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Jax couldn't believe his ears.
He was about to join the others, Pomni, Gangle, and Zooble, at the couches, to spend some time together.
Then he heard it.
“I don't know. I kinda like him when he's like that. It's a lot nicer that's for sure.”
Of course it was Zooble saying that.
His cheeks heated up, and he had to blink away a few tears. He couldn't believe Zooble would say that. Thinking about it, he could believe. But saying it? Despicable.
Was he really only tolerable when he was a pants-wetting baby? At his most embarrassing state.
Was he that bad? Did any of his friends even like him?
Jax spun around in his tracks, not hearing the rest of the conversation. He shoved over Kinger, who was on his way to join the others.
If they hated him that much, maybe he should just hide off in his room. Then nobody would have to deal with how horrible he was to hang out with.
After Jax left, Kinger picked himself up, brushing the dust off of his coat as he walked up to join the others.
Pomni seemed a bit concerned. “Was that Jax?”
Kinger nodded. “He seemed quite angry. I thought he was going to come here with me, but he seemed determined to leave.”
“Do you think he heard you?” Pomni's eyebrows furrowed worriedly.
-
Zooble held up their hand hesitantly, getting ready to knock on Jax’s door. While Jax could get quite annoying, maybe Pomni had been right about how hurtful it would be to hear someone say they only liked them when they acted like a child.
They knocked quietly.
No response.
They knocked harder this time.
A loud “Go away!” was heard.
Zooble sighed. This wasn't going to be quick, would it?
They turned the knob on the door. It opened a small bit, but was quickly slammed shut. An ear piercing screech was heard, then the sound of something large moving.
When Zooble tried the door again, it didn't budge. Jax must have shoved something in front of it.
Jax repeated himself, louder this time. “Go away! I don't need to hear your bull%$!# when I'm in my room!”
Zooble sighs, sliding down to the floor. They leaned against the door.
“I came here to apologize.”
The repeated “go away” quieted.
Zooble takes the moment to speak.
“You just, you're less mean when you're all small like that. It's nice to have a Jax that will listen to me when I say the pranks are too much.”
It's quiet for a beat.
Then Jax says something, very quietly.
Zooble has to ask him to speak up.
Jax repeats himself, voice still muffled a bit. “I'm sorry.”
There's a loud shoving noise. Jax must have moved the door block.
Zooble turns the knob slowly.
-
Jax was hiding in the corner of his room, knees hugged to his chest.
The tip of the thumb on his glove was lodged in his mouth, he was chewing on it. Quiet tears dripped down his cheeks.
He hated crying. Crying was weak, babyish. He hated regressing sometimes. He lost all of his good ideas for pranks. He could barely come up with an insult when he was small.
It was embarrassing really, being small. When he thought about it afterwards he was ashamed. He was 22 years old, he was an adult. He wasn't some baby.
But people seemed to like him better that way.
That seemed to hurt more than the embarrassment did.
It was horrible, having to ask someone for help changing his clothes because he had wet himself like a baby. All because his fingers were too fumbly to undo the buttons.
Did people really like him like that?
He wished he could control it sometimes. Turn it on and off like a switch. It felt like he always felt small at the worst times.
Though, any time was the worst time. Anytime he hugged Ragatha or colored with Gangle was horrible.
The only thing worse than him being touchy with those losers was when he acted like even more of a loser than them.
Pomni did the same thing sometimes. She understood a little bit. She knew how it felt to have to have someone else care for you. To be unable to do basic things on your own.
Jax was glaring at the floor. Zooble stood in front of him. They seemed unsure what to do.
The two sat in silence for a good minute or so.
There was a heavy cloud creeping at the edges of Jax's mind and a burning behind his eyes.
He was fighting the urge to fully put his thumb in his mouth, his body yearning for the comfort of his pacifier.
Another thing he hated. That plastic thing Ragatha brought to him one day. Apparently Pomni had one. Rags said it helped calm her down from her occasional bouts of panic.
So she thought he needed one? So what if it was relaxing, or calming? It was childish. He didn't need it like Pomni did.
She acted like a baby.
He was amazed how easily she did it. How simple it was for her to let the fog take over her mind, to let the others care for her.
She would fall asleep in their arms, drink from a bottle while being held by one of them.
Jax felt like he would die if he let someone feed him.
So why did he feel so jealous when it happened?
Zooble cleared their throat, pulling Jax out of his thoughts.
The cloud was covering his mind, and tears were flowing down his cheeks. His thumb was fully in his mouth. When did that happen?
“I'm… gonna go get Ragatha.”
Zooble seemed all too eager to leave. They must have seen how pathetic he was. How vulnerable, how small. Was it that easy to tell? People seemed to read him like a book when he was regressed, a large contrast to how well he hid his emotions when big.
Why was it that he couldn't hide them now?
Ragatha rushed into the room, crouching down to his level. Something about tears seemed to panic her. He didn't know why it would, he seemed to cry all the time when he was like this. Shouldn't she be used to it by now?
Pomni was peeking around his door, seeming to have followed Ragatha.
Great, now he had an audience for his humiliation.
While his adult brain wanted to be left alone, the infant running his brain wanted nothing more than to be held.
He gave up on fighting it.
There was no use, his brain needed a release. And somehow, this was his non-chosen stress outlet.
He leaned into Ragatha's arms, opening his mouth when he felt her press a pacifier to it.
The rhythmic sucking seemed to slow down his racing thoughts, giving him a break from them, even if for just a moment.
“We're talking about this when you're big.”
He hoped they wouldn't have to.