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“Miss Connor!” Betsy Swain called across the busy pub. “Come and sit with us!”
“Betsy, I don’t think Carla wants to…” her mother, DS Lisa Swain started.
She and Carla exchanged awkward glances, neither of them knowing what to do.
“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Carla’s nephew, Ryan Connor suggested, taking a moment to interfere from behind the bar. “I’m too busy to keep you company properly. Go and sit with your mates.”
“I mean, we’re not exactly…” Carla said awkwardly.
“You are Mum are mates,” Betsy said, looking between them. “Aren’t you?”
“Yeah, of course we are,” Lisa said. “I just thought you and I were having an evening together.”
“Mum, where are your manners?” Betsy scolded.
“Really, it’s fine,” Carla said. “I’ve no desire to sit with you, Lisa. I’m fine here.”
Her words were sharper than she intended. But she was still hurting over the way Lisa had rejected her and become so cold.
“Mum…” Betsy said. “Honestly, I don’t even understand what’s going on between you two.”
“Nothing!” they both said in unison.
“Okay… well, one minute you’re spending all your time together and the next, you can’t even be in the same room with each other,” Betsy said. “Have you had a row?”
“No,” Lisa assured her. “We’re fine.”
“Yeah, we’re fine,” Carla lied.
She did not feel fine at all. She felt rejected and sad and like she had lost something very precious. She missed Lisa desperately. She missed her friendship, her smile, her laughter, her beauty, her perfume. She missed everything about her. She could kick herself for overstepping that night in her flat. But part of her didn’t regret it either. Every night, alone in bed, she replayed those moments – Lisa in her arms, holding each other so tightly. She recalled stroking Lisa’s face, not able to stop touching her, not wanting to let her go and then, she could have kissed her. She realised now that she had wanted to kiss her.
“Then why don’t you come over and sit with us?” Betsy persisted.
“Because your Mum doesn’t want me to, Betsy, okay? I’ve pissed her off and she’s done what I’ve realised she always does, which is shut people out and cut them off like she doesn’t give a shit about them so if you could just leave me to my wine, please?”
Lisa felt like she’d been punched. Betsy stared at her boss and then her mother. Ryan leant across to his aunt.
“Way to play it cool!” he commented.
“Shut up, Ryan!” Carla snapped.
“What the hell has happened between you?” Betsy demanded of her mother.
“Nothing, Betsy! Would you just leave it? Carla doesn’t want to be bothered and nor do I.”
“What are you talking about? She’s obviously upset. You’ve hurt her feelings with whatever it is you’ve done, Mum.”
“I haven’t done anything,” Lisa insisted.
Carla turned round.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. It was all me,” she snapped.
“Stop it, Carla,” Lisa snapped. “Grow up.”
Betsy looked between them.
“Why are you being so mean?” she asked. “You don’t stop banging on about her home. About how nice she is, how much she’s done for us, how kind she is…”
She could see her mother turning red. She also caught the amused smile on Carla’s face. Her boss turned round in her seat. She sipped her wine deliberately.
“Really?” she said.
“Yeah,” Betsy said earnestly. “She’s always saying nice things about you.”
“Not recently, I bet.”
“Well, not in the last couple of days,” Betsy admitted. “Since your row. What was it about?”
“Nothing,” they both said in unison again.
Betsy sighed.
“Look, come and sit with us,” she tried again. “You can make friends.”
“No thanks,” Carla declined.
“Please?” Betsy tried.
“Betsy, can you please just leave it?” Lisa begged.
“No. Because you’ve been a lot nicer these past few months since you and her have been friends and you’ve been really moody the past few days since you’ve been rowing. So, it’s in my interest for you to kiss and make up. You know, without the kissing part, obviously.”
Lisa and Carla glanced at each other. They couldn’t help it.
“Wait…”
Betsy stared between them, a little stunned.
“No. Please say you haven’t. Mum, please?”
“What? No! Of course we haven’t!”
At the bar, Carla closed her eyes.
“But I’m on the right track, aren’t I? I know I am. I knew it! I knew you liked each other! And you dismissed me!”
“Betsy, would you stop shouting at the entire pub?” Lisa snapped. “No. We don’t ‘like each other’. There were just some stupid mixed messages. Nothing happened.”
Betsy turned to Carla.
“And what’s your version of events?”
“Now’s your chance,” Ryan remarked.
“What do you know about it?” Betsy wanted to know.
He held both his hands up.
“I know nothing!” he said.
“Well?” Betsy demanded of Carla. “And you’d better come and sit here if you don’t want me interrogating you across the pub.”
Growling in frustration, Carla picked up her drink and came to sit beside Lisa, a safe distance away from her.
“Well?” Betsy repeated.
“Well, what? It’s just like your Mum said. Nothing happened.”
“What does that even mean? For you to describe it as nothing, it must have been something.”
“It was nothing. It was a hug. It was… it was nothing.”
“You’re all bent out of shape over a hug?” Betsy said. “I hug my friends all the time. And yes, before you say anything, I have plenty of gay friends. We hug. We share beds. We don’t go all weird on each other. So, there must be more to it. There must have been something else. There must be feelings.”
“No, there’s not…” Lisa tried.
“Yes,” Carla admitted. “I’ve got feelings for your Mum. Okay? But you don’t need to worry, Betsy. She’s shut me down in no uncertain terms and made her lack of feelings painfully clear.”
Lisa and Betsy both stared her.
“You’ve… you’ve got feelings for me?” Lisa asked quietly.
Carla sighed, studying her drink.
“I would have thought that was obvious,” she said, taking a large swig of her wine.
She continued to study the table.
“I thought you were straight,” Betsy said.
“Yeah, me too,” Carla said. “Sometimes you can’t help how you feel. But like I say, it’s not going anywhere. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“I told you I was right about the spaghetti!” Betsy said triumphantly to her mother.
Carla looked at her blankly.
“It doesn’t matter,” Betsy assured her.
“Fine,” Carla said.
She stood up and took her drink back to the bar. Lisa and Betsy watched her go. Lisa swallowed the aching lump in her throat.
“How did that go?” Ryan asked.
“I’m just going to call it a night,” Carla told him.
She drained her glass and headed outside.
“Mum, what’s wrong with you?” Betsy demanded.
Lisa looked at her blankly.
“She literally just poured her heart out and told you how much she likes you and you just sat there and let me witter on about pasta. Then she left and you let her go. Have you never watched a movie like ever?”
“I can’t be with Carla,” Lisa said dismissively. “It’d never work. Plus, you wouldn’t want that. You’ve told me enough times.”
“Well, maybe I was wrong,” Betsy ventured.
Lisa looked surprised.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re a lot happier – and nicer – with Carla in your world than not in it. I’m not about to start calling Carla ‘Mum’ or anything. But I think she really meant what she said, Mum. I think she’s really pining for you.”
“She’s straight, Betsy. And before you go on about spaghetti again, I’m not about to be someone’s experiment,” Lisa said firmly.
“Have you never heard that sexuality is fluid?” Betsy said. “Come on, Mum. This is 2024. Maybe it just took meeting you for her to be attracted to a woman. You had to be with a woman the first time, didn’t you? And no, I don’t want to hear about it.”
Lisa sighed. Part of her was desperate to chase after Carla. A big part of her.
“Maybe…”
“Mum, I’m giving you permission here!” Betsy pointed out. “Because in all your excuses for why you can’t be with Carla, not having feelings for her, hasn’t been one of them.”
Lisa chewed her lip anxiously.
“So, do you have feelings for Carla?” Betsy nudged, not sure what she wanted the answer to be.
“Yes,” Lisa finally admitted. “I do.”
“Then what are you still doing here?”
Lisa paused. Then she drained her glass. Then she stood and dashed out of the pub.
Carla was at her front door by the time Lisa, breathless, had reached her, running to catch up with her. She leant against the door, holding up one hand, silently asking her to give her a minute. Amused, Carla watched.
“I thought a copper would be a fitter,” she remarked.
“Yeah,” Lisa breathed. “I should be. I shouldn’t have finished Betsy’s chips.”
Carla laughed.
“I’ve been comfort eating,” Lisa admitted.
She leant her back against Carla’s front door. Carla gazed at her.
“So, what do you want? Didn’t get enough of making me feel shit in the pub? Wanted to continue it out here? Make it quick, will you? There’s a programme I want to watch on in ten minutes.”
Lisa stood up, stepping closer.
“I’m sorry I’ve made you feel shit,” Lisa said honestly. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know you had feelings for me.”
“Well, what did you think was going on?”
“I thought… I guess I thought you were playing with me,” Lisa admitted.
“Why would I do that?” Carla wanted to know, stepping even closer, their shirts brushing against each other.
“I don’t know. Not on purpose, I guess,” Lisa said, looking into Carla’s face.
Any closer and they would be within kissing distance. She felt Carla’s hands come to rest on her waist.
“Just maybe you got carried away, in that moment… got confused and…”
“I’m not confused,” Carla said. “I’m very clear on how I feel about you. I’m not that clear on identities or politics or any of that stuff, if I’m honest. But I know that you’re the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. And you’re on my mind pretty much constantly, all the hours in between. And I’m not talking platonic thoughts.”
She pulled her a little closer, a gentle but definite movement.
“I am so desperate to kiss you, Lisa,” she said. “But I’m scared.”
“Of kissing me?”
“Of you panicking and pushing me away again. It’s been hard enough this time and all I did was hold you in my arms, touch your beautiful face.”
“I won’t push you away,” Lisa promised.
She ran her hands through Carla’s hair, pulling her closer, carefully closing the small gap between them. Their kiss was soft at first and then with the growing love and lust they were both feeling, became more heated. They wrapped their arms around each other, oblivious to neighbours passing them by, blatantly observing them as they lost themselves in each other. Carla opened her mouth when she felt Lisa’s tongue touch her lips, eager to welcome her. She felt thrills and sparks shoot through her body. She could hardly believe she was actually kissing Lisa Swain. Everything about it felt right, like Lisa was the person she was meant to kiss for the rest of her life. They parted reluctantly, gazing at each other.
“Is this really happening?” Carla breathed.
“Apparently so,” Lisa managed.
Carla slipped her arms around Lisa’s waist, pulling her in close again. She happily sought out her lips, heart still pounding. Lisa wrapped her arms around Carla’s shoulders, returning Carla’s kiss. It had been such a long time but Carla was more than worth the wait.