shaking me.

“K-Kaju’s helicopter parent days are over! But that doesn’t mean I won’t be there to make sure that Onii-sama has warm food, clean clothes, and a roof over his head! Just do a few things by y-yourself and you’ll have absolutely nothing to worry about!”

Referring to herself in the third person- that hasn’t happened for a…wait, she’s still shaking me!

“K-k-aju! S-s-stop-”

“-even if Onii-sama fails all his entrance exams, it’s okay! Kaju will still be there to-”

My begging was not heard, apparently. 

Your. Brother. Is. Not. A. Ragdoll. Kaju!

“And-oh, it’s our stop.”

I heard Kaju say something after the train had stopped moving. Not really sure what though…

“Come on Onii-sama.”

Holding my hand, she led my dazed self out of the train. I was lucky we came at a sparse time… a high school third-year being guided by his little sister, by hand. If someone saw me...

Kaju still held onto me as we made our way out of the station and towards the school.

To be honest, I didn’t have the heart to ask her to let go.

As a pitiful compromise, as soon as the world stopped spinning, I picked up my pace so that I was at least walking beside her.

Noticing this, Kaju’s expression lightened. She tightened her admittedly not strong grip on my hand, interlocking our fingers. 

Her pace even picked up, and she started quietly humming. 

Gosh, I haven’t seen Kaju like this in a while. I’ll have to spoil her more when I have the time.  

Still, there was something I couldn’t shake off.

“Kaju, was there anything else you wanted to say to me?”

Kaju looked up slightly, deep in thought.

“Hmm…um, could you pick up eggs on your way home Onii-sama? I might have to come in late today...”

“You know what I mean.”

Instead of answering my question, she turned to me, a warm smile gracing her face. 

“Didn't I tell you earlier? My days as a helicopter parent are over.”

"W-"

Before I could question her, Kaju continued:

“Just remember what I told you earlier, Onii-sama. You'll be alright.”

Her words forced me to take pause.

A shocking amount of assuredness had underlined her soft voice; it made me uncomfortable.

Kaju was putting trust in me. I wasn't so cowardly to ignore it, but at the same time, her expectation was heavy. I wasn't sure if I could ever meet it.

I shifted my gaze forward.

The gates to Tsuwabuki were now in view. All... well, about half of Kaju’s words ringed in my ear as I peered at the school buildings peeking out of the tree line. 

I couldn’t help but look at one in particular.

…Sure, Kaju, sure… Wait, hold on, more importantly, no more helicopter Kaju, right?

“...Does this mean you’ll be ok with taking my data off the cl-”

Her excessive pouting gave me my answer - honestly, expected. Heh, what am I going to do with her at this point? 

I couldn’t help but smile wryly. 

For the second time today, I gently patted Kaju’s head, this time with no ulterior motive.

“Mou… onii-sama, you can’t do that…Ka-I’m supposed to be all grown up already…”

The days I could walk to school with Kaju were ending. In fact, they had sharply decreased since the second closing ceremony. 

I wasn’t even planning on another visit. This was possibly my last time at Tsuwabuki before the graduation ceremony. 

And then, if my exams go well, I might have to move out for uni. I had already discussed the possibility with my parents, and they’d given the go ahead.

...Even she had changed: small little things like her speech and her mannerisms. Still recognizably Kaju today, but who knew how long that would last.

For a while, I've known that me and her would have to go our separate ways- the opportunities were to be endless in the future.

I shouldn’t even think of it as a single, clean break. No, the process had started a long time ago.

...

...Even with all of that, I steeled myself to fight for what I had with her.  

Pretending not to care wasn't cool and thinking myself uncapable wasn't going to be helpful. I want to be Kaju's precious brother, plain and simple.

My grip on her hand slightly tightened.

With whatever strength I can find, I'll hold onto this bond.

Even if it was meant to go, I wouldn't let it today.

Damn all else.

“Kazuhiko-kun, Ohayo.” 

“Ohayo, Hiroto-kun.”

What greeted me when I entered the student council was Sakurai Hiroto, the school’s perpetual treasurer. He was pouring tea into four-no five little teacups.

Though it was technically mandatory for StuCo members to resign a few months into their third year, due to a lack of interest, it’d been decided that Hiroto would remain in his position until he graduated. This was with the hope that a new first year could take over when he was gone.

When I’d asked whether he could balance StuCo with entrance exams, he’d calmly replied: 

“My schedule’s a lot freer now that Hiba-nee’s in university, so it’s okay.”    

I swear he misses her a lot.

“Ah-Prez also.”

“Ohayo Gozaimasu, Sakurai-senpai!” Kaju greeted him. 

Oh yeah…um, through an interesting string of events, Kaju had ended up as Student Council President. It was part of the reason why Hiroto had stayed on and why I was still partially involved.

It’d felt bad pushing everything on a first year, no matter how capable, especially since we'd been and still were missing a secretary. 

“Please remember to mind the sign, President,” Hiroto said, with no change to his gentle tone of voice or his soft smile.

Kaju pouted a bit. 

“I know already…”

I looked to the corner of the room… and sighed. Yep, it’s still there.

Written in bold Kanji was a very apparent black and white sign that read: “NO DISCUSSION CONCERNING NUKUMIZU KAZUHIKO UNLESS DIRECTLY RELATING TO THE LITERATURE CLUB, NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Hiroto had unilaterally put it up a month into Kaju’s term. Apparently, Kaju had talked a lot about me during StuCo time. I hadn’t realized the problem was even that bad…

…The day he'd done that- 

“IF THE SIGN GOES, I DO TOO!”

-I shuddered at the memory. 

I’d never seen Hiroto get even slightly angry before or since that incident- him pissed off was one of the scariest things I’d ever seen. 

Why did it have to be my little sister who pushed his buttons so much?! Didn’t you spend two years with Yumeko-senpai and Tiara and with Hibari-senpai for even longer? Why Kaju!?

Nope, nope, sweeping those thoughts off from my mind: Sakurai Hiroto is the sweet, polite, kind, forgiving Student Council treasurer. He never shouts and rants, no no never…

“Here's our task list for today, the school admin added a few things last minute.”

Hiroto handed me and Kaju a few pieces of stapled paper after we'd sat down in our chairs. 

Kaju flipped across it, reviewing each page carefully.

“Thank you, do you think we can complete all of it today with the manpower we have?”

Hiroto nodded.

“Yes, though I had to call in someone.”

Well, at least they get along fine for the most part... 

I decided to look through the list as well- it was mostly the same busy work StuCo typically assigned: Check in with each club for their spring break plans, clear out several storage rooms, things like that.

Still, there’s a lot to do…

“Sakurai-senpai, who did you bring in?”

Hiroto, while carefully distributing teacups, took pause before answering Kaju’s question. 

“Ah, all of us actually know her. It’s-”

As Hiroto was talking, the door to the room slid open. Standing there was Gondo Asami, Kaju’s friend and the StuCo vice-president.

“Ohayo, everyone,” She greeted us as she entered the room.

“Ah, ohayo Gon-chan!” 

“Yo, Gondo-san.”

Oddly enough, Hiroto didn’t greet her back. He appeared to be expecting something from her.

“Did you-” He started.

“Oh right, I almost forgot,” Gondo quickly answered, apparently having an epiphany. 

She turned back to the still open door. She cleared her throat before stretching her arms towards it.

“Introducing, the one and only, former student council president and potential near-ronin, Basori Tiara!”

Despite her… bombastic statement, Gondo’s monotone delivery undercut any anticipation. The room dropped into an awkward silence.

You don’t have to clap, Kaju. I think it’s confusing too.

“G-gondo-kun! Was that really necessary!?”

Poking her head out of the doorframe was former student council president Basori Tiara. She didn’t seem to like Gondo’s attempt at being a hype man.

Not responding to Tiara, Gondo instead gave Sakurai a thumbs up, who responded in kind.

“H-hiroto-kun! Did you put her up to this?!” Tiara cried.

Instead of explaining, Hiroto simply pulled out his phone and took a picture of his former, still flustered superior. I’m even more confused now.

“And…send. Shikiya-senpai told me to tease you the next time I saw you. Sorry, Basori-chan, she didn’t have time to come here herself.”  

Hiroto scratched his head while explaining. If he was trying to look remorseful, he was succeeding. C’mon, how can you not forgive that smile? 

Although, he did still send that picture.

“... Well, if it’s a favor to a former senpai… [sigh]. It's a small thing...”

You sure let him go easily. 

Tiara reluctantly came out of her hiding place and into the room. Her school look hadn't changed much in all these years: black hair done in a tight bun, a perfectly fitting uniform worn as it should be, and alternating blue and white bowties. 

Because of the cold weather, she also wore her red scarf.

“Kazuhiko-san, Kaju-Buchou … yo.” 

The former president awkwardly greeted me and Kaju, even giving us a small pathetic wave. 

Kaju gave me a look. She wasn’t expecting something so casual from Tiara.

"Tiara-san, you don’t have to pretend. We know how stiff you are.”

I tried reassuring her.

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?! I'm really trying you know!?”

She didn't appreciate it.

"Um, Tiara-san... never mind."

"Hm? What is it?"

"No, it's nothing."

Me, Tiara, and Hiroto were walking down the hall in the old school building, carrying boxes of equipment from the Astronomy club's old room. Our tasks were mostly complete at this point. Gondo and Kaju, being first years, had already gone to their classes.

I had been planning to ask Tiara about her entrance exam progress. 

After her retirement, she'd told me she was completely dedicating herself to college entrance. Hence why I didn't see her for much of our third year.

Honestly, the fact she'd showed up to the school was still surprising.

Tiara was aiming for the same national university as I was, but with no backups. Her exam was after mine- the two days from now. The Tiara I knew would have been wasting away at her cram school.

Still, it would be a little rude to ask her about that. It would sound like I was doubting her. That's not what she needs right now.

However, despite my attempt to drop the topic, Tiara became curious. I could feel her side-eyeing me as we continued walking.

"Really, what is it?" Tiara asked again.

"Just something stupid, it's not important..." once more, I tried to deflect.

Crap, I think her gaze just got icier.

"Was it perhaps something suspicious, Kazuhiko-san? Do you have anything to confess?" 

Your ability to jump to conclusions never ceases to amaze me. I don't typically commit any misdemeanors, Tiara- I'm not Riko.

"Hmm?" at my nonresponse, the girl next to me pressed me further. I could feel sweat forming on my back as I tried to think of ways to avoid the question.

"Well, I'm sure it's nothing too bad, right Kazuhiko-kun?" to my relief, Hiroto decided to intervene. Thank you...

"Whatever it is, I'm sure Basori-chan won't mind too much," he assured me.

I glanced at Tiara, she gave me a single, determined nod. I sighed in acceptance, there was no hiding from her once she got like this. Well unless I lied, but I try not to do that anymore.

"Exams..." I managed get that word out.

"What?"

"Your exams for Nagoya are in two days, right? Aren’t you worried?"

Tiara looked at me incredulously. She even started to massage her temples as if she had a headache.

"Worrywart," she only had that word to say in response.   

"I don't want to hear that from you, queen of worrywarts," I mumbled. 

"What did you say?"

"Eck... I'm serious you know... didn't you say the final stretch before the exam is crucial? Plus, you haven't applied to any others..."

"Your exam for Nagoya is tomorrow, is it not? Shouldn't you be even more concerned?" Tiara countered.

I shrugged. 

"It's not a big deal for me. I already took exams for a few other schools. Look, I didn't want you to start second-guessing yourself, so I didn't... I wasn't going to...urgh."

The more I tried explaining myself, the clumsier my words became. Why? Why did I have to bring this up...?

Tiara softly chuckled at my dismay- her mood improved. 

"Well, I'm going to review tomorrow but, it's fine for me to do other things, even just before a big exam."

"You think so?"

"Honestly Kazuhiko-san, the zeal of my preparation before might have made me..." Tiara took a moment to clear her throat. Her pink cheeks revealed she was recalling an awkward memory. "...It might have made me a little tuckered out by the actual exam day." 

"It's true, Kazuhiko-kun. It was especially bad in her first year- Basori-chan's mannerisms on test days were almost indistinguishable from Shikiya-senpai's," Hiroto chimed in to innocently reveal that not too surprising factoid.

"H-Hiroto-kun! Why?!" Tiara's previous composure evaporated. Noticing a teacher was watching us, she quickly collected herself.

The strict girl turned to me again.

"Ahem, anyways, this time, I'm taking it relatively easy. In addition, I'm confident."

"...really?"

Tiara took a deep breath.

"Yes, absolutely," Everything, from her posture to her words to her steely gaze, was solid and resolute, "my efforts will pay off this time, I'm sure of it. I can afford to ease for a bit."

...I could almost never tell how much anxiety someone was hiding, so my personal observation of her didn't mean much.

Maybe all this was her bluff that I couldn't see past. But still, right now, every sense of mine told me that I had nothing to worry about- Basori Tiara was going to be fine.

"...Sorry for doubting you," I sheepishly apologized. 

"Hmph...well, I can't be too mad at my former tutor, and I did make you say it..." 

"She also appreciates your concern, Kazuhiko-kun," Hiroto interjected.

"Hirot-Ah-well... that too I suppose..." Tiara admitted, awkwardly scratching her cheek to boot. 

With nothing more to say between us, us third-years reached and entered the room being used as an impromptu storage area.

"Okay," I said as I put my box away. "What's left?" 

For whatever reason, Hiroto was fiddling with his phone. He put it away quickly.

"Actually, that should be it for now. There's some stuff afterschool tasks, but me and the first-years can hand-"

Suddenly, a buzzing sound came from Hiroto's pocket. He took out his phone, turning around to take the call.

"Hiba-nee? Wha...you're what?! Now!? ...W-what at the station? ...I'll come right away."

Hiroto turned back to me and Basori.

"It looks like Hiba-nee's in Toyohashi right now."

"What?" 

"She's back from Kyoto a little early. But..." Hiroto sighed. "...there's some trouble at the station- her blunder is too bizarre to describe but I need to go now. Goodbye, Kazuhiko-kun, Basori-chan..." 

"Oh, ok."

Seemingly resigned, Hiroto began to head for the storage room's exit, his shoulders slumping slightly. How bad was it?! I thought Hibari-senpai was doing well.

Well, I guess me and Tiara's work here is done. I should head over to the Lit club room now; it's 40 minutes until lunch time.

"By the way, one last thing," as Hiroto was about to leave the room, he quickly turned to me and Tiara, "I prepared something for you two as thanks for helping out today. It should be in student council room's mini fridge."

"You didn't have to."

"Just accept it, Kazuhiko-kun," said the redhead with a smile. 

Hiroto then looked to Tiara, who had been rather quiet for the last minute or so.

"Good luck, Basori-chan," he told her as he waved goodbye.

With that, Sakurai Hiroto left the two of us alone.

Did he mean for Tiara's exam? Why didn't he say good luck to me too?

"Well," I said to Tiara, "I guess we head to the StuCo room."

No response.

"Tiara-san?"

I took a better look at her. It seemed like she had frozen in place: Her hands were on her chest like she was checking her heartbeat, and her eyes were fixed, seemingly on nothing in particular. Strangely, for no reason, the hue of her ears and face were starting to match her crimson scarf.

"Yes!" Out of nowhere, not even looking at me, Tiara abruptly gave me her delayed response. She started rushing towards the door in series of small but rapid steps.

Her behavior had shifted so quickly... she was so nervous now. Was it just random? I should I just ignore it?

Wait... hold on. I took account of the day: Hiroto's actions, Tiara's actions, that phone call. If I could relate that to some my... past experiences...

...

...

...oh, that makes sense. Still kind of a reach though.

...

...

OH.

The full realization hit me all at once. I think my brain just short-circuited...

"K-Kazuhiko-san! Sha-shall we go?!" Tiara, standing on the doorframe, urged me in a nervous yet overly aggressive manner. Her eyes were frantic but somehow focused entirely on me.

I gulped.

"Sure, yeah..."

Reluctantly, I took a step forward.

Me and Tiara were almost to the student council room- the rhythm of our steps had been awkwardly misaligned the entire way there.

I looked behind me- nothing but hallway.

Hmm, I wonder what Hiroto is doing.

"W-what do you mean Kazuhiko-san? H-Hiroto-kun must be on his way to the station right now... to help P-Hokobaru-senpai and other such things..."

Crap, did I say that out load? If Tiara's blustering response was any indication, yeah, I did...

"Of course! I don't know what I was thinking! ...Ha ha, ha-" 

"-Ha ha..." Tiara found it necessary to join in my forced laughter. Thankfully, it died out once we realized we looked like freaks.

So embarrassing... I want to die...

...Still, it had to be worse for her. 

I fought the urge to say anything. I could still be completely wrong, but even if I wasn't, none of it was up to me.

Ultimately, it was Tiara's feelings- hers to hide or show as she pleased.

As her friend, I knew it would be better for her to say it aloud, no matter the consequences. Speaking for my self-interest though... it was bad timing. I'd been busy in my entire third year- a lot was done, but there was still some stuff on my plate.

To suddenly have more on it...

...urgh, I realized I had been planning to discourage her. What's wrong with me these days?

I had no right to complain. Tiara couldn't look inside my head; she barely had a view of my life. Besides, it was partially my fault the situation became like this. 

Before I had realized it, the two of us had reached the student council room's door.

After subtly squaring my shoulders, I slid it open.

My response to her was decided, at least- that wouldn't change.

As per Hiroto's instructions, I went to the room's minifridge, opening it to only find two small, white paper boxes. I took both of them out.

"Tiramisu, huh?" I said as I read the labeling.

"L-let's eat it here then..."

"...Alright."

We quietly set up for the desert, Tiara grabbed two forks while I gently placed each of the square cake slices on their own plate.

"Here."

I passed Tiara a plate.

"Thank you..." 

We sat next to each other, Tiramisu in front of us, but neither of us were willing to even start eating.

We remained stuck in that stasis for longer than I care to admit.

"So, Tiara-san," she slightly flinched as I started talking, "what, uh what program did you apply for again?"

I'd actually known that already, but of all the conversation topics, it was the one that came to mind first.

Tiara looked appropriately puzzled.

"Kazuhiko-san... I believe I told you on multiple occasions that I applied to the undergraduate law program, did I not?"

"...sorry, bad memory."

Great, now I look like an inconsiderate bastard.

The black-haired girl sitting next to me looked a bit annoyed, but her anxiety had gone a bit- that was good.

"You applied for the economics department, if I recall?" asked Tiara.

"Not for Nagoya, I applied for the Japanese department," I replied. "Aichi University was economics."

Tiara tilted her head in confusion. 

"That's certainly an odd approach considering the difference in subject tests... any other differences in application?"

"For the other universities I applied for, I went with Japanese. Just Aichi is econ."

"Any particular reason?"

"...just a whim."

"[sigh] You should take your future more seriously, Kazuhiko-san," Tiara said with a disapproving glare. "Do you even know what you want to do for your career?"

I started to sweat bullets.

 "...Your silence speaks volumes. What did you put down on your career sheet then?"

This is starting to feel like I'm being grilled by my guidance counselor...

"Um well...teacher for first choice...and I couldn't fill out the rest of it," I reluctantly answered her.

"Your reasons for doing so?"

Embarrassed, I covered part of my face with my hand.

"Just... Konuki-sensei told me I had the temperament for it in 2nd year- that's kinda it."

Disappointment did not leave Tiara's face.

"Well [sigh], that's not the worst reason... and despite who it came from, I think that assessment is fairly accurate-"

To my surprise, Tiara's expression shifted into a slight smile. 

"-I think you would make a great teacher, Kazuhiko-san. Do think more about your career though."

"E-thanks..." Tiara seemed really mature just now...

Pleased with our exchange, she began on her Tiramisu, prompting me to do the same. It's good, Hiroto must have picked a good bakery; it honestly might second best Tiramisu I've had- behind Kaju's of course.

By now, previous tense atmosphere between me and Tiara had thankfully gone away. We quietly ate away at our deserts, not a word more between us before we'd finished. 

When my portion was gone, I looked up at the time: It was fifteen minutes until lunchtime. Honestly, I should head over to the Lit club now, but out of consideration for someone, I decided to stay.

Tiara must have noticed this. She stole some glances at me before speaking:

"Kazuhiko-san, could you stand up?" 

I hesitated before answering.

"Sure."

I got up from my seat, with Tiara doing the same. We stood facing each other, alone together in the student council room. She didn't look as anxious as before- if anything, her piercing black eyes showed only raw determination.

"I have the sneaking suspicion that you already know what I'm going to say. Is that right?" To me, she inquired that strange question.

...I really didn't want to, but I nodded.

"I also think I know what your answer is going to be. Is that right as well?"

Her voice hadn't wavered.   

I nodded once again, my eyes now refusing to meet hers.

I heard Tiara sigh, whether it was out of resignation or something else, I didn't know.

No matter my thoughts, she continued.

"Regardless, I want to say it properly-" 

Right as those words registered for me, I forced myself to look at her again. I could barely process Tiara's resolute form before I was hit by that expected, but nonetheless poignant line:

"-I love you, Kazuhiko-san."

No matter how obvious the signs had been, no matter any previous warning, nothing could have prepared me for a moment like this: 

Her words, her overwhelming sincerity, even the subtle pink blush that had crept onto her face- for just a moment, my heart was swayed by her.

Basori Tiara was an incredible girl. She had been when I first met her, and it was only more so the case now: An honest, serious person who would never stop trying- utterly, fundamentally different from me.

I envy that part about her, especially now. Maybe even a little jealous.

...Still, despite my admiration, I couldn't give her the words she wanted.

After what seems like an eternity, I opened my mouth:

"Tiara-san, I-"

"-I understand," She cut me off. Tiara broke eye contact with me- her posture became visibly more relaxed, and her expression slowly dropped into a bittersweet smile...

"I've known what the answer was going to be for a while now... I just wanted this to be off my chest..."  

Her gaze shifts to the room's blank whiteboard. After a moment Tiara slowly exhaled, as if the breath she'd been holding was now free to go.

"I-I'll be able to move forward now," she said, surprisingly calm.

"Thank you for hearing me out, Kazuhiko-san."

She turned towards the door, intending to leave.

"Don't worry about me too much. I've already done plenty of crying beforehand."

Tiara lightly chuckled before she started to walk towards the exit. 

"Wait, -"

The former student council president turned back to look at me one last time. 

"-why?" I regretted the question the moment it left my mouth.

I panicked.

"Y-you don't have to answer that! I-it's dumb and I didn't mean it and I'm sorry for asking such a thing at this time and-and..."

How could I ask such a insensitive, self-serving question? Just because-just because- urgh, I can't even admit it...Why do I have to make this about me?

Luckily, Tiara gave me a sympathetic look- she even looked somewhat amused. 

"Honestly, Kazuhiko-san... when you're like this... it's too fun," she smiled again. "To answer your question, however... I thought you were cool."

 "...actually?"

"Yes, actually: capable, kind, perhaps a little too aware of your shortcomings. It's embarrassing to describe... but your vulnerabilities gave you a cute side a well..."

...

"Honestly, is it that hard to imagine a girl being attracted to you? I know you've been confessed to before..." the black-haired girl in front of me averted her eyes, her cheeks becoming beet red once again- a bit of that cute, awkward Tiara had seemingly returned.

At the very least, the sight eased me enough to respond.

I scratched the back of my head. 

"No... I just... I was just wondering how you were so sure about..."

"What?"

"Ne-never mind... I'm sorry I even asked you about this." 

Tiara shook her head.

"Not at all, Kazuhiko-san, goodbye now. Good luck, by the way."

With that, Basori Tiara slid open the door and left the student council room, possibly for the last time. I stood still, looking at the still-opened door as the sound of her footsteps became dimmer and dimmer, eventually turning into nothing.

You're still coming to the graduation party, right?

An innocent question.

I had wanted to ask her that, but ultimately, I couldn't- I didn't know the distance between us now or how I should approach her from now on- our relationship had entered that ambiguous phase. I would have to especially mind her from now on, even as I was dealing with...

...I'm making this about me again.

"Are you okay, Kazuhiko-kun?"

Sakurai Hiroto walked into the student council room like nothing had happened. As expected, he had still been at the school.

"Shouldn't you be asking Tiara that?"

Hiroto shrugged.

"Earlier, Basori-chan told me to give her alone time if this outcome occurred."

"Still-"

"-I'll make sure to check on her later, don't worry."

With Hiroto's assurance, I allowed myself to relax just a bit. 

"Thanks... but why go through all this- I mean, she has my LINE, she could have just called me out-"

Hiroto sighed.

"That's what I said but Shikiya-senpai suggested a confession place with a lot of mutual memories and then Hiba-nee egged that idea on and then Basori-chan just went along with it... Eventually, it kind of snowballed into all this. Sorry about deceiving you, Kazuhiko-kun."

Hiroto lightly grasped at his stomach, he looked a little sick. All this must have been tough for him. I hope the ulcers aren't back. 

"Wait, Yumeko-senpai and Hibari-senpai? So that phone ca-"

"We thought it would be more convincing if it was "real"," he admitted. "I think you even saw me texting Hiba-nee to call me, just before it happened."

So that's what that was- can't say it's fun to be on the receiving end of one of these schemes.

"...Can I ask who was involved?"

"Just me, Basori-chan of course, Hiba-nee, and Shikiya-senpai."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"No one else even knew about it?"

"Yes, we only talked about it in a group chat."

...So just the former student council them. Admittedly, that fact eased some tension in my mind. Some.  

"Here," Hiroto offered me a glass of water he had just fetched. I hadn't even noticed him doing it.

Without even a thanks, I took it and emptied the glass in a single gulp.

"I really needed that."

"Did you know about her feelings beforehand?" Hiroto asked as he sat down at his usual spot. He took some documents out from his bag and looked over them as he talked.

"...Yeah, since the start of this school year, I think."

Hiroto let out a small laugh.

"Took you long enough."

"What? Why?"

She started liking me by then, right? Was it a bit before?

"Nothing... you know, Basori-chan really meant what she said. Not the big one, the thing before: she already knew what your answer was going to be."

"I know."

I put the glass down on the table.

"She had already figured that one out months ago and she pretty much gave up hope... but she didn't want to leave it unresolved, especially when there was no guarantee how much she'll see you in the future."

"...I know yeah."

Why was he telling me this?

Hiroto looked up at me.

"It's because you seemed troubled."

What? Did I-

"You weren't talking aloud, Kazuhiko-kun. You just looked annoyed."

I'm sure I look even more annoyed now.

He continued:

"That question to Basori-chan earlier- it seemed out of character for you. I'm guessing you're dealing with something big right now, maybe something similar to her situation. So, I thought explaining her reasoning might help."

"You were listening?"

Hiroto looked a little embarrassed.

"I apologize, but I was too invested by that point."

My life isn't a soap opera, Hiroto. It would have been canceled for low ratings if it was.

"-but anyways, is my hypothesis right?"

"...how much do you know?" My question came out more accusatory than I'd imagined.

Despite that, Hiroto still smiled at me.

"Nothing, but judging from your reaction, I'm right on the money."

He was correct, unfortunately.

Hiroto went back to his papers. I thought I heard a small sigh escape his mouth. Don't worry, I'm kinda fed up with me too.

"Well, whatever it is Kazuhiko-kun, I won't ask for more details. As a friend, all I can say is that it's probably bothering you more than you think. Don't leave any regrets, okay?"

Any response to that got caught in my throat.

After a moment, the school's bell rang, signaling the start of lunch break.

Maybe I should tell him everything, promise to Anna be damned. Anything he would suggest would honestly be better than whatever I was doing currently.

...but he seemed busy, so in the end, I left the student council room without saying a word.

There was no one to greet me when I entered the Literature club room. 

Chika was writing, Lemon was probably running somewhere, and Anna... she was hopefully studying.

That was to say that I was the only third year to come today. 

Kaju would probably head to the StuCo room- as for Riko...

Right, Riko sometimes grabbed food from off-campus.

I had thought about doing that too, but then I'd realized my appetite was gone from the Tiramisu- among other things.

...Well, that meant some alone time for me. Good opportunity to unwind, I guess. 

I reached for the carboard box on top of one the storage lockers, taking it and carefully placing it on the main table. I then opened it to find my secret stash of books.

Hiding in plain sight- this way, I was able to hide more rauc-I mean niche titles right in the club room. I don't think even Kaju has found them yet.

Hmm...what should I pick... I don't have much time until Riko gets here...Of course!

I grabbed the last volume of <Can I Have a Romantic Comedy While on the Run?> and then placed my stash box back in its place. 

I had been just at the climax before I'd left off almost a week ago, the mc was about to confess to the main heroine, the girl who often hid him in her room when he was hiding from the police.

If I go quickly, I could at least get through this penultimate moment.

I flipped to the page where I'd left off:

Never have I been certain about anything until now.

...

My life of crime, this ambiguity, all of it has to end. I want to date her normally, live with her normally, and grow old with her in peace. To do this, I have to make the first step:

...

"Atsuko-san, my feelings for you are absolute. I lov-

Low brow trash. Completely unrealistic.

This guy was still calling her a tool earlier in the volume and now he's all googly-eyed? What has it been in-universe, a week? That's way too short.

Waste of my time, waste of a series, and a waste of two thousand yen.

I closed the novel, got up, and dropped it in the rubbish bin.

...It's better to look over the club magazine.

I turned on the club laptop and began combing through the draft of the magazine's end of school year edition.

Hmm... there's definitely some work to do but it's nothing we can't complete by the graduation ceremony. Riko and Kaju did a good job.

I heard the door slide open.

"Hello, Prez. Thank you so much for coming today."

Entering the room was my cute, ever seemingly affable kouhai, Shiratama Riko. She gave me a small wave before walking over and sitting down next to me. In her hand was an egg sandwich, presumably her lunch.

"I'm not "Prez" anymore, remember?"

"Oh, that's right, silly me," Riko cutely bonked herself. "Tee hee."

"Sly as always... President Riko."

Given that 4 members of this six-person club were graduating, and that Kaju was already StuCo president, I'd passed the Lit. Club presidency over to Riko.

Both me and Chika had concerns of course, but I've found that Riko had actually become passionate about this kind of thing. Plus, her writing was good- which was more than you can say about me.

Pretending to be bashful, Riko turned away from me ever so slightly.

"Pr-Senpai, I'm not sure I'm ready to be called that, it's all a bit overwhelming."

Covering her face, Riko withdrew a bit more. It appeared very believable.

Still, you're not fooling me, though the act is admittedly adorable. 

"Anyways, the draft looks fine," I showed her the laptop screen. "I've suggested some changes, want to go over them now?"

"You're no fun sometimes, Prez..." She silently grumbled. You're not as quiet as you think.

However, without missing a beat, Riko then turned to me with shy but cheerful smile. 

"...Ok, let's-um, let's do it!" 

It's better to accept this part this part of her. Yep, that's the right choice.

Despite that mask-shift, me and Riko were able to worth through the draft without issue, editing it as we went.

Riko was taking it seriously as well- I even caught her biting her thumbnails a few times. Unsure Riko is a rare sight indeed, I'm definitely storing this memory away for future enjoyment.

"That should be it, right?" I said after we finished discussing the last portion. 

"...yes."

I closed the laptop.

"So, anything wrong?"

I hadn't failed to pick up on downcast tinge to Riko's voice. My question seemed to have surprised her a bit- her eyes perked up.

"...Senpai, why did you join the Lit. Club?" she asked, seeming unsure of herself.

?

"...A senpai kinda pressured me into it. I was actually a ghost member before Chika made me attend."

"Eh!?" Riko looks dumbfounded. That's right, I actually never told her about this.

"A-Anna-senpai then?" 

"Signed up to avoid a barbecue."

"Eh?! Her!?" 

Riko sounded uncharacteristically shocked.

Huh, you know, it does sound strange when I put it like that.

"Well, there was some circumstances at the time, but it's too much to go over."

Riko hesitantly nodded, still confused. She opened her mouth again- I knew what she was gonna say though: 

"L-"

"-She found out her crush had a girlfriend."

Riko was now officially lost.

The new Lit. Club president slumped down in her chair.

"...What about Chika, not curious about her?" I asked.

"I already knew she joined out of genuine interest; she seemed different."

Well, it's good to know you doubted the rest of us.

"Hey, why did you ask me about all that anyways?"

Riko shot me an utterly dead look- don't tell me you learned from Anna.

Quickly enough though, she recovered into her perfect smile, fixing her posture along the way.

"Heh heh, sorry, Senpai. I know it's not my style, but I was just wondering how to attract new members. I-um, I'd rather not this club be shut down." 

That's what this is about? No need to be indirect about it.

"Don't worry about that so much then, that's still over a month away- nothing worth fretting over," I tried to relieve her worries. "Besides, this club was two members when I entered Tsuwabuki- so it's been in peril before."

My valiant attempt fell flat on its face: 

"That's easy for Senpai to say..." Riko grumbled with an adorable pout- that's maybe half real frustration and half a bit. "Maybe Kaju-chan wi.... no."

"You're probably right on that. Kaju will be ruthless to her own club with you in charge."

It was actually an excellent arrangement; there could be no accusations of bias this way. 

"What's that supposed to mean? Please take this seriously, Senpai..." Riko's pout intensified.

Luckily, my Kouhai seemed to quickly drop the subject.

She turned away from me and softly sighed, the puff in her cheeks dissipating.

"Well... most of the reasons Senpai gave seem too circumstantial. I'm not sure what I can do with that..." she said as she fiddled with the hem of her skirt.

That's fair, I hardly believe the events myself.

"...Okay, I just have to find three Chika-senpais then." Riko said, her fist softly clenched and head raised. 

I guess that's her resolution. Weird phrasing though.

Well, whatever, it's still the Senpai's duty to support all his Kouhai's endeavors:

"During the first week, make sure to check all the girls' bathrooms during lunch."

Riko blinked at me, confused.

"Huh? Why?"

"Trust me on this one." I gave her a thumbs up. 

Riko didn't reciprocate- her skepticism appeared to stay... and in fact, she looked a bit grossed out.

"Not to be rude Senpai... but you say weird things sometimes."

I'm not sure my ego can handle the look you're giving me. It's not as creepy as it sounds, I swear.

"R-Regardless, if you're serious, I can't imagine recruiting can go wrong. Just uh- just don't mess up the speech at the opening ceremony."

The Lit club's record on that front had been 0-2 under my watch- with the second one somehow being worse than the first... urgh I want to pull on my hair when just thinking about it.

Oh, I think I was actually doing that just now. That hurts.

As the horrors of the past continued to haunt me, Riko smiled as she inched her chair closer to mine.

"Ah, That's the Senpai I know!" she happily exclaimed while being too close for comfort.

...Don't respond directly, Nukumizu Kazuhiko, she's just trying to get a rise out of you. 

"By the way, aren't you going to eat that?" I pointed to the egg sandwich Riko had left on the side of the table. "You haven't touched it."

That caused Riko to slightly pull away from me. If she was displeased, it didn't show on her smile.

I suppose my bait worked?

"Expected... I actually don't have an appetite right now, Senpai," her bright expression stayed on, "but could we look at this right now?"

From her skirt pocket, she pulled a slip of folded paper. Riko spread it out to reveal... a speech?

"I wrote a draft for the opening ceremony. I was hoping we could look over it together."

"Pf-" I stopped myself.

"...What was that?" asked Riko, her expression suddenly becoming darker. 

"...Nothing, let's do it."

A laugh had almost slipped out.

The sight of my devilish Kouhai taking her club so seriously, while still acting as she'd usually done? Too amusing. It's better to encourage this than to laugh at it, I know, but still... 

For the rest of the lunch break, me and Riko went over her draft speech.

She even read it out in front of me as a practice. Her public speaking wasn't Chika bad, but it needed some work before the ceremony.

Nevertheless, I didn't have many worries about whether she would succeed or not...

...

...I sighed, too quietly for Riko to hear.

Even though I should've just been proud of her, some complicated feelings had begun to emerge within me.

It wasn't Riko's fault. It was most likely because she'd come in the middle of this surprisingly eventful day.

I looked at my junior, attempting her speech again. Her voice wasn't registering though my ears.  

She was trying so hard.

Riko knew what the future held and yet was still moving towards it at impeccable pace.

In an odd, indirect way, she reminded of that strict, black-haired girl I had just turned down.

Compared to them, and everyone else I knew, I was just standing still.

Because of that, shamefully, I had, bit by bit, let some of my envy for them turn into resentment. I hadn’t felt it much for Tiara, but it had only built up more over time.

Now, with Riko, it was enough for me to realize.

"Senpai?"

I was suddenly knocked from my trance by Riko's concerned voice.

"Are you okay?"

Her face matched her tone. She was genuinely worried for me.

"Yeah, yeah... um, just tired, I didn't get much sleep last night- studying." 

"Mou, please pay attention."

Though seemingly far from completely believing me, Riko continued with her speech practice. 

I'm relieved she hadn't catch on...

...I guess Hiroto was right about that one.

Chapter Text

Exam day.

I arrived at Nagoya University's campus, perhaps with less buffer time than I would have liked. While walking to my test building, I cursed the chilly late February weather.

For a bit, I mused whether I could hit up the uni's FamilyMart. The thought of warm oden, some deliciously greasy fried chicken, and a good helping of croquettes seemed very tempting to my cold, famished self. Yum...

Ack, no. I pinched myself to control my cravings. 

I didn't have time, maybe if I hadn't had three servings of rice for breakfast... and besides, I would never hear the end of it from a certain jerk if I missed my entrance exam for food.

While wiping drool from my face, I continued my way to the umm... Liberal Arts and Sciences Building...A? I think that's what it's called...

Just as I passed the main library, I noticed ahead a tall, thin figure.

Standing on the edge of the sidewalk away from the road, close to and towards a wilted tree, he was almost hunched over- likely looking over some note cards. It must be another examinee.

Oh wait, judging by the silhouette, this might be someone I know...

As I inched closer, my sight validated my judgment more and more. Eventually, at a safe distance, my steps stopped.

...Yep, it was him.

Less than twenty meters in front of me was the moron who was causing me so much trouble. He wore a green parka over a gray jumper and a pair of brown slacks.

What were the chances? I had known we weren't in the same test room, so I'd expected to only see him after it was all over. Well, I guess this time is as good as any...

...For whatever reason, I didn't greet him. 

Instead, I started to quietly compare the boy in front of me to my memory of his first-year self. Maybe I was in a nostalgic mood…

His hair wasn't any different, just the same dark hair in the same bland yet familiar cut.

I knew our height gap had, infuriatingly, increased in these past few years, but it was hard to tell, especially from here.

I also knew he wasn't as skinny as before, but again, it was hard to tell.

Even his clothes- he'd worn that exact getup during our first year, I was sure of it.

Plainly, there was nothing physical, nothing easy to point to, that showed how much he, and my view of him, had changed. Not that I knew what something like that would be...

Ultimately, it was to be expected. The time we'd known each other- it was rather short.

Still, that fact, among other things, hadn't made my life easy.

Before and after that two-year anniversary, I'd constantly questioned why I felt the way I did. Eck, the memory of rolling on, then off my bed unfortunately came to mind. Well actually it was several, separate memories of that happening- it'd really hurt every time. Like, the floor of my room was pretty solid.

...anyways, despite all that doubt, when I'd see him in person, it would slowly become clear.

Looking at pictures wasn't enough, nor was going over hours of text history. His live presence was what was crucial.

That fact hadn't changed now, as I stood there in the cold, silently watching him.

I almost let out a laugh, with the expectedness of my thoughts.

All the flaws I'd let slip, all his rude remarks, all the times we'd annoy or hurt each other- I remembered it still, but now, that past friction appeared so miniscule.

Important? Maybe, but dwarfed by my dominant conviction- my firm belief that the most fundamental thing between us wouldn't change-

-In effect, I knew I would always choose to be beside him. 

Even if we were to become utterly unrecognizable from now, even if the memory of our first meeting disappeared, he'd stay the person I wanted most in my life.

I couldn't imagine it was out of any need-not one I could name anyway. Our faults weren't so big that they couldn't be patched up by ourselves eventually... No, I simply trusted that his presence would make my life that little bit brighter. It was a plain, implicit, almost invisible want.

No matter how much we would misunderstand and fight, I’d be bound to reach that conclusion again and again.

How this reality had come about within me, I didn't know. It'd been a painfully slow and embarrassing process- the thoughts of my previous stumbles were enough to send me down a never-ending spiral.

Regardless, by now, I had fully accepted the affection so thoroughly etched into me. I was willing to go through it all with him- the happy, the irritating, the downright bizarre.

Not coincidentally, at the present moment, with just this awkward, one-sided observation, I felt the spot beside him was a place I could happily and effortlessly slide into. The unconscious pull was almost irresistible...

...

...Which was why it was so strange that I continued to stand still.

My voice was also conspicuously absent. It would be so easy to get his attention- he was so close I could do it accidentally.

Yet not a single fiber of my being was willing to move, to even risk him noticing me.

...Resigned to this status quo for now, I examined Nukumizu Kazuhiko a little closer.

He was noticeably tense. His posture had stayed in the same awkward bent position he'd been in when I'd first seen him, refusing to budge. He was also holding his stack of notecards too tightly, causing them to bend slightly. Hmm, if I had to guess, the upcoming exam was really getting to him.

His expression also confirmed my suspicions. Kazuhiko held a frustrated, admittedly cute expression as he angrily squinted at his notes. Heh, he could be so single minded sometimes, looking like a weirdo just standing there- so focused he had no idea I was right next to him. I bet he's sweating buckets under all those layers.

I wondered if the cold was getting to him. This wasn't the type of weather where you would keep your hands out for long.

Oh- fittingly, this idiot's hands were bright red. Why didn't he grab some mittens? I should really say something.

Also, and it's something I just realized, but his cheeks were also completely flushed by the cold.

...Ah, well I guess that bit's not too important... mine were undoubtedly the same way, maybe brighter.

Phew, it might be a good thing he can't see me right now.

Just as I was getting comfortable, Kazuhiko put away his note cards into his pocket. Then, he slowly fixed his crooked posture, letting off an audible sigh as he did so. My heartbeat accelerated at the thought of him noticing me. Countless potential excuses, each one flimsier than the last, began to flood my mind.

Luckily, he didn't pick up my presence. Kazuhiko simply turned in the opposite direction and began walking away from me. 

...As I watched his figure get smaller and smaller, I reluctantly recognized my folly, why I hadn't acted normally:

I had been- no, I was still scared- scared of what his words could've been if we had talked.

I knew it wasn't a reasonable fear. Tactless as he was, Kazuhiko wouldn't spring that on me just before our entrance exam.

Still, that cowardly part of my mind had screamed that there was a chance. Apparently, that was enough to stall me. 

I thought that I would be better at this.

On that day, over seven months ago, I had done the most nerve-wracking thing in my life. After that, I had believed my fear of rejection, of things permanently changing between me and him, had been overcome.

In reality, it had stayed- itching to pop whenever I was with him.

Even though I'd crossed that boundary of no return, everyday was still a battle.

...And sometimes, I lost.

Maybe it was because I hadn't expected to see him this early. If I'd known, I could've emotionally prepared myself and have talked to him normally. That could just be wishful thinking though...it had never been this bad before.

...I wondered whether this painful wait had made my anxiety worse. Just the idea made me want to grab his collar and angrily demand an answer - I hated the thought of missing time with him because I was afraid.

For the most part, we'd acted so normally with each other after my confession.

I was glad that was the case, but it occasionally made me wonder if anything really did happen between us. Sometimes it really did feel like a dream...

…Did he maybe forget what I did?

I clenched my fists in frustration before I quickly loosened.

No, Kazuhiko wouldn't do that; he took things seriously, as much as he didn't like showing it.

He was certainly taking his time, but I trusted that his eventual response would be genuine- whether it be what I wanted or not.

I sighed at my perhaps unfound confidence towards him.

I'm going to give him so much grief when it's all over, no matter the outcome. He better be prepared.

Until then... I resolved to treat him as I'd always had.

I might've broken our promise earlier but there's still the time after the tests. I was going to approach him then. We were going to chat as usual, get irked as usual, and tease each other... as usual. Most importantly, I'd be prepared for any response of his- if he decided to give it. 

Urgh, just the thought is making me sweat. Oh well, can't be too afraid all the time...

I checked the time on my phone- 3 minutes until the exams starts.

...Oh no. I need to go.

As I inelegantly sprinted to my test building, a single plea went through my mind.

It was a pointless venture.

I knew.

The person it was intended for had no way of hearing it, but I repeated in my head as if he did:

Nukumizu Kazuhiko, don't make me wait too long.

"Ahh..."

I deeply exhaled as I exited the test building amongst a crowd of examinees. The sun was now out in full view, accentuating the warmer afternoon temperature.

The entrance exam had gone... ok, I guess. Maybe a bit harder than the mock ones. 

...I was more worried about how another person did.

I scanned the crowd around me. That bundle of blue hair was nowhere to be seen. I didn't know whether I was sad or relieved about that fact.

Texting was an option, but-

Suddenly, I felt my phone buzz.

Given the timing, that must have been her. I guess she beat me to it. 

Awkwardly, I squirmed out of the crowd, making my way to an empty space on the side of a building, near a bunch of bike racks.

I looked at my phone. To my surprise, the LINE text wasn't from Anna, but rather Hiroto. I hadn't talked to him since the... events yesterday.

<H: Hi, Kazuhiko-kun. Are you finished with the entrance exam?>

<K: I wouldn't have read your text if I wasn't.>

<K: What's up?>

<H: I forgot to text you right away, but I checked up on Basori-chan after school.> 

I gulped...

Before I could respond, Hiroto sent another message:

<H: She was ok.>

<H: She was mostly focused on studying. Nothing was off.>

I have to admit, I'm relieved.

<K: Did you ask her about it directly?>

<H: Yes, but Basori-chan said she was ready for it- told me that she's on the road to moving on now.>

...I wasn’t satisfied.

<K: Any signs of stress eating?>

The pace of my typing was frantic.

<K: Or any indication she was trying to take mind off it?>

<K: Like,>

<K: Did she seem too focused?>

<K: It's hard to tell sometimes but she could be holding it in>

Hiroto didn't respond right away, leaving me to stare at what I'd just written.

Maybe it was egotistical of me to think I could affect Tiara that much.

Though I could guess, I didn't know the extent of her feelings- maybe they were something she could easily move past. I also knew she was a strong girl, so maybe she really had been ready for it.

...That felt like giving myself an excuse though. I wanted to know for sure that she was ok. She was my friend after all, so being a bit presumptuous was fine by me.

My phone buzzed with a new message from Hiroto.

<H: You really are worried about her, aren't you, Kazuhiko-kun?>

<K: Yeah>

<H: As I said, nothing was off.>

<H: Really.>

<H: Believe me, I've seen depressed Basori-chan.>

<H: Remember what she said yesterday? About crying plenty beforehand?>

<H: That was true. She's already mourned a lot already, months ago.>

...

<K: Was it bad?>

<H: Don't be beat up about it, there wasn't anything you could've done.>

He was right.

Still, considering both Yumeko-senpai and Hibari-senpai now lived away, Hiroto must've been the one comforting Tiara. If nothing else, I felt bad for not helping him with other things more...   

<H: Plus, she only ruined one of my shirts, so it could have been worse.>

<H: Well, okay, only one completely.>

What the hell did she do?! Now I really felt for him. No one should be used as another's tissue...

<K: Is there anything you need?>

<K: Anything you need help with?>

<K: I feel you've been dealing with this all by yourself>

Awkward as it was, I wanted to thank Hiroto for his efforts somehow...

<H: I'm fine. Just relieved it's all over for the most part.>

<H: Just stay friends with Basori-chan. That's my only request.>

<K: Yes, of course.>

I had been planning to do that anyways, but it was only right to assure him.

The thought of texting Hiroto goodbye and making my way home crossed my mind- I was pretty satisfied with our conversation after all.

However, there was one last thing I wanted to ask.

<K: You don't have to answer this, but was there a particular reason why Tiara-san gave up?>

Again, for a long time, Hiroto didn't reply.

Just when I was thinking about retracting it- a new message appeared.

<H: Nothing like that, I think.>

<H: But,>

<H: It's really no wonder why Basori-chan didn't value her chances.>

I was confused at his vague answer. Had I done something? 

<K: What do you mean?>

<H: I mean,>

<H: It was pretty clear,>

<H: You like Yanami-san, right?>

"Yo, Kazuhiko-kun. Whatcha doing?"

I jumped at that familiar voice, almost dropping my phone in the process. Panicked, I quickly turned to find Anna a few paces away from me, donned in a white, winter coat and a long beige skirt. She seemed a bit surprised, perhaps due to my reaction.

My exact emotions at the time were a complicated matter.

"Hey, you look like you saw a ghost." 

Anna started poking her own cheek.

"See, still alive."

I blinked in confusion.

What's that supposed to prove? I would assume ghosts could at least affect themselves. W-what do I even say to that?

“...Good afternoon, Anna-san.” I decided to go with something simple.

"By the way, who were you texting?" She asked, pointing at my phone, which was still in my hand. 

Trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, I turned off the device and shoved it in my pocket. Hopefully, I didn't seem too nervous.    

"...Kaju." I lied with a steady voice, my eyes not quite meeting her's.

Apparently, my words didn't inspire confidence, causing a slight worry to develop on Anna's face.  

"Kazuhiko-kun, you seem tense. Was it something important?"

"No, nothing- just the usual with Kaju. I just have some remaining test stress- has to be."

"Hmm... ok."

Skepticism remained in Anna's expression. Today was one of her perceptive days I guess...

"Oh! I almost forgot," Anna exclaimed, quickly moving onto a new topic, "how did the test go for you? Feel good about it?"

"Fine."

"Eh... expected response. Didn't you get a high score for the mock exams though? If you think it was just fine, doesn't that mean the test was actually really hard..."

"...Anna-san, you took the same test."

At least, I hope she did. She went to the right test room, right?

"Yeah, it was ok," she replied, "but there's multiple ways to do bad on a test, Kazuhiko-kun."

"I see...?"

"For example, you can think a test is not so bad, then you realize afterwards that you overlooked something huge."

"Ok..."

"So, like, if someone who you expect to do good says it was hard, that's a bad sign."

I didn't even...her logic was pretty hard to follow. If she felt ok about her test, I doubted it was a big deal.

"Anna-san, who did you hear this from?"

Despite her general behavior and frequent leaps in logic, Anna didn't fail many tests if at all. She was a fairly middle of the road student at Tsuwabuki, so I doubted she had experienced something like this before...

"Hm? Tiara-chan told me about it a few months back- yunno, at the group study sess? It's been on my mind since then..."

Just the mention of Tiara probably made me wince a bit, but Anna didn't seem to notice. That does explain it though... Tiara's old stress rants could make anyone anxious.

"A stressed Tiara-san is not a reliable source of information, Anna-san. It's best to disregard anything she says after more than 3 hours of studying."

"Eh- but isn't she like, the former queen of bad grades? I feel like she's kinda the expert on this."

Anna said that without a hint of malice. It made me scared for her future. What other careless things had she said...?

Pushing that thought away, I sighed in resignation. 

"Regardless, there's nothing we can do about it at this point."

Anna opened her mouth to respond, then closed it, and then started glaring at me.

Incomprehensible as ever I see.

"What? Am I wrong?"

"No... I just remembered you weren't at the study session where Tiara-chan went on that whole spiel...even though you promised." 

Anna puffed out her cheeks and crossed her arms- her angry eyes fixed on me.

"Eck-that was months ago. Besides, something came up with student council- I couldn’t come." 

How does she even remember something like that? Furthermore, why is she still mad about it?!

Luckily, Anna seemed to quickly drop her miffed act- she uncrossed her arms, and her expression deflated into mild annoyance.  

"Fine... you did apologize at the time. Just the memory makes me mad though."

"...You're impossible."

This girl is going to be the ruin of me.

Anna sighed and shrugged- no remorse present whatsoever.

“Just know I really wanted you to be there, Kazuhiko-kun,” she said, a slight smile now forming on her face.

…It’s not fair that she gets to say that. Given previous events, there was only one way to interpret it. The thought made me restless.

“A-about the test, Anna-san, you were studying up until today right? I haven’t seen you much these past few weeks…”

Anna was quite offended by my question. 

“Eh, Kazuhiko-kun, didn’t I say that I felt fine about it? I couldn't have done that by slacking off!”

…Yeah, I asked for other reasons.

“...Honestly, you’re such a klutz sometimes.” 

Anna pulled out a small, but surprisingly thick notebook from her coat pocket. She then extended it out to me. Somewhat reluctantly, I took it and started flipping through it.

“I filled out this entire thing in a few days, right up to yesterday. Pretty thorough hmm?”

Admittedly, that was true, every page was filled out with great deta- wait, hold on.

“Anna-san, this formula is wrong.”

“Huh?!” 

Anna rushed to my side, panickedly looking at part of the page I was pointing to.

“See? This should be negative.”

She took a moment to look at the equation- scanning over it again and again. Eventually, she seemingly confirmed her mistake, causing her expression to drop even further. 

Oh no, Anna might be on the verge of ripping out her hair…

…and to be honest, my stomach’s beginning to churn as well.

“...That was on the test, for multiple questions too…I used it like I wrote it on there.” Anna mumbled, the life slowly but surely leaving her body.

I looked at her notebook again. Wait, this is just the first page of her math notes.

While Anna was mentally collapsing next to me, I turned the page of her notebook, then turned again, and then turned again- rinse and repeat until I reached the end.

“Anna-sa-”

“More mistakes?”

“Yes.”

“Showed up on te-”

“Yes.”

“How man-”

“Yes.”

Forget pulling on her hair, Anna was now straight up disassociating from reality. I was barely holding it together myself.

“How?” I asked, despite knowing better. “How could you be so carel-”

To my surprise, at my words, Anna suddenly straightened up, turned to face me with a serious, solemn expression, and then placed both her hands on my shoulders.

What the he-

“We were taking the test for the Japanese department, Kazuhiko-kun. I didn’t focus on the math bits too much.”

I gave her a dry look.

“So you skimmed through the material when writing notes. That’s not enough focus for even this, Anna-san. You still need to do well on that part to pass.”

“...Don’t you think it’s crazy that there’s math on this test? What do we even need that for? Japanese is like- the opposite of math!”

“Blame the world as much as you want- it’s still you on the chopping block.”

“Erk!”

At that- overt misery returned to Anna’s face as she let go of my shoulders. Her frame partially collapsed as if she had just endured extreme exhaustion.

“Kazuhiko-kun, I could still get in, right? That math part can’t be too many points right…?” she asked weakly, her body flailing around as she struggled to maintain balance.

Hmm… I wasn’t actually sure about that.

“Let me think about it…”

I crunched the numbers. Let’s see, Anna did decently on the mock exams, not too well though. So, if you extrapolate that along with the math mistakes…

…

…

…

My heart sank.

“Kazuhiko-kun?”

My legs felt weak.

“Hey, say something!”

Did Anna tap me just now? I have no idea- can’t feel anything right now...

“Hey, Kazuhiko-kun! It’s not that bad right!? Kazuhiko-kun?! Kazuhiko-kun!”

It’s so over…

“Eek! …Are you two oka-”

“ “Daijobu Desu .” ”

Me and Anna replied in unison, loss evident in our voices. 

This was apparently enough for the lady who had stumbled across us. She slowly backed away, clearly freaked out. 

Maybe our aura was somehow that unnaturally depressing… 

I sighed for what felt like the hundredth time today.   

Me and Anna had found ourselves completely sprawled out on a bench in the university’s “green belt”, a sort of small park at the center of the campus. 

To be honest, I didn’t remember walking here and I doubted Anna did either. Everything had been kind of a blur after…

Urgh, I don’t want to do anything.

To my surprise, Anna began to sluggishly stand up. Her body was still slumping all over, but she eventually managed to flimsily stand on her own feet. 

“What're you doing?”

“F-ooh…Fueh…du…”

Whatever the fuck that was.

Anna began stumbling forward and slowly, and I mean painfully slowly, making her way out the green belt. 

Should I go after her? 

That was my first instinct, but this wasn’t exactly a rough area, and Anna could take care of herself and…

…and I was still mad at her.

Dang, and I kind of like this campus too…why does she have to be like this? I feel like crying…

Instinctively, I sighed again. My throat actually feels kinda sore now…

…

…I realized Anna was out of sight. I was alone.

I took one last quick look around me before I pulled out my phone.  

I turned it on to find no new messages from Hiroto- he was probably politely waiting for a reply.

His last text was still there, of course. 

<H: You like Yanami-san, right?>

…At that, my hand froze and for some reason, my mind started drifting.

Maybe it had to do with person I was texting, or maybe it was just recency, but I thought back to yesterday- to that bitter scene at the student council room: 

I thought you were cool.

That certainly was a reason, a solid one…

…To a particular person, do I feel similar…? Yes? No wait- kind of? I mean, I wouldn’t put it that way and it’s so different from- it’s really not applicable- that’s not the what I think about when- does that mean- no definitely not-

I stopped. My heartrate had suddenly jumped and I needed to bring it down…

…

…I was just running around in circles at this point. I turned my phone completely off and placed it back in my pocket.

My mess of thoughts, feelings, and complaints towards that girl was entirely different from how Tiara felt about me. 

Of course that’d be the case. Acknowledging that fact to myself, I felt like the world’s biggest idiot for even entertaining otherwise. 

Unfortunately… two other people began to make their way into my psyche, entirely my fault of course. 

What did they say when they co-

No. I stopped myself preemptively this time. Why the hell was I trying this again?

Truth be told, I knew what the right approach was. I had done it before and I’d seen other people do it as well. However, now, the moment I would try, a million excuses would pop up in my brain:

Different circumstances.

There’s other things to think about.

 You have plenty of time.

Each had a sliver of validity in them, so they were hard to ignore. Or, at least, that’s what I told myself.

Regardless, it shouldn’t have been so hard to apply what I’d already learned.

If I couldn’t manage that, how was I different from that naive first-year of two years ago?

In frustration, I pressed my hand against my face. 

This hadn’t been productive whatsoever- I’ve realized that. 

I just ended up being more annoyed at myself and less justifiably, at other people.

Not knowing what else to do, I looked at the spot next to me.

That bit of the bench was empty. 

I’d known that already, yet I was still upset. Maybe I was expecting something, something painfully nonsensical given the situation.

…

…I’m just overthinking this. 

I’ll go with that. Hopefully it's enough.

Just then, I heard footsteps approaching. The tempo was familiar- a bit different from the usual though. I’m guessing she’s carrying something right now.

I looked up to find Anna walking up to me. 

As expected, she was carrying a very hefty plastic bag in her left hand. Judging by the creases, the bag was filled with convenience store food. 

So that’s where she was.

It was going to be fruitless, but I decided to say something once she got close. 

“Anna-san, stress eating is- mmph!?”

Just when I started talking, Anna shoved an onigiri into my mouth, shutting me up. Her expression was squarely her “Don’t Say Anything, It’s a Cheat Day” face.

Without saying a word, she sat down next to me, placing her bag in between us- quickly, she grabbed from it a big container of yakisoba and a pair of chopsticks. 

She then proceeded to stuff herself with a fury I had so rarely seen.

Well, what a change in atmosphere. At least she’s more energetic now.

To be honest, I was still wondering about the onigiri stuck to my mouth. Anna hadn’t been holding it when she’d been walking up to me. Did she just manifest it? Can she do that? W-what does this mean?

…Some things are better left unknown, I guess.

Accepting the state of things, I scarfed down the rice ball Anna had um, given me.

I had skipped breakfast in case of something like this, but…

I looked at the bag of packaged food lying between me and Anna.

…I should’ve skipped yesterday’s dinner too. There was definitely enough to feed a family of five in there, maybe six. 

Still, as the world’s only professional Anna handler, it was my job to make sure she only failed her diet goals by small margins. 

I took a big bento from the bag and an extra pair of chopsticks. I have to be quick about this- Anna’s more than capable of vacuuming up everything here,

So, like the girl beside me, I began eating with reckless abandon.

We must have looked ridiculous- two students, close to graduation, messily gobbling down on FamilyMart food in the open. I was just lucky there weren't many people around. 

I really shouldn’t have been so used to this, but I didn’t particularly mind it.

I was almost finished with my second bento before I noticed Anna staring at me- her face now covered in food bits and stains.

“What is it?”

“Kazuhiko-kun…you didn’t have much of an appetite in our first year, you’ve really improved.”

“You just noticed? My body adjusted after two years with you, Anna-san.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Anyways, I’m still proud of you, Kazuhiko-kun.”

Anna gave me a thumbs up while simultaneously scooping up and eating a cartoonishly huge chunk of rice.

If she was approving of me, I’m definitely on the wrong life path. 

“...Don’t look so smug with all that on your face.”

I took out my handkerchief and began wiping Anna’s face.

“Hmmph?! Hmmph!”

“You shouldn't complain with your mouth full. I have no idea what you’re saying.”

This girl is hopeless. How was she this messy to begin with? The layer of food stuck to her face was so thick…

Eventually, Anna went mostly still while I got the last few crumbs of food off the corner of her lips. Her expression was still comically dissatisfied though- with her gaze defiantly averted from mine. She was also still aggressively chewing her food.

…Despite myself, I felt my lips curl up ever so slightly. This girl's ridiculous...

After I was done, I looked at the handkerchief. Covered in food and soaked in grease, it was completely unusable at this point. I half thought about throwing it away.  

No, wait, this was a gift from Kaju…

I sighed, folded up the fabric, and placed it in my coat pocket. I really need to thoroughly wash it when I get home.

Welp, back to eating.

“Hey, Kazuhiko-kun-”

“Yes?” I replied without much thought.

“-About um…different…um, different universities... the uh, like the future… never mind.”

Anna’s voice was timid. The pace of her eating had also slowed to a crawl. That was unexpected, I’d been expecting an earful about “etiquette” or something. 

…It didn’t seem to be about that, so I decided to push her about it. 

“Really, what is it? I’ll hear out whatever nonsense you have to say.”

“...jerk.”

“I really meant it…” I retorted weakly. Maybe I shouldn’t have phrased it that way…

Anna went back to her now 4th(?) boxed lunch, refusing to answer me.

Surprisingly, after a bit, she said something, albeit while still eating:

“It’s [munch][munch] too much to ask for [crunch] someone like you, Kazuhiko-kun [munch]!”

Urgh, don’t talk while doing that… 

Anna swallowed whatever she'd been chewing. 

“…And, it… it may be a bit selfish on my part.”

Anna’s voice whittled into almost nothing as she ended her words. She looked a bit downcast as she stared down at the ground in front of her. 

It felt very unusual.

“Selfish? You? I’m used to that by now.”

Anna glared daggers at me for that comment. Her mood recovered? I guess? I can’t say I prefer the her of a moment ago…

…That glare was still kinda scary, so I turned away from her. 

I’m just going to finish my share of the food pile. I'll tell myself that I tried.

Luckily, Anna seemed to be in broad agreement with me as she continued her stress eating spree, not saying another word to me. 

I thought back to what she'd tried to say. 

Though I could be very wrong, I felt like I could see right through her. At the very least, I had an idea of what she wanted.

If she’d been successful in expressing herself, me responding honestly was doubtful. However, my actions would eventually speak for themselves, embarrassing as it would be. Even now, I was thinking of ways I would obscure them- no luck so far though.

I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there. 

I let my shoulders relax a bit, they’d been unusually stiff for a while.

That little self-admittance made me feel a little better - perhaps unduly. I suppose you could call it progress.

Now, if only I could do something similar with the big thing… 

…I really need to think of a solution. 

I don’t like being in this headspace. 

“...Kazuhiko-kun. You know what?” 

For some reason, Anna stood up from the bench, seemingly finished with her food. 

“-Even though I probably failed this one, I'm just glad it’s all over! No more entrance exams!”

Hands to her hips, her back straight, Anna gazed confidently at the sky. An untrained eye would think she was for real. 

Another conversation, another cope, I guess.

She looked back down at me.

“Don’t you feel the same? No more exams, right?”

“...Anna-san, I have one for Aichi University the day after tomorrow.”

“Eh? On monday?”

"Yeah."

Utterly dumbfounded, Anna plopped back down, all while looking at me as if I’d grown a second head.

“You never told me about this!”

“...We both thought three backups was a good idea. What did you think my third one was?”

“Eh? I thought it was Sugiyama. But now that you mention it, you weren’t there for the entrance exam, were you?”

So that’s why she texted me those weird questions the day she took the exams for that place. Did I just not clear that up? I think I just ignored the messages…I need to work on my communication skills- frankly, this is getting ridiculous.

Also-

“Anna-san, Sugiyama’s a women’s college.”

A bulb lit up in Anna’s head.

“So that’s why all the promotional material only had girls…”

So she read the promotional material? How- wait no, it’s more likely that she just looked at the pictures. 

I suppressed a groan.

I should thank the heavens that this girl’s academic record was mostly divorced from her as a person. Thank you, Kami-sama. 

“[sigh] So it's two days until it’s all over for everyone huh…?”

Anna sunk further into the bench, clearly dejected by the news.

“...Sorry for the disappointment, Anna-san…Um, if you want-”

Unbeknownst to be me, an idea had developed in my head.

Usually, I would scrutinize my thoughts before saying them out loud. But this time was an exception.

It really wasn’t a well thought out plan, mostly because I didn’t want to think about parts of it.

Still… I was tired. Yesterday had made me realize that.

This self-made problem made me think in ways I didn’t like. I couldn’t bear any more of it. Naturally, something like this was bound to happen.  

Even if it’s likely to end up in a dumpster fire…at this moment, I don’t care. 

…Probably. 

“-we could go somewhere the day I finish. My treat.”

I kept my gaze straight ahead, my hands planted on my knees. 

I was afraid, there was no doubt about that. My cowardice surprised even me.

“I’d love to, Kazuhiko-kun.”

At her voice, my head quickly turned.

A light, warm smile graced Anna’s face- an excellent complement to her cheerful, blue eyes and her scruffy, yet oddly appealing curls. I also didn’t fail to notice the gentle red fluster on her soft, pale face. The contrast was breathtaking despite its mundanity.

...I had a feeling she understood my intent- at least partially.

Instantly, guilt began to build up within me like bile in my throat. 

I couldn’t shake off the notion that I wasn’t doing this right or for the right reasons…

No, I can’t think like that. I was just overthinking this…yeah-yeah, that’s what I’m going with.

Right. 

Suddenly, Anna’s expression turned confused, breaking me out of my trance.

“What’s with that look? No take backs!”

Give me back my admiration.

“...It’s nothing. [sigh] Where do you want to eat?”

“Oh, there’s a new udon place downtown I want to check out!”

“We’ll go there then…what time works for you? My exam ends at three.” 

“Eh-we could meet up at Shin-Toyohashi at…five-thirty?”

“Sure.”

“Looking forward to it, Kazuhiko-kun. Don’t forget it!”

Her smile returned. It was too honest for me, making my gaze turn away from her again. 

Never mind it, I told myself.

“...We should get going now, if there’s nothing else.” I said abruptly.

“K.”

I placed my stack of empty containers inside the plastic bag, with Anna doing the same. 

It would be awkward to walk into a convenience store just to throw things away. Hopefully, I could find a trash can on the way back or I might have to throw it away at home.

I grabbed the bag and began walking towards the station. After a bit, I noticed that Anna wasn’t walking next to me. I turned to find her standing in the middle of the street, looking at her phone.

I walked up to her.

“What are you doing? Let’s go.”

Anna looked up at me.

“Kazuhiko-kun, were you not receiving texts from Chika-chan?”

Huh?

“She says you haven’t been reading her texts for the past fifteen minutes.”

“Oh…um, my phone’s battery died a bit ago, I forgot to charge it last night, so it was low when the test was over…”

I seemed to be making pointless lying a habit of mine.

Anna raised an eyebrow.

“Anyways… Chika-chan wants us to wait at the entrance.”

“For what reason?” 

“She wants to pick us up. Dunno what that means, she didn’t elaborate.”

“That’s weird…”

Chika doesn’t…does she? That would be against school rules though. Not that that really matters at this point…

I shrugged.

“Let’s just do as she says.”

“Hmm… alright. Guess it’s Chika-chan's surprise to us.”

With that, Anna and I walked to Nagoya University’s entrance. Chika was nowhere to be found.

I looked at the entrance to the metro station, she has to be arriving through there, right?

“Anna-san, did Chika specify a time?”

“She said she was close…”

Anna also looked around to no avail.

My eyes wandered to the road, where I noticed an old red sedan approaching where we were. 

Is it just me or is it slowing down?

No way…

As I was half-expecting, the car stopped in front of me and Anna.

The window rolled down to reveal Komari Chika, her hair tied back into two short pigtails, making both her eyes visible. 

She was in the driver’s seat.

“Y-yo…get in.” She said nervously.

“Is it- I mean are y-” I struggled to get my words out.

“It-uh, it’s second hand, I-um got it from my uncle…but yeah, it’s mine…”

“When did you-”

“I-uh, I’ve been attending Driver’s school f-for the past few months…I passed the test two weeks back…I didn’t say anything b-because I wanted it to be a surprise…L-lemon actually found out though.”

I was surprised I hadn’t notice, had I really been that busy?

Whatever, I’m still happy for her.

“Well, congratulations Chika.”

“T-thanks. It makes commuting a lot faster…”

Chika’s awkward smile gave me some ease.

I turned to Anna.

“He-”

Were those tears in her eyes?

Oh no, Anna looked like she was mere seconds from bursting.

I should probably do somethin-

“CHIKA-CHANNNN!!!”

“Eeeek!!!”

Anna dashed over to Chika, reaching into the sedan to hold the shorter girl in a death grip hug.

“Wahh! I’m so proud of you, Chika-chan! You’re all grown up now! [crying] I almost don’t want it to go on anymore…Can you stay the same forever?! Oh! About your-”

Anna went on and on and on.

…She’s more mature than you, girl- for a variety of reasons. Also, you really don’t hear her muffled screaming?

“MMMPH!”

Was it time to intervene? Perhaps. But you know what? This was such a touching scene; I decided to let it go on for a bit longer.

“MMMPH! Hel-MMPH?! Ka-You-Bast-MMPH!”

Yeah, just a bit longer.

“So, Chika-”

“Hmph!”

“-Ermm…”

Chika was driving me and Anna back to Toyohashi. She was angry at both of us because of that incident…especially since people had started watching on in confusion.

H-Hang your heads in shame!

Hence, both me and Anna were put in the back- me right behind Chika and Anna in the left window seat.

From uh, recent interactions, the red-head girl in front of me seemed to still be mad.

Still, I think her voice wasn’t half as harsh as it had been thirty minutes ago.

…Right?

Clumsily, I tried again:

“Chika…how did you know we’d still be at Nagoya? I mean… you picked us up almost an hour after the test ended…”

“Hmph!”

Another failure.

“I’ve actually been wondering that too! Please tell us Chika-chan…I’m really sorry…”

Anna rubbed her hands together, pleading with Chika. The petite girl didn’t say anything at first, but I noticed her glancing back at Anna.

Nice going, we’ll wear her down yet.

“...I-um, I just assumed that uh-Anna would eat at the c-closest combini for a while and make K-Kazuhiko do the same…”

Anna silently offered me her fist- I bumped it.

“That’s pretty close to what happened, Chika-chan! How did you know?”

“C-c’mon, I knew… it was bound to happen…y-you two…”

Me and Anna looked at each other. Were we really that predictable?

“A-and I’m still mad!”

Well, too early to celebrate.

The car went silent after that, the mood too awkward for conversation.

I would check my phone, Kaju probably had sent me something by now, but…

I sneaked a look at Anna, who was currently scrolling through Insta. 

Well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions? 

Somewhat tired, I rubbed my eyes- as if that would change anything…

“A-also-”

To my shock, Chika had started talking to us again.

“-I’ve decided to go to uni-university…”

-!

Chika had gotten into Aichi Gakusen University, not only with a full-ride but also with a thirty-thousand yen monthly-stipend offer.

It was a generous deal, but Chika had second thoughts because of her growing writing career.

“That’s great Chika-chan,” Anna exclaimed, “but what about-”

“-M-my editor said we could a-adjust release dates to account for it…”

“Oh, Chika-chan…”

Anna looked very happy for Chika. That was great, I was too, but I could see where this was going. 

I grabbed Anna’s shoulder.

“...What?”

“Don’t bear hug the driver.”

“Wha-how dumb you think I am, Kazuhiko-kun?!”  

“You don’t want to hear the answer to that, Anna-san.”

“Hah?!”

“Argh…you two…”

Chika had gone back to being very annoyed with us. I could see her glare reflected off the rear-view mirror. 

Me and Anna dropped our bickering and went back to sitting quietly in our seats- attempting to look as well-behaved as possible.

Chika bereaved a heavy sigh. She shifted her focus back to the road, refusing to acknowledge the two perceived children behind her.

I still had one thing I wanted to ask. 

 …This might be the wrong move, but I was curious.

“Chika…why-uh why did you ultimately decide to accept the offer?”

There was a slight delay in her answer. When it came, Chika's voice was unexpectedly soft and pleasant.

“...I-I was talking to Koto-senpai at our circle meetup…she told me that she met a lot of in-interesting people at her uni…I-I want to do the same.”

Somehow, I could feel that Chika was smiling.

“It-it’ll be fun…I think…”

“Does Aichi Gakusen have a literature club?”

“Y-yeah…I want to-to join.”

“They’ll be lucky to have you, Vice Prez.” 

“...Thanks, Kazuhiko.”

I looked over at Anna, who had been silent throughout my exchange with Chika. 

She returned a simple, knowing smile.  

Satisfied, I addressed Chika again:

“Just know you can call me for anything if it's too much. Chew me out if I complain.”

“Hmph! A-are you doubting me?”

“Ah-no-just-uh-”

I quickly noticed that Chika was giggling.

I’ve been had.

“Heh heh, I-uh I’m j-just messing with you…Kazuhiko…Th-thanks anyways.” 

Well, I didn’t have a right to complain about that…

“Chika-chan, know that you can count on me too!”

Anna chimed in to give her support. 

That’s nice, I couldn’t help being skeptical though.

“...Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Anna-san. I’m making sure you don’t fall behind at uni.”   

“Hah? But-but-you- I get decent grades!”

“University’s different.”

“What makes you think that you’r-”

“AGAIN,” Chika angrily stated, all her fury returned in an instant.

Crap, the atmosphere was so nice though... 

Both me and Anna went silent and still, not wanting another scolding.

Though I tried to ignore it, the blue-haired girl next to me maintained a vicious side-eye on me as we got closer and closer to our first stop.

Yeah, yeah, I know- this one’s mostly my fault. 

“We’re here,” Chika said as she parked the car right outside Anna’s house.

“Thanks for the ride, Chika-chan!”

No response. Still angry, I see.

“...Well, see you two later!” Anna said as she exited the vehicle.

That was awkward as hell.

I was reaching for my phone when I heard someone tapping on the car window- it was Anna.

I rolled down the glass.

“What?”

“What day?”

“For-”

Oh, that.

“-Monday, two days from now.”

“Time?”

“Five thirty in the afternoon.”

“Meeting place?”

“Shin-Toyohashi station.”

“Appropriate attire?”

“Huh? …I’ll figure it out.”

What do you want from me, woman?

“Good boy. Bye bye!”

“...bye.”

Anna flashed me a grin before walking up to and then entering her house.

…

“D-done?”

I was slightly startled at Chika’s oddly stern voice. I had stared at Anna’s house for longer than I needed to. By exactly how much I didn’t know.

“...Yes!” I gave my delayed response as I frantically rolled up the car window. I heard Chika sigh as she started up the car.

In a moment, we were off.

We were getting closer to my house- I could tell by the familiar scenery.

Chika had kept to her silence, but I had a feeling she would say something eventually.

“A-are you two…”

There it was. Her voice somehow rang warning bells in my head.

“No.”

“I-I see, so you’re g-going to confess to her on Monday then…” 

Um, not quite. Also, why do people keep making that assumption about me?

All of this would be a headache to explain, not to mention that promise to Anna.

I honestly should’ve just denied it- me and Anna had gone out to eat together before, so I could’ve explained it as that…but for some reason I didn’t have the energy.

So, Chika didn’t get a response.

She went on anyway:

“She’s out your l-league, you know-”

Don’t remind me.

“-but she’ll say yes anyways…Good for you, Kazuhiko.”

…

“It’s really not that…” I tried to give at least some pushback.

“T-then what is it?”

…

“You’ll be fine. Y-you know what to say.”

Chika wasn’t giving up.

Defeated, I decided to go along with her misconception.

“...How can you be so sure about that?”

“Realization takes a-a while…s-so you’ve had plenty of time to think about it.”

…

…

…Her words cut unintentionally deep.

Yeah Chika, you’re right. 

Realization takes time.

But it takes effort as well. 

Or, at the very least, no effort in the other direction. 

…What am I even doing-

“Kazuhiko!”

I jerked up at Chika’s shout. Through the rear-view, I saw her golden eyes, full of concern.

“...I-I was joking a-about Anna being out of your league o-okay? Y-you’re more than worthy of her...”

“Um-thanks? That’s not really my umm…”

I couldn’t finish my sentence. But still, what’s gotten into her?

“Y-you looked depressed…idiot.” Chika grumbled under her breath, probably thinking I couldn’t hear her.

Great, I was distracting the driver with my nonsense.

…Given she’d pieced together a somewhat accurate picture, there really wasn’t any point in not telling her the full story. 

That promise to Anna was important- but given what Chika thought the situation was- she wouldn’t treat us any differently if she knew the truth. 

Despite that, I held my breath. 

Not just because I fully expected her to intentionally crash the car if I told her everything, but…

…Urgh, I was still frustrated that she’d brought this up- and still surprised by that fact as well.

I didn't like remembering it, but Chika had been the first girl who’d confessed to me and also the first one I had rejected. 

All of that had concluded over a year ago.

The ridge that had opened up between us had mostly healed at this point, but I didn’t want to test it. Even if she was the one who’d brought up our current topic- involving her further just felt wrong. 

…I was just underestimating Chika again- I admitted that much to myself. 

I didn’t care though. I felt what I did- even if it was just a wall that existed solely by my paranoia. 

Making a mistake with another person with stuff like this- I knew firsthand how awful it was. That period of awkwardness had been horrible enough- I didn’t want anything like that in the slightest…

…with anyone for that matter, not just Chika.

From that jumble of thoughts, a few scenarios concerning the present and a different girl inevitably played out in my head. I didn’t even know which one was the most likely:

If I said no.

If I said yes without knowing and it didn’t work out.

Of course, there was a good scenario. I couldn’t say I’d never thought about it- but it seemed too perfect. So, whether consciously or not, I pushed it to the corner of my mind.

Did I think our bond was that weak? 

I should’ve known it was possible to get past but…

…

…I hated the idea of having to go through that with Anna so, so much- even if it was for a short while. 

The feeling was stronger than anything I had ever felt up until now.

Especially since…

I looked at the back of the seat in front of me.

...I mean, I couldn’t guarantee nothing would change between us. 

I know that’s a silly excuse considering I couldn’t even explain what changed between me and Chika. Again, it was more likely that my own cautiousness was maintaining any remaining distance.

Still…

…

…

…I’m overthinking again. I need to snap out of it.

I'm moving forward- that's what's important. 

I think.

...I shouldn’t concern the people around me too much.

“We’re here,” Chika said, stopping the car right outside my home. I hadn’t realized the time that had gone by.

“...”

“...A-aren’t you going?”

“...Chika, you don’t have anything to worry about.”

“H-huh?”

Right, that was kinda vague, not to mention inaccurate.

“Ah- when it comes to me. I’m going to be fine- I promise.”

I tried putting on my best reassuring smile- both for her benefit and mine.

“...I know that already, Kazuhiko.”

Her words were trusting and steady. Despite my behavior, she believed in me.

“...Thanks, Chika. Bye.”

With that, I exited Chika’s car, taking the bag of empty containers with me. 

I waved goodbye as she drove away.

Afterwards, even though that red sedan was out of sight, I stood there, staring blankly at the empty road. 

For the life of me, I couldn't tell why.

…I should just go inside. I have studying to do.   

Chapter Text

It was early morning, just a bit past seven-thirty. My room’s lights were still necessary- just barely.

I had woken up only a few minutes before. My parents and Kaju were surely still sleeping.  

Tomorrow was Aichi University’s entrance exams.

…and also another, faintly related affair. 

I sat at my desk, holding my prep book- the one I had bought for Aichi University.

Despite the fact the test was tomorrow, I hadn’t found the motivation to open it until now. 

To be frank, this was exceedingly stupid of me. Given that I was applying for the economics department, the tests for Aichi were going to look different from all the ones I had taken before- so some early studying would have been handy. 

Yet here I was, putting it off until the last minute.

An almost silent sigh left my mouth. 

Gathering up whatever willpower I had, I haphazardly tore off the book’s film and threw it at my room’s trash bin. 

I missed.

I sighed again, placed the prep book down, and walked over to that little scrap of plastic.

I picked it and disposed of it properly into the bin.

“...”

…Feeling a little stiff, I cranked my neck, there was a pop as I felt my muscles loosen up.

I decided to move on to my arms by doing a series of shoulder stretches.

Then I moved on to my legs.

Before I knew it, I was clumsily doing the entire morning workout routine that Lemon had once recommended to me.

I didn’t know why- I honestly hadn't felt too bad when I’d woken up.

Around fifty minutes later, I was done. Tired and a little sweaty, I plopped down on my bed, allowing myself to take a little break. I wasn’t worried about being tempted to sleep. Despite how early it was and the previous exercise- I was wide awake.

...Despite telling myself that I wasn’t interested, I tilted my head to look at my bookshelf.

Other than study material, it was bare.

I remembered why- at the start of this month, I had Kaju take all my light novels into her room. She would probably disapprove if I asked for them back.

Great, so that’s a no go.

Of course, from this angle, I could see my desk as well. However, the more I thought about what was on it, the more my desire to get up was sapped. I continued wishing for a distraction.

Past me had even temporarily disabled the TV in my room- what a jerk… 

“Ugh…” 

I should've thought this through, but I hadn't. 

Memories were now invading my senses- ones I thought I’d pushed down:

A few months ago, when I’d seen… that girl’s list of backups- sent through text- I’d panicked a bit at one of the universities on it.

I had thought that we had an unspoken agreement- me and that person. Well, apparently we did, judging by yesterday- she was just a complete idiot. Anyways, still, I had no way of knowing that at the time so I said nothing.

That was despite the fact that she’d asked me if it was a good list…I simply hadn't been able to come up with a good enough excuse- something that could cover up my true intentions.

The implication of my disapproval…I hadn’t wanted to deal with it- to give her the…well I still wasn’t sure if it would’ve been the wrong idea…but it would’ve been a headache either way…

So that’s why all the promotional material only had girls…

…seriously, that girl's head needs to be checked. I should've grilled her on that blunder yesterday. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother being around her- she makes me want to bite my nails out.

Suddenly very upset, I turned away from my desk, burying the side of my head into my pillow. My brain was swamped by gripes towards that annoying dimwit.

…it ultimately didn’t feel right. It wasn’t like usual- I was forcing it.

Fighting my instinct, bit by bit, I gave up trying to be mad at her.

This situation was…more than half on me:

When I had the chance, I did nothing.

Then, I'd tried to diminish the event’s importance to me, hiding behind whatever logic presented itself.

That charade had been kept until now, I guess. It was mind-numbing how bad my communication with her was.

Again, judging from yesterday, it probably didn’t matter. The final outcome wouldn’t be different even with this bizarre screw up, but...

...Maybe I would have at least some drive left if I had chosen differently. At the very least, I likely wouldn't have made that mistake on Aichi University’s application.

Thanking back, I’m pretty sure I just clicked on the first option my mouse landed on.

I truly couldn’t have cared less...

…Wow, I just realized it, but I’ve turned into the textbook example of an irresponsible, moronic teenager. 

Sorry future me, you’re gonna have to deal with disappointed parents and droves of disapproving relatives. I’m probably going to be brought up as a bad example to all my cousins…my future is so bleak it’s not even funny.

Groaning, I turned over to lie on my back.

This is usually how I slept but again, that prospect was on a far-shore- even though, at this point, I could go for some of it.

Time passed slowly and I stayed still, my eyes mindlessly fixed on the ceiling. 

I blinked and my brain considered it worth noting.

There wasn’t anything I wanted to do. 

There, especially, wasn’t anything I wanted to think about.

Maybe I hoped that everything would be magically done when I got up. Wasn’t likely.

…I felt something underneath my pillow. It was bothering me.

I reached in and found my phone. 

Jeez, I must really be losing it if I forgot this was here. 

The device was completely turned off and had been since yesterday. If I recalled… I had come home, apologized to Kaju for the unread texts, watched TV in the living room, ate dinner, and then placed my phone underneath my pillow- telling myself that it needed to be put away for studying. 

Of course, I had then proceeded to take a bath and go to sleep early. 

While cringing at my actions, both past and present, I turned on my phone. It still had a good amount of battery. Of course it did.

I had more than fifty unread LINE messages- most of them were what Komari and Kaju had sent yesterday.

Lemon had sent some new pictures of Sophia University to the Lit Club group chat, with a few replies from the other members. She should be coming back tonight right?  

Let’s see… nothing else, I think- not even Anna texting me a picture of her dinner. People were still busy. 

The exception to that being Hiroto.

I opened up our chat to find his previous message gone, replaced by a few newer ones:

<H: Sorry, that was a bold assumption to make.>

Damn right it was.

I read on:

<H: By the way, Basori-chan’s entrance exams for Nagoya University are going to be at 10:30am tomorrow.>

<H: If you could, would you mind texting her some encouragement beforehand?>

…it was 8:44 right now.

Fastest, it took an hour-thirty to get from Toyohashi to Nagoya. Tiara’s trip would probably take closer to two hours. Going off that, she was most likely awake by now. 

I stared blankly at Hiroto’s messages until my eyes decided to give in. 

I hated to admit it, but I really didn’t want to do what Hiroto had asked. 

What good could come from that? It’s best to not test the waters…this early on…

…     

…halting my rationalizations, I opened up my chat with Tiara.

Neither of us were ever the type to text much. I mean, she only got her smartphone near the end of 1st year.

Our chat history was a series of curt messages and replies with the occasional, awkward attempt to start conversation. 

The last text in the chain was from two weeks ago- she’d thanked me for my thoughts on a difficult math problem. 

I quickly typed out a message:

<K: I hope you do well, good luck>

Without a second thought, I sent it. Soon after, I put my phone down. 

If I had looked at it for more than a second, if I had thought about it for more than a second, I wouldn’t have sent it.

If I looked at it now, I would delete it.

But yeah, I’m prepared to just worry about that message’s effect, I think…  

…It’s so fucked that that felt like moving a mountain. Logically speaking, I didn’t have a right to feel that way.

Deciding it was a good time, I got up. I didn’t take my phone with me; instead I left it on my bed lying face down.

I didn’t even look at it as I changed out of my pajamas into weather-appropriate running wear.

If I did Lemon’s pre-run workout, I might as well go on a morning jog. I haven’t done that in a while- ever since the start of exam session. Who knows? Maybe it’ll clear my head.

Leaving my room, I quietly made my way to the front door.

It felt awkward putting on my running shoes. After a few months of neglect, they had hardened and it didn’t feel smooth to put them on. It was like my familiarity with them had faded.

I took some time adjusting the laces before I felt comfortable in them.

“Onii-sama?”

My body froze.

Like a kid caught stealing candy, I hesitantly looked up to find Kaju on the top of the stairs. She was still in her pajamas and her long hair was a bit disheveled. She must have woken up just now.

“Good morning, Kaju. I-uh- I’m just going out for a run.”

That was the truth; yet, I still felt like I was doing something wrong.

Kaju blinked listlessly- clearly still tired. Had she gone to sleep late yesterday?

“Please allow me to [yawn] make you breakfast before you go…”

Her words drifted a bit as she started gently rubbing her eyes.

Morning Kaju is so cute, but I’m really trying to get out of the house right now.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be out for long. I’ll eat when I get back.”

With some urgency, I opened the front door.

“W-wait, Onii-sama.”

Kaju’s voice was louder than before.

I turned back to look at her.

“Yeah?”

“Are your studies going well?”

My nerves didn’t relax.

“Sure, I got a lot done yesterday.”

“Hmm…okay...Onii-sama...”

Kaju was still somewhat loopy, enough to not catch the guilt in my voice. However, she was quickly becoming more cognizant. I needed to hurry.

“Well…bye, I’ll be back.”

“Good by-”

With that, I closed the door behind me. 

I breathed a quick sigh of relief before I broke into a jog.

To be honest, what I had done was probably a bad move. 

Kaju had no qualms about entering my room. Once in there, she would find the study guide for Aichi in perfect mint condition. Because of that, she would become rightfully suspicious of my actions.

That’s future me’s problem though- a completely different person in my book. 

These kinds of thoughts aren’t important to me right now… 

…

…though it wasn’t advisable, I decided that it would be a long run. 

I was rediscovering that I didn’t like running. The present was a harsh reminder of that fact:

My legs were aching.

My throat was sore.

My body felt like it was becoming more and more swamped in sweat. In fact, it was getting into my eyes, causing a bad sting.

There wasn’t a hint of a comfortable rhythm- just frenzy to keep up my current pace.

Running also wasn’t a great way to pass the time.

I had very much felt every second of my run, from my front door to wherever I was now.

I didn’t have a watch on me, but I would guess it’s been well over an hour since I started- though it was a cloudy day- it was definitely brighter than when I first started…

...

...It’s good exercise- that’s what I had told myself when I started running regularly- halfway into my 2 nd year.

That was objectively true, and it’s not like I liked any other physical activity better, but still-

-well, okay, maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on it.

I mean, my mental whining was covering up a lot- a silver lining to my little trip, I guess.

And what I was doing couldn’t be that unbearable; I would’ve slowed down if it was.

The best way I could put it… it was an uneasy combination of pluses and minuses that netted a slight positive- too small to be any kind of satisfying.

But yeah, I managed to power through somehow. Not sure how long I can keep it up for though…

“Oh, Kakun, straighten your back- that’s bad posture.”

“Thanks.”

As per Lemon’s instruction, I adjusted my running frame- that actually felt much better.

“…”

“…”

...Wait a second.

Once the realization came, my head spun rapidly.

I found Lemon jogging right beside me, in a tracksuit- her classic winning smile on her tanned face.

There was something about her that had changed since the last time I saw her. However, right now, I didn’t want to address it- even mentally.

Still not quite believing my eyes, I struggled to get my words out:

“W-I-your-ah-Lemon?”

Lemon laughed, amused by my confusion.

“You’re wondering why I’m back from Sophia University early?”

Still stunned, I slowly found the sense to nod.

“Heh heh, well, Kakun, I actually forgot something at home-”

Lemon broke eye contact with me, turning to look straight ahead.

“-so, last night, I ran back here to fetch it.”

...she seemed completely serious.

Hold on, Sophia’s in Tokyo, so for Lemon run from there to Toyohashi in one night-

That’s like-

I mean-

I-

...

-I think my brain just broke from the mental math.

What the actua-

Next to me Lemon erupted into a hearty laugh.

“No way no way- Kakun, you actually believed me? Your face was priceless!”

...to preserve whatever dignity I had left, I didn’t answer her.

To my dismay, Lemon’s infectious laughter stayed as we continued on our now shared run.

Her presence made my physical strain a bit lighter- but damn, I must really be out of it if I believed her for a good minute.

“...could [huff] you stop laughing [huff] ...please?”

Seriously, my self esteem can’t take more hits right now- it’s close to bottoming out.

“Heh, sorry… I didn’t think Kakun would take the bait…”

She seemed genuinely apologetic.

Still though, not gonna lie, Lemon’s words just now made me feel like crying.

Anna’s idiocy must be rubbing off on me- wait, no I can’t accept that reality- not now, possibly not ever. My inevitable reaction to it... permanent ego death is no joke. No way I can face that.

Ignorant of my existential contemplation, Lemon continued:

“I just took the Shinkansen back last night.”

Oh, that actually makes sense.

“I wanted to surprise everyone! I was actually running to Chika-chan’s before I saw you.”

But Chika lives… you know what, if it’s Lemon, I’m sure she can do it.

“...Was Sophia fun?”

The sporty girl’s face lit up.

“Yeah! All the people I met were super nice, all the facilities were really big and up to date, oh- and Tokyo’s so cool Kakun! It has these really tall buildings- like the really big pointy red one in the center of everything! That’s like Tokyo Skytree right?”

“[huff]...That’s Tokyo tower, Lemon.”

She looked more shocked than she should have been.

“Huh, really? I could’ve sworn...okay!”

So trusting… would she have believed me if I had said yes? Should I put this on my list of worries? This girl still needs to graduate university…

“How-uh...how was [huff]the training?”

That’s what I really wanted to know:

In her texts, Lemon had been oddly sparse in details when it came to her preliminary training.

Honestly, the potential reasons for that had been subtly wracking my brain for a bit. Most of these were benign, but some weren’t.

It wasn’t my job or anything- and I was unsure whether I could understand her if she told me something important, but…

...I mean, I just wanted to know.

I didn’t want to regret anything.

I would like to say that I tried to understand, at the least…

Gosh, all of this because my own anxiety-she hasn’t even said anything yet.

I really am a worrywart. Tiara was one hundred percent right about that.

Thinking back, I think I’ve always been one- I just can’t keep my mouth shut nowadays. What horrible thing to realize. Oh well- just something to live with I guess.

It had a been a bit- maybe not, my fatigue had kinda warped my sense of time- but Lemon responded:

“It was tough.”

She spoke with undebatable clarity.

“...Really?”

A small pout appeared on Lemon’s face- she was annoyed at me.

“I’m not perfect, Kakun. University sports is like a whole other world! All my future senpai’s were amazing… it was difficult keeping up with them a lot of the time…”

Despite saying that, Lemon didn’t look the least bit downcast.

“...but they also gave me really good tips! There’s actually this one that you shoul-”

Lemon went silent, scanned me from top to bottom, and then continued:

“Never mind, I don’t think you’re ready-”

For the best probably.

“-you might like actually die, Kakun.”

Wait, what the fuck is it? She doesn’t seem to be joking at all. I wasn’t even as unathletic as before...scary, the world of track is scary.

“...so, overall, would you say you felt good or bad about the training?”

I pressed further- somewhat reluctantly.

If there was a distance between us- I wasn’t respecting it, at least for now.

Lemon got back to me quickly:

“Good- I did better than I thought I would- besides-”

A competitive, uncharacteristically cocky grin formed on her face.

It was beautifully intimidating.

“-it’ll only take me a year to completely dominate.”

I was a little surprised at her brazenness.

“Y-you seem confident, Lemon.”

“I just need to do what I’ve always been doing, Kakun,” she replied, strong in her convictions.

At the present moment, more than anything- her ability or her achievements- Lemon’s trust in herself made me trust her.

She would probably face a good number of regrets in the future.

However, I seriously doubted any of those would come from a lack of action or strength -it would more likely be an excess of those traits that would cause her trouble. Different from before and an improvement, I think.

“Just don’t forget the Lit Club when you make it big,” I joked.

Lemon didn’t appreciate my jib - her hand quickly found its way to my back. The slap was so hard I almost fell down.

“Ow!?”

The pain was lingering and dangerously sharp...

“Eh?! Does it hurt that much? I’m sorry Kakun!”

Not knowing her own strength… that’s very Lemon I guess. I’ll try to look not severely in pain for her sake.

Keep running Nukumizu Kazuhiko, don’t cry, don’t cry...

More cautiously, Lemon continued:

“...You shouldn’t have said that though. I can’t imagine forgetting... any of you.”

Her mood had become more somber.

I know I was careless, but does my back have to suffer this much?

“My bad…” I managed to say.

“No matter where I end up… you guys will stay here hmm? Stay a good group to dump all my troubles on?” she asked half-way sarcastically- her smile had returned in a nostalgic form.

I gave her question some thought.

Then more thought.

Then more thought.

Then even more thought.

“Kakun...this pause is killing me!”

Lemon blunt statement made me release my half-baked answer:

“...Uh, I mean, Chika’s going to a uni in the area, but afterwards...you never know, she’s probably going places. Kaju and Riko... I don’t know- it’ll be shame if they don’t do something more with their talents ... and most of our other friends have all those big ambitions…”

“That’s so depressing!”

“…At the very least, me and Anna-san will stay around here, more or less. You’re free to come and bother us anytime you want.”

“…You and Anna-chan, huh?”

While still running, I attempted my best shrug.

“Neither of us are particularly talented nor ambitious. I can’t imagine we’ll leave our little pond in the foreseeable future- maybe forever.”

Damn, saying it out load, I’m not sure if I’m mentally prepared for continued association with that girl. I better brace myself.

“...and Kakun’s sure about this?”

“Who knows? I’m just spit-balling here- but that’s my best guess right now.”

“Hmm…”

…

“...Ok!” Lemon exclaimed happily.

Though her mood was still bright, she didn’t say anything after that.

Both of us became focused on our jog- our gazes now facing straight ahead. Without conversation my weariness became more apparent to me.

I didn’t know if I was slowing down or if Lemon was speeding up- but she eventually overtook me.

I now saw her from the back clearly.

From this view, I confirmed to myself something I’d been mentally blocking out.

Lemon had cut her hair.

What she had grown in our second year and maintained in our third year- the long ponytail I had grown accustomed to- none of that was there. Lemon’s hair was as short as it had been when I first met her- a practical, sporty cut.

I assumed it meant what I thought it meant- self-centered as that may be.

I didn’t feel much regret over it- if asked again, my answer to her question of ten months ago wouldn’t have changed.

I also didn’t feel jealous of her. I probably would’ve been two days ago- but I was now climbing my own, albeit much smaller hill. I was moving onward in my own way.

So um...um… I actually didn’t know how I felt about it or why I had been in denial about it for a while…

Did I just feel bad or…?

...Maybe it was just the jealously- it either appeared for no reason or I was on a high that was running out of steam...

I didn’t want to think about the second possibility, so I pushed myself to catch up to Lemon.

It was hard- horrifyingly hard.

Every inch gained strained me physically and mentally.

Every part of my body was hurting.

My vision was becoming blurry.

It was probably a foregone conclusion that my legs would fail.

...I wasn’t surprised when they did.

The moment after I reached Lemon, I found my face quickly falling towards the pavement.

“...sorry for being a burden, Lemon.”

“Mou...Kakun, when did you start your run?”

“Um… like, around nine?”

“It’s almost twelve right now! How long’s it been since you’ve last done this?”

“I don’t know... I think November?”

Lemon’s disappointment only grew.

“[sigh] Kakun…I’m surprised you made it that far.”

“Yeah…”

Lemon had narrowly saved me from face-planting onto the ground. Afterwards, she dragged my practically limp body onto a park bench where we were both currently sitting.

Needless to say, I had a lot to answer for.

“...How are you feeling alright now?”

That was a surprisingly non-intrusive question. I felt like breathing a sigh of relief- but I stopped myself.

“Fine- I think I can walk by myself. Everything’s still a bit sore though.”

“...Wait here.”

Lemon got up from the bench and walked out of my sight.

I did as I was told and soon enough Lemon appeared holding two drinks in her hand.

“Catch!”

She tossed me a can and I managed to catch it.

Polcari huh? I’d prefer something warm in this weather- but this is fine as well.

I opened it up and began drinking as Lemon sat down beside me.

“...so Kakun, I wasn’t going to mention it- but I was texting Chika-chan yesterday-”

-!

I raised up my hand, stopping her.

“She had the wrong idea… and it doesn’t have to do with what just happened...”

The girl next to me wasn’t satisfied.

“How wrong?” she asked inquisitively.

“...I’m under a non-disclosure agreement.”

Lemon tilted her head, confused.

“Non-what...? Kakun-”

Her eyes narrowed in.

“-stop making things up.”

...What part of that do you think I’m making up?

“I plead the fifth.”

“That’s American!”

Shit, you actually know that? Talk about inconsistency. I’m running out of options here.

Increasingly uncomfortable with Lemon’s eager, expectant stare I acquiesced a tiny bit...

“Ok ok, it’s nothing like that, but it’s a real promise to someone and… it’s really, really important…”

Shit, that definitely opens up more questions than it answers...

Lemon looked exasperated at my weak answer.

“You could’ve said that from the start Kakun- that’s like two layers of lies we just went through… I won’t pry any further!” she exclaimed dramatically.

She opened her can of Polcari and began drinking it- aggressively so.

She was definitely still mad that I didn’t tell her the truth.

Goddammit, it’s so obvious- I feel bad.

“….If it makes you feel any better, I can tell you everything after tomorrow, I think-”

I didn’t expect Lemon to drop her can- eh, it’s more accurate to say she threw it aside.

Bursting with energy, she leaned into me- right up to my face.

“Really?! Really?!”

I was a bit shell-shocked.

“Yeah… if everything goes well. Is it really something you want to know that much?”

“That’s rude Kakun! If it concerns two of my friends it concerns me too you know!”

“...What do you mean tw-”

“Chika-chan told me about your little date with Anna-chan tomorrow.”

Right, I should’ve inferred that. I’m really slow today.

Concerning the present situation- fuck, the jig is up.

“You have your confession line locked and loaded?” Lemon asked- her smile as charming as always.

Unwillingly, I felt myself retreating from her- not that I had anywhere to go. As if she was a threat, every fiber of my being was itching for an escape.

“It’s really nothing like that…” I offered.

That wasn’t true but I wanted to hear myself say it.

Whenever I say it- I believe it for just a second.

Wilting didn’t begin to describe my thoughts- hence why I was dreading Lemon’s inevitable next question:

“Then what is it, Kakun?”

“… you said you weren’t going pry any further.”

I sounded harsher than I had wanted.

“Ah-sorry…”

Lemon awkwardly withdrew from me- her previous energy gone.

“...I’ll be patient, Kakun. What’s two days huh?”

“I-uh- I apologize-”

“Why so formal Kakun? You’re not at court.”

Lemon smiled as she gently elbowed my arm- I barely felt it.

I wondered if she was trying to dispel the awkwardness between us.

Because of that possibility- I felt guilty; yet, at the same time, I was secure in the belief that Lemon would now keep her promise.

After this, she truly wouldn’t pry any further.

...If Anna could see this right now-

-no no, don’t think like that.

What’s important is that she’s not here.

Without warning, Lemon suddenly got up from the bench.

“Well, I need to get going now- I won’t be able to surprise everyone I want to at this rate!”

She looked back at me.

“An-”

Lemon then said words, words with sound.

Yet, I didn’t hear her.

I wasn’t going deaf or anything. but, for some reason, all she said had come in one ear and out the other.

It was probably because I knew what it was about- from the first syllable.

“-Bye Kakun!”

All at once, Lemon’s voice came back to me as she ran off while frantically waving me goodbye.

I at least had the decency to wave back.

…

…

…After she was gone, I looked around me.

Wait, hold up, I actually don’t know this neighborhood at all- I ran way too far.

And I don’t have my phone.

How the hell do I get back?

Shit, I can’t even laugh at my predicament…

My eyes frantically searched for anything- any tool or clue that could’ve helped me.

Shit shit shit…

…let’s hope Kaju has a liberal definition of what isn’t a “long” time.

With some guessing and backtracking, I navigated the streets until I found myself somewhere familiar.

I know this intersection. I’m finally going home…

Despite that hopeful realization, I realized I was starving. Not Anna’s “I ate enough for a bear’s hibernation but I still want more” kind of starving but actually for real…

….of course I had to forget my wallet as well.

This entire day has pretty much been wasted- I can comfortably conclude that… let’s just focus on getting home before it gets dark.

I turned a corner.

“Ah.”

“-Ah. Kazuhiko-kun.”

That’s someone I wasn’t expecting to see today.

Yanami Anna stood in front of me, about as surprised as I was.

Her clothes suggested she had gone out for something earlier: she wore blue jeans combined with a white blouse and a long brown winter coat for warmth.

I’m guessing it was a very casual outing- probably a shopping trip or something.

Fittingly, she was also holding a small white shopping bag.

Great. This is just great.

Firstly, I felt dumb for being surprised in the first place, Anna in this neighborhood was hardly an uncommon sight. The rate of her visits had decreased as of late- mostly due to entrance exams- but it was natural they would pick up again.

Being the fool I was- I had really thought I would see her at the station tomorrow.

That had felt right somehow… Maybe that was an unrealistic expectation- life was often anticlimactic, especially with her.

Secondly, I felt my resolve crumble at the mere sight of her.

I was stewing in those thoughts when Anna decided to break the silence.

“...what’s with that?”

“Huh?”

Out of nowhere, anger erupted on her face.

“That freaked out look Kazuhiko-kun!”

She angrily pointed her finger right at my face.

“I noticed it yesterday too! What’s with that? Is there something on my face? Is there something behind me? Am I being haunted Kazuhiko-kun?!”

Back to this…

...It actually seems to be really, really bothering her.

“...you know the reason, idiot,” I muttered under my breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing… you’re just imagining things. What are you doing here anyways?”

Still annoyed, Anna haughtily nodded at the bag in her left hand.

“I wanted to give this to you.”

“Don’t tell me your dad was paid in soba again.”

That was a harrowing few days… kinda turned me off from a whole genre of noodles.

“No! Kazuhiko-kun... why are you so good at remembering the most annoying things?!”

My bad.

Anna sighed- even more irritated than before.

“It’s actually sakura-mochi. I saw it when I was shopping, and I like eating it when I study so…”

“...It’s a bit early for that, isn’t it?”

“All mochi can be enjoyed year-around, Kazuhiko-kun- there’s no law about it. If they’re available, what’s stopping us from stuffing ourselves with off-season treats?”

“I guess you’re right...”

Though, I feel we humans invented limits for a reason.

“Well, regardless, thanks- here.”

I extended my hand out to her.

Instead of giving me the bag, Anna continued on her way, ignoring me entirely.

Confused, I rushed next to her.

“Hey, weren’t you here to-”

“I was just gonna drop it off...but since you’re here, let’s walk to your house together.”

Oh, I should’ve known.

“Sure.”

No fighting against her whims.

In familiar silence, me and Anna continued walking towards my house. We still had a ways to go by my estimation.

I noticed myself sneaking glances at the girl next to me- confirming again and again that she was there.

Yep, yep, definitely still there- not my imagination.

Thanks to that, our upcoming event felt much more real now.

At this point, there was no room for back-of-mind delusions or any easy distractions

I just had to plan my next course of action…

…

…The problem was that Anna was far from ignorant about my intent.

I didn’t know what her exact expectation was- it might’ve been as ambiguous as mine- but without a doubt, she didn’t view that “thing” tomorrow as one of our normal outings.

If I tried to cancel- I mean, I knew how that would come off.

And I…. I didn’t want to see her disappointed face.

A stupid reason given… at this rate…

…

...was I trying to get myself out of this?

I was, wasn’t I?

Self-defeated, I looked at Anna again.

She was going on without a care in the world- humming what I recognized as a song from a Denny’s commercial.

If my distress showed, she didn’t notice it. In fact, her eyes weren’t on me- not even slightly.

...I really shouldn’t have been annoyed at that fact.

It’s what I was hoping for after all, but…

...I guess I was expecting something nonsensical again.

I took a deep breath- slowly and quietly enough that it would go unnoticed.

Regrettably, if I looked at it objectively, I hadn’t changed as much as I thought.

My view of myself had changed, my relationships had changed, but “that part” of me really hadn’t-

-wait no, it wasn’t that.

At least before I could hide behind inexperience and stupidity- this was entirely different.

I had experienced enough.

And, at this point, I knew more than I wanted.

Ball was in my court. I could see it clearly- it’s speed, trajectory- everything.

The closer it got however, the more confidence I lost in my attempted response.

It all seemed so flimsy. A decision made recklessly without much thought- the closer and closer it got to its climax the more it seemed to unravel.

If I felt this way now, who knows how it’ll be tomorrow...

Dammit, my ruminations somehow distorted this familiar, calm walk into something more stressful than my several hour run. That has to be a record- I’m not sure for what, but it has to be.

Disrespecting the seriousness of my thoughts, my stomach started growling.

Right, I’m still starving.

Nothing about this situation is remotely coherent- my own body won’t even let me panic in peace.

“Hey, Kazuhiko-kun, stop for a sec.”

Anna’s voice came as a bit of a surprise to me- I didn’t know why.

“Huh? Okay…”

Still a bit dazed, I did as I was told.

From her bag, Anna took out an expensive looking red box. She opened it and grabbed a single sakura-mochi, individually packaged in a pink wrapper. She then closed the box and put it back in her bag.

“Here.”

She was offering the mochi to me.

“No, I can’t.”

I tried waving her off- it didn’t work.

“What’s with all the stubbornness, Kazuhiko-kun? I’m here to give you the entire box anyways.”

“...We’re like five minutes from my house, I don’t need it.”

“Nine, and I know you’re hungry right now- I heard those growls.”

“It’ll ruin my appetite.”

“What’s a small snack gonna do? C’mon, c’mon…”

Anna wagged the treat at me like someone trying to feed animals at a petting zoo. It was as dehumanizing as it was annoying.

“I’ll want more if I eat one… and really, I have dinner to think about.”

In all likelihood, Kaju was already seething. I don’t want her to be even more mad at me.

Anna rebutted:

“It’s just past four- Dinner won’t be for a few hours. Plus, you’re just gonna stuff yourself with whatever’s in the fridge when you get back. Why not start now?”

Projection at its finest. But not completely inaccurate, sadly.

“That “ruin your appetite” stuff is nonsense anyways, Kazuhiko-kun- it’s something parents say to stop you from eating all the sweet things.”

“Anna-san, do your parent’s really care if that happens before or after a meal?”

With her, such a fate is inevitable.

“I’m serious, Kazuhiko-kun! One time, I ate a whole box of donuts, yet I had no problem finishing dinner. I even went for seconds.”

Though surrounded by her parents' lies- the only one she’d sussed out wasn’t even a lie, at least for most people. What a sad life.

...What were we even talking about again? I completely forgot.

Anna continued gesturing wildly for me to take the mochi.

Right... this farce.

Well, my legs are too sore to run away.

Mentally drained, I reluctantly took the mochi from her hand.

I ignored Anna’s smug face and small victory cheer as I opened the packaging.

Even though I was more than a little hungry, I took a second the admire the rice treat:

It truly must’ve been expensive. I could see the leaf patterns finely engraved onto the mochi’s skin- the treat’s pink was also deep and vibrant, as if it had been freshly made.

It surely must taste as good as it looks…

Quickly, I noticed that someone clearly agreed with my assessment.

Anna now looked at the pink sweet in my hand with hungry eyes. In the corner of her mouth, drool had started to form. I’ve seen this before- she was completely entranced by food.

“Do you…?”

I extended the mochi out to her.

Anna quickly broke out of her stupor.

“N-no, Kazuhiko-kun! This is my gift to you, so I can’t…”

-?

“When did you learn shame? You clearly want it more than I do.”

Anna was close enough to kick my shins.

Ow.

“It- it doesn’t mean much if I end up eating most of it…”

“It’s just one. There's more in the box right?”

“I’ll want more afterwards…”

Whoa, deja-vu. Who’s stubborn now? Nice of you to be so aware of yourself though.

“Just… just eat it quickly, Kazuhiko-kun! I’m barely holding it together! It was painful enough carrying it all the way here without eating it!”

“Fine fine…”

Jeez, so pushy- even with this.

I brought the mochi to my mouth, but I noticed Anna’s gaze was still fixed on it.

Just as a little experiment, I moved the mochi to the right.

Anna’s eyes followed.

I then moved it to the left.

Sure enough, like a cat and laser pointer, Anna’s eyes followed. It’s like there was nothing in the world except her and the singular piece of mochi.

Aren’t you carrying… no, there’s no explaining her behavior with logic.

All this does give me an idea though.

Slowly, I moved the sakura-mochi until it was level with Anna’s mouth. She was none the wiser- her mind was still held captive by the delicious treat in front of her.

Okay, phase two.

Cautiously, I took a step forward.

At that movement, Anna finally recognized my scheme.

Embarrassed, she spun her head away from me and took a step backwards.

Undeterred, I took another step forwards, making Anna take another step back.

I repeated my action and she did the same.

This continued until Anna had her back against the side of a building. She still had her head turned away from me, but she continued looking at the piece of Sakura-mochi with the corner of her eye.

“…It’s not a big deal, Anna-san. Just take it.”

Anna growled at my generous offer.

“Argh… when I decide to do something nice… you’re the worst Kazuhiko-kun!”

“You’re drooling again.”

Anna quickly wiped it off and then stubbornly stayed put- not giving me an inch.

I better wrap this up quickly. I’ve realized this scene would be kinda hard to explain…

“[sigh] Look, I don’t mind how many of the mochi you end up eating. Eat as much as you want- I won’t complain.”

“I said-”

“It’s your gift to me right? It’s my choice what happens to it- this is just what I want the most.”

“…”

At that, Anna's face tensed- she was no doubt going through some heavy internal conflict right now. To eat or not to eat…

However, to my relief, her contemplation seemed to end with the tension in her expression and frame dissipating. Good, this is a sign she’s listening to me.

Anna slowly turned her head to look at me- or rather, the appealing piece of mochi goodness mere centimeters from her piehole.

She finally opened her mouth.

“Ahhhhh...”

What? You’re not gonna snatch it from my ha-oh.

“No way.”

I pulled back from her once I realized her game.

I expected Anna to become miffed but instead, her lips curled into a smug smile.

“Then you eat it, Kazuhiko-kun.”

“…”

“Ahhhh…”

Her “Ahh”-ing was even louder this time around.

Is this revenge for your embarrassment? You’re gonna end up doing damage to us both, girl.

...Screw it, I’m in too deep. I just want this to end.

Restraining my annoyance, I stepped forward and placed the sakura-mochi in Anna’s mouth, taking special care to avoid touching her lips.

She almost instantly took to chewing it- her mood dramatically improving in the process.

“Mhmm… Thhnb Yobub…”

That piece wasn’t even that big; Anna was just so far in food bliss she couldn’t articulate words right…

Once she was done, she quickly pulled out the box from her bag.

“Here.”

She presented me the now opened box. This time, with no complaints, I took two pieces of the sakura-mochi.

Wow, it really is as good as Anna made it look.

I quickly scarfed down my two pieces.

Of course, my pace couldn’t match the blue haired girl in front of me.

Box in one hand, mochi in the other, opening wrappers with her teeth- she was tearing through the remaining mochi.

Unlike yesterday’s somewhat horrifying stress eating sess, Anna truly seemed to be enjoying herself. It looked as if she could barely control the utter joy she felt. She squealed loudly, mouth full of delight…

...

...With our foolish dispute, my worries had gone dormant.

Now, I felt them rearing their ugly heads again.

With intensity, I pushed them down- only focusing on the scene in front of me.

Even though I had seen much like it many, many times and even though it was mundane and predictable- Anna’s present glee made me satisfied.

Watching it, I could forget what was coming.

Gazing at her goofy smile, I could disregard my mounting dread.

Seeing her comically messy eating, I could ignore my growing guilt.

The world felt right and familiar for the first time in a long time. In fact, I wouldn’t have minded if it just stopped turning, right now.

Before this scene ends...

...Abruptly, Anna took pause to her eating.

Her eyes perked up to look at me- her mouth slightly agape.

She seemed completely surprised.

Then, inexplicably, a soft yet playful grin formed on her mochi-powder covered face.

I was slow to respond to any of this.

“...Kazuhiko-kun, your smile right now is really cute.”

Yours t - Wait what​?

Upon fully taking in her words, I tried to ascertain my expression.

Failing that, panicking, I frantically touched my face- desperately trying to figure out what was wrong with it.

“Pft-HA HA HA-”

Apparently, my distress was endlessly amusing to the girl in front of me.

“...Stop l-”

“-HA HA HA-”

It only got worse. At least I know I’m not smiling now.

“What was even weird about it…?” I asked to a still cruelly cackling Anna. This must not happen again…

After a while, Anna’s laughter finally subsided. To my surprise, she then proceeded to respond to my question:

“Nothing, Kazuhiko-kun.”

“What?”

“There was nothing weird or particular about it.”

“…What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Who knows? Here, have the rest of the mochi.”

...She handed me only three pieces. Fully expected.

I only took one. Quickly, I ripped the wrapper and popped the mochi into my mouth.

Getting the hint, Anna did the same with the remaining two- quickly gobbling up both of them.

There were sixteen sakura-mochi in that box and I got to have three of them.

By choice too… I must have Stockholm Syndrome if I think that’s ok. Like, I’m very much still hungry...

…Somewhat content, I continued walking to my house, with Anna following suit.

The rest of our short walk was very uneventful- both in reality and in my head-space.

Given it was late winter, the sun had already started to set- dyeing my neighborhood in warm shades of orange.

Despite the cold, my hunger, and my exhaustion- the scenery filled me with a sense of calm.

Just when we reached my house- I suddenly felt something tugging on my sleeve.

It was Anna. Of course, who else could it be?

I stopped walking.

“Yeah?”

“...You haven’t forgotten right?”

Completely different from before, Anna’s words had come out as barely a whimper. All at once, the serenity in my mind evaporated- replaced only by badly concealed worry...

...

...Why does she have to bring it up now? This is something we could’ve done through text.

I didn’t know this was even on her mind… a bad assumption I know.

Reluctantly, I forced my lips to move:

“Tomorrow. 5:30PM. Shin-Toyohashi station.”

My words came out robotic- as if I was talking about someone else’s affair- something disconnected from me.

Even when directly faced with my folly, I didn’t want to think about it.

“That’s… good enough, Kazuhiko-kun.”

Anna slowly let go of my track suit sleeve.

“Why are you asking? We planned this out yesterday. I couldn’t have forgotten it even if I'd tried.”

“…You’re a klutz, Kazuhiko-kun so I needed to be sure.”

It was hard to argue with that.

“...Hey, give me the bag. I’ll throw it away for you.”

Anna shook her head.

“I imagine this’ll be hard to explain to Imouto-chan. I’ll find a place to throw it away.”

Yeah, that’s fair.

“See ya later, Kazuhiko-kun.”

Anna waved me goodbye and then turned to go home.

As I watched her walk away, I noticed the contrast between today’s farewell and yesterday’s was striking:

To her as well, all that initial excitement had turned into anxiety; it’s just that her case was different from mine.

Probably more justified too...

I noticed Anna was now gone from my sight- I had lost the chance to bid her goodbye…

...Just go through with it, Kazuhiko. You’ll be fine.

You’ll be fine.

You’ll be fine...

…I didn’t know if I actually believed that. I should stop saying it.

Trying to bunt that thought away, I moved towards my front door.

I opened it.

“Good afternoon, Onii-sama.”

I was startled by Kaju calmly standing right in front of the doorway. Her lips were curled into an unassuming, gentle smile.

Crap, I was kinda hoping I could sneak into my room…ok, ok, objective now is to survive.

“H-hi, Kaju. What did you do today…?”

“Hmm… I was actually finishing the club’s end of term magazine on the computer. It should be ready by tomorrow.”

“T-hat’s great. Can I read-”

“But more importantly Onii-sama, you certainly had fun today, didn’t you?”

Her smile had suddenly become more threatening.

“...It was ok.”

“Yes... disappearing for over seven hours, skipping breakfast, skipping lunch, not taking your wallet, not taking your phone, essentially going off grid for most of the day...”

Seeing her growing fury, I half-considered going on a second run.

“...It all must have been very fun for you, Onii-sama.”

Kaju’s aura was now frigid cold- despite that, I felt sweat gushing out of my every pore. This is the scariest I’ve ever seen her.

You know what? I’ve accepted my fate… no running, no bargaining, I’m taking it lying down.

Anti-climatically, instead of chewing me out, Kaju let out a heavy, disappointed sigh.

I could be wrong, but I felt she had calmed down a bit- let’s hope for that.

Slowly, for an unknown reason, Kaju’s angry stare turned into one of concern.

“...We’ll talk about this after dinner…Dress out of your running clothes, Onii-sama.”

With that, Kaju headed towards the kitchen. Not gonna lie, I prefer a scolding Kaju to a standoffish one… this, this is not good.

Well, at least I’m safe for now.

After discarding my shoes and closing the door behind me, I quickly made my way upstairs.

To no one’s surprise, despite the fact I had left my room’s door open, it was now closed.

However, I was surprised when I found that nothing in my room had been touched.

My phone was still lying on my bed.

The study guide for Aichi University was still on my desk.

Even my pajamas remained on the floor.

Kaju must have not entered the room, even though she had closed the door and had probably even seen into it…

I’m not sure if I can get used to her respecting my privacy.

Despite Kaju’s prior instructions, I found myself collapsing onto my bed- my track suit and pants very much still on.

“Ow!”

I failed to consider the phone still on the bed- leading to my head landing right on it. It’s not like I hadn’t noticed it earlier… I’m just on a roll with getting hurt today.

Bored, I grabbed the device and turned it on.

I found a screen that hadn’t changed since the last time I saw it:

< K: I hope you do well, good luck>

Oh, actually- LINE told me that Tiara had read my text- that’s a change. Still no response though.

I’m not sure how to interpret that…

“How does this happen with…with…” I grumbled uselessly for a bit before fizzling out.

In truth, there was no rationalizing this.

This mess of different things that interwove with each other in the strangest ways- I was in the thick of it for now. I wasn’t able to see a way out, much less be able to comprehend anything.

…Maybe, in the future, I would understand- be able to look back and form some coherent narrative about these present happenings.

By then, I would view my current self with nostalgic bemusement:

I would see my current fears as pointless anxiety, safe in the knowledge that everything turned out okay.

I would joke with those close to me about our stupid misadventures- our most stressful moments becoming memories we laugh about.

Most importantly, I wouldn’t feel these unjustified, selfish feelings.

All traces of them would be gone...

I savored the thought of reaching that point- almost deluding myself into thinking I was already there. God am I hopeless…

...

…I mean… there was some precedent for it- some grounding for my gamble, I guess.

My past self had been too paralyzed in fear to do anything. If it weren’t the intervention of others- I could’ve screwed up things big time…

…so maybe, this time too, if I throw away my doubt and bother to show up…

...It’ll-

It’ll-

...I’ll just save the predictions for later.

Chapter Text

For some reason, I found myself at the old annex’s emergency stairs- sitting down on the metal steps and flipping through a light novel I’d picked out at random.

The faintest orange tinged an otherwise clear, blue summer sky- foretelling the coming sunset. However, the air was still warm and pleasant. I probably could've stayed out until it was too dark to read.

… I really shouldn’t though. I mean, I'm already here for no reason.

After the Lit Club’s impromptu Saturday “get the magazine edition done” crunch session, all the club members had left- me included. 

Then, on a whim, I'd stopped by the bookstore, letting Kaju go on ahead. 

After buying whatever, I had wandered aimlessly- eventually ending up back at Tsuwabuki.

Now it was just me at the empty school, reading somewhere that wasn’t the clubroom. 

None of it made much sense.

This particular spot too. These stairs. I’d just wandered here even though it was-

-Before the implications sunk in, I brushed them away. 

“...”

Trying to clear my head, I stubbornly focused on the words printed in front of me.

Quickly enough, I began to feel uncomfortable. My body felt usually tense, and I had to consciously make my eyes blink...

...in addition, despite my efforts, I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading.

My eyes would see a word, note it, and then move onto the next. Similarly, I was able to understand that word fine. 

However, my brain couldn't piece them together in any way.

They existed as characters coincidentally printed by each other. From them, I couldn’t string together a discernible sentence, much less a story.

Effectively the light novel I was holding was unreadable. 

So frustrating… I didn’t know I was this off.

I also soon realized I didn’t even know what it was I was “reading”.  I remembered shoving a bunch of lns in my shopping bag, then putting them all back, and then picking one at random and buying that. I hadn’t bothered to look at the title- or maybe I had just forgotten it.

…I didn’t bother to check it now- that was irrelevant to me. Instead, I simply continued on as before- scanning through a page, gleaning nothing, occasionally turning the page, occasionally just starting from the top again. 

It made no difference.

Yeah…yeah, none at all. No matter which mind-numbing method I used or how I executed it- I couldn’t run faster than my thoughts.

Catching up to me was the memory from earlier today. That – I really didn’t want to remember. It's really just something to forget…

…

…

… God was it embarrassing, not to mention so, so stupid.

I mean, it wasn’t like her to slip…

… especially on a banana peel she’d dropped moments before.

I mean, c’mon? C’mon?!

It was painful to watch and somehow more painful to recall!

The smug look when we were talking about who knows what, her ignoring my plead to pick up the peel, the impeccable comedic timing of her slip-

All of it was just so cartoonishly stupid… it’s not like her life’s a gag manga or anything, so why does she have to be that dumb… Did she forget object permanence…?

… ok, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe that kind of brain-dead behavior is just like her.

Her life is a never-ending roller-coaster of fuck ups and I’m a somehow willing passenger. Why am I not jumping out again? I kinda wanna risk the fall at this point.

And… yeah, what came after today's screw up was really annoying too:

Me having to catch her was embarrassing- not that my blushing back then meant anything. Get any girl around my age in my arms like that and you’ll get similar results. 

I’m sure it’s the same vice versa- it would’ve taken anyone to get her face that red.

So none of that meant a thing, irritating as the hassle was.

More troubling was her expression right after we parted.

The persistent flush on her face, the twitching of her nervous blue eyes, the noticeable movements of her lips- she wanted to say something. I recognized that right away.

It wasn’t the first time she had that look. Not by a long shot.

There was that time three months ago, and then one three months before then. Given the timing, those two times, she'd taken inspiration from others. What a mindless trend-follower.

… Though, to be fair, the very first time, before those other two, came out of nowhere:

The night of my 17th birthday- seven months ago- I was walking that girl home from the party. We were babbling about whatever…

…Then, we turned a corner and her eyes shined with that unmistakable glint. Her words stopped and that now familiar nervous look appeared on her face.

After a good five(?) minutes of her mumbling, I pointed at her house, now in view, turned, and made my way home. Bad manners I know.

Looking back, I think my reaction back then was just knee-jerk panic. I really had no clue…

… That could be said less about the second time it happened though.

Even less the third time…

...Now, today being the fourth occasion, my avoidance was undeniably intentional- 

-I know what she wants me to glean- more or less. It's what I've been evading this entire time.

B-but it’s not like my evasion was ever strong. T-today, I just told her to be careful and that I had to go to the restroom. Then I shuffled out of the club room- quite slowly I might add… she-uh she could’ve stopped me at any time!

A-and it was the same for the other three times… P-plus- Chika and Lemon, those two would’ve stopped at nothing to tell me how they felt so it’s not entirely my fault that… she probably would’ve backed off anyway… It could also be I’m reading too much into all of this. She might not actually-

-Preemptively, I stopped myself.

…Pathetic- falling down that train of thought. 

In truth… I know I’m not being fair to her.

That girl’s feelings- as her friend, I should hear them out. It’s not right to stall her and I’ve faced similar things before.

Sure, I didn’t like those occasions, but I didn’t do anything to stop them- they’d confessed sincerely and I’d rejected them sincerely.

… I was no longer at the point where I believed I didn’t deserve such a thing, so this time shouldn’t have been any different…

…

… I guess I kinda just… don’t want to hear it from that girl. In particular. I guess.

Ok, scratch that, I definitely really, really don’t want to hear it from her in particular-

-I hate to admit it, but she’s my exception when it comes to this. For so, so many reasons.

With her, I don’t know how I'll respond or if I’ll respond honestly. Frankly, I’m not interested in knowing, not really. How I think about and relate to her now- I don’t want a challenge to that.

Not from her and especially not from my own, unreliable, ever shifting thoughts.

“…”

… Spurred by a sudden fear, I looked up from my book. I tried moving as little as possible- afraid too much motion would go noticed.

As expected, no one was in front of me- just more stairs leading onto a platform, then a guardrail, and then some trees.

I should’ve felt relieved. Yet, I only felt my eyes hone in on the shifted shadows. My brain wracked itself, trying to recall if the hue had changed since…

… it had. A lot actually. I must’ve lost track of time.

I wasn’t calmed down at all.

Suddenly, the book I held closed shut with a definite thump.

It hadn’t done that by itself of course- the hand I was holding it with was responsible.

…Not intentional but I wasn’t surprised at myself. Not at all.

Appropriately, my grip on the book was now far too tight. I was going to damage the spine at this rate.

After forcing my hand to ease up- I placed my light novel aside.

I checked my phone- it being on airplane mode, I had no new notifications, but I could still check the time:

6:49 PM- jeez… I’m getting an earful when I get back home… 

…

… She won’t be there right? 

We ended today on normal terms- despite that incident.

That memory could still be lingering in her mind though… in fact, I was sure of that fact… so it wasn’t likely she would pop into my house like she always had… but...

… It ultimately didn’t matter- how much more I decided to loiter.

If she was at my house now she was 100% staying for dinner and I really needed to get back by then.

However, at the very least, I wanted to prepare my head a bit more. Yeah just a bit more time ‘til I’m ready for anything…

…

…

…

… Who am I kidding, I’m not preparing at all.

I double checked that my phone was on airplane mode. Then, after picking up my light novel, I stood up.

My legs didn’t feel like going home. So, instead, I turned and began walking up the stairs to the rooftop. 

With each listless step, my own pointless, pathetic avoidance became more and more apparent to me, peeling back my denial and revealing more embarrassing thoughts…

I didn’t try to fight it. I wasn’t trying to run away from my thoughts anymore; they just wouldn't be allowed to phase me…

…I felt a sigh leave my mouth as I conceded something to myself.  Frankly, this realization was long overdue:

I regretted how past me had lived. There’d been something wrong with it, inherently. The way I'd chosen to interact with the world and the people in it- it’d all been so immature and self-defeating-

-Now though, thankfully, I have the self-awareness to know that I’m in love with my present setting… that chaotic girl’s company most of all.

My relation to her- I don’t see how it can get better, and I’m scared to death that it’ll get worse if…

So, there’s no point in rocking the boat or letting it get rocked. The best course of action is just staying steady. 

New expectations, dynamics, and complications- there’s no need for uncharted waters when you already have it good.

I just have to hope that she won’t do anything- at least nothing more than the feeble tries so far. From what I know of her, I’m cautiously optimistic. Any escalation will be a surprise at this point…

… Yeah, heck, I bet she agrees with me. Deep inside.

Her attempts so far, I’ll chalk those up to bad impulse control. 

Not a big deal and nothing I’m not used to. Sure, they make things awkward now… but eventually, she’ll stop- meaning nothing, absolutely nothing will have come out of this.

We can continue unchanged after it’s over.

Like it was a bad dream…

“...”

… After stepping onto the empty rooftop, I instinctually looked up-

-All at once, I was forced to take in the sky in its entirety.

The clouds had begun to darken, that orange tinge from before had deepened, and the previously ever-spanning summer blue was now becoming fainter and fainter. Definitely still there, but not for long.

It became unmistakable to me- the day’s end had begun. And earlier than I'd been expecting.

There was really no point in denying it anymore…

“…”

… Let’s just watch the sunset and go home.

I woke up feeling worse than I’d felt in a while- which was saying something. Sleep had been miserable for months.

I could recognize only some silver lining-

-That dream… I should count myself lucky that it cut off where it did.

Slowly opening my eyes, I noticed that it was the dead of night- only a faint moonlight present in my room. 

I was laying on my bed, blanket on. Despite that, I was still wearing my running clothes- not even my socks were off.

Did I just fall asleep before…?

I guess I did.

Neither Kaju nor my parents had woken me up for dinner… that’s strange. She’s usually so pushy about that.

I didn’t remember turning off my lights or putting on my blanket for that matter- so it’s not like there hadn’t been someone in my room. I’m not a deep sleeper either…

My stomach abruptly started grumbling.

Right, after a total intake of three pieces of Sakura-mochi and a can of Polcari, I was famished. I couldn’t go back to sleep at this rate.

I forced my upper torso upright. For a few minutes, I fumbled around looking for my phone until I noticed that it was on my desk, charging.

Next to it was my Aichi University study guide, aligned differently from how I’d left it.

…Thanks, Kaju.

I got up from my bed and picked up my phone, my eyes first drifting to the date:

2023… February… 27th, which happened to fall on a Monday.

Today was the day for my entrance exams for Aichi University… not to mention that outing with… I also noticed the time:

3:17 AM.

Fourteen hours and thirteen minutes until the agreed meeting time.

That felt odd.

Everything felt odd to me.

All the things I had to do today- none of them felt real. Did I really agree to…  

…I turned off my phone and placed it back on my desk.

Listless and despite my hunger, I found myself standing in place, staring out the window.

That dream from before- it wasn't useful to me at all.

…Really, that person on that rooftop, I was the same as him-

No difference in mindset, no difference in how I felt, and no less unsure of how I thought of her.

My temporary bout of recklessness Saturday hadn’t changed that fact.

That’d been simple stupidity: me pretending something important to me wasn’t for…

…it really was like I had popped from that rooftop at that time to the here and now. 

I understood that past me to a scary degree.

I  definitely couldn’t say the same if I went back further. I didn’t know how much exactly, definitely not to first year me though. 

I-I could take some pride in that at least. It’s for best I didn’t get that ver-

But deciding Yanami-san's feelings for her- that's not okay! You're erasing the fact that she liked you just like that!

[Writer’s Note: This line’s from the Pingas translation]

-or maybe not.

Did I- Did I forget something along the way?

…No, I was as unequipped as I am now. It’s always easier dictating morals to others… and always harder to stick to them yourself.

That… that does mean I haven’t really progressed since then….

…

…No.

… no, no no no! I can’t afford to think like that-

Nitpicking my own worst qualities and memories to feed my anxiety- how many times had I done that...?

I haven’t changed since then? I know that’s wrong-

I was different from before. Maybe I’d stalled a bit at some point, maybe I’d gotten a little comfortable. I may have even made a couple of mistakes… None of that mattered. There was nothing saying I couldn’t overwrite it all.

Filled with sudden determination, I grabbed my phone. I turned it on, opened LINE, and navigated to that particular set of kanji- that specific name. I quickly clicked on it to find a well-used, if a little one-sided chat.

The moment after I clicked the screen to type is when my rush wore off.

Before my thumb even made contact with the keyboard- clarity rushed in and I ground to a halt.

Wh-what was I going to do again?

I was-

I-

I guess…

…Come to think of it… I really had no idea…

I stood there, phone in hand, on, in my dimly moonlit room.

I continued staring at the name on the screen that wasn’t mine- checking again and again and again that the chat was real, that our conversations were real, that she was real- that this wasn’t some fantasy of mine that had gone on for too long- that there really was no way out of this.

I would’ve stayed like that if it weren’t for my empty stomach. Its continued growling eventually managed to snap me back into reality.

My eyes flickered as I realized what I’d been doing.

…Annoyed and embarrassed, I quickly threw my phone on my bed and turned to leave my room, heading for the kitchen.

Let’s just eat something and go back to sleep.

“Onii-sama… what are you…?”

“…”

Kaju’s voice made me realize what I was doing- standing in the kitchen, in front of an opened fridge, violently shoving cold pieces of rolled omelet straight from the container into my mouth… with my hands. Frankly, I was kinda making a mess- both on my face and on the floor.

My little sister, dressed in her pajamas, looked upon me with absolute befuddlement.

“K-I’ve never seen you like this…” she mumbled.

What was worse was that she’d caught me with my mouth full. I had to take a good few awkward seconds chewing and swallowing before I could respond to her:

“…I practically ate nothing yesterday.”

“Why didn’t you just eat up the curry… I saved it for…”

Kaju, probably seeing the yellow stains on my face, darted her eyes to the kitchen counter. She found an empty plate with traces of curry sauce still on it. The area around it was a mess as well.

I decided that it was a good time to close the fridge door. Slowly.

“Did Onii-sama at least heat it up before…?”

Not feeling like lying, I shook my head.

“I see…”

Still shocked, Kaju fully took in the scene in front of her. I could almost hear the gears in her head turning with violent force.

Ok, ok… just kill me now. No need to drag it out… I might die of embarrassment if you wait too long.

Dang, I kinda hoped she would be cooled off- but I think I just ignited the flames again.

“…[sigh] Just…just go wash your face, Onii-sama. I will clean up after you.”

“You don’t have to do that Kaju… I’ll tid-”

“-In exchange , you have to come back here for a little talk. Is that alright? Onii-sama?” asked Kaju- though she wasn’t really asking.

“Ah-I… ok.”

I meandered out of the kitchen, trying to avoid Kaju as she walked past me.

Upon reaching the bathroom, I turned on the faucet and began washing my face. The cold water woke me up a bit more.

Incidentally, that gave me enough sense to properly cringe at my actions. 

Urgh… I shouldn’t be giving Kaju reasons to worry about me. Eating like I was Anna definitely wasn’t it… that was actually concerning beyond belief. My head should be checked.

Didn't I tell you earlier? My days as a helicopter parent are over.

…And I definitely didn’t want to revoke the trust Kaju had put in me.

I hoped that I hadn’t already.

After finishing a wash that had gone on for too long, I left the bathroom and walked back to the kitchen, slowly.

I found it to be completely spotless, all traces of my previous messes were gone. Kaju had really done a good job… in such a short time too…

I looked around for my little sister, eventually finding her head sticking out from the coach.

One deep breath later, I walked over and sat down right next to her.

Kaju initially didn’t react to my presence. Her hands were placed on her lap and her gaze was aimed straight ahead- no hint of movement. Her expression was blank, making me wonder if she’d noticed me at all.

“Onii-sama…” she started. I automatically tensed up at her voice.

“Yes?”

“…You remember the graduation party, correct?”

-?

I took pause. To be honest, I didn’t know why she would bring it up.

“Yeah…yeah, of course, what about it?”

“Onii-sama’s on the planning committee.”

The what…?

Upon seeing my confusion, Kaju sighed.

“You don’t remember, do you?”

“I-I… I swear it was on my mind a few days ago… just some things came up…I had my Nagoya exams on Saturday and the ones for Aichi are-”

Wait, probably not a good idea to mention that.

“-It’s just that there’s been… I-uh- I’ve been busy…”

As I was saying that, I found myself inching away from Kaju. That fact probably didn’t make my case anymore convincing. The sweating couldn't have helped either.

To my surprise, instead of the scolding interruption I was expecting, Kaju didn’t say anything. She simply waited for me to finish.

I wish I had a good excuse I could give her.

“…And yeah, that’s it.”

Another tired sigh left Kaju’s mouth.

“The committee’s Karen-Senpai, Chi-Senpai, Hakamada-senpai, and you, Onii-sama. You agreed to this one month ago and I believe you were supposed to meet tomorrow at Karen-senpai’s place. Around noon.”

Oh yeah… at Karen’s huge apartment- that’s the graduation party’s location. We talked about it in January. It’s coming back to me now… I can’t believe I forgot.

“That sounds right… Thanks for reminding me, Kaju. Honestly, where would your Onii-sama be without you?”

I moved my hand to pat Kaju’s head but suddenly, my little sister started pouting angrily- clearly seeing my escape attempt for what it was. I was forced to withdraw.

“… Mou … Onii-sama…”

I didn’t know about Kaju’s death glare- you learn something new everyday. At least unlike a certain someone else’s, it was still cute, somehow…

“Sorry Kaju… w-was there anything else?”

“…Chika-senpai’s going to be coming over for the next few days. We’re baking treats for the graduation party.”

“Chika? That’s nice. Well, if that’s it-”

“Please sit back down, Onii-sama. One last thing.”

“…”

I should start pouting. Maybe I’ll get what I want then… I mean, when Kaju does it to me she has like a 70% success rate, right!? So maybe in reverse…?

…Nah. That won’t wor-

Before I finished with my hare-brained thoughts, Kaju started again:

“It’s just… Onii-sama, your graduation ceremony is also coming up, isn’t it…?”

What? Why would she ask this? She’s the StuCo president- she’s part of the organizing.

“On Friday yeah.”

Four days from now.

“Have you…” Kaju said before she trailed off. Her demeanor felt oddly avoidant.

Wait, does she think the fact I’m graduating is the reason I’ve been… off? That’s surprisingly off-mark for her.

“You don’t have to worry about that, Kaju. I mean, I handled middle school graduation pretty well, didn’t I? I’ll be fine-”

“-Not quite what I was going to ask Onii-sama,” Kaju said, coldly.

“…Sorry.”

I really hate it when Kaju’s mad at me…

“Honestly… women don’t like it when you assume things-”

See that’s what I would think so too but I’ve found that in my experience-

“-As Ka- as I was saying… Have you accepted everything you need to, Onii-sama? In their entirety?”

Kaju’s voice felt heavy despite its familiar softness.

I was confused. 

Weird thing to ask, how is that…

… I think I get it?

“…As I said, and I know it’s surprising, but I’m fine, Kaju.”

On the graduation stuff anyway. After all, it’s not ok for me not to be.

“Honestly… this time doesn’t feel that different from my middle school graduation.”

Despite the stark difference from then and now, that was my best truth.

Sure, there were now more people around me meaning more change for me to take in.

However, generally, when I’d seen it, I had accepted it fully:

Tiara’s confidence.

Riko’s responsibility.

Chika’s bravery.

Lemon’s strength.

Anna’s- ok, there’s a reason why I said “generally”… That’s an outlier though, I’m excluding her-

-Those developments- the people my friends had become and the places they were going- all of it was universally, undeniably, positive. I’d briefly felt weird about it before, but that was behind me.

Yeah, I would be a real jerk if I wasn’t completely happy for each and every one of them…

“Eh, so I won’t be crying anytime soon. I’m just looking forward to Spring break to be honest… Thanks for worrying about me though.”

…which wasn’t a problem because I was. There wasn’t much more to it other than one, tiny annoyance.

At what felt like my honest answer, Kaju didn’t respond immediately.

I noticed her lips pull back ever so slightly.

Soon enough however- she forced her words out:

“What about possibly moving out…for university, Onii-sama? Have you accepted that?”

Her dark brown eyes were serious and a little sad.

Before responding to her, I raised my hand and began gently ruffling her hair. I felt Kaju, previously so stiff, ease.

I understood what she really wanted to know. I think.

“… Um, truth be told… I haven’t accepted that one fully… yeah, even after talking with Oka-san and Oto-san. I’m going to try and avoid it if I can. Sorry Kaju.”

It wasn’t likely that that would happen. Three out of four of the universities I applied to had inconvenient commutes from my house. I would get tired of that eventually.

But oh well, I’ll try and hope it works out.

I noticed admitting this to Kaju felt better than my previous statements. Lighter, despite the fact it was worse, factually speaking. It showed I was still a bit immature- refusing to accept the inevitable.

I wondered why that was.

“Nothing to apologize for…” Kaju mumbled after I removed my hand from her head.

“Onii-sama…”

“Yeah?”

Quickly, Kaju looked up to stare at me with scarily focused eyes- silently analyzing my entire being.

It was startling…

... 

…My little sister’s a sharp girl- I know that.

Not much gets past her- sometimes I think she knows me better than myself.

So it was exceedingly foolhardy that I just maintained my awkward, slight smile. It’s an expression I know she recognizes, but…

“…Really? Everything?” Kaju said after a long pause.

“Well, I mean, mostly yeah. Unless I’m missing something.”

That statement too, is something I would typically say.

It applied here, I know it did.

To my relief, Kaju’s expression eased and a smile formed on her face. The first one I’d seen today.

She stood up from the coach.

“Then, Onii-sama, that’s all I have to say. Everything should be fine.”

She seemed satisfied and content enough.

I'm so relieved…

“Good night Kaju-”

“-You have an important date today, yes?”

“…Yeah.”

I’m guessing it was Chika who spilled the beans… Goddammit! Don’t tell your cooking buddy about everything!

Though, to be fair, maybe Chika had thought I’d already told Kaju myself… sound assumption but not the case.

Surprisingly, Kaju’s smile only grew wider.

“Perfect! Onii-sama, let’s coordinate your outfit immediately!”

…What?

“Kaju… the meeting time’s 5:30.”

My little sister shook her head furiously.

“I have to come home late today, Onii-sama. That’s not nearly enough time! Oh- Please wait-”

Kaju, excited, ran up the stairs and came back with a large sketchbook.

“Chika-senpai’s been teaching me how to draw! I've sketched so many concepts!”

She opened it and proudly showed me these “concepts”.

I blankly stared at her illustrations of… me?

… I uh… I don’t own these clothes or anything like them.

Also, my jawline isn’t that sharp… and are the random flowers everywhere necessary? I guess that’s Chika’s influence.

“Well? Well?! Which one do you like best, Onii-sama?!”

She’s asking for my opinion about clothes? That’s progress but I can’t match her energy right now… or ever, when she gets like this.

“…Onii-sama likes sleep, Kaju.”

Ugh… what a wash…

In less than high spirits, I slogged out of the testing building at Aichi University.

After convincing Kaju to not put me through dozens of different outfits, I’d gone to sleep for close to three hours. Then I’d woken up and tried to cram everything I could into my head… with mixed results:

Almost every subject test- they’d been easier than expected. Complete breezes compared to Nagoya University’s exams.

The math one though…

…

…I don’t want to talk about it.

Maybe like half the questions, I feel ok about… the rest though, I have the sinking feeling that if I think about them more, I’ll realize I got them wrong… Bullshitting your way through is not a good way to pass tests. 

Or do anything really…

…Not to say my life was over or something- far from it.

This school wasn’t really in consideration for me- only two really were. Maybe three but unlikely considering how that girl had likely done on…

Anyways- so, yeah it didn’t matter. 

Nonetheless, I felt like my pride as a student had gone flying out the window. Not the best way to end the exams season.

Is this how a 1st year Tiara felt after every exam? What a miserable existence.

I noticed that I’d drifted to the University’s north exit.

I then left the campus and walked to the nearby station. It was one that I knew quite well- Aichi-Daigaku-Mae- the place I’d used for my high school career.

[Writer’s Note: I know Aichi-Daigaku just means Aichi University- I’ve chosen to not translate based on vibes]

A little south of it, well within walking distance, was Tsuwabuki high school, my soon-to-be Alma Mater.

Come to think of it, Aichi University’s location’s pretty convenient… so close to Tsuwabuki that my commute would practically be the same. I wouldn’t have to move out or really change much… Why did none of my friends apply to this one?

Oh yeah… with Chika, AichiU’s not known for generous scholarships. With Lemon, the school’s also not known for its competitive track team. It wasn’t prestigious either so most of my other friends could do a lot better…

[Writer’s Note: I dunno if this is actually true about AichiU, real school by the way]

…Wait, what was that girl’s reason for not applying again?

Huh… well, I don’t think she ever mentioned it directly, but I remember something she said just as application season started:

Far enough to be different, close enough to come home crying whenever you want!

Shallow hare-brained thinking- dumbass trying to sound smart. I should’ve called her out on that.

Wait, I did, she just didn’t listen to me. Story of my life honestly… What a stupid reason…

Standing on the station platform, I heard the screeching sound of an approaching train. As it got closer and closer, an odd thought crossed my mind-

This is the last time I’m going to use this station, isn’t it?

Yeah…I mean, I’ll have to come to Tsuwabuki for my graduation ceremony, but my parents will be driving me and Kaju there.

Same for when I return to Tsuwabuki for Riko’s graduation.

And Kaju’s the year after that.

There isn’t a situation I can think of where I’d be at this station again… I'm not seriously considering Aichi after all…

Maybe unless I come back to Tsuwabuki as a teacher or something? I'll probably use this station then…

Still, by then, no one I knew was going to be there- even Konuki-sensei and Amanatsu-sensei would’ve transferred out by then…

That thought felt oddly disturbing to me. I tried to shake it off as I got on the train.

The train was crowded. Not only with AichiU applicants and students but also with Tsuwabuki students- members of the going-home club. Neither Kaju nor Riko would be among them.

Bored, I checked my phone:

Still not a lot of texts. Some stuff in the Lit club chat, probably about Lemon’s return and… oh, and some stuff from the graduation party group chat as well.

In particular, Karen had sent a notable one around the time my final test had concluded:

<KH: Remember! If you’re on the planning committee, please come to my place tomorrow at noon ;)>

She didn’t mention names, so it was a good thing Kaju had reminded me.

<K: I’ll be there.>

I responded simply, out of hand- this party stuff wasn’t on the top of my mind.

The time was 3:12 PM. Two hours and eighteen minutes until my “date”.

…I still wasn’t comfortable calling it that. Even in my head.

It depends on how it turns out, I guess… 

Oh, I’m here. I must have been zoning out.

The train had arrived where I needed to get off.

Incidentally, that happened to be Shin-Toyohashi.

…Why am I panicking?

I have time and surely I won’t run into anyone here. There’s nothing to be scared of…

I was still slow to exit the platform.

Short walk, short walk- I repeatedly told myself as I hurriedly walked to Ekimae tram-station.

Normal looking as I was, I must’ve seemed incredibly sketchy- moving faster than I needed to like someone was chasing me, constantly checking my surroundings, sweating bullets as well… I wouldn’t have been surprised if a police officer had come up and stopped me.

No feeling of calm appeared even after I reached Ekimae and boarded on my usual tram route.

Unfortunately, that remained the case when the tram arrived at the stop near my house…

After I got off, I checked the time:

3:37 PM. One hour and fifty-three minutes until the agreed upon meeting time.

That seemed so short compared to what I had before- a time that felt like it'd been just a moment ago. 

Everything’s moving too fast…

Suddenly, I felt a light, yet cold tap on my face. Then another, and then another.

I looked up at a sky covered in light gray. From it, a scant shower of rain was coming down.

Oh yeah… not a surprise.

In contrast to an otherwise dry-cold month, today, Toyohashi would receive some rain.

It wasn’t going to affect what me and her had planned today. The weather forecast had said the rain was going to last, at most, until 5:00 PM. 

Believe me, I checked multiple times.

…Well, this isn’t the type of rain where you even need an umbrella. I’ll be fine.

I began my walk home, the light shower being barely a bother.

…My head didn’t have anywhere in the present where it wanted to go, so it chose to reminisce instead.

From my memories, it picked a particular walk along the same route I was on now. From the fall of my first year.

I didn’t know why- I’d walked this path hundreds, if not thousands of times. Why that particular occasion? 

Plus- there were some big differences from that time and today. That walk had taken place later in the day, there had been a lot more rain, and of course, Kaju had been with me, under the same umbrella. 

Right now, there was no umbrella near me- much less my little sister.

Maybe I was recalling it just because it was raining right now… or maybe the fact I was going out for udon later was making my head play weird association games-

-Whatever the reason, that walk back with Kaju was becoming vivid in my memory- as were its circumstances:

Boy… I really messed up that time didn’t I?

Ignoring Chika’s feelings, being uninterested in knowing- what the heck did I think was gonna happen? 

So much trouble that could’ve been avoided…

…Despite that, I don’t hate thinking about that time, not really.

However messed up it felt in the moment- the resolution to it all made it squarely worth it.

Sure, I got my pastries stolen, got a water bottle thrown at me, and got clobbered by Lemon, but it turned out more than ok in the end.

And that was with less than a plan going in:

I just showed up with a box of cakes, tried to talk to Chika, things went wrong, and then I did something reckless. Then again. 

I’m remembering that correctly, right?

…Regardless, what I’m facing now with Anna can’t be that different.

It’s guaranteed to be derailed at some point.

It’s guaranteed to end up in a way I couldn’t have imagined.

I’ll probably try something dumb, it’ll go wrong. Then I’ll try something again, which will also probably go wrong… then again…

…wow, what a nightmare.

But… as long as I keep at it, everything should end up ok…

I mean, heck- I know more about Anna than I did about Chika back then. That glutton’s feelings are pretty clear to me- she’s gotten better at expressing them after all. So if anything, this time should be easier.

I have to do it all by myself this time, but I’m more capable now… it’ll be fine…

…I had reached my house.

Entering it, I realized that I was exhausted. 

Not because of the tests or from the walk back, but because I just had an utterly tiring conversation with myself. A horribly repetitive one…

…This time was different though, I wasn’t going to backtrack this time- this would be the last time I talked with myself like this.

Forever.

I was as confident in that as I could possibly muster.

Yeah…

…In truth, I’d been lying earlier:

Those memories of my 1st year’s autumn- my mind hadn’t drifted to them. I’d wanted to recall them- to show myself evidence of a hole I climbed out of.

This time couldn’t be too different, no matter the circumstances.

As I was walking up the stairs to my room, I again checked the time on my phone.

3:49 PM. One hour and forty-one minutes until the agreed meeting time.

I would need to leave the house a bit before 5:10, so I had around an hour and twenty minutes to prepare.

Plenty of time…

4:20 PM. One hour and ten minutes until the agreed upon meeting time. It’d already stopped raining.

I decided to leave early.

I’d agreed with Kaju earlier that when she came back, we would pick out my outfit together.

However… I just had a feeling she was going to go overboard…so I needed to get out of the house before then.

Besides, I kinda caught on from how many of my coolest clothes went “missing” the kind of outfit Kaju wanted me to wear. Well, more like what kind of outfit she didn’t want me to wear.

In any event, the garb I’d chosen this time around consisted of a gray jumper, a white shirt, a pair of black slacks, and a rarely worn light-brown leather coat.

At the very least- everything was relatively new for my wardrobe. The getup wasn’t particularly flashy or fashionable, but that shouldn’t have been a problem… I couldn’t imagine the udon place was very fancy... 

I hope I’m doing this right…

I breathed a heavy sigh as I put on a pair of black loafers.

Honestly, avoiding Kaju wasn’t my only reason for leaving early.

I was still fully committed to seeing this through, but the tension was killing me. I needed to do something… even if that just meant waiting at the station instead of my house.

Just as I finished putting on my shoes, the front-door suddenly swung open.

Crap.

Right in front of me was my little sister, in her Tsuwabuki uniform, staring blankly at her promise-breaking, scumbag older brother.

She was back early.

“I can explain-”

Kaju cut me off by gently shaking her head, donning an unusual, deadpan expression.

She entered the house, took off her shoes, put them in their proper place, closed the door behind her and then proceeded to walk past me.

She seemed oddly calm. No pouting or any sign of annoyance… just indifference…

“Kaju, I…” I finally said when she reached the staircase.

I didn’t have anything to say- not really. I was just stunned that Kaju was acting like this, even if I deserved it.

It seemed too different from earlier today…

“…Yes, Onii-sama?” she replied, still not looking at me.

“There’s still time for-”

“That’s quite all right.”

“...”

“...”

“…I-uh, I’m going out now… I should be back by seven…”

“I see. Have fun, Onii-sama. Good luck,” she stated simply. Then she continued on her way to her room.

Ugh… this really isn’t a good way to start this, I should’ve just waited…

Oh well, it wasn’t like my conviction was any weaker… by that much.

But cheering up Kaju after this is going to be way harder now… What a mess…

Somewhat defeated, I reached for the door handle.

I must’ve really been out of it because I didn’t notice the quick series of footsteps coming down the stairs.

The door was opened and my left foot was on the threshold when a small, warm presence suddenly collided with my back.

Huh…?

In stunned silence, I turned my neck to find a head of familiar, long dark hair.

It was Kaju- her thin arms tightly wrapped around me, and her face completely smushed into my back. 

Needless to say, I was shocked at the change from just before…

“Kaju…?” I questioned hesitantly.

In response, I only received some adorable muffled grumblings. Nothing audible.

Her hold remained firm. I didn’t know Kaju was even capable of hugging someone this tightly.

She must really want this.

Despite my confusion, I managed to smile awkwardly…

… this was hopefully enough comeuppance to make up for my transgressions.

Us siblings stayed in that position for a while, Kaju refusing to even slightly part with me. 

I didn’t mind- after all, I felt Kaju needed this for some reason.

…Eventually, however, after quite a bit of time, Kaju’s grasp on me weakened. It didn’t happen all at once, but gradually- bit by bit, so slowly I didn’t realize the change at first.

It took me a second to realize she was no longer hugging me.

Now completely parted from me, Kaju took a few steps back.

A gentle, somewhat sad smile had formed on her face. Her present gaze felt timidly soft.

“Onii-sama… I’m still mad you went ahead without me-”

Well, that’s expected-

“-but mostly… I’m just glad you picked an outfit that isn't completely worthless. It… it makes me so happy…”

Kaju wiped away a small tear that had formed on her eye.

You…you… you don’t have trash my fashion sense like that!

Not realizing her hurtful words, Kaju continued:

“Be back soon, Onii-sama… Kaju will be waiting for you, as always,” she said, still smiling.

I didn’t comment on the slipu- no, it wasn’t that.

“…Thanks Kaju, I’ll be back, as always.”

I continued to leave. However, maybe ten paces from the front-door, I was stopped again. Not by Kaju’s presence this time but her voice:

“Onii-sama!”

I turned to find Kaju still standing in the doorway and looking more fidgety than usual- her previous smile abruptly absent. Despite her sudden panic, she quickly collected herself.

Her words came not long afterwards:

“…We had to fill out a career form about a week ago… I picked my first choice of university...”

I blinked. Why was she telling me this?

“That’s good…”

I tried recalling something but I failed.

“...Uh, which university did you pick?”

“...Kyoto University, Onii-sama.”

Kyoto? That was a notoriously difficult place to get in but, with Kaju’s grades, I wasn’t worried.

I tenuously grinned, proud of my little sister.

“I’m sure you’ll make it.”

She was still a 1st year, but it was good she was thinking about this- wouldn’t want her ending up like me.

With no plan at all, my criteria for universities had turned out completely embarrassing. 

“… I actually narrowed it down to Kyoto a few months ago. I believe I told you, Onii-sama. Early December, I believe?”

Early December… I couldn’t remember it.

That made sense though, that time had been my last bit of freedom before I’d really started cramming for the university common exam. Any memories directly prior would’ve been lost in the fog.

I scratched my head apologetically.

“Sorry Kaju… I don’t remember…”

Luckily, she didn’t seem mad at all.

“No worries, Onii-sama. That’s to be expected. Goodbye now.”

…but something about her tone. It was a bit frustrating- like me and her disagreed on something. 

I ignored it. 

“Bye, be back soon.”

After waving at each other, Kaju closed the door and I continued my way to the station.

While walking, I wondered why she told me about her future plans- with a week delay as well.

…Nope, I have no clue. I’m probably never gonna get that one. It probably isn’t worth thinking about anyways, for now. If Kaju wants to, she’ll tell me eventually.

For now, I just want to prove that her consistent faith in me isn’t ill-placed…

…The time was 4:43 PM. Forty-seven minutes until the agreed meeting time. I would still arrive early at this rate.

I really had no time for 2nd thoughts at all.

...I again told myself that I was confident.

5:01 PM. Twenty-nine minutes left. I was on the tram- only 1 stop away from Ekimae.

I wasn’t thinking about much.

My phone’s screen was close to my face. On it was simply the time- nothing else, nothing unnecessary.

The tram stopped.

Ekimae-dori- next one is Ekimae.

Actually, Dori was so close to my destination that I could get off, walk, and still be on time, just a little later…

…I stayed put.

I wasn’t going to uselessly delay anymore.

If whatever this is is going to start a bit early…it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. 

My phone suddenly buzzed with a new notification.

It was a text from Anna:

<A: btw lets meet at the west exit k?>

Amazing… she must’ve decided to arrive early too. For once- we were of the same mind. I wonder if she’ll be surprised I showed up early.

The time was 5:04 PM. We probably should’ve clarified the exact meetup point beforehand.

Come to think of it, I don’t even know the restaurant we’re going to. I kinda just trusted her judgment. 

Nothing about that girl’s reliable so that might’ve been a bad bet…

My tram finally stopped at Ekimae, making me get off.

5:06 PM. Twenty-four minutes early.

I took a deep breath in and out… in and out…

Ok, anxiety gone-

I headed to the meeting point, up the stairs, into the train station, and towards the west exit.

It was a short walk and it certainly felt that way. 

Frustrating that I’m annoyed by that…

Luckily, by the time I made it to the west exit, I’d fully quashed those unneeded feelings.

Anna wasn’t hanging around near the west exit inside the station, so I decided to go outside.

“Let's meet at the west exit,” hmm… actually, that could mean a lot of things.

I’d assumed it meant Anna was waiting for me but that wasn’t necessarily the case.

It could’ve just been a heads up before she even got there. Yeah, that makes sense, her punctuality’s pretty spotty anyways- always making stuff up about being “fashionably late” whenever she fails to arrive on time.

Yep, so it would really be for the best if I just waited inside-

-Oh, she’s right there.

Just as I stepped outside, I noticed a familiar blue in the corner of my eye. Turning to my left, I found Anna standing on the edge of the pavement, leaning her back against the station wall.

She didn’t notice me- her eyes seemed oddly fixated on something in front of her.

I tried following her eyes’ path, past the station’s parking lot, and to a… udon restaurant, Segawa Nishiekiten.

Oh, I guess that’s the one? That’s nice.

I walked up to her.

“Anna-san, hi. Is that the one w-”

“Shush, Kazuhiko-kun!”

For whatever reason, Anna placed her finger on my lips, shutting me up.

“-I’m thinking!”

… At least greet me back.

Anna withdrew her hand from me and continued zeroing in on the udon restaurant, ignoring me completely.

“…What’s there to think about? We’re eating there right,” I pointed to the place she was staring at, “let’s go-”

“-Nope. The one we’re going to is further away.”

‘Kay- more confused now.

“Then-”

“-To be honest Kazuhiko-kun, I’ve eaten at Segawa quite a bit and it’s good, big portions too. Plus it’s right there… hmm… and I’ve never eaten at the planned spot…it’s new… This is really a question for the ages, of grave importance…”

Anna began nibbling at her thumb.

Why is she taking this so seriously…? I swear I’ve never seen her this serious when she’s studying- it’s a struggle to keep her off her phone most of the time.

“Well, I don’t have a preference, so if you wa-”

“Nope, can’t. I actually made a reservation at the place we’re going to. I’d feel bad if we didn’t show up,” Anna stated matter-of-factly.

What’s the point of all that “thinking” if you’re gonna instantly shoot down that suggestion!?

First of all, why were you even considering- 

-you know what… it’s best I accept that I’ll never understand this girl. This makes my head hurt.

“Kazuhiko-kun, you’re thinking something really rude right now, aren’t you?”

Anna stood up from leaning against the wall. She faced me with her hands to her hips and an accusatory glare piercing into me.

I shrugged.

“Kinda?”

“At least deny it! Tsk … you’re…grr… I swear…”

Right back at you, whatever you were going to say. 

Imma just ignore the rest of her angry grumbling.

God, if you call this a date, I can’t deny it’s off to a very awful or very Anna-like start. I’m at least ten times more annoyed than I was five minutes ago.

I was sweating so hard before I got here too. What did I expect? Am I stupid?

With her it’s…

…I was a bit tempted to treat this as one of our usual outings.

I shouldn’t get comfortable though.

Once her anger subsided, Anna gruffly scanned me from head to toe.

“Well… at the very least… Thanks for dressing appropriately, Kazuhiko-kun. I know that’s hard for you.”

Could your compliments be a little less back-handed?

“…Y-you look good is what I’m saying,” she said timidly.

Ah-

-Anna’s voice was quiet and her eyes were now finding some interesting cars in the station parking lot- her gaze unmet from mine.

…This Anna-brand, clumsy kind of straightforwardness- I still didn’t think it suited her.

For some reason, I began scratching my head.

“Thanks, I guess… Anna-san, you look-”

“Hmm?”

Anna looked at me expectantly.

“-overdressed?”

“Hah?!”

That kinda just spilled out, but I mean… it was true:

Anna wore a striking, obsidian black turtle-neck sweater paired with an expensive looking crimson skirt that came down to her mid-thigh. Her legs suited black leggings and draped over her was a long yet thin coat- as white as the winter snow. Around her neck was a thin golden necklace- nicely contrasting with the color of her sweater.

She had even styled her hair for the occasion- somehow bundling up her disparate curls into a puffy, yet elegant ponytail that rested gently on her shoulder.

I’d never seen this outfit on her before, nor this hairstyle.

I’m not saying she didn’t look good… but we’re going to an udon place. I wasn’t expecting this level of attire- this might be the most well-dressed I’ve seen her.

“I don’t get it… is it a fancy restaurant or something?” I wondered aloud.

“No, it’s casual…”

Perhaps coming to a realization, Anna took a break from glaring at me to look down on what she was wearing.

Then, she pulled out a small hand-mirror from her purse and looked at her own reflection.

I hadn’t noticed it before, but she was also wearing makeup- a rarity for her.

It’s very subtle, but looking closely… I suppose light touches can improve a few things.

Well whatever, Anna’s still Anna at the end of the day.

The girl in front of me put away her mirror, done with her examination.

“…Kazuhiko-kun, you might be right on this one, but you should’ve phrased it better.”

That… that was actually true, probably.

“Yeah, sorry about th-”

“Besides-”

Anna, cutting me off, dramatically flicked her hair. Maybe she thought it looked cool or something? If so, it must’ve seemed very different to her.

“-A beauty like myself is bound to catch eyes anyways. No point fretting over such a thing.”

Her incredibly smug expression and voice were seriously irritating. Apology retracted.

Already feeling drained, I checked the time- 5:13.

“Do you want to head to the place now?”

“Eh? Lemme think…hmm, I guess we’ll be right on time if we walk.”

“How long?”

“Like 30 minutes.”

“Wait what? Is that even downtown anymore?”

Toyohashi wasn't a big city, a thirty minute walk from here could send you a good way to farmland.

Anna tilted her head a bit, rubbing her chin in thought.

“You go a bit west, then a bit south- it’s like on the edge of downtown I guess… I dunno, the restaurant advertised itself as downtown…but it’s only a bit closer to here than Yagyubashi station. I wasn’t super clear on the location when I suggested it…I only found out when I was reserving… uh- this morning.”

Sloppy planning as always… but I’d accepted it without question so I couldn’t complain. Aloud.

Yeah, I might actually be stupid…

“When’s the reservation?”

“5:45”

“Huh? What was your plan if we met up at 5:30?”

“Take the bus.”

“Doesn’t that mean there’s a better stop we could’ve met at? You could’ve called this morning.”

“Eh- I guess, but it’s not a huge difference-” 

I suppose that makes sense-

“-Plus it’s cooler to get picked up at a bigger station anyway.”

“So shallow…” I thought aloud.

“W-whatever! Let’s go, we’re just wasting time!”

Anna, agitated, stomped off, presumably towards the planned udon restaurant.

I shouldn’t have been, but I was slow to follow- just enough to create a too far gap between me and Anna.

Noticing my absence, Anna stopped and turned back towards me.

“Whatcha doing?! C’mon, Kazuhiko-kun, follow me!” she proclaimed haughtily and then continued walking without looking back.

…How much this doesn’t feel like a date calms my nerves a bit. It also helps that she still isn’t cute at all. 

I sighed at the mess I found myself in.

Somewhat reluctantly, I began following Anna as she led me to this evening’s plans.

I was just about caught up with her when I noticed her pace had slowed down. Her shoulders were more relaxed and she was unusually silent.

I guess she calmed down from before?

That’d be ideal… 

When I was close enough, I sneakily glanced at her side profile.

Immediately, I was struck with something surprising-

-A smile. 

Not like her usual easy-going one… or the bright one that popped up often… or even that rare gentle one that I admittedly didn’t mind…

…the one right now was much slighter- impeccably subtle. You probably wouldn’t notice at any kind of distance.

It was also shaky. The nervous tension in her lips and the frantic shifting of her eyes betrayed an uneasy balance. It probably wouldn’t take much for her face to drop.

Yet, still, Anna’s expression was also completely genuine. The smile’s curvature, shape, its everything- it was all oddly warm. Despite all set against it, despite how much it doubted itself, it remained.

In other words- despite how her nerves were getting to her, Anna was happy to be here, next to me.

…Shy- that’s the word I’m looking for- shy.

Right now, Anna’s shyly smiling not too far from me.

She feels barely a breath away…

…I pulled out my phone, making myself look away from her.

It really is disturbing how quickly her mood changes- it hurts my head to look at…

Plus, I can’t be caught staring. That- I... I need to think clearly tonight.

Since I had no new notifications, I just blankly stared at the time-

-5:21 PM by the way. 

This event had started more than nine minutes early because I’d rushed things…

This was the last time I would look at the time tonight with this particular feeling.

When I put my phone away, I realized the present. 

I’d thought the reality of it had already sunk in but I was wrong- 

-Right now felt different from anything before.

Everything looked so ordinary. The familiar streets of Toyohashi, the pale hue expected of late winter, and Anna walking beside me. All that was so painfully mundane.

Yet, because of the circumstances, this event was anything but. 

I knew that in my head but I couldn't quite bridge the gap from that undeniable fact and my perception.

Frankly, that distance was driving me crazy. It was as if my body was missing mass- oddly light in places where it shouldn't have been. A weight missing.

It was a strange feeling.

I gulped.

Embarrassing to say, but I allowed myself some more distance from Anna, slowing down my pace until I was a bit farther behind her- enough to not see her face.

We must’ve looked weird, walking like that, but Anna didn’t comment. I was thankful.

This is no way to act for the entire night- I know. But… I could be brave later…

…and this event started early anyways. 

“...Anna-san?”

“Yeah?”

Barely 5 minutes into our walk, I decided to start.

I-it wasn’t proper to do so at this time- I knew that. This is usually best saved for the walk back…

Yet, I was losing momentum and I wasn’t going to regain it if I let it peeter out.

“...”

Before I said anything, I noticed something obvious.

Anna was still walking ahead of me, as I’d let it be.

I contemplated catching up to her for this talk… it’s important after all, so I should look her in the eyes when I say it… but-

-I must’ve thought for too long because Anna looked back at me.

“Really, what’s up?” 

Then, like it was nothing, Anna slowed her pace until she was beside me.

She waited for my response, mildly puzzled.

I’d seen that expression before. It was normal. This felt normal.

Nothing new and uncomplicated was coming to me.

“…”

Anna raised an eyebrow.

“Are you gonna say something that’s too mean even for you, Kazuhiko-kun?”

“What?! No!?”

Why’s that the first thing you think!?

“Then say something!” Anna bit back.

“…Just…just…” My words failed to take shape.

Because of that, Anna’s glare didn’t falter. My stumbling was making her more mad, as you'd expect…

I broke eye-contact with her, turning my head to look straight ahead.

T-this girl… s-she isn’t getting the hint at all! And she gives me flak for the same thing… What a hypocrite. Tsk.

“Ka-” Anna started before she stopped herself. 

I heard nothing more.

-? No judgy insults?

I took a quick glance at her:

The annoyance on her face had disappeared. She now held a blank expression and looked straight ahead, not even at me. 

Also, her hands were clutching her purse string- a bit tightly.

What-how-oh…

Oh… she got the hint, I think. 

Great, I guess it sunk in.

I wanted to take a deep breath, but she’d noticed it. I didn’t want to make her more nervous than she already was.

Here I go…

“Anna-san…”

“…”

Urgh, her silence says a lot. The difference from before’s too stark…

Clueless, I took a shot in the dark:

“...R-remember the 1st-year orientation? This year, in April?”

I barely knew what I was trying to do. 

Anna was appropriately confused.

“Uh, yeah? What about it…?”

Who knows…?

“It-uh it started out pretty good didn’t it?”

My words felt so superficial, yet, I continued:

“My speech went over fine and even though Chika stumbled over her words a bit, she got through her's pretty well, right…?”

Like me, Anna grew increasingly confused.

“Yeah, I was there…Wait.”

Anna crossed her arms.

“Are you trying to make me admit fault for that incident? Not happening!”

With a definite “hmph,” she shot a glare at me.

No? Gosh, who would actually be that petty… projection much? Also, crap- I need to get this back on track.

“No, but-”

Anna, expression brighter now, interrupted me:

“-So you finally admit that that unfortunate episode was none of my-”

She kinda pissed me off.

“-No to that too. That car crash of a presentation was definitely your fault,” I stated matter-of-factly. 

Your historical revisionism ends here woman.

“Hey hey! I got the confetti poppers approved by Tiara-chan! It’s not my fault that they um…uh…”

Anna stumbled over the rest of her words. Doubtless painful memories returning.

I sighed… never heard that one before… 

“You know who you didn’t tell? Me, the club president. Or Chika, the vice…”

“Y-you two are no fun, so you would’ve just said no… It was for the club- I wanted it to be a surprise, ok?”

It was a surprise alright. The small fire was especially shocking.

“It would’ve gone perfectly if you hadn’t freaked out so much…and if those things didn’t…”

Anna’s pitiful song and dance continued.

“Where did you even get those anyway?”

“Chihaya-chan…”

Ah, of course, how could I forget? Only she would make experimental poppers with “alternative” propellants…Wait, did she ever get in any trouble for that? I don’t remember…

“Couldn’t you tell by the size that they were a bad idea… and from the fact you got them from Chihaya-san?”

“Tiara-chan said yes…”

This again.

“You know how she is when you ask her nicely. You could probably convince her to bungee jump without a rope if you tried hard enough.”

Anna opened her mouth to contest that point, but decided against it. 

“...Sure, me and Lemon-chan had some doubts…but we needed to make an impact, ok! Impact!”

“You were successful on that front, the crowd certainly had a big reaction…it's a wonder we weren’t disbanded. The amount of apologizing we had to do…”

Come to think of it, most 1st years still think we’re complete weirdos. Not that I blame them.

“Urgh… Hey! I-uh paid for everyone when we ate out afterwards! There, redemption!” 

I remember that… most depressing dinner ever. A half dozen highschoolers at a table mindlessly shoving food into their mouths… I only remembered it because Anna complained about being broke for a good three months.

“So you admit it was your fault?”

“ Grr… ”

I mean, it wasn’t completely. Group effort, I would say. Victims being me and Chika. Why did Riko egg the two idiots on…?

“ Mou …why did you have to bring this up…” Anna muttered.

I’d rather not say. It’s embarrassing.

After that, a grumbling silence fell between us.

I then recalled what my original intent was:

Crap- I pretty much forgot- And this-uh, this is not going well. 

I have to think of something…

…Catching my attention, however, was the sight of Anna’s shifted expression. Changed from that ordinary frown to a suddenly contemplative look, as if she’d just realized something while I hadn’t been looking. Before I could say anything, her words came:

“…That really was ten months ago. Huh?”

?

“Uh-yeah? In April.”

I’m pretty sure we established that at the start of this conversation. What’s she on about?

Anna saw my question.

“Ah-just… it feels like this year went by pretty quickly.”

“… That’s just how it is, isn’t it? Every school year feels like it was too short?”

Anna shook her head, gently and thoughtfully.

“I disagree. When you pack enough events in a short period of time, it’ll feel like it was longer than it was.”

She brushed some of her hair back. 

“You’ll look back and think “wah, all that really happened in a year? That felt like a decade!” It’s a good feeling to have, I think.” Her posture eased. “Our 1st and 2nd years, they're like that.”

 “Really?”

“Yep- so much there. I have trouble remembering it all, but… heh-”

Anna smiled awkwardly.

“-I certainly felt enough emotions for several lifetimes.” 

…I don’t really know what that means- it’s too vague. 

But looking back, I think Anna’s right in a way. My first year alone- I have more memories from then than my entire middle school career. And not just because of recency either. If I try to remember everything that happened…those months feel oddly long. Same for my 2nd year- so much happened… 

As for if it’s a good feeling… I guess she’s right about that too. I’ll concede that much, even if I won’t say it out loud.

At this point me and Anna had again fallen into silence- this time a comfortable one. 

I imagined Anna was reminiscing, just as I was. She almost certainly saw the past differently than me but somehow, I knew we agreed on some general points at least… 

It was nice, knowing that- a rare in-sync moment for us.

If things stay like this- if I get to walk in peace, with Anna, for the rest of the way- I'll be happy. I can honestly forget everything else...

That hope crumbled when I noticed Anna’s smile had started to falter, just a bit. 

“...Doesn’t happen when you fall into too much of a routine though,” she said finally.

“...Like this year?”

“Hmm, yeah, everything up to summer break was fun, then it’s been-”

Anna’s mood abruptly dropped and shattered into a million pieces.

“-Study study study study study study study study study study study study study study-”

I soon realized she was crashing out.

“Yeah, I get t-”

“--Study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study study-”

I think she broke her stress valve.

“-studdyyy…Argh, that time’s a real blur, Kazuhiko-kun. Maybe 'cept for the school festival, I feel like I didn't do anything fun with anyone…”

Her empty eyes bore into me.

“I should’ve just applied to private schools…”

I didn’t like the implications of that. It’s not my fault…

“Now we have only this week of high school left…”  

She said it like it just hit her.

Oh no, I can sense that she’s gonna get even more mopey…her shoulders are already dropping… I’m not prepared for this, someone please help m-

Anna sighed deeply.

“…Ah well- it’s too bad.”

She straightened up, stretched out her arms, and smiled in a somber, yet still cheerful way.  

“Might as well try to enjoy what’s left, I guess.”

“…You’re okay? With that?”

“What’s with that tone? So skeptical…”

The girl next to me shrugged gruffly.

 “…Eh- not really. But a lot’s gonna change after Friday, Kazuhiko-kun. Best be ahead of the curve… bleh, maybe I’m not ok with it.”

She said that, but her pace didn’t slow down one bit.

We eventually stopped at an intersection. Though there weren't any cars, a red pedestrian light stopped us.

Not being considerate at all, the light soon changed colors.

Because of that, Anna moved forward, making me follow her.

When we inevitably reached the other side, I realized something.

Anna’s words, her wry yet accepting smile, how casually she was taking this- it all deeply offended me. Way, way too much.

“Anna-san.”

“Hmm?”

“I think you’re wrong.”

Anna stopped in her tracks. Her deep blue eyes turned to me, wide from my out-of-nowhere statement. 

I sensed a mistake but couldn’t refrain:

“Ah, about- like- after friday, the graduation ceremony… I just don't think that much will change-”

This wasn’t to cheer her up. 

“-Spring break’s right after. That’s plenty of time to spend time with everyone like we’ve always had… Plus there’s a good deal to look forward to- Chika’s birthday’s next Wednesday and the sakura are gonna bloom later in the month, and uh… After that-”

Frankly, I didn’t want to think about why I was doing this.

“-Sure, a lot of our friends are moving out of the region for uni- but it’s not like they can’t visit on break and we’ll keep in touch with them- so that can’t be- I mean, it shouldn’t be that-”

I looked away from Anna.

“-so there’s no need to… worry…”

It’s nonsense. I know that.

“Uh, eh…that makes sense, I guess…” Anna’s voice sounded skeptical.

I heard her step closer to me.

“Kazuhiko-kun, are you…are you okay?”

She was unsure, I could tell that. And when I looked at her face I confirmed it. She was smiling, but had an eyebrow slightly raised in confusion.

Realizing how weird I was being, I stepped back in embarrassment. 

“Sorry, I’m rambling…[sigh] I’m perfectly fine. Let’s go, Anna-san.”

I’m a mess today. I need to get a grip.

Trying to do just that, I began moving again, quickly walking past Anna.

That blue-haired girl quickly caught up to me.

“Hey, Kazuhiko-kun, it’s okay not to be-”

“Huh?”

“-fine, I mean.”

Wha-ohhh, this girl didn’t believe me.

“It’s really nothing.”

“Is it?” she pushed.

“Yep,” I replied curtly. 

“[sigh] You don’t want to talk about it…I see that. Well, let’s save it; Anna-chan will gently badger you later.”

“I said-” I cut myself off.

I’m not even going to bother, she can think what she wants. She isn’t letting this go… how patronizing… I hope she just forgets this ever happened. She isn’t joking about the “gently badger” thing- whatever that means.

“By the way, Kazuhiko-kun, about earlier…”

“Yeah?” I muttered tiredly.

 “Y’know… what were you trying to get to with the orientation stuff?”

Ah.

“It better not have been just to make fun of me…”

“It wasn’t.”

That was more of an unintended bonus.

“Then…” Anna urged me to answer.  

Fine… time to get back on track I guess. I let it derail way too many times…

…

…It was a tough pill to swallow, realizing what I'd been trying to do. 

Well ok, it was just plain humiliating.

If I thought about that method, if I could even call it that, for more than a second I would conclude that nothing would come of it.

But… what I wanted had occurred before- an overwhelming answer from a rut of doubt. It wasn’t rational, but that's what had happened, time and time again.

I can accomplish something similar now- yeah, I have to try, that's it. I have it in me. 

…I really still believed in that, but I had to admit- I’d been cowardly earlier.

Bringing up something that didn't have to do with anything, I‘d been dancing around the issue. Even in my already flimsy framework, I still managed to be irreparably weak. 

My gaze turned to Anna- incredulous look on her face, impatiently waiting for my reply. 

She probably wasn’t expecting much at this point. She must've second-guessed her previous, correct assumption.

…Again, nothing clear was coming to me. My thoughts on her remained completely jumbled. 

I really must’ve rushed things… 

As for what I felt towards her most immediately… It was mostly just frustration.

Too different from earlier, when I saw-I…this is why I can’t trust myself…

“I guess… Like, after the orientation, I guess… I, you…”

I was surprised that my lips were moving. What was I trying to salvage here?

I remembered the time I was trying to describe very clearly. Embarrassing in the moment, somewhat fun to look back on- like most of my memories with her. It was nothing that could’ve helped me now- nothing definitive.

Bad pick, bad pick… Pick something else…

My heart was now racing, a million things eating away at me. 

I desperately wanted clarity, some assuredness, but right now, I wasn’t close to anything like that. To my eyes, any possible future seemed far too flimsy. 

It’d either end up being something unbelievably painful…   

Just give me like 2- no three months, wait, is even three months too little?

…Or it’d end up being something with a high chance of failure:

Listen carefully, Nukumizu-kun. I heard that 70% of high school couples break up within six months of dating. [Writer’s note: this line is from the Pingas translation]

Neither was particularly appealing to me. They both seemed to hold the chance to ruin everything.

A path without any ruinous possibilities where I wouldn’t regret anything- that’s what I wanted. If I failed to find such a thing, I’d rather just… just…

…      

…I have to stop ruminating so much. I mean, I wasn’t at a point where I could even think clearly-

Too swayed by a desire to not see her sad… or maybe too swayed by an overcorrection of… At this point, I didn’t even know which was influencing me more. The moment I leaned on one side I started thinking it was the other- back and forth, back and forth, like messy clockwork…

“Kazuhiko-kun?”

I mean, the timing was also weighing on me- whether I liked it or not. 

End of high school's prime time to drift apart. If something happened now… If I think like that, I guess I’d- but at the same time… I can't want something for that reason…and I doubt Anna would accept it. Frustratingly, the latter reason was what was giving me the most pause…

“Kazuhiko-kun.”

…I realized I was dipping my toes in useless thoughts. I shouldn’t do that- there’s no way something could come out of such lousy… whatevers… I’ll just end up more confused.

Best to swat those away- I shouldn’t have entertained them in the first place. I'm not going to get through this with that kind of nonsense… the course I was on before, that was the best. Surely I’d be able to-

“Hey.”

From behind, Anna pulled on my shoulder. Hard. 

Enough so that I had to stop myself from tripping.

…I was shocked.

The last time I checked, my eyes were on Anna- I didn’t remember that changing and I certainly didn’t remember being ahead of her, as I was now. 

I must’ve completely lost track of my surroundings…

The hand on my shoulder tugged me. Reluctantly, I turned to face Anna.  

 She was frowning, but as before, she didn’t seem different to me.

The makeup, the clothes I hadn’t seen before today, how she had styled her deep blue curls, none of it mattered. I still saw the same Anna that drove me up the wall- both because of her actions and because I didn't know how to think about her.

“Mmh.”

With that weird grunt, Anna flicked her head- gesturing to across the street.

I looked over to find a two-story building- it was clearly a new building, given its size, but some effort was taken to give an old-timey, Taisho-Era feel: A wooden facade, sliding doors, and a sign written in stylized Kanji. 

Anna let go of my shoulder.

“This is the place,” she said simply. 

Ah-

“I-”

I felt like I should say something…it was a bad instinct… And I was unable to anyway. Whatever words I thought up got caught in my throat.

The sweat on my back- I felt it more than ever.

Anna breathed a heavy sigh at my sorry state. Then, unexpectedly, an oddly playful grin appeared on her face.

“Your treat right?”

Huh?

Once again, Anna chose to disorient me. 

“...Um, yeah,” I answered timidly.

“Then you don’t mind if I make today a cheat day, Kazuhiko-kun?” she asked smugly. 

I blinked. Heavily.

My nervousness wasn’t gone… but I knew what to say to that.

“...Anna-san. You ate four bentos Saturday.”

My voice was dry.

“Um- yeah?” she said it like it’d been nothing to her. Which it wasn’t, I suppose.

“Then you ate thirteen pieces of mochi yesterday.”

“Hmm? Yeah… your point is?”

Anna crossed her arms, growing more defensive.

“Are you going to make everyday a cheat day?”

Her shoulders quickly drooped at my question. This moment of clarity was fleeting however, as Anna quickly recovered- ever resolute to crawl back into the dark cave of ignorance. She looked at me with bitter, absolute determination.

“Umm- like, well- Do you mind if I do?!” she blurted quickly.

What the heck? What a weak retort- I’m disappointed.

After a quick sigh, I decided to answer her honestly-

“No, but-”

“We’re all good then, let’s go!”

Rapidly rotating her entire frame- Anna began stomping her way across the street to the udon restaurant. Ridiculous- 

-This time, I was quick to follow her. Almost too quick.

Underneath it all, doubt still churned within me. 

…I didn’t like it. The more it went on, the more I felt like I would do nothing.

A counter force, the desire to just blurt out something, grew. What that something would be- I didn’t know. 

My feelings were like a spin wheel in motion. Spinning too quickly to guess what the results could be. All outcomes just seemed to blur into one giant mess.

I really did hate that.

Just as Anna put her hand on the door handle, I opened my mouth, just slightly.

Nothing came out.

I had deliberately stopped myself.

A-afterall- nothing about this was right. This scene wasn’t ready to be anything- either happy or sad. If I tried anything now- it would just be a forgettable mess. Before… I’d just been impatient. I have to remember, if I screw up… I could risk breaking everything.

And I really don’t want any regrets.

Anna entered the restaurant and I reluctantly followed her in.

“ Irasshaimase !”

Immediately upon entering, we were greeted by a restaurant worker. Looking past her, the building's interior matched its exterior- clearly new and quite big, but dressed up in the appearance of an old-fashioned udon restaurant. 

It was also quite empty, with barely any patrons sitting at the booths or the tables. I guess Anna’s reservation was unnecessary.

…Why am I suddenly feeling a sense of dr-  

Anna rushed up to the employee and whispered something in her ear. The worker smiled- pretty eerily in my opinion. 

“Please follow me.” 

She led me and Anna to a small set of stairs- which I’d previously missed. 

Walking up the stairs, we arrived at a door that opened to the restaurant’s second floor.

The space was small- a room more resembling a hallway, just about fitting a row of two-person tables and a thin area that let you move alongside them. Typically an overflow area and…

…and it was also completely empty- the only customers in here would be just me and Anna… Great…

The restaurant employee gestured to a table.

“Please sit here. Someone will come to take your order shortly.”

“Thank you!”

“T-thanks…”

 Anna and I took our seats. My nerves noticed how the room seemed more cramped with just Anna in front of me.

It really is just the two of us here. It's bad that that fact’s hitting me hard right?

I also noticed that I’d been avoiding looking at Anna- my eyes fixed downwards on my sweaty hands.  

I adjusted my gaze, slightly- Anna just barely came into view. Of course, she had taken to one of the menus that’d been lying on the table, acting normally. 

“Hey, Kazuhiko-kun, whatcha getting?” she asked, not even looking up.

“...Just plain udon- I guess. Normal size.” 

A displeased glare perked up at me.

“Eh- really? Come on, we’re here to celebrate the end of uni exams- be more creative! Creative!” she demanded, proceeding to scan through her menu with vigor. Why are you so pushy about this…?

Sighing, I grabbed a menu and began flipping through it. Nothing was catching my eye- I found it hard to focus.

 “How did it go by the way?” Anna asked suddenly.

“What?”  

“Hmm? What else? Aichi’s entrance exams.”

Ah.

At her question- I felt a twitch in my legs and arms- an anxiety returned.

“Fine. It- it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Really… why’s that?” 

Anna’s tone was skeptical. How annoying.

“…It’s not like I was ever gonna go there.” 

“Huh,” Anna looked up from her menu, perhaps realizing something. “Aichi’s the one next to Tsuwabuki, right?”

 “...Yeah, you bike past it a lot.”

“Feel like I should’ve noticed it at some point then, never did…” out of nowhere, a particular expression, laced with mischief, came across Anna. “Kinda seems like the school you’d go to though.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I really didn’t like the smirk on her face.  

“You like your routines right, Kazuhiko-kun? I thought you’d appreciate a place where the commute’s basically the same as Tsuwabuki. If Nagoya doesn’t work out- can’t see why you wouldn’t… I’m sure Imouto-chan would appreciate it if you stayed close- you two could even keep your commute together.”

You think I don’t know that…

Anna sheepishly avoided eye contact as she talked- probably noticing my growing grimace. If she was trying to get a rise out of me- and she was- she was succeeding.

“Really, Kazuhiko-kun, seems nice…” she teased ruthlessly.

I felt my right eye twitch.

“Given all that, why didn’t you…” I muttered bitterly before stopping.

That would’ve been too harsh. At the time, I’d been too embarrassed to raise the issue. Everything Anna was bringing up, she was figuring out now… the dope.  

“What was that?”

“...Nothing.”

Anna frowned. 

“You’re muttering a lot lately, Kazuhiko-kun.”

Huh, I really have become too reckless. Or too tired not to be. 

“Imagining things,” I stated dismissively.

“Bleh.”

With a heavy sigh, Anna dramatically leaned all the way back against her chair. Like a petulant child, she was making her displeasure known to the world. Ergh…

Ignoring her, I refocused on the menu. Wasn’t the waiter taking too long? They couldn’t have forgotten about us right…?

Whatever, I can wait. By the way, screw whatever Anna says- I’m just getting plain, ordinarily portioned udon. Not in the mood for anything else. 

“…Hey, Kazuhiko-kun?” asked Anna, her previously teasing tone replaced with some doubt.

Still miffed, I didn’t bother to look up at her.

“Mhm?” I grumbled.

 “I um- I forgot to mention it earlier… but Meiai sent me an acceptance this morning.”

This peaked my attention a tiny bit. Too tempted, my eyes flicked up at Anna for a split second.

It was enough to catch that she was now sitting up straight, looking at me, her face was now clouded by nervousness. 

…Meiai Academy- one of three universities we’d both applied to. 

“Congratulations,” I kept my tone and response as dry as possible. My words weren't going to betray my emotions. Whatever they might be.

I couldn’t see it, but I had a feeling Anna was frowning. Not a big one, just mild disappointed.

She still went on: 

“What about you? Didja hear back from Meiai?”

“No.”

“They’re taking their time huh… Nervous?”

I shrugged. 

“I felt good about the entrance exams. Plus, Koto-senpai got into that school, so it’s probably a shoo-in.”  

“Bleh- that’s rude, Kazuhiko-kun, learn some manners,” Anna said before contemplating, “but not untrue, I guess.”

How fast you conceded that point is rude. 

“...So are you even considering it? Meiai, I mean.”

Anna’s innocent question carried a weight I didn’t fail to notice. Failed at hiding it I see. Her endeavors at being considerate still had a ways to go. 

“Sure, I guess.”

I kept my response simple and casual, ignoring any gravity to the situation. Any more than that would’ve made things too awkward… 

How repetitive…

Anna smiled. At least, I’m pretty sure she did, I didn’t look up at her.

“That’s good to know,” she said, her familiar cheerfulness now freely exuding from her words. Underneath the table, her feet lightly kicked up and down with glee.

Jeez, bet she thinks I don’t notice… 

…I sighed a bit, closed my menu, and put it aside. Resting my chin on my hand, I looked up at Anna.

Now, looking clearly at the girl in front of me, she seemed dangerously close to cloud nine. Her smile was as wide as ever, and her demeanor, her body’s subtle swaying, it all exuded happy cheer. And worse, it was spreading… 

Our conversation from before hadn’t been much. It’d danced around too much, leaving things far too bare. What you could’ve gleaned from it was fuzzy at best- not good at all when a good deal of wishful thinking was inevitable… That went for me as well as her- I could be completely wrong about her…

…My face sunk deeper into my palm. 

Only time would really tell and that was persistently frustrating.

…Still, even though I didn’t get swept up as easily as Anna, my heart was undeniably lighter than before. 

It made it easier to think, so just this once, I allowed it. 

“Hey, the waitstaff sure are taking long,” Anna noticed, turning to look at the door behind her.

“Hmm? Yeah, it's weird, there wasn't many other customers.”

It’s been well over ten minutes. Did a bunch of people come in right after us? Str-

-Right on cue, the door to this 2nd floor area swung open. It was a waitress.

“Sorry for the wait- can I take your order?” she asked.

“Uh- sure,” I sputtered.

Suspicious… or maybe just good timing?

Me and Anna told the waitress our respective orders. I ignored Anna’s judging look as I picked out the plainest possible order of udon. Her’s was a large loaded with a half-dozen additions, by the way. 

“Thank you. Your order should come shortly.”

With that, the waitress walked away. 

Just before she closed the door, however, she gave me a thumbs-up.

Oh, I see. 

I’m lucky Anna didn’t see that….Is the entire world making that assumption?

If so, it’s got the wro- um, well, I guess- like…um… argh… 

…I looked at Anna, sitting across from me. She was on her phone, without a care in the world.

We’ll just have to see how much of a wrong idea it is.

“...Anna-san, could we talk about something? It’s important.”

“Huh?” She paused for a vital second. “Uh, sure!”

She hurriedly put away her phone. Her panic was apparent and spreading quickly…

“Wha-What’s up with you now, Kazuhiko-kun?” she asked, sitting too straight, too rigidly for her.

“…” 

Right. What do I actually say? I’m still unsur-

-No, no, let’s not think like that. 

I know what that leads to…what that’s led to up to now. My embarrassing attempt during the walk here’s proof of that.

…Just act like how you should, Kazuhiko.

With the pressure of Anna’s nervous and expectant stare on me, I tried just that. It won’t make for much of a climatic scene but…

“…When we met… in our first year, after finals. Do you remember that?”

God, of course she does… Also, I really must be in a nostalgic mood lately- maybe because of the graduation. 

B-but still, if I’m going to find something worthwhile, it’s probably going to be there.

After a slow second, the blue-curled girl across from me replied:

“Ah- eh, I guess so…?” 

How her words trailed off, that wasn’t normal. If she was having trouble with her words, I must've caught her full attention- for better or for worse.

“... Yeah… To be honest, I kinda just… really wanted to leave that situation as soon as possible…”

No reaction from Anna.

“Even offering to pay for your meal- at first I tried to just slip past you, but I guess I felt too bad… Almost instantly regretted that when you started unloading uh-everything on me though…”

Again no reaction from Anna. Her blank expression hadn’t changed. What I was describing must’ve been an embarrassing memory for her- I probably shouldn’t have brought it up- but I kept going.

“...T-then there was that debt thing- Your solution’s still confusing to me. Such a weird way for you to pay someone back. Can’t believe that’s how we got mixed up with each other… then the messes only kept going from there-”

That period, spanning less than two weeks. Regardless of how I’d felt at the time, I fondly recalled those memories. 

“-the club, which you joined to get out of a barbecue, then it just seemed like everyone around us were tripping over their own issues for a while- first with Lemon , Mitsuki-kun, and Chihya-san then with Chika, Koto-senpai, Shintaro-senpai… then us too, I guess, kinda. I-I’m still sorry about that.”

Too slow… was I just going to recite everything that happened up to now? I need to stop stalling.

Quietly, I took in a quick gulp.

“Then… for whatever reason- I guess it was just the circumstances- I- uh… For the next two or so years, we remained by each other. P-pretty much all the time…”

I almost missed it but Anna’s blue eyes widened by the tiniest margin. The urge to look away from her came up, but I pushed it aside.

“...I guess it wasn’t really all the time. We were pretty distant at points weren’t we? I honestly had no idea what you were doing or thinking a lot of the time. That hasn’t changed much, has it? Heh heh…” my forced, weak chuckle died alone. The following awkward silence was too much to bear, so I took the moment to clear my throat. 

“[cough] But more or less… and definitely more than I was expecting- we found ourselves close to each other… I didn’t know why at first. I assumed it was just a fluke that had nothing to do with me or you… Ah- I know that that doesn’t make sense-  Like, it-uh, it’s embarrassing to admit- but for a while I had it in my head that we’d drift apart if you ever found a-”

I realized that that would’ve been in poor taste. Best drop it. 

“[clears throat] But I… I convinced myself out of that eventually.”

 The moment I’d done that… I remembered as an unambiguously happy memory. Having found it again, I clung onto that warm feeling as I continued.

“…Still, I’m not going to lie- I really didn’t get why I was next to you.”

I was about to be very rude, probably. I’ll try my best not to get slapped.  

“Frankly, us hanging out was kind of a mess most of the time. You’d randomly get hit with these weird fixations or get swept up in something that didn’t concern you, then you’d get me involved. So many times, you’d drag me into a direction I didn’t expect or want. I’d never really understood why you did that and you never understood why I'd be reluctant- which typically led to an argument that was never, ever resolved [sigh].” 

I collected myself before going forward:

“Really, every time that happened, it really did drive me crazy.  Even trying to passively accept it never really helped. Actually… yeah no, that definitely made it worse. You really did make me more annoyed, mad, and confused than anyone or anything before… I’m only talking from my perspective, but I’m sure you felt the same way- sort of. Some of what I did seemed to drive you insane, though I never figured out why… We’re-uh we’re pretty bad at dealing with each other huh?”     

I lightly chuckled to myself, genuine this time, remembering what some of our misunderstandings led to. 

Again, Anna had no reaction, her unusually calm, measured, and patient expression didn’t change. Though a bit intimidating, it didn’t bother me too much this time. I knew I was being more than a little long winded, but it felt like I’d finally found my footing. 

On my face, I felt a subtle smile forming. 

“But, end of the day I guess… We still managed to end up at this restaurant in one piece. I guess that means the past two years and seven months weren’t too bad after all, huh?”

At that ambiguous line, Anna’s impeccably still veneer wavered a bit- specifically, her cheeks got several shades pinker. Seeing that, my heart thumped even louder- the noise becoming almost deafening. Nonetheless, my urge to keep going hadn’t faltered one bit- everything felt like it was falling in place:

This, this would finally be a satisfactory conclusion. No matter what idiotic doubts I once had.

“Anna-san, I-”

As Anna tensed up even more, waiting for my overdue response, I thought back to my everything with her:

I thought about the countless little things. All the annoyances, all the pointless conversations, the frequent, pointless disputes we would have- the little distortions caused by my near constant friction with this chaotic, blue-haired girl. Those things that had grown to populate my daily life. 

My head then waltzed into those rarer, dramatic moments. Maybe I shouldn’t think of them like that… so many were farcical. But even so, they stuck out like a sore thumb in my memories. When I would look back on them, sometimes I would laugh, sometimes remember to get angry at someone, sometimes want to rip my hair out, and sometimes just reminisce. That last bit was reserved for the sporadic moments of understanding, when me and her were simply reliable to each other… 

The whole of those memories, they all added up to something. I felt like I could grasp it soon. 

In my heart, what I truly felt for the gluttonous, chaotic, so often selfish girl in front of me was… 

was…

…

…

…was…Huh?

“-I…I-” I stammered.

Huh?

“-I…it-” I stammered again.

Huh?

“It…it…” then again.

…

“…”  then I said nothing. I felt my previous slight smile trip and falter into nothing…

…My words to Anna failed to take shape. The clear, unambiguous sentiment that should’ve been there, that should’ve materialized, was missing... 

Or, more bluntly put, I had no idea what to say. Nothing I could’ve said, I would’ve been sure of. 

In the end, I’d failed to grasp anything.

…Wh-what was I doing again? What was I planning here?

What was I going to say?

I was-

I-

I guess…

…Come to think of it… I really have no idea… 

…This is as far as my recklessness will take me.

What confidence I had evaporated soon after that thought. 

I was rudely booted from my own head, having been cowardly held up there, and the world projected onto my senses suddenly seemed too real.

I intimately felt the uncomfortably high humidity of the narrow room I found myself in.

The shiny gleam of the laminated, wood-textured table beneath my eyes became irritatingly apparent. 

Every hair in my body, I felt as each one felt the hot air around it or brushed against layers of slightly moist fabric. 

And most of all… and in spite of my efforts, I noticed too much about the girl in front of me.

…Her navy-blue eyes and abundant locks were as deeply vibrant as ever and her face remained a reddish pink. It provided for a nice view… but in addition, as a result of my floundering, uncertainty had come over her as well. Her brow had dropped ever so slightly, signaling doubt, her mouth was slightly opened, indecisive on whether to say anything, and her posture had changed- not becoming relaxed but rather oddly and subtly limp.   

Seconds later, Anna blinked in confusion and that was apparently too much for me. My eyes quickly dropped, falling on my hands, clumsily interlocked together on my lap- my thumbs awkwardly twiddling. 

“Kazuhiko-kun…um, you were saying?”

Anna’s voice almost made me jump in fear. It carried no anger or disappointment, just confusion, but… 

…I really don’t want to talk to her right now. 

I’d thought this time was different from the walk here. Apparently, that was completely wrong. I was still just as clueless.

Nothing had changed.

“…Yeah, I guess-”

Because of that, like before, I uselessly continued, responding to Anna. Almost everything in me told me to stop, but a too strong part of my ego wouldn’t give in.  

“-W-hen, uh- when we first met-”

What? No. I already mentioned that. 

And it was useless…Our current relationship wasn’t defined by that at all.

“Ye-” 

“-Actually no, um- a bit after, at Lemon’s…grandma’s house- at night we, you-” I sputtered.

No, no no. That doesn’t work either. If that had an effect on-uh, the current issue, it was too vague…

 “-Festival! Yeah that time- uh with- the play- no-no at the club exhi- exhibit, the night before-uh- like, maybe at the zoo- no the restaurant y’know like the one next to- sorry, uh, maybe back to the-”

“-Woah, woah Kazuhiko-kun, slow dow-”

Anna said something but I barely heard it. My mind was as jumbled as my words. Jumping from one place to the next, trying to find an easy answer. Useless, useless, useless.

“-Actually- scratch all that. Uh- at the town hall- I think it was just a bit aft- yeah, my birthday. The scarf, Ti- you grabbed it and then the pen… I- ah, nevermind-” 

Though I kept going, I realized I was running out of breath. This was so tiring… 

That single moment of clarity I was looking for… if I had to guess, it didn’t actually exist. 

A moment where I firmly realized how I felt about her- the concept didn’t seem familiar to me. 

If I had had something that convenient, I wouldn’t have told her to wait all those months ago.

So what I was doing now- it was just desperate, useless flailing. A part of me was lucid enough to recognize that- but I continued spitting out words, picking up and then dropping memories like I was running out of time. I wasn’t looking up at Anna’s face or listening to what she was saying- she probably couldn’t get a word in anyway. 

Digging my hole deeper while trying to jump out- that’s the best way I can describe it. 

…Wait, even if I happen to give her an answer, would she even believe it at this point? She’ll tell me that she accepts it, but really, she’ll just be left with all kinds of doubt.

And I can’t blame her for that. My behaviour tonight hasn’t been any kind of trustworthy…

…It really might be best to drop all this for now.

Maybe I’ll try later- when I’m absolutely sure… when I remember something important… Yeah, that’s the best course of action for sure.

“It-” I stopped talking. I didn’t know what point I was on and I couldn't see what face Anna was making. Neither was important, I just needed a moment to collect myself. 

“-N-nevermind. Everything I said- it was nothing- forget I-”

-!

Before I could finish, I suddenly felt something on my right shoulder. 

It was Anna’s hand. The second occasion today- however, unlike before, this time felt gentle. A calm, reassuring presence. Even with the layers I was wearing, I intimately felt the warmth of her palm.

Irritatingly, that warmth calmed me down. 

“Kazuhiko-kun,” I heard Anna state, rather firmly.

I didn’t want to but eventually, I followed her hand up to meet Anna’s eyes.

She’d gotten up from her seat. Now, she was standing next to me, hand on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed any of her movements…I’ve been doing that a lot lately…

…Her expression was odd. Not what I was expecting at all. A slight frown, eyes slightly displeased. 

Unexpectedly, with her free hand, Anna held up her pointer like she was correcting someone.

“Um- what you said on saturday…at Nagoya… I’ll hear out whatever nonsense you have to say - yeah that! Do you remember?” 

…Did I say that? If so- no, I don’t remember.

I was about to shake my head, but Anna didn’t wait for my response:

“Well, that’s a rude thing to say, Kazuhiko-kun! Especially to a girl- never say it ever again!”

“I-”

“Ever again!” Anna demanded.

“Um, uh…ok?” 

Did I really say that? I might’ve actually… But where the hell is she going with this? Is she just mad? This isn’t her at peak anger… 

“Good,” Anna said, quite satisfied with herself. Then, quickly, she broke eye-contact with me, all the sudden finding the ground beside her to be very interesting.

“B-but if you really meant it… I guess it goes both ways too.” 

“What?”

“Ah-ep- [sigh].”

Anna floundered a bit before looking at me again.

She sighed wryly… and then grinned.

A toothy, mischievous, and unserious grin- a bit cynical too- so fitting of the girl who donned it. I’d seen it many times before- typically the second before she did something stupid… or when she was trying to act tough…

“I’m saying I’ll hear out whatever nonsense you have to say, Kazuhiko-kun. Just try to go slow this time, ‘kay?”

I blinked, several times, blankly. Anna’s words took a while to sink in.

During that time, she continued to stand next to me, her hand still on my shoulder. I felt as if she were to remove it, I’d completely keel over, even though that was just nonsense…

…Y-you just repeated what you called rude. Inconsistent much-

-I tossed that useless thought away. 

That was just a poor deflection of mine, one of many.  

If I’m being completely honest… I appreciate Anna more than anyone else right now. I should really give her more credit- she’s gotten better at being considerate. 

A lot better… e-even though I still think it doesn’t suit her…

…it’s nice. I want to enjoy this more. 

I glanced at Anna’s small hand, still gently resting on my shoulder.

It really is warm… and I know that it’s also soft. 

Almost absentmindedly, I reached for it-

Listen carefully, Nukumizu-kun. I heard that 70% of high school couples break up within six months of dating. [Writer’s note: this line is from the Pingas translation]

-Realizing I was just getting swept up in the moment, I instead grabbed Anna’s wrist. Immediately after, I felt her flinch in surprise- 

-Even holding just a part of her, Anna felt more delicate than I’d been expecting.

…Despite that, slowly, I made myself peel her small, comforting presence away from me.

Once Anna’s hand was off my shoulder, I let go of her wrist. Then, I felt myself withdrawing from her as much as possible-

I put my eyes on anything that wasn’t her- ultimately choosing the wall next to me, away from Anna. I must’ve looked pathetic, but I didn't care. 

I really, really don’t want to see her face right now.

For a while, I didn’t say anything, Anna didn’t say anything, and I didn’t hear any movement from her. The barely occupied 2nd floor stood utterly still.

“…I told you. It’s nothing. Really,” I eventually said, more to fill the silence than anything.

Soon after, I heard Anna sit back down. Of course, I kept my eyes off of her at all times- mostly staring down at the small sliver of table in front of me. 

Though, however much I wanted to deny it, Anna was once again across from me.

…Please don’t push this point. Please don’t push this point. Please don’t push this-

“Ka-”

I sprang up from my seat- so loudly and abruptly that I startled Anna. At least, I think I did. My gaze stayed completely on the tabletop, so I couldn’t really tell. Only a small bit of Anna was present in my eyes’ periphery.

“Sorry, Anna-san, I know but… uh, I need to go to the restroom actually- could this wait until after that?” I said, desperately trying to keep my voice level.

What a lame excuse…

There was a slight pause as I waited for her response, keeping myself from seeing the face she was making. 

“…Sure, Kazuhiko-kun.”

“T-thanks-”

“-We really do need to talk after you get back though,” she stated, a bit sternly.

“…”

Ignoring that, I marched past Anna to the door. 

 I swung the door open to find the waitress, holding a tray with me and Anna’s orders in one hand, and about to open the door from the other side. Needless to say, she was a bit shocked.

…You couldn’t have come five minutes ago? I would’ve appreciated the interruption.

I decided to keep that strange thought to myself.

“Excuse me.”

I rudely slid past the waitress, almost making her drop the udon in the process. 

I didn’t care at all.

I just wanted to be away from Anna for as long as possible. 

19 Minutes.

Well, 19 minutes and counting.

That’s how long I’d spent hold up, alone, in the restaurant’s restroom.

I didn’t have anything to do here, so I just stood in the corner- leaned against the wall and mindlessly staring at my phone.

…Just below twenty minutes huh?

It already felt like my screw up happened years ago.

I didn’t know why that was the case. Maybe because I liked to think that all my biggest mistakes were in the… somewhat far off past…

I felt my back sink deeper into the wall. 

I’m tired even when I have no right to be…  

…

…At least I was now thinking clearly. As clearly as possible.

That sharp pain from removing her hand- I’d reasoned that away. 

Ok, not completely, but mostly- 

-I could recognize that I’d gotten swept up that time- nearly leading to a severe lapse in judgement.  

It surely was a good thing that I’d stopped myself. Objectively looking at things up to that point- anything else would’ve been a mistake. 

I’d been, and still was, an indecisive mess of stupid fears- plain and simple. Nothing about that had changed. 

Those handful of seconds hadn't been any different from what’d come before them. This entire time, I’d been utterly unprepared for anything. Neither a happy nor a sad conclusion. 

Nobody that unsure should commit to anything if they knew what was good for them. It was better to just not answer, not get swept up in…

…Admittedly, that was hard to accept, even if it made sense. 

I couldn’t imagine Anna’s expression back then had been a happy one. Not at all, in fact. 

But even so, what I’d done was the best course of action, in the long run… probably…

…Wait. 

Is that kind of thinking what got me here?

…Let’s not think about that. That’s not useful. I’m probably just getting too emotional anyways. 

Where am I now- it's not perfect, but it’s preferable to that kind of wallowing.

But-uh- but sure, this bathroom is getting awfully stuffy. It’s better that I leave. 

I put away my phone and walked out.

That place really had been too stuffy… though still indoors, the air outside the restroom felt a lot fresher. It was a welcome relief to my lungs and I took a moment to breathe it all in.

“...”

I quickly noticed that I had no idea where to go from here. 

My eyes drifted to a certain staircase, which led to a certain door, which- I forced them off of it.

I eyed the counter. Currently unmanned, but probably not for long. 

I could pay for me and Anna’s meal there. Right now, without Anna noticing.

Following that train of thought, I glanced over at the restaurant's main entrance. The one me and Anna had come in from and the one we would, presumably, leave from…

…

…I seriously considered it.

A few things held me back though.

Yeah- my only real option was going up to see Anna again. 

I just had to hope that she’d cooled down. Not that I knew how mad she was… 

…I also really had to figure out something to say.

That cowardly headspace that I’d been languishing in just a minute ago- I shed it again. At this point, I was too desperate for a conclusion not to. Th-this does make me the worst kind of flip-flopper though… 

…If I seriously wrestled with my emotions, nothing would ever come up. That was bound for failure- like my previous screw up. 

It’s just plain better to be detached, I guess- see things clearly: 

Too swayed by a desire to not see her sad… or maybe too swayed by an overcorrection of that desire…

Hmm, regardless of what some of my doubts shouted, it was probably the former.

I mean, considering how we met, that made the most sense. 

The first girl my age I’d seen in tears, my first friend no less. That memory of Anna still had a profound effect on me. Everything I’d been doing and thinking so far- it could’ve just been a roundabout way of avoiding that.

H-heck- admittedly, for the past seven months- really longer- I've been trying to keep everything the same. Which meant keeping me and that girl’s relationship as is.

…And, as then, right now, Anna’s just my friend. 

My treasured best friend, but still just a friend. 

That could just be how I preferred things and there was nothing with that. 

B-besides, I look into things too much- I could’ve been doing that to my own feelings.

Yeah…yeah… plus, what was that thing Shintaro-senpai said a while ago?

Infatuation isn’t love- infatuation has a on and off switch? Something like that. 

At most, I was, occasionally, infatuated with Anna. Then the nice moment would pass, we’d dispute, and I’d get annoyed with her- maybe even mad. Like- “don’t want to be anywhere near her” mad. Genuinely. Things were wildly inconsistent with her like that. 

…That can’t be called love, right?

 No no… and it was wishful thinking otherwise.

I must’ve just really not wanted to reject her. M-makes sense- best friend and all. I could’ve also just been musing the idea of having a girlfriend- nothing wrong with that either. Teenage boy and all that…

Effectively leading a girl on for... months was though. Even though there were other circumstances…

…I really do have to apologize, but…yeah, at least I have my answer for her now. 

Screw whatever the rest of my scattered thoughts say. I'm refusing to listen to them. 

This makes sense. 

It’d been easy to think up, in fact. I really had been overthinking it all this time.

…With some effort, I took a step forward.

I began making my way to Anna, to and up that flight of stairs. 

It’s been more than twenty minutes- no way that glutton hasn’t eaten through her food.

I’m not going to eat mine, it’s definitely gotten cold anyways. 

I’ll just give Anna her response, come back down, pay, and leave. Then maybe call someone and tell them to make sure she’s ok… it can’t be me after all. 

…It’s going to be a painful few months. B-but as I’ve known for a while- it’s possible to get over that kind of thing. 

However strongly I might feel now, a future me will surely look back and laugh at how overly serious I’m being…

…Yeah- this might be pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Let’s hope for that-

-In front of me was a door. 

On the other side was Anna.

I took a deep breath… but that didn’t stop my racing heart. Annoying…

…What Anna had wadded through to confess to me- it’d been leagues more difficult than anything I’d ever been put through- including this. I'm sure of that.

It was unbelievably self-centered of me to even compare our predicaments. 

I have no right to even be skittish about this or to pity myself. 

All this has been way worse on Anna than it’s on me.

…I’ll give her my response immediately, then leave. Simple as that. Most polite thing I can do.

Yeah- Immediately… 

I kept that word echoing in mind as I placed my hand on the doorknob.

After a long second, I turned it. Slowly.

Then, as quietly as I could, I pushed the door forward…

…

…It was as I’d left it.

The restaurant’s second floor was still too narrow and mostly empty- with just one occupant.

Anna sat quietly at our table. Her back was turned to me so I couldn’t see her face- only her dark blue hair- still tied in that stylish side ponytail.   

It didn’t seem like she'd noticed-

-I spoke too soon.

After only a second’s delay, Anna swung her head towards me.

Our widened eyes met- she was as startled as me. I could tell.

“ “Ah-” ” we both began, verbally crashing into each other in the process.  

Neither of us recovered so we both stayed as we were- eyes locked, mouths slightly open but empty, and a silence awkwardly placed between us.

The urge to step back came over me, but I resisted.

I-uh- I know what to say now, broadly… but I guess I didn’t think about the specifics…

I was still trying to work something out when Anna beat me to the punch:

“K-Kazuhiko-kun, you-Just… just sit down,” she said while awkwardly gesturing towards the table.

“…” 

…I- I mean I knew what I was going to say to her. A-and it’s not like I had an appetite at this point… So there was no point in doing as Anna said.

I should just get it over with. Say what I need to say now…

…Ok, maybe I don’t have to do it immediately. 

“…Sure.”

With unsteady steps, I reached our table and sat down at my seat.

It took me a second to realize that me and Anna were still just blankly staring at each other… I should say something-

“ “Ah-” ” and just like that, we repeated our previous fuck-up- another painful silence falling between us as a result. This is getting ridiculous.

While my head gnawed itself- I noticed something weird:

“Hey… you didn’t eat?”

The two bowls of udon on the table- both remained untouched. Mine being that way made sense of course… but Anna? She’d been here this entire time. It was a bit weird of her, to say the least.

…Toppings and everything, huh?

The girl in front of me frowned.

“[sigh] Kazuhiko-kun, I wanted to eat together, okay? Jeez…” Anna said, irritated.

Oh… that makes sense, I suppose.

“…Isn’t it cold at this point though?”

“Eh, it was piping hot when it got here so-” she used her spoon to take a sip of the broth, “-huh, it’s like lukewarm. Noodles should be fine too. Also-”

Anna put on a serious face.

“-Udon’s always udon, Kazuhiko-kun,” she said it seriously, like that statement was a great, deep truth… instead of the mind-killer that it was. 

Like, I guess? What- what does that even mean? Is there like a deeper meaning to it-

“-No matter how long you leave it out for,” she added.

… Got it. Probably a tragic backstory then.

“Sure…? Well, let’s dig in then.”

How I was backtracking wasn’t lost on me. But uh… I got an appetite again, for some reason.

I picked up my chopsticks-

“Wait, Kazuhiko-kun…”

-and put them back down. 

After fighting back the urge to run away again, I again looked up at Anna. 

She seemed conflicted- her expression ebbed and flowed, changing a bit by bit, back and forth- from assuredness, then to panic, and then a random cycling through of everything in between. She seemed both too conscious and too unsure of how she was coming off. 

Deliberately holding back the one million things she wanted to say. Not like Anna at all. Typically.

It was almost freaky to watch and it certainly didn’t slow down my heart rate…

Her response only came after she nervously broke eye-contact with me:

“…Hold on… uh… I’ve thought about it and eh, to be honest, I’m- uh, not the best person to tell you what to do… about this, Kazuhiko-kun,” she said, her words almost falling into a mumble near the end.

“...Bit too involved- which… which might affect things, I guess,” she said awkwardly scratching her cheek, “so uh-and I really don’t wanna try and sway you, or anything…”

Anna grumbled to herself, clearly displeased with her own words. Despite that, she continued with restraint…

“…I really didn’t wanna say anything. But…” she cleared her throat, “just know that it’s been on my mind a lot… for a long time… So it’d be nice to hear your response. The sooner the better, I-I guess.”

She took a deep sigh.

“And I’ll accept anything, so answer away.” Strangely, out of everything she’d said, that statement carried the most confidence-

“-T-that’s as much as I’m gonna push you- for now- ok?! Zip!” Anna suddenly exclaimed, loudly, while dramatically “zipping” up her mouth. The rise in voice startled me. Unnecessary…

Also, with her slight outburst, Anna had turned towards me, meaning our eyes were met again.

That expectant look I dreaded had reappeared on Anna. 

This was the most pressure she’d put on me, for this…

…

…it honestly wasn’t much, but I still felt it. Like a boulder.

Jeez, she won’t let me enjoy a second of calm, maybe she hadn’t changed too much after all…

…

…I don’t have any excuses anymore.

I mean, I never had any good ones, but I’ve also lost the bad ones this time around.

I know what I’m gonna say. 

It’s something. And it makes sense. 

I-I’m going to say it anyways, so there was no point in delaying it. Y-yeah, I knew that when I walked into this room…

…Anna. Right now, I was getting anxious just by observing her: Her hands were on the table, nervously squirming. On her face- though her eyes were steady, her lips were pursed, subtly twitching from the tension. As tense- or even more so- than the last time I tried to give her an answer.

I’ve put her through that a lot tonight- a lot of repetitive, unnecessarily tense moments. She must be tired.

It really would’ve been easier for her to drop the subject- to clumsily ignore everything for some short term, false peace of mind.

But no, Anna wasn’t me. She kept going. Even though-

-My point is that I had every reason to end this messy affair. One I’d let go on for far too long-

I opened my mouth, intent on rejecting the girl in front of me.

“…” 

 I-

“…” 

-In the end, I said nothing to Anna.  

…I really, really should’ve known. 

Rejecting her- I didn’t know when that plan had fallen apart, but I’d long abandoned it. 

Generously, it’d been when I sat down. Ungenerously, realistically, it'd been when I’d opened the door and saw her. 

Now, sitting across the blue-haired visage herself, it felt inevitable. Laughingly so.

Turning Anna down- at the point I'm at now- there’s no way I won’t regret that.

Of course, my previous thoughts- about not wanting to see her sad, about wanting things to just stay the same between us, about everything else being a rationalization- all that still could’ve applied. I can’t even effectively argue against those points.

 …Yet, doubt had seeped in and I couldn’t dismiss it as much as I tried…

I also didn’t fail to notice the gentle red fluster on her soft, pale face. The contrast was breathtaking despite its mundanity.

…I could still be rationalizing- placing flimsy justification after flimsy justification in front of doing the right, but unpleasant thing… 

It really may have been that, but I wasn’t sure.

No matter what I could say- either a yes or a no- I felt like I would regret the words as soon as they left my mouth. 

…I just landed back where I started, huh?

 What a farce…

…Anna was still silent, even as I gave her nothing. She was either lost in her head or being patient with me. I hoped it was the first.

I looked past her, at the door-

-It stayed closed. Of course it did. I wasn’t going to get lucky.

I looked back at Anna. She was still expecting something out of me…

…I want out of this. I don’t want to even think about it. Why am I even here? 

Abruptly, with a loud clack, I stood up from my seat. 

Then, I forced my eyes on anything that wasn’t her- settling on the tabletop right below me.

I could see Anna in my periphery a bit, but not much. Not her face.

…After a puzzled second- she reacted:

“Kazu-” Anna started, confused.

I quickly cut her off:

“-Sorry… Restro-” I realized something pointless. 

“-I mean, I wanna get some fresh air…” I muttered, pathetically.

“Eh? Reall-” Anna said before she realized.

I winced at her cutoff…

“…You're sure?” she asked, voice quieter this time.

I weighed my choices. Not carefully though.

“I-uh, yeah- it’s pretty stuffy here- heh he…” I replied, scratching my cheek, a fake smile crawling up my face to accompany my fake laugh. 

“…”

After a second of silence, I made the mistake of looking at Anna's face. My eyes had moved for a quick glance, but inevitably got stuck on her expression:

Terrifying, explosive anger flashed over Anna. Then, after an all too long second, it subsided into a cold, piercing, disdainful glare. 

My heart sank- I had only seen her like this once before… 

…And I’d been hoping to avoid it for the rest of my life.

It filled me with more dread… and regret more than anything else. 

“...You’re taking this seriously, right?” she asked, after a long pause. Anna’s tone wasn’t particularly anything. Maybe a bit empty.

This felt like a last chance…

…

…I didn’t have anything to say. I walked past Anna, to the door, then opened the door, and then walked back down to the restaurant's bathroom.  

Once there, I again found myself without anything to do. So I scurried to the same corner, leaned against the same wall, and pulled out my phone.

“…” 

On this occasion, I was successful in losing track of time. When I decided to leave the bathroom, I had no idea how long I'd been in there for and I didn’t care to find out. 

Standing outside the restroom, on the restaurant’s first floor, I once again considered paying at the counter and leaving without Anna. More seriously this time.

…For whatever reason, I decided not to.

I dragged myself up the stairs and again opened the door.

Anna was still sitting at our table. This time though, she didn’t react to me. Even when I walked over and sat back down at my seat, she still acted like I wasn’t there.

…I noticed both our udon bowls had remained untouched. 

I picked up my chopsticks and started eating mine, even though I wasn’t hungry. 

At this point, the broth had gone cold and the noodles mushy. A completely unappetizing meal… 

…Yet I slogged through, desperately hoping Anna would join me. 

She didn’t- by the time I finished, she hadn’t eaten at all.

Anna didn’t let me pay for our meal. 

Seconds after I finished my bowl, she stood up, walked down the stairs, up to the counter, and paid for the both of us.

I didn’t have time to react-

-ok that’s a lie. I could’ve stopped her if I’d tried, probably. I just didn’t. Couldn’t risk it.

We hadn’t spoken a word since… 

…

…Right now, me and Anna were walking back to the station. 

This town, always quiet, had become even quieter- the disjointed rhythm of me and Anna’s footsteps accompanied only by the sound of sparse traffic. 

In addition, the pitch black night had truly gone and fallen over Toyohashi, with the city lights providing our sole illumination. 

I’m making it sound eerie but it really wasn’t. It was familiar- the sights, the sounds, everything. I’d walked with Anna through the same scenery many times… 

So it didn’t match with the present at all.

…Though this time, me and her weren’t really walking “together”. Anna moved at a quick, brisk pace while I struggled to keep up. I was more than a few steps behind her. 

But I had no desire to catch up.

I mean, I barely had the energy to reflect on…

On…

…God- what was I even thinking?

Even if I thought back to what I could’ve done differently, everything inevitably led back to one thing: neither of us should’ve been there. That “date” should’ve never happened…W-why in the heck did I ever even…

…I sighed, so faintly I couldn’t hear myself. 

There was something to admit.

July 16th- day Anna had confessed to me- that’d been over seven months ago: 

The truth no matter how you sliced it. Yet, it still stung to think about... 

…Seven months plus to respond to her question. 

With everything kept normal between and around us. 

Zero pressure in one direction or another from anyone.

Just me, my thoughts, and my feelings to inspect for more than enough time than anyone would need. Or expect.

And yet, I had still completely failed. 

I hadn’t been able to come up with anything.

I still couldn’t say whether I…

I…

…I still hate thinking about it. 

Following one line of thought, second guessing yourself, backtracking, then second guessing your reason for second guessing yourself, rinse repeat until you start to feel bad for being so indecisive, getting worried you're being influenced by the worst, most stupid of things, being forced to concede that you indeed were affected by those things, starting to worry that you're overthinking it, then starting to worry that you're underthinking it…

…I really do loathe that- especially when it gets in the of- 

Of-

-And sorting through the mess is an impossible task anyways.

Wait, no. No, that's not right. Calling the task “impossible” is giving myself way too much credit. Proba- no, definitely.

I've been making it sound like it was some deep dramatic contemplation but objectively speaking, it just isn't. 

It’s simple, trivial high school drama. No if no buts about it.

Just pondering Anna's simple question, that was barely anything on my end. 

She's one who'd done the difficult work of pursuing…

Really, to be frank, this… I probably would’ve worked it out if I'd kept at it a bit at a time... 

…But no, I hadn't done that. Not at all.

Instead, I’d maintained near complete avoidance-

When my head would somehow drift towards the topic, I would desperately steer it away.

On the rare occasions I had, accidentally, given her question some thought- my jumbled, unproductive contemplations had lasted mere seconds. Then, I would always scurry back to drowning them out with countless excuses. 

Bad in the long run? Yeah. 

Terrible for everyone involved? Yep.

Plain lazy and moronic? Of course.

I’d known all that from the beginning. Before she had even confessed.

But it’d been just so easy. Leisurely, I had continued to enjoy my sometimes pleasant, sometimes annoying days with her. Taking full advantage of the space Anna had given me… the normalcy she’d maintained for me… 

…It really was nice. These past seven, busy months, collectively, they were a happy memory. 

Still… I’d spent them intentionally ignoring everything looming over me.

For this ordeal, my sole, pathetic excuse was at best understandable but still unjustifiable:

I’d merely taken the path of least irritations. The smoothest, most comfortable path…

But it was also, evidently, a road that led off a cliff…

…My fall hadn’t even required someone else. Not directly. 

The reason behind this ill-conceived event- I’d gotten fed up with myself:

Deep, deep inside, I’d known my disengagement was completely and utterly wrong.  

Around me, everyone was moving forward- with burdens and worries all far bigger than mine. 

Yet here I was. Being unfair to Anna, being irrationally afraid, unable to resolve even this. Something fueled solely by my own immaturity…

That fact hit me over and over again- building my self-resentment piece by piece. 

No matter my repeated efforts to stamp it out, it only got bigger, louder and more frantic until, eventually, I hated myself enough to do something…

…But even then, I stayed an idiot.

I rushed for a quick conclusion, just to feel better about myself, ignoring how unprepared I was, ignoring my utter confusion about her.

An earlier, more cowardly… or more sensible version of me would’ve stopped. But no, by that point, I’d learned some recklessness.

On one hand, I knew I couldn’t give Anna anything- but on the other… 

…I told myself that I would, when the time came. Somehow.

Deep deep down, in a utterly braindead, way too hopeful part of myself- I really believed that everything would work out for me: 

In a moment of great doubt, I would discover something within me. Something I couldn’t pick apart. So certain that it would completely lay low the rambling conflicts I had- making clear that my numerous, but ultimately small fears were just that- Small, sad, weak things that couldn’t affect me… certainly not during… important moments…      

Under that delusion, I would simply have to show up. Then, with unspecified but always manageable tribulation, I would, somehow, fix everything. Anna would get her answer.

Even if I landed on a rejection… I might end up sad for a short time- but deep down, I would have no doubts about my choice… Same for if I landed on a yes. Either way, I would’ve chosen a path I wouldn’t regret…

…It really was nonsensical, that entire idea- driven by a hidden ego I’d let get too large. By too many times where I’d gotten lucky. Or maybe it was the occasional times where I’d proven capable. 

It didn’t actually matter which. Even if I’d cleared some true hurdles, that didn’t mean I wouldn’t trip and sprain my ankle on the next one. 

…To get away from metaphor- I've been in over my head for the past few days. That’s the plainest way to put it.

The results of which…

I stopped.

Anna had stopped walking too, at an intersection, half a block ahead of me. 

The pedestrian light in front of her shined red. 

Then it turned green, letting her cross.

She began walking again and so I did. I made sure the distance between us neither increased or decreased.

…I look like a stalker. I’m not really dressed the part but yeah, that’s fair to say. Too far past the point of caring though. 

We were getting close to Toyohashi station. I could see it from here- at the end of the road, amongst the tall buildings of downtown.

Once we got there, me and Anna would go our separate ways.

I decided to walk a bit faster. 

Not enough to catch up immediately- not even close- but maybe by the time we reached the station…

 …I’ll uh… I’ll have something figured out by then.

We continued like that for a while:

Anna, walking steady at a far too quick pace.

Me, frenzied, moving as well, just barely faster than her- catching up bit by bit- but also still stopping whenever she did. Of course.

It was a slow, slow process, but by the time we were outside the station entrance- I was close enough to Anna. Just barely within an inside voice’s earshot. 

“Hey-” I began, my steps stopping. I’d been expecting her to do the same but Anna didn’t. Instead, she went into the station without me.

After a heart-dropping pause, I hurriedly followed her in, quickly closing the gap between us once again.

“So-”

She kept moving, not slowing down one bit.

“I-” 

Again, Anna kept going.

Honestly, that frustrated me.

“Anna-!” 

On this attempt, my voice carried some of that frustration. Maybe because of that, I was interrupted, right before the honorific-

-Anna stopped in her tracks. 

Immediately, my legs froze and my voice stalled.

Anna didn’t turn to face me.

…The two of us stood in tense silence, in the middle of an empty station floor. The shops around us, bustling during the day, were all closed and vacant. 

For whatever reason, I decided to speak.

“-san…” I tacked on clumsily, “Um… I guess-”

“-Kazuhiko-kun,” Anna cut into my useless words.

“…” 

After a moment of my silence, Anna’s left arm rose. 

She pointed at something. I glanced over to it- at a different part of the station, there was a sign that pointed to Ekimae tram station.

“You’re going the wrong way, Kazuhiko-kun. You have to go that way to get home-”

Her raised arm lifelessly dropped back to her side.

“-Right?”

Despite using my given name, Anna’s tone was one reserved for strangers. Pestering ones you shouldn’t even acknowledge.

“Ah- well, just- I have something to say-”

“-Is it important?”

“Um… yeah, guess you can say that. Though-” 

“-What then? I have a train to catch; I can’t stand here forever.” 

Anna struck me with those painfully familiar words. 

They felt like a bucket of ice water being dumped on me. Bringing both great discomfort... and clarity.  

…Whether intentional or not, that line made me realize the futility of what I was doing. 

This time around, I didn’t even try to recall anything.

“…Tonight was nice,” I lied to her.

Anna didn’t react. Though she wasn’t facing me, I averted my eyes from her.

“…A-also, I- uh, I’ll walk you home.”

Wow, even now, I don’t know when to give up. That takes some guts.

Anna didn’t speak. 

Eyes still averted, I felt like Anna hadn’t reacted to me… 

…At least, that’s what I thought until I timidly glanced over at her-

-I realized both of Anna’s fists were red. A result of how tightly she was clenching them. 

Soon enough- the overwhelming tension made them shake. 

That shaking spread- to her arms, then her shoulders- until Anna was violently trembling in bitter, boiling anger. 

It seemed, at any moment, her wrath would explode. 

Scared beyond what I could register, I forced my eyes shut, bracing for my comeuppance. Whatever that may be…

… 

…It never came to pass.

My eyes still closed, I heard a tired sigh, then nothing, and then all too normal footsteps.

Those got more and more distant as time went on.

Once they were faint enough, I felt it safe to open my eyes.

As expected, Anna was now walking away from me.

She was quite far at this point, her fury subdued. She must’ve, rightfully, decided that this wasn’t worth it.

I watched Anna go for a bit. Only when she was just about to turn a corner and disappear from my sight did my eyes again avert. Right to the ground in front of me. 

Apparently, this was all I could bear to see- a boring station floor.

It really wasn’t anything but to be honest, that was enough.

…I soon noticed my senses as a whole were dulling- sound, touch, everything. Even my vision was getting blurry. 

I could feel my heart beating and that was about it. Otherwise, I, with no one and nothing else, was completely alone. 

My “reflection” on the way back to the station- pretty pointless huh?

I might’ve cursed myself to high hell, but I haven’t changed at all. Real change takes time after all, longer than a thirty minute walk…

…The part of me that still wants everything to stay the same, Anna be damned. 

The part of me that still wants to believe I’m more than that, myself be damned. 

The part of me that can’t commit to either of those, reality be damned…  

Those sentiments of mine, all equally wrong and selfish, are all still there. Continuing to affect me just as strongly, despite everything. 

I never learned anything… Chief evidence is the fact that I’m still standing here. 

I should chase after Anna. I mean, I still have no answer for her, but it’ll be best to apologize, explain everything, and hope she forgives me. That’s the most honest and correct thing to do. 

But nope nope nope nope nope- I’m not doing that in a million years.

I have a tiny, tiny scrap of deniability left. It’s worse than useless right now, but I’m clutching it for dear life.

With it, I don’t have to cross the final bridge of recognition, even though I’m 99% of the way there and even though all my logic states that I’ve messed up. An miniscule, completely delusional hope in the back of my mind is still denying everything. And I’ve chosen to cling unto it.  

Perhaps, in time, it’ll grow- allowing me to tell myself in full confidence that my mistakes tonight never happened. Maybe Anna will be like that too…

…

…I really am hoping that me and her will pretend this never happened: where we awkwardly shuffle back into normalcy.

I can’t imagine that’s likely. At all. 

It’s far more likely that I’ve ruined everything I’ve gained, in fact. And that my best recourse is to be painfully honest to her as soon as possible.

-But that… I can’t fully admit to that much. To her… and myself.

So I’ll continue to make nothing explicit.  

Frankly speaking, this is probably just a sad way to lose it all. But it’s also the “action” that’s somehow most acceptable to my weak self.

So yeah, I’m sticking to it. As much as every reasonable part of me is screaming in disapproval. 

I guess no matter how much I hate myself for being influenced by a cowardly, braindead fear… it doesn’t end up mattering. 

I may see something as stupid. I may conclude that something is stupid a million times over. But, when decision-making time comes, that stupid thing will still be a factor. Perhaps the dominant one- governing me with no real opposition.

I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve been letting a thousand useless fears stall me for a while now.

Why should this time be any different…

“…”

I tried to sigh. I might’ve succeeded but I felt nothing. No air leaving my lungs, no muscles easing, I couldn’t feel anything despite being alive. It was strange being so numb.

Anna was long gone by now. I didn’t even bother to check. I knew.

…As always, I’d been hoping for something nonsensical. From her. But, naturally, nothing happened. So I finally gave up on it. 

Yeah- just because she was a bit unpredictable didn't mean she’d do something that bizarre, after all. I should be ashamed for even…

…That little delusional piece of me, it’s still here, but oddly enough, I still feel regret. 

It's almost overwhelming. Like me, the world feels like it's bent out of shape…

…Really- even though I still wasn't willing to do anything, I felt like I could break down at any moment.

…I realized that I could still call her. To apologize and explain everything.

No, she probably doesn’t want anything to do with me for now. I’m not going to push it anymore.

I’ll just go home. I bet Kaju’s getting worried…

…My legs still wouldn’t move.

“...”

…What was that thought I had before? When I look back as an adult, I’ll see this as basically nothing?

That’ll be nice. Let’s just go home and hope for tha-

“-Um… Kazuhiko-kun…?” asked a timid, unsure voice. It was so soft that I barely caught it.

…Hm?

Huh? 

Weird…

…

…

Wait… that…

…No way-

-Upon realization, my head snapped up. At once, detail returned to my eyes, any blur cleared away to reveal… 

…

…Anna?

“...”

“...”

…What the heck?

I really, really didn’t believe it at first.

I blinked several times. Slow, heavy blinks that made sure nothing was in my eye.

After each one however, the sight of Anna in front of me remained unchanged.

She just stood there, exactly how I remembered her- well, it hadn’t been a long time at all but still-

-I scanned her head to toe. Same fashionable clothes, same blue hair, same face with that barely noticeable makeup. Yep, yep, painfully recognizable from her blue alone, but, but…

She- she wasn’t mad…?

… No matter how much I looked for a counterpoint- that seemed to be the case.

The Anna in front of me held neither a frown nor a glare. If anything, she seemed about as deathly afraid as I was: 

Completely frozen in place, eyes wide with fright, and a death grip, both hands, on her purse-strings for some desperate support…

…I wondered if her heart was racing as fast as mine was. 

Probably…

Still, that didn’t make me any less confused. Or startled.

No, no… if anything, that made everything made even less sense.

…Seriously, what the heck?

“Uh-”

Some sound left my mouth…crap…

“- Ehhp! ”

-Huh?

However my bare utterance had made Anna fidget back ever so slightly with a weird, squeaky yelp. When she recovered, she just looked more anxious.

I got more startled by her being startled. 

W-weren’t you the one to approach me? W-why are you also like this…? Wait, does that even make-

-I want to say something, but I’m too scared to breathe. 

I know I’ve said this girl is confusing, but she’s never made me question reality. Not by this much at least. 

Tonight’s events, t-they happened, right? 

Yeah, yeah… I remember it so well. I’m not gonna start second-guessing that… Not that far gone…

So…

…Nope, not a clue. Yep, no idea. Trying my best to figure this one out and failing.

“Um, Kazuhiko-kun…”

After prolonged silence, Anna spoke, basically mumbling. I tried my best to follow along, but- I uh, Imma bit off still…

“…Um, Kazuhiko-kun, I- I’ll take you up on your offer!” Anna exclaimed, with a sudden, frantic rise in her voice. 

…My what?

Anna must’ve noticed my confusion because she didn’t wait for my response:

“Y-y’know- uh… walking me home and uh…”

Plus, what was she even talking about…?

…A-also, I- uh, I’ll walk you home.

…Oh, that.

I was surprised she remembered. I’d assumed she’d stopped listening to me by that point…

…In any case, that was confirmation, that, yes, I was remembering this disastrous day correctly. Which makes this current matter somehow more-

I was still dwelling in the bizarreness of it all when Anna suddenly turned from me. Before I could say anything, she started walking away.

“C-c’mon… Um- no take backs!” she blurted. More confident then when she’d been facing me but an obvious skittishness still lining her voice.

She continued in her confused stride, occasionally turning back at me and urging, with strange hand gestures, for me to follow her. 

Strange sight to behold- completely different from the frightening, ice cold Anna she'd been just before. I had a hard time accepting that, even though it was a good(?) thing for me…

How…?

…I still had no clue, but I guess, uh… 

I gulped and forced my legs to start moving. 

My dread, it was all still there, but now it shared space with nigh endless perplexment…

…

…Even my steps, trailing hers, didn’t feel real. I couldn’t quite believe it. Like there was some trick that was going to be revealed at any moment.

However, time passed, I followed Anna all the way to the train platform, we stood there together, in silence, and no trick appeared.

…I’ll say it again: 

What the heck…?

Now onboard the train, heading to Anna’s house, nothing had changed.

…Still dazed, my body sat stiffly on a train seat, my eyes fixed on the empty row of seats in front of me. On my lap were my hands, too sweaty and too tightly bound together…

…Sitting next to me, of course, was the source of my disarray:

Yanami Anna was acting much like I was.

Sitting too straight, poker faced, hands tightly clutching her purse- 

-Weird. It was weird.  

This annoyingly talkative girl… I mean… I’m not expecting her to act normally after… but still…

…I remembered that sight. Of Anna trembling out of anger.   

That hadn’t even been ten minutes ago. Probably.

Way, way too different from now and I could see no reason for the change… Absolutely none at all…

…A stupid, yet persistent thought crossed my mind. 

I was imbecile for even considering it.

But, for some reaction, I acted on it:

As discreetly as I could, I brought my hand to my cheek…

…and pinched myself.

OW!

I winced from the sharp pain. Youch youch, too hard…

…I was still sitting on the same train seat, with the same Anna next to me. 

More than enough to put that theory to bed. It’s official- that seemingly very dumb idea had, indeed, turned out to be very dumb.

“Kazuhiko-kun, wha-what are you doing?”

To my surprise, Anna had turned to face me. Her expression conveyed equal parts puzzlement and concern. Crap…

“…Ah- n-nothing, Anna-san,” I got out. Believably enough, I hoped. I’d die of shame if I were forced to explain this. 

“…’Kay. Sure.”

Anna didn’t buy it, despite her words… I need to get better at this…

Despite that odd interaction, me and Anna fell back to how we were before. Sitting squarely in our respective seats, not moving a muscle or saying a word. 

…At least, that was until the train stopped- at the stop right before ours.

Right after the train stopped, Anna fidgeted. Only a bit. If I hadn’t been sitting next to her, I wouldn’t have noticed it. The ride was pretty smooth so it wasn’t that- that kind of fidget is when you realize something.

As subtly as I could, I glanced over…

…Anna had brought her hand to her cheek- her expression both curious and determined.

…

Don’t. If I did it, don’t you think that-

“ Ep -!”

-Ah, way too late.

Anna pinched herself (really hard for some reason) and quickly regretted it. She jumped in her seat from pain, a full cry prevented only by biting down her tongue. It would’ve been funny if it weren’t for the circumstances. 

I shoved down a quip-

-Wait, does this mean… What a disturbing realization…

I was kinda hoping one of us knew what they were doing… I mean, I guess I could be wrong about…

I looked at Anna, who was now massaging her recently pinched, slightly reddened cheek. Still in too much pain to notice me staring at her.

…Not exactly holding my breath though.

Too quickly, the train arrived at our stop. 

Both me and Anna stepped off the train onto the platform of a small, dimly-lit train stop. We were the only ones here. Not even a hapless salaryman heading home after a long day of overwork.

“...”

“...”

…Which only made the prolonged silence between us more apparent. 

Without a word, the two of us left the train stop. 

Her house was quite a ways away. Unless she felt like waking up early- Anna would typically have to ride her bike to the station and then catch the train to Tsuwabuki. Whenever she didn’t feel like biking the entire way of course.

I’ve walked this path plenty of times before…

This time, however, I was getting irritated.

Still nervous, I’d been hoping to walk a bit behind her- y-y’know, like how I’d done when me and her were going to and from the restaurant… a bit different from the usual but not- uh, unheard of…

…However, Anna’s answer to that, this time, was a firm no. 

Though still silent, and still not looking my way, Anna quietly insisted on walking beside me- slowing down whenever I would, even to a crawl. 

For both our sakes, I eventually relented and started walking at a normal pace.

Anna maintained no reaction. She just kept pace with me. No hint of satisfaction from winning that petty nothing. Odd…

Her continued silence was also odd. But at least with that pointless dispute just now, I fully accepted that it was the Anna I knew walking next to me. 

Honestly should’ve realized that way sooner, especially with her nonsense on the train…

…That should’ve made me feel better. 

And it did, kinda, but-

-Suddenly, I strongly felt like someone was staring at me.

I glanced over at the likely culprit-

-However, Anna wasn’t looking my way at all.

She’d remained placid in demeanor- just calmly walking beside me. Nothing had changed. 

After a second of staring, I looked away, embarrassed at myself.

Jeez- I’m getting paranoid at this point… and losing my grip on reality. Wait, that might’ve started earlier actually… 

How scary to think about… 

My internal quipping didn’t stop me from noticing that me and Anna were almost halfway to our destination- her house. 

A seemingly inevitable scenario played out in my head. There seemed no way out of it. 

At this point, the shock from Anna’s  reversal was finally wearing off. No matter how much that  continued to confuse me, it probably wouldn’t amount to much. The end result of tonight would pretty much be the same.

And peering a bit beyond that…

…I didn’t see anything discernable. That was the most frightening thing. 

“…Hey, Kazuhiko-kun.”

I continued walking. My ears had heard Anna’s words, but my head had chosen to disregard them for some reason.

That was probably why I soon felt an abrupt, rough tug on my sleeve- stopping me in my tracks. 

“Kazuhiko-kun.”

…Slowly, I collected myself and twisted my neck to look back at-

-Anna seemed, like, kinda miffed… I guess? Her blue eyes were narrowed to a slight glare- yeah, very slight. Even with Anna’s tight grasp on my coat sleeve, her annoyance didn’t seem like anything special. 

That left me confused, but the fear that it was something important subsided.

“W-”

“-Just wait here for a sec,” she said, interrupting me. 

With that, Anna let go of me. 

She then ran off in a random direction, leaving me blankly staring at the spot where she’d stood. 

Eventually, I recovered enough to look over at where she’d gone-

-Huh?

It’s that? I was expecting… 

…I don’t even know.

Currently, Anna was excitedly talking to an old lady running a roasted sweet-potato cart. Can’t believe I missed that- given how empty the neighborhood is.

Ack- as expected, there was an exchange of cash and Anna was handed a large paper bag almost overflowing with sweet potatoes. 

Isn’t that…? Didn’t we just-

-Ah. 

Well- uh, I guess- um… ok, right- she didn’t.

For once, her cravings made sense. She might be actually hungry. That much though…?

I feel like a broken record, but seriously…what the heck?

Unbearable silence to this- regular, food-crazed Anna. If this was her attempt to ease things, I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. I didn’t feel better, just more…

Am I overthinking…Or did I misjudge the mood before…? 

Before I could finish the thought, Anna came happily hop-skipping back, hugging her newly acquired bag of sweet potatoes, she'd already stuffed her mouth with one of them. 

However, just in front of me, she came to an abrupt, screeching halt. 

Anna stared at me like she just remembered I was here. 

I expected another awkward pause, but without skipping a beat, Anna hurriedly dug through her bag and pulled out a sweet potato. A particularly big one.

She extended it to me.

“Hmvm mmit!” she exclaimed, her demanding voice muffled. 

This was her, still in her impeccably fashionable clothes, with a sweet potato lodged in her mouth, carrying a bag full of them in one hand, and another extended out to me in her other. 

I blinked to make sure I was seeing this right. 

Yep, yep, unfortunately…

“Er- it’s fine, Anna-san. I a- I’m not hungry,” I said, trying to politely brush her off.

“Mmhh!”

…It didn’t work.

 Screw it, I’m not taking it. I’m not hungry and my dignity’s already in tatters. I’m not accepting her unreasonable request this time. Not for the second day in a row.

“No seriously, I’m good.”

“M-”

I turned and began speed walking away from her. 

“Tmmkhh! Mmth!”  

My escape attempt failed- evident by the dangerously hot tuber currently brushing against my face, held by Anna. She’d followed me, of course. 

Ow…

 Also, she’s holding something that hot with her bare hand. How is that…? I guess that’s just her and food.

“...Once aga-”

“-Tmmkhh! Immth!” Anna’s muffled demand came again. She pushed the roasted sweet potato even deeper into my cheek. 

Again, ow- very hot. You're practically stabbing me with that thing.

“Anna-san-”

“-Nmmw!”

The heat burned even more.

Maybe I’ll just try ignoring her-

“Nmmw!” she aggressively repeated- the freshly hot sweet potato still digging into my face, still hurting.

At least use your words properly!

What the heck is her aim?! The difference from before driving me nuts- that has to be intentional right?!

She’s so insistent- this is just torture at this point- yeah, physical coercion! She hasn’t been this bothersome since… Actually, I don’t even know.

 I tried ignoring Anna for another minute, but she didn’t let up one bit. 

Ow ow ow- Is this one her strange, inexplicable impulses? I might be overthinking her motivations… 

…I weighed the unpleasantness of eating something while I was full against the nuisance of Anna continuing her antics. I also considered the idea of not giving in. Maybe that’ll teach her that these tactics don’t work… 

…No, that’s impossible. She'll just try and shove it down my mouth.

Everything considered, the next course of action was obvious. Time to fold, urgh.

Frowning, I snatched the offered sweet potato from Anna. Not even peeling the thing, I took a bite out of it.

Anna seemed a bit surprised at me.

“[swallow]…There, happy now?”

“...Yewmmp!” she “exclaimed”, enthusiastically nodding, mouth still full. So proud of herself. 

And so annoying.

I scowled.

Just pretend she’s not there-

“[Munch] -Hey, Kazuhiko-kun? [chew] Is it good?”

…I side-eyed Anna. 

She was holding her now half-eaten sweet potato with her free hand, mouth free to speak, looking more cheerful and ridiculous than she’d been tonight. 

My mind a mess, I refocused on the road. 

“…It tastes good, yeah.” 

That was true, at least. Aggravating as that was. 

The roasted sweet-potato was deliciously sweet, its texture and firmness almost perfect- yeah, good, unfortunately.

“Phew… then can you help me get through this?” she nudged at her too full bag. “I bought way too much.”

I ran a quick calculation.

“That much should be nothing for y-”

Anna kicked my leg. I almost fell.

“Ow?! At least-”

“-Shutty. Hold on,” she quickly gobbled up the sweet potato in her hand and immediately offered me another, “here.”

“I haven’t eve-”

“-You have two hands don’t you? Use them! Eat faster that way.”

…I can see that speaking any more is not advisable.  

Albeit while grumbling louder, I did as I was told. This left me walking while dual-wielding two roasted sweet potatoes, occasionally taking bites off them with no enthusiasm. 

I look so dumb.

Beside me, Anna was going to town, happily devouring sweet potato after sweet potato. Clearly in no need of help.

“Boy… hits the spot huh?” she said blissfully after her 7th(?). 

She seemed both full and relieved- must’ve been really hungry.

My frown steepened.  

“Like I said- I wasn’t-”

“Even if that were true, Kazuhiko-kun,” it really is, “think of it like… uh- dessert, sure.”

Anna waved around her current tuber like an unsure teacher with their teaching stick- telling a student that something was important without knowing why themselves.

“Yeah- everyone needs, like, something sweet after a meal, right?”

“Dessert’s usually lighter.”

“...It is?” Anna asked, tilting her head in genuine confusion.

Right. This girl. 

“Like… a bit of ice cream or mochi or something,” I said, unsure of where I was even going with this.

“You’re oddly picky, Kazuhiko-kun. Eh- a different thing… bad-timing I guess.”

Bad what?

“What are you talking about?”

Unsure, Anna rubbed her cheek in thought… with the sweet potato she was holding. Don’t do that-

“Eh, like- if we were walking past… when- um, actually… forget it, k?” 

“What?”

Anna shrugged, half lazily, half in frustration.

“Hard to explain.”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Hard to explain,” she repeated, not even looking at me.

My exasperation shot through.

“A-” 

“Hm?”

“…”

I said nothing and turned away from her.

Demanding an answer… I don’t have that right. 

Hoping my cutoff would go unnoticed, I quickly scarfed down the two sweet potatoes Anna had given me. Including the root ends- not especially pleasant.

“…Here.”

Firmly, Anna offered me another sweet potato.

I sighed and took it.

This force-feeding, it’s like making an executee dig their own grave.

“…By the way, Kazuhiko-kun… are you feeling ok?” she asked.

“I wasn’t hungry before this, you know. The sweet potatoes didn’t-”

“-Yeah, yeah, I get that.” Disappointment grazed her face but it left as quickly as it’d come. “Urgh- like, uh- in general or whatever. Serious.”

That… 

That’s harder to answer…

…What kind of question is that? At this time? 

… 

…God, what does she think?

Unless she’s suffering from amnesia- I’m sure she can guess. I’m baffled she’d even ask. 

But…

“Better,” I answered.

…I still didn’t want her mad at me. Again.

So, in the end, I’d gone with something positive… and technically true. 

Anna, next to me, acting like her usual self: It still didn’t make much sense, but it was preferable to…

…My worries aren’t gone, but with this, I can ignore them for a bit longer. That counts as feeling better.

…I just had to hope Anna wouldn’t ask the obvious question of “better than what?”. Honestly, my heart tightened as I increasingly realized that that was a real possibility. 

Beside me, a sigh left Anna. Her head was hanging slightly.

It could’ve been my imagination, but I sensed both relief and dissatisfaction mixed into that sigh. Something for a better-than-expected, but still barely passing score. 

“That’s good, Kazuhiko-kun,” she finally said. Climbing from a drop, her smile had regained some sardonic cheer.

However, completely and utterly uncharacteristic of Anna, her present expression seemed a bit forced. A well hidden tension too- gone was her usual courtesy of being a bad liar. 

Surprised, I stared at her for too long… 

“…Ok.”

…So I quickly turned away.

What her intent was- I couldn’t decipher it. 

Whether she was in the right or not- I was in no position to judge.

More or less, she broached the painful subject- however, unlike herself, her trespass seemed too restrained. 

Why…?

A possibility entered my mind, but I angrily chased it out.

Completely embarrassing, I’m ashamed to have even thought about it…. That kind of thing’s unreasonable to her, a nonsensical, self-serving expectation… It’s beyond wishful thinking and I didn’t deserve it.

…But if-

“Hey, Kazuhiko-kun, we’re getting close, huh?” Anna said offhandedly- that previous fakeness gone.

“What? I-”

I looked around. She was right- we’d arrive at her house pretty soon. 

…

“-Yeah. Why?”

“Ah… Mhmmm…”

With that weird, displeased sound, Anna looked down on her paper bag of sweet potatoes. Impressively, me and her (mostly her), had gotten through a lot of it, but it was still around half full.

“My mom’s really been on my case about what I eat lately. So…”

Ok…? That’s good news. It’s a good thing Mrs. Yanami’s finally putting her foot down. Anna’s almost out of high school after all.

 “Finally making you grow up?”

“Quiet you. Ergh…” 

She looked down at the remaining sweet potatoes once again. 

Oh, I get it now. But-

I blinked, confused.

“You can’t finish them before we get there?” Genuine question.

“You wanna get kicked again?”

“No ma’am.”

“Good. Er… bleh,” Anna drooped, overwhelmed by her pitiful conundrum. 

“You shouldn’t have bought so much…”

Anna’s foot moved swiftly, aiming for my leg. It stopped at the last moment, but not before I jumped in fear with a high-pitched yelp.

“-Hey!” 

“...”

Anna, still wallowing, ignored me. Uncalled for…

“...Can’t you just throw them awa-”

“And waste food!? Kazuhiko-kun…” her eyes narrowed, “what kinda evil are you?”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Still a no go,” she countered firmly. “[sigh] Just need a place to sit down and get through all these…”

“Isn’t there a park close to-”

“-Oh yeah. Perfect, let’s go there,” she said, determined for some reason.

I rolled my eyes. Shouldn’t have said anything…

…Well, actually, I don’t mind this. It’s a nice stall if anything.

“…”

Now headed to the park, I walked for a few seconds before I realized Anna was no longer beside me.

Erratically, I swung back to find Anna a few paces back, stopped in her tracks:

She seemed like she was in deep thought…

… 

…I choked back my panic and got some words out:

“Um, Anna-san?”

With a fidget, Anna snapped out of her contemplative state- her blue eyes flicked wide with shock.

“Ah- eh…” she stumbled. 

“...What’s up?”

“N-nothing…” 

Then she made a face. 

“Ok, Kazuhiko-kun, actually, eh… really just an… I just remembered… we’ll talk about it later!”

She began moving again, marching right past me, headed straight to the park. 

Ok…? 

I can’t even… I’m too tired at this point. Understanding her is future me’s problem. 

Well, that’s if I… 

Whatever…

With a tired sigh and shrug, I scarfed down the sweet potato on hand and followed Anna- reaching her side by the time we reached the park.   

Well, Koden “Park” wasn’t really a park. It was small, sitting on a single city block. More of a playground with some greenspace mixed in than anything. 

It’d been a bit, but I’d been here before. Whenever I’d walk to her house with her- Anna would sometimes insist on stopping by. She seemed to have a strong attachment to this place. 

I'm honestly surprised it had seemingly slipped her mind.

I joined Anna at our usual spot- a bench, part of a pair overlooking a sparse playground. 

“Here.”

Anna handed me another sweet potato. Effectively browbeat at this point, I took it without resistance. Why is she so insistent about this…?

We sat like that for a bit, on a park bench, eating sweet potatoes.  In silence, but the mood wasn’t particularly awkward.

I felt myself sink into the bench. A sigh escaped me, relaxing my joints somewhat. It hadn’t been too long of a walk, but god did I need this… 

A soothing thought and feeling intruded my mind.

Maybe, I was finally…

Finally…

“…”

…I realized my heart still felt constricted.

Even after a few seconds, then a minute, and then a couple of minutes, it stayed that way.

I sighed.

…I didn’t know when- but it had really hit me at some point:

Anna’s house was close to here, like really close. Less than a block away… 

…

…I hadn’t lied earlier. To Anna. 

I really did feel better. Now a lot better, being honest with myself-

-But still, I didn’t know what Anna was expecting. I feared that it was something completely reasonable. Something I couldn’t provide…

…Irrationally, sitting on this familiar bench, with Anna next to me, eating, I felt like reality was mocking me somehow-

-Giving me another chance to patch up things, while knowing full well that I wouldn’t.

…When me and Anna arrive at her house, I won’t have anything for her. Not even close… I know that much.

…I can’t help but wonder what that scene will look like:

Will Anna stop before going in, expecting me to say something? Will she keep her back turned or meet my eyes directly?

Either way, what will her reaction be when I again say nothing?

Will she be as mad as before?  

I mean, she’ll have every right. Why she isn’t right now is a mystery…

…Following that, what will our parting look like?

For the life of me- I couldn’t foresee anything, especially not anything good.

If Anna was somehow still expecting something, thinking that I’d just needed a bit more time… she was in for disappointment…

…Where my relationship with her would go from there, renavigating to the status quo or nose diving into a dumpster… I had no idea. 

I hated that uncertainty more than anything. Even with things oddly normal right now, the future seemed ever murky. 

Even just tommorow… I didn’t want to think about it…

“Kazuhiko-kun?”

Anna’s voice couldn’t have come at a worse time. 

“...”

I didn’t bother responding or turning to face her.

Undeterred, she went on: 

“So um, about that thing before…”

I fidgeted.

Her tone- unsure, but too serious for my taste…

…Whatever it was she wanted to talk about- I quickly assumed the worst.

Even if it was to be the lightest acknowledgment of… 

…Selfishly, I didn’t want it brought up, for it to be shown to my face-

-I continued acting like I hadn’t heard Anna, not turning to face her, not looking at her, not giving her anything.

Inside, I was squirming, trying again to find a way out of this. 

“…Um, yeah so-” 

My heart sank deeper as Anna continued.

This talk was inevitable. Yet, selfish person I was, I wanted to deny it- delaying uselessly like I’d done so many times before- delusionally hoping that my flailing would somehow work. 

“-It’s just something I remembered but…”

Anna trailed a bit off, but I didn’t doubt that she’d regain her footing. A slight determination seemed to underline her every word. 

I hated how much that bothered me-

-How I was worrying, how every second going by felt like another step on thin ice, how every bit of this was my fault- it was almost as bad as at the station. The world around me felt deathly fragile. 

However much I didn’t deserve it, I craved for even a fleeting assurance-

Without that, I’d rather just…

I would prefer it if I could just forget about…

…

…That’s not a great thought to have-

-It was then that Anna’s voice again registered for me:

“-And so, that's it I guess… Kazuhiko-kun?” 

Um, why does she sound like she was just finishing up saying something? Last time I remember, she just started.

Anna’s voice came again, but more frustrated this time around:

“Hey.”

At that, I fully jolted back to reality. Instinctively, my head spun to Anna-

-She was sending me a tired, exasperated stare.

“Y-yeah?” I got out.

“Were you even listening?”

“Um, uh, well-”

“-No?”

“...No.”

Anna’s right eye twitched. 

I thought she was going to let me have it, but instead, she exhaled deeply. Although, that didn’t seem to make her feel any better. 

Clearly irritated, she again seemed to be holding back a million different things.

And, with some effort, she kept it that way.

“...Well, I guess, I was talking about-”

-Pathetically, I flinched at those words. The urge to run away sprang up again.

Anna must’ve noticed that:

“…It’s nothing serious, by the way.” she said, after a slight pause, in an almost grumble.

For some reason, I didn’t believe her…

…How closely she’d been dancing around our thin film of pretense alarmed me, but Anna continued without a moment’s pause- her voice picking up cheerfulness along the way:

“-Anyways, me and Lemon were texting each other ‘bout it earlier today- Imouto-chan and Riko-chan are almost done with the magazine edition and us third-years are about to graduate… So how about a little end-of-term Lit club send-off celebration!” 

Anna exclaimed the last bit like it was the most brilliant thing in the world.  

I, however, pretty shell-shocked, couldn’t muster anything to say. 

…Wha-what the heck was she on about?

“-I know there’s the graduation party coming up, but it’ll be nice to have just a little thing for the Literature club- like maybe the day before the ceremony, or maybe the day before that. Ah- and it doesn’t have to be a big thing, I was thinking just karaoke- gosh, it’s been a minute since I’ve done that-”

As Anna happily chattered on, unfocused, I stayed silent, still too taken aback.

“-Honestly Kazuhiko-kun, I really miss Imouto-chan and Riko-chan- haven’t been able to see them much recently… Ah… my adorable kouhais are all grown up now, I’m so proud of them-”

-This felt like the hundredth time today that Anna threw me in for a loop. I’d probably done the same from her perspective, but still…

…Strangely, this time in particular, I really felt like she had a purpose to her words. A meaning she wanted me to get. 

Frustratingly, it felt just out of reach…

“-This is a good time, hmm? We’re all done with university exams and Lemon just got back from Tokyo. Plus, when we officially retired from the club, we didn’t get to do much ‘cause exams. This is like, an-uh, proper sendoff and goodbye celebration, huh? Oh, and…” 

…Nope, I have no idea. I mean, I can barely follow her.

In the first place, what does this have to do with-

-I’d hardly noticed Anna’s slight pause, but her next words definitely and rudely hit my ears:

“…You, absolutely, absolutely, have to show up, ‘kay? No matter what! I-uh, I better see you there, Kazuhiko-kun!”

-me…

…

…

… 

…Those words of hers, just now, felt different from the rest of her spiel. For reasons too evasive, they had struck a resounding chord with me.

“...”

I realized she had stopped talking. When I refocused my gaze, I saw that Anna was waiting. 

Staring at me was her navy-blue eyes and barely hidden underneath was all her worry. However, she still merely waited.

“…”

Suddenly clearminded, I thought about that line of hers:

You, absolutely, absolutely, have to show up, ‘kay? No matter what! I-uh, I better see you there , Kazuhiko-kun!

I replayed that again and again and again in my mind, making sure that I'd heard it right…

…

…It was a small thing. Absurdly small. 

But… 

And this could just be wishful thinking…

…Anna's words felt like a guarantee, from her to me.

An almost irreparably tiny, clumsy one… 

Yet still a promise that no matter how we parted tonight…

…

…We-we would see each other again.

Like how we always had. 

-No matter what! 

…I dwelled on that- poking holes in my conclusion wherever possible.

There were plenty- too many in fact.

It was honestly kind of pathetic that I was clinging so tightly to those vague words of hers- I could be completely misinterpreting things, letting myself get swept up in a flood of wishful thinking, and placing too much weight on unimportant, out-of-hand statements-

-However, Anna’s gaze was still met with mine throughout this awkward silence:

A fraught, anxious, and yet still steady blue- it assured me that I was understanding her right…

…It's sad to get confidence from that but- 

-My heart, having been constrained for so long that I'd passively accepted it, now felt unhampered.

And, more than I even wanted, I felt a long nagging stress dissipate. 

So much so that I began to feel wobbly, finding it hard to sit straight- as if my strength was leaving me. 

As subtly as I could, I hurriedly steadied myself- trying my best to keep to my rigid posture- coming dangerously close to collapsing on the bench. 

…I was realizing for the first time in a long time how tense I had been. How worried I'd been.

…I really did feel relieved. 

Relieved beyond all measure- beyond anything I could’ve ever predicted. 

Truth be told- I wanted to collapse, utterly, deflate right into the bench, exhale multiple heavy sighs, and stay that way for the next few hours.

But that would rude to-

-Oh, right, I should say something.

“…Of course. Why wouldn’t I? I was club president- it’d be weird for me not to show up.” I said to Anna, breaking a silence that’d lasted for who knows how long.

I still sounded far from genuine- too guarded, too ready to withdraw at a moment’s notice.

Anna didn’t respond immediately- her eyes rapidly blinked as she processed.

However, eventually, she took it all in. Her face calmed, and her lips formed into the biggest, smuggest grin. 

At that, my heart loosened even further.

“Heh.” remorselessly, Anna randomly slapped my shoulder. Ow-

“Why? Kazuhiko-kun, I can picture it now: All of us in the karaoke room except you. I ask Kaju-chan where you are and she cutely answers “Onii-sama was busy preparing for the graduation party- but he should arrive soon.” Makes sense- however-!”

Her expression suddenly became a lot less easygoing.

“-You then send a message to group chat: “Ur dur… sorry, I can’t make it… these preparations are taking too much time… Sorry again.” Then me, Lemon-chan, and Chika-chan send you a hundred messages but you never read any of them and the next time we see each other you don’t even know why I’m mad-!”

“Woah woah woah woah, slow down!” I sputtered, surprised at her sudden rant. 

Why the hell has she thought this through so much?!

“Ah- sorry. I was gonna crack a joke, but the more I thought about it, the angrier I got,” said Anna, abruptly calmed down. 

“Your imagination’s unbelievable…” I sighed, defeated, “...and if something did come up with the graduation party-”

-I thought about that more carefully.

“...Nevermind, I’ll work around it. Somehow.” 

Better just go with the straight truth.

“Good.”

Anna smiled. I felt my shoulders get even weaker.

“-Come to think of it- Imouto-chan will also be busy even after the mag’s done. StuCo and all-”

“You can’t make her come if she’s too tired.”

“I wasn’t gonna! Jeez- I just nee- Don't you always say I don’t think before I act? This is like me- uh, planning ahead!” 

“I suppose…?”

“Ok… planning ahead… so Lemon’s fine, Chika-chan should be good as well- maybe I should text her though- I haven’t really talked to Riko-chan, I don’t see why… ok now the venue-”

At this point, Anna was talking to herself- working out her shockingly sparse plan. Doubtless I would have to look over the final product.

Ah well, but the thought of that didn’t seem unpleasant to me. 

Especially for now, at least… 

…As Anna went on, my back sank completely into the bench. At last, I let the rest of my guard down. 

Relaxing, my gaze leisurely fell on the endlessly clumsy and amusing sight beside me- currently planning an event that might not get off the ground. 

Ridiculous…

…Despite everything, watching her, the faintest chuckle left my lips.

Gosh, it’s probably not good to be this at ease-

I knew all that, yet I couldn't help myself - the feeling of normalcy between me and Anna was creeping up again, and I instinctively purged any thoughts that might’ve threatened it.

…It felt good. I was finally at ease.

-I blinked in realization.

…I don’t deserve this.

I remembered the last few hours- no, the last seven months: 

My actions had all been mind-bogglingly wrong and stupid.

For them, Anna should’ve been angry at me, but for some reason, she wasn’t. 

No, instead, she was behaving normally. And because of that, we'd managed to drop right back into our usual routine.

…It felt like the worst part of me was getting its way- the part of me that wished me and her would act like nothing happened. 

That unbelievably selfish, stupid desire. One I’d thought would've, rightfully, never be fulfilled. 

…I really had no idea why Anna was doing this- going so far as to give me that promise and with it, a calm I didn’t earn. 

Did she still- I mean, what could she even be thinking…

It was completely nonsensical… Why… 

…This was so unlike her.

Did she just want to…Was she just scared of…

…Well, whatever her intent is- I’m in no place to judge.

And if I had any sense, I would’ve cut this pretense between us, regardless how grateful I was, and have said everything that I should’ve said before…

“- Mou ! This is too much thinking!” Anna suddenly exclaimed.

She then grabbed the last few sweet potatoes and gobbled them up in a matter of seconds. 

“[munch] [munch]- I’ll think about this later!” Anna resolved- her brain apparently drained.

…But of course I didn’t. I hadn’t changed much after all.

Still unfair to her as ever, I just enjoyed my undeserved, newfound ease.

“Ah, Kazuhiko-kun,” Anna turned to face me, “did you want some? Sorry, they’re all gone now.”

Anna showed me the bottom of the now empty paper bag. Her look, rare for her, was genuinely apologetic.

Jeez… no. And why would you- did you listen to… Save that face for more fitting times.

“…I’ll be fine, Anna-san. By the way, here.”

I handed her a handkerchief.

“Wipe your face.”

“…Thanks.”

Anna, for once, did as told, in an oddly neat fashion as well.

I thought that was weird, but by the time she was finished, Anna was back to normal. 

She handed me back the handkerchief.

“Ah- Kazuhiko-kun, I just remembered super important- at karaoke, as always, no ani-”

Anna reconsidered. 

“-Eh, what the heck? I limit you to one- no, two anisongs for Lit club party, ‘kay? Just this once.”

“…How generous of you.”

You’re one who typically pushes me to pick a song in the first place. It’s not fair if you make me leave out 90% of the songs I know.

“Tsk- c’mon, c’mon, it’s awkward as hell when you pick something no one else knows.”

“…Kaju watches the same anime as me-”

“If you duet a song from one of your siscon anime with her, I will kill you.”

S-scary- those empty eyes are scary.

“Why’s that the first thing you…? I wouldn’t do that. Chances are way higher that Kaju forces me into one of those.”

“Hmm, maybe true… that would still be on you, Kazuhiko-kun.”

“How-”

“Imouto-chan’s too cute to blame!”

“I can clearly see your bias…” I muttered, my eyes rolling.

“Oh! And-”

Me and Anna continued like that for a while, sitting on that park bench, the chilly winter night’s air around us- talking about nothing in particular and nothing important, stumbling, tripping, and falling into a dozen pointless arguments, getting unbelievably annoyed while managing to get a kick out of each other at the same time. 

Despite how late it already was, neither of us kept track of the time- too lost in the familiar atmosphere we found ourselves in. 

On my end, it was so much so that the rest of tonight almost slipped my mind.

Almost.

…But despite that, by the time we wound down, my previous mistakes didn’t weigh on me too much.

I’d gone out and ate with Anna before. I’d walked her home before. I’d even stopped by this park with her before. Plenty of times.

Right now is just like that. Yeah- just like that.

Everything about this is normal.

I repeated that in my head until I just about believed it.

“-And so yeah, Kazuhiko-kun… Wait… eek! Look at the time.”

Anna showed me the time on her phone.

The day’s almost over… T-that’s certainly more time than I would’ve expected… or liked. By the time I get back… I don’t even want to think about the conclusions Kaju’s jumping to. 

“Jeez… my parents are definitely gonna say something. Welp-”

Anna stood up from the bench.

“-Let’s go, Kazuhiko-kun.”

“…Yeah sure.”

I stood up as well. Guess I’ll walk her right to her house.

And so I did, with Anna, walking that short distance along a path I’d walked dozens of times before. 

Everything about it felt normal. Our parting tonight would be normal.

…I should’ve been satisfied with that. More than satisfied in fact.

But… 

… and I was-

-Before I realized it, me and Anna were standing outside her house.

R-right, short walk.

“Well, Kazuhiko-kun, good night. Seeya later,” Anna said casually before walking up to the door and opening it.

“…” 

“Hm?”

Anna stopped before going in. Her hand still on her door, she looked back at me.

Her expression conveyed simple confusion, nothing more. She was just puzzled because I hadn’t said “see you later” back…

Everything was prompting me to say goodbye, as usual, and then leave.

“Anna-san, I- About tonight-!” I blurted.

I really was the world’s biggest idiot.

“-I…I…”

My tone was too intentful to disregard.

…How many times have I done this? I really have learned nothing.

As before, I won’t achieve anything. I'm still unable to admit to anything. Too afraid to mention anything remotely painful.

Yet here I was, sputtering like a moron, too scared to proceed, but far, far too filled with guilt to just… to pretend…

“…I know that I… I mean-”

Useless words still flooding from my mouth, my eyes scurried off Anna in all too familiar fashion- landing on a piece of street beside me.

Even just an apology for… everything, the least I could do- 

-I backed away from that as well.

“-I didn’t want to just- at the place…”

I really had nothing to say. Nothing was coming to me…

…Anna coming back for me, her weird attempts at something, keeping up that pretense between us- even though I was ruining her effort now, I was still eternally thankful to her.

Out of everything, I at least knew that was true.

A small, yet growing part of me simply wanted to give her the answer that would’ve made her happy. Even if I would be unsure about it…

…That honestly might be-

- Abruptly, I felt my shirt pull up, cutting off my train of thought.

Shocked, I jerked my head forward to find Anna dangerously close to me- a firm grip holding up my collar.

I-

-My distress jumped when I saw how angry she looked: a heavy glare, clenched jaw, and a face tense with ire.

However, quickly, that expression of hers twitched, then eased bit by bit into forced blankness. 

Then she looked unsure.

Then she just settled on looking tired.

“Jeez… [sigh] Kazuhiko-kun.” 

Anna stated my name with emphasis.

“Y-yes?”

“Have you come up with something?”

“Ah-”

-I knew what she meant, so I thought about my earlier musing. 

About just wanting to see her happy…

…

…Then I noticed Anna’s face twitch. Just a tiny, tiny bit.

Anna this close to me, her well hidden yet very much present anxiety…

…though so much was different, the sight reminded me of something. 

That forced me into honesty:

“...No.”

I quashed the urge to turn away, having gained a sudden, probably half-assed determination. I’m hopelessly inconsistent today…

To my surprise, Anna then let go of my collar.  

“[sigh] Thought so. Well-” 

Anna’s posture eased and a calm smile graced her face, 

Then, airily, she stepped back, giving me space to think.

“-Just tell me when you’ve figured something out. ‘Kay?” she said, meeting my worried gaze with her accepting one.

Anna’s words took a moment to sink in…

“...Ah-”

Words got stuck in my throat. I don’t even know what to say to that…

…For the life of me, I couldn’t see where she was getting her faith from.     

Why…

Why was she still… she so…

…I felt even more guilty. 

I don’t deserve to be one who's more upset. 

Anna was surely more hurt than I was, rightfully so.

That thought tipped some scales in my head and my mouth started moving again. 

“-Well, even so… Um, about tonight- I’m… I’m want to ap-”

“-Ah, hold up,” Anna raised her hand, a bit awkwardly, gesturing me to stop. 

“Save that for later too, Kazuhiko-kun.”

“What-”

“When you figure something out, we can talk about everything… I think it’ll be better that way…”

Anna’s head tilted up, in thought, then it lowered, her eyes meeting mine again. They seemed more assured this time.

“...Yeah. Just remember everything you wanna say and say it then.”

“...Can I ask why?”

“Eh, just a feeling I have,” her eyes darted about my face, “just go along with me on this one.”

Um, that- that isn’t exactly…

…

…I didn’t feel like saying no.

“…Ok, I guess,” I said simply.

“Phew…” Anna breathed a sigh, not even trying to hide her relief. However, she quickly straightened up back to normal. 

“…Well, Kazuhiko-kun, that everything?”

Her calm, oddly fitting smile reappeared.

The things I agreed not to say for now…

…If not them or a lie, I wanted to say something I knew was true.

“…Thank you, Anna-san.”

That vague, little line was all I could come up with. Said with a laughable seriousness. 

All I can give her for now. 

At my words, Anna’s smile turned sardonic. 

She shrugged nonchalantly.

“Meh- don’t mention it. I’m doing everything for myself anyways.”

Don’t try and act cool-

“-Ah, but praise me a lot after this,” she suddenly demanded.

Wait, which one is it? 

…I gave up a second into trying to figure that one out.

I smiled wryly.

“…Yeah sure, why not?”

“Heh- You’re finally making sense, Kazuhiko-kun. Hm hm!” Anna said, all smug all the sudden. 

I let Anna bask in that for a bit. Then she realized something.

“Oh- it’s late… Welp, goodnight,” she abruptly said. “Seeya whenever I seeya I guess.”

“The Literature Club sendoff party…?”

“Oh yeah… eh, me and Lemon will figure that one out- text the group chat about it later.”

Will you though…?

Lemon and Anna organizing something… even something that simple… 

Eh, not impossible, I suppose.

“I see… I’ll see you then…”

Despite my doubts and everything else, I felt my expression soften.

“… Goodnight, Anna-san.”

“…‘Course, seeya later, Kazuhiko-kun.”

 With that, Anna walked into her house, lightly waving to me along the way. I weakly waved back…

She then closed the door.

“...”

Now in complete silence, I stood in place, eyes fixed on the shut entrance. 

Strangely, though she was gone, I felt Anna’s presence lingering…

…Shortly, my mind became awash with everything from today:

Meeting her at the station, walking to the restaurant together, refusing to say anything, sitting down at the table, ordering, refusing to say anything again, running away, coming back, refusing to say anything then again, running away again, coming back again, and then still refusing to say anything all the way until… 

…I remembered it all vividly. 

Every single mistake, big and small, as well as the idiot who made them…

…And I can’t say much has changed since then.

I’m not dissimilar from that defective person.

I still have the same stupid thoughts. I still worry about the same stupid things. I still feel the moronic impulse to turn away from anything unpleasant. To willfully ignore things for too long-

-And I still don’t know whether I love Anna or not… Yeah, my feelings on that remained hazy to the point of blindness…

…Everything’s there for me to screw up in the same way.

Over and over and over again…

…

W-with only a single new, vague counterbalance…

It’s…um…Well, first, I’ve…

I’ve…

…Truth be told, on this matter, I’ve only been looking out for myself.

For all this time, from that rooftop to… No, even longer than that… 

…Even my decision to act a few days go- just a slap-dashed effort to patch up my ego.

I can’t deny that that selfish me is still here… 

But now, at the very least, he shares space with someone else.

-Just tell me when you’ve figured something out. ‘Kay?

…It shouldn’t have taken that. Or have taken that long.

The fact that it did probably means that I’m a bad friend that deserves less than nothing. 

Yet still I-

I-

For…

“…”

For the first time in a long… 

…For the first time, I want to properly respond to Anna’s confession. 

For her sake.

Not to mend my own guilt.

Or even to make her momentarily happy.

No, for her and her alone, I desperately want to give Anna the only answer that’ll be good for her well-being…

…

…The only thing for me to do is to respond honestly, huh?

Regardless of the consequences, both immediate and prolonged. 

Regardless of the million possible, disastrous aftermaths that have played out in my head a thousands of times each. 

Regardless of if I’ll regret everything if anything goes even slightly wrong…

…Yeah, even if my answer destroys everything tying us together… I want to find and clearly express my feelings to Anna. 

Just as she did to me, everything else be damned. 

It’s sad that it’s taken this long for me to truly feel that. This is the very, very least I can do for her…

…

…It’s also sad that this isn’t a particularly overpowering desire. 

Those aforementioned worst parts of me are still around- trying with all their might to drag me back to how I was. My newfound want to do good by Anna is only barely winning out for now. 

That can really change easily. 

This might be a fleeting passion that I sleep off. 

Or something I quickly talk myself out of. 

It’s also possible I reverse at the first sign of trouble- or mild discomfort.

I might even just forget I ever had these thoughts and continue on unchanged…

…I truly don’t know how strong or long-lasting or important my current sentiment truly is or where it’ll lead me. 

The only choice is to find out, and that’s… 

I sighed terribly, my throat now weak and coarse.

…At the very least- so far, in the time I’ve been standing here, I haven’t changed my mind. 

Plus it doesn’t feel like I’m deluding myself. I think…

…Though, if I had to guess, I’m probably being motivated by not the best of things as well.

Well, regardless, at last, I found myself willing to do something for her and not myself. 

No matter how uncomfortable, troubled, and shamed I would become or how terribly my ego would come bruised.

Yeah- the first thing I should do is…

…Yeah, how unpleasant. 

I’m not sure if I can…

…

…I’m overdramatizing again. What I have to do and now want to do is probably nothing. Any thought other than that is just to protect myself.

Of which I still have, by the way.

…Jeez- scratch what I said earlier- I’m definitely a bad friend that deserves less than nothing. Way too cowardly as well. 

Anna’s nonsensical decisions… I hadn’t done anything for them. I'd just gotten unbelievably lucky. 

Really… if all this ends well, that’ll have more to do with circumstance and other people than myself. I can’t do anything right…

But… oh well, that’s not a good excuse to…

…Plus, Anna can slap me as much as she wants when all this is over. That’ll be one of the many ways I’ll apologize.

I breathed my last sigh for today.

Then, absent-mindedly, without purpose, I approached Anna’s house. 

For some reason, I placed my hand on the door, and then embarrassingly, I found myself resting my head against said hand. My eyes twitched with exhaustion.

God… I’m so tired. 

Wonder why I’m figuring that out now…?

In good time, I would mosey back to the train stop and make my way home.

But, in the meantime, my head slothfully rested against the door to Anna’s home, refusing to budge.

“…”  

…Too worn to think clearly, I muttered words to no one in particular:

“...I better start taking this seriously, huh?”