Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Now," Stede said bravely, giving Ed's hand a comforting squeeze, "what we're about to do will be perilous!"

Ed nodded seriously. "Very perilous!"

"But as long as I've got my Ed -"

"And as long as I've got my Stede -"

"We're gonna be okay." Stede raised Ed's hand to his lips, brushing a kiss across his knuckles, a sweet little gesture that Stede did at every opportunity and still sent Ed's tummy flip-flopping. "Now…last one has to unpack the first load of boxes!"

Ed yelped, scrambling to undo his seatbelt as Stede hurtled out of the car and rushed down the lawn to their new home.

Fuck, Ed thought as he caught up to Stede in front of the porch and they shared a kiss that was no less a delightful surprise than their first one months ago, that still felt so crazy to even think. Ed Teach, moving in to his own home with his boyfriend - no, his fiancé! How wild was that?

Honestly, Ed wouldn't have even believed it of himself until he met Stede. He'd learned a lot about himself during the months they'd been dating. Stede was the whole reason Ed was here, and no doubt about that. No one else would've been able to put the idea into Ed's head that maybe it was time for punk-rock legend Ed "Blackbeard" Teach to retire.

Stede whirled him around on the lawn to snap a selfie of them for their friends, Stede's arms wrapped around Ed's middle with Ed leaning back into his chest, the two of them making a heart with their hands. That did make Ed's heart clench, a bit. One of the cool things about spending huge chunks of his entire adult life in tour busses meant that he was rarely more than a hotel room away from the closest people in his life - or, well, the people who he'd honestly been stubbornly refusing to allow to grow truly close to him before Stede came along.

Lots of changes. Most of them for the better.

But he couldn't deny it was a little sad to know that he wouldn't be seeing Fang and Ivan any time soon for the first time in, like, almost thirty years. At least Fang lived pretty close, his hometown was only about an hour away, but Ivan would be on the other side of the country. Ed already felt a strange kind of homesickness knowing that when legendary punk band Queen Anne's Revenge went on tour again, it would be the first time Ed wasn't along for the ride in Fang's beat-up old tour bus.

It was all for the best. Ed had desperately needed to leave that life behind him; the rockstar lifestyle and expectations to be Blackbeard had been making him miserable for a long damn time. Stede desperately needed to build a new life for himself for the first time, far away from his shithead father and the expectations of the life he'd had before.

"Hey," Stede grinned, slipping his phone back into his pocket, tearing Ed from his thoughts. "Are you ready?"

Ed smiled, turning to look behind them at their new home. They'd both really wanted a house near the beach, and this one was in a quiet little neighborhood only a ten-minute walk away from a local public beach. It was practically in their backyard! Sure, they'd compromised a bit to get such a good location, and the house was older, definitely a bit of a fixer-upper…

But it was theirs.

Ed took Stede's hand. "Ready."

Then Stede put his foot on the porch steps, about to lead Ed up, and his foot went clean through.

They blinked down at it. The porch boards did look pretty old.

"That's the first thing on the list," Stede said cheerfully, yanking his foot free. "Hold still, Ed!"

That was all the warning Ed got before Stede got one hand around his back and bent smoothly to pick him up, scooping him right up into his arms like Ed weighed nothing at all, and Ed's worries flew right away as he got to delight in feeling Stede's strong arms.

"Babe," Ed giggled, tucking his face into Stede's chest.

"Gotta make sure you don't fall through the porch," Stede said as he carried him to the door. "I'm being very chivalrous."

"Oh, do you think you've earned a kiss?"

"Maybe even several."

Ed pressed a kiss to Stede's cheek. "My hero."

Stede was his hero, he thought. Ed wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him, in more ways than one. He never would've been able to choose to start this new life if it wasn't for Stede.

And it was going to be amazing. It had to be amazing. There was simply no other way it could possibly turn out, other than perfect.

Stede bridal-carried Ed into their new home, carefully depositing him over the threshold, and Ed thought it struck both of them what an enormous task this was going to be.

Their home was a charming three-bedroom, an older house that would need new paint and updated appliances and a healthy dose of elbow grease to fix up the grody stains and mats on the old carpets. The wiring was old, and they'd need to get an electrician in to see if anything needed replaced or rewired. Stede wanted to redo the kitchen and the master bathroom, both of which he'd described when they toured the house as terribly boring. They'd obviously have to check the porch's structural integrity, make sure it was safe and install a railing before Stede's kids or Ed's mama came to visit.

But even more than the basic to-do list, everything looked so…empty.

Without the show furniture that had been in here when they'd visited, the house felt a bit like an empty shell. Boxes full of their things had arrived the day before with the moving van, currently sitting in a sort of daunting mountain in the living room, but Ed had spent most of his life living out of a backpack, so he didn't have much besides the essentials in the backpack sitting by the door. He was pretty sure that most of Stede's boxes were clothes, too…

They'd need to buy couches, and lamps, and a TV, and coasters, holy fuck, Ed had never needed to buy fucking coasters before -

"Ed, sweet pea, you need to breathe."

Ed felt his shoulders relax as Stede gently cupped his cheek in his palm, and Ed lifted his hand to cover Stede's, lacing their fingers together. He took an exaggeratedly deep breath, then another. "I'm okay."

Stede raised an eyebrow, smiling sympathetically. "What freaked you out?"

"I just…" Ed shrugged one shoulder, chuckling at himself. "We need to buy coasters."

"I love you, you nut," Stede laughed, dropping a kiss to Ed's forehead before he pulled him on into the house. "I know it's a bit of a fixer-upper. But it's got good bones, don't you think?"

"Good bones, yeah," Ed nodded, pursing his lips up at the loose bits of paneling along the ceiling. "Love that."

The funny thing was…he and Stede had been dating for months, they were newly engaged, and this was the first time they'd actually be able to carve out their own space together and live with each other properly. When they'd first gotten together, it had been during a bit of an emotional time, to say the least. They'd had a lot of changes the past few months. They'd stayed with each other at Ed's mama's house, in hotel rooms, on the tour bus…but never really in their own space.

It kind of scared Ed, a bit, if he was being honest. Funny, that their relationship had never actually had to weather stability before.

They'd officially moved into their home pretty late in the evening, and Ed liked how the big windows in the kitchen lit the whole house up pink at sunset. It was nice. He must've been being a bit quiet, though, as they got ready for bed, ceremoniously setting their toothbrushes up next to each other in the sink and settling in to sleep in sleeping bags pulled side-by-side on the floor in their new bedroom, because Stede was getting quiet, too.

"I'm sorry the bedframe won't get here until tomorrow," Stede said, struggling to get both his legs oriented right inside his sleeping bag.

"It's fine." Ed zipped his bag around himself as close as possible until he felt like a snug little caterpillar. Their to-do list couldn't get him in here.

"You're being really quiet," Stede said after a moment. "Is it - do you not want to turn that corner of the living room into a reading nook?"

"Nah, I think that's a great idea," Ed hurried to reassure him.

"Oh."

"I just…" Ed shook his head. "I can't do this. I'm coming into your sleeping bag."

"Ed, I don't know if you'll fit," Stede warned as Ed unzipped his bag and started to squirm inside of Stede's. "You'll - ouch, Ed, that was my liver!"

Ed did fit. Barely.

"This is actually better," Stede said, pressed tight together, Ed's head resting on his shoulder, one of Stede's arms sticking out of the sleeping bag to make room. "I don't know if I can sleep anymore without cuddling you."

"Yeah. Same." Ed wriggled a hand up under Stede's t-shirt, just enjoying the warmth of his skin, the steady beat of Stede's heart under his palm. "I just, uh. I don't know if I know how to have a home. What if I fuck it up?"

"You couldn't," Stede said easily. "This can be whatever we want it to be, Ed."

Stede was right, Ed thought. They'd both needed this. They were ready for it. It was finally theirs! They were making a home and building a life together!

There was nothing to be worried about.

"Hey, Stede?"

"Mm," Stede mumbled, his eyes already closed. "Yeah?"

"This is gonna be great."

Stede tried to give Ed a sleepy kiss, mostly mouthing along his jaw. "It's going to be perfect."

Chapter Text

The to-do list just kept on getting bigger and bigger.

They woke up late on their first morning in their new home, the long drive and months of being on tour catching up to them, and Stede could hardly believe what a precious, precious gift this was. Their second-floor bedroom had a high window set up into the wall, and Stede could just see the ocean glittering in the sun over the tops of the trees outside. At times like this, when the world felt very quiet, he thought he was just able to hear the sound of the waves in the distance.

That was the first and only time that Stede wasn't thinking about the expansive to-do list all day long. He wasn't looking forward to how busy the day was going to be, his back was stiff, and he had an awful crick in his neck from sleeping on the floor, but the sight of Ed cuddled up in his sleeping bag with him made it all feel very unimportant. Ed was clinging to him like a koala in his sleep, his cheek smushed adorably against Stede's chest. Stede reached out, gently wiping a smudge of drool from Ed's bottom lip.

"Mmf," Ed whined, hiding his face in Stede's chest. "Don't wanna."

"Our backs won't thank us if we sleep any longer, love."

Ed raised his head, his face adorably grumpy, his hair starting to come out of the braid he'd put it in before bed. "Kiss?"

That was a request Stede could never deny, and he kissed Ed until they realized that they both actually really had to pee, and giggled so hard trying to untangle from each other and their sleeping bags that Stede had to yelp at Ed to "stop making me laugh, you're gonna make me pee on you!" multiple times. Ed found that really funny for some reason, the bastard.

Stede wished he could just spend all day finally enjoying having peace and quiet alone time with his husband, especially since Ed looked so cute when he got dressed in an old oversized Queen Anne's t-shirt and sweatpants, his pair of bunny slippers on his feet for walking around the house in. He wished he could just bundle Ed up in a blanket, snuggle up on the couch, and spend the day cuddling and watching movies and enjoying alone time with each other now that they finally had each other all to themselves.

But they didn't even have a couch yet. Another item on the to-do list.

Fortunately, the mail delivery that morning had brought a stack of flat-packed packages laid out on their porch, containing their new bedframe, mattress, dressers, entertainment center, and dining set. It was an important start to furnishing their home, and Stede had always enjoyed putting together furniture. There was just something so satisfying about following all the directions and seeing it come out nice.

Unfortunately, Ed didn't have the same affection for it.

While Stede worked on getting their bedframe together, he asked Ed to work on the dining set. He had his heart set on being able to enjoy dinner at their brand-new kitchen table that night.

But when he came back downstairs after getting the bedframe assembled, he found Ed looking up pictures of chairs on his phone "for reference," and the single chair he'd managed to put together had every single leg sticking out at a different direction.

"I'm really sorry," Ed sighed, slipping his phone back into his pocket. "I'm not very good at this shit."

"Well, clearly!" Stede huffed, pulling off the instruction sheet that was still taped to the box. "Did you think the instructions were just there for fun? I wish you'd have told me if you weren't going to take this seriously!"

If Ed had just done his job, then the dining set probably already could've been finished! They could be snuggling right now, but now Stede would need to waste even more time fixing Ed's mistake!

"I was taking it seriously." Ed pursed his lips, looking down at the chair. "I didn't mean to -"

"Here, I'll do it." Stede made a point of unfolding the instruction sheet, a bit too focused on getting these things done to worry about Ed standing next to him anxiously knocking his bunny slippers together.

There was just so much to do before they could actually enjoy living together.

Putting together the furniture should've been the easy part. They also had to call their friend Pete, who was a carpenter, for his opinion on whether the porch was worth salvaging or just rebuilding from scratch. Every room in the house needed repainted. They still needed so much, from basic appliances to kitchen utensils. They'd both been so excited to find a home by the sea, but they had to worry about tropical storms now, and Stede would prefer they get the house ready for those before they needed it. He wanted to install storm shutters on the windows,reinforce the roof as they went, since were getting most of it replaced anyway, maybe talk to someone about getting flood-proofing on the ground floor, and it was probably worth buying a generator now, just in case they ever lost power…

Stede realized as he was putting the finishing touches on the chair's legs (now all facing the correct directions) that Ed was being very quiet. He could hear him puttering around in the kitchen, the occasional shift and shuffle of boxes, but he wasn't making any noise other than little sighs. It made his heart clench, thinking about how a happy Ed was usually humming or laughing or talking to himself.

Suddenly, Stede was ashamed of himself.

The to-do list and everything on it was less important than the reason why those needs existed. This was supposed to be something for them, something to bring them even closer together. A completed list of chores was nothing compared to making sure Ed felt safe and happy and loved.

It hit Stede full in the chest, then. What if he just wasn't cut out for this?

It wasn't like his first marriage had been any good. True, he and Mary were just fundamentally incompatible people, and he'd been so miserable and caught up in how he was pinned under his father's thumb that he hadn't been a very present father or husband. But ever since he and Mary had split, ever since he'd realized he was gay…he'd kind of been letting himself coast by on the excuse that that would never have been able to work. That was true, it still was, but…

Maybe he just wasn't meant to be a husband. He had the most amazing fiancé in the world, and he'd just snapped at him over furniture. He had this wonderful, precious man, who loved him back, and here he was, being terrible to him.

No. Fuck this. Stede had told Ed before: even if every marriage in the world was doomed to fail except for one, they would be that one. He and Ed were going to be okay, even if Stede had to bend reality with his bare hands to make sure it was true.

With a nod, Stede got up, tossed the tools down onto the floor, and marched into the kitchen.

Ed was sorting through a box full of floral-patterned mixing bowls and cookware that his mama had sent to them as a housewarming present, and he still looked a bit distant, but he smiled when Stede entered the room.

"Hey, babe," he said, his voice still a bit quieter than usual. "I'm sorry again about the chair -"

Stede gently took his face in his hands and kissed him, as deep as he could, praying that it conveyed even a fraction of the love he had for the precious man in his arms.

"I don't care about the chair," Stede said as soon as they parted, giving Ed one last peck in apology. "I'm sorry I fussed. I think I was just stressed."

"Nah, I get it," Ed said after a moment, sticking his lower lip out a bit to entice Stede to give him another little kiss. "I should've read the instructions. I just - I dunno, I have trouble following along with them."

That made sense, now Stede was taking a few seconds to think about it instead of just assuming Ed was wasting time on purpose. Ed was easily bored by fiddly tasks, and had trouble focusing on boring texts to the point that the instructions for putting furniture together had probably just been confusing and frustrating for him. Stede couldn't blame him for trying to wing it.

But. Stede was really good at following instructions and putting furniture together. And Ed, to his credit, was already clearly much better at getting boxes unpacked and things put away than Stede was. Where Stede tended to get overwhelmed and annoyed with unpacking, Ed had already got the kitchenware neatly put away in the cabinets, organized and sorted beautifully.

"Okay," Stede said. "I'm going to put the furniture together, and you can get started on unpacking."

Ed tilted his head, frowning. "But shouldn't I be helping you?"

"I think it's well past time we played to our strengths," Stede grinned, giving Ed a pat on the butt as he sent him on his way.

And yeah, this was better.

Ed happily called observations and comments to Stede as he worked, and it made Stede smile just to listen to Ed's ideas and thoughts and the silly songs he made up while he worked. They didn't have to both be good at the same things! That was why there was two of them, they could pick up the slack for each other!

"Damn, man," Ed laughed on his way past when he saw that Stede was already almost done with their kitchen table. "If I'd known how good you were at this handyman shit, I'd have wanted to kiss you even sooner."

"You kissed me the day we met."

"Yeah," Ed said, giving him a significant once-over, "I know. Can't blame me for flirting with you a little bit, can you?"

"No - that wasn't flirting!" Stede accidentally dropped his hex key in surprise. "Was it?"

Ed affectionately grabbed Stede's bicep, winking at him as he gave it a squeeze. "Babe, do you think I agree to 'practice kiss' with every hot guy I meet? Yeah, it was flirting."

"We were practice kissing, though!" Stede pouted. "I had a lot of gay life experiences to learn!"

"Yeah, well, I was also sucking on your fingers in the middle of an airport terminal, so -"

Stede's mouth fell open. "That was flirting? I thought you were just being friendly!"

"Never change, babe," Ed laughed, getting him back for the earlier ass-slap with a squeeze to Stede's butt, and Stede smiled after him as he went.

The to-do list was still very long. They still had so much to do.

But everything felt a lot more manageable, a lot closer to right, when their home was full of laughter.

Chapter Text

That Sunday was their first true "lazy day" since moving into their home, and Ed was fully expecting to spend it luxuriating in having nothing to do. Not "nothing to do" as in "oh, man, so bored, there's nothing going on" but as in he was specifically planning on doing nothing, and ideally all day long.

Their first few days after moving in had just been so busy. They'd had a very technical call with their friend Pete about the house's structural integrity that had soon gotten a bit over their heads and had progressed to them just driving to a local home renovation business and having them talk to Pete over the phone. Ed had gotten as far into the unpacking as he could without having the bookshelves put together just yet. Things inside the house were definitely coming along, but Ed wanted them to hit up a few thrift stores to see if they could score furniture and home decor stuff on the cheap to start to liven up the place, and Stede wanted to have all the rooms done up in a fresh coat of paint by the end of the week.

They hadn't even had time to properly christen their new bed!

So that Sunday, he thought, they were going to take the day and just relax. They'd snuggle on the couch they'd spent hours negotiating through the front door. They'd make time to cook a proper meal instead of just being so tired they ordered takeout for the fifth night in a row. They'd enjoy getting to spend time together after it was starting to feel that the process of moving was quickly becoming another very tangible presence in their relationship.

That morning, they'd woken up in their new bed, and Ed had been relieved to have nothing to do but just giggle and snuggle and kiss all morning. He was excited at the thought that the rest of his life was going to be like this.

But then Stede looked at him, his stupid adorable face crinkling with his smile, his eyes so soft and affectionate, so much love just radiating from him that Ed could barely stand to look him in the eye…

And when Stede said "I was thinking we could go visit the animal shelter today," a lot of things happened in Ed's brain all at once.

His first, knee-jerk reaction was, honestly, to be a bit upset about the mere suggestion. He couldn't think of anything he wanted less in his life than a pet. Another thing to take up more of Stede's time that should've been given to Ed? Another thing to add to their shopping lists, and take up space, and make messes? Stede knew Ed liked things to be tidy - he didn't want to deal with dog hair or a cat's litter box in his house!

And, like - didn't Stede know Ed well enough to know he wouldn't want that?

Was Stede going to be angry with him for saying no?

Ed made a sort of squeaking noise. "What did you just say?"

Stede had been smiling, but his face fell so abruptly that it made Ed's chest hurt. "Oh," he said, quickly looking away, up at the ceiling. "It's - it's stupid, I should've known you wouldn't want to. Just another stupid idea."

"You really want a pet?" Ed pursed his lips, anxiously drumming his fingers where they were resting along Stede's hip. "Why?"

"I've always wanted a dog," Stede shrugged, still not meeting Ed's eyes. "My - uh. It's dumb."

"Aww, babe," Ed sighed, gently nudging Stede's arm. "It's not dumb. I wanna hear about it. I asked for a reason, yeah?"

Stede reluctantly returned Ed's smile. "I almost had a dog when I was thirteen. One of my favorite uncles brought me a puppy for Christmas that year, I was ecstatic."

Ed squeezed Stede's hip. He was scared he knew where this was going.

"His name was Roger - short for Jolly Roger - and he was the first real friend I've ever had," Stede went on, his voice shaking slightly. "For…about a week, I think. My father got rid of him while I was at school. I never learned who he gave him to."

"I'm so sorry, man," Ed said, his heart breaking. "Why did…?"

"He said it was because of the mess," Stede shrugged, making Ed's heart sink, "but I think it was just because he could see how much I loved that dog, Ed, honestly. I've always had this dream of getting another puppy once I could, but Mary was allergic, so…"

Well. Fuck. Shit fucking damn it.

Ed felt, honestly, backed into a corner.

First - he didn't feel like he could tell Stede no for the same reason his shitty dad had used to take away Stede's childhood pet in the first place. That was just…like, cartoonishly evil. He was glad as fuck he hadn't said his first thoughts out loud.

Second…Ed couldn't take this dream away from Stede.

Stede already had to compromise on so much for Ed. He had to put up with annoying paparazzi and stupid phone calls from people trying to score an interview with Blackbeard. He had to put up with spending months of their relationship on tour.

Stede had to deal with Ed's erratic moods. He had to put up with Ed's baggage. He had to manage Ed when he was too stupid and distractable to put a fucking chair together right. He'd have to spend weeks, now, dealing with Ed while they fixed up the house and made it theirs.

Hell, Stede was even having to compromise on the food they kept in the house. Ed had mentioned wanting to keep Kosher properly, now that he was settled down and things were stable for the first time in his life, and Stede had immediately just accepted that he wasn't going to be able to keep bacon or frozen crab cakes or popcorn shrimp anymore to avoid any cross-contamination in the fridge. Stede loved popcorn shrimp, and he was just giving it up without a second thought to keep Ed comfortable.

He had to put up with so much for Ed. The least Ed could do was compromise himself, right?

Ed took a deep breath, wondering how much he would regret this later.

"Wouldn't hurt to take a look," he said.

And that was how Ed found himself yanked from his warm bed and stepping into the local animal shelter before noon that day.

Ed had been kind of hoping that the animal shelter would be one with stricter adoption policies, but it was a small town and the place seemed to often be overcrowded, so the nice lady at the front desk told them it was a flat fifty-dollar fee for all dogs, they came with their routine shots and spayed or neutered, and they could walk out today with a dog if they found one they liked.

It was a bit overwhelming.

"Full disclosure," Ed winced as they stepped into the kennels, "I've never been an animal person."

The smell! The barking!

But before he could even complain, he caught sight of Stede's face.

Stede was kneeling by the very first kennel on the way down the run, cooing at a handful of generic mixed-breed puppies, his entire face lit up with his smile.

Ed's complaints died on his tongue. Stede looked so happy.

"What do you think, Ed?" Stede asked over his shoulder. "Honest opinion?"

Stepping closer, Ed looked down at the puppies. They were very little, pitbull/lab mixes judging by the sign hanging from the kennel, and they were kinda just your standard dogs, as far as he could tell. Cute enough, but they didn't really appeal to him.

"I can tell," Stede said, straightening up to bonk his elbow against Ed's, "that you're about to just say whatever you think I want to hear. I'm onto you, Teach. Honest opinion."

Ed hesitated, but Stede pinched his butt cheek, making him yelp. If Stede wanted him to be honest…

"They're cute," Ed said, mostly to soften the blow. "But if we're actually doing this, I don't want a little puppy. I want something that's gonna be already house-trained, or at least one that's old enough to get it easier without us having to clean up messes all the time."

"That's fair enough," Stede said, shrugging easily. "And with an older dog, you already know what kind of personality and potential issues we're dealing with! Good thinking, Ed!"

Ed preened, winning himself a kiss.

"Go look around," Stede encouraged him. "See if there are any you like."

Wandering around the kennels, Ed was beginning to think they may be able to get out of here without a dog, if his luck held out. Stede was clearly having a great time looking at all the dogs, but he wasn't spending a lot of time at any of the kennels.

Ed was just about to ask if Stede was ready to leave when he spotted movement at the back of one of the kennels he'd already passed, assuming it was empty.

"Oh, hello," he mumbled, kneeling down to a crouch beside the cage on instinct.

There wasn't a sign on this kennel, and in the very back, blending in with the shadows, was a pure black dog with long, fluffy fur and big pointy ears. It had big brown eyes and an endearing furrow between its little eyebrows that made it look wary and thoughtful, and Ed…

Dammit, Ed was gone.

Very slowly, trying not to scare the dog, Ed stuck his fingers through the wire of the kennel. The dog extended its neck, cautiously sniffing Ed's fingers with its cool nose before licking Ed's fingertips in a dart of pink tongue.

"Hey, Ed?" Stede poked his head around the corner. "Are you ready to leave? I don't think -"

"Stede," Ed said softly, waving him over, "I like this one."

When they walked back into the front office to ask about the black dog - Stede said it looked like a German shepherd mix - they were actually told they "might not want that one." Apparently, the dog was about two years old, and he'd already been returned to the shelter five times.

That made Ed nervous. He really didn't want an aggressive dog, he didn't think Stede could blame him for that.

It seemed, though, that the only strikes against the dog were that he had a timid disposition, he was scared of loud noises and hid from thunderstorms, and he didn't do well in families with very small children because he'd run away when they pulled on his ears and tail. He had a bite history, they were warned, but it didn't take a lot of probing before the employee there assured them that the single reported bite in the dog's history was because the dog's very first owner had been easily frustrated with puppy mistakes and had hit him.

Suddenly, as hard as it was to believe he'd been so against the mere thought of a dog that morning, Ed couldn't stomach the idea of leaving without him.

Fifteen minutes and fifty dollars later, Ed was sitting in the backseat of their car with the dog to keep him company while Stede ran into the pet store to grab everything they needed.

They were naming him Kraken. Keeping with Stede's old pirate theme, and all that.

Kraken was, indeed, very shy. He looked scared to be in a car, and was a bit wary of both of them, still, and didn't look like he knew what to make of his new circumstances.

Ed wondered if he was scared he was going to be brought back to the shelter again.

Very gently, he scritched under Kraken's ears with his fingers, and the dog laid his head down on Ed's knee, big brown eyes looking up at him with a kind of trust that felt like an awful lot.

"Don't worry, man," Ed told him. "You're going home. I know that sounds like a lot, but, hey! If I can do it, so can you."

Ed wasn't totally sure if he was doing it right. It felt like he was still playing the whole boyfriend/fiancé/life partner thing by ear.

Maybe…he wondered if he should talk to Stede about it. He knew he'd want to know if it was Stede who was worried about something!

But Ed was already so much to deal with. He didn't want to add more to Stede's plate, not with all the stress of the move still very much in play. He didn't need Ed's stupid baggage clogging things up any more.

On his knee, Kraken let out a long, world-weary sigh, his eyes closing.

"Yeah, man," Ed sighed, patting his big, soft ears. "Me, too."

Chapter Text

Slowly, life was starting to take on a sort of routine.

Stede had been relieved when Kraken seemed to really help with that. It had only been a few days since they'd brought him home, so he was still settling in, but it was easier than Stede had feared. He was a quiet, low-key dog, who seemed content to follow one of them around from room to room and just plop down and watch them as they worked on something. They were still working on coaxing him out of his shell, but he didn't seem distressed or upset, just a little wary, still.

And he meant they now had a clear schedule. They could hear him start to wake up and pace around in the morning, and Stede took him out for a walk as Ed got started on breakfast. They could all eat together around their new kitchen table, and time chores around when Kraken would need to go out for a walk.

It was also such a treat to see Ed start to bond with him. Stede had stood quietly in the kitchen doorway for a long time the night before, trying not to make any noise so he could just watch Ed chat to Kraken about what he was cooking for dinner, occasionally tossing the dog little pieces of chicken as he went.

The house was coming along. Most of the boxes were unpacked, though they were still negotiating closet space. Their entire home smelled like fresh paint. They had home renovators coming in almost every day throughout the week, helping with repairing the porch and the roof and tinkering with the wiring.

But Kraken's arrival also meant one more thing, one little factor Stede hadn't considered might happen so soon:

When he'd sent pictures to the kids, a cute selfie of him and Ed sitting with Kraken between them on the couch…the kids had asked when they could come visit.

And Mary had suggested that they could have them for a full week.

Holy shit.

Sure, they'd picked the location for their new home with the kids in mind. Yeah, they'd been talking with Mary about how the kids would be able to spend time with them. True, they'd made a group chat to keep all four of them (Mary, her husband Doug, Stede, and Ed) up to date on what was going on with the kids' lives.

But, honestly…Stede had never been a very present father, and he'd been expecting for that trend to continue. He'd been expecting the kids to have no real interest in coming to stay with him, and then the idea would slowly fizzle out, and they could all say they tried, and that would be the end of it.

But, dammit, the kids wanted to meet their dog. With Mary's allergy, they'd never been able to have the puppy all kids ask for, and Stede certainly wasn't about to exaggerate Kraken's issues to make it seem like he was too dangerous for the kids to be around. He was honestly ashamed that excuse even occurred to him. Was he seriously about to make excuses to avoid spending time with his kids? Was he really that afraid of them hating him, that it was tempting not to try at all?

At least Ed didn't have anything to worry about. The kids loved him - a feeling Stede himself had never really felt.

So when they went to visit a local thrift store to grab some things to spruce up their home, they had an additional list of things they needed for the kids' room. Alma and Louis had requested bunk beds, and Ed, at least, was having fun picking out fun throw pillows and colorful dressers.

It was quickly becoming apparent that Ed and Stede, for all the things they had in common, did not share the same taste in interior decor.

They were on the same page about some things at the thrift store. They both liked the silly nautical signs to hang up all over their home that said things like "the beach is my happy place" and "no shirt, no shoes, just right." Ed, after having spent much of his life unable to indulge in little creature comforts like plush throw blankets and a gratuitous amount of pillows, was glad for the chance, and Stede was happy to indulge him.

But.

"Do you think we have enough animal print?" Stede grimaced as Ed started to add another tacky leopard-print blanket into their cart.

Ed froze, immediately looking a lot like Kraken did the one time they'd had to scold him for trying to snatch some people food off the kitchen table.

"Sorry," Ed mumbled, not meeting Stede's eyes. "I'll put it - we can put them all back."

"Hey, Ed, honey, no," Stede quickly interrupted him, grabbing his hand before he could toss the blanket back onto the rack. "You like the animal print, right?"

Ed swallowed, squinting at Stede, his eyes flicking from Stede's face to the blanket, like he was trying to figure out what the trick was. "But you don't?"

"It's not my style," Stede acknowledged gently. "But it doesn't have to be. If you love it, we're getting it."

At least their home started to feel a lot more like theirs once they got home from the thrift store and started putting things away. Ed had been delighted to find a full set of cute purple floral-patterned mixing bowls, Stede had gotten a set of cool lamps shaped like lighthouses, and they'd bought a couple framed paintings of the beach a few minutes away. Ed's favorite find had been a set of coasters that all stacked in a cute little handmade box shaped like a fishing shack.

Every day, the place started to feel more and more like home.

Stede worked on assembling the kids' new bunk bed in their room while Ed made dinner, and he came out to a delicious smell and Ed sitting at the kitchen table, deeply engrossed in…something.

"Now, you can't tell Stede," Ed was saying to Kraken, laying at his feet, sprawled out over the cool kitchen tiles.

"Can't tell Stede what?"

Ed yelped, jumping a mile, and then immediately swore up a storm when he accidentally poked his finger with whatever he was doing. Stede rushed to give him a kiss, and Ed scrambled to hide the tiny scrap of fabric in his hands.

Ed pouted as he allowed Stede to kiss his finger. "This was supposed to be a surprise."

"Oh, yeah? Want me to leave?"

"Never want you to leave," Ed shrugged, smiling sheepishly as Stede pulled up a seat next to him. "Full disclosure, it's not finished yet. But I know you're a bit nervous about the kids coming to visit, so…"

Stede carefully took Ed's project from his hands. It was a small cross-stitch, only a few inches tall, of a toucan sitting on a branch covered in half-finished, blocky flowers. Next to the bird, carefully-stitched letters spelled out TOUCAN DO IT!

"Ed," Stede gasped in delight, "I didn't know you know how to cross-stitch!"

"Yeah, well." Ed shrugged sheepishly, delicately sitting the half-finished project down on the table. "I don't, not really. This is my first project. I actually started it…remember when we went to see your dad?"

Stede grimaced. He remembered perfectly well. Going no-contact with his father was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he thought - well, besides Ed.

"I just saw the pattern, and it reminded me of you," Ed said softly. He was trying to look like he didn't care very much, his voice faux-casual, but he kept looking up at Stede nervously through his eyelashes and then glancing away.

Stede understood the root of Ed's nervousness. He was no stranger to DIY, but Blackbeard was the kind of guy who sewed punk vests, not cute punny cross-stitch projects for his boyfriend.

"I love it," Stede said, kissing Ed's cheek. "Ed, I love it, I love you."

"Awwwgh," Ed mumbled, his grin growing as he picked his project back up, confidently making a few more stitches just to show off. "I love you."

Kraken grumbled softly, his tail thumping on the floor, and Stede reached down to scratch between his ears.

Not for the first time, sitting there at the kitchen table with his boyfriend, in a house that was starting to feel like a home, Stede had the feeling he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

He just wished his nerves could catch up with him, and sometimes he had the feeling Ed was laying awake at night, and -

Stede forced a breath in and out, slow and steady. One thing at a time.

He leaned his head on Ed's shoulder to watch him work, and Ed hummed happily. One thing at a time.

Chapter Text

Stede had those fussy little glasses perched on the tip of his nose. Might've been cute, if Ed hadn't been so distracted.

Ed wasn't really listening to what he was saying, honestly. They were going through a folder with thick stacks of documents. Brochures, package plans, contracts, all of them with lots of numbers and text. All of them felt the same. Big fancy fonts to lure you in and then little tiny text - that's where they hid all the tricks.

"It's going to be a beach wedding, obviously," Stede was saying.

"Obviously," Ed echoed, his chin in his hand, eyes staring blankly out the kitchen window.

"But this package charges double the listed price if we want anything other than the basic package, even a photographer!" Stede huffed. "And this one…what do you think, Ed, darling, indoor or outdoor reception?"

"Mhm," Ed said. "Uh. Outdoor."

"Alright," Stede sighed, taking his glasses off and resting them on top of the brochures and plans. "Now I know you're not listening. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that my Ed is going to need our reception to be indoors because he's not going to even be able to stomach the thought of eating a meal outside."

Ed wrinkled his nose, the truth of that catching up with him.

"Bugs," he said with a shudder. "Bugs in the wedding cake."

"Well, I suppose they call it a honeymoon for a reason -"

"Stede Bonnet," Ed said, "if you invite bees to our wedding, I'm gonna lose it."

"No bees," Stede promised with a little smile. "Can you tell me what you were thinking about?"

Ed opened his mouth. Closed it again.

The truth was, there was kind of a lot going on in his head.

He was feeling a bit guilty, pretty much all the time, about everything he was making Stede put up with. Ed was mopey and clingy and chatty, and now that they were finally living together and not having to share each other with anyone else or with the demanding tour schedule, Stede just had to deal with that all the time.

That might've been tolerable if Ed wasn't so sure that he was grating on Stede's nerves. Kraken was, as it turned out, a damn good listener, and Ed found himself talking to the dog more and more often because he was scared of annoying Stede. Stede had to compromise on so much for Ed's sake, including his stupid fucking tacky-ass taste in home decor! Ed was terrified that it was only a matter of time until Stede got sick and tired of him.

Those were the fears skating on the surface. There were a few more lingering down in the depths that he didn't dare even think about too hard, but that always felt like they were reaching up for him out of the darkness of the water.

Stede knew something had happened with Ed's dad. He'd known Ed's dad was an abusive piece of shit, and he knew Ed had killed him. He didn't know the details; he didn't know that some nights Ed still sat awake in bed and traced over the faint, slightly raised rope burn scars in the center of his palms.

Ed had been working on reframing that. The sheer force of Stede's love for him made it hard not to. He couldn't think of himself as a monster the way he used to.

But sometimes he still worried that he might hurt Stede. He was careful not to pick up anything too heavy when Stede was in the room. When they walked side-by-side, hand-in-hand, Ed measured their strides, trying to reassure himself that Stede could outrun him if he needed to.

He was scared that monsters didn't get happy endings, and now their happy ending felt like it was here, and…maybe he was only feeling so scared because he was just waiting for the hero to come and slay the dragon hiding in its lair.

And then the kids.

Oh, man, holy fuck, the kids.

That was actually…yeah. Stede was still looking at Ed, his eyebrows furrowed, and that was something Ed could actually grab onto.

"I'm a bit nervous," he said, putting on a small, shaky smile, relieved when Stede immediately smiled back at him, all cute dimples. "Especially since we've decided when the kids are coming in."

"Oh, darling, that was tougher than we'd expected, wasn't it?" Stede winced, holding Ed's hand tight over the kitchen table. "I don't think we expected this to be so difficult."

As Ed had hoped, Stede had assumed Ed had been talking about the travel logistics, and now Ed could just smile and nod, and he could reassure himself that he hadn't lied at all. Stede didn't need to know he was spending a lot of time thinking about cycles. Stede didn't know he was planning on teaching the kids some basic self-defense moves, how to pull their arms out of an adult's grip, how to break an adult's finger if they grabbed them. Just in case, y'know?

"They've got their flight tickets booked," Stede said cheerfully, and Ed tried to just focus on that. He nodded along. "And we'll go pick them up and hit the beach before driving back here!"

What they'd discovered was that picking a home halfway between Ed's mama and Mary and the kids, on opposite sides of the country, meant that travel was just inconvenient for everyone now. Their town was too small to have its own airport, so they'd need to pick the kids up from a bigger city almost three hours away.

Felt like they were setting themselves up for disaster, with their first night with the kids being a three-hour drive with two kids who'd already been stuck on a plane for four hours.

"Ed, love, are you alright?" Stede squeezed Ed's fingers. "You're just being very quiet. Is there anything else on your mind?"

Ed let his breath out in a shaky little huff.

"Yeah," he said, trying to turn his anxious energy into something different as he reached out to playfully grab at Stede's thigh. "Just thinking about how sexy you look right now."

"Oh?" Stede puffed out his chest, his worry falling away. "Tell me more."

Ed laughed, leaning forward to kiss him, teasingly nipping at his lower lip in a way that always made Stede shiver. "You look really hot in those glasses."

Stede put them back on so quickly he nearly poked himself in the eye, and then Ed was asking him to do a more authoritative voice, and then…

Well. Maybe that was another thing to add to the list of reasons why Ed might be the worst person alive: distracting his wonderful boyfriend with sex when they probably really needed to talk.

After, in bed, his hand resting on Stede's sweaty chest, pulled close to Stede's side, it was hard to feel quite as scared, though. If Ed could make Stede feel so good…he was still getting used to thinking of himself as good, but it helped.

Stede was smiling, and Ed made a little questioning noise. "What are you smiling about?"

"You," Stede said immediately, his grin so big and dopey and lovesick that it made Ed smile, too. "Just you. Remembering how we met."

"Oh, yeah?" Ed rested his cheek against Stede's shoulder, taking comfort in their closeness, how warm and soft Stede felt, how nicely their bodies fit together. "I was a bit of a mess that day."

"So was I." Stede fondly shook his head. "I'd just quit my job, found my wife in bed with another man, told her I was gay, and left for the airport, all in the span of about twenty minutes."

"All things considered," Ed snorted, "I'm surprised you were holding together as well as you were. I know I looked like -"

"Beautiful," Stede interrupted immediately. "Ed, darling, you just looked so beautiful. And when you came up to me, all I could think was…"

"I have to keep talking to this guy," Ed filled in, tilting his head to press a kiss to Stede's shoulder. "Yeah. That's how I felt, too."

"If you'd told me then what my life would look like now…" Stede shook his head, beaming. "That I'd be engaged to the most gorgeous man in the world, that we'd have our own home, that I'd be really good at sex…"

"Mm, damn right you are."

"I wouldn't have believed it," Stede finished, his fingers tightening over Ed's hip. "I'm so lucky, Ed."

"I'm the lucky one," Ed said, something about it hitting hollow. What was wrong with him, that he had the life he'd always dreamed of and he still felt so scared he'd fuck it up?

"Ed, sweet pea," Stede said, reaching up to gently run his fingers through Ed's beard, "are you sure you're alright?"

Thankfully, Ed didn't have to answer, because Kraken chose that moment to start whining and pawing pitifully at the bedroom door. He was a lot like Ed in that way. Got a bit desperate for cuddles when he wanted them.

Really, Ed thought as he smilingly watched Stede try to convince Kraken that he was allowed to jump on their bed for one quick snuggle (the dog was a big believer in rules, apparently), he knew that he wasn't being quite fair to Stede. Stede would want to hear about Ed's worries. And Ed would tell him!

But maybe it could wait until tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Ed was jealous of their dog.

Stede wasn't sure how it happened, but as Kraken settled in and started to come out of his shell, Ed was getting more and more quiet and withdrawn. He said he was okay, and he was acting okay, in all the ways that looked fine on paper and made it hard to pin down what the problem was.

Honestly, in fact, Ed often seemed downright fucking cheerful. He whistled tunelessly or hummed merry little songs as he made breakfast and did chores around the house. He was an active listener when Stede talked about all the little things going on with their home. He'd convinced Stede to grab a ladder and sit up on the roof with him so they could watch the sun set the night the renovators finished with the repairs to the roof.

But there was something off. Sometimes, even though Ed normally listened to him very attentively, Stede got the feeling Ed's mind was elsewhere. He was picking at his food. At night, Stede sometimes got the feeling that Ed was only pretending to be asleep.

It was tempting to worry that Ed was just unhappy. Was he regretting moving in with Stede? Was he starting to realize that Stede wasn't as cool or fun as he might've mistakenly assumed? Ed called Stede a lunatic, said he loved all the weird things Stede did…and Stede was afraid, in his heart of hearts, that he might've had a bit of a madness to him, but it was a boring sort of madness that looked like colorful shirts and eccentric home decor and not much of real substance.

But now Stede had found this one possible explanation, and he was holding onto it like a lifeline.

He'd been pleased with how well Ed and Kraken had been getting along. Kraken loved to sit at Ed's feet as he cooked or worked on his cross-stitching at the table, and often sat between them on the couch. He was, all things considered, a very easy dog, quiet and clean and low-key.

But Kraken had been having some trouble with settling in, and it was manifesting as a streak of separation anxiety. He whined when he was closed out of the rooms they were in, and he was having trouble sleeping through the night without them. They'd had to start crate-training him for nights and when they were out of the house, because he'd gotten so anxious the last time they were out shopping that he'd mauled a couch cushion.

It had been a shock, especially since he was usually so calm and quiet and entirely non-destructive, and they'd been working on it, but Stede certainly felt bad for him. So, naturally, he'd been giving the dog a lot of special attention.

Special attention, he thought, that Ed was suddenly missing.

The night before, Stede had been laughing as he cuddled with Kraken on the couch while Ed cross-stitched next to them, listening to Kraken's big tail thump on the couch and kissing between his little eyebrows with their perpetual worried fold.

"You're just Mister Smitten, aren't you?" Stede had been cooing, laughing as Kraken licked his cheek. "Need all the snuggles, don't you?"

Ed had huffed. "Maybe I'm Mister Smitten, too," he'd said, grumpily poking his thread through the fabric, and it had clicked into place.

That was such an easy, comforting explanation for Ed's off-kilter mood! He was just jealous! He was just feeling out of sorts because he was having to share Stede's affection!

And this…this, Stede could fix.

This wouldn't involve any big, scary conversations where they'd both wind up crying. It wouldn't involve any tears at all. Stede would just have to be intentional about making sure Ed felt as loved as he deserved, that was it! Easy-peasy!

So Stede told Ed he had a surprise planned, and they did exactly what the dog trainer they'd been working with recommended. Kraken's case of separation anxiety, they were told, was a mild one, and there were things they could do to help. Stede took him on a nice long walk to tire him out, and then Ed worked with him for a while on the tricks he was teaching him (Ed had already taught him to sit, shake hands, lay down, and spin!) to exercise his brain, too, and then they were careful to keep calm and quiet as they directed him into his crate, rewarded him with a treat, and made sure he had his favorite chew toys with him.

Kraken didn't even bark as they left, and they exchanged a fist-bump. Progress.

"So, what's my surprise?" Ed asked, a bounce in his step. Stede knew he was guessing right about what was weighing on Ed's mind. He looked so happy right now! He just needed a bit more special attention and time as a couple!

"Wait and see," Stede told him, giving him a kiss on the cheek, and his heart soared at Ed's little giggle.

Ed was already looking excited by the time they reached the local bakery to pick up Stede's surprise, and he was delighted when he learned it was an ice cream cake. Stede's guess had been right on - Ed loved sweet things, and a dessert that was both cake and ice cream? He'd known Ed wouldn't be able to pass that up!

The weather was nice - perfect blue sky, a bit warm for autumn but with a crisp breeze, so they decided to eat down by the beach, taking up a spot at a picnic table on a hill overlooking the shore that Stede had discovered while taking Kraken on a nice long walk a bit ago.

It was such a precious thing, to see how happy and comfortable Ed looked. When they'd first met, he'd been so miserable, forcing himself to try and fit a caricature of himself. He'd so often looked uncomfortable and scared. And now, his smile easy, his posture loose-limbed and comfortable, dressed in one of Stede's warm pink cardigans over his usual t-shirt and skinny jeans, with fun spiked wristbands and a light blue hanky tied around his left wrist…

He just looked so happy, so himself. Stede was so proud of him it almost hurt.

"We'll have to do this more often," he said, helping Ed dole out two big slices of cake onto the paper plates they'd brought.

"Oh, yeah?" Ed grinned. "What's the special occasion?"

"Just to make you happy!"

Ed shook his head, bemused, looking at Stede like he'd personally hung the sun up in the sky. "I've never had a boyfriend do stuff like this just to make me happy before."

"That's a crime," Stede said earnestly, vowing anew to make sure Ed had a reason to smile every single day.

"Seriously, man." Ed surprised him by pulling him into a hug, tight and warm, and he tucked his head up in the crook of Stede's neck, cuddling as close as he could. "You're amazing."

"It's nothing, you nut," Stede started to laugh, rubbing Ed's back.

"Seriously," Ed said earnestly, pulling back just a bit to meet Stede's eyes. "This means a lot to me. I love you."

"And I love you!" Stede gave him one last quick peck of a kiss before swatting his hip, pointing him towards the cake. "C'mon, love, don't let your cake melt."

"You're going to spoil me, Stede Bonnet," Ed laughed, playfully sticking his tongue out at him before he took a huge bite of his cake, eyes fluttering shut in bliss.

"You deserve to be spoiled," Stede shrugged easily, his own cake tasting as sweet as an easy victory. "Besides, I know you've been feeling a bit…neglected."

He'd said it delicately, like they were sharing a secret, not wanting to make Ed feel put on the spot or embarrassed. And he expected Ed to sheepishly agree. But Ed's eyebrows furrowed, his head tilting.

"Neglected?" Ed repeated. "What do you mean? You already spoil me plenty."

"No more than you deserve," Stede said, wincing slightly at having to spell the issue out. "And I know incorporating Kraken into the family has been an adjustment -"

"What do you mean? Kraken's great!" Ed's frown was deepening. "I never thought I'd want a dog, babe, seriously. Wait, Stede, you're not regretting adopting him, are you?"

"No, of course not!"

To his horror, Ed sat his fork down. "Stede, have I done something wrong?"

"No, no," Stede hurried to get out, wanting to smooth out the worried line between Ed's eyes. He hastily picked up Ed's hand, kissing his knuckles. "No, love. You've just been…a bit quiet, that's all. I assumed you were just jealous of all the attention I was giving Kraken."

For an instant, just a split second, Ed's expression got very closed-off. It was so fast that, when Stede remembered it later, he'd been able to convince himself he was just imagining it.

Then Ed laughed, bright and easy.

"You thought I was jealous of the dog?" He giggled, squeezing Stede's hand. "No way, man. I guess I've just been tired, that's all. It's just been a lot, with the move and everything."

It almost felt silly that Stede had ever been worried at all, with how happily Ed was looking at him.

"Hey." Ed playfully nudged Stede's shoe under the table. "How about I take you home and show you how much this meant to me?"

Later, Stede would wonder if he should've pushed the issue. But how could he keep being worried, when Ed's kisses were sweet and easy, and he held him so tight, and he whispered that he loved him with every breath?

It wasn't until late that night that Stede even remembered he'd never figured out what was bothering Ed at all.

Chapter Text

"How do I look?"

Stede uncovered his eyes, trying to hide his grimace. He'd never been very good at schooling his facial expressions, though, and Ed's hopeful expression soured immediately.

"Ed, darling," Stede said gently, "you're trying so hard."

Sighing loudly, Ed plopped down onto the side of the bed, picking miserably at the ragged edge of his old punk jacket. The leather jacket was nearly as old as Ed was, covered in patches and buttons and pins, and it was cool, Stede would never say it wasn't cool. But Ed's usual casual, comfortable look was offset by how he was obviously trying hard to appeal to the kids' interests and variously things that he thought might just make him look cool - he'd bought a Pokemon t-shirt, and his arms were covered in spiked wristbands. He was clearly trying to win Alma's vote with the pink-striped fuzzy arm warmers that Stede had mentioned she'd asked for for her last birthday, but they really didn't go with the spiked wristbands.

"Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?" Ed asked softly, shaking his head. "Is it even possible to try too hard?"

"The kids already love you," Stede said, sitting next to Ed on the bed, taking his hand. "You've got nothing at all to be worried about, Ed."

To his surprise, Ed just scoffed, looking away, his eyes starting to shine with tears, and -

Alright. Enough was fucking enough.

In the last few days, as they got the house ready for the kids, Ed had just been acting more and more off-kilter. He'd obsessed over the snack foods they loaded the fridge with to the point where Stede was a bit concerned he might have a breakdown over the choice between chocolate and strawberry ice cream. He'd been working so hard on learning to cook the kids' favorite meals that he'd been psyching himself out and there had been several kitchen-knife-to-the-fingers incidents.

And that was fine. Stede would've been less concerned if Ed just seemed a bit nervous.

But he was getting quiet, often lost in thought, just not acting like himself. His first cross-stitch project, the cheerful toucan, was hanging merrily in their hallway, but his second one was sitting barely-started on the kitchen table. Ed just seemed so down, and whenever Stede tried to ask him about it, he always managed to distract him somehow.

(Usually with kisses, or foreplay, or even just jumping right into Stede's lap on the couch. It wasn't Stede's fault that Ed had the most amazing body in the world! And he couldn't lie…it was a lot easier to have sex and enjoy making each other feel good instead of having tough conversations.)

Stede was terrified that Ed was starting to regret agreeing to marry someone with kids. Even if he didn't regret Stede himself, necessarily, what if he just didn't want to have to be a stepdad?

"Ed," Stede said firmly, holding Ed's hands tight, "we need to talk."

And the journey Ed's face went on confirmed Stede's fears. First, he got a wide-eyed look, like a deer in headlights, nakedly scared -

And then he just smiled, and leaned in to brush a kiss against Stede's cheek. "Damn right we do," he purred. "We don't need to leave for the airport for another hour, and you look so hot, babe."

"Oh," Stede gasped, his eyes fluttering shut at the soft brush of kisses down his jaw, trailing lower…

It was so, so tempting to just let it go.

If Stede didn't say anything, then they'd be fine. They'd kiss, and make out for a while, and enjoy each other. He'd get to see Ed's face flushed, his mouth hanging open, giggling and whining and screaming Stede's name. They'd have to rush to leave the house on time, and they'd make it to the airport just in time to pick up the kids. Maybe, on the long drive there, Stede would even be able to talk to Ed about what was worrying him. It would just be putting it off a little longer, really…

Ed didn't feel right in Stede's arms. He was so tense, his muscles tight, his shoulders drawn up. Suddenly, not knowing what was hurting him felt absolutely unbearable.

"Ed," Stede whispered, starting to pull back. "Stop."

Ed pouted, but he leaned back immediately. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No, honey," Stede assured him, gently cupping Ed's cheek in his palm. "But we need to talk about this."

And he knew he'd made the right decision, because Ed got that same deer-in-the-headlights terrified expression, just before he schooled his face into something grumpy and sullen.

Ed leaned away from Stede's hand, his lips pursed tightly. "Oh, I get it," he grumbled. "I see how it is. Am I being too clingy? Have you only been pretending to want me?"

Stede gasped, immediately, breathing out an "oh, Ed, darling, no," and that was exactly what Ed had wanted. Stede knew it, too, because Ed had never been good at hiding anything from him, and there was just the faintest traces of satisfaction in his grumpy little pout.

(Reminded Stede a lot of how he sometimes, just maybe, said little self-deprecating things. I've only got stupid ideas, maybe, looking up through his eyelashes to catch Ed's earnest expression as he reassured him. They could play each other like fucking fiddles.)

"Ed," Stede said firmly, watching Ed's put-on pout fall away, replaced with that wide-eyed, vulnerable expression again. Because that was it, wasn't it? Ed was scared, something was making him feel terrified. "I need you to listen to me, love, please. I need you to talk to me."

Ed bit his lip, his shoulders hunching up nearly to his ears as he curled in on himself. He looked so small, and all Stede wanted to do was take him into his arms.

So he did, wrapping his arm around Ed's shoulders, relieved when Ed still felt stiff but didn't pull away from his touch. "I promise, Ed, I promise, no matter what's worrying you, I want to know about it. I want to share it with you."

"I'm…" Ed's voice came out in a timid little warble. "I'm scared it'll make you see me different."

"It couldn't," Stede promised him. "I swear, Ed,nothing you could tell me right now will make me see you any differently. I'm going to love you just the same in two minutes as I do right now, I promise."

Ed took a deep breath, pressing himself into Stede's side, as close as he could get. He couldn't meet Stede's eyes, just looking down at the floor.

"Is it about the kids?" Stede asked gently.

Slowly, Ed nodded, looking up at Stede through his wet eyelashes, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "I'm really scared I'm going to hurt them."

Stede frowned, his brain racing as he tried to make that make sense. "What?"

"What if I'm just like my dad?" A fat tear finally broke free, sliding down Ed's cheek, and Stede's heart broke. Ed must have been in a truly awful place to compare himself to his father. "What if I get annoyed with them, and I just snap? Or I just can't help it? What if it's just something I'm going to do, no matter what?"

"Ed, sweetheart," Stede said, trying to will his voice not to shake, "that is complete fucking horseshit."

Ed blinked, the slightly hysterical look he'd been getting fading slightly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah,"Stede promised. "My love, my darling, babe, sweetheart -"

To his relief, Ed smiled slightly. "That's a lot of pet names."

"You deserve all of them, all the time," Stede shrugged. "Ed, please listen to me. You are…honestly, probably one of the least violent people I've ever met."

Ed started to shake his head -

"Yes," Stede insisted. "It doesn't matter what old interview with you I look at, in every single one I see someone treating you like shit, and you responding with the most patient thing I've ever read. I can count the number of times I've heard you yell on, like, two fingers. I mean, Ed, darling, I've listened to the band's stories, and to hear them talk about it, you let people get up in your face and scream at you without even thinking about getting violent. And you don't want to hurt the kids, do you?"

"Of course not!" Ed recoiled at the mere thought. "Not at all, Stede, I promise."

"I know, love." Stede put a hand on Ed's knee, squeezing gently. "So why would you?"

Ed shrugged one shoulder, looking down at his hands, tracing one finger over the thin, faded scar on one palm. "I think maybe I'm just broken. I mean, my dad…"

"Your dad deserved what he got," Stede said vehemently. "I'm just sad you had to be the one to do it."

"Hm." Ed sighed, letting his head drop onto Stede's shoulder. "Can we talk more about this later?"

"Sure." Stede pressed a long kiss to Ed's forehead, then one more, then to his lips when he tilted his head up to beg with those big brown eyes for a proper kiss. "Ready for our first day with the kids?"

"Not really," Ed breathed, but his shoulders at least looked lighter than they had just a few minutes ago. "But…thank you for listening."

"Always." Stede squeezed him tight. "Let's do this. Who's gonna be the best step-dad ever?"

Ed set his face into a look of grim determination. "I am."

Chapter Text

Ed was, maybe, freaking out.

Because the thing, the sticking point, the really scary hand that kept squeezing around his chest until he just couldn't breathe, it was this:

Being a step-dad was really, really fucking easy.

Okay, maybe, Ed could admit that probably wasn't the best word for it. It was still weird and a bit scary and he was terrified of fucking it up. He suddenly had a lot of new worries (such as "did we remove the giant purple dildo from the guest shower last night, or are we going to have to have a really interesting conversation with a nine-year-old?"). And he wasn't entirely convinced he was capable of being a father figure and not screwing it up somehow.

But everything just…it wasn't easy, maybe, not in the way that you think of easy things as being effortless. But it sure as fuck wasn't difficult to care enough to make things turn out okay.

The first day with the kids was a bit of a rush. They picked them up from the airport, and immediately Ed was faced with two little torpedoes running at him, demanding food and hugs, and Louis made him pick him up and carry him on his shoulders since his feet were tired, and that made Alma jealous, so Stede had to sling her over his shoulders like a sack of flour and carry her, too.

And yeah, Ed learned quickly that all the planning in the world couldn't make up for kids just being kids. They'd planned on making the drive back to their house fun by stopping for fast food and taking the kids to toy and souvenir stores, but the kids were worn out from the flight and just kept bickering with each other about food until Stede made the executive decision. Ed felt out of his depth, and he had felt himself going quiet and scared -

But then Louis had asked if Ed could teach him how to swim, and Ed promised he would. Alma, as nine-year-olds are wont to do, asked a series of extremely personal questions that had Ed and Stede holding back laughter and avoiding each other's eyes so they wouldn't burst into fits of giggles as Ed carefully explained that yes, he and Stede did indeed sleep in the same bed, just like their mom and Doug did.

Apparently, the kids had already decided that, when Ed and Stede got married, they'd switch ring bearer/flower girl designations. Only fair for both of them to get to do both things, they figured.

And things just kept going…okay. The kids adored Kraken, and listened very carefully when Stede explained to them that they needed to pet him gently and not tug on his ears or tail. Ed taught the kids to make his favorite brownies, which had a bit of cinnamon and chili powder in the batter. Stede enlisted the kids' help with planting flowers in what would soon become their garden. Tomorrow, they were going to spend the day at the beach.

And it was fine. It was pure, simple domestic bliss.

And nothing could've scared Ed more.

See, he was beginning to worry, because there were two equally terrifying options here.

Option one: Ed had just been a uniquely terrible child, and that was why his father had hit him. He hoped that was the explanation here, even though it sat in his brain in a weird, confusing sort of way.

(When he called his mama to check in with her, he asked her what he'd been like as a kid. She said he'd been quiet and respectful and well-behaved, which was strange, because Ed remembered his teachers often getting mad at him for not being able to sit still and for finishing his work too quickly. He decided that she didn't really know, considering she hadn't been home a lot.)

And then there was option two: every parent just snaps and hits their kids eventually, and it was only a matter of time.

That was weird, too, because the urge hadn't happened to Ed yet, and he hadn't seen a hint of it in Stede, either - though, fair enough, he couldn't imagine Stede ever hitting his kids. And when the kids did those little annoying kid things, Ed still didn't get the urge.

They were good kids, by and large, respectful of house rules and careful with the dog. But they were still kids. Alma accidentally dropped one of the nice serving plates patterned with sailing ships that Ed had bought at the thrift store. Once, they'd both refused to eat the meal Stede made for dinner. Alma was in an angsty tweenage phase and was a bit prone to snapping when annoyed, and she once called Ed stupid for forgetting to pack her favorite lip balm flavor when they went shopping in town. Louis could get overstimulated easily, and he'd had a meltdown that had forced them to call that shopping trip short.

And it was all…fine. None of it made Ed even think about hurting them.

Alma helped Ed glue the platter back together, trying to get the seam as nice as possible so they could display it on a shelf instead, since the pattern was still very pretty. When Stede had gotten upset about the kids not wanting to eat his cooking and excused himself, Ed talked to them about how Stede's cooking was improving, and he was trying really hard, and it was important not to hurt the people we love when they try to do something nice for you. Once they actually tried Stede's garlicky mashed potatoes, Ed brought him back in to see them scraping their plates clean. Stede reminded Alma that it wasn't fair to call Ed mean names. They had a talk with Louis and Stede promised to lend him his noise-canceling headphones on their next trip.

And Ed lay awake at night, thinking about how he couldn't even bear the thought of hurting these little kids who depended on him, and he wondered how his dad could've done that to him.

So he decided that it was just something uncontrollable, and he decided to prepare the kids for the inevitability of Ed snapping and trying to hurt them -

And that was the first time Stede ever questioned Ed's parenting decisions, coming into the living room to see Ed trying to teach Louis how to take an adult's finger and bend it back hard to break it so he could run away if an adult ever grabbed him.

"Ed!" Stede had gasped, quickly yanking Ed back. "What the f-fiddlesticks are you doing?"

"Self defense," Ed said, a bit lamely, surprised by the shock on Stede's face. "Just in case?"

"Do you want them doing that to each other?" Stede snapped. "Because that's exactly what's going to happen!"

"No," Ed hurried to defend himself, feeling strange and small and wrong-footed. "It's for me, though."

Stede just stared at him, for a long moment.

"Louis," he said, then, "can you and Alma take Kraken on a nice walk in the back yard, please? Keep your phones with you and on in case I need to call you, okay?"

"Yes," Louis exclaimed, running to grab Kraken's leash, and Ed looked down at the floor as he listened to excited paws and feet trample out the back door.

"Ed," Stede said, softly, "why were you trying to teach Louis how to break your finger?"

Ed shrugged one shoulder.

He flinched at Stede's hand on his arm, but Stede just guided him to sit down on the couch, keeping one hand on Ed's knee. "Ed, love," he said, "can I guess?"

Ed shrugged a shoulder again.

"Do you think you're going to hurt them?"

His breath coming out shaky, Ed nodded, looking up at Stede through his eyelashes. "I think maybe that's just something parents do."

"No, Ed," Stede said firmly. "That was a choice your father made. You never did anything wrong. It never should've happened."

What the fuck.

That took some fucking digesting, sure as anything, and the next thing Ed really remembered, he was sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hand, watching Stede wash the dishes. Stede had asked if he'd wanted to be alone, he thought, and he'd just followed him in here.

It was awful, to think that his father had had the choice not to hurt Ed. And Ed hadn't been worth it.

But that didn't mean Ed had to make the same choice. He could make a better one.

And he could worry all he wanted about the alternate universe out there where he made the wrong choice, but right now? Right now, he could hear the kids laughing in the back yard as they threw a ball for Kraken to fetch, and the love of his life was doing the dishes while listening to the radio, shaking his cute little flat ass, and Ed could keep this version of reality.

He got up and wrapped his arms around Stede's middle, resting his chin on his shoulder as they swayed to the music.

"They're playing our song," Stede smiled, turning his face to kiss Ed's temple.

Ed rolled his eyes. Stede had turned the radio to a punk rock station, and they were playing "Plumb the Depths," perhaps Ed's single least favorite song Queen Anne's Revenge had ever put out. "This is not our song, man."

"Ooh, yes it is," Stede laughed. "It was playing in the airport the day we met."

Ed snorted, squeezing Stede a bit tighter. "Babe, can I…can I ask you something?"

"Anything," Stede said, so immediately and earnestly it made Ed's chest hurt.

"Would you be mad if…" Ed took a deep breath, closing his eyes, letting his cheek rest against Stede's. "I think I might need to go to therapy."

Stede reached for a dishtowel, and then his hand covered Ed's, still warm from the water. "Ed, love," he said, "I'm so proud of you."

That was the funny thing, right there. Ed was proud of himself, too.

Chapter Text

Stede had been working on himself for long enough, since coming out and meeting Ed, to know his strengths. He was a good man for a crisis, clearly, he was strong-willed and good at thinking outside the box.

But perhaps his favorite thing about himself? He was good at planning for failure.

See, Stede had been a failure his whole life, and he was close to proud of it. He certainly didn't want to be the kind of person his father would've approved of, and the nice thing about failure was it meant you could learn from your mistakes.

So, before the kids arrived that week, he'd prepared ahead of time for all the little failures he could think of.

He knew the kids would get along just fine with Ed - that wasn't a worry - and once Ed had been able to tell him what was scaring him, that made the whole situation easier. He was careful to remind Ed at every juncture that he was doing fine, that the kids were fine, that Ed wasn't going to just randomly fuck up and ruin their lives.

("No," Stede laughed, "I have a monopoly on that one!" He wasn't quite sure if he was actually joking or not.)

He made sure the first-aid kit was well-stocked in case Louis took a tumble or Alma decided to jump out the second-story window to prove a point. He had Mary help him make cheat sheets of the kids' favorite foods. He'd bought two sets of bedding, just in case they hated the sheets he'd picked out for them (mermaids for Louis and Transformers for Alma), and he'd found a fold-out bed just in case one of them decided they didn't actually like the bunk beds.

He'd been so prepared for things to go wrong that he felt a bit wrong-footed when everything went pretty much right.

Stede had never been a good dad. He'd always been absent, absorbed in a job he hated, completely shrouded in his own misery at home. He barely knew his own kids.

And they barely knew him, aside from all his past failures! Hell, they'd refused to eat the first time Stede made anything because all they knew of his cooking was the one time he'd tried to cook Mary a mother's day breakfast one year and wound up fucking it up so badly that the kitchen still smelled of smoke six months later. He'd been forced to miss pretty much all of the kids' events over the years - the Badminton brothers had seemed to find great joy in scheduling boring meetings during days he'd already requested off.

Stede just…wasn't prepared to be a good father.

And when the kids were suddenly theirs for a week, he didn't know how to handle it. They were suddenly expecting him to tell bedtime stories and deliver good-night kisses, to soothe worries and kiss scraped knees and be present in a way he never had been before.

The good news was that Ed was fucking nailing it. He was a natural.

The even worse news was that Stede suspected he'd suddenly become the kids' fourth-favorite parent. Dead last, yet again, no matter how hard he tried.

The kids adored Ed. He was funny, cool, suggested activities that the kids automatically loved, like picking up a set of water pistols and playing pirates. Alma thought it was great that she was able to tell her friends that her step-dad Ed was on the radio when a Queen Anne's hit came on, and demanded lots of pictures with him to be able to show any naysayers as proof. He was the one who'd taught Kraken the really cool tricks, like how to high-five and crawl on his belly. He let Louis color in his tattoos with washable markers. He promised to teach Alma how to play the electric guitar.

And Stede was…still Stede. Somehow, still feeling like a disappointing parent hurt even more when everything was going well.

He was the one who had to shoot down the really exciting ideas, like breaking it to the kids that they couldn't just take two whole days out of their week together to go on a road trip to a theme park a state over. He didn't have cool tattoos. The kids didn't want pictures of him to show their friends.

They didn't even seem to think his single gold hoop earring was cool.

("I think it's very cool," Ed had promised him, nipping teasingly along his earlobe.)

He'd decided that, despite how off everything felt, despite all his worries and fears and the certainty that the kids were only putting up with him so they could actually enjoy Ed's company…today, they were having a fun, memorable, deeply cool beach day. Boring dad's orders.

Having a house close to the beach had definitely won them points with the kids, and a bonus was that their house was only a short walk away from a stretch of beach far enough away from the touristy part of town that they often had it pretty much to themselves. The Novembers were warmer here than they were back home, and it was still plenty hot enough for swimming and walking the beach, making sand castles and enjoying the water.

Stede sighed, keeping guard of their stretch of beach towels while Ed splashed with the kids in the water. It had been a great day on paper - very nearly perfect, even! So why did he still feel so strangely hollow?

He tried to just enjoy watching. Ed looked great in just his new pair of fun purple swim trunks, his hair pulled up in a tight bun to protect it from the saltwater. When Louis had asked about the scars on his chest from his top surgery, he'd given a calm, gentle answer about how he'd had a surgery to correct his body so it looked like it was supposed to, and he'd happily let the kids touch the scars to prove they weren't scary. The only blunder was that Louis had mistakenly assumed that he'd need to get surgery, too, that it was just part of being a boy, and Ed had laughingly corrected him.

He smiled as he watched Ed resurface from a dive, shouting "the kraken's hungry!" and playfully grabbing at the kids while they shrieked and giggled.

After how worried Ed had been…it wasn't fair, for Stede to be jealous over the kids liking Ed more than him.

He was torn from his thoughts as his family (there, even just thinking that word brought the smile back to his face!) raced back up the beach, the kids' teeth chattering.

"It's cold now," Louis whined loudly, wrapping his arms around his chest.

"I'm not cold," Alma announced, turning her nose up despite her shiver.

"Oh, of course not," Stede allowed as he grabbed their extra towels from his bag, handing one to Ed so he could help him get the kids wrapped up, pulling the towels around their shoulders and drying their hair. "A little lunch, and then back in the water?"

"Are you going to come in with us this time?" Louis asked, before, much to Stede's surprise, he plopped himself right down in Stede's lap.

Stede looked to Ed in shock, his eyes widening, but Ed didn't look that surprised.

Ed must've taken Stede's silence as hesitance, because he clicked his tongue. "That's up to your dad," he said. "If he's having a good time just hangin' out, that's fine."

"Aww," Louis pouted, and Stede blinked.

The kids didn't actually want to play with him in the water. Louis didn't actually want to sit with him. He was just trying to be a good sport. He was just cold. Huddling for warmth was one of those situations where you couldn't be picky with whose lap you climbed into, right?

They'd packed everyone's favorite sandwiches - pastrami on rye for Ed, tomato aioli for Stede and Alma, and a grilled cheese for Louis. For some reason, Louis elected to stay cuddled up with Stede as they ate, even once he'd stopped shivering.

Despite his worries, despite his doubts, Stede wanted to remember those precious moments for as long as he lived. Louis' hair sticking up from the salt water, Ed's body sun-warm next to him. Sand sticking to their bare feet, the sound of the waves a comforting backdrop, mixing perfectly with Ed's laughter in a way that felt, in the back of Stede's mind, like a nostalgic memory.

"Dad, dad, dad," Louis said, for probably the thousandth time as he watched with increasing impatience for Stede to get the remains of their lunch packed away. "Can you come swim with us?"

"Oh, I dunno," Stede hedged.

"Lou, bud, don't push," Ed warned gently, but he cut himself off with a smile when Stede knocked their feet together.

"Can you two keep a secret?" Stede waited until the kids were listening intently, hanging on in anticipation. "I was the two-time school champion swimmer when I was in high school."

"Really?" Alma asked. "Why would that need to be a secret?"

Stede smiled. "Because when I beat Ed in a race, he's going to owe us all ice cream."

"I never agreed to this," Ed started to protest, but he was laughing when Stede let the kids haul him up to his feet, leading him down to the water.

He wasn't used to being someone other people wanted around.

He thought he could get used to it.

Chapter Text

Ed had fucked up. Big time.

See, their day had started out perfect. They'd finally given into the kids' begging to go out for a day on the boardwalk an hour up the coast, and at first? Zero regrets. It was pretty damn great.

The kids had a great time getting food from the little stalls up and down the board walk, and they all snacked throughout the day on popcorn bags and little paper containers of greasy french fries. Both of them let Ed help them up onto the horses at the carousal. Stede and Ed were both pretty lousy at the games (Ed was still sure they were all rigged), but Stede was excellent at snatching the stuffed animals they'd wanted to win from the booths while no one was looking.

They'd been talking about staying all day and well into the night. There were sand painting workshops that everyone wanted to try, and Stede wanted to go on a walk further down the beach there because there were supposed to be some pretty amazing tide pools at low tide, and Louis had his poor little heart absolutely dead-set at eating at the seafood buffet there for dinner.

But then Ed had to ruin it.

He'd been more diligent about his bad knee since he and Stede had gotten together. Stede always reminded him to wear his brace and take it easy when it started to hurt, and so far? It was paying off.

But today, of all days, it chose to be a fucking shit to him. It had started twinging almost as soon as they hit the boardwalk, and Ed tried to play it off so it wouldn't cut their nice day out short.

He thought about mentioning it. Stede had noticed Ed was slowing down.

But every time he tried to -

"Ed! Ed, Ed, Ed!" Alma tugged excitedly on Ed's hand. "Can we play mini golf? Please say we can play mini golf!"

Ed wasn't about to keep the kids from getting to play mini golf. Not in a billion years. So he grit his teeth and kept walking, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, his jaw clenching with every step.

He was shaking too hard to really participate with the mini golf. He said he was just hungry. His blood sugar must be dropping, and all that.

"Ed, you poor thing," Stede fussed, sitting Ed down at a bench along the wall so they could watch the kids go through the course. He brushed Ed's hair back from his forehead, checking his temperature with a lingering kiss to his forehead that still sent butterflies fluttering in Ed's tummy. "Are you sure you're feeling alright? Is your knee okay?"

Ed hated lying to Stede. But the kids were having so much fun…

"It's fine," he shrugged, resting a hand on Stede's knee. "Just the humidity not really agreeing with me, I guess."

"Ed, we live on the beach. It's humid as fuck all the time."

Ed pouted. "I'm suffering and you're arguing with me? Not fair, man."

Stede snorted, tilting Ed's face with a finger on his chin so he could kiss him properly, and they got maybe a bit too into it before Alma and Louis started making pretend gagging noises at them. Stede stuck his tongue out at them, adorably catty, and Ed just had to kiss him again about it.

One of the best things about this day, Ed thought, was getting to see Stede come out of his shell with the kids a bit more. At the start of the week, he'd been a bit timid with them, like he was scared that every suggestion he made would go down like a lead balloon. He still looked a bit surprised when the kids ran up to him to drag him over to see their high score on a game or show him something they thought was cool, but…he was getting there.

And so was Ed. He was no longer terrified that he was gonna fuck the kids up or that they'd hate him for any little mistake. But he was still determined to not be the one who ruined this good day.

He'd really been hoping that a break would help his knee, but when the kids finished up and he had to stand again, he nearly cried out with the pain of it. It had been a long time since it had hurt this badly! He didn't get it, he was wearing his brace and everything…

It was a good try, genuinely. Ed had a lot of experience in hiding his pain, and he was damn good at it. He'd spent a lot of years going through months-long tours with the band on autopilot, affecting a swagger and a scowl to keep anyone from questioning the limp.

But something about Ed himself had shifted, slowly but surely. He was no longer grimly resigned to being miserable and in pain. He was more accustomed to asking for help.

And when he just couldn't get up, his body and brain felt torn between asking for help and pretending the problem didn't exist, so he just stared down at his stupid dumbfuck knee, biting his lip, frustrated tears starting to gather in his eyes.

"Ed?" Stede paused, adjusting his adorable little typical dad fanny pack, his hand frozen on the zipper from putting up his chapstick. "Everything alright?"

Ed's breath shivered out. He glanced up at Stede through his eyelashes.

And it hit him, kind of all at once. If the kids ever had an injury like Ed had, where they had to deal with chronic pain and bad flare-ups, he wouldn't want them to be embarrassed about it. He wouldn't want them to feel like they were ruining everyone's day. He didn't want that to be the lesson they took away from this.

Ed's voice still shook, but he tried. "My knee really hurts," he admitted softly.

Instantly, Stede dropped to his knees, his eyebrows furrowed as he inspected Ed's brace. Ed was wearing a pair of borrowed pink shorts, and when he risked a glance down as Stede gently pushed the hem up, his heart sank to see that there were nasty purple bruises rising up along the edges of the joint.

"I think you put the brace on too tight," Stede said softly. "I think we're going to take it off for now, love, I'm worried you'll hurt it even more if we keep it on."

Ed couldn't help his pitiful little whimper as Stede helped him ease the brace off, pressing a kiss to Ed's knee as he undid the buckles. So this was his fault! He had ruined everything!

"I'm really sorry," he said, his voice thick with unshed tears.

"Oh, Ed, sweet pea, no," Stede gasped, straightening up to pull Ed into his arms. Ed gratefully tucked his face into Stede's chest, bringing his arms up to cling to him tightly. "It's not your fault. You were just in a rush this morning, that's all."

"Do we have to go home?" Louis piped up.

Ed's heart sank. The kids were going to hate him now, they'd blame him for cutting the day short -

"We can watch a movie and make soup," Alma said, then. "That's what Mom does for me when I'm sick!"

Ed blinked.

"We'll need to get candy," Louis added, nodding at Ed like it was a very important matter. "Candy always cheers me up."

"C'mon, love," Stede said, gently starting to pull back. "Do you think you can make it to the car?"

Ed's hesitance was all Stede needed, and he nodded smartly before tucking one arm under Ed's knees, wrapping the other around his back, and cleanly picking him up.

"Stede!" Ed gasped, his arms going around Stede's neck on instinct. "You don't have to carry me!"

"I want to," Stede grinned, bringing out his dimples, his eyes so warm and soft the traces of Ed's guilt started to melt. "Let me take care of you, Ed."

"Alright," Ed allowed, resting his head on Stede's shoulders. "Do you kids even appreciate how fuckin' strong your dad is?"

Louis popped up to his tip-toes. "I wanna be like that when I'm big!"

Stede's pace stuttered, swaying on his feet, and Ed grabbed for him when he nearly dropped him in his shock.

"Did you hear that?" Stede whispered as the kids ran ahead of them down the boardwalk, getting their fill of the last of the sights on the way back to the car. "He wants to be like me! Can you believe that?"

"I sure can, yeah," Ed smiled, allowing himself to feel safe and warm and held.

His eyes flicked out over the water, and he remembered a beautiful, shimmery golden mermaid coaxing him back up towards the shore. Stede had always protected him, always wanted to help him.

"Hey, Stede?" Ed asked softly. "D'you think I'm being a burden right now?"

"Not at all," Stede said easily. "You could never be a burden, Ed. Never."

Ed had a family who wanted to take care of him. Who weren't mad at him for being in pain. Who were alright with uncomplainingly cutting their day short to take him home to rest.

What a lovely change.

Chapter Text

What a delight, to be wanted, to be needed.

In his heart of hearts, Stede had truly expected, before the kids' trip to visit them, that he'd be a bit secretly relieved when it was almost over. He'd expected to have a nice time with them, of course, but he'd also anticipated spending those last few days looking forward to having his home and his Ed all to himself again. That was just in his nature, he thought. He'd always been a selfish sort of person.

And maybe it was still selfish of him, if such a big reason for being sad about the kids' departure in a few days was just because he liked feeling, for the first time, that they actually needed him. That they actually liked him.

Hell, Stede was still getting used to Ed liking him so much!

He never thought he'd have a partner like Ed, who didn't just put up with Stede, but who listened to him and cared so much about what he had to say. Who desired him, too! Who was proud to be seen with him!

Public displays of affection were never something Stede thought he'd get to have. Who would want to be seen with him? Mary certainly hadn't liked it. But Ed loved to hold his hand in public, and give him sweet kisses on the cheek, and hold up lines with kisses that got a bit…heated.

Maybe, Stede thought, Ed liked feeling wanted, too.

By the time they made it back from their trip to the boardwalk, Ed's knee was obviously hurting him badly. He'd been walking on it far too long that day, and Stede would be damned if he ever allowed Ed to suffer when he had the power to do something about it.

But there were two worried kids zooming around their feet as Stede helped Ed inside, Ed's arm wrapped around his shoulders.

"Hey, kids," Stede said as he helped Ed ease himself down onto the couch, "you know what would probably help cheer Ed up?"

Louis perked up immediately. "He needs some ice cream!"

"I'll get it!" Alma said, streaking off.

"No fair," Louis whined, chasing after her. "I wanna help!"

Ed huffed out a laugh, resting his head on the back of the couch. "They're just like you."

"What, in that they want to feed you ice cream?"

"They like taking care of people," Ed said simply, wincing as Stede gently extended his knee. "Oh, motherfu-uuuudger."

"Good save," Stede quipped humorlessly, gently rubbing Ed's other thigh to comfort him as he inspected the damage. Ed's poor knee looked awful, with nasty purple bruises from how he'd accidentally adjusted the buckles too tightly that morning, the skin over his kneecap red and swollen. "Rate your pain for me, love?"

"Three," Ed said immediately.

Stede raised his head, leveling him with an unimpressed glare. "Edward."

"Maybe, like, a seven," Ed admitted, his eyes falling down to the floor, looking up at Stede shyly through his eyelashes. "It hurts really bad."

Stede sighed, and he set about the task of helping Ed feel better. He was an old hand at helping with Ed's knee by now.

He got Ed wrapped up in a nice warm blanket and grabbed Ed's favorite bunny slippers for his feet. Ed was always prone to feeling cold when he was in pain or not feeling well. Stede could hear the kids talking in the kitchen as he passed, and it was taking them a bit longer than ice cream probably should, but he was grateful for the distraction for the moment. He wanted to devote his full attention to making sure Ed was taken care of.

Ed had a prescription of strong painkillers for flare-ups, and Stede brought him a couple of his pills along with their jar of tiger balm. Tonight, Ed's poor knee hurt so badly that even Stede's gentle massage as he rubbed the balm into the joint was almost unbearable, and he was squirming in his seat, biting his lip.

"Ed, honey," Stede sighed, pulling back after only a couple seconds, his fingers still sticky with the balm he hadn't been able to rub in. "I can't - I don't want to hurt you."

"You couldn't," Ed said, his face still creased with pain. "Don't worry, man, you couldn't."

"I am, though." Stede looked miserably down at Ed's poor knee. "I don't know if I've ever seen it this bad, sweetheart."

Ed's silence started to take on a distinctly guilty tone.

Stede wrapped his hands off on the napkin he'd brought and pulled himself up to sit next to Ed on the couch, resolving to try re-applying the tiger balm once Ed had had time for the painkillers to start to kick in. He took Ed's shaky hand, raising it to his lips.

"I'm not mad," Stede said gently, squeezing Ed's hand, "but can you tell me when your knee started to hurt?"

Ed worried at his lip. "Not long before we left."

Dammit, Ed was awful at lying to Stede. He always tried to look too nonchalant, but he obviously cared way too much to pull it off, and he just wound up looking afraid. Like a part of him was still convinced Stede was going to yell at him.

"Ed," Stede said warningly. "I'm not going to be angry with you, love, but I need to know. I'm worried we might have to take you to the doctor, especially if it got this bad that quickly."

Ed took a deep breath, his eyes flicking away, landing on the ceiling. "It started hurting not long after we got there."

That was worse than Stede had thought. Ed had been in pain all day - and he hadn't trusted Stede enough to tell him?

"It's not that I didn't want you to know," Ed quickly said, because they could pick up on each other's feelings too well, sometimes. Stede sometimes thought Ed knew him better than he knew himself. "I just didn't want to ruin the day."

"I can understand that, I suppose," Stede sighed, letting Ed sandwich his hand between both of his, idly playing with Stede's fingers. "But…you know what, Ed?"

"Mm?"

"If you'd told me right away…" Stede shrugged. "I would've checked your brace, and we'd have noticed it was too tight sooner. We could've taken more frequent breaks. If you'd told me, it might never have gotten this bad, and we might still be there right now."

Ed looked stricken. "I didn't think about it like that."

Stede leaned to the side to kiss his forehead. "I know you didn't."

"And I'm sorry you have to fuss over me now."

"Keep a secret?" Stede smiled, knocking his foot against Ed's. "I love fussing over you."

Ed's smile was small and hesitant but genuine, and he'd been just opening his mouth to speak when they heard a clatter of feet as the kids raced back into the living room, holding one of the big mixing bowls between them.

"This'll make you feel loads better," Alma declared, holding it out.

Ed burst out laughing. The kids had taken scoops from every flavor of ice cream they had in the freezer, filling up the mixing bowl, and they'd used the squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup to spell out GET WELL SOON ED on top.

"This is great," Ed gushed, excitedly grabbing the spoon Louis handed him. "Help me eat it?"

They wound up sitting around Ed's spot on the couch, taking turns dipping their spoons into the bowl, and…y'know, Stede thought, it was a bit strange how you never really get what home feels like until suddenly you have it.

"We're all going to regret eating this much ice cream in the morning," Stede sighed fondly, watching Ed dip his finger directly into the bowl to catch a stray speck of chocolate syrup.

"Worth it," Ed winked, his face crinkling with his smile.

The kids were tuckered out, Louis already soundly asleep on Ed's shoulder, Alma sleepily sort of waving her spoon around in the bowl. Stede was going to miss them, when they had to go back to their mom's.

"Hey," Ed said gently, and Stede realized the sadness on his face. "They'll be back soon. It's not forever."

"I wish we'd picked a house closer to them," Stede admitted softly.

Ed's eyebrows started to furrow. "Do you…do you not like it here?"

"No, no, I love it," Stede hurried to reassure him. "It's just…I guess I wasn't expecting to feel like this."

"You're a good dad, Stede," Ed said softly, knocking his head against Stede's shoulder. Stede wished he could believe him. He wished he didn't still feel like he was fucking up somehow, whether he was acting like a good dad or not. He wished he didn't just feel selfish for it.

But tonight…tonight, they were sleepy, and it had been a good day, and tomorrow would be a good day, too. Stede was going to make sure of it.

Stede picked up their ice cream bowl to take it back to the kitchen, giving Ed a quick kiss before he left. Soon, he'd have to pick the kids up and carry them to bed.

But for now, maybe, for now…they could just snuggle. Stede's heart swelled with joy when he sat back down and Alma let her little head rest on his shoulder, and Ed cuddled up as close to him as he could. Kraken trotted in, never one to miss out on a snuggle, and rested with his big silly head on Stede's feet. For now, Stede could just enjoy the feeling of knowing, for the first time in his life, that everyone there wanted Stede around.

Stede made sure Ed's leg was propped up comfortably on the stool in front of him. He fancied the swelling had already gone down a bit. "How's that feel?"

Ed yawned massively, squeaking a bit on the exhale, and he let his eyes slip closed as he rested his head on Stede's chest. "Perfect, Stede. It feels perfect."

Funny. Stede felt the same way.

Chapter Text

"It's definitely weird, isn't it?" Ed glanced over his shoulder as he examined himself in the mirror. "Like…I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it's too good to be true, and it's all going to get snatched away from me sooner or later. Do you get that, too?"

He looked around to where Kraken laid on the bed, his head resting politely on his paws, his little eyebrows furrowed as he watched Ed get his outfit together. He let out a little huff.

"Damn right," Ed nodded, turning back around. Kraken had always been a good listener.

He was going to miss the kids, Ed thought with a pang. He'd enjoyed chasing them around the backyard, and getting to go on long walks with them, and how Alma never tired of playing fetch with him.

(Ed was going to miss them, too.)

"They'll be back before we know it," Ed told Kraken gamely, giving him a smile and a rub between the ears. "We're thinking about having everyone stay over for Passover this year! My mama, Mary and Doug, the kids…"

Ed shook his head. "Can you believe that? All of Stede's family, they want in on our holidays? Just because it matters to us?"

One of Ed's old boyfriends had flat-out refused to "indulge" Ed's "made-up" holidays. Fuckin' asshole. Sometimes, it really hit Ed square in the chest just how decent a guy Stede was.

Speaking of his mama, though…she was asking about when she'd be able to come around for a visit, and that added even more things to do to the list. They'd have to get her guest room ready, of course, and Ed wanted to make the house look a bit cozier before then. He really needed to text Fang to hang out before then, too, he didn't want to lie to her when she asked how he was doing socially…

At a noise from the living room, Kraken straightened up, tilting his head.

"You're right," Ed nodded, forcing his brain back on track. "What do you think? I'm aiming for something sexy, but not too sexy, because of the kids and all. Bit of a teasing vibe, maybe?"

Kraken yawned.

"You're no fun," Ed mumbled, examining himself with a critical eye in the mirror. Stede wanted to go out for a nice lunch at the best restaurant in town to celebrate their last day with the kids! It was important! He was currently wrangling the kids into their clothes, so Ed had a perfect opportunity to surprise him with a bomb-ass look.

Stede had said the dress code was semi-formal, so Ed had had a lot of room to play around without feeling out of his depth. He'd borrowed a soft-pink button down from Stede's side of their closet, dressed up with a black pocket square and rolled up to the elbows to show off his tattoos. He wrapped up the ensemble with an ankle-length, smart black skirt, just short enough that Stede would be sure to catch a glimpse of his new pink fishnet stockings underneath. In short? It was a tease of an outfit, put together to leave Stede wanting more -

"Ed, love, are you dressed?" Stede rapped softly on the door frame. "I was thinking -"

Ed pulled the door open with a grin. "Matching earrings?"

"Matching earrings," Stede confirmed, his voice going a bit mumbly as he looked Ed up and down. "Fuck me, Ed, you look amazing -"

"Dad said fuck," Louis yelled from the living room.

"No I didn't! Your ears are playing tricks on you!" Stede smartly pulled the door closed behind him, rolling his eyes. "Louis is being a bit of a terror, Ed, just to warn you. What do you think? Wanna share a pair?"

The suggestion to share a pair of earrings (one of their favorite getting-dressed routines) made Ed forget almost entirely about how strange it hit him to hear Stede describe one of the kids as a terror. It just didn't feel like him…

Ed's buddy Ivan had sent them a care package just last week with some fun earrings, and they picked out a pair designed to look like peanut butter and jelly jars. Stede stuck the peanut butter one in his pierced ear, and Ed got the jelly. Cute as fuck.

It was shaping up to be a perfect last day. Ed felt great. Stede looked amazing, in a fetching teal shirt and a pair of dress pants that were doing incredible things with how they hugged his calves. Ed had already seen Alma's dress, a fun little seafoam-green thing that she loved swishing around in (took after her dad there, clearly), and there wasn't much room for worry in his mind -

Until they stepped out and Louis was still in just his t-shirt and jeans, sitting on the couch with his arms crossed and his suit crumpled on the floor in front of him.

Ed frowned. "Louis? Champ, you okay?"

"He's fine," Stede snapped, crossing his arms, the perfect image of an older Louis, his lips pursing tightly. "Louis, I said for you to change into your suit!"

"I don't wanna!" Louis looked up, his eyes swimming with tears, and Ed's heart just broke. Poor little guy looked so upset, so similar to Stede in how his eyebrows pinched and his lip wobbled that Ed could hardly take it. "It hurts!"

"It doesn't hurt, and we both know it," Stede said sharply. "C'mon, now, we're going to be late."

"Stede," Ed interrupted softly, absolutely shocked. "He doesn't have to - isn't there anything else he could wear?"

"Mom sent me with a polo shirt," Louis piped up, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "Just don't make me put on the dress shirt, I hate it, it hurts!"

Stede started to shake his head.

"That's fine," Ed said quickly. "You can go put that on instead, bud."

Stede stared at him, open-mouthed, looking so absolutely betrayed Ed could hardly make eye contact as he asked Alma to take Kraken out on a quick walk before they left.

Now he'd fucked it up. Stede wasn't looking at him, and he looked royally pissed, and he kept letting out these bitchy little huffs…

"Hey," Ed said, gently, smiling softly when Stede glanced up at him on instinct. "Emergency hug?"

Stede pouted. "No, thank you."

Oh, damn. Stede was hitting him with his polite voice. That meant Ed had really fucked up.

"Here's how I see it," Ed said, very carefully. "It's not a super fancy restaurant. A polo is only a little step down, especially if he's okay with wearing the suit jacket over it. And I wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable the whole time - what good would that be? We can help him find a few nice dress shirts later, ones that he'll actually be okay with wearing."

"It's not about that," Stede snapped, in a tone that let Ed know it was very much about that. "We're supposed to be a united front, Edward!"

Ed winced. Stede almost never called him Edward.

"Sure," Ed agreed, tilting his head, "and we are, babe, we are. I never wanna argue with you in front of the kids or anything. But…I mean, you wouldn't make me go to dinner in a shirt I hated, would you?"

Stede's head snapped up, his eyes widening. "It's different."

Ed patiently raised his eyebrows. "How? If anything, it's worse, because Louis is just a little kid, he doesn't have the autonomy to choose his own clothes."

To his horror, Stede's lower lip started to wobble.

"Aww, babe, c'mere," Ed sighed, opening his arms, and this time, Stede gratefully accepted the emergency hug, sniffling into Ed's shoulder as Ed kissed his forehead. "What's this really about, babe?"

"Isn't having to wear clothes that hurt supposed to be part of it?" Stede said miserably. "Part of…being a little boy?"

"I don't think it should be, baby, no," Ed said gently. "And that's really not something I want to teach the kids."

"No," Stede sighed after a moment. "No, me neither."

When Louis came out of the bathroom in his polo shirt, he obviously looked and felt worlds better. It was just as great a day as Ed had hoped for, even if Stede was a little quiet, a little more careful with the kids than normal.

But that night, supervising as the kids got their suitcases packed, already groaning about the drive to the airport in the morning, Stede pulled Ed aside.

"I think," he said, very slowly, not meeting Ed's eyes, "don't laugh, Ed, promise me you won't, but…do you think I might have autism?"

"Yeah," Ed said immediately, blinking at Stede's gobsmacked expression. "Did you not know?"

Stede actually stomped his foot. "How is it people keep figuring out things about me before I do?"

"Aww, babe." Ed leaned his head on Stede's shoulder. "Wanna come with me to my therapy appointment next week?"

"No."

"Think about it? For me?"

Ed hit Stede with his big eyes, at just the right angle to make sure his face looked extra cute, and Stede sighed. "I'll think about it. You manipulative little -"

"Careful, don't curse in front of the kids again."

"It's not my fault their hearing suddenly becomes superhuman whenever I say fuck -"

"Dad said fuck again!" Louis crowed.

Stede laughed, letting his forehead bonk against Ed's. "I think I'm going to miss this."

Yeah. Ed squeezed his man tight, wishing he could stay right here forever, happy and safe and warm, in a house full of love and people who were trying their level fucking best. He got that.

Chapter Text

Stede had thought he'd known what dropping the kids off at the airport would be like.

A little sad, at the worst. He knew Kraken was going to miss them - it turned out that their dog was pretty great with kids, as long as the kids were respectful of his boundaries and treated him like a dog instead of a toy. He knew Ed was going to struggle; he was taking to being a step-dad in a way neither of them had really expected. Hell, Stede was anticipating that the kids themselves would maybe be a little bummed, but nothing major.

And Stede himself? He hadn't imagined any possibility other than being…well, fine. Perfectly fine. Some men just weren't meant to be fathers, and honestly, in his heart of hearts, Stede thought he was one of them.

But then they made it to the airport, the kids bundled up in jackets despite the warm weather here because it was cold back home, and Stede was a bit surprised by the hollow feeling in his chest.

He'd never been a present father. Why did he suddenly want to be, now he lived across the country from the kids?

They parked the car so they could walk the kids as far into the airport as they were allowed, Stede probably annoying them by nagging too much about whether they had their tickets and they knew where they were going and if they were warm enough and had money for lunch. He tried not to feel absurdly jealous when they both hugged Ed first, Louis' eyes swimming with tears, talking about how they'd missed him and they'd had a lot of fun -

And then Alma rocketed to Stede, throwing her little arms around his middle in a tight hug, burying her face in his tummy and warbling out a tiny little "I don't wanna go," and Stede felt a lot like a deer in headlights.

"Yeah, you do," he said, lamely, not sure what else he could possibly say. "You don't want to have to stay away from your mom forever, right?"

She lifted her head, her lip wobbling. "Could we stay a bit longer?"

"Next time," Ed promised when Stede looked up to him for help. He had his hand resting on Louis' shoulder, both the kids' backpacks hanging from his arm, and he looked as lost as Stede felt. "Don't worry, kiddo, you'll see us again before you know it."

"I love you," Alma whispered, hugging Stede a bit tighter, and that shook Stede straight down to his core.

He knew he was probably on autopilot, a bit, as he helped Ed double-check to make sure the kids really had packed everything in their suitcases and their bags were stocked with games and books for the flight. They got pictures to send to Mary, the four of them smiling and hugging in front of the terminal, and Ed obliged Louis by carrying him on his shoulders one last time as they walked them to the security checkpoint, which was as far as they were allowed to accompany them with no tickets.

Louis had Ed promise to send postcards every single week, and Stede knew that Ed would have a blast doodling Pokémon and silly cartoons on them to make the kids laugh. Because Ed was good with kids, it was only natural that the kids loved him so much…

Alma gave Stede another very tight hug before she had to get in line, and Stede realized he hadn't said it back -

He knelt in front of them, at Louis' eye level, and he did his best.

"I love you both," he said, "I'm sorry I - I'm doing my best. I'm sorry it's not more, I'm sorry it's never been enough -"

"Stede," Ed breathed softly, his hand landing on Stede's shoulder.

"I love you," Stede repeated, a bit lamely.

"Yeah," Louis said, looking at Stede with that bitchy little scrunch of his eyebrows that Stede saw in his own face in pictures. "I love you, too."

Like it was obvious.

And then Alma said it again, "I love you," like it was just something that Stede got to hear from his kids.

They stood and watched as long as they could, waiting for the kids to wave to them before they went out of sight, and…

Stede did pretty damn well, he thought, holding Ed's hand all the way back to the car, and then he absolutely fell apart.

"Oh, shit, babe," Ed yelped when Stede buried his face in his hands, accidentally setting off the car horn with his forehead as he hunched over and cried.

Stede heard Ed's car door open, had a brief moment of panic that Ed was so embarrassed of him he was leaving, and then his own door opened and Ed was pulling him into his arms.

"I know, babe, I know," Ed soothed, letting Stede sob into his chest, running his fingers gently through Stede's hair. Stede didn't make a habit of crying on his fiancé, but when he did, Ed always tucked them right together, bracing Stede's chin with his shoulder so Stede couldn't curl up into a miserable little ball, like the world's biggest and most pathetic pillbug. Made it feel a bit more manageable. "It's alright, I've got you."

"I'm a bad father," Stede peeped, his voice coming out small and strange.

To his surprise, Ed laughed.

Stede raised his head, his face streaked with tears. "Edward."

"Sorry, Stedey-pie, I'm not laughing at you," Ed said, punctuating it with a kiss to Stede's forehead. "It's just…no, bro, you're not. Not even close."

Stede sniffled miserably. "I was never there for them -"

"You are now," Ed shrugged. "Stede, babe, I'm not saying you were always perfect, but I'm not going to blame you for not being the best father in the world when you were stuck in a life you hated. Listen, man, I know what bad dads are like, and you do, too, and you're not that."

Ed did have a tiny bit of a point. Stede could acknowledge that. He certainly wasn't like Ed's dad, who hurt him and made him feel so afraid. He was trying not to be his own father, who had made him feel so small and belittled. But he didn't know if just not being them made him good.

"I don't want to be like our dads," he managed to squeeze out.

"You're not," Ed promised him. "You're not. You're okay, Stede, I promise. The kids love you, man, they love you."

"They just don't know any better."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Stede. They told you themselves, right?"

"I think," Stede admitted, "that was the first time they've ever told me that."

"Aww, Stede." Ed's eyebrows crinkled adorably, and he reached out, gently cupping Stede's face in his hands, sweeping his thumbs across Stede's teary cheeks. "You're doing a good job, I promise. You're trying, that's like half the battle, right?"

"I wish." Stede covered Ed's hands with his own, keeping him there. "When is Passover? April, right?"

"Yeah?"

That brought another wave of tears. April was months away. By then, Alma would've surely hit another growth spurt, and Louis would've lost a few more baby teeth, and it would happen, as always, without Stede being there for it.

"I've missed so much," he cried, letting Ed pull him closer again.

"I know, love," Ed whispered, kissing his cheek. "Life happens so fast, doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

"But…" Ed pulled back a bit, smiling softly. "We've got a good one, don't we? It's not going anywhere. The kids aren't going anywhere. We're gonna try to call more often, okay? It'll be okay, love. We're gonna make this work."

Stede managed a nod. "Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you. So much."

"Alright." Ed straightened up, leaving Stede with one last kiss on the forehead. "What do you say we go home, and we catch up on some of the things we've been missing with the kids around?"

"Ooh, like those waffles we like that we haven't been able to make because Alma hates waffles and Louis goes along with whatever she says?"

Ed's smile softened, looking at him so warmly, so tenderly, Stede couldn't look away. To think, that someone as precious as Ed loved him so much.

"Stede," Ed said fondly, "I was talking about having sex. You know that thing we've been wanting to do?"

"Oh, with you riding me while -"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

They burst out laughing, Ed's forehead falling to rest against his, and Stede pulled him in for a kiss, a bit wet and emotional but no worse for it.

"Let's go home," Ed said, pouting softly when Stede pulled back so he could win one more kiss in consolation. "It'll be okay, Stede."

And, for the first time, Stede really believed that.

Chapter Text

Stede didn't even know yet how amazing Ed's surprise for him was going to be, and that was - that was Ed's fucking promise to the universe, right there!

Things had been quiet since the kids had gone back to Mary's. That wasn't bad, certainly, but the routine they settled in had become easy and predictable, especially now that the house was starting to look really good and the to-do list had shrunk considerably.

They woke up whenever they liked (usually still woefully early, because Stede was a morning person), and they stayed in bed and cuddled until their bodies demanded they get up and move. They took turns making breakfast and their morning tea (though, usually, Ed had Stede make the tea, because he could never get it quite right himself). They took Kraken on a long morning walk together, hand-in-hand, and devoted the rest of their days to doing exactly what they wanted to do and no less.

The peace and contentment of it was new. Ed was trying not to let it freak him out.

And he was trying not to freak out about how Stede had seemed just a little down, lately. He wasn't sad, not necessarily, and he promised that he wasn't upset or angry with Ed over anything. Ed thought he was just feeling a little out-of-sorts, knowing that they wouldn't be seeing the kids again until April, which suddenly felt an eternity away.

But Ed had been working on expanding his DIY skills. They'd always been there, what with growing up in the punk scene and all. In punk communities, clout really came from making as much of your cool shit yourself as possible. And he'd been having fun, now that he was officially retired, on learning more and more crafting skills. Cross-stitching? He was fuckin' amazing at it. Scrap-booking? There was already an adorable finished album waiting on a shelf for when his mama came to visit.

So crocheting? Shouldn't be that hard, right? Ed was surely going to be a natural at it!

He asked Stede what he wanted, but Stede had just smiled, and kissed his cheek, and said to "surprise me."

So surprise him Ed would.

It was a great reason, too, to call up his old friend Fang, who knew how to crochet well. Fang was the bass player for Queen Anne's Revenge, but the band was on the off-season, now, so Fang even volunteered to set up a daily video call with Ed so he could help talk him through it.

And…Ed hadn't realized the kind of joy he'd been denying himself all these years, never really allowing his relationship with Fang to progress from "bandmates" to "actually really friends."

Ed still felt a bit guilty for how he'd acted as the band's frontman - he'd been so convinced that it couldn't ever be good that he'd kinda forced everyone else to go along with his misery. He knew Fang felt some guilt, too, but it wasn't his fault that Ed hadn't ever allowed the band to see how bad things had gotten.

They were, Ed found himself having to remind himself less and less often, sweet now. They were okay. They could just sit, now, and laugh about the good times and remember the bad times and just…be with each other, in a way they never had before.

Fang didn't live too far away. He said they'd have to go on a sea fishing trip together soon. It still scared Ed, a bit, the idea of just trying to really be friends with someone who'd seen the worst of him - and that was why he agreed to the idea. Fang had been so excited, it made Ed smile just thinking about it.

Plus, for as much as he loved Stede with all his heart, there were some things that Ed just needed that he could only get from his friendship with Fang. Fang was another Polynesian queer man, who really got what that was like in a way Stede just couldn't. With Fang, Ed could drop in slang that Stede couldn't understand, they could bitch about the way the tabloids talked about them during the band's heyday, they could commiserate over what the sea air did to their hair.

It was special.

"Hey, uh," Ed said one day as they worked, looking down at his crocheting needle, "you're gonna be there, at the wedding, right?"

Fang snorted. "Where else would I be?"

Ed hadn't stopped smiling for the rest of the day.

Fang estimated that it would take about twenty hours of dedicated work to crochet a sweater, so for an entire week, Ed turned it into his part-time job. He was, as he'd expected, a natural! He learned the basic stitches quickly, and he had a knack for memorizing the pattern Fang sent him as he went so he didn't have to keep checking his work as often.

Now, to be fair, Ed tended to get a bit carried away with talking to Fang, which sometimes meant he could lose count or accidentally carry a row on too long or too short. He could accidentally get to working too fast, then become enraptured by how fast he was going, and lose count because he wasn't paying attention.

He wasn't worried about it. This sweater was gonna be the fuckin' bomb.

When they declared it done, Ed was very, very pleased. He'd made Stede a cardigan, using one of his Stede's (normal, boring) cardigans to guesstimate the measurements. It was done up in rainbow stripes, with big chunky cuffs at the wrist so Stede could have fun making sweater paws. He'd even carefully embroidered Stede's name over the chest, just because that was cute.

"It's a great first attempt," Fang said when Ed excitedly showed him the finished product.

Ed squinted at him. This was not just a great first attempt. This was a 10/10 sweater. This thing would probably get Ed into Juilliard if he sent it to them in lieu of a traditional application.

He was so excited to give it to Stede. Fang promised him Stede would love it.

So Ed edged out into their living room, the sweater behind his back, trying to hide the grin on his face. Stede had been playing with Kraken on the couch - Kraken was a bit lazy, so they'd mostly just been lazily high-fiving each other.

Ed might've hyped it up a bit. "Guess what your present is," and all that. Really building the anticipation.

And it had been great, at first.

Stede had been so excited to see it. Ed had preened while Stede gushed about the colors and the neat stitches.

But then Stede had put it on, and…

Oh, no.

Ed realized a lot of things very quickly.

First: using one of Stede's old cardigans as a measurement guide had probably not been the best idea, because he'd forgotten that the first row of stitches tended to tighten up as you go, and he'd really just eyeballed it, so Stede's new cardigan was too snug around the middle and too roomy around the shoulders. When not laying flat as Ed worked on it, the edges looked uneven when actually on Stede's body, and Ed maybe should've been keeping better track of his rows as he went. One side was noticeably shorter than the other, and he hadn't gotten the taper on the sleeves quite right. One sleeve only went just past Stede's elbow, and the other was so baggy Stede probably could've fit both arms through it. He must've accidentally turned the cardigan around as he was embroidering Stede's name on it and gotten the d backwards, too, because it definitely said Stebe.

"Stede, babe," Ed gasped in horror, "I'm so, so sorry - here, give it back, I'll try again -"

To his surprise, Stede stepped back from Ed's grabby hands. "Too late! This is mine!"

Ed sighed, looking down at the floor. "Stede, you don't have to pretend to like it."

"Pretending?" Stede snored, and Ed finally looked at his face, catching him as he ran his fingers reverently over the careful (but obviously messy, now Ed was looking at it with a critical eye) rows of yarn. "Ed, you made this! For me!"

Ed blinked. "Uh. Yeah?"

Stede pulled him into a tight hug. "Ed, you're incredible! No one's ever done something like this for me before!"

"Yeah, well." Ed hugged him back, trying to see anything good in the sweater and not having much luck, now. "You really like it?"

"Of course!" Stede laughed, smacking a loud kiss to Ed's cheek to make him laugh. "You put so much time and love into Ed, I can practically feel it! It's warm, and it smells like you, and - it's like you're giving me a hug, Ed!"

"Well, that's probably because it's a bit too tight," Ed mumbled. "I'll do better next time."

Ed hardly realized what a strange thing that was to hear coming from his own mouth until Stede beamed at him.

Next time. Because it wasn't the end of the world if Ed didn't get it perfectly at first. He could try again. And again, as many times as he needed.

No more being Blackbeard. No more need to be perfect, all the time.

Maybe, now, Ed could just make something, and it wouldn't have to be perfect, and Stede would love it because it was Ed who made it.

"You'll have to make one for Kraken, too," Stede laughed, holding out a sleeve for him to sniff.

Ed rolled his eyes, and he felt his shoulders just relax as he leaned into Stede's side, and…yeah. He loved his life.

Chapter Text

Stede knew Ed well enough to know when something was wrong.

The thing about Ed was that he was never quite as slick as he thought he was, and it was always easy to see through him when he was feeling down. He got quiet and mopey, and a little extra clingy and affectionate, and he seemed even more desperate for Stede's praise and attention than usual.

Even when he tried to hide it, he usually tried to mask his worries or fears or pain so strongly that he wound up looping right back around into being obvious about it. Stede couldn't count the times he'd seen him, while he'd been traveling with the band on tour, try so hard to look excited and enthusiastic for his fans that he only looked somehow even more exhausted.

And today? Yeah. Something was definitely wrong.

Stede tried to wrack his brain about it, but by all reckoning, Ed had been perfectly normal that morning. They'd had a nice, long cuddle before getting out of bed, and Ed had seemed cheerful and talkative as ever as he got ready for his day, borrowing one of Stede's warm sweaters to wear when he decided he'd run to the little corner store down the street for some groceries.

And Stede had been expecting him to come back just as cheerful. He'd made lunch while Ed was gone, pulling leftovers out of the fridge to put together smoked salmon sandwiches, Stede's with tomato and aioli and and Ed's with lemon and garlic. He'd been so confident that Ed would return in a fantastic mood that he hadn't even bothered putting on proper clothes. Y'know, for convenience. Ed loved it when Stede just walked around the house in his favorite gold robe. Easy access and all that.

But Ed had come back very subdued.

He was obviously trying to act like he was fine. He smilingly told Stede about how they'd been out of the really good orange juice, but it was okay, because he'd made up for that disappointment by swinging through the candy aisle on his way out. On paper, he seemed normal.

But he was trying too hard. His happy facial expressions were over-exaggerated. He just picked at his lunch, claiming he wasn't hungry. Whenever he thought Stede wasn't looking at him, his face fell into a miserable, blank sort of look.

Stede washed up from lunch, and he came back into the living room to find Ed sitting with Kraken on the couch, sullenly, playing with the dog's big paws.

"Hey, Ed?" Not wanting to make him feel put on the spot, Stede leaned over the back of the couch to kiss his cheek, and Ed leaned into the touch with a happy hum. "Are you sure you're alright, darling?"

Ed's bottom lip wobbled.

"Oh, love," Stede sighed, quickly crossing around the couch to pull Ed into his arms. "It's alright, sweetheart, I promise."

"I don't think it'll ever be alright," Ed squeaked, clinging to Stede tight, his face pressed into the crook of his neck.

"I'm so sorry, little love." Stede rubbed Ed's back in firm, soothing motions. "What happened, Ed? You seemed alright this morning."

Ed pulled back, sniffling, rubbing at his nose. "It's…fuck."

Stede hummed patiently. "What's fuck?"

"Wait here," Ed instructed, and Stede watched as he went to the kitchen, where a few of the bags from his shopping trip were still waiting to be unpacked, heard him rustling around…

Ed returned with a tabloid magazine, and Stede's heart sank.

The tabloids had never been kind to Ed. As a brown gay man who was the lead singer of a popular punk band, Ed had a lot of things going against him. It certainly didn't help that Ed's old band manager, Izzy, had made him feel pressured to lean into the kind of reputation that Ed hated, encouraging him to get into barfights and cause scenes in public.

Things had gotten better, especially after Ed had fired Izzy and the band had put in the work to try and shift their public image. But tabloid publications still had a bad habit of talking about Ed like he was dirty, violent, and unmanageably wild. It made Stede's blood boil, honestly, and at first, he wondered why Ed had even bought this magazine in the first place.

But then he got a good look at the picture on the cover, and he got it. One of the reasons they'd moved into such a small, sleepy town was to stay away from the paparazzi, and they'd been careful about never making their address public, so it was an older photo, from back during the band's last tour. It was a good one, though, a very good one. The magazine's cover was mostly taken up by Ed and Stede, hand in hand, leaning against the stage after a show, Ed's nose crinkled with his smile and Stede mid-laugh.

"It's a good picture," Ed said, a bit lamely.

"It is," Stede agreed. "That's one to keep for your mama's scrapbook, yeah?"

"Yeah," Ed mumbled, scuffing his toe against the floor.

"How bad is the article inside?" Stede asked gently.

Ed shrugged one shoulder, and Stede flipped the magazine open. It didn't take him long to realize why this had made Ed so upset.

BLACKBEARD: VILLAIN OR VICTIM?

by Ricky Banes, private investigative journalist

("Ugh," Stede groaned, "how is this guy still finding work?")

We all remember where we were the day that Queen Anne's Revenge, overrated yet mega-popular pop punk band, announced that their latest tour would be the last for Blackbeard, iconic frontman. It was, truly, one of the moments that will define a generation.

Yet, some pieces of the puzzle don't quite add up.

To hear the public account, Blackbeard is a happily changed man. No more wild parties and barfights. No more crazy publicity stunts. Just a quiet, idyllic life with his new fiancé (who happens to be Stede Bonnet, disgraced former heir to the Bonnet name) in a picturesque beach town and a stock voicemail and email response that declines all requests for comment, interviews, or pictures.

Is this too good to be true? Is it possible to imagine Blackbeard (who has an extensive criminal record) getting this kind of happy ending? In fact, we were all fed a very convenient sob story about how poor Blackbeard has, all this time, been feeling manipulated - is this even true, or are we the ones being manipulated?

In this daring exposé, we're going to examine how likely it is that Blackbeard is merely biding his time before a return to the spotlight. Is he planning a very public break-up with his so-called fiancé to match their public proposal? Is he, in fact, merely pausing his reign of terror before -

With a groan, Stede snapped the magazine shut. Ed was looking at the floor.

"Ed?"

Ed sniffled.

"Ed, love, look at me, please." Stede tossed the magazine beside them on the couch as he pulled Ed down to sit with him, holding Ed's cheek in his hand. Ed didn't do much more than glance up at him through his eyelashes, but that was good enough to be going along with. "Ed, that article was bullshit, and you know it."

"I can't get away from him," Ed said quietly. "I'm never going to be able to get away from being Blackbeard."

"Darling, you already have," Stede said gently, stroking Ed's cheekbone with his thumb, and Ed leaned into his touch. "It's not your fault that some people just can't leave well enough alone."

Ed took a deep, hitching breath. "I'm - I'm scared," he squeezed out, "that you're going to realize you don't want Blackbeard, and -"

"Ed, I love everything about you," Stede said patiently, smiling when Ed's eyes snapped up to meet his. "There is nothing that some stupid tabloid could write about you that could ever change that. I just love being near you. Sharing the same air. Nothing is ever going to take that away from us."

"But Blackbeard -"

"Was a part of you," Stede shrugged. "Blackbeard was a very important performance, and I'm grateful to him, because being Blackbeard helped you stay safe for a long time, right? But that's not all you are, Ed."

"I don't even know who I am, sometimes," Ed squeaked.

"That's okay, because I do," Stede said easily. "I know my Ed. He's fantastic. He's funny, and goofy, and silly. He loves writing song lyrics, and he loves making things, and he loves dressing up in pretty clothes. He's sweet - he's so sweet - and he doesn't even know how fantastic he is. He loves with the entirety of his big sweet heart, and I love him so much, Ed, so much."

Ed sniffled again, and his smile was watery, but it was there. "He sounds pretty alright."

"More than alright. He's the best."

"I love you, Stede." Ed let his head fall to Stede's shoulder, holding him tight, letting himself be held. "I love you."

"I love you!"

That was when Kraken decided that he was apparently being horrifically neglected, and he popped his head between them, trying to wiggle into the snuggle pile. They pulled apart, laughing, and Ed giggled when Kraken licked his cheek.

"Okay?" Stede checked.

Ed took a deep breath. "Yeah. I'm okay."

Later, Stede was going to cut that stupid article up into tiny pieces and throw them into the firepit.

But, right now, all he had to do was hold his precious fiancé and smile as Ed laughed to him about a very silly dachshund he'd seen earlier who was wearing a sweater. And that sounded to him like the perfect way to spend the day.

Chapter Text

Ed was able to put his devious little plan into motion as soon as they got up that morning.

See, he'd been thinking. Stede had been running out of little projects to do around the house, and Ed had suddenly found himself getting more and more concerned that Stede would wind up getting bored with their life. He knew his man was the type of guy who was always on the move, who liked having things to do, who liked having problems to solve. And he was scared that, after decades stuck in a boring, monotonous marriage, he might come to think their slow-paced life was boring and monotonous, too.

But then he realized: they were still them! There was no law saying that the process of courting each other and having fun with it had to end once they were engaged!

So, that morning, as they made breakfast, Ed put his plan into motion. It was Stede's turn to take Kraken out for his morning walk, so he had a little extra time to put some additional oomph on Stede's breakfast.

Ed went all out. He pulled some whipped cream and strawberries out of the fridge, holding his tongue between his teeth as he sprayed little mounds of whipped cream on top of Stede's pancakes, topping them with strawberries. He did his best to arrange the scrambled eggs into the shape of a heart, even if it kind of wound up looking like an indistinct lump. He tried to use Stede's new foam art machine to make a heart in his morning coffee, and didn't quite nail it, but he was no longer as worried that Stede would be angry for him for not getting things exactly right.

Besides, it was the finishing touch that mattered! Ed sneaked out the back door, pretending to just be waving at Stede and Kraken across the yard, and he sneakily clipped a rose from the bush by the door.

Back inside, Stede sat the rose next to Stede's plate, on top of a folded note that said from your secret admirer <3

It was hard to contain his excitement when Stede got back inside. Ed pretended to be just eating his pancakes, giving Kraken a scritch between the ears when he settled next to Ed's seat, his big silly head resting on Ed's thigh.

"Aww, Ed," Stede gushed, "this is lovely - look, you drew a little butt inside my coffee!"

Ed snorted. He loved him so much. "It was supposed to be a heart."

"Oh, yes, I see that now, I totally see it. Definitely a heart. Really good heart, too." Stede took his seat, finally noticing the note. "And what's this?"

Ed just beamed at him, shrugging his shoulders, giddy with the wave of shyness that washed over him. How was it Stede made him feel like a kid with a crush?

"From my secret admirer," Stede breathed, glancing up at Ed over the note.

Stede's face broke out in a wide smile. He'd gotten Ed's game.

"I wonder who my admirer could be?" Stede pretended to ask as he started on his pancakes.

"I dunno," Ed said, kicking his legs under the table like a lovesick schoolgirl. "He must really like you a lot."

Stede smiled at him, a proper big smile that really brought out his dimples, and Ed shyly ducked his head. "He must be as sweet as these pancakes."

And they kept playing their little game all day long, Stede wearing the rose cutting Ed had clipped from him in his shirt pocket like a special reminder.

"I hope my secret admirer likes to cuddle like this," Stede said as they had their customary post-breakfast snuggle on the couch, Ed folded up in Stede's lap and Kraken laying across his feet.

Ed giggled. "I'm sure he does."

Ed had gotten a book that Stede had really been wanting - an older edition of some frilly romance novel that he'd read in high school and had felt like he'd had to throw away after some boys at school made fun of him for it. He left the book on the table for him to find, with love from your secret admirer written inside the front cover in purple glittery gel pen.

"When I find my secret admirer," Stede said, hugging Ed tight after he'd found the book, pulling Ed close to his chest, "I'm going to give him the biggest kiss."

Ed pretended to pout. "Hey! Don't be giving away my kisses!"

Stede went on the hunt for his secret admirer after that, waiting around the kitchen to try and catch someone in the act after he found a special cup of tea and a box of fancy chocolates waiting for him, and it was a little thrill to be sneaky. Neither of them could stop giggling when Ed just managed to dash out of the room before Stede found the little package of heart-shaped buttons he'd been waiting to give Stede after he mentioned he'd like to try tailoring on the side of the counter just before Stede turned around to catch him leaving them.

Somehow, with how hard they both committed to the bit, Ed actually found himself getting a little nervous when it was time for their game to end.

"I just wish my secret admirer was as lovely as you, sweetheart," Stede told him in bed that night, letting Ed pillow his head on his chest.

Ed worried at his bottom lip, reveling in the chance to feel small and shy. "What would you say if it was me?"

Stede pretended to gasp, lifting Ed's head in his hands, his smile bright and infectious. "Of course! Who else could my lovely secret admirer be?"

"Meee," Ed giggled, leaning forward for a kiss that tasted like chocolates and tea with lots of sugar and home.

"This was fun," Stede sighed happily when they pulled apart, giving Ed one last little peck when he pouted at the loss of contact. "Really fun, Ed."

"I had fun, too." Ed let his head fall back to rest on Stede's chest, tracing little nonsense patterns over Stede's chest hair with his forefinger. "I just thought…yeah. Break from the monotony and all."

He could practically hear Stede's frown in his voice. "Monotony? What do you mean, monotony?"

Ed shrugged his shoulder. "I just don't want you to get bored, that's all."

"I couldn't," Stede said earnestly. "Not with you, Ed, never. I never could."

"Mm."

"I'm serious, Ed," Stede said, firmly enough Ed finally raised his head to meet his eyes. "I was always meant to be with you, Ed, do you understand? Always. I could never get bored with what we have."

"But with your wife -"

"That's different, sweet pea," Stede said gently. "That was boring and monotonous because it was wrong, because felt right for her was boring and awful for me. We just didn't fit."

"But…we do fit," Ed filled in, slowly, barely daring to meet Stede's eyes.

Stede's smile softened. "Yeah, love. We fit. It was always you for me, Ed, always. A part of me was always longing for you even before we met."

Ed felt the tension drain out of his body, and he practically melted down into Stede's chest. "I love you. I love you."

"I love you," Stede said, laughing softly as he kissed Ed's forehead. "My not-so-secret admirer."

Chapter Text

Ed was, as it turned out, doing very, very well with therapy. So well that his apparent comfort with it was the thing that finally made Stede cave and agree to set up therapy appointments of his own, too, despite his initial reluctance.

And Stede just didn't understand how Ed was doing so well.

It had taken a little while to find an appropriate therapist for Ed, because it was important to him to have another man of color as his therapist, and they wound up having to drive out to an office an hour up the coast. Stede had been so worried for that first appointment, sitting nervously in the waiting room, wondering how Ed was doing, if he was scared, if he wished Stede was there with him…

But Ed had came out, sharing a laugh and a handshake with his new therapist as they confirmed the date of his appointment next week before he rejoined Stede. He'd been a bit quiet on the way home, in a way that Stede recognized as being thoughtful more than anything else, and when Stede had hesitantly asked him how he thought it had gone, he'd said he thought he could do this.

"What was it like, exactly?" Stede had asked quietly that night as they worked around each other in the kitchen, Stede chopping vegetables by the sink while Ed carefully pan-seared the salmon. "Like, what happened?"

"Honestly?" Ed had shrugged down at the salmon. "We really just talked, man. He said he recognized my name, was a fan of the band when he was younger. We talked a bit about my dad. A bit about the rockstar life, why I left and all. A bit about you."

"Good things, I hope."

"Aww, babe, you know it."

Stede had decided to give it a go. Just talking to someone couldn't be too bad, right?

Besides, the activities that Ed's therapist gave him as homework seemed to be doing him some good. Between his first appointments, Ed was supposed to write up a list of six true things about himself, things he knew about himself that he didn't feel other people had just assigned to him, and Ed had been so proud to show Stede his list.

I'm a good boyfriend. I like it when things are neat and tidy. I'm a musician. I love soft things. I like sweet foods. I have a big heart.

Stede had nearly cried over it. It was such a far cry from the Ed he'd first met, who was so convinced the awful things written about him in the papers were true, that he was actually dirty and violent and mean.

He'd been hoping, when he signed up for a first appointment with another therapist at the office Ed went to, that his therapist could work the same kind of magic on him.

It turned out that the therapist Stede got stuck with was just really mean to him, though.

Ed had initially been excited, thinking that they'd be able use their joint appointments as an excuse to treat themselves to a day out on the town after, rewarding themselves with ice cream and a nice meal. But Stede just hadn't been in the mood for it when he got done being fucking tortured by Evelyn.

Today, she'd sighed at him, looking at him sternly over her desk. "I can't help people who don't want to let me help them," she'd said.

Stede complained of a headache (which wasn't untrue), and he'd still been in a lousy mood by the time they'd gotten home. As if it was his fault he didn't want to tell someone he barely knew about the things he was struggling with! It wasn't his fault Evelyn seemed uninterested in letting him distract her from those sorts of questions by talking about the weather and how cute Ed's outfit was!

So there Stede was, miserably sulking on the couch, and Ed was fucking whistling to himself as he made them tea.

Stede didn't mean to snap when Ed brought in his tea, but he did. "How do you do that?"

Ed blinked, surprised, taking the seat next to Stede on the couch. "Do what?"

"That," Stede repeated, gesturing vaguely. "How are you in such a good mood?"

Ed just looked at him blankly. "Am I…not supposed to be?"

"How can you go through that, and just come back here and act like everything's fine?" Stede huffed, glaring at his teacup. "How are you so good at this?"

"Okay, Stede, hold up." Ed sat his teacup down on the coffee table, reaching out to gently sit a hand on Stede's knee. "Did therapy not go well today? Is that what's wrong?"

Looking down at Ed's hand on his knee, Stede nodded.

"Oh, Stedele, sweet, c'mere." Ed scooted closer, wrapping his arm around Stede's shoulders, and Stede gratefully leaned his head on Ed's shoulder. "It's gonna be weird and scary for a while, it's okay to feel out of sorts -"

"I just can't do it, Ed," Stede burst out, his eyes starting to prickle with tears. "I mean, you've got so much more to talk about in therapy than I do - with your dad, and feeling like you had to be miserable for decades, and -"

"Stede," Ed interrupted gently, "those are both things you have weighing you down, too, man. Yeah, don't look at me like that! Your dad was awful. You were literally stuck in a marriage you hated for years. You were miserable too, babe, you've got a lot to unpack!"

"It wasn't as bad for me, though," Stede sighed.

"Not a competition," Ed said, shrugging, and he pursed his lips. "Stede, you - uh, you do actually talk about that stuff, right?"

Stede guiltily looked away.

"Because," Ed said, tapping a finger against Stede's knee, "just hypothetically, if someone I knew was hypothetically having trouble opening up to his therapist, then, hypothetically speaking, that wouldn't do him any good and would just stress him out. Hypothetically."

"Well, maybe that someone is just hypothetically feeling that he doesn't have any real problems, so -"

"But he does," Ed said firmly, squeezing Stede's shoulder. "And he deserves to be able to talk them through and get the help he needs."

Stede took a deep breath.

"Hypothetically," he said, slowly, "how would that someone go about trying to fix the problem? Hypothetically?"

Ed grinned. "Well, he could start by telling his therapist even one worry he has. Just one, and see how that goes."

"What if she laughs? And says it's stupid?"

"It's literally her job not to do that, babe," Ed reminded him. "Wanna practice? You can try saying anything. As small as you want."

Stede considered. "Uh. I guess - I know this is a stupid, tiny little thing to be scared of - I guess I'm worried that I'm not going to be good at being a husband again."

Ed cheered softly, and Stede couldn't push away his shy grin.

"That's not little at all, for the record," Ed said carefully, giving Stede a smile. "I think that's something that would be really good to talk through with your therapist, yeah? Just tell her, just like you told me right now."

Stede hesitated, worrying at his bottom lip.

"For me?" Ed prompted.

"Alright," Stede agreed, covering Ed's hand on his knee with his own. "I can do that. For you."

"That's my Stedey-pie," Ed laughed, kissing his cheek, and Stede turned his face to kiss him properly.

They might've gotten a bit distracted, because they only realized Kraken had been whining for their attention when he stuck his big head in Stede's lap, doing his best to climb up into the limited space between them.

"Aww, hey, buddy!" Ed laughed, reaching down to help Kraken up. He settled across both of their laps, letting out a long, world-weary sigh, as if he was put up with their theatrics.

Stede smiled, scratching Kraken's chin, and he wondered if the feeling of gratitude he had for his life now was ever going to stop feeling so raw and fragile.

"Hey," Ed said softly, breaking him from his thoughts as he nudged Stede's knee with his own. "Thanks for telling me, Stede. Really."

Stede had never had someone care about him so much.

"Of course," he said, leaning in for another kiss. "Thank you for caring."

"Aww, 'course I care," Ed said, ducking his head shyly. "How could I not?"

What a relief, to be loved by someone who didn't treat it like it was a chore.

Chapter Text

"Do you think it's going to be different?"

Ed raised his head with a sleepy little meep, blinking as he adjusted to the light. Honestly, he hadn't always been the kind of guy to take a nap in the middle of the day! But there he was, fast asleep on Stede's chest, a bit of hair stuck to his cheek with how he'd been laying and a little drool spot on Stede's t-shirt.

Stede was looking at him like he expected a coherent response.

"Mmf," Ed whined, stretching, wiggling his toes in his chunky knitted socks and stretching his arms out before snuggling back down against Stede's chest. "Could you repeat the question?"

"Do you think it's going to be different?" Stede repeated quietly. "When we're married, I mean?"

"Different," Ed echoed, a little dully, propping his chin up on Stede's chest to finally get a good look at his face. Stede looked a bit distant, his eyes far away, his smile a little too guarded. "Different, like, in what way?"

Stede just shrugged.

"Aww, babe, hey." Ed wriggled more properly on top of Stede, taking advantage of the snug situation cuddled up on the couch like this until he was pressed as close as he could get, resting a hand palm-down over Stede's chest so he could feel his heartbeat against his skin. "You're worried, right?"

"I wouldn't say worried, not necessarily, more like concerned -"

"Babe."

"Alright," Stede allowed. "I'm maybe just a little worried, yeah."

"So I want to understand," Ed said with a nod. "If it matters to you, it matters to me. Help me understand?"

Stede took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling as he collected his thoughts, and Ed gave him time. He didn't want to make him feel pressured, not when getting Stede to share how he was feeling was already like pulling teeth at the best of times.

"We're good at being boyfriends," Stede said, finally.

That hadn't been what Ed was expecting, but it was still nice to hear. He smiled, tilting his head to kiss against Stede's chest, right over his heart. "We sure are."

"So, do you think…" Stede worried faintly at his bottom lip, leaving a little indent in his lip that Ed just had to lean forward to kiss. "Do you think we'll be worse at being husbands?"

"Ah," Ed realized. "No."

Ed's immediate answer made Stede sigh, and he shook his head minutely, looking past Ed, just looking through him, and Ed realized it wasn't going to be that easy.

"Hey, hey, babe," he said, gently tapping Stede's cheek with his fingers until he met his eyes again. "Did that come across as dismissive? I didn't mean it to."

"No, no, never," Stede mumbled, in a way that confirmed for Ed that it definitely had. "I'm just being stupid -"

"Uh-uh-uh," Ed said, cutting him off with a finger over his lips. "Remember what your therapist said? Every time you say something mean about yourself, you have to say something nice, too."

Stede glared at him.

Ed brought Stede's hands up, folding them together in his own. "Want me to go first? I love how much you care about me. You take care of me so well, babe."

Slowly, looking as if it hurt as much as literally pulling a tooth, Stede's lip curled, and he spat out "I have nice hair."

"I don't know if that's really meeting the spirit of the exercise, but I'll let it slide," Ed allowed, lifting Stede's hand to his own face. Stede lightly ran his fingers through the stubble along Ed's jaw on instinct, and Ed practically purred. "I'm gonna be honest, Stedele, I'm not sure if I really understand here. You already said we're good boyfriends. So why wouldn't we be good at being husbands? Is it really that different? It just means we'll be committing to living our lives together, that's all."

"Mary and I…" Stede paused, and Ed's heart sank. He should've guessed that was where this was going. "I mean, we never got to have any sort of courtship, of course. And we weren't suited to be married. But we're much better as divorced co-parents than we ever were as a couple, don't you think? We haven't even fought since we got divorced!"

Ed leaned into Stede's hand on his cheek, feeling his frown deepen. He knew that Mary had often been at Stede's throat when they'd been a couple, and not of any fault of her own, they were just very incompatible people, and she'd found the things that Ed loved about Stede annoying or even willfully malignant. But how to help Stede see that?

"So you're worried," Ed said slowly, "that some people are just better off as friends than a couple? And when they take a step forward that they're not supposed to, it fucks everything up?"

Stede looked relieved that Ed finally understood. "Yes."

"Alright. Well." Stede drummed his fingers along Stede's chest, a horrible thought occurring to him. "Wait, Stede, you're not regretting that we got engaged, are you?"

"No," Stede said, so immediately and with such genuine horror that Ed couldn't doubt he meant it. "No, Ed, not at all. It's more just…lots of marriages fail, Ed. And I'm scared that I might make a good boyfriend, but there's just something about me that makes a bad husband, and I'm going to lose you."

Stede's voice had started taking on a slightly hysterical tone, and Ed's heart broke. He scooted forward to kiss Stede's cheek, then his forehead, then the tip of his nose (to make him laugh), then his lips.

"Stede, listen to me," he said, seriously, taking Stede's face in his hands. "If we can't make it work, I don't think anyone could. You're mine, baby, you're mine and I'm yours. I can't wait to be your husband. I can't wait for you to be my husband."

"I'm excited, too," Stede said softly, his smile tugging down at the edges. "But I was such a bad husband, Ed -"

"It's not about you being a bad husband," Ed said gently. "It's about…you and Mary just not being meant for each other. But we are! You know, babe, before you, I never had a boyfriend who was even okay with me calling him my boyfriend because no one wanted to get tied down to me."

"Oh, Ed," Stede groaned, "I can't help but feel that it's not very hard to clear a bar when it's already on the floor."

"Hush, I'm not done making my point yet." Ed gently pinched one of Stede's nipples, making him yelp, and they both laughed. "You're just good, Stede, you're good at figuring out what I need from you. I wanna think that I'm good for you."

"You are," Stede said, his eyes shining with a sort of tenderness that Ed still had trouble looking at head-on. "You're amazing, Ed, sweetheart, amazing."

"We're good at each other," Ed shrugged. "And that's the important thing, right? We never try to tear each other down. I know you'll never hurt me, or get mad at me for wanting you to commit to me. And you know I'll never be too much of a dick to you without apologizing."

Stede snorted. "Honey, you're never a dick to me."

"We're good partners," Ed said, nodding his head declaratively. "No matter what. We're good boyfriends, and I know we'll be good husbands, because we're just good at being partners for each other."

"Partners," Stede repeated thoughtfully. "I like that. It makes it feel…"

"Yeah, I like it, too. Like it's equal, and it's always us against all the problems we have, never us against each other."

"And we'll be good partners," Stede said, like he was testing out how it felt in his mouth, "no matter if we're just boyfriends or if we're husbands. Because that's going to stay the same."

Ed kissed his nose. "Exactly!"

"Huh," Stede said, his smile starting to spread across his face. "I like that."

If there was an award for best boyfriend, Ed thought smugly, resting his head against Stede's chest again, Ed would've already won it. They'd have to frame it and stick it up in the living room.

Stede patted Ed's hip. "C'mon, love, d'you wanna get started on dinner?"

Ed clung to him tighter. "Five more minutes."

"Whatever you say. Partner."

Ed wrinkled his nose. "You make it sound like we're cowboys."

"Ooh, Ed," Stede giggled, "you know how you like to - what d'you say we head to the bedroom, and you can - uh - giddy up! Ride 'em, cowboy!"

"Ugh." Ed buried his face in Stede's chest. "Why the fuck is that doing it for me?"

Stede's voice was unbearably smug. "Because you're my partner. And we're made for each other."

If Ed had just doomed himself to probably a week's worth of cowboy-themed sex roleplay, then, well…he only had himself to blame. And when Stede was smiling like this, he couldn't even be annoyed about it.

Not for the first time, Ed thought he was the luckiest man in the world.

Chapter Text

Stede had quickly learned one thing about Ed, during their time together: if there was any sort of bug or cold going around, Ed was going to catch it.

It was one of the few ways in which he and Ed really couldn't have been less similar. Stede had always had a pretty stellar immune system, and he could usually hope to resist most little illnesses going around even if he was exposed. Ed, though - someone two states over could sneeze, and Ed would catch their cold.

The fortunate thing was that Stede was pretty good at playing nurse, and Ed always made himself an easy patient. When he was sick, he got clingy and quiet and especially affectionate, easily lonely and desperate for cuddles and affection. And that was great, really, because Stede loved to dote on him! While the band was on tour, with all the exposure to people and places, it had felt like Ed had had to fight to keep himself healthy, but he'd always been a model patient, even if it felt like he could never really break free of head colds and stomach bugs.

So when rumors of a nasty little stomach flu had started going around town, Stede had known it would only be a matter of time.

He'd expected that the flu might be starting to sink its claws into Ed when he just wasn't quite himself for a few days, his usual energy and enthusiasm and easily-excitable personality dulled by an atypical lethargy, becoming easily tired and frequently winded. He'd gotten a bit quiet, a bit mopey, and he'd started to have trouble finishing his food at mealtimes.

It hadn't been a surprise when poor Ed woke up absolutely miserable that morning. Stede had known he was sick before he'd even opened his eyes, just from the way Ed was clinging to him, shivering lightly even under their heavy blankets (Ed was always cold by nature), whining softly when Stede shifted.

Stede had laid a hand over his forehead, wincing at the heat. "Oh, my poor little love."

Ed sniffled loudly, his lower lip sticking out in a pout. It was a testament to how bad he felt that he didn't even try to deny it, just croaked out a terribly sad "I don't feel very good."

Naturally, Stede set himself to the task of caring for Ed with a passion.

In a stroke of good luck, the strain of the flu Ed had caught seemed to be making him miserable, sure, but it wasn't that bad. Stede knew - not long after they'd met, Ed had come down with pneumonia, and then he'd felt so awful that he'd barely even been aware of what was going on. Now, Ed felt just bad enough to know he felt lousy, complaining of a sore throat and an achy head and an upset tummy, but not bad enough for him to just want to spend all day sleeping.

He really just needed some tender loving care.

Stede helped Ed get changed into a warmer set of pajamas to make sure he was comfortable, wrapping him up in his favorite plush leopard-print blanket and propping him up in bed with a cup of honeyed tea to soothe his throat and his Nintendo Switch to keep his hands and brain busy.

Mostly, it seemed that Ed just wanted to be fussed over a bit, and Stede was happy to oblige him. He brushed Ed's hair for him, putting it up in a bun to keep it out of his face, and he was happy to give Ed a nice foot massage and sit next to him holding his hand while he played his game for a bit.

But now it was lunch time, and Ed was finally getting sleepy, so he'd have a nap while Stede put his fantastic plan into motion. Kraken was happy to assist, curling up next to Ed on the bed, resting his big head on Ed's tummy.

And what Ed needed, what would really make him happy…he needed a nice meal with lots of comfort food, right?

After tucking Ed in, kissing his forehead and making him promise to call if he needed anything at all, Stede dashed to the kitchen, pulling up a video call with Ed's mama.

"You've gotta help me," he begged her. "I know I'm not the best chef, but…"

"Aww, Stede, your heart's in the right place," Kaia assured him, waving a hand. "Show me what you've got in your pantry, we'll see what we can do."

According to Kaia, Ed's favorite comfort meal when he was sick had always been matzoh ball soup. They didn't have any matzoh meal, though, and Stede didn't feel confident in his ability to pull a soup together anyway, so they settled on something he thought he could do alright with using food they already had in the house.

Lemon-seared salmon with garlic mashed potatoes. Ed's favorite meal. Stede had seen him make it literally dozens of times, and Kaia was happy to give Stede an overview of what to do before she had to hang up in time to catch her soap operas, reminding Stede to call back if he needed help.

He wouldn't. He was gonna crush this. How long would it take to pull a meal together, anyway? Like, fifteen minutes?

The bad news was that they were fresh out of the salmon fillets Ed always fixed for them, but they had some salmon patties near the back of the freezer. That should be good, right? Stede pulled a couple out of the package, sniffed them, and tried to remember what Kaia had said about searing them.

He warmed up some oil in a pan, then placed the patties on top, feeling rather pleased with himself. A dash of lemon juice from the bottle in the fridge, and…well, that certainly smelled right!

The mashed potatoes seemed a bit harder. Stede chucked a handful of big russet potatoes into a pot, but they were taking forever to start boiling, and he didn't know how long Ed would be asleep!

Frustrated, Stede just put the potatoes on a plate and chucked them into the microwave for ten minutes. Basically the same as boiling them, right?

He only realized he'd forgotten to flip the salmon patties when he smelled something burning as he was pulverizing the mashed potatoes with a fork, stirring in milk and butter and chopped garlic from the container Ed kept in the fridge.

"Fuck," Stede hissed, hurrying over to flip them. They looked…maybe a little blacker than Stede would've preferred, but Ed didn't have a huge appetite today. Maybe he would only want to eat one side of them anyway?

What a mess, Stede thought, glaring down at the potatoes. He'd added a bit too much milk, and they looked soupy.

Maybe he could call Kaia and try again -

"Stede?"

Ed's voice sounded absolutely pitiful, and Stede started when he checked the clock and realized that he'd been going at it for nearly two hours, now. Dammit, he'd wasted most of that time on picking the salmon patties apart to check for bones (because Ed said it was important to de-bone salmon) before he realized they didn't have any bones in them!

No point in stalling. Time to face the music.

But…maybe Ed wasn't hungry?

Stede went to check on him, kissing his still-warm forehead. Ed looked a little bit more alert now than he had that morning, a bit perkier, and he smiled up at him. "What have you been cooking? Something smells good!"

Damn.

"I made your favorite," Stede said cheerfully, and he wasn't sure what he was hoping for. That Ed would fall back to sleep, maybe? That he'd fail to notice Stede's dishes were a bit shit?

Regardless, he plated them carefully, giving the mashed potatoes a few more frantic stirs and picking out some of the least watery bits. He flipped the salmon patties over, realizing now that the side that wasn't comically burnt was a bit underdone.

And he just felt guilty when he carried it into the bedroom on their breakfast tray and Ed's face just lit up.

"You made this for me?" Ed eagerly grabbed for his silverware when Stede sat the tray down. "Thanks, babe, you're the best!"

Stede nervously wrung his hands together.

Ed tried to cut off a piece of salmon, his eyebrows coming together when he realized the knife wouldn't go through. He flipped it over, revealing the blackened side.

"I'm so sorry, Ed," Stede sighed, "I burnt those to a sizzle."

"No matter," Ed said, shrugging easily, going in for a scoop of mashed potatoes instead, giving Stede an exaggerated smile before he even started chewing.

Something crunched.

"Ed," Stede gasped, "Ed, spit it out -"

Ed started chewing faster.

"Ed, open your mouth!" Stede gently and lovingly attempted to pry Ed's mouth open. "Drop it!"

Finally, Ed admitted defeat and allowed himself to be divested of a shriveled chunk of potato that had gotten as hard in the microwave as a rock. Maybe Stede shouldn't have nuked the potatoes for so long…although that explained why he'd had so much trouble mashing them, and why they hadn't absorbed the milk very well.

"You know," Ed said quietly, "this is all really good."

Stede sighed.

"Maybe I like my mashed potatoes crunchy. You don't know."

"Ed. You could've broken a tooth."

"Babe, seriously." Ed took Stede's hand, raising it to his lips to kiss across his knuckles. "You tried. That's more than anyone's ever done for me before!"

"Hardly a high bar. You deserve the best!"

"I have the best," Ed said with an easy shrug. "I have you."

You know, it was maybe a testament to how far Stede had come. Yeah, he'd fucked up lunch. But he could try again (with Ed's help, this time), and the worst had already happened, and Ed hadn't left him over it. Ed still loved him. It was okay.

"Alright," Stede said, grabbing his phone off the side table. "I'm ordering us a pizza. Sound good?"

Ed groaned in relief. "Perfect."

Stede bent to give him a proper kiss, and -

Ed yelped. "Hey! Careful, you don't want to get whatever I have!"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Stede snorted. "I never get sick."

With all the reading Stede liked to do, he'd later think, he really should've had a better grasp of dramatic irony.

Chapter Text

You know, it was one thing that Ed maybe hadn't exactly been expecting.

Stede was, usually, a bit overly concerned about becoming a "burden." It had taken a lot of time to get to a place where he was generally comfortable with Ed doting on him, loving on him, and giving him the care and affection he deserved. He could be a bit fussy, sure, a bit overly-particular, but that just meant he knew what he liked, and Ed adored his bitchy streak. Stede was, by and large, a very kind, sweet man, who didn't want to feel like he was inconveniencing Ed to the point where Ed usually had to be vigilant to make sure he was picking up on what Stede needed from him.

But when Stede was sick? That, apparently, all went right out the window.

At first, Ed had been pretty sure that Stede was probably going to be exactly the kind of patient he'd expected he'd be. As he slowly got sicker and sicker, and started to slowly feel worse (and then got to feeling bad enough that he actually admitted he wasn't feeling well), and as he sheepishly told Ed, with the air of someone direly confessing horrible sins, that he got sick rarely, but when he did it was bad, he made himself pretty easy to take care of. For a few days, as Stede was feeling a little off, a little sore and shaky and tired, he was a good patient, meek and sleepy and easy to care for.

It turned out, in fact, that was how Stede acted when he still felt well enough that he was operating within typical perimeters. And when he actually felt truly bad…

Well, honestly, it kind of felt like a mixture of caring for a feverish toddler and a deeply fussy old man. Stede was both acting like he was incapable of doing things for himself and got righteously furious when he felt like Ed was fussing over him too much, at first getting pissed off that Ed wasn't hand-feeding him soup at dinner the night before and then getting even more pissed when Ed did hand-feed him.

Ed had known Stede was still sick that morning, when he woke up to Stede snatching all the blankets and wrapping them around himself.

"I'm cold," he announced. "And I have a stomachache!"

"Oh, no," Ed said, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Do you want a kiss? My little Stedey-pie wants a kiss?"

"No," Stede pouted, "I have a stomachache!"

Stede only pouted harder when Ed started to leave the bed without a kiss, so Ed gave him a quick one before running to the kitchen to grab his poor ailing boyfriend a glass of ginger ale and some crackers.

He kept Ed busy, that was for damned sure.

Being sick and feverish seemed to dial Stede's sensory issues up to eleven. That was something they were working on, anyway, helping Stede realize that he didn't have to make himself uncomfortable just because dicks like his dad had told him that he was just being a baby about clothes, and he was allowed to wear things that felt good and not wear clothes that triggered his sensory issues. He was very sensitive to noises and prone to getting overstimulated.

Today, the only thing that Stede could tolerate having on his body was the sweater Ed had made him, and he kept getting pissed off because it was making him too hot. He made Ed change the bedsheets, because he just couldn't stand to touch anything that had a thread count under six hundred, apparently. He had Ed ferrying a rotation of lemonade and hot chocolate and ginger ale and plain water and water with piña-colada flavor mixes and orange juice to his bed, only taking one sip of most drinks before he decided he needed something different. He pouted about taking the medicine Ed brought him until Ed bribed him with lots of kisses. He demanded cuddles and then made Ed leave because he was too hot.

About lunchtime, Stede started getting especially fussy, holding his hands over his ears for even noises he usually found unobtrusive (like the birds singing outside), and Ed realized that Stede really needed some rest. He was just getting himself worked up, and he needed to sleep so he could feel better!

"I'm not sleepy," Stede insisted.

Ed cuddled him in bed, stroking his fingers through Stede's hair in the way he liked best, and Stede was fast asleep in ten minutes.

Ed took advantage of Stede resting so he could make lunch, calling Fang up for a chat as he put together a nice big pot of boil-up, going heavy on the chicken and potatoes since that was Stede's favorite part of the soup. Fang was driving down to meet Lucius, Queen Anne's band manager, and his boyfriend Pete for the weekend, and Ed told him to give them his best. It felt weird, for members of the band to be off doing their own things without him. Still felt very strange, to know that he wouldn't be sitting in on the meetings as the band started to think about their next album and their next touring season, because those things were no longer his concern.

Yeah, he had different things to worry about now. Especially -

"Ed?"

Turning the soup down to a simmer on the stove, Ed rushed to the bedroom, reaching out to feel Stede's still-warm forehead. "Hey, love," he said gently. "Alright?"

Stede pouted. "You weren't here when I woke up."

"I know. Sorry, sweet, I was just getting food on for us." Ed climbed into bed with him, letting Stede flop his sweaty body on top of him. Poor guy looked absolutely miserable, his skin clammy, his eyes glazed and tired-looking, still shaking with light shivers. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad."

"Aww, I'm sorry." Ed pressed a kiss to his forehead, getting a hand up under Stede's sweater to rub his back.

Stede let his eyes start to slip closed again. "That feels nice."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Stede sighed, letting his arm flop lazily around Ed's middle. "I'm sorry for all this?"

Ed tilted his head, his hand pausing in the circles he was rubbing between Stede's shoulder blades. "Sorry? What for? You don't have anything to be sorry for, babe."

Stede raised his hand, his eyes blearily creaking open, face settling into a more low-key imitation of incredulity. "I know I'm miserable when I'm sick, Ed. It can't be fun."

Ed shook his head in disbelief. "Man. You don't even know, do you? You don't get it?"

"Get what?" Stede's frown deepened, and his unusually-untidy curls bounced as he moved his hand, and Ed loved him so fucking much.

"It's not hard," Ed promised him, pressing down firmly on Stede's back, raising a hand to gently cup his clammy cheeks. "I guess it's true it's not fun, because I don't like seeing you sick. But it's not hard to take care of you. It could never be."

"Mary said I'm a big baby when I'm sick."

"You are," Ed said, laughing softly, earning himself an impressive scowl. "But it's not hard, Stede, not for me. Because it's you. I love taking care of you."

"Mm," Stede hummed thoughtfully, letting his head fall back down to rest on Ed's chest. "In that case, could you get me some more crackers? Not the saltines, I need the oyster crackers."

Ed laughed, planting a kiss on Stede's cheek before he started to get up. "Your wish is my command."

Chapter Text

It was the worst miscommunication they'd ever had. By far. No contest.

The thing was, Ed's mama was coming down to visit them for the first time that weekend, for a nice long visit. Stede knew Ed was excited to get it right - for his entire adult life, he'd been essentially living on tour buses and in hotel rooms, and he was looking forward to the chance to actually be able to host his mama for the first time and prove to her that he was doing okay.

But it was also kind of a lot of fucking pressure, right?

Stede had never had a good relationship with his parents, and Kaia was the closest thing to a mother figure he'd ever truly known. He wanted to impress her, to be able to pay her back for when she'd hosted them, to make sure she felt happy and content in the knowledge that her baby boy was doing just fine.

And sure, they'd had the kids over. But kids don't know shit. The kids wouldn't have noticed or cared if their house was tacky or poorly decorated or, god forbid, if they'd chosen curtains that didn't at all go with the living room. Kaia - well, Stede didn't think she'd actually say anything mean to them, but she still had fully developed critical thinking skills with which to judge their home.

Admittedly, Stede had maybe been going a bit overboard with getting her room ready for her upcoming visit, but Ed had been right there along with him! He'd enthusiastically agreed with Stede's suggestion they stock her room with a closet full of extra blankets and a basket of her favorite self-care items like bath bombs and lotions in her bathroom, and he'd agreed with Stede's ideas like adding her own mini fridge to her room…

But now Kaia's visit was less a looming concern and more of an immediate thing, and they only had a few days now to make sure everything was perfect!

And all Ed had wanted to do all day was snuggle.

Ordinarily, of course, that would've been fine. Ideal, even!

But Stede wanted to change the sheets on her bed again, and debate the merits of stocking her mini fridge with mostly things they knew she liked or adding a variety, and he still wasn't convinced the decor in her room was up to par.

Usually, Stede was open to allowing Ed to talk him down when he got into a particularly fussy mood. But today, Ed's attempts to placate him by telling him everything was okay just came across as willfully obtuse, and Ed's cheerful humming came across as grating, and Ed was hanging onto Stede like an overgrown koala.

And when Ed, who had been playfully clinging onto Stede's arms, distracting him by telling him over and over and over again how horribly neglected and lonely he felt, it was the first time Stede could ever remember being actually annoyed with Ed for being clingy. He should've told him he needed some space, sure, because Ed knew that sometimes Stede needed a bit of space, but Ed was so sensitive about being seen as too clingy, and Stede didn't want to freak him out…

It was pretty obvious now that he should've taken that risk then, though, because when Ed accidentally bumped into him a bit too hard as he was trying to adjust the cute macrame wall hanging in Kaia's room, shifting the nail holding it up a few inches left, it made Stede bang his thumb with the hammer.

He'd yelped, clutching at his thumb, and Ed had jumped over himself to apologize, grabbing Stede's hand to kiss his thumb.

"I'm so sorry, baby, I didn't mean to," Ed had started to apologize.

But the lid on Stede's annoyance had fully popped off, and he hadn't been able to keep the anger out of his voice.

"Ed," he'd snapped, "can't you go do something else? I could've been done in here already if you'd just left me alone!"

And Ed's face had gone very still, his hands dropping down to his side, his face suddenly looking far too similar to all the dead-eyed, blank smiles Stede saw on tabloid magazine covers.

"Alright," Ed said, his voice very carefully quiet and calm. "Alright, man, I'll leave you alone."

There Stede was, then, listening to their back door slam shut as he stood there holding his sore thumb and feeling that all of his little adjustments to the guest room suddenly felt very superficial.

All the frustration of the day melted away, leaving him with the sudden, horrible clarity that he'd just fucked up, and now he had to make it right.

Stede darted out of the guest room, giving it one last glare over his shoulder. Kraken was standing at the back door, his head tilted in confusion with how Ed had stormed off without giving him any attention, and Stede gave him a pat on the head as he crossed into the kitchen.

His heart broke to know that Ed was definitely crying right now, but he also knew Ed would appreciate something to help him get rehydrated. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, popped into the laundry room for a folded pair of knitted socks, snatched the Ed's favorite tacky neon zebra-print blanket off the back off the couch, and headed out the back door after him.

As he'd anticipated, Ed had gone straight through their backyard and down to the stretch of beach a little walk away. Stede followed his footsteps in the sand, finding him plopped down about as close to the shoreline as he could get without his feet getting wet.

Ed was curled up into a little ball, his chin resting on his knees, staring out over the waves. He didn't look up as Stede joined him, and as Stede sat down next to him, he hid his face in his knees, obviously trying to stop Stede from seeing how his eyeliner was smeared.

"Hey," Stede said carefully.

"Hey," Ed mumbled. "I'm sorry."

That hadn't been what Stede had expected him to say. He shifted, wincing at the feeling of sand rubbing against his jeans. "What are you sorry for? I'm the one who needs to apologize."

"For being too clingy."

"Oh, sweet pea, no. No, no, no," Stede assured him. "Ed, can you lift your head, please?"

Ed shook his head, pressing his face down into his knees a bit more firmly.

"Alright," Stede said softly. "Ed, I'm sorry, I was - everything just felt like so much, all of a sudden. I didn't mean it. I didn't want you to leave at all."

Finally, Ed lifted his face, his cheeks streaked with runny eyeliner and his eyes red-rimmed and sore-looking. Stede ached to kiss his poor eyes, and he was relieved when Ed automatically leaned forward so he could.

Stede rolled out the blanket, wrapping it around Ed's shoulders, and handed him the bottle of water. Ed took a sip, whispering a little thank you.

"I hate that you have to put up with me, sometimes," Stede admitted.

"I want to," Ed said after a moment, shrugging one shoulder. "Sometimes I hate that you have to put up with me."

"I want to." Stede gave him a careful smile, a bit more optimistic when Ed smiled weakly back. "There's nothing I love more than putting up with you."

"Yeah. Same." Ed shifted over to rest his head against Stede's shoulders. "I, uh…I wish you hadn't yelled at me."

As much as it hurt his heart to know that he'd hurt Ed, Stede was still proud of him for being able to say it. Ed was far too prone to just rolling over and accepting it when people hurt him.

"And I'm so, so sorry," he promised. "I didn't mean to."

"We need, like, a codeword, or something," Ed said, his voice a bit perkier. "For when you're getting overstimulated and upset and you need me to leave you alone for a bit. That way, you can say it without worrying about hurting my feelings, and I'll give you your space."

"You shouldn't have to do that, though," Stede huffed. "This was all my fault, I was getting so worked up -"

"Nah, I get it," Ed said, taking one of Stede's hands, squeezing it between both of his. "I'm nervous for my mama's visit, too."

"Maybe, but you're not taking it out on me."

"Babe," Ed said, rubbing his eyeliner-smudged cheeks on Stede's nice white shirt, "honestly? I used to have boyfriends who screamed at me for anything. I only got so freaked out this time because you never yell at me."

"That's not a high bar."

"Maybe not," Ed said, "but I also knew you'd come apologize. And I knew you'd bring me water. And…"

"Oh, Ed, your poor feet," Stede sighed, grabbing the socks he'd grabbed. Ed had run out without putting shoes on, and his poor feet looked sore after walking through all the nature shit in their yard. He gently pulled Ed's legs into his lap, brushing the sand off his feet before pulling the socks on. They'd have to be washed after this anyway - sand got everywhere - but it would at least help Ed feel a bit more comfortable.

Maybe Ed was onto something. They were human. They'd fuck up. Some days Stede's high-strung temper wouldn't mesh with Ed's clinginess, and one of them would snap, and they'd cry and hug and make up. And they'd talk, figure out what happened, how to stop it from happening again.

"I'm officially declaring your mama's room finished," Stede decided. "You have full permission to tackle me to the ground if I try to open the door again."

Ed laughed, leaning forward for a kiss, nipping softly, teasingly, at Stede's bottom lip. "Might do that anyway. Just for fun."

"We still friends?" Stede checked, having a bit of trouble believing this wasn't too good to be true.

But Ed smiled, easy, and he squeezed Stede's hand. "Still best friends."

Chapter Text

Ed had discovered a terrible flaw, something they'd woefully overlooked when furnishing their new home.

With the life he'd had, living out of a backpack for most of it, spending long months on tour buses, he didn't have a lot of comfort items. He always kept a flash drive with the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings movies on him, and occasionally he'd keep little scraps of soft fabric or ribbons in his pockets so he could press them to his cheek and twist them around his fingers, but that was it.

And one night, happy and safe in their new home, cuddled up with his boyfriend, Ed had confessed to something. He had a private shopping cart he always kept open in an incognito tab on his phone, where he liked to look for stuffed animals. He just liked the idea of having something soft to hold, something whose whole purpose was letting Ed hug it, that would never get angry with him for loving it. He'd like to have a stuffed animal for real.

He was worried that might sound selfish. After all, he had an amazing boyfriend who loved indulging Ed's need to snuggle, and they even had a very cuddly dog to boot! But, sometimes, Ed just wanted something he could hold as tight as he needed that didn't expect or need anything from him in return.

The amazing thing was that Stede didn't even bat a fucking eye. His face had just lit up, just as it always did at the prospect of finding a new way to make Ed happy. Because Stede was the most amazing man in the world, and that…

Well, that was where Ed's oversight had come in.

Stede had taken him shopping, and they'd come home with bags full of stuffed animals, ones that Ed really, really loved. He had a big gray-and-white shark, and a super-soft, fluffy calico cat, and a floppy salmon that he just hadn't been able to leave, and a little overstuffed octopus with big, shiny eyes. And Stede didn't even mind that Ed wanted to keep his new plushies on the bed! He didn't tell Ed they were stupid, or he had to move them, or anything!

It was just as great as Ed had hoped. Whenever he was feeling overwhelmed or upset, he could grab one of his plushies, and it helped. They were soft, and he didn't have to worry about hugging them as tight as he wanted. If Ed just needed a super tight hug before he went to talk to Stede, he could do that. If he wanted something soft to hold while he crocheted or read in the living room, he could do that. And he knew Stede would never dream of making fun of him for it, either.

They'd even gotten some soft toys for Kraken, too! He wasn't a destructive dog, and he liked just holding his stuffed lamb toy in his mouth. He had a little fabric snake that he liked to bring to Stede to hold.

And there was the problem, right there -

Everyone had plushies they could love on, except for Stede.

Ed could almost forgive himself for missing the obvious there, because it wasn't like Stede had ever said he wanted one. But that was Stede, though, wasn't it? Ed was still learning how to see past all of his habitual repression of his desires to get a peek at what Stede actually wanted. He was still learning that, more often than not, "I don't think that's my color" actually meant "please, Ed, tell me that would actually look good on me so I can try it on" and "I don't need that" meant "I feel like I need permission to get this."

They'd been cuddling in bed when Ed realized, watching Stede hold his plush cat up, playing with its little paws.

"I wish I'd been able to keep stuffed animals before," Ed had been saying. "I used to have a little stuffed bunny, my mama got it for me years ago. But, uh, I guess - can't really hide things when you're on tour, right? One of my old boyfriends found it and thought it was stupid, like I was acting like a girly little kid."

"Oh, Ed," Stede had sighed, picking up Ed's shark (his favorite, of course) and passing it to him.

Ed gratefully hugged it to his chest. "Yeah. Ripped it up with his pocketknife. I tried to stitch it up the best I could, but…donated it to Goodwill anyway. I didn't like feeling that it was only getting hurt because of me."

He was trying to convince himself that it didn't say a lot about him that one of the things that had stopped him from ever getting another stuffed animal had been how sure he was that, if a stuffed animal who he loved on all the time could actually talk, he'd been sure it would probably say that it hated him.

"I'm so sorry, sweet pea," Stede said, kissing Ed's cheek, giving him a gentle, cautious smile. "You know, my father - I used to have soft toys, as a boy, but he'd decided that ten years old was too old for that. Made me watch him throw them all out on my birthday."

Horrified, Ed felt his eyes widen. Stede's voice had sounded far too casual for something like that, and he was playing with the toy in his arms with a sort of wistful resignation, almost.

"You can borrow mine, for tonight," Ed said, nodding in encouragement when Stede tentatively held the toy cat to his chest.

Yeah. Ed had to fix this. And he had a plan.

The next day, he informed Stede that they absolutely must go on an impromptu roadtrip to the nearest Build-A-Bear Workshop.

And that was where the really genius part of his plan came in. Because when they were actually there, standing in front of the store in the middle of a crowded mall, excitedly chattering about plans to get churros after this and spend what would surely be hours trying on outfits in all the clothing stores (and probably making a bit of a scene by trying on outfits in the lingerie store), the longing in Stede's face was very, very obvious, his eyes shining as they stood outside and looked at the rows and rows of plush animals waiting for a home.

Ed didn't just want to buy Stede a stuffed animal. He'd wanted Stede to feel like he had ownership in it, like it was intentional. What better for that than a store where you can stuff the toy yourself?

"Hey," Ed asked gently, taking Stede's hand. "Will you make one with me?"

Stede worried at his bottom lip. "I mean…aren't I…"

Ed fought off a grin. He knew all of Stede's arguments for why he shouldn't were melting away, because it was hard to find any that couldn't apply to Ed, too. If Ed wasn't too old, if Ed proved that a man could want this, then what reasons did Stede have to deny himself?

"Is it…" Stede lowered his voice, his eyebrows furrowed. "Is that allowed?"

"Of course," Ed promised him. "Of course, babe, yes."

The store was thankfully not very crowded (Ed didn't think Stede's nerves could take it if it had been), and they helped each other pick out a toy. Ed was fucking stoked to find a cute pink axolotl, and though Stede initially tried to just pick the cheapest one without looking at them, Ed encouraged him to look around, and he was drawn to a blue teddy bear with a pattern of cute, sparkly stars.

Stede was obviously nervous, but the staff were nothing but nice to them. They were able to choose hearts to put inside their toys, and they kissed the hearts before swapping, so the hearts they chose went into each other's toy. Stede wanted his toy to be stuffed very firm, and Ed wanted his nice and soft and floppy. Ed was even able to get the staff to help him distract Stede so he had time to grab a little soundbox, record a message ("I love you so much, babe!"), and get the little soundbox tucked away in the paw of Stede's bear so he could listen to the message whenever he wanted.

"You can name it whatever you want," Ed encouraged Stede as they sat at the little adoption certificate printers after picking out clothes for their toys (Ed was happy with just a pirate hat for Jeff the axolotl, but Stede had insisted that his needed a three-piece suit and glasses and a cool hat and shoes). "Pick a good name. A cool one."

When they picked up the certificates, Stede's bear was named Wolfgang Montague Zephyr III.

Stede hadn't stopped smiling, the whole time. By the time they left the store, clunky boxes in hand, he was beaming, properly showing off those dimples, holding Ed's hand tight.

"Ed," Stede said, and his mouth worked for a moment before he just squeezed Ed's fingers. "Thank you."

"Of course, babe," Ed said, leaning in for a kiss. "Of course. You deserve this, y'know?"

"Yeah," Stede nodded, his voice cracking. "Yeah, I think maybe I do."

Chapter Text

"Stede? Stede, please, can you wake up?"

"Nng," Stede managed, opening and closing his mouth a few times as he tried to drag himself back towards wakefulness. "What time izzit?"

"Uh," Ed said, his voice very quiet and sheepish. "Let me - about two in the morning?"

"Hnng." Stede forced himself up into a sitting position, wrenching his eyes open. He'd never been a graceful waker, especially not when he was pulled from sleep like this. "Are you okay?"

Ed was quiet, and Stede rubbed at his eyes, trying to get them into a state where he could see and process his surroundings. Their bedroom was dark and quiet (suitable, for being two in the morning and all), and he could hear Kraken snoring from his crate in the living room. Ed's breaths sounded shaky, and he was kneading his fingers nervously through the blankets. Stede didn't need to be able to see his hands to recognize the small, rhythmic motions.

"I'm sorry," Ed whispered, his voice cracking. "I couldn't sleep."

"Oh, love, c'mere." Stede held his arm open, and Ed gratefully tucked himself up into Stede's side, wrapping his arms around Stede's middle and resting his head on his shoulder. "What's the matter - Ed!"

Ed jumped, hiding his face in Stede's shoulder.

"Sorry, sorry," Stede winced, lowering his voice to a near-whisper to make up for it. "It's just - we need to be up to leave for the airport in four hours! We're supposed to meet your mama at eleven! You need your rest, sweet pea!"

"I'm sorry," Ed repeated. "I couldn't sleep. I thought…I'm sorry I woke you up."

Cursing at his own sleepy lack of tact, Stede tried his best to kiss his poor, wonderful boyfriend, missing his lips a few times. That was alright, because Ed giggled softly at all the sloppy kisses on his cheeks and forehead and eyelids, and by the time Stede got the angle right, he was smiling.

"I'm glad you woke me up," Stede said, truthfully. He never wanted Ed to feel alone. He never wanted Ed to have to lay awake in bed, scared or upset, not ever again. He knew Ed felt the same way about him. "D'you wanna talk about it?"

"It's stupid," Ed said, in that overly-dismissive tone that let Stede know for sure that he absolutely wanted to talk about it.

"We can still talk about it. If it's bothering you, I wanna hear about it." Stede puffed up his chest. "So I can toss it into the sun."

Ed laughed. "You're gonna toss my bad thoughts into the sun?"

"Yup," Stede nodded. "And if the sun's bothering you, too? I'll take care of it. I'll beat up the sun."

"I love you, you lunatic," Ed snorted, pressing a kiss to Stede's neck. "I guess I just…got all in my head. About what I've been talking with my therapist about lately."

Stede clicked his tongue sympathetically.

Truthfully, he hadn't known that Ed's doctors had been recommending a knee surgery for years until Ed mentioned it off-hand a few weeks ago as something he'd never do, and since then they'd been deconstructing that. The fact of the matter was that Ed really should've had a whole score of surgeries on his injured knee after the initial injury when he was a teenager, but they hadn't been able to afford it and insurance hadn't covered any more than the bare minimum, so he'd gotten the bare minimum.

And now, at forty-eight, Ed was staring down the barrel of a total knee replacement if he didn't want to live the rest of his life with increasingly worse pain and mobility issues. It terrified him, Stede knew. He didn't know what aspects of it Ed and his therapist had been talking about, but he knew that it was a surgery where recovery times were measured in years, and that would involve intensive physical therapy. There was a lot to be scared of, not least of all the fact that Ed's independence would be severely affected for a long time. They were the kind of couple their friend Lucius described as "disgustingly intimate," and even still, there was a difference between intimacy for the sake of it and intimacy because Ed literally wouldn't be able to do things as basic as getting out of bed on his own.

"You know I want to help you," Stede said gently. "You know I'd do anything for you, Ed, anything."

"I know." Ed's fingers clenched lightly in the fabric of Stede's shirt. "I just. Uh."

Patiently, Stede stroked his fingers through Ed's hair, adjusting the braid he'd put it up in before bed, giving him time to find the words.

"I'm scared," Ed said softly, "that you won't want me as much anymore when you realize how broken I am."

Stede's heart broke.

"Oh, Ed, darling," he started.

"And," Ed interrupted softly, his breath hitching, "you're going to have to do so much for me, and you'll be just stuck with me. You'll have to - help me learn to walk again, and feed me, and help me do exercises every single day, and wipe my ass, probably -"

"Ed, darling," Stede said firmly, taking Ed's face in his hand, gently turning his chin up to meet his eyes, "there is nothing I want more to be stuck with you. Getting to wipe your ass will be my pleasure."

Ed quirked an eyebrow disbelievingly. "You say that now."

"And I'll say it then, too," Stede vowed, "and every day in between, and every day after."

To his relief, Ed's smile was small and tentative, but it was there. "You're a sap, man."

"Mhm. And you love it."

"I do. I really, really do." Ed swallowed, worrying lightly at his bottom lip, and Stede traced his lips with his thumb, not wanting him to hurt himself. Ed playfully licked at the tip of Stede's thumb, and that sent Stede's mind to some delightful places -

"Ed," he remembered, squeezing his shoulder softly, "you don't think I'm angry with you for being in pain, do you?"

Ed shrugged one shoulder guiltily.

"I'm not," Stede promised him. "In sickness and in health, love, remember?"

"Babe," Ed said, lightly nudging into Stede's side, "we're not even married yet. Haven't made that vow just yet."

"But we will," Stede said simply. "And besides, Ed, as far as I'm concerned? That's always been the deal. You've always been mine. I've loved you since you were born, Ed, and I'm just sorry it took me so long to find you."

To his horror, Ed's lip wobbled.

Stede was barely able to open his arms in time for Ed to squirm right into his lap, tucking himself in as close and tight as he could, burying his face in Stede's chest and hugging him for all he was worth.

"I love you so much, Stede," Ed cried, pressing his nose into the center of Stede's chest. "I love you."

Worries melting away - not a bad cry, not at all, this was a happy one - Stede rubbed Ed's back, wrapping himself around his precious boyfriend, resting his head on Ed's shoulder. "I love you."

"Forever and ever."

"And then a bit longer, for good measure."

Ed sniffled, raising his head, wiping at his eyes with the palm of his hand. "We probably do need to sleep. Or we'll both be pissed as fuck at ourselves in the morning."

"I could never regret time I've spent with you."

Ed laughed, bright and happy, and Stede matched his smile. "Tell me a story?"

"Sure." Stede laid them back down, Ed still mostly on top of him, pulling the covers up to their chins. "So, once upon a time, there was…let's see…once upon a time, there was a very cute, very brave little bunny."

"Wow," Ed whispered. "Did the bunny have a friend?"

"Of course. This is a story about two very brave little bunnies."

"Yay," Ed mumbled, letting his eyes start to close, his head leaning so trustingly on Stede's shoulder. "I mean, the world's really scary, if you're just a little bunny."

"Sure." Stede smiled up at the ceiling. "But they have each other. So that's easier."

"Mm." Stede felt a little movement, Ed tilting his head to kiss his shoulder. "That does make it easier."

Chapter Text

As it turned out, of course, they'd had absolutely nothing to worry about.

By the time they picked her up from the airport, any nerves they'd had about Ed's mama coming to visit for a few days had almost entirely melted away. Ed was so excited to see her, he felt like he'd spent the last hour of the drive bouncing up and down in his seat, and he knew Stede's fidgeting and the unusually high-pitched tone to his chatter meant he could hardly wait, too.

With the tour and then moving into their new home, the last time they'd properly spent time with her had been a visit right when they'd started dating. They'd even had to break the news of their engagement over a video call!

They waited in the pickup lane outside the airport, Stede excitedly grabbing at Ed's arm every time he saw anyone even vaguely resembling his mama, and when they finally saw her, Ed scrabbled at his seatbelt so he could rush out of the car.

"Eddie!" she called, letting her suicase drop right down to the ground as she opened her arms for a hug.

Ed launched himself into her arms, wrapping his hands tight around her back as he hugged her. As she'd gotten older, it felt like she'd gotten littler, and it still felt a bit strange to have the thought that she felt fragile in his arms.

He'd given his poor mama a hell of a lot of worry over the years. No wonder she felt a little fragile.

She pulled back, examining Ed's face, her eyes crinkling with her smile as she patted his cheek. "You look good," she decided. "You look real good, Ed. Have you decided to keep shaving, then?"

Ed laughed, running a hand along his clean-shaven jaw. "Uh, yeah. Figure the beard's not really me anymore."

He'd spent enough time looking at his own miserable face reflected back at him from tabloid magazine covers, his big beard and the Blackbeard image used to make him feel less than human. He didn't want to have to see that when he looked in the mirror, too.

"I'll get your bags!" That was Stede, cheerfully fumbling, as usual, nearly tripping over the curb in his haste to grab his mama's suitcase and backpack.

"Oh, hush, Stede," she laughed, and Stede still looked surprised when she pulled him in for a tight hug just like she had for Ed. He grinned at Ed over her shoulder, like he could hardly believe she loved him, too.

It was shaping up to be a perfect day.

Ed preened to himself as they got loaded into the car, graciously offering to give his mama the front seat for comfort, and then admitting that probably wasn't the best idea because it was harder to get in and out of the back seat with his bad knee, and then feeling a bit guilty about it, and then allowing the combined force of Stede and his mama to bully him into the front seat anyway.

They had the house perfectly prepared. His mama's room was ready, complete with a stocked mini fridge and soft blankets and a new TV with DVDs of her favorite old soap operas. They'd grabbed a copy of Mario Kart so she could kick their asses at it. Stede had agonized for hours over the perfect fancy bottle of wine to buy for dinner, and then caved to Ed's promises that his mama, just like her son, preferred the very sugary, fruity, cheap screw-top stuff. She'd gotten off the plane dressed in a colorful Hawaiian shirt, telling them assurances she'd packed her bathing suit, so the more time they spent at the beach, the happier she'd be - and that was no hardship at all.

They were set up to give Ed's mama the perfect vacation!

And then the unthinkable happened.

Stede was very close to being a perfect boyfriend, but he had one major flaw: he liked bugs. And Ed's mama was very close to being a perfect mother, but she also had a flaw: she also liked bugs.

And when they passed a huge touristy billboard advertising a butterfly house at a small museum on the drive down the interstate back home, the two of them were on that shit like white on rice.

"Oh, I don't know, though," his mama said, giving Ed a regretful look in the rear-view mirror. "Ed hates bugs."

Stede frowned, unable to hide his disappointment. He knew Ed was scared of spiders and centipedes and the more obvious creepy-crawly stuff, but Ed had never spelled out that it was everything. "Even butterflies?"

Ed looked at Stede's hopeful face, at his mama's obvious longing.

"Nah," he said. "I'm fine with butterflies."

Famous last words, Ed.

He was able to feel pretty damn good about how happy he'd just made his mama and his amazing boyfriend until they actually got there. The small natural history museum looked harmless enough, but he knew the horrors that lay within.

Ed felt every step across the polished marble floors reverberating in his increasingly fast heartbeat. He could feel his palms starting to dampen with sweat. He couldn't even do much more than smile and nod when Stede tried to point out the cool dinosaur posters on their way to the butterfly house.

They had to stand in a little airlock before the butterfly house, to make sure the butterflies didn't escape out into the museum proper, and Ed was a bit too nauseous to feel happy about how excited the two people he loved the most in the world looked.

If Ed squinted his eyes almost completely closed, the butterfly house wasn't that bad. It was very humid and warm, full of colorful flowers and plants, and it really was nice to hear his mama and Stede exclaim things he didn't fully understand, such as "wow! Look at the colors on that swallowtail!" and "Kaia, did you see the iridescence on this blue morpho?"

Ed discovered that if he kind of turned continuously in a circle, the butterflies wouldn't come near him. And he could try to ignore them flapping around. And he could do his best not to think about -

"Ed, darling, look at this!"

When Ed squinted his eyes open, he saw Stede holding a fuck-off giant butterfly towards Ed, supported on his index finger, and Ed got a real fucking eyeful of the thing. The butterfly was so big that it put all of the things he could kinda ignore about them in favor of their pretty wings into sharp focus. He saw its long creepy legs. And its terrifying, bulging eyes. And its twitching antennae. And he remembered what Stede had told him about their long tongues.

"Nope," Ed declared, and he turned on his heel and darted the fuck out.

Ed slid right down to his butt in the airlock, putting his head between his knees. He kept feeling like he could feel those long creepy legs on him -

"Ed, sweet pea?"

That was Stede's voice, and Ed hid his face between his knees. He felt Stede slide down next to him, his hand warm and grounding on Ed's back.

"Sorry," Ed squeaked. "I don't really like butterflies."

"Yes, Ed," Stede said gently. "We guessed."

Ed raised his head, miserably wiping at his eyes. "Is my mama mad?"

"Of course not, Ed," Stede promised, rubbing Ed's back. "We're just wondering why you didn't tell us you're scared of butterflies."

Ed shrugged one shoulder. "You wanted to come see them."

"Sure," Stede said carefully, "but…Ed, why didn't you just say here and wonder around the museum proper while we looked at the butterflies?"

Ed blinked. It had never occurred to him that this experience wouldn't involve making himself uncomfortable.

"I can…do that?"

"Of course," Stede said, smiling big enough to really bring out his dimple. "Do you want to give that a try, darling? Or are you ready to leave?"

It was the gentle, non-judgmental way that Stede asked that made Ed feel safe to stay. He couldn't imagine Stede and his mama making him stay if he really didn't want to.

"Okay," he said. "I'm gonna check out the dinosaurs."

Stede held out his pinky for a promise. "We'll meet you there when we're done here, alright?"

Ed wrapped his finger around Stede's. "Deal."

Stede stayed with him until he'd stopped feeling so shaky, and when Ed walked back down towards the dinosaur exhibits, there was a bounce in his step.

His therapist was working with him on re-framing some of the things he'd thought he'd known about the world. Ed wasn't a bad person. Ed deserved to feel respected. Things like that.

Today, he added a new one to the list. I'm allowed to feel safe.

Pretty cool.

Chapter Text

Stede thought Ed had guessed that he and Kaia had a surprise in the works.

It wasn't like they'd be able to keep it a secret, really -both he and Kaia were a bit too excited for the chance to spoil Ed as much as he deserved, and neither of them were exactly subtle about it. Besides, Ed was perceptive enough that he probably would've picked up on something even if he wasn't finding them hastily hiding things away form his view or whispering to each other in the kitchen only to quickly break apart and act casual whenever he entered the room.

If anything, though, the fact that they were planning something so obviously was only improving Ed's mood. He'd had precious little chance to be doted on and spoiled, and Stede figured it was well past time he indulged in the chance when it came around.

The first few days of Kaia's visit was pretty quiet. They took her to the beach, had her join their regular video chat with Mary and the kids (where she did intensive reconnaissance for future gifts, of course), and Ed got just a bit pouty when they both laughed about how she liked Kraken more than either of them. Just as Ed had predicted, she loved the way they'd decorated her guest room, and she'd hugged Stede for a long time when she assured him he hadn't needed to go to all the trouble.

"I could've just slept on the couch," she'd laughed.

"I'd never," Stede said, genuinely affronted by the thought. "I'd want - y'know, I'd want you to feel welcomed. You're…"

He'd trailed off, and she'd smiled and patted his cheek. He thought she'd understood what he meant. Stede had never had someone like her in his life before, and she was special. He thought he'd do anything for her.

"I'm so proud of you, bubbale," she told him, pinching his cheek just a bit, just like she did to Ed. "You've earned this."

Imagine that. Stede was sure his father would've sooner died than tell him he was proud of him. He'd never had this kind of relationship with a parental figure before.

"Thank you," he'd whispered, his voice cracking, hugging her tighter. "Thank you."

Tonight, they were having an impromptu family dinner party. Just for fun.

Kaia promised she'd teach Stede how to make a simple meal, something he could "impress all your friends with," and Ed had been so excited to suggest they could dress up nice for it, too. Just for fun, just because they could.

Stede was beginning to approach a point where he could admit to himself he'd never be a chef. He was a big enough man to own up to that. It was like how Ed had struggled so much with following the fiddly instructions for putting together furniture soon after they'd moved in, he thought, with his own hellish spin on it where it felt impossible to keep everything straight and he got so caught up in the little details that he fucked up the whole thing. He'd never have the knack for improvisation in the kitchen that Ed and Kaia did.

But Kaia was a good, patient teacher, and he could at least memorize what she showed him, even if she sometimes did laugh at him for needing to note to himself things like "so we need to stir this precisely fifteen times?"

They put together a meal of lemon-pepper roasted chicken and mashed potatoes, and she didn't make Stede feel judged or like he'd fucked up even once, even when he made mistakes.

Like it was just easy to be nice to him. Stede was beginning to suspect that either that was a family trait, or maybe it just wasn't as hard not to be an asshole to him as he'd always assumed.

They'd been chatting about Ed's surprise in low voices, again, when Ed wandered into the kitchen, following his nose.

"That smells so good," he said brightly, wrapping his arms around Stede's middle as he sidled up behind him to get a look at the food. "Looks good, too!"

"Not as good as you!" Stede looked over his shoulder, then had to turn around fully to really appreciate the outfit Ed had put on for dinner. He'd borrowed one of Stede's suits with lots of ruffles and lace, paired with dangly earrings and sparkly eyeliner. "And you look like you'll taste even better."

Ed giggled, laughing into Stede's mouth as he pulled him in for a kiss, nipping cheekily at his bottom lip -

Kaia loudly cleared her throat, and Stede leapt back, his face burning.

Ed helped them get the food plated and arranged on the table, fancy and pretty as anything, and he only stuck his finger in the frosting of the box-mix cake Stede had made a couple times. Stede's heart swelled - he and Kaia were planning to tell him about their surprise over dinner, and he could hardly wait.

It was perfect. It was the sort of family time Stede had never known he was even allowed to want.

But then, before they had a chance to get sat down, Ed spotted the piece of paper sticking out from where they'd hidden it under the corner of Kaia's plate, and, probably thinking it was a misplaced napkin or trash, pulled it out.

And Ed just froze.

"Ah, you weren't supposed to see that yet," Stede said nervously, something about Ed's very still expression giving him pause. He'd been so sure Ed would be overjoyed.

"Guess the secret's out, then," Kaia sighed, joining Stede at the side of the table, her hand on his elbow. "What do you think? We have an appointment made for tomorrow, and -"

Ed raised his face. His eyes were wide, his mouth tightly pursed, and Stede felt Kaia freeze, too. "What's this supposed to mean?"

They'd miscalculated somewhere. Obviously.

"We just…" Kaia tilted her head, very reminiscent of Ed, her eyebrows drawing together. "You don't have your dress for the wedding yet."

Ed's voice came out strangely cold. "Why did you assume I'd want a dress?"

Stede's heart fell.

"Eddie, baby, why wouldn't we?" Kaia threw up a hand. "You've been cutting pictures of wedding dresses out of magazines since you were little!"

Both Stede and Kaia gasped in horror when Ed's lower lip started to tremble.

"What, is that it?" He managed, his jaw jutting out as he obviously tried to keep himself from crying. "I never thought - I know lots of people will never see me as enough of a man, but I never thought you two would -"

Ed's voice broke off, and he buried his face in one trembling hand, the other one still holding the piece of paper with the dress shopping appointment they'd gotten to surprise him.

They'd fucked up. They'd been so excited to surprise Ed that they hadn't considered how this might come across if they hadn't involved him in the decision-making process.

"Oh, no, baby," Kaia started, her hand covering her mouth, her voice shaky. "We didn't mean it like that, Ed, we didn't even think of that."

The very simple truth, Stede could see, now, was that he and Kaia just…saw Ed as a man, no qualifiers or conditions. But Ed still had a lifetime of dealing with transphobia behind him, and he was primed to see something like this as an insult they'd never meant it to be.

"Ed, sweetheart," Stede said, crossing around the table, holding out his hands. Ed was still hiding his face, and he didn't lean into Stede's touch, but he didn't lean away, either. "We weren't trying to say that you're not a man. We just thought you'd like it. If you're not comfortable with that, it's fine, we'll tear up the appointment booking. We just wanted to make you happy."

Ed raised his face, the skepticism in his narrowed eyes breaking Stede's heart. "You're seriously saying you would've suggested this even if I was cis?"

"Yes," Stede promised earnestly.

"I forget you're not, sometimes," Kaia said, wringing her hands together. "It's just something you've wanted for so long, Ed."

Slowly, Ed looked down at the now-crumpled paper in his hand, gingerly unfolding it, as if it might bite him. He bit his lip as he read it.

Ed raised his face, swallowing visibly. "What if I don't like it?"

"Then you don't like it," Stede shrugged. "And we'll get you a suit."

At that, Ed's shoulders visibly relaxed. "And what if anyone there is…y'know, what if someone's a dick to me about it?"

"Then we'll set the whole shop on fire," Kaia said immediately.

That shocked a laugh out of Ed, and he lurched to the side to rest his head against Stede's shoulder, finally smiling as he re-read the booking details on the paper.

"I have always wanted to wear a wedding dress," he admitted quietly. "I'm sorry I - I should've known you'd never mean it like that."

After everything he'd had written about him in tabloids, Stede thought, it was a wonder that Ed still had the good faith not to assume the worst of everyone all the time.

"And I'm sorry we didn't check to make sure you wanted this and make sure we're all on the same page," Stede said, kissing Ed's forehead.

"C'mon." Kaia lightly tapped Stede's arm, guiding them to sit down. "The food's getting cold - and Ed, ketzele, we need to talk about what kind of styles and colors you like. We don't want to use up the entire appointment time on dresses you hate."

"Oh, yeah." Ed was smiling, cautiously, as they eased into the topic, and he grinned as Stede helped him load his plate with the extra-buttery bits of mashed potatoes. "I'm thinking…I don't really want a white dress?"

He'd phrased it like the most hesitant of questions, and Stede smiled to encourage him. "That's great," he said. "We need something I can match my suit with!"

It really hit Stede, sometimes, especially at times like this. Ed was going to marry him. Ed was going to marry him. They were going to be married. Very soon, they'd be husbands.

Stede thought he was the luckiest man alive.

Chapter Text

Ed felt so bad for assuming the worst of Stede and his mama, he was determined to go to his wedding dress shopping appointment and make it the best day any of them had ever had in their entire lives.

He got up early, he ate a filling and delightful fucking breakfast, he joked around with his family, he looked at an endless lineup of pictures of beautiful dresses that Stede and his mama showed him on their phones. He was determined to make this a perfect day. They were both trying so hard to make him happy with this, and he'd already very nearly fucked it up.

And then he went to get dressed for the day, he opened the closet, and he froze.

Stede and his mama would not take him into a situation that was designed to make him feel scared and uncomfortable. He was alright. He just needed to pull himself together. This wasn't like anything he'd been talking through, slowly but surely, in therapy. It wasn't like the fucking butterfly house, where his fear of being touched by all those creepy little butterfly legs was rational. This wasn't a case where he just needed to set a boundary.

It was a fucking dress. What was the worst that could happen?

Ed was lucky. He'd always passed well, and he'd been on testosterone since his early twenties. Most people would never guess that he wasn't cis. He didn't mind being trans, but he also liked just being seen as a plain ol' garden-variety man, y'know? The odds of his worst fears coming true and someone telling him that he was just pretending to be a man, all for the crime of wanting to wear a wedding dress, were realistically very slim. It was gonna be fine.

But there were…other fears.

Ed was terrified that he'd hate it, that Stede and his mama would've gone to all this trouble and gone out of their way for something he'd hate. His dysphoria, too, had been extremely manageable since he'd gotten his top surgery, and he was scared that just the experience of wearing a dress was going to make it come back. Would he hate the way the dress clung to his hips and his chest? Would the feeling of wearing it become painful for him?

He was kind of scared that, if it did suck, he'd so badly want Stede and his mama to be happy that he'd just go along with it anyway. He didn't want to get married in something that made him feel scared and upset.

Ed went through the motions of getting dressed, choosing an old Queen Anne's t-shirt and a baggier pair of jeans that accentuated his masculine silhouette. If he did turn out to hate the experience of wearing a dress, he hoped that getting changed back into a safely masculine outfit would make him feel better and alleviate any dysphoria.

What if Stede and his mama were upset if he hated it? What if they felt inconvenienced by him? What if they got angry with him for wasting their day?

Stede knocked lightly on the bedroom door, and Ed hastily swiped at his eyes before shouting for him to come in.

"Hey, love!" Stede beamed at him. "Are you almost ready? Kaia's so excited!"

Some of Ed's hesitation must have shown on his face, because Stede frowned, quickly pulling the door closed behind him.

"Oh, sweet pea," he sighed, pulling Ed in for a hug. "Do we need to cancel, Ed? It's okay if we do. You're in charge here."

Ed forced himself to take a deep breath, trying to allow himself to really internalize that.

"Can you say that again?" He meeped.

"Of course," Stede said obligingly. "You're in charge here, Ed. We're doing exactly as much as you want to do with this today. No more, no less."

"I'm kind of scared," Ed admitted, "that I'll hate it. And wearing a dress will make me feel bad."

"I can understand that," Stede said gently, cupping Ed's cheek softly in his palm. "And if you do hate it, or if it does make you feel bad? Then that's okay. We don't have to get a dress today, love. You're in charge."

Ed decided to be brave.

Once they were actually on the way to the dress shop, Ed's mind full of beautiful visions of amazing, pretty dresses, it was a bit easier to feel excited. He hesitated again before they could even get out of the car, his hands starting to shake, but Stede put a hand on his knee, giving him a gentle smile.

"I'm right here with you," Stede reminded him. "This is about you, Ed. I'm here. You're safe."

Ed was safe. This could be whatever he wanted it to be.

Ed nodded, taking Stede's hand. "Let's do this."

Sure enough, the shop was a bit overwhelming at first. It was so full of dresses that Ed didn't think you could actually try them all on if you had a hundred years, and Stede and his mama immediately started fluttering around the shop comparing styles and fits and shouting opinions about what would go well with Ed's complexion.

The lucky thing, though, was that they knew Ed's dress the instant they saw it.

Much to Ed's relief, the shop attendants that came out to help him were nothing but kind about doing wedding dress shopping for a man, and no one even came close to implying that he wasn't a real man or anything. When Ed said that he didn't want anything super form-fitting, scared that would trigger his dysphoria, they took it in stride, even steering him away from dresses that looked a bit looser on the hanger but tended to cling when they were actually worn.

Ed had a couple dresses over his arm, a sparkly princess gown that his mama wanted to see him in and a huge frilly thing that he was halfway convinced Stede wanted to try on himself, when they saw it.

Ed had just been starting to think that he wouldn't have the kind of luck he'd hoped with finding a dress that wasn't white when Stede gasped, pulling a light blue dress off the rack to have a look.

"This is it," Ed said, his face breaking out into a grin, cautious but hopeful. "This is it."

The dress was perfect. The light blue of the gown was accentuated with a white bodice and skirts and, Ed was delighted to see, black lace along the sleeves and ruffles. It wasn't too form-fitting, either, with flowing skirts and little half-sleeves that he knew would do amazing things for his biceps.

His mama laughed in delight, and Ed joined right in. Pretty hard to ignore perfect when you see it, right? He thought that was what had stopped him from walking on by when he'd first seen Stede Bonnet standing on his own at the airport. Just a good feeling that something was right.

The nerves came back a bit as Ed was getting the blue wedding dress pulled on. He was still a bit scared that he'd see himself in the dress and all the dysphoria would come rushing right back in. He was so scared of looking at himself in the dress and seeing a girl.

He kept his eyes closed a bit longer than necessary, and when he opened them -

Well, he just looked like a man in a dress. The dress didn't accentuate the parts of his body that he didn't want to call attention to, and it could be fitted a bit tighter around his chest to show off how flat he was there. The sleeves really drew attention to his broad shoulders, too, and…

There wasn't any denying it. He didn't just look like a man in a dress, he looked like a very, very pretty man in a dress. The pale blue looked lovely against his brown skin, and he loved the contrast of his tattoos and the delicate lace.

"It's perfect," he said, his voice coming out teary. "It's perfect - I'll take it!"

The attendant helping him laughed. Not mocking, just sharing in his joy. "Don't you want to show your family first?"

Ed knew he'd never forget it, walking out into the shop, carefully holding up the skirts of his dress, and seeing Stede's jaw just drop.

It really hit him, looking at himself in the big floor mirror while his mama and Stede threatened to go through an entire box of tissues all by themselves. He was getting married. Soon, he would be married wearing this dress, and he was just going to be allowed to keep being this happy for the rest of his life.

Chapter Text

There was something, Ed was beginning to realize, that Stede wanted very, very badly.

He'd first gotten an inkling of it at the wedding dress shop, when Stede had been so enraptured by the most flowy, sparkly, and lacy dresses. There had just been something so recognizable in the way Stede had let his fingers run over the fabric, in the polite interest in his eyes that wasn't nearly enough to cover up the longing.

And it just kept happening.

Stede was happy, of course, when they paid for Ed's dress and made an appointment for a fitting. But there was something in his face that looked almost like jealousy.

Stede wasn't jealous of Ed, not really. He was pretty sure of that.

Ed didn't want to risk bringing it up and potentially causing any sort of friction during his mama's visit, but he kept an eye out. And when he was looking for it, it was impossible to miss.

They went out for a fancy dinner with his mama a few days after Ed's wedding dress appointment, and Ed had seen the way Stede looked as his mama showed him the selection of fancy dresses she'd brought for the trip, the way he looked when he thought no one was watching him. They got very invested in a few wedding-planning reality TV shows, and he noticed the way Stede leaned forward in his seat when the dresses were on-screen, trying to pass off his obvious interest as just bitchy commentary.

Stede wanted to wear a dress.

Honestly, Ed was a bit surprised by that. Stede loved fashion, and he was one of those queer guys who were gender-nonconforming no matter what he wore (in fact, the plain gray suit Stede had been wearing when they'd first met, Ed thought, had only accentuated that he just couldn't pass as a cishet guy no matter what). But even though Stede was enthusiastic about stepping outside of stereotypically masculine colors, cuts, and patterns, he'd always seemed very happy to stick to a masculine style, and seemed to find joy in his own kind of masculine self-expression.

And that was still true. But maybe Stede wanted to try on dresses and skirts, too.

Ed honestly wasn't sure at all how to broach the subject. He was still working on getting to be comfortable there himself, and he knew he had hang-ups with gender expression that Stede didn't and learning your own style was a lifelong journey, but still. He hadn't been brave enough to buy a cute sundress like he dreamed of, but he and Stede were planning on going shopping for skirts pretty soon. Maybe he could offer to let Stede try one of his, so he'd be able to experiment in the safety of their own home?

But when the opportunity presented itself, it was just too good to pass up.

It had been a pretty fucking amazing day. Ed's mama was going to be heading home soon, so they decided to just have a nice, low-stress day out on the town. She found the tiny beachside town very charming, and loved everything from the adorably small post office to the tiny fish-and-chips shack on the beach.

And when they passed by a small local family-owned boutique, they hadn't been planning on going inside. But Stede had stopped by the window, his eyes widening at the dress inside, and Ed saw his chance.

Stede looked a bit like a deer caught in headlights, his eyes massive, his eyebrows furrowed, his cheeks going pink. The dress was really very cute, and very Stede, bright yellow with a lacy white trim and a pattern of little white flowers.

Alright. Ed just had to play this cool.

"That's pretty," he said, sidling up next to Stede at the window, giving his mama a smile as she gushed over the sunhats in the window with big crocheted flowers on the brims. "D'you wanna try it on?"

"I - what? No!" Stede stammered, taking a full step backwards from the window. "I couldn't, Ed, don't be silly!"

Ed raised an eyebrow. "What's silly? Don't tell me you think the idea of a man in a dress is silly, not after you spent so long telling me it's okay for me to want it."

Stede's mouth worked, and he finally closed it, looking down at the concrete. "Please, Ed, you're you. No one wants to see me in a dress."

"Oh, Stede, sweetheart," his mama sighed.

"Okay, two things, babe." Ed wrapped an arm around Stede's shoulders, smiling when he leaned into the contact. "First: it doesn't matter what anyone else wants, you get to choose what you put on your body. Second: are you really gonna pretend you'd be doing anything other than depriving me of the chance to see you in that? If you want it, baby, I love it."

For a second, Ed thought Stede was still gonna back out. Then -

"Maybe we can get a closer look inside," he said, and Ed grinned, giving his mama a fist-bump behind his back as they walked in.

Stede still looked kind of like he wanted to bolt, but fortunately, the nice woman who ran the shop was nothing but kind to them. It was a bit awkward at course when they clarified that no, they weren't shopping for a girlfriend, and yes, Stede was the one looking at it, and Stede's face turned as red as a boiled lobster, but she seemed embarrassed enough of her assumption that she was going a bit heavy on the good customer service. When Stede started to waffle about how he was choosy with fabrics, she let them get a feel of it, and Stede actually laughed in relief at the soft texture before he remembered he was supposed to be worried.

When the shop owner asked if Stede wanted to try the dress on and see how he liked it, Stede's politeness won over his nerves, and he said yes.

While Ed's mama distracted the shop owner by asking about the cute sunhats she'd liked, guessing correctly that Stede would want a bit of privacy, Ed led Stede to the little dressing room at the back of the shop.

"I'm right here with you," Ed reminded him, kissing Stede's cheek as he helped him get the dress over his arm, lifting it so the hem didn't brush against the floor. "And if you don't like it, all you have to do is take it off. No harm, no foul."

"I might not like it," Stede warned him.

Ed shrugged. "And if you don't, that's okay! No one's opinion matters here but yours. I'm here, Stede. You're safe."

"You remembered what I said to you," Stede said, his eyes looking a bit watery.

"Of course," Ed said easily. He couldn't imagine not taking the things Stede told him to heart.

Stede was in the dressing room for long enough that Ed started to get a little nervous, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. He was being really quiet in there, and his little bumps and shuffles weren't exactly enlightening Ed to how he felt one way or the other.

Then, finally, he heard Stede exhale softly. "Promise you won't laugh."

"Never, Stede, never," Ed promised.

Stede pulled the door open, and Ed's breath caught in his throat.

He was holding himself nervously, a bit hunched over, but the dress undoubtedly suited him. The ruffles at the top were doing fucking amazing things with his chest hair, and the way the dress clung across his broad chest was nearly making Ed drool. The little sleeves hugged those big, biteable biceps in a positively delicious way, and the dress was just long enough to make it look like Stede's legs went on forever. The color was perfect, too, making Stede look like he was literally made of sunshine.

"Oh, Stede," Ed gasped, "you look amazing."

Stede tugged self-consciously at the hem. "I don't look silly?"

"Not at all, sunshine," Ed said, grinning as he held Stede at arm's length, just taking him in. "Do you like it?"

Stede's smile was hesitant, but it was there. "I really like how it feels," he said. "And the way it hugs me, and - look, Ed, watch the flow!"

Stede spun on his heel so the skirts of the dress fanned out, and Ed loved him so much he barely knew how to handle it all.

They heard a squeal from the other side of the shop - Ed's mama had spotted Stede in the dress - and, finally, Stede looked comfortable enough to really start feeling himself. He was a natural in a dress, really, loving to spin and take advantage of all the flowy bits, and by the time they were checking out, he was practically strutting like a peacock.

Ed thought he might have to borrow one of his mama's new sunhats for the walk home. Stede's joy was so bright it almost hurt his eyes.

Chapter Text

It was another stupid fucking therapy exercise that Stede was supposed to do.

Things had been very quiet since Kaia had flown back home and it was just the two of them (plus Kraken) in the house again. Ed hadn't taken her leaving super well, as they'd both expected he wouldn't. He was just getting to the point, Stede knew, where he felt like his life was something his mama could be proud of. He'd spent a long time, as he'd told Stede over countless late-night confessions, feeling that he was causing his mother nothing but stress and worry.

And alright, sure - Stede was missing her, too. He loved their quiet little life, with video calls with the kids and Kaia a couple times a week, and he loved planning for the future with his boyfriend. He loved knowing that they had a future to look forward to.

But he was big enough to admit that the first real parental figure in his life who actually cared about him living halfway across the country made him feel a bit sad. Some days, he really just wanted the closest thing he could remember to a mother's hug, and Ed's hugs were amazing but they didn't scratch that same itch.

So, yeah. Saying they'd both been feeling a bit out of sorts was probably fair.

Stede had talked about that in his stupid fucking therapy session that week, and, as usual, it had devolved into his evil fucking therapist trying to back him into corners. Stede had off-handedly said something about how he didn't blame his parents for hating him, and he'd been forced to slowly and painfully unpack that.

(The worst part about therapy was that a part of him was usually glad to tease it out, too. Fucking embarrassing.)

But his homework assignment for the week was a doozy. Evelyn had told Stede that it was about time to work on challenging his knee-jerk assumption that the people in his life hated him and were only putting up with him, so his task was to write down a list of what the people who he loved most would actually say about him.

Fucking bullshit.

Stede's impulse, of course, was to fill it with things like stupid and useless and waste of space. But Ed was the first person who sprang to mind when he thought about th exercise, wondering what Ed would say about him, and he couldn't imagine Ed saying those things about him. He knew it would hurt Ed's feelings if he knew the version of himself in Stede's head was being such a dick.

"Babe, you're thinking so hard I can practically hear it from over here."

Stede lifted his chin from his hand, tapping his pencil against his notebook in frustration as Ed brought him a steaming mug of hot chocolate. He took a long sip, sighing in relief and smacking his lips, and Ed practically climbed into his lap so he could kiss away his chocolatey mustache.

"Wanna talk about it?" Ed held his own mug securely wrapped in both hands as he flung his legs up into Stede's lap, dislodging his notebook. He rested his head on Stede's shoulder, snuggling as close as he could, and Stede felt warm all over.

"Mm." Stede took another drink to buy himself some more time. Ed had made the hot chocolate just right. His was plain, just a few tabs of the good drinking chocolate they ordered melted in milk, but Ed's mug was approximately half mini marshmallows by volume. "It's stupid. It's for therapy."

"Oh, yeah? Lemme see?"

Stede turned his blank notebook page over for Ed to see, and Ed raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"I'm supposed to write down what people would actually say about me," Stede sighed, admitting defeat, doodling a little frowny face on the page. "Instead of just assuming. Get some positive things in my head to challenge the bad things."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." Stede worried at his lip. "I guess you could - what's your favorite thing about me?"

Truthfully, Stede had still felt a bit guilty for making Ed feel like he had to participate in this little exercise. But Ed's face just lit right the fuck up.

"Ooh," he gasped, so visibly and obviously delighted that Stede just had to smile, too. "I guess my favorite thing about you is…how you see me. You didn't care about what anyone said, you just saw me, just how I really am."

"That's a good one, I suppose," Stede allowed, writing down Ed says I make him feel seen on his page.

"And!" Ed sat up a bit straighter, his feet kicking into the air as he thought. "I love how you you are. Like, you could never pretend to be anyone else. I love how much you love the things you love. I love how you want to make sure everyone feels heard, and how you always assume the best in people, and how you do that bitchy thing with your eyebrows."

Stede paused, pen still poised over the paper, his mouth suddenly a bit dry. "You only needed to tell me one favorite thing," he said, awkward even to his own ears.

Ed just smiled, easy as ever. "I could never pick just one favorite thing about you."

That was so sweet, Stede just had to kiss him.

"My favorite things about you," he said when he pulled back, "are - I love how sweet you are. You're so gentle and kind. I love how when you try to play it cool, you just can't, because you love with every bit of your big beautiful heart. I love how loving you are."

"Stede!" Ed squealed, burying his face in Stede's shoulder. "You can't be just saying this shit, give a guy a warning!"

"Shan't," Stede said primly. "I'll compliment you whenever I want."

Ed raised his face, his grin sharklike. "Can I do the same?"

Stede winced. "Do your worst, I suppose."

Ed took a comically deep breath, and they both laughed. "I love your sense of humor," he started, "and the way you love clothes. And your laugh. I love when you get really bitchy and you do that little huff when you straighten your jacket. And the way your hair flops when you do things."

"I love your hair." Stede reached up a hand to weave his fingers through it, just because he could. "I love your sweet tooth, and the way you figure out the ending to every mystery we try to watch halfway through, and how you're scared of spiders -"

"Hey! Not scared, I just have a healthy wariness -"

"How you're scared of spiders but pretend you're not," Stede finished laughingly, and for a second, he watched Ed's grin widen and wondered about what he was going to hit him with next.

"I love you," Ed said, almost devastatingly simple and earnest. "I love your face, and your hair, and your eyes."

"Oh, that's no fair, you didn't give me a chance to mention your eyes!"

"I just love everything about being with you," Ed said, shrugging lightly, letting his cheek rest against Stede's shoulder. "Every part of you is my favorite part. Because it's you."

"Yeah," Stede croaked, his voice cracking. "Same."

Ed tilted his head, nudging closer so he could kiss Stede's neck. "Still hard to hear? Hard to believe?"

"A bit, yeah."

"Just have to keep telling you until you believe it, then."

That didn't sound like too bad a deal at all, Stede thought.

Chapter Text

"So…how's retirement treating you?"

"Fuck, man, it still feels so weird to call it that," Ed laughed, looking up from his hook so he could wrinkle his nose.

Fang laughed, too, and Ed felt giddy right down to his bones.

He'd finally, finally felt like he had the time to drive a couple hours up the coast to meet Fang halfway, and they were finally getting to go fishing together, after Ed had been promising Fang he'd meet up with him to do it for months now. He'd been worried that Fang would be annoyed with him for taking so long to meet up with him, but he'd seemed nothing but overjoyed.

He'd been worried that this might be awkward, too. He'd known Fang for many, many years - what felt like most of his life! - but all of their interactions had been in the context of Famous Punk Legend Blackbeard and Loyal Bandmate Fangie, y'know? Even once Ed had decided to quit the band, Fang had still been his employee. The playing field hadn't been level.

Now? They were just hanging out, just as friends.

And it felt pretty fuckin' right.

"Retirement," Ed repeated, just trying the word out for a bit in his mouth. "Still feels a bit funny, y'know? I never thought I'd actually get to - I mean, look at us, man! Just two bros hangin' out!"

"I know, it's weird," Fang giggled, reaching out to playfully nudge Ed's arm. "But it's nice."

"Yeah, man. Real nice." Ed held his fishhook out to Fang for his approval, and it was a testament to their friendship that Fang didn't even laugh at him when he took it back to correct how Ed had very half-heartedly speared his bait on it (in his defense, he didn't want to get anything nasty on his fingers). "It's like…I still feel like I'm kinda just waiting for the other shoe to drop, right? Still just waiting for someone to come find me and tell me that no, actually, I'm not allowed to have this. That it's too good for me."

Fang handed his fishhook back to him, and Ed grinned at him.

"But that's not going to happen," he said. "Because I get this. I get to be retired if I want. I get to keep this."

"That's right, Ed." Fang took his own fishing rod back up, casting his line into the water with an effortless flick. "You've always been allowed to have that. I'm sorry you just didn't see it for so long."

Ed knew the unspoken bit, there, and he was glad that neither of them had to say it anymore.

I'm sorry I didn't see how miserable you were.

That's alright. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

Ed tried to cast his rod, but it was actually pretty hard to make sure the line actually cleared the boat, and in trying to replicate Fang's easy cast, Ed fucked up and accidentally whacked himself on the knee.

"Like this," Fang said gently, demonstrating his cast again, much slower.

Ed tried again. That time, he managed to get his line into the water, and he grinned, pointing to it to make sure Fang had noticed.

Fang grinned back. "Good one, bro."

As it turned out, apparently (and deeply unfortunately), a big part of fishing was also about being quiet so the fish wouldn't be afraid to approach your boat. Ed was less successful at that part.

It was just very quiet. Because Fang was good at the whole being quiet thing. And boring.

"Hey," Fang said after a while, interrupting Ed's narration of what he thought was a bird rustling in a tree across the water, "do you want to compete to see which of us can be quiet for longer?"

"Sure, you're on," Ed said, hunkering himself down into an active pose, like a cat waiting to pounce, holding his fishing rod tight. "I'm gonna be so quiet, so quiet you won't even know I'm here, just wait -"

"Shh," Fang said.

Ed shhed.

He tried really, really hard to just sit still and be quiet, but that wasn't really something he was necessarily designed to do, and fishing was pretty cool, but it wasn't an active enough task to really keep his attention, he thought.

Ed tapped his foot. He looked at Fang, who was looking meditatively out over the water.

Ed tried to copy him. It was pretty damn nice out here. The little lake Fang had recommended they drive out to was small and quiet, and Ed could watch the sunlight rippling across the surface of the water as a little water bug near them disturbed it. He could hear the wind shake the leaves in the trees around them.

"Wow," Ed whispered. "It's like - like I'm one with nature, right? The…the majesty and shit? We are but humble wanderers, blessed with this feast."

"We haven't caught anything yet," Fang reminded him.

"No, but we will," Ed said. "It's about the potential."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Ed nodded. "It's like…look at us. Just being out in nature. No better than that tree, or that blade of grass, or…I dunno, like, a wave, or something. The water holds such majesty."

"Sure does, Ed," Fang said, nodding placatingly. "I guess I win the quiet game, then?"

"No way, man, I've been so quiet," Ed snorted, turning back to the water. "Look at me, being so quiet, I'm being so quiet -"

He was talking, he realized. Ed clamped his lips shut, looking to Fang for approval, and Fang gave him an OK sign. Ed preened. He was so good at this.

Bizarrely, as Ed got invested in just sitting and being present with Fang out on the boat, it got a bit easier to be quiet. He still couldn't hold still, but Fang didn't tell him off for fidgeting, so he figured that was alright.

And then it happened.

Ed felt a little tug on his line, and he yelped, nearly stumbling out of the boat in his surprise.

"Fang," he squeaked, holding onto his fishing rod for dear life. Unwilling to take his hands off his fishing rod, his instinct, for some reason, was to just kick one of his feet out at Fang to get his attention."I felt something!"

"Reel it in," Fang encouraged him, his voice low, waving for Ed to start spinning the little handle on his rod.

It turned out that fish were a lot stronger than Ed had assumed. He felt like the fish he was fighting had to be huge. He kept pulling, and it was a mighty battle, but in the end -

Ed triumphed, and Fang cheered for him as he pulled the fish out of the water on his line.

"You did it," Fang congratulated him, clapping his shoulder, and Ed instinctually ducked his face to hide his smile before he remembered he didn't have to and he just beamed, and Fang grinned right back at him.

Ed's fish was pretty great. It wasn't super big, but Fang said it was awesome for his first ever fish. He wasn't able to replicate that same success - honestly, he was getting so jumpy with excitement that every time he felt a nibble, he thought his jump and yelp were scaring the fish away - but Fang caught three, and he gave one to Ed so they'd be even.

"That's us," he told Ed. "We're fair and square."

Ed liked that. He couldn't wait to tell Stede about the mighty battle he'd won. But he was pretty damn glad that he'd came out here to spend the day with Fang.

"We're gonna have to do this more often," he told him as they headed back to their cars and Fang helped him get the fish loaded into their coolers. Ed was going to have to call his mama when he got home for help preparing them.

Even now, even despite everything, a part of Ed was still expecting Fang to tell him that he wouldn't want to hang out with him more than once in a blue moon.

But Fang smiled, and he pulled him into a hug that Ed was too surprised to return at first. "I'd like that, Ed."

Ed wasn't sure he'd ever actually be much good at fishing. He just wasn't very good at sitting still and being quiet, especially in good company. But he'd be happy to do it as often as possible, if it meant more days like this.

Once, Ed had been terrified of anything he wasn't immediately excellent at. He liked that fishing could maybe just be something he did that he could be a bit shitty at, because he liked spending time with his friend.

Pretty cool change of pace.

Chapter Text

The two of them would never be perfect.

Frankly, they'd just done too much living for that, Stede thought. Both of them carried a lot of history, and there were too many lingering issues to ever fully be addressed. Stede had spent far too much of his life feeling completely inadequate, like everyone was only barely tolerating him and like he was a fundamental failure in every way that mattered. Ed had spent too long putting on a performance of himself, forcing himself into a caricature and thinking it was his own fault for not being able to make it into reality. They'd both always be a bit insecure and clingy and prone to assuming the worst.

And all the love in the world couldn't change the fact that, sometimes, they still butted heads. They both had big personalities, and finally getting to feel like they were free to be themselves for the first times in their lives made compromise as scary as it was inevitable.

But that was the important thing - they did compromise.

Even after finally getting a bit more comfortable with therapy, Stede had a knee-jerk instinct to bottle up when he was worried or upset. Ed was so unused to setting boundaries that sometimes reasonable boundaries (such as "I don't really want to go on a five-hour nature walk") was a tall order, and they'd only realize there was a massive problem when things boiled over (such as having a crying meltdown two hours into said nature walk about how he just couldn't do it anymore and begging Stede to not be angry with him). On bad days, Stede got quiet and wanted time alone, and Ed got especially chatty and clingy, and sometimes they had bad days on the same days.

And those things probably wouldn't ever fully go away.

But Stede was getting better about always patiently reassuring Ed that he was safe to set boundaries like that, always, and Stede would never, ever be angry with him for telling him no. Even though those things went without saying, some days Ed just needed to hear it. Ed treated Stede's bad moods like a hostage negotiation, gently teasing the truth out of him with a degree of careful patience that made Stede tear up to think about. For the worst days, they adapted the simple traffic-light safeword system for an easy and judgment-free way to communicate when Stede needed space or Ed needed extra reassurance. And when the days came where Stede just needed some quiet time alone but Ed was feeling clingy and like he needed to talk to someone, he knew he could call Fang for a chat and company.

They were good at it. They were really fucking good at each other.

And, together, as a united front, they were more prepared to face all the other shit life could throw their way.

Sometimes, Stede would still worry that his kids were only putting up with him, or that they liked Ed much more. Sometimes they remembered how their fathers treated them, and family-centric movies about loving parents, even silly kid's ones like Finding Nemo, were kind of like the emotional equivalent of the lid shooting off a shaken-up soda bottle. They had to learn not to look at the tabloids sections at the grocery store, because now that Ed was out of the bad, the coverage on him ranged from "accurate" to "rage bait."

(Once, memorably, a small group of paparazzi almost found the town they were in before Stede got a worried text from Fang with a link to their blog article and went to where they'd set up on the boardwalk to threaten them with a baseball bat.)

There would always be difficult days.

But there were also many days like today, which Stede thought were about as perfect as you could ever find.

Ed had woken up in a snuggly mood that morning, rolling into Stede's side, tucking his head underneath his chin and holding him close before he'd even opened his eyes. Stede had indulged him, naturally, and they'd had lots of sleepy morning kisses that mostly just looked like Ed kissing along Stede's jaws and cheeks because he refused to open his eyes before he absolutely had to. Stede had started to think about escalating their cuddling to something a bit more intentional when they heard Kraken whining for his breakfast, and they'd laughed into each other's mouths.

Stede would never be a chef. He walked Kraken while Ed got bundled up in a soft, fuzzy robe, and by the time he got back inside and gave Kraken his food, Ed had figured out what they were doing for breakfast and was ready to tell Stede what he could do to help.

Even though Stede would never be much real help in the kitchen - the one time Ed had asked him to take care of the scrambled eggs by himself, he'd somehow turned them into a single large rubbery disk - Ed always gave him something to do anyway, because he knew Stede wanted to help. Stede figured that was just what love was.

Today, Ed asked Stede to make their morning tea. That was good, because it was one of the very few food-related tasks that Stede was better at. Ed was always saying that he just didn't understand how Stede made the tea so much better than he ever could.

(The secret, as it turned out, was that Stede had learned Ed didn't like tea, he liked drinking tea. There was quite a difference. Ed loved his food and drink as sweet as possible and couldn't stand even mildly bitter things, but he he loved the ritual of drinking tea, of waiting for it to be ready and sharing a chat over their mugs. Stede's secret to Ed's perfect cup of tea was to leave the tea itself out of Ed's cup, "forgetting" to steep a tea bag in his mug and basically just serving him warm, watered-down milk full of sugar.)

Ed whistled as he plated their pancakes, beautifully dicing some strawberries and adding blueberries to Stede's and grabbing a handful of chocolate chips for his own. For a musician, when he was whistling, he couldn't carry a tune to save his life. It made Stede smile so big his cheeks hurt with it.

When they sat down together, the world felt so different from how it had just a few years ago. It felt strange to think that, not even all that long ago, Stede had been miserable, consumed with a lonely sort of ache so deep it felt like a physical pain, anxious and scared and absolutely hateful towards himself. Suddenly, the whole world was warm and soft and easy, and Stede's heart felt steady. He felt as if he was finally coming to terms with who he was and who he wanted to be, and making peace with where those two circles didn't quite overlap.

Ed made a happy hum as he took a long sip from his mug. "Perfect," he declared, tapping his chunky-sock-covered foot against Stede's under the table. "That's just perfect."

Stede hid his smile in his own mug.

Across the table, Ed cut a massive chunk off his pancakes and stuffed it into his mouth, grinning as Kraken came to rest his big head in his lap.

"You've got it good, mate," he told the dog, feeding him a few crumbs. "Don't even know how lucky you are, do you?"

Kraken wasn't the only one, Stede thought.

"Today, I was thinking," Ed said, bouncing up and down in his seat eagerly. "I was thinking I might run up to the fishing shop - Fang said he wanted to try fly fishing, and his birthday's coming up."

"Ooh, you could surprise him!"

"Exactly!" Ed's nose crinkled with his smile, and Stede loved him. "And then maybe we could do that cute little cafe downtown for lunch?"

Stede could imagine it. Walking through the shops hand-in-hand, trading kisses on street corners, feeding each other off their forks when they encouraged each other to indulge with dessert.

And that kind of easy happiness was something he could just have, now.

"Ed, love," he said, reaching out to pat Kraken between the ears and snatching a chocolate chip from Ed's plate on his way back, giggling at Ed's playful shout, "that sounds perfect."

Nah, they'd never be quite perfect, not really. They were just too messy and too human for that.

But this? This was as close to perfect as they'd ever need.