Chapter Text
Andrew,
This is a difficult letter to write, and I am sorry to be writing it. You do not have to read till the end.
The Master used to have Riko and me go over players worth investing in and bring him a list by the end of March. We had been doing this since we were teenagers—because this was an important skill to develop young—but the first year we did this while on the team ourselves was the year I came across your file. You were a nobody from Columbia with no awards, no recognitions, no real profile to your name. Your game was subpar in that it had the potential to be exceptional but you lacked even an ounce of motivation or effort to make it exceptional. You were a shot in the dark at best—hell, you learnt to play in prison. And yet, there was something in the way you played that made me stop and put your name at the top of my list. I was betting against long odds, but I lost in a way I could never have seen coming, because, despite receiving an offer to join the best team in Class I exy, you refused to become a Raven. You proceeded to join the Foxes. I knew then that that was the pinnacle of idiocy, because the Ravens would have been able to build you into the best goalkeeper in the game, and you chose instead to go build a nest at rock bottom. Of course, you became the best anyway, and I see now that although the Ravens would have built you up, they would have broken you first. Rarely do things need to be broken down and reassembled in order to become stronger. I was supposed to be one of those rare things. Clearly, I wasn’t. I forgot the difference between strong and dangerous. When you break glass, it doesn’t become stronger, but it does make you bleed.
I understood only recently that everything that touches me bleeds. But we’ll get to that in a minute.
Exy. It’s all about exy. It always has been. Since the moment I was born, it’s all been for the game. I was born the son of exy, raised the prince of exy. And did you know they call me the queen of exy now? [something is crossed out] There was never anything else, and I never thought there needed to be. There was a time when I was assistant coach when Nicky went on a tirade about how I “need love”, and that “exy can’t love me back”. Well, what would Nicky know? And Exy did love me back. It needed me just as I needed it. But then, I didn’t play for a year, and the championship went on anyway, and the Ravens won anyway. Exy didn’t stop for me, because something divine cannot stop for something human. And I am something human. The queen may be the deadliest piece on the board, but it is still a piece on the board.
For the rest of you, this was never in question. Exy is not everything for you. I thought it was everything for Neil, but I see now that it was not, or if it was for a while, it is not anymore. For one thing, he has you. I suppose I had Jean, but that was back when he had me, too, and now he has something better. The only other person whose life was always as directed as mine w [something is violently scribbled out] was Riko.
I know how this will sound, but I am afraid exy might not be enough. Now I will go back to my point about everything that touches me bleeding. You, in protecting me, bled. Neil, in staying for me, bled. Jean, in being left behind by me, bled.
Years ago, you and I made a deal. You promised to protect me, and you did. You did. I promised to find you something to live for, and I think I did too. But somewhere along the way, while finding you Neil and finding Neil hope, I lost that something for myself. Do you understand what I’m saying?
I think I’ve known what I need to do for a while now. I’ve just been too much of a coward to do it. But if there’s anything I’ve learnt from you and Neil—and from the rest of you—it is that at some point, you have to take a stand. [something is scratched out] So I hope you will see this, rightly, as me finally taking a stand.
You’re not a fool, Andrew. I am sure you are as aware as I that this has been a long time coming. Do not waste your time feeling sorry for anything.
Thank you.
Your friend,
Kevin
Dear Jeremy,
The first thing you need to do when you get this is make sure that Jean is not alone. Do that now, please. No matter what he says, do not leave him alone. It doesn’t matter if he says he needs space or needs some time to himself. You will not leave him alone. Thank you.
Okay. Hello. I hope you are doing well. I wanted to thank you for a lot of things, but mainly for always being the one part of my life that’s always felt removed from the darker ones. I tried my best to keep you away from my life at the Nest. I assume you know more about that now—I hope you do, in fact, because I want Jean to feel safe talking to you—so you’ll have enough context to understand why I have to do this.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better friend to you. You were always more than anything I could begin to deserve. But Jean deserves the world, and you’re as close to that as it can get. All I ask is that after he loses me, you will not let him lose you too. I don’t know how many more heartbreaks he can take. Jean knows how to endure, but [something is scribbled out; it is possible to make out the words ‘promise’ and ‘broken’] it will be difficult. I do not know if he will read the letter I wrote him, so make sure he knows I love him, and make sure he knows I’m sorry.
Don’t bother trying to reach me. I’m turning my phone off as soon as I post all of these. And again, thank you.
Your friend,
Kevin Day
Cher Jean,
Je sais que ce n’est rien qui apologie ce faire mieux, ni excuse ni raison. Je sais aussi que c'est trop hypocrite de moi à t'expecter à garder ta promesse après ça. Mais je t'implore, garde ça.
Je n'ai jamais voulu te quitter. Pas avant [something is scratched out] et pas maintenant. Je suis tellement, tellement désolé d’en arriver là, mais vous devez comprendre que je n’avais pas le choix. Je promets que si je pouvais faire quelque chose différemment, je le ferais.
Jean, tu sais maintenant ce que c'est d'être aimé comme il faut. Qu'est-ce que ça fait d'être pris en charge par quelqu'un qui n'exige rien en retour. Je t'aime et je tiens à toi plus que je ne peux l'exprimer, mais tu ne mérites pas ce manque d'expression. Vous méritez, et avez toujours mérité, les meilleurs et les plus brillants, et je ne peux que vous donner ceci. (Imaginez je montre mon doigt à moi-même quand je dis « ceci ».) Ne me laissez pas vous échouer une dernière fois. Ne laissez pas cela vous briser le moral. Je t'aime.
Le vôtre, depuis toujours et pour toujours aussi,
Kevin
[Translation:
Dear Jean,
I know that nothing can make this better, neither excuse nor apology. I also know it's hypocritical of me to expect you to keep your promise after this. But I implore you, keep it.
I never wanted to leave you. Not before [something is scratched out] and not now. I am so, so sorry it has come to this, but you have to understand that I had no choice. I promise if I could do anything differently, I would.
Jean, you now know what it is to be loved well, and how it feels to be cared for by someone who demands nothing in return. I love you and care for you more than I can express, but you don't deserve this lack of expression. You deserve, and always have, the best and the brightest, and I can only give you this. (Imagine I point my finger at myself when I say "this.") Don't let me fail you this last time. Don't let this break your spirit. I love you.
Yours, forever and for always still,
Kevin]
Aaron,
I did not think I’d be writing this to you individually, but here we are. I can only suppose this is because you may be the only person who will understand.
I know I should hate him, and I do, I swear I do. Of course I hate him. He was a terrible person, and I know he was a terrible person, and he hurt people I care about and he hurt me, but [something is viciously scratched out]
Let’s try this again. I’m about to kill myself. You probably gathered that from the fact that I just sent you this letter, but I had to make sure. I will not bother listing the reasons as to why, but I will talk about one.
I miss Riko.
(I will not blame you if you stop reading this now.)
I miss Riko, because before he was my jailor, he was my brother. And I miss my brother. He was the first friend I ever had, and he was the one at my side when [something is scratched out; it is possible to make out the word ‘mother] I was small. He was my partner. We were everything to each other, until we weren’t. And I know he had a choice. He could have been better. We could have been better. It should never have happened this way. And God, I miss the person he could have been.
The problem, obviously, isn’t that he’s dead. It’s that I’m trying to grieve him. How do you mourn for a monster? You don’t. You place them on a pyre and dance around the flames. You watch the smoke touch the stars and feel complete. And if someone dares object? Well, they must burn alongside them. Only a monster can mourn a monster. The enemies of my enemy are my closest friends, but my enemy was the first person I remember loving. There was a place in my heart where he used to live, and I cut out that place a long time ago. But the wound is starting to fester, and now the rot has reached my lungs. I’m tainted irrevocably by that which I couldn’t dream of forgiving.
Another reason I am writing this to you is probably that I’m not afraid of you hating me. Well. If you’ve read this far, thank you.
-Kevin Day
Neil,
I told you once that you should be Court, and I meant it. In fact, I want you to see that as my dying wish. You deserve to be happy. If one of us had to make it, I’m glad it could be you.
Your friend,
Kevin
David,
Coach,Dad,
I’m sorry. Thanks for everything. I love you.
-Kevin