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On the third floor of the dorm Aigis stands unmoving, her attention fixed firmly on the door in front of her. She could imagine it clearly, a cheerful voice calling out “just a second!” before the door swings open, a bright expression spreading on Kotone’s face as Aigis comes into view. Her crimson eyes and comforting smile were only a simple knock away. If it had been a few months back she may have just picked the lock and let herself in, her duty was to protect Kotone after all. Things were different now though. Aigis had changed. Her relationship with Kotone had changed.
It happened only yesterday, up on the roof of the school. Upon a backdrop of crystal blue skies, wind turbines dotting the landscape like mechanical trees, Aigis confessed her feelings to Kotone. For what felt like an eternity she had wrestled with an agonizing internal conflict, insisting to herself that the leader of SEES deserved to be with a man and – perhaps more importantly – someone who wasn’t a hunk of metal. She had completely convinced herself that the affection she felt was a mistake, a wish that could never be granted.
And yet to her bewilderment she was wrong.
After pouring her heart out to Kotone, she gently took hold of Aigis’ trembling hand and looked into her eyes. In that moment it became clear, an unspoken understanding of sorts. There was no judgment, no rejection, only reciprocation. But despite her incredible processing power, this was something Aigis simply could not comprehend. She felt as if she was breaking down, a burning sensation growing within her body as her mind continued to blank. Overwhelmed and unable to think of what to say, she shook Kotone’s hand off and excused herself before heading back to the dorm alone.
Upon arriving home Aigis had opted to hide away in her room, but the silent contemplation only proved to make things worse. Her worries grew with every minute that passed, a spreading disease that plagued her mind and soul. She sat in her room for what felt like an eternity, glued to the cold seating of her maintenance chamber, paralyzed by her own thoughts.
Am I misreading her intentions? Surely I must be, why would she love me of all people? What was I thinking, I should not have said anything at all! But then… what of that tender look in her eyes? Augh, did I ruin everything? Why did I leave things like that?
Before she knew it the Dark Hour had already come and gone. Aigis was never one to shy away from getting lost in her own analytical thoughts, but she knew that this was excessive even for her. At this point she knew she could not hide any longer, not with this much anxiety eating her up inside. Not with something so precious on the line. Aigis steeled herself and headed for Kotone’s room.
So there she stands, motionless and waiting. She stares intently at the fated door, as if her only purpose is to study the dorm’s wooden grain.
Aigis’ analysis of the worn paneling is suddenly interrupted by a bark behind her. Startled out of her deep contemplation, she whips around with her bullet-loaded fingers at the ready.
“Ah! Koromaru-san, it is just you.”
He responds with a frown, as if to say watch where you point those things! Aigis crouches down to give him a well-earned scratch behind the ears.
“I do not know what came over me, I sincerely apologize.”
Koromaru cocks his head to the side, clearly wondering what Aigis is doing up so early – especially considering his food bowl is empty.
“It is indeed the wee hours, but it is imperative I speak with Kotone as soon as possible. I cannot bear waiting in my room any longer, so I am waiting here until she awakens.”
He gives a knowing side eye, adding a bark of skepticism for good measure.
Aigis finds herself somewhat taken aback, wondering how she could feel so judged by a dog.
“If it is so important, why do I refrain from knocking? Um… that is a good question Koromaru-san.”
Aigis pauses for a second. She had been telling herself she was simply being courteous by waiting, but early hours had never stopped her before.
“As difficult as it is to admit, I believe I may be too scared to knock.”
Aigis’ capacity to experience emotion had continuously grown since joining SEES, but fear was a special case. She had never been scared of threats like shadows before, she was specifically designed to exterminate such threats, but now the Fall was approaching. She had people to lose. A beloved individual to protect no matter the cost. It was just hard to admit that the fear she was experiencing right now was a simple conversation, and with Kotone no less.
“I would also greatly appreciate it if you refrain from teasing me Koromaru-san!” She crosses her arms with a huff. “This is a very serious matter and it should be treated as such–”
“Aigis… is that you?”
Mortified, Aigis freezes. That could only be one person’s voice, and unfortunately it wasn’t Mitsuru ready to scold her for making such a racket. She looks over her shoulder to see a groggy Kotone peering out from behind the door, her bleary eyes adjusting to the hallway lighting. It seems that Aigis had been too absorbed in lecturing Koromaru to notice the door creaking open – or that she was being far too loud for that matter.
Aigis quickly rises from her crouching position to face Kotone. Koromaru prances away out of view, clearly proud of himself.
“Oh, Kotone! I am very sorry for waking you, I should have waited until later but I could not wait to talk with you. I should not have left the way I did yesterday and I dearly hope that I have not caused you any distress or anxiety, but I realize it is very early so if you would prefer I head back to my room–”
“Aigis, hey, it’s alright! It’s okay, really,” Kotone interrupts before her dear friend can spiral any further. “To be honest I didn’t get much sleep anyway, all I’ve really wanted to do since yesterday is see you... so please come in!”
She steps back to open the door wider, welcoming the other girl in.
Aigis could already sense her body becoming warmer, the mere sight of her heart’s desire being enough to make her feel like she might combust. Despite being sleep deprived Kotone still wears a familiar comforting smile. It doesn’t matter how many times she sees it, it’s as if it were a virus specially designed to target her cooling system. And as for Kotone’s disheveled bed head? It’s nothing short of the adorable cherry on top.
Aigis, trying to ignore the heat rising in her face, sheepishly enters the room. Kotone secures the door behind them, using a delicate touch to avoid making any further noise that might wake up their roommates. She sleepily turns on a table lamp before collapsing onto her bed. “Sorry, that was probably a little melodramatic, wasn’t it?” she says with a soft giggle. Aigis, still standing meekly by the entrance, can’t help but smile in response.
Kotone sits up to pat the blanket, gesturing for Aigis to sit beside her. She obliges of course, hesitantly walking over to her side before gently sitting down. She sits stiff as a board, already overwhelmed by how close their bodies are.
There is only a brief moment of silence before “I’m sorry” rings out in unison, prompting the pair to look at each other in surprise.
“No, no Aigis. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Kotone speaks with an apparent gentleness, but there is an assertive quality to it that suggests this has kept her up all night. “I should have said something yesterday, not just hold your hand all of a sudden! I know processing all of these new emotions has been hard for you and the last thing I wanted to do was make things worse.”
Kotone looks at Aigis with a pained expression on her face. This is a side of her that Aigis has never quite seen before. She’s usually so confident and cheerful, taking everything in stride. Even in Tartarus she maintains a brave face in the midst of battle, but now, in this moment, the mask has been torn away.
Aigis shakes her head. “Kotone, I should be the one apologizing. My confusion has made you feel that you did something wrong, but I must assure you that you did not. You were only trying to comfort me, I ran away before you could properly respond.” She falls silent for a moment, averting Kotone’s gaze. “The truth is that I am scared. I have been running away from these feelings… these feelings I have for you. Scared that I will not be understood, rejected for who I am. But why then… Why am I still so scared after yesterday?”
As if to confirm her statement, Aigis’ body trembled. Kotone could feel it through the bedsheets, prompting her to reach a hand out before pulling it back – she remembers what happened the day prior. Aigis, noticing this motion, reaches out her own. “I… I would like to hold your hand. If you would like to, of course.”
In response, Kotone’s once concerned expression shifts to a gentle smile. “I would love to.” She takes Aigis’ hand into her own, intertwining their fingers and providing a soft squeeze of unspoken support.
Aigis takes a deep breath before continuing. “I am so unaccustomed to these emotions. I have been trying so hard to understand, but there is a part of me that fears that I may never will. I meant what I said yesterday, I don’t want you to love someone else… But how can I be so selfish when I barely comprehend human emotion? What if I am misunderstanding how you feel toward me? What if I cannot truly reciprocate the emotions you have? What if… what if I cannot truly love?”
Aigis looks down at the floor, her internal anguish plastered all over her face, but Kotone is quick to respond. “Up on the roof, you said you want to be by my side. That you want to be closer to me than anyone else. And well, I couldn’t put it better myself! I feel the exact same way, and you know how I know it’s all real? You still talk about wanting to be by my side after all this time. Not because you’re programmed to, not because Death was inside me, but because of how you feel.”
Aigis could feel the delicate caress of Kotone’s thumb as she spoke. “These feelings are real and that’s all that matters. Forget labels and all those stupid social norms, this is our relationship and we get to define it. And if there do happen to be any misunderstandings? I know we’ll be able to work it out. There’s no rush to figure all this stuff out right away. I want you by my side too, Aigis. Let’s just go one step at a time, together.”
Kotone was hoping to see a beaming Aigis looking back at her – she did just outright confirm her reciprocation after all – but the troubled expression remains. She opens her mouth to ask what is wrong, but Aigis speaks first. “Are you… are you sure you are okay with me? You deserve the world, Kotone. You deserve to be happy, and I fear I may not be able to provide all that you deserve because I am, well…” She lets go of the other girl’s hand to gesture at her synthetic body with disdain.
Kotone’s once gentle expression twists into a frown. This was not Aigis’ first time expressing insecurity about being a machine, but that didn’t make it any less painful to hear her talk about herself with such contempt. It was like Aigis had already accepted that this was all futile, a love that is forbidden, wrong, and therefore cannot be.
With a furrowed brow Kotone seizes both of Aigis’ hands into her own, prompting Aigis to look up at her dearest. “Aigis, I love you. I love you. You could be a man, woman, human, robot – I don’t care! I love you because you’re Aigis. That’s who I want to be with, machinery and all. I’ll tell you as many times as it takes – heck, I’ll shout it from the rooftops if I have to! I love you, Aigis.”
As Kotone said this she looked straight into Aigis’ wide blue eyes, burrowing into them with an utmost sincerity. With a quivering lip, Aigis stifles out a shaky “I love you, Kotone.” With her Papillon Heart absolutely swelling, tears begin coursing down her cheeks.
“Aw geez, you’re gonna make me cry too!” Kotone says with a goofy smile on her face. As tears begin to bead up in her own eyes, she pulls Aigis into a tight embrace. At first, the recipient stiffens in surprise, but she soon returns the hug.
Kotone softly speaks against Aigis’ shoulder. “No more running away, okay? You don’t have to be afraid anymore, you’re not doing this alone. I love you more than you could possibly imagine.” All Aigis can let out is a sob, but Kotone can feel her lightly nodding in response.
Being in her loved one’s arms like this, Aigis could sense her initial tension melting away. It was like a little slice of heaven that she had been forbidding herself from out of fear. The sensation of Kotone’s heart beating against her chest, the sound of her gentle breaths, the scent of strawberry mocha on her hair, it all made Aigis’ previous concerns feel almost trivial. Emphasis on the ‘almost’. Dismantling her negative lines of thinking will take time, after all.
Between sniffles Aigis manages to get some words out. “I-I am afraid this does not feel completely real to me. What… what did I do to deserve one as perfect as you?” She can feel Kotone’s hand tracing soothing circles across her back in response.
“You’re… well, you’re you, Aigis. The most kind, gentle, and charming person I’ve ever met,” Kotone coos. “You care so deeply for others, and you’d do anything to protect and support the people you love. When you’re with me, it’s like I know everything is going to be okay.”
The two sit in silence for a moment, absorbed in the comfort of each other’s presence. Unbeknownst to Aigis, her body has become as warm as a kotatsu, a relaxing sensation that puts Kotone at ease in a way that nothing else quite has. Judging by her half-lidded eyes, the desire to fall asleep in Aigis’ arms has become very enticing.
Fighting the temptation to doze off, she resumes talking. “To be honest… as hard as I try to keep up appearances, I really struggle sometimes. My thoughts can be really overwhelming and I do my best to push through them every day, but it’s still a lot. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the entire world is on my shoulders. Actually, it kind of is! Y’know… Nyx and all.” She lets out a small chuckle, as if trying to convince herself that it’s funny. “But ever since you arrived things have been different. With you in my life, it’s so much easier to get out of bed in the morning. You keep me going. I guess you could say you’ve become my light, if that makes sense.”
Aigis could not pretend to understand every facet of Kotone’s struggles, but it was clear she was going through an internal turmoil of her own. Sometimes it was very difficult to parse out her true emotions – she always wore that comforting smile after all – but as of late it felt like something had changed. There was a newfound genuineness to her expressions, and while it was only a subtle difference, Aigis could absolutely feel it.
“K-Kotone, I wish for you to know that you are my light as well. You make me feel far more human, and e-even when I don’t, you make me feel loved regardless.” Aigis speaks in a wavering voice, her tears accumulating on Kotone’s shoulder. “I adore you so dearly, I… I wish I could explain it as eloquently as you, b-but the words… they are escaping me.”
Kotone, now caressing Aigis’ fluffy hair, continues. “Sometimes… sometimes you just don’t need the words. Being together like this, you can just feel it. It says it all, y’know?” She can feel Aigis’ chest heave as the tears continue to fall. “You really are as precious to me as I am to you. Remember when we first met in Yakushima? Well, it’s my turn to say that my highest priority is to be with you.”
Aigis’ sobs intensify in response, prompting Kotone to widen her sleepy eyes and pull away. She is greeted by a face that could only be described as ‘full-on ugly crying’. Kotone didn’t even know the poor girl could produce tears at such a capacity, let alone get puffy eyes and a runny nose like this.
“Oh gosh, Aigis, I didn’t mean to make you all sobby!” She quickly cups Aigis’ cheeks to try and wipe some of the tears away. “Was I too sappy? Sorry, probably too sappy! Oh I really hope those are happy tears…”
Between hitched gasps, Aigis manages to choke out a question. “I-I do not fully understand how one can be happy, yet also cry… The tears and convulsions, they… they will not stop. B-but my Papillon Heart, it feels so utterly full. A-am I, am I malfunctioning?”
Kotone looks at her with a concerned, yet deeply affectionate expression. “Oh no, no. You’re not malfunctioning, silly. If anything, this is as human as it gets!” It took every fiber of Kotone’s being to not wince thinking about her own late night weeping sessions. “If there’s any lingering doubt about your feelings not being real, I think you can put them to rest.”
Between forced breaths Aigis sputters out, “I bluv you so m-much.”
Kotone shakily responds, unable to keep her own voice from breaking. “Aw h-hey, now you’re gonna make me all sobby!” True to her word, Kotone’s smile quivers as her misty eyes finally give way to the tears she’s been holding back.
“Guess we’ll just have to be two blubbery girls in love!” She lets out a faint giggle before leaning forward to plant a soft kiss on Aigis’ forehead. “I bluv you too.”