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"Thanks for helping me out today," Buck says, taking a bite from the orange cranberry scone from his favourite bakery that he and Noctua are currently on the roof of. It’s open 24 hours and after the long patrol the two of them have gone through today, he’d thought that they deserved a little treat.
"I was in the area," Noctua replies breezily, taking a sip of her latte. She'd forgone any pastry, mentioning her husband having a whole truckload of them at home and not wanting to indulge even further.
Buck rolls his eyes. She always says that, even when he knows for a fact that she had been on the other side of town.
"I can sense you rolling your eyes, Peregrinus," she speaks again, and he jerks, caught off guard.
"Ah c'mon, I'm wearing a mask!" He exclaims with a huff.
"A mother always knows," is all she says in response, grinning slyly.
There it is again. That casual mention of family that Buck has always thought would be off limits. He knows she has two kids (she'd made several comments about him being her "work kid" with the amount of times she's had to save his ass), and while he doesn't know much about them, just the fact that she trusts him enough to say that much is... shocking to him.
He is still getting used to LA. The last few cities Buck had patrolled in had all had very... distinct territories and Buck had almost been stabbed by another vigilante just because he'd been one street over a boundary he hadn't even known existed.
LA is a lot more chaotic. Vigilantes interact with one another a lot more. It's... nice. In most ways.
When he first came to LA, he had gotten a little offended by the constant help he got from other vigilantes, feeling like none of them took him seriously enough. He'd felt babied and all he wanted was to prove himself.
With time, opportunity came and Noctua had been one of the first of them to give him breathing room.
He'll always be grateful to her for that.
The silence wraps around them, and he lets it wash over him, as he breathes. Noctua is one of the few people who he feels comfortable enough around to let himself be quiet. She has a steadying presence and makes him feel a lot more assured in himself.
Where normally silence is a void for his thoughts to spiral out of control and overwhelm him, with Noctua it's home. He can feel her calm spread and wash over him. If he hadn't known her power was precognition, he would've thought it was something to do with emotions or telepathy, with the way she always made him feel steady.
She has a way of just reaching into his deepest insecurities and pulling them up, exposing their roots and replacing them with reassurances that she speaks of as if they are simple truths.
He looks over now to see her standing tall, back straight, shoulders back, head held high, and just watches. He watches her hold herself in a way where even the strongest breeze couldn't knock her down.
He wonders if one day he’ll be able to have the confidence that she carries, if he’ll be able to truly believe in himself and his beliefs without any doubts.
“What’s going on in your mind, Peregru?” Noctua asks, looking over at him with a thoughtful expression. “You’ve been awfully quiet these last few nights.”
And ah. Buck should’ve expected that it’d come up sooner or later. He’s never been good at hiding his feelings.
He fidgets with the scone in his hand, crumbs scattering around and he hopes that a mouse or crow ends up finding it fruitful.
When it’s clear that Noctua is content to wait as long as it takes Buck to speak, he relents, voice quiet. “Am I a burden?”
Buck can’t see what her expression is behind her mask, but he can feel the air shift, he can feel her attention sharpen. “I don’t know who the hell ever told you otherwise, but you’re the furthest thing from a burden. You may cause a bit of trouble sometimes, but it comes from a good place.” Noctua walks over to him and points at his heart. “Just keep listening to this and it will lead you to wherever you need.”
“That’s not what Cormorant said last week,” Buck snarks, unable to help himself. He can’t really blame him for it. Buck had teleported into a burning building with no proper equipment and only the minimalist idea of where the little girl had been. It’d been stupid, reckless, and a miracle that Buck had made it out alive, let alone with the girl too. Despite Cormorant’s long lecture after that, Buck still hadn’t been able to bring himself to regret it. The girl had suffered from severe smoke inhalation. Any longer and it’s likely she wouldn’t have survived.
Noctua shifts her weight onto her left side, and Buck can imagine her unimpressed expression. Her words surprise him however. “Cormorant is always going to worry about you, Peregrine. It doesn’t matter if you’re running into burning buildings or incoming gunfire, or if you’re simply walking down a street. He…” She pauses, hesitating over her words. “He’s taken you under his wing and with that, he feels responsible for you. That does not make you a burden.”
Buck’s taken aback at the sheer matter of factness of her words. She speaks and it’s the truth. There is no room for disagreement.
“You have added so much light to that man’s life. More than you’ll ever know. He could never see you as a burden.” Despite not being able to see them, he can feel her eyes pierce into his soul. He feels exposed, all his innermost thoughts and feelings out there for her to see. He can’t bring himself to hate the feeling though, not with Noctua.
"Just because he doesn't see me as a burden, doesn't mean I'm not one." Buck fires back. He's close to believing her, but a part of him still fights against it. He's had too many people in his life tell him in one way or another that he's too much. It's gotten past a simple pattern. It is just the truth.
"Have I ever lied?" Noctua asks suddenly, and Buck feels like he's been jumpscared with a pop quiz.
"What?" He asks, wary of answering.
"Have you ever seen me lie? Has anything I ever said been bullshit?" She continues, head tilted up as she challenges him.
"No," Buck answers quickly. God, he hopes he's never given Noctua any reason to think that he thinks she's lying.
"Then believe me when I say this: You are not a burden. You have never been one and I don't see you suddenly becoming one. Cormorant and I both chose you to be on our team, we all did. It's not always going to be perfect. Teams come with conflicts, that's just how it is. But it's worth it in the end. To have a family, to have people you can trust and rely on. You're a part of our team, Peregru. Just as much as anyone else is."
And oh.
Oh .
"Thanks," Buck says, suddenly choking up at the thought of actually belonging somewhere. If only younger him could see him now.
Buck can hear the smile in her voice when she says, "Anytime. If you ever have doubts, don't be afraid to come talk to me about them. Or Cormorant for that matter. I know he'd be the first to deny that you're a burden."
Buck nods, hands fidgeting with the scone again and he takes a bite of it. He knows she's right.
He knows that Cormorant is always ready to listen and to offer support. Buck just... feels bad always going to him. Sometimes he wants to be able to figure things out himself.
There's a buzz on Noctua's wrist watch and she looks down at it, quickly reading whatever message is on there, before looking back up at Buck. "That's my cue. You going to be alright getting home?"
Buck rolls his eyes, not even bothering to hide the movement from her this time. "Yeah, yeah. You do know I am an adult, right?"
"That's never stopped you before." She says, and then she's repelling down the building with a grappling hook before he can say anything else.
Buck laughs despite himself, and shoves the rest of the scone in his mouth before making his way home.