Work Text:
Ravi Panikkar was, for the first time in his life, avoiding his mother's calls.
He could assume his sister, Aanya, had told her about what happened last shift. Ravi had watched a man with cancer die of a chemo-induced stroke.
It hurt, naturally, so he called his sister. Aanya always knew what to say. Ravi could tell she never thought of him as weak or less than because of his cancer. His mother did think that, though. He could tell.
Ravi could tell by the pitying glances she constantly threw his way when he went to visit. His siblings rarely received any, and they were all allowed to live a normal teenage life unlike him. It was like that even after the cancer was gone.
It was also like that even years after his suicide attempt.
Ravi was fourteen when he tried to kill himself. He had just been getting sicker, and he was tired of hearing his parents complain about the hospital bills. He just wanted it to stop, so Ravi decided he would take all of his mom’s migraine pills and then go to sleep.
Of course, he survived–the cancer and the suicide.
His father had tried to wake him up in the morning and called 911 when he realized Ravi wasn't breathing.
Ravi still had no idea how he hadn't already been dead for hours. But he also had no idea how, or why, he was officially in remission only a year later.
Even after months of therapy and multiple inpatient hospitalizations, his mother still tread carefully around him.
It made him feel weak. He was weak. So, he never told the 118 about his childhood.
He left all of that behind in Nevada. California was a fresh start.
—
Before he moved out, Ravi had made it so his family was always able to bypass the do-not-disturb feature on his phone.
However now, he couldn't figure out how to turn it off. So, his phone was now essentially blowing up while he was trying to eat dinner with the 118.
They kept sending him glances across the table every time he received a notification or a call. Buck even said something about it.
“Do you need to take that, Probie?” He chuckled, “Is that your girlfriend?”
Ravi saw the perfect opportunity to change the subject. When in doubt, bring up your homosexuality.
“Well, it's not a girlfriend. If you know what I mean.”
He spoke casually and smiled at the shocked faces of his coworkers.
“Oh?” Buck grinned back. And the rest of the team spoke their congratulations.
Ravi was glad to get that fact about him off his chest, though he was even more glad he successfully avoided answering their question.
—
Ravi was cleaning the engine when he looked over at a familiar face.
His mother walked through the open door of the station, looking coy. Though her face lit up when she saw Ravi.
“Beta! Oh sweetheart it's so good to see you.” Eesha swiftly made her way over to him, hugging him tightly.
Ravi was in shock, and it took a moment for his brain to stutter a greeting and even longer to hug her back.
“Mom! You’re–uh, you're here! In L.A?”
“Well, I thought it was time I came to visit!”
She stepped back and looked her son over, hand resting over her heart. Ravi doubted that was the real reason she was here. He knew from experience it was a rather grueling 8-hour drive from his hometown.
“You decided? Dad’s not here?” He questioned.
“Well, you know how devoted he is to his work,” She shrugged, and changed the subject, “So! Show your mother around this place, would you?”
Ravi trailed behind her as she allowed herself to just walk right in, his head spinning with confusion.
Wow.
—
He had a hunch it wouldn't take his mother long to admit why she was here. And he was right.
Ravi sat with his mother on the couches, the rest of his team away. They were chatting as if everything was normal, and Ravi couldn't take it anymore.
“Amma,” he started, sighing, “I know why you're really here.”
Eesha took a breath and frowned at him.
“What was I meant to do, Ravi? I'm worried.”
“That's the thing!” Ravi exclaimed, “You don't need to be. I told Aanya I was fine, and I know she told you that much.”
“Oh, you always say that.”
“God, I'm not going to shatter! I knew what I was signing up for!”
Ravi stood, and he could see Bobby and Hen making their way up the stairs. He also saw Buck and Eddie peering over from the gym section of the firehouse.
“Beta, I'm just worried! I have a right to be, you know. This obviously hit close to home.” His mother also stood and stepped close to him.
Ravi clawed at his hair, tugging.
“This is exactly why I haven't called you back! You always do this!”
Their voices were now raised, catching the attention of almost everyone in the firehouse and raising the eyebrows of the rest of his closest coworkers who were now standing close.
“I didn't want you to do something you’ll regret! I mean-”
Ravi felt a mix of anger and disappointment wash over him.
“What, you think I'm gonna spin out and OD again? That's what this is about?” He shouted, furious.
Ravi regretted saying that immediately, though, as his mother's face fell and he heard a few sharp inhales across the building.
He sighed.
“You need to leave.”
And she did.
—
He emerged from the bunk room two hours later and saw the team sitting around the coffee table and TV.
Though he was almost positive no one was really paying attention, based on how quickly their focus shifted to him. It was terrifying, honestly; how fast their gaze shifted.
He crossed his arms, across the room still.
“We don't have to talk about this. It's fine, I'm going to call her and apologize.”
“Ravi,” Bobby softly said, “That's not what this is about.”
“So what is it about then?” Ravi sat down gingerly when he was waved over. He was sitting on the armrest beside Hen.
“You know you can talk to us, right?” Bobby explained, “About anything.”
Ravi sighed, “There was nothing to talk about.”
“Ravi,” Hen chimed in, “You understand how important it is that we trust each other, as a team. And to really trust each other we need to be honest.”
He nodded, fidgeting with his hands.
Bobby questioned, “What did she mean? When she said it hit close to home?”
He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. Ravi took a deep breath before explaining.
“I was eight when I was diagnosed with cancer. And fourteen when I tried to kill myself.”
Ravi paused and watched as his team nodded. Then, he continued. Ravi told them the whole story.
He had never told the story in full before, and Ravi felt alright.