Chapter Text
Penelope did not know how long she had been trapped on the island—days, months, years. All she knew was that from the moment the sun went up to the moment the sun went down, she would find a place in the sand to rest her sad, tired soul. And then, looking out towards the horizon, she would allow the swelling tears in her eyes to finally pour out into the yellow ground beneath her as she only dreamed of going back home.
So now the question was, why was she changing her daily routine?
When she had awoken that evening, she did not even turn to look at the man whom she had been sharing a bed with. She knew the man- scratch that, the god- was no husband of hers. Her real husband was thousands of miles away along with her son. She had hated waking up every day with no one by her side during those ten long years of the Trojan War. . . but waking up every morning, with a man whom she did not love beside her, filled her heart with even more dread and longing than ever before.
Stepping out of the bed, it felt as though her body was making all the decisions for her. It was as if she was only a sad, shallow husk of her former self as she continued taking steps, one after the other, all the way till she found herself on the edge of the island. But this time there was no soft sand underneath her feet.
Only stone.
Today was a different day, and tonight was a different night. Tonight, she would take her freedom back in some sense of the word. Even if she lost her own soul in the process. She did not look out towards the horizon; Great storm clouds had covered the entirety of the sky. Maybe they were there to remind her- to torment her about the decision she had made. One she had made, all for nothing- her remaining crew had died all for nothing. She had sacrificed them for her own life, all for nothing.
All she ever heard now were screams.
" Nellie?"
Please, Penelope thought desperately. Though she did not know if she was only talking to herself, or maybe to somebody else. But she decided, at that moment, that she did not care. No one would answer her call- herself or anyone else for that matter; Not him . . . not now . . .
" All I hear are screams . . ." Penelope quietly mumbled to herself as she looked down. Below her were sharp, jagged rocks that were continuously getting hit with the rough, unmerciful nature of the salty waves formed by the sea. And all Penelope wanted was for these waves to swallow her whole .
" Nellie, my love, get away from the ledge," Antinous spoke once again, soft concern dripping from his mouth like poison. Penelope quickly spun around. Being a woman of Sparta, she had always carried a knife under her dress to protect herself from any man or woman who might be a threat to her.
Don't you dare call me that!, Penelope wanted to scream at her captor; I'm not your love, I am not your friend! And you are no sister-in-law of mine! Only Ctimene calls me Nellie!
But she did not say those things to him. She did not have the strength to tell him that like she had told him time and time again. He never listened to her before, so why would he now? He was hardly intimidated by any of her threats, whether they be verbal or physical, and didn't even flinch at her pulling a knife out on him; he was not surprised by her aggressive, anxious outbursts anymore. They had become a part of her now.
And she hated that.
"You have no idea what I've gone through!!" Penelope screamed at the god. Her body began shaking as she tried her best not to crumble to the floor and allow her wails to be heard across the ocean. She had to be strong. Just this once, she had to be strong. " You . . . have no idea what I've had to sacrifice! . . . I-I watched them all die! . . . I- . . . I-i . .."
I killed that infant;-that baby boy whom a mother once loved, Penelope wanted to continue; I spared the Cyclops and hundreds of my crew died as a result. My husband will never again see his sister because of me. It's all my fault... .
Penelope could do nothing but crumble to the ground. But instead of the rough, solid rock catching her as she had hoped, instead, it was the soft and tender grip of the man she despised most severely. The god who made her whole body tremble and ache with disgust and displeasure. She despised how gentle his touch was as he held her now.
She remembered how Antinous' hands always roamed her-grabbed her and graced her features with the most loving and chilled touch. How his soft body pressed against hers even as she pushed him away and cried for him to stop.
The kindness he showed as he defiled her body with all these acts was the part she despised the most. How he looked at her with such love and lust- such genuine longing, though all he was doing to her was abuse. Don't act as though you actually care for me!, Penelope would always think to herself; Hurt me like you mean it!
She wished he at least pretended to be malicious with his intent and mannerisms; not faun this gentle innocence; not show this love and care to her when he really only brought harm and suffering. No matter his intention, he would always only reap harm and suffering from her.
And guilt.
It brought her so much guilt.
Just the thought of Odysseus- her beloved husband, her everything- discovering the deeds she had done with another man for all this time. The look on his face when he discovered she had been unfaithful . . . she had been unfaithful to her husband. That's what she had done and now she would reap the consequences even more if she would ever be able to get off this island. Penelope felt it to be true: Hera would strike her down for all of this, would she not?
Even if the queen of the gods did no such thing, what would her husband think? What about her son? How would she ever have the courage to ever look them in the eyes- hold them, embrace them? As horrid as it was, a part of her soul felt as though it was somehow her own fault. That maybe, just maybe, if she had done something more; She should have been more stern and aggressive with Antinous; She should have said "no!" louder or stabbed him with more anger and malicious intent. Maybe then the god would have taken the hint to leave her alone.
Maybe should have stood her ground longer. She should not have allowed this man to degrade her and break her down over the years with as much ease as he did; even now she was giving in and allowing him to hold her.
She was horrible was she not? She only wished things had been different.
"ALL I HEAR ARE SCREAMS!!"
Different voices called out around her. Voices from her past; They enraptured her into a deeper pit of desperation. They felt as though they were all around her; Right next to her but also never had they ever been so far. How she wished to embrace the three of them once more. The three which tormented her spirit the most. Her sister in law was amongst them.
After all these years, not god or goddess had heard her please for help. Either that or they did not care to respond. Every day she would call out to a different one as she cried there on the shores of the island; She always held onto a ray of hope that maybe if she sobbed, begged, pleaded, then maybe they would take some form of pity on her. But her wish was never granted to her, and left her in a state worse then she was hours prior in the early time of that morning.
Antinous continued to speak, though his words would continue to fall on deaf ears. Penelope kept her eyes still focused on the water now as she sat there; This god holding her close to his chest still remained there along with a cloak of guilt and shame that had draped over her she could not remember how long ago; It was as if it had always been there as far as she could recall.
" Please . . . " Penelope mumbled out. It took everything in her to choke back the sob that had begun to form in her throat. Her voice became slightly louder " Just let me close my eyes!!!"
Just let me die!, Is what Penelope truly wanted to say; Let my body become one with the rocks and water! Allow my soul to have no more earthly torment!