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“Misha is gone.”
It had been a quiet day after training when those words had roiled out of his disciples mouth. The events proceeding the Wardance had left everyone exhausted and they were still recovering. Both physically and emotionally. That day was only meant to be short with a few low energy exercises. Today was supposed to be okay.
“What…?”
Yanqing did a double take and looked at March 7th. He was only telling her about his penpal from beyond the stars. The one he met around a year ago, well taking a short break from their training. March was discussing her time in Penacony and the topic of the bellboy slipped out of Yanqings mouth. Misha was a sweet soul, they had both always waited for the day they could reunite again.
“What are you saying…? What do you mean he’s gone?”
The commotion had caught Yunli’s attention, looking up from her Berry Pheasant Skewers she was previously stuffing her face with. Her expression quickly changing to confusion and concern. After all, she had no idea who or what they were talking about. Yet it didn’t take a scientist to figure out that the tension in the air was thick. March 7th looked towards her teacher, weakly smiling realizing the truth bomb she had accidentally dropped.
“I-I thought Stelle or Himeko had already told you…?”
She started to grit her teeth, clearly anxious. She tried to avert her gaze from the blonde, bracing for emotional impact. To her shock Yanqing had said nothing else. He stood up and walked out of the garden quietly. Leaving the two girls behind to finish the training without him.
The walk to find any of the other Nameless was agonizing. Yanqing swore the hustle and bustle of the streets had become louder, yet so quiet at the same time. His footsteps and thoughts rang through his head, clearly in a panic. Yet he refused to show it on his face. This must be a mistake, a prank? Yes, March must of meant Misha has gone somewhere else. Yanqing was so happy for him, Misha has finally left Penacony and gone on his own adventure. Just as he said he always wanted, which means he will eventually come to visit Yanqing on the Luofu. Yes, just a misunderstanding, he just needs to confirm it with Stelle or Dan Heng. Then he can go back to his training and playfully scold his student for her poor choice in wording. Silly March, making him worry over nothing.
Yanqing swears he can hear his chest tightening, his hands start to shake .
It didn’t take long for him to randomly stumble across Himeko, she was back at the Seat of Divine Foresight. Chatting away with Dan Heng and the General about something he didn’t care enough to catch in the moment. He gently tugs at the helm of her jacket to get her attention. A forced smile on his face well his arms trembled. He had no idea why, he had nothing to worry about after all.
That was almost two years ago.
Two years since Himeko had sat him down, alone, and told him everything. Two years since he cried harder than he ever had in his life, well Himeko tried to cradle him in her arms as a form of comfort. Afterwards, Yanqing had locked himself away in his room for the rest of the day. Not daring to glance at anyone along the way home. He had told Jing Yuan nothing.
At first he thought everything was going to be alright. Yanqing had promised himself that he would grow stronger and be happy. After all Misha would hate to see him in is current state. He trained harder than before and seemed more motivated for a short time, but then he started to do things a bit slower. The more he tried to ignore the loss of his friend, the more drained he seemed throughout the days. Nights became unrestful and we spent sobbing till the break of dawn. In which Yanqing would occasionally miss his scheduled training. When he did show up he struggled more and more from the lack of sleep as time went on. In Yanqings eyes, he thought he had properly mourned. There was never any service held from Misha, not even back on Penacony. However, Yanqing never thought he needed to attend one to process his grief. He’s the generals retainer after all, his sadness and poor performance should not show as to not dent the generals reputation. Jing Yuan does not need to know. He can deal this by himself. He has to.
Tonight was the anniversary of Misha’s death. And Yanqing couldn’t feel more emotionally overwhelmed and numb at the same time. He thought that as time went on he would heal, that’s what Dan Heng had told him. However, for what feels like the millionth time, Yanqing finds himself torn up over the ordeal. There was no memorial set up for the bellboy this time either. Yanqing had very few pictures of him and on top of that didn’t want the general to find it. After all, he still had not known much about the situation. Yanqing had no courage to tell him either, how was he suppose to spill the beans? That the reason he had missed a few training sessions was, because he couldn’t find the strength to get up? That he had felt incomplete without someone Jing Yuan had never met. No, that wouldn’t do at all. Yet here he is, the unshakable Cloud Knight Lieutenant. Curled up in bed at two in the morning, eyes dried and red from crying. The hollow and gut wrenching feeling in his chest had only gotten worse. Yanqing had completely broken down and didn’t have the energy to even fall asleep. The feeling that a part of him had died along with Misha, this empty feeling kept eating away at him. He wished more than anything that Misha was here. That he could comfort him and make these horrible feelings and aches go away. He wanted to hold his soft hands and comb his hair. Wanted Misha to hold him, and tell him that he was here to stay. Here to make all these scary thoughts and feelings go away.
Misha…. He cared so much for his Misha…
He laid in bed recalling all their encounters from the first time they met. Misha was like a prince really, always so sweet and thoughtful. What Himeko had told him about Misha seemed so… off. This idea that Misha had never been real in the first place felt like a lie. Yanqing could talk to, touch, and explore with him not so long ago. Even in a dream, he had felt so real. So peaceful, and full of wonder. Those interactions where Yanqing could hold his hand or run his fingers through his hair, even in a dream, could never be replaced. No, Misha will forever be human to him. Yanqing felt himself let out a few more sobs at the thought. His chest felt like it was burning. He truly felt trapped in his own pity party. He should just get up. This shouldn’t matter, none of this should matter. He should have gotten over this over a year ago. He shouldn’t be in pain. These thoughts should have gone away. Why isn’t the pain going away?
It’s not fair. It was never fair. He didn’t deserve to die. He didn’t deserve to be barely remembered like this. There’s nothing he could do about it. Neither of them could, and what pained Yanqing the most was that he couldn’t say goodbye. It didn’t matter how much he cried, how badly he wanted to rip his chest open to make this all stop. How much he wanted to scream and point a blame on someone. Who did this? Who took his friend away from him? Give him someone to take his anger out on. No. No matter how much he pled to the Aeons nothing could bring Misha back. Tonight would end like every other night. He would wake up in the morning, feeling utterly defeated. At this point it was a routine.
Pointless. These feelings were just all pointless, but he couldn’t stop it. This dread that followed him like a looming cloud. It would never go away, and he just has to accept that.
"I want to see him one last time... just one more minute..."
A stupid wish he made really, he thought to himself after the words slipped out of his mouth. It would never come true. There was no way to make it come true, but the boy, like everyone else, was allowed to dream.