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“This,” James said flatly, “Is bullshit.”
The intern who had been sent to do his make up grimaced sympathetically, dabbing his cheek again with color corrector.
“I am a decorated service member,” he continued, voice emotionless and even. “A renowned Avenger. I mean, I’ve saved the country. Literally. The whole damn country. The president himself has given me a medal of honor. Did you know that? He pinned it to my chest, shook my hand, the whole ordeal. And what am I given as thanks for all of this? All of the crap I’ve endured? The bullshit? The years I’ve wasted?”
The intern paused, looking uncertain.
“Am I- do you want me to answer, or…?”
James closed his eyes for a brief moment, grasping firmly to the last of his patience.
“It was more of a hypothetical question…?” He trailed off, looking for a name tag.
The intern noticed his gaze, and stared at him, confused, before a look of realization crossed over his face.
“Oh. Oh! I’m Josh,” the intern clarified.
“Right, Josh,” James made an expression that he hoped looked something like an ‘oh!’, trying to pretend like the reintroduction had jogged the memory of their first, even though it absolutely had not. “But sure, go ahead.”
Josh grinned, looking thrilled at being included.
“They gave you this, didn’t they?”
“They sure did,” James agreed. “They sure did, Josh. Now, I’m not saying this is a bad gig. Stupid? Sure. But someone’s got to do it, right? The government’s always going to have promos. It’s more that they already did this gig, you know?”
“You’re just the second guy to do it.” Josh nodded knowingly, reaching for another make up brush. James tried to not wince at the sight of it.
“That’s right, Josh. That’s exactly what it is. If I was the first, then we wouldn’t have any issues here. But as it stands-“
“You were the second pick,” Josh chimed in helpfully, swiping his brush on James’ face in a way that made him want to sneeze. “And you’re only getting picked because the first one’s a wanted criminal who escaped prison.”
Well. James wasn’t going to put it that way, exactly, but- regrettably- he couldn’t say the man was wrong.
“Yes.”
“And you have the added bonus of people knowing that the only reason you’re doing it now instead of him is because he’s a wanted criminal, and not because they actually wanted you to do it.”
“That’s true.”
“It’s a messy situation for sure. I mean, I still think Cap’s a great guy and all, but it makes sense that they need new videos. Can’t have a criminal telling you to do stuff, right? That wouldn’t make much sense.” Josh smeared something cold on James’ face without warning, and James flinched, forcing himself to stay still.
“Uhuh.”
“And I do think you’re a good replacement, Colonel, I really do. People look up to you, you know. The Iron Patriot suit’s pretty cool. Not as cool as Captain America, for sure, but still cool.”
“Right.” He grunted, squeezing his eyes shut tight as Josh pulled out another palette of makeup.
“Although, I think Iron Man doing it would be pretty cool, too. Do you think he would ever do it? You’re friends with him, right? He probably would. Hey, do you think he’d sign something for me?” Josh asked brightly, right before spraying James in the face with a setting spray.
James was going to kill Peter Parker.