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Raph looked around his dark room. It was afternoon on a sunday, had he had just woken up. He groaned and sat up. He caught a glance of himself in the cracked mirror that sat across his room. He looked like shit. His mask, which he forgot to take off last night, was crooked on his face, and his eyes were red and puffy from crying. After seeing himself like this, he decided not to get up after all. He laid back down and buried his face under the covers. He was comforted by the warm darkness that surrounded him. His phone buzzed on his nightstand. He sighed and brought it under the covers with him.
It was a text from Leo, ‘dude, what’s up with you?’ it read. Raph rolled his eyes as another text came in. This one was a bit longer. ‘Look, I know that you never cared for Donnies thing for April. We all thought it was obnoxious, sure. But Donnie really needs our support right now.’ Raph felt a stab of pain shoot through his chest with this text. He flinched as he read the last next and final text from his brother. ‘I honestly don’t care how annoyed you are, you need to stop being selfish and get out here.’
Raph didn’t have much time to feel bad or to be hurt by these messages, because his anger swiftly took over. He sent back, ‘sorry I’m not as considerate as you, Leo. I’ll make sure to pop out of my room and bring D some flowers and chocolate sometime today. I’ll give him a big kiss on the forehead as well, how’s that sound?’
Raph hit send, then threw his phone off the bed. He listened to it slide across the floor, then buzz with notifications, annoyed and bewildered texts from his brother for sure. He put his head back under the blanket. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. He genuinely did feel bad for Donnie. It had only been one day since Casey and April started dating, and of course Donnie was taking it hard. He really did think of April as the love of his life. So, of course he felt bad for Donnie. Any big brother would. But Raph was struggling with his own problem. Well, not even his own problem. He was struggling with the very same problem Donnie was: Casey and April were dating.
The amount of times he looked through he and Casey’s text messages in the last 24 hours was alarming. The amount of times he had looked through their pictures together was even more so. He knew he was being dramatic, he could still be friends with Casey, he knew that, but he still felt like he had lost one of the most important people in his life. He knew Casey didn’t like him the way he did, but still, the confirmation hurt, and plus, he had really thought they had something going.
He heard Leo and Mikey go into Donnies room, and he scoffed. They had probably made him his favorite food or something in some sappy attempt to cheer him up. Raph almost wished he could be there for his brother, but he couldn’t face any of his brothers right now. He hadn’t told them he liked Casey, and he didn’t want this to be the way to do it. He sighed. He supposed he would never need to tell them he liked Casey. It didn’t matter now. He wished for a split second that he had told them earlier. That they all knew and could all be snuggled up in Donnies room together, but it was too late now. They would all just have to write this up as one of his “episodes.” He cringed at the thought of Splinter inevitably coming to “check on him,” which was really just him telling Raph he needed to get his shit together and get back to training. Raph figured he probably had little more time to sulk in his bed this time around though, as Splinter wouldn’t come to talk to him until after everything with Donnie was resolved, so he still had some time.
He sat back up in his bed and reached for his phone on the ground, and picked it up. He had three new messages, one from Leo and two from Mikey. Leo’s text didn’t say much, it only read, ‘I don’t know what is up with you, but you need to pull yourself together and stop being a dick.’ Raph scowled at the message. He knew Leo really just wanted him to be there for his little brother, but his message still made Raph angry nonetheless. Mikeys was fairly innocent, it said, ‘hey raph remember the movie don said he liked a while ago?’ followed by, ‘oh shit i remembered nvm.’ Raph swiped out both of these notifications and opened his photo app again. He didn’t know why he kept doing this to himself, but he almost craved it.
He opened the folder full of pictures of him and Casey, and started to scroll through them. Each picture showcased him and Casey smiling, or trying their best to look cool. Casey often had a cigarette in his mouth, eventually so did Raph. Raph blinked away the new tears that started to form. He put the phone back down, then put his face into his pillow. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything today, but hell, a smoke did sound good.
He pulled on a sweater that laid on the floor next to his bed, then pocketed his pack of camels and a lighter. He crept out of his room, and was annoyed to see Leo in the kitchen, toasting some poptarts in the toaster. Leo looked up at his phone, and made eye contact with Raph. Raph quickly looked down. “Finally decided to show up?” Leo said, his tone not exactly angry, maybe slightly confused by Raph’s rugged appearance.
“Can it, Leo,” Raph said. He walked towards the exit. He was embarrassed. His whole family thought he was just annoyed at Donnie, which was not true at all. He wished for a moment that he could turn around and confess everything to Leo right then and there, but he would have to murder and bury his ego before he actually considered that. Plus, he could handle this himself, he just needed everyone to get off his shell.
He hopped up to a rooftop he was very familiar with. Actually, too familiar with. He and Casey had hung out here plenty of times. Raph had smoked his first cigarette and drank his first beer up here. He sighed, his heart squeezing in his chest. He didn’t know why he came up here, he knew it would hurt, but he couldn’t help it, he wanted to be somewhere that reminded him of Casey.
He sat on the edge and let his feet dangle down. He didn’t have the usual sense of anxiety that Casey would do something stupid and tumble off the edge. He pulled a cigarette out of the pack, put it between his lips, and lit it. He took a long drag. Yeah, he definitely needed the smoke. He could already feel his headache clearing. He was glad his brothers didn’t know about his smoking. He thought about the first time he ever smoked a cigarette. Casey had just absentmindedly handed it to him, before remembering Raph didn’t smoke, and tried to take it back.
“Shit, my bad,” he had said. “Forgot you don’t smoke.”
“No, I’ll take it,” Raph said. “I wanna try.”
Casey raised his eyebrows at him. “You sure? Totally no pressure or anything.”
“I’m sure,” Raph said, impulsively. “Now hand it over before I change my mind.”
Casey shrugged. “Sure, man. Here you go.”
Safe to say, Raph failed miserably to smoke the cigarette. He just coughed and sputtered throughout the whole thing, while Casey tried his best not to laugh at him. Raph wasn’t a quitter though, so he finished the whole thing.
Casey cheered when Raph put out the short butt. “Jesus, dude!” he said. “I didn’t think you’d do it! A true natural!” He flung an arm around Raph’s shoulders and smiled up at him. “You’re pretty cool, Raphie,” he said. “With or without the cig.”
Raph blushed and looked away quickly so Casey wouldn’t see - though he wasn’t even sure you could see when a turtle blushed - and scoffed. “Oh, don’t flatter me, Jones,” he said. “I know I’m cool.” His stomach hurt for the rest of the night. He didn’t know if it was from the cigarette or how close he was to Casey.
Raph exhaled the smoke and the memory. It hurt his heart to think about. How was he just supposed to hang out with Casey like everything was normal ever again? He didn’t think he could even look at him, let alone speak with him, without wanting to break something and curl up in his bed. He sighed. He was just going to have to pretend he was mad at him for getting with April and making Donnie so upset. He was going to seem so stupid. He took another puff from his cigarette. He only had three left. He was going to have to steal more soon. He surely wasn’t going to ask Casey to buy them for him anymore. He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard someone start to climb up the fire escape. He put out his cigarette and quickly jumped to the next building, and ducked behind the fire exit door.
“You can see the whole city from up here,” a voice said. A familiar voice. Raph felt sick. It was Casey’s voice.
“Wow,” April’s voice rang out. “It’s pretty, huh? How’d you find this place?”
“Eh, just exploring,” Casey responded.
Raph balled his hands into fists. He knew Casey had really found it while looking for a place to smoke without his dad finding out. Raph just stood there, almost frozen. This was their place. Casey and his place. What the hell was he doing with April up there?
“Wanna cig?” Casey asked.
“I don’t smoke,” April replied.
“For now you don’t,” Raph muttered under his breath. He just felt so… so betrayed. So angry. He wanted to jump out from his hiding place and strangle Casey. He wanted to yell at him and tell him that this was their place, he didn’t even take his brothers here, and April had to leave. He sank to the floor and pulled his knees to his chest. Maybe Casey didn’t think of this place that way. Maybe he didn’t think of all the times he and Raph hung out as anything special. Maybe he didn’t think of Raph as anything special.
All of a sudden, he started to laugh. He covered his mouth with his hand and just silently laughed as he listened to April and Casey flirt. He was so fucked. Everything was so fucked. His body shook as he laughed. He laughed until tears formed and streamed down his face. He couldn’t believe what was going on right now. How did he even get in this situation? What was he doing? Everything about this was just so funny to him. He quietly stood up and jumped to the next rooftop, then the next, then the next. When he was far enough away, he just fully let himself laugh. He didn’t care if anyone was listening. He felt so hurt and so, so angry, but at the same time, everything just felt so comical. He kept jumping from building to building, laughing hysterically, until he over shot one of his jumps, and tripped. He fell forward on the next rooftop, and skidded across the concrete on his front shell. He landed in a heap in the middle of the roof. He curled his knees to his chest and let his laughter turn into sobs. Jesus Christ, he was pathetic.
By the time he reentered the sewers, the sun had gone down and it was dinner time. He tried to skate past the kitchen without being noticed by his brothers, but to no avail.
“Dude you’re finally back!” Mikey chirped. “Where’ve you been? Dinners getting cold!”
“I’m not hungry,” Raph grumbled as he sulked to his room and slammed the door behind him.
“Someones not in a good mood today, huh?” he heard Mikey chuckle from the other side of the door.
Raph was fuming. He punched his stone bedroom wall, and let the pain radiate through his knuckles. He punched the wall a second time. He was pissed. He opened his phone and typed out a text to Casey, i hope u know u really fucked up today. He stared at his phone, then deleted the message. He threw his phone at the wall. He hoped it shattered into a million pieces. How could he have let this happen? How could he fall so hard for a boy that it hurt this bad? How could he have let himself be tricked by goddamn Casey Jones of all people. He flung himself onto his bed and let himself cry again. He sobbed into his pillow so his brothers wouldn’t hear. He wished he never met Casey.
He woke up a long five hours later in the middle of the night. He sat up with a groan, and sighed. He was hungry, he realized. While he wasn’t too excited about the idea of leaving his bed, he hoped it was late enough that his brothers were all in their rooms for the night.
He slowly crept out of his room and into the kitchen. He was just going to make himself some popcorn. That wasn’t hard to make, and it was filling enough. He put a packet into the microwave and listened to it pop. He frowned. Donnie likes popcorn - more than the average person does. After Raphs popcorn was done, he put in a second pack. He would deliver some to his brother. It was the least he could do.
Now both packs were done, and he stood in front of Donnie's room, second guessing his decision. He shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. He could just go back to hiding in his room and eat both packs of popcorn himself. He thought back to Leo’s text from earlier today, you need to stop being selfish. He sighed and knocked softly at Donnie's door.
“Yeah?” Donnie said from inside.
“I’m coming in, Don,” Raph said, then opened his door. The overhead lights were off, but Donnie’s small lamp that sat on top of his bedside table was on. Donnie was sitting cross-legged on his bed, a blanket over his shoulders. The dim light from his phone illuminated his face.
“What’s up?” He said.
“Nothing. I brought popcorn.”
Donnie smiled slightly. “Hey, thanks.” He nodded his head sideways, signaling for Raph to come sit next to him.
Raph did as he was told, and for a moment they sat side by side, quietly eating their popcorn.
“How are you doing?” Raph asked, softly.
“Eh, you know,” Donnie replied. Then, after a pause, “how about you?”
Raph cocked his head, looking at his brother. He wasn’t expecting this question. “Fine? Why?” he asked.
Donnie rolled his eyes at Raph, looking up at him. “I’m not an idiot, Raph. I know this is just as hard for you as it is for me.”
Raph furrowed his eyebrows at Donnie. He couldn’t know. He never told him, or anyone, for that matter. He pretended to stay oblivious. “Dude, no offense, I’m pretty sure you’re the only one that’s in love with April.”
Donnie threw his hands up, exasperated. “Okay, fine. If you’re gonna act like this, I’ll drop it.”
Raph looked down at his feet, letting a quiet moment pass between them. How did Donnie know? He felt relief wash over him, but he also felt a pit of anxiety open in his stomach. Donnie knew he liked Casey - that he liked boys? - and hadn’t said anything this whole time?
“You knew?” he asked shakily. He felt Donnies hand on his knee. When he looked up, Donnie was looking at him, a sad smile on his face.
“Of course I knew,” he said. “I’m your brother. I notice things like that. I’m not as dense as Leo or as clueless as Mikey.”
Raph shook his head slightly. He really hadn’t expected this. “Okay,” he said, slowly. “Uh, I didn’t know. I guess I’m doing shitty.”
“Yeah, you look pretty shitty,” Donnie responded, earning a hit on the shoulder from Raph. He swatted Raphs hand away and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m feeling pretty shitty myself.”
“I’m sure,” Raph said, looking at his younger brother. “Wanna talk about it?”
“Eh, no?” Donnie said. “Maybe. I don’t know. It’s just- I always knew nothing was ever going to happen with me and April, so this isn’t like, a huge shock or anything. I guess really, I’m just crazy embarrassed.”
Raph raised his eyebrows at Donnie, but didn’t say anything. He had learned from a young age that if Donnie ever opened up to you, you shouldn’t say anything until he was completely done talking.
“Like obviously, none of us have ever had a successful romance,” Donnie continued. “It’s not like I’m embarrassed because you guys are all so popular and I’m not, it’s just that you all have been laughing at me since we met April. I guess I just hoped that I could prove you all wrong. I wanted to prove that I was lovable.” He paused for a moment. “Any of this ring a bell?”
“Yeah,” Raph said. “I guess.”
“And Casey ? Like, seriously?” Donnie said, then turned to Raph. “No offense.”
“None taken.”
“This might sound stupid,” Donnie said softly. “But I just feel so alone. With April, I felt like I really was someone. I don’t know, do you know what I’m saying?”
Raph felt his heart squeeze. He knew exactly what Donnie was talking about. He just nodded.
“I would go to bed excited to wake up and talk to her again in the morning,” Donnie said. “It just sucks to lose that.”
“Yeah,” was the only thing Raph could choke out. He didn’t want to start crying in front of his brother.
Donnie sighed, then was quiet for a moment. “Enough about me,” he said. “What about you? How are you feeling?”
“I-” Raph started. He tried his hardest to force the lump in his throat down. He had cried enough today already. “I don’t know. I feel completely sick.”
Donnie only hummed in response, letting him continue.
“I went to our spot today,” Raph almost whispered. Donnie raised his eyebrows at him. “It’s just some random dumb rooftop, but it was our spot,” he explained. “I went there today. I don’t really know why. To clear my head I guess. And he showed up with April.”
“Oh,” Donnie said, pityingly.
“He didn’t see me or anything, I ran away.” Raph frantically wiped at the tears that slid down his face with the heels of his hands, but kept talking. “I just feel so tricked. I knew he didn’t like me, but I thought I was special, you know?” Donnie nodded. “I hate him for hurting me, but I also know it isn’t his fault. Hell, he doesn’t even know how pissed I am right now.” He chuckled slightly. “At least April knows she’s gotta be careful around you for a while.”
Donnie sighed. Raph noticed the tears in his eyes that he kept blinking away. “Are you gonna tell the others?” Donnie asked gently. “It’s been a lot easier with them by my side today.”
“No,” Raph answered instinctually. “I mean- no. Probably not. I’ll get over myself.”
Donnie frowned. “I won't make you, Raph, but I really think you should. I know it wouldn’t be as scary as you think.”
Raph thought for a minute. He really hadn’t expected to ever come out to his brothers, so the thought of doing it so nonchalantly really scared him. But it would be nice. Donnie didn’t seem to be appalled by the fact he liked guys. “I don’t know, Don,” Raph said after a minute. “I’m scared.”
Donnie leaned his head against Raphs shoulder. “Well, whatever you do. I’m always here to talk,” Donnie said. “I get what you’re going through more than anyone right now.”
“You too,” Raph said. “Thanks, Don.”